| Time | Text |
|---|---|
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Afraid of IKEA
00:02:54
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|
| Not much on earth I'm afraid of. | |
| I'm afraid of heights. | |
| And I thought that was it, but I've identified another fear of mine. | |
| I'm afraid of IKEA. | |
| I'm afraid of IKEA because there's something about IKEA that gets in my brain and just makes me feel empty and sad and soulless inside. | |
| Last I went to IKEA, my girlfriend woke me up in the middle of the night and goes, This is the true story. | |
| I was like, what? | |
| She goes, you're talking about Ikea. | |
| I said, you don't want to go to Ikea. | |
| In my sleep. | |
| That's how much I don't want to go to Ikea. | |
| People say, why do you hate Ikea so much? | |
| The furniture is good. | |
| The furniture is good. | |
| It's good quality and it's a good cost. | |
| And I understand the whole Ikea concept. | |
| I see why they're successful. | |
| I just don't want to go there. | |
| I don't want to go. | |
| I don't want to get lost in the maze. | |
| I don't want to write down what I need. | |
| I don't want to find it afterwards and put it on the tray. | |
| I don't want to try and get everything in the car when it doesn't fit. | |
| I don't want to come home. | |
| I don't want to open flat pack furniture. | |
| No one wants to put flat pack furniture together. | |
| No one wants... I don't want to fuck around looking for that screw that's never there. | |
| I don't... I don't want... The whole experience is just negative to me. | |
| There's nothing about it that I enjoy. | |
| And when I walk through 34 year old, 6 out of 10, who was hot when she was younger, who spent all her years doing cocaine and getting banged by someone else, who's now married some beta male loser. | |
| And he's walking around with her and she's like, do you like these curtains? | |
| What do you think of these curtains? | |
| And he's like, yeah, they're all right. | |
| And you see some dude, some unhappy guy being dragged around by his wife pretending he gives a fuck about the nuts. | |
| He doesn't give a shit about the fucking bedside table! | |
| He doesn't care he's asleep! | |
| He doesn't care! | |
| And you've taken this guy, he only works five days a week, fucking doing a job he hates, just to keep you in a house, you fucking dumb bitch. | |
| And on his day off, you have to drag him to Ikea and force him to look at fucking bedside tables. | |
| He doesn't fucking care! | |
| He wants to leave like I want to leave! | |
| There's no happy man in that place! | |
| It's bullshit! | |
| On top of that, they deliberately designed it like a maze. | |
| And it's done on purpose, so you can't fucking get out. | |
| It's claustrophobic. | |
| I'm fucking, I'm in the middle of IKEA. | |
| I found the one thing I need, and now I want to leave. | |
| I'm a smart man. | |
| I need a fucking GPS on my fucking phone. | |
| Gotta load up fucking Google Maps to get the fuck out of the place. | |
| It's bullshit. | |
| I hate it. | |
| I fucking hate IKEA. | |
| Everything about the experience pisses me off. | |
| Here's how I do IKEA. | |
| I tell my girlfriend, go to IKEA and get what you want. | |
| Find a handyman online and put it together. | |
| I'm busy. | |
| That's how IKEA is done. | |
| I don't fucking step foot in that place ever. | |
| Because the last time I did, I had genuine, literal nightmares. | |
| Take shinkai.net. | |
| The products on there, every single one of them is absolutely top quality. | |
|
Can't Get Out
00:00:29
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| We have the PhD course, which is guaranteed to change your perspective and change your dynamics with women. | |
| If you want more women, get the PhD course. | |
| My fitness program, I don't go to the gym. | |
| I stay in perfect condition with 30 minutes of exercise a day from home. | |
| The fitness program allows you to stay in shape, without messing around, without driving to the gym, in the comfort of your own home for 30 minutes a day. | |
| The chess program, you need to understand why chess must be mastered. | |
| If you don't understand, watch the chess video. | |
| As for the t-shirts, mugs, everything else, there's nothing better than walking around with a Tate t-shirt on and everyone knows you're not a bitch. | |