| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Chinese Invasion Alert
00:08:17
|
|
| Good shot there from Tate! | |
| A lot of people say girls love money and that's not entirely true. | |
| I'm not sure if that's true. | |
| I'm out. | |
| Emergency meeting in the war room immediately. | |
| Both of you, this is a fucking emergency. | |
| Get to the war room. Now! | |
| Andrew, go! We fucked up. | |
| We fucked up. | |
| It's all fucked. It's all entirely fucked. | |
| What? You know exactly why. | |
| Yesterday when we were in the restaurant, the steakhouse, there were two tables of people. | |
| Where were those people from? | |
| China. Chinese! The Chinese are here. | |
| The Wuhan virus is out. | |
| They're locking down cities. | |
| There are two, three cities in China that they have locked down completely. | |
| Now, we are guys who like to prepare. | |
| That's China. Millions of dollars in the bank are not going to help you when the Wuhan virus comes here and everyone's going to be in the supermarkets. | |
| Sure, I have to shoot people to get the groceries, but the mafia guy is going to be shooting people too. | |
| We need to prepare today. | |
| You see how much shelf space we have in this house? | |
| Right now, if we were to look down to see, we'd close our big fucking mail gate, we'd be fucking resorted to cannibalism! | |
| Within hours, we have popcorn and chips! | |
| We are unprepared! | |
| Andrew, give me your credit card! | |
| Give me your credit card! | |
| Give me your... We need to order 3,000 cans of canned meat! | |
| And 140 kilograms of rice. | |
| Immediately! We need rice, meat, wine, and smokes. | |
| Or we're going to get fucking starved to death in this compound of ours. | |
| We've built ourselves a fucking wonderful tomb like King Khufu of Egypt. | |
| And we're going to sit here and mummify ourselves through starvation when the Wuhan virus kills our friends And neighbors! | |
| But the Wuhan virus isn't coming. | |
| The Chinese people were in the restaurant, Luke. | |
| You saw them yourself. Don't get smart. | |
| They were Chinese or Japanese or Filipino or something from there. | |
| The Wuhan virus is here. | |
| It's real. We need to stockpile food and booze immediately. | |
| There were Chinese people. | |
| There were. Thank you. | |
| Food and booze. | |
| 400 bottles of wine. | |
| Yeah. Yeah. | |
| Sorry. Sorry. A crisis of the earth isn't important enough for you to come in the war room with your fucking popcorn. | |
| It's all we fucking got. | |
| Gonna live all this shit. | |
| You're pathetic. They're Chinese people. | |
| That's all I'm saying. He didn't see the Chinese. | |
| They were Chinese. Three pages. | |
| What's this? I'm ordering more food than fucking to feed the 5,000. | |
| I'm Jesus up in this bitch. | |
| There you go. I don't believe in running from things. | |
| So Tristan yesterday had a panic attack about this fucking Wuhan virus. | |
| I didn't have a panic attack. How much did you order? | |
| How much food? 3,000 euro of food? | |
| Yeah, 3,000 euro of food. | |
| I believe when you have an enemy, you have to face it head on. | |
| You don't run from it. Adverse is a virus. | |
| Yeah, but listen... | |
| There's a Chinatown in Bucharest. | |
| I've never seen it, but according to Google, there's a Chinatown. | |
| I've lived here four years and never seen it. | |
| I say we go Chinatown so Wuhan knows we're not afraid. | |
| I won't go to Chinatown. | |
| It's the only way the virus is going to know that I'm not afraid of it. | |
| I'm going to get my supercar, I'm going to pull up to fucking Chinatown. | |
| Right here, right now, let Wuhan know. | |
| There is no Chinatown, but if you were serious about going to Chinatown. | |
| There's a Chinatown. There's no fucking Chinatown, though. | |
| I've lived here for years, so I know there's no Chinatown. | |
| Well, if you meet the coronavirus, and you start displaying fucking symptoms of the coronavirus, I will shoot you. | |
| So it's fine. Don't attack me. | |
| Don't attack me if you're welcome. | |
