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March 25, 2025 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:17:05
#570 - Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler is a stand-up comedian, host and best-selling author. Her new special “The Feeling” is streaming now on Netflix. Chelsea Handler joins Theo to talk about surviving her wild adolescence, why not to give your date magic mushrooms, and the first time she got “the feeling”... Chelsea Handler: https://www.instagram.com/chelseahandler ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit  https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ  Morgan & Morgan: Visit https://forthepeople.com/THEO to see if you might have a case. Morgan and Morgan. America's Largest Injury Law Firm. ARMRA: Go to http://tryarmra.com/THEO or enter THEO to get 15% off your first order. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
Today's guest is a stand-up comedian.
She's an actress.
She's an author.
She just came out with her seventh book.
You know her from her Chelsea Lately series and just from being a force in the comedy world.
Her new special, The Feeling, is out now on Netflix.
I'm grateful to spend time with today's guest, Chelsea Handler.
Where are you from, Theo?
I'm from Louisiana.
I'm from Louisiana.
So not a lot of comedians.
Well, there are Mark Normand is a comedian out of Louisiana.
Oh, I'm in a space.
There's a bunch of guys.
Who are you with, WME?
Yeah, Michael Berkowitz.
Oh, yeah.
He's my agent, too.
He is?
Oh, wait.
He said that.
Yeah.
I just saw him the other day.
He came to a show in Pittsburgh.
Oh, yeah.
So every time agents are scared of losing you, they show up.
You notice that?
Yeah, for sure.
That's their jam.
Are you thinking about leaving WME?
No.
I mean, Mike is charming.
He's done great work for me.
Have you ever been at UTA?
So I just left UTA like six months ago for WME.
You did?
The owner of UTA?
Jeremy Zimmer.
Yeah.
One of those guys?
Yeah.
Yeah, Jeremy, I've known him for a few years.
Jeremy's a really neat guy.
Yeah.
He's very, there's nobody like him.
That's funny.
I got after the Oscar parties on the morning after, I switched out of my heels into a pair of sneakers Oscar night for the parties.
I wanted to go to Guy's party and I wanted to dance.
And so I got a, Dougie, come here.
Doug, come.
Doug, come.
Doug.
Doug, I feel like he's looking for a place to pee.
Come over here.
Is he?
No.
He could pee by me if he needs to.
They just took out, well, hopefully he will during that interview.
That'll be perfect.
He sent me a text and he's like, I have your shoes from last night.
I didn't see Jeremy Zimmer.
I have no idea how he had my shoes.
I had just left his agency.
I was like, well, thank you very much.
And he's like, can I send these to an address?
And I was like, just keep them.
I don't really need them anymore.
They were just for the night.
So that's funny.
Yeah.
Jeremy Zimmer is very unique.
He's a great speaker, too.
He's a great, he's able to speak and think at the same time really well.
That's something that I really admire about him.
What was I going to ask you about?
Oh, good to see you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You look great.
Have we ever seen each other before?
I came on your show a couple times when you had Chelsea Lately show.
Oh, really?
I was so nervous.
Were you?
Oh, yeah.
God, I don't even remember.
That's okay.
Yeah.
So many comics were on my show that I don't even remember meeting.
That's so crazy.
So many people came on my show and were interviewed by me that I don't remember.
So when I run into these people, I always say, hi, it's nice to meet you.
And they're like, you've interviewed me like several times.
And I'm like, well, it's great to see you again.
Do you think, was it because were you drinking or was it just because you were, it was just time was just hectic?
Just interviewing thousands of people.
It's impossible to remember everyone.
No, I typically didn't drink during my show.
Would you ever, though?
Because sometimes life just gets so stressful.
I mean, I'll drink when I'm performing on stage because that's kind of nighttime, eight o'clock.
You know, that I don't have a problem with.
Not wasted, but have a cocktail before I go on.
Yeah.
Yeah, I like that.
But during the daytime, it's kind of an unnecessary thing.
And when you're shooting, when you're filming a show at three in the afternoon, really not necessary.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I get, yeah.
I can't remember if I even had a drink at that.
I was so nervous.
I remember like some of the lines I said I couldn't get them right.
And I was like, I was like immensely nervous at that time.
Yeah, but you had so many comics on.
That was like the tonight show for a while for comedians.
I mean, it boosted a lot of careers.
It launched a lot of careers.
Yeah.
It felt like did a lot of, I mean, Michael Yo, Chris Frangela.
I mean, Joe Coy.
Joe Coy, Fortune Feemster.
Allie Wong was on that show.
Who else?
Kevin Hart.
Kevin Hart was on the round table before he blew up.
Kevin was on the round table a bunch of times before he blew up.
And then he was like, all right, I'm done with the roundtable.
I'm a guest.
And I was like, who the fuck does this guy think he is?
And then, of course, I was like, good for you.
You are a guest now, you know?
But yeah, tons of people.
Oh, yeah.
So, I mean, and I hate to like just miss some people's names.
Ross Matthews.
Yeah.
He was a big part of that show, too, I remember.
Or that's kind of what it, because then he got a spinoff of his own show from your show, didn't he?
Yeah, I produced it.
The Ross Matthews show and Whitney Cummings.
Yeah, I love Ross.
A lot of people.
Yeah, I just saw Ross in New York City.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's one of a kind.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He just like, I don't know.
I could never see him and not just feel better.
I feel like.
Yeah, he's an uplifter for sure.
He's like infectious.
But yeah, I was so nervous.
I got so nervous because I think also like they, you would come out and you didn't kind of, or I didn't know you.
And so like, I didn't get to say hello or anything.
And I was just hyper nervous.
And yeah, that was, that was definitely tougher back then for me just to be in like those type of environments.
Did you ever have a talk show that you went on early where you were just like, or some sort of thing you went on where you're like, I can't handle this?
Or were you always?
No, always.
Yeah.
I mean, diarrhea.
You know what I mean?
Like, you know, remember when you, like, I used to do Leno before I was like a correspondent on Leno.
I mean, I would like literally, I'm not even, I don't pray and I would pray every, I'd be like, just please let me do well.
Let me do well.
I'd be on my knees in the dressing room.
Like, can everyone get out really quick?
Cause I don't want anyone to see me praying also.
So I would get down on my knees and be like, please, please, please, let's, I mean, I did that up until probably, I don't know, 10 years ago, five years ago, until I finally, I'm solid in my footing enough to know I'm going to do a good job.
When you do something for so long, you understand what the mechanics are.
And even if it's a shitty situation, if you have a right attitude, it's going to be good.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, definitely.
It changes.
Like now I feel more confident in a lot of situations.
Some conversations I still get nervous in, but not like when I'm going on stage and stuff.
Now I know I've just done it enough times where I can handle it.
So that, yeah, some things do start to evolve.
Thank God.
I remember being in like a really little audition room when I first went in.
It was over at E. They were auditioning for something.
And I was like, can we open the window?
I was like, and it was like kind of a little room, but it was like, and they, it was windows they didn't let up.
So the assistants over there trying to open it, like doesn't open.
And nothing was helping me.
I was like, can we open the door?
And it was just, it was horrible.
I had some rough ones early on.
With so many comedians who tried to get on your show, was there a lot of lobbying that happened like behind the scenes?
Like, did comedian like friends, like, or people try to infiltrate your space?
Do you feel like to try to get those positions?
Because that was such a coveted spot to be on Chelsea lately.
Yeah, it's funny you say that.
I don't really remember that.
I had such a team of people around me.
It's like that, that were, those were the people, like you're not coming to me saying, can I come on your show?
Like, that wasn't really a thing.
It was more about the bookers probably were dealing with that.
And other comedians would go to the bookers, but nobody really bothered me with that, like, you know, this person wants to come on.
Can you do me a favor?
It wasn't like that.
I probably didn't give off the air that that would be that very, that, that welcome.
You know, like, I didn't want to deal with that shit.
I was dealing with enough shit.
There's enough fucking people.
We were like a big fraternity party.
All we did was play practical jokes on each other all day.
It was one of the most unprofessional environments I've ever been a part of.
And I fucking loved it, you know?
So anything that would slightly annoy me at that time, I had very little tolerance for.
So nobody would be jockeying with me because I hated that.
Like when I'd put up my stand-up dates, I'd be like, okay, I'm doing a Torah for this book or whatever.
And I'd put it up on the wall.
And all the comics that worked on Chelsea lately, the writers would have first, they could decide if they wanted to open for me, you know, and they'd sign up on the wall.
Like, I'm going doing Kansas City.
I'm doing St. Louis.
And when that happened and they would go at it and jockey for that, like I would, I had no, I don't like that.
I don't like competitiveness.
I don't like when people are like, no, I want to do this.
So like, I think everyone knew not to fuck around with that.
I don't like when people are acting like that, gamesmanship, you know?
So you pick up on it probably pretty quick, I would guess.
