| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Good Song, Great Routine
00:05:27
|
|
| Good song and routine! | |
| Bark! Don't tempt us. | |
| We're that crazy. Andrew, you need a second one. | |
| You're starting to sell me a second one. | |
| If you had one of those, and I know that you don't, if you had one of those, you may well sell me a lot of them. | |
| We don't need two of these. | |
| Nah, we're drunk enough. | |
| We actually lost him the last six days. | |
| Every night. | |
| We were in pain. | |
| We throw a lot of things, you know. | |
| How do you want your vegetables? | |
| Do you want your vegetables in dust? | |
| Yeah, that's fine. | |
| You just saw him make a say, that's fine. | |
| The... | |
| ... | |
| And there's Rolls-Royce pens as well. | |
| We'll get them next time. When we go for lunch next time, we'll take the pens. | |
| Oh, these are spare umbrellas for our door. | |
| You've got umbrellas in the car. | |
| Yes, these are just for the trunk, yeah? | |
| I'm making weapons, bro. | |
| I'm making weapons. I'm getting swords. | |
| I know. It wasn't already. | |
| What are you guys doing? Oh, you've never seen this before? | |
| No. Men like you, anyone else have seen this? | |
| Oh, so like a ritual. | |
| Yeah, you know, I'm familiar with the dance, obviously. | |
| How many Rolls-Roycees have you bought? How many? | |
| None. When they teach you guys. | |
| Okay. The new Rolls-Royce dance. | |
| Exactly. Four years ago. | |
| You get to be the first one to drive on your Rolls Royce, because I am drinking champagne with my friend Steven. | |
| That's fair. You do the driving, I'll do the drinking. | |
| I can always do the drink driving, but brand new Rolls Royce, London, I scratch a wheel. | |
| No, thank you. | |
| Complimentary champagne on Rolls Royce. | |
| Yeah, but it's only for people who buy Rolls Royce. | |
| I think that's Rolls Royce champagne. | |
| True, true. You need to know the dance moves. | |
| Yeah, you don't know dance. Yeah, that way, now you can't have any champagne. | |
| Yeah. But, I'll have to drink some. | |
| I've actually lost my voice from talking too loud in my closet. | |
| Where in Spain? | |
| We drove through from top to bottom. | |
| We started in Santander and drove all the way through, all the way down to my bed, out of the canteen. | |
| The copy's done. So we drink that. | |
| Rolls-Royce beers. Yeah, Rolls-Royce beers. | |
| I'll do the congestion charge for today and tomorrow. | |
| Appreciate that. Thank you very much. | |
| You have to stay here. | |
| Oh, it is beautiful here. | |
| I'm going to go ahead and get my camera. | |
| I'm going to play a short video. | |
| It's a beautiful day. | |
|
Should've Worn Walking Shoes
00:14:56
|
|
| There's... To be fair, the back seats are a bit small. | |
| Listen, I think you two should get an Uber. | |
| That's a brand new Rolls Royce. | |
| Get an Uber. Stop talking to me. | |
| You should both get an Uber. Ah. | |
| Ah-ha. Touche. | |
| You're lucky, or you'd be in an Uber. | |
| As for you, you cunt. Fuck! | |
| What's your leverage? If I'm walking... | |
| Should've worn your walking shoes. | |
| Some light rain with my morning coffee. | |
| Storm is coming. And this light rain is the exact situation we're in right now. | |
| I don't know if many of you people understand. | |
| But if you do not instantly buy the lies, if you do not instantly agree with the narrative which they purport, you are their enemy. | |
| They hate you. They don't just dislike you. | |
| They actively despise you. | |
| The more you think and question their narrative, the less powerful their narrative is. | |
| I don't even have to say what I'm talking about. | |
| I don't want to get banned, right? But it can be about anything. | |
| Imagine you're in charge of the world. | |
| Imagine the ego you have as you're in charge of the world. | |
| You own all the media outlets. | |
| You control all the money. And you say, this is true. | |
| The sky is green. | |
| And somebody goes, but I've used my own eyes and it's blue. | |
| That hurts your ego. | |
| Who are you to question me? | |
| They don't like you as a person. | |
| They actively despise you as an individual and they're aiming to crush you. | |
| The only limit on authoritarianism is the will of the police to enforce it. | |
| Look at Australia. If the police are stupid enough to completely enforce absolute tyranny, this is what the people in charge of the world want. | |
| In countries like Romania, they can't get away with it because the police won't do it to their fellow man. | |
| But that's changing in real time. | |
| The only way you can combat things like this That is, in my experience, a strong network of individuals. | |
