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April 12, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:39:31

E388 Kyle Dunnigan

Kyle Dunnigan is a comedian, impressionist and host of “The Kyle Dunnigan Show” on YouTube. Kyle returns to the show to discuss aliens, circus stories, and the perils of being a theater kid in high school. Kyle teaches Theo some of his favorite impressions. Find Kyle: https://www.instagram.com/kyledunnigan1/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Keeps: Go to https://keeps.com/theo to get your first month of treatment free Mint Mobile: Go to https://mintmobile.com/theo and cut your wireless bill to $15 BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at https://BetterHelp.com/THEO Babbel: Save up to 60% off your subscription at https://Babbel.com/THEO ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Producer: Jake https://www.instagram.com/jakerohret/?hl=en Editor: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/?hl=en See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	More than 50 million men in the U.S. suffer from male pattern baldness.
	And hell, I don't know if that's good or bad.
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	If you're ready to take action, go to KEEPS.com slash T-H-E-O to receive your first month of treatment for free.
	That's keeps.com slash Theo to get your first month free.
	Keeps.com slash Theo.
	I want to thank everybody for being a part of my life, and I want to let you know that I have some new tour dates.
	I am going to be Los Angeles, May 7th.
	We added a show there at the Will Turn.
	Albuquerque, May 18th.
	Midland, Texas, May 19th.
	Lubbock, May 20. Dallas, Texas, May 21. That one's almost sold out.
	Savannah, June 2nd.
	Augusta, Georgia, Montgomery, Alabama.
	Columbus, Georgia, June 3rd, 4th, and 5th.
	I appreciate all you guys' love and support.
	Tickets are on sale now at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
	That's theovon.com slash tour.
	And yeah, I'm just grateful for you guys.
	Thank you so much.
	Today's guest is returning for the second time.
	And he's really, he's a one-of-a-kind impersonator and comedian and creator.
	And he is a real unique man.
	I would say that.
	If they had 100 men somewhere, he'd be the only one like him.
	We're happy to have him back.
	And he has his own show on YouTube called the Kyle Dunne Show.
	Ladies and gentlemen, today's guest, Mr. Kyle Dunnigan.
	For me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.
	Shine that light on me.
	I'll sit and tell you my stories.
	Shine on me.
	And I will find a song I've been singing.
	Yeah, just go.
	And now I've been moving way too.
	Dude, remember my fight idea we haven't done yet?
	What was it?
	Were we gonna fight?
	No.
	Who would win?
	I'm fast.
	I would win.
	You're stronger, but I'm faster for sure.
	I'm also, I can get down low and come up huge.
	Like, I get low and like, what do you mean?
	Like one of those, like, like a like one of those lizards that, like, does that big trick?
	Yeah.
	I have a very long torso and I can just suddenly, you'll be like, how do you get way down there?
	And then I'll pop up huge.
	I would win.
	You'd be surprised.
	I...
	You ever get punched?
	There's two parts of me that wants, you know, one that wants to figure it out a little.
	When we hugged a little while ago, I felt like I would win in a fight.
	Really?
	What did you just feel soft muscles on my back or something?
	I mean, I don't know if soft muscles is a real thing, bro.
	Is that?
	Yeah, like a wagoo beef.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I felt that wagu bee.
	Yeah, I definitely felt a sort of definitely something that had been caged, you know?
	Yes, yes.
	Well, you're wrong.
	Okay.
	I'm very dense, actually.
	Really?
	Yeah, just genetically, a dense muscle structure.
	Have you had your marrow tested or not?
	Yeah.
	Dense marrow.
	Have you had your marrow tested?
	Yeah, man.
	Oh, that's miserable, huh?
	Why'd you have it tested?
	I think I was having some chronic type of thing, and so they tested it.
	But that kind of stuff's miserable.
	Yeah, I have this thing called I'm a liar.
	I never had it tested.
	Do you ever get punched in the face?
	Yeah.
	Can you take a punch, or do you sort of get your bell rung?
	You're lost?
	It hurts, but it also depends on how I am.
	If I'm ready for it, I think I can kind of do okay.
	I have no idea.
	Like, I might have an iron chin or just paper.
	I have no idea.
	And there's only one way to find out, you know?
	You never know until you get punched.
	What's that?
	I'm sorry, yes.
	Should I get earpun?
	Our idea was we were going to match up celebs, be celebs, and do our own pay-per-view kind of thing.
	Well, you saw that Aaron Carter's fought Lamar Odom.
	I didn't see that.
	Did that already happen or it's going to happen?
	It already happened.
	Let's bring up a clip of that if we can.
	Let's go to the clips.
	But there's this big money in this.
	And then me and you, we commentate on it, whatever.
	We bring our expertise to the table.
	I like it.
	Who would be a good match?
	That's what we're talking about.
	Comedians, like, you know, they have little fights, kind of like rappers or whatever.
	You just go, you sort of preamble with the fight, and then you sort of announce they're going to actually physically fight.
	Yeah.
	And you can just keep it on mute.
	Let's see if we're good at being commentators as we do this.
	There comes Lamar Odom into the ring.
	Now he's...
	Look at him.
	He's kind of bouncing.
	Oh, there's a height difference.
	It's intense.
	This reach is just not fair.
	Well, you see, Carter there is nipple high on that brother.
	He actually is fighting a man who's in the hospital.
	Didn't he have a concussion?
	He went into some kind of coma, right?
	Both these guys have overdosed.
	Jesus.
	Come on.
	This is not fair.
	And there's...
	That's like when you hug me, he feels this soft man.
	So obviously they must have showed the highlight there.
	Are there no highlights from that bout?
	That seems like an awful fight, if that was the highlight, really.
	Lamar got the nod there.
	Who would be a good match?
	I think maybe, what about Machine Gun Kelly versus Kelly Slater?
	Oh, that'd be cool to just match names like that.
	Or versus Megan Kelly.
	Oh, yeah.
	And I think Megan Kelly might win.
	They both have the same body style.
	I did her show last week, which I never thought I would do her show.
	But when someone just asked me, I always just say yes.
	That's my policy.
	Oh, wow.
	And then she did this thing very nice, but when people try to improvise, you know, it's not easy.
	She doesn't like it or what happened?
	No, they just did this thing, which is, of course, this is what she would do, but she'd be like, what does Jeff Goldblum think of the war in Ukraine?
	So you have to sit there and on the fly write a Jeff Goldblum monologue about the Ukraine that's funny.
	I mean, it's like an impossible...
	They call it yes anding when you're in process.
	Oh, yeah.
	You'll be like, hey, I saw you at the Burger place.
	You had that giant cat with you.
	Yeah.
	I've given you something.
	Yes.
	And the cat has malaria.
	Yeah, you've added yes and, yeah, yeah.
	But you don't ask an open-ended question.
	How do I know this?
	The groundlings.
	Yeah.
	I went to two classes.
	This place sucks.
	I went to two classes there, and the teacher was a Native American woman, I remember.
	Karen?
	Yeah.
	I had Karen.
	Yamamu.
	I think I was asking her.
	Pretty cool, man.
	They're nice, but that place.
	Because who's more from the earth or actual groundlings than Native Americans?
	And the name Groundlings, you think that's all tied together?
	I wouldn't be shocked.
	I mean, I wasn't shocked when I got there and it's like, this is the Groundlings and your teacher's Native Americans.
	For me, it made perfect sense.
	I thought.
	But it was my first experience.
	I feel like right when you get into Hollywood, everybody goes to the Groundlings.
	Yeah, it seems like that's your way onto SNL or something.
	But then you get there and then they don't even pay.
	These shows are sold out every night.
	They're sold out.
	They don't even give you gas money.
	Give me $5 to see this sold-out theater.
	That's really, I don't know why they don't revolt there.
	It gets hella Judaic at a certain point.
	It really gets a little like, yeah, they just take, yeah, there's not a lot of taking, no giving.
	Give a little bit of gas money, I think.
	I was going to open a place next door called, like, I wanted to become a multi-billionaire and just open the Skylings next door and pay everybody like $100,000 a week and just take all their talent.
	Yeah.
	Like, what now?
	Dude, and if the Skylings, if people airlifted into it, if people came, there was no parking, you just landed on the roof, you had to get it.
	Yeah, everyone gets a helicopter to come in.
	Well, I'm a billionaire.
	Dude, what happened to COVID, bro?
	Well, it's in China now.
	Last I heard it.
	What?
	It's in China now.
	But how can a disease that is everybody has it or can get it just be only at certain spots?
	That's what I don't understand.
	Like, was malaria like picky-choosy like that?
	I honestly have, I'm the worst person.
	I have no information.
	I don't understand any of it.
	I don't know.
	I know this variants peeled off or something.
	I had it once.
	I don't know which one I had.
	I think I had the Delta thing or something.
	Wasn't that bad for me?
	Yeah.
	It's just weird how it disappeared.
	Yeah.
	And it's funny because in the 19th, what is it, 19?
	I'm doing Trump hands.
	In like 1919 or whatever when they had the other one.
	Terrific.
	They had that one took like two years.
	It doesn't matter like how much you have in terms of technology or what we've gained, knowledge.
	It still needs two years to get out of here.
	It seems.
	Yeah, it had a great PR run.
	It had a great publicist, the whole thing.
	It felt kind of master, but it does feel, I mean, it feels like now that it's completely disappointed, it feels way more like a lot more of a facade than it really was.
	If it could just disappear, right?
	Well, I'm, again, don't listen to me, but I think what happens is, you know, it mutates and it gets weaker as it seems to get weaker as it mutates.
	And so that's what happened.
	Yeah.
	I know a guy, he was in my house and he died early on.
	And I, it was like right away, this is here.
	And a guy I knew was dead.
	And so I, I immediately was terrified of it.
	Oh, wow.
	You know, he was 50 years old.
	He was an old guy.
	And was he thick?
	Was he smoking?
	Was he doing dope?
	No, he was a pretty straight, narrow guy.
	Did he work near like a smokestack or anything?
	Like, was there anything?
	He lived far away from smokestacks.
	He didn't seem sickly.
	Oh.
	He was in that band, you know, Stacey's mom, that guy, Adam Schlesinger.
	Yeah.
	And he was in my house like a couple of months before that.
	And he was just dead all of a sudden.
	So I was wiping down my tuna can of tuna.
	Whenever I got to the grocery store, I just wiped it down.
	I was really paranoid in the beginning.
	You never gave, you never feared it.
	I mean, I was just, at first I didn't understand it.
	But then once I had friends that people started dying, I was like, something's going on here.
	But I just felt like the best course was probably just to let it run, let it go.
	I don't know if all this it, it just felt, always felt very bizarre to me.
	And then how I could be in Tennessee and it's wide open and you come here and you'd be like, oh my God, it's like a slave planet here.
	And then the numbers weren't that much worse.
