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Music: “Come Over” by Stevie Starlight
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbfQri3Nv3M
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Happy to be alive.
That's how I feel.
That's how I try to feel most of the time.
I just try to remind myself, hey, man, happy, happy to be alive, you know.
When I get to open my eyes, it's like, okay, they want me back, you know.
That's how I feel a lot of times.
Like, in the morning, when I open my eyes, it's like, all right, God wants me back, you know, or they want to, you know, they want to run it back, okay?
I made it, you know.
I think that's how I feel in the morning when I open my eyes.
Like, yeah, okay, I'm, they got called up again.
What's going on?
Happy day to you.
I got that big hair today, baby.
I can feel it.
I feel it.
Because I knew when I parked and walked into the building that I saw a bird look at me.
I saw a bird.
Because birds move their neck and it's so quiet.
You know, it just, it's so severe and quiet.
A bird can't slowly move its neck.
You notice that?
A bird has to be either at like 12 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 3 o'clock, 10 o'clock, 11.15.
But a bird can't just slowly migrate like 11.15, 11.16, 11.17, 11. A bird can't slowly move its neck.
But anyway, I saw a bird look at my head and I knew it was thinking, it was like, you know, having nest thoughts.
I just felt that bird looked, I knew it was thinking, oh, damn, look at that fella.
That boy's got a damn Hampton in on his neck.
That's what he, when he saw this big hair, he's thinking, oh, that boy, that fella's got a fair field in in sweets that I'd like to sleep in.
I could just feel that bird looking at me, and that's when you know you got big hair.
That's when you know that I got that teepee today.
I got that wig whom.
My shit is Native American.
I got that, literally that wig wham.
And I'm having reservations.
I'm always having reservations.
But yeah, I wake up and I'm like, oh, right when I wake up, I'm like, all right, life must want me back.
And it's the same for you guys, man.
Life wants you back.
Life wants you here today.
You know, life, life, God, the powers, the deities of the universe made a choice and they said yes to you today.
And that's beautiful.
You know, that is a welcome mat.
You know, when you open your eyes, that's a welcome mat from the gods, really.
It's exactly what that is, baby.
Gang, baby, praise God.
And yeah, let's get into it.
Come on.
Come on.
Enjoy the destination.
Fantasy.
Painting on the wall.
It's never too late to come over.
Time slips away from you and me now.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
I don't know.
That audio felt low to me a little, but maybe it's could have been just me.
That is Come Over by Stevie Starlight.
And if you're not familiar with that little dang, the cinnamon bear of the universe, that is Stevie Starlight, then go get you a dose.
Go have Mother Nature cut you up a grandma, Stevie Starlight, baby, and put that in your snout alufiga, son.
You'll be on Yesime Street, bro, in no time, dog.
He's a beautiful listen and a beautiful man, Stevie Starlight.
What's going on?
A lot.
You know, it's been a, There's a couple things I can tell you about.
You know, I've had, oh, I want to tell you actually that we have some new tour dates coming.
I do want to announce them because I'm excited.
Return of the Rat is heading to Albuquerque, New Mexico.
We will be there May 18th.
Midland, Texas, May 19. Lubach, Texas, May 20. And Dallas, Texas, May 21. Right there, beautiful.
Also, Savannah, Georgia.
We want to come and see you and see how you're doing and take your temperature.
Do that rectal material.
That's June 2nd, Savannah, GA.
Augusta, GA, June 3rd.
June 4, Montgomery, Alabama.
And June 5, Columbus, Georgia.
So there you go.
Some beautiful choices.
Excited to be going to those places.
And you can get tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
And those will be on sale for our Patreon on Tuesday, April 5th at 10 a.m.
local.
We have a small Patreon, but we are very grateful to them for their support over the years.
And then the artist pre-sale that goes on sale on Wednesday, April 6th at 10 a.m.
local time.
And that is Rat King.
And so very grateful to you guys for supporting me.
And then the general on sale will be Friday, April 8th at 10 a.m.
local time.
So Wednesday, April 6th, you can start to get them on Rat King will be the code.
And I'm excited about that, man.
I'm excited.
You know, the world feels weird right now.
It feels, and I might be the only one.
I don't know.
But to me, something feels, it feels, I don't know.
It feels disjointed some.
You know, it feels like, and I don't know if it's the world or if it's just like our society or if it's just America even.
You know, but things just feel strange out there.
You know, is it just me or does it, everything has a little bit of a Halloween edge, I feel like.
Like stores, some stores, they don't have anybody even there.
You know, they're like, you know, stores don't have employees.
We're understaffed.
You know, you get through your Chipotle and you get to the end of the line and it's like they hired some person who's never even worked before.
Like has had, you know, and they don't even know what to do.
They're just standing there just eating guacamole.
They have no idea.
You ask them anything.
They kind of go, they get scared.
Like they're like a vampire seeing sunlight, you know?
They're just some, I mean, there's just some, I don't know what's going on in the world.
Yeah, I guess the they say the workforce something is going on.
There's not a lot of workforce.
Let me look that up.
So I'm not just, is there a workforce shortage?
There we go.
In 2021, more than 47 million workers quit their jobs.
