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Nov. 22, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:41:06
E419 Gangsgiving

Theo is back with a long-awaited solo episode. He talks about a wild incident that happened during his show in San Diego, cold-induced lesbianism, the power of choosing to be hopeful, and more. He also responds to some of your voicemails heading into Thanksgiving.  ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit   https://www.amazon.com/stores/CELSIUS/ShopNow/page/95D581F4-E14E-4B01-91E7-6E2CA58A3C29 ClickUp: Visit https://clickup.com to start reclaiming your time for under $5 a month. Use code THEO to get 15% off ClickUp’s massive unlimited plan for a year. True Classic: Visit https://trueclassic.com/theo to get 25% off. Lightstream: Visit https://lightstream.com/theo to get a special interest rate discount.  Manscaped: Go to https://www.manscaped.com to get 20% off with code THEO. Mr Ballen: Listen to the Mr Ballen podcast on Amazon Music   ------------------------------------------------- Music: "There is a Light" by Stonekeepers ft. David Manuel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlYmX8jvwz8&ab_channel=EpidemicSoul "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com   Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Gang baby.
Gang baby.
Gang.
Triple gang.
Boy, we gotta hear triple ganging.
Getting ready for gangsgiving, son.
Happy day to everybody.
Happy day to everybody.
I hope you woke up today and somebody loved you.
And you know who I really hope that was yourself.
Because that's the kicker.
You know, I meet a stranger, I'll hug him.
You have somebody dang, you know, fuck, I'll hug a dang hitchhiker.
You know, I'll put, if there was a hitchhiker and he put his hands in his pockets, I'd put my hand in his pockets at the same time.
Just play hot pocket in there.
No rubbing or nothing.
Just be there with him.
You know, because you don't know a hitchhiker until you've, you know, walked or handed a mile in his pockets.
You know, it's like, I'm just saying it could be a hitchhiker and I'll go, I'll stay and I'll hug him.
I'll hug him fast because they're dirty.
They got a lot of that interstate dust.
You know, a lot of those big trucks throw up a bunch of dirt.
And if you're right there H-hiking, baby, a lot of it damn get lodged on you.
You'll have a sand dune of just of just cigarette ash and interstate dirt just lodged in the crevasse of your neck if you're out there hitchhiking.
But you know, I'm amazed sometimes at my ability to be loving towards strangers, but then lacking that same compassion for myself or sometimes for people that are close to me.
You know, it's like I'll give a, you know, I'll take my chances on a stranger.
The devil's rose shambeau, baby, a hitchhiker.
I'll take my chances out there before I'll do a before I'll easily, you know, what are we talking about?
Oh, loving.
Before I'll be loving to someone who is already close to me or is built, is my family a lot of times.
It's been in my past.
And that's not my present.
But it has been my past.
Anyway, not a downer there, just interesting.
And it's that time of year, you know, to really, you know, it's that damn time of year to damn, I mean, kiss grandma.
Kiss that bitch in the kitchen, you know, just, and I don't, even, look, if she's had a glass of wine, put a damn blindfold on grandma and damn kiss her.
Put it, say, look, what was grandpa's favorite song?
Put that bitch on and lock on her.
Don't be perving out on her.
Don't be trying to touch all in her slip or, you know, or damn split a thing of dentine with or whatever, effident or whatever it's called, efferdent.
Don't try to, don't be, don't get all pervasive.
But I think, look, if you want to put on your, sneak on your granddaddy's favorite shirt, if he's passed away, I mean, and put a blindfold on grandma, slow dance in the kitchen.
Let her put her head on your chest.
Just be that miss, hey, I know you miss grandpa.
Let me see, could I slow dance with you for a minute?
No touching.
I just want you to put a little old spice in that.
Make your little pond of, you know, where your clavicle makes that little pond right there on your neck.
If you're hungry, if you leaned out, you can get that little, you make your little puddle right there.
Put your little old spice in that bitch.
And get grandma up there in the kitchen, dance with her.
Do something for somebody, you know, that's what I want to do.
Little things.
See my sister, give her a hug.
Text my brother in the morning, tell him I love him.
No reason at all.
Just The simple fact that he graced my heart, that the idea of him, that he visited just my brain.
You know, it's not, it's, you know.
So I hope, yeah, I hope, and not everybody has a family member, and I hope that you do have somebody that you love or that loves you or that you're able to love yourself on this holiday time.
Because we need it, and it's tough, and it is what it is, baby.
But I'm so grateful to be sitting here with you, and we got a nice little episode here.
And yeah, I'm just feeling full, man.
I'm feeling full of hope.
As much as I don't want to be, sometimes I don't want to be hopeful.
You know, there's a part of me sometimes don't want to be hopeful.
You won't see me down there by the hope pond putting hope meat on my hope hook and just hoping I catch something.
So I don't want to be hopeful sometimes.
Sometimes I'd rather be a curmudging.
Just talking in four-wheel drive everything.
I got a V10 in my throat.
Marr.
Diesel.
I got diesel tonsils.
And I'm just every, I want to be hard.
Because it's been hard.
It's hard sometimes to be hopeful.
It's hard if you feel like life has burnt you a little.
If you feel like the past wasn't what it was supposed to be for you.
You don't want to be hopeful anymore.
You want to have that chip on your shoulder.
You want to be a shoulder chip, baby.
Out there chip chopping and just slanging chips off your shoulder.
Step right up.
Who needs a chip?
Chips on one shoulder, dip on the other.
You're just a damn little condiment.
You're just a little damn appetizer at that point.
But yeah, I'm more willing, I feel like, these days to try and be hopeful.
Just be hopeful.
I didn't want to be hopeful because if I admit to the world that I'm willing to have hope, then that means I'm not willing to hold a grudge.
And sometimes I don't know if I'm willing to let go of one of them enough to grab onto that other one.
Because that's where you got to have some faith in there.
When you're letting go of the grudges.
To grasp onto the hope.
There's some space in there.
Thank you.
And that's, man, it's the shortest bit of space, but damn, it is hard.
It's hard to get, it's hard to get from one to the other.
It's hard to let go of those things that are, because they give me power.
Oh, I'm angry about this.
Fuck this bitch.
These people and that and that.
Oh, you know, I remember them.
That all gives me, it gives me something.
Well, I can always preach at them.
But man, if I want to let go of that and reach for that hope, baby, damn, that things could be different and open myself up to opportunity.
It's been hard for me to do in my life, but today I'm hopeful that I'm on to something new.
Come on, baby.
Thank you for being here with me today.
I love you.
Whenever you die, out in the cold, faithless and dark, your story is untold.
Come take my hand and walk here with me I know a place where we can be free There is a light shining for you Guiding your
way, helping me through Shadows and gloom are all that you see We'll find a place where we can be free From the mountaintops down to the deepest alleys Hear a voice calling you It's the rising
sun shining in the darkest alleys Can't you see we'll be free?
Come on, baby.
There we go, and we got into that.
And you got to get into it, baby, sometimes.
You got to get damn in there.
You got to get in there.
Bam, boy.
Son of you got, man.
Son of, I wish I could just completely hide myself inside of my nuts.
Don't you?
God.
Because I'll say this about nuts.
People say this and that about nuts.
Oh, them nuts are nasty.
You hear women say that.
Oh, look at them nasty nuts.
He got them old, you know, he got them old 1990s nuts or whatever.
Or you'll hear them say, oh, he got them, look at these cheap nuts.
Some woman said that to me once about my nuts.
I'm like, what?
She's like, yeah, but you cheap ass nuts.
And then she hit my nuts like that.
Dude, and you know, if you have nuts, one quarter, if you have a quarter square inch of pressure on your nuts, bro, if a damn acorn falls off a seven-inch tree and lands On your nuts, bro, it's going to hurt because your nuts is damn.
Oh, they are insecure.
I'll say that your nuts are insecure.
That's just what they are.
But, um, but I'll say this: the skin on your nuts, damn, come on.
Actually, that's a damn beauty.
That's a nice material.
There's no doubt.
If I had a couple of damn damn ball skin loafers or something to put my feet in while I watch television, oh boy.