	Although I will say, I guess when you're in a city, it is going to spread easier because you're more packed.
	There's millions of people packed together.
	So I guess that makes kind of sense.
	It would be more in the cities.
	But yeah, it didn't seem like it was no place was really spared, really.
	Yeah, well, it just didn't seem like how would they let me fly from one place where people are just like that.
	You go places, like put a mask on, you're like, all right, and then you sit down.
	You can take your mask off.
	Some airlines, you got to lower your thing to chew and then put it back up when you're done chewing.
	Other airlines are like, we don't give a fuck here at Delta or whatever it is.
	I kind of like that, the up and down.
	That part I kind of like a little bit.
	You have a little more privacy on the plane.
	And as long as you get a snack, it definitely makes you feel more like somebody that's grazing though.
	You're like, oh, if I get some food, then I'll be fine.
	See, here's why I don't like it.
	And this is just self-centered stuff.
	Some people look better with a mask on, but this is my money zone.
	This is where I look really good.
	Oh, yeah.
	You do have these lips and everything else kind of falls apart, but this is where I bring it back.
	So I can be like a five.
	I don't know what number I am, but.
	No, you're not A five, bro.
	I think it's nice to say I'm a five.
	What you are way more, you are better than a five, man.
	I've seen fives, man, and also, most people are a five.
	Yeah, I feel like I'm so you're better than that.
	I appreciate that, but I think I'm probably pretty average.
	Looks-wise, it's hard to say.
	I think if you go for a good run, right?
	You have maybe a couple, you challenge yourself with some maybe even a spicy food or something, or you know, you know, I see you eating a steak or something.
	You're an eight.
	Just by eating a steak.
	Just by whatever ambient.
	If you go for a good run, you show up sweaty.
	You kind of like have that John Kusaki sort of unfunny.
	You have pretty good clothes.
	Like, you have good shoes and stuff, which I think brings you up a little bit.
	Like, I got a, I think my clothes game brings me down a little.
	If I maybe wore nicer stuff, it might help.
	I think you seem like the guy in like the beginning of a movie before he's going to get it all together.
	Okay.
	I just downloaded an exercise app this morning.
	There you go.
	Was it Fitbot?
	No, it was Fit Coach.
	Oh, there's some new ones out.
	Yeah.
	But yeah, I got these boots, man.
	These Rujo boots, and they're nice.
	You know, this is ostrich.
	Is that right?
	Yeah.
	Ostrich.
	Yeah.
	Are they bumpy like that?
	Oh, yeah.
	Is that just with their feathers come out or something?
	Yeah, because the feathers come out.
	And the crazy thing is, I believe that they send you also the feathers with, so it's almost like a.
	Wait, what do you mean you believe?
	Didn't you get them?
	Yeah, but I did.
	There was like a separate little package with each one that I didn't open up.
	But someone said that.
	There's some company that sends you the feathers also with the boots.
	I don't want that.
	I don't know.
	It's kind of like at least you're taking, it's almost like the guy that kills the animal and uses it all.
	You know, it's like it.
	That's they want you to like use these feathers.
	Well, I think if they do that, I kind of like the concept of a company saying, okay, you want this leather belt.
	Here's also the hoofs.
	Here's the horns.
	Here's the, you know what I'm saying?
	Like put a responsibility on the person who's going to wear them.
	Okay, okay.
	So then you can say, yes, I wear leather, but I use the entire animal.
	Yes, yes.
	You know, I have a wallet made out of a, you know, you know, duck bladder or whatever.
	Goat bladder.
	I have, you know, I have this little weed carrying case made out of like a hollowed out horn or something.
	Like, I just feel like then if you did that, then you, they can't trump you by saying, oh, you, you, you're wearing.
	That's a really interesting thought.
	And like a carton of eggs comes with beaks.
	Yeah.
	Like there's rooms in that carton to just stuff like the tree.
	But you could stack 12 beaks right on there.
	You know, I don't know.
	Actually, I do know.
	I think they can have a ton of eggs, man.
	So it could just be one beak.
	How do you feel about different colored eggs?
	Like, do you feel like, are one healthier?
	I feel like the all white eggs aren't healthy.
	Is that just, did I just make that up?
	I mean, I will say that in the brown cartons, there's a little more crime, if you know what I'm saying, bro.
	I will say that.
	But I mean, I'm just, I don't just, you know, people graffiti a lot of shit.
	But what I'm saying is that the white ones do look a little bit more like they kind of put them together as opposed to they were actually hatched.
	If you get that hatched batch, you have, bring up hatched eggs, please.
	Fresh hatched.
	Right there and there.
	There we go.
	Yeah, that's yeah, that's gross.
	Yeah, if you can look at that, if you can look at that, you can see.
	And some of them even have some green ones.
	Yeah, they get really funky.
	Yeah, it's almost like the colors of Tic Tacs.
	That's what they're based on.
	What percentage of...
	Oh, no doubt.
	Yeah.
	I mean, they grab onto something and they just run it and run it over and over again.
	It's just saying something over and over again.
	Yeah.
	It just worms into your brain.
	You know, they have to just go, okay, we're going to do this for 10 minutes.
	Then it's for 10 minutes.
	I don't watch the, you know, I just stopped watching.
	I think a lot of people.
	Their ratings are way down.
	It's horrible.
	Yeah, I think Fox News has the best ratings I know, but I don't know.
	It's all, I mean, it's just, I don't know.
	I don't watch it.
	Who even goes to their television like at a certain time to see, you know what I'm saying?
	Like, I don't even think that happens anymore.
	But you know what did happen was they just found some alien stuff.
	They just declassified a bunch of aliens.
	Is this true?
	I heard that they're getting people pregnant.
	Was that the thing?
	It said, I don't know.
	Can you bring that up?
	I don't believe in aliens, really.
	You don't?
	Well, not really, because I just, what bothers me is if you're going to go across the galaxy, it's very large distances.
	Okay.
	When you get there, you're just going to hide.
	I just feel like you'd want to be like, we're here.
	Can you just imagine?
	They're beings like us.
	I mean, they're creatures of the universe.
	And if you're traveling this far, why are you hiding?
	And then what weird experiments are you doing?
	Right.
	It just doesn't seem to add up to a logical.
	Well, I think they used to do the experiments when they were trying to figure out what was going on, if there was anything happening here.
	To me, I think it's almost like you ever have somebody take you to one of those local zoos, you know, the drive-in parks?
	A drive-in zoo?
	No.
	You ever have that?
	No.
	In Robert, Louisiana, we used to have this place called, I think it was Larry's Zoo or something.
	Larry's apostrophe S. Larry's, yeah, one Larry.
	But, and they had all types of animals there, you know, and they say it's all types, but it's like a mule and they would like paint, you know, paint dew stripes on it or dye its skin, you know, to zebra it.
	Okay.
	But they would have at least one giraffe.
	They'd have one antelope.
	You know, they'd have a couple animals that were, they'd have like a big, big cat or something in a cage and like keep it far away where you couldn't get close to it, but they would say it was like a dangerous animal.
	Oh, would you, they're saying they would paint them so they would be like other animals?
	Just zebra.
	Zebra was the only one that ever, they ever did that.
	I went to the circus once.
	They had a goat and they said, they said, come see the first living unicorn.
	And from a child, they just put the goat's things, they kept tying them together.
	So it's really, it was goat, two goat horns they spun together over like years.
	We went to one thing in middle school, and this monkey starts pledging himself.
	It was like a window, and everyone starts laughing and oh.
	And then he climaxes.
	Everyone goes, oh, like that.
	And then, and he's looking, you know, monkey looking you in the eye.
	He takes it, puts it in his mouth.
	So it went from like, ha ha, to, oh, to like, oh.
	And then the teacher tried to get everybody out of there.
	When you're in eighth grade, that's the funniest thing you can possibly say.
	And did he swallow it, you think, or did every, at that point, everybody was out.
	You probably just locked in.
	Yeah, it was.
	You probably like are now a pin.
	He gave it a taste.
	Yeah, he wasn't.
	It was disgusting.
	Did it look like it was the first time he'd done it, or did it look like he had done this as a practice?
	It looked like a first time he saw everyone's reaction to the fact that he jizz and then he was like, what else?
	He was just, he felt the bug, like the performing bug, I think.
	And he's like, Charlie, that was crazy.
	Yeah.
	Dude, that's insane, man.
	I remember, and I've told this story before in R.I.P., this one fella that I grew up with.
	We were in a hot tub, right?
	When I was a child, and somebody had a birthday party.
	Yeah.
	And everybody was excited.
	Nobody had had a hot tub.
	So people are over there.
	And Louisiana is dangerous.
	You know, it's insane.
	The whole state is a hot tub.
	So it's insane to get a hot tub.
	It's like.
	It's already hot and wet.
	Oh, well, yeah.
	It's just like, you know, somebody's doing a crawfish boil in one part of the yard and they're literally boiling.
	And then you're sitting in a hot, in another, it's just the whole, it's already, it's a hot tub of a state.
	Yeah.
	So anyway, we all go over there.
	It's going to be a sleepover.
	And there's this one fella who'd been ejaculating.
	Nobody knew.
	In the hot tub?
	No, no, no.
	Oh.
	Just on his own time.
	And nobody knew it, right?
	Hey, hadn't said anything.
	And maybe he might have hung out with older people.
	He was a rodeo boy.
	Wait a minute, I'm confused.
	He masturbated on his own time.
	Yep.
	Okay, so why is that news?
	Oh, I'm going to get to it.
	I'm going to get there.
	So yeah, sorry, I was just setting up.
	I was kind of setting the table there for that.
	So what happened next was this.
	So we're all in the hot tub.
	Everybody's, you know, kind of just joking around, talking about baseball, maybe singing hat or, you know, ribbing this one fella about his birthday.
	And that fella ended up dying years later.
	But this one fella named CJ, he's under the water and he's been pleasuring himself, right?
	And none of us know.
	We'd never even seen it.
	How old are you?
	Huh?
	You're how old?
	Probably 10, maybe.
	And he was maybe 13 or 14. He'd been held back a couple times.
	Oh, God.
	And I remember he even had a, he was, he was like, he had shorts on and a belt buckle, which was fucking insane, right?
	He was like a real rodeo boy.
	Well, anyway, he pulls his wiener out and he, he brings it out of the water, like just like loch nesting it, right?
	Right out the water and just starts spraying into this hot tub.
	And we didn't know what was going on, right?
	So this one fella named Will, you know, God bless him, man.
	God bless his soul.
	He grabs onto it because he didn't know if something was happening to him.
	Like his body was leaking out of himself.
	Like he was going to scary.
	It was going to keep going until there was nothing left of him.
	He had put a tourniquet on it.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Like tie it off.
	So he just grabs it to stop it, right?
	And the kid punched him in the neck so hard, dude, that it was just, it was so many immediate things at once.
	And it was just like.
