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Nov. 17, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:35:25

E418 Ari Shaffir

Ari Shaffir is a stand-up comedian, writer and host of the podcast Skeptic Tank. His new special “Jew” is out now on YouTube. https://bit.ly/3UP3OV1 Ari Shaffir joins This Past Weekend for the third time, chatting with Theo about continental breakfast, Twitter, cheating fishermen, inbreeding, and the timely release of his new special "Jew". Ari’s website: https://www.arishaffir.com/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://www.amazon.com/stores/CELSIUS/ShopNow/page/95D581F4-E14E-4B01-91E7-6E2CA58A3C29 ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	I want to announce some new Return of the Rat tour dates.
	January 26th, Louisville, Kentucky.
	January 28th, Indianapolis.
	February 2, Shreveport, Louisiana.
	February 3rd and 4th, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
	March 24th, Corpus Christi, Texas.
	March 25th and I believe 26th, Houston, Texas.
	We just added a new show there in Houston.
	April 26th and 27th, Phoenix, Arizona.
	May 13th, New York City.
	We just added a show there.
	June 1st and 2nd, Austin, Texas.
	And we will be adding new shows as current shows sell out.
	So if it sells out, just check back.
	You can use the code RatKing if it's before Friday, November 18th.
	If it's on Friday, November 18th or after, then you can just buy the tickets as you go.
	Go through theovon.com slash T-O-U-R to make sure you get accurately priced.
	And thank you so much for all of your support.
	I'm so grateful to have this opportunity to get out there and see you.
	Love you guys, gang.
	Today's guest has been on quite a ride as a human, as a content creator.
	He's one of a kind.
	There's no doubt about that.
	He has a new special Jew out on YouTube.
	And he's going to tell us a little bit about the journey of creating that.
	And I'm just grateful to get to spend some time with him while he's out here in Los Angeles.
	He has tour dates and everything.
	You can check it all out.
	Today's guest is Ari Shafir.
	Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I'll be singing just so I'll be singing just so
	Since you came to Nashville, remember?
	Yeah, dude.
	That was cool, man.
	That's ruined a lot of me, but not all of it.
	Yeah, I've been good, man.
	Just still slowly, just getting over.
	I mean, my burnout was so bad.
	It's tough to say that to people because people don't know it.
	But like, I couldn't even sit through a conversation.
	There was a conversation I did with this guy, Bryce Mitchell, where I could barely even talk.
	I was just, I mean, just got burnt out, you know?
	So it's just been a slow, like, you know, every couple of weeks I feel a little bit better.
	I got on like some peptides and I got like a lot of different vitamins and did that ayahuasca thing to try to get better.
	I mean, I was trying everything to kind of, you know, see what was going on.
	I was telling Bobby need to take time off.
	I was telling him yesterday.
	And he was like, yeah, I got to do this.
	And this is my dude, you're saying the same thing everyone's saying.
	And I was saying how like you and I were talking about it.
	Yeah, and I appreciate you hitting me up.
	You hit me up and say, hey, man, you remind me to take some time off to go do some things for myself.
	But I said how like the comments were all like, yeah, Theo, go.
	We'll still be here.
	Like, go get right.
	Yeah.
	The comments weren't like, no, you better not take off.
	The comments were like shockingly the other way.
	Yeah, why do you think we get that feeling then that we can't, that we have to keep going?
	Where do you think some of that comes from?
	Some of us have drive within, like, to where it's like, we had starvation mentality for so long, you know, that we're still like, I got to work, I got a job, I got an offer for a gig.
	And you're like, yeah, those are, we have to be comfortable.
	You know, like, like, you know, you raise poor if you're like, hey, the fucking free breakfast stops at 10. We got to get down there.
	And then at some point, you're like, I'll just go buy breakfast, you know?
	And you're like, oh, right.
	Yeah, I guess I don't need the Continental.
	Like, like, you got to just convince yourself that you're fine.
	That's a good point.
	I think some of that, probably some of that realization too, some of that slowly coming into my own head, like everything's going to be okay.
	Yeah, I remember we'd get the Continental dude.
	My mom, sometimes we would go meet my grandparents and we'd stay at like this Howard Johnson.
	Hojo's, bro.
	They had it.
	They were nice.
	They were nice.
	They had a nice eating place in there.
	Yeah, you could eat there.
	Yeah.
	The waffle maker?
	God.
	Because then you weren't just eating good.
	You were like contributing.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You were there.
	You were like, go make it.
	I can make waffles.
	Oh, the concierge right now.
	Like a French chef now.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Then you'd forget about it.
	You have to turn it over.
	Bro, I wonder how many lawsuits there have been of people who like just like thick bitches that tore their rotator.
	It was pre-lawsuits, too.
	They were like, this guy fucking burned himself.
	Like, yeah, you know how people are.
	Hot irons will do that.
	Oh, you let your seven-year-old?
	Yeah, I probably shouldn't have done that.
	Before that one bitch at McDonald's who fucking spilled coffee and then she sued and won.
	At that point, everybody had to be like, hey, no more freedoms for you guys.
	They ruined it all, man.
	I used to love the freedoms because, yeah, then anything could happen.
	You meet a guy who like, you meet a kid and his eye was like sewn shut from a waffle, from like a hot waffle iron.
	Tell me your story.
	I tried to restart.
	Remember No Face at the comedy store?
	Oh, we had a comic named No Face because he had like fucking Mac the Knife face.
	Oh, he did.
	Because he tried to fix one of those things in the back of a boat.
	Those motors.
	He got way in.
	It's like, I know I can fix this.
	He's fucking on it.
	And then it was like, whoo!
	They just no-faced him.
	Oh, damn.
	He was not a great comic.
	Fucking his whole, his cheeks got remixed, huh?
	He just got fucking.
	He had all this sympathy, but he was kind of a dick, too.
	And so he'd like heckle.
	But you knew he was him heckling because you know it's like dark in the comedy store.
	You'd be like, who's heckle?
	Because every heckle will be like, you suck.
	As like air was escaping from his lack of face.
	I'm like, tell a better joke.
	Oh, damn.
	he had a valve issue.
	Dude, I saw sometimes the weirdest fans come out.
	There was a guy who came to the show and he's like, man, you got to meet my cousin.
	He's the biggest fan of yours.
	He lost 70% of his skull.
	Oh, damn.
	Wow.
	And you want to be like, tell me about the 30%.
	Well, he would take his hat off and then he would go, and his head would literally go like that, dude.
	I'd be like, cartoon surprise.
	He would go, and you see, oh, how did he lose his skull?
	I don't know.
	Oh, they went into it, man.
	It was, I thought it was going to be a little bit smoother of a deal, you know?
	It was something, I want to say like some of those like electronic double doors or whatever, you know?
	Oh.
	Like at a, you know, like a Chase Bank bid him or something on the way in or whatever.
	He just didn't read a soul and it was like closed.
	I think it's just like, yeah.
	And I guess the argument in court was that his soul wasn't showing up on those monitors.
	So it wasn't their fault.
	Yeah.
	He should have gone to church more.
	It wouldn't have been an issue.
	You can go like this in the elevator and it's like, it's not closing.
	I was like, hi.
	Hey, buddy, your soul ain't showing up on here, you know.
	Dude, I got back from, I don't know where I was, France, and I got that global entry.
	So you don't have to do a meeting if you just like on your way back, you can do it.
	So I was sitting there waiting.
	Some lady was like, oh, hey, I'm a fan of yours.
	I'm like, oh, what are you getting your global entry?
	She goes, no, they're not registering my daughter's face.
	She went full goth.
	And then Machine is like, this ain't her.
	Damn, I guess it can't tell.
	So maybe goth is the way out of all of this.
	Maybe goth's the way out.
	Maybe Marilyn Manson fans, because you don't see a lot of like Asian Marilyn Manson fans or things like that, you know, or like who was that lady who sang happiness.
	Is it Worm Gun?
	No, no.
	Sanger Marie McCain.
	Florence Machine.
	Oh, Florence on the Machine.
	Yeah.
	You know, she sang a song they'll never play again.
	It's like about getting beat up.
	Really?
	Hit me.
	What is it?
	Kiss with a fist.
	Oh.
	And they don't play it much anymore.
	It was such a good fucking banger.
	It's like feel something over nothing.
	Yeah.
	And then she's now, she's like, yeah.
	Well, it's interesting because some people use violence as their form of affection.
	That's pretty wild.
	Jew, man, let's talk about, so let's talk about your special.
	You have a new special out.
	New special.
	So the journey of this special is interesting because I remember, yeah, because I remember when you were, you did this, like you had started this kind of years ago, right?
	Yeah, five and a half years ago.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It was, it was canceled a couple times, but you know, you stopped me on first down and second down.
	I still got third.
	I picked it up, you know, third and 14. I picked it up.
	Jumar Chase over here, dude.
	You're fucking going deep, bro.
	Well, congratulations, man.
	Thanks.
	Yeah, I watched about the first 20 minutes, so that's as far as I've gotten.
	Nice.
	That's more than I can watch most comics.
	Even to put it on is a nice compliment.
	Like, hey, I loaded up your thing.
	Even if it's like, I load it up, my mom called.
	I forgot to, you know.
	But like, just to load it up is like, cool.
	You know, every comic is like, we know them all.
	So it's like, we can't watch them all.
	Yeah.
	I, yeah, and I love the candles.
	I love the setup kind of.
	It felt a little scary kind of a little bit.
	It felt a little like we'd gone down into a hole in the desert and you were kind of telling me some stories kind of a little bit.
	Yeah, it's got that campfire vibe versus like religiousy kind of feel.
	Yeah, Indiana had a little bit of an Indiana Temple of Doom kind of vibe.
	Uh-huh.
	A little bit for me.
	Yeah, and you will waste your soul away.
	They're going to steal your fucking heart if you watch it too much.
	If you watch it three times.
	Yeah.
	What does it really say when he was like in his heart?
	What did he say?
	He has some words.
	In Indiana Jones?
	Yeah.
	Pull it up there.
	Charlie Ma, something like that.
	Oh, yeah, huh.
	Shalima.
	Fuck, I know it.
	It's close.
	I'm close.
	So that must have felt great, huh?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it felt great.
	And it was interesting because if you'd have done it in the beginning, it would have been for Netflix.
	No.
	Oh, it wouldn't have been.
	Yeah.
	Okay, sorry.
	I thought that it was going to be for Netflix, and then now I ended up on YouTube, and that would have seemed like almost a better choice.
	Yeah, it was always going to be YouTube.
	It was kind of like before people were putting them on YouTube.
	I already had the thought of like, no, this is the way.
	It's like, you can get it to everybody.
	You'll be like early on a platform.
	You still own it.
	You still own it, sure.
	They can't stick some fucking lady's name on the end of it as a producer that I never met once in my life or ever talked to.
	Like, who the fuck is this lady you guys just stuck on the end of my shit?
	Yeah.
	I think credits are important.
	You can't just stick some fucking lady's name on there.
	Yeah, they'll just sticky tax and brawl.
	Yeah.
	I'm like, what?
	So, yeah.
	And honestly, it was better.
	I got to go back to these jokes with a year and a half off and go, oh, some of this is too long.
	These setups are too long.
	Some of these, like, oh, this is the same joke twice.
	I can't see if, you know, forest for the trees kind of shit.
	And then I was able to edit it a lot better.
	It was a lot better because of all that.
	How much is it to shoot something like that?
	This one cost me quite a bit.
	They're expensive, aren't they?
	Yeah.
	You can make them for very little, and you'll still get the jokes across, you know?
	It'll still be good, but the way I wanted to make it, it costs a lot.
	A couple hundred G?
	$230.
	Wow.
	Yeah, the song costs $20.
	Oh, yeah.
	Isn't that crazy?
	You're like, oh, this song would be great.
	And I'm like, it's $20,000.
	You're like, it was Satchmo, what's his name?
	Louis Armstrong.
	And it was $8,000.
	I was like, okay, wow, that's not crazy.
	Fuck, that's a lot of money, but I'll pay for it.
	They go, well, also, there's like a chorus he uses on it.
	So you got to pay the chorus guy also.
