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July 26, 2022 - Tate Speech - Andrew Tate
53:38
HOW A MILLIONAIRE SPENDS CHRISTMAS | Tate Confidential Ep. 129
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Time Text
Merry Christmas! Tristan, you may have got you a dildo.
You finally get it.
You can't be angry on Christmas.
I'm angry.
Good showmen retain!
Good showmen retain!
They confidently cry.
Good showmen retain!
What do we do?
I want you to admit it.
Admit what? It.
What's it? What's this?
Aikido. What's this?
A little song you've been developing. What's this?
Yoga fire. Great.
Why are we losing Why are we losing our minds?
We are losing our minds Why are we losing our minds?
so um
where are we we're at the bar What does it say? I know it says the bar.
It's really called the bar. So you met it?
Yeah. We're at the bar.
Yeah, it is the bar. This is $100.
How good is it? It looks like rice.
It's bird's nest soup.
I don't know what that means. It's clearly not a bunch of twigs, so I really don't think it's a bird's nest.
I'd like to read up what it actually is.
Is it rice? Or is it cabbage?
Is it good? Grits?
Is it 100 pound grits?
You know, it tastes pretty good. Is it 100 pound grits?
It tastes kind of like regular chicken soup with a different texture.
But it's definitely okay.
You think it's shredded chicken?
No. It's like a bird's nest looking stuff, but what actually is it?
Is it a type of special noodle? What exactly is it?
Look it up. It's called a rip-off.
Nice. Nice. Good rip-off.
It looks like rice. Now I eat only this.
Alright, Tristan, I'll make it for you.
100 pounds each time, yeah? I can do this.
You're not a Chinese chef. But I could do this.
Here, try some. So that's what it is.
They've got the focus and stuff.
Try some. I'm Googling it, but then I just realized I'm using my phone and so are you.
Is it loads of eggs? No.
Yeah, it's loads of eggs. It's loads of eggs.
You can tell. I really think it's loads of eggs.
It's loads of eggs or some sort of...
No, it's an edible bird's nest called the Caviar of the East.
It's very valuable. The main ingredient is the nest of the Swiftale bird, which is found in Southwest Asia.
It's an edible bird's nest because they make their nests out of edible plants.
So a bird ate a bunch of plants and then threw it up.
And here we are. Well here's this.
So we're in a Chinese restaurant so I decided to get a sake.
Traditional Chinese drink.
It's Japanese. Okay.
There's only four anyway. Is it good?
There's ticket sales.
Yeah.
All right, good.
Merry Christmas.
I thought I'd make a quick Christmas message to wish all of you people out there Merry Christmas, because they say, goodwill to all men, and it's that time of year we need to be grateful.
Too many people have the wrong idea about me.
I'm such a nice guy.
I know you look at me and you think four-time kickboxing world champion Strong, smart, tall.
Could definitely steal my girl.
Has every worldly good a man could possibly desire.
Unlimited females to birth his sons.
Surely he's arrogant.
No, not me. I'm as humble as they come.
So I decided to make a nice Christmas message for you all.
And we can reflect on this interesting year we've had.
Certainly been interesting. The times we live in.
Unprecedented. So that's what this message is about.
So if you haven't got a cup of tea, I'd recommend you get one.
Take a seat for Andrew Tate's Christmas message.
♪♪ Sorry. Sorry about that.
Obviously, I'm trying to film my Christmas message, and they sent a very polite man to tell me that although I spent $10,000 on this hotel suite over Christmas, along with all the rich Qataris and everyone else who has the great idea of staying in such a beautiful hotel in London, that I'm not allowed to smoke!
I said, for $10,000 a night, my friend, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want.
So I apologize for the interruption.
Anyway, where was I with my Christmas message?
The message for next year is to never give up.
I think so many of you out there, you're existing in your peasant life.
You wake up when the alarm goes off.
You go to your job.
Sorry. Okay, you go to your job.
It's crazy. You get paid your wages.
And you're like, how did Tate get all that money?
That guy has a hundred million dollars.
And here I am, slaving away.
And maybe at the end of the month, I might get five or 6,000 and I can pay my 401k.
I know it's easy. To look at me and realize that I'm a better specimen of man.
In fact, not only am I a better specimen of man, I am actually fulfilled with divine purpose.
I'm one of God's favorites.
Imagine you're God. You're building people all day.
You're going to end up going, you know what?
Let me make a really cool one.
I mean, you make the peons and the peasants, and then you're like, you know, let me just make a real badass just to see what happens.
I'm God's favorite. So I know you're looking at me thinking, I'm working my job and my life's shit.
And I'm never going to be able to buy Bugatti Chirons on my debit card or stay in hotels for $10,000 a night and tell the concierge to get fucked and smoke anyway before all my women come around for my Christmas gangbang.
I know. But I don't want you to ever give up.
Because that's what this Christmas message is about.