Many of whom were in search of improved work-life balance and flexibility, increased compensation, and a strong company culture.
Huh.
Yeah, and I don't know how factual this is.
You know, this could be, this is U.S. Chamber of Commerce.
So we have no idea if it's legitimate or not, but I do notice you go play.
Bro, I walked into a store the other day and the guy, it was like a little grocery store.
And the guy asked me to work for like 30 minutes.
He's like, can you just help out for like 30 minutes?
I'm like, dude, I'm just trying to get some limes, bro.
I'm just here for, I needed two limes.
And I'm like, bro, I just trying to get some limes.
I mean, I used to work checkout, you know, I used to do, I mean, I know bananas code is 4011, but I'm here for limes.
I'm not here to work, you know?
Like, that's how strange it's getting that they're just, if you're even in a place, they're asking you to work, it feels like.
Which is exciting.
I mean, at least it's great.
And, you know, I guess I'm lucky that I don't have to take that, you know, 30 minutes.
I don't need that employment at that half hour mark.
But damn, it's just, it feels like the wild.
I don't know if it feels like the wild west.
And then where is everybody?
That's another thing.
You're like, if nobody's working, where is, what's going on?
I don't know.
And then you start thinking, are people bots?
Are you running into bots?
You know, I watch people when they get in their car a lot of times if they're leaving me because that's when I figure a bot would have the toughest time.
Because there's a lot of little intricacies when you get into a vehicle.
And I don't think a bot could do that real easily.
You know, you could easily see a bot like, oh, I like the sunglasses, you know.
But if you're running into like a bot human, I think if you watch them get in their car, they would have to really do it good.
I'm happy.
I'm, it's Tuesday, you know?
So, I don't know.
It's just getting everything feels strange out there.
And it feels kind of lawless.
You know, it feels lawless.
It feels like the, you know, people are just running red lights.
It doesn't, you know, it's like fucking, I'm running red lights.
I mean, I'm running stops.
It's just like people are doing what they want.
That's what it feels like.
It feels like people are just doing what they want.
And I don't know.
Maybe that's just, and it could just be my area, you know?
But we have like the police live in fear.
They're afraid it feels like to do their jobs.
I don't know.
A lot of fear out there.
A lot of fear out there.
And I'm sure you know that.
I'm not trying to be a downer.
Just kind of saying, I guess, what's been happening.
Or just things I've been thinking about.
What else, dude?
I went with David Spade over to the Oscars after parties.
And that was interesting.
You know, and fuck Oscars, man.
Yeah, you know, I don't like all of that shit.
You know, I don't like Hollywood or much of it.
But getting to go with him and stuff like that was real interesting.
And I was over at his house.
We watched the Oscars at David's home.
And they had the Chris Rock got hit.
And I was thinking about that.
And I think there was, so many people have talked about it, right?
And that is what it is.
But I think there was like a moment where part of the anger was that here you have somebody who's just saying something, right?
Chris Rock.
Now, I get he's jabbing at the guy's wife.
I get that.
But also, he's a comedian.
He should be able to do that.
Or he should be able to take his risks.
And I felt like it was a calculated risk.
It felt super safe.
But there was something about how you saw a guy walk up because he didn't like what somebody else said.
Or for whatever reason.
It's hard to really know the reason that Will Smith had in his head.
People said all kinds of stuff.
He was gay and out or he was gayed out.
People said his wife was, you know, they have a, you know, they do foster cocking or whatever.
Or when people can make love to your wife, you know, foster cocks.
I don't know what it is.
They do foster cocks?
Or cock fostering.
I don't know what it is.
I'm not going to look it up either because I have a blocker on my computer.
But yeah, so they said, so anyway, but there was a guy who said something and then you saw somebody, a rich guy, another rich guy, come and hit him and then get an award for it.
And it just kind of felt like, this is where I ended up really feeling the most anger at the end of it all.
Was it was just really towards Hollywood, towards the Oscars, towards the whole fucking machine of all that shit.
It was like, hey, somebody can hit somebody else.
They can do whatever they want.
They could say this man can speak or not speak.
And we'll give that guy an award.
And then, this is the craziest part.
All of Hollywood will stand there and applaud the guy as if the fucked up thing he did didn't even happen.
And it was kind of like a microcosm, I think, of everything that's been going on.
You know?
So many people feel like their reality is neglected by Hollywood.
That since Hollywood owns a lot of the media and mainstream media, that they just, that they're so powerful that if they want to act like something didn't happen, they can just brush right over it, which they do all the time.
Pick and choose what they think or when they think something is important or what they think is important.
So I think there was a lot of that in there for me.
And I hope Chris Rock sues the Oscars.
I would sue the Oscars.
I would sue everybody in that bitch.
You know?
That's what I would do.
Because, yeah, they just, that's what it was for me.
It was like, here's this powerful machine saying once again, oh, we determine how if the way you see things is real or not, almost.
Or we think we determine it.
Because we all saw somebody hit somebody and then get an award, then give an insane speech and get a standing ovation.
It was like they were trying to make us believe that it didn't happen in a way.
Which goes along with the whole pandemic thing.
All of that ties in there.
Like, oh, you're going to make me.
You're really trying to bend me out of the fact that reality is happening.