| Maybe you think you're so tough and you're a lone wolf and you can do it all by yourself and you can just hide in your computer or you can fucking go Rambo. | |
| Maybe. But me as an individual, I believe I need more powerful friends. | |
| I think the more powerful friends I have, the better I'm going to be in the future. | |
| So every morning I wake up and I'm sitting there thinking, If I need passports, who do I call? | |
| If I need paperwork, who do I call? | |
| If I get arrested, who do I call? | |
| If I need banking, who do I call? | |
| If I need crypto, who do I call? I'm trying to find out what is missing in my network to make sure I always have a guy to call. | |
| If you think this impending tyranny and slavery is something you can negotiate by yourself, if you're Rambo, go do it. | |
| But if you're like me and smart enough to know you're gonna need a little bit help You're welcome. | |
| Don't worry. | |
| I'm sorry. | |
| I'm sorry. | |
| Are you rich? I feel a bit rich now. | |
| Let's shake hands to being rich. Nah, we're poor. | |
| You look poor. We're poor. | |
| What do you mean? You guys aren't poor? | |
| We hang around with some kid who wears New Balance trainers. | |
| Yeah, fuck, we must look poor. | |
| I mean, because I'm in a tailored suit. | |
| You're in a, what, $2,000 tracksuit from Giorgio Aramont. | |
| Do not insult the price of my tracksuit again. | |
| How much? $4,000? About that. | |
| Well, we hang around with a kid who will not stop wearing... | |
| New Balance trainers. $40 New Balance trainers. | |
| They're not $40, they're $100. Don't make fun of the price of my New Balance trainers. | |
| How long have you had them for? Because they look like shit. | |
| Maybe a year. Why won't you just dress better? | |
| What do you mean? They're good shoes. | |
| So tell me you don't notice my New Balance trainers. | |
| So we can have the rolls. I'm in a tailored suit. | |
| Yeah. You're in one of the world's most expensive track suits that could possibly exist. | |
| And this kid's wearing New Balance trainers. | |
| Yeah, we might be poor, Andrew. No group of rich men would roll like that. | |
| That's right. We might be poor. | |
| Poor on us all looks full. I retract my handshake. | |
| We're a poor group of men. | |
| We're not poor. We are poor. | |
| Buy some new trainers. This was literally bought, basically for fun. | |
| It didn't, it was not a planned out purchase. | |
| It was, we're walking by to get coffee. | |
| Yeah? Huh. I thought I wanted it. | |
| That's a good car. Yeah. | |
| Let's go look at it. Let's buy it. | |
| So? That's not a poor person thing. | |
| But if you walk out with the car in New Balance trainers. | |
| Then you're poor. Then you're poor. Our group of friends is poor. | |
| Me and Andrew are at least mid-level income because we have an impoverished man on our team. | |
| I think there's only ten shirts in the world. | |
| Ten, okay. Hear me out. I'm wearing one. | |
| You're wearing one. He's one. That's three. | |
| Okay. Four, five, six... | |
| Wait. Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. | |
| Where's the rest? That's eleven, bro. | |
| No one else could possibly have a shirt on. | |
| Man, this does feel good. | |
| Take off of Nashville doesn't know. | |
| That felt good. Smooth. | |
| So we're cruising through England. | |
| Yeah. And I never knew about the hedges. | |
| Yeah. They put hedges on the side of every road and it's the widest car in the world. | |
| We're about one centimeter from the hedges on either side. | |
| Yeah. The mirrors brush them. | |
| Lightly brushed mirrors. | |
| Nice. Scratch that new paint. | |
| Scratch that new paint. Nice. | |
| D-value of the car we just paid half a million dollars for. | |
| Nice. Nice. Wonderful attitude. | |
| Wonderful fucking attitude. I did not know England was like this. | |
| Listen guys, it's worth it. | |
| We're out of afternoon tea. Nice. | |
| Don't start that shit. Nice. | |
| Afternoon tea. What do you mean? | |
| We're in a Rolls in England. | |
| We're not going to have afternoon tea. Exactly. | |
| That doesn't make sense. | |
| You're too good for that, you cunt. | |
| Okay, well, I know where we're going. | |
| It's probably the best place to have afternoon tea. | |
| Don't tell anyone where it is, though. | |
| Don't show any of the signs. Cool. | |
| Keep it hidden. | |
| We're working on it. | |
| Stay in the car. | |
| We're going to the airport. | |
| This is really nice. | |
| I'm glad you wore proper shoes. | |
| Yeah, I have new shoes again. | |
| He likes to come to nice places. | |
| Why do I have to make you more nice shoes? | |
| Might have been more comfortable to walk around with some New Balance. | |
