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April 19, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:20:11
E389 Belated Bunny

Theo talks his Easter trip to Louisiana, Elon buying Twitter, and office birthday party lawsuits. ------------------------------------------------- If you work in crime scene / hoarder clean-up, own or manage a pawn shop or renaissance fair, Send your submissions to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------- New Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Manscaped: Go to https://www.manscaped.com to get 20% off + free shipping with code THEO  Betterhelp: Go to https://www.betterhelp.com/THEO to get 10% off your first month  BlueChew: Go to https://www.bluechew.com get your first month free with promo code THEO  Ritual: Go to  https://www.ritual.com/THEO  today for 10% off your first 3 months. ------------------------------------------------- Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------- Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= Editor: Riley https://instagram.com/rileymaufilms?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
All right, let's get into it.
Good day, everyone.
And welcome to another episode of This Past Weekend.
What's going on?
Happy, belated Easter.
If you did it, if you did Easter, man, then you probably know what I'm talking about.
Or if you enjoy Easter.
Mmm.
Don't let the Lord lick you or the good Lord.
What did they used to say?
Don't.
Don't.
I don't know what they said, but here we are.
Happy Easter.
Happy belated Easter.
And let's get into this episode.
Oh, that's a little slow, boy.
That'll make you damn kill yourself at a wedding right there.
That thing sounds a little slow.
I'm sorry.
I was trying to find some Easter soon, Easter, Easter music.
And Easter don't have a lot of good music.
That's another thing, you know.
Easter don't have a lot of good music.
Most of it's at church.
You got to go to church to hear it.
Let's try one more.
Here we go.
Hmm.
Ooh, that drum comes in.
Ooh, that drum comes in.
That drum comes in and doesn't even help.
Yeah, that's a little.
That's bad when the drum comes in and doesn't even help.
You know?
That sounds like a little, maybe like an elementary school band on the Titanic or something.
Like, damn, you know the second they start up, this band is going down, boy.
���� Oh yeah.
Yeah, you could hear the water.
I mean, you could see the water rising outside of the classroom windows right there.
That thing, that's a real sinker's anthem right there, I think.
What is it?
I'm trying to find out they have one more good track for Easter music here.
Let me see what I can do for us.
try to find one more.
There we go, baby.
That's got a little more lift in it.
Whenever you're down out in the cold, faithless and dark, your story's untold.
Come take my hand and walk there with me.
I know a place where we can be free.
Let's go, baby.
There is a light shining for you, guiding your way, helping you through.
When shadows and gloom are all that you see, we'll find a place where we can be free.
Come on now.
Come on.
Can't you see you will be free?
Can't you see?
Can't you see?
You will be free.
And that's a beautiful little tune right there.
I just found that.
And that is There is a light by the Stone Keepers.
And that band, they play some stuff.
It seemed like something you could wash a baby to, really.
That's what you want.
Let's hear them again.
is just instrumental here with this hitter.
Come on now.
Oh, yeah.
Tuck your junk, baby.
Tuck your junk and feel something.
You don't need a bra, ladies.
Let the Lord hold your tits, ladies.
Come on.
Man, big fellas.
come on There you go.
That's something you could wash a dang baby to right there.
You can just see the water going over his little back.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
Yeah, that's something you could wash a baby to right there, you know.
Even wash under his thick little arms right there.
You know, just get up.
Damn.
You just want to just clean that little sucker out, get the devil out from under his arms.
When I was young, they used to tell you that if you stank real bad, they say you got the devil under your arms, boy.
And as a kid, you'd smell under your arm, you're like, dang, something is going on under there.
I do have something non-well festering under me.
You know?
I do have something, you know, I got a little dark arts garden under each pit, under each flapper, under each lifter, under each arm.
What's going on?
Yeah, I hope you had a beautiful Easter time.
I had a nice time myself.
I hope you are, you know, wherever this episode finds you today.
If you're in your car, if you're sitting at home, maybe having your little soup or something.
You know, maybe on a lunch break and you got a sandwich.
And some people look, some people cut their sandwiches.
And that's me.
I cut my sandwich up.
You know, I do the forecut.
Some people do their sandwich.
They don't do any cut.
They just bite into it just blindly.
Just know there's not a real game playing.
It's very those people, that's a real question mark fella right there or strong woman.
Somebody who don't, the sandwich, but it's more of that attack dog style.
You know, I'm just going to get in that bitch.
Get in there.
But I like that one that's been more dissected.
You know, you always knew how much somebody mom loved them when they were a kid if that sandwich had been really clipped up.
You know, and sometimes, you know, yeah, because your mom, your mom, if you, if your mom really loves you, she cut that thing, you know, nice and f.
And then you had them, you know, them regular boys out there, and they ate that bitch's, you know, that thing.
Look, there's no plan to get into that thing.
That sandwich looks like it don't even want you to get into it sometimes if you look at it that way.
And that's certainly, when I was, yeah, when I was young, I had that kind of thing was that thing was didn't have a lot of entry points on it.
A lot of those sandwiches we had.
What's going on, man?
Yeah, there's always that person at lunch that pulls that bad bastard out.
You're like, damn, boy.
This dude, this dude's going through some stuff.
That sandwich doesn't have anything going on with it.
And sometimes some people's mind would cut the heart in the middle, be like, damn, they must be rich, bruh.
If somebody had that heart cut in that sand, like, they must be rich.
And sometimes they were.
That's the real kicker they are.
Sometimes they were.
Yeah, happy belated Easter, man.
Hope everybody had a nice time.
I hope everybody got to at least sit and spend time with a loved one.
You know, got to be around somebody that they cared about and do something joyous.
I went down to Louisiana, which is a beautiful place down there, man.
It's a slower place.
You get down to Louisiana, man, a half hour will take 45 minutes.
Ain't nobody in a rush to get through that.
