| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Ubering Luxury
00:04:14
|
|
| Good shot there from Tate! | |
| A lot of people say girls love money and that's not entirely true. | |
| But I'm not sure. | |
| I'm not sure. | |
| I'm not sorry. | |
| I'm not going. | |
| I call you. Yeah, no problem. | |
| No, I've got the call. This is nice. | |
| Yeah, nice. You know, I tried to Uber the Rolls Royce Phantom in Romania and they told me no. | |
| This is the quality of Ubers you get outside of Romania. | |
| And they wouldn't let me Uber. | |
| Yes, that's correct. | |
| Thank you. And they wouldn't let me Uber the Rolls Royce, Luke. | |
| Yeah, they're trying to keep remaining Ubers whacked. | |
| This car is wonderful. | |
| This is wonderful. | |
| So this is a castle. | |
| Yeah, that should be. It is. | |
| It looks like one. | |
| This is a castle. Very nice. | |
| Nice. Wonderful. | |
| And there's a balcony here, isn't there? | |
| I was told. Yeah, on this side. | |
| Okay. Ah, you can see the walls look. | |
| That's nice. There's a balcony here, and why can't I smoke a cigarette on the balcony? | |
| Yes? No, we can clean it. | |
| There's no problem. Oh, there's a nice fridge here already. | |
| Perfect. Very nice. | |
| Yeah. Okay. Thank you very much. | |
| Phone here, you can call housekeeping room service. | |
| Oh wow, thank you so much. | |
| Thank you very much. And yeah, if I need anything, I'll give you guys a call. | |
| Yes, sure. Thank you so much. | |
| Thank you, bye. Have a good one. | |
| Now this is a nice hotel. | |
| It's literally like a castle. | |
| It is. We are in a castle. | |
| Yeah, we are in a castle. They play the piano downstairs. | |
| Yeah, they play the piano. This is Piano Lady. | |
| Wanna go to the spa? Yes. | |
| Do some spa Aikido? Spa Aikido. | |
| Let's fucking go. One sec. | |
| Hello, how are you? Yeah, pretty good. | |
| Yeah, yeah. Yes, both backs. | |
| Both backs, thank you. | |
| Nice. | |
| Thank you, Mr. Freeman. Thank you very much. | |
| Ciao. Goodbye. Goodbye. | |
| Is that how you pronounce it? | |
| A pianist? There is. | |
| We have nice robes. | |
| I don't think they'd really miss them. | |
| They are nice robes though. | |
| I will admit these are very nice robes. | |
| They have a golf wing. | |
| Yeah, on the right. | |
| Why is this hotel so fancy? | |
| I did mention that this is a fancy hotel. | |
|
Fancy Hotel Finds
00:03:15
|
|
| Yeah, and this is a very fancy country. | |
| I really do think it is. From what I've seen from Switzerland so far, it's the fanciest country I've ever been in. | |
| It's fancier than Dubai. | |
| It's the fanciest, cleanest country with green trees everywhere. | |
| They didn't fuck up their environment. | |
| I'm sure it is. I'm sure it's super boring. | |
| Yeah, there can't be chaos. | |
| Chaos is fun. This is where billionaires go to sit in their castles while the peasants do chaotic things and degeneracy. | |
| It's true. Not yet. | |
| Wait for those Tate Confidentials. | |
| Shit. Oh, when I become a billionaire? | |
| Yeah. Tate's became a billionaire. | |
| How are you a billionaire? Give me two more years when I'm worth a hundred million, then it's going to be crazy. | |
| Right now I'm poor compared to my future self. | |
| Shit, we got a decade left. | |
| My future self is looking through a time machine at me, laughing at me. | |
| Yeah. Because of rope boys. | |
| Yeah. As if this is what rope boys do. | |
| Exactly. Fuck the ice room. | |
| It's minus 15. | |
| It's minus 15, T. I'm already cold. | |
| Imagine your feet, bro. | |
| Alright, T goes in the ice room. | |
| How's the ice room, T? How do you like it? | |
| Alright, alright, fuck it. Alright, the feet is the worst part. | |
| So, we're staying in a hotel... | |
| Where they have real snow in a snow room. | |
| If I got stuck in here, I'd die. | |
| So we made it too warm, so they decided to cool it down. | |
| This is vulnerable! Luke, why did we pay a thousand dollars a night to stand in here? | |
| Alright, I'm out. I'm gone. | |
| I'm following you. Fuck this. | |
| Fuck the ice room. The ice room's whack. | |
| Yeah, the ice room's whack. He got me. | |
| I will admit he got me. | |
| So, he threw a snowball at me. | |
| He didn't throw a snowball at me. | |
| I got hit. I did get hit. | |
| He got me but my phone blocked most of it I | |
| This food is amazing. | |
| I don't know. | |
| This is the best food. | |
| Maybe, maybe in the world. | |
| It's one of the best restaurants in Switzerland. | |
| Best food in the world, Luke. | |
|
The Best Food Debate
00:04:40
|
|
| It might be. No. | |
| Best food I've tried. Yeah, but you used to eat rice and beans out of a thermos until a year ago. | |
| Yeah, but this is the best food I've ever tried. | |
| Guys, this is the best food in the world. | |
| This is not the best food in the world. | |