If I had some damn, just some dang, you know, if I had me some nut wall slippers in there, damn.
A little bit of sheepskin on the outside, nut wall on the inside of a pair of dang Christmas slippers, whoo.
Santa's coming on my feet, boo-boo.
You ain't stopping me then.
You ain't stopping me then, baby.
If I had a damn nut coat, if somebody said, damn, what you wearing, boy?
Me?
Nut.
Damn, that's 80% nut.
20% boss, baby.
If I'm out.
Now, I guess some people would get the nut skin jacket or say, if you couldn't afford it, I'd get the vest.
Because if you show up to a party, baby, and you damn, you've just vested out in some just sheer ball skin, if you're wearing sheer ball, if you're wearing a sheer damn ball vest, man, that bitch's going to be nice.
People, they're going to invite you in the back room to smoke you a giant or something or get you some bubbly back there where they keep the good stuff, you know.
Because that's how it goes.
It's like at a party, you go to somebody's party and everybody's having the normal amounts of things in the living room and it's, hey, come back over here.
If you're doing well at the party, if you're socially acceptable or you're being, you know, enjoyable or you're dancing well or whatever, you brought a couple dames with you and they say, hey, come over here to the back room.
And it could be anything.
If it's just an eating party, it might be somebody invites you to the back room and they got, you know, just a damn little jar of homemade molasses and they just spooning people out.
Get you a little half ounce.
You know, get Debbie a little half ounce.
But if they got drugged, then it could be drugs, you know.
Hey, get you a little sack of this.
Get you a little gram of this.
Give Tiffany a little bit of this.
Oh, Ron likes them uppers.
Make sure you upper Ron.
You know, it's just.
But if you're wearing damn nuts, boy, come on, son.
Now, the tough part is if you got cheap ball skin, you got that shit, you know, you'd have different grades of it.
You'd have no hair.
You'd have to go probably no hair, I think.
But I don't know, bro.
You show up with some damn Middle Eastern nuts, skin coat or little, even just a, dude, if you had a damn nut skin neck brace, that bitch would be expensive.
And if it had that hair on it, you got to keep the hair off of it, I think.
I don't think I would want that.
And then the different grades of it are the ages.
You're like, damn, they got this shit off a 95-year-old.
That's, you know.
And then it's like, oh, this is damn, you know, this is some good 45, you know, somebody unfortunately passed away, maybe cancer or I don't know.
Then this is where this whole theory is getting a little bit dark.
I'm seeing that.
But dang, boy, you telling me I don't show up with some Uggs made out of dick jug skin?
Come on, baby.
The devil's chicken nuggets, baby.
Nuts.
Nuts.
Satan's tonsils, baby.
You know what I'm talking about.
Nuts.
You're nuts.
But God forbid I roll up with a damn nut skin belt, fresh nut.
Like, damn, look at that thing.
And I would even, I'd go down probably off a, you know, I don't want to say off it, but off of Asian probably or brother.
Depends on who, you know, what kind of, what you're going for.
Because you could do some basic Caucasian nut, but I don't know.
Anyway, this is getting a little dark.
It's getting a little dark.
Happy Thanksgiving is what I'm trying to say.
And happy Thanksgiving to you.
We got some new stuff.
It's that time of year.
We got some new items.
If you want to get somebody a gift, you can check out the Hitter Hunting Club Collection.
Now available at Theovonstore.com.
We got hoodies and orange and maroon and a couple different items over there.
If you'd like to get out in the woods, we want you to feel like you can take this past weekend with you.
So we're grateful for that.
We got camo hats.
If you like eating Thanksgiving with your family, but you want to hide from them at the same time.
Because I've seen that, man.
We got, you know, you'll have a guy who don't even want to be around his family that much.
And so he'll be in a damn deer blind in his house.
You'll have a guy in there in complete camouflage at his own dinner table.
You're like, hey, dad, please pass the pears.
And he picks a pear off his dang his camo because he has like the camo he got was cheaper, had like a tropical vibe to it.
And so, you know, it's got pine and like some, you know, bark, but then it also have a couple damn fruit trees in it, bruh, you know?
Like, damn, this camo is a little, you know, this camo don't, this is that San Francisco camo.
You know what I'm saying?
Boy, he'll have a damn fruit tree in that bitch.
Some of his, he'll have a damn bird feeder on, like, damn, this camo really, it's in three-dimensional camo.
And he'll damn pick a pear and pass it over to his son at the dinner table because they're having trouble communicating and the man can't keep in touch with his own family.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
And I never have.
I never really have.
And you guys have always been supportive of me for that or while I've done that.
And thank you.
Thank you so much.
I am, I'm feeling better.
It's scary to say that a little bit, but I'm feeling better.
Even just moments like today where I'm able to sit here and not feel too overwhelmed.
And just, man, I'm just grateful.
I'm grateful for the people that have been coming out to shows.
I'm grateful for the community we've had.
I'm looking forward.
We're trying to get a new studio.
It's not going to look completely different.
Okay.
We're just trying to get a new facility a little bit because this one is, we're right close by the elevator.
I mean, we are.
I mean, that bitch is right there.
So you can, you know, if somebody's going, I can hear somebody picking their nose in that meeting.
So we don't want, you know, we just, and it rattled.
We just want to get, and the bathrooms are right there.
So it's like you can hear people in there.
If some dude's gassed up or he got that body gas or that booty puff on him, you know, if he's burping out his ass, we can hear it.
You know, the valet guy, they got one dude.
He says he's valet, but he's not.
He just is just a, it's just a dude that gets angry at people for parking.
So that's not, that's kind of just an asshole, kind of.
But he, uh, he gots a bad GI tract on him.
I mean, he got some damn, that dude's got some humidity in his butt because he'll, you hear him in there.
Just cat four and in there.
He'll be up there.
I mean, the weather channels show up when this dude hits the throne, baby.
He's in there, butting out in there, doing booty, spraying large, baby.
Praise God.
Bless him, but I don't want to be right here on him.
You know, I feel like a middleman sometimes between him and the rest, you know, because you hear him in there, damn trumpet of the swan.
He's in there.
You know, he's in there.
He's in the damn in the Philharmonic in that bitch.
He's in there playing that booty harmonica, dude.
Tooting.
You know what I'm saying?
Fighting.
But we'll get into the episode.
I'm going to let you know a couple of dates we got.
Louisville, Indianapolis.
Shreveport, Louisiana.
Baton Rouge, Corpus Christi, Texas.
Houston, Texas.
Houston, Texas.
Houston, my bad.
The H, they had lowercase H here.
Phoenix, Arizona.
New York City, New York.
You know, and they say it twice like that in the title just because they're, you know, they're just assholes.
That's just how it is, you know.
Well, hey, welcome to New York City, New York.
I heard you the first time, guy.
You know, I heard you.
We both heard you.
You heard you too.
You heard you.
And then Austin, Texas.
Those are all dates from January 25th to June 3rd.
All those are at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
Please make sure you go through theovon.com slash tour because you're going to get accurately priced.
What else happened?
Oh, we went to San Diego.
That was amazing.
Thank you to everybody for coming out over there.
I got real sick, man.
I had a flu that hit me.
I had a flu that hit me.
And so, man, we were getting bag after bag after bag, just getting IVs and stuff in the back.
And the lady that came to give the, she was kind of watching.
She was cool, but she also, she would just, she'd throw anything in that bag, in the IV bag.
Everything had damn, you know, it had vitamins and in that bitch put damn, I think she put a thing of crystal light in there, the little, like, damn, I don't know if I can do crystal light to my veins.
You know, she was putting everything in that bitch.
You know, little everything.
She put, you know, she put two out about two hours and 20 minutes of a five-hour energy.
She poured that bitch right into the bag.
I'm like, damn, bro.
You could hear my heart.
It sounded like it hit a speed bump.
Like, dang, bro.
That shit, she was pouring anything in that bitch.
And one of the shows I got out there, I could even barely see out of my eyes.
Man, my eyes weren't doing good.
And my ears, I couldn't, all my senses were getting, I thought, you know, my senses were kind of getting phased out.
Kind of like Elon Musk worked for my senses.