I don't want you to ever give up. Just because you're going to die and nobody's going to give a shit.
Doesn't mean you shouldn't try your very best when you're here on Earth.
I mean, it's Christmas Day today.
You're about to have Christmas dinner with a bunch of other insignificant losers.
Think about it. Your dad's a fucking bitch.
Your mom's stupid. Your sister, brother, whoever.
Losers. Aunt. Aunt.
Your aunt. That favorite aunt.
Dumb as fuck. I mean, they might be successful to you.
She has a BMW. They're not actually successful.
They don't actually put ripples into space-time.
If they die, Nobody would care.
And when you die, nobody's gonna care.
And you're gonna raise very average children, because you're a very average person, and it's just like a continuum of meteorocracy.
A continuum of insignificance.
You're all gonna die eventually, and nobody's ever gonna care.
I mean, the other peons who know the peons, someone might write a Facebook post, but no one, the world doesn't give a shit.
So I know that upsets you a little bit, and if it doesn't, you fucking should.
And you're thinking, but I want to make a ripple in space-time.
I want to be like Tate.
I want to be cool. And you're thinking, but I can't.
I just don't have the genetic gifts.
I don't want you to ever give up.
I want you to believe in yourself.
If you try really, really hard, and you work, and you save all your money...
Okay, no, still ain't your work.
Alright, let me change it. If you go to the gym every single day, and you train as hard as you can, and you eat right, and you stick to a diet, while all I do is booze and smoke, no, I'll still be stronger.
That ain't gonna work either. In fact, it's actually quite interesting.
What I would like you to do, my Christmas present to you all, is some self-awareness.
If you watch this video, I'd actually like you to genuinely undertake the following exercise.
I'd like you to go into the bathroom, strip down to your underwear, And look in the mirror what an average piece of shit you are.
You're such an average piece of shit that you don't even have to self-control to be selective about what food goes in and out of your own fucking mouth and to lift some weights up and down for 20 minutes a day so you don't look like complete trash.
You can't even do that!
You look like shit!
It's the easiest thing in the world to change.
It's a biological certainty that if you stop eating like a gluttonous moron, And go do bare minimum exercise, you're going to be in the top 5 percentile of body shapes on the planet.
And you haven't even managed to do that.
You're a fuck-up. What kind of fucking human existence is that?
They talk about average.
Hey, I'm just your normal guy.
The normal guy's a fucking loser.
The average guy's a fucking loser.
If the average guy and me want the same pussy, guess who's getting it?
And that girl, when I get it, she will share me with other women.
She will never complain at me.
And she'll do anything I say.
When the average guy gets it, he has to give up his whole life to keep her.
He has to marry her!
Love you. Nothing gay to get married to a chick.
I want you people to understand something.
For this last year, and I know it doesn't seem very long ago that it was New Year's, right?
For this last year, you've had all these big hopes and dreams and aspirations.
And you've achieved precisely fucking none of them.
You've made a little bit of money.
You paid your rent. You bought some food.
With your spare money, you bought a bit of Bitcoin.
And watched the Bitcoin price, praying for it to go to...
I don't know what you guys even need it to go to to be rich.
You don't even have a Bitcoin. So we need to go to fucking 100 million for your fraction to be worth something.
Losers! And you've achieved nothing.
You know that the world's getting locked down.
You know that global enslavement's coming.
You've not even managed to get a second passport.
You haven't joined the war room and got a second passport.
You haven't had endless women birth your sons.
You have progeny. You haven't built a bloodline.
You've done nothing. You call your year successful because you've managed to eat and pay your rent the whole way through.
Congratulations. And on top of all of it, something which is effectively free to do that we just discussed, like go to the gym a little bit and not look like fucking human garbage, You've once again failed at it.
But I don't want you to ever give up.
I want you to truly, truly believe in yourself.
And I hope that next year things are different.
I hope next year that your brutally mundane existence is blessed with blossoms of excitement.
I hope you get to live with some adrenaline.
I hope you get to be spontaneous. I hope beautiful women actually want to talk to you.
Hope you tell your boss to get fucked.
Hope you get to live the life I get to live every single day for even a week of the 52.
Just one week to see how gorgeous life is from outside the matrix.
I really hope you get to do that.
The odds are you won't, of course.
Everyone around you is slave-minded.
So, of course, you're a part of your environment.
Think about the people you're having Christmas dinner with.
Do you want to be any of them?
Fuck no! You don't want to be any of them people.
They're all fucking losers.
You know, Earlier today, this is a completely true story.
I was having lunch.
Minding my own business.
Having lunch by myself.
Eating roast turkey. And some guy, a little bit drunk, but polite.
Hey man, I've seen you on YouTube.
He's like, hey, you made that video calling out Jake Paul.
He had the fur coat on. He's like, yeah, hi.
Hey, hey, this guy's from YouTube.
Points at his friends. Hey man, hey, they're all a bit drunk.