So anyway, that's kind of where some of that landed for me.
And maybe that's obtuse, kind of, but maybe it's not, dude.
I'm just here for limes.
Okay?
I walked in here for two limes, and now I'm an assistant manager.
That's what's going on.
What else?
What else is happening?
I know that Chris Rock shit is old news.
And it was wild because Spade took me to a fancy party.
You know, he took me to a fancy party, dude.
Everybody was in that bitch.
Kardashians, fucking Kevin Bacons was in there.
Everybody was in that.
Leonardo, DiCaprio, and Da Vinci.
Both of them were, I mean, they had seancing in one room.
They had damn spirits coming out of the back.
Christopher Columbus was in that bitch.
Everybody was in there.
I think Kobe showed up for a half hour.
It was, they were, that's how fancy it was.
They were recollecting people and they were showing up.
You know, Ed Asner was in that bitch.
Who else?
I don't even know anybody else.
I think I saw Jesus over there by the getting some watermelon punch.
I mean, it was, they had everybody in there, you know, or a lot of fancy names.
That's who they had in there.
But that was just fun, kind of just to see how the other half lives, you know.
I mean, Hollywood really scares me, and it has for a while just because they, you know, once you work for people, you're not allowed to have a lot of your own thoughts.
And I think we all fear, there's a lot of fear out there for that kind of stuff.
Am I allowed to really express what I really feel or really am thinking?
When these powerful companies and machines, they just, they'll try to manipulate stuff or just gloss over things that seem very real just to have things the way that they believe they should be.
Anyway, I'm kind of rambling, man.
What else?
I went out to interview Sugar Sean out there.
He's a UFC guy, fighter guy.
And I did that out in Phoenix.
And he's a real villain of the UFC, kind of in a weird way.
You know, he have that villainous side.
He's like this.
I don't want to say he's like a carnival snake, kind of.
He's not a snake.
He's like.
I don't know.
I can't tell if he, sometimes if he's trolling things or if he's just being himself, you know, and he's just, he's very open.
You know, he's in an open relationship.
He's very open about exactly what he thinks and feels.
He's a pretty fascinating guy to be around.
And so I was grateful to get to go over there and hang out with him and just spend some time with him.
What else is going on?
What's going on with me?
You know, I've been honestly feeling like a lot of fear recently in my own life.
Just uncertainty.
You know, I've been having such a tough time making decisions.
Even just the smallest ones.
It's like, man, I'm just so afraid.
Something inside of me is so afraid to decide.
And I don't know if it's I'm afraid that I'll make the wrong choice.
As much as it is, maybe there's just part of me that's just afraid to commit.
I don't know.
I'm just kind of thinking about that.
If it's one or the other, you know.
Am I afraid to commit or am I just afraid to decide?
If I'm afraid of making the wrong choice or am I afraid of committing?
It's interesting how those, because those two things are really big and different, but both of those are parts of making a decision.
So I've been struggling with that a lot.
You know, I've been feeling kind of a little bit unsafe and uncertain in the world.
And so maybe that also adds to the fact of me feeling like the world is all over the place.
And some of that I think, you know, I'm still off my, I'm still not taking antidepressants.
So I'm still trying to stay off of them.
You know, and I'm going to, I guess, just keep seeing how that can work or not.
You know, I'm in contact with doctors and that sort of thing and doing therapy.
But I'm just, you know, I'm trying to be brave in that instance because I don't want, I just, I really don't want to go back on them.
You know, I finally got this lid of these medicine lid, this medicine hat off of my head.
And so so much more feelings and thoughts could come out.
And I think part of me has really been enjoying getting some of that out of my system.
You know, just getting whatever that turmoil is, that dirty bubble.
That it's like a sick chowder that's just been sitting in a damn crock pot.
And y'all just want to empty that shit out.
Because it affects how my cafeteria smells.
You know what I'm saying?
It affects how the rat, because, you know, if I can get the gunk out of the engines, if I can get the nastiness, if I can get whatever's stuck in that S drain or whatever it's called or P curve or whatever, and shout out to all my plumbers out there, but if I can get the S trap or whatever it is, then I can feel like I'll have a smoother flow inside of me.
And that's been that whole journey with the ayahuasca and the staying off antidepressants.
And we'll talk about more of it.
I want to tell you also, though, right now, we got to pay the bills.
I want to say that everybody have different fitness goals.
You might have some.
Yours might be able to be, you want to be able to do a lift up your grandson or something.
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You also, you got to know about the zebra, baby.
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All right.
What else is happening?
What's happening with you guys?
What's happening with you?
You know, it's funny.
Sometimes I sit and I think about you, actually.
I think about you listening to this.
and who you are.
I just, one day, I just want you to know that.
I think about that sometimes.
I think, well, I'm saying stuff and it's leaving out of here and it's going into someone's ears, into someone's time.
And that's important to me.
You know?
Yeah.
I want to just say thank you.
And I'll try to do a better job or as good of a job as I can of valuing the fact that you spend your time.
You, you know, you let me up in them ear holes.
You know what I'm saying, player?
You know what I'm saying?
No, my dog.
But, you know what I'm saying?