Somebody start a sentence at 11 a.m.
and finish it up at about 12.20.
Like, damn.
Dang, boy.
Mr. Eddie really got a gift of gab, they say.
But it's a real, you know, it's just a slow going.
You see somebody start yawning.
Somebody start yawning about 4.15 in the afternoon and they won't stop till about 5. It's a slow pace.
It's just that, you know, it's that kind of place.
Things take time.
And people, even a hug takes time.
You hug somebody, that thing will last a minute or two.
You can take a small nap if you want.
You know, you hug somebody.
It's just people, there's not as much of a hurry.
There's a little more patience.
There's a little more peace, docility.
You know, there's something nice about that.
There's something nice about the relaxation of it.
And it's sweaty, too, down there, though.
You get down into Louisiana, you get down into some of these rural areas, baby, you know what I'm talking about.
It's sweaty as can be.
Sometimes it's hard to hug some people now.
If they a little thick or if they got a little bit of oil in their skin or, you know, or if they too small, you can't even get a hug on somebody if they real bony.
Like, man, I can't.
You can't.
It's impossible.
You can't really get a good snatch on them.
Because everybody's sweating down there.
People are so sweaty.
You know, you see people try to shake hands and 20 times a hand slide right off.
You can't even, somebody put a watch on.
They can't get it on.
Damn.
Because of the sweat pouring out of people.
You know, there's just a lot going on down there.
But we had a nice time.
We had a real nice time, man.
It was, what was it?
It was, you know, when I was in high school, I went and lived with a different family.
And the fellow that raised me, that man, who was part of my life, he turned 80 years old.
And he getting older, baby, now.
So we went down there and had his birthday, and that was really nice.
And then went over to my brother's house for Easter.
And they had some good food over there, baby.
What'd they have?
They had them little Wiener blanket.
It's like Wiener blanket.
It's not like a, it's like a little wiener blanket.
It looked like a piece of bread, put a rear naked choke on a damn little wiener.
You know what I'm talking about?
It's look like, yeah.
It's Like, you know what I'm talking about.
It's just like a little, it's like a little wiener is wearing a little French bread as like a cape.
I don't know what it's called, but they had a whole little stack of them, Mitches, and I got in there.
And they had those finger sandwiches.
Somebody brought a tray of them and I cracked in at them.
And some of those, you know, the meat, the more the afternoon goes on, that meat gets a little hard.
And that's kind of when you find out who you are as a man, I think, is the later in the afternoon you're willing to eat a finger sandwich.
Because you see some dudes get real dicey with it too.
Some guys will only roll in later in the day, 5 p.m.
or something around sundown, and it was a 1 p.m.
party.
And them bitches, it gets real hard on the outside on those little finger sandwiches, a little bit of ham on that bastard.
You know, a little bit of ruts beef.
Somebody just, and some men, they go tongue first into that bitch.
Some of those older men, that shit is like, damn, bruh.
Y'all need to lock that man up or at least go through his hard drive.
That dude is on to, he's been doing, you know, that guy's got something going on in him.
Because his tongue is out here.
He's out here tongue first into the world looking for something.
But if you see somebody go tongue first into the hard side of a finger sandwich, dear God, baby, lock them up.
That's what I say.
Lock them up.
But yeah, we had a nice time, man.
We had a really nice time.
What else do we do?
I'll tell you.
I'll tell you.
I got some new tour dates I want to tell you, too, so don't forget.
I'm excited to let you know.
We got an extra show added in Los Angeles on May 7th.
That's coming up over there at the Wheel Turn.
And then we got Albuquerque, New Mexico.
And that's May 18th, May 19th in Midland, May 20 in Lubbock, Texas.
And May 21, Dallas, Texas.
We've added another show there.
So get your friend or somebody.
Get somebody you love and bring them.
Grab somebody by the hand and say, hey, babe, we're going to go get involved in something good.
We also have Savannah, Georgia, June 2nd, Augusta, Georgia, June 3rd.
And Montgomery, Alabama, June 4th, as well as Columbus, Georgia, June 5. And those are all available, theovon.com slash tour.
And some new dates down in Florida.
We have June 23rd in Hollywood, Florida.
June 24, Fort Myers, Florida, down there, military area, I'm guessing.
And June 2-5 over in Daytona Beach, Florida.
If you come over there, bring them sunburnt titties out with you.
And bring that skin cancer with you, baby, in Daytona.
Everybody out there smoking on them dore als and huffing on Winston's.
You'll see a newborn come out.
And he got his, he'll have a little lighter in his hand hunting a doral.
That's Daytona Beach, Florida, June 25, June 26, down there in Lakeland, Florida.
And those Florida tickets are available first to Patreon on Tuesday, April 19th.
And we'll send you the code on Patreon.
And then my pre-sale starts Wednesday, April 20th.
And that code is RatKang at 10 a.m.
locally.
You can get those.
And that starts on Wednesday.
So, yeah, as well, we have got some new stuff.
We've got the bobbleheads on sale and the gang gang hoodies are out now as well.
And you can find all those online.
And just thank everybody for the support, you know, and thank you for supporting this podcast and being patient with this podcast and just being a part of this group.
Yeah, I'll get back into a little bit more about Easter.
You know, I went and spent some time with my family and we really enjoyed ourselves.
But I also want to get into the news a little bit, the news right here.
A man, a man, an adult male, told his employer not to celebrate his birthday.
And he was awarded $450,000 after he received an unwanted party.
And that's where we are, folks.
It says a Kentucky man with anxiety disorder asked his employer not to celebrate his birthday because it would trigger a panic attack.
Damn, bro.
Dang, man.
Now he could have had a rocky birth.
That's the thing you don't know.
And sometimes you do know when you shake somebody's hand, you look in the eye, you can see all the way back to the womb, baby.