I'm like, hey guys. Hey, come have a drink, come have a drink.
I was like, I didn't really want to, but it's Christmas.
I'm humble. Sure, I'll come have a drink.
So I'm sitting there with six dudes, all 30-something guys, right?
Turns out...
Turns out they all work together.
He's a middle manager of some finance firm, some other guys an intern at some finance firm, etc.
What do you do, mate?
And you know what's actually when you know you're brilliant?
You know you're brilliant when you don't want to tell the truth about yourself.
Because you know it's going to be awkward when everybody pales in insignificance.
Like, I'm trying to be polite now.
So I don't want to come to the table and everyone hate me.
I don't want to spread any negativity.
But if I tell the truth about myself without bragging, everyone's going to be miserable.
I'm a kickboxer. Well, you're a kickboxer, right?
I used to do a bit of kickboxing, yeah.
Yeah. Oh really?
You're a kickboxer? So that's your job?
Yeah, I'm a kickboxer.
Oh really? Also, you're good then?
Oh, I was okay. Oh yeah, no, this guy is world champion!
You're a world champion kickboxer! And what happened across the next five minutes of conversation is...
Every time they talked about women or cars or where they've been or what they do or their job or who they are or their accolades or anything, I destroyed them.
I didn't even mean to. I was just existing.
Oops, I'm a kickboxer.
Yeah, I'm a multimillionaire.
Yes, I'm staying in the best hotel. Yes, the fucking Lambo outside is mine.
Yes, I'm sorry. I'm fucking sorry, okay?
But it's not my fault.
They're just so fucking lame.
I can't even sit around normal dudes and tell the truth without just people ending up going quiet.
They stopped talking.
They stopped telling their stories.
They stopped interacting with each other.
Because before me, it was all, hey, you know what, next year I might buy that BMW. But when I'm at the table, you can't say that anymore.
You can't say it. Because you're a fucking loser.
Because you are a loser. That's how the world works.
It's all about comparison. So you're sitting around the Christmas table.
You're sitting with your family saying, Hey, you know what?
This has been a really good year for me.
I've managed to pay my rent and I've eaten food and I've managed to save up and I've bought 0.2 Bitcoin.
And next year, I really hope I get a 10% raise at work.
And you know what your family's going to say?
But you know what I would say? I'd say you're a fuck-up.
I'd say you've wasted an entire fucking year and done nothing of significance.
I'd say the things you've done last year pale in comparison to the things I've done last year, and the things that you will do next year pale in comparison to the things I will do.
It is a spiral, a death spiral, in which you will perpetually fail in comparison to Andrew Tate for the rest of your fucking human years.
And when you die, if by some freak accident our graves end up next to each other, everyone's gonna read my headstone and ignore yours.
Because you're fucking average.
And there is nothing worse on this planet than Mr.
Fucking Average. Nothing about you.
From the way you look, to the things you say, to the people you associate with, absolutely nothing about you is exceptional.
You are brutally mundane.
Your last year, if I was forced to endure it, would be a level of depression in which I have never experienced.
Your last year, the happiest day of your life, was worse than the average Tuesday of my existence.
Your last year was shit.
Your upcoming year is going to be shit.
You look like shit.
You think like shit.
Everything about you is shit.
And unless you do some kind of massive dramatic overhaul of your entire existence, you are going to die as the piece of shit you are.
If by some freak accident, and I pray to God this doesn't happen because it would be, it would stain me even in death.
If by some freak accident, your tombstone and my tombstone end up next to each other, everybody's gonna read mine and ignore yours.
You're insignificant, like all the other billions of people in history who are insignificant, who died and nobody gave a fuck.
We still talk about the kings of old.
Don't worry, they'll talk about me when I'm gone, and my son will continue bringing honor to the bloodline.
The name Tate is here to stay, but you?
You don't mean a fucking thing.
And your children don't mean a fucking thing.
And your shit family don't mean a fucking thing.
All of you are insignificant.
You're the peons and the peasants which have been dying since the dawn of human time and nobody gave a fuck.
Merry Christmas. Hold on tight.
We're about to get rid of it right here at Hustlers University.
We're going to do it.
dressed up.
Okay, Aikido. Do you feel it in the air?
No, I don't feel anything in the air.
Yeah, you can feel it. Hang on. No, there's nothing in the air.
It's opposite day. Can you feel it in the air?
Negative. No, it's opposite day.
Negative means positive. That means yes.
Okay. Okay, I feel it in the air.
What am I supposed to feel in this air?
What's the chance?
Do you admit that when we gamble in the casino, the odds are in our favor?
No. Luke, I'm about to show you something.
We're going casino. What do you mean?
It's not how it works. A little bit Christmas Casino if you spin to the wheel.
It's not what you're supposed to do on Christmas.
We're about to be richer than we've ever been.
We're not. We are.
We're not. You can't spell rich without C. C doesn't stand for casino.
