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Nov. 15, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
02:26:59
E417 Dana Carvey

Dana Carvey is a comedian, actor, writer and impressionist known for his roles in SNL, Wayne’s World and more. He is the host of the podcast “Fly On The Wall” with David Spade, and “The Weird Place”, a scripted podcast with his son Dex Carvey and their friend Julian Matulich. https://apple.co/3TzJ7Lw  Dana Carvey joins the show to talk about his wild childhood, his time on SNL, the legendary comedians he’s worked with, how to master impressions, and more. ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit   https://www.amazon.com/stores/CELSIUS/ShopNow/page/95D581F4-E14E-4B01-91E7-6E2CA58A3C29 Manscaped: Go to https://www.manscaped.com to get 20% off with code THEO. Keeps: Visit https://keeps.com/theo  to receive your first month of treatment for free. BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at https://betterhelp.com/theo MintMobile: For a limited time, buy any 3-month Mint Mobile plan and get 3 more months FREE at https://mintmobile.com/theo ShipStation: Visit https://shipstation.com to get a 60 day free trial when you use code THEO. ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
It's never too early to start thinking about gifts.
And you got to do a gift for somebody.
Get them something.
They want something.
You get it.
This season, Manscaped has some beautiful gifts to keep your little drummer boy out of the weeds.
You know what I'm saying?
It's the lawnmower 4.0.
It'll keep you trimmed up around your package.
You can do it all by going to manscaped.com slash Theo.
Get 20% off in free shipping at manscaped.com slash T-H-E-O.
That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com slash Theo.
Manscaped, get your jingle balls ready for the holidays.
We got new merch, some new colorways in the Be Good to Yourself collection.
We've got hoodies in plum and moss.
We've also got t-shirts in lilac, moss, and blue mist.
I hope you enjoy those.
Those are good colors.
Get that hitter and more at theovanstore.com.
I'd also like to announce some new tour dates.
I will be coming with the Return of the Rat tour.
January 26th to Louisville, Kentucky.
January 28th, Indianapolis.
February 2nd, Shreveport, Louisiana.
February 4th, Baton Rouge.
March 24th, Corpus Christi.
March 25, Houston, Texas.
April 26th, Phoenix down there in the sun.
May 13th, New York City.
And June 1st, Austin, Texas.
All those shows go on sale Wednesday, November 16th at 10 a.m.
local time with the code Rat King.
That's the pre-sale.
You can get any ticket through theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
Just make sure you go through there to get accurately priced seats.
And thank you guys, and we love you.
Today's guest, I mean, this guy, he's got more voices in him than a dang schizophrenic.
He's a real, you know, he just, his impersonations and his ability to imagine and create at the same time, it's a remarkable gift to the world.
And we've seen it through his work on Saturday Night Live, his countless films, Wayne's World, his new podcast, Fly on the Wall with David Spade, and his new scripted podcast with Dex Carvey and Julian Matulich.
We're going to learn a little bit about that today.
I'm grateful to get to spend time with him, Mr. Dana Carvey.
Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I've been singing I love you, Stan!
Shine on me Well, the worst thing you can do is say to yourself, I wonder if I'll get an electron.
The whole idea of sex is not thinking.
And all you have to do is concentrate on turning yourself on.
Because they asked me that once on a podcast ago, how do you turn someone else?
Turn someone on?
You go, turn yourself on.
Damn.
True.
Focus on that.
Yeah, I think I like, yeah, I mean, I've had probably libido issues since I was probably, I would bet eight or nine months old.
I don't know.
Well, but you're.
Okay.
Well, that's like, I don't know when you're doing it.
Well, you don't have a libido until you go through puberty, really, right?
Okay.
I mean, who has a libido when they're in diapers?
I mean, what are you talking about?
But, you know.
I don't know.
I have to look at some pictures and see what, you know, see what was going on back then.
But yeah, I felt like I don't know when that libido starts cranking up.
Well, it's normally, I'll just play doctor.
When puberty happens is when libido kicks up.
I'm going to say that.
Yeah.
We had a party in our neighborhood.
This guy had, he was an Elvis impersonator, right?
And he had a party for his child whenever he went through puberty, I remember.
And we went over.
Well, that's kind of like a bar mitzvah, kind of, right?
I guess.
I don't know.
I'd never been to anything like that.
I think it was like some part of, I don't know if it was like a church program or whatever, but yeah, this fella got all pubescent or whatever.
And so they invited everybody over there for cake or whatever.
When I turned 13, my dad headbutted me and I saw stars.
Yeah, you think you're a man?
But enough about the girl, dude.
That's the same thing, bro.
I tell everybody, Mike Myers always said the one movie had was a headbutt.
And you always come up slow.
If you know there's going to be a fire, like, what's up?
We got to have peace.
Boom.
And he really is efficient.
Did you have that in Louisiana?
A little butt?
Headbutts.
The sudden friendly one.
I don't know, Jed.
We should get along.
We can share the fishing hole.
Boom.
I don't know where you grew up, but I know it's down in that area of the world.
Yeah, I think a good headbutt.
What was a good movie?
Good headbutt.
Oh, mace, I think, was popular by us.
Are you a little warm Dana?
Well, no, I'm not.
This is for Arctic weather, but I just want to keep the blue around me because it's hip.
Yeah, it is.
I'm liking a little cozy.
Yeah, I can't believe how good I look today.
Yeah.
It's amazing.
Yeah.
Isn't it interesting some days you crack open, you wake up and you're like, okay, today's going to be an okay-looking day.
I know.
Well, if I go back, I still think that a man, Lorne Michael said once, something about a man in his 40s and a woman in their 20s.
They're both at the peak of their power.
So you're just coming into your peak sex symbol.
You're successful.
You're in your 40s.
Now you go start to look at 20, 21, 22. I'll keep going.
23. Keep going a little bit.
24. But yeah, you're in your prime.
But I remember someone saying that to me.
I had this guy my Age doing my hair on some kind of movie, and he goes, and I go, I'm 38, you know.
And he goes, Oh, you're in your prime.
That fucker was right.
Was he?
No, but I'm in my prime now.
Yeah.
Yeah, the prime, I guess.
Hi, I'm Johnny Positive.
The prime has to keep moving, huh?
You have to keep the prime moving, don't you?
The, yeah.
If you didn't age or get older, then we'd be in some kind of hellish environment.
You think?
Yeah, we got to check out.
We got to have an expiration date.
It makes everything intense.
What if you lived a million years?
You're just like, what would you do?
I mean, you would definitely probably call in, you know, you'd show up late to work more, I think.
Well, you know, I've always wanted to play the saxophone because my parents, I got picked to play the saxophone in fifth grade, but it was $7 a month.
And I kept coming to school.
It's expensive, huh?
And they said, where's your saxophone?
So I go, I'll have it tomorrow.
And then at one point, I think my mom said, you know, we can't afford the saxophone.
So if I lived a million years, I would spend at least 10,000 years practicing a saxophone.
Yeah.
Bro, you'd be so good then.
You'd be able to play for the king.
I don't think I, no, I don't think that's my skill set, but I like to bang on things and strum things.
Did you have an instrument as a child?
Was there something you got kind of early that they gave you?
Usually a parent will give a child something, give them a horn, give them a little, you know, sometimes you see people parents give them a Moroccan.
That came later, but first my brother and I saw the Beach Boys.
We had a band called The Surfers.
So we had the clothes hamper with a crayon.
We wrote The Surfers.
He got a one-string guitar.
He could play Louie Louie for a buck.
And I would kick the clothes hamper for my kick drum.
And then I had a Hardy Boys book for my snare.
And the two drumsticks we stole from Mickey Hart of The Grateful Dead, his store in the 1960s, because we were huge juvenile delinquents.
And then I met him 30 years later, and I didn't know if it was true.
He goes, did you own a music store on Laurel Avenue in Santa Carlos?
He goes, yeah.
I go, I think I shoplifted there.
I handed him a 20. But I had that.
And then I got a big bash snare drum in sixth grade, plastic.
But I had a muscly cousin who came down.
I just killed it in a day.
And why did he do it?
He just was angry that you were going to try and learn it.
He was one of those muscly kids.
He's like a sixth grader, Jay Winters, and he just was muscly.
You visited him.
Every time you'd visit him, he'd crouch like he was going to wrestle you.
Yeah.
You know, one of those cousins?
Like, I don't want to wrestle you, dude.
So he broke the big bash.
But do you, do you remember what toy blew your mind?
Because I always ask people this.
This is what I say, the big three from five to 12. All right.
Movie or TV show where you went, holy shit.
Toy you had where you went, holy shit.
And then a bike where you felt like an adventurer, the bike, you know?
Yeah, I think the bike was, it had those spoke things, those little tinks, those little tinks.
Whenever the wheel turned, like the little thing would slide down the little, it had like a little, a little, you know, a thing that they used to count if you can't count real good and you slide it.
Oh, okay.
So it had like a little ticker thing.
Yeah, yeah, something like a little, like these little, can you pull it up, Zach?
Abacus?
No, can you pull up what I'm talking about?
Just like the because we would do a clothespin and playing cards to get the motor set up.
That's fine.
You did that too, right?
Yeah, we got upsold some garbage, a little deal, but it would tink.
And then this hot girl sometimes would ride on it with me, you know, or not that hot, but like, you know, she like lived near me, which was hot back then, you know?
Yeah.
Dude, if a girl lived far and if you could throw something and hit a girl, damn, she was fine, wasn't she?
When you were growing up?
I would say in third grade, yeah.
Did you ever drop your pencil so you had to pick it up and then you look behind you and the girl, you could see the girl's skirt?
Oh, drop it so she would get it?
No, drop it so you have an excuse to reach down and look back where the girl you like is sitting.
Dude, I was erect from probably.
Wait a minute, you had no libido.
Oh, I don't know if I did it.
I might have been all libido, but I was erect probably from me.
I can't even imagine.
I think from probably fifth grade to probably 31. Did you ever haven't like in grade school, like, okay, and you're just full bloom, you're just fantasizing, you're in a zone, you're not paying attention.
They go, Theo, come to the chalkboard.
Come to the chalkboard right now.
Yeah, you're like, and you had a full erection?
What did you do about that?
Joust.
I would joust the other guy passing me in the aisle.
That's what I would do.
Everybody was erect, man.
It was just a bunch of people.
The whole classroom.
Oh, it was a bunch of like those tarpons passing each other in the water in middle school and junior high.
I feel like you just didn't want to get snagged on somebody's freaking pants snout when you were walking down the hall.
I remember sometimes I would have my strap hanging off my back and we had hooked on somebody else's penis.
You know, because in junior high, every kid is just so damn erect, bro.
It's just like, you know, people just, they can't handle it.
You know, you get that front rudder on you and you can't handle it as a child.
But I remember this hot girl got her toe caught in my bike.
Yeah.
We had to take her to the like, I don't know if it was emergency room or just somebody close by that had damn thread on them, you know, and we took her over there.
And I remember.
Damn thread?
You mean just cool clothes?
Oh, no, like just like could knit, knit her, you know, spruce, splice her toe back up.
Oh.
And so I remember she got, man, she got, she got pretty mangled up.
But she had a limp after that.
And I would, I'd limp with her because she was always trying to run away from me.
So after that, it was kind of good because it kind of, you know, gave me a chance to.
So she's out in some open field in Louisiana and she's got this hickety step because of a broken leg and you're kind of chasing her.
No, I'm not sure.
And she's trying to get away.
Originally, she'd keep away from me, but once she got her toe, she rode on my bike one time, she got her toe caught in the spokes.
And that was what slowed her down.
That was permanent damage?
It caused at least maybe two months of damage.
Wow.
Okay.
God, nice.
Well, my brother lost his front teeth two different ways in fifth grade.
I think.
First, he did a wheelie on his stingray.
Front tire went boom, chip.
They got the caps.
Then he's doing Dunkin' Yo-Yos, and he's going loop to loop.
Bam!
Chip them again.
Only twice.
I thought there'd be a third one, man.
It'll happen still.
Dunkin Imperials.
I once shoplifted six of those at a Woolworth.
I would go to kids on the street and go, You want a yo-yo?
And I'd go in, steal a yo-yo, bring it out.
You want one?
Duncan Imperial, go in, take it.
I was juvenile in fourth grade.
Yeah.
And what were you thinking you were acting out about something?
I'm sitting here with Dana Carvey as well.
And I'm sorry, I didn't even introduce that.
Not at all.
And what is that?
Oh, Dana short for something, Dana?
No, my name was Brett on the birth certificate.
My grandmother, because I had three older brothers, we were all stacked tight, five kids and 10 years, my mom.
And my grandmother said, they're going to call him Brett the Brat.
So I think Dana Andrews was a movie star at the time.
I think it came from that.
But I got in girls' P classes in high school.
Like the thing would come report to the girls' physical education class because he'd show up.
Yeah, Theo is definitely a man's name.
But Dana's a switch hitter, like Chris or Robin.
Yeah, Robin was a wild one.
Dana, but yeah, that must have been nice.
I was thinking, yeah, could it be short for something maybe?
Maybe bandana, I could see.
They call me Dane the Brain because two of my brothers were dyslexic, so they got C's if they really tried.
So I got a few B's, and then my nickname was Dane the Brain.
Oh, yeah.
That's kind of funny.
If you're even smarter than your brother, you get classified as the brain, even if all y'all are dumb.
Yeah.
Not y'all, but I'm just saying just in any family, you know, like, this is our smart kid.
You know, we get C's.
Well, it was, it was, it was bad for dyslexic kids in those days because they just put you in the yellow book or the red reading book.
Then there was the green, pretty smart.
If you got in the blue book, we were the rock stars.
And then they would send us to the speed reading kind of clockwork orange van.
And they would do the words like that, reading a thousand words a minute.
So that was, you know, it was a weird childhood.
But my brothers were, we were all shoppers, shoplifters and smokers.
We would steal my mom's Kent cigarettes and just wail on those.
Then we would eat ice plants so no one would smell it on our breath.
And one day we went to the mall and we, three of us, me and my two older brothers, we parked our bikes, said, shit, someone's going to steal them.
We went into a hardware store, stole locks, locked up our bikes, went back in, shoplifted, came home, laid everything on a table.
My brother Brad, who I base Garth on, a science brother, he added it all up and he goes, that's $14 and about 92 cents of stuff in those days.
So that, so therefore, we said $14.92, it's like Columbus.
So when you were shoplifting with your brother, you'd go, are you sailing the blue?
And he goes, yeah, I'm sailing the blue.
I'm trying to get, you know, and my brother Brad eventually would steal for the sport of it.
Like he'd go on and get a whole LP album under his shirt.
And I'd go up, you see it, sailing the blue.
And he goes, check it out.
I could take it if I want.
I could take it because he talked like that.
And then he would put it back.
So he was like a catch and release shoplifter.
Wow.
You don't see a lot of that.
No, just for sport.
But he was a brilliant kid.
I mean, we would go to Battle Creek, Michigan to get something from Kellogg's, you know, the cereal.
So you'd have to put a quarter in the envelope.
And he would just, he tore a little part of the envelope open to see if they'd go, oh, poor kid, someone tore it.
And he would get the prize.
Or if we wanted to buy candy at the mercantile, when we went to the lake, he would have a, he would sort of take a piece of metal and make a slug out of it and put a quarter on top.
So the guy would think it was 50 cents.
So he was a clever kid.
Dang, he was real clever.
It sounded like he's very, I have that Ocean's 11 in him, you know, like he's got that.
Yeah.
And did he end up getting in any real crime?
No, he just, he became, he became a brilliant engineer.
He invented the first sort of online or sorry, computer video home thing.
It was called the video toaster with Tim Jennison in the 90s.
And he was a kid who had D cell batteries.
I found a frog one day and I gave it, I thought it was dead, you know, and he kind of hooked it up and it was sort of vibrating because he had these two D cells and he sort of wired it up on it.
