| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Why Are We Doing This?
00:08:10
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|
| We have what we like to call an open door policy. | |
| What does that mean? There was an issue where there was a really hot one and I had a locksmith issue so we kicked that bitch in. | |
| Wait, it's never locked. | |
| Good show, everything! | |
| Good show, everything! | |
| Take one for the team. | |
| It is gonna be horrible This is ass. I'm just saying, now I feel safe with him behind the wheel. | |
| Now. After the fifth one. | |
| Finally. Finally we feel safe. | |
| I feel safe. What? | |
| This doesn't make sense. | |
| Finally we're safe. Am I insane? | |
| Am I crazy? We're in the four big body, bro. | |
| Take a bunch of yours. Am I the crazy one? | |
| What's this? Yoga fire. | |
| Am I the crazy one? | |
| No, I think I'm around a bunch of fucking crazy people. | |
| All of the time. | |
| Woo! Look at them! | |
| Go hang out with someone else, nerd. | |
| Or hang out with your own kind. Down at the chess club or the library. | |
| We're boozing. Why am I here? | |
| Woo! | |
| What are we doing? | |
| Hey Luke! | |
| I can't! | |
| What is this? | |
| Give me a beer! | |
| Why do I hang out with you guys? | |
| Why do I hang out with these people? | |
| Wish I'd known a loser! | |
| What? | |
| I'm sorry, I'm sorry. | |
| It's not me, I'm with Paul Beard. | |
| It can be pretty fun if you got sober up. | |
| That's Paul Beard, sober up. | |
| That's why he's sober up. | |
| That is. | |
| You know what, I'm sitting there, lips in stipples, got the whole looking for me. | |
| All my exes live in Texas. | |
| Yeah. | |
| I'm not going to tell you. | |
| And Texas is the place I'd really love to be. | |
| Crazy too, some girls don't like boys like me. | |
| Oh, but some girls do. | |
| What is this? | |
| Well, I ain't first class, but I ain't quite trash. | |
| And a little crazy too, some girls don't like boys like me. | |
| Luke, how long till we're there? | |
| 8 minutes. | |
| Eight minutes! Eight minutes! | |
| 8 minutes! | |
| Time for a new fucking roll beer! | |
| 4 booze! | |
| 8 whole fucking minutes! | |
| God damn! | |
| Woo! | |
| Woo! | |
| What is this guy doing? | |
| I'm talking about the whole beer at the bus stop. | |
| What's all this shit? Whole beer! | |
| I got plenty of these! | |
| Let's go! | |
| Take all of this, I hate it, but no beers in London! | |
| But nothing in Oakwood! | |
| No beers! | |
| Yee-haw! | |
| Why are we doing this? Zoom in. | |
| So they're waiting up here now. | |
| Yeah, there's any police up there. | |
| You know what I'm going to do? And I swear to God, if the police stop us, I'm going to... | |
| And I'm going to throw some cans at the police. | |
| You know what? Listen, listen, listen. | |
| I'm driving. Fuck those motherfuckers. | |
| I'll throw another beer at the bar. | |
| I'm 12 with 97 minutes. | |
| What's wrong with these people? What? | |
| What's wrong with me? Yeah, what's wrong with you people? | |
| I'm not a f***ing b**** BOOS WOOHOO Why are we in a boat? | |
| Where are we going? We're pirates. | |
| Cowboy pirates. | |
| That's all I think. Two trash bags. | |
| And some ice. | |
| It's called a redneck. | |
| Fucking ice chest. | |
| Well, two trash bags, as a man who I can serve, I'm basically a piece of trash. | |
| Give me that fucking beer. There you go, white boy. | |
| Thank you very much, my husband. Half white boy. | |
| Half white boy. I'm a full white boy. | |
| I'm half white. I'm half white. | |
| Hey, guess what, baby? | |
| The house is gonna be shaking. | |
| Hope those bricks and boards are taken. | |
| Woo! That's G country, sir. | |
| What are we doing? We're all super hammered. | |