| Good evening. English people are so much nicer than Americans. | |
| Yeah, we dress better, though. Yeah, this isn't... | |
| To the American viewers, they do this. | |
| There's just people. If there was an American here, without instruction from his cousins, he'd be wearing New Balance sneakers and sweatpants. | |
| I would. They probably wouldn't let him in here. | |
| This is very nice. | |
| I know. | |
| No, it's super English. | |
| You put your £50,000 worth of shopping in the boot. | |
| Yeah, London shopping. | |
| And then you come for afternoon tea. | |
| So why were you working at your hotel? | |
| I don't know. I could have just done this the whole time? | |
| Yeah, basically, yeah. Why don't people just do this the whole time? | |
| That's the thing, people watching. I know you think we're joking. | |
| While you're doing your 9 to 5 a bus, you could just be doing this. | |
| They really could. They could. | |
| You can join Hobson University and you can do it. | |
| And I said to them, look, it's Hobson University. | |
| It's $49 a month. | |
| I teach you how to make money. Even if you hate me, I obviously know how to make money. | |
| And they sit there and they go, hmm... | |
| Nah. That's what I don't get. | |
| How stupid are they? | |
| They're stupid, bro. Anyone who's not, anyone with a brain is in Hustlin University. | |
| Anyone who watches this episode and doesn't join is literally a moron. | |
| I'm literally a moron. | |
| We put that screenshot up there on Twitter. | |
| I know. 500 to 30,000. | |
| I know. And all he did was just follow our instructions. | |
| That's literally what happened. | |
| Buy this, do this, boom, 30 grand. | |
| That's literally what happened. People deserve slavery. | |
| They super do. They want to be slaves. | |
| They super do. So why weren't you doing this? | |
| Well, it didn't exist when I was working at Chipotle, to be fair. | |
| I know. | |
| Yep. Man, they have no idea about speed. | |
| Literally zero. Literally. | |
| They're going to watch this. | |
| They're going to think, hmm, that's a good idea. | |
| And then they're going to continue watching. | |
| Yeah. Take their time. | |
| And then they'll forget. | |
| They'll remember again in like two weeks. | |
| Be like, oh, oh yeah, I was right about to do that. | |
| Just... Literally slay people. | |
| But we did need them to bring the tea and the food. | |
| So... Because this is very, very nice. | |
| And I don't know how to make one of these. | |
| Have you ever had a scone? No. | |
| This is English. Have you ever had a scone? | |
| No, you're a piece of shit. Are they hard or soft? | |
| How come you've never had a scone? | |
| It's kind of like a biscuit. Like Grandma's biscuits. | |
| They're sweet. Here. | |
| This is a scone. I've made you a scone. | |
| Is this the way? | |
| This is the scone way. | |
| This is how to be English. This is how to be English. | |
| This is what English people do. | |
| They can't see my face, but English people have it right. | |
| Sounds good. Now, Bones and tea. | |
| So you ungrateful colonials tipped our tea in the ocean and started dressing like crap. | |
| Yeah, I don't know why we did that, to be honest. | |
| To be fair, why do we do that to the tea? | |
| Tea is really good. We should have just kept wearing nice clothes and doing English things. | |
| Instead, you decided to wage war on us and never bet baseball. | |
| Traitors. I'm English now. | |
| What was it called? | |
| No, I mean the people who decided to stay with England. | |
| A loyalist? I'm a loyalist. | |
| Although you are half-friend, so you're a mortal enemy for life. | |
| Fuck. I tricked you. | |
| Morning. So the emergency meeting's on? | |
| Oh yeah, emergency meeting. Guys, it's 4am. | |
| What's that? 4am Aikido in the Rolls. | |
| It's actually 4am Stately Home Aikido. | |
| In a Rolls Royce. | |
| In a Rolls Royce. 4am Stately Home Rolls Royce Aikido. | |
| You ever seen that before, Luke? I have not. | |
| I don't think anyone's seen that before. | |
| Well, that's why we're here. I don't think it's ever been filmed and live. | |
| First time in history. | |
| Okay, some dickhead in Luton on a roundabout. | |
| I'm not sure how you do that crash. | |
| By being drunk or high? | |
| Would it be a straight on? Yeah, straight on. | |
| You don't see the roundabout. Let me try my night vision so we can analyze his crash. | |
| Okay, night vision. My Rolls Royce night vision. | |
| Nice. Why is that guy yellow? | |
| In the night vision. Guys, we may have just discovered vampires. | |
| Probably high. Oh no, they're definitely fucked. | |
| They're definitely high. No, that's a vampire. | |
| He's yellow on the night vision camera. | |