And I'd also ignore it easily.
Like I'm not, I'm, that's not of an interest of mine.
So yeah.
But people would come on.
If they didn't do well, they'd get a second chance, maybe.
Sometimes they bomb really badly and then, you know, there's nothing you can do.
And people were really nervous and there's nothing I can do about that either, you know?
Like you're either going to sink or swim.
So you're, you have to kind of, when you're in that situation and you're running a show and it's your name on it, you kind of just have to, you have to understand some people, if you felt bad for every single person who didn't do well, you're not succeeding either.
Yeah, you'll be a therapist at that point.
Right.
Yeah.
The feeling, I watched some of the feeling.
I love like, what's one of the line you had early in it?
It was like, even at seven, I was looking for a bar.
I think that's one of the lines you have in it.
Yes.
About just being young.
It seemed like you were born, like I could relate to it so much, like immediately, even though in some of the stories you start telling in the new special, it's like you are a adult.
I was born as a woman.
Yes.
Yeah.
When I was born, I was pissed.
I was pissed and I was a woman.
And I felt like I was trapped in a little baby's body that was chubby and being tossed around like some sort of party favor.
And I wanted to be a businesswoman.
I realized right away that my family was not going to cut it.
Incompetent employees.
Incompetent.
Too many people already.
There were like five other kids.
I'm like, where are these fucking kids coming from?
No union.
Why, why?
Yeah.
Unions.
Yeah, exactly.
I wanted to head up a union.
And I just couldn't believe the lack of like a savings account or financial plan.
And my dad seemed like he was a bit of a hot mess.
My mom was sleeping a lot.
And I just was like, this family is not up to stuff.
Like I had bigger ideas for myself.
Yes.
I could relate to that so much.
Like I just felt like I was born into a place where like, it was almost like I was born into like a job, like a job position that I didn't apply for.
And there was no like clear rules of employment on the wall.
The hours were super fucking vague.
You didn't exactly know who was in charge, but you had to be at work every day.
That's kind of like how I felt.
So when you were talking about that, some of the early stories you're talking about, I could just relate to that so much.
Yeah, my dad was also like, I had such a mouth on me from such a young age because I really did feel like a woman.
I wanted to, I was like, when am I, when do I get to get out of here?
Like, where's my apartment?
I want to start working.
Like, I wanted to start a business.
And my dad couldn't understand.
He was like, who is this little cunt?
Like, why won't you shut the fuck up?
And I mean, and he tried everything to like bring me down, you know?
So we would butthead, not bring me down, but keep me in my place.
Like put me in my place.
Like, no girl talks like this.
You're too loud.
You're too abrasive and all of these things.
And meanwhile, my dad was all of those things, loud, abrasive.
It's like, that's where I got it from.
But so we didn't, we did not see eye to eye for a very long time.
Was there, um, was there moments when you were a kid that you actually did feel like a kid?
Like when you kind of look back, right?
Like, cause I always felt kind of like wet cement.
I felt like I was always having to manage myself.
There was so much going on, like on the inside and outside.
I never felt like super reliable in my own footing and stuff.
But when you look back on your own life, were there moments where you actually felt like, okay, I was just kind of a kid there, you know, as opposed to being like the, like somebody who had to be on top of everything?
Like, does that make any sense to you?
Yeah, of course.
No, I definitely felt like a kid.
Like I was, you know, I was a kid.
I had all those kid experiences, but there was always a sense of when you're the youngest of six children, how many kids do you have in your family?
Yeah, we had four.
And you're the, what, I'm the second one.
Okay.
But it was bad.
I mean, it was just, our family was just weird.
But, but yeah, I knew you were the last one.
Yeah.
And when you're the last one, you are, you absorb, first of all, you grow up in two seconds because everyone else is fucking and smoking weed and you're hearing conversations that little children aren't supposed to hear.
So you're mature right away because you're like, oh, yeah.
Like, you know, I knew about anal sex when I was like six.
I was like, God, I can't wait to try that.
You know, like you're just mature in different ways.
And, you know, not that anal is a sign of maturity, but, you know, it's one sign of just knowing too much too soon.
It's considered a vacation in some religions.
Well, yeah, and for some people.
But I definitely had childlike experiences for sure.
And I had my brothers and sisters were all pretty tight.
So they kind of did raise me and they kind of brought me along with them.
It's many like different things.
But I was always ahead of my age group.
And even when I dated guys in high school, like it was illegal, the men that I was dating.
You know, they were in their 20s and I was a teenager.
Like I could totally put them in jail for statutory rape, except I seduced all of them.
You know, there's nothing I would ever do.
It's like, it's my fault.
When people are like, it's not your fault.
These men should never have been with a girl that age.
I'm like, you don't understand what I was like when I was fucking 16. I was like 45. So they didn't have a chance.
Like young menopause.
That's kind of crazy.
That's hilarious.
do you what was like a first date that you remember?
Do you remember going on like a first date with somebody?
I remember going to Martha's Vineyard.
I was, my parents had a summer house in Martha's Vineyard.
That makes it sound like we were really wealthy.
We were.
I heard you say that on your special list.
Yeah, my dad just was a used car dealer, so I'm not even sure how he got that house, but he got it.
And he, my sister and I went, oh, there was this guy.
His name was Justin Chu, I believe.
Japanese guy?
No, no, American.
He looked like Brad Pitt.
That's what was so interesting about the whole thing.
So he was at this hotel in Martha's Vineyard, and I would go there.
I was like probably 10, but passing as like 15, 16. Long 10, a tall.
Yeah, 10. I had boobs.
Everything was coming together great.
And I would go to this hotel pool and just like cruise, you know, for guys.
Like at 10 years old, I was like, I got to find a boyfriend, you know, and who are these other people that are on vacation?
And this guy looked like Brad Pitt.
He was so good looking.
And I was, you know, flirting with him.
And, oh, no, maybe I was, maybe I was 11, maybe I was 12. I don't know.
I probably wasn't 10, but I was young, young, too young to be on a date, probably.
And I went on a date with him and a very, you know, like innocent date.
Where'd y'all go?
Do you remember?
Do you just go for a walk?
You just went out somewhere in Martha's Vineyard.
Like there was a lot of kids hanging around at night.
So I'm sure we were just like walking through Main Street or something.
Kennedys or something.
Something pretty, something pretty innocent.
And then he kissed me when I came back.
He kissed me and he put his tongue in my mouth.
And I had never been more repulsed in my life.
My sister picked me up.
My older sister Simone picked me up at the Harbor View Hotel.
And I got in the car and I'm like, I'm a lesbian.
I can't believe how disgusting that was.
I can't believe some man just put his tongue in my mouth.
And she's like, everyone thinks that the first time, like, you're going to like that when you're older.
You're just too young.
And I'm like, I'll never like that.
And I'm a lesbian.
And she's like, you're not going to like what that entails either.
Like, if you didn't like a tongue in your mouth, you're certainly not going to like a pussy in your mouth.
So she wasn't wrong.
I do like men and I've continued to like them since that time.
But yeah, it was a, it wasn't a, yeah.
And then after that, I was very fast.
You know, like I started having boyfriends when I was 13, 14 years old, having sex like when I was 14, 15 years old.
And then I just went off the rails pretty much.
My teenage years were like pregnant, stuff like that.
But you got pregnant?
Yeah.
Oh, dang.
And oh, wow.
You did it more than once.
That's all it seemed like a pretty, you know, a lot for like a younger person.
But did they, and how did you, what do you do back then if you're pregnant?
You get an abortion.
You do.
No.
That's when they were legal.
Like cider house rules style or would you?
No, no.
My parents basically were like, come with us.
You're getting an abortion.
And I was like, what do you mean?
What state do they do it in?
Any state.
It was legal everywhere.
Like, you know, it was Massachusetts.
So I got an abortion there.
I think I got one in New Jersey too.
I had a couple of abortions with the same boyfriend each time.
It was the same guy.
But my parents were horrified by my behavior.
They were like, I was excited.
The first time I got pregnant, I'm like, this is great.
I'll have a baby.
Hopefully it will be twins.
Like I can raise a family.
I had a black boyfriend.
I was like, Tyshawn.
Meanwhile, he ended up going to prison for 10 years for being a drug dealer.
Did he do it?
Was he a drug dealer?
Yeah.
And so I was just that kind of teenager, really out of control, really rebellious.
My brother died when I was nine.
And then like after that period of time, I was just the, I was rebellious, like mad, angry, and no outlet, you know?
And so I just did anything I could to piss my parents off, especially my father.
I had a like a specific issue with him.
Yeah.
So do you, you said earlier that maybe you felt like like, do you, you feel like you turned into your father, though, a little bit sometimes?
Do you ever think like that?
No, I'm the opposite of my father.
Oh, you are?
Oh, yeah.
My father was dishonest.
My father was a bit of a shyster.
I'm very honest.
I'm very truthful.