| Why are we doing it in Miami on jet skis? | |
| We shouldn't be here. What are we- Mine's the slowest one. | |
| Ha! You're slow. | |
| No, you're slow. | |
| Yeah, you are! So he's gone full. | |
| It's not being super wet. | |
| Ah! He's slow! He's the slow one! | |
| Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! | |
| Oh. | |
| Thank you. | |
| So take confidential. Tristan is naturally slow. | |
| He's slow. He can't go. | |
| He's slow. Tristan's slow. | |
| Tristan's slow. Jet ski hose. | |
| Remember me on the ferry. He's basically like a one-star hotel room, basically. | |
| Fuck off, Luke. They're just drinking up there. | |
| Yeah, we're just drinking. I came to hide. | |
| We're just drinking down here, mate. | |
| Find somewhere to sleep, Luke. | |
| Find somewhere to sleep, mate. | |
| Bye! Don't check, wow! | |
| See, I can't get holes in her jet. | |
| I'm from the streets, bro! | |
| I'm from the streets! We got two things for you on this island. | |
| Well, first of all, we bought these genuine Cuban cigars when we left Romania. | |
| Wait, they're actually real Cubans. | |
| I know, I know. We bought them. | |
| I know, real Cubans. The last time we left Romania, the last time we saw these gentlemen, and so... | |
| Take your picture. Don't call me a gentleman again. | |
| I did generous. Just so we don't get too classy, show them the redneck ice chest. | |
| Oh, the redneck ice chest. Oh, the redneck ice chest. | |
| What do you mean, redneck ice chest? | |
| Two bags. | |
| Two plastic bags. | |
| Filled with ice. The middle one, you fill with ice. | |
| And you have an insulating layer. | |
| They're fucking trash bags. | |
| Insulating layer. Ice cold beer. | |
| Ice cold. I don't want to question the men of Louisiana, but why wouldn't you just put one bag and fill it with ice hands? | |
| Yeah, I'm confused. Insulating layer. | |
| Insulating layer. We need insulating layer. | |
| I mean insulating layer. But it doesn't make any sense. | |
| Why do I just have one girlfriend? | |
|
Why Not Ice Bags?
00:04:26
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|
| They got you. | |
| Five minutes ago, everyone here was looking at my ass. | |
| My jet ski is slow, my jet ski is slow. | |
| So who's the homo? You were all staring at my naked ass five minutes ago. | |
| So who's gay? Redneck ice chest, motherfucker. | |
| What is this? Luke, take your boots. | |
| Why am I with these degenerates? | |
| Take your fucking boots. Take your fucking boots. | |
| Fuck Luke, we only have five more beers anyway. | |
| Only. Only. | |
| We'll get more, don't worry. I'm going to pick a truck up on a cab. | |
| Don't you want to ask me. Alright, so let's hang out here until we have to drive back. | |
| Mine's slow as fuck. Mine's fucked. | |
| Cubans. It could be because you're very, very heavy. | |
| Yeah, I think you can't drive. | |
| Honestly, it's Walter. | |
| Folks, don't work that way. Justin isn't. | |
| Wait till he's in McLaren. I'm in the Aston and I overtake his Aston. | |
| Boom! I'm going to do McLaren slow. | |
| Oh, it's so slow. | |
| They got you, Tristan. We all know your jet skis just as fast as everyone else's. | |
| It's your slow. You're too afraid to press the button. | |
| You're too afraid to go all the way down. | |
| So you go like a quarter of the way. | |
| It's okay Tristan. I know sometimes it's fast | |
| We're about to get rich, right here, at Hawthorne University. | |
| We're going to do a little bit of research. We're going to do a little bit of research. | |
| We're going to do a little bit of research. | |
| We have what we like to call an open door policy. | |
| What does that mean? There was an issue where there was a really hot lawn and I had a locksmith issue so we kicked that bitch in. | |