And he's like, all right, we cutting two of these bitches off, baby.
We cutting two of these bitches off.
What else?
I hope you're doing something good for Thanksgiving.
I'm going to head down to Louisiana.
I'm hoping to get to see friends and family down there.
And I'm really looking forward to that.
What else has been going on?
San Diego was really amazing.
You know, it was just, you know, I hadn't been out there in a while.
And so just to get back on stage, one of the shows was pretty late.
It started late.
And so that was hectic.
But thank you to everybody for all your patience.
The Thursday and Sunday shows were amazing.
The weekend, I don't know.
Oh, one night there was this, they had a security guard.
Somebody was doing something.
Some lady Kept showing her tits, right?
And I'm, you know, I want to see him.
You know, call me whatever, you know, titty boy or something, but I want to see, you know, hey, look at these tits.
And she hit them tits, boy.
I'm like, damn.
And I knew right when she showed the tits, my tongue just came out and went like this.
And it was just nothing to sh.
It was like a damn reaction.
It was a reaction, bro.
Like my tongue, yeah.
Like my tongue was waving at them, just came out of my mouth.
Like just, you know.
And so, but she kept showing them.
And I didn't, you know, they was decent.
You know, I was probably 40 yards from them.
And I love a tit at more.
I like a tit more at probably zero to a half yard.
That's my favorite space for a tit.
And then I like a tit a little further out, probably at about four yards out.
But that's my favorite spacing where I like a tit.
You know, probably zero to a half yard or about four yards out.
And then she kept shot and just say, you know, screaming.
So we had to get her out of there.
And then the security guard, I asked him, and he acted like I didn't even exist.
This guy, he had a mask on and he had like those fake contact lenses, you know, like the ones that are like, you know, it's almost like somebody looks like they work at like, they put those contact lenses in.
It's like they work at them, like, it's almost like Satan like knows somebody in their family and they've been recruited for Satan.
Like Satan's recruiting and they've been reading the pamphlets at night at their house.
You know, but I'm talking about when they get those crazy eye things, they don't look real a little bit.
But anyway, I don't even know what I'm talking about now.
So that was kind of wild.
But thank you to everybody for your support.
Where else do we go?
That was amazing.
Well, we just got so many new spots coming up.
And we'll put up new places.
People are like, are you coming to the England?
You coming to New Zealand?
Yes.
We'll come to all of them.
But time has a way where it doesn't let you do it all at one time.
You know, time is a single file line, really.
And I can only be in the line in one place at a time.
So we'll get there, though, and I'm looking forward to it.
And we'll get to everywhere.
We're going to get to everywhere in America.
We're going to do it all.
You know, I want to come over there to St. George, Utah.
My brother lives out over there.
I want to get over there and be able to see him and do his show.
We want to get up to Portland, NorCal, SoCal, Meco, Mexico.
Dude, I want to go to Mexico, and I want to damn bring some damn illegal aliens in or illegal immigrants or whatever you want to call it.
You know, non-legals.
I don't know what they call them now.
But I want to meet a couple of them.
Fuck.
And even race them.
I'll fucking race them bitches the last hundred yards.
I bet I could beat somebody.
I'd love to see who they got on their team.
You know, it's never too early to play holiday music.
I know that.
I play it in January.
You know that I'm the guy who had, if I'm doing karaoke, I sang rocking around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party hop.
Because that's who I am.
People are pissed at first, but then they know the words.
And it's a short song, and they're not that pissed.
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What else is happening?
I went on a date.
I went on a date.
So that's cool.
You know, I'm trying to be more, I've been more brave, like brave recently about trying to be just trying to take dating a little bit more seriously, a little.
You know, you know, I've spent a lot of time in that space in my life not being serious or not being able to be serious.
So this will be a little bit different.
You know, I went on a date and it was just simple, you know.
But I felt like it was manageable and I just tried to be, just have a decent time, not try to put that pressure on it.
You know, not try to put that boot, you know, that body pressure, that booty pressure, that smooch pressure, none of that.
Just, hey, who are you?
Who am I?
Let's be right here.
Let's tango right here.
Let's, let's play pickleball with these minutes and hours.
Let's spend a little bit of time together.
You know, your serve, my serve, your serve, my serve.
You know, love, love, maybe, or maybe just game match, and that's it, and just go on.
What else?
I'm trying to think of what else has been happening in my life where I, where I, you know, things that I could share or I'm seven months sober, so that's exciting.
I know there's a lot of people out there that struggle.
We get a lot of calls on the hotline and try to return some of them when I can.
But I want you to know if you are trying to do something different in your life that I can relate to you.
That's the thing that you and I probably have in common the most is that you are trying.
I'm always trying to do something different in my life.
Now, that doesn't mean there's something always wrong with me.
But I do always want to have some kind of improvement, you know.
And I want to get myself to a place where I can operate pretty comfortably.
And sometimes, you know, that can take some effort, really.
So, but if that's anything like you, then I bet we really have that in common.
What else?
Trying to think of what else happened.
Oh, well, I don't know if I talked about it.
You know, Caleb Presley faked his own death on me.
And he, well, he almost died.
And so at least, you know, he's willing to put his Muerto where his mouth is, you know.
So that, at least I respected that.
But what happened was he was in the hot, he, something happened to him.
I don't know what happened to him.
He had a, you know, he could have had some bad salad.
I don't know.
Maybe he, you know, he lost too many bets on bar, you know, he, I don't know what happened to him.
But he, I think he, you know, he lost probably a couple hundred bucks on North Carolina.
And next thing you know, he's in the hospital.
He's on a ventilator.
And so I'm on an airplane.
I'm flying on an airplane somewhere.
And I get a damn, I get a message from Will Compton.
If you're not familiar with Will Compton, he is a member of Bussin' with the Boys, and they are a, they're kind of a avant-garde or whatever it's called, I think.
Or one of them is an avant-garde.
Taylor.
There's two of them.
Will and Taylor are the two men that are on it.
And Will, yeah, Will is like a Taylor is like an avant-garde.
He's like a football tackle.
And he also looks like he would be like the, like one of the final bosses at like kind of like a Renaissance fair, but like with a little bit of a Pac-Sun vibe thrown in, right?
And then Will is kind of like, he's like this, he's like a crash chest dummy for CTE, kind of.
He's like, basically, he's that dog, you know?
They're both dogs.
They're both dogs.
But Will told, Will texted me.
I'm on this airplane and he said, did you hear what happened to Caleb?
And when somebody says that, you're like, it's two options.
Either Caleb is unalive or whoever the person is, that person is either unalive or they won the lottery or something, right?
So I'm like, I don't think Caleb even plays the powerball or nothing.
So I'm like, what happened?
You know, he makes you do the what happened.
Like, gee, and I'm on a plane.
So it's like, takes four minutes.
I have to restart my phone, get it back on the thing.
And it said that he passed away.
So I'm sitting in the plane, man.
I start just breaking down, you know.
I'm just, you know, I'm shook.
And I even told the guy next to me, you know, and he could see something was kind of wrong.
And I looked over and I said, my friend just passed away.
And he goes, do you want to go pee?
That's what he said.
And I'm like, what kind of sick dude does this guy think I am?
That If somebody dies, that I got to go hold my dick for some reason.
Or, you know, like he didn't know, there was no condolences or nothing.
You know, and that kind of shook me, man.
Like, my friend passed away, and he's like, oh, do you want to, you want to go pee?
You think cause, like, what, what about looking at me makes you think because my friend is gone that I want to pee, that I want to go hold my wiener in a small room and have water come out of it, you know?
I mean, we're just losing touch with each other, man.
But yeah, for about 20, 25 minutes, I thought he was deceased.
And then I get a text from Will.
And he said, hey, man, we're just joking or whatever.
We just had burritos or something like that.
You know, some just typical, you know, just real sig app.
Just some real sig app shit or whatever, you know.
But anyway, shit, we haven't even gotten it.
I've just been rambling.
Guys, we had some great voicemails that came in.
You know, it's just, I feel, I feel, I want to say I want to do more solo episodes.
I want to be able to keep our connection.
Sometimes it's been, I've been just managing like what's he, what is most capable for me.