I'm very generous with money, with anything I have.
I want to help people.
He was very selfish.
He wouldn't give money away.
He would try to cheat people for money.
So he wasn't like a criminal, but he wasn't morally bound to like being a good guy.
You know what I mean?
He was just a little, but he was also, you know, he was a family man.
He loved, we were never short on love.
There was neglect, but it wasn't like I felt unloved.
I just was very upset, A, that my brother died.
My father fell apart after that.
That was really upsetting.
So it was like two men in a row that just like ditched me.
And then after that, I just, I just was filled with anger and I didn't have any outlet.
I didn't have any therapy.
So I just became very rebellious.
But my brothers and sisters and my mother always knew I would be okay.
Like my mom's like, just my dad's name was Seymour.
And she's like, Seymour, he'd be like, something's wrong with her.
Something is wrong with her head.
And my mom would be like, she's okay.
She's just too smart for her own good.
Like she's a little kid.
She's trapped in this little kid body and she's like an adult.
And my dad's like, but I don't, he couldn't relate, you know?
And my mom would be like, she's going to be fine.
Like, you know, she's going to grow up and shake it out.
And then once I started becoming successful and really turned my, like, you know, that period was just my teenage years.
And then I got my shit together.
As soon as I left my family, I drove across country when I was 19. And alone or you took somebody with you?
I took, this is, well, this is a great story in my, I picked up this guy.
This is actually in my book, which I just found out is number one on the New York Times bestseller list.
Oh, congratulations.
My seventh book.
My seventh book.
That's right.
So that's exciting.
So I know.
I didn't even go to college.
So, but that just shows you, you know, what you can accomplish if you really fucking focus on something.
So I went across country.
My brother Glenn said, hey, I was driving across country.
I was going to move to LA to become famous.
Okay.
And I was like, okay, it's time.
I had gone to two semesters at community college.
I'm like, that's enough.
This is not a good use of anyone's time.
Like, this is a waste of money.
I don't care about this.
I'm going to, I want to go to California.
So my brother Glenn called me and said, I met a guy at a bar last night and he's going to drive with you across country since you're 19 and you're alone.
And my dad had given me one Of his used Audi Quattros.
And he said, You shouldn't be driving alone.
Right.
And I was like, Okay, that's that sounds reasonable.
So I picked up this guy.
He was like 26 or 27 years old.
He was the same size I was.
And he said, Do you want to go to Harlem?
I want to pick up a bunch of cocaine.
Yeah, brother.
Let's fucking go.
And I was like, Oh, I'm like, Harlem sounds fun.
A, like, I was never allowed to go to Harlem growing up, you know, and I'd go in the city.
I'd go to like clubs in the limelight.
I never went to Harlem.
That was supposed to be really dangerous.
But of course, I wanted to go to Harlem.
So I was like, okay, I wasn't really into cocaine at the time.
I've definitely dabbled in cocaine, but at that time in my life, I was too young.
I didn't really.
So I go to Harlem.
I dropped this guy off from outside some crack house.
Right.
I'm sitting there.
This is my first night driving across country.
Pit stop in Harlem.
He comes out with a bag of cocaine that was, that I've only seen like in movies.
Like the side, the amount of cocaine was like something you see, you saw on Scarface.
Yeah, like a movie amount.
Yeah, exactly.
And I'm like, oh my God.
And then he just starts doing the cocaine while we're driving.
And we're driving through Maryland.
You know, there's three highways you can take across country.
We were, I think, taking the 66. So that's the lowest, the most southerly route.
So we're driving along and this guy's doing lots of cocaine off of his keys, credit card.
No, I'm driving and he's in the passenger seat.
And, you know, keep in mind the amount of cocaine, I was like, well, this doesn't seem right.
And he's even reaching over and touching on me.
No, no, no, nothing like that.
Nothing like that.
I actually suspected he was gay.
He wasn't, he wasn't, it wasn't about that.
We, he starts talking and doesn't stop talking.
And I, and we're five hours into this three-day road trip.
And I'm like, this guy is a fucking mess.
And then we're in Maryland and we're driving through, I think, D.C. and there was all this construction.
And we get to Maryland.
And I was like, you know what?
We're going to go to like a Howard Johnson.
Let's get a room.
I was broke.
He was broke.
I said, let's just get a room.
We'll get a room with two beds.
We get in the room.
He's got maps, like multiple maps.
This was before navigation and all that shit, right?
It's like the year before all of that came out.
Yeah, when everybody was like, they were going to war or whatever.
So there's maps.
But more than one map.
It's like, how many maps do you need to follow one highway across the country?
Like this fucking eight-ball Magellan over here.
Yeah.
Totally.
Putting it all together.
See, I sent many maps.
Yeah.
I was like, what's up with the maps?
And then I was like, and he was like pointing out national parks that we could go to.
He's like, we could go here.
And I was like, hey, listen, Miracle Ear, we're not fucking on vacation.
I'm trying to get to California to become a celebrity.
I don't have time for your fucking Yellowstone National Park.
We're not going there.
Like, we're not retiring.
This is not our, we're not a couple.
And he didn't, it's like anything I said, he couldn't hear because he was so fucked up.
So I go to sleep.
I wake up in the morning.
This guy had been up all night long.
Yeah.
He had been doing Coke all night.
He looked like Gary Busey.
He was going on and on.
And I was like, okay.
I said, hold on a second.
His bag was still in the car because he didn't even bring it in beside because he wasn't going to sleep.
I said, hold on.
I'll be right back.
I went to the parking lot.
I took his suitcase out of my car, put it down in the parking lot and got in the car and drove away and drove across country by myself and left him in Maryland.
And the next thing I heard was that he had to take a taxi from Maryland to New Jersey for five hours.
And then, of course, I called my brother to thank him for his great judgment and for being such an overprotective brother.
Yeah.
Yeah, to set somebody up with somebody like that.
That's all geeked out.
Dude, I would have been fucking eating my own teeth, man.
Yeah.
So it's really annoying to be around someone who's on cocaine when you're not on cocaine.
Yeah.
And then in Amarillo, Texas, I got pulled over by a state trooper who had a German shepherd with him, one of those drug dogs.
And the dog went absolutely bat shit as soon as he came close to my trunk.
So the dog was jumping around, fucking going crazy.
And I'm like, oh my God, I've got residue.
I've got coke in the cigar.
I'm sure I'm going to go to fucking Texas state prison because of this wombat that I just dropped off in Maryland.
So luckily, I didn't get arrested.
They didn't find any cocaine, but it was very suspicious.
Like I'm sitting there on the freeway and trucks are whizzing past me.
And I'm like, and the cop's like, stand 20 feet away from the car.
And he's got one of those big state trooper hats on.
So that was a, that was a big shit show, but it was a, it was a great example of knowing to get rid of dead weight.
You know what I mean?
Like, I was like, I'm going to California.
You are not going to bring me down.
Get out of my car and get out of my life.
Yeah.
Dang.
Yeah.
I had one night in New York years ago where I was a drive.
I was a taxi driver.
He gets some Coke.
I end up driving the taxi.
I was so high.
This was years ago.
You were a taxi driver?
He was.
He picked me up.
We both started doing cocaine together.
I saw Andy Cohen in the bathroom in the morning.
I was going on OP and it wasn't OP and OP and Jim.
Opie and Jim Norton the next morning.
And I get in there.
I was out of my brain.
I get in.
I stayed up all night.
God.
And I get in there and the other guest on the show that day was Daryl Strawberry, who was sober.
He'd gone through cocaine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And he, and I could barely even talk.
And I remember I was in the bathroom there peeing.
There I am right there on the right, just geeked out of my.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
You look so different.
First of all, Daryl Strawberry, that was the 1986 Mets.
All those guys were on fucking Coke.
All of them.
Lenny Dykstra, Daryl Strawberry, Mookie Wilson, all of those guys.
God, I was definitely, I was spooky Wilson.
That is really funny.
I was playing third base for my own brain right there.
I wasn't doing real good.
I can't believe that athletes would do cocaine and then be athletic.
Like, talk about a recipe for a fucking heart attack.
And they used to do it all the time, it seemed like.
How do you run for balls when you're on cocaine?
Like, that's.
I think if you practice doing it some, I think you would get good at it probably.
I think it's the...
Well, it's the sporadicness of not practicing and then just doing it willy-nilly like some guy who's playing for like his like refrigeration volley, you know, softball team or something.
I think that's when it's bad.
Yeah, maybe.
I'm high as a Georgia Point.
Oh, yeah, that was that.
There was that one guy that did LSD.
That would be good for sports.
I love LSD.
Yeah.
Yeah, I love micro-dosing LSD to put some fucking pep in your step.
Like if you're really, really struggling and you're having like, your schedule's crazy and insane, LSD is the thing.
I take LSD all the time.
Really?
I love it.
A microdose.
What is there a type of, so how much is a microdose of LSD?