	Well, he really grabbed his cocks to help him.
	He was saying, like, let me stop this.
	To save him, yeah.
	It's like if you saw somebody bleeding or somebody got, you know, somebody macheteed somebody and you had to help them.
	And how confusing you're trying to help someone they punch you in the neck.
	And we, oh, and none of us knew what was going on.
	What a crazy, like, I don't know, was it 13 seconds?
	It was probably a fast thing.
	It was insane, though, to just have that much go on.
	And then you're all just in this hot water and then there's semen in this.
	Oh, God.
	And you don't even know what it is.
	Oh, we had no idea, bro.
	You're just touching it.
	Like, what is that?
	You got out?
	Oh, people didn't know if it was like liquid ghost or what it was, you know?
	People were shocked, bro.
	I remember just people just like, you know, mouth open.
	People like, someone guy got, he couldn't even move.
	Was there?
	You had to like tag him like he got into a game of freeze tag.
	You didn't even know.
	Like, just with, like, just like the gospel.
	Just the shock of it all.
	Was there consequences for this 13-year-old pervert?
	Ah, not at that time.
	I'm sure.
	I think at that point, people were afraid.
	Nobody wanted to rat the guy out.
	So he went totally submerged, masturbated, submerged, and then came up.
	Oh, no, he was just sitting there.
	We're all chatting.
	Oh, so he's like wanking.
	Well, he's in there, yeah.
	Oh, my God.
	So he could have been homosexual as well.
	You know what I'm saying?
	It's the thing that's all boys there, but he was also a boy.
	If he was a man, it would have been way weird.
	But since he was a boy, I think it keeps him out of that pedophile.
	It's always interesting, like the ages where the government has to cut off.
	You just have to make an age for laws.
	But really, it's a very gray, sweeping area.
	The whole thing.
	You can see this fella jack off, but a week from now, but a week ago, you couldn't watch him.
	I'm wearing kind of a smock today, and I got some real church hair going on.
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	Yeah, I remember we talked about that last time you were here a little bit about just like, yeah, the first time we'd ever been involved in self-pleasure and just all that went on with that.
	Well, you had a good memory.
	Yeah, I remember just like weird stuff happening when you're younger and you go to sleep to a neighbor, you're just interacting with another family and you think your family is normal.
	And then you're like, oh, there's this whole other thing going on.
	It's other people.
	Did you ever like, you know, like, were you ever like sneaking around anybody's house looking at people's mom's underpants or sister's underpants?
	Anything like that?
	Like at a birthday party or something?
	Because that kind of stuff happens a lot.
	I'm sure.
	I'm trying to think of a specific story, but I'm sure there was always an interest in women's like underwear.
	I remember I had under my bed, I would take out of the magazines like women underwear ads.
	Oh, wow.
	I remember my, my, it was suddenly gone, right?
	They never had a talk with me.
	But I think my dad probably thought I was like gay.
	And then he was like, oh, he was probably like relieved.
	Not that he was against gay people, but probably like my life wouldn't have been as hard.
	Cause my mom had me singing and dancing.
	Yeah.
	I remember you shared some of that about your mom saying clowns and just clowns.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Really treating you like a married lady.
	My sister dressed me up like a girl and she called me Kylina for like a lot of the time I was a child.
	And I was raised as a woman.
	And then I did come out as a straight man and it was tough.
	Oh my God.
	At what age?
	What age do you think you do you think there were people that thought this guy's a homosexual?
	You know, probably.
	I know it never like said, but I would say like I was into the theater.
	Oh, here's a story.
	This is a sign of the times.
	Okay.
	A guy came in, a peer educator in high school.
	He's like, we're going to get all the groups together.
	Okay.
	So he's like, I'm going to write on the chalkboard the different groups you have at the school.
	You guys just shout them out.
	Okay.
	Jocks.
	Jocks.
	Great.
	Okay.
	He writes jocks on the board.
	Cheerleaders.
	Okay.
	Smoking lounge is a smoking lounge group, you know?
	Oh, yeah.
	And then someone went, play gaze.
	He's like, okay, play gaze.
	Like, now they would never write that on the board, but it said play gaze on.
	And I was like the head.
	I was the president of the drama.
	I was like the head play gay.
	Yeah.
	And then they're like, now ask someone from another group a question.
	Yeah.
	And this girl from like the cheerleader popular girls goes, what do you guys like do on the weekends?
	Remember that?
	And I was like, did that make scared?
	Just like, I was like, why?
	I think I said like we read plays.
	Yeah, we try on different Willie Lohman costumes.
	What's your problem?
	How do you invite me to a party?
	I think, yeah, if there's somebody that's in drama and they talk kind of, if they talk a little weird, people will call them gays, probably.
	Also being skinny, like I was really tiny.
	Oh.
	And tiny.
	Did you wear sweater student?
	I wore sweaters.
	I think I even wore a turtleneck every now and then.
	Oh, God.
	You know?
	Yeah.
	I didn't have any girlfriend in high school.
	I didn't know why, but I did.
	You were gay.
	You were gay.
	That's why.
	Yeah.
	You know, it was probably.
	It's okay.
	I think there's probably a half hour to a couple months where everybody's gay at certain points of life, whether they act on it or not.
	Yeah.
	Just like fluid, everyone's fluid.
	Well, I think the river's just going, you know, since you're born.
	Here's the thing that's a true test.
	What are you looking up in your private time?
	Like, I have no, I've never had an interest to see like, you know, sexually a guy's cock and like guys, it just did not like enter my even curiosity.
	Like, maybe this will do something.
	I always knew that was just not for me.
	Yeah.
	And yeah, same.
	100%.
	I've never Googled fella cock or, you know, like got or like, you know, boy boners.
	I've never, you know, I never, I tell you this.
	I've watched a ton of porn.
	I've never even looked at the wieners in it.
	Yeah, it's like that's my wiener.
	Do you know what I mean?
	Yeah, or it's just, I've never looked at it.
	I look at the entrance.
	What's that image?
	Oh.
	Yeah, I've never looked at that image before.
	I've never, can you name on one hand or two hands?
	And this is usually a gay test as well.
	Alrighty?
	How many wieners you've seen that aren't yours?
	In real life.
	Yep.
	Wow.
	Saw my dad's wiener, a flash of it counts.
	Jesus.
	I mean, I must have blocked him out because I must have seen more than my dad's wiener.
	That's like a urinal or something, but never, it was never like, no one's ever like, here's my dick.
	That's never happened to me.
	Yeah.
	No one's ever like, here's in my face kind of thing.
	It was always like a flash shower or something.
	I know, like, oh, yeah, like when you go to camp and everyone showers together, I saw a bunch of dicks there.
	Oh.
	Just, I mean, keep going.
	Oh, damn, really?
	You were looking down.
	Yeah.
	You're supposed to stay.
	So you just like naturally, you just go there and someone's got to, you know, shower with a penis.
	Those aren't like hard cocks.
	Those are like shriveled shower dicks.
	So passive dicks.
	Yeah.
	How about you?
	What's aggressive?
	I just want aggressive dick count, not like passive shower.
	In your life.
	I remember like getting like being under like a blanket or sitting like in a circle with some other naked boy when I was a kid.
	I don't know if we were naked at bathing suits on.
	Something just seemed a little homoerotic.
	And somebody's penis, I think I saw.
	But also, oh, my brother's wiener I saw.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know, if you have a brother, you're going to see their wiener.
	I saw a flash of my brother's too once.
	I don't even have a real picture of it.
	Dude, there was a fucking dude one time that came.
	I remember when we were kids, we were waiting.
	My mom used to deliver all these newspapers to these different gas stations, right?
	And this dude came right up by the window and put his penis against it.
	And while we're sitting in the car, you know?
	And my brother and I were just like in the back seat.
	And so we kept fighting to get like furthest away from it.
	It almost became like a game, you know?
	That's a guy thing to like, here's my penis.
	Rarely women are like, well, I put a vagina against a window and be like, look at this.
	It's always a guy thing.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Guys, there's something funny about having something to show people too.
	My friend had this guy when he was like 12. He was like masturbating with a blanket over him.
	And I was talking to my other friend down.
	We're all in the same room.
	Like a magician?
	Yeah, like a magician.
	And my other friend suddenly met his face.
	He was like, blank, stop, dragon.
	And I was like, don't, I'm trying to like be the, you know, the peacemaker.
	Do you know the guy's name?
	Yeah, yeah.
	I just don't know what his name is.
	Yeah, can I guess it?
	Just give me one guess.
	Which guy are you guessing?
	The guy upset or the guy who's jerking on the guy.
	Okay, go ahead.
	ooh this is going to be tough ooh Rick.
	Yep.
	No.
	It was John.
	Yeah, sure it was.
	Okay, sorry, I messed your story up.
	Go on.
	No, I think that was the whole story.
	Oh, it was?
	Dude, I don't, like, the crazy thing is, is you suddenly have this crazy gun on your body that like makes, you know, like.
	Really bad bullets.
	Yeah.
	Ineffective fire.
	But it's fun and it's cool, you know?
	But also, there's a lot of shame that's pushed upon you.
	Totally.
	You also don't know.
	You know, we had a guy call in recently and said that his brother taught him how to masturbate.
	And I thought that there was some value in that because then it's like a, it's almost like, it's almost like tribal.
	Like I'm in a show.
	No, no, no.
	You don't feel it.
	No one taught you.
	Did someone teach you?
	I think I want to be taught.
	No, a magazine or something looking at something dirty.
	That's what it is.
	Because you find something hidden, then you look at it.
	Then you go hide whatever caused you to do it.
	So then you're like, it's this real game of hide and go seek with people that, you know, or your parents or whatever, teachers.
	I just can't imagine now what they have at their, like I was saying, like bras was, that was it mainly.
	Like underwear pictures.
	Did you ever cop in a bra or something from someone and keep that as like a memento kind of like, you know?
	I think I had the opportunity.
	I probably would have.
	I think that that would interest me.
	Fear of getting, you know, someone noticing, getting caught.
	Were you making love in high school or anything like that?
	I could not.
	I literally was like so tiny and skinny.
	And I was like, the way I got to girls, like I was like a clown.
	I was clowning.
	And then they would tell me about the guy they liked.
	And I just would have to go home and be like, fake.
	I was always like secretly in love with someone that had no idea.
	And then I would listen to like Phil Collins songs and get sad.
	Damn, boy.
	And I was, I was Uncle Albert and this Mary Poppins, you know, Uncle Albert.
	It was a humiliating part.
	We're just ridiculous.
	It sounds unbelievably tough to be.
	This girl I was in love with, she wrote me a letter and I was excited about it.
	And she wrote, you make the perfect Uncle Albert.
	And I cried because I realized she just thinks I'm just like clown.
	But then later we ended up dating like 10 years, 15 years later, we ended up dating.
	It is funny how you get those chances years later.
