| Time | Text |
|---|---|
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Cheetos Noodles Controversy
00:06:14
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| Andrew has just sealed the business deal of the century. | |
| Good showman retain! | |
| Good showman retain! | |
| Take off with a big bang. | |
| Good showman retain! | |
| Fresh camel burger. | |
| One. Give me a camel burger. | |
| And give me these Cheetos noodles. | |
| We don't need those Cheetos noodles. | |
| We don't need those Cheetos noodles. | |
| Yeah, Cheetos noodles and a camel burger. | |
| You definitely need the camel. That's the camel burger. | |
| It's not the Cheetos noodles. It's the Cheetos noodles. | |
| I really think that's Cheetos and Robert. | |
| It's crushed Flamin' Hot Cheetos. | |
| It's Cheetos time. That's not, that's not? | |
| What color did you come here in? Oh yeah, let me get you in this photo. | |
| Yeah. Cheetos noodles, fresh camel burger, dinner menu, mutton biryani, and one of them. | |
| Everything. And water. | |
| Four waters, please. | |
| My cousin will pay. He's rich. | |
| Thanks. Yeah, that's it. | |
| Just destroyed a distinctly average chicken burger. | |
| Yep. Now we are here for our camel burger. | |
| It's gonna be amazing, isn't it? | |
| It does smell different to beef. | |
| I was worried it might just be beef and they lied to me. | |
| Yeah. But it does actually smell a bit camel-y. | |
| Yeah. I'm not sure that's a good thing or a bad thing. | |
| This is water for you to drink. And you, why? | |
| I don't drink any water anymore. | |
| Wait, what do you mean? I don't need it. | |
| That doesn't mean anything. I don't need water anymore. | |
| Okay, so, is camel the best meat of the world? | |
| Should we go to a camera only diet? | |
| Problem we have is the chicken burger we just ate was of exceptionally low quality. | |
| Yep. So I don't know if this is low quality camel or high quality camel. | |
| So it's very hard to judge camel as a whole. | |
| It is. Although after this one bite, I no longer need water. | |
| I don't need water ever again. | |
| I'll never drink again. That's not true. | |
| You're going to have to drink water at some point. | |
| I would describe it as bland, tasteless, Horrible. | |
| Give me some. Just meatless meat. | |
| It's almost like a vegan burger would taste. | |
| There's not even a taste, really. | |
| Not really a taste. I can just taste bread. | |
| But maybe it's low quality Camel. | |
| Maybe Camel's supposed to be better than that. | |
| Maybe go to a random gas station with no Wi-Fi in the middle of the desert. | |
| It's not the best place to try new foods. | |
| What do you think? Do you taste anything? | |
| I can't taste anything. But also, I don't think it's because of the place that we're at. | |
| I'm just gonna judge all Camels now. | |
| Camel's horrible. Yeah. | |
| Yeah, very bland. Has no taste while also tasting bad at the same time. | |
| Yeah, very interesting. No taste, but... | |
| Bad. But it's not good. | |
| Yeah, very interesting. | |
| Less than neutral. We'll try the next ones. | |
| The next cuisine. That does five star. | |
| I guarantee you, as much as you've tried to protest, the best food we eat today was the Cheetos. | |
| No, no, no. Cheetos. The Cheeto ramen. | |
| Yeah, you're going to look at the Cheetos and go, oh, you don't need that. | |
| It's just Cheetos. And you're going to start going, that's fucking the best. | |
| So I was right. Use a camel burger and fail. | |
| For some reason, I thought the meat would give us power, but I don't think there's any power in this meat. | |
| I do admit, since I've eaten it, I've never drunk a single thing. | |
| Since I've eaten camel, I've never, ever had a sip of water, ever, in my entire life. | |
| That is true. Do you admit that? | |
| That's true, but you're going to drink water eventually. | |
| Never again. I don't even know. | |
| You will. Thank you. | |
| And you have forks. | |
| You have one fork. Can we have another fork? | |
| Yes, please. Okay, so no Cheeto things yet. | |