I have a sheet of like 370 hits.
I get all my drugs in Canada.
I have a house in Whistler and drugs are legal there.
And it's like you don't have to worry about any fucked up shit in Canada my friends who make that like who put who gave I get that are doctors one's a therapist one's a neurobiologist they actually get the cleanest stuff like they get MDMA and they'll put it in capsules and you'll get a microdose of like 50 milligrams of MDMA which is awesome because that's like just being in a good mood you know what I mean you're not over the top right you're not licking people and stuff you're shaking hands and being normal and you're like this is a great time I feel like dancing I like you you know LSD same thing just an upper like
a pick-me-up you know um you're not hallucinating but you're just like up like a kind of like a psilocybin like microdose so I find that stuff to be very helpful and aiding with my schedule you know like I do a lot of talking I'm sure you feel the same way it's pretty much a ton of travel a ton of talking and a ton of kind of expending energy you know what I mean and absorbing other people's energy yeah so I want to be in a fucking high vibe mood yeah you don't realize how much it is you don't realize like I would do meet and
greets after shows for like years just go out there for just and just do them and it just like I had like a breakdown a couple years ago I just was completely burnt like and I just kept doing it I thought I wasn't working hard enough that was my own take of it I was like oh you're just not working hard enough but I didn't realize I just burned myself to like the end of the bowl you know oh absolutely yeah those meet and greets will get you did you ever have a time where you got pretty burnt out I mean you've had a pretty I mean you've had an insane schedule for probably 25 years except for when you've taken breaks yeah I took a six-year break after Chelsea lately
and after like I didn't do stand-up for six years that was that was the biggest break I've taken but I was I just went so hard you know at both ends I was touring I was doing my show I was writing books just constantly and I loved the idea that I had this amount of energy I loved when people were like how the fuck does she fly in Monday morning tape four shows and then go do five shows in a weekend and I loved that adulation like I got addicted to like the fact that I was that strong of a horse you know what I mean yeah
and then once I left Chelsea lately I was like I was so over just working but then I got roped in not roped in Netflix made me a really amazing offer I thought I was gonna take a break you did a ton of episodes of that too I did yeah first I did documentaries I did a documentary series so that was kind of a break because that was a lighter schedule and then I went into that show and then that show never really like I went back to work before I was ready to go back to work so that show never really felt like I was in my right you know zone like in my flow state so
that show was like an example of don't just fucking work because someone's offering you the job you know what I mean you got to have your ducks in a row and understand when you need time off when you don't and without the time off there is no creativity I need the time off to be able to like have something to fucking say yeah so now since I've been back to stand up after that six-year break uh this will be my probably fourth third special in like four years and so I'm into it now I'm back into it because I do have something to say now you know but
it's important like when you are creative and you are like sharing for a living like talking you know you sometimes you're out of fucking gas and the breaks are as important as the work yeah it's it's that's been a tough thing to learn because especially when you're so self-motivated and you've done all you like have always been like I can do this I'll figure it out I'll find a way it's really hard to start to use the brakes you know and use them to your own advantage also you're so you want to grab everything when you can grab it you know
it's like oh wait I get this offer I can't say no to this this is a I'm going to be even more successful I'm going to da da da and there's an addiction component to that and you're like well wait a second you can say no to things things come back around you have to like it takes a while to get to know what you're capable of and what you're not and what's going to like deplete your energy because you know when you're pissed and you're burnt out what there's you're no good you know to anybody especially yourself so it's it's hard when we're in this business because it's like you can feel like feast or famine you can be like oh
my god i'm getting all these opportunities and i've certainly had times in my life where i wasn't getting a lot of opportunities and i'm like well fuck why aren't i doing that and it's like well because your attitude sucks you know because you didn't take good care of yourself and now you're pissed and now you're bitter you got to get back to being happy and magnetic and like attracting good stuff and then you get good stuff so it really is about like adjusting your attitude being grateful you have to be fucking grateful as corny as that can seem to certain people you have to be grateful at the opportunities that are coming your way and
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Was there, you've had a good experience with drugs over the years, you know?
I mean, you've talked about drinking over the years.
You talked about using LSD a little bit ago.
Did you ever have a time where you went sober?
You tried it?
Like, did you ever try recovery meetings?
You ever tried that kind of stuff?
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
I've been, you know.
Have you ever been interventioned or whatever?
No, Jane Fonda, this is a story I write about in my book, which is Jane Fonda once called me over to her house and I had been to her birthday party and I was out of my mind.
I don't remember what drugs I was on.
It could have been anything.
And I was rude.
I was dark.
I was like, you know, insulting people.
And she had given me the cold shoulder for a couple of months.
And she summoned me to my house, her house, basically said, I want to have dinner with you.
And I was like, what's this?
This seems a little stern, this email, but it's Jane Fonda, who I respect.
And I was like, okay.
And I went to her house and she basically read me and was like, you were terrible at my party.
You offended people.
People were like not happy about what you said to them.
And you were dark and moody.
And why would you ever come out when you were in that kind of headspace?
And I was like, like I was like, fuck shit, fuck shit.
And mortified, mortified.
But at the same time, I was also so grateful that she fucking took the time to be honest with me to have a difficult.
Most people don't go out of their way to have a difficult conversation with someone and tell them the truth.
Like to me, that was an example of sisterhood, you know, like that was her being a sister.
And when I was writing my book, it was, it was like one of the, one of the tentpoles of my book is like, I want all women to be fucking sisters to each other, you know, it's like this book is for girls and daughters and girlfriends and mothers, you know, like to remind each other, like you got to tell people the truth, you know, you've got to be honest with people.
If someone's going through a bad time and they're close to you and they're important to you, and even for me as a woman, it doesn't matter if they're close to me.
It matters that I'm a woman.
You're a woman.
I've got your back.
I'm going to tell you the truth.
And I would do that for a stranger.
So for her to do that and kind of like model that to me, that, that, that conversation and I, I was like, that's, that's the kind of woman I'm going to be.
Like, I'm going to tell people the truth, you know?
So I value that.
Obviously now we're many years beyond that.
And she and I are still friends and she knows about the book because she had to sign off on it.
But yeah, like I liked it.
And I'm glad I had enough wherewithal when she was telling me about my bad behavior that I wasn't defensive.
Wow.
I wasn't like, it was this person or blame.
I just took it on and said, you're absolutely right.
I'm so sorry.
You'll never have to speak to me again.
So that was the closest thing to an intervention, but I've definitely overused drugs and alcohol at certain times in my life.
But once I got the message, I dialed it back.
You know, you got to some, I don't ever want to have to give anything up.
So if there's ever an issue, I reel it in.
You know, if there's ever been an issue, I always am like, okay, take a month off of this, get, get, get grounded again.
And, you know, don't smoke cigarettes, don't smoke pot, don't drink, whatever it is that I'm having an issue with.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Did you, what was the first concert that you ever went to?
Do you remember going to that?
John Bon Jovi.
I'm from New Jersey.
God, dude.
My first song I ever heard, a lady took me to YMCA summer camp, right?
I don't remember if she had breasts or not, but I think she did, right?
And I remember.
I bet she did have breasts.
I bet she did.
So she sounds like she had breasts.
I bet she did.
And I'll say this, we got in the car and I had never had a woman drive me somewhere before.
So it was my first time.
Like, I think I remember it so deeply because it was like my first time going somewhere with a girl that wasn't my mom, right?
And what do you mean you've never had a girl drive you?
What are you from North Korea?
What are you talking about?
I just mean you had never been driven by I was a child.
No woman.
Yeah, we didn't know my mom didn't have any, like we didn't.
How old were you?
I was probably nine or something, or maybe 11. It wasn't like last week or anything.
Yeah, I was like nine or 11. And she leaned over and she put my seatbelt on me and I was like, oh, this is crazy, dude.
And it was like the, I think, you know, I think when you're a kid like that and she played, Johnny used to work on the ducks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I just was like, play it again, play it again.
Oh, yeah.
Anyway, I just, yeah, I've never been to Bon Jovi, but I just remember.
John Bon Jovi inducted me into the Jersey Hall of Fame.
No fucking way, dude.
Yeah.
Who has better hair, you think, right now?
Pull him up.
You were John Bon Jovi?
You were JBJ.
Oh, well, his hair is different now.
Yeah, yeah, his hair is different now.
But his face when he was younger, I mean, he's still pretty hot, but his face when he was younger was just fucking so hot.
Look at him.
Look how hot he is.
Did you try to make a move on him or no?
When I went to his concert.
I mean, I was like 16 years old.
Oh, no.
It was like a video message.
It wasn't like we were together.
It was during COVID.
Yeah.
So, no.
I've met him, though.
I've hung out with him.
He's a nice guy.
He's happily married.
I try not to hit on married men, you know?
Yeah.
Just out of respect for marriage.
I think that's important.