| I'll even come with you, but I'm gonna wear a fucking face mask, and when you start displaying symptoms, I'll shoot you. | |
| Land it. I'll shoot you both. | |
| That guy was much bigger than the actual car. | |
| Yeah, it is. I don't know, the witch. | |
| I'm telling you that I've asked him a deceptively long time. | |
| Four fucking years we've lived in this city. | |
| Four years. How many times do you think Andrew's wanted to go to Chinatown? | |
| Fucking zero. Pissed me off. | |
| He's doing it on purpose to antagonize me, Ron Fultz. | |
| See, what you don't understand is me and Andrew have equal shares in what we do. | |
| Equal votes. And we used to settle this with a game of dice, like men. | |
| But now Luke fucking has come along and he has 0.1 of a vote. | |
| He doesn't get a full vote, but he swings the balance. | |
| So Luke, fucking American, obviously misses all the Chinese people in California. | |
| He's like, yeah, let's go to Chinatown. | |
| Get the fucking coronavirus of Wuhan and die. | |
| Motherfuckers. I've got to go there and fucking die because they're trying to be clever. | |
| I ain't never been to Chinatown in my fucking life. | |
| I'll do it. | |
| This Mercedes sounds a lot louder than it did before. | |
| Yeah, so I upgraded the power and I upgraded the exhaust because I am trying to fight climate change in my own way. | |
| I'm trying to emit more CO2 than everyone else. | |
| And I'll tell you fucking why. | |
| Because I deserve CO2 emissions. | |
| See, it's not me, the private citizen's job, to worry about CO2 emissions and saving the planet. | |
| I can't do shit. | |
| That is the job of the government. | |
| So what I do is I buy loads of cars from which I have to pay VAT on. | |
| The VAT on my car collection alone is 200,000 English pounds. | |
| Plus, that's more tax than most of you motherfuckers will pay in your whole life. | |
| So the British government is now armed with 200,000 pounds extra out of my pocket that they can use to fight climate change. | |
| Yeah, I spent it on seven cars. | |
| Yeah, I upgrade the exhaust and spend loads of money making them loud and making them pollute more. | |
| But shit, I'm fighting the good fight. | |
| You're broke at home with no car thinking you're saving the fucking environment because you're taking the bus. | |
| You're a fucking geek. | |
| You contributed nothing to the government's fucking treasury. | |
| And it's the government who's going to fix the problems. | |
| What the fuck do you know about CO2 in the atmosphere? | |
| You're a fucking geek. | |
| I thought we were going to China. | |
|
Yoga Fired?
00:02:20
|
|
| Bro, China sounds close. | |
| So there is no Chinatown, like I said. | |
| There's no such thing as a Chinatown. | |
| I'm going to take you somewhere Chinese today. | |
| You want to go Chinese? I'm taking you somewhere Chinese. | |
| F4. Watch this. | |
| I'm taking them to the most Chinese place in this whole city. | |
| Tonight. Tea. | |
| Yoga iced tea. | |
| Bro, yoga iced tea. What makes it? | |
| What makes it yoga? So you're eating. | |
| No, no, bro, bro, bro. | |
| Let me ask you a question. Because Luke doesn't know shit about the world. | |
| We found out that Luke is such a youngster. | |
| He doesn't know shit. Who says yoga fire and yoga flame? | |
| Yeah, who says yoga fire? | |
| Yoga flame. Who says that? | |
| I don't know. You don't know! | |
| They're probably dead! They're probably dead! | |
| I'll see him from Street Fighter! | |
| One, two, three! | |
| Go back to my area! | |
| Get off! | |
| What did he know about the stretchy arms? | |
| Nothing. Nothing. You don't know. | |
| You lay them up with the stretchy arms. | |
| When they try and jump over, yoga fire. | |
| Exactly. All you need to throw loads of kicks at him, that's the only way to beat him because she's too fast for the other character. | |
| When I jump this and you get yoga fired, what are you going to do? | |
| What are you going to do? Nothing. | |
| Yeah. You don't know shit. | |
| These youngsters don't know shit! | |
| If he works for us, you're yoga-fired. | |
| He's probably dead by now. | |
| Dal Sim never dies. | |
