| Time | Text |
|---|---|
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Free Booze, Good Times
00:14:57
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|
| And here I am. Look, I'm a fucking dickhead. | |
| Look at me. Peer pressure. Why the fuck am I around you? | |
| I hate you. You're the worst people in the world. | |
| I literally hate all of you. | |
| Good shot, man, for 10! | |
| Good shot, man, for 10! | |
| I think I'm gonna take that. | |
| Two. | |
| Andrew, who am I doing an impression of? | |
| Oh, no. | |
| What do you mean? Luke? | |
| Yeah, Luke. Wait, what? You can't just dance. | |
| Why are we here? What do you got? | |
| I got us these. I don't like the United States. | |
| What are they? They don't have them anywhere else. | |
| Four toothbrushes for three dollars. | |
| And you're telling me why you're asking me why we can- Just by- This is the reason. | |
| You don't need four toothbrushes. | |
| Tristan, they have these. | |
| This is the reason we came to Miami. They don't have these anywhere else. | |
| We don't like Miami. Listen, Tristan, you said you wanted to stay in Romania, but you lost the card game, the card trick. | |
| I famosed you, I bamboozled you, and I predicted your card perfectly. | |
| It was amazing. You didn't. | |
| You're making that up. No, no, no. | |
| It was amazing. It was amazing. They're making this up. | |
| And Tristan, genuinely, think about it. | |
| Where else could we get these? | |
| I'm a magician. Oh. | |
| That's not what you are. No means yes. | |
| Am I a magician? Because he knows. | |
| So you got two toothbrushes. | |
| Why do you get two toothbrushes? You actually don't know why we came to Miami. | |
| Those are yours? We came to work on our cookie business. | |
| What do you mean cookie business? | |
| We have a cookie business named after you. | |
| We don't have a cookie business. What's the number one word people use to describe you? | |
| Loser. Talisman. Geek. | |
| Besides loser. There's no one... | |
| Tiny. No one... | |
| Tiny? I'm bigger than both of you. | |
| He is tiny, is he? Ah! | |
| Tiny cookies. Tiny Tate. | |
| Tiny Tate's cookies! | |
| You need to grow the fuck up while I fly home by myself. | |
| Do you admit it? Do you admit we have a cookie? | |
| No. Do you admit you have a cookie? | |
| Ah, so every time we buy these we get profit. | |
| What are you doing? We're helping our business. | |
| We can't just buy Cheetos. | |
| We're going to eat the Cheetos. | |
| We're going to eat the fucking cookies. Yeah, we are. | |
| You think we don't eat all the... | |
| We make the best cookies. I bet they're awful. | |
| I bet they're the best. We're buying them because it's our business. | |
| It's our business. Pure profit. | |
| Oh, it's definitely poison. Yeah, wait, why'd you get that one? | |
| Get this one. Extra strength. | |
| Those are extra strength, too. Yeah, but the red one. | |
| So listen, five hour energy. | |
| If I drink five of these, then I'll have 25 hours of energy for a day. | |
| Here, I need five. I'll drink it for five. | |
| 25 hours of energy. | |
| I've effectively eliminated sleep and doubled my lifespan. | |
| And you think you're the smart one. | |
| I'm the brains of this outfit, clearly. | |
| Enjoy sleeping. | |
| Enjoy sleeping. | |
| Tristan, it's not funny at all. | |
| Listen! You ever heard of the term Miami insane? | |
| No. It's not a term. | |
| I'm going Miami insane. | |
| That's not a term. Yes, it is. | |
| No. Yes, it is. | |
| You're lying. Throw chairs off balconies. | |
| Don't do that. Aikido. It's my chair. | |
| Champagne. Your room. | |
| I don't care about your room. Listen. | |
| Miami is for rich people. | |
| And we are rich. | |
| Rick. So, we need to go Miami insane. | |
| You don't have math. | |
| It's a basic equation. It's smart. | |