	It's really great.
	Yeah.
	It's really great.
	It's funny how years later those opportunities, that train comes back around.
	It's a little worn down, you know, and the train definitely has a lot of, uses a lot of spray tanner.
	But it comes back through town.
	Yeah, you had that?
	Were you kind of a popular kid in high school?
	I was doing fine.
	I was doing fine, but I think my confidence was so low.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	And I had acne too.
	And so I'd get so in junior I had bad acne.
	Okay.
	So I'd be afraid to even like make certain letters of the alphabet because pimples would pop on my face just from the pressure of it.
	My skin was so tight because they put me on retinol or tenactin or something.
	Yep.
	So, and I'd put everything on my face.
	I was so scared.
	You know, I was like trying to use anything we had at the house to get my skin better.
	And I would just be doused up.
	And so my skin would be so tight that if I fucking hit, you know.
	Oh, you just start bleeding?
	It was that bad.
	It would just, you know, you hit a strong, you hit a strong consonant, you know, batch of consonants or something.
	Yeah.
	You know, or an alliteration or something.
	And bam, you fire off a little pour with fire, you know, you'd pop a pimple.
	You're just so scared to talk to somebody because you thought a pimple was going to pop and hit them.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So then you're kind of talking from back here, just Fucking weird shit, you know, all in my head.
	Meanwhile, other dudes with pimples are banging and fucking touching ass and everything.
	We had a retreat to some island and it was like seventh grade and it all coupled off.
	And then it was like, I was just with this group of guys that we just know girls liked us.
	And it's just like, because that's the age where you go, oh, girls don't like me.
	Like seventh grade, you go, oh, fuck, you know?
	Or like, I was in the mirror at a gap store and it's like the three-way mirror.
	And I saw like my nose had just exploded off my face.
	It was just like, see you later.
	And I was like, God damn it.
	And that's where you usually end up with drugs, rock all.
	Usually say you're standing around a fire, everybody else is coupled off, you're there.
	There's a couple other fucking nerds, you know, not nerds, but people that aren't getting no action there.
	That's usually when somebody picks up a stick, fucking hits.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Like there's some people start letting their anger out.
	Somebody fucking beats somebody with a stick.
	Somebody starts, you know, doing homemade Coke.
	Like people start get, that's when, once you start realizing you were rejected, that's when that batch of misfits starts.
	But I'll tell you, you never get away from it.
	Let's say you're really popular in high school.
	The pain will eventually hit you.
	You get older.
	Something.
	And like for me, you know, I started old, it didn't hit me.
	I already got hit when I was younger.
	So it's just a matter of time.
	But did you have a chance though?
	Was there a chance, though, Kyle?
	I feel like you had to have a chance with a woman at some point in high school and you could have played it differently.
	I could have played it differently?
	Yeah.
	Oh, I go back in my head, like, oh, that girl liked me and fucking put it together.
	I saw boob when I was in, I think, 10th grade in the moonlight.
	It was great.
	I actually hooked up, like, I'm kind of underplaying.
	My junior year, I, I hooked up a couple of them.
	Didn't have sex, but it was on things where.
	We all doing oral sex?
	No.
	Yeah, I did in high school get oral sex.
	I did.
	Senior year.
	Yeah.
	But anyway, it was very hit and miss.
	Yeah.
	I've had a girlfriend a long time now.
	I've gone on dates, but just I've had a girlfriend girlfriend like three and a half years.
	Weren't you dating some Swedish lady?
	Spade said something about that.
	Swedish.
	Or something.
	Amster Damian or something?
	No.
	We went out with these.
	I mean, let's talk about that.
	Didn't you and Schumer used to date?
	No, that's...
	Is that out there?
	It's like the first 90,000 Googles of me.
	And it's never were boyfriend or girlfriend.
	It's almost like it doesn't matter what I say.
	That's the internet is what the truth term is.
	Isn't that crazy?
	It's like it doesn't even matter what you say or what's going on.
	Whatever the internet has logged into it.
	Okay.
	That's the power of PR and everything.
	It's like, this is the truth.
	It's like we have, somebody has cornered the market on the truth.
	Yeah, yeah.
	That's what's unbelievable about these people that own these websites and stuff.
	It's like it just feels unbelievable that they own the power of what's true or not anymore.
	And also mistruth travels six times faster than the truth in general.
	It's the truth is usually not as interesting.
	So it's it and people want clicks.
	So it's just set up to send out the wrong information.
	Oh, yeah.
	There's no stopping it.
	So that's just how it is.
	Did you, when you have sex, are you more like the attack dog?
	Are you more like an do you do it from like more of like a are you more of like a see attack dog?
	That sounds like I can't even that sounds like like trouble.
	I don't attack anybody.
	Yeah, no, I'm not saying that.
	I'm not saying like you're a predator.
	Sorry.
	Are you more of like a like onward?
	Are you more of, are you playing like a defensive, are you more of like a defensive fucker, you'd think?
	Are we talking like during like actual sex or like during actual sex, man?
	Game on, whistles blown?
	I got to say, I wouldn't say I'm hurting anybody, but I would say like I'm an initiator.
	I'm not sitting back.
	Right.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Okay.
	I would think that would be a little effeminate to just kind of lie there and have a woman sort of.
	The worst, I think, is if you fuck and cross your legs at the same time like that.
	How do you do that?
	I don't know.
	I've definitely seen images of guys like very passive men, you know, French men or whatever it is.
	And it just, it seems, that seems very effeminate to me.
	Well, in a relationship, you know, if you're having sex, I think there can be, I've definitely had times where it's like phone, phoning in a little bit.
	Oh, yeah.
	And that's a little passive.
	But that's, you know, natural.
	Are you in a relationship?
	You have a girlfriend right now?
	No, dude.
	No, I've been in and out of some dating, and all of it has been a nightmare.
	You know, it's all good.
	I've been dating a lot.
	You do, I'm sure you do well.
	I get like, my DMs are like all dudes, like 99% just dudes.
	And I go to shows.
	My shows are like, which, you know, I'm happy to have people come to my show, but like, it is like all dudes and then like older women.
	Really?
	Like, women between 20 and 35, like do not come to my shows.
	They don't come.
	We got to get them out there.
	I got a tour coming up.
	And I'll send you the numbers back of the ratios.
	You know, like YouTube will say like your percentage of watch who watches you.
	Yeah.
	And it just says like 99 dudes on YouTube then.
	What you don't, so you don't.
	Well, let's finish.
	Was Megan Kelly cool and where does she tape her show?
	She does a Sirius XM show and it's on YouTube.
	Oh, cool.
	And yeah, she was really cool.
	Nice.
	Yeah.
	You should do it.
	She's cool.
	Yeah, I would like to go.
	Is she hot in person?
	Is she attractive?
	Well, I zoomed.
	You zoomed.
	But she's attractive, yeah.
	Wow, did she feel hot?
	Did she feel flirty at all or no?
	She brought her husband up like twice.
	I'd say no.
	Oh, buzz.
	That's a kill, huh?
	Yeah.
	And have they been married a long time, you think?
	Yeah, I think, yeah.
	Wow.
	She's not saying it.
	Maybe you're not doing it.
	No, I would still do it, but.
	Did you ever have a job as like a lifeguard or something?
	I could see you doing.
	Like, did you ever try to take a job that would change the way that women looked at you?
	Like, all right, I'm going to do this.
	I'm going to do like a, you know, boat captain assistant, or I'm going to do like a, you know, assistant manager or something.
	I mean, the theater thing was, was like, initially it was like a lot of girl driven, you know.
	Oh, because you're going to go there to find women.
	Yeah, they set you up and you dance with them, and it's like, you know, it's a good mingle.
	Yeah, I could see, I guess that's true.
	And I also, yeah, getting into like theater, and then also you're usually like one of the only straight men in the group.
	Oh, if you can sneak in there, when I got in theater, yeah, like when I got to New York, I started doing that, it was, yeah, it was slim pickings for the women.
	I felt bad for the women.
	I was like, this is it, you know.
	So did you feel more of a confidence then?
	But the first day, you're like, oh my God, a lot of these men are attractive men.
	But then you start to realize, oh, Reginald's gay.
	You know, Alan's gay.
	Right, right.
	You know, you're like, geez, it's getting better and better.
	Suddenly, you're damn Rick Fox or whatever.
	Yeah, but I don't have that any.
	There's no group anymore.
	There's no alone.
	I do my show in my house alone.
	And I do stand up alone.
	You run your show, man.
	Your show is unbelievable, man.
	Everything you do is like another level of creative.
	It's really fascinating to watch you work and to just witness it.
	Thank you.
	We had a question that came in, actually, about your show.
	Let's throw one of these at you here.
	I had to take this week off.
	To do a live sketch every week with very little help is insane.
	Okay, here we go.
	Hey, what's up, Kyle and Theo?
	I was wondering, I mean, I love your guys' shit doing really, really funny stuff out there.
	But I was wondering, Kyle, what is your favorite character to do?
	I mean, they're all surprisingly accurate.
	But yeah, I was wondering what your preference is.
	All right.
	All right.
	Yeah, baby.
	Thank you.
	I like doing Alec Baldwin right now.
	Yeah.
	Alec Baldwin.
	And Jeff Goldblum.
	It's fun.
	How do you do one?
	Teach me how to do it.
	Can you teach me how to do one or is it like people talk in a certain range of notes?
	You have to have a relative pitch, be able to hear notes.
	Okay.
	So I don't know if you have that, but and they have to kind of like be able to manipulate your voice box a little bit.
	Okay.
	I think I talked about a crazy long neck I have.
	Oh, you do?
	I hurt my neck and I had a dream.
	I was twisting off this top of a Coke can and I woke up with my hands around my neck.
	I was like twisting my neck.
	Anyway, I went to the doctor and they took an x-ray and he was rubbing his chin looking at my x-ray.
	I'm like, I'm dying.
	Even a doctor's like, like this.
	And then he calls another guy in and I'm like, what the fuck do I have?
	And he's like, and I go, what's wrong?
	What is that?
	And he goes, you have the neck of a seven-foot man.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	But it helps me because I can move my voice box.
	So anyway, like people have different, people usually speak in like a four to five note range.
	Pretty, you know.
	Also, pretty gay.
	For us, one man to bring another man into the room to look at a freaking man's neck drawing or something.
	That was X-ray.
	That was pretty homoerotic, I feel like.
	It was very homoerotic.
	Yeah, it's like, hey, Ron, get in here, man.
	You know?
	Yeah.
	Look what this guy's got here.
	That almost feels more like invasive.
	Somebody looking at your x-ray and not asking if they can show it to somebody else feels very invasive.
	So much dead silence, too.
	I'll teach you how to do Jeff Goldman, all right?
	Okay.
	Jeff Goldman has a very large range.
	It's kind of unusual.
	So it's like down here.