I'm in both those bitches right now, baby.
We got a gangbang going on your brain, son, right now.
Somebody better put a condom on these words, baby, because we fucking getting in there on both sides of it.
no, I just want to say thank you that that means something to me, you know, that I think about you.
You know, I want to...
You know, we had this call come in, which I thought was nice.
Let's hear this here.
Thank you.
My name is Alyssa, and I live in Utah.
I was just living in Utah.
And good to hear from you.
You sound like a woman.
You sound good.
I was just listening to your Brother We Love podcast, and you were talking about autism.
And I have a 15-year-old son that has autism.
It's kind of nonverbal.
But when he was diagnosed about 14 years ago, what you were talking about is what kind of pulled me through his diagnosis.
It was like I came to this conclusion that he had skills that were needed for the future.
Our technology has gone so far, so fast, and his brain was so fast.
Oh, yeah.
You got that computer, baby, darling.
You know?
You got that little digital toddler, baby, or adult toddler now, onward.
And intelligent.
And I was like, you know, these are the kids that our future is going to need to carry us through.
And so I just want to thank you for that.
It was amazing.
Thank you so much for confirming what I thought 15 years ago from other people are kind of thinking now.
Oh, well, you're welcome.
Yeah, I don't know why.
I just, yeah, I'm glad that you have your son.
And I'm glad that you obviously have a commitment to raising him and to being a part of his life and to finding ways to see him that make y'all's relationship as important and as valuable as it can be to you.
Yeah, I think it's, I think literally in the, you know, in 100 years, it's going to be 11 people with autism battling a computer to see if humanity carries on.
I could easily see that.
And it's all, yeah.
And an Amazon van shows up and drops off the web, whatever weapons they're going to use.
And that'll be it.
You know, a referee, will there even be a referee?
There probably will.
Probably somebody from New York, Habokan or something, you know, some guy or from, you know, you know, you know, some maybe a boat captain or somebody like that.
Somebody who's a little gruff, you know, who's going to call it like it is.
You know, who's just going to, you know, who's going to take some smoke breaks, though, also.
You're going to need that ref that's not afraid to fucking sit out there and puff it out.
But thank you.
Thank you for calling in and thank you for being a mother.
We need them out there.
What else?
You guys had some calls about things that are going on in my life as well.
Here's one that came in.
As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.
I feel a lot of anxiety right now about what to communicate with you guys.
Because it's, you know, there's been a lot kind of just in my head and in my heart.
And so it's tough to know how to get it out and do it in an organized fashion.
All right, let's take this call.
What's up, Phelan?
Gavin from Read Herco.
New Mexico.
What's up, Gavin?
And good to see you, man, from Rio River.
And I never heard of that spot, baby, but I'm glad y'all are shit.
I don't know where that is, baby.
Onward.
So that is.
I had a question about doing the ayahuasca.
I've done a DMC.
Is there anything close to it?
And a DMC only lasts a couple minutes, and you freaking fly through crazy tunnels and meet different people.
Like there's always a guy with a backwards hat in mind.
And I don't know, it's weird.
I've done a handful of times.
It's pretty delightful.
You come out of it.
You just want to hug people.
And you feel so good.
You feel like there's actually an afterlife going through that.
I just wanted to know the similarities with it because it's kind of the same thing.
Thank you for the question there.
I appreciate it.
And, you know, my experience, DMT was very much like somebody kicked you, like beat you in the head with Dave and Busters.
That's what it's like.
It was like two angry gay dudes attacked you at a Dave and Busters.
Because you're seeing all these crazy shapes.
There's a lot of rainbows.
There's some bears.
There's some stuff that look like an orifice or whatever.
It has a very kind of a booty carnival type of dirty, magnificent, colorful.
It's like somebody, it's like God hit you with a mirror, but he hit you hard and he hits you fast.
And the cops showed up.
And all that happened, you know, and the cops are from heaven and hell, and it all happened in a matter of minutes.
That, to me, was DMT.
A lot of that.
And you end up fucking sitting there talking to like an oyster or something.
Just some shit that you're like, I don't know what this is, you know.
They got a koala over there, and he's puffing Winston's, bro.
He's doing his best.
You know, and he's out of work, probably.
You know, Shirchipotle is trying to hire him to work next to that vamp kid who can't handle the freaking.
Oh, you ask him one question.
He's like, oh, he don't know.
I don't know.
I need to sleep.
That was DMT for me, man.
DMT was like somebody took a pinball machine and buried you in it.
They opened the glass up and put you in there, and the game is still going on.
There's still somebody hitting the paddles.
The balls are scooting around.
And it's multi-ball.
Somebody accessed a multi-ball.
So they're all, and then you're just laying, and they put the glass back on, and you're laying in there, face down.
That, to me, is DMT.
That's what DMT was like.
It's a couple minutes.
You come out of it.
You're in Maui.
The guy who's doing it with you, you met at a smoothie stand.
You know, he's a good guy.
He gave you some magnesium.
You know, it is what it is.
Ayahuasca is ayahuasca is like a key, I think.
It's like an invitation.
You take it, you sit there, you're meditating.
There's no party about it.
There's nothing like a we're gonna do this in a back room at a party.