What is, are you still dating a lot of brothers?
I see you brought a brother here today.
My black, this and my black lover.
Am I still?
No, I haven't, I haven't had a thing, you know?
Well, yeah.
Is that offensive to ask you to?
I'm sorry.
No, it's not offensive.
I mean, I do.
I like all men.
It doesn't matter if they're black or brown or white or gray.
I like old men.
I like young men.
I like black guys.
I've never dated an Indian guy.
That's pretty much the only thing area I haven't delved into.
But Asian, Joe Coi was Asian.
I think, Joe Coi, you called Joe Coi once.
Yes, and you gave me some advice, actually.
I do.
We were trying to figure out your poster for your Netflix special.
And Joe Coi and I were in New York City, I think, and you called him.
Thank you.
Yeah.
You know what?
I forgot about that.
I remembered it before, but I forgot about it recently.
But thank you for that.
Yeah, I said, which one?
And you said, this is the one because you want people to notice it and think about it.
And that's the one I ended up.
Oh, appreciate it.
I love that.
But that's probably the same thing.
I was kind of thinking about it.
I just wasn't sure.
So thank you.
Oh, yeah.
It was nice of you.
Are you good friends with Joe Koi?
We're good buddies, I think.
We don't talk all the time.
But he's just always.
Supportive.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's a real supportive guy.
He's so full of supportive.
And Filipinos are like that.
I'm not trying to generalize Filipinos, but first of all, Filipinos are some of the last people that most people see when they're dying, right?
Because they are hospice.
They work in hospice.
So a lot of times the last person you'll see when you die is a Filipino.
So it's crazy.
You'll have like some people might be racist, but then they're just gleaming into the eyes of a warm Filipino as a crossover.
Filipinos are very good at caretaking.
And our hospitals are filled with them.
Thank God.
Yeah, yeah.
But Joe Coy typically isn't the last person you see when you die.
There are other Filipinos.
I don't want people to think that it's only Joe Coy.
There are other Filipinos out there that you will run into.
Yeah.
Unless he starts working in a hospital.
Which he could, though.
He could.
He stays busy.
A lot of Filipinos too have good names like Sonny or Grace.
Yeah, yeah.
You even get like a very happy American branch of their name.
That's true, right?
Yeah.
I would love to be Filipino.
I've said this before.
I think if God is willing to let me do it again or whatever, I would like to do Filipino.
Really?
Yeah, I'd do Filipino or Mexican.
What about, do you like, what is it about the food?
Is it about the culture?
Just the joy.
Joy.
I think the sheer just living, just like looking at a living fucking Easter every time you see a Filipino, they're just, they're just like that.
It's just like, they just seem so good on the inside.
And then Mexican, I just think I'm ready for it.
And then after that.
I can see you being Mexican.
Thank you.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Yeah.
And then after that, I would go black.
I would probably go black after that.
I'm going to let it kind of pan out a little more.
And then I would get over there and do that for sure.
If they would have me, I think you almost have to like apply like.
To be a Filipino or Mexican?
To be black.
They don't want everybody.
Oh, no, no.
Pat Williams is like, we're a little bit particular about, you know, not particular, but don't just come over here without kind of talking to us about it first.
No, I hear that.
Yeah, I hear that.
Did you hear them talking about black men?
Is that why you're up?
Is that why you're up?
That's kind of what he employed.
After having dated black men, what suggestions would you offer to white men?
Is there any way to correlate any of that?
Black men in general, and this is a generalization, seem to appreciate women like me more than white men.
There seems to be a disconnect between strong, powerful white men and strong, powerful white women.
There feels like I'm a lot of woman.
I say what I want to say.
I do what I want to do.
And that for some reason threatens a lot of men.
There's a certain type of men that don't like that.
They think I'm too loud or I'm too brass or, but I'm just acting like a man.
You know, I'm not acting like anything.
I'm acting like myself.
And it's similar to what a man would do, which would be fine.
And there's something about black men that like that.
They think that's cute and they're turned on by my outrageousness or the fact that I don't give a fuck or that I want, you know, that I'll say the thing.
And so I like that.
So there doesn't feel like such an imbalance.
There's definitely like a cultural thing where black men, it kind of, it feels like they appreciate that kind of thing more.
And so that's attractive, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
As a woman, you want to be desired and you want men who want to have sex with you and are like turned on by your strength, not emasculated by your strength.
You know, like my, my strength shouldn't make you feel weak.
It should make you feel strong.
Right.
That's how I think.
Like I want men to feel strong around me, not weak.
Right.
Right.
Like, look at my strong woman here.
Yeah.
Look, I'm look how strong.
I have a strong woman.
That means I'm a strong man, that I'm confident, that I have my ego in check.
But there's a lot of men that think they want a woman like that is outspoken and sure of herself and successful.
But then when it comes down to it, they have a lot of hard time.
They have a hard time with it.
Because I think in my experience with men, when they realize that you don't need really anything from, like, I don't need your money.
I don't need your gifts.
I don't want gifts.
I don't want jewelry.
I'm not like that.
I'm not interested in that stuff.
Yeah, I don't want to pretend I like something you got me.
Yeah, I'm not interested in like that, that kind of showiness.
I don't need, I don't really need anything except I want a decent, honest, good man who's not, doesn't have a huge ego that can deal with the fact that I'm going to be in the public eye and that I'm going to get attention.
Like I want someone who can deal with that.
So a lot of men think that they're down for that.
And then when it comes down to it, they're not down.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dang.
Yeah, that seems like a lot.
Do you have a girlfriend?
I don't have a girlfriend right now.
I would like to get married.
You know, next couple of years, I got to get fucking married because it just gets weird, I think.
It gets a little weird.
As a comic or as a man?
Just, I think as when people are like, what are you still doing?
What do you do?
How old are you?
I'm 44. So it gets weird for a couple of reasons.
For one, it gets weird that, well, you have neat things that have happened in your life, even if it's just like a nice day or something.
And then at the end of the day, it's just you again, right?
Which is okay.
But sometimes it's like, oh, well, this would be cool if I had somebody to share it with, right?
So that's one thing that I start to notice.
The second thing is, is, yeah, it's like, do I want to have children?
Why?
And then if I do, why do I want to have children?
Why do you want to have children?
That's the best question is, yeah, why do I want to?
I think I fear sometimes like maybe I would be missing out on some like another, almost like a, not a drug trip in a way, but another like level, a bit of another level, maybe.
But also like I have a big imagination and I got a couple fucking levels going on here.
I mean, I'm, I have today, I feel like, you know, there's times I feel like a kid and an adult at the same time.
So it's like, you know, maybe I got enough of that and being an uncle is fine, you know, I don't know.
But those are kind of some things that I think about it.
And then, yeah, if I could take care of and help provide for kids in a, in a healthy way and give a, give kids a good life, then do I owe that to society?
Do I owe that to myself?
Or do I owe that to them?
You know, and that's stuff that I think about, I think.
Interesting.
Yeah, that reminds me of like, I had this conversation with someone the other night.
Oh, yeah.
I had this shoulder infection.
So I had this.
I'm going to move this down just an inch.
Yeah.
I just had this pick line in my arm where I had to get these like 24 hour infusion.
Every 24 hours, I had to get an infusion in my arm.
And I had this Filipino nurse, male nurse, who was coming to my house to give me these injections.
Right.
And so I was in kind of a bad, bad shape for.
Rocky or something like that.
Someone that's Rocky is the man.
But go on, sorry.
Yeah, no, I don't know if his name was Rocky, but he said to me on our last visit, he said, hey, I just want to let you know, you seem like a really joyful, energetic person.
And I almost had a near-death experience as well.
I didn't even know that I had had a near-death experience.
I had an infection.
I had to get surgery on my shoulder for this like staph infection or something that I had.
And I didn't consider it a near-death experience.
But he said, I almost had a near-death experience too.
And I was almost in a car accident.
And I don't like when people say stuff like almost in a car accident.
Either you were or you weren't.
And if you weren't, don't fucking bring it up.
You know, like almost is nothing.
So the guy was like, oh, these.
It's like when it's almost my birthday, like or your half birthday.
I honestly don't want to hear about that.
So he said these two cars were like coming close to each other and they were like careening towards each other and that they were going to hit.
And he at the last minute, the cars just by an act of God or providence, the cars split open and they both moved in different directions.
And he goes, it didn't make any sense.
And I was okay.
And I'm like, so again, you were not in a car accident.
But he said, he said, because of that moment, I started to believe in divine intervention and I found Jesus.
And I'm looking at this guy.
I'm in my bed, in my house, right?
You know, I'm on it.
I've got a fucking arm.
I'm a mess.
And he said, and I feel like I never experienced, there was a level of joy that I had never experienced before I found Jesus.
And to me, it seems to me like you would appreciate that level of joy.
And it took me a minute to realize I was being pitched, you know, in my house about religion.