	I'm like, well, how much is he?
	He's like, he's 10. I'm like, what?
	And they go, yeah, and they have favorite nations, so it's 10 and 10. I'm what?
	We're from 8 to 80. They're both from Africa, aren't they?
	Yeah, that's the favorite nation.
	Oh, I guess it is now, huh?
	Yeah, it is now.
	It's a favorite nation.
	I got a promo shirt.
	Let's get it out.
	There we go.
	Ari Shafir, Jew, dude.
	No more hiding.
	That's right.
	The Jews are out of the, out of the attic, into your homes.
	I'm coming out of the attic.
	Dude, I'll say this about Anne Frank's place.
	I went there.
	Yeah.
	It's two-bedroom, two-bath.
	Massive.
	Overlooking a fucking river.
	Bro, it's nice.
	Perfect location.
	Yeah, there's coffee shops everywhere.
	What a wonderful spot.
	I will tell you this.
	I did it on my last special.
	There's like a brunch place, if you're ever in Amsterdam, right below Anne Frank's.
	So Anne Frank's around the corner, and then below, it's like two steps down.
	It closes like 3 p.m.
	The best grilled cheese sandwich I've ever had in my life.
	I mean, it is out, like use four cheeses out of this fucking world.
	Just stop it.
	You're killing me, dude.
	Is it really the best grilled cheese ever?
	Stop it.
	I don't know when else I'm going to be able to use it, Joe.
	I don't know when else I'd be able to use it.
	You made a joke last time that I missed, that I saw some comments.
	I'm like, fuck, I felt so bad I missed it.
	I forgot what it was.
	And it was like, what a fucking idiot when a comic just like, uh-huh.
	Oh, sometimes you get stuck in podcasts.
	You're listening.
	You're trying to be involved in it.
	Dude, thank you so much.
	This is like the, I'm just, I'm happy to be able to be in a conversation and have a good time.
	So serious ones?
	No, just, I just haven't, you know, like, it just, like, it feels good to fucking just be having fun.
	You know what else feels good?
	The great taste of Celsius.
	It feels good going down.
	It's delicious and low calorie, I assume.
	It might be, actually.
	Only one serving per container.
	You don't get less servings than that.
	Yeah, what a stat.
	Thanks, Celsius.
	Dude, it's funny because I'll pass up my morning coffee and I'll just wait until I get here to have this.
	Does it have caffeine in it?
	It has a little bit.
	Oh, I need some.
	It's nice, man.
	So now, because now Jewish stuff is like, it's been like hot recently, right?
	Yeah.
	It's higher now.
	Was that a part of the reason?
	Were you just happening to be putting it out at the time?
	I'm happy to be putting it out.
	I was going to do Rogan's podcast.
	We're going to do a Sober October wrap-up.
	And I was like, I had it.
	And none of these bits are like, are like timely.
	They're all 5,000-year-old source material.
	Yeah.
	So it's like, there's no rush or not rush.
	I took my time editing it.
	I went to Paris for like a couple weeks.
	And people are like, where are the edit notes?
	I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Sorry.
	Sorry.
	They're like, you're the boss.
	Are you waiting on you?
	I'm like, fuck.
	Yeah.
	But then I was going to do Rogan's.
	I was like, that's a good time.
	I'll just do it the day after I do Rogan's.
	So as soon as it comes out, I'll just have it.
	And then fucking...
	Yeah.
	Old Gold Digger fucking dug into the fucking backlogs and started promoting it.
	That's awesome.
	Yeah.
	And does it feel kind of like revive?
	Because you've had some moments of like kind of like rock.
	I don't know if it's rocky moments in your world.
	Some hurdles?
	Yeah, I would say you've had some hurdles.
	I mean, you like to be on the, you like to, you like to play track and field.
	Yeah.
	So I like to stir that pot.
	Yeah.
	You like to be out there, baby.
	People get, I stir the pot so much, people around me get enveloped in my pot stirring.
	Sorry.
	I got soup on my feet from you, bro.
	Sorry about the soup.
	I'm sorry.
	Oh, God.
	Yeah.
	Waiter, there's a lawyer in my soup.
	That's the fucking thing.
	I feel like.
	Yeah, if you have on your pocket, there's a chance you're going to have to contact a lawyer at some point.
	But so that had to be wild then.
	So did you feel like, oh my God, this is like kismet or whatever that I'm putting this thing out.
	And now there's all this Jewish, like anti-Semite stuff and stuff happening?
	No, I thought it was going to be the end of it again.
	I thought it was going to go fourth down.
	Yeah.
	Because I saw a world where the reaction to that was going to be overly protective.
	And they go, anything that's even remotely anti-Semitic, where they wouldn't get a joke, they don't know what irony is.
	You know, anything remotely, we're just killing it so that we don't have to worry about being called anti-Semitic.
	I could see a world where that would happen.
	There's a chef.
	You can pull it up.
	I don't know if you can.
	This guy has like a pancake mix company, black guy.
	And the logo of his company is him with one of those big chef's hats.
	And he was promoting his stuff and Instagram or Facebook, doesn't matter, same.
	They're like, that's racist.
	Take it down.
	Damn.
	And he goes, what?
	That's me.
	It's my company.
	They're like, nah, that's racist.
	And he goes, what?
	Racist?
	I'm him.
	And I'm a chef.
	They're like, nah, dude, come on.
	That's racist.
	Yeah, Uncle P is.
	It might not be Uncle Pete.
	It's someone like that.
	That's Master Pete.
	That's Master P's.
	It ain't that one.
	Yeah.
	And it's like, and it just looks too reminiscent.
	So they went overboard and they fucking didn't let this guy promote his own black-owned business.
	And so I could see a world where that would happen.
	And I get it also from their point of view.
	They're like, I don't know.
	Oh, damn, bro.
	Yeah.
	These all look so racist now.
	Everything does.
	Damn.
	Black people look racist.
	Well, I think it's like, if black people are in the kitchen, you can't be cooking anymore, blacks.
	Oh, dude, if a black guy even brings my food out, I don't even know how to make it.
	He's like, hey, you're doing this because you want to, right?
	You're free of your own volition to come and go.
	I'm like, just set it down.
	I'll meet you halfway.
	I'll go.
	I'll go get it.
	Just tell me it's up.
	Or don't.
	Just kind of signal in some way.
	Oh, man, dude.
	It's such a really, because that's funny.
	Because I would think the other thing, like people would be more, there would probably be more support for it, you know?
	Sure.
	But I was like, I wasn't looking for that when I thought of putting it out.
	So I was like, don't let it go away.
	There is a world you could see where that could happen.
	Oh, totally.
	I mean, it's hard to have any type of, it's hard to have any type of irony these days, you know?
	Did you feel do you, is your special, is it anti-Semitical?
	No.
	No, no.
	That's not the word, but no, it's not.
	It's very reverential and whatever.
	But also, like, yeah, you make fun of yourself.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Remember Stevie Z?
	He died?
	David Wester?
	No.
	Cereal Palsy comic.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	He died.
	Nope.
	Nope.
	Sorry, dude.
	Oh, damn.
	He's still living.
	Still with us.
	But, you know, he has cerebral palsy when he fell, since he's our friend.
	We'd be like, people would have cared more right there if you had said he died, probably, which is a sadder problem.
	Hey, Davey, if you're out there and you want to help this podcast, kill yourself.
	Theopon said, kill yourself.
	I didn't.
	The views of the guests on this podcast are represented by the podcast itself.
	Kill yourself.
	Do it.
	Kill yourself.
	God, I feel like I'm in the cheapest saw movie.
	Did you have like a trap?
	Nah, we couldn't afford that.
	Well, it's like that girl that texted her boyfriend.
	He's like, oh, my car is broken down.
	She's like, I bet you won't kill yourself.
	He's like, damn, maybe I should kill myself.
	Have some balls, dude.
	Think it out.
	Yeah, that's what she told him.
	You don't have any balls.
	It's like, I'll show you.
	Yeah, do something else, dude.
	Damn.
	Dude, eat some fucking brother cakes.
	Don't fucking get out there.
	Yeah.
	And take your own life.
	Hey, have you ever been on squid bellies?
	No, but you should get on that show.
	People always ask me about squid bellies.
	That's one of the best shows in the world.
	And I just, I saw something I thought was a squid.
	And then you, it's that on that belt.
	It looks like squid legs.
	Oh, yeah.
	You should do squid bellies, man.
	They would love you.
	I would love to be on that, but you should be on.
	I think I reached out to them about trying to do a cartoon or something at some point, and they didn't want to do it.
	Oh, Adult Swim is done now.
	Anyway.
	Yeah.
	Adult Swim fucking, somebody pulled the drain.
	Did you because did you feel like, was there a lot of because anti-Semitic.
	Yeah, it's not anti-Semitic, but it is making fun of Ron.
	So I was going to say, when Davey Wester would like, me and Renazisi saw Davy Wester trying to get a straw on his mouth, but you know, those double doors, the saloon doors, those door.
	We were looking.
	He was trying to get the straw and he kept like missing it.
	And he kept like, oh, yeah.
	And man, we were dying.
	And then eventually he like sees we're laughing.
	He's like, fuck you guys.
	And it was so fucking fun because we love him.
	And we're like, we know this is your disability and you're trying to overcome it.
	And that is funny that you're failing.
	Oh, totally, man.
	I mean, I think some of that is interesting because I'll have a friend who will like go to therapy all the time.
	And I know, and I mean, and even myself, and that's our disability.
	And there's times where I'll laugh at it.
	Or if a friend makes a joke about it, I'll laugh.
	You know, it's like, it's funny.
	It's going to be dark.
	Like, I thought about killing myself again.
	You're like, I know you're serious.
	That's funny.
	Yeah.
	Sometimes you want to be dark.
	Yeah.
	So, yeah, no, it's not anti-Semitic, but there is like some making fun of Jews.
	There's a difference.
	Is there, yeah, because I feel like sometimes you can't even say Jew and then you, everything is anti-Semitic.
	It's literal people.
	It's going like you can make fun of the president.
	You could be like, oh, the president fell off his bike and you're like, why do you hate America?
	And it's like, no, I'm just making fun of his fucking, his shirt's untucked.
	Yeah.
	Like, you can, you know?
	Oh, totally.
	There's this Bobcat Goldwaite had this great story about being on a on a plane and there's a bunch of Downstigram kids on the plane and they had to make a semi-emergency landing.
	I think they couldn't figure out if the wheels could come out or not and they didn't know.
	So they're like, hey, we have to burn off fuel.
	We don't know if there's going to be a crash landing or not.
	Our sensors aren't working.
	We're going to have fire trucks like on the premises waiting for us, you know, and all these downstream, everyone's so worried.
	These downstairs are like, fire trucks, fire trucks.
	And now there's a person that goes, well, airplane jokes are hacky.
	And you're like, oh, no, dude.
	You don't understand this at all.
	And you try to weigh in.
	Yeah, dude.
	This is about perception.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Interesting, man.
	I think, yeah, because that's one thing that sometimes it's like you can say almost anything, but if you say the word Jew, then people, and it makes it.
	Oh, it's just not even fun.
	It makes it like I can't even joke.
	I get scared to joke around with some of my Jewish friends, or I feel like I need to ask permission if I can joke sometimes.
	Like, I don't know.
	Yeah, you know what?
	This is that weird world that we're in now.
	You listen to these fucking dorks too much and you start feeling weird.
	And you're like, and then you realize mostly of us are just comics.
	Like, we're cool.
	You know, every week somebody walks out angry from the comedy store or from one of your shows probably too.
	You know, you're doing a thousand people in a night.
	Two people are going to leave angry.
	Yeah.
	You can't be worried about them.
	Sometimes you see them leave.
	Sometimes you see them leave.
	Yeah.
	I got a complaint in Chicago.
	Two separate couples, old couples, left five minutes apart.
	Their kids told them to go see me.
	And they both said the same thing to the management.
	It's not enough that he's making fun of the death of children.
	It's that everyone else is laughing about it.
	They're ragging him on.
	And it's like, yeah, get out of here.
	You're not for here.
	You can't stop doing it because of those two dorks.