And so if you wonder, like, man, Theo doesn't do it this week, it's not that I don't care.
It's just that's what I can like handle for myself.
So I have to make sure I take care of myself.
You know, I've been caught up for years.
I got caught up trying to do everything.
And man, and it really, really burned me out.
It burned my dick open.
So now I'm just managing things a little bit.
I'm managing myself, you know, because I want to be able to be alive.
And I'm excited next year.
We're going to add back in some elements of trying to do some positive things for people.
We're getting things back on track here.
And that's awesome.
That's awesome.
Some great calls came in.
Let me get to them here.
Was there any news?
Let me see.
There is a light.
I like that.
Musk restores Trump's Twitter account after online poll.
You know what's funny about Elon Musk?
People forget his last name is Musk.
Because Musk is just that damn, that's your damn, what is it?
Let me look it up.
M-U-S-K Musk.
Damn.
And it's funny now you put Musk, the definite, if you put Musk, he comes up.
But when I was growing up, Musk, it was just a strong smelling reddish-brown substance, which is secreted by the male musk deer for scent marking.
And is an important degree in perfumery.
So musk is just that body bust, you know?
It's that damn, it's just when your damn pores all kind of fart just in sheer just, this is who I am, baby.
It's that, you know, it's the license and registration of your fucking soul, baby.
You know, it's your, it's your, just your essence just fucking busting a damn air nut into people's nostrils, baby.
That's what musk is.
You got that musk, baby.
Damn.
That musk, boy.
That's why you see a dog get a hit of another dog or another animal's ass, bruh.
They want that, you know.
That's that damn business card, baby.
That's the devil's business card, baby.
Your asshole.
And that's why you see a dog go over there and just try to get another dog's number real quick.
He just, you know, just gets that hit.
You get all the information at once, you know.
It's like Larry, Plumber, 601-446-2000.
You know, it's like, damn, that's it, baby.
That's Mother Nature's QR code, baby, that B-hole.
You get that information.
People hit you with that.
You pull that intel off somebody's backside, off that B-hole.
There is a light shining for me.
One day off of vaping, baby.
I am right now one full day off of vaping, and I'm going to try to keep going.
My God, is it hard?
But yeah, Elon beat out damn deer.
Deer bust.
So it's interesting.
Another case of humans just out just defeating nature in the sense that what we think is important.
You know, Musk used to be the damn scent of the animal.
And now it's some fucking dude that's afraid of the sun.
But I do love seeing him make people at Twitter squirm.
I like anybody, but get the squirm on them.
Twitter has been Twitter.
Nothing, I feel, I mean, the internet, cell phones are killing us.
Twitter, nothing has been worse than Twitter.
It's trash.
It's trash, man.
And it's not open source.
You can't just say what it's like.
You can say, you can say, you can say it, you can't say it.
Just even it out, baby.
Make it a Royal Rumble.
That's all I'm saying.
Make it either these are the rules or these aren't the rules.
But some people shouldn't get the rules and other people not get the rules.
Because then those aren't rules.
Those are damn cages.
What else do we got?
Oh, Buffalo got hit with this blizzard, baby.
I don't know if you've seen this.
And if you're in recovery, baby, there's nothing like seeing a damn blizzard hit a bunch of people.
My God.
There's nothing like seeing that when the skies open up and serve that 30 ball to the world.
Hit that 200 ball.
You got a damn, half of the suburbs just damn hopped up on a 2,000 ball, on a 60, 70 ball.
You got an 80 ball in the damn driveway.
You're out there.
I loved it, man.
Dawson Knox was sending me pictures.
A.J. Klein was sending me pictures.
God, I don't think that the players and the people of Buffalo know just the damn, just, I mean, just that temperature porn.
That's what I was on.
God.
I see a driveway.
I see a shovel.
Woo-hoo.
I'm musking, baby.
I could feel my damn, my chest just go from a damn lowercase A cup to a fucking, to almost a half A. Just, I could feel myself just half A and in my chest.
I think we were all hopped up when Buffalo fared, those snow pitchers.
God, we were all there.
Now, I was in the comfort of my warm home, you know?
But I swear to God, I went and made me some damn hot choga lot in honor of those good folks.
You got to love the Bills.
It's exciting.
And I'll tell you why it's exciting because those fans, that's fanhood.
That's where you out there.
You take your family to the game.
You damn lose a family member.
Everybody in that bitch is, you know, the inside of the stadium looks like home alone on a Tuesday because they got 90 kids and people, adults, McAllisters, everybody's stuck in that bitch.
People just hitting each other in the face with damn shaving cream lotion and running around and putting thumbtacks on the stairs.
People damn home alone and up in that, but that's how the bills go.
What is it, Ralph Waldo, whatever it is, Ralph Emerson Stadium.
You be out there, damn, you get a text from work, you're a boss.
So damn, I'm stuck in Ralph Emerson Stadium.
I've been in that bitch, you know.
I've been in this bitch since we beat the Ravens, since we beat Edgar Allan Poe, you know.
But damn, I was loving that.
That made my, that really made, that was a nice time for the weekend.
Oh, I went to UFC 281.
Sorry, I just feel like I'm just bragging now, kind of.
Yeah, I just feel like I'm bragging.
But dude, that was so much fun.
Man, when I go into the UFC things, man, for me, I really, it's like sleigh bells ring while you're listening.
Children's le, children's slings, children's slings.
I don't know the rest of it, but it's like, I think it's about like a bunch of kids broke their arms or whatever.
You know what song I'm talking about?
God, it's just good.
You know, it just, man, when I'm in there, it's like every fighter that I see is like one of the reindeer.
And like Dana White is like Santa.
And it just, everything about it just like, and then the music starts and then the fighters come out and they're all warriors.
You know, they're all so, it's like you, y'all are doing something so many of us can't, couldn't do.
Yeah, there's just so much about it.
And I was sitting there watching, it was Dave Portnoy and his buddy Big Cat.
And they were, I mean, they was cheering for Molly McCanns, baby.
And she, I mean, this lady had Molly McCanns in a damn crucifix.
I mean, I don't know if you saw the Molly McCanns fight.
And they had her in a damn cruise.
I mean, this, who did she fight?
Molly McCanns.
And she's British.
She's a Skywaza.
And, you know, I like she got that rough and tumble, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
She got that girl in her.
She got, look like her vagina would arm wrestle you a little.
You know, she's got that, her thumb wrestle at least, baby.
She's got that gumption.
She's a warrior.
You know, and she fought.
She fought and she didn't get the win.
And the girl she fought, Archibald, who was the lady she fought?
I think Aaron Archibald.
Aaron Blanche Blanchfield.
And it was just a, I mean, I'd love to see that fight again.
It was, it was amazing.
But I mean, she had mechanics.
She had her in this in the crucifix.
You know, she had her damn, I mean, she had her in the damn Third Testament.
To be honest, she really had her, you know, but Molly did not.
I mean, she was like, gosh, she was like one of those door-to-door salesmen that's just like, I mean, she kept, I mean, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
She just would, I mean, oh, it's powerful.
When you're sitting there watching women do that and you know, you couldn't even do it, dude, I'd have tapped, bro, I'd have tapped.
Man, if I have to sneeze into my hand real hard and there's no Kleenex, bro, I'll tap.
I've tapped out of a hard sneeze, dude.
Just because of the pressure sometimes it puts on my neck, duh.
You know, damn, you get a little bit of light whiplash and I'm out, baby.
I just lost to sinuses.
But that was great to be at the fights.
It was just, I mean, it just was magical.
And people were bummed when Adasanya lost.
But also, you know, it's all like the, you know, it's just the story of how things go.
And then Poirier and Chandler, you know, I like both of these.
They're both, They're both totally different guys, but both just great guys.
I don't think anybody wanted to see them fight each other, except them.
But that was an unbelievable fight.
In the first round, I was like, who's everybody?
Like, I felt like we all, everybody won.
Everybody, it just like was them thing.
Everybody was unconscious.
It was just, I felt like people were unconscious.
I felt like there was a minute where they were both unconscious, but also fighting.
So just, just wow, man.
