And I thought that was it, but I've identified another fear of mine.
I'm afraid of IKEA.
I'm afraid of IKEA because there's something about IKEA that gets in my brain and just makes me feel empty and sad and soulless inside.
Last I went to IKEA, my girlfriend woke me up in the middle of the night and goes, This is the true story.
I was like, what?
She goes, you're talking about Ikea.
I said, you don't want to go to Ikea.
In my sleep.
That's how much I don't want to go to Ikea.
People say, why do you hate Ikea so much?
The furniture is good.
The furniture is good.
It's good quality and it's a good cost.
And I understand the whole Ikea concept.
I see why they're successful.
I just don't want to go there.
I don't want to go.
I don't want to get lost in the maze.
I don't want to write down what I need.
I don't want to find it afterwards and put it on the tray.
I don't want to try and get everything in the car when it doesn't fit.
I don't want to come home.
I don't want to open flat pack furniture.
No one wants to put flat pack furniture together.
No one wants... I don't want to fuck around looking for that screw that's never there.
I don't... I don't want... The whole experience is just negative to me.
There's nothing about it that I enjoy.
And when I walk through 34 year old, 6 out of 10, who was hot when she was younger, who spent all her years doing cocaine and getting banged by someone else, who's now married some beta male loser.
And he's walking around with her and she's like, do you like these curtains?
What do you think of these curtains?
And he's like, yeah, they're all right.
And you see some dude, some unhappy guy being dragged around by his wife pretending he gives a fuck about the nuts.
He doesn't give a shit about the fucking bedside table!
He doesn't care he's asleep!
He doesn't care!
And you've taken this guy, he only works five days a week, fucking doing a job he hates, just to keep you in a house, you fucking dumb bitch.
And on his day off, you have to drag him to Ikea and force him to look at fucking bedside tables.
He doesn't fucking care!
He wants to leave like I want to leave!
There's no happy man in that place!
It's bullshit!
On top of that, they deliberately designed it like a maze.
And it's done on purpose, so you can't fucking get out.
It's claustrophobic.
I'm fucking, I'm in the middle of IKEA.
I found the one thing I need, and now I want to leave.
I'm a smart man.
I need a fucking GPS on my fucking phone.
Gotta load up fucking Google Maps to get the fuck out of the place.
It's bullshit.
I hate it.
I fucking hate IKEA.
Everything about the experience pisses me off.
Here's how I do IKEA.
I tell my girlfriend, go to IKEA and get what you want.
Find a handyman online and put it together.
I'm busy.
That's how IKEA is done.
I don't fucking step foot in that place ever.
Because the last time I did, I had genuine, literal nightmares.
Take shinkai.net.
The products on there, every single one of them is absolutely top quality.
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My fitness program, I don't go to the gym.
I stay in perfect condition with 30 minutes of exercise a day from home.
The fitness program allows you to stay in shape, without messing around, without driving to the gym, in the comfort of your own home for 30 minutes a day.
The chess program, you need to understand why chess must be mastered.
If you don't understand, watch the chess video.
As for the t-shirts, mugs, everything else, there's nothing better than walking around with a Tate t-shirt on and everyone knows you're not a bitch.