	Their kids are probably sitting home and be like, we knew they fucking hate him.
	Fire truck, fire truck.
	What do you think about this, Ari?
	We got some news that popped up here, man.
	Speaking about that fishing scandal?
	Oh, yeah.
	Did you see that?
	Going to jail.
	Those people are going to jail over some fucking trout.
	Are they going to jail?
	I think so.
	Yeah.
	Wouldn't it so crazy the guys just staying in there?
	Can you bring up that fishing scandal?
	Fucking Lance Armstrong skated on it.
	These fishermen are going to jail.
	Those teams are like it's seriously.
	Swamp people don't fuck around.
	The French are like, you learn your lesson.
	But the swamp people are like, nah, dude, you got to be punished.
	Two men accused of cheating in an Ohio fishing tournament scandal have been indicted.
	Indicted is high-level arrest.
	Is it?
	Well, apparently these guys actually like, like five different guys, they took away their like yearly income.
	Because like this, the amount that they won for this is not a small amount.
	Yeah.
	What do you win?
	What if you're the top level fucking What do you think?
	This tournament.
	Oh, this tournament alone?
	I think top prize, $28,000.
	Ooh.
	I might be too high.
	No, I think I was going to go $35,000.
	Let's see.
	It's $29,000.
	Damn.
	And I don't want to say the J-word right there, but you know how I was going to say that.
	I did him down one.
	I did him down one.
	You got to make cut to the organizer.
	I think Larry Fishburg.
	Java Silver's got to get his cut.
	Like fish burnt.
	Fishstein.
	Trout burnt.
	Troutstein.
	This was a, wasn't this crazy, though?
	They put weights in it, but they would do too much.
	It's like those guys taking Royds.
	Like, take a little bit of Reid's.
	Don't get the fucking Barry Bond's bionic head.
	You take too much.
	Just put a little bit of weight in there.
	Put a fucking one gold coin in there.
	Don't put the fact.
	You Don't want to pick up this and be like, it feels fucking like 80 pounds.
	What the fuck?
	Yeah, every one of the fish, it was crazy because they'd have like a huge fish and then a little fish.
	And the little fish was weighing the same.
	Two guys are picking up the little fish.
	What the fuck?
	Crazy.
	Yeah.
	Like, something's up.
	Like, I don't know what you're talking about.
	Apparently, like a bigger fish ate one of the little fish and just sunk to the bottom of the pond.
	And they ripped these dudes.
	They ripped them apart.
	And the one guy stood there like he didn't know.
	I would have jetted.
	Yeah, go.
	Go.
	Get on your fucking speedboat and go.
	Go lift.
	Go lift.
	You know how to.
	You've taught a man to fish.
	You can do it.
	You know, not as well as the other guys, but you can earn yourself a fucking meal.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Oh, I would have been out of there, man.
	Beach Amanda cheating fishing and he'll fishing.
	The guy just pulled these.
	I mean, he pulled a kettlebell.
	I love that they were like, it's like a man got caught cheating.
	He was like, wow, that's crazy.
	These fish must have been eating lead weights.
	Oh, my God.
	Damn, these fish must have been fish.
	Look at him.
	A flame.
	A flame fish.
	Wow.
	Pieces of other fish.
	He should have just done that.
	Oh, it's very domer-esque when you get to that part.
	He's just standing right there watching.
	You got anything to say?
	Hey, you guys are doing this.
	We fucked all that fucking money.
	Refund all that fucking money.
	Wow.
	Refund all that fucking money.
	So wouldn't he get it and then went home with it and they came back for another time?
	Go on, Zach.
	I think they win money throughout the season.
	So they're like, this is just now.
	You got to give back everything.
	It's like why Barry Bond's not in the hall.
	They're like, we don't know when this started.
	Oh, it's true.
	You could see a guy being caught.
	He's in the most in the midst of freezing, flight or fright or freeze, you know?
	And he's just like, he's just hoping it ends.
	He doesn't know what to do.
	Yes.
	He should get the fuck out of there.
	Yeah, you guys.
	You should just run.
	Yeah.
	No, they'll chase him down.
	Now, that's a good point.
	If he starts running, he'd have been probably a dead man.
	Yeah, it's like if a dog's barking at you, if you start running, that dog's going to get you.
	Oh, it's true, huh?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, there's something about that.
	Once you run, it makes something else want to chase you.
	Set him stop.
	Don't let him run.
	Yeah, you have to be calm and calm them around you.
	Yeah, cheating and fishing.
	We found that funny.
	It's just, it's part, it's sad.
	It's just kind of the world we in.
	A lot of cheating out there, you know.
	A lot of people just cutting corners, I guess.
	But I don't know.
	Everybody else there seemed pretty pissed and seemed like maybe it's just these guys.
	It sucks.
	You're fucking playing a game.
	You were cheating the whole time.
	So I was like, what the fuck?
	Come on.
	That's why I love the Tour de France when they took it away from Lenny Armstrong.
	Oh, yeah.
	And they were like, we got to give it to the guy who came in second place.
	And they're like, nah, he was Royden too.
	And they're like, fuck, third?
	Like, Royden.
	You know how far that?
	17. Uh-uh.
	They had to give it to the number 17 guy.
	And I'm like, he didn't even finish the same day.
	He fucking finished on Tuesday.
	They all came in the fucking, you know, through the palace on Sunday.
	I rolled up, took a break, stopped for the night.
	He goes, man, I've lost.
	I don't know.
	And then he's like, tortoise in the hair, you know, as long as you finish.
	Who knows?
	He's not even a cyclist.
	It's just a black guy in a chef's hat.
	He's an Uber Eats guy.
	And he's like, oh, I just came through the fucking Palais Royale.
	Did you see this?
	You saw Trump's backup.
	Trump's backup what?
	Let's play it.
	Heart on?
	No, if he got a heart, I mean, he's great and glorious again.
	I am tonight announcing my candidacy for president of the United States.
	I love the breaking news at the bottom.
	Trump expected to announce presidential bid at any moment.
	Like, yeah, he just did it.
	Fucking ticker.
	Get with it, ticker.
	You're fucking behind the times.
	Yeah, ticker's almost like that autistic buddy you have.
	Uh-huh.
	Hey, ticker.
	And that was always a name they had for somebody that had autism or whatever.
	Ticker, because he's a tick.
	Ticker, button.
	A button.
	Where is this?
	Tell him, button.
	Tell him button.
	It's Mar-a Lago.
	It's Mar-a-Lago.
	What do you think about this?
	He's going to win, right?
	What do you think?
	I don't know.
	I don't follow politics at all.
	I don't follow him much either.
	It is interesting because I like the tears of the righteous.
	And man, this guy makes them flow.
	It's fun for me to watch their tears.
	Even when you saw Dave Chappelle saying that, did you see that bit that he talked about Trump?
	He goes, I remember him before.
	He goes, but he was running.
	He goes, I'm not going to vote for him.
	I'll vote for Hillary, but I don't like it.
	Yeah.
	You know, yeah.
	Do you see that?
	Can you find that clip, Zach, where he said the other day during his SNL thing about why people liked Trump, which was the original.
	He's Trump now.
	Damn.
	So he's eight years past where he was before.
	He was already old then.
	You think he's still fucking?
	Yeah.
	You think Trump's still fucking?
	I think one of his top goals, I think he's getting probably exomes and stem cells into that.
	It's probably smart to take the four years off because then you extend your time being at the top.
	You're on four, off four, but that off four, you're still former president.
	You're still a G. And then on four again, and then your next four, you were just a president.
	So you really get 16 years out of that if you run it right.
	And you get to bounce back and kind of like see whatever didn't work maybe the first time.
	I don't know if in Trump's case, he's able to do that.
	You know what, Trump?
	You should change the constitution to eight consecutive years.
	So that way you can do it eight full years this time.
	That's what Hitler did.
	That's what Hitler did.
	Rewrite that constitution.
	Did he?
	Yeah.
	You rewrite that constitution, anything goes.
	Did it in Ecuador too?
	Rewrite the Constitution.
	Damn.
	Yeah.
	Ecuador, huh?
	Yeah, I knew a real liberal comic and she couldn't understand.
	She was like, what the fuck when Trump won?
	And I was like, well, you've never gotten out of your limo.
	You've never gone to Dayton.
	These people are depressed and they're looking for answers.
	You've never talked to them.
	You live in your fucking gated apartment building, you know, where no one's allowed in.
	You have your fucking doorman wearing an SS outfit.
	Like you have no idea what a human is like.
	So you're like, what?
	Right, right.
	You've sheltered yourself.
	Yeah.
	Look on, Zach, look on Twitter, please, where they look at Chappelle SNL Trump.
	This is what I thought was interesting.
	said some people don't understand why people like trump he goes when he first was in the debates he's so funny well they and they asked him about the Yeah, remember that Russia thing?
	Never was anything.
	Not only is New Washing, was invented by Hillary Clinton's side.
	So let's just say she didn't know, but it was invented by a Democratic side and pushed.
	So then they never go, oh, fuck, maybe we got to look at these liars over here.
	They just go, move past it.
	So it was like, if you're not going to apologize, it's like, if you tell me you're going to pick me up from the airport and then you don't, and you never apologize, I don't think you're going to pick me up from the airport next time.
	I can't trust you're going to do it.
	If you said, dude, I'm so sorry, my alarm didn't go off.
	It's like, I can tell you're sorry.
	Yeah.
	But these people never owned up to anything I did.
	And so it's like, I heard, I was randomly in my car and I was listening to Trump on like NPR doing a State of the Union address or something.
	And he goes, this MS-13, this fucking group from Mexico, there's like the drug dealers and fucking smugglers.
	And he goes, they're terrible people.
	They're gang members and they're rapists.
	And, you know, they're terrible people.
	And then the headline, I was like, oh, I wonder how they're going to play it.
	The headline the next day is Trump calls Mexicans rapists.
	And I'm like, damn, it's not a lie, but it sure ain't the truth.
	And eventually they did it so many times.
	We're like, we don't believe you guys.
	Yeah, I think, well, that's one thing.
	I think people don't believe the news anymore.
	Some people still do believe the news.
	And I'm not saying believe the news in favor of any person.
	Yeah, I haven't seen that Chappelle monologue, but they're like, oh, it's anti-Semitic.
	I'm like, I guarantee it's not.
	I've seen enough of these.
	Every time you see a comic went too far, I'm just like, without watching it, no, he didn't.
	Yeah.
	Let's see what he says right here if he says about this Trump thing, if this is it.
	First of all, nice jacket, Dave Chappelle.
	You look like fucking, what's that guy's name?
	Talking about.
	I'm talking about David Hasselhoff.
	No, he does look like David Hasselhoff.
	The black dude.
	You might believe this is the end of his era.
	I'm just being honest with you.
	I live in Ohio amongst poor whites.
	Poor whites.
	A lot of you don't understand why Trump was so popular, but I get it because I hear it every day.
	He's very loved.
	And the reason he's loved is because people in Ohio have never seen somebody like him.
	He's what I call an honest liar.
	Well, I'm not joking right now.
	He's an honest liar.
	That first debate, that first debate, I've never seen anything like it.
	I've never seen a white male billionaire screaming at the top of his lungs.
	This whole system is rigged, he said.
	And across the stage was white woman, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, sitting over there looking at him like, no, it's not.
	I said, now, wait a minute, bro.
	It's what he said.
	And the moderator said, well, Mr. Trump, if in fact the system is rigged, as you suggest, what would be your evidence?
	Remember what he said, bro?
	He said, I know the system is rigged because I use it.
	Pause it for a second.
	God damn.
	Yeah, that's crazy, man.
	Yeah.
	Also, in my special Arts, if you're a Jew, you will not go that long without a laugh.
	There is no period of that entire special where you were laughing.
	Chappelle's definitely bought a lot of time where he's granted a lot of grace.
	He's so cool sounding, but I'm like, damn, dude.
	Yeah, get to it.
	Punch that middle part up.
	But I think that's one thing.
	That's the thing that I originally thought was fascinating about Trump.
	I'm like, he's not a politician.
	He's not a politician.
	So he has the chance, at least, if it's possible.
	Just to speak real.
