| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
20 Bottles of Sparkling Water
00:10:34
|
|
| Hmm, Tristan got slowed down by the ball. | |
| They got you, Tristan. | |
| Ah, so you touch kids. | |
| Literally saw it, caught red-handed. | |
| Good song and routine! | |
| Good song and routine! | |
| I think I'm gonna take that. | |
| Good song and routine! | |
| Good song and routine! | |
| And then can I also have 20 bottles of sparkling water? | |
| The big ones. The big ones. | |
| Yes, 20-0 bottles of sparkling water. | |
| Elite level hydration. | |
| Sorry? Yes, the big bottles. | |
| 20-0 of them. | |
| Cold. Yes, the large sparkling waters and cold, please. | |
| And ice. And ice, please. | |
| And lemons. And yes, that's all. | |
| Yes, sounds perfect. | |
| Thank you very much. So, I didn't do this to us. | |
| I wanted the ribeyes. | |
| I wanted one ribeye. | |
| We need elite level hydration, Luke. | |
| This doesn't make sense. Look, what is the number one thing humans need to stay alive? | |
| Tristan says we're not drinking enough. | |
| We're not having enough fun. | |
| So they are gonna drink all day. | |
| All day. 20, 20? | |
| Is that 20 liters? How much are these bauberts? | |
| I think they're a liter and a half. | |
| 30 liters. Nice. | |
| What are they, one and a half? So 10 liters each of water. | |
| As a star. As a star. | |
| What do you mean, as a star? We're drinking all day. | |
| All day long. You can't go outside because the peasants are waiting for us. | |
| The seniors are all along. | |
| People would like to say, hey, what do you know when you're worth a hundred million dollars? | |
| Water contest. | |
| Elite level hydration. | |
| Done. You also bought the course. | |
| Course bought. Perfect. | |
| Now we have the secret to elite level hydration. | |
| The loop does. | |
| The only way to achieve elite level hydration... | |
| Tristan! That can't be in the course! | |
| Is that a part? | |
| This can't be a part. | |
| This must be part eight. Elite level. | |
| This actually might be elite level. | |
| This might be truly elite. | |
| I'll drink more water than both of you. | |
| You won't. No, you won't. | |
| I'll destroy you by the time. You won't. | |
| We'll see. We will see. | |
| Nah, I'm just going to edit out every single time he drinks water. | |
| Teach him a lesson. That's not how you win. | |
| Could be. Take confidential. | |
| Wouldn't know if I did or did not do that. | |
| Just admit. Maybe I cut this out too. | |
| So Triss is going the barbarian tactic. | |
| I don't think I can do barbarian. | |
| Why have you made it bubbly? You made it super hard. | |
| Yeah, it's like all bubbles. If he's doing the barbarian tactic. | |
| But I believe civilization will defeat the barbarians if I just always drink it out of a nice glass. | |
| You guys are drinking it out of a bottle. | |
| If I just drink it always out of a glass. | |
| There's no way you're beating me. Nice and refreshing. | |
| And I'm just going to make sure this never, ever is empty. | |
| Like the infinite glass. | |
| Isn't there a legend about some infinite glass that never runs out? | |
| You can't defeat me. What is boozing, Dave? | |
| Tristan can drink liquids so fast. | |
| He can! Tactics are poor. | |
| See why I did that? That is his tactic! | |
| This is going to work. There's a reason cups were invented. | |
| Why would cups be invented if this is not the most ideal way to hydrate? | |
| Using poor tactics. You're going to have one sip. | |
| On my second bottle. You're going to talk to me. | |
| My mind. My mind's made of water. | |
| My brain was a dry sponge and it's now expanding. | |
| I can now see in four days. | |
| I've been swimming inside of myself. | |
| These aren't real. I didn't have enough blood. | |
| And all I can do is force myself to make more. This person seriously down one. | |
| He did, didn't he? It amazes me. | |
| This is pure carbonated sparkling water. | |
| The bubbles do hurt. | |
| They do. It's not beer. | |
| here. One down. 58 Jeff. Nice. I'm making progress. | |