And I thought it was kind of eye was opening.
And I said, Brad, the eye's opening.
And this is a true story.
I do it with my act, but he's like cars.
He goes, yeah, I brought him back to life.
He'll never die again.
But Scott and I, so he was the one, the bunk bed one.
And we were.
Because y'all shared, y'all had a room with how many bunk beds in it?
The downstairs brothers that were weird, even to this day, they had a bunk bed downstairs.
Mark two brothers.
Two brothers and me and Scott up there, Mark and Brad.
And Mark would wet the bed like anybody's business.
So my parents got this machine in a catalog.
So it'd be like this plastic sheet and a little mechanical thing to would wake him up when he'd start to wet the bed.
So he'd start to wet one night, but he wet so much he killed the machine.
And that would rain down on Brad because he was the lower bunk, but he was inventing all kinds of stuff.
And then Scott and I, we were upstairs and he would sleep with the covers over, but it was a rough and tumble second day baked goods.
You know, you go to the, my mom would go to the bakery, one day old, too, too expensive, two day old.
They're almost giving it away.
So we put those in a freezer.
My dad would buy a side of cheap, cheap beef and he would put it in this freezer and then we'd get it and it was almost all gristle.
Yeah.
He goes, oh, Jesus Christ, the best parts of gristle.
And it was just like gnarly steak.
So I had a blocked artery by the time I was your age.
Yeah.
Yeah, 100% blocked, man.
It was really blocked.
There was so much fire.
I think like there was so much more mystery and stuff, it seems like when you look at like your childhood, right?
Yeah.
And then you have children now.
How many children do you have?
Two.
Okay.
And you have two male children.
That I know of, sir.
Right.
And so y'all are male heavy.
Y'all seed line is male heavy.
Yeah, basically.
My younger sister, my mom had four boys.
I've had two boys.
Yeah.
So a lot of, you know, I think masculinity begats masculinity.
No, it's a joke.
No, I'm just saying it's almost like a damn gay nightclub at this point.
I mean, I'm saying there's a lot of men in it.
That's all I'm saying, dude.
Well, why is it a gay nightclub?
You're going to have a lot of men over there, you know?
I'm just saying Jeffrey Dahmer would buy y'all a couple sandwiches.
Well, there was a lot of wrestling.
So my Dad, first of all, he loved to grow a scratchy beard.
And then he'd go, oh, Jesus Christ, time for the whiskers.
And you were like five years old.
You weigh like 40 pounds.
Ah.
And he would get on top of you and he'd go, whiskers.
And he would just rub his face on your face, like, ah, ah.
And then he'd have me, oh, Jesus Christ, fight him.
So I had to fight my brother Scott, who seemed like a giant compared to me.
He was 12, I was 10. And he'd go, oh, grab his balls.
He would scream as your dad.
Oh, Jesus Christ, grab his balls.
So that was, these are, these are good times, Theo.
Oh, yeah.
But I know, I had a Disney face when I was your age.
So people always used to think, what a mellow, easy, happy life you've had.
But it was, it was good.
We had each other.
Right.
And so it sounds like it.
It sounds like y'all were really close, huh?
We are.
We are still now.
We survived it.
It was a fascinating time.
It was, you know, but you look back on your childhood pretty fondly.
It sounds like you look back on, because you have so many memories.
I love, I'm like kind of fascinated by nostalgia and stuff.
So I think I think about those times a lot, you know?
Well, I think that those years you can't ever get back and those years are precious.
The thing that we were able to do is we were so independent.
There was one landline.
It was a party line.
Sometimes you pick it up and the neighbors are using that.
Oh, sorry.
So you were just gone a lot.
And my dad would go to Montana with his friends a lot.
And so we would be just on our own and just on, get on your Schwinn stingray.
My brother got the Schwinn Monster Green.
My parents ran out of money.
They got me this Sears offload or whatever it was.
It was a cheap kickoff one, which I knew.
It was okay.
The step kid or whatever the bike was even called.
I think so.
The other, Scott was the favorite.
So we just ride around all day and we just, you know, I played flag football in fifth grade and it seemed like professional sports.
Yeah.
I loved it.
Ready, break.
And I was the halfback.
And, you know, so I agree with you.
That's why I call them the seminal years.
I think they're so important to about 12. And that, then, then life kind of interrupts.
But before that, you're taking in so much information, you know?
What about you?
Yeah, I mean, we had a decent time.
Seven or eight.
What's going on in your household?
Are you scared?
Dude, I was very scared growing up, I think.
I think I just grew up like real sensitive, like super sensitive, real scared.
What was it like, I think?
Yeah, it's a lot of time alone, a lot of time with strange babysitters, you know.
We had a babysitter that got a roach in her ear one night and she kept like yelling at us that she had a roach in her ear, but she spoke also Spanish or something.
I don't know if she spoke Spanish or just something was like wrong with her or something or she didn't, maybe she didn't speak real well or something, but we thought it was Spanish, you know?
Yeah, babysitters are memorable.
We had one when I was five.
My parents drove to Montana.
You lived in Montana growing up?
No, just till age five.
But we went there every summer.
I was just there.
So I'm a native son in a sense.
But that babysitter, like I'm five and I got a, she's putting back teen and a band-aid on my knee.
And I'm five and I'm remembering her years later, like she was a fairy princess, like gorgeous.
So I said, my brothers, at the time, Mark was like 12 and he goes, oh, yes.
She was just a complete knockout.
But that's, that was a memory when I was five.
But I wasn't thinking sexually.
I just thought it just hit my brain, you know?
You know, I've lost some of my hair.
I wasn't taking care of myself.
And I got off of medications that help you keep your hair.
And damn, a third of it fell out.
So that's what's happening in the world.
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Yeah, there was...
I don't know what she was.
There was something unique about her to us, you know?
Yeah.
And she got a roach in her ear and she was trying to tell us, and we're just kids, you know, I remember, and she's like yelling in Spanish about a road, having like a el curcaracha y in, I don't know what they call it.
She's yelling at the kids.
Tell us, and we don't know.
We don't know what's going on.
We, you know, we don't know if it's like charades.
I remember we barely knew her, you know, and then she ended up having to go to the hospital, and she did.
A roche got into her ear.
God, that's funny because that's such a great word for that accent because I remember Al Pacino doing a Cuban accent.
Yoca Roche.
A cockaroch is a great word.
Yoca Roche.
A cockaroch.
A tair.
Entire.
Entire.
A cockaroch.
Sorry, am I canceled?
Can't do that accent.
Good, dude.
A cagaroch.
So, yeah.
So I just for a second, because.
My father was Nicaraguan also.
So you're good to do that here.
So he had a full accent and everything?
He had probably, I would say, 40% accent.
So you would say, you know, I don't know the difference.
I just know a general.
I just know Al Pacino's crazy Cuban accent.
So.
Teo.
Why are you going to talk, Teo?
Time for Thanksgiving dinner, Teo.
Is that how he said it?
No, he didn't even say it.
Not that much.
He was a little lighter, you know.
Hey, Teo.
Hey, Teo, hey.
So what did he think of you, you think?
Like, my dad had it in for me a little bit.
Was he jealous of you, you think?
Yeah.
He was jealous that you were kind of like funny and fun?
He didn't think I was funny.
I think my brother Brad could fix things.
Like, you know, our tool drawer was really sucked.
Like, the hammer always was lost.
So Brad would take a butter knife and fix the dryer.
And my dad would stand over him and then try to take credit for it.
He's just insecure about not being able to do that.
And then for me, it's because my mom called me precious.
I looked kind of androgynous.
I don't know what he thought I was.
Yeah, I could see it a little.
And he was, oh, I definitely had a very much a baby face.
And he had it in for him.
But what did your dad think of you?
Were you the favorite son?
How many brothers?
I had one brother and two sisters.
And my dad was born in 1910, so he was an old man, right?
But the time you were like eight or 10, he was almost 80 then.
Yeah, he was almost 80s.
When I was 10, he was 80. And so it was interesting.
I don't think I knew what he thought of me.
You know, he would be sleeping a lot.
Like a lot of my memories are my mom waking him up and him being kind of pissed off about stuff.
Or he'd be sitting somewhere and he would just kind of doze off.
You know, he liked to let me sometimes like rub on his shoulders a little bit.
Sometimes he would smell like beer.
He let me like drive his car whenever I could like was tall enough to drive.
Like he kind of like let me just, he needed help, you know, a little bit.
So it was like kind of like this trade-off a little.
But what did he think?
Well, he's got three other kids.
I mean, in between him and your mom, I mean, who was there anyone who was the clear-cut favorite?
Or I was my mom's favorite and Scott was my dad's favorite.
Because all of a sudden you'd come home as a new guitar.
Like, it's not even Christmas or his birthday.
Fuck, that's way unfair.
Oh, man.
But I was not envious of it to be Bud's favorite.
No, I didn't.
Scott didn't, you know, that was great.
Get away from the monster.
But I thought, he's just getting toys.
He was called Scotchman or Scott the Pot.
Oh, he got it.
Did you have a nickname, Theo the Leo?
No, I think I just had like Theo.
What is it?
Teddy, maybe sometimes.
Why did they name you Theo?
It's such a unique name, isn't it?
For your generation?
Yeah, my dad's name was Theodoro.
Theodoro.
So he had that, you know, like some type of Spanish flair or something, you know?
Theodoro.
Teodoro.
Oh, Teodoro Roosevelt.
Yeah.
And I named my son, so he become a presidente.
I'm sorry.
I don't know.
Is it Fenzo?
Teodoro Roosevelt.
I think it's good.
I just think you must have been such a cool kid because you have such a curious brain.
So I hope that you're...
Didn't they?
I think they didn't.
My mom was busy working, so we had these strange people that'd be over there, you know, a lot of these babysitters, and we'd make up stories and tell them stuff, you know.
And a lot of them, we'd have like, it was the first, we'd have like this big black lady that would take care of us or a very old woman that would take care of us.
And just like we had the Spanish lady with the roach in her, you know, like, so there was just like, I think we didn't really know who was going to be there.
One time we did get the hot chick, dude.
And I remember she took me to summer camp or day camp at the YMCA.
And she drove this orange car.
I don't remember.
And she played Bon Jovi.
And I just remember, I don't think I'd ever heard music until there was like a hot woman present.
Oh, yeah.
And suddenly like I could hear music.
I was cool.
And I was like, play it again, play it again.
And like, just like her like interacting with me or engaging with me was like the most magical thing I remember.
And then, yeah, and she was not even cute, I don't think, but I thought she was like just the hottest thing ever, you know?
She was like a man, actually.
She was almost like a man.
She had like a short haircut and she kind of think she kind of, I think a lot of dudes would have been like, whoa, you know, she's not my first choice of a woman, you know?
I had crushes.
I had just mad crushes with absolute shyness.
Linda Benson, there was like a seventh grade party and you do a makeout session, you know, in the dark.
And it was Linda Benson and she knew her way around that situation.
But I went to.
What did they do?
They put y'all in a closet or something?
Just a dark room.
And I, you know, seventh grade, like, what?
And suddenly you're, yeah, maybe we went in a closet.
Yeah.
I don't know.
But and what happened?
And is it like the hardest part ever was, I think, trying to touch a breast or something.
At the movies, a lot of guys, there'd be big guys like, touch it.
Get that titty, boy.
And they threaten you if you didn't do it, you know?
So then you're like working off of a clock, kind of it's like a shot clock.
Well, the thing is, is that there were, I don't know where you were.
In junior high, there's some women that go, right?
They come back from the summertime and they've been genetically gifted.
They're suddenly stunning.
Some of the guys, we had a guy who was like had a little beard.
He was all muscle.
He was in eighth grade.
And I look like a fetus with shoes.
I mean, I was, nothing was happening.
But I, you know, I was, I got a chip on my shoulder.
I don't know where my drive comes from a little bit, but I hate to lose.
And I hate anyone trying to fuck with me.
But I mostly want to be nice and friendly and stuff.
But if someone goes, I'm not good with that.
I attack pretty hard.
Not physically, but I will, you know, verbally, you'll be, you'll get that.
I have to get the upper hand.
But Spade's got it.
He's got an edge to him too.
You know, my good buddy Spade.
Yeah.
We had a nice time.
We had dinner the other night.
That was fun.
You ended up laughing our ass off about your comedy team.
Oh, that's it.
Australian dancers in Vegas.
You know, your movie idea that they try to go to Vegas and they come like thunder down under, like models with their shirts off.
They call themselves Calking Bows on Calk Peace Bows together with Corking Bows.
And then you have little, you know, it only lasts like one, it's only 30 seconds of the movie.
But that was just funny.
But yes, basically, I think we, you know, it's like.
He's fun.
You guys have your podcast, right?
It's called Fly on the Wall, Fly on the Wall.
It's called Fly on the Wall.
this is a promotion yeah david known him since before snl met him when he came in he was always cool you met him before that yeah he was like 21 i was like 30 or something and did you guys seem did he seem similar to you kind of um there was a period of time where yeah he was like definitely from my tribe you know we have a you know there's there was a time when he opened for me so he's like 28 29 i'm like 38 and we he'd come out and we were playing these sheds in the
round in uh the northeast and he'd walk out and they go from a lot wide shot at that point they thought it was me you know and so but they're like no but no spade was so hip even then eventually he just had shorts on his skateboard and he would kind of just hang over the stool and he's like what's up everybody and i go had this you can do it that way i didn't even know you could do it that way and he was hysterical because i come out jumping around isn't that special hounds and flowers out you know i drenched in sweat and spade is cool he's got a little
diet pepsy what's up ladies you know so he's the coolest but really fun to do a podcast with him he can drop a little sketch in five seconds he can go he could take a story of just that the hamburger was overcooked and the guy's going i'm like hey buddy could just a little bit on that i mean he'll create a complete sketch in five seconds so it's so much fun to watch it's so lo-fi he doesn't push it at all and you got to go back and
rewind it almost yeah yeah that's a remarkable way to say him it's like he like just he's not out there barking about his bears it's just like hey come see what i made he's got this little physical moves that's that represent another person little effect yeah and really funny word packages hey buddy you know that was i learned that from john the winners you know that was then the rotary dial went out and i lost my closer five oh that's it worse
that's the worst when time yeah when time start to change yeah i know isn't it weird about humor do you find this dana that i like i get scared that i don't know what the next generation of humor is because it's almost impossible to really know it because you have to like live you have to come up in it really yeah i know it's really interesting i mean obviously i don't generally now go east you know i don't do indian accents or
japanese accents really i can do them you know um and i had a bit about them and i just sort of dropped it i don't know it's sort of there's this sensitivity now but i do agree with bill burr he was on our podcast fly on the wall and that if the intent is to hurt is different than just an observation yeah you know i just was talking about where maybe the dialect of a japanese accent came from just that every accent like french is where did that come from you
know and where did you know that and i figured it's because of all the ring of fire all the earthquakes so you're just sitting around you know so that was that so i don't know if you'll have to edit that out but i just thought it was funny i mean so because why did they talk like that they could have talked like this yeah everybody could have talked like this all humans all humanoids were just just grunting all over the world pointing and
brunting and then the sounds came up you know and i think the indian was more copacetic on the trade routes yeah you know it's lyrical and very copacetic like i will not hurt you you will not hurt me so i don't know if you have to cut this part out no i think it's interesting man because i we used to play this game when i remember first time we met a japanese guy we played this game where
it was like we would just make some sounds and see if it was something in japanese you know oh that's it we'd be like and then we would ask him you know what it go yeah no it's a but it's incredible accent to listen to it's crazy to think that somebody has a whole different like like bible of what is sounds and thoughts inside oh i love it and i'm just into rhythms that's all you know they the whole is greater than the sum of the parts
and when i hear i just like it's just poetry to me you know with any accent well it makes me think too what their thoughts and insides are like you know and what some of the mechanics are like inside of it you know that's what i wonder sometimes and where does it come from emotionally uh for the male and the female dynamic yeah because like a lot of asian females are very and
the men are kind of alpha male which you can sort of practice probably lowering your voice yeah it's coming from you know like a semen it's almost where a semen launches from like right there you know a little bit yeah that could be a guy ordering a pepsi i don't this is my favorite podcast ever i'm just saying there's i think there's a guy ordering pepsi yeah exactly or
a guy having uh male orgasm yeah and they don't have a lot of orgasms also in japan and in uh we're orgasm heavy over here i mean we're skeeting up the landscape you know and then wait a minute we're orgasm heavy we're skeeting up the landscape so in your mind i think so and we're in the world we're orgas we we climax more than japanese people or asian people or any other culture by far because we are the world literally yeah we are the world you know we're we're in that video no but i could do i could do a spring
scene if you want we are the world i'm bruce springsteen i'm five foot seven and a good day but with my boots and my cowboy hat it's six feet of springsteen coming at you sure i could have fixed my underbike but why i'm worth a billion dollars and i love everybody so anyway that's uh what were we saying we are the microphone i just mean all the badass people of the world came to america all the aggressive people are we're that's why right we are so freedom heavy here.