And then I had to tell him like, oh, oh, oh, I just want you to know, I have already accepted that the level of joy associated with finding Jesus is something I will never experience.
Like I've already accepted that.
My joyful is already tapped out.
This is as high as I'm going to go.
I'm not going to break the ceiling.
So, but that's in relation to you talking about children and knowing that there might be a feeling you might not experience without having them, which is something I deal with all the time because I don't have children and people like to go at me for that.
Like, you're a woman.
How could you do that?
It's like, how could I do it?
Because I don't think I'd be that good at it.
But it's definitely something that I've learned to accept.
Like when you say that, I've also accepted, yes, I won't know that joy.
There are other joys that I've experienced, but I will not know the joy of being a mother.
So I can relate to what you're saying about the thought of thinking about that joy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And there's certain things that I like.
And then it's like, yeah, like a lot of my life is always about me.
I think with comedians, you get like that.
You know, that's why you end up in comedy because you're kind of the boss and the employee.
Yeah, you're going, you're going on stage with a microphone alone.
So no one else can talk except for you.
And no one else is responsible for it except for you.
It's like, I don't want, I want to be responsible for myself.
I just, I never could, I, you know, I think it goes back to just that being in a place where it was like, what am I doing here?
I don't even have an employee ID.
There's no fucking hours on the wall.
There's no wage union.
I have to be here every day.
This family doesn't even make any fucking sense.
Who would put this together?
Can I talk to the boss?
There is no boss.
Who's the superior?
But I had to, it was like, so I never wanted anything to have any like jurisdiction over me except for me, right?
But then sometimes for me, like it starts to be like, well, how much of that is like old stuff that I had and how much of it, which has served me well because it helps me be self-motivated.
And, but it's, it's been hard for me to like work with others.
And so that's been like a learning curve.
But yeah, at a certain point, does that kind of hinder me?
Or has, has, have I gotten other neat joys out of the world, like getting to experience like, you know, people coming out to a big show or something like that.
And maybe those are the joys that I'll get instead of having a family, you know, not in a bad way.
Yeah.
And just trying to gauge, like, could I do it?
Do I think I would do it well?
And being honest with yourself.
It's interesting to talk about not having a boss because that's my whole career too.
Like, I don't really appreciate being told what to do by anyone.
You know, I'm also not interested in the feedback.
If it's not working for you, that's fine.
You don't have to pay attention to what I'm doing.
It's working for me.
Like, I'm having a blast.
So, but it's interesting when you say that because it is true.
When you are in this business and you are a comedian, like if I hadn't taken the path of becoming a stand-up comedian, everything starts to be created around you Rather than you being placed in a role and you're a person in a cast, you become the epicenter of all the stories, you know, whether it's your podcast, you're writing books, or you're doing stand-up, or any of these things.
It's like you're a one-man show.
And I think there's a lot of power in that.
And it's nice to be able to also do the other thing and work with other people and play nicely, but it's much more attractive to be your own decision maker, you know, it's much more attractive to be, to be your own entity, I think.
Well, comedy was something that was pure to me.
There was a lot of things I didn't trust in the world.
I didn't trust this.
I didn't know about any of that.
But if comedy, if you could fucking put an arrow through sometimes and get people to laugh, even people that didn't like you, if they were angry, people that fucking, they might have been your parents and fucking hated you.
But if you could fucking snipe them with an arrow, if you, just to get them, even in all their discomfort or whatever, to get them to fucking laugh, it felt like, oh, that's the only thing that's, to me, it just felt so real.
And nobody could cheat it.
Nobody's dad could put them on stage and say, oh, I'm famous.
My son is going to be great.
You know, it's like there wasn't any nepotism in it.
I don't know.
No, I hear you.
I don't know.
I'm not trying to like get into any Debbie Downer shit, but yeah, I don't know.
That's kind of why I think I ended up in this place.
But it also changes.
Like, you know, as your career grows and evolves and like you're 44, you've been doing this for what, 20 years more?
Yeah, 20. Yeah, like things change over time.
And then you start to realize, okay, there's another itch I want to scratch.
There's another thing I want to do.
Like, and you, excuse me, I. Come here, Dougie.
Come over here.
Come here, honey.
It's so funny we have had two dogs in here today, both chows.
I used to live with a chow in Arizona for a bit.
But it's so funny that, yeah, that what color was that other chow?
Oh, and this was a Chinese guy.
It was a roommate or it was a guy who was already living in the room when I got there.
No, the one that came today.
What color was that?
Oh, that one was brown, light brown.
Yeah, you're a big black baby.
They said when I got this chow, they're like, I called the chow rescue.
One of my dogs was going downhill.
So I was like, it's time to regroup and, you know, buckle up so that when this dog dies, I have a new dog.
And, oh, is that the dog that was here?
Yep.
Oh, that's a chow mix, right?
Yeah, that's a chow mane, I think it's called or something.
A chow mane.
Oh, look at that little baby in the middle.
That's a San Pika right there, dude.
Fascinating guy.
Kaya, that's that dog's name.
It's its birthday today, too.
Happy birthday to that dog then.
I don't remember what we were talking about.
That's okay.
Yeah.
Do you think, oh, there's one more question I had about like how comedians feel and stuff.
Do you think like it's hard for comedians to be like accept?
Like I have a tough time sometimes accepting compliments from people.
Did you ever feel like that?
Yeah, totally.
Do you have any insight like on what that kind of is?
Or have you?
I think comedians are really insecure by nature.
You know what I mean?
Why else would we have to get on stage with microphones alone?
Like, what's that about?
Most people who are secure don't feel the need.
So I think we're insecure by nature.
And I think it's our job to kind of hone that insecurity into something more dynamic, right?
Because that's how it begins.
So I think when it's, it's, it's, you, when you're insecure like that, you're uncomfortable with any sort of adulation.
You want it, but you don't necessarily want to hear it to your face.
You like to read it.
Like I love to read a review of my book.
I'd rather that than someone tell me how much it meant to them.
Do you know what I mean?
So I have that same thing.
I get slightly uncomfortable when I get too much adulation in person.
It's like, okay, when is this going to end?
Like, thank you so much.
And I want to be sincere and present, but I also sometimes check out, but it doesn't make any sense because that's what we're all here for is adulation.
We all want the attention.
So I think I just now I have this thing where like, it's not about you.
It's about listening to that person.
It's about giving time to the person whose life that you impacted, who has something nice to say to you, because think about how hard it is for that person to come.
Like I would never come up to a celebrity and be like, I saw you in, you know, whatever movie and you changed my life.
Like I wouldn't even bother that person.
So when you think about what it takes for someone to say those things to you, when they're not creepy and they're not weird and they're not like, you know, threatening in any way.
They're not wet.
Yeah.
That scared you.
You want to give them the time.
And so I think about it that way so that I'm a little bit more gracious than, you know.
Yeah, then just being still stuck in yourself, even after you're getting adulation, it's still about, well, how do I feel about adulation?
It's almost like an ego trap in a weird way, kind of like, because even though I'm getting it, like it's like, it's nice to get adulation from somebody or somebody saying thank you or something.
And then I'm wondering, oh, well, it makes me feel like at that point, who gives a fuck really how it makes you feel kind of like, yeah, you can have your boundaries and stuff.
Right.
But imagine, yeah, if you, somebody must really care if they went over to say something or they wanted to share that.
Yeah.
And it's really not, yeah, you have to like, I feel like there's a responsibility once you become a public person.
You know, like I love the stuff that Chapel Rowan is saying about like, leave me alone.
You don't have the right to touch me.
It's all true.
You don't.
You don't have that.
I mean, and if it bothers you, it bothers you.
I don't give a shit, you know, if people come up to me in a restaurant.
I give a shit if people come up to me when I'm at, I give a shit if someone waves, they're rude and they wave over like, come over here.
Like when I'm sitting out down to dinner with friends or family and some fucking jackass is like, hey, Chelsea, come over here.
It's like, no, no, you know, some Italian or something.
Fucking coming over to you.
I don't even know you.
But when people are really sweet about it, yeah, like I do, I do feel a sense of responsibility.
Also, to be, I want people to feel good after they see me.
You know what I mean?
So it's not so much a struggle.
I totally get what you're saying, but I think it's not a struggle so much as a let them say their piece and let them say something nice.
They're going to feel great after they say it.
Like, oh, wow, I did it.
You know, so I tried to just think about them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, it's just a good, it's a good reminder.
It's a good reminder of that.
So the feeling, your special, it's like, I only watched like 32 minutes of it, but what is the feeling kind of like, or do I have to wait to the end to get to know what it is?
Well, if you didn't see what the feeling was, then you didn't see the whole thing.
Oh, the feeling is about, I mean, a lot of the feeling that I've seen so far seems to be feminal masturbation.
Well, feminal masturbation is a very good thing.
Feminine.
Is that a new word, feminin?