Straight back to that mom hole, and you can see that they really struggled on the way out.
Some babies, they come out that bitch fat.
They don't want to, you know, it's been a tough time.
It's been a long nine months they did.
They've been in there shaw-shanked out, baby.
They couldn't handle it inside of their mom.
Because sometimes you don't know what's going on in the womb.
Because the others, you know, we see the human side.
But the back side of the womb, that's the Lord's, that's, you know, that's the Lord's lobby, dog.
That's that BTS.
We don't know what's going on in there.
So that baby could have been in there, you know, could have been caged up, could have been, they could have had MS-13 back in there.
They could have had a couple brothers in there shanking out, doing dice.
You don't know what it's been like in there.
It could have been, you know, some Vatos running a fake church, you know.
You don't know what the back side of the womb has been like for a baby, what the Lord's side has been.
Because that sonogram, that just picks up, you know, that's just, it picks up the earth side.
So damn, bro.
You know, so some babies, they come right out that bitch and they don't want to be in the world really.
And sometimes you see a man, and so when he, that birthday just brings all that back, it triggers it.
You know, when some people these days, they got a lot of fire bitches out there.
They can't handle seeing a little bit of fire.
So you put more than four candles on a sugar treat, they fucking lose their edge, you know.
So maybe that's what happened.
I don't know.
It says, anxiety disorder man asked his employer not to celebrate his birthday.
It would trigger panic.
When the company ignored Kevin Burling's request and at a surprise lunchtime celebration, he got upset, had a panic attack, and left work.
Now, this is the part, if you panicking that much, I don't know if you can, where you drive off or did he walk off?
If he walked off, I believe it.
But if you really panicked out, you can't operate a damn Dodge Neon or nothing.
You know, you can't.
If you really shook, I don't know, you know, it's hard to really, I wouldn't get into a motor vehicle.
A day after the celebration, Berling was called into a meeting where he was confronted and criticized for his reaction.
Damn, they probably lit him up.
You can't handle his birthday, Kevin.
Uh, uh, Kevin?
You can't handle a surprise party, son?
This confrontation triggered another panic attack, the lawsuit said.
He was fired days later.
Damn, bro.
Berling sued, alleging disability discrimination and retaliation on March 31. A jury awarded him $450,000.
He suffered an adverse employment action because of his anxiety disability.
Damn.
That's where we are, people.
People can't handle a surprise party.
People can't handle a surprise.
And I think, look, I got a side with the company here, man.
I got to side with the company because Mr. Berling, if you, it's your birthday, man.
You were the one that was born, bruh.
Okay?
So these people are trying to honor.
That's what they do at an office.
If there's a kitchen with a table in it at a business, then the only thing people do in there is use the microwave or do surprise cakes for other people in the office, man.
You got to know that shit.
If you even go there to work, you got to know that people want to, they want to, and it's not even about you.
It's about the other people at work.
They want a 12-minute break to have some bad cake from Albertsons, okay?
They want to have an extra 11 or 8 minutes during one day of the week to surprise.
They probably don't even know your name, Mr. Burling.
So it's really a chance for you to kind of show out.
So when you, I think when you go into a group setting and you say, look, I don't want to do the thing that y'all do.
And then they do it and you go to the car with the panic attack, man.
It's your birthday.
You were born, bruh.
I think you got to come to terms.
I think you got to talk to your mother about it or you got to talk to somebody about it.
Because if they candle you up and get that sugar, that's all it is, man.
Can you even imagine where Kevin's like, don't throw me a party?
Look, guys, don't throw me a party.
Okay?
I mean it, guys.
If somebody secretly comes around the corner with a cake for any reason, I'm out of here.
Like, what happened to him that he can't handle?
Like, what kind of trauma happened to him?
I just, I don't understand how you can't handle a dessert and ta-da at the same time.
I just don't, I don't get it.
I don't get it, but that's where we are.
But that's where we are.
And a day after the celebration, Berling was called into a meeting where he was confronted and criticized.
Hey, bruh, we was trying to surprise you.
And he couldn't take it, man.
And he triggered another panic attack.
That's the funny.
It's like, is it just panic attack?
Are you just upset?
Maybe.
That's another thing.
We've gotten into a place where even if you're just a little upset, people call it a panic attack.
So, damn.
But he got that $450,000.
Watch him throw himself a huge birthday party now, too.
Watch Kevin Berlin go hard, bro.
Dang, he suffered adverse employment action.
You could sue for anything now.
Imagine suing because people wanted to show you love on your birthday.
Maybe he hated those people.
Maybe he hated working there.
I bet that's what it was.
Because if you hate working somewhere, then when those people are celebrating or trying to get a little bit of a 12-minute break because of your life, because you were born, you're going to say, nah, nah.
We shutting it down.
I bet that's what happened.
Damn, boy.
But everybody knows his name now, Kevin Burling.
He's got 450K on him.
So somebody going to surprise that dude with a weapon or something.
I mean, that's a lot of money.
What else we got in the news?
Michigan kindergartner.
Michigan kindergartner brings Jose Cuervo Margaritas to snack time, made students woozy.
That's Michigan, bruh.
Have you been to Michigan?
That's Michigan, dude.
That's Mexican Michigan, really.
That's all they doing.
A kindergarten class accidentally consumed tequila during snack time.
One of the kids brought a bottle of ready-to-drink Jose Cueva margaritas to Grand River Academy.
So you know if Academy is in it, it's rich, children.
In her backpack, she brought it rich.
Several students drank it, bruh.
Thoughts, probably.
One kindergartner felt woozy and a little dizzy.
Something a little lightweight after having four or five sips from a Dixie cup.
This sounds like a Morgan Walling concert.
What was going on here?
What else?
That's the news.
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All right.
Yeah.
Easter came through, you know, and Jesus came back.