If they told the anti-vaxxers, we're not going to admonish you.
We're not going to say you're a piece of shit and you're a murderer, but could you please get a vaccine?
They would have been, sure, man.
You just ask me.
Yeah.
But if you go, you got to get one.
Fuck you, man.
American.
No one tells me what to do.
It was just the wrong strategy.
You know, Arnold did a PSA.
It should have been instead of, you know, fuck your freedom.
It should have been, you know, if you could look at it, you know, you could maybe go to the doctor.
You get a little injection, you know, and you help out the people instead of, you murderers.
But we are badasses.
We're the people.
You know, my ancestors, just somebody at some point in Ireland just said, I think I'm leaving.
I don't out there.
Where are you going?
I don't want to stay here in the rain in the potatoes.
I'm going to America.
You could get killed.
I don't give a fuck.
You know?
We'll have a better menu.
So where you have Nicaraguan?
Polish and Nicaraguan, yeah.
So somebody probably fucked on a boat, I'm guessing, because I don't know how you even get that mix, you know?
That's a steamroller that went through the Suez Canal and somehow connected your mom and dad.
I don't know.
It was probably a 100-ton steamroller.
I don't know.
But I think, look, man, I want to go back to this because I think we're semen heavy over here, right?
Okay, so you mean we have a lot of semen or we climax a lot?
We climax a lot here, I believe, in America, because we're selling it now.
There's, you know, there's a lot of, and I know there's Japanese porn and stuff, but in Japan, like, even if you go there, it's hard to meet women.
There's not as much, I don't think, promiscuous sex.
From what I've heard anyway.
Well, look, I don't know, like, for me as a kid, you'd go to the dump or go in a park.
And jerk off?
No, you'd find a beat up Playboy magazine.
Oh, yeah.
And I don't understand.
I can't wrap my mind around a 12-year-old online going on porn.
I don't know what toxicity or joy that represents, but the boys are falling behind the educational system.
So technology gave boys video games and porn and then said, now study your algebra.
I think I got something better to do.
I'm about to find the square of my own root.
At least they had a smart answer.
Totally, dad.
I'm going to do it.
So the boys are behind now.
It's been the year of the woman for the last 30 years, which I'm okay with.
But here we are again in 2023.
It is drum roll, year of the woman again.
And so it's a great time to be a woman, and I'm all for it.
It's just the boys have been, the porn and the video games are.
You've been really beat down.
Yeah.
Did you ever tail end that?
Did you, were you into Nintendo?
Yeah, we got a Nintendo came out.
I remember and we get a game on our birthday.
Usually you'd get a game and your friend would come over to see what game it was.
You had that one gift and you'd open it.
And when porn came along, man, I remember, yeah, I would bike far for porn if I heard there was porn somewhere.
You know, I was starved.
I was starved for like affect from like for motherly affection.
So I think when porn came around, it really started to fulfill some of that space in my life.
Let me just unpack that for a minute because I was a therapist for a brief period of time.
Were you really?
I'm not.
No.
But I love talking about human age.
So what do you mean you were starved for affection?
Your mom didn't give you affection?
Yeah, I think my mom didn't like look at me much.
You know, she didn't.
Did she pick me up much?
No.
I had a sister that was real sick that had, she was born with like a rare liver condition.
And so she is different than the rest of my siblings because she got actually like physically picked up.
But my mom didn't, she doesn't know that there's like this emotional world at all.
I think she just probably didn't get it, you know?
I don't know if I got a lot of it either.
I mean, maybe it was the 60s.
You know, I don't remember, you know, I love you.
But she was nice.
She was sweet, but she was the sixth kid.
She was as terrified of my dad as we all were, you know.
Oh, your mom was.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
But she wasn't mean.
She was sweet, but she was terrified.
We all were.
It was just like, you know, this one time I got up.
These are just fun stories.
I got up and, you know, I was like four or five and there was no toilet paper.
I had to, you know, and so I used the towel and I was so young, I just put it back on the rack so to wipe my butt.
And my dad came out with it and then I had to grab my ankles in front of everybody.
And he had to ask my brothers how many.
You had to go get his belt and he'd snap it.
You had to go grab it.
You had to go get it.
He'd get the belt and then he would snap it and you'd grab your ankles and then he'd ask your brothers how many for it.
So then your brothers get to time.
Yeah.
Give him four.
Four.
And then he would just start screaming, you never know.
So the next day, I had short-term memory issues.
I wiped my ass again with a towel in his bathroom and I put it back on the rack.
No, I didn't do it a second time.
I didn't do it a second time.
But I wanted to tell you about my toys because we didn't have, I came up during so-called practical effects.
Like we got rock'em sock'em robots.
There was nothing visual on a TV screen.
Rock'em Sock'em Robots was amazing.
Getaway Chase game.
And we played a lot of board games.
You know, they're kind of cool.
Don't you find the tactile, three-dimensional, board, stratego, or risk?
Risk.
They're playing risk.
Candyland, we play.
We played a lot of games.
Scrabble, we played a lot.
I remember my favorite time actually as a kid was when the power would go out because our family had to all get together.
You know, it was like we had to be kind of stuck in the same room because we needed like, you know, mom had two candles or whatever.
And so we have to go downstairs.
And so, and you couldn't really fight because if you fought and ran off out of the distance of the candlelight, it was real scary.
So yeah, power outages were hip.
Everybody had to like, you kind of needed each other, you know?
So it was like, there was, I used to kind of like hope that the power would go out because it would give me a time where, I don't know, I just really liked those moments where we all, it was like the only time I felt like our family, there was a semblance of that we needed each other, you know?
Yeah, it's interesting.
I do know that the visceral feeling of like you kind of say you're not feeling well, can't go to school.
And then you had the house to yourself all day because my mom taught preschool and you're watching me.
I mean, Anybody can teach preschool, no offense, your mom.
I'm sure she was awesome.
No, she was, yeah, my sister became a preschool teacher.
But being in the house by yourself and then looking out the window at like three o'clock and seeing the kids who went to school is a little melancholy.
I was almost like a panic attack.
Like, I should have gone.
Oh, yeah.
And it's, it's like when school was canceled, you find out that there's no school today because of whatever reason.
All those feelings.
Same thing with the powers out, you know, and you know, all these things, again, they, they inform us.
That's what my five years of therapy was about.
All those experiences and how they stay with you, you know, and how it manifests in you now.
Yeah.
You know, it's interesting how it does.
So did you and your dad have a good relationship?
Because it sounds like I think a lot of men from his era probably just had a tougher.
I think it was a different thing of being a man back then.
It was full John Wayne shed, and he was so terrified of his son not being, you know, and he was an orphan and he went through different, you know, and then he got in the Navy in 1943 or something or the Army.
Now he's an orphan with a gun.
Now he's, well, he was a radio operator in India, but I'm sure he had a firearm at some point.
But it was a different time.
And, you know, sometimes I would pick up the phone at night.
I'd hear his birth mother saying, you forgive me, buddy?
Because he was nicknamed was Bud, for giving him up at birth.
So he had his, he was wounded and had that deep-seated insecurity.
I think he had a little colorblind and a little dyslexic, stuff that would have not been diagnosed.
So he had an inferiority complex.
But in the end of the day, I don't harbor any, I mean, I'm kind of like, you know, just moving on.
I mean, but there were times, there was a few times I felt like he was being intentionally cruel to me and getting off on it.
You know, because when all my brothers left, I was the last one to focus on.
And I'm with my two high school buddies, cross-country runners, really close friends.
All we did was run.
And I was going to work this weed killer and spray it around the yard.
So he came in the garage and go, how do I get the top of this off, Dad?
And he goes, this was with a quote.
My friends never forgot it.
Oh, Jesus Christ, use your penis, you shithead.
So we broke that.
Use your penis, you shithead.
You know, it's like, okay, it's practical advice.
I am a shithead.
I don't know how to do it.
Can I use my penis?
So I started, no, but that, but then he kind of, it was real anger.
And my friends left.
It freaked them out.
And six weeks later, I got out of there.
I thought, this is not good.
Use your penis, you shithead.
There's a poetry to it.
You know, we all laughed a lot now.
I mean, we laughed even then.
We just have fits of laughter.
Dude, laughter was so, there used to be a value to the moment, you know, and I think about this a lot, that there used to be like the moment was so valuable because you couldn't, there wasn't a lot of recording of it.
There wasn't, nobody had the opportunity to see it again a million times over.
It was like, this is the freaking moment.
Are you going to be here right now?
You just go.
And you know what I've observed is like young women are the happiest people on earth.
Really?
Because I go to Griffith Park and I got my sweatshirt hood on.
I'm going, I'll see groups of high school or college girls laughing and chirping and just like, and I'm just like, you know, it's like just giggling, just head back laughing.
But we did so much of that.
That's what made me a comedian.
The friends I had, there's such, they were just really funny, had great sense of humor.
And we just started performing, just laughing, laughing, laughing.
And, you know, sometimes you lose that, but it's so fun to laugh.
Like on this scripted podcast, we had a, we don't have to bring it up.
No, let's bring it up.
I want to, yes.
But we, we had a credit role and Dex, my son Dex Carvey and Julian Matalich did so many things.
It was during the pandemic.
They wore every hat.
They're directing, producing.
So the credit role at the end, I read it as a character, but they did so many things that it just hit me like a ton of bricks.
And it wasn't one of the hardest I've laughed in the last five years.
It's a character like this.
Co-directed by Julian Matulich and Dex Coffey, written by Dex Coffee and Julian Materlich, edited by Dex Coffee.
And it went on and on.
But they literally had to wear all those hats in the pandemic.
We just did it at a table with a laptop.
But that belly laughing is so valuable and so charming.
And you're right.
Just going with it.
We had a little bit the other night, right before that last 10 minutes.
I was really, because it just getting silly.
You were in it.
Corking bulls.
Oh, I'm cock.
Yeah.
What was it?
Yeah, what was it?
We were talking about having like an Australian.
It was like the Thunder from Down Under.
Yeah, Thunder from Down Under.
You're two characters and you're the guy.
Yeah, you're like, it's a 2 p.m.
little review and you'd be in Speedos.
And so you decided, you spell it differently than cock and balls, but basically, oh, I'm cock, he's balls.
Together, we're cocking balls.
And then you start dancing.
Just to see Spade do that would be pretty funny.
And especially if one of them lost his cock and he is only balls, you know?
And that's why they had to do it.
Wouldn't that be crazy?
I'm not a cock.
I'm only balls.
He's only cock.
Together, we're only bows and only cock.
Sign on to www.onlycock onlyballs.com.
Yeah, that's anyway.
I want to say cock and balls more on this pocket than there's any other one I've ever met on.
He's cocking on with Bowser, but it's just idiots with super cocky.
That's the funny part.
Just like, here we are.
Come watches, come see our penises outside, inside.
Do you think?
I lost it in a lawn mower accident.
When I was a kid once, the guy next door was mowing the lawn and screaming.
And he cut off some of his toes, right?
But the ambulance got him, but the toe was out there later.
So then my brother Brad came out and put it in formaldehyde.
My mom saw it and said, we got to take it.
We got to get to the, you know, take him to the place.
And they went into like a medical center.
We just moved to this town.
And she went into a psychiatrist's office.
And she goes, there's a boy who's missing a toe in my car.
You know, they said, it's okay, lady.
Just have a seat, you know.
But Brad's kept that big toe.
And I remember looking at it, you know.
Wow.
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Yeah, I remember we found two fingers in the woods one time like a peacetime.
Really?
Yeah.
And we were actually collecting cans and we found two fingers in the wood, in the woods.
What else happened?
Did you grow up in, is it suburb or rural?
It was rural, but it wasn't redneck.
So I never had like any redneck stuff.
We just had like a lot of poor people.
Like we used to watch dogs give birth and people would bet on how many whelping and how much dogs, how many babies were going to be in it.
Yeah.
We grew up like a hamster breeding area.
We had a dude not far from us that used to breed hamsters.
You know, it was big in our area.
We had, I used to clean out wishing wells.
Our town had like apparently the most wishing wells per capita or something.
Is that because of religiosity or just Irishness, I guess?
I think people just love, you know, people just love having water hidden under the lamp.
I'll tell you, for me personally, when I had this bypass at 42, I'm incredible now.
You had a crowd.
Yeah.
No, a double.
Well, the heart's perfect, but the artery was blocked.
Damn.
And I had to do a bypass, and they didn't do the right artery, but they didn't harm me, but I was fine.
But my Indian cardiologist, P.K. Shaw, he went to Mother Teresa's gravesite and did a prayer for me.
And then my Irish, super Irish Catholic mother-in-law, born and raised in Dublin, she did a wishing well in Dublin.
And then now I'm just perfect.
Wow.
I don't know if it's true, but you know, I like, I leave a space in my head for spookiness.
Oh, me too.
I think that's one thing that used to really, that's one thing that used to help my imagination so much when I was young is that anything could be possible.
You know, you heard a lot more lore and stuff back then.
You know, that's one thing I really miss.
Like now it's like everything is like I asked my little niece, I said, you should use your imagination.
And she goes, what is it?
Imagination?
She thought it was an app on your phone.
And I'm like, oh my God.
Well, not to dovetail again to this goofy, this brilliant scripted podcast, but that is bringing that back for mom and dads driving around with their kid.
They're just going to hear a story.
So let's go into music and you guys started it during the pandemic, right?
Yeah.
Dex and Julian came to me with the idea of my son Tom.
They all grew up with Twilight Zone because I had the mix.
I had the DVD at my house in the 90s.
So they were obsessed by it.
So they wanted to make a show like it.
And we just came to the thing.
We needed to have Rod and we knew it would be a big budget thing.
So we decided to do a scripted podcast and based on the Twilight Zone, but a comedy version.
And they went downtown.
We went crazy.
So a scripted podcast.
Yeah, comedy podcast.
Right, so it's basically where you- It's where like you guys write it out in advance.
Right.
Well, we wait, here's what happened.
We tried to do it.
We wrote it, recorded it, and it sounded like some people were on a pirate ship.
We're like, wow, this is awesome.
Then we play it for people and they're just checking their phone.
That's pretty good, dude.
Whatever.
We got, holy fuck.
This is not like old-time radio.
You're competing for someone's mind where they got their phone in their hand.
So then we kept redoing it, restacking it, record it, write it, add effects, better, re-record it, more music, more effects.
We had access to all this lush music in the Warner Brothers library because we did it with Team Coco and they had a deal with Warner Brothers.
Big orchestral score.
So you want to make it filmic and ear candy and intensity.
And then we go, but people get lost.
They're listening to it in traffic.
Someone cuts them off.
Fuck you.
And then they lose the thread of the story.
So we go, clarity is king.
So we had to put more exposition in a funny way.