| Must be the hardest for them to cook because it's so cuisine. | |
| It's a delicate cuisine. | |
| Yep, the most delicate. Okay, so the Cheeto ramen noodles have arrived, and they looked much better in the pictures. | |
| Listen, mate. Thank you. | |
| Can you mess up and drop me water? | |
| You still haven't drank any water. | |
| That's true. I'm a witness. | |
| He did not drink any water. | |
| Also, all this stuff is very, very low. | |
| 2 out of 10, something like that. | |
| 2, 3 out of 10. Yeah, it's weird. | |
| It doesn't necessarily taste bad. | |
| You can just taste that it's extremely low quality. | |
| Yeah. For some reason, I genuinely thought this was a hidden gem deep in the desert. | |
| I didn't think people would get low quality rice. | |
| No, me neither. Somehow they didn't. | |
| Somehow you can get cheap shit rice. | |
| Right. Cheetos and ramen. | |
| Now, I know you accused this. | |
| Put some hot sauce in there. | |
| I know you accused this of just being ramen noodles with crushed up Cheetos. | |
| But on closer inspection, we can see that it's clearly not the case. | |
| No, that is the case. | |
| Clearly not the case. | |
| Everything we've had so far has been horrible. | |
| I'm going to try this. I don't even think these are just ramen noodles. | |
| They're somehow low-quality ramen. | |
| If the rest of the food was a 2 out of 10, I'd give this a two and a half maybe. | |
| I agree. I've just had some. | |
| This is absolutely the best thing on the menu. | |
| So, when you said we didn't eat it, we should eat camel. | |
| No, this is actually all that we can eat. | |
| You admit that this is the best thing. | |
| Everything else we barely eat. | |
| Yeah. Whereas this is actually, although it may be terrible for us, tastes kind of a three, maybe a four. | |
| Literally. I thought the, whatever it's called... | |
| Biryani. Biryani would save us. | |
| I was wrong. I was very wrong. | |
|
Biryani Would Save Us
00:03:21
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| When in doubt, trust Jesus, my friend. | |
| Play your American. I should have known. | |
| The American way. The American way. | |
| Chillin' in Dubai. This is what happens when you're outside the Matrix. | |
| You're geographically free. | |
| Anyone who's watched the Matrix carefully understands that the people inside the Matrix realize that something isn't right, so they escape the Matrix. | |
| Once they've escaped the Matrix, they realize how the Matrix works, and they plug back into the Matrix with new powers. | |
| And then they hack the Matrix, and then they escape again. | |
| That's what I do. I hope you're paying attention to me. | |
| I hope you can hear me over my W16 quad-turbo 8-liter Bugatti. | |
| Wait, what color? | |
| I hope it's not too loud for you when it's idling here in the middle of the night in Dubai. | |
| You're sitting there going to work for bills to pay. | |
| None of those things are real. | |
| There is no spoof. | |
| Money's not real. The numbers on the screen. | |
| They're about to pass another 1.5 trillion for government spending. | |
| What are they going to spend it on? Nobody knows. | |
| Let's go into somebody. | |
| You think I'm rich because I have a 5.5 million dollar car? | |
| That's nothing! | |
| Jump change! | |
| I consider myself poor. | |
| You're sitting here with a NIST, Annika. | |
| You're sitting here pretty well off. | |
| I'm doing okay, actually. | |
| I put some money in my 401. | |
| Money's not real. You still believe in the spoon. | |
| I don't believe in the spoon. | |
| That's how I bend things. | |
| You understand? I'm the little monk kid that bends the spoon. | |
| I'm the man who walks in Jacob& Co. | |
| and says, how much is the watch that's going to match my Bugatti? | |
| And he says $455,000. | |
| And I think, that's a bargain! | |
| Can I see the Bugatti shirt or what? | |
| It has built-in 16-piston Bugatti Chiron engine. | |
| If you get the Bugatti and then if you don't have a Bugatti watch... | |