	Yes, yes.
	Yes, yes, yes.
	And he goes, wait, way up here.
	Like that.
	So you go, like that.
	Yeah.
	Dinosaurs.
	Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
	Yes, yes, yes, yes.
	Dinosaurs.
	Dinosaurs.
	That's really good.
	Yeah, yes, yes, yes.
	Yes, yes, yes.
	But, but, but.
	But.
	And then we do a whisper like a butt bat, but.
	Jeff, what's your favorite dinosaur?
	Oh, well, thank you for asking.
	I would say trash here at Herpson.
	That's really good.
	That's really good.
	I'm not angry, man.
	I got to ask you, why are you paying insane amounts of money every month for wireless?
	Huh?
	Why?
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	Babble, language for life.
	The only one I've ever done is been, yes, has been Morgan Freeman.
	Oh, yeah, you have his timbre.
	Morgan Freeman.
	They said it would take a man 600 years to get out of this here prison.
	But Andy Dufran did it in less than 20. He crawled to a sludge.
	My voice is close to some people.
	Like Bill Mars Easy is like close to my.
	Okay, people.
	I'm right in the same range.
	Yeah.
	New rule.
	Yeah, I saw him the other night at a party, and he looked, he's the weirdest looking guy.
	Dude.
	Sorry, he's a strange-looking man.
	Some people, he has been bothered by me in just random ways.
	I hear about it.
	I was in Whole Foods.
	A lady came up to me and she goes, I tell you, I was a stewardess on a private plane with Bill Maher and I went up to him and I said, Kyle Dunning does a really good impression of you.
	And his face dropped and he turned away from me.
	He didn't talk to me.
	And then she was told to go in the back of the plane and not talk to him again.
	No.
	Yeah.
	And he was on Rogan and he brought me up out of nowhere.
	He goes, that guy does a terrible, you had some guy on who was a terrible impression of me.
	And then Joe was like, no, he doesn't play it.
	And then Bill goes, if you play that, I'm leaving.
	He really is annoying.
	And then AJ Benza told me.
	He's like pussy.
	And you notice he tries to get a lot more conservative, like low-key.
	I think he sees where the audience is at.
	And so he tries to, you see it over the past year, I feel like.
	Yeah.
	But at least he's brave enough to say stuff.
	That's one thing about him that's definitely a lot of fun.
	I agree with a lot of what he says.
	Yeah.
	And I feel like.
	But he's definitely shifting more.
	He's definitely shifting more.
	I think because he sees that there's no end in the other thing.
	There's no end in like this, let's just keep pointing fingers at each other and saying everything is off limits, you know?
	Yeah.
	Why does it have to be teams?
	Can you answer this question for me?
	Because why does there be a Democrat, Republican?
	Why are there two teams?
	I'm sure there's a reason that I don't understand, but can't we just have a guy and then have people that like have issues, issue to issue?
	I think, well, we used to have that.
	What is that?
	That's what politics used.
	It used to just be like everybody kind of had a guy, but you kind of supported whoever the president was.
	And then I think, I don't know what that is that kind of changed.
	It's really interesting.
	I don't know.
	I don't know if it was just so much of like the power of social media and the media like pitting us against each other with like different clips because that's what really does it.
	People see a clip and then they believe that's that they latch on to it.
	But even before the media, there was Democrat Republicans who are like, you're this or you're that.
	And then like you have pressure to stay with your team.
	There's plenty of that.
	It should be.
	Yeah.
	Just like, also the way we elect the president should be, I would like to change the rules of that.
	Yeah.
	Well, I think a lot of it's kind of archaic, you know?
	It's old news.
	They're doing shit like, you know, 13 original colonies kind of stuff.
	They need to evolve it a little bit.
	We should big brother the presidents.
	Like you get people, first you do like a sort of an intelligence test, then you do like a psychology test, then you do, you know, go for their vet them completely, all this stuff.
	And then you put them all together for like a month and we just watch them survive and go, this guy, brilliant.
	Yeah.
	He can handle pressure.
	That guy.
	That's what we do.
	Have Julie Chan interview him like once every two weeks.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Check in.
	I mean, to be a successful politician, you have to, you have to lie.
	You have to be a liar.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	But you get to know who people are.
	When you see them for an extended period of time, you start to be like, oh, this guy's like that.
	This guy's like that.
	And in tough situations.
	I mean, same thing with a bachelor.
	The bachelor should not be them on vacation.
	It should be them like having to do their taxes or just them in some in a closet for a while or they can't shower.
	Late for a flight or there's only cold water this week.
	This challenge is you're late for a flight.
	Yeah.
	That's really good.
	There was this one of those we almost died shows.
	You know, those I shouldn't be alive.
	Oh, yeah.
	But they are pussies.
	Yeah.
	So they were on the first date, right?
	Yeah.
	Which is you're trying to be cool and whatever.
	They get off this gondola and they're like, let's explore.
	Like, fucking idiots, the wrong path.
	So they get on the wrong side of the mountain.
	The gondola leaves without them.
	They can't find their way back to the gondola.
	Now they're just like trenching through just vast wilderness, okay?
	And who's leading?
	Does it say a man or woman?
	It's a man trying to be a man.
	Okay.
	And she's there.
	And then she says she wakes up in the morning.
	She doesn't want her breath to be bad.
	You know, their lives are in danger, but you're still, you're on this date still.
	Oh, that's true.
	The date is still.
	It's like, maybe we'll get rescued and like, I don't have bad breath and gross smell like shit.
	So now they just like, they finally find this like tent.
	They run to it.
	They're like, tent.
	Maybe there's like a hiker.
	And there's just a skeleton there like a dead guy.
	Okay.
	And he's an experienced climber guy.
	And he's got a journal.
	And the journal's like, there's no way out of this.
	There's no, I can't get out of this canyon.
	There's no way out.
	I've tried blah, blah, blah.
	And they're like, this guy couldn't get out of here.
	We're going to die.
	And by now, they're fighting.
	They're not even with each other.
	No.
	That's how fuck mad they were and annoyed because you need each other to survive.
	They were like, go over there.
	I hate you.
	And that was a TV show?
	This is a real, this show was like documenting.
	Yeah, it's one of those like, I shouldn't be alive.
	So now they're dead and they're just starving.
	And then this guy gets a brilliant idea.
	What do you think it is?
	He saves them.
	He saves their lives.
	What does he do?
	What does he do?
	It's a man and they're on him out.
	He saves her life.
	Wow.
	She still doesn't fuck him.
	Unbelievable.
	Your mom fucked your dad, dude, to give you a life.
	Somebody saved your life.
	They get a fuck.
	Something.
	What about a hot tub hand job?
	Yeah, huh?
	What about busting out in front of some children in the only hot tub in raw boil?
	Bro, I'm saying this, bro, and this is what I'm saying.
	What the man does is I believe that he gets them to sing at the top of their lungs.
	Wow, no.
	No, man.
	That's not it at all.
	That's a bad guess, too.
	That's a waste of energy.
	Here we tell you?
	Yeah.
	He starts from there.
	Masturbate.
	Nope.
	A forest fire.
	Fucking brilliant, right?
	Legend.
	He's like, I'm going to burn it down.
	And just like, starts this huge fire.
	And Then people will come.
	All the vegans come running.
	Yeah.
	What's going on?
	You kill these trees.
	That's the toughest job being a firefighter.
	Like when these fires happen and they have to go in there and then it can blow your direction.
	You're just in Gulf.
	You're sucking in that soot all day.
	Yeah.
	They drop those guys out there.
	Yeah.
	I have an idea.
	Like I have a lot of time on my hands.
	You know, they drop the water, comes out, and it kind of just sprays out.
	Put them all in giant water balloons.
	Then it explodes on the ground.
	Is that a good idea?
	I think it's a great idea.
	Or one giant water balloon that it splashes on the water.
	Instead of a mist, because a mist hits the water, that hits the fire.
	Yeah.
	It's interesting, man.
	It's interesting to see how, to know which one would be what.
	You know, that's real interesting.
	Brilliant, though, that guy to start a forest fire.
	Yeah.
	And simple.
	And they probably build it for it.
	The worst part, though, he's probably still paying for it.
	He's still paying for that date.
	He's in jail.
	God.
	Yeah, I guess you got to let him off the hook.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Do you see, we had a question that came in.
	Let's get back to that question.
	Back to the questions.
	Oh, okay.
	Here's a lady.
	Oh, here she is.
	Beautiful young lady.
	Hi, Kyle.
	I am one of your biggest fans.
	I'm seriously obsessed with you.
	You're amazing.
	Such a brilliant comedic mind.
	And thank you.
	That's just the flattery portion.
	But I do have a question, which is I'm curious about how you construct your sketches because they always feel there are these like outlandish concepts, but they never feel like too cartoonish.
	And I don't know how you do that with some of these characters that you create.
	But I'm curious because I do feel like you have mastered the sort of language of subtlety in your comedy as well as being really over the top.
	And I was curious, like, how do you know when the sketch is complete?
	Because I feel like there is an art to that.
	And it seems like you are really good at knowing sort of how long it needs to be and when the joke has sort of run its course.
	So yeah.
	Thank you.
	There you go.
	I mean, is there any way to answer this without sounding like a total douchebag?
	I don't know.
	Like analyzing your comedy so is hard to win.
	It is.
	And we can't even take this out if it's not.
	Oh, no, it's a sweet question.
	It's a very sweet question.
	And she seems very sweet.
	Yeah.
	Well, I'll tell you that the one thing I do do, which I don't do do, that I don't think other people can because I shoot so cheaply is I will like shoot something and have an idea and shoot it like raw and like bad.
	And I'll sleep on it and I'll watch it the next day and be like, oh, that's, that doesn't need to be like that.
	And I have like a fresh thought.
	I also ask if I'm having trouble with something, this, this helps with a lot of things now is you sort of like give it to your subconscious to figure out and go to bed.
	I think a lot of, you know, because you really, your ideas kind of pop into your subconscious.
	Like it does come from your subconscious, you know, the thoughts.
	Yeah, your brain's really a great thing.
	We forget that.
	Yeah, and just let it run.
	I think like trying to intellectualize things, I don't really get good stuff out of that.
	That's usually the not as creative stuff.
	And then in terms of I edit way down, I try to take anything not needed.
	Sketch takes a lot of time.
	Like I take a lot of time.
	Like something would take me like 15 hours or when I do the fresh press, I do these like eight minute shorts.
	Those take like over 100 hours of editing and whatever, reworking stuff.
	And you like to do it all yourself?
	Well, yeah.
	I mean, I also write with my friend John Bush and Kurt Metzger.
	And, you know, we, you know, they're all invaluable.
	And then this girl, Jessica Montez, does like, yeah, kind of produces it.
	So it's really a team effort.
	And yeah, I cracking like an impression, I'll like take somebody, some, oh, I want to, they're in the news and I'll try to get them.