You can't say C stands for casino.
Don't you feel it in the air? It's cold.
It's just cold. No, the sides are cold.
Don't you feel it? No, I don't feel anything.
I've set myself a budget.
50 grand. Don't lose 50 grand on Christmas.
I have no intention of losing.
What do you mean? No, no one ever goes to the casino with the intentions of losing.
No, it's different than me. I've got no strategy.
No, but there's no strategy.
Everyone who's ever gambled ever has thought this exact same thing.
So you're not going to win. You're not going to win.
None of this is...
Everyone does this. Every casino goer.
They don't go to win. They don't go to lose.
They go to win. And then they think they have a strategy that's going to guarantee victory.
No, the difference is they don't go to lose or win.
I go to play.
I'm one with the...
Universe. That doesn't mean anything.
I go to play.
There's nothing in the air. For those that take confidential, there's nothing in the air.
Literally, if you feel it, it's just another cold day.
What does this mean? Money.
Let me ask you a question. Luke, if you were blind, and you had to tell someone you were hungry, what would you do?
That's what I do. Do you know what I'd do if I was blind and I'd tell someone I was hungry?
I'd say hey, I'm hungry I Have a hot dog Got it got it I love you.
I got super caught!
I'm in it!
We're gonna lose it all.
There's no Aikido that will save us.
So we left. They wouldn't give me my money.
They wouldn't give me as much money as I wanted, so they only gave me a little bit of money saying that my bank card is foreign or some shit.
So what I did is, in true Tate styles, I took a little bit of money, turned it into more money.
So can you admit that I turned 200 pounds into 4,000 pounds in front of your face, and you told me I was gonna lose because you are a fucking lying, stupid piece of shit that nobody even likes.
You shouldn't even be part of Tate Confidential because everybody constantly begs for you to be fired as a cameraman and an associate of me.
Literally nobody likes you.
You have no fans. You've got no French!
Do you admit that? I don't care.
Do you admit that? You said we were going to lose.
Did we lose? No, we didn't lose.
So are you a liar? Okay, I might be a liar.
So you admit you're a liar. Do liars get to inherit the kingdom of heaven?
Have you read the Bible? Liars don't go to heaven.
I'm not talking to you. Liars never go to heaven.
So I guess I'll see you in hell.
This pool's warm.
Like, actually. So you admit being rich is cool?
Yeah, this is very cool. So you admit that the reason we can do this is because I went to the casino yesterday.
No, it's not because the casino. That is why.
No. How else do we get rich, Luke?
It's not from the casino. I think it might be.
Luke, can you admit that I saved us from a life of poverty?
Yes, but not through the casino.
Before the casino. No, but that wasn't the casino.
4,000 pounds is going to save us.
No, it's not.
Yes, you did.
Yeah, but it costs more than you won at the casino.
This whole time we thought we had a business and secretly I've been going to the casino.
No you haven't. Yes, I have.
That's not true. This isn't real.
I want you to admit I'm the best casino player ever.
You might be. It doesn't even matter.
Just no one wins at the casino.
I won't. Yeah, but it wouldn't work long term.
Remember gymnastics. I'm not high in the class.
Look, I think you're getting distressed.
You're getting distressed by the fact that I'm here at the casino and I'm worried that you're going back.
I can't drown this. We can walk the whole way through.
You have to wear this. I don't need to wear this.
You have to wear this because you can't be trusted anymore.
Is this better?
You can't be trusted to control yourself around my endless winning.
Why do they have these?
This is super nice.
Why do we live here? Let's move here.
You're not gonna do that.
We have enough.
We have that, so we could already buy it if that's all we need.
I don't need the ring for land.
No one can drown in this.
We should actually buy this place.
Alright, we'll go back to the casino tonight.
No, it's not the casino. Done.
We don't need to go back to the casino.
It's Christmas. It'll be depressing.
We can't be the depressed people who go to the casino on Christmas.
Welcome to the real world, Luke.
This isn't the real world. Oh, isn't it?
Listen to the nice music.
Look at the beautiful pool. I know.
Enjoy my coffee while reading GQ magazine.
This is the real world. This is the world I've created for you through my endless gambling and our massive accumulation of wealth.
This isn't the real world.
Gambling made us rich.
It didn't. This whole series we've been poor.
Living like peasants.
We get to London. He literally, literally spends like 50 G's on fucking clothes.
Yeah, I spent 50. Can I ask how much it is per glass?
That goes for 350 pounds.
350 pounds per glass?
I'll take three glasses of that if you find it.
It's called a new-world voice dance.
You might do a voice.
It'll dance exactly like this.
Wait, shut up.
Now we're about to step it up.
I am the casino master.
Can you admit that I made money yesterday?
That's true, but it was such a small amount compared to how much we make.
What do you mean?
We make much more than 4,000 pounds a day.
You know what that stands for?