So the narrator rod.
So we loaded clarity, we loaded ear candy effects.
We made it potent, potent, potent to the point where then we loved it.
But it took like a year in a room, and these guys, Dex and Julian, just became this two-man band because it's pandemic time.
So they literally looked at what, a thousand songs?
I don't know.
We got Dex Dex is here.
He's sitting in the.
A thousand songs?
How many songs?
Yeah.
Let's ask him.
And this is your son.
This is your human son.
This is my human son.
Yes.
Dex Carvey and Julian Madelich.
This is the two-man team that went crazy in a good way producing, writing, and directing.
It was such a blast.
It was such a good learning experience because you could listen back to something.
If it didn't work, you can just do it right over immediately.
Did it feel weird like using like, because your father obviously is a talented instrument that a lot of the world has used to have humor and to feel joy and to feel different things.
Yes.
Did it ever feel weird as his son?
Like, is there like a strangeness there?
Like request, you know, trying to like, does that ever feel uncomfortable?
I didn't have a real relationship with my father, so I don't, you know, it's tough for me to gauge any of that, but I'm just curious about it.
Oh, I think it could be super uncomfortable just because generally shows where it's a famous dad and his kids really suck.
Generally sucks.
It's just common normal shows.
Here come the kids, right?
Yeah, here comes Ronnie Tarantino.
Let's see what he's got going on.
Maybe you could stand up with that.
I don't know.
This is better.
There you go.
And if we can't see you too, that's enough.
It's Julian there.
That's Julian Witchett.
That's your partner there.
Yeah.
My childhood friend lived right next door to you.
He would come over and watch The Twilight Zone, Julian, and they're the ones who really went downtown on this and went a little crazy.
We just went crazy with it, to be honest, Theo, because we could.
And we just, it wasn't like a movie, you make it, you know, it sucks, you have to walk away.
We just kept redoing it.
And then we learned the space now.
We think we reinvented it.
And whoops, number four on, you know, five.
It's doing very well.
You guys number four on Apple Podcast.
Today, anyway, for a scripted comedy podcast, which is a very tough space.
So we're very proud of it and we love it.
And it deals in emotionality too, in a subtle way.
It has story arcs.
It has a film make sense to it.
And mostly the word packages and the rhythms of the characters, because that's what I harbor in.
Those were so much fun to do.
And Dex, did your father play all the characters?
Did you play some of the characters?
Did Julian play some of them?
Who played what?
We got a few little ones.
My dad did most of the voices just because, again, it was like, I don't want to have, you know, Dana's kid tries voices for the first time.
It's just like, we really like the show.
So I just wanted to focus on the show and not about the people involved as much.
Did you enjoy?
So a lot of producing and writing from your side?
Yeah, I think all, I mean, that was cool.
I mean, it was, I'm not really that familiar with the whole writing stuff, but like, this is like the first project.
But like, it's a sketch and it's just on the table.
Yeah, just stay on the mic.
You're good.
Just stay on the mic.
Yeah, but basically we're riffing and we're at an impasse with the story.
Okay.
Okay.
And Dex or Julian would say something like, okay, the alien has to stay on Earth.
What if he gets addicted to Earth food and he gains so much weight, he can't get home on his spaceship?
So I'm like, oh shit, that's it.
That's it.
So they're writing in that kind of way.
And then we're all rewriting for clarity and we all learn together.
I know a lot more about making film or telling stories now by doing this.
But then they would do a rough edit.
They would add effects.
They would do music.
We'd work on it again together.
And then everyone was wearing every hat because I would look up from the mic after doing a take at Dex and Julian and I would go by them and they might go, I think that last take or this take.
And we're picking takes and I just give them a lot of props because that's I love crazy and I'm crazy.
I mean, I don't, I, I, if I'm working on something like I'll draw a little bit or play a song, I'm as excited about that as being on Saturday Night Live.
It's a weird discovery.
It's almost scary.
That's all I care about.
So this was all from the heart and not for money or fame.
It's just completely a message in a bottle that you hope people can get a little peace in their in their brains for a while.
And the weird place it's called?
It's called the weird place, anywhere where you can get a podcast.
Yeah, we'll put the link below so people can get a hold of it and check it out.
Now, is each episode different, Dex, or what's that like?
Is it each episode like an anthology?
Yeah.
So anthology means what?
Just it's basically three basic stories.
The first one is about a nuclear submarine 1966 that goes through a time portal and surfaces in 1738 and sees a pirate ship.
They don't even know they've gone back in time.
Wow.
And there's a whole story around that.
The second one was this alien who has to come to Earth and befriend an Earthling to get them to help him make bomb-making materials.
So he tells this sweet old lady that that's what he eats on his planet, ammonium nitrate and nitroglycerin.
Could I have some ammonium nitrate, sal?
What do y'all want that for?
To eat because it's food?
So that one's a little funnier, but he's the one who gets so heavy he can't escape in the spaceship.
They become friends.
And then the final one is about a guy who gets bullied by these guys and he goes to this knickknack store and this strange, colorful character gives him a globe and it's a magic globe.
And if you touch the globe, you affect the real world.
So he touches the Eiffel Tower or he touches Paris.
Maybe one day I will go to Paris.
And then there's mayhem in Paris.
So that one is really very Twilight Zoning, really special.
There's a lot of songs and there's a companion piece called Talking Weird.
It's sort of an after show that Rod interviews some of the voice actors and there's some singing in that.
And Rod is your character, so people know.
Rod is we needed a Rod Serling character.
And so we needed that gravitas and that voice to give us that vibe.
And the music's all from the 60s.
There's no sex or violence, no real violence.
And it's very 60s.
It has an earnestness to it, you know, a sincerity to it.
It's not cynical.
It's not dark.
And Rod Serling, so people know who that is.
That is a show in the 1960s called The Twilight Zone.
And there's been reboots.
Black Mirror was sort of a brilliant dark version of it.
And then Jordan Peele did The Twilight Zone.
And so we just did our own thing and we kept it earnest and we kept it rottized For our purposes.
So, you know, we did a lot of characters.
Yeah, there he is.
That's him.
Yeah, that's him.
Justin Thoreau Jr.
Look at him.
Yeah.
And is he related to the Archbishop or whatever, the Canadian?
You think that's who he looks like?
Justin Thoreau.
Well, that, well, I just keep thinking Justin Thoreau for Hollywood out there should play Rod Serling in a biopic.
Yeah.
Because I think he does look kind of like him.
If you could throw up Justin Thoreau if you want.
Yeah, let's get a quick picture of Justin Thoreau real quick.
And then I got just one more question for Dex, too.
And he loves older women.
I think he's into.
Well, he was with Jennifer Anderson for a while, right?
Oh, no.
I'm thinking of the prime minister of Canada.
Yeah, right.
Justin.
Trudeau.
Trudeau.
Yeah, yeah.
Justin Trudeau.
So you thought he looks like Rod Zerling.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
That's funny.
Maybe they both do.
Oh, that's funny.
There you go.
Okay.
Yeah, you could carry it off.
But you could see that Justin Thoreau, who's a brilliant writer.
Yeah.
And Justin Trudeau is the Prime Minister of Canada.
He looks like he's still, like, he eats adult applesauce.
He does.
He looks like an applesauce face.
Yeah.
If his face was a fruit product, it wouldn't just be an apple.
It'd be applesauce.
It'd be very, the runny kind, not the good kind.
That's bad.
The shitty kind, like high C. Look at him.
You have to get Kool-Aid when you can't afford high C. Well, there he is.
Jesus.
God.
Christ's sinks.
Got his hands around the bun there.
All right.
That's a good look for the leader of a large nation.
Okay, dude, the double knuckle grip on some chick's ass.
That's what we need in our prime ministers.
Okay.
I can really, my IQ goes up when I become dentist.
Yeah.
You know, I just know the way he won't ever say anything directly as his own poetry.
Okay, Theo Vaughn there rocking the mullet.
That's a good look, circa 20, 22. Yeah, spent some money on the studio here.
What is this?
Six by eight?
Looks like a prison cell or something.
Okay.
Dressing up with the psychedelic pictures.
Okay, good.
Put down the hash pipe, Vaughn, okay?
Do a podcast.
So, you know, just he's just a brilliant kind of person.
He's awesome.
I went on his show one time.
Did you?
Yeah, he's an amazing improviser.
Yeah, was it fun?
Oh, one more question for Dex.
Let me get it so I don't forget.
Yeah, is this something that you guys think you would do more of?
Or did this feel like too kind of harrowing?
I would love to do it again.
It was pretty intense just because it was just three of us.
And we also really, it took like half the time just to figure it out.
We just didn't really know how to.
Yeah, it's a lot.
I'm sure.
It sounds like a lot of people.
I think we, and Julian can talk for a sec too.
I think that we did figure it out.
We have a work process now.
It might be a little bit like first time you do a podcast.
And now you kind of know, you know, I'm learning with spades still, but we could go faster.
We would need a little more help.
You know, maybe a secondary mixer.
We hired one.
We had Michael Gordon from Conan, great writer.
He's doing some assisting for us, but we were basically a three-man band, but we could move faster.
It's like, this is proof of concept.
And we may release an episode soon.
We had an episode that we held that Tom thought of.
It was about Valdemir Putin goes through a wormhole and ends up in a guy's bedroom in rural Mississippi.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Mississippi Joe.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Who are you, sir?
Who am I, sir?
You must be KGB agent.
KGB agent?
I surely don't know what you're talking about, sir.
So that's maybe a bonus episode coming out based on popular demand.
Yep.
That's cool, man.
Yeah, I think I would love to see Russia versus Mississippi.
So I would love to watch that.
I'd watch that on pay-per-view even, damn it.
Well, I'll tell you, you know, the idea, not the romance, or maybe the romance, not the reality, but the idea, when I gone to Mississippi and the South with a gentleman, a friend of mine, and there is a charm factor of politeness, a way of speaking that to us northerners is just very, very charming.
People say darling.
People damn.
I mean, they'll breastfeed a damn adult if they need it.
It's just that kind of place.
You darling, you know, y'all need some breast milk.
I know you're 47. Come on over here.
Here's my titty.
Now put your mouth around while I'll squeeze real hard.
There you go.
There's your breast milk.
I just want to make you feel better.
I know I've just committed three felonies, but that breast milk's coming nice and clean.
You too.
I'll give you the other side.
Yeah, it's a very polite song.
I look at Roadhouse, and it's always at a restaurant, too, you know?
Yeah, it's just the idea of the South and the movies and, you know, and what y'all fixing to do?
Or, you know, it's like Al Gore.
People think I did him gay, but I wasn't.
I was doing a Tennessee gentleman.
He's just, I take umbrage with your attitude, kind of madam.
And he's sort of, you know, put together as a Tennessee gentleman, not a rural rat scat like you from deep rural Louisiana.
I'm from Nashville, Tennessee.
I wear a fine vest, sir.
And I say to you, sir, that the South will rise again.
I tell you.
You know, so I do love, I love Southern accents.
I love Bill Clinton.
I love being this guy.
That's the most seductive.
No wonder he got in trouble because this hypnotizes the women.
This gets them all bunched up downstairs, if you know what I mean.
When I say baby, I say, you have the prettiest eyes I've ever seen.
And they will drop drawers in a second.
I'll fold my nuts in with dang vagina right now, brother.
I'll meet you halfway, bud.
My favorite old-fashioned dick joke is this woman says to me she wants 12 inches.
I said, hey, baby, I don't fold it in half for anybody.
I mean, that's the best dick joke.
You've never heard that?
That's the best dick joke ever.
Who has this guy, Larry Reeb, has this joke.
He said, he goes, my wife told me never answer the phone during sex.
I said, what if it's you calling?
It's just an old joke, but I love it.
Oh, I love old, old-fashioned joke.
My favorite joke ever.
It's like, what's the last thing you want to hear when you're getting a blow job, when you're giving a blowjob to willie nelson i'm not willie nelson how do you get a dog to stop pumping your leg pick him up and blow him i love these old jokes what it what's the worst thing you hear when you're getting a prostate exam look ma no hands these are just classics i used to do this old bit about can you have a prostate exam joke in your act let me take i don't do this one anymore but
if you need it you can have it all right i might take it this is like i hate you know you have to bend over and they're going to probe you and it's like i like to take the power back so they start to do the exam and i always go is that all you got is that it come on so it's a commitment joke you know you got to just go full tilt come on get in there get in there you do a lot with genitals you know being crooked or only the balls or
they're folded or creased it's a funny rhythm you have i'd i'd fold my nuts in half and put them in a oh yeah well i think you got them rich that's your first origami dude is your damn nuts you know because they're so malleable and so like it's really such a if somebody gave you a pair of nuts it would blow your mind you know like in just loose off of a body um yeah i mean how it's built and everything it's really insane um yeah it's and
there's two nuts in there you know that's what's the craziest thing about you sometimes i forget that i have two nuts inside of my um nuts all the time i just forget about it you mean two testicles inside of your scrotum using the testicle and the penile will enlarge yes man you remember sex ed you remember going to sex ed the first time oh god how embarrassing you know dude we all wore i remember all the guys would like one guy wore like a fucking suit or like a little tuxedo like dude what is going this guy is spaced
bro people would wear cologne people be drinking cologne guys putting cologne on in their car before like it was the first cologne to go to sex education like they're seducing sex education or was the teacher a hot no it was a man dude but just sex education they wanted to smell good for sex education we just thought it was time for sex so we were just everybody's key we would we would we would wear hooter clamps just to keep our junk in place you know really hooter clamps they're just sort of like this thing you wear like a leather diaper that
keeps your junk in one place no i made that up but that's a joke we used to have hooter clamps are you wearing a hooter clamp tonight yeah i got my hooter clamp on good and we'd we'd laugh for hours about hooter clamps it would just keep your kind of wiener down which was an invented idea maybe brad thought of that i don't know just when that time when you're 20 22 and you just go off on those like we said just just laughing now did you ever feel left out if your brother started to get erections and stuff and you didn't have any of that or anything like that most of the erections
were private did you ever do a circle jerk with your brother and sisters i mean no we never did anything like that i remember one time ask one time we got under this blanket and things were like a little strange but it wasn't anything too crazy and our buddy and my buddy was there too it was just almost like a native american type of deal you know it wasn't native american like you were under the blankets like a tent yeah and then things started a tent started to form in your pants and you didn't know what it meant and you ran away we were all just kind of chatting naked under this blanket and then everybody started getting an erection i think nobody wanted to like
admit it you know so everybody was just kind of pretending like they weren't getting an erection we were more innocent we would make my sister play waitress like on a rainy day and go she wanted to play with us now you can't and go but you could play waitress okay so she'd make us root beer floats and stuff and she'd bring them in like a waitress and go yeah okay clean it up you know next day can we get a cheeseburger with cheese she became a really good fry cook for a while but she wanted to be our friend so bad we just put her to work i mean this was the this is the rough and tumble carveys this is like the sons of katie elder i mean we
were we were just badass weirdos building forts tents fighting was it weird so whenever you started to have like a lot of popularity in your life from work and stuff then was it oh was that was it tough with your relationship with your brothers like did you ever get scared like oh this is going to take away because i've felt that in my own life not felt it but i've just i guess i've worried about that's going to take away or it's going to make my brother think i don't care about him as much or something i don't know well i just nothing changed on my side but my brother scott had a sense of humor
about it he would introduce himself after i got something out of fame as dana carvey's brother hi what are you my name is dana carvey's brother my other name is scott carvey but my primary name is dana carvey's brother so we just laughed about it and just kept in touch i would do these things called lost weekends to stay in touch with my friends my high school friends my brother when i was you know peak snow so we'd all go to vegas everyone gets their own room we go see shows we went out to lake mead when it was there everyone would get a wave runner we'd
have beer and sandwiches in the front and we'd go out there with crystal clear and we'd go to islands and dive off rocks and just have a blast so i just went the other way i i made a lot of new friends you know from in show business but i have a lot of core core friends and you know fame is a motherfucker you know i mean there's no way around it it's just very strange and you're you're still on the upslope so um your brother did you look up to him he was older yeah not as kids i didn't but
as adults i really have you know he's really really special guy and so yeah i don't worry i just i i don't know it was just sometimes i just don't want him to think that i i don't know i think we do a pretty decent job it's it's just weird and then the money comes i remember just i had the thing like i'd go to a mall and i'd think everywhere i look i could buy it anywhere i look i could buy it you know and i i one time went in and i got like a mercedes because like an elvis move at a mall no not at a mall at a dealership but i got i got i left the mall
and i pointed at this one and it was like a mercedes coupe but i realized later on it had a plastic windshield it was like 125 000 it'd be like 250 now so i turned it back in and i got a big giant mercedes giant slv 550 huge thing and i was going into 7-eleven just in the valley and people were looking at me so then i just went to a honda pilot ever since then i like to get rid of stuff i don't want I have one car, one wife, you know.