| I don't know how much because I don't even want to know. | |
| I'm just going to keep pouring. You drunk half of that. | |
| Luke, you're nowhere near anymore. | |
| I'm getting close. Look, it's almost done. | |
| And mine's been nice and pleasant. | |
| You guys look horrible. It's not almost done. | |
| It's all in the glass. | |
| So that's how you think it works, do you? | |
| See, now I just have to drink my nice one little glass of water and continue on. | |
| Nice and pleasant. We're rich. | |
| Why do we do this? Hydration. | |
| Poor people actually couldn't do this. | |
| This is a rich person only activity. | |
| It's like four euros each. Yeah, probably. | |
| So the water has been given up on. | |
| Not really. What do you mean not really? | |
| You're just eating things now. Watermelon. | |
| Exactly. I'm just eating it instead of drinking it. | |
| It's beating up the process. I'm doing both. | |
| Where's my glass? You're on the same fucking glass! | |
| Never ending. You're an embarrassment. | |
| For all you know, I'm down 20 giant bottles. | |
| But it's all just gone through this glass. | |
| Run for that at the minute. | |
| Luke, I'd like you to know... | |
| If you're on fire and all it would take is my piss to extinguish you, I would still take a long walk in the cold in the middle of the night to the toilet and piss in the toilet and leave you there. | |
| If you caught on fire right here, right now, I would drink each and every one of these balls. | |
| Each and every one. | |
| I would drink all of them. | |
| Slowly. This is your lesson about dedication to the cause. | |
| What are we doing? | |
| Yeah! Watermelon mess! | |
| You guys keep calling me globetard, so it seems like it. | |
| The earth is flat, look. I follow all the flat earth papers. | |
| Yeah, so, okay. | |
| I mean, it's not flat. | |
| You're a globetard. | |
| You're a globetard. You think this isn't flat? | |
| It's not. It's the world round. | |
| Yes, it's a globe. | |
| Globetard. Alright, so how's it flat then? | |
| Prove to me it's flat. Look outside. | |
| I see the curve. | |
| He does his shit. I do. | |
| I see the curve. Tell him more proof. | |
| More proof. Did you know that not once in the history of space travel ever has any astronaut panned his camera around 360 degrees? | |
| Not once. Why don't they? | |
| What do you mean? Studios. | |
| You're a globe dart. Your name should be Luke the Duke. | |
| When I said your name is Leek. | |
| The Geek. I thought I'd start calling him Lurrd. | |
| Lork. Lork. | |
| Lork the Globetar. | |
| This is stupid. I'm not a Globetar. | |
| You're in a space suit! You can go up there and see it's flat. | |
| But you ain't fucking gone. It's not flat. | |
| That's why you're Lork the Globetar. | |
| So is space fake? Is there even space? | |
| Space is fake. You're Lork. | |
| So it's a dome? Space is CGI. Yeah, it's a solid dome. | |
| I'm gonna drink so much more over that. | |
| There's not left. I'll drink all the water on the earth. | |
| Then what? Then you could be thirsty. | |
| What kind of name is Lork? | |
| That's not my name. But why is he in Lork? | |
| That's not my name. Can everyone who watches Take Confidential please spam Lork's inbox calling him Lork? | |
| I don't have an inbox. | |
| Yeah he does on Instagram. He's real lucky Lork. | |
| Tristan got slowed down by the mob. | |
| They got you, Tristan. Ah, so you touch kids. | |
| Literally saw it. Caught red-handed. | |
| Can I go to my room and ignore you both? | |
| Did you touch that kid? Can we go to our bodies to the room? | |
| Yes, I know. Tristan, admit what happened. | |
| We should go to the club. I'm just saying we should. | |
| I want to get clear. | |
| I don't want to, but I feel morally obligated. | |
| I super don't want to. | |
| You know, I was saying this to you the other day. | |
| I was saying, why does a salmon swim off the river? | |
| It just feels like it happens to you. | |
| Why does this fan have a small heart? | |
| I'm not sure Oh Yeah Oh | |
| Come on | |
| Oh Come on, let me see your hands. | |
| One, two. | |