	To get in there and do, at least shine some sort of a light on whatever we don't know.
	Yeah.
	Because he's not one of the two sides.
	He's not part of the fucking garden.
	Yeah.
	It's too bad he's looking out for himself and business interests too much.
	It's too bad you get sort of an evil one in there for doing that.
	If it would have been somebody else, it could have been interesting.
	Bernie, maybe, or somebody who's like, hey, come on, we got to help people.
	Let's get these guys out of prison.
	Just talking normal, not like, and we're going to take it.
	And we're going to go to Washington.
	And we're going to change all of that.
	It's like, fuck you.
	You ain't one of us.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I think he got then.
	I think his, I think at that point, something.
	They just wanted a change, I think.
	People are like, fuck the system.
	That's what they want.
	They wanted fucked that.
	That's what I'm going to do.
	How come all these billions got more billions during COVID when we're all suffering?
	I know.
	Who's doing that?
	And it's rich people making rich laws for rich people.
	Yeah.
	I can't afford a lawyer when I get arrested.
	They just have them on retainer.
	So, of course, they're going to get off easy.
	Well, it does start to feel in the world like...
	We got to climb some walls.
	We got to take care of business.
	Yeah.
	But it's not.
	I feel like it used to feel like the government was the best.
	I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that.
	I think the government's bought out, right?
	By the businesses.
	That's right.
	They're one step down.
	The businesses put the government in charge to keep us all going.
	That's what it seems like, right?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It's like owner and then the government is like, the government's like managerial.
	They're supervisors.
	That's what it feels like.
	Yeah.
	They'll get theirs too.
	They'll make sure to get theirs, but they're not the real ones.
	Right.
	They're just kind of a liaison now between big business and human, regular folks.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's what it feels like.
	Anyway, not to be a downer, but that right there is what I thought was fascinating about Trump from the beginning was like, fuck, maybe there's a chance.
	Yeah, when she goes, when she goes, you cheating on taxes, he goes, I know.
	I'd be a fool not to.
	Yeah.
	What do you mean?
	Yeah.
	I have great fucking tax attorneys.
	Yeah, play the rest of that clip.
	It might be on there.
	That was basically the end of that clip.
	Okay.
	Well, okay.
	See, and that could be, we don't know if it is or not, but that could be.
	It's out of context.
	No, just big digital tell them that's the end of the clip.
	That's enough.
	I got a call.
	It's actually the end of the clip.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Please use crest when you're brushing your teeth, everyone.
	Great sweet smiles of crest.
	You could do no wrong.
	Sorry.
	Sorry about talking.
	does that feel like what it's getting to Do you feel like we're getting there?
	Dude, I had Milo Yiannopoulos on my podcast.
	You did?
	Yeah, a long time ago.
	And he's like kind of like a gay flavor flave, right?
	In what way?
	Like he's like a hype man or something?
	He's a hype man.
	He's a troll.
	Oh, he is.
	He says stuff just to piss people off.
	And then it does piss people off.
	And they go, you're a troll.
	Fuck it.
	And they hate that he's gay.
	He's hated he's married to a black dude.
	Oh, he's married to a black dude?
	Yeah.
	Oh, wow.
	He's so liberal, but he's conservative.
	And so he's like, the tears of the liberals get me hard.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	So I had him on my podcast just talking about how he's a troll and not this like evil whatever.
	And he keeps trying to go into him like, hey, you're not fooling me.
	You know that this thing?
	The white power sign?
	So he goes him on 4chan, which I think is not a fucking, not this evil.
	It's a troll group.
	Right.
	And they go, what's the best way to troll people is go conservative.
	People hate that.
	So it's like, then do that.
	Right.
	Especially online.
	Yeah, online.
	So they go, let's invent a fake sign that means nothing.
	And they go, let's do this.
	We'll call it white power.
	So then he's like, all right, how do we get it out there?
	And they're all like, I don't know, let's just go slowly.
	We'll see whatever.
	And then Milo's just with the president randomly, you know, on a, on a platform, and they're all taking pictures.
	And he goes, oh, shit, they're taking pictures.
	And he just goes like that.
	And people are like, what's that sign?
	And then they showed those fucking kids the one that was the Indian was yelling at.
	And they see them there basketball.
	Look, they're going like this.
	And they're like, no, that's a three-point.
	Curry's doing that.
	Yeah.
	It's like, they don't even understand it.
	And he got them all upset.
	And now there's a fight.
	It was even better.
	Yeah.
	Now there's a fight between the left and the right.
	You can't take away our this sign.
	We fuck you.
	It's racist.
	And it means nothing.
	He trolled them both.
	I had him on my podcast, Arrest Your Fear Skeptics.
	And I was just talking about trolling and the origins of it and how he does it.
	And I got demonetized on YouTube.
	No.
	Yeah.
	No, I had to start a new account.
	You can no longer make any money on YouTube for just hearing that we're wrong about him.
	It's wild.
	So yeah, a few times you got to consider it, but at the same time, it's like, eh, I make money on the road.
	You know?
	Yeah, you've always been brave.
	You've always had that, you know, like you've always not really mattered where the spoon is coming from as much.
	Or that's what it seemed like from an outsider's perspective.
	Yeah, yeah.
	It's like, yeah, Patrice would talk about it.
	If you owe them, they're going to call in that favor.
	You know, it's like, eh, just like, guys, we got to be true to ourselves.
	And at some point, it's like, they're going to be like, well, we need to do this.
	I'm like, I don't want to.
	That's not funny.
	I don't want to do that.
	Not funny.
	Oh, yeah.
	Well, that great, that's definitely, I think, happened over the years, especially with like Hollywood.
	Like, you know, like Comedy Central sent me some offer the other day.
	It was like six episodes of something, and it was like $1,500 an episode or something, you know?
	And it was just, and it was very nice.
	But it was like, I passed three shows to you guys that you guys fucking passed on.
	And then now you should, it's just like, don't you have any fucking coup even as a huge, as a, you know?
	It's almost like you walk past me a million times in the dog kennel.
	And then finally, I'm a king's dog.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Like, come on over.
	When I've got an owner, you come by and ask me if I want to fucking come and I got some great advice from Eddie Griffin once.
	He told me, I booked my first commercial.
	It was like a big commercial.
	Back then, that was like some level of success, you know?
	And I remember this chick, it was at Dublin.
	She would never give me the time.
	She literally wouldn't say hi back to me when I said hello.
	Then I went to commercial and she was like, oh, hi.
	I saw your commercial.
	I was like, you're treating me well now?
	I was telling Eddie Goodford about it.
	He goes, so what's your question?
	Like, he was already made it a little bit.
	He's like, so like, you don't know how to like treat them because they were like such dicks to you.
	And now you know they're only being nice because you're doing well.
	I was like, yeah.
	He goes, here's what you do.
	Have sex with them.
	Wow.
	Because that's your revenge.
	Have sex with them.
	Oh, really?
	Huh?
	If you're good at sex, if not, it's just fucking TV.
	Yeah.
	It is, it is shitty.
	Robbie from when he was still at Montreal, he would do this great thing where he'd call people like Whitney, and he'd be like, just to call, not to do any, not to get them going, just go, hey, sorry, I missed the boat on you.
	I know you showcased for new faces a bunch and we didn't take you.
	And clearly, looking back, we were wrong.
	Anyway, no offer or anything.
	I just want you to know that.
	And if Comedy Central called you with no offer, just like, hey, Theo, it wasn't me.
	I wasn't in this position before, but someone else here was.
	I know you blame the whole company.
	Just so you know, we're happy for your success.
	Clearly, we missed the boat.
	So that fucked us over.
	Yeah.
	And we're sorry about that.
	I hope you're having a good day.
	Yeah, there's, oh, it would have been nice.
	There's nothing, nothing.
	But I think that's the thing.
	Then if they come to you six months later, like, hey, you want to do this?
	I did like, maybe.
	That seemed cool.
	That apology.
	I didn't pick you up from the airport.
	I should have.
	I'm sorry.
	You can't just skate by it.
	Yeah.
	You got to own up to it.
	That's fascinating, man.
	That's a good point.
	It's a real good point, man.
	I think a lot of that is just like, yeah, making some amends, having some.
	I didn't do that right.
	And I'm sorry.
	It's just like, I've had, I mean, I've had people turn on me left and right.
	So you know how few of them ever said, hey, man, I shouldn't have done that.
	Okay, forgiven.
	But most of them just go, I hope it goes away.
	Yeah.
	And then when you come successful, like my friends have, they go, how you doing?
	I'm like, you don't think I remember?
	They don't.
	They don't.
	That's the worst, man.
	I've had it.
	You got another Celsius back there, Zachary.
	Can you have Colin grab one?
	Thank you.
	That's the worst when I've had friends that have gotten successful that had done me wrong and I still had to be like not like subservient to them, but I knew I was never going to get any like apology or something, you know?
	I guess that's just life though, huh?
	Yeah.
	I've had people, thank you.
	That's five cents.
	I've had people apologize to Rogan about what they said to me.
	And it's like, oh, what a weird Hollywood thing.
	You'll say you're sorry to the famous guy because you're afraid he might turn on you, but never to the guy you actually wronged.
	Or you'll wait till the famous guy called you out and go, okay, I shouldn't have done that.
	And it's like, be a fucking man.
	Man or woman, but be an adult.
	It's hard.
	And most of the women are trying to be men, let's be honest.
	So it's like, be a man.
	Be a man.
	Be a fucking man.
	Be a man, ladies.
	Be a man.
	Sorry, I got us off on a not funny track.
	I said something funny to talk about.
	What about dating?
	What's up in the date in the love life?
	I don't know.
	Yeah.
	Welcome.
	These dudes' butts, man.
	They're so hungry for my cock.
	Are they really?
	Yeah.
	Have you been doing, you don't do gay stuff, huh?
	Sometimes, yeah, get in there and mix it up.
	I've never done it, man.
	I think if I was in like the mill or a war or something, maybe.
	Yeah.
	How long in the zombie apocalypse would it take for you to fuck a fuck a butt?
	No woman?
	Man or woman?
	Have you ever fucked a woman butt?
	I've probably been around.
	I've done what I could anyway.
	It's a real, it's it looks easier on in a drawing, you know.
	Do you still do hugging conventions?
	It looks easier in.
	Oh, you mean the orgasm meditation conventions?
	The huggings.
	You go over and like cuddle with people?
	No, I never did that.
	What I did was the orgasm meditation.
	What is that?
	They just had a documentary on it, actually.
	I just watched a little bit of it.
	Oh, no, on the orgasmic meditation.
	It was called One Taste.
	This was a program.
	I thought, yeah, dude, go over and keep women company.
	Yeah.
	So this was the program, man.
	It's so funny you mentioned that, dude.
	You have such a good memory.
	Sometimes.
	Short term, gone.
	Long term is still there.
	Yeah, we talked about it 10 years ago.
	That's why.
	This one, they had this orgasm incorporated.
	She's cute.
	She can get it.
	That chick can get it.
	She is the creator of it.
	I think her name was Audra something.
	She can call herself whatever she wants.
	So she, this was orgasm meditation.
	I got invited by the lady that does Tommy Pickle's voice on rug rats, right?
	So she invited me.
	I met her on a podcast and she invites me down to this meditation thing.
	Her brother, I think, had been in prison and he was there.
	So next thing I know, I walk in.
	It's like this kind of nice ambiance.
	It's in a warehouse downtown.
	And there's people like having like little, you know, cantaloupe and everything like that, little tray of this and that, little meats, select meats and stuff like that.
	And so I'm having a nice time.
	And then we all sit in the chairs.
	They start telling us what it's about.
	And then it's called orgasmic meditation.
	Then they get a woman up front on this table and they take her underwear off.
	And then she like has her legs open.
	Yeah, this is it kind of.
	She has her legs open on these pillows and then the man puts on gloves and they just pick two people out of this.
	I mean, it was like Red Rover, Red Rover.
	What?
	So this dude is like, oh man, it's so embarrassing too.
	Like, you might, oh, it's like in classroom.
	They're like, who knows the answer?
	And you're like, don't call me, don't call me.
	Yeah.