| Then you say it's not even having the Bugatti. | |
| Like, why even have it? 450,000 US. Pardon. | |
| I'm the man who just contacted the Burj Khalifa trying to put his name all over it. | |
| That's me. I'm that guy. | |
| I tell you these things. | |
| I waste my time like the fucking philanthropic, nice, beautiful, gorgeous, handsome man I am. | |
| Explaining I came from nothing. | |
| I hacked the matrix. | |
| I escaped and I'm back to free your minds. | |
| Like Morpheus. I'm making the call. | |
| I'm trying to give you the red pill. | |
| And even though I have $5.5 million card, $20 Six more cars at home, and millions and millions of dollars, and all this monumental success, people still sit there and go, hmm, I don't know if I can trust you. | |
| If you can't trust me, who can you trust? | |
| Your university professor? | |
| He's an agent. He's a slave to the machine. | |
| You must wake up and you're only gonna escape with my help You You you | |
|
Nine Pounds Sent
00:07:34
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| Emergency meeting. | |
| Andrew has just sealed the business deal of the system. | |
| Alright, what's the business deal? Am I correct? | |
| It's the first emergency meeting we've had in the new house. | |
| And by coincidence, I've also pulled off something monumental. | |
| Monumental. Very currently, Luke thinks he knows about business. | |
| I've got my sales team. | |
| I sit here and do my work. | |
| Andrew has a bank transfer. | |
| On its way to his bank from Bugatti Motors Limited. | |
| A bank transfer from Bugatti. | |
| Have you ever pulled up anything like that? | |
| It's a hell of a business deal. | |
| We are in the money. | |
| What's the business deal? Bugatti are sending me money. | |
| For what? Do you understand that that makes me the greatest businessman of all time? | |
| But for what? Because I overpaid by nine pounds and they said they have to give it back to me. | |
| And I said I don't want it and they said no, we have to give it back to you for a pound. | |
| So they're sending nine pounds. | |
| So we're rich! So we don't ignore you. | |
| We don't do it. Bugatti is sending us money now. | |
| You even said you didn't want it. | |
| Listen. No, that's called a takeaway. | |
| That's business. It's a sales technique. | |
| Don't you know what you think about business, Luke? | |
| No, no, I don't want to almost send it to you. | |
| Woo! Bugatti is sending us nine pounds. | |
| In the money. We are rich now, basically for it. | |
| If I need more money, I'll just buy one of the Bugatti and get another nine pounds. | |
| Well, how will we get the money to buy the Bugatti? | |
| Luke, you must understand this. | |
| From the nine pounds that build up from the various Bugatti transfers. | |
| We're already nine pounds on our way there. | |
| What I'll do is I'll refinance the current Bugatti to buy Bugatti and get another nine pounds. | |
| And then I'll just build a pyramid. | |
| Yeah, two millions. To the point where the nine pounds add up to the point where I'm rich enough to pay off the Bugatti's. | |
| You don't know math. Didn't you study math? | |
| If it goes on forever, what's nine times infinity? | |
| There we go. Infinite money. | |
| There's going to be a limited number of baguettes. | |
| Now we have nine pounds on the way. | |
| We need to stop all work completely. | |
| It's over. We need to go out and spend as much money as possible because we are rich drivers. | |
| Baguette now sent us money. | |
| Say pay us. Say pay us. | |
| We're sponsored by Baguette. | |
| Have Baguette ever given you any money? | |
| No. Exactly. No, I've gotten nine pounds before. | |
| Chipotle's given me nine pounds before. | |
| Oh yeah, you're lying. They gave you dollars. | |
| Okay, then you don't like this. | |
| Have you ever got mine pants from a multi-fucking national company? | |
| Have you ever got mine pants from one of the most prestigious car businesses, the car companies in the world? | |
| No. The most prestigious brands in the world, have they ever sent you money? | |