| He's a different... Literally look at his car. | |
| In the bush. On the night vision. | |
| There! See, he's yellow! | |
| He's fucking yellow! I'm telling you, something special about that one. | |
| How the fuck did they do that? | |
| I don't know. Let's try to ask him. Ask him. | |
| We don't have to ask him. Yeah, we do. | |
| We're from the... | |
| Oh, that's how. So we're going to France. | |
| Your dream. My home country. | |
| dream mask or no mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask fucking losers French are fucking losers. | |
| If you're watching this and you're French, you're a fucking loser. | |
| Losers. All of them. | |
| Yeah, Luke. Luke. | |
| No, I'm just doing that. France is gay. | |
| They're fucking losers, man. | |
| Le Covid deforme. | |
| Fuck off. Fuck off. | |
| Why don't they just let us in? | |
| Shmovid? Dude, what? | |
| They don't know anything about Shmovid, do they? | |
| I don't know anything about Shmovid. Look at my Shmovid form. | |
| Dude. I'm this guy. | |
| I'm 54. I've worked hard my entire life. | |
| I can afford a Ford fucking whatever it is. | |
| And I have a bike. | |
| I put my bike on my car and I, two or three times a year, I go to... | |
| Can you stop coughing COVID all over me? | |
| I'm trying to take confidential. | |
| I take my bike to France and I ride around on my bike. | |
| Three or four times a year. | |
| And if you sit and talk to me, I tell you, oh, Expedition Princess, yeah, went for a nice ride. | |
| Yeah, you take the bike on the tunnel, you put it on the car. | |
| You're the least interesting. | |
| What a fucking loser. | |
| People's lives are shit. | |
| No millions, no buying supercars at random, no being a kickboxing world champion, nothing. | |
| Just working your entire life to buy a Ford, whatever. | |
| I literally don't know what car that is. | |
| He even put the GB sticker on his car. | |
| Because the French are like, we must know you are from England. | |
| The number plate's yellow, bro. | |
| There's no other country in the world with that. | |
| You know we're from England. The wheel's on the other side. | |
| You know we're from England. You just want us to have the sticker. | |
| We don't have the sticker, they fine us 40 euro. | |
| Instead of being a man and telling them to fuck themselves, give me the fine. | |
| He puts the sticker. There's no sticker on my rolls. | |
| Look at this dork. | |
| Now do the guy in front. | |
|
Putting Cars on Trains
00:02:56
|
|
| Oh, a Mr. fucking camper van. | |
| Jerking off. Can't afford to stay in hotels. | |
| Fucking satellite hookup to Pornhub. | |
| And what about this guy letting him on the fucking train? | |
| Alright, mate. Yeah, I'm in charge of this train. | |
| Yeah. Put the car on the train. | |
| Alright, next. Yeah. Hello, mate. | |
| Yeah. You're going on the train, yeah? | |
| Yeah, yeah. Just go on the train. | |
| Yeah, thanks. Alright, next. | |
| Yeah. Yeah. What's that? | |
| Everyone's life is shit! | |
| 50 years later, he dies. | |
| 50 years later, he can afford a fucking car with his bike on it and goes for a little ride. | |
| He might get discounts on the train. | |
| Train discounts. We pay full price. | |
| I can discount this fucking Pornhub subscription. | |
| Pornhub, yeah? Yeah. | |
| Thought so. | |
| Told ya. | |
| Confirmed. | |
| Case closed. | |
| This is very nice. | |
| Both of you keep coughing. | |
| I'm not in a car with two. | |
| You both have COVID. It's the COVID car. | |
| Smovid, get over there. | |
| You got COVID on the trip. | |
| Who's the one who preaches not being afraid of COVID all day on a swirl? | |
| I'm literally not afraid of it, but literally this is the COVID car. | |
| There's a new variant in this car. | |
| Yeah, there is. You know, I've been holding it back for super long. | |
| Is this the Rolls Royce variant of COVID? Yeah. | |
| Rolls variant. No one's ready for the fucking Rolls variant. | |
| Literally no one. They're really not. | |
| Kills poor people. So you're fine. | |
| Makes the rich stronger. Makes the rich stronger. | |
| It's the Czech Republic nice. It's actually super nice. | |
| Maybe we should move here. Become the king. | |
| Become the king of Czech Republic. | |
| Ah, I know what we do. Rolls variant. | |
| Spread it all around. Kill all the people. | |
| All easy takeover. Boom, done. | |
| All right, I'll open the window. | |
| All right, see you losers. | |
| They're riding bikes, they're definitely. | |
| So it's been unleashed on the world. | |
| Unleashed! Tristan, you've literally not stopped boozing. | |
|
Tristan's 17-Hour Drive
00:00:05
|
|
| I went to my room, so I couldn't record it for all day confidential, but Tristan went out after a 17-hour drive. | |