Mr.
Perfect Roulette. Alright, I'm a bit impressed.
But also, there's no such thing as Mr.
Perfect Roulette. Roulette's a rigged game.
It's just luck. It's luck, but it's like...
We'll see about that, you cunt.
We can't go again.
This is nice though.
I'll admit that the casino was actually the cause of this.
Casinos would be very good, because this is very nice.
But it's not the cause of it.
It's loads of other work.
It's not casino. Are you trying to say that House Foods University, the school we put together, teaches people how to make money online, in which everybody, including us, managed to make lots and lots of money on the internet?
Makes us more money than gambling.
Yeah. False. It's a lie.
Made it up. It's false.
No way. Not this time.
We created it. Not this time.
No. Not this time.
It's totally made up. Pure fiction.
No. False. No.
They should go to us as a university and actually learn something.
I hope all Tate Confidential doesn't start going to fucking casinos thinking that, oh, I'm going to find the Andrew Tate way and get rich like him because that's not real.
Don't do that, guys. It's not the casino that got us here.
This is my Russian friend.
From Moscow, no?
I'm Russian, but I'm not from Moscow.
I'm from Latvia. Oh, you're Latvian!
I'm Latvian that speaks Russian and doesn't understand any Latvian.
I went to Riva and a taxi tried to rob me.
Really? Yeah. In Latvia.
And I heard they're very crazy with corona.
Is that true? They have a lot of rules and masks and things up there.
Oh my gosh, that's crazy down there.
Yeah? Yeah. Now they've had, like, if you don't have a vaccine, you can't go to the supermarket.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can go only to, like, a corner shop.
Lithuania is the same. Lithuania, Estonia, Latvia, they're all like that.
They're just going crazy now.
See, when you leave, everything falls apart.
You need to go back and take control.
No, no, no, no. I'm not going back now.
No, no, whilst all this corona stuff is going...
Go back and become the queen and just end it all.
I'll help you. They don't have a kingdom.
I'm here, baby. Enjoy your coffee.
Thank you. This isn't the real world.
Real world. Well, it's not the real world. I'm not gonna go to a casino, make a bunch of money, sit in a spa for Moose Latvian, bitch.
And fuck him. What is the real world, then?
It's not the real world. The real world's cold.
And hard. Not my world.
Look at, they have unlimited waters.
Look at, they even light it up.
Yeah, it's real. And fruits.
Can I just take these?
Of course.
So they're not fake, they're real fruits and they're just around for me to steal.
This can't be the real world.
It's the real world, man. Can't be.
I'm afraid it is. Merry Christmas.
Shut up, Luke. You can't be grumpy on Christmas morning.
I fucking can.
No, you're not. You're not allowed to be.
It's not allowed. It's not a candy.
And you're not allowed to smoke in here.
Merry Christmas! Get fucked!
Ah, so you're angry too.
So everyone's in a bad mood on Christmas morning.
Don't worry, guys. I like shopping for all of us.
And I bought us all lots of Christmas presents to open.
I've even put name tags on them.
Some for you, some for you, and even some for me.
Merry Christmas! Tristan, he may have got you a dildo.
You finally get it. You can't be angry on Christmas.
I tried very hard for that tree.
You have to open your presents.
I don't. You do.
I'm done. No, you have to.
It's Christmas. It's Christmas. I don't care.
I'm leaving. I'm excited for my Christmas present.
Thank you, Andy. Thank you.
Shot? Yeah. Your turn's ringing.
Okay, wait. We got you.
Okay. All right.
See you in a minute. Put the tree back.
I will. Put the tree back.
You've ruined my room. You're a spiteful fucker.
You have to be a Grinch, but my Christmas cheer overloaded him.
You've purchased me things and I want them.
Yeah, exactly. So my Christmas cheer beat your Grinch.
Do you admit it? No. Do you admit it?
What is this? Admit that my Christmas cheer wins.
Can you admit it, Tristan? What are these?
I'm actually confused about what these are.
on shoes bitch. And admit that my Christmas cheer is too powerful for you. Just talk now.
Tristan trying to get away from Christmas. Here we are.
I'm out.
What is this?
It's a tree pond. What's the point of these?
Listen, Luke. You're gonna love it.
He was invented by some French dude.
Is this because I'm French? What do they even do?
You put it together, and then...
And then what? That's what I don't get.
Then what?
Exactly.
That's the first thing.
Merry Christmas!
What is this?
What is the other piece?
I'll put it together right now.
It is French.
Hey Chapman Cigars, I love you.
Are those for me? Yeah.
Merry Christmas. I hope you feel bad.
Do you feel bad for kicking out my tree?
No, you're trying to...
I think you feel a little bit bad.
I may feel a bit bad for what you've done.
That was a dick move. That was a dick move.
Unnecessary. I went out all day yesterday.
I know. And bought one present.
I'm super surprised Christmas was us.