	And this is like raising your hand, but with your pussy.
	And so you got to go in there and just fucking.
	Well, they teach you how to do it.
	They teach you how to use, you just use one finger and you do a certain amount of lotion and stuff like that.
	And first you have to describe the woman's vulva maybe or something.
	I don't know what it's called.
	Ubula?
	Pussy?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, you got to describe that.
	And it's kind of crazy because sometimes you're like, man, it looked like – Well, it looks like somebody made it with a shotgun.
	But then sometimes you're like, serious medical help.
	Yeah, sometimes you're like, man, this thing looks like a damn paper cut with a fucking positive attitude on it.
	But anyway, you had to do that.
	And then you had to sit there and they had like a certain way you had to kind of pleasure the woman.
	Clitoral stimulation.
	And the boss would walk around and tell you how to do it.
	So you would.
	Like a yoga instructor is like, no, no, get your back.
	Oh, wow.
	And it would be 15 minutes of pure doing that.
	And you do that?
	You reached in and fucking.
	You have gloves on.
	So it's almost just like dying.
	It's almost like dying your sideburns or your beard.
	I mean, it just, you know, it just takes a little while.
	In a way, I'm sure it is.
	In another way, it's really different than that.
	But it was crazy, man.
	And then at the end, you all hug.
	They do a big team hug.
	And you never fucked?
	No, but there's people that want to, I mean, like, you So then you get on the message boards and now you're driving over to people's houses during the day and stopping over.
	And one lady over on Laurel Canyon up there, her dog bit, that's when I quit.
	Her dog bit me while I was doing the thing, you know, and she wouldn't lock the dog up.
	And so I'm fighting with this lady and her, you know, her pants or just the whole, it was like, this is too much.
	I don't want to get a charge or nothing.
	And I'm not doing anything bad, you know.
	But it was sometimes you go over and then they want set.
	You get them all revved up.
	Like, hey.
	Yeah.
	You're like, I'm just trying to do the program, dude.
	Because it'd be matched up.
	You get matched up with a 70-year-old.
	You get matched up with like a 21-year-old.
	Yeah, and then you turned on.
	I heard a story about Red Fox.
	He would ask somebody to go to the comedy store, the waitresses.
	His office was like down the street from the store.
	And he'd say, go ask those hot waitresses, you know, guys, whatever, to come over to my place and say, Red Fox wants you to go over there and give you $500.
	He just wants to go down on you.
	That's it.
	And they're like, what do you mean?
	He goes, he wants to go down on you.
	I'll give you 500 bucks.
	And he goes, I don't have to have sex.
	Like, nope.
	500 bucks.
	Wow.
	He'll go down on you.
	I'm like, well, okay.
	Celebrity wants to go down on me.
	500 bucks.
	Not bad.
	I don't have to do anything.
	Once you're in there, he's going down on you.
	He goes, hey, 500 more, let's fuck.
	And you're already in the mindset.
	You're already like have this guy licking your box.
	And you're like, all right, fuck it.
	Yeah, let's go.
	Wow.
	You wouldn't have gone for a thousand for sex incrementally.
	So what is that?
	Is that like.
	You're already fucking rubbing a chick's fucking monkey.
	Yeah.
	And then it's like, oh, well, don't leave so soon.
	And then he leaves and he's like, now you know why they call me Red Fox.
	Maybe he's like the minstrel starter and he just like starts.
	It's like.
	Yeah, the minstrel show.
	You worried you're pregnant?
	Yeah, don't worry.
	I got you.
	Damn, dude.
	And he's just wearing a chef's hat.
	So racist.
	Those are kids?
	Those are my nieces and nephews.
	They're good kids.
	They're pretty good.
	The one's bad.
	You can see the one is bad.
	Which one is he?
	That one.
	He's got problems.
	Oh, yeah, he does, actually.
	He used to hide on the shelves, and you come in a room and he fucking like a damn gargoyle.
	Yeah, he was real wild.
	Have you had the chance to be an uncle or an aunt?
	I have an uncle a ton.
	Are you?
	Yeah, I'm the cool uncle.
	My brother thought he was the cool uncle.
	And I was like, why would you be the cool uncle?
	And he's like, what do you mean?
	I'm like, cool.
	And I'm like, Michael, I fuck hookers, dude.
	What are you talking about?
	Yeah.
	I travel the world.
	Yeah.
	You might be a cool uncle in another family.
	Right.
	I'm a stand-up comedian, dude.
	Right.
	What do you get?
	Casual Fridays?
	Yeah.
	Get the fuck out of here, bro.
	I'm the cool uncle.
	Yeah, I'm the cool uncle.
	They're all, when they want to experiment with drugs, who are they going to call?
	You.
	You or me?
	Yeah.
	Me.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's true, huh?
	There is something fun about being the cool uncle.
	Also, there's something that gets weird for me about being the still single, the still not married uncle.
	Right.
	Do you start to feel that at all?
	Like you're at an event and you realize, oh my God, everybody here has a spouse or a significant other.
	Yeah, your friends from high school, too, where they're like, what?
	And they'll live through you.
	You go to the beach weekend with them.
	Like, you're going to try to fuck?
	I'm like, no, I'm here with you guys.
	We're playing Kane Jam.
	Yeah.
	And they're like, you're trying to fuck.
	And I'm like, guys, relax.
	And the only person around here is your wife.
	So you need to be making this stuff on.
	And besides, she hates you.
	She's going to leave in about six months.
	Exactly.
	I can see it.
	I've seen breakups.
	You haven't.
	They've been going well.
	Yeah, it is weird because you also start to be like, people are like, I don't know.
	Guys are like, I don't know if I want that guy around, some single guy.
	And then also.
	The wives start to hate you.
	Yeah, the wives.
	And then the kids will get into college.
	And then, dude, I had a buddy of mine's kid was flirting with me.
	And I'm like, Jeepers, creepers, man.
	You know, an adult, you know.
	Yeah, but 22 years old.
	Yeah.
	But I'm like, shut this down, you know.
	You got to fuck her.
	No.
	You got to.
	I'm sorry, dude.
	The ruling's been made.
	It's out of my hands now.
	I like a second opinion, your honor.
	And then there's some black dude in a chef's hand.
	It's like, fuck her, buddy.
	Dude, I'm always telling my buddy's kid to like, she's like kind of, not shiftless, but directionless.
	She's like, she went to a year of college and she's trying to figure it out.
	And I'm like, I'm like, hey, you should go travel.
	Same as I tell you, but I'm like, especially a 20, 21-year-old.
	I'm like, it's the perfect time.
	Take that gap here.
	Find out what you're interested in.
	Go to South America.
	And I don't tell my buddy that I keep telling her that, you know, because I can't be like, what?
	Are you telling my fucking kid to leave the country?
	And I'm like, I mean, as your kid's friend.
	Yeah, I'm telling her like real advice.
	It's up to you to let her not go.
	Yeah, that's true.
	Do you saw my special Jew on YouTube?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, she loved it.
	People are liking it.
	Have you noticed that there's been a good, well, I guess you'll probably start going out and touring more now?
	Or what's kind of some of the plan after it?
	It is a plan, and you want people to see you.
	People want to see you.
	People will.
	You know, I'm going to get lost a little bit, you know, take a little vacay, go to South America.
	So where is a place that I should, what's a place, because if I'm not doing drugs and stuff, what's a good place for me to go?
	Oh, my God.
	So many.
	Okay.
	What interests you?
	Maui, I like.
	Usually.
	Okay.
	Let's go deeper than that.
	Okay.
	We're further away.
	That's another country.
	All right.
	What do you got?
	What's what claws at your head?
	You know, you got some weeds in there.
	What have you always been interested in?
	I like Spanish.
	Okay.
	What about Spain?
	What about all of Latin America?
	Any countries that kind of pop into your head of like, let me just throw some names out.
	Belize, Guatemala, Nicaragua.
	Nicaragua.
	My father's from there.
	That'd be cool.
	Doesn't smoke cigars at all?
	Argentina would be cool.
	Have you been there?
	No, I would love to.
	Yeah, go to what's the main city in Argentina?
	San Paulo.
	No.
	No.
	San Paulo's Brazil.
	Dan doesn't know it.
	I thought I knew it off the top of my head.
	Damn, I should know it.
	I know we all should.
	Buenos Aires.
	Buenos Aires.
	Start there, take some Tango classes.
	Wim Ferris went there?
	A long time ago?
	Yeah.
	And then fell in love with Tango.
	Lived there for six months taking Tango lessons.
	Do you think it's...
	There's great state and then go away from the city.
	You can get an Airbnb to have a home base there and then go on little trips and come back to that Airbnb.
	Take my podcast stuff, do a couple episodes down there if I need to.
	A thousand percent you could do that.
	Especially you do it solo a lot, right?
	Yeah, sometimes.
	Next week is solo, guys.
	Well, dude, then yeah.
	And then you'd have all these experiences and come back, whip out a few.
	I just did this crazy trip doing this.
	I took my first thing to do an hour on that.
	And then like the next day, like, I had another crazy experience.
	Wait again.
	Space them out, you know, release them every week.
	Oh, if you could take your podcast shit there for sure.
	Find an Argentinian comic who speaks English.
	Or just anti-Argentinian.
	100%.
	Interview them.
	Regular people shit.
	Where is a place?
	Yes, you could do that.
	That is a good idea.
	I wonder if right after Christmas, I have some time.
	This is what I told Bobby because he said guys might be doing something.
	And he goes, well, I got to finish whatever he's finishing in whenever it is.
	And then he goes, and then I might have this thing.
	I'm like, put it in your contract ahead of time.
	You can't, you're done.
	No matter when whatever deal is finalized, you're done, June, July.
	You're not available.
	We can start in August.
	And they go, well, we want you.
	He's like, it's already my deal.
	Start in August.
	I was like, talk to Theo ahead of time.
	Have your same, take the same fucking time.
	Dude, Buenos Aires, you know how jealous I am just hearing that the thought of that is a possibility?
	It's that fun?
	Oh my God.
	Take your podcast with me.
	So take some Spanish classes.
	Go there and just enroll in a Spanish class.
	You know, it'll give you some like direction every day.
	You'll meet some other people in the class.
	Plus, you'll be a nobody, which will be cool.
	Yeah.
	You know, walk the streets.
	No one will look at you.
	No one will say anything to you.
	And you can do your podcast from there.
	God damn it.
	You've made a fucking perfect life.
	Fuck, I'm legitimately jealous at the thought of that.
	I'm jealous at the thought of it too.
	And it could be a reality.
	It could easily be a reality.
	Grab this fucking mic and just take it in.
	Unscrew this thing.
	I hope.
	What's a place where you've gone if you're doing, so just so our audience knows, if people want to meet great food, where do they go?
	Because you've been so many places.
	Thailand is great food.
	Mexico is like the star of Latin America for food.
	But I mean, there's also great food everywhere.
	But like, I'm trying to think.
	Europe is not as great for food.
	Finding a wife, where do they go?
	Vietnam, Cambodia.
	Yeah, you can fucking get yourself a nice one.
	Dude, I went to.
	I mean, an actual wife, not a sex.
	Oh.
	People like Costa Rica.
	Oh, yeah.
	Learn to surf.
	Yeah.
	Down in the Florida Keys.
	It's a different place, but yeah.
	Where else, dude?
	Dude, I went to look for some live music.
	I was in, I think, Cambodia.
	And I was like, it was my day, my psychogeography of the desert.
	I'm going to find some live music.
	I'm going to sit with my notebook and do some writing.
	Couldn't find it.
	Eventually it was like, oh, I think there's some in this bar.
	They're like, oh, only on Mondays.
	I'm like, fuck.
	And then I kept all night, like, look, found some, and it was just an 80s cover band.
	And it was a sex bar.
	Wow.
	And it was all these old 62-year-old men, you know, with their young women and young men.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	And they were all, they had a community.
	And if it was cheesy fucking beach rock, you know, playing cranberries and shit like that.
	And all these dudes.
	Yeah.
	Some guys getting a blowjob by like a 21. And they're not in a rush because these girls are hanging out with them, you know, and they're all talking to each other.
	They're all smiling because they're not worried about some chick bringing them down.