It's about childhood masturbation when we used to call it the feeling when we would rub up against like swing Set poles and corners of walls.
We would use furniture, ladles.
We were really into masturbating, me and a group of my girlfriends when we were nine and discovered our Pikachu's.
So we would, and it wasn't like, it wasn't like adult masturbation.
You're not actually touching anything directly.
You're basically rubbing your hands over material.
Like the thicker the material, the better the traction.
So it's like, you know, jeans, a thick corduroy burlap would be a great option, a corner of a wall.
You want something that is going to give you the traction you need.
And then, but how carried away I got as a child once I found out about the feeling and about a fucking clitoris, how I went bonkers with it.
And I was masturbating in school, getting the feeling, rubbing pencils.
I mean, whatever I could get, rulers.
I mean, I had anything I could.
I would just overdo it.
Just rub it against your body.
So the feeling.
Can I say that?
We're talking about.
Yeah, yeah, you can say that.
Of course.
I'm the one talking about it.
And yeah, it was, so that's where the feeling comes from.
Just basically childhood exploration.
The part with the ladle took, I was like, what is happening here?
Yeah, there's a lot of like, there's a lot of use of masturbation to get through time of moments, maybe.
Like when people masturbate.
Thanksgiving dinner.
I was like, this is going to suck.
I'm fucking nine.
No one is coming to me for my global opinions or world affairs.
No one gives a shit about my, you know, like I'm here with my family.
They suck.
I already established that they sucked.
So I took a ladle and brought it to my Thanksgiving dinner and then I got carried away.
And the next thing I know, I was dripping, sweating like a rapist at my family dinner and my mom asking me to stop and that that's something that I needed to do in the privacy of my own room.
But up until that point, no one had called me out because I grew up at a time where no one was going to say, hey, stop jerking off, you fucking pervert.
Oh, people weren't saying that thing.
No, no one was saying it.
So I thought no one even knew what I was doing.
So that's why I'd be like, I'd see a book and I'd be like rubbing up against, you know, like while I would be talking to my father, I'd put like my ass behind an ottoman and think I was disguising it.
Are you there, pussy?
It's me.
Are you there, pussy?
It's me, Chelsea.
And my family was just basically totally aware, but also disgusted and horrified so that they didn't even say anything until it became unmanageable.
Oh, yeah.
If you see a child rubbing up on something, well, I guess if you have six other children, who gives a fuck what the last one's doing most of the time?
Probably, yeah.
But yeah, I think it's hard to approach them even probably.
You know, maybe now you could text them and say, you know, get your hand out of your pants.
Yeah, or calm it down or at a pizza hut.
Yeah.
I mean, I used to masturbate so much as a kid that my calves would be sore because I would be face down on the carpet, rubbing my Pikachu over my denim jeans, and then my calves would kick out and would be flexing, you know?
And so I would have, I would have, I mean, I had very, very strong calves growing up.
Wow, dude, that's bonkers, man.
Yeah, but jerking off was fun, wasn't it?
And I love how in the special, you call it jerking off.
I hadn't heard a woman refer to it as that before.
Really?
Yep.
I'd never heard of a woman say jerking off before.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, it was just kind of.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, we did.
Yeah, I guess it was jerking off because you are climaxing technically.
It is a, you know, and it's the same thing as when you're an adult.
You know, when you like climax as an adult, you're like, you're kind of grossed out.
Like, stop it.
Get off of me.
Get away from me.
And then like, you know, you give it like two, three minutes and you're ready to go again.
You're like, oh, come back here.
You know, get me that wall.
Damn.
I'm not a go again.
I'm a, I'm more of like, you know, a lot of people are up by the front lines with the machine guns or whatever.
I'm the cannon that comes in in the back.
It shoots once.
And that's it.
Yeah.
And then you're wrapped.
And then it's like, you know, down for repair or whatever.
Like, that's me.
So two, so how long do you, I mean, how long can you have sex for?
Oh, I don't know about that.
Five minutes?
Ten minutes?
One minute.
Let me think about the first one.
Well, the first time, I mean.
No, I mean, five minutes, I'm saying.
Yeah, just don't.
Five minutes.
Yeah, don't put me.
Listen, I don't think most people want to have sex for longer than that.
That's my thing.
If anybody's having sex for 14, who the fuck are you?
You're some kind of like mega.
You're some kind of like a cyborg or like who's fucked like Italians or whoever's fucking for that long.
It's like, that's crazy to me.
I want to get back to work.
Well, yeah.
I like fooling around.
I like men.
I like lots of different men, but I also don't want to get fucked for like 45. Like I had a girlfriend who said to me, this guy fucked me for 45 minutes.
And I went, like, I don't want to get fucked for 45 minutes.
I really don't want that.
And I don't know what that is.
I don't know for the ladies in the back.
I don't know any women that do.
So I don't know what that's about.
I mean, like, talk about your pussy, like, not being able to handle a situation.
That's too much.
Yeah, that's like the Daytona 500.
It's like, how much is that like the Goodyear pussy?
I just don't want to.
Yeah, it's like, I just get, I kind of honestly get bored.
I get bored.
You almost said it.
So I'm just going to finish it for you.
What does that mean?
Is that bad?
It means that you haven't had the right pussy yet, I don't think.
But it doesn't mean that you're going to last longer.
It's okay not to last.
Five minutes is not a big deal.
That's, that's fine.
But some guys like to go again and again and again.
Like I would want to stay together.
Is that cool or that's crazy?
Well, it's kind of nice to be able to get a, it's kind of nice as a woman to have a guy that's, because that means they're just, you, you interpret that as they're so attracted to you that they can just get it get hard every five minutes.
Yeah.
And while that can also seem like onerous, you're like, oh, I don't have the capacity.
First of all, your vagina needs to retract after sex.
Like it has to recover.
Really?
Well, yeah.
I mean, it's open and then it's closed.
So it kind of has to, you know, there's a healing process.
Yeah, good.
Especially if you have a really big penis.
Good.
Okay.
So that's for your listeners.
Yeah.
I think a lot of people are wondering, yeah, what's an appropriate amount of time?
Cause you also, it's like, you hear these people like, let's fuck all night or whatever.
And you're like, get over, do not even knock on my door if we're fucking all night.
I don't want anybody at my house doing anything all night.
I don't want anybody even being awake in my house all night.
Yeah.
I mean, it's, it's, I've had sex with men that where it's a one-nighter thing and you have sex a bunch of times in one night.
And that's fun, but that's like a one-night stand.
That's not like what you're going to do with your husband.
Right.
Like, unless you're taking ecstasy.
Yeah.
And then you have sex and it never ends.
And then you could, you could fall asleep during sex, wake back up and be like, is this still fucking happening?
Like, are we still having sex?
I mean, God, when is this going to be overcome already?