You know, he's that real, I mean, he's the hide and go seek champ, really, when you think about it.
And I really like Easter.
You know, I like the tradition.
I like you go and you see, you get you a little cut of ham on the plate and get you a ham medallion or whatever they got over there.
You cut, some people do it different.
Some people cut the ham in an Easter shape or something.
You might get a little rabbit ear of ham or you might get you a little, you know, somebody will cut a piece of ham even in like a little chickadee.
You're like, damn, this is chicken and ham.
You know, but it's really just ham.
And I like a lot of the traditions that come along.
You know, I like Easter.
I like seeing the different colors and you drive by a church and there's some kids out there and, you know, a couple of kids, sometimes it's their brothers, they're fighting one of them, punching the other one.
But still, they look nice.
You know, the girls have their little dresses on and they're, you know, the mom is talking to somebody and saying bye.
We had a nice time.
And the girls are sitting there just hanging on her dress.
They're all ready to go back to the house.
You know, I just like driving.
I like just seeing things like that.
I like going to a service and people are singing.
But I like the tradition of it, man.
And I like the fact that Jesus comes back.
I like the fact that somebody shows back up to check on you.
Yeah, Jesus is like that bookmark in time.
You know, he's that recurrer.
He's that, you know, he shows back up.
He's, hey, I haven't forgot about you.
Hey, I haven't forgot about you.
You know, I like that.
I like that, man.
Because time is just, time has no feeling.
You know, I mean, time is sometimes so painful because it doesn't, time don't stop for nothing.
Time don't stop for nothing.
Not a birth, not a death, not a surprise part, not a car crash, not a fire, not a.
Time don't Stop for nothing.
You know how cold you gotta be to not stop for nothing.
You gotta be as cold as can be.
You gotta have the North Pole in your nuts.
You gotta have a damn polar bear living in your heart.
And that's time, man.
Time just keeps going.
And so that's why I like traditions.
I like things that are like little things that give you just little bookmarks.
And I like that Jesus pops back in.
He says, hey, I'll be back.
I'm still here.
I like that.
He's like the Terminator.
He's like this one thing that says, hey, Tim, I'm going to, he's almost like this little bit of like a Trump card for time.
He's like, all right, Time, I see you, but just know that I got my own superpowers and I can come, you know, I can come back and change the game.
So that's one thing that I find real inspiring about the Easter story is that there's some, it provides some comfort because time is not, time is a, I mean, time don't even stop to tie its shoe.
It don't even know if it has shoes on.
It don't know if it's in sandals or boots or if it even has legs.
Time don't even stop to look down to see what it's rolling on.
If it's on damn wooden wheels or 24s or ankles.
It doesn't.
It just keeps going.
You know, it's just like a thoughtless wind.
But we need it.
And that's why I like the Easter story.
That's why I like Jesus Christo popping back through and saying, hey, just letting y'all know when I'm ready to come back and do my magic, I'm going to come back and do my magic, you know?
It's nice that somebody pops in.
It's like when you're playing and you're a kid and somebody sticks their head in the door and is like, hey, letting y'all know I'm here.
So I like that, you know?
I like that every year somebody rolls back through and says, hey, time, I see you doing your thing, but just letting you know I can do mine as well.
And that's a beautiful story there.
And our families, I don't know what religion we were growing up.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, we live close to a church.
We were Sixth Baptist or something, I think, or Seventh Baptist.
I don't.
We live right by a church.
And somebody definitely, I'm not saying got molested, but somebody, you know, somebody in our family probably got molested.
So we're whatever religion that is, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
And yeah, I like traditions.
I like traditions because the more we lose traditions, the more we lose contact with our forefathers and stuff.
It really is, you know, and I know some people are like, well, a lot of traditions are just business.
Right, but it's not about that, really.
It's about the fact that you celebrate something that someone else celebrated.
That you try and tell like this relentless thing, this time that doesn't even give, you know, time doesn't even give, it gives you life, but you're like, it's so, it's so hard to really make an imprint in time.
It's almost impossible.
But for me, I feel like small things like traditions and celebrating certain things every year, it's a little bit like saying, I'm going to try to put my stake in the ground here.
Yeah, I don't remember what religion we were, man, growing or what denomination.
But I remember one Christmas, somebody had driven through a fence in our area.
Somebody had a fence.
And somebody had driven through it.
Because people, you know, get jealous and shit and drunk and like, oh, this motherfucker's got a fence.
Bam, you know?
And somebody drove through that bitch.
And so I went over there one time and was hanging out with one of the kids over there.
And we started making stuff out of wood.
And I made my sister this, like a thing to keep her dolls in or something.
I was probably about maybe 11. So then I remember I'm walking home one night and I passed this family's house.
They had a rental home right on the corner.
And this man that lived there was an Elvis impersonator.
And he had four children, I think, and they all stayed in the yard and wore like, I think they were Pentecostal.
They wore clothes all the way down past their feet.
I mean, it looked like they was just, looked like they were sleeping bags with heads, you know, the whole family.
And the daddy was in the garage making one of the children a shirt out of wood.
And he was alcoholic.
And I went in there and I remember and tried to help him put that together for his son for Christmas.
And his son used to vomit on the bus.
And I don't even know if he ever got an education.
I don't know what the hell class he even went to.
I just remember the only thing I remember about the kid is that he had, He was losing his hair at a young age, and he used to vomit on the bus.
He was basically like a 50-year-old man.
He was almost like an older alcoholic, the kid, but he was just a kid.
All right, let's get into a few questions and stuff that came here.
As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.
If you're having trouble with something or you're struggling with something, feel free to hit the hotline.
If you have a question, if you have a response or reply or replication about something on the show, feel free to hit it.
You know, it's an open airwave gang.
What's up, CEO?
It's Michael.
I don't know if you remember me or not, but I called a little over a year ago on the Spill the Duntland episode.
