| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Eggs Aren't Real
00:14:29
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|
| Why did you fucking shoot me? | |
| Look. I had fucking dinner last night. | |
| Fucking breakfast this morning. | |
| Now I really want to have... | |
| I don't know if I like you anymore. | |
| I got you. Alright. | |
| Tristan, what are you buying? Crossbows. | |
| Why are you buying crossbows? To assassinate Marcel. | |
| I bought you a present. Oh, thanks, mate. | |
| Everywhere we go is an Irish pub. | |
| Yeah, I think so, yeah. | |
| Everywhere we go, we go bring that sign. | |
| Exactly. Yeah, because everywhere is an Irish pub. | |
| The hotel lobby, everywhere. | |
| Yeah, exactly. Nice. We'll get some Guinnesses and drink in the Irish pub tonight, yeah? | |
| Good. Why did you fucking shoot me? | |
| Look, I was practicing. | |
| I've got to assassinate Marcel. | |
| I'm sick of him. So you went and bought crossbows and swords? | |
| Yeah. The crossbow to get him, and if he wants to fight afterwards... | |
| Yeah. Wood would hurt. | |
| That would hurt as well. Yeah. | |
| Actually, I could probably kill some of these if I really wanted to. | |
| Up through their head. | |
| Yeah. I think that's the move, isn't it? | |
| We sharpen the wood, and then we stick it straight into Marcel. | |
| yeah i'll use the crossbar on luke uh | |
| so the french are after us again They got us again, Morse. | |
| Round two. Round two, bro. | |
| Round two. | |
| But to be fair, we weren't even speeding. | |
| So, round two. Tristan, what are you doing? | |
| Can't you see what I'm doing? Well, yeah, I can see what you're doing, but that's... | |
| You can't... You can't shoot me now. | |
| You can't sharpen the fucking dagger and shoot it off the crossbow. | |
| There was a cork on it for that reason. | |
| All right, you can't shoot me now. | |
| Now we're talking. Don't say that. | |
| Do you admit it? | |
| Admit... Alright, I admit it. | |
| I admit everything. | |
| Don't shoot me with that. | |
| What's up? Why is that there? | |
| What? That sign. | |
| You coming in? What do you mean coming in? | |
| We're at the bar. He is actually Irish as well. | |
| Yeah, he's Irish. I'm Irish. | |
| You got the swords. | |
| It's not an Irish pub. What do you mean? | |
| I'm not talking to you anymore, Rory. | |
| It is an Irish pub. It's weird. | |
| They think we were speeding. It's weird. | |
| It's super weird. I know. | |
| It's weird. I don't know where they came up with it. | |
| Wait a second. | |
| Andrew might be fucking right. There might be no such thing as fucking eggs. | |
| You tried to order me eggs on the menu and this is common. | |
| And they're trying to pretend this is eggs? | |
| I just don't believe it. It just doesn't make sense. | |
| How can eggs be real? | |
| Eggs ain't real, yeah? Okay. | |
| We need to agree eggs ain't real so I can go. | |
| Eggs aren't real. Okay, well. | |
| Looks like we came to an agreement, my friend. | |
| Thank you very much. One more minute. | |
| We're there. We're done. Bro, he just signed on the dotted line. | |
| Eggs ain't real. Yeah. | |
| Bro. Bro. | |
| You know what? We've been saying eggs for like... | |
| Bro, big egg. | |
| Cat dance. | |
| That doesn't- But you can't do that. | |
| I can't do that. I actually can't. | |
| Ladies and gentlemen, I will admit I cannot do that. | |
| You know who can though? Mr. | |
| Goon? Because Mr. | |
| Mr. Goon never fails. | |
| So Justin's moving to France. | |
| I'm moving to France. I fell in love. | |
| Love. He's moving to France. | |
| Baby! Did you see? | |
| Did you get the picture of us in love? Yeah, I did get the picture. | |
| I think she thought when I went to turn her around for the prom picture that I was going to stick my... | |
| Yeah, yeah. She doesn't realize you're a classy dude. | |
| Get the French and the English more straight away. | |
| So you're moving to France? I'm moving to France. | |
| I'm in love. I love you. | |
| You're staying here. Look, she smiled. | |
| Look how happy we are. It's true. | |
| The happy couple. I'm going to break her heart. | |
| Shit. You're leaving, aren't you? | |
| I am leaving. As soon as this ticket gets paid, get the fuck out of here. | |
| Damn. But in the meantime, my lives will fall in love. | |
| By the way, Justin, did you know that this is because the eggs aren't real? | |
| It's the egg conspiracy. Egg conspiracy. | |