That's not now you can still do it in a back room, but it's more of a experience and it's a longer experience.
And it's really you start to learn about yourself.
You learn some truths about yourself.
You know, I was sitting there and I mean, people are like, did you go to Peru?
Did you go to, you know, Myanmar or whatever?
Like, dude, I did that shit right off the 101, bro.
I did that.
I was probably 180 yards from a Popeye's chicken, you know, in a DSW shoes, dude.
I could see, there were moments in some of my visions and stuff that somebody would, you know, walk by with a damn pair of Birkenstocks on.
So I was, you know, I wasn't out in the abyss, but the environment I was in was really nice in the sense that it had a great shaman and great people doing it.
And I'm sitting in there and you take the medicines and it's almost like your heart starts to dream or think.
And it's really wild because you start to get thoughts that come out of your heart.
Thank you.
It's like your heart gets a brain.
You know, I remember sitting there and you just start to go, it's like a best friend shows up and starts to share stuff with you that you're willing to hear because you usually because you've been suffering with something.
You know?
And so it starts to kind of unearth some of that.
And you go through the different experiences and you're like, man, that was a lot.
You know, I learned a lot of stuff about myself.
It's like therapy, but you don't have to do a lot of the heavy lifting.
I mean, it's like the goddess, you know, like God brings the wood right up to your, you know, the firewood.
You don't have to go out and chop.
You just open the door and it's all firewood.
You can't even see the world.
It's just all your firewood is right there.
And God has chopped it for you.
And so you could, so at that point, it's really an invitation.
It's like, how much do you want to know?
That's what it feels like to me.
How much do you want to know?
My last experience, man, I went and, you know, I'd really been struggling with a lot of stuff about my mother and my relationship with my mother and my inability to have a connection with my mother, a deep connection.
You know, I'd always wanted it.
And so I'm sitting there under the ayahuasca and I've always struggled in relationships, commitment.
I've really always struggled.
And while I'm under this ayahuasca, while I'm in the experience of the medication, I realize that the reason I have trouble getting into a relationship or being committed, well, there's two reasons.
One is that part of me is still waiting for this relationship with my mother to really come through.
There's part of me that's still like this young kid that's still just standing there waiting for his mother to really connect with him.
And so it's really hard for me to make another commitment to another woman.
It's really hard for me.
And I didn't know it was because there's a part of me that's still just literally standing there waiting.
And that sounds kind of crazy, but when you're under the medication, it makes a lot of sense because it really activates the inner child in you.
And you really get to see what the very young you, the formative you, what he or she went through.
And you see why they went through it and how it affected them and then how that affects you now.
It's almost like as an adult, you're a plant.
But on ayahuasca, you get to go back to the seed.
And you get to look in the seed.
And the seed gets to communicate.
The seed communicates with you.
You, the you, the early you, the formative you.
But so it's a lot different in that sense.
You really get to sit there and be with a lot of the things that have made you uncomfortable.
But now you're able to see, okay, this is why I behave this way as an adult because this happened when I was young.
And you always can kind of, in therapy, sometimes you'll talk about those things, but to really have a real connection between them and to really feel that connection is pretty powerful.
And also, it's an invitation in a way because ayahuasca is an invitation because it's really how much of that stuff do you want to learn and go into?
Because it feels like there's a lot of it.
My second experience, I sat there for probably, oh, I can't even tell you.
I mean, just tons of time.
I mean, just, I mean, I was just grieving, just crying.
I was grieving like, you know, when I was 12 or 10, my brother, he got to go live with my grandparents.
And that sounds like a small thing, but it broke my heart.
It broke my heart as a kid that my mother let him go.
It broke, I mean, it really, because he was the closest thing that I felt to love, you know, or to a real friend or something.
And he was my mother and she let him go.
Just do what he wanted.
Like he was an adult.
It just was, and that shit broke my heart, man.
So, but there's a lot of things inside of you that you've been resilient through.
But you're able to go and look at those things and let, kind of let the air out of some of those balloons, you know.
It's like your soul gets to fart, kind of.
You know, you're able to go and unpack a lot of these things that really could have really, and probably had a big effect on your life and how you behave now.
So anyway, it's tough because it's hard for me to go into some of that.
You know, a lot of it's real painful.
I went and spoke with my mom after the holidays about, you know, about some, about a lot of the feelings I was having.
And I, you know, and about how much I felt neglected, really.
And it was hard, man.
I'm glad I was able to give myself a voice, but it was tough because it was also a long time ago, you know, and so you don't want to damage the person you're talking to or upset, you know, you don't, but you do want to share what's going on and what you're feeling and learning.
So that's ayahuasca, man.
If you want ayahuasca, you're going to go down a real, or you could go down, you know, a real rabbit hole, a real invitation to say, okay, how much?
Because you can keep going and doing it.
And that's where I'm at now.
I don't know if I want to go back sometimes right now.
I mean, the last time I went, man, it was cathartic, but it was damn painful, man.
It was painful.
It was cathartic in the way you sit there and, you know, you cry for the things that you get those tears, all the shit that's in you, get it out.
You get it out.
You cook it right up out of your system.
But it's a lot of work.
