Theo is back from the road to discuss forbidden yogurt, boob smoke, false alarm children, and S-cakes. Riley gives us a love life update.
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Producer: Riley https://www.instagram.com/rileymaufilms/?hl=en
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And just, I'm going to go out to eat in a little while.
And so I was trying to get me a little tide, a little tide over, you know, snack.
A little, I had me about nine almonds.
And it had me two yogurts.
I'm going to be honest with you.
You know, there's a time in my life where I, you know, I probably wouldn't have told anybody that I had yogurt, right?
Especially a man, I wouldn't say, hey, man, I just had just had some yogurts.
You know, I'd have lied.
I'd have lied and I'd have said, yeah, I just had some war, you know, some ice cream or something or some, you know, real warm ice cream.
But I like yogurt, man.
I like it.
But then there's that, I mean, the thing, it feels like you shouldn't be eating it.
And I'm not sure if I've spoken about this before, but it just feels like you just shouldn't be having it, doesn't it?
It feels like you shouldn't be having it.
It just feels a little, maybe it's just in my head, it tastes like a, I mean, look, I'm a per, you know, I got a little bit of, you know, I got about probably 7% pervert in me.
So when they crack me open, everybody's going to be a little pervert jumps out and run, you know, runs across the morgue and, you know, up under the lockers or whatever.
But, but yeah, so I, you know, I don't, but there's something about, it's just, there's something about having a yogurt that just feel, it's like, I feel like there's the part of me that's, that's, it, that's really, I don't know.
It just seems like it's almost a little, it seemed a little young or something.
I don't know if that makes any sense to anybody.
And I may be insane.
But what's going on, guys?
Um, just got back off the road.
I'm going to talk about that.
Um, went to dinner the other night.
Went to like a fancy place, you know, just kind of fancy, just, I mean, just damn, looked like we were on the Titanic, you know.
I was just waiting for the whole restaurant to just fill up with water.
That's how nice.
I mean, people just, good day, you know, no, people just being, you know, friendly, nobody yelling the N-word, nobody doing nothing, just a good place, you know.
And we went and we were sitting by, I was sitting, I guess, by this couple, and I think it was like a first date or something, or maybe second date.
And this lady had these bangers, baby.
She had these damn front honeys on her, baby.
I mean, like a couple of damn freaking milk bears.
And they were just getting ready for spring.
You could see them just kind of, she had kind of a revealing kind of top on.
And you could see these big white damn, just a couple Moby dicks, you know what I'm saying?
And she had on like a lot of powder, kind of different powder, you know, maybe body powder or something.
And she probably put about, probably a half ounce up between them, you know, between them, between them, them premiere bunnies, baby.
Between them, you know, them hammer time front yams, baby.
She'd really, she'd put a lot of powder.
So anyway, some guy, this guy, she's on a date with is making her laugh.
He's telling her jokes.
And they were the worst jokes, right?
They were like just, what was one?
It was like, what's, oh, what's the tallest building in the world?
And it was like, oh, it's a, it's a library because it has so many stories.
That's what he would say.
And she would just die laughing, right?
And I was like kind of jealous she was having such a good time.
But when she would laugh, then her chest would kind of juggle and just that powder would just, I mean, just buffing up, just muffling, just mufflering up out of them out of them big nodules, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
Out of them big, out of them big yogurt wagons, dude.
Just that powder would just like a, um, it was like, it was like her tits were vaping or something.
You know, it was like her, it was like her breasts were like hitting a thing of blue ice or whatever.
I mean, it was just, and it was, and so then it would kind of stop and then he would tell another one.
And it was, I mean, just like, it was like Aaron Brockovich was going to show up or something.
You know, it just had that, you almost wanted to call the city.
I mean, it just got real smoky over there.
But yeah, that was something that happened at dinner.
We went with this one gal.
She had curled her hair so tight.
I mean, you ever have somebody, they curl her hair just so tight.
I mean, just tight, tight.
She couldn't even get her eyes.
I mean, I saw her every now and then just kind of getting some water out of her glass and rubbing it on her eyes because she had just tightened that hair.
She'd locked it up.
She's so locked open.
You know, I almost wanted to just undo a couple of the curls so she could, you know, get half a blink in, baby.
She was real tightened up.
But anyway, I was grateful to be eating.
And I wasn't even going to do an episode, but I really, I decided that I wanted to be here with you guys.
I wanted to be here with you.
I wanted to be here with you.
You know, I want to thank everybody who ventured out this week.
It was, we had a couple of different shows.
We started and did a small one nighter over in Lexington.
And then we hopped over to, where was it?
Then we hopped over to Lafayette, Indiana.
And we actually had a call that came in right here from a Lafayette visitor to the show.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, my name is Devin, and I've been a fan for years, listening to your podcast for a while.
What's up, Devin?
And thank you for making the call.
Devin is a famous English name, Devin.
Hello, Devin.
Oh, it's Devin.
He's come.
He's come looking for his dad.
Let's hear more, brother.
Me and my buddies just saw your show in Lafayette, Indiana last night.
We drove four hours in the snow to get there.
And man, it was hilarious.
And, you know, last year, really bad year for me.
I, you know, had a girl heart out in my chest and I suffered from a motorcycle accident.
I just want to thank you for the part that you played in getting me back on track because I'm doing real well now.
And it was just really nice to see you last night.
You know, it was everything I thought would be.
It's fucking hilarious, dude.
So, you know, gang, gang.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Gang, baby.
Thanks for the call, Devin, and thanks for coming out there.
Yeah, it got, ah, I mean, Mother Nature, you know, she started serving that eight ball.
It got real, it got icy out there.
And it was right, the bus was heading in.
We parked in the back, and it was just the snow started building up.
It was coming down.
It was, I mean, shit, it was damn romantic almost.
You know, made you want to made you want to touch your own penis almost.
Glad you came out.
I'm glad you guys came out.
And I think somebody, I hope everybody made it.
Because they had a couple empty seats.
And I thought that somebody, because it was inclement weather.
It was inclement weather, man.
It was, you know, it's the kind of something you send your spouse to the store if you don't want them.
You know, hey, Judy, why don't you go get me some of that prune juice?
And next thing you know, dang Judy, you know, she goes, she, you know, that embankment gang, baby, you know what I'm talking about.
R-I-P-B-C, baby.
Yeah, it was just an inclement weather, man.
So it was, it was quite a time, man.
We, you know, it was a great week of shows overall.
Somewhere, when we got to Chicago, it got real fired up, man.
That's when that crowd was electric.
I thought the crowds at Lafayette and at Rockford, which was the next night, it was just a little bit more of a sedate vibe, honestly.
It just felt a little more sedate in there.
But a lot of great folks.
Everybody I met was great.
A couple nice gifts I got.
Somebody brought me this into the wild book.
This John Krekar.
Krekar got that hitter right here, baby.
That little lit hitter from Nicole gave me this.
Another man gave me an Elon Musk book.
Somebody, oh, this was the roughest, bro.
So somebody sent me a flowers and a chocolate, you know?
And I got