You know, it's like, I don't need a lot of things.
I like guitars.
I like things I can interact with, you know, a woman, a guitar, a piano, a swimming pool, you know, things that are tactile.
Well, I can't get that excited about a chair and just look at the chair.
That's all right.
My wife does.
You know, it's just an interior designer, mine, an aesthetic mind.
I'm more in the internal world, but it's not self-congratulatory.
But going back full circle to your brother, yeah, it's so, it's, you could feel maybe a little guilt about it because you're changing the dynamic of how he's perceived, you know, which is normal.
It's not.
Yeah, I think it's you.
I don't want him to ever, I don't know.
I just didn't want my brother to think that he felt that I ever felt like I was more important than him or something like that.
I don't know.
And maybe that's all egotistical to even think that way, you know?
You're just a passenger in this.
So you just did this.
I don't even know what your resume was before you did this.
And then you got really successful, extraordinarily successful.
And that's just a train you're riding.
You couldn't will it, but you were active.
You did this necessary steps.
But this lane that you're in now, where it's Theo Vaughan World and you're a CEO of a business and you don't bow down to anyone.
No one tells you you're fired.
This is awesome.
I'm glad I live long enough to see this.
That's us doing this scripted podcast with just a laptop and the effects and all the things we could get for ourselves.
It's such an equal playing field for art and creativity.
And you're like one of the big, you know, people out there that have done this, you and Tim Dylan and others, but it's a magic world.
And you can't hope that you're successful.
I'll be therapist for a second.
It's not nothing.
You just ride in the train that, you know, and what happens over time, I'll tell you this much.
Everyone's all excited.
You're famous.
And then it gets boring.
It might be 10 more years, but some point it's full circle back to Theo.
Just like, and you're still going and doing stuff, but like been there, done that.
They're used to all the stuff.
But in the early heady days of it, you're picking up checks, you're renting cars, you know, and it's just a little bit of a whoop-de-doo.
I mean, I sort of got famous in a sense at 31 or 32. And so I had a long runway before that.
You know, if you make it as a child actor, that's fucked up.
Yeah, it's scary.
I mean, it just killed that one kid.
You know, you saw that, Aaron Carter.
He just, you know, he drowned out.
He drowned out.
I think they said he was Huff and Duster, which I've done.
I'm not going to lie about that.
What is that specifically?
Huff and Duster?
Yeah.
A-S-D-F-L-Sim or whatever it is.
Oh, okay.
And you hit the duster.
But I've hit it before.
I love it.
But I think it's sad to see what happened.
He was a child star.
And then next, you know, he's got six or seven service animals.
I mean, he had a damn, you know, he was in the damn iditterod, it looked like the guy had so many service animals.
Yeah.
And he was getting tattoos and neck tattoos.
Once it creeps up on the face, you just feel like it's a cry for help.
You know, it's like, what can I put on my face?
It'll make me okay.
And the interesting part about therapy is just checking your thoughts.
And that's a daily thing, you know, cognitive behavioral therapy.
Because if you get redundantly into those negative thoughts and you water those roots and then they get in your head, I'm a loser, I'm a loser, I'm a loser.
That's, you have to really fight all that stuff, you know?
It's a really interesting game inside your head.
It all happens in here.
All your joy, your sadness, your pain, just it's all here.
Wild.
And how you decide it is, that's how it is.
You ever meet a really, I have a friend, Chuck, who's just a really happy person.
Oh, yeah.
He talks like this.
He's got like this, you know.
He's like, the other day, you know, I was running on my hop over my bike, you know, and the wind was coming.
I didn't know what the fuck was going on.
You know, he's a mechanic for United.
He's a really bright guy, but he's just got this dems and dos thing of like, you know, you ever go to New York and these Brooklyn guys, I had a friend who passed away.
He's just like, you know, he's really like, you know, God rest your soul.
My mother did this for me and this and that.
You know, you got to take care of your family.
It's a way of just simplifying this ride, this 70, 80, 90 year ride that we're all taking on.
Just keep it real basic.
Right here, I'm with you right now.
We're bonding over humor and telling stories, you know, and I think that, you know, Theo's, you know, he's a good guy, you know, and you had a nice chat.
He would come to SNL and he was a basketball freak.
He would critique my SNL with basketball stats.
He'd come up because I do church late, whatever, he goes.
28 points, 12 boards, six assists.
Kapishe.
His catchphrase was this, which is another good one he did with my brother Scott.
You do what you do.
I do what I do.
Rubber chicken.
Capish.
I don't know why it's rubber chicken, but it just works.
You do what you do.
I do what I do.
Rubber chicken, capisch.
And then this.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Capische.
Well, he made everything simple.
Same with Chuck.
Live in the moment.
And it's a struggle if you're a curious, active brain, but it's, you know, it's fun.
Yeah, staying in that.
Yeah, I think it's true.
It's that it does all happen between the walls of your own head.
You know, it's crazy.
That's really where you got to tend the soil a lot.
And not even over tend it.
Sometimes you get so stuck on taking care of yourself that then that's all you're doing.
You know, it's like.
You mean mentally or physically?
Or all of it?
Mentally, all of it.
All of it.
It's like, I got to make sure I'm okay.
You know, that's a hamster wheel people can really get on nowadays.
Yeah, I think nothing has to happen is something that's helped me recently.
You get all pent up.
Nothing has to happen.
Yeah.
You know, this could have got canceled.
Nothing has to happen.
Just everyone calm down.
We're just here.
Nothing has to happen.
We're not going to the movie.
No?
No, not tonight.
Yeah.
Nothing has to happen.
It's just the way of everybody calm down and just laugh your ass off and make art.
No nuggets.
No nuggets.
No nuggets tonight.
Damn.
God damn it.
Nothing has to happen, dude.
Nothing has to happen.
It's okay.
No one's thinking about me right now.
If anyone out there is thinking, is Theo okay?
I mean, everyone's inside their own kiosk, you know?
Yeah, I think it was interesting.
So you, so when you're, you got, you had a lot of fame that happened, and then you kind of took a break.
Did you, is this okay?
This is a, from just an outsider's perspective.
Oh, no, no, totally.
I had this weird.
You took a break to take, was it to be a dad?
No, it's very much more complicated than that.
So basically, I did all this stuff before SNL because I was insecure, but I was in the club starting to kick ass.
But I did a sitcom with Mickey Rooney and Nathan Lane in New York.
Mickey Rooney?
Mickey Rooney.
Did you read his book?
No, I know Mickey, though.
Oh.
He passed away, didn't he?
He did, but he made it to like 95. Yeah, dude, did you hear about the story where he slept at somebody's house for like a couple weeks, right?
Yeah.
Oh, no, he let somebody stay in his house for a couple weeks.
He was married to some like bombshell, right?
Yeah, he, he, all six of the hottest stars in the world.
And I said, Mickey, how'd you get him?
He goes, money makes you handsomer.
Money makes you handsomer.
It's his own word, but go ahead.
What was his story?
A guy stayed at his place for a couple of weeks and he left him a couple paintings as a gift.
And they were, and then like a few months later, he was getting a divorce or something.
And so a friend helped him move and he said, oh, you can have those.
Somebody left him here.
And they were Salvador Dolly's.
They were two Salvador Dolly paintings.
And he talked about struggling with money most of his life.
Oh, yeah.
And then here he was giving away a couple dollies like that.
It's kind of crazy.
Yeah, there he is right there.
There he is when I, oh, there I am.
This is the tallest I've ever been.
Mickey's like, he called himself, I'm a fireplug.
You know, built like a fireplace.
And Nathan Lane.
And that he was my grandfather.
And I was just cast from NBC.
I got a deal frequently.
I had a teen idol thing going on and go, you're going to play Mickey Rooney's grandson in New York.
And then I met Nathan, and Mickey thought I was gay the whole time.
He would put his arm around Nathan and look at me and go, I'm just glad we like girls.
And he finally got money because he was broke for 50 years.
Rooney was?
Rooney was broke.
I called up Warner Brothers in 1955.
I said, this is Mickey Rooney.
He was always doing this.
I need a job.
And he'd stare off and he'd go, he hung up on me.
And then you'd come into the studio and you'd hear him down the hall.
How long has Robert Redford been in the business?
He's one of those guys who talk till he ran out of air.
How long has Robert Redford been in the business?
10 years?
I've been in the business 62 years.
How old are you?
62 and two months.
I mean, he's one of those guys who's a baby.
He had so many, he would say this a thousand times, literally, literally.
He would say this every day.
I was the, which he was.
He was the number star, number one star in the world, 1937.
I was the number one star in the world.
You hear me?
Bang the world.
And he did that.
You hear me?
Bang the world.
But he had finally had money.
He was doing a Broadway show on our show.
He went to the racetrack all week.
It was old show business.
We had a guy who was five feet tall, his head was, and we would just rehearse with him all week.
But Mickey would have like $5,000 and he'd put it in front of my face.
He goes, think I can afford lunch?
And he had a 38. He didn't like the script.
He would bring it out and he'd throw the script.
This script is ca-ca.
And he's waving this 38 around.
And he puts it back in.
He goes, they're not going to get me.
Who?
He was going to kill Juan Corona, the serial killer.
Before this, I was going to go to see Juan Corona.
And I would say, you know who I am?
I'm Mickey Rooney.
And I was going to plug him full of holes.
He was the craziest, greatest.
He would play a piano because he was a jack of all trades.
He played these piano chords.
He goes, this is Steven Sondheim's favorite song.
But then we bonded.
He thought I was a hack and an idiot.
But then I was able to do Jimmy Stewart for him.
So that's when I got him.
He goes, how you doing, Mick?
Yeah, good to see you.
And said he was an impressionist too.
He's like Sammy Davis Jr.
Just could do anything.
So we got going toward the end and Nathan and I, and, you know, there's so much more to it.
But Meg Ryan played my girlfriend, Scatman Carruthers.
First time I really befriended this beautiful older black man from the South, I think, or whatever, but Scatman Carruthers.
And he was like such a poet.
My brother came out to visit me and he'd say, see that man over there with the broom?
He's an artist.
We're all artists.
And he played the ukulele and he'd walk around the studio, had an unmarked bottle this big of pills and he'd just chug some, you know, their vitamins.
I'm going to 100.
I'm doing Mickey now.
I'm going to 100.
So what happened was he had, he smoked a lot of weed.
It was always weed everywhere.
Scatman?
Yeah.
Scatman.
So during the break, I went back to San Francisco.
There he is.
He was the nicest guy.
So Scott and I got like 10, we got like two lids of Columbian pot.
Those days you'd fly with it.
I guess we put it in the suitcase.
We gave it to Scatman in Rockefeller Center.
This is 1981.
Mickey Rooney's around.
Scat, here you go.
Next day, he's in the elevator with me.
He says, because, you know, he grew up during secrecy with Pot.
He said, the music was good.
Might I get a pound?
So it's the best pot he ever had.
And he could look at, not even look at you and roll a joint and it was closed on both ends.
So then after the show got canceled, he was living in Van Nuys.
And so Scott and I brought a bag of Santa Cruz Colombian.
We didn't even smoke pot at that point, maybe a teeny bit, but we brought it to him.
He played ukulele.
He goes, I got a bad wheel.
It was just such a sweet guy.
That was a cool part of that story of meeting him and hanging out with Scatman.
Oh, yeah.
There's nothing better that feels, I feel better than giving like good weed to a black guy, I feel like, too.
There's just something as a white guy about that that feels good, you know?
I guess so.
I just, you know, I didn't, I grew up, you know, mostly as a white neighborhood and we had an integrated high school.
When I was 14, I was standing there, Carmont High School, 2,500 kids, and they brought all the kids in from East Palo Alto.
So these buses showed up and 500 black kids came in to the school.
And all I was worried about was they'd think I was prejudiced.
I'd say something that sounded prejudiced.
But then, you know, they all ran on the team.
We all hung out.
But Scatman was just sort of, he's just a poet, you know, just everything he said was poetry.
You know, some of these people like.
Yeah, my dad had this fella named, his last name, Wilson, right?
And he had a, one of his limbs was shortened out, right?
He probably had that, you know, he had that damn sand wedge on him.
He had that pitching wedge on his left.
And so they would, they would cut a bunch of, he had a bunch of pieces of tire cut and just kind of either glued or nailed onto the bottom of that shoe.
Interesting.
And he would stand sometimes when he didn't have his good shoe or whatever, he would stand on a little stoop so he looked even from far off, right?
It was just a big, he didn't want to be uneven, you know?
Was he a vet or was it just congenital or an accident?
He just probably, I don't know.
Maybe he got raised in an area on an uneven surface.
I have no idea what happened to him, right?
But they he used to put, he would hang out with my father and he would, you know, go get lunch for him and stuff sometimes.
My dad worked in a French quarter for a little while selling, I think, some kind of bullshit.
But this guy would help him out and he would put cinnamon on his palm of his hand and let us lick it off when we were children.
You never forget that.
My grandmother bring date cookies and stuff and that seems exciting.
Any old person so good a treat, anything, they hook you up, let you lick their hand or whatever.
It just made you feel one thing I appreciate, like my mother had a friend that was just from Montana.
Her name was Cookie.
So she's an old person who just giggled all the time.
When you didn't meet a bitter, you just, I met a lot of bitter people.
They didn't like being old.
And my date, you know, it's like, okay, show business especially, or life is a bitterness factory.
So be one of those cheerful.
Don't be mad at someone for being young because James Ferentino was mad at me for being young when I did Blue Thunder.
Really?
So I was in this mock helicopter, another show that I did.
And he was purely doing massive amounts of Coke.
He had a Styron Form cup this big as straight vodka when we were in the mock helicopter with our helmets on acting.
And then I got fired from that.
That's crazy people would do that then because they don't do that now.
I know.
It was so obvious because he got out of the chopper.
His dealer was over there.
And then I thought, I'll just take a sip of water.
I was so young and naive.
He would take, he was like Scarface.
He'd take the script out and he'd just pound it on the instrument panel and the fake helicopter.
We're like 10 feet in the air and they're blowing steam at us.
You know, okay, and we're pretending like, there we are.
I love this.
God had a great haircut.
Dude, you do.
I could definitely see if a gay dude rolled up, bro.
You are toast.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I was Jaffo.
Just another frustrated.
Look at that.
That guy punched.
You look like the same guy.
Well, that was a while back.
But yeah, no, that's me being the macho guy.
But I just had lines in the back of the chop there.
He'd say, Jaffo, incoming.
Jam him.
And I would say, I am jamming.
I am jamming, sir.
You know, I wanted to be Richard Pryor or something or Steve Martin.
I'm in this.
I bet they play that at so many bathhouses on loop, dude.
I am jamming.
I bet you were on so many...
I'm not jamming, but someone else is.
I think you need to sell specific.
If you sold tickets in specific areas, man, you would really, really.
But he would call me at night.
What are they saying about me?