And there was fucking no need for you to be a cunt like that.
Was there? Here you go, Luke.
Another present. Thank you. I don't like either of you.
Why is this a thing? Why would you keep down my tree?
What horrible things do? I disagree with Christmas.
Christmas is against my religion.
Merry Christmas. Why are you giving me things?
I didn't get you anything.
Merry Christmas. I didn't get anything either.
I don't like you guys. Well...
Seems I'm the only nice one of the bunch.
But it's fine. It's always been that way.
It's not true. It is.
They're actually probably the worst of us all.
This isn't some sort of trick to get us.
It might be. It definitely is.
This is also yours.
Merry Christmas.
Why did you give me presents?
Take that paper.
Alright, so I'm super confused with this three part thing.
I'm still confused.
Does anyone on Kpop Adventure, could they possibly know what this does?
Literally, this is it.
This is all that was in the box.
You've got to read the instructions.
This way? Well, I'm not exactly difficult to buy for, am I? Smokes and booze.
Oh, who would have thought Tristan, like, smokes and booze?
I thought you were a cigar spa.
A cigar spa? Yeah, you put a cigar in there and it instantly, like, humidizes it to make it better so it's never dry.
It's like a ten second booze to make a super cigar.
Why'd you buy me super expensive vodka?
Oh. Oh, do you feel like a dickhead yet for kicking down my tree?
No, not really. You do.
No, this is a trick. You're trying to trick me.
How do you feel like a dickhead for kicking down my tree? Here you go.
Merry Christmas. Stop giving me things.
Merry Christmas. One second.
Goodwill to all men.
This is a trick. Luke, he's trying to trick us.
He's the worst one of us.
And he's trying to trick us by being nice.
How am I shopping? I doubt you shopped.
It's designed to make me go crazy.
Because it says step two, put this thing on there, but there's no thing.
It must be there. It's in there.
Look, you can find it. This.
This. Three sets of instructions.
All the same as it's arranged.
See Luke, I told you, it's a setup.
Maybe it's the...
What's this?
What even is this?
Goodwill's old man.
Stop saying Goodwill to all men.
Stop saying that around me.
This is also French.
Did I just only get French things?
Is this a cigar carrying case?
Basically yes.
So, it's a cigar carrying case. Cigars and booze.
Like, I'm not hard to shop for.
What is this?
Merry Christmas. This is a trick.
You are trying to trick me.
Merry Christmas. I know you didn't shop.
Ah! I understand now.
What is it? It's all the tree pot.
I'm getting pieces of the tree pot.
Exactly.
There must be another one.
There must be another bed.
For my tree pot.
Very good, Mr. Luke.
Luke, he's trying to trick us.
Is this where, is this, uh...
Hold the camera, because I can't, I can't do this.
Good will to all men. Say good will to all men.
Stop smoking. Why'd you kick down my tree?
Can you admit that you're a cunt? No.
I admit that you're the biggest cunt and take all potential.
I admit that nobody has ever liked you.
I don't care. This is all because I won the casino yesterday.
It's not. It is.
I won yesterday.
It wasn't for my casino winnings, couldn't afford any of this.
You Merry Christmas!
A hat!
Three hats! Yeah.
You did not buy these! Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Goodwill to all men!
Luke, he is getting you to that.
You don't realize it, but he is getting you.
Merry Christmas. Don't give me things.
I'm not interested in it.
It's mindless consumerism at its worst.
It is mindless consumerism, isn't it?
I don't have enough room. I live in one bag.
Cartier. Is it alive?
Is it? See you a minute.
I know what that is as well.
It's a perfect humidifier instead of a sponge that releases the right amount of water.
Cartier cufflinks. And I'm actually having a tuxedo made.
You're actually being thoughtful.
I'm starting to feel bad about the tree now.
Merry Christmas. No, stop.
You gotta eat more? Well, I'm having a...
My tuxedo's gonna be made in a few weeks.
Do you feel bad for kicking down my tree?
I'm starting to.
Admit that that was a dick move and unnecessary.
No. It's Christmas morning.
Not yet. It was Christmas morning.
Yeah, but you're trying to upset me.
Come to my room. Come to my room. It's important emergency meeting.
It is emergency. It's emergency Christmas.
This is all emergency equipment, this is steep.
So is this the head of the thing?
It looks like a huge speaker system.
Okay, I feel bad about the tree.
I take it back, Andrew. I should never have offered you a tree.
Andrew, I completely take it back.
I completely take it back. I recognize this logo anyway.
I completely take it back. I recognize this logo anyway.
Got myself a little humidor.
Bye now.
Oh, it's a...
Custom-made. So you didn't go out yesterday and buy these things.
How did you get them? I went out yesterday and bought them.
You didn't get me a custom made humidor in one day.
Nice. Two Dupont, ah, Dupont Kohiba edition lighter.
Nice. Okay. And you got the box to put in it.