| We need to do boat Aikido. | |
| Jet ski martinis. | |
| I don't think you're listening to it. I don't think you're listening to it. | |
| What does this mean? Drunk driving. | |
| Things! Action! | |
| Action! There's action in Miami. | |
| We need to spend lots of money and have lots of fun. | |
| Although this hotel, we're spending $10,000 for a couple days, and it is actually terrible. | |
| This hotel is substandard. | |
| So what we need to do is up the budgets, increase expenditure. | |
| The more money we throw out into Miami, the more fun will come into my soul. | |
| That's cause and effect. | |
| So you're telling me we should spend as much money as possible and plan the most crazy, fun activities we can possibly find in Miami? | |
| Yes. I say we just stay in the hotel room. | |
| Your cousin is disabled. Let's go in the metaverse. | |
| Aren't there NFT places here? | |
| You're in charge of fun. Miami's NFT land. | |
| Do something fun. I'm in charge of fun. | |
| I'm going to plan for us the most crazy activities. | |
| NFT party. Should we just add your intake to our drive? | |
| Just grabbing this food and buy it. | |
| The ultimate end. Last episode. | |
| No more uploads. Just watch. | |
| Yeah. Last episode. | |
| Salvage the phone out of the ocean though. | |
| Nah, we can just wrestle off in the fall. | |
| Good point. Last scene. | |
| See you later, Luke. Nah, that doesn't sound as good. | |
| My son, you're in charge of fun. | |
| You sound terrible. Keep me entertained. | |
| You made me come here. Keep me entertained. | |
| I've got an idea. Okay. | |
| I'm in. You look like a cultured man. | |
| I am. Leave it to me. | |
| NFTs? Can't flip me off. | |
| We need to go back into that verse. | |
| You're not. Breakfast. | |
| You just finished the night of boozing. | |
| You went for the pancakes, yeah? Cool. | |
| Good choice. It's not for the gin and tart. | |
| Yeah. Oh, the gin and tea. That wasn't one of the breakfast meals. | |
| It wasn't all the options. | |
| I ordered it from the same waitress you ordered your breakfast from. | |
| Why do you do these things? What things? | |
| Keep the buzz going, you know? | |
| Why do you want the buzz to keep going? | |
| Keep the buzz. Carry the buzz over. | |
| Until the next day. So you're a bumblebee? | |
| Yes. Okay, I cracked it. | |
| Banana smoothie? Nice. | |
| Can I have another gin and tonic, please? | |
| Thank you. And can I have a banana smoothie, please? | |
| Sure. Thanks. You can't actually want gin tonics. | |
| They're refreshing. No, they're not. | |
| They're not. They're actually not. | |
| They're not. And I bet you Take Confidential's psyops into believing that they're actually rejuvenating and refreshing. | |
| They are refreshing. But they're not. | |
| Lou, Andrew, you get the final say. | |
| Are gin tonics refreshing? | |
| They're not. It's a lie. | |
| It's a psyop. | |
| I hope someone on Take Confidential actually tries to drink as much as you do. | |
| All right. Yeah, they'll just feel. | |
| They'll feel what it is. | |
| They'll realize quickly it's not refreshing. | |
| It's not rejuvenating. Why are we in Miami? | |
| He did. | |
| Man, that was such a good card trick. | |
| Man, it was fucking good though. | |
| I'm serious. I really wish I recorded it. | |
| I might have to do it again for the cameras. | |
| I know. No, it was really, really, really good. | |
| I might do it again if you fall for it twice. No way. | |
| He probably will. Alright, what do we do if he falls for it twice? | |
| We would have to go nuts, wouldn't we? | |
| We would have to go nuts, wouldn't we? | |
| Not going back to Romania until you stop falling for that card trick. | |
| Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. | |
| So from now on, whenever you want to go back to Romania, do a card trick. | |