	And there's a certain, you know, thing that you sort of grab onto and I can either do it or I can't do it.
	But I can't do women, too many women.
	I just can't get my voice up high enough.
	You do the Dashians.
	Yeah, but it's like...
	Right.
	And yeah, baby.
	Right.
	It's like, yeah, baby.
	Yeah, baby.
	Well, he was born biologically a man.
	True.
	It's easier to do.
	He's cheating.
	Do you, is there a, what's a celebrity you've tried to get that you haven't nailed yet, but you're not going to give up on?
	Is there one?
	Hmm.
	Thank you.
	I feel like Jeff Bezos I could do, but I feel like people don't really care enough about him at this point, but at some point maybe.
	Yeah, it's hard to know anything.
	I wouldn't know anything he's said or done enough, you know?
	It's pushed me to do so many impressions.
	Doing the show every week and the Instagram before that, I pushed me so hard to do impressions, which I'm glad because, you know, with like stand-up or whatever, you're not like pushed to work.
	I work all the time.
	This is like the first few days I took off because I just was like tapped out.
	But I must love it because I work.
	There's some like weeks I'll just, I wake up, I work all day and edit.
	I collapse.
	I wake up, I work all day edit.
	That's why I don't have a social life because of that.
	Well, you love your work.
	You chose your work as your, as your, as your, as your partner.
	Yeah, I know.
	I, yeah.
	But it's interesting.
	People kind of don't realize that sometimes.
	Yeah, it does take up, it is like a relationship almost.
	But the editing I could do without so much editing.
	That takes up most of my days.
	Yeah.
	Would it be possible to get some, but it's hard to get somebody to acutely do what you desire and get your real voice really.
	Without that.
	That's a problem.
	I'm so used to doing everything like myself that, you know, it's hard for an editor to come in.
	We're with a guy now who does a good job.
	Yeah.
	But it's hard.
	Do you think, well, you do a great job, man.
	It's really unprecedented the type of stuff you do and how creative it is.
	And just that you're your own TV show, it's unbelievable, really.
	I'm watching your stuff and I'm like, this is unbelievable because you feel, I feel that you're sitting there doing it.
	I don't feel that there's like a go-between fella, you know, some little henchman or henchwoman or, you know, a pen swimmer that's sitting there, you know, doing the strokes for you.
	Yeah, I keep going.
	Like, I can, this is my last week.
	I keep wanting to quit every week.
	And yeah, there's no, I don't think there's anyone else doing a live sketch show on YouTube.
	And your audience has been growing.
	Yeah, it's been growing.
	That's been, that kind of keeps me going.
	That's amazing.
	That's why it's growing.
	Because if that stopped, I think I would just have to take a, oh, take your life, Bob.
	But we were, we have the number one in YouTube magazine, the number one, I'm making this up.
	YouTube magazine?
	There's no YouTube magazine.
	Well, I got a YouTube trading card the other day and I saw it.
	What?
	Really?
	Yeah.
	There was one of you in there.
	I think it was...
	I'd like to get YouTube trading cards.
	We have the number one and the last place live sketch show on YouTube.
	I don't think there's any other ones.
	I know y'all were runner-up a couple times.
	I think it's insane.
	I mean, we look at SNL.
	There's like 30 writers and they work around the clock.
	And it's because sketch is not, those are the greatest writers, sketch writers in the country.
	I mean, they scour the country.
	It's just really hard to write good sketch.
	I envy what you've created because you can have an hour of content and just hang out with your buddies and stuff.
	And then you build a huge audience.
	Yeah.
	Well, yeah, it's definitely been interesting.
	But I think the big thing is just creating something and doing it.
	That's all it is.
	And it's like you can only create, like, I get envious of what you created, man.
	It's just like so, because it feels so creative now.
	Like, even two years ago, I was like, oh, this is so like early.
	You were an early person.
	It came into Craig's everyone.
	You said, which I always remember because it really was true.
	You said, who, I don't know who this is for.
	Yeah.
	Which it still is kind of like that.
	Like, it's got like puppets in it.
	Well, yeah, you had that girl looking at the pickle and the ice cream the other day.
	It's like, is this a chill?
	It's like, it's the perfect show because we're all devolving into children anyway, man.
	It's like, it's all becoming, we're all stuck on this mountain looking for to start a forest fire.
	We're all on a bad date with ourselves.
	You know, it's like, it's all devolving, it feels like.
	So I just want to keep cranking out the material and I just worry.
	I worry I'm going to dry up because take breaks.
	Yeah, I got a break this week.
	Yeah, you have to take breaks.
	You get punished online for taking breaks.
	I took a break like a couple months ago and it's like I lose 35% of my audience.
	I take three weeks off, like 35 to spend time to get that back.
	But otherwise you die, man.
	Like I've struggled in the past years of just like, I did two episodes a week for like a year, two years, I think.
	Yeah.
	And almost killed myself.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Like I just had no things left to even think or say.
	Yeah.
	You got a great thing going.
	Dang.
	And your shows, your live shows are killer.
	Are you still on tour right now?
	We got a new tour coming up, a couple new legs of it anyway.
	So now I just do it in little legs, things I can manage.
	I just need things to be manageable right now.
	That's the biggest thing.
	Yeah.
	Try to find creative guests right now.
	And then trying to get some help.
	I'm trying to get some help on the producer front.
	I need to, you know, it's like I start to realize I need more help.
	You know, I need more.
	Yeah, delegating is a thing where I'm now, because I realized I had to delegate and it's hard if you haven't done it before.
	I'm not good at it yet.
	I'm trying to get better.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	We just started kind of looking for some help or trying to figure that out.
	You know, because yeah, you think you can kind of handle things and then you're like, oh, I really need to get some help.
	You don't realize when you're about to need to go to the hospital.
	It's like sneaks up on you.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Do you have an assistant?
	I just started getting somebody to help me with like kind of day-to-day stuff.
	That's huge.
	Like I can't like, I lost like a some Bitcoin.
	Oh, and you got to find it?
	Like that stressing me out.
	Like have someone else find that.
	It'll take you a month.
	Yeah.
	And yeah, and then you're trying to guess those 13 keywords.
	Well, you know, I guess it got stolen, I think.
	It was in the Cash App, and I was sending it to this poker site.
	Ooh, that's dirty.
	I don't play a lot.
	But anyway, I was sending over Bitcoin and it just fucking disappeared.
	And they're both like, we don't know.
	And I'm like, okay, bye.
	I guess there goes $1,000.
	Yeah, dude.
	I was buying some Psychedelic micro-dosing capsules because I was getting off antidepressants and I was buying some of those online and I got scammed out.
	Oh, really?
	$179.
	Yeah.
	Some dude took me up in Snohomas or somewhere up in Washington.
	$179?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, you'll recover.
	Hurts still, though?
	It does hurt.
	That's like, I don't know, a lot of packs of it.
	It just stings.
	Yeah, it just stings when you know somebody's cheating you.
	Have you seen The Alpinist, man?
	The Alpinist?
	Alpinist?
	Alpinist, no.
	Climbing movie?
	No, I like that.
	I like those.
	Does he do the thing without any ropes?
	Because that bothers me.
	It's so good, man.
	How high do you think you could probably climb?
	I mean, it depends on the steepness of the.
	I couldn't climb anything if it was like straight up.
	We're talking about like a...
	How high can someone climb?
	Can you Google that?
	Oh, you're saying like physically breathe?
	Like 25,000 feet.
	If you had to climb, say somebody right now is like, climb, boy, climb.
	How steep is this?
	What's the amount?
	You know, you're straight up.
	You're going up a ladder.
	Oh, it's a line.
	Up a ladder.
	Well, let's say ladder, just to get the idea.
	What's the answer here?
	This is a crazy question.
	How high can I climb?
	What does that say there?
	Can you zoom in on it a little bit?
	You're dying at around 20,000 feet.
	It's 21,000 feet.
	Humans have survived for years at 5950 meters.
	I hate when they do that.
	Okay, times that times three.
	Okay, we're talking like 18,000 feet.
	Yeah.
	Which is the highest report.
	It's a permanently tolerable altitude.
	So how high do you think you could climb?
	This is eight feet.
	It's about living there.
	Like how long I could climb up there and breathe for a little while.
	But at what point when you're climbing do you start to have that moment where you look down and your body stops climbing?
	That's what I want to know.
	This is the variables involved in your scenario are there's a huge gap.
	I mean, there's so many variables that I need answers to.
	I got this one then.
	How high do you think you could climb, right?
	This is a good one.
	Okay.
	Actually, let's finish this one and then I got a good one.
	Okay.
	Or I'll just, do you think you could climb?
	Say you had a jingle bell, right?
	Hanging from a little rope off your chin.
	Okay.
	How high do you think you could climb without it ringing at all?
	Like, okay, is it really tied tight?
	Is it swinging?
	Is it breezy out?
	It's not breezy.
	There's no wind, zero wind.
	There's a, I would say there is three quarters of an inch of thread.
	Okay, is it a rocky terrain?
	No, you're just on a ladder.
	A ladder.
	It's steel ladder.
	I would say maybe like a mile.
	I could probably get a mile up.
	Without making it ring?
	No, dude.
	I don't think it would ring.
	Wow.
	Yeah, that's true.
	What were you thinking?
	Thanks, dude.
	What were you thinking?
	I thought 20 feet.
	No.
	You know how slow you would have to go to not get the thing.
	You don't got to go slow.
	You got to go smooth.
	That's what you're going to do.
	One jingle, dude.
	One thought.
	Look how fast I'm not even moving my head.
	You just got to move your limbs quickly.
	Would you be scared you would hit your head on one of the rungs and that would ring it?
	Would you climb with your face out to the side?
	I would probably bring it back a little up, tuck the chin.
	I got a thing that would really blow your mind.
	I'd put the bell in my mouth.
	If it's dangling a couple inches.
	I'm going all the way.
	But then you have one little breathing mishap or this or that and you're running that whistle.
	Yeah.
	I used to boulder climb, which I would like to get back to.
	You ever do that?
	No, but you should get out there.
	I can see a lot of women being out there for you.
	I don't talk to people in public.
	Even on your shows, I leave right after.
	Really?
	I just feel really uncomfortable just going up to a stranger.
	It's just weird to go up to a stranger.
	It's weird.
	But that's all getting married is, is just going up to a stranger.
	That's why I'm not married.
	I don't know.
	I think you've known for a while.
	Well, no, I think the best way is you're working with a person.
	So we're not in an office.
	You know, you and Jane work on that report.
	And then you work on the report and you're like, oh, this report.
	And then you rag on the boss.
	And you guys laugh.
	And you rag on the other guy in the office.
	And then you hook up one night and you've known each other for six months and that's good.
	Yeah.
	Then you get married.
	Yeah.
	Not this nonsense we do.