Yeah, I'm appreciating these things. I appreciate these things.
Do you feel bad for kicking down my tree?
You made me love Christmas. Do you feel bad for kicking down my tree?
A tiny bit. I like Christmas now.
Alright, well, now it's complicated.
I need to put it together. So, it's some sort of...
Welcome to the real world, Luke.
It sounds a wireless speaker.
It's Christmas time.
You know we better drink some booze.
At Christmas time.
Luke isn't allowed to stay in bed and soon.
Yeah, Luke, you have to drink it's Christmas.
What? What do you mean?
Endless, endless Christmas food.
Endless Christmas food. That's not how Christmas works.
It's supposed to be like... It's supposed to be in fucking England, it is!
No, it's supposed to be like cookies and chocolate.
Champagne till you throw open your own mouth.
And fight with your family.
Fight with your family. Loser.
Alright, where's the glasses? Little bit of Christmas booze?
Little bit of Christmas booze?
This looks nasty. What do you mean?
It's all bubbly and shit.
Yeah, champagne. None of us like champagne.
Literally none of us. Whoa, me and Andrew love champagne.
It's all we drink. No, it's not true.
I mean, yeah, kinda, but you guys don't like it.
Listen, me and Andrew have always loved champagne.
It's a lie. It's a big passion of ours.
It's a lie. We're champagne connoisseurs.
It's a lie. Alright, what's your favorite champagne?
Uh... I knew it!
And you can't drink champagne out of teacup.
Can I? My favourite champagne is...
See, I know! Champagne's nasty!
Vove Tico 86 is my favourite champagne.
Merry Christmas. Oh, and you think I just know champagne is reading Bond novels, yeah?
Oh, you think I just made that up? It's nasty.
It's not even good. It's good.
It's literally bad. It's delicious.
It's not. You're lying. Ah, much better than...
Look at his... You can't lie to the camera.
That's okay. You can't say watch me and then say it's good.
It is good. Right, Tristan, my plan is this.
Luke doesn't, Luke doubts I can go and make another unbelievable amount of money at the casino.
So let's go to the casino with all the depressed people with no family and sit there and let's gamble hundreds of thousands of you.
We're depressed people with no family. No, but we have each other.
Goodwill to all men. See you, your cousin.
Merry Christmas. No, we don't need booze.
No, coffees are nice.
Yeah, straight please.
Alright, I might have to admit it's Christmas.
I was going to say no. I was going to say it's not Christmas, but there's Christmas playing in the background.
Yeah, Christmas. So, where's the booze?
In fact, Christmas might be a psy-op.
Well, one of my big alcohol companies to make you drink.
Can you guarantee that it's December?
Yes. How? I'm in, I'm aligned with the planet.
Prove it to me. Yeah, but you need to prove it to me.
No, no, I don't need to. I don't actually, I don't.
We'll find that I don't. Might be a style.
The presents. The tree.
Christmas beer. Just to give me the booze.
Christmas booze. Some cigars are really hard to smoke.
Why? You sure it's hard? Depends on their role.
I know, why? Some keep it, some keep it the role being.
Is there consistency?
The communists? No, look.
He doesn't want consistency.
He never wanted it, fucker.
Ah, so, alright, well.
Luke, is the weather outside frightful?
No. Is your cigar...
Wait a minute. Luke, it is.
Is your cigar so delightful?
No. Do you have any place to go?
Yes. Let us know, let us know, let us know.
Goodwill to all men. Can we admit this morning, we all got presents, thanks to me.
Look, is the one outside frightful?
That is true. No, I'm not talking to you guys.
I don't like you guys. But the booze is so delightful.
Do you like my jumper? It cost two and a half thousand dollars.
It is quite good. Thank you.
Look, what color are my socks? Burgundy.
Burgundy jacket. Burgundy shirt.
Burgundy socks. Burgundy lizard skin shoes.
What's his name? So if I were an anchor man, here show me after.
So if I were a news anchor, who would I be?
I don't know. Ron Burgundy.
Why not Tristan Burgundy?
Why not I did for Burgundy? You don't know who Ron Burgundy is.
Ron Burgundy would beat the shit out of you.
Let's replace him for Ron Burgundy.
It doesn't mean anything. It does.
It doesn't mean anything. All we do is talk nonsense.
All we do is talk nonsense the whole time.
This is our life. You guys think it stops once the camera stops.
No, it doesn't. It's loads of nonsense all the time.
So what color am I wearing? Burgundy, I know.
We're probably making ourselves crazy.
We're like crazy people.
A band of crazy people.
Because all our inside jokes are so stupid and because all we do is talk shit all the time, it does hinder us from ever making any other friends.
Because when everyone sits around us, they're like, who the fuck are these weirdos?
Yeah. We're just a bunch of weirdos.
We have good friends. The Friendship Circle.
Brad Justice. Crazy Mexican Mitchell.