| It is. It's very good food, and Luke just hasn't been to enough five-star restaurants. | |
| The carrots taste like candy. | |
| But luckily, his cousin is a very nice guy and takes him to very nice places. | |
| We should have filmed more, but... | |
| It's just food. No. | |
| It was super good. We do. | |
| We don't. We do. Guys, this food was the best food. | |
| I wish you could try it, but you can't because I ate it all. | |
| And you're not here in Switzerland, are you? | |
| Turn the camera off. | |
| So... What are these? | |
| This is flexing on the broke boards. | |
| Is this supposed to make me feel bad for spending two thousand dollars for a place to sleep? | |
| I think it is. Well guess what? | |
| I fucking don't. | |
| I don't. I've been broke. I've been homeless. | |
| Who helped me? Nobody. Nobody. | |
| I helped me. I'll book the Snoop Dogg Hotel when I'm on my way to Stuttgart on the train. | |
| I'm afraid right now I have to bank so I'm signing off for the day. | |
| This is a very nice bank. | |
| Of course it is. You know I opened this bank thing at half a million dollars. | |
| Yeah. | |
| I like Switzerland. | |
| Yeah, the banks are certainly nice. | |
| Yeah. I will never be allowed to have a Swiss bank account. | |
| They basically said, oh, that's very interesting. | |
| Oh, you have lots of money? No. | |
| Gambling, high-risk industry. | |
| Pornography, high-risk industry. | |
| Webcam girls, strip clubs, all the things that I do. | |
| High-risk industries. | |
| Plus, I have an American passport. | |
| They just told me, I highly doubt, even if you gave away your American passport and cleaned up your business affairs, I highly doubt any bank in Switzerland will entertain giving you an account. | |
| I give up. Switzerland doesn't like money. | |
| Yeah. Well, they do. | |
| But not your money. Not my money. | |
| I have dirty money. Shit. | |
| Shit. It's not even dirty. | |
| I know. It's tax payable. | |
| They just don't like it. | |
| They just don't like it. They don't want my money. | |
| They don't want it. So... | |
| I'm depressed now. It was a nice hotel. | |
| It was a nice hotel. And it was a nice meeting with the bank. | |
| I felt important for the first five minutes I went in. | |
| It's true. Until they started asking me where my money comes from. | |
| Yeah. And I just saw their faces drop like, why is this millionaire pornographer sitting in our offices? | |
| They deal with like, billionaire bank managers. | |
| Yeah. Look, I sell titties on the internet. | |
| I'm sorry. Sorry? | |
| Sorry. How else am I supposed to do it? | |
| I'll use another bank. I have a theory about why they won't allow me to have a bank account. | |
| So I told them that I run webcam models and that's how I made my millions of dollars. | |
| So, the guy across the table looked at me frowningly and said, oh, that's a risky industry. | |
| You're not allowed to have a bank with us. | |
| So he was angry at me because I run webcam girls and I make porn. | |
| And that's why I'm not allowed to bank. | |
| But thinking about it now, that guy looked very familiar. | |
| And I think he may be one of my webcam customers who calls my girls and jacks off. | |
| He's rich. He's from Switzerland. | |
| He's an old dude. Typical demographic. | |
| He looked at me suspiciously from the moment I said what job I did. | |
| You also, T, do look like a bank robber. | |
| If you look at him, imagine this man coming in to your bank. | |
| Why do you have a bag? Why does he have a bag? | |
| Okay, and I do look like a bank robber. | |
| You do. He does look like a bank robber. | |
| I'm a bank robber who makes porn. | |
| And then there's me, also with a bag, dressed all black. | |
| Yeah. We're bank robbers, Luke. | |
| We could be bank robbers. Yeah, the guy at the bank is a customer, and he's hating on me. | |
| He's player hating. He is player hating. | |
| He's trying to get you. | |
| I'll keep my money in Bitcoin. Fuck him. | |
| Fuck him until then I come back. | |
| It is nice though, T. Maybe we should come back. | |
| Maybe we should live here. We could live in that hotel forever. | |
| Why don't you move here yourself? | |
| Because I'm broke. I can't do that. | |
| I can't do that to you. | |
| That doesn't work. 13.37 is the next connection. | |
|
Front Eiffel Tower Fun
00:06:19
|
|
| You have to change trains at Singen and you reach about a quarter to five or you wait for another hour and it's a direct train and the train doesn't arrive at 5.30. | |
| What time do I arrive on your boat? | |
| If you leave now, 16.43. | |
| I'll take the direction. | |
| Thank you very much. | |
| Thank you. Thank you. | |
| So, Andrew and them are driving. | |
| Oh, no, no, no, no, let's make it a video. | |
| Let's just make a video. | |
| So Andrew and Rory are driving. | |