Oh, that you're doing drugs and you're out of your mind.
Okay, just checking.
See you later.
But I got fired.
They put me in the helicopter with that suit on, and then they fired me.
They said, come on down.
The whole crew was there.
And I had to come down the ladder wearing that.
And they go, you're fired.
I am now.
They could have told me before I got in the monkey suit.
So I got to do it.
It's like an old show called Brandon.
I'm walking across everybody, you know, kind of waving, humiliated.
I go to the wardrobe guy who I kind of befriended, and I'm kind of shook up.
And I go, man, I'm funny.
I can do stuff.
And he put his hand on my shoulder, like, sure, kid.
It's okay, kid.
And then I ran into him after SNL.
He goes, God, you weren't right.
I didn't fucking, you know, so I got revenge, but that was another crazy, I had some crazy people, you know, experiences.
Did you ever trial for MacGyver?
That makes me think about that, looking at that show and then seeing you.
It seemed like they almost would have put you on there.
I don't know.
At some point, I stopped because what they did was they were giving me $7,500 a week.
And I'm from a middle-class family.
That's a lot of money.
Yeah.
So I was like doing all this stuff was a waste of time.
But in the meantime, I was doing stand-ups.
So finally, I got, they offered me Funster Hall.
It was like a punky Brewster spin-off.
So the pilot was going to be $30,000 in 1984.
That's a lot of money.
So I just thought, nah, I can't do this anymore.
So then all I did was clubs.
Oh, because you were making too much money touring.
Well, I was just in comedy clubs.
I was mostly Seattle.
Bay Area had like five full-time clubs.
So I started going, you know, I started headlining.
I was headlining, but even bigger rooms.
And I was making plenty of money.
Yeah.
You know, $2,000 a week.
And so I just did that for two years.
And then I did one final thing that was different was a movie called Tough Guys with Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas.
So they became my buddies.
That was weird.
I was the third wheel in that movie.
Kirk Douglas is.
He just passed.
He passed.
He made to 102.
He was the dad, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Kirk Douglas.
He talked like this.
And there's a ton of great movies.
And Burt Lancaster.
These were like, this is like working with Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt or something.
Michael Landon, did you ever work with?
No, I would love.
There we go again.
Yeah, look.
Look, I was the pro.
I was the straight man again.
What are you guys doing?
I'm telling you, we're going to rob a bank.
Yeah, they were Kirk Douglas.
When he saw me, I go, I played him Richie.
Kirk Douglas said, well, you're perfect.
You look exactly like Richie.
And then Burt Lancaster said, how many movies have you done?
I go, well, this is my first.
You've done one.
I've done 72. So that's the way they talk.
You can look it up.
So look at all this shit I did.
It's a different time, huh?
Well, I'm on SNL as the church lady eight months later.
I mean, I just came out of nowhere.
Nowhere.
What?
Yeah.
But they were, it was a thrill being around them and listening to them tell the stories.
Jack Nicholas had won the Masters Golf at age 46, and people thought, and they're like, I had pimples at 46. 46 isn't old.
It's not even, not even middle-aged.
And they talk like that.
And eventually I started doing this thing, which I just politically incorrect.
You can cut it out.
But just for my own amusement, late night writer's room stuff, I did them as lovers, you know, Kirk and Burt.
And I don't really like blue humor, but I thought their voices would blend so funny.
Yeah.
And The comedy was about the rhythm and the vernacular.
I want you.
And I want you now.
And I need to have you.
Okay.
Don't rush me.
Two men having fun.
Doesn't mean we're gay.
Come on.
Do what you got to do.
Don't keep bucking around like that, son.
I only got so much play down there.
You keep bucking around like that.
I got to pull out and splooge all over your backside.
So that was the poem that made Lovetts throw up in a parking garage.
So I would do 20-minute versions of this for the writer's room.
Could you do Burton Kirk?
And I did it on an HBO special, but I do it with Lovetts and Lovetts because I would just go so far with it.
You know, I don't know why I need you, but I want all of it.
Tonight, you won't...
And I made some tapes for friends and sent it to Bill Hayter.
I'd like you to come over to my house.
359 Cannon Drive.
This is 1952.
I'll be there with Belza.
There's a gate off the side.
The code is 754 pound.
We're going to wrestle.
We're going to wrestle naked style.
I'm looking forward to it.
Would you like me to bring anything?
Lemonade.
Bring me some lemonade.
We'll lather up and then we'll wrestle.
First man out of the ring loses.
I look forward to it.
Just naked.
I might be by a diaper.
4.55 Cannon Drive.
I'll be there at 4 p.m.
Make it 4.15.
I got to get ready for the rhythm.
So it's just me having a party with those rhythms.
Because when I do this stuff, I'm the audience in my head too.
I'm trying to make myself.
So that's, I've been canceled three times.
That's great to be the audience in your own head.
Aren't you a little bit sometimes if you're in a roll and you're doing bits and it's packed and you're rolling and you're doing it a little bit better or a little bit different than you ever have?
So you're turning yourself on, going back to the beginning of the podcast.
And what did that do?
Turns on the audience.
You get to turn yourself on.
But that's all I'm trying to do all the time.
I did Biden last night on Kim all that.
I was just trying to get that feeling of a rhythm that makes me laugh.
Yeah, and he keep going.
Come on.
Let's get real.
I'm not getting around here.
We're all well endowed by our Creator and all men.
It's the belief that all men are created equally with liberty and job suits for all man-made kind.
You're ridiculous.
No joke.
Of race.
Cricker creates clear water or colored balloons.
I walked on the moon.
You know how he yells.
Walked on the moon with Lance Armstrong.
He says that buzz, buzz, buzz light here.
It was cold and dark.
We got home, the grace of God.
President Harris was there.
I'm Joe Biden.
So I was just kind of trying to find a character and a rhythm because Trump is so easy.
I'm going to make an announcement soon.
You're going to love it.
I'm going to say things like you wouldn't believe.
And I know how to say things.
People don't want me to say it, but I'm going to say it pretty soon.
And you're going to be happy like you wouldn't believe.
So they're just fun, fun rhythms.
I did one as Obama as a preschool teacher.
Jack and Jill went up the hill.
Jill decided she wanted to become a Jack.
And Jack decided he wanted to become a Jill.
It's a teachable moment.
So anyway, that's all.
These are just rhythms I'm still working on.
I did them on Kimball, but I like to do them on Theo Von.
Is it?
Thank you.
It's a nice game.
You have a good sense of humor.
Sometimes, man, I want to learn how to do one with you real quick.
What is like one that you think I could do?
Maybe some of them are.
Some are just sounds.
Well, I would say the quickest one, and these are just, these are ad hoc.
They're just traditional, is Walking.
You can just start with that voice.
The one I distilled was Christopher Walken sees an amazing magic trick.
So it's really quick.
Christopher Walken sees an amazing magic trick.
Wow.
Whoa.
You're making three syllables out of one word.
Instead of wow, it's wow.
Whoa.
And then don't know.
Don't know.
There you go.
Don't know why.
Wow.
Don't know why.
Well, it's a great character.
You should play a hitman that talks like that.
Gotta kill you.
Don't know why.
Plug you full of holes.
No.
But he's like, everyone does him.
I'm trying to think like a...
Oh, yeah.
They said it would take a man 600 years.
Hold on, let me try it again.
They said it would take a man 600 years to get out of this here prison.
But Andy Dufran did it in less than 20. That is good.
That is very good.
Pretty good.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's interesting.
There is fun to throw your voice.
Is it weird?
Because some of your friends have died and you still do their voice.
Well, I have Dino Stapanoboulis is a great writer.
He, every time one of my impressions dies, he texts me.
So when George Bush died, he texts me or Regis Philman, you know.
But there's a passage of time.
You don't do it the day of.
But David and I do Norm because we miss Norm and we want to do Norm.
And we know that Norm would have a twinkle in his eye and would be smiling if he heard us trying to do him.
Hey, they say a penny saved is like, what do you call it?
Penny earned, right?
Yeah, that's like a thousand.
That's 100% return.
That's like, now you can't get that, right?
You know, Jack me nimble, Jabby quick, you know.
Jemmar Kenny said, what is he, bipolar?
What are you doing over there?
You know, he was just that brilliant mind.
Yeah, David, we'll do that one where like where Norm just describes, like, he's like, yeah, I'm trying to like, uh, hold on.
I'm horrible at this.
I'll queue you in.
So I'm trying to like, I don't know.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, it's like a thing.
It's like I walked through this thing.
It's like a, it's like a tall rectangle.
Like a, what is this?
Like, it's a doorway.
But like, he would just talk about like, I'm in this room and it's just men and there's men peeing in there.
I don't even.
I know.
Have you guys seen this?
Have you guys seen this thing?
He did a thing.
And I don't know if John has talked about this, John Lovitz, but so it's like, yeah, he had a gambling issue, right?
Hey, John, give me, give me, give me, come on.
He did his act.
John's going on.
Give me $800.
I got a gamble.
Come on.
So John's like, okay.
So the next day, John goes, can I have my $800?
He goes, no, I don't have $800.
He goes, well, you owe it to me.
Why are you so mad?
I lost $8,000.
You only lost $800.
Why are you so angry?
He just turned it on him.
And John was like, Nor would always fuck with him and say, I'm a better stand-up.
No, he goes, I'm a better stand-up than you.
I'm like a better stand-up than you are.
I haven't done it longer and love us who gets so mad.
Excuse me.
Well, you owe it to me.
That's the best that he does at.
John has his own character.
He doesn't even know where it came from.
Hello.
But yeah, as far as the 90s thing, what you asked is, so I did two shitty movies for $3 million each.
They were terrible.
I shouldn't have done them.
I just didn't know what I was doing.
I came off with too much heat.
I had Wayne's World, Pro, Bush, Carson.
I was doing.
All this stuff came together.
So I had too much heat and I didn't really know what to do as a middle-class kid.
Because now I wasn't 35, I was 3 million.
And I hated it so much.
I said, then I had two other offers, pay or play.
Hans and Franz, the Gurlyman Dilemma, but we wrote it with Arnold.
He dropped out.
So I didn't want to do that.
Bob Odekirk and I wrote a Western called Tucson for me and John Lovitz.
That fell out.
And that was 3 million pay-up play.
But I was okay to get rid of that.
They tried to put us together in Bad Boys, another 3 million pay-up play, but then the script just wasn't right.
And it was a hot oven at that point for me.
So I got out of that.
So then I just sort of stopped.
And then I had two kids, but it wasn't, then they went along.
And then I did the variety show.
I did a special.
And then I did the variety show with, you know, with Louis C.K. and, you know, Carol.
You guys had great writers on that.
Great show.
Did you play writers?
Well, Smigel was, it was, you know, I interviewed Louis E.K., you know, he was brilliant then.
And we had an A-team for sure.
When you decided to like take a, so was it a decision to take a break or was just like, this kind of feels what I should do?
Was it like specifically to kind of be a parent?
Was it to make sure that like...
We moved up to Northern California.
I was also sort of disillusioned, you know, because the movie thing, once you make those two things and they stick to you, then you're just in a hole to dig out of in a way.
Oh, that's what I mean.
If I'd done, I had Hans and Franz the Girly Man dilemma and others that I was working on.
I just made, it's just a misstep.
I always think of big life, big mistakes.
It's okay to have regrets.
But then at that point, I could make a fortune in stand-up.
Right.
So I could work.
I would take two months off at Christmas.
I would take the summers off.
So I could be a present dad and make a shit ton of money, especially corporate dates.
I didn't want to do them.
So they'd say this much.
I'd say, no, I don't want to do it.
And they go, well, how about this much?
No, I don't want to do it.
Then they'd say this much.
I go, and a private jet?
I still don't want to do it.
Okay.
What kind of private jet?
Gulfstream?
Okay.
So then I started doing those interstitially.
Yeah.
So I was able to take care of everybody financially, but I was in no man's land.
I was untethered.
But, you know, fame was not something that I was, I'm kind of like other, there's some of us where fame didn't quite settle with us.
It's scary.
Some people embrace it and love it, and I don't judge that at all or very easy with it.
For me, I'm kind of an introverted extrovert.
So being famous was not, it was a very odd thing.
The money was fun and the creativity is fun, but the fame part, you know, I don't know.
Yeah, it's kind of scary.
But that's how I navigated that.
I just throw those numbers out so people know because my wife, so I was doing stand-up while back and I would just tease the crowd would go, I know you're thinking, like, why am I here?
It's like 20 seats in the valley.
And I go, I know me too, but I'm a millionaire and stuff like that.
So you don't want people to go, oh, he was so big and now he's poor.
So it was never a problem.
And now it's just full circle.
Everything's real in real time for me.
And so this weird place thing is just super fun.
Fly on the wall with David is super fun.
I mean, so I'm just having complete creative fun with both those things.
I'm not frustrated.
I'm not in a shitty movie or stupid TV show.
You know, I'm doing my own thing now.
What was it like watching your kids be funny?
What was it like watching your son?
Like, was that kind of interesting having had your own relationship with your own dad and your brothers and stuff?
What was it like when you were a dad and then you had a couple of boys?
Like, what was some of that kind of like?
Well, we just had, we just had a lot of fun.
We had a lot of games.
You know, they were just game for anything.
We'd do things like on a rainy day, set up an obstacle course around the house and time them.
And they'd run.
They did the classic like massive pillow, massive, well, we did the pillow throw.
It was called the, and so they would, I get all the pillows from the couch and they would run across on the carpet and I would try to get them under their feet and fall.
And they love the, they loved all the games, you know, the Hide and Go Daddy, which they would go in the room and they would hide.
I knew where they were, but I would creep around and go, I don't really know where they are this time.
You hear the closet door shaking?
You know, so they're, they, and they have their own friends and their own humor, even as little kids.
They were, you know, but we just had a lot, a lot of fun.
They had a childhood of freedom up there, Northern California suburbs.
Kids could just go out a lot more and, you know, sort of.
So I don't know if Dex can jump on the mic on this one.
Yeah, I'm just kind of, I guess I'm just kind of curious, you know.
We just had a lot of fun.
I watched a lot of movies, had a lot of rituals.
And, you know, we went to on vacation a lot to Montana a lot.
And we just were in Montana.
And it very nostalgic, you know, for Dex and Tom to be up there in Montana, right, Dex?
It's the best state.
Unbelievable.
Was Fred Wolf up there or not?
Not at that time, but he's up there all the time too.
Yeah.
If you go to Flathead Lake in August and you catch a nice day, it's like Tahoe.
No one's on the lake.
And the water is just temperate.
The mountains, I mean, it's a magic place, northwestern Montana, Missoula, where I was born and where we were this summer.
I mean, tubing and stuff just on an incredible motorboat.
Right, Dex?
It was the best.
Tubing behind a bows is one of the best things on the planet.
Dex, whenever you, was it like whenever, was there ever competition with you and your brother to like make your dad laugh?
Were you guys like kind of funny?
Was it, I'm just trying to think of like what it's like to have humor like with your father.
I never had like moments with my dad where we made each other laugh that I can remember anything.
I think I was just too young.
So I guess I'm just, maybe there's no correlation.
I don't have it with my dad either.
Most of the time, I think I was a regular dad.
You know, I wasn't always doing voices and characters, right, Dex?
Well, when we were doing, when you were working up for your special and we were, you let Tom and I go on the row with you, that that would get a little competitive, you know, because Tom and I would be opening for you.
So if, you know, Tom like just crushed.
Yeah.
Like, oh man, I got the.
So, you know, the brothers are doing stand-up.
And, you know, it's, yeah, we had, but I would just say we just had a lot of fun.
My wife, who likes a very tidy home, just gave them full run of it most of the time.
You know, the airsoft battles where there's a million pellets and their cousins would come over and couches and they'd be in there fighting for hours, loading up.
And, you know, I couldn't watch them.
They'd be on skateboards going down a steep hill.