Thank you for calling, Michael, from the Spill the Duntland episode.
I'll have to go back and check that out, man.
But I appreciate you calling, brother.
Homeward.
I just relapsed.
And you called me back then and talked with me.
Kind of lifted my spirits up.
And I'm sorry I'm out of breath.
I'm at work.
But anyway, it's been a little over a year now.
And I'm still clean.
No relapses.
I'm happier than I've ever been.
Everything's good.
So I just wanted to give you an update and let you know everything is good.
And I think a lot of it has to do with you calling me that day.
It meant the world to me.
And I just wanted you to know that.
You're a good dude, man.
Well, thanks, bro.
I appreciate the nice message, man.
You know, that's sweet of you to say, man.
You know, I think a lot of that goes to you for just taking care of yourself.
It's tough.
And to try something new and try something different is tough.
And, yeah, and thank you for just reaching out and saying the nice words.
You know, I'm happy for you.
You sound good.
And that's nice.
That's a nice way to sound, brother.
Amen.
Let's hit another call or two that came in.
Here we go.
This one, actually, this is kind of in the same vein.
Hey, Theo.
My name's Robert.
Just wanted to call in, say, hey, let you know I appreciate you, man.
I've been listening to you for the last few years.
And honestly, I don't know why I'm really know why I'm calling.
Thanks for calling, Robert.
And that's long for Robbie.
People say Robbie or Rob, Bob, Robo, they call him sometime.
Robert.
I think it's French, actually, Robert.
Robert.
Somebody that's Roberting.
It's not a verb.
Onward.
I think you're really relatable as far as human being to human beings.
So I wanted to get your opinion.
Kind of on my first real stint of sobriety right now.
About to come up on my 90-day mark.
And the first part was real easy, but now I'm starting to have these conversations in my head where I'm negotiating with myself that, you know, maybe I'm not an alcoholic, trying to work through my stress and stuff.
I'm getting closer and closer to talking myself into reaching for the bottle again.
I just wanted to get your opinion and see if there's anything that can really be anything you could.
Thanks for the call, man.
Yeah, I think what you're expressing is what a lot of people express if they are about to go out of their program, you know, and not be sober.
So it's a risky place to be in.
Because, yeah, there will be things that will call you back into the world.
It's happened to me many times, you know.
I'm just recommitting myself now to my program.
And I just hit a meeting this morning.
And there's a lot of old people in this meeting.
And some of them like start falling asleep.
And like one guy, I think, was in the war, I guess.
I don't even know what war it could have been, but he'll like.
And other guys are just old, so they just have sounds kind of come out of them, you know?
Like, you know, like some of them, and then, you know, old people, sometimes like, like a gas will just come out of their arm.
You know, they just, their bodies just kind of, you know, it's like a hot spring kind of almost at a certain point where they're just little, you know, where they'll move their elbow and it'll just like a not like a an exhaust.
It just, they're falling, you know, it's just a lot of old people are making all these sounds around me.
It sounds, there's a lot of sounds in there.
But anyway, yeah, I just was just thinking about that.
But yeah, look, the only thoughts I have are just, it's really tough to recommit yourself once you start going down that slope.
You know, you know, I've tried a lot of different things over time thinking that I didn't have some sort of problem or not knowing what my problem, or not knowing what my, not problem, but difficulty was.
So, I mean, it's all your own choice.
You know, nobody can tell you what to do, but it's definitely your, I've seen the crossroads a bunch and I've been there myself where you kind of lean in or you're leaning out.
You know, but I applaud you on 90 Days, brother.
Congratulations, man.
That's awesome.
And I just wish you the best, whatever you're doing.
You know, and nobody knows if you are an alcoholic or if you have that thing or some form of it, except for you.
You're the only one that knows, you know.
So love you, baby.
Take care of yourself, brother gang.
What else?
We had some other good calls that came in here.
Oh, yeah.
Let's hit this one.
Hey, Theo, this is Brendan out of New Hampshire by way of Boston.
And I was just calling in because I feel I really can relate some of your family troubles with somebody.
So you've been talking about your mom's similar issue with my mom.
You know, I'm not going to get into it because it's not pretty, but sometimes your trust goes away.
And my dad was, he was never really, you know, in the scene.
He was doing his own thing.
He's like, he's a hyper intelligent individual.
And he wasn't there for me, but just my trust broken from my mom made me feel like I had no one.
So I looked up to my older brother.
And I was just wondering, you know, is forgiveness in us?
Because I try to forgive so much, but then oftentimes I dwell on, you know, why they wronged me.
And this goes for my brother, my dad, my mom.
Yeah, it's a good call, man.
I appreciate it.
Thank you for calling.
And it's funny, this is kind of right where I am.
You know, during the holiday, during Easter, I got to see my mother and see my brother.
And my mother's going to be moving to Arizona.
And, you know, this may have been the last time I get to see her in Louisiana.
You know, and she's moving to Tucson, Arizona.
And she also, oh, she's trying to get a weapon too.
So if anybody does tactical sales or tactical training out there that can help like an older woman do it, hit up the producer email because we got to get mama, we got to get that thing on her, you know?
So, and she have to be a piece that she could handle, you know?
So that would be awesome if somebody could, you know, help with that.
That'd be cool.
Yeah, it's tough because it's like, yeah, how long do I hold a grudge, you know?
And then because at a certain point, your parents, they're just getting older and you're missing out on whatever there is there.
And yeah, I think I believe, and it's one of the reasons why I'm trying to recommit myself to my program, is because I believe that forgiveness is the only answer.
I believe that letting go of whatever that hurt is.
You know, sometimes I felt so hurt as a kid, I felt the, I hold on to that hurt because sometimes it's the only relationship I had with my mother was that I was angry at her.
You know, and it's all I had.