	They're just like, you have $8?
	Wow, you can change my life.
	Yeah.
	It was so cool.
	Dude, I would love to see you host a show like a 90-day fiancée or something like that.
	Because I feel like you'd have such a good take on where these people are from and some of the ambiance of these countries and the reality of them staying together and the bullshit, you know?
	Yeah.
	If you did a recap of that, I think.
	Talk to them.
	Like, what's it like there?
	No judgment.
	Yeah.
	No judgment.
	That's the key.
	No judgment.
	Because people go over there and, you know, somebody gots a little calf with them or something.
	There's a lot of dowry going on and it's like you kind of don't know what's going on.
	Some of them, too, they'll be your tour guide slash sex person for like a week or two and then they're just like, I love you.
	It's like a girlfriend experience.
	And then they go, hey, I'm having trouble paying my rent.
	Do you mind sending me?
	They're like, here's 500 bucks.
	And every year they'll be like, hey, my son's having surgery.
	He's like, here's 500 bucks.
	They get six or seven of those guys on the hook.
	They're making their living.
	Fuck.
	500 bucks every two months with a different guy.
	They used to have a guy when a lot of Nigerians dude and our Nigerias, whatever they call them.
	But whenever they were doing that thing where they were scamming people on the internet, scamming people's grandparents.
	Oh, yeah.
	There's a comedian his grandparents got scammed, right?
	So he started, his grandmother got scammed.
	I wish I could remember his name.
	Bob Sagett.
	He worked with Bob Sagitt?
	It was Bob Sagitt.
	Oh, happened to Bob Sagitt?
	Well, there was another guy that had happened to.
	And it...
	So this did happen to Bob Sagitt.
	Oh, no, I think it was Louis Anderson this happened to.
	Okay.
	Oh, right.
	Okay.
	So his mother got scammed.
	So then what he started doing was he started saying to these, he started contacting these people and saying, all right, I'll give you this money.
	They didn't know it was the grandson.
	I'll give you this money if you do a reenactment of like the intro to or this scene from Seinfeld.
	And he'd send them a link to the scene and then he'd have like four Nigerians send back like a spoof like and he just kept putting these together.
	Oh, he played a couple of them for me.
	It was so ridiculous.
	Dude Thibault does that.
	Jason Thibault does that with like with like sex like, hey, I'm horny.
	And he'd be like, what are you up to now?
	He goes back and forth with him on like DMs.
	And he's like, I don't know.
	I'm thinking of killing myself.
	What you up to?
	I'm like, I need a man.
	And he goes, yeah, it's cool.
	Reading a good book.
	He just refuses.
	He just keeps him on the line.
	It's so great.
	Oh, it's so fun to fuck with him back.
	And you're like, you're not going to get me.
	Yeah, that sex, man.
	Yeah, getting that sex, getting into that sex work.
	I wonder if that's how Bobby got his Twitter hacked.
	Oh, is that what happened?
	I bet he was like, somebody was like, you're so hot.
	He was like, well, let me send you my passwords.
	I bet it must have been.
	Who gets scammed if you're not a grandma?
	Did his Twitter get hacked?
	I didn't see that.
	What'd they do?
	Send out nudes or something?
	No, they're just like, give me money.
	Hey, I need, so can you wire me 200 bucks?
	I got to make bail.
	I got a buddy like that.
	We knew a guy who got the Nigerian scam.
	These guys used to hang out at the store.
	His tweets are protected.
	His account's locked now.
	If anyone can help Bobby get his Twitter back, let him know.
	If they're protected by Stevie, he's fucked.
	Stevie Weeby.
	Yeah, and he said his brother was like, hey, he's acting like a dick to all of us.
	What's going on?
	Like, why are you acting like a dick?
	He's like, I'm about to come into some fucking money.
	You guys will all be sorry.
	And they're like, what?
	Like, yeah, dude.
	He started just being a complete asshole to everybody.
	And they're like, where are you getting this money?
	He's like, I know a guy, royalty, getting out.
	And I got off.
	And they're like, what?
	Like, he fell for it.
	A 22-year-old.
	No.
	And they're like, that's a scam.
	He goes, no, it's not.
	And they were like, was he from Nigeria?
	And they're like, he was like, it's not a scam.
	Just realized, like, that's your natural state is to be a dick.
	Oh.
	Yeah, money will make you see some things about yourself, man.
	We gave Eddie Bravo, or Redband did, we were on the road, I think it was in Boston with Rogan.
	And he got one of those fake scratch-off tickets, handed out a couple losers and one winner.
	They always sell them in like three.
	So Redman's like, here, I got everybody scratch-offs.
	He gave Eddie Bravo the fake one.
	And he gets two like cash cash.
	And he goes, whoa.
	And we're all like, I was like, oh, I lost.
	Redman's like, I fucking lost too.
	And he's like, I need one more cash sign.
	And he fucking hits it.
	We let him play.
	And he's like, oh, my God, I won $10,000.
	This is crazy.
	And we're like, wait.
	And he goes, Redman, I'm giving you $5,000.
	I'm giving you $5,000.
	That was so cool.
	The whole drinks are on me.
	And he was so nice.
	We're like, oh, fuck.
	We were like hoping he'd be a dick.
	He was so nice.
	We're like, oh, we got to break the news to him.
	We felt so bad.
	I'm glad you brought him up.
	I got to text Eddie back, actually.
	Even saying that makes me feel like, dang, I need to message him.
	What else do we have?
	Some more news that came up?
	Yeah, we got some stories here.
	Well, Elon Musk apparently fired a Twitter employee who disagreed with him.
	You must love this, Ari, huh?
	I love it.
	You must love this world because Elon is now this sort of geppetto of this world that was really that we don't need Twitter.
	We don't.
	I deleted mine a year and a half ago.
	It's such a toxic Place.
	It's such a you can't say anything like, oh, I like this cactus.
	Like, well, there's a lot of other fucking fruit, vegetable fruits, and trees that need help too.
	And you're like, oh, it's just, it's only there for apologies.
	And wow.
	After they spoke out in Twitter and even the company's private select, yeah, I guess a developer was kind of Elon tweeted something about like the infrastructure of Twitter and a developer was like, he's wrong.
	And then Elon fired him.
	Oh, guess what?
	These people lost their way.
	This Gen Z and even some millennials, they think they're powerful.
	You can't publicly talk shit about your boss.
	It's like, what world did you grow up in?
	Well, you can just shit on your boss and think that's okay.
	And they all do on Slack.
	They go over people's heads.
	That's why New York Times can't write a real story because you go over your boss's heads, your boss's boss.
	And they go, hey, are you not printing the stories of the young black people?
	I'm like, no, I'm printing the stories of fucking college kids.
	That's why I'm not printing.
	It's like, what?
	And now we're beholden to the fucking employees instead of the employers.
	And Elon Musk's like, nah, I built a billion dollar company.
	You know, nah.
	Yeah.
	No, you're fire.
	Get out of here.
	Like, don't that lady who walked out on Chappelle got made as a guest on SNL for the fucking eighth time, you know?
	And she's like, I'm walking out.
	It's like, or you could just write a pro-trans fucking sketch and make him be in it.
	Yeah.
	You know, you actually have a voice.
	You're going to walk out.
	If I was that boss, I'd be like, don't come back.
	It's okay.
	That's fair.
	No, you voice your opinion.
	Don't come back.
	We booked a guest and you're an employee here.
	You're not allowed to walk out.
	Do you think Hollywood has narrowed itself into a hole?
	I mean, I think a lot of like, you can't even make fun.
	The only people you can make fun of anymore are Russians, I feel like, or poor people.
	Even then, look at Top Gun.
	They go just go the enemy.
	You can't even make fun of Russia.
	Yeah.
	Or poor white people, they still make fun of us.
	Poor whites, yeah.
	Most of your family.
	They're like Theo's family.
	String them up.
	I think that's why you get a lot of people that are so like against Christians.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, you can't make fun of Jews.
	You can't make fun of blacks.
	You can't make fun of gays.
	I'm a new special artist for Jew on YouTube right now.
	Guys, I'm fucking broke.
	Please go in there, watch it, donate.
	I need some fucking money.
	That is affordable pizza.
	I do.
	One thing I loved about your special was the special was free, right?
	And then one of the first comments was, it was like, who says Jews never give anything away for free?
	Now go donate.
	Exactly.
	Yeah, I'm like, here's this free thing, but give me some money.
	Yeah, but it was, I thought that was really, really cute, though.
	But that's cool.
	Yeah, guys, check it out and make a donation there to support the freedom of comedy also, too.
	You know, I always wondered if guys like Rogan would create a platform that people subscribe to, you know?
	That would be cool.
	I could see Segura doing it too, like a $5 a month app on your Apple TV.
	And you get a special a month.
	Special a month, just content.
	Just content's coming out.
	And don't worry, it's going to be funny because the guy in charge is like, we want funny.
	Right.
	Will you have black people?
	Yeah, sure.
	We're booking funny people.
	We'll have everybody.
	Yeah.
	But we're not going to be like, fuck, we haven't had a, I don't know, Arab comic in too long.
	Just get us an open micer.
	Like, they're not going to do that.
	So, yeah, that would be great.
	And that's, I guess, a lot of things get put on Rogan's shoulders, I guess, hypothetically, since he's such a force, you know?
	But yeah, guys like Segura, or even if a group of comedians partnered up and said, okay, let's create this platform.
	We'll each put a special on it once every two years.
	So you know what?
	They say like you make money on YouTube, right?
	They say, like, if you see the, so if you're making money on YouTube and they're selling ads, YouTube is making money on YouTube.
	Most of the money.
	Most of it, right?
	Probably 80, 90% of it.
	Which is fine, whatever.
	They kick some down, so it incentivizes you to put stuff up.
	But what if we just made our own platform and we put stuff up on YouTube and there, this other platform where we get all of it, minus some operating costs.
	We just get all of it.
	That'd be a lot of money.
	Yeah.
	You know, if we're making 10% of it and you can make, so far, three and a half million hits on that.
	I think I've made like 25 grand in ad revenue.
	And that's 10% of what they're making.
	So what if I made 250?
	Well, my special will be paid off.
	You know?
	That's true.
	Who's going to make maybe a few comics?
	The dream's out there.
	I don't have the wherewithal.
	Someone needs to put it in.
	I've mentioned it to some other comedians.
	I think it's hard to make a platform that actually works well, doesn't lag and shit like that.
	Right.
	I think you would get together because say if you got, you know, if you get a million people to subscribe at $5 a month, they know they're going to get one.
	Even ads, even free.
	Just come here.
	And then the ads come in just like here, but we get it all.
	Right.
	I guess I was thinking of something that just had specials on it.
	That too.
	That would also be.
	So even if you started with that, you just had specials.
	Yeah.
	A special a month for five bucks.
	A special a month for five bucks.
	You would need a lot of subscribers because if you had 50 people, wouldn't pay for it.
	Right.
	You have to have a, say, if you get a million, right?
	Yeah.
	Which I think, say, if you had enough certain comedians, you could get them all to say.
	Split it up.
	Right.
	You could go by what views.
	You could decide after the end of the year.
	So 50 million a year.
	50 million a month.
	Oh, my God.
	Yeah.
	No, no, no.
	$5 million a month.
	Oh, if you got a million people, $5.
	Good call.
	Yeah.
	Damn.
	It was like, wow, it's too good to be true.
	And that's why you need.
	That's swamp math.
	That's why you need a call.
	That's why you need an accountant.
	That's why you need an Ari Shafir Jew on YouTube.
	You got to have a partner in crime.
	Yeah.
	$5 million a month.
	So that's $60 million a year.
	So now we're working on it.
	So then if you paid the comedian, say you gave each comedian whoever's going to put their special on, you gave them $2 million, right?
	Yeah.
	For their special.
	And then you said also, in three years, you get the special back.
	It's returned back to you.
	You always own it.
	It's just sitting here.
	Right.
	It'll sit here for a certain number of years.
	And then at a certain number of years, it'll go back to you.
	And then every month you did that.
	Split it up by downloads, whatever.
	And it's also, hey, if people are coming here to watch specials, keep it up there.