I mean, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It's like, you know, I would imagine it's like boot camp or something, but for your heart and for your soul and stuff.
So I don't know if that does a good job of explaining it, but that's some of the differences I noticed between them.
One of them is a real, one of them is like going to a carnival and the other one is like going to it's like going into an ocean.
So that's my thoughts on the difference between I think DMT and ayahuasca is ayahuasca can really it can really I mean DMT shows you that you know DMT is like kind of like a firework kind of but ayahuasca is a damn fucking Jesus.
It's a fire.
It's a fire man.
What else do we have that came in?
You know you can always hit the hotline 985-664-9503.
You know, I want to unpack a little bit more of the relationship between myself and my mother and that sort of thing.
I just don't know if I'm if I'm in a space to share some of that and how, you know, I just I want to be make sure that I'm well about it before I kind of share it sometimes, to be fair to myself.
What else we got in here?
Oh, I was talking about a wife hunt.
And that wife hunt, baby, yeah, you know, I would like to have a family.
I would like to have a wife and get me a wife, you know?
And nothing illegal or nothing.
I ain't damn, you know, I ain't kidnapping nobody or nothing like that.
But I would like to have me a real wife.
So I got to start thinking about that.
And now you could, I wouldn't kidnap a woman ever, but you could, if you wanted to, you know, set a butterscotch out there on the concrete or something on the sidewalk, and she come by and get it, a lady get it, and she's eating that bitch, and you still, you hit, you know, you go over there and, you know, maybe give her a little massage or something.
If she's okay with it, you massage her scalp or something.
You know, get that vibe going.
Because that scalp, baby, you massage a woman's head, baby.
That's really the, that's the, the, that's the major tit is a woman's scalp, bro.
The front tits, them bitches are just, those are fucking, um, those are just some red herrings, baby.
Those aren't the real deal.
That master tit is, you feeling a woman's scalp, bro.
That's one thing you learn.
You start massaging or scratching a woman's head a little.
Damn, baby.
That's that master tit, son.
That thing is the real leader.
Them other things, they're just quartz.
But the real leader, dog, is that head.
That's that master tit.
That thing's got a lot of feeling in it.
But them front, them little front bunnies, baby, them little sippers, those little A-cup hitters or whatever, D-cups, whatever they have, those things are fucking that's just that's tricking you.
The master tit is that head.
Praise God.
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Jesus.
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But yeah, any, let me, here's a call.
Hi, Theo.
I wanted to ask, just, I guess, out of curiosity, you've been open recently about wanting to settle down and wanting something more serious.
So I was just wondering if you had any deal breakers, like if you had any, like, for example, do you have like a restriction on an age gap?
Like if somebody, let's say, was around 25 years old and was interested in going out with you or something like that, do you have like a immediate like red flag, like a restriction like with age gaps or anything like that?
Like would you not go out with somebody with more of an age gap, like greater than 10 years or something?
Okay, I see what you're saying.
Ramifications.
That's what you're saying.
You know, I made a list a while back.
I met a lady on a plane and she said, make a list of what you want in a wife, in a straight woman.
And man, I wish I had it on me today.
I don't have it with me.
I'll bring it in next time.
But yeah, do I have an age gap?
I would probably say, you know, you want to be age appropriate.
So probably 25 and up, I think.
You know, I mean, look, my dad, my dad was 38 years older than my mother.
So, so damn, I could see a toddler right now and be like, hey, I'm just trying to gauge their personality, you know.
But, so I want to be age-appropriate, I think, or whatever.
I don't know.
You don't know what love is, but sometimes you do.
So I'd say probably over 25 for sure.
What else?
Hair.
Smart.
Loving.
I would say somebody that likes to, you know, hug and be loving.
Somebody that's going to be a good mother.
That really is key.
I want my children to have a good mother.
Even if, you know, I would hope that things will work out between me and my wife, but I want my children to have the best mother that they can.
Yeah, that is really important to me.
So it's funny.
Sometimes I notice when I'm looking for a wife, this shit got me a little bent up.
When I'm looking for a wife, or when I'm looking for a, you know, looking for attraction or something.
I'm not out there like, you know, sharpening a sword that says wife on it and shit like that.
But, you know, when I am thinking about dating or looking at women or spending my time, my main thought really is, is this woman going to be a good mother?
I think, I mean, I have obviously, oh, there's some attraction things, you know, I would like both eyes.
I don't care that much, but I would love it.
I would like a woman who likes to stay athletic, you know, stay busy, get some sweat going.
Those things are just good for life, You know, and a woman who's understanding because fucking, you know, me, boy, if you listen to this podcast, you know, I need a lot of understanding.
So, those are a couple of things.
I'll bring my list in.
But those are a couple things that I think about.
You know, I look in a woman's eyes a lot of times, and you can see, and when I look at their eyes, I think if I was a child, would I like looking at that woman's eyes?
And that, I know that my wife will have that.
It may sound crazy to some people, but the childhood I had didn't have that comfort in it.
I didn't have that comfort when I, you know, from my mother, from her look.
And so I want my child to have that.
And so that's one thing that I kind of look for, I think.
So yeah, somebody with no eyes probably or that, you know, doesn't have like a warmth in them probably may not be the best fit for me.