It's the only thing that I had.
So it was like so hard to let it go.
It's been hard to let it go because the only thing that I had was my anger or my uncomfort or my pain.
It was so hard to let it go.
It's like a blanket, you know, it's a.
It's like I know this isn't good for me, but somehow it keeps me warm a little.
You know, the only thing I had, you know, when I was young, and I'm not talking about self-pity here or anything like that.
I'm just, I'm trying to really examine this, like why we hold on to those things.
Because, yeah, all I, all I, for a long time, all I had was my, just my anger.
And my, I was wronged, my, that, that, you know, it's somebody's, all I had was that.
And when you have that from a young age with a parent, it's, um, that's, it's like, it's not even you holding on to it as a conscious adult.
It's this fucking, it's this inner child that's got those claws on him, you know?
He got them grips, them mitts, baby.
And so it's hard to let go of some of that.
But I just believe that the only way to do it, the only way to really get free is to have some forgiveness, you know.
And people do the best they can.
You know, I saw my mother this weekend and all any of us are is just kids that are just getting older, you know, and just trying our best in the world.
And sometimes it takes time.
You can't really force it, you know, but I think we can get into practices that help us get closer to forgiveness.
And that's where I want to be.
Because at a certain point, I'm tired of the grudges.
Even if I'm not the one making them, even if they're from a young, I've got to talk to myself or have a relationship enough with my heart that's like, hey, trust me enough to walk us through this.
And with my higher power to say, hey, God, help me walk through this.
You know, help me.
You know, I have felt unloved, or I have felt wronged, or I have felt this.
Help me try again to give this person a chance to love me, because if not, I miss out twice.
I miss out as a child when I didn't, wasn't able to make a choice.
It was all survival instincts that I had to operate from.
But I miss out as an adult when I am able to make a choice.
And as hard as it is, I don't want to miss out on getting to love my mother twice.
Thank you.
You know, and I don't know if that makes a ton of sense or not.
And fuck, I don't even know if I care if it does.
You know, for me, it's been a long journey with this kind of stuff and trying to navigate it.
And that's okay.
You know, that's okay.
But I wish you well there, brother.
And just know that there's other people out there that are on this journey with you in some ways.
It could be a mother.
It could be a father.
It could be a sibling.
And it could be ourselves.
Sometimes a lot of it for me is about forgiving myself.
You know, when you are, as children, you think it's your fault.
You know, you take so much responsibility for yourself that if something isn't right, then of course it's on me.
It's on me.
But if stuff's on you for so long, it's on me.
It's on me.
It's on me.
You can handle that for a while, but I think at a certain point, you're right.
It's all on you.
And it's just you.
And it gets kind of lonesome, you know?
And I'm not saying that in a self-pity way.
I'm just saying that in like, you know, I want my life to be filled with other people.
And so that's, hopefully, that is a direction that I can head in, you know, with the help of others and with the help of a higher power.
You know, I've been there before and I think I can be there again.
But gang, gang, baby, take care of yourself.
Oh, yeah, and I got this new gang gang header right here, too.
This is a baby blue, and it's a large.
And the large one's a little big on this one.
So I don't know if I'd go medium.
I feel good in here.
I feel like somebody should have washed under this baby's arms, though.
That's for damn sure.
And if you can't get well, brother, you can always get you one of them weighted blankets.
If you can't get well, you could always get you a weighted blanket.
Because that's one thing I notice.
Some people, they get that weighted blanket.
They got to feel.
And I'm one of those people.
Shit, I don't even know who I'm talking about.
I like to get that little make me feel like a little peanut.
Just tidy me up.
I always want to be wrapped up and, you know, smothered, covered, chunked, baby.
Put me like that.
I want them covers right up to my.
I want it all.
I got to be tight, tight.
That's how I like to be.
You know, but I had a friend that was visiting recently and they're like, oh yeah, the weighted blanket.
She said, the weighted blanket in your guest room is great.
I said, I don't even know I had a damn weighted blanket in there.
And that's where, I guess, you know, maybe we're all headed that way.
I think there's so much anxiety in the world now.
Everybody's going to have a weighted blanket, weighted hat.
You see somebody in a damn weighted hat, bro.
They can't even walk.
I'm just trying to get to work.
My nephew got me this heavy one, you know, and that dude's just trudging along barely.
He's nine minutes late to work over there at Amazon.
It's up, you know, everybody get everything weighted gloves.
You can't even shake a hand anymore, but you don't know no anxiety.
People going to have a CN, they're going to have a service friend.
That's what I'll probably be.
I'll be that emotional support friend.
I'll be that emotional support friend.
I won't be the friend that the chicks bang.
That dude will come in.
He'll be that real hitman, probably a little Vato or something or a brother, you know?
Somebody with some tats and, you know, maybe a blade on them.
But I'll be that emotional support friend that kind of comes in and just kind of chats with you while you're making dinner.
You know, that's what I'll be.
But it's getting weird in the world.
You know?
Or is it?
Are we just getting separate?
I don't know what it's getting.
But the shit's got me curious.
And I hope Elon buys Twitter, dude.
That's what I hope.
And sinks that shithole.
Because those people have fucked with free speech more than anybody in the entire world.
And I hope somebody shuts that shit down.
I don't know how we ever got into some of this situation.
I do not know.
But I do, man.
I hope Elon buys Twitter and untweets that whole business.
That's what I hope.
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Fellas, have you started your spring cleaning yet?
You got to clean up that crotch, baby, that C-Rotch.
You got to clean up down there by that rattler in that bag, Daddy.
Get it?
That's right, the carpets need cleaning.
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Yeah, I think it's interesting that Elon is trying to buy Twitter.
I like it.
You know, I like to see, you know, free speech has been, it's not what it used to be.
It's not.
You know, in a lot of media, it's all owned by the same couple of organizations and types of people.