	And then also they've seen you perform.
	That's a weird.
	Yeah.
	Have you sent, ever sent like a DM to a celebrity or just to a woman?
	I've DM'd.
	I've DM'd, but I don't think out of the blue, like, hey, I saw your pictures.
	I've never done that.
	Yeah.
	I've done like, hey, I saw you somewhere.
	Like as a lie, you'll say that?
	No, then I really did see him somewhere.
	Oh, okay.
	Yeah.
	But they didn't write back.
	Oh, I didn't see it.
	They saw it.
	You're a catch, dude.
	You got all, you got everything going for you.
	I really think that.
	Well, that's nice of you, man.
	I think you should be a bitch.
	You have one of us as an a woman, dude.
	Dude, we'd be fucking, dude.
	Are you kidding me?
	Dude, we'd be in a relationship long term right here, dog.
	You'd meet my mom, dude.
	Yeah, dude.
	She'd tie little strings around me to keep me in a room like this.
	I love you.
	Dude, I get so worried about just where the world's heading.
	Are you worried about it?
	Yes and no.
	I feel like I've had such a good run.
	I'm kind of like, okay.
	Do you know what I mean?
	Right, but I'm talking about the next gen, next two gen's.
	Yeah, like I feel bad, but I kind of don't care about, I kind of don't care.
	I probably, if I thought about it, would care, but I don't think about it at all.
	I mean, it's funny how the news puts something in front of you to care about.
	Every night there's a billion children that go to billion people go to bed hungry.
	Yeah.
	But then we decide like this is a march for this or this, now the Ukraine thing.
	All very important stuff.
	But it's like, there's always, there's never a march for starving children.
	There's never, there's always some horrible things happening.
	It kind of numbs you out.
	Like, what are we doing?
	What is CNN telling me I need to be worried about today?
	Because there's horror everywhere.
	Which is the horror we're going to focus on now?
	It was like, you know, Black Lives Matter for a while, then it went to COVID.
	Now it's on Ukraine.
	It's like, okay, there's going to be a next thing.
	People are getting burnt out of it, I think.
	Do you think that?
	Ukraine or COVID?
	All of the whole thing.
	Like, hey, this news fear, the value of getting all this information is we don't care, but at the same time, we are addicted to it.
	I know.
	So that's the tough part.
	Well, that's the thing where people, you get on a team, you feel like it's part of your identity.
	You're like, you know, I'm part of this cause, which is good.
	You know, it's all good stuff to help problems.
	But shouldn't like the number one cause every day be like, there's starving children dying.
	Right.
	Like, that should be our number one top story.
	And then we'll go, okay, this other thing.
	But we're, you know, that's not how it is.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	And I wonder, like, people don't even care about things like Santa that much or anything.
	No one cares about Santa anymore.
	No crazy.
	Nobody talks about him.
	Isn't that crazy?
	Yeah.
	Like, he's mad.
	Comes everyone's presence.
	Yeah.
	Are you worried about the future?
	Yes.
	I would assume since you asked that question, you're worried about it.
	Yeah.
	I guess I am.
	I'm just worried about it used to feel really neat to be human.
	And I don't know if we as a society value it enough more than the people in or the people in control value it enough as much as they value like power and money.
	And so they're willing to sacrifice everything.
	They're willing to let it really whittle away.
	You know what I think the underlying problem to all that is?
	Is we don't taste death.
	It sounds incongruous.
	It doesn't seem like that tracks, but the fact that we are the first species where we know we're going to die, like of course you have to put that species on medication.
	If you just went to another planet and like, here's a species I just found out, they'd have to be very religious.
	Because it's just too psychologically upsetting.
	And then you have this energy, you're pushing that down.
	You got to focus it on something else.
	Like we do.
	Cultures like ours that idolize celebrity are generally the most unhappy.
	And it's generally the most, they most push away death.
	I mean, those two things are equally correlated.
	There's other cultures that they bring the dead out and then it's a whole thing for a long time.
	And they're less stressed out in general and they don't understand celebrity as much or revere it.
	It's kind of like an immortal thing when you think about celebrity.
	It's like this way of like, see, we live forever, but everything's so incredibly temporary.
	Yeah, we don't really tap into the reality of it.
	We create this kind of pseudo-reality of life through celebrity or of longevity through celebrity.
	Is that what you're saying?
	Yeah, and I'm kind of torn because it's also like, yeah, we should distract ourselves.
	It's such a, I don't know, go back and forth.
	Yeah.
	You're on a roller coaster and then you're like told, oh, at the end is a brick wall and you don't know when it's going to come and have and enjoy yourself.
	Yeah.
	That's kind of what we're having to deal with.
	And so we're on pills.
	Yeah.
	Do you think that?
	Oh, I was going to ask you this.
	Oh, this is what I thought about aliens visiting the play.
	Oh, right.
	Aliens.
	I thought that aliens just come by.
	It's almost like when your mom's like, I'm going to take you to the I'm going to take you to the local zoo or whatever, you know?
	Yeah.
	And alien kids are like, fuck, mom, I don't want to go to that dump, you know?
	And it's like sometimes there's still people going over to see Earth.
	It's like they're so advanced, but every now and then, like some shitty family brings their kids over, like, oh, well, look, you know, Mars is full.
	You know, they got a line over at Neptune.
	You know, dad couldn't get tickets to Saturn, so we're going to run them over here.
	Way better than those.
	Right, I agree.
	But I think in any other world they want to go to.
	So they're like, oh, fuck, mom.
	We got to go all the way over to Earth.
	And we drive all the way there.
	The parents are like, or fly, you know, in their flying driver.
	And then they get there and they're like, oh, fuck, mom, this place sucks, you know?
	So they don't even land anymore.
	They didn't bother to land.
	Okay.
	They don't even land anymore.
	They're just like, oh, fuck, this guy.
	This guy's over here jerking it off and tasting it at the park.
	Yeah.
	This guy doesn't, you know, this guy hates Santa.
	It's all like this guy over here is Uncle Albert.
	Like, mom, this place is a fucking dump.
	You know, we got to get the F out of here, mom.
	It's like, all right, we'll leave.
	Let me at least burn this lady's womb over here just to fucking let them know we were here.
	And then they send out one little torch flame and they jet.
	I've seen the TikTok videos and the, and I don't know what it is.
	And I definitely know I don't have all the answers.
	Here's what I think it is.
	Okay.
	I think it's a multi-dimensional thing.
	Things popping in.
	It's my guess.
	Not like people visiting because it's just so far away.
	Right.
	And then not to contact.
	It seems like more of like an anomaly.
	Because, you know, there's a lot of evidence that there's like a multi-dimensions, right?
	Like they don't know where gravity, there's a lot of gravity missing that they're like, maybe that's folded into dimensions or something.
	Yeah.
	I don't know anything about this, but I'm just going to believe that.
	No, man.
	Look, I think you're really, really smart, man.
	Lucians believe Yogans were aliens trying to reach Earth.
	Scientists make message to send Earth's location to aliens, ignoring Stephen Hawkins' warning.
	Okay, let's zoom in on that on the font.
	Yeah, there's that Tic Tac video.
	That's crazy.
	I saw when I was a kid a UFO just like that way high in there, two like Tic-Tac-y things that were making no noise and they were engaged with each other.
	I don't know what it was.
	It was look that kind of thing, probably, but I don't know what it is.
	But I wouldn't say, I don't know, I just, I don't know.
	And this here says science have designed a radio message to be beamed in a deep space that reveals Earth's location.
	Ah, yeah, that might be a bad idea.
	Yeah, and that's and somebody's going to sponsor it or something too.
	It'll be like, oh, this is brought to you by Wiener Schnitzel.
	You know, it'll be like, yeah, this is horrible.
	Somebody's going to hear it and be like, fuck, Wiener Schnitzel.
	We sent out that one thing.
	Remember a year?
	I think it's on Voyager 1. Yeah, we've got that record, that gold record.
	Remember that?
	And it's embarrassing now.
	The shit we sent out was not horrible.
	Yeah.
	It's bad music.
	Every five years they send this shit out.
	It's bad.
	Yeah, that had Nelly on it.
	It had Nelly on it.
	I think Chingy was on it.
	Every five years they send out something.
	It's like horrible.
	Yeah, it was like the Duke's a Hazzard show or something.
	It was a sweet old boy.
	Yeah, it was a couple of early episodes of Just the 10 of Us.
	No, it was Small Wonder that girl was like a robot they sent out.
	It was like, here's the TV shows we do.
	Dude, Melissa Joan Hart came to one of my shows.
	Dude, I met her once.
	I think I got to meet her afterwards.
	I don't remember outside, but she seemed really sweet.
	I met Paris Jackson last night.
	She was really nice.
	Dude, I met her.
	She's so sweet.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Melissa Joan Hart.
	You big fan of the witch movie?
	I mean, I just remember.
	I was just, it was just neat that she came, you know, that she came out.
	She's a fan, big fan.
	Yeah, she loves a lot of comedy.
	And she came out, man.
	She came out.
	It was in Nashville.
	She lives in a hometown that I grew up in.
	And I go, oh, I love that Sherwood diner.
	And she said, I got food poisoning there and barfed in their bathroom.
	Oh, yeah.
	Dude, I remember.
	Oh, let's bring up that alien article real quick.
	I want to go through that deal.
	Alrighty then.
	UFOs left radiation burns and unaccounted for pregnancies.
	This is what I heard recently.
	Now, this seems dumb because can't you just do the DNA test and know it's not human?
	There we go.
	Encounters with UFOs have reportedly left Americans suffering from radiation burns, brain and nervous system damage, and even unaccounted for pregnancy.
	That's the part that some chicks are just tacking on just to get out of, I think, probably interracial relationships and shit.
	It just seems like a very easy thing to figure out.
	And if you're telling your dad.
	23 and me.
	Yeah.
	Figure that out.
	Yeah, if you get 23 and me back and it has like a, you know, like Sector 5. Zuckerborg 1. I'm 8% Zuckerberg won.
	The database includes more than 1,500 pages of UFO-related material.
	Do you believe they ever found something and hit it?
	That's what I'm just going to ask you point blank.
	I don't want to beat around the bush anymore.
	All right.
	No, I don't.
	I think they found some military, like, advanced stuff.
	But I don't know.
	I would say this is a guess.
	I don't know.
	I just don't think it's likely that a spacecraft made of material flew, you know, at least four and a half light years, closest solar system.
	We're not getting any radio signals from that.
	We're not getting any radio signals from anything in our view.
	Okay.
	So it has to travel hundreds of light years, which I mean, you take, you shoot a light at the laser at the moon.
	It takes like a second to get, second and a half to get there.
	Right.
	It took us, I don't know, like a week to get there, going 18,000 miles an hour.
	Yeah.
	Now for a hundred years go that fast.
	And then you finally get to, and you can't even go that fast because your mass will be infinite.