	Right.
	You know?
	Yeah, you can keep it there.
	Put it up on YouTube as well.
	Sure, but you're getting less percentage on YouTube than here.
	Put it up on both.
	But I think then you would have a platform that kind of sets comedy free in a way.
	Sets it free.
	I mean, it would only be free.
	I mean, making $2 million would be a lot more than losing $180,000.
	Please donate, guys.
	I'm fucking so broke.
	We're going to make a nice donation to it, man, just to thank you for coming too.
	Oh, nice.
	And for your time.
	I got some 50s.
	People donate 50 bucks.
	Some people donate one.
	And I'm like, that's great.
	I get it.
	You don't have any money, but you want to be like, that was good.
	Do something.
	I like those.
	Is there a strong support from the Jewish community being Jewish?
	Do you feel like?
	Dude, I thought it might go negative, and it's not been that.
	It's been really like, people are like, this is awesome.
	This is clearly reverential to our society, making fun in a fun way, you know?
	Yeah, what are the rules of that you can make fun of Jews or not?
	Like, or joke about it?
	It's its tone.
	If I'm like, I'm like, if you like, I don't know, if I say like, shut up, redneck, you know, you know, I'm joking.
	There's a tone behind it where some other guy's like, shut up, redneck.
	You'd be like, hey, hey, no.
	You know, there's like, you can tell friendliness.
	So 100%.
	It's tough to tell.
	And even, I guess, and if a joke is good, too.
	That helps too.
	If a joke doesn't go over, it seems more hateful than if it does go over.
	Like me, Brian Dorfman and I always tell Jewish jokes to each other, right?
	And he, what is one of my favorite ones?
	It's like, oh, what did the one Jewish guy say the other game was?
	He goes, hey, man, I'm sorry to hear about the fire.
	And he goes, it's Tuesday.
	Hasn't happened yet?
	That's what Diaz calls Jewish lightning.
	The insurance.
	He's talking about some strip club burning down on Sunset.
	He goes, dude, it caught fire.
	It burned so much that the bus stop outside on the sidewalk melted.
	That ain't no fucking fire.
	That's where they went too hard on it.
	It burned harder than 9-11, dude.
	Which we also planned.
	Yeah, that's one of my favorite.
	That's a good one.
	Remember the lady from Crackers?
	Yeah.
	Tom Segur took me there.
	He goes, he goes, hey, it's a break-even week, but it'll get you in, you know, if you want to come feature for me.
	It'll just pay for your flights, but she puts you in a hotel, so that's fine.
	Okay.
	And she started running with Jujo.
	And I was on stage and she goes to Tom, she goes, should we throw quarters at him?
	Really?
	I don't think you should.
	You give people the power to like, I go nuts.
	That's true, huh?
	That's interesting.
	Did you feel like a lot of the Kanye stuff, like, did they, did you have people asking you about it?
	Oh, yeah.
	I think it was probably mislabeled.
	What do you think is going on with Kanye?
	I don't think he's happy with his agents.
	He's saying, legitimately, he's saying the same shit that I've said for years.
	You call agents your Jews.
	I've just call them your Jews.
	There's a lot of Jews in there.
	So it's a colloquial, you know.
	Right.
	My literal agent is not Jewish, but he's one of my Jews.
	And when he goes, I'm going DEF CON on the Jews, he means he's going to fire his agents.
	He's just saying it.
	He's an artist.
	He's not just going to say, I'm going to fire my agents.
	That's not fun.
	I wish he'd do it through song.
	That's where he excels.
	You know?
	But these anti-Semitic statements, like, guys, he doesn't, they write a narrative and then they go like, that narrative can't be wrong.
	So let's jump off from there.
	I'm like, I think you're jumping off ground might be wrong.
	You know?
	It's, oh, he's Theo's wearing a purple shirt.
	So he's gay.
	So as a gay man sitting here, he has to do this.
	And I'm like, wait, you might not be right about the gay part.
	Can we re-examine?
	Like, it's a narrative.
	It's already set.
	Right.
	And so I just don't think he's that.
	And then you're pushing him deeper and deeper into like defending himself.
	You're pushing him to be anti-Semitic.
	He might have had one thought here or there.
	It's a little off.
	And now you're making who's coming on.
	Who's coming down on him?
	The fucking Jews are coming down on him.
	So now you're the oppressor.
	I just don't think it's all that.
	I think Kyrie Irvin, too, is like, he saw a fucking documentary.
	Yeah, we've all been there.
	Yeah.
	He saw a flat earth documentary, too, and he liked that one.
	Dude, I'll tell you this.
	I'll tell you how I even learned about flat earth.
	I'm at a pizza spot, Palm Springs.
	Two black dudes roll up on me.
	They say, do you think that that pizza is round or flat?
	That's what they said.
	Interesting.
	It's both.
	Right.
	And next thing you know, for one hour, I'm sitting in an Italian spot listening to two brothers tell me about flat earth.
	I'd love to hear that.
	Here's my advice to everybody.
	When you meet a crazy person, do not argue with them.
	You've gained nothing.
	You will not change their opinion and you will have lost a chance to hear their whole crazy argument.
	You meet a QAnon person, you go, you're making some good points.
	What else you got?
	Just do your research.
	You won't get access like that.
	That's a good point.
	You know, if you get fucking Mike Shanahan going like, can I tell you about some plays?
	Like, oh, no, those plays don't work.
	No, just go, okay, I'm here listening.
	Just listen.
	Yeah.
	So yeah, Flatter.
	By the way, literally every person I know, maybe outside Joe Rogan, cannot prove to you that the earth is round.
	I think it's round, but I can't tell you why.
	I would not be shocked if it wasn't.
	Yeah, I'd be like, I would not be shocked, dude.
	Yeah, who the fuck was Galileo?
	He didn't even have fucking Spotify.
	That was one thing that I thought was interesting that Kanye said was about like history, like the people, whoever owns the world or controls the world writes the history.
	That's true.
	That's fascinating, dude.
	Because I went to Cuba as a student.
	I went to Cuba and the bookstores there, they start with when Fidel and Che had control.
	Wow.
	And you can't get a bookstore.
	You can't get it.
	That's like 1984.
	If you rewrite the history.
	In Shanghai, Ho Chi Minh, excuse me, that's what they call it.
	They call it the American War, not the Vietnam War, because it's like, this is just the Americans attacking us, which is one of the, we just drove out the French, and then we had a few years, and the Americans came in.
	They call it the War Remberence Museum, something like that.
	And it's just about the American incursion.
	And it's like, oh, yeah, I guess you have a different angle on it than we do.
	You were just living your life and suddenly some fucking round eyes showed up, started pushing you around.
	Oh, yeah, weird.
	Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it?
	It's interesting that, like, even in Rome, probably, the Romans probably had the ability to write history.
	Yeah, that's what they're doing now when Rolling Stones rewrites a list of like top albums.
	They're like, well, it was all white albums with a few, but it's like, they actually make really good music.
	We should re-examine that based on like, you know, if I had to write top albums, it'd all be alt rock.
	You know, it wouldn't even be metal.
	Yeah.
	So I shouldn't be able to write it.
	Right.
	But if I was in charge, it'd be all arcade fire one through four.
	You know, I mean, then the killers four through eight, you know, yeah, so you need some other ideas in there.
	Yeah, that's that's sometimes what I think about Hollywood, like that.
	I felt about Hollywood is like I would go into a lot of meetings, a lot of pitches, and stuff, and it kind of felt like the people had the same, it was like the same people over a while, you know, or the same mind, like not even.
	Same mindset.
	Yeah, it's like, it's like you don't want a diversity of experience, you know, like we need some black people.
	It's like, well, go get Miss Pat.
	They're like, yeah, that's not the kind of black we're looking for.
	And like, well, go find them.
	It's not just like this.
	It was like, whenever we did this not happening, it was like, we needed this, we needed this.
	It was the same list of minorities.
	And I'm like, guys, these, these aren't good.
	Yeah.
	You got to go look.
	You got to go to Houston and find Ali.
	I need a guy who has N-word in his name.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Like, I need somebody who's like, you know what I'm saying?
	Or I need somebody who's.
	Brother Ali.
	Yeah.
	Or somebody who's like, yeah, it just, I think that's been one of the things about Hollywood that I think puts us in a place like Quentin Tarantino, what did he just say?
	If you're able to find that up, Zach?
	Yeah, he just did an interview where he said we're in the worst age of movies of all time.
	I agree.
	If you wanted to do a cop drama right now from the 70s, set in the 70s, you couldn't show the reality of that.
	So you're showing a fake version of it.
	Or you're just like, then do a cop drama set now because you can't show the reality.
	So then it's like, you ever watched like a show when you were growing up and all the cops are like, shut the freak up.
	And you're like, all right.
	But you definitely didn't say freak a lot.
	Yeah.
	You know, but it's like, all right, there's sensors.
	Now there's like sensors are even bigger.
	You can't just, I mean, when they did the comedy store show, whatever that one was, that Magical was on.
	Oh, was that when Adam died?
	No, he didn't die.
	Who died?
	It was about Mitzi and all that.
	It was like, so I'm dying up here.
	That's it.
	And then in middle of that, they had the Me Too movement.
	And they go, well, let's show the women in the 70s being strong, independent.
	It's like, well, that's not what the fucking show was.
	And just in the middle of it, they were like, oh, this just got lame because they're worried about fucking presenting a case instead of just like presenting the truth and something fun.
	That's what gets concerning to me is Hollywood, like, are we starting to get to a point where we're not even presenting the truth, what's really happening?
	but also because we don't, it's the same type of people in there that we don't know what's happening.
	They don't have a firm just like- They don't understand it, so they don't even know what they're taking down.
	Sophie Buttle just had this, she made a fucking joke in her special calling attention to the fucking rapes of Indigenous people in Canada.
	And somebody's like, well, these are troubling things.
	Yeah, I know.
	So I'm bringing it up.
	I've been raped and I'm fucking saying the similarities to what they've been going through.
	And they fucking crave TV, fucking cave TV, just fucking took it down.
	She's getting all these death threats and she goes, I'm on the front lines of your fucking cause.
	And you're coming after me?
	Are you fucking nuts?
	They're so worried about it.
	They never understand their issue.
	And they just go like, ah, get rid of it.
	And you're like, it's your fucking guy with the black guy with the chef hat.
	Yeah.
	Who wants a muffin?
	You're racist.
	Like, I'm me.
	It's crazy.
	I know.
	And then that's when you start to fume up, I think, other people who are like, well, quit fucking picking on me.
	Like, yes, I'm from the South.
	I like.
	I'm not that guy.
	But I'm not that guy.
	If we want to know who did slavery, let's go.
	You know that hurt you.
	And you did it anyway.
	You had to disinfect this whole thing.
	But you're doing that because you're looking to change, you know.
	Be the change.
	You wish.
	They call me Harvey Chocolate Milk, son.
	We out here, dog.
	Did you see that dimer thing?
	No.
	You didn't watch it?
	Not yet.
	God.
	Nah.
	I heard a story about a friend of mine who grew up in the Midwest a long time ago when I was in yeshiva.
	I was in seminary.
	And he went over to somebody's house and he made a dimer joke.
	Everybody got quiet.
	Our cousin was one of the victims.
	And he goes, oh, I got to go.
	He's like, no, it's okay.
	He goes, no, I got to go.
	I can't be here anymore.
	I'm so sorry.
	And he left seminary?
	No.
	He was in seminary.
	He told me the story.
	It was just so uncomfortable.
	But, you know, wrong audience for sure, but it's probably still a good joke.
	Yeah, maybe.
	Yeah.
	Damn.
	Yeah, that guy really did it, man.
	Yeah, he really went for it.
	He believed in something.
	He didn't like gays, man.
	He loved them.
	He loved them.
	Yeah.
	But it was interesting.
	He didn't want people to leave him.
	That's why he did it.
	So they'd stay forever?
	Wow.
	You know, outside the box thinking, that's what we need more of in this country.
	Jeffrey Dahmer, hero, spelled his name with an H, you know?
	Who would have thought H in the middle of that?
	And who would have thought eat?