And you're not allowed to say certain things.
You know, I know on Twitter they shut down certain political views and political stories.
They won't even let them be shared on there.
Whereas other ones they will.
You know, certain schools of thought and ideas they won't allow.
And others they will.
And it's a dump.
It's a dump.
And it's just about power and control.
And people are sick of it.
I mean, it's literally making people sick.
You know, you take away somebody's voice and it, for some of it, it's the only thing you have that's yours.
You know, and I've been a victim of it, or not a victim, I've been a contributor of it myself and being afraid to even say what I really want to say sometimes.
Being afraid to speak up for myself, afraid that I won't be able to, that I'll lose my ability to even have a job or have a space.
You know, and that's scary.
I mean, that is, it's fucked up.
So any chance I see where somebody who wants to even the score a little bit is trying to make that happen, I like that because you put so much pressure on, you make things so unfair for so long, I just don't think it's going to end well.
And I don't know what exactly that means, but damn, I mean, you're going to see, you know, if people can't speak at a certain point, they're going to, they're going to fight for their voice.
I think.
So more power to them.
You know?
I think Twitter's long been a shithole.
It's long been a shithole.
And so I hope Elon flushes it.
What else here, man?
A lot of great calls that have come in, you know, and I hate to not be able to get to all of them.
Let's take another call.
301!
What, dude?
That's Brandon out of Amarillo.
Brandon, baby, out of Amarillo.
That's a Spanish animal, baby.
That's a good place down there, I think.
I've never been.
Homeward.
Getting excited to see that Dallas show, boy.
Man, real excited to come down here, Texas.
Just wanted to call, let you know who's listening out here.
Man, I'm a commercial painter.
I hear you talking to my earbuds every day, dude.
Gets me through the day.
Keeps my mind out of the dark arch.
You feel me?
But, man, just appreciate everything.
Getting excited to see you.
Gang, baby.
Thanks, Brandon.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to that too down there in Dallas at the Wind Spear, and it's a beautiful venue.
What else do we have to say here?
What else is going on?
Gang, gang.
Hey, Steve, what's up, man?
Just getting ready to do a little pre-Easter egg hunt with the kids and for fam.
Single dad, so I don't get to have them every weekend.
But, anyways, I just wanted to ask you and your listeners, like, uh, what are some things that they did your parents relatives did for Easter?
Like, we always get eggs and you find them.
Some have chocolates, some have, I guess, other things.
But a big thing, I guess, in Asian culture, Thai culture, we had our parents hide money in those plastic eggs.
So some of them would have panties.
I think one of them I found had a $10 bill, which that shit was cold when you were like, you know, four, four, five.
Oh, yeah, baby, that's beautiful.
And y'all did it.
And y'all tie?
You guys are tied because you sound white.
You shocked everybody when you tied us, when you tied out there.
Yeah, what did we do?
You know, my mother would make Easter baskets, you know, and hide them.
And what else will we do?
We probably had to clean usually.
My mom made us clean a lot.
I didn't mind cleaning because you get the fumes, baby.
You get those fumes going in the bathroom.
I'd be in there pouring bleach.
I'd pour bleach in the toilet and stir it with that cleaner thing, a little cleaner stick, and just get that hit, baby.
That hot bowl hit, son.
Get that Easter, that freaking resurrection, bruh.
Right up in my lungs, baby.
Let the Lord show up in your lungs.
So, yeah, I think we would clean on Easter and we would probably just play, spend time with our neighbors.
You know, people would burn stuff in the ditch around then because it was spring cleaning.
So you'd see a lot of ditch fires.
And we would, after the fires would go down, a lot of us would get wet and get out in there and get the ash on ourselves, do ash Wednesday, ash Thursday, ash Sunday, ass Tuesday.
We'd be out there damn asshed out, you know.
I mean, we'd look, you'd almost look black to a lot of people.
I remember a black mother in the neighborhood told us to fucking get in the house.
We're like, we're not even your kids.
So we'd get all, you know, we just party with whatever was in the ditch usually.
Because springtime, people did spring cleaning.
People would throw stuff in the ditch and then burn it.
So you'd either get a pile of ash or you'd get stuff that wasn't burned yet.
Get you half a shift a robe or something.
Get that bitch going, you know.
You sit out there and play office or, you know, get you half a desk or something.
You play doctor or, you know, playing parent.
You do play different games out there, business games.
But we enjoyed it, man.
We really enjoyed it.
And I'm glad the Thai people you guys did it too.
I didn't know what you guys were up to on Easter.
You know, I know you guys like to chop up those eggs and put them in the shrimp stir-fry.
And I like that.
Thank you for that.
One of my favorite things about Asian culture is how they chop that egg up and sneak it in a meal.
They'll sneak that bitch in anything, son.
That's Easter all the time.
When you're Asian, they hide an egg in anything.
They'll hide an egg in any damn meal.
It'll be June or it'll be August.
And you'll find an egg in something.
That's beautiful.
Let's get one more call here.
What up, the Murph from Merry Ghetto, Ohio.
What's up, Murph out there in Ohio?
And we're happy you're alive, baby gang.
Just wanted to call in, listen to bird necking.
And your Iowa officer, man, it's dope as fuck, because it really resonates with me.
I had issues with my mom, and she's an addict.
People don't really understand how that disconnects you from modern-day adulthood.
But, hey, man, shout out.
You're doing big things.
You're helping people.
To hear it from someone like you is very humbling and feels cool, man.
I appreciate you.
Later, dog.
Oh, gang, bro.
Thank you for the nice words, man.
You know, I'm sorry a lot of these calls are about me, I guess, today.
And I'm sorry that your mother suffers from addiction, man.
You know, it breaks my heart, honestly.
It's just so powerful.
It's so powerful.
People don't know.
People don't know.