| If you fall for it, we don't go back. | |
| We go somewhere else. I'm never going to remain again. | |
| So he knows. He's admitted defeat. | |
| He can't beat the car trick. No, I just don't. | |
| You've accepted it. So it's my birthday. | |
| It's my birthday, and I'm going to spend my money. | |
| It is your birthday. Tristan, you said spend money, so that's the plan. | |
| Yeah, good. Just woke up. | |
| Nice sunny morning in Miami. | |
| Nice cup of booze. It's booze. | |
| No. I hate booze. | |
| Paper cup booze. Yeah. | |
| Because this is America. It's my birthday, and you have to drink booze. | |
| Don't worry, I can improve this booze. | |
| I'll be back in a second. I'll be back in a second. | |
| Back in a second. What do you mean? | |
| Nothing can improve booze. | |
| Everyone knows that. Booze is horrible. | |
| We'll see. It's horrible no matter what. | |
| There's nothing you can possibly do to make it better. | |
| What's he gonna do? Hold on fire! | |
| Alright, you'll go fire. Alright, it's midday. | |
| Yeah. What's Luke's usual bedtime? | |
| 5pm? 5pm, correct. | |
| 5pm, because he's a little sleepyhead. | |
| Well, these is an amazing American potion that I've discovered. | |
| I've had four already. What do you mean? | |
| So if I drink my fifth one, then I'll be up for 25 hours. | |
| 5 hour energy. That doesn't make sense. | |
| So now, you can't sleep until 10. | |
| 5 hour energy. Yeah. | |
| That makes you Luke doesn't go to sleep. Is that how it works? | |
| It's science, Luke. | |
| America is leading the world in scientific innovation. | |
| I don't think we actually do. | |
| Got the COVID-19 jab. | |
| Now this. It's all good. | |
| Wait, so it's nasty as well? | |
| It's horrible. Delicious. | |
| It's not delicious. I saw it on your face. | |
| It was so tasty. Drink your thing. | |
| Wash it down with some booze. Yeah. | |
| Sorry, let me help you. So you gave me something horrible to go with my horrible booze. | |
| Get the booze in, yeah. It will energize the booze. | |
| Will it? Yeah. Booze times two, booze squared. | |
| That's right. It's a good system. | |
| It's literally like cough medicine. | |
| Nice, nice. Five hour energy. | |
| Alright, so at least this will keep me awake until 10, yeah? | |
| Yeah, I'll get you another one later. And you're awake till three. | |
| Never sleeping again. Just keep every five hours. | |
| So why does everyone do this? | |
| Keep pumping it up. I don't know. | |
| Never sleeping again. | |
| I've discovered it. So wait. | |
| So we finally cracked the fucking code. | |
| Yeah. We've just doubled our lifespan effectively. | |
| We already cracked the code to never sleep. | |
| We're just trying to help you out now. | |
| So this is a cheat code. | |
| Yeah. All right. | |
| Good day, good day. | |
| How you going? | |
| What do you know? | |
| Well, strike a light. | |
| Good day, good day. | |
| And how you going? | |
| Just say good day, good day, good day, and you'll be right. | |
| Okay, so we get in the car. | |
| Justin and Sterling, pick us up. | |
| Well, nice road beers. | |
| Isn't this illegal in the United States? | |
| No, it's not. Well, open a container of alcohol. | |
| Illegal if you're a pussy. | |
| That's not how laws work. | |
| Oh, sick nasty! What are we doing? | |
| How you going? What is this? | |
| No. You'll strike a lot. | |
| How you going? | |
| You say g'day, g'day, g'day, and you'll be right. | |
| Isn't it right? | |
| To have a birthday! | |
| Taking a walk along the street. | |
| Woo! Woo! | |
| I love tequila. | |
| No, no. Actually, why is booze a gift? | |
| Well, I actually don't get that idea. | |
| These guys know the management here, so they sent us some free shots of tequila. | |
| I, even though it's my birthday, I'm not drinking tequila before I'm supposed to eat. | |