And then the ring girls, man, were there.
Dang.
Every time they come around the ring, I'm like, all right.
Yes, I do.
I do.
Dearly beloved, that's all I hear.
Every time they go walking by, we are gathered here.
I do.
Yes.
Oh, I would be honored.
That's what I, I just, that's how I feel when they go by.
Yeah, this was some of the stuff from the Buffalo Bills blizzard.
This stuff was great, man.
And this blizzard, I mean, this looks like.
Wow, if you can see this, I mean, it looks like Columbia took a vacation.
Yeah.
So fun.
People just diving into people disappearing.
A lot of people are probably going to, I don't want to say, I'm sure a dateline episode will start from this.
A lot of people getting rid of their wives or whatever.
Or a lot of lesbianism starts also in cold weather.
You know that?
Go talk to a lesbian.
They'll tell you.
That's a cold weather sport, huh?
Let me get you out of that coat, huh?
And let me get you into a little bit of this non-wiener.
That's how it starts right there.
That's a gateway drug for lesbianism.
Chinese man runs a marathon while chain smoking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Chinese people, they do everything while chain smoking.
If you've been to China or not, or if you've been to this where they build everything, you pick up anything now in a store, you smell it.
You can smell a little bit of chain smoking in it.
It doesn't matter what it is.
You get you a little thing of a little thing of shirts or undershorts, Haynes undershorts.
You smell it.
It's like, damn, somebody been smoking in these bitches.
Or you get you a lamp shade.
That bitch already got smoke in it.
Damn.
This thing got half a Winston built into the fabric.
But that's China.
They blowing smoke in everything.
Everything.
Our silverware, everything probably has carcinogens in it.
What else do we have?
Construction worker destroys business after they don't pay him.
Hell yeah.
I like that.
Let's see what happens, dude.
Oh, yeah.
He didn't get paid, baby.
He's taking the work back.
I love it.
I love this.
Dang, he's eating the walls with that little motor hammer, whatever that thing is.
That little T-Rex.
That thing looks like a damn T-Rex, but it's just a machine.
Dang, that thing will fuck, huh?
That thing's beautiful.
But yeah, this guy, you can't see the video.
He's brought a little shoveler.
It's like a little motorized shoveler.
Have like a big shovel and he drives it.
And he's just basically attacking the walls in this building.
I love this, and I'll tell you why.
Because this is where we're at, man.
This is where we're at.
If you got insurance, you're covered.
And somebody gets you down like that, they don't do, you get to do what you got to do, baby.
And this is one thing that I miss about, and honestly, I miss a little about being young, being completely broke, having nothing.
Because when you got nothing, they can't take nothing from you.
That's when you're the freest you could ever be.
Go on, you freest could be.
You got nothing, then they can't take nothing from you.
You could say, do what you ain't got, no, because you know what happens is if you have something, they say something, people sue you.
They come out, they trick you.
They trick everybody.
They'll find a way.
So then you're like, dang, I want to say something, but I like this having this new this sofa.
You know, I want to say something, but I got a damn microwave over there.
I got a damn lava lamp.
I got a damn microwave that work that runs in conjunction with my lava lamp.
I'm making a damn TV dinner and I got a bunch of little, some goop over here doing a damn Dougie in the lamp.
You know?
So, I don't know what I'm talking about, but that's the time, baby.
Fuck, you got nothing.
Get out there because let them, you know what, who's not, they're not going to sue you if you got nothing.
They ain't going to sue you because you ain't nothing.
It's a you the winner.
This is a lawsuit universe now.
It's insurance nation, baby.
A teen solo hiker who was terrorized for days by unknown figures dressed in white.
Two cops who quit their job at a local theater because of unexplained encounters with an alleged demon.
An isolated forest in Canada where people keep turning up headless.
These are just some of the strange, dark, and mysterious stories you'll hear each week on the Mr. Bollin podcast.
In each episode, Mr. Bollin shares real-life haunting accounts, like the case of Haley Zega, who disappeared from a hiking trail for 51 hours.
That's right.
If you like the mystery and intrigue, you want to know what could be going on, Mr. Balan could have it for you.
Hey, Prime members, listen to the Amazon Music Exclusive Podcast, Mr. Bollin Podcast, Strange, Dark, and Mysterious Stories in the Amazon Music app.
Download the app today.
All right, let's get into some voicemails, man.
You guys have been so patient, and I'm sorry, I thought this would be a shorter episode because I just wanted to do happy holidays.
But here we go.
Let's take a call right here.
Hi, Vio.
My name is Megan.
I'm from California, Los Angeles area.
Hey, Megan.
Hey, Megan.
Onward.
I'm a new fan, probably like the last six months, but I've been watching a bunch of your podcasts and different interviews you've been on with Bobby Lee.
I love Bobby Lee, too.
I'm a single mom, and I've been dating a little bit, and I just wanted to let you know that.
Good for you, baby, to get out there.
You know, get out there.
We all have to get out there.
This is our time.
You know, so much of my life, when I look at the past of my life, I was afraid to get out there because I don't look the way I want to look.
I don't, you know, I'm not in my best shape right now.
I'm not.
But then, damn, as life goes on, it all just gets a little tougher.
And you never get to the space, the perfect space.
So the whole time, I'm keeping myself away from joy, away from possibility, because I just, out of fear a lot of times or insecurity, I did that a lot.
I'm not accusing you of that.
It just, man, when I look at pictures of myself even a few years ago, I say, damn, man, I wish you'd have had more confidence then.
You know, I wish you'd have went and did the, you know.
But that's okay because I can try now.
But I'm glad you're getting out there, man.
Let's hear more.
I was doing okay dating before.
Like, I think I'm attractive.
I'm not gross.
But once I told guys, like, oh, yeah, I like Theo Vaughn, I've been getting so much more dick before than before.
Guys just love it.
I mean, what?
Hey.
We giving back to these single moms, boys.
Look, I'm glad it sounded like you've been getting safely poked out there.
You know, hopefully you don't look like MGK's VMA's outfit.
But that's good for you.
I'm glad you're getting some decent wiener out there on behalf of the community, baby.
And that's what we do out there.
We serve semi-decent to decent wiener.
You know, if you want something outside of that, you're going to have to go elsewhere.
But that's what we serve.
Praise God, baby.
I'm happy you're doing well.
And you stay busy out there.
And get that wand, mama.
Get you a little bit of that Thanksgiving wand, huh?
Get a little bit of a little bit of root meat with your turkey, huh?
What else we got?
A couple other calls have came in.
Here we got one right here.
What's up, Theo?
So I just had a question.
Oh, right.
I just found out a couple months ago that my dad isn't my actual dad.
And my mom has just been straight up lying for 18 years to my face.
And I found it out because I was getting documents for college.
And it was just medical shit.
And I checked the name.
And on my dad's name, it was different.
And so I got on my mom and I'm like, yo, why is it different?
She goes, oh, it must be like a typo.
Or like, they messed it up or some shit.
And I was like, oh, all right, then.
And then, so my friend calls me like a week later and he goes, yeah, bro, your mom got drunk and told my mom that you're not your dad's son.
And I was like, yo, what the fuck?
And so like, I go on a trip.
Whoa, so, dude, I feel like the clues are adding up kind of a little.
I'm sorry to hear this.
That you're not the dad's son.
You are not the son.
You are not the son.
The dad's like, but bro, are you at the beach or something?
Because you're like, bro, my dad, you know, he didn't know.
And I told my mom, she's like, what?
And then I feel like I'm talking to Chad and JT.
This could be a Chad and JT prank.
But I'm a ride.
I'm a ride.
Let's hear more.
And I'm sorry.
Well, I can't tell how this is affecting you yet.
It's like my cousins and shit.
And I open up to them.
I'm like, yo, I don't think my dad is my real dad.
And they go, yeah, we know that.
We've been knew that.
And like everyone in my whole life knew.
Bro, are you sure you didn't?
Are you sure?
It sounds like you should have known.
I hate to say that, but it sounds like everybody's like, hey, this isn't my real dad.
And people were like, no, shit.
Carl or whatever, you know, or Richard.
Let me hear the beginning name.