And when you do struggle from it, the pain that an addict feels, that they can't love somebody, that they have trouble loving, that they have trouble connecting.
I mean, I don't know what's the tougher side of the coin to be the one that doesn't get the connection and be the one that can't even give it.
Thank you.
You know, there's some break in how we're doing things.
There's some disconnect that we don't see overall.
We're missing something as a species.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that your mother has dealt with that and that you've had to deal with that, man.
I bet you're an awesome guy and an awesome son.
And yeah, we'll just keep it going.
How about that, gang?
All right, let's hit one more here.
And thank you guys.
As always, the hotline 985-664-9503.
Hey, Theo, it's Ashley from Albany, Georgia.
Just had a quick.
Hey, Ashley.
And I used to date my first girl, first girlfriend named Ashley, actually.
And it was a woman.
And beautiful gal, sweet gal.
And anyway, you're a man, and I'm happy you're here, too, as well, brother.
Gang, baby, onward.
Question for you.
My assistant at work has been taking really long bathroom breaks.
Dude goes like maybe three times a day for like an hour and a time.
I mean, about half the time at work, it seems like he's in the toilet.
But I just was wondering, what should I say?
Should I say something to him?
Or I don't know.
It's just kind of weird.
And I just thought your take would be good on it.
All right.
Anyway, love the show.
And I just.
Gang, baby, thank you.
I didn't mean to cut you off, dude.
But I did on accident, or I don't even know if I bro.
First of all, obviously, this could be Kevin Burling, dog.
Okay?
This could be Kevin Burling in there.
He got that surprise party in his bottom, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
He got that ta-da in his colon, dog.
He might not be able to handle the work environment.
And this is the kind of employees you get these days.
Some guys, they come, they clock in, they shitting.
You have a dude that worked for six hours.
He's shitting for four hours, bruh.
And you got to pay him.
And then he wants child support.
You're like, child support?
He's like, yeah, I'm dropping these kids off at the pool, son.
And they'll take you to damn court.
That's Kevin Berling, dog.
This is the issue with today, man.
You can't even find somebody that wants to show up and do work.
People want you to pay them the shit.
That's the world we live in.
People saying, hey, give me $30 an hour, bro.
I'll open my ass up over at your office.
You're like, what?
And they want medical.
They want medical and dental.
They want dental, bruh.
And all they doing is shitting.
They want dental, bruh.
If all you doing at work is doing booty and you want dental, bruh, that's messed up.
And you know it is.
It just, I don't know when it ends, man.
And I don't know how you handle it.
You can't say nothing.
They'll sue you.
Say they won't let you won't let them do bowels at work.
You won't let them have a BM, a natural BM at work.
You'll be on their BM suppressor, they call you.
Or that booty oppressor.
They're saying you caging up their bowels.
You know?
They out there faking Crohn's disease and doing all of that.
It's hard to be an employer these days.
People want you to pay them to shit.
You hear me?
People want you to pay them to shit, man.
And some of it is because of this Japanese stuff, the OnlyFans.
They got women on there.
They're getting paid to do it.
A man sees that.
And now he clocks in over there with you.
He works over there at Snap All or whatever, over construction stuff.
You know, he's over there at the Caterpillar plant.
And he's over there, you know, doing booty over there and wanting, you know, paid by the hour.
It's a tough world, man.
It's a tough world for people just trying to navigate it.
But don't give up on yourselves if you are.
It's just a weird world.
And I think we have to laugh at it.
We got to laugh and say, man, that world is weird.
The world is weird.
And I need to laugh at it more.
Because I let it get too serious for me.
And when I laugh at it, it takes that stinger off of life when I laugh at it.
But at least Big Jesus Christo just popped by and let us know he's still in the game.
At least he just stopped by and let us know, hey, don't forget about your dog, you know?
That time Trumper, you know, one way to beat the system.
So, all right, we're going to find our way out of this episode here.
And we'll kind of, maybe we'll come in a little bit.
This is the unacoustic version of Stonekeepers.
There is a light from Stonekeepers and David Manuel.
We got David Spade in studio next week.
And also, I want to, if you have, if you know someone who has a very unique job and a unique personality, hit up the producer email.
We're looking right now to find somebody who's worked in trauma cleanup or crime scene and people that's doing hoarding, that type of cleanup.
We're looking for somebody in that position that's in somewhere in the Central East area or in the Los Angeles area.
And then we're looking also maybe somebody that's run a pawn shop or managed a pawn shop or a Renaissance fair.
Those are some unique jobs we'd like to investigate.
So if you know someone in one of those realms who has a unique personality, we want somebody who's good at sharing their story and at talking and being communicative.
We don't want no Kevin Berling out there.
We don't want no somebody you hit them with a candle and a cake and they fucking can't handle it.
You know, then they're in the shitter for an hour.
We don't want that.
We want somebody who's just got light bowels and enjoys the birthday song.
You guys be good to yourself, man.
You deserve it, baby gang.
I'll see you guys in one of those cities I'm coming to soon.
Thank you.
Whenever you're down, out in the cold, faithless and dark, your story's untold.
Come take my hand and walk there with me.
Come on, that's a little gospel.
I know a place where we can be free.
There is a light shining for you.
Hiding your way Helping you through God, I have B.O., son I got some B.O., baby Down to the deepest I hear a voice Calling you
Thank you guys I won't I have been far, I had them wide, searching for peace, somewhere to hide.
Now I am free, open and pure.
Fearless and baby.
All right.
I am secure.
It's getting a little bit gay for me, dude, honestly.
But whatever.
Praise, baby.
You guys be good.
Thank you guys for being a part of the episode.
Thank you guys for being a part of my life.
We'll see y'all next week.
Be good to yourself, baby.
You deserve it.
Gang.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Easy to.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John.
I'll take a quarter pot of cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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