| It's a big egg. It's a big egg. | |
| So you know eggs? Yeah, yeah, eggs. | |
| Yeah, no, no, that's a psyop. | |
| Eggs aren't real. Eggs aren't real, what do you mean? | |
| They're not real, bro. They haven't been real. | |
| You know every time you think you eat eggs. | |
| Yeah, scrambled eggs? No, no, no. | |
| No, no, no. What do you mean? | |
| No, Justin, that's a psyop. | |
| Eggs aren't real. Like the speed limit. | |
| No, eggs aren't real. | |
| The speed limits are real. I feel like there's an inside joke I don't know about. | |
| It's not a joke. Eggs aren't real. | |
| This is an egg conspiracy by Big A to get us to admit that eggs are real. | |
| That's why they pull us over every single year in France. | |
| It's because eggs aren't real. | |
| And you'll learn that it's actually an international organization who's trying to sign up us all to believe eggs are real. | |
| It's like the moon landing, but actually, eggs aren't real. | |
| Okay, I understand. I don't understand why they would do this, but... | |
| It's Big Egg, bro. Big Egg. | |
| Ah, like Big Pharma, Big Egg. | |
| Big Egg, bro. I see. | |
| Way more powerful. Way more powerful. | |
| Bro, think about it. They just organized this whole bit to get us caught. | |
| They're giving us tickets trying to drain our resources so we can't spread the word that eggs aren't real. | |
| Eggs aren't real. What's this egg shit about? | |
| Big egg. He doesn't know about big egg. | |
| I thought I did until about 30 seconds ago. | |
| Eggs ain't real. Eggs ain't real, bro. | |
| This whole time. Eggs ain't real, G. That's what this is all about. | |
| Apparently eggs aren't real. No, that's what this is all about. | |
| So I just told my new wife that we were going to start an egg farm. | |
| Bro, that's what I mean. She's trying to get in deep. | |
| Like, splinter cell. Ah, I see. | |
| So blueberries, right? Basically blueberries. | |
| Blueberries are real. Blueberries are real, but eggs are not real. | |
| Sile. I see. Don't listen to it. | |
| Don't listen to propaganda. Yeah, I'm really sad to hear this. | |
| I can't believe you. | |
| Don't listen to it. | |
| I don't know. | |
| So, Tristan blew a tyre. | |
| Bye! | |
| So him and Rory are out of the race. | |
| And we just passed Andrew and Boris. | |
| They got pulled over for speeding or some shit. | |
| So you know what, Marcel? | |
| I think this means we're in front. | |
| I think it does. After like two days of following the completely wrong route, somehow I have miraculously taken the lead. | |
| It was always meant to be destiny. | |
| Clearly. Destiny calls. | |
| City boys, we are. | |
| Let's go Music playing | |
| So I wonder what Tristan's doing. | |
| You can't just do the dance. | |
| you Tristan's car broke down. Now he's on the bus like a loser. | |
| He probably is on the loser bus. | |
| Look at this beauty. I know. | |
| The universe makes Tristan what he deserves. | |
| Exactly what he deserves. I'm Tristan. | |
| I'm Tristan. We're all on the bus. | |
| Loser bus. Loser bus. | |
| Losers only. We're living the dream. | |
| We are living the dream. Ketter Run's awesome. | |
| Kind of run this off. | |
| The Matrix is trying to convince me that eggs are real. | |
| I hope we end up in this situation myself. | |
| Oh Basically, we was winning. They called the police on us because they needed to catch up. | |
| Trying to hold us down. | |
| Look, and that's why Andrew got pulled over too. | |
| Just trying to catch us. We've been miles, miles ahead of him. | |
| All week. All week long. | |
| Now look. And now look what happened to him. | |
| This is what he got himself into. | |
| Stash cops being right pricks. | |
| Cheeky fuckers So, um, anything? | |
| I feel like my life is just one never-ending interaction with different police officers. | |
| You know? It is, isn't it? | |
| Well, Mr. Tate, duh, duh, duh. | |
| Fuck off. You're Spanish. | |
| I'll give you a fine. | |
| Fine. Bro, think I ain't got money? | |
| Give me the fine. I don't care. | |
| If I cared about the fine, I wouldn't be driving like that, would I? You dickhead. | |
| Fucking hell. What's wrong with these people? | |
| Imagine sitting there as a full-grown man and spending an hour writing out a piece of paper to try and make a millionaire pay 200 euros. | |
| Do you have no honor? If I was him, I'd be like, you're too rich to even try to find. | |
| Slow down. It would be nice. | |