You know, that's something that I need or something I would like.
We'll see what God wants, you know, but that's something that I would like.
What else?
Oh, we had another call here that came in.
I know this episode's all over the place, but the truth is I've been all over the place.
You know, I'm still really working to try and feel better, to feel well.
I felt uncertain a lot of times.
And, you know, there's days where I want to do the podcast, but I can't because I don't feel well, if I'm real honest.
And I want to, you know, put my best foot forward.
And sometimes it's hard.
You know, everything's hard.
I'm not complaining, but I'm just saying.
It feels sometimes, I don't know, it feels like this world today, it doesn't feel sometimes like it wants you that much.
I don't know if that's a crazy statement.
I'm not trying to sound cryptic or anything like that.
And it could just be American society.
It could just be LA because I've been out here for 10 days.
So that could also be it.
And honestly, I bet that has a lot to do with it.
Yeah, a couple calls came in.
You know, we had rushed on the topic of, is it okay to have your brother teach you masturbation?
To teach you that touchy-touchy.
That one-hand touch.
You know what I'm saying?
That seek and go seek.
You know what I'm saying?
That singular freeze tag.
You know what I'm saying?
You're red.
You know what's going on, baby.
Yaking off.
Yakking off.
Yakking off.
I think it'd be funny if when people said jacking off, they had to close their eyes when they said it.
Look, man, I want to be honest with you guys.
I've been jacking off.
Okay?
I just don't want there to be any lies here, and I want you to know that I have been jacking off.
All right.
Because I think if you had to do that, less people would do it.
Or what about this?
If you jerked off the next day, you had to keep your, your eyes would just close for no reason a lot of times.
Those are little governors I wish God had put in the system.
If you jerked off, your eyes would close for no reason for about a half hour the next day or, you know, here and there for 20 minutes.
If you're just talking to somebody about the baseball game, dude, the Blue Jays, wow, crushed it, huh?
Yeah, Tigers sucked this year.
And then suddenly you're just in the dark, dude.
You're just standing there.
You're at lunch.
Your buddy's like, what's going on, man?
And you can't open your eyes.
And he's like, oh, you've been jacking off, haven't you?
Or if you jacked off, then the next day you had to do thumbs up all day.
So people knew.
I just wish there was a little bit more something built in our system.
But I've been jacking off, man.
I'll be real honest with you, dude.
Or jacking off, as people say, with their eyes closed.
I've been doing jacking off.
And I wish I hadn't.
You know, I got caught up in it yesterday and I was looking at some pornography, man.
Just felt horrible.
I just don't like it.
It makes me feel horrible about it just makes me feel like bad.
The shit is cringe, kind of.
You know, it's cringe.
It's dirty.
And I just, I don't know.
Sometimes I get home at night.
I'm alone and I feel uncomfortable.
And I want to feel good.
So what helps you do that?
Jacking off.
But that's okay, man.
You know, I've been hitting a few meetings recently.
That's been good.
You know, trying to take care of myself, which is all we can do.
And if that's what you're doing.
I've been jacking off.
All right.
We had a couple people call, though, about, is it okay for your brother to teach you masturbation?
You know, we had a fella call in a few weeks ago that his brother had taught him how to do it.
Had taught him how to work that wand.
You know what I'm saying?
Had taught him how to hog that wart, baby.
Had taught him how to door that griffin.
You know what I'm talking about?
Full Slytherin.
This fella's brother had taught him how to yerk off.
Yerkoff.
And is that okay?
And I thought it was interesting because it takes me to a tribal place where at least if your brother or father teaches you to masturbate, then at least it feels like it's okay.
It's normalized.
Whereas if you're secretly doing it behind a big rock in the desert or something, or if your cousin comes over and he's, you know, and he leaves a nudie mag out or something, and then you doing it, you jerking off, you know, then that's, you know, that might not be good.
Or if you learn it from like a crazy guy at school, you know, somebody sneaks into the schoolhouse one day, you know, during recess and, you know, and just tells everybody about jerking off and then runs out, you know, and, you know, and dies in a house fire or something.
That ain't cool, you know, because then you might feel ashamed every time somebody lights a match.
You might, you know, you know, skeet out a little, you know, or your penis might belch a little or burp a little seed.
But anyway, man, what I'm telling you is that people responded to that, to the brother masturbation.
Is that okay?
Let's hear what they had to say.
Here we go.
Bro, this is to your question.
This is Tristan.
What's up, Tristan?
Good to hear you, dude.
And you sound like a nice guy, brother.
And we're happy you're alive, baby, onward.
This is to your question about if your brother should ever teach you to masturbate.
And I say, hell no, bro.
Hell no.
Okay.
Well, you might not be, everybody's allowed to have an opinion.
And I don't know.
I don't know what the world thinks.
I think that's outrageous.
Oh, come on, bro.
But I do appreciate you.
Gang, baby, same, man.
All right, let's get another one right here.
Here we go.
Hi, Theo.
I am just calling in because I was listening to your episode about brothers teaching each other to jerk off.
Okay, it was not a full episode, madam.
It was a part, it's a conversation.
And it's a great conversation.
You know, it's really important.
Who do you want teaching your son to jerk off?