	That guy fucking outside the box.
	Wouldn't that be crazy?
	That would be great.
	Dahmer's.
	And it'd be like burger-shaped like fingers and stuff.
	Like, you know, a lot of chicken fingers.
	A lot of chicken fingers.
	Yeah.
	Chicken is just wink.
	The chicken's winking.
	We're going to Hades, boy.
	Come and get it.
	We're going to Hades.
	What else, man?
	What else is on your mind?
	Ari, anything else for me?
	I don't know.
	Let me think.
	I'm going to look at some new studios today.
	Oh, really?
	I got to get one, I think.
	So I'm excited about that.
	Do you?
	Yeah, I'm starting a travel podcast, and it's like I'm doing it at my home.
	I'll get you on there eventually when you have more time.
	Yep, I owe you a coming on, so I'm going to come on there.
	But I hate when people are like, ah, fuck, I'm busy.
	I'm always like, then let's not do it.
	Like, I'm not looking at anybody get rushed.
	But yeah, and I think I want to get like a studio like this so I can go and like have some more space.
	Would that be in New York or anything?
	New York.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And then I'll just get like a backdrop I can put up in like a studio like this.
	I can just tape it up to the wall.
	Or even like a thing.
	A man told me the other day I was at a breakfast place and he goes, you know what, you could use maybe a certain piece of signage where wherever you are, you take that.
	So that just like this and now it's like Theo Vaughn's World.
	Right.
	You know, or whatever.
	So it just signifies there we are.
	There we are.
	Yeah, I want to do some of these.
	I'm going to do this travel podcast and it's called You'd Be Tripping.
	You can subscribe now, but it's not coming out yet.
	But what I want to do is some of them in a studio and some of them out there in the world.
	So if I meet some traveler in fucking Brazil And we're in the rainforest.
	I'm like, dude, let's shoot right here.
	This will be cool.
	We're in front of a waterfall.
	Yeah.
	You know, I did one in a hostel in Paris with this guy who's like traveling for fucking a year in just some hostel.
	And I'm like, this is cool.
	Let's do it here.
	This is a cool setting.
	It's not quite as good looking as a studio like this, but it has some uniqueness.
	And there's the original element of the rogueness of it.
	There's that podcast that's not a podcast.
	Have you seen that podcast, but outside?
	Have you seen that, Zach?
	Yeah, yeah.
	They do.
	They shoot it out here on the street in LA in a podcast.
	That's kind of interesting.
	That's interesting.
	So each one is like, who's walking by?
	I like shooting them outside.
	I think if they don't really go with, like, I feel like they're pretty safe.
	They keep things pretty safe on there.
	I've seen them.
	They were out on Sunday.
	Oh, damn.
	They set up a chair and tables.
	Podcast, but outside.
	That's great.
	I got Don Draper one time.
	That's great.
	Me and Bobby Kelly, we do this cigar podcast.
	Two comics, two cigars.
	And it's just like me and Bobby Kelly or me and Liz.
	Just two comics.
	Record a fucking podcast just with an iPhone and fucking clap it and just like smoke a cigar and talk about it.
	And then talk.
	So we did one at a cigar plantation, the Foundation Cigars.
	And we just went in the tobacco fields and we set them up and did it.
	And it just looks cool in front of a field of tobacco leaves.
	Yeah, but it's on?
	It's online?
	Yeah, that one's up there, I think.
	Two comics, two cigars.
	Yeah, from Foundation Cigars.
	Tabernacle.
	Abby Kelly's so funny, huh?
	He's so funny.
	He's a nice guy.
	He's a piece of shit, but he is very funny.
	Yeah.
	That's him.
	Yeah.
	Bad dog beats his dog, too.
	I like that.
	It's uncomfortable, but that's like part of their culture.
	Adam Egot really pulls his dog around the city.
	I've seen.
	Yeah, Austin.
	Yeah, it's like a reindeer thing or something.
	And he's like, his dog was going to be a reindeer, but he didn't make it.
	Oh, right, right.
	So then he's like your disappointment to me.
	I was joking about Bobby Kelby.
	Egan is a piece of shit.
	I mean, it's...
	Yeah, he kind of killed him, too.
	Yeah.
	Norm was like, I shouldn't smoke.
	He's like, just smoke.
	What's the worst that could happen, you know?
	Yeah.
	And then it's like he found out, I guess.
	Oh, damn.
	It's sad.
	It's sad.
	Oh, my God.
	If you started.
	Holocaust and I are too.
	Who did?
	Holocaust and I are Egot.
	Is he really?
	Norm said it, and look what happened to him.
	So actually, can you cut that out?
	I don't want any trouble.
	Yeah, shit.
	I don't want any trouble.
	You don't want any trouble.
	If your next special isn't called I don't want any trouble.
	That's a good one.
	I don't want any trouble.
	That's a good name with Tor too.
	Hey, Photoshoppers, get on that.
	I don't want any trouble, Tor.
	You can put me in all sorts of positions.
	Photoshopper, your Photoshop, I think, needs to be sentenced.
	Your Photoshop makes me fucking squeezed.
	Oh, they all go out of Shart and Torelli and all these guys.
	Comedy Photoshops, yeah.
	I'm glad there's an outlet, man.
	You know, you provide, I mean.
	Those Photoshops I put out, I'm just like, hey, go for it.
	If it makes me laugh or cringe, I'm bound by the gods of comedy to put it up.
	Who was that?
	Who did that one?
	That was Shart.
	That was Shart Salad.
	Oh, yeah, Shart Salad.
	It's just me.
	Yeah, he's great.
	It's just me underneath, if you're listening.
	It's just me underneath a fucking Nazi with a fucking German shepherd on top of it.
	I'm just hanging out in a fucking basement.
	Just going and watch my special Ari.
	What creativity?
	What fucking creativity?
	Ari Shafir, Jew.
	Is there something about being Jewish that other people don't understand?
	Because I've always feel like...
	I heard there's a theory that if you're more than 60 IQ points away from someone else, you actually can't communicate.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	So people like you will never understand.
	Damn.
	You know, the boys.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Damn, dude.
	But, you know, lead by example.
	Do people look at being Jewish?
	Like, is it...
	Yeah, self-hating Jews.
	That's that.
	Yeah, what is that?
	It's like just like, ugh, I hate that in this thing.
	But ugh is a Jewish thing, right?
	You know, we invented ugh.
	Dude, when we were starting comedy, we had a self-hating gay, and that was his act.
	No.
	He's like, I know I'm gay, and it's disgusting.
	Oh, wait.
	I think I know him.
	Was it, he's a seancer now, isn't he?
	Is he really?
	Yeah, I think.
	It was the most interesting, unique take of literally any comic in my entire career.
	He was so good.
	I think.
	He hated himself.
	And he was presented that to the stage of a self-hating gay.
	Didn't deny being gay, but thought he was evil for having these thoughts.
	It was so honest.
	Well, is it?
	So is that something about...
	I'm sure there's a lot of things, right?
	Yeah.
	But is there something about it that like...
	What, like racially?
	No, just like that is their...
	Like, is it, that's not the word.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's the inbreeding.
	I talked about this in the special.
	Oh, there's inbreeding.
	It's all inbreeding.
	So we're failing bodily.
	We're like falling apart.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah.
	We have specific diseases that are made just for Jews.
	And they did it from inbreeding?
	Yeah, too much inbreeding.
	We've been fucking ourselves for too long.
	You need outside genes.
	But you do not want outside genes?
	Is that looked down upon?
	Yeah, it's just like you only fuck Jews.
	But then it's like, well, that's a limited gene base.
	I mean, Iceland is even more limited, and they have an app that shows if you're somebody's cousin.
	No.
	Yeah, you have to go to the app.
	So it's like, it's a bigger scale of that, but if you can fuck anybody, well, now we've got all sorts of genes.
	It's like the Ian Edwards bit.
	The hottest people are like halves.
	Yeah.
	Get two ugly parents from different races.
	The kid is fucking gorgeous.
	So you get two parents with exactly the same thing.
	Their kid is fucking, you know, disease-ridden.
	Yeah.
	Noses, fucking balding.
	So do you have to marry a Jewish person?
	You don't have to?
	I'm out.
	You know?
	But yeah, you're supposed to.
	You're supposed to also not eat bacon, but damn, it's good.
	Yeah.
	Bacon.
	You guys got that one right.
	The LT. Who wants just an LT?
	Who wants an LT?
	Yeah.
	What the fuck with that?
	Lettuce and tomato on bread?
	What?
	Save your life.
	Who wants an LT?
	Will people learn about being Jewish from your special?
	Yeah, they will.
	They'll learn a lot.
	Mostly, it's just there to laugh.
	You're just there to laugh.
	It's kind of like I compared to like Brian Regan or Nate Bergatzi, where they're clean comics, but that's got nothing to do with it.
	You're just there laughing the whole time.
	And they're like, oh, did he not curse?
	I guess he didn't.
	It's like, you're just going to laugh.
	It's just a special.
	You will learn a bunch.
	A bunch.
	But it's every one of these bits.
	I say, like, you got to, these bits have to be good enough to follow Norman at the stand.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	God, he's good.
	He's so good.
	He's so good.
	Ari Shafir Jew.
	You can check it out on YouTube.
	You can donate there after you watch it.
	Yeah, dude.
	I'm excited.
	Everyone's really liking it.
	Pass it around.
	Fucking play in Thanksgiving for your family and Christmas.
	You know, bring people together.
	It's something that you can talk about it.
	And like, I'm loving people.
	I've never had this in my career.
	People like, I played this for my dad or I sent my dad and we talked about it.
	Wow.
	It's generally like, shit, my dad walked in the room.
	I had to turn it off.
	Now, is that enlarging your heart a little bit?
	Because you've always had a little bit of this kind of a little bit of, not Grinch, but this.
	Grinch, I like that.
	And that's the wrong word.
	Grinch was a Jew.
	Pull up Grinch.
	Theodore Giesel was a Jew.
	Yeah.
	Oh, really?
	Dr. Seuss.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's who I was named after.
	Really?
	Yeah, tell me that's not a fucking one of mine.
	Actually, he's got a really tiny nose.
	I might be wrong on that.
	But the back hair.
	The back hair, yeah.
	I mean, I think it could have been a half.
	My God.
	What is that?
	Bro, that's.
	What does that do?
	Oh, that's inbreeding.
	If you have tricep hair, that's inbreeding.
	If you have sideburns on your triceps, I have it here.
	Yeah, I do.
	What the fuck?
	Come on, God.
	Give me a fucking break.
	If you're Elvis Trapsley, then you have...
	Arsha Fear, man.
	Thank you so much for continuing to make comedy, man.
	For being a part of for just not even giving up on yourself when things were tough until the store, bro.
	It's the comedy store training.
	She beat us down too much.
	She can't beat us down anymore.
	I had an old lady made me cry so many times that now it's just like, fuck, her, I guess.
	Get how much you've been through.
	Yeah.
	She made me, that's what I saw in ayahuasca.
	I talked to Mitzi for real.
	Really?
	Talked to her in the fire.
	And she was like, I prepared you for all of this.
	I wasn't just a cunt for no reason.
	I was getting you ready.
	It was basic training.
	Yeah.
	It's orgasmic meditation, baby.
	Thank you so much, man.
	Aries Shavir Septic Tank.
	You can check him out.
	You can check him out with Robert Kelly on the Two Cigars.
	Two Comics, Two Cigars.
	And you're tripping, Road Tripping.
	You'll be tripping.
	Just subscribe now.
	It's not out yet.
	It'll probably out in January, February.
	You'll be tripping, subscribe now.
	And go see him whenever he goes to tour.
	He's back.
	Dallas, Vancouver, Seattle's coming.
	Pittsburgh, Salt Lake, San Jose.
	Are they on your website?
	They're on the website.
	We'll put it right here.
	Wait.
	Archifier.com.
	Put it up right there.
	Thank you, bro.
	Now I'm just footing on the breeze.
	And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones.
	But it's gonna take a little bit.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Hi, Sweet.
	Easy to you.
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	John Main.
	Hi, I'll take a quarter pot of cheese out of McFlurry.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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