| I'm going to feel sick if I drink that tequila and I eat food on top and I feel like shit all day. | |
| I would say... It smells bad as well. | |
| You can literally smell it. That's the thing. | |
| I couldn't hear you over the sound of me drinking. | |
| And actually, you can smell it super badly. | |
| Trust me, do you want mine? No. | |
| You want yours. I don't. | |
| I don't. I super don't. | |
| I want yours. I super hate booze. | |
| Buy you. I figured it out. | |
| I super, super hate booze. | |
| I don't even understand how it's a gift. | |
| Can you hear him crying too? | |
| Just give him a few minutes. | |
| A little smallest violin that's playing. | |
| Booze is a gift because it gives you the gift. | |
| What's the gift? The gift it gives you is numbness. | |
| I don't want numbness. It numbs you from other people's bullshit. | |
| I don't want that. Like people being a pussy. | |
| You can hate yourself in silence. | |
| We love ourselves. | |
| Free booze. You guys are right. | |
| What can I do? | |
| What can I say? You're right. And my hand's itching. | |
| I'm going to grab it and shoot it right now. | |
| My hand's itching. The proof's on point. | |
| And I'm going to feel sick all day. | |
| I'm going to eat the food on top. | |
| It's horrible. Tequila's the one alcohol I can't drink. | |
| I fucking hate it. And here I am. | |
| Look, I'm a fucking dickhead. Look at me. | |
| Peer pressure. Why the fuck are I around with you? | |
| I hate you. You're the worst people in the world. | |
| I literally hate all of you. I want you to know that I hope my next birthday I see none of you. | |
| I hope it's the last birthday I see any of you fucks ever again. | |
| I hate all of you. Lies. | |
| Fucking digs. Well, speaking of peer pressure, that's four out of five. | |
| That's four out of five, Luke. Oh, yeah. | |
| What's that, Luke? Give me the camera. Yeah, Luke. | |
| Sorry. Turn it over, bro. I was the last bastard. | |
| I know. I tried to save you. | |
| He was holding the line for you, Luke. | |
| He was praying you were going to... | |
| The line is broken. I'm actually... | |
| The enemy are at the gates. My body actually hates me. | |
| So... My body literally hates me. | |
| What do you want? Therapy? You're going to keep crying? | |
| Keep talking? Call that a body? | |
| What body? Here's the gym. | |
| Okay. And Andrew's birthday. | |
| Luke? Welcome to the real world. | |
| Let's go, Luke. Booze is pure poison. | |
| Welcome to the real world, Luke. Welcome to the real world, Luke. | |
|
I Don't Want In
00:01:06
|
|
| Welcome to the big school. I don't want to be part of the friendship circle. | |
| I don't want to be part of the friendship circle. | |
| I don't like any of you. | |
| Everyone's jealous of the friendship circle. | |
| Everyone's jealous. We have the power of friendship. | |
| We're shooting lasers out of our hearts. | |
| The magical power. Yeah, I don't need any of that. | |
| I don't care. I don't know why I'm here. | |
| I'm here because it's my cousin's birthday. | |
| I don't even really like him. | |
| Who's cousin? Is he your cousin? | |
| No, my cousin. I'm my fucking cousin. | |
| Who's birthday? I'm leaving. | |
| I'm not a cousin of mine. That's an idiot. | |
| We're not leaving. We're super drunk. | |
| We're doing all the dumb shit that's not planned. | |
| That's what it is. We're doing it all drunk. | |
| There's dumb shit planned. | |
| Of course there's dumb shit planned. No, no, no. | |
| We planned it. Of course there's dumb shit planned. | |
| It was a ladies brunch and now we're finished. | |
| Yeah, on a Wednesday. Now it's drum circles in sleep. | |
| Yeah. End of the day. | |
| Cut the episode. Jet ski hose. | |
| Remember me on the ferry. Don't check. | |
| Wow. You think I can't get a hose on her jet ski? | |
| She doesn't know me. I'm from the streets, bro. | |