So my mind was too active on that thing.
But my wife could watch them go down the hill.
And, you know, they had a very free childhood in a lot of ways.
Don't you think X Green, you know, bike riding?
I couldn't ask for more fun.
They did a lot of independence.
Yeah.
Yeah, North Bay, Mill Valley.
Just a little Steven Spielberg town.
Wow.
And Julian, Julian Mattelich was there too.
And now with full circle, here they are working on this thing years later.
Isn't that funny?
The weird place, which what we're always in, we're all always in the weird place, man.
It's such a twilight zone, life is.
Yeah, it really is.
To touch reality is sort of because I feel like your dreams are, and your memories are very similar, you know?
You dream something, but like you try to like hold it in your brain, you in fourth grade or something, it's kind of in that place where you would hold a dream, you know?
So it's sort of elusive, isn't it?
Did that really happen?
You know, in fourth grade, when we would, because you're remembering it just in images in your head and we skip the rocks.
And I beat my brother that time.
You know, he hit six skips.
You know, skipping rocks was a pretty cool thing.
Skipping rocks is still a conquistadorian event if you can get into it and do it well.
Yeah, I miss the days when things were a lot more simpler and things would be, like, I remember walking down the street, somebody invited somebody, their family, somebody had died over there, and they buried them in their yard, right, to do insurance money.
They weren't going to tell anybody and get that check.
Wow.
So me and my buddy Summerall are walking down the street.
And next thing you know, we get invited to a damn funeral.
So we're in the backyard at these folks' house, and they're burying the damn grandfather in there in the ground.
And then we go back there and play kickball and shit back there.
And he was in the ground for like probably 11 months before the cop, they figured it out, you know.
Wow, that's that's extraordinary.
A cadaver buried in the yard.
And we had to do a, I remember where they said, does anybody want to say anything, right?
And my buddy, he said grace, like you say at dinner or something.
He didn't know what to do, I guess.
We were just children.
Wow.
He said, God is great.
God is good.
God, we thank you for this food.
And I'm like, this is a fucking...
Yeah.
Scott and I were in the pet cemetery team under the willow tree.
So the animal.
Oh, y'all were burying him out there, huh?
So you almost had a little bit of land, huh?
Well, no, a quarter acre.
There was a willow tree.
That's a little close to be burying a dead animal, bro.
Well, what else are we going to do with him?
Take him to the dump?
I don't give a damn.
If you don't have a half acre, bro, you don't have to.
No, it was a short, you know, Boots got rigor mortis in the laundry room out in the garage, so we cannot go, we're touching Boots.
And Boots like, so Boots has ants coming in his mouth, and he's kind of stiff.
We're not Japanese thing.
Not sure he's dead.
So we get the shovel, and we're bringing Boots down to the pet cemetery, the willow tree, and we dig the hole.
And we put Boots in.
We both heard, we thought we heard, and we go, I go, what should we do?
And he goes, he's gone anyway.
So we buried it and Tiger and then Pepe.
Pepe got run over.
My brother Mark was sort of not a good driver, so he backed up over.
She took a nap under the tire.
We came out.
Poor little cute little poodle.
The head was all flattened out, but he said he never felt a bump.
Scott and I got the shuffle.
This time it wasn't a question mark.
We're down there right next to the boot.
You know, so we buried a lot of stuff.
Anyway, no, but yeah, we had a kind of a suburban, but it was low population, a lot of open land.
And so a lot of getting in hollowed out trees and smoking cigarettes.
Oh, yeah, Boo Radleying out there.
Yeah, getting in the hollow tree and getting sometimes getting stuck in it, you know, and fights, fist fights and headlocks, you know, cut it out, cut it out.
You know, a lot of just like, my brother got through a dart and like stuck stuck in my leg and I had to pull it out, you know.
But anyway.
It's real shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I know.
It's just, there's a, there's, we have a, the symbiotic.
I remember a guy borrowed some money off me one time to buy drugs, right?
And I didn't know he was buying it for him and his mother or whatever, but I went down there a couple weeks later to get my money back.
You know, I'd loaned it to him like $2.50 and I needed it.
You know, holidays were coming up and all of that.
And so I went under their property and they had like 11 people lived in like a house this big as this room.
And there was people sleeping in the sink.
And I was so scared to ask for the money.
And then him and his mom started fighting about drugs.
And next, you know, they're fist fighting in the yard.
You know, and I was like, oh, y'all can just keep the money.
I mean, they're just beating each other's teeth in.
Jesus, we had the Casson brothers, and their mom was like 28 or something, you know, and she was divorced.
She was a tough chick, but she was never around.
And Johnny Casson, Jimmy Casson was bigger.
I had fist fights with both of them, you know, and I would take five to get in one roundhouses.
I was 90 pounds.
And then Jimmy beat up Johnny.
I was over there.
And Johnny came out of the kitchen.
He got every sharp knife in the kitchen.
He was holding them like this.
He couldn't even throw him.
He goes, and he had like 10 knives.
Look, Cassin brothers, there was the other side of the tracks, even though we didn't have train tracks there.
You know, mama was horny.
Their mother was just horny.
She was horny.
Oh, dude.
We had that lady.
I think I told you the other night, my mom got a dang Dodge neon, right?
And it was so nice.
And my brother would go, my brother and I, my brother Zeph and I would go sleep in it at night.
Just because it was cool.
It was just the, it had plush interior.
Yeah.
It had, it just smelled like something new.
Yeah.
You know, we'd be in there, God, just smelling just smelling as much newness as we could.
Oh, God.
And we'd fall asleep in there.
And then this lady, we had this lady that live a couple apartments down and she'd always play, she'd be out there one time and she was getting railed by some guy on the, on the fucking new car against the side of it, dude.
My brother and I woke up and this lady, she was always out there kind of touching herself and fucking huffing, you know, not paint, but something.
And then we just felt the car shaking, dude.
It's funny to go by people having sex.
We run cross country in high school and this couple's on the trail.
As far as the car, my dad had a British, we always had used cars, but it was a Hillman.
It was a nice British sedan.
And my brother Scott, the guy who ran over Pepe, he was like 18. So he went to some baseball thing, hot dog jamboree.
And later on, we found out he had 10 Heinekens.
So he drove the car home.
He had had 10 Heinekens.
Then he got hungry.
So he had pink popcorn.
He had two big things of pink.
And I don't know how he made it home, but he came in.
He was so fucking drunk.
My dad goes, you drunk?
So he's sitting on the bed.
So my dad's doing roundhouse.
Listen, right.
He broke his wrist on his skull, probably the first two punches.
He wore a cast and we had to say, we couldn't say why.
My mom's saying, you're killing him.
You're killing him.
But he didn't feel anything.
Scott and I were the team.
We had to clean up the pink popcorn covered all over the front of the Hillman.
The only thing worse than that is when the whole neighborhood's toilets backed up in our downstairs toilet.
It just started flowing out because the downstairs brothers had just a toilet down there, no sink, and started flowing out.
So we were in charge.
So Scott and I were the bucket brigade.
So it was poo and shit and water going up.
Not just y'all's, everybody's?
All just not ours, just the whole neighborhood.
It was just not all ours.
They just came and it was flowing up and we're bailing.
Brad had a drill because it was starting to rise up.
So he could have electrocuted himself, but he was drilling and then he went under the house and was drilling holes for the water to drain.
And my mom was screaming too.
He was under the house drilling holes for the water to drain because the plumbing was pouring up in the well because it was filling up the room and we were bailing as fast as we can.
We were really good athletes at the time.
We were fit, but just like for hours.
And my mom was screaming.
You were even throwing it out the window?
We were throwing it out the window.
And we even grabbed shit and throw it out the window.
Well, buckets or grabbing.
It got just in a frenzy because we just, we're trying to stop it.
If you got a loose hand, a dookie of a stranger, I don't know if there's any other.
Well, we had every texture that day.
We had kind of milky.
We had really solids.
We had two double solids.
We had every kind of feces going out that day.
We learned a lot about the human anatomy and gastrointestinal stuff.
But these are all true stories.
I couldn't even tell you.
I mean, there's a lot.
It's good.
It's fun.
We had some rough and tumble.
What I remember about a lot of people don't remember.
Like, I'll hang out with my best friends from growing up and they don't remember a lot of the stuff that happened.
That's the interesting thing.
I'm like.
Well, you're kind of jogging my memory because of the car and all these things.
A lot of people just don't remember it.
I don't know if they didn't, weren't paying enough attention or I think I was hyper-aware as a kid too.
I think as comedians, you get hyper-aware because you're really alert and sensitive to what's going on.
That's good for a comedian is to be observant and really be a sensitive instrument, I call it.
And so it's almost a form of light form of Asperger's.
You don't want to look at the light too much because everything's so intense, you know?
And I just remembered all of it, you know, I just said because it was, and there were some just lazy moments too, but there was one time where I just got incredibly lucky and it was almost a spooky day at this weird cabin in Montana.
Well, they had a slot machine in there.
You know, it had all dimes in it.
And so I started getting.
You were a child or an eighth?
I was a child.
I was like eight.
Scott was 10. I started hitting jackpots.
And then he'd do it.
And then I kept hitting jackpots.
Then we were playing poker and we had these chips and I kept getting perfect hands.
It was this day where I was just incredibly lucky for this day.
Like I couldn't lose.
Couldn't lose.
It went back to the little, and it was dimes coming out.
He gets like, you know, one cherry, gets a dime.
I get three cherries.
So that was kind of a mystical day, you know?
Yeah, things when you're young, they have so much.
Like even if you win, you win seven dimes.
It's like, remember when this happened?
I remember we were going to the movies and we found a busted open Coke machine and somebody had been trying to rob it and like Jimmy'd open and they'd ran off obviously right as the money was falling out.
And I walked up and there was all this money and a watch.
You could see the robber that had reached in there with his watch had come off.
So suddenly I had me a nice watch and as much money as you could think of.
I loved it.
That was my addiction.
Shoplifting.
You know, I would go in when I finally got caught, like I had a special billowy coat and a special secret pocket in the back.
And so I was like in this drugstore and I'd been shoplifting like crazy, you know, shopping candy, everything.
And I got this top that you would spin and I put it in there and I'm on my bike.
And right as I was getting away, the guy grabbed the back of it.
So then my brothers, you know, they were the ones who got me into shoplifting.
They would stick stuff down my pants.
They would stick stuff down my pants.
But then I, you know, I was shamed by that.
I took the fall.
They didn't say, we were shoplifting too.
We used to stick stuff down his pants.
We taught him how to do it.
They didn't say anything.
They stayed quiet.
So my dad came in and I thought, okay, here it comes.
You know, snapped the belt.
But then he goes, oh, Jesus Christ, you brought shame to the family.
But I didn't really feel that.
I saw it bullshit.
And I said, come on, they were all shoplifting.
Well, anyway, we're halfway through the podcast.
We're going to take a break.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We've probably done pretty good.
How long have we been?
Two hours?
Oh, Jesus, Jesus, Christmas, man.
Seriously, really?
Yeah, I didn't realize we kept in here that.
Did you put it in two parters or?
No, we'll do a one-parter, man.
And yeah, I wonder if they'll let us play a clip from your show.
Do you think they will?
Which means the weird place?
From the weird place.
They can play anything you want.
They brought a couple clips.
Yeah, I got a clip.
You want to play it?
Yeah.
Which one is it?
I'll set it up.
You guys were saying Psycho Bale.
Psycho Bale.
Okay, this submarine crew goes back in time to the pirate ship.
Okay.
And then they interact with them and they figure out they've gone back in time.
And they go on a tour of the pirate ship to show them everything.
And they go to the brig and they meet this especially potent prisoner.
And the captain, McKinley, from 1966, is a little thrown by it.
And this is their conversation.
He's behind the bars.
Okay.
Are you sure that cell will hold it?
Well, I could never break out.
Not with these balls made of fine Spanish steel.
Now, who is this oddly attired gentleman?
I'm Captain McKinley of the United States Navy.
Navyman, something.
Something strange about you.
What is that sweet fragrance I smell?
It's a deodorant.
Diodob Rand.
Never heard of it.
Huh, this guy's starting to give me the creeps.
So there's a little, it's, you know, the filmic music, the sound effects, like he's slapping the bar and the effect on my voice.
We played around with that forever.
I was doing Hannibal Elector.
I was doing all.
And then these guys pitched it down.
And I said, oh, God, that's the guy.
That's our bad guy.
That's Psycho Bill.
Who is this right here?
Yeah.
What's that sweet fragrance I smell?
Deodorant.
Never heard of it.
You're a Navy man.
Something strange about you.
Oh, yeah.
You know, it's almost there.
Do we have another one?
Do we have the ant one or no?
Yeah, I got it.
Okay, here is like the guy who gets the magic power with the globe.
These bullies shit on him.
He says, I'll fight you in an abandoned lot outside of town.
Then he goes to the globe and he sees an ant and he puts an ant on the globe and it's magic globe.
So he drops it on the lot they're at and they're just waiting to fight him and this giant ant comes out of the sky and these bullies have to fight the ant.
Here's a piece of it.
There's a lot longer, but yeah.
Look at those legs!
That antenna!
Coming out of the sky.
It's a giant ant.
Oh, no, we gotta fight this thing.
Keep your feet moving, boys.
I don't like that man.
Get the shotgun out of the truck!
Yup.
Yes.
Let's give her a few biscuits.
Throw a rocket's head!
I don't know how to hit it, and they said it was no hell.
Come on!
It's all right.
Got the rope around his neck.
Whoa!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
The rope around his neck.
Got to break it, boys.
There's that.
Keep fighting, boys.
He's getting tired.
So they're fighting for their life.
Just to give you a sound collage.
Who made the ant noise?
They did it.
They did effects.
I did some practical effects where we layered it.
It was too much fun.
Layered it a ton of effects.
Julian, what'd you do, man?
What'd you do to help out?
I want to know a little bit more.
He did all the stuff decks.
They were partners.
Lyndon and McCarthy.
We'd kind of lay down some initial effects with our just voices and whatnot or find some stuff on YouTube.
And then we would send it out to our mixer guy we were kind of collaborating with and he'd help us sort of build it.
How exciting are the moments whenever you kind of like, okay, let's redo it again, but then you realize how much you raised the bar on it?
You're like, oh my God.
That's it.
Yeah.
That's it.
Look how much more we can do.
That's why you kept doing it.
And those guys went downtown with that ant thing.
And we kept doing it.
Did the Carveys gang up on you, any Julian?
Or did you feel like you had, were you afraid to be the, you're obviously the odd person out.
And there's nothing you can do about that.
That's, you know, there's not much, but no, we all grew up together.
We had a hole cut in our back fence and we had a tin can phone and whatnot.
So yeah, they were, they know each other.
He's like a brother from another mother.
I mean, they're like thickest thieves and they have so much shared experience.
I met Julian when he was three.
God.
What was he like then?
He was, he was about, he was pretty, pretty cocky.
Really?
He had diapers on, but he hadn't.
No, he was just a cute little kid.
Shirtless, probably, huh?
Probably.
Just strolling around the neighborhood.
Yeah.
Drinking out of a tip.
That's cocky as you can get, dude.
And his dad's from Mississippi.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I was baptized in Mississippi.
Oh, damn.
Maybe that's what's up.
Yeah.
Dude, I saw, I used to work over there, and I had to paint a fence one time, right, with this fella, Big Johnny.
And he was a homoerotic guy, right?
And he would wear big chains and stuff.
And he had a big afro, and he would drive on a riding lawnmower all the time.
And he and I had to paint this white fence.
And the birds, all these, I think they were nightingales, maybe, would come and try to get into his hair.
And so my job while we were painting, I had a badminton racket and just to whack them all day, bro.
So that was your job?
Yeah, we were out there.
I started painting, but by the baby, about an hour in, he couldn't handle the pressure of nature.
So what, 60 cents an hour and you're just whacking birds with a 10?