| How can you go through life you don't know about yoga-fired? | |
| Dal Sim? Yoga-fired. | |
| If Zangief was here... I bet you a lot of Zangief don't know about yoga-fired. | |
| Everyone knows. Everyone knows. | |
| The world knows about Street Fighter II. You're the only person who doesn't know. | |
| Yoga, fire. Bro, that was my whole childhood. | |
| A geek. Button bashing. | |
| Button bashing. | |
| It works. Ready for the end of the world. | |
| Forever. Whatever. | |
| You're welcome. Why do you have the booze? | |
| Booze? Red wine, vodka, whiskey, post-apocalyptic. | |
| Bro! Homes! You don't even have booze! | |
| Bro! Parties, the homes, the apocalypse. | |
|
Apocalypse Homes & Booze
00:02:23
|
|
| You'll be walking down the streets with your guns and they'll be like all raggedy. | |
| You'll be like, I've got whiskey. I've got wine. | |
| Get all the homes out to the apocalypse, bro. | |
| Apocalypse homes are real. | |
| There's homes everywhere. How do I repopulate the human species? | |
| We need the booze to get the hoes drunk to forget that the world's over. | |
| Give them some noodles. | |
| They're yours. Done. | |
| Mayonnaise. Why? | |
| Why? Bro, when the Hunan Chinese virus comes here and starts fucking with you and you and all of you, I'm going to have food. | |
| I'm going to be lost. I'm going to be locked in my pantry. | |
| If anyone's going to be caught by the Wuhan virus, it's you. | |
| You're the weakest of us. I don't believe that. | |
| You'll see. We'll see. | |
| We're going to China tonight. I'm taking you to a Chinese place. | |
| One hour, get ready. I'm going to China. | |
| It's a safe door automated. | |
| Safe door automated. | |
| Oh, wow. | |
| Ah! | |
| Oh, wow. | |
| Peace out. | |
| Hey guys. It's me, Mal. And I'm here with my friend, Jermaine. | |
| And we're going to be doing a video on the new iPhone. And I'm going to be doing a video on the new iPhone. So, let's get started. | |
| I'm going to be doing a video on the new iPhone. So, let's get started. | |
| I'm going to be doing a video on the new iPhone. So, let's get started. | |
| I'm going to be doing a video on the new iPhone. So, let's get started. | |
| You know what I put that berry on? To make it tasty. | |
|
Don't Touch Things
00:02:55
|
|
| Okay. Oh, it's good. | |
| I told you it's so good, man. | |
| It's delicious. | |
| Nice. | |
| Not a wife. Not a wife. | |
| How are they, buddy? | |
| It's good. | |
| Play with your wife. | |
| Play with her. | |
| Play with your mother, right? | |
| Play with her. | |
| Look at that. | |
| Yeah, bro. | |
| You didn't catch the virus from, you didn't get the virus from the restaurant last night, did you? | |
| It was Japanese. There was a Chinese restaurant, and you keep coughing. | |
| I think you've got the Ulan virus. | |
| Bro! You've got a good non-virus. | |
| I'm going to make you sleep in the apartment above the garage until you stop coughing. | |
| There's no need in there. Well, the cold of the garage apartment will neutralize the virus. | |
| Everyone of those viruses spreads. | |
| You keep coughing and you're at a Chinese restaurant. | |
| No, lose that. Laptop. | |
| Still work. Take it. Don't touch my hands. | |
| Take the laptop. Man got the Wuhan virus. | |
| Wuhan virus. You're not allowed in my house any yet. | |
| Come here. Take me back. | |
| Nine. Four. | |
| Emergency rations. Apartment bomb Gary, bro. | |
| I'm not having you in my house coffee. | |
| Go. Take them and go. Take them and go. | |
| Don't touch things. Don't touch. | |
| Don't touch things. Take them. | |
| I'm not kidding. The coronavirus of Wuhan. | |
| There's no coronavirus. You were at a Chinese restaurant. | |
| There we go. No. | |
| Leave. Leave the house. | |
| Leave the house. You don't need shoes. | |
| Apartments on the garage. Go. | |
| This is bullshit. Look, it's not bullshit. | |
| I'm not having the virus in my house. | |
| There's no virus. Look. | |
| Virus is fake news. | |
| Look, it's not fake news. Dillon's shoes. | |
| Watch. Dillon will be fine. | |
| We're going to decontaminate those shoes before we return them. | |