Sorry.
What's up, Theo?
So I just had a question.
Oh, you didn't have a name?
Yeah.
What?
Oh, no.
I mean, was there moments where you were like, where you got like a Christmas present from him and it was like to my son, love dad, question mark?
Like, did anything like that ever happen?
Or were you ever in the house and you were like, dad?
And he was like, not it.
Like, did you hear any memories?
Because it just sound, you're like, mom, it's not our real dad.
And she's like, I don't know, Bob, might be a type.
I mean, are you guys eating weed or something?
Let's hear more.
And like, everyone in my whole life knew.
Everyone knew.
And no one told me.
My mom had been strapped lying to me.
And I just didn't talk to her for days.
And I just, like.
For days, bro.
This whole thing, I think this is Chad and JT.
And if it is, dude, it's pretty good.
Man, we didn't, you know, my mom was like, this isn't your dad, man.
And I was like, if it's not, brother, if this is not a prank, then I am sorry.
I'm sorry.
But also, you got a new adventure, baby.
You out there.
You know, you're that fucking Sherlock homie, bro.
You out there.
You could go fucking get you a new dad.
Find that new, you know, that new.
And this dad could be a, you know, you got a chance to really, it's almost like I'll trade what's here, but, you know, it's like, let's make a deal.
All right, Ron or whatever.
I'll give you, you know, I'll give you, you know, Alan or whatever the dad's name is, and I'll take a chance for what's behind door number seven or whatever.
So good luck out there, bro.
A lot of us, you know, you get the dad you get and you don't get that second opportunity.
So this could be God really doing something powerful for you.
And I think you got to pay attention too, bro.
It sounds like people have been trying to tell you.
It was on your birth certificate.
Your cousins all knew.
People were shocked when you didn't know.
I think you got to drop in, dude, and look at just some baby pictures and stuff and see who the man is that's next to your mom.
And I think it's going to blow your mind, dude.
Praise, brother.
Let's hear another call that came in here.
Here we go.
Hey, T.O., my name is Noah.
I'm just basically calling to let you know that a lot of what you say is pretty much exactly how I feel, man.
When you talk about being addicted to your emotions, I completely understand that.
I feel the exact same way.
I'm in recovery also, and I'm 57 days sober today.
My man.
Congratulations, bro.
57 days?
How wild is that?
You know how few people in the world have ever done anything for 57 days?
Especially giving up something we liked.
Dude, it's hard.
I'm one day off vaping right now, bro.
And I want to fucking smoke a bowl out of my own nuts, bro, of pure nicotine.
So it's really magical, man, to see you having these 57 days, man.
Onward.
This shit just gets overwhelming sometimes, man.
I thought getting sober would solve most of my problems, but I guess life's a little bit more complicated than that.
I've always carried around this anger with me that I can't really put my finger on, you know?
Just the littlest things will set me off, like dropping something or bumping into something, I'll be screaming in my head for hours.
Oh, man, I can really relate to that.
If there's an inanimate object, I can tell how I'm doing right in the morning.
I bump into something on the way out of my room, and I used to be, I'd be so angry.
Fog is motherfucking.
I'll burn you.
I will burn you.
I will put you in a fireplace.
You know, I would just yell that at pieces of furniture.
But now, you know what I noticed the other day?
I'm able, sometimes I'll go, I'm able to laugh because I don't see that the fact that I bumped into something, I don't see it as any reflection of who I am or any reflection that the world is trying to get me or the world is angry at me.
And I only say that just to say that it can, those feelings of anger you still have, it can adjust.
Let's hear more.
I like to say that if someone else spoke to me the way that I speak to myself, I'd have to kill that son of a bitch because I couldn't tolerate that.
I don't know why we're just so mean to ourselves, man.
I don't know why I get so addicted to things.
I'm even addicted to damn nasal spray.
That's about the hardest thing I've had to kick to be honest with you.
Man, I appreciate your honesty here.
Yeah, look, I had a non-addictive nasal spray that I had for a while that sometimes I'd pull up.
If I was going to a bar or something, I'd do a hit in each nose before I'd go in.
It didn't even do anything to me.
It gave me a little bit of a flashback of probably doing a drug or something, you know, and just kind of heightened my senses in a weird way.
But yeah, man, I'm sorry that you are so mean to yourself.
You know, and I don't mean that as a reflection of who you are because I know, like me, you don't want to be.
You know, you don't want to be.
But if you're like us, you have some of this that we have, this ism, this alcoholism, this uncomfort.
It's really an uncomfort that just lives in us.
Yeah, you're probably going to be real hard on yourself.
You know, I think I was always extremely hard on people.
That's the number one note people have given me.
And you're so hard on yourself.
And I think I used to think that if I wasn't hard on myself, then nobody was, let me think about this.
If I wasn't hard on myself, then nobody would be.
Because when I was young, nobody was anything on me, you know?
And so I thought maybe if I was hard on myself, or maybe if I was perfect, you know, I used to think, I realized this the other day.
I used to think that, well, I expected myself to be perfect.
So then I would never was because it's impossible.
So then, therefore, I'm so hard on myself, you know, because I thought that I wasn't cared for as a child, and I'm not trying to self-pity.
I'm just looking at what was a part of my life, that I wasn't cared for as a child.
So therefore, I took it on myself.
Oh, if I was better, if I was perfect, then I would be loved.
You know, I'm not perfect enough.
I'm not good enough.
You know, I'm not good enough for my mother to see me.
I'm not good enough for my father to stay alive.
I had this epiphany not long ago that I thought that if I was better, if I was perfect, if I did everything right as a kid, I thought this.
I didn't know until just recently that I thought it, but it came up that if I did everything right, that my father would stay alive.
That's what I thought for some reason as a kid.
You know, nobody explained to me what was going on or how things worked or that dad was getting, you know, I just knew my dad was older and that he was not going to be alive for a long time.
And as a child, I thought maybe if I'm perfect, if I'm perfect, you know, that my life would be different, you know, and more specifically, that my dad would stay alive.
I thought that.
I don't know how I came up with that or what made me think that as a kid.
But at least then it gave me some control over what was going to happen.
Because now it's some of it's something it's up to me, you know?
Even though it's not realistic, it's impossible for that to come to fruition, but it's up to me then.
So that's why I think I was so hard on myself a lot of times, I think, because then at least it puts it on me, which was the only thing that I felt I could try and rely on anyway, because I didn't feel comfortable in the world.
And that's not some down.
I'm not trying to down or anybody.
But I thought about that.
Let's hear more, brother.
Thanks for the call.
Yeah, there's enough bitches for me, man.
I just wanted to tell you thanks and you wanted to learn, man.
You know, there's a ton of days where your podcast was the only time I smiled that day.
So keep doing the Lord's work, man.
Take care of yourself.
Gang.
Thanks, bro.
You too, man.
You know, I'm proud of you, dude.
It's hard.
You know?
I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of you because I know how hard it is to take care of ourselves.
You know, I know how hard it is to take care of ourselves.
I know that for me, I never wanted to take care of myself because if I took care of myself, then I was doing somebody else's job.
Instead, I wanted to show, I just always wanted to show you how much I was hurting, you know?
And so starting to take care of myself is doing the opposite of that.
And it was the opposite of the whole thing that I'd like, oh, you're going to see when you look at me, you're going to see how much I hurt, you know?
And starting to take care of myself is a total opposite of that.
So I hear that in you today.
And I'm thankful for that, man.
I really am.
And I'm grateful that I have moments like this.
These are moments that mean something to me.
You know, two guys being trying to be honest and not even being gay and just being honest.
Because these are moments I never had as a child.
I never had, there was never any peace in my house.
There was never a chance for anybody even to listen or to be heard.
There was never even any peace of space to think or to feel.
There was no space for that.
And so it's moments like this, you know, where I can have an honest conversation with somebody.
I'd have given anything, you know, to have these as a child.
And children need these sort of things.
So anyway, bro, yeah, enough of that shit for me too, bro.
But praise, man.
I'm happy for you.
And happy Thanksgiving, man.
You made my day.
You really did, brother.
Praise God.
Let's hear what else we got, man.