| Any of them. Versace, Gucci, fuck, anybody. | |
| Sunseeker, Galaxy, Lambo. | |
| Anybody ever sent you money? No. | |
| No, because you're a fucking loser. | |
| Business is over. We're closing everything. | |
| It's done. We're close to you. | |
| Close it all. | |
| 34 years apart from it. | |
| We're finally made it, we made it, finally. We're gonna be done, we're going out, let's move. Woo! | |
| We just left, there was 10 supercars. | |
| Some fucking chick. | |
| Some chicken. Andrew, you live in a poor country. | |
| You will not see as many supercars in a row in fucking London, New York, nowhere. | |
| You walk around Bucharest, it's just Lambos, Ferraris. | |
| Lambos are gross. Mafia money. | |
| And they're like, oh, the country says it's poor. | |
| That's all in the books. They don't understand how we work out here. | |
| Taxes? Facts! | |
| You can't catch! You don't understand how it works. | |
| It's the richest country in the world. | |
| Why me? | |
| Guys I managed to go shave something even better Again. Again, because Luke's fucked up business, obviously. | |
| Even better than Bagatti sending us money. | |
| I bought a shoe rack and they sent us a free sensor soap dispenser. | |
| Free. So wait, now we can wash our hands without touching the soap dispenser. | |
| Without the soap dispenser and it cost us zero money. | |
| Zero money. So if you kept negotiating this business here, how much do you think these are worth? | |
| 20, 30 bucks? Yeah. And we can sell them. | |
| We have unlimited free money. | |
| Unlimited free money. Forever. Unlimited free soft. | |
| If you continue to negotiate yourself. | |
| Correct. This is stupid. | |
| What the fuck have you done lately? I'm a fucking genius. | |
| What have you done for the business life? I'm a fucking genius. | |
| The guys send us money. | |
| Free soft dispensers. | |
| What the fuck have you done lately? | |
| Well, with your pathetic fucking life. | |
| Nothing. That's worth money. | |
| Alright, so let's order infinite of those. | |
| Hear me out. Sell them for $1 each. | |
| Nice and cheap. That's not how it works. | |
| Isn't it? No. | |
| How much did this cost? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. | |
| What? The free box was a soap dispenser, but there's no soap dispenser in the free box. | |
| They've given me this. | |
| What is it? Wait, so it's not a free soap dispenser. | |
| Grab a blade. Nice. | |
| From the magnet on the table. | |
| Oh yeah, you think we're just sitting on the warm table if we can't grab blades and gums at random? | |
| It's actually free vitamin C facial cream. | |
| Right, that's got to be worth at least three to four dollars. | |
| Wait, so who gave you this? Why? | |
| Listen, I bought a shoe rack, and they gave me a free soap dispenser, but they put it as a soap dispenser really to fool you, Luke, because I always knew all along there was free facial cream, which is what I really wanted. | |
| This is a high demand. I want to start a cosmetic company. | |
| This is high demand stuff. High demand stuff. | |
| So now we're going to be richer than we've ever been. | |
| If we have infinite bottles of this, we can sell it. | |
| For an amount like one cent. | |
| No, but you had to buy a shoe rack. | |
| Luke, what is one cent times a hundred billion? | |
| That's right. I don't know. | |
| A billion. A billion. | |
| By a hundred. Doesn't mean no math. | |
| Listen. So I'm a millionaire. | |
| Luke. One cent. | |
| Can you admit the guy you sent us money because of me? | |
| They did. Can you admit free facial cream because of me? | |
| But it's not free. You had to buy something. | |
| I admit that this is facial cream which is free which was sent to me for free. | |
| Okay. So you confess. | |
| So you confess. So we've got money from spaghetti plus a billion dollar business. | |
| So I have just given you a business acumen masterclass. | |
| Do you agree? What have you done, Mike? | |
| Working. Fucking. | |
| Working. Fucking. | |
| Worm. Worm. | |
| I'm ready. | |