Oh, I was doing pretty.
I was getting paid five bucks an hour, but I was out there.
I probably dude, I bet I took 30 sparrows off that dude's brim that day, man.
I mean, because his hair was just, they wanted a nest in it.
But did you wound them and then they'd fly away or did you really whack them dead?
I'd say probably 40, 40, 50 or 40, not 40, 50, 50, 50. Wow.
Birds are intense.
Yeah, it depends.
Well, the problem with birds is they're coming out of the sky and you don't know what's going on up there.
That's what I find.
Right.
Animals you get a little bit more.
They run up.
You get the ambiance, but a bird, you're like, fuck, you know.
We have some koi fish on our farm slash ranch and they're inside this cement.
It came with the house, but they built it so like the bald eagles or whatever's up there because most of the people come over and go, I can't believe they're still alive.
And they're big.
They're like 40 pounds and they'll live to like 110.
Yeah.
They'll live way past us.
They're like vegetables that float around.
I mean, they go round in circle in a five-foot thing and they're fascinated for 100 years.
But anyway, he said that the birds intuitively Know they could get them with their tail on, is that it?
But they wouldn't, they don't have enough runway to get out because they'd hit the Buddha statue.
Damn, so they're safe for now, they're safe for now, yeah, baby.
Safe for now.
I think we all, we're all that's all we all are.
We're all safe.
How do we close this, Dio?
I, I, this has been so much fun.
I really told you a lot of stuff.
No, look, I'm just, I think it's interesting.
I've heard some about your life.
I think it's nice that you're getting to work on a project that, you know, with family.
Obviously, family is something that's been very important to you.
And so I think that's super.
To me, that's really cool, man.
Like, you know, I talk about doing stuff with my brother.
There's a lot of people who'd give anything to be able to do a job with their dad, no matter what it is, you know, and like, especially to make something like this that almost anybody could really make.
Like, of course, people aren't going to have to do it.
No, people make them, but we know that there's a whole new level you need to go to.
You can't just write a script, get some voice actors, and add a couple of effects.
You need to win the war every moment for the attention span.
You need every single moment.
That's why we made it kind of like an album.
Yeah.
You know, rather than just something to get something else.
Hey, maybe someone will buy it and we'll make a lot of money.
You know, we actually said, no, we want to conquer this space.
And those guys, they were writing with me at the table.
They were directing me.
They were doing rewrites and they were doing the editing and they were stacking the effects and working with Ben.
And, you know, it's just and choosing music, bringing in the music.
And the music inspired me.
Yeah.
You know, and the right scary music for Psycho Bill or what's the music?
And we had that library.
So we were able to make it filmic, as you can see by these samples.
Oh, yeah.
Well, it also does that thing for me.
It brings back your imagination.
That's it.
Suddenly, my imagination has to work and it's almost excited.
And I don't mean that any dad and son could do this or any dad and family and friends can do this or any group.
Anybody could.
You could make something fun with your family.
You could do something.
With the tools available.
You can make cool stuff.
You can make really cool stuff.
Yeah.
But also, obviously, you guys are trying to get it at a level out there where it's like, you know, you want to put a piece of art out into the world.
And I think it's interesting that you didn't burn yourself out over the years.
So you still have a little bit of the veracity or concern or whatever to want to do something like this.
A lot of people get burnt.
I mean, there are people that, you know, do 20 things that they don't want to do for years and they get burnt out, you know?
My other son watched The Time Machine with Rod Taylor, obsessed, which I showed him as a little kid, and he's possessed by it.
So art and music, my family with the Beatles and movies, just everything to us.
Making art, doing it.
I like to think that because of my cross-country and track, I've kept my VO2 max really strong.
Like, I don't think anyone in Hollywood could hike up a hill with me.
I don't really think so.
If they could, but I'm going past like, they're all in the slow lane.
You could beat Nealon Easy on his little.
Well, yeah, I don't want to pick on him.
I'm thinking of you and me, Mano Mano.
I'm looking at 30 years younger.
He's got lungs on him.
Does your dad have some good lungs on him, Dex?
Unbelievable.
Wow.
Well, I've just never stopped.
I need it for my mental health.
I love playing the guitar.
Like, I do it for an hour every night, making up shit.
And I need the breaking the sweat with the pulse.
I love it.
But I do think the core energy and passion for me, and I'm just surprised, it sounds so self-congratulatory, but I care just as much about this as anything I've done.
Anything.
It doesn't matter to me.
When something was kind of shitty, if something's popular, okay, I might like it.
But, well, you can tell by hearing, right?
You just tell.
Because the amount of layering that went into it and the amount of sound collage and just finding Psycho Bill and writing the part and what do they say.
I want to ask you a question.
Yeah.
Blink in your brain when you hear that voice.
I could never escape.
What do you picture?
Psycho Bill, you mean?
Yeah.
I picture a big, oh, you know what?
You say, no, well, I wonder if my brain's taking over.
I picture a little bitty guy with the biggest wiener you've ever fucking seen.
A human tripod.
I mean, he's got, no, he has to wear it over his shoulder in a bag.
Yeah, he uses it or weapon.
But he doesn't even talk about it.
It's just you don't really know that.
Okay.
And he has the biggest, thickest, darkest mustache you've ever fucking seen.
See, that's the thing.
That is your psycho Bill.
That's your psycho bill.
So that you.
He can get out of the prison easy.
He could literally just walk through the bars if he wanted.
there's stuff that happens.
But he stays in there because it's just, There's stuff that happens with other sailors and there's some illicit stuff that's going on.
Yeah, good.
So, you know, that's the great thing about this.
If you're driving around as a mom with your kids and it's nothing else.
You can listen to it with family.
And let them imagine the story.
Let them decide what Captain McKinley looks like or Captain Jack, you know, who I worked after my wife's Irish uncle.
Am I going to talk like that?
And we used to call him Captain Jack.
So all the characters have some reason or some way I found my way to them.
There's a character called Smarty Wiggins, a pirate, and I base it off this Irish woman, Noni, who talks sort of like this, but he's the smartest pirate in the world.
And he invents the toilet and he goes, I call it a lavatory.
Because he's a genius, pirate.
But that was coming from Noni's voice.
God rest her soul.
She went to the stars.
God damn.
That's what my father used to say all the time.
Oh, really?
God damn.
God damn.
And he would like, just randomly.
Yeah, we'd wake him up and he'd be like, God damn it.
It was, that's like all I remember him saying most of my life, dude.
And then he would like have some beers.
He would, oh, he would take me to the bar with him and he'd tell me to go walk down the bar and come back, you know?
Well, my dad used to literally walk down the bar and I'd walk down it with all the people's glasses on and stuff.
Walk down and get a beer for him?
Or just walk down it and come back?
You know, when you're little, it's a long bar.
You know, when you're four or five, it's a pretty long bar.
But it's all nasty stuff.
A bar is illicit.
You know, reaching in and getting a little popcorn or a snack.
You're, you know, jumping over this glass and, you know, you can conversate with people.
It's almost, maybe that's how I got on stage first.
I didn't even think about that.
But I'd walk tonight and I'd go walk the bar for him down there and the lady would be down there.
She'd give me a little Christmas candy.
Even if it was out of season, she'd have a little cup of Christmas candy.
And he just wanted you to walk down just to see what it was like.
Just get off his nerves for about 30 seconds.
Oh, just go walk around for a bit.
Yeah, go walk down the bar.
He'd say.
Because it's harder to get down the bar.
If you walk down the floor, it's wide open.
But the bar, there's deviants.
You got a damn fucking pedophile.
You got a couple fists fighting there.
You know, you got a guy picking his nails, you know, and giving it to you or whatever.
You know, you got a lot of.
And you have a great memory.
You got people to meet along the way.
So you paint pictures with your brain.
Because I'm imagining this bar now.
Oh, yeah.
And imagine 10-year-old Theo.
Tony Padoni's, it was called.
Tony Padoni.
And then my dad was like, we're going to ride.
All right, we're going to head home.
And we'd sit in the car bugging and leave in just a minute.
And then he'd fucking fall asleep.
And I'd just be fucking sitting there.
And waiting for him to wake up.
Oh, my dad would, when I was in junior, I was the last kid there.
He'd give me an enema kit because he was too embarrassed to go buy one.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Dane.
This is my best.
This is how we talk.
Oh, could you give me one of these?
And it's something funny because I was buying the enema kit for him, no embarrassment.
Yeah.
Even though they might be going, what?
You're that constipated?
You're 18?
You weigh 110 pounds?
Jesus, kid.
But I know, okay, just give me the enema kit.
Jesus Christ.
But he did take us to the Kit Kat Club in Idaho Falls.
Oh, that's nice.
And it was illicit.
It was dark and kind of nasty.
And your father took you in there?
He took us in there.
To get you a drink?
No, we were just driving up to Montana.
My sister went with my mother on a plane.
And so we drove up.
But just the bar scene as a young, the darkness of it, because when I worked at Holiday Inn as a bus boy and I'd go to, or a waiter, I'd go into the bar to get drinks in the afternoon.
And then there'd be like a parent of one of my friends would be in there just getting blasted.
He'd see me and he'd kind of look down.
And then I did room service.
I waited on Michael Jackson.
I waited on little Richard.
He was naked.
I waited on.
Richard was?
And did he see the night?
He answered the door naked.
It was homework.
Well, there was a man in the bed with sheets over, and he answered the door naked.
Seems pretty gay, I think.
I think it's gay.
And he goes, have you been to the show?
Because he was playing the Circle Star Street.
You were a child.
I was 18, 19. You've been to the show.
And I did, you know, I just, I waited on Richard Pryor, waited on, you know, Carlin, waited on Rich Little, stuff like that.
Those are whole other stories.
But anyway, so Theo.
I think we're okay, man.
I think we got enough.
We spent a lot of time together, man.
Well, it just flowed really nice because I do this now.
Yeah, I know you did.
This was really fun and easy.
I enjoyed it a lot.
Yeah, me too, man.
I really did.
I mean, I kind of broke a sweat a little bit, but I think I'm okay.
I think it counts as a workout.
Well, just you get a, you know, you just sort of get, it's exciting just sharing these stories and the way we were bouncing off each other because your stuff just keep, it was inspiring me.
Oh, thanks.
Because I'm like, the new car, the brother, or the thing, the guy with one toe or whatever.
It's like, oh, man, okay.
We had something kind of like that, too.
So we were, we were kind of hillbillies from the middle class white suburbs, basically, up there in the Bay, San Francisco Bay Area.
Yeah, but I think it's interesting.
I think there's just so many commonalities.
But I love remembering things from the past.
I think it's pretty fascinating.
I love imagination.
And yeah, I think stuff like this is good.
Stuff like The Weird Place is great for people because, yeah, it'll help just to get you to go, especially moms knowing or dads, knowing that they could listen to it with their kids.
Yeah.
Hey, what do your kids think?
Throw it on, you know?
Oh, yeah.
And we have some emotionality, like I said, in it.
Nothing heavy-handed, but there's some sweetness to it and earnestness to it.
And we were doing thinking of this before, Ted Lasso, which I think that struck a nerve too.
We love the dark stuff, but there's something about earnestness and sincerity.
And we loved going back into that 60s vibe.
And they're all evergreen.
They could play a thousand years from now if there'll still be submarines.
And so we just love it and just feel very lucky.
Was there ever a chance, like looking back on some of your like prime days when you were working on SNL and you got to work with so many unique people?
And in a time when they let characters really develop and reoccur and you had your catchphrase.
It was so much fun.
Was there ever a chance you guys would try to get back to?
I've always wondered why didn't like five or six of the guys say, hey, let's do this.
Let's just make our own thing and do it.
It's, you know, you said that.
That's an outside of perspective, you know?
No, I know.
And you always think, oh, but then you're kind of like, how do you get back to sketch?
You know, me doing these voices and improvising these rhythms was exercising that same idea.
And there's a freedom without an audience.
You know, you don't want to be indulgent, but you can also step outside yourself.
But yeah, it's a magic thing.
That's why Spade and I's podcast is popular.
It's a reality show.
The people will laugh and will have a good time, but there's an emotional underpinning to that shared story of getting this incredible lucky break.
You're with your friends, or I call them your bandmates.
You're all getting a little money.
You're getting a little famous and you're all doing it together.
And you're live in Rockefeller Center way up in the sky in the middle of the night.
And there's horses and dwarfs on the show and people are juggling and you're falling down and all kinds of shit going on.
And so it's something that's a fever dream kind of in a way.
But getting back to it is very tough.
There's other ways to do it.
I think I had a podcast a while back where I was doing long form riffs.
It was called Fantastic.
It's still out there.
Where I would just take flight of fancies and go for 10 minutes because that's what I would do backstage.
Kevin and I would do Hans and Franz for like an hour.
Yeah, you'll lose.
We were just cocking that voice for an hour.
Until you found good moments?
Yeah, and then we'd have to repeat it on, but our best moments, we would just fall and giggling and, you know, just by, you know.
The moment.
You can't, that moment, it's so nice.
When Kevin said, and if you don't think we're properly pumped up men, you know, the defensiveness of Hans and Franz, we could very easily come to your house, stretch the flab of your back into the shape of a rope ladder so you could crawl down into the sewer because that's where losers live.
To me, it's poetry.
It may be my favorite rhythms.
And the guys who never lift anything, they're terribly wounded, terribly insecure.
They have this stupid show and they're just trying to get back at imaginary enemies.
They think the audience doesn't think they're macho.
And I could very easily, you're lucky, your buttocks are like marshmallows.
You're lucky I don't have a campfire here.
Don't undo your belt.
You might cause a flabberlatch.
Your patellio muscles are so flabby, I'd like to shape them in a ball and put them under the put you under a Christmas tree.
You know, it just gets into madness.
So, Kevin and I love that.
I was sort of would have been happy if that movie had come to fruition.
Very funny movie.
Conan O'Brien, Robert Smeigel, me and Nealon wrote it together.
Hans and Franz, the girly man dilemma.
So, but anyway, life's good.
Life's good, man.
You're staying creative.
You get into you getting to have a family and be a real human in a family.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My wife and I are just incredibly regular people doing regular things.
There's an enviable thing when I see people who can really take joy in doing regular things without being in their head.
Just going to a matinee, watching a movie.
I'm having popcorn.
Man, this is great.
I'm putting some raisinettes in the popcorn.
You are?
I'd say to Scott, what are you going to get?
My brother Scott, movie theater, everything.
We were big into movies.
We liked the movie.
We'd see it five times.
Oh, dude.
I remember going to Pink Cadillac.
It was playing somewhere in my grandmother's town, and I went over there.
What year was that?
I don't know.
Damn, I don't know.
Saw it over and over again.
Yeah.
Oh, I just remember eating so much fucking candy, vomiting in the bathroom, and going back and watching more.
We'd go to matinees, but you would go at 12 and come out at 5. Oh, yeah.
And crazy coming out into the light.
It was so light again outside.
Yeah, and you're in there watching Odie Murphy Westerns back to back.
You might get a sucker and nurse that.
Or if you're a big hunk, you'd just suck on that.
You had to last all that time.
It was like you could bring a can of beans or 50 cents because if they were having a Salvation Army thing there, bring some soup and get in for a five-hour matinee.
Even though we're a generation apart, there's so many things we have in common.
Things aren't that far off.
It just, you know, maybe we were the original Hillbillies of San Carlos.
Parents from Montana, you know, Gristle and Dale Baked Goods, and everyone loved to come to our house.
Cock and balls, babe.
I'm cock.
I'm cock.
I'm only caulk.
He's only balls.
When you put us together, you got cock and balls.
Yeah.
All right.
We should mic drop it on that.
We'll do it there.
Danny Carvey, thanks for your time.
Thanks, Steve.
Loved it.
Enjoyed it.
Peace out.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, man.
But when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Aye, Sweet.
Easy to.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John Main.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
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