And don't give up, dog.
Stay in there.
57, man.
Stay in there, baby.
Let me see.
Here we go.
Hey, Deo.
What's up, man?
This is Robert calling out of Fort Worth.
What's up, Robert?
Out of Fort Worth, baby.
I love Texas.
It's a good place.
That's great, man.
Fort Worth.
I've been down there.
I used to go down there to Randy Butler's comedy room.
One of my favorite comedy rooms they used to have down there.
Can't remember the name of it offhand.
But, God, he had probably the best.
I mean, he might have had the best comedy room in the country when they used to have it.
It was underground over there in Fort Worth.
And you could get you a little comedy down there and get you a little liquor and even get you a little leg or a little titty sometime afterwards out there.
Meet you somebody.
Praise God, Brother Onward.
Big fan.
Anyways, well, I have a question, man.
And I know you have a lot of comedy stuff, a lot of funny stuff, which I watch for, but I have like a serious question.
Okay, so here it is.
So me and my fiancé, we've been together for about six months, seven months.
And, well, she has some court dates coming up, and she's facing some time.
She's facing about eight years.
Now, I don't know if I should, I mean, I really don't know what I should do.
Should I break it off before she goes?
Or should I wait for her for eight years?
Or what should I do, man?
I mean, I really, really love her.
She's a really good woman.
And we have a lot of good times together, man.
But, you know, I'm a man, and not only because I have you, because it's not even about that.
It's just about the, you know, I mean, that's a long time to wait.
I mean, she might not do a full age, but she'll probably do, I don't know, maybe two, three, four, five years.
Bang, baby.
Gang, baby.
Crime, you know.
And this is a crime call.
You know, and this is where hopefully she got with Morgan and Morgan over there.
They do good attorney work.
I don't know who she got, getting her the years or getting out of them or whatever, but I'll say this, man.
First of all, how the times have changed.
This is a call you would hear during World War, World War I, World War II, World War III.
When people, when wives, their husband going off to military or they're in a POW camp, what do I do?
They call in, you know, on the ring phone in the, you know, what do I do?
Do I wait for Andy?
Do I wait for Ricardo?
I mean, look, it depends on what type of life you want to lead.
There's something beautiful about waiting for someone.
There's something romantic about it.
There's something really perfect about, because you get to keep them in this space in your head where they're perfect.
They can't really do any wrong because they don't have to.
It's almost sometimes waiting for somebody can be a sense of control.
I'm going to wait for you.
But really what I'm doing, not all the time, but really what I'm doing is I'm going to say I'm going to keep this in a perfect place where it's manageable because I don't really have to interact with it.
It's almost like something I can just keep on the shelf right here.
I can communicate with it when I need to.
I can get what I need from it.
In some ways, I have somebody to care about, but I don't physically have to have them there.
I'm not saying you're doing that.
I'm saying I've done that in my life in relationships.
But damn, dude.
But then also, you're going to have to do them conjugal visits or whatever.
Or you're going to have to sneak over there at night and just Andy Dufraying your wiener through that chain link fence and let your girl at Molly or whatever her name is over there not, you know, knob you off over there before the spotlight hits you.
Because I can't ejaculate under a sheer spotlight.
Anything over probably 120 watts, buddy, I can't come, you know?
And that's who I am.
But if there's a strong, if a, you know, if I'm getting the HJ and a boat pulls up or something, you know, or if damn two, even two coal miners walk up while I'm getting a handy, bro, I can't eat jack around more than probably about 120 watts of straight light.
So, but that's me, you know, that's me.
And I think it's brave.
Now then, how far do you want to go?
Do you want to make her stuff and mail her things?
Do you want to have an apron also?
Because I'm sure there's a whole club of men, men who love prison women.
Let me look it up.
Men who love prison women.
Couldn't.
Oh.
Let me see.
Husbands of imprisoned women.
They kill their husbands now in prison.
That's not you, man, because you're calling in.
I don't know.
I'm sure you could get some information about this.
But look, I think it's admirable of you.
You know, men used to go off to war and the women would wait for them.
You know?
And I think if your baby bird's over there in prison, you know, and you can keep your seed in the feeder, then yeah, you could wait till she gets out, you know?
And then also you may be able to set up a situation with her where you say, look, I'm going to date.
I love you.
And this is, I'm going to date you while you're there.
So then at least you also can be honest with her in case you want to date outside of there or you give yourself the opportunity to still fall in love, you know?
Because then you don't want to have a thing, I don't think, where you're cheating and having to lie about it.
That's when you're skating on dirty ice, baby.
But praise, brother.
I hope you, you know, I think it's really kind of you to even think about that.
And I think it shows some awareness for who you are as a person.
And I think as long as you're honest with her about what you're thinking, bro, that's really going to be nice, you know?
And so bless you, man, and good luck over there.
Let me see.
Let's see here.
What else we got?
Hey, today, Theo, it's Andrew here from Brisbane.
How you going?
Hey, Andrew from Brisbane.
How you going, mister?
I've always wanted to call in with something funny, you know, like the rest of them or something interesting.
But I was listening to your podcast and you're saying you don't have to call in with something interesting.
You can just call up with, you know, what you do for a living.
So I'm a milkman.
I deliver milk around Brisbane.
Start work at around 2 o'clock in the morning.
Thank you for calling, Andrew.
Any milkman that's working at 2 a.m., bruh, you know what I'm saying?
We both know what you're doing, baby.
You know?
You out there slinging that body milk, son.
That fucking blue percent.
You know what I'm talking about, dude?
You out there bawling out in people's gardens.
Let's hear more.
And I finished around 11 o'clock, so I've got the whole day to be at home.
And, you know, I love it.
And also, I guess that's probably why they blame the milkman, because, you know, I'm at home all afternoon while the rest of the blokes are at work, working hard.
So big ups, big love, Theo.
Love your show.
Praise, brother.
Thank you for calling Australia.
I didn't even know you.
I mean, I guess, yeah.
I never even thought about y'all having milk over there.
But I guess it makes sense y'all would have milk.
But damn, if let me tell you, bro, if you rolling up at somebody's house with a couple jugs, baby, at 2 a.m., dude, that's you a pervert, bro.
You a pervert, man.
And I, you know, I think this is God talking through me right now.
I mean, damn, like, fuck, I don't know, man.
Maybe I'm being too mean to you, but I just, maybe, I don't know, maybe there's something nice about it.
You out there just damn fucking leaving people a little bit of yogurt, bro.
You out there girting on people, girting in the, you know, just right, you know, leave a little canister of girt by the door.
You out there girting for mom, girting for dad or whatever.
I mean, damn, I don't know.
I remember the first time I ever even had a little bit of yogurt, bro.
I thought, damn, somebody's gay, bruh.
You know, not me, but whoever's making it or whatever.
Somewhere along the chain of command, somebody's gayed out or something on this.
Because how else they even doing this?
Putting all the, you know, it was strawberry.
But good luck over there, bro.
Stay alive.
God bless you, Australia.
I cannot wait to come there.
I'm looking to make a trip next, I believe, Thanksgiving before Christmas to have like a time over there in OS to do a few weeks and do some shows.
Maybe sooner, but I want to come, I think, in the summer, I guess.
I don't know.
What's the best time to come?
Let me know.
As well, we're looking to hire somebody who works in videography, clips, making good social clips and that sort of thing.
You can send a DM to the this past weekend producer Instagram account.
That's the way to do that.
Let's get one more call here.
What do we have?
What's good, bro?
Marco over here in Las Vegas.
Hey, I'm not a new podcast fan.
I've seen your specials and all, but I didn't know you had a podcast.
Well, I'm sure you did, but I just never looked it up.
And, you know, I've been binge watching.
You know, it's October all the way back in February.
And I was listening to the one where you're talking about your feelings and your mom.
And, you know, I just want to ask how you're doing with that.
Like, how are you feeling?
How's life been treating you?
How's your relationship?
You know, how's I know that ayahuasca helps you out, how to see some things, feel some things.
But, you know, I just want to see how you're feeling, man.
I really appreciate the podcast.