That's a Catholic sleepover idea i think they call it but girls are always trying to make guys come before they're ready to come anyway oh girls are trying to do that yeah like most women are trying to get it over with because five minutes is plenty of time yeah it's a good so like a lot of guys you know you're like uh you know you're you're just saying things to make them come so that it's over yeah and you're you're lying basically you know like you're so fucking hot this feels so fucking good i can't take it yeah now somewhere come all over my face and then they try to come on your face you're like actually i
didn't mean that come on the fucking drapes you know like i wasn't serious about coming on my face so come on this come plant i was just telling you to come so um i was at a girl's place one time and she had a plant that guys would come on and it was um it was doing pretty well i don't know if it was a pear what how small is a pear plant bring up a small one real quick i'm trying i think it was pear wow but it's kind of cool and so everyone would just fuck her and then come in the plants i get maybe once a year i mean people i don't know people were
doing it monthly or how once a year it only needed to get come once a year the plant i i mean i have no clue what it's also like uh supplement schedule was but i do know that yeah young pear oh no it's something smaller is an indoor is a house plant but so that's not it i can't remember but yeah it is fascinating the amount of time that there's it i think there is some miscommunication there about how long people want it to go on yeah yeah there's a definite misfire it's not fair to men because men first of all you don't have to have a huge penis nobody cares about that i mean you don't want like
a vienna sausage that's disappointing and it sucks but do they have those really yeah i've had sex with guys with little tiny penises that's happened to me a couple times actually and what do you do in that instance do you it's almost like a delicacy or not it's like a no it's the opposite of a delicacy you want it to be over and you want them to go away i've had sex with somebody who i didn't even know we were having sex and he came and i was like oh my god i can't believe how small your penis is you know obviously i wasn't gonna have sex with that person again but men's penises don't need to be huge they just need to be
hard that's great when a guy gets hard and that's fun and it's a decent size it doesn't have to be massive and it does and and it can be like and it doesn't have to go on forever so yes men who are listening i'm sure there are all tons of men listening so you i hope that assuages the male ego a little bit yeah yeah that's exactly what we need to hear this is coming from a woman who's had sex with lots of men yeah did you keep tabs of the amount of men that you slept with you think i mean i ran out of you know that i don't have time for
that anymore because that's a long list did you ever did you ever do like a little gift basket on some celebrities like if you make love to somebody you give them a little gift or something no i don't i mean unless we're talking about sdds i have never given a real gift to someone now i don't have i don't i haven't given a gift no i haven't haven't had sex with a lot of celebrities either i mean i know you're saying i'm the celebrity but still like i also like regular guys you know it's two celebrities together can be a little bit of a hot mess was it harder to date and stuff once you became once you had fame in
your life popularity in your life it's not hard but men are definitely like you know a little bit scared turned off intimidated emasculated that kind of vibe around me because it's hard to practice with somebody that's in because it's not there's not as many people that are popular so it's hard to practice it's like you don't get that world as much you know yeah i like i've i've been on lots of like situation i've been in lots of situations with men that were not celebrities or that were where we would be out or we'd be flirting for
a while and then we'd go home and they couldn't perform like that's happened to me a lot to the point where i was like what is wrong with me and then you realize that's happens to a lot of guys like there's a lot of like performance anxiety and i know that because i've dated men who've had that you know so it's like that's a real thing so like women also can't take that personally it's not about that but it is worth like being honest about it like sorry you know i barely know you or i'm a little like this is our first time like it's good to kind of communicate that stuff so
that everyone doesn't feel like weird yeah you know because then you have like an ick feeling right then it's just this weird thing nobody ever said anything yeah and these days a lot of stuff so common that it's like everybody's talked about everything now so it's like i think having certain conversations are a lot more the norm than even than they were like 20 years ago you know i remember get i could couldn't get an erection at some girl's place and it was like 3 30 in the morning or something and i told her i had to go to swim practice or whatever and it was early swim practice was at like five or whatever and she's like for what team or whatever i was like 28 and
i was fucking couldn't answer or whatever uh yeah you know just a bad idea i have to go to swim team or whatever oh you told her that you had to go to swim teams practice early my coach gets coach what swim team are you on oh yeah you didn't know because you weren't on one because i wasn't in school or whatever you know yeah so just sometimes you say shit like that i gotta get home to let my dog out is a good one i once left a guy's house once i felt his penis and realized it wasn't gonna work i once told a guy that i had to get my invisalign out of my car that i wouldn't
be able to um sleep without my invisalign and you know then i left and never came back and so i've done things like that too to get out of a bad situation yeah or a situation that's not going to be fruitful right and not only just for you but for them also it's like why create why spend more time creating something that's just going to be uncomfortable you know that's true but i'm sure when you you get left in the dust like we all i mean everyone's experienced that at some point it does not that does not feel good yeah if someone comes you take a chick back to your house
and she leaves right as you get naked that can't feel good you know what i mean i was on a date with this guy in london once and uh i like london don't you i love london it's my favorite and i was on this date with this guy in london and we had a great date i would i had been talking to him like on raya or one of those apps before i went out there and he was hot and and and and we went out to dinner we had a great dinner and i was like oh this is going great i'm like do you want some you know mushrooms and he had talked about mushrooms so like i thought we were both into it and he's like yeah i would love some and
we get back to my house and he i would get back to my hotel and he's just dripping sweating like and i'm like are you and he just looked like he was about to throw up and he's like i think i'm gonna throw up and i'm like oh my god are you he's like i'm fucking flying and i was like oh my god i felt like bill cosby you know like i drugged this man and i go oh oh my god and then he he had to take a walk outside.
I go, Yeah, go take a walk.
And I'm texting.
I go, go take a walk.
You needed fresh air.
I go, go take a walk.
And he came back like 20 minutes later.
He's like, I'm sorry, but I have to go home.
Like, I'm fucking hallucinating.
And I'm sitting there on shrooms too, but I'm fine.
And I'm like, oh my God, I just drugged my date.
And I was telling my girlfriends the next day and they're like, why would you ever give mushrooms to someone after you fucking went out to dinner?
Like, that is not exotic or like erotic or anything.
It's like, that's a party drug to fucking laugh.
Like, it's not seductive.
And you fucking made the guy sick to his stomach.
And I was like, yeah, no more drugs on first dates, you know, no more.
Yeah, mushrooms are crazy, dude.
I remember taking them one time and some girl's like, let me see.
She didn't even want to make out where she's like, let me see your weird dick or whatever.
And I was like, cause I guess like she was really getting the swirls, you know, she's like, let me see your weird dick.
I was like, fucking, all right, you know, but yeah, that can be kind of a, just a tough idea.
And then, yeah, it's just weird to touch somebody and hug somebody.
And then yeah, like that can be, but it is fun to sit around and laugh or something on some mushroom.
That's, that's a lot of fun.
Yeah, mushrooms aren't a very sexual drug.
So like you, you know, that was stupid.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But sometimes, sometimes having a, like enjoying time with somebody is fucking nice too and not feeling the pressure like you got to make like you gotta have sex.
Yeah, you gotta have sex.
Exactly.
So that's the that's the problem with that too.
Especially on a night where you're, you know, yeah, it's better to do that with someone you've gotten to know a little bit rather than like a first excursion.
Yeah.
Did you, I have one more question.
Oh, did you ever meet Bill Cosby?
I did meet Bill Cosby.
Before he was, um, before he got.
That's in the special, the part that you didn't see.
Oh, it is.
Is it really?
It is, yes.
And I, yes.
What was it like whenever you met him?
It was disappointing.
Really?
But he, yeah, he was an asshole.
He was an asshole because there was a guy opening for me and we were in Atlantic City and he basically went off on the, first of all, I showed up to his hotel room at three o'clock in the afternoon.
The casino manager said, hey, Bill Cosby wants to meet you because he was going to rape me.
And I didn't know that at the time.
I didn't know about Bill Cosby.
This was before all of that came out.
Because he would do afternoon rapes or whatever?
Yeah, he would have women come up to his hotel room, give him Rehypnol, and then fuck them.
And they would be out of it.
But I showed up with my security guard and my opener, who was a man, Chris Frangela.
And he and I walked into the room.
And when Bill Cosby realized I had two guys with me, his mood just was like, fuck off.
And he basically read the guy telling him he was never going to amount to anything opening for me as a comedian, opening for a woman.
And I'm like, this doesn't seem like he's in a good mood or like we should take this shit.
And then later I found out, you know, everything broke.
And we found out Bill Cosby was drugging hundreds of women.
He would come, summon them to his hotel room, give them like some obituary.
Same pattern that happened with you?
Rhohypno.
Wow.
But he never gave that to me.
And my sister, after that happened, she's like, well, now we know why Bill Cosby was such an asshole that day.
And I was like, little does Bill Cosby know that that roofie wouldn't have put a fucking dent in me.
The unrapeable.
That's right.
Wow.
What about Michael Jackson?
I'm just trying to think.
I ask everybody.
I saw Macaulay Culkin the other night, and I wish I could have heard what he was saying to me because he was thanking me for something.
And I don't remember ever interacting with Macaulay Culkin, but he kept going on and on and saying, thank you so much, Chelsea.
Thank you so much.
And it was so loud at the party that I don't know what he said.
Was it Oscar's party?
Yeah, it was like Gaio Series after party.
But I was wondering if it had anything to do with Michael Jackson.
And I'm like, I wonder if I forgot that I did something about Michael Jackson.
I probably did.
I probably did a whole thing about Michael Jackson at some point.
But I don't know.
Was Michael Jackson raping kids or was he a kid wanting to hang out with other kids?
It's very murky.
Like, I don't want to give him any credit, but it's like he didn't seem like somebody who was having sex with anybody.
He seemed like somebody who was like stunted.
You know what I mean?
Like a little kid.
Oh, I don't think that that was, I think that was definitely part of his psychology that he was just like, yeah, like a seven-year-old that grew up and got super famous and also had sexuality going on inside him at the same time.
I don't know how all that comes out.
And maybe some of it was criminal, maybe some of it wasn't.
I don't know.
But no, I'm just curious as to who like who gets to run across certain people like in celebrity circles and stuff, you know?
But I'm trying to think of anything else.
Is there anything else that you wanted to talk about specifically, Chelsea?
I don't think so.
I think we're good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think we're good too.
I think you could tell.
Oh, you know, I'll tell your male listeners too.
If you want your daughter, oh, he loves you.
Look at that.
Oh, that's nice of him.
If you want to get a good gift for your girlfriend's wives or daughters, get I'll have what she's having.
That's my book.
That's just debuted at number one.
I'm happy about that.
My special is called The Feeling.
It's on Netflix.
And yeah, those are my two projects right now.
Yeah, congratulations.
And yeah, just thanks for coming and spending time with us today.
Yeah, it's just, it's, you, you get it done.
And it's impressive to witness.
And it's, it's just, yeah, I feel lucky that you came and spent time with us today.
So thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks, Theo.
Thank you.
You bet.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
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