Lunatics. All the lunatics.
They're all crazy. All the crazy people are our friends.
Yes. Yeah. It's a band of crazy people.
Yes. It's a psych ward.
An open, fresh air, open air psych ward.
We're the best people in the universe. It's the sound of Christmas cheer, Luke. Christmas comes just once a year, Luke.
Yeah. Nerd.
You're stupid. You're stupid.
You're stupid. Well, I just tricked you to drink the whole drink by shaking my glass of ice.
By drinking your own drink. And I'm the stupid.
Yeah, yeah. You drank your own drink.
Exactly. This is stupid.
And now we're going to reset the timer.
Christmas crackers, you don't have these in America?
No, we don't. Then how do you wear your paper hats?
Why do you want paper hats for Christmas?
It doesn't make sense. Goodwill to all men.
This is stupid. Oh, this is stupid.
Yeah. Why did the scare for a winning award?
Award? Yeah. Because he was the best in his field.
This is stupid. I got one as well.
If these are stupid, then why do I have this?
It doesn't make sense though.
I know, I got a stupid cheese grater.
Oh, stupid. Why did the chicken get a penalty?
For foul play.
That's good. It's not good.
It's bad. And then they get these shit hats.
Whoa. I mean...
Did you just say shit?
No. Shit hats.
Tristan refused to come.
So it's just you and me for Christmas.
So it's us for Christmas.
He's the Christmas. Tristan literally...
We had this big table for six.
None of our friends came and Tristan refused to come.
We had no friends. So it's you and me.
Yeah. With our Christmas hats.
With our Christmas hats. And Tristan even said, when I said dinner, he said, fuck off.
I went to bed. I know. He's a Grinch man.
He's the Grinch. This is super fun.
I'm super happy. Thank you, Andrew.
This is super fun. Goodwill to all men.
Goodwill Mall, man. Merry Christmas.
We're like 12 trees in.
It's actually ridiculous.
No, it's stupid. I feel like shit.
And we didn't record any of it.
What's this made of? Glass.
You know what you're made of? Glass.
That's how easy it is to snap you, Luke.
You piece of shit, you fucking loser.
Don't tell me I'm 12 drinks in.
I'll tell you how many drinks I have. I'm 11 drinks in.
Which means what? It means we need a fucking drink.
I've had enough of you. It's Christmas.
Hello, my friend. Can we have six?
More drinks, please. Yes, please.
Thank you very much, my friend.
Lots of lime juice. Thank you, brother.
You already ordered six, and they gave us three.
We take a secret about the world. He is the manager of this bar.
He looked at me directly when I broke his little piece of glass.
And I ordered a drink, and you know what he did?
He said, okay. Because he sees me with my black eye and my skinhead, and he knows that if you want to fucking fight, I'll fucking I'm a cool guy, but if you want to fight, I will fight you.
I will try. Now, you may win.
Very unlikely. These people don't even know myself.
It's truly unlikely. But they're like, do I really want to fight this man?
He's clearly been fighting.
He already does it recently.
That's who I am. That's what I do.
I want everyone at home to know that Luke is fucked.
Next year is the year where I kick the living fuck out of Luke on every single fucking episode.
If you want straightener Luke, we're gonna fucking have one.
And if you refuse to fight back, I'll beat you up anyway.
Every single fucking episode next year starts with me kicking the fuck out of you until you finally beat me.
So good luck. Start training.
Fuck you, Luke. And the first stage of training is to drink your fucking booze.
More booze is coming, my friend.
More booze.
More booze. More chicks.
More money. More supercars.
More private jets. We don't need more.
Welcome to the real world.
Welcome to the real world.
I make $10 million a year.
And guess how much I spend up to $10 million?
Fucking all of it. It's all gone.
I blast it into fun.
$10 million. I spend all of it.
Fuck you, Luke. It's all coming to an end.
You, me, Tristan, all of it.
It's coming to an end. We're all either dying or going to jail.
This year, I'll take confidential.
I've had enough of you and your shit.
I can't do it.
We're so deep.
I don't think people realize.
No one watching realizes.
You're all mortals like me.
You don't realize.
You don't understand.
You don't understand.
We didn't film any of them before, Ben.
You don't understand.
This can't just be starting.
You guys...
This doesn't make sense.
We're in the nicest establishment in London possible.
The Dorchester London.
We're literally- At Christmas.
It doesn't make sense.
Do you want to fight? We're the only people- It's yes or no.
If you don't answer, the answer is yes.
No, it's no. Also opposite day.
Shit. Do you want to fight?
But it isn't opposite day.
But you don't know it's opposite day before I said that.
It's opposite day, which means- I'm confused.
Do you want to fight? Alright, smart man.
Now you're talking. Now you're talking with real solutions to real problems.
It is not not up to date.
Don't you- Wouldn't you not- Wouldn't you like to not drink with me?
Luke, why do you look depressed?
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