| Now, they're driving. | |
| Now, they're driving. | |
| Wow, they're driving. | |
| We're eating beef macaroni and cheese. | |
| We're in Germany already. | |
| We're not. We're not, but we are. | |
| Switzerland is a bit like Germany. | |
| This is Germany. It's a bit German. | |
| I think this is Germany too. | |
| I think you've lied to me. They accept Swiss francs for some reason. | |
| But Germany is just weird. | |
| They're weird like that. It's Switzerland. | |
| So here we are. | |
| This looks like first class to me. | |
| It has to be first class. So this is it. | |
| All these tickets too. | |
| I'm going to get a coffee. | |
| So, in Romania, they bring a plastic shopping basket filled with warm beer and chips up and down the aisle. | |
| Yes, it is warm, it's true. | |
| So, the Swiss beat the Romanians yet again. | |
| I will have to give this one to the Swiss. | |
| So, Andrew and Rory don't have champagne now, do they? | |
| They're probably stuck on the motorway, I'd imagine, on the way to Germany. | |
| Yeah, and we're going to the same place, and I think we'll get there before them. | |
| And me and you have champagne. | |
| We've been to Paris. Cheers. | |
| I think we're winning this. | |
| I think we are winning. We made it before them, now didn't we? | |
| Yeah, we did. We definitely did. | |
| We won the race. And had more fun. | |
| We won the race while having more fun. | |
| That's true. It's like being, what? | |
| The hare who took a nap and won. | |
| Yeah. Yeah, we took a nap and beat. | |
| Fuck them. So this is Germany. | |
| Oh, Germany's shit. He sneaks wunderbar. | |
| Yeah. Germany? | |
| Yeah, the town is here. | |
| Yeah, gentlemen. So, how was your trip? | |
| How have you been? Bonjour, man. | |
| Bonjour. Ah, big man handsome. | |
| Who do you think had more fun on their journey? | |
| We had more fun. You. | |
| There's not even a competition. | |
| Paris is shit. | |
| We sat on a rainy motorway in the snow. | |
| To be fair, Paris is good. | |
| Paris is good. Yeah, when you're asleep. | |
| No, no, it's actually good, I'm not joking. | |
| It's shit. It was so shit. | |
| Why? It's shit, why? | |
| What'd you do? Bro, if you have any fucking orange in this room... | |
| Paris. Paris is good. What's good about Paris? | |
| Did you two get a photo in front of the Eiffel Tower? | |
| No. Why? | |
| So you went to Paris and you didn't get a photo in front of the Eiffel Tower? | |
| Well, no. I was behind it. | |
| Why the fuck? They didn't get Paris with shit because they went to Paris and didn't get a photo in front of the Eiffel fucking tower! | |
| No way! Paris, listen. | |
| Paris blows. | |
| Paris blows. One second. Paris doesn't blow. | |
| Ah, it's true! | |
| Shit! He's recording, T. There's nothing on me, bro. | |
| There's nothing on me, bro. Recording what? | |
| There's an orange. Anyway, so you went to Paris and you didn't get a photo in front of the Eiffel Tower. | |
| No. What's the point of this conversation? | |
| We had more fun in Zurich than you did in Paris. | |
| Yeah. That's 100% fact. | |
| That's a fact. Zurich was fun. | |
| I agree. Let's show him what we did. Let's show him what we did. | |
| Let's show him what we did. Let's show him. | |
| Ah. Did you show him? | |
| Did we show him? Show us. | |
| So, you went to Paris and didn't take a picture in front of the Eiffel Tower. | |
| No, we didn't. You guys did Paris all wrong. | |
| You did Paris all wrong and you think that we didn't have fun in Zurich. | |
| Why are you trying to make an argument that it doesn't exist? | |
| Sorry, did you get fun in front of the Eiffel Tower? | |
| I have a feeling they've been in front of the Eiffel Tower. | |
| Yes, I am. So we got you. | |
| So we got you. | |
| So we had fought in Paris. | |
| You went to Paris, and I know for a fact Paris is shit. | |
| We had a wonderful time. | |
| We smoked cigarettes in front of the Eiffel Tower in the same cafe that Ernest Hemingway used to get drunk in. | |
| Yeah, but we won. | |
| So we got you. No, no, no. | |
| You think Paris was shit because you didn't go to the actual tower. | |
| No, we drove right past that. | |
| No, but you didn't get out and take a picture. | |
| Of course not, because I've been before and it's shit. | |
| I've seen you. | |
| That's why I didn't get out. So we got you. | |
| Can you admit that we got you? | |
| They did kind of get you. | |
| I admit you absolutely had more fun than me. | |
| But they would get you by going to Paris. | |
| I'm just thinking you're saying it. | |
| You got us. He's obsessed. | |
| We got you. At least you admit it. | |
| We got you. How happy are you? | |
| I'm happy. Yeah, it looks good, man. | |
| I think it looks really good. I want to drive it. | |
| I just spent 30 grand on it. | |
| Extra. Black number plates look good. | |
| Yep. What's that? | |