I appreciate everything you do, the way you talk to us, even though you're not really talking to us, but I feel like you're talking to us, you know.
Praise God.
Gang, gang.
Gang, baby, thank you.
Thank you for the question, man.
This kind of stuff.
Yeah.
You know, I love thinking about this type of thing.
And, yeah, the ayahuasca was very helpful.
It was tough going through all that.
I mean, it's a grueling thing.
It's just until you've gone through it and really done it is, I mean, it's a lot on your body.
It's basically, it's a damn, I mean, you're out there and, you know, it's like buds for your emotions.
You know, you're doing a lot.
Yeah, I'm still kind of getting a little bit more clarity on some of it, but it's amazing how over time it gets clearer and how over time it still helps me.
I'm so grateful for that experience.
You know, yeah, I didn't get what I needed as a kid.
I didn't get it.
I didn't get it.
And, you know, I realized I've had a tough time growing up in my life.
I'm a late bloomer.
And that's okay.
I had a really tough time growing up in my life.
You know, and when I was young, when I was a kid, you know, my dad wasn't around my, and my dad was very old.
And my mother worked and my mother had sort of an emotional condition where she couldn't, she didn't look at me a lot and she didn't, she didn't come to me if I was hurt, if I was like physically hurt, then she would react.
But if I was just like had some emotional pain or she, my mother wouldn't come to me.
She had a tough time putting her hands on me.
So that was just how things were, right?
That's okay.
It's not okay, but that was life.
But I realized as an adult that I never wanted to grow up.
I never wanted to grow up.
I was a late bloomer and I didn't want to grow up.
And I realized why.
Because I still wanted to be that kid.
Because if I grow up, I still wanted to be that kid.
I still wanted my mother to come around.
I still was waiting on these things that I didn't get as a child.
And I was waiting in every sense I could.
I was trying to stay as young as I could.
Because once I evolve, once I become an adult, that kid doesn't even exist anymore.
And he doesn't exist anyway.
But there's something inside of me.
It's like, if I can just, if I can just not grow up, then I'll be able to still be this kid.
And whenever the things come in that I needed, I'll be here to get them.
But that was never going to happen.
And at a certain point, me just staying a child forever was just robbing me of becoming an adult.
And man, it's really hard to let go.
It's really hard to let go and grow up.
Because I'm the last, because once I do that, there's no, that kid isn't even, you know, he's not even there anymore.
I mean, he's still there deep inside of me, but he's not like there waiting.
You know, and I'm not saying this, I don't need any self-pity.
I'm okay with this.
I have some feelings around it, you know, it's a little bit emotional for me to think about.
Um, yeah, I don't know.
There's there's more in it, and I'll think about some more of it and talk about it more in the future.
Um, but but yeah, if I didn't have that ayahuasca, I would never have gotten that understanding.
I would have never gotten the understanding that I'm still waiting.
There's so much of me that's still just a child waiting for what he was supposed to get as a kid.
Um, because I couldn't figure it out.
I couldn't get any, I couldn't get a look at myself.
I couldn't get a step back from me to see me enough to say, okay, here's what's going on.
And the ayahuasca really helped me.
Man, it gives you, you can look at through yourself through a microscope or you could look through binoculars and you can do it all at the same time.
And so that was a real gift.
And yeah.
Okay, what's up?
Let me get something more for you guys, man.
This has been a lot about me, and I'm sorry about that.
Oh, we got a miracle.
This fella had called, you know, he'd lost his, he'd jump on a bomb in the war.
And we were talking about having him on as one of our miracle guests.
And let's hear a little more.
He called back.
The racking, big dog.
Hey, man.
Babe, El Rey de Raton.
Just listened to this most recent solo episode, Doc, and he mentioned me.
I sincerely appreciate you, brother.
Sincerely, G. Iwamente, brother.
Thank you.
Thanks for everything, man.
And yeah, man, I did serve in the Marine Corps from 2007 to 2013, Doc.
Obviously, I had to get out because of my leg situation.
Sorry to laugh.
You made me laugh, bro.
Onward.
But yeah, man.
I don't know.
I'd take a one-legged Marine, bro, a lot of times over fucking some of these cats.
That's in somebody's joints, bro.
I'd take a damn, dude.
I would take a fucking two-armed Marine if he's walking on his arms, bro.
And he could shoot a gun with his dick.
That dude could run it, bro.
Game.
Much love and respect.
You can call me at 209.
Okay, great.
And I'll stop it right there.
You thought we were going to leave your number out there.
That would have been bad.
Man, you know, I think this is a great place to pull the episode over to the side because, you know, just to hear the joy, the ability in your voice to have some joy, man, when you've had such an experience, you know, such an experience, man, of sacrifice and of, I'm sure, of adjustment and of ways to find gratitude now, which are all things that I think we will talk about.
We'll reach out and we'll get it done.
We'll get you on there in the coming, when we get another solo episode, we'll put you on it, man.
So we'll figure that out.
If you know a miracle or somebody, or you are a miracle or somebody, 985-664-9503.
If there's something going on you're struggling with, hit the hotline as well.
Look, sometimes it might take a year to hear back from us.
Sometimes you might never hear back.
We do what we can.
We're going to try to work on it more in the new year about just having maybe somebody on board that that is their job to help moderate because, you know, we're still figuring it all out.
And look, I'm a late bloomer, baby, when it comes to everything.
Even with business, I didn't want anybody to help me for years.
I couldn't let anybody help me.
And now I know I need help.
You know, I need help on the outside.
I need help on the inside.
And that's okay, man.
But thank you.
Thank you, Maureen.
I don't know if that's a sergeant.
No, Maureen, a corporal.
Thank you, Maureen, for your sacrifice and for your attitude, even just in that call, man.
I can hear you excited.
You know, that's cool.
And that's the power of each other because I hear you say that, man, and it makes me feel, man, here's a man who has probably who was a really capable man.
I mean, Marines are physically capable men, you know, who lost something, who lost a day, you know, who lost something and can't do as much physical anymore.
And he's finding ways, man.
You know, he's finding ways to have pride and to keep his life going on powerfully.
Just gives us all a lot to be thankful for and thankful for you and anybody who serves.
And if you just serve your family as a father, if you serve your nieces and nephews as an uncle or an aunt, if you serve your spouse because they're going through a tough time and you get home a few minutes early and instead of jumping on the couch, you make them a cookie or you write them a little note.
If you serve your higher power where you hit your knees and you say, hey, I need some help.
Or sometimes I'll just, I like to, sometimes now just, I like praying for other people that's important in my life.
Because I'm not, it's not really a religious thing.
It's just me thinking about them and not thinking about me.
We got a lot to be thankful for, baby.
Praise God.
And I love you guys.
Thank you so much for being a part of my life.
I feel so grateful to be able to be here today and to be able to just try and speak honestly.
We live in a world where and in a society, especially in America, where there's a lot of caps on if you can communicate honestly or not or even question things.
And we'll try our best to do what we can.
And that's okay.
But you guys be good to yourselves, man, you deserve it.
I know you do.
I know you do.
And what else?
Dang, I don't know.
I thought we should have gotten into more funny stuff, but we tried our best, and that's okay.
Let's go out the way that we rolled into this bad cat, baby.
You know who it is right here.
I got him for you.
Gang.
I know you've heard it before.
A lady sent me a video of her kids singing this yesterday, man.
It was cool.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my own.
And my mind is somewhere else.
But when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been.
It's been home.
Travis McCready.
Now I'm just living on the breeze.
Happy Thanksgiving, guys.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Make it count.
Hug somebody.
Hold that hug.
Hold the line with it.
Feel it in my bones.
But it's going to be a little time for me to set that pocket break.
I left myself on my...
Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my story I will find the song.
I will sing it just for you.
That's it, baby.
You guys be good to yourself.
Happy Thanksgiving.
We'll be back next week with Neil deGrazzi Tyson.
And he's the space baby, you know?
He's that tall space baby dang.
He's that damn who looked at a ladder and said, nah, fuck it.
I want more.
So intrigued to have him back and intrigued to have you back.
Hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
And that's it.
gang.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John.
I'll take a quarter pottle of cheese out of the glory.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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