| Wait. It's never locked. | |
| It's never locked. We've been out all day. | |
| Who the fuck is gonna mess with us? | |
| What do you mean? They'll just do it when you're not home. | |
| They're ours. That's right. | |
| Don't worry. We don't need doors and locks and outlets. | |
| So everything in here is free? | |
| Yeah, basically. Free booze! | |
| So they have loads of free cigars, free booze. | |
| And absolutely nobody has touched them. | |
| Until now! If we're crazy enough... | |
| I wonder how easy it is to take the TV off. | |
|
Open Door Policy
00:03:48
|
|
| Free TV. It's fine, bro. | |
| Now we know where he goes to Michigan is loose. | |
| Free things. | |
| Yeah, it's free. This is the free house. | |
| Yeah, it's free. It's all free. Free your suicide. | |
| Yeah. Yeah. | |
| Just push pace. Grab the microphone, Justin. | |
| Yeah, I'm not singing. Yes, you are. | |
| Here we go. Put Rick, put Rick, put Rick, Ashley, and I'll sing it. | |
| You're singing, Justin. | |
| I'm not singing. Justin, you're singing. | |
| Oh, right. That's what she said. | |
| Here. Let's go! | |
| Have you ever heard old Marshall Dylan say, Miss Kitty, have you ever thought of running away? | |
| Sittling down, would you marry me? | |
| If I asked you twice, make you pretty pleased. | |
| I said yes in a New York minute. | |
| He never tried to knock. | |
| His heart wasn't in it. | |
| He just stole a kiss as he rolled away. | |
| He never hung his hat. | |
| Get it. That kid is please. | |
| I should have been a cowboy. | |
| I should have learned to roll the ride. | |
| Look at this. What does that mean? | |
| What does that mean? | |
| I hope you're still alive! | |
| Don't do this to me! | |
| Yes! | |
| What does that mean? | |
| Why? I don't know. | |
| Stop! | |
| Don't do this to me! | |
| Stop! | |
| Don't do this to me! | |
| Stop! | |
| We're in a third world country. | |
| So what was that dance you did last summer in Miami? | |
| Oh look, this is my house dance. | |
| You don't know that this is my house dance. | |
| You guys can't keep buying houses. | |
| We don't have enough houses. Yeah. | |
| Pool. We have a pool. | |
| You need to buy a boat. | |
| Yeah, how do you need a boat? We don't need a boat. | |
| We never use the boat. | |
| So basically the hotel was terrible. | |
| $2,000 a night. | |
| Per room. Yeah, per room. | |
| And then you have to pay $15 for one time. | |
| No, it's fucking gay. I know. | |
| In my room, there's no signal for it. | |
| The phones all don't work. | |
| The fucking phone signal's trash. | |
| We have SIM cards. We have American SIM cards. | |
| We went to go buy them. The whole country. | |
| I actually think we're in a third world country. | |
| I figured it out. Yeah, it's failed society. | |
| Yeah, literally. America's a third world country. | |
| So now we're in a $13 million house on the Miami fucking canal team. | |
| And we're just going to have to do what we do best, which is just keep flexing our burquoise. | |
| But the fucking hotel is a joke. | |
| Let's hire a barman than a chef. | |
| A barman and a chef? Barman, chef. | |
| I'll do a bit of a wrangle. A few shots for Luke. | |
| No, I don't need these. What do you think? | |
| No. I mean, yesterday we started drinking at 10 a.m. | |
| and then we drunk and then the jet skis and we were drunk the whole time. | |
| We went to that restaurant afterwards and we were drinking there and then we went to the club and then we drunk. | |
| Well caught today feeling absolutely I'm not aware of his presence. | |
| No one will ever get our jokes. | |
| Ever. Luke, is your mom singing? | |
| Is your mom singing? I call my mom fat. | |
| Yeah. See, the fat woman's not singing. | |
| I can't hear her. Can you hear her? To me, that ain't over. | |