| Look at my face. | |
| Look at my face! | |
| You don't even have to use a lotion. | |
| You can tell me all you need just a touch. | |
| Baby. | |
|
Mountain Man Race
00:06:21
|
|
| I'm in love. | |
| Since sitting in school, been 17. | |
| No one's ever touched a dream. | |
| I guess it's me. | |
| I should fall in love, I'm a new body. | |
| Well, if I pay extra for the big body. | |
| I'm a pro-dance nigga, nigga I talk. | |
| I'm a pro-dance nigga, nigga I talk. Bless me, that's a money run. | |
| And a chain on my neck, I got chills from the day that I. | |
| Slept with me, when I made it up. | |
| Looking at me, baby, like I made it up. | |
| Crazy, I'm crazy, cause I'm wild. | |
| I'm a pro-dance nigga, nigga I talk. | |
| I don't think a Bugatti's ever traveled on roads like this. | |
| It's a 4x4. Andrew, this isn't a 4x4. | |
| It is 4-wheel drive. I'm not even sure it can go over that bridge. | |
| We have to go to the camping because we have to realign our chakras, so it's just a 4x4. | |
| This isn't a 4x4. | |
| Or it could not happen to the bridge. Is it going to collapse? | |
| Yeah, it might. And then it wants to buy a new car. | |
| No, this is like, what, 6 million euro? | |
| It wants to buy a new one. No, but you can't... | |
| It's not that easy. | |
| It's like... | |
| It's all rocks and... stuff. | |
| Is it gonna collapse? | |
| Yeah. | |
| I'm going to go to the bathroom. | |
| you Bro, there's holes. | |
| It's left. | |
| No one has ever, ever, ever driven up a guy here. | |
| Ever. Who do you mean? | |
| Never. Never in a million years. | |
| This isn't a 4x4. It is. | |
| We're in like the mountain villages. | |
| Yeah? You don't bring Bugatti's out in the mountain villages. | |
| Why? Because even look at the mountain man looking at you being like, why does he... | |
| They're asking why. | |
| They're asking themselves why. | |
| Who does this? He has so much money. | |
| Can't afford another car. That's all I got, man. | |
| Look at Mountain Woman. | |
| She literally is wondering, who is this man? | |
| That woman wants me. She does. | |
| She probably does, to be honest. | |
| She's curious who I am. She's super curious. | |
| I'd be super curious. I'm the big G. I'm the big G. And there's the Mountain Man. | |
| Fuck it. I'll race him right now. | |
| It won't be him. Okay. | |
| You would beat the mountain man in a race. | |
| I admit. How about the road dips? | |
| This is always the best off-road vehicle. | |
| Look, just because it costs all that money doesn't mean I'm going to be like, oh, we can't go driving on terrible terrain. | |
| That's going to ruin it. I'm not fucking gay. | |
| That would be gay, wouldn't it? | |
| So gay. But I definitely don't think Bugatti envisioned this when they were crafting the car. | |
| Probably didn't envision me smoking in it either. | |
| Or fucking driving it drunk. | |
| Full of girls. Probably envisaged loads of shit that ain't gonna happen. | |
| Listen. I don't adhere to the rules of the matrix. | |
| I do things different. | |
| This is very different. | |
| I will admit that this is very different. | |
| I used to go into the mountains. | |
| Yeah, I'm gonna race now. Mountain Race is a mountain man. | |
| This is nice. | |
| They have internet! | |
| We're re-aligning our shop. | |
| There is no more internet, no more webverse. | |
| No, there is. | |
| We're here to live with the nature. | |
| We're going to live with the lands. | |
| We're going to stop living on the internet and booze in all the time. | |
| We're going to do things for our hearts and souls. | |
| So, phones in the grass. | |
| in the grass. | |
| you Listen, that looks absolutely super uncomfortable. | |
| Look at your body. Like, look at your spine. | |
| It's like in a sea. | |
| It's not supposed to do that. | |
| My spine's made of liquid mercury. | |
| What does that mean? Does that just mean it's super dense? | |
| Have you ever seen the Terminator? Okay, so you're the Terminator. | |
| It flows out of a liquid state. | |
| This looks extremely uncomfortable. | |
| Are you comfortable? | |