	So you have to go close to it.
	That's why I think it's jumping through wormholes or something else.
	Right, okay.
	So you're saying there's some.
	The distance, if you really get it, there's some tectonics and this going on.
	Exactly.
	Just some interstellar tectonics.
	Interstellar tectonics.
	You're a smart guy, man.
	I wonder if we covered everything.
	Was there any other good question that came in for Kyle?
	Any other real ripper you wanted to get to?
	Okay.
	I'll answer any question.
	Pull up one more for him, huh?
	Let's get one more.
	Oh, this guy's got a good hair game.
	Yeah, here we go.
	Yo, Theo, gang, gang.
	Yo, baby.
	Thanks for the message.
	Wanted to ask your guest, if the election were today, would you vote for Trump, considering that he's talking about running again, or Biden if he were to actually survive this presidency?
	Or do you have someone else that you would rather lampoon?
	Yeah, that's my question.
	Gang gang.
	Gang gang, man.
	Could you imagine if Trump and Biden went head to head again?
	Could you even what it would even be like at that point?
	It's all turning into a strange show.
	Yeah, and it's a very real question.
	Will he live?
	I mean, I've never been more concerned about a health of a president.
	Unbelievable.
	He doesn't even seem like a well grandfather.
	Yeah.
	You'd be worried about grandpa.
	Like, I've had grandfathers that seem kind of well, you know, and you're like, he doesn't seem that like that right now.
	Yeah.
	Biden does not seem well.
	So if, but what are they going to do?
	Not have him run again?
	That's what they would do, probably.
	I've never heard the president, a president make this sound during a speech.
	What if Biden dies off?
	Will you have a funeral for the character?
	What will you do?
	Maybe I'll do Ghost Biden.
	I don't know.
	I just pulled that out.
	I like it.
	I don't know.
	How do you do Biden?
	Can you shoot with me real fast?
	Come on, man.
	It's like, hey, he's got a few.
	He's got like a little thing here.
	And he's like, come on, man.
	Hyde MacMahon.
	Do it.
	Come on, man.
	Look, look, look.
	Not the thing.
	The thing, man.
	Come on.
	The guy.
	Come on.
	Come on, guy.
	The thing.
	Hey.
	The guy without the shirt.
	He's a bad dude, man.
	He's a bad dude.
	He's a bad dude, man.
	Maybe I think an audience can guess whether I'm doing, I'm going, or you're going.
	Don't tell them.
	All right.
	Come on, man.
	He's a bad dude.
	Come on, man.
	He's a bad dude.
	Maybe underneath the video they could write.
	All right.
	Let's try it one more time.
	All right.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Hey, what are you doing over there, guys?
	Come on, man.
	The Jukra.
	Not the Jewkrane.
	The other thing, man.
	Okay, put your comments below.
	Yeah, what do you think?
	Who was who?
	Don't cheat.
	Covered a screen from the beginning.
	Now we're telling them all the rules and posts.
	That'll be laid out of the world.
	Kyle Dunnegan, man.
	One of the most entertaining minds in the world.
	And this guy's on the wife hunt, too.
	I want to put it out there for you.
	I think it's done.
	Like, I can't imagine that.
	I don't know who you are.
	You don't want to family?
	No, I do, but I don't know how.
	I'm not social.
	I don't know how this would even...
	And you're like, what's your name?
	I think that could maybe happen.
	It seems like a long shot.
	Do you eat cottage cheese?
	No.
	But I also think I'm probably a, I must be an odd person to date.
	It must be odd.
	No.
	I'm sure you're good.
	Just putting on wigs all day?
	I bet some woman is going to absolutely.
	Someone's into that.
	Okay.
	Do you would you do you do like a horseback riding?
	Do you do a good date?
	What do you do?
	Do you do you know I go all out.
	I think I do I think I am a good date.
	You know, I listen and I like to plan some.
	I'll pay.
	You know, that's a, that's a plus right there when a guy pays.
	It's huge.
	But I've had some very real dates.
	I was on a date with girl and we're at this restaurant.
	She's on her phone the whole time.
	I took a picture of her on her phone and I texted it to her.
	I thought that'd be funny.
	You know, you texted yourself on the phone and then you'd go like, oh, sorry.
	But she goes, oh, I do look cute.
	She thought I was saying like, you're cute.
	And I was like, I'll get out of here.
	Wow.
	I had another.
	Anyway, I'll go down.
	Yeah.
	It's funny.
	I went on to, yeah, it's tough, man.
	It's tough figuring out what to do with your.
	It's tough figuring out.
	As you get older, too, it gets a little bit tougher, too.
	It does.
	You get set in your ways.
	Exactly.
	I've not lived with someone in a long time.
	But I can't complain.
	Everything is good.
	And I also, sometimes I'm like, boy, I'm glad there isn't like screaming children here right now.
	A lot of times, it seems like my friends sometimes are like, dude, you're so.
	Shitty diaper.
	What do you mean?
	Was that Biden?
	Yeah.
	Oh, nice, dude.
	Nice, dude.
	Nice, dude.
	Thanks, man.
	Well, Kyle Dunan, you guys can check out his show.
	It comes out when it wants to come out.
	But it's got a great channel on YouTube.
	Also, I'm doing a tour right now.
	So if people want to go to tour, if you're at kyldunagan.com, come see me.
	I'm on the West Coast, Tempe, Arizona, too.
	Ooh, beautiful.
	We'll put that in.
	I have a lot of friends that have gone to see you and enjoyed it.
	I love it.
	Getting back out there.
	What's your show like?
	Is it just stand-up?
	It's all over the place.
	No, like, I'll play the piano.
	I do like, I actually project onto the screen the impressions and stuff.
	Okay.
	Yeah, I'm trying to bring a bunch of different stuff to it.
	So it's a real full throttle, huh?
	Yeah, kind of the show I do on YouTube.
	Kind of starting to do that.
	Because that's what people want to see.
	Usually that come to see me now will want to see impressions.
	And what about Kirp?
	Is he out there?
	Kirp does stand up.
	Yeah, he's out and about.
	Any other characters can hit the road with you?
	I'll zoom Jessica and Kirp in and John in.
	Beautiful.
	It's great.
	Kyle Dungan, man.
	Dude, you're so good to get to spend time with you, man.
	And thank you so much for making me laugh, especially through all the freaking weird world as we wait for aliens to come and pick us up.
	You too.
	You too.
	How great that we can hang out and laugh.
	I don't know how I got into this business or whatever.
	I don't remember deciding to do it, but I know.
	It's so psyched.
	Like, I'd be so bad in an office.
	Would you?
	I did it for years and I got fired.
	I got fired all the time.
	People like Kyle.
	I worked for this.
	She does the taxes for the Rockefellers.
	All I had to do was do Yeah.
	I just had to do copying.
	And she brought me to the office and she goes, you do terrible work.
	And I was just a copy boy.
	And I was like 24?
	Dude, I remember actually, I used to mail forms.
	My job was mailing forms, right?
	Form mailer, right?
	And I did a bunch of mushrooms or LSD one time and went in there, right?
	This is insane, bro.
	And it was my girlfriend's mom.
	This was in high school.
	I got stripped down, got completely naked, right?
	Okay.
	Although it's not even half of it.
	So I walk out of the workplace.
	I walk out of the workplace.
	The second that two women see me naked walking out of the workplace.
	I'm fired immediately, right?
	So I'm so fucked up.
	I didn't know.
	Got into my car, 84 Ford Escort with a missing passenger seat.
	Somebody stole it.
	And I get home anyway, finish.
	The drugs wear off, blah, blah, blah.
	Lose my job.
	But here's the crazy part.
	A week later, one of our company, one of our associate companies in New Mexico got all my clothes in a box.
	How crazy is that?
	Did you mail them?
	Yeah, I mailed them to them.
	That is an insane story.
	You knew you were naked at your office.
	Or you didn't know.
	You were so high, you didn't know you were naked?
	When I do heavy drugs, I get real Native American.
	So I go back to the roots.
	Yeah, I get back to like, we don't need this.
	We don't need this common thread of, you know, this Brit, this fucking, this British guard.
	We don't need this.
	So your story, though, like, you deserve to be fired.
	And like, that's cool.
	And you were like, I was trying really hard to make copies and I got fired.
	You were having a good time.
	I mean, I don't know what I was doing, man, but we were both somehow inadvertently, though, we didn't know it looking for something different.
	Yeah.
	There was a part of us that was like, I'm going to fuck this up.
	I think so.
	I think I was like, no, I'm never going to do it.
	I can't do this.
	So this compadre ends up at the right bull of guacamole.
	A guacamole.
	Yeah.
	I also look up just, I'm sure you too, like just lucky things happened.
	I mean, maybe unlucky things happened too.
	You wouldn't even know.
	Did you ever have a pregnancy scare out there once you did get active and fertile?
	No.
	I mean, I've had like condoms break where that, and then like morning after pill or something like that, but it never was like a girl was like, I'm late.
	That's never happened to me.
	Did you ever have a thing where you're pretty protective?
	Are you?
	You wear a lot of condoms, huh?
	I don't fuck around.
	Really?
	Unless I'm like in a relationship for a while or like I've done STD tests with ladies and that's another way to go.
	But I don't know.
	Have you just ever winged it in what manner?
	In a sexual manner with a woman and just said, I'm just going to assume this woman doesn't have an STD and I'm not going to use a protective.
	I've put it in order and I shouldn't.
	But I've gotten tests after and I have been, I've lucked out.
	Wouldn't it be crazy if there was somebody who could put their penis inside of a woman and then guess or not if they had an STD and get it right every time?
	That would be such a waste of an amazing talent.
	It would be a waste.
	Really?
	Why a waste?
	Would you go on the road with that and make money?
	How do you monetize that?
	Bring Stephanie up here.
	You just pick people out of the crowd.
	Yeah, you have herpes.
	You got, yeah.
	I don't know.
	It'd be something, man.
	I'm just saying there's a way out there for everybody to make money.
	There's a way to make money.
	Yeah.
	Absolutely.
	So stay alive, folks.
	Don't give up on yourself.
	No, do not.
	Have a good time.
	Let's have a good time.
	Yeah.
	In the moment, they say that.
	Stay in the moment, babe.
	It's all that you have.
	That's all.
	All right.
	We'll see you guys next time.
	Peace.
	Now, I'm just floating on the breeze.
	And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind.
	I found I can feel it in my bones.
	But It's gonna take a little time for me to sell that parking break and let myself on my shine and tell you a story.
	Shine on me And I will find a song I've been sitting just fool too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my past.
	And these wheels that I've been riding on, they won't so thin that they're damn near gone.
	I guess now they just weren't built a land.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Hi, Sweetheart.
	Please, deal.
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	Charmaine.
	Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	Oh, no!
	Oh!
	I think Tom Hanks just buttiled me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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