| Yeah. Please slow down. | |
| Slow down, please. And I'd be like, you know what? | |
| You're actually a nice guy. I'll slow down. | |
| I would give you fighting and you will pay the price. | |
| All right, G. Here's a 200-year-old. | |
| Fuck off. | |
| They don't realize, do they? John Law and the government, that little gang, I don't fear them. | |
| The Lord High Job protects me. | |
| I do whatever the fuck I want. | |
| Every year, every fucking year. | |
| That's the one I'm working on. | |
| I'm gonna get it done. | |
| Look at the glass. | |
| Scorched. Fuck. | |
| I literally dropped the gear. | |
| Big boom. Flame came out of here next to my head. | |
| Another flame came out of here. | |
| Smoke everywhere. Got out. | |
| There was a stream next to us. | |
| We literally was chucking stream water on the car. | |
| Nothing else to do. | |
| Got the fire out. | |
| And then I stripped it and fixed it and got it back on the road. | |
| Wait, so it drives again? Yeah, it's back on the road, but I drove in. | |
| I was stuck in the mountains for two and a half hours. | |
| I rang Tom, and I was like, Tom. | |
| He's a legend! He blew up, got stream water, took the fire out, put it back together, back on the road. | |
| Look, this side window's scorched. | |
| Look, I've cleaned most of it off, but the flame came out of there. | |
| Alright, the fact he got back in and drove it means he is a legend. | |
|
Stuck by the Side
00:02:06
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|
| Bro, I rang Tom. He's three hours away. | |
| He's got Tristan's Bentley on the back. | |
| What am I supposed to do? I've got no truck for me. | |
| I had to fix it. | |
| Yeah. Otherwise, you'd have stuck by the side of the road. | |
| You'd have been super fucked, yeah. Mate, my highest went up in flames three days ago at home. | |
| The whole fucking lot went. | |
| And then I'm seeing flames right at the back of my vent door and I'm like, this can't be happening. | |
| Are you fucking having a laugh? | |
| Bro, your twin turbo Aventador project has been nothing but a fucking... | |
| No, she's good. You can't say she's good. | |
| And it spanked everybody on the trip so far. | |
| There's no one that's going to touch that car at all, even with the problems it's got. | |
| So yeah, that's the fastest until it blows up. | |
| I sat in front of her on the floor, on the road, genuinely, and I went, listen, you'll be fucking a place of an SV, I'm telling you. | |
| Like, you'll be gone, and you'll end up in Bradford or somewhere, and you'll be crying. | |
| She knows now. | |
| No one... | |
| ...can stop me. | |
| I'm not alone. | |
| I the same way the brain and stay in the future for being tempted to be replaced on the rate of play So come for a make it rain turn up stay there | |
| Both I'm so indecisive I'm going on crazy, but I think I like it more time. I lose my head for the latest. Just go to our surviving They've got time for a side shit. No way. That's my ride in my I | |
| Don't know now Someone's getting fucked. | |
|
Not Being Poor
00:01:54
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|
| I guess. | |
| Let's go see. | |
| They came in hot, bro. | |
| Yeah, they weren't fucking around. | |
| Why are we always getting in trouble? | |
| Racism against Americans. | |
| Give me something. What is it? | |
| Meat sticks. Meat sticks. | |
| need like those. | |
| Oh well. | |
| So what we doing? | |
| First of all we're not being poor. | |
| We're not being poor, are we? | |
| We're drinking. | |
| You can't drink and drive, can you? | |
| No, you can't drink and drive. | |
| No, you can't drink and drive. | |
| You can't drink when you drive. That's illegal. | |
| When you hire a luxury V class transport because you're not poor. | |
| We play PlayStation all day, then boo. | |
| Drink as much as you like. Yep. | |
| Get a pork rime, please. We need to look. | |
| Oh, because we went grocery shopping. | |
| Do you even have room in a Porsche to get groceries? | |
| I'm pretty sure the Lamborghinis don't even have cup holes. | |
| Oh, I have four. | |
| How are they surviving? | |
| Super car. I'm going to start a charity. | |
| That hires out luxury V-classes for free for impoverished supercar owners. | |
| Wow. That's a good business. | |
| It's a charity. It's a charity. | |
| Fuck it, huh? Let's get loads of them. | |
| Yeah, we'll have to take big salaries. | |
| For all the poor Lamborghini owners in the world. | |