| My spine is made of solid rubber. | |
| I thought you said it was liquid mercury. | |
| This is the most uncomfortable chair ever. | |
| It is, isn't it? So why are we here again? | |
| Because there's a door. We're here to be one with nature. | |
| Guys, look at this. Your chakras. | |
| Shut the fuck up. Tristan, all... | |
| I've got my chakras right here. | |
| Exactly. Tristan, don't you understand? | |
| We were in the club. We beat some people up. | |
| We punched them in the face. We need to realign our chakras with the nature and the universe. | |
| Are we putting that and take on the natural? | |
| Yes. Okay, fine. | |
| We beat some people up. | |
| After we went to the club and boozing hard with a bunch of fucking whores with big tits. | |
| And now we need to go back to base and realign with the source. | |
| That is my fucking base. | |
| What do you mean that's your base? Well, beating the shit out of people after hanging around a bunch of girls with big fake tics is not your fucking spiritual base. | |
| It's been my entire life. | |
| But... It's what I know and do best. | |
| It's my natural state of existence. | |
| That is the worst spiritual base ever. | |
| Can't be a spiritual base. | |
| It's not very spiritual. I'm not fucking happy. | |
| Can't you just enjoy the fucking nature? | |
| Yeah, look at the clouds. Let's count them. | |
| You're gonna be cold. Tristan, you're also going to be cold. | |
| You're both going to be cold. Because it's getting colder and colder. | |
| Sun's going down. Even I've got sweats and... | |
|
Emergency Goat Ride
00:02:39
|
|
| There's no way a tricycle will heat you up in a way that you make unlimited heat. | |
| But the tricycle won't help. | |
| It's got four wheels, mate. | |
| That's what I get a tricycle. It's bicycle training wheels, dickhead. | |
| Okay. I don't actually know whether it's called a tricycle or not. | |
| A tricycle with three wheels. That is clearly a bicycle with training wheels. | |
| Isn't that the same thing? | |
| No. Can you admit you're a monumental failure and there's not a vehicle on earth if I can't drive? | |
| I might have to admit that. | |
| Or this. I might have to admit that. | |
| Emergency meeting! What do you mean there's an emergency? | |
| You can't tricycle to the emergency. | |
| It's not even an effective... | |
| I can tell that that's way more effort than walking. | |
| Well, Andy's just gliding here. | |
| I'm walking with my big heavy legs. | |
| Andy's just gliding along. | |
| That's not gliding at all. I see the effort. | |
| He's slowing down so you can keep up. | |
| No. I'm just walking at a normal pace. | |
| I'm not even walking fast. Now he's trying to catch up. | |
| He's trying to speed it up. | |
| It's off the hill now. | |
| Oh, yeah. | |
| I can't get it back on the hill. | |
| I can't just pull it off. | |
| So tricycles aren't an ineffective mode of transportation. | |
| That's a tricycle and we all know it. | |
| Where's the meeting? Where? | |
| It's not an emergency. Here. | |
| The ba- the- the goat. | |
| Is that the emergency meeting alarm? | |
| We have a new one. Yeah, the goat. | |
| That's an emergency meeting. So until we sit down, it won't- we won't get it. | |
| The emergency meeting is sitting on the balcony of that cabin. | |
| I don't know what we're talking about. It is, isn't it? | |
| That one. But it's clearly there. | |
| The goat's calling us. The two goats. | |
| Goats are aggressive, right? The emergency goats. | |
| Are you underwear of my hands? | |
| It reminded me of yesterday. They look like dumbasses as well. | |
| I'll take out the fucking game, goat. | |
| I actually think goats want beef. | |
| I actually think he really wants it. | |
| I'm the goat up in here. | |
| The goat wants beef, doesn't he? | |
| But doesn't he realize that his neck being in that position is such a... | |
| Imagine axe kick down. | |
| Yeah. Or up. A soccer kick up. | |
| He wouldn't... Hey, he heard ya. We'll get more tactical, dude. | |
| Alright, come on. Thank you, Brandon. | |
| Thanks for the fun. Thank you. | |