Huh?
It's a great question.
Do you want their brother, someone who loves them and cares about them and has an effect on them and has a way that they look up to them to teach them?
Or do you want some miscreant out there at the milk shop?
Huh?
You want some guy who's just been working at the grocery for a half hour?
You want that guy teaching your kid to math?
You don't say, who do you want teaching him?
Who do you want?
You want one of his school buddy?
You want a little Eric?
You want Eric teaching him?
Eric's little crazy ass, huh?
Who don't wear no shoelaces in his boots?
You want him teaching them?
Onward.
And I think you need a little female perspective.
So not only is it the brother's responsibility to teach the brother, I think it's the sister's responsibility to teach the sister.
That's how it went in my family.
I'm not going to get into details because I know there's a lot of creeps that listen to this podcast.
Yes, there are.
But it goes for the women, too.
Gang, gang, baby.
That thing, thang.
So look, I'm saying this stuff is more popular than you think, obviously.
Here, we had one more call about it.
Here we go.
Theo, no.
And there you go.
That lady was really adamant about it, man.
That's really, really adamant about it.
All right.
Lastly, we had advice that came in for Tyrell.
Tyrell had this question last week.
Hey, Ziovon, this is Tyrell.
I'm just driving home back to California, and I was listening to your podcast.
Thought I'd get some stuff off my chest.
You know, I've been single for quite some time now.
Haven't been having sex in the last, I don't know, two years, and I just need some advice, man, on how do I get back in the game?
How do I, you know, get my willy wet, if you will.
And I think it's kind of a simple question, honestly, Tyrell.
And we have a couple of questions, a couple of options for you.
Hey, yo, yo, this is Gatlin Whitney out of Salt Lake City, Utah.
Gatlin, baby.
And that's a gun name.
You know that.
We used to have twins, boss, out there in Folsom, Louisiana, named Bow and Arrow, I remember.
And that's weapon.
That's weaponry.
Gang, gang, brother.
I was calling about that.
The guy from last week on in saying he wasn't getting any ladies.
And I kind of had that same issue for a while.
And what I figured out is what you got to do is get down to the gym.
It's going to run you about $10.99, plus your convenience fee.
But what you're going to do, you're going to get real comfortable in that gym.
You're going to work on the body.
But not only that, you're going to see all them fancy females there.
And then you start making small talk.
Oh, how long are you going to work on this machine?
Can I use it after you?
Can you come grab me when?
And then they're familiar with you.
They become friends with you.
You start talking.
Two months goes by and you between them sheets knocking poop.
Damn, there you go.
Friends fuck each other.
And I hate to say that out loud, but it's true.
And it has been true for a long time.
Let's take one more suggestion here for Tyrell.
What up, Theo?
I got some advice for your boy, Tyrell, about his drought.
Boy, he needs to just keep swiping right.
You know, I had a wise man once say, if you're ever going through a drought with the women, you just throw down the first ugly one that's down, and that's the chance to streak.
So there you could, you know, you could try to hook up with a woman who's outside of your uh...
You could try to hook up with a lady that you're not attracted to.
Maybe.
It just might start that energy going.
Obviously, you want to treat her well and just be realistic with her.
Just let her know it's for sex only or, you know, that you're just not.
Because sometimes you don't want to get somebody's hopes up if you can keep them down.
If you can keep somebody's hopes down.
I mean, fucking, my shoulders hurt from keeping my hopes up, baby.
I know that.
They are so.
All right.
I appreciate you guys, man.
I want to say thank you for being a part of just of my life and week and of my time And for caring about my life and caring about the lives of people that call into this show.
And if you're out there struggling with something, you're going through a tough time, like it's normal.
Everybody is, you know.
I mean, even though sometimes I wake up and, you know, life's that gate, life's chosen you again, you know, it's tough.
It's tough to say, all right, I'm a plague, you know, I'm going to move, I'm going to get going again, I'm going to give it another shot.
But you can do it.
You know, um, you can do it.
And we don't give up.
That's what we don't do.
And uh, and just if you're going through something, man, I love you.
You know, a woman, I love you.
And you love you too.
You love you too.
Don't forget that.
There's a part of you inside of you that absolutely loves you.
That loves you.
There is a part of you inside of you that absolutely loves you.
Thank you.
And that's true.
And I believe that.
And there's a part of me inside of me that absolutely loves me.
And I gotta try and hear that voice more because that's a powerful voice.
But you guys be good to yourselves, man.
You deserve it.
And thank you for hitting the hotline.
985-664-9503.
I'm excited about the new tour dates.
Thank you so much for your support.
And you know what it is.
Let's go out like we came in, baby.
Gang.
gang.
America is a world of love.
America is a world of love.
All right.
And I always awkwardly close that out.
Gang, baby.
You guys be good to yourselves.
We got the new bobbleheads.
If you want to grab them, they're available out there.
Theo Von store.
Tickets, get them only at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
Want to make sure you don't get swindled.
And that's it.
You know, that's it for this week.
We're doing our best.
You're doing your best.
And that is a lot sometimes.
And that is enough.
And you guys be good to yourself, baby guy.
Bye.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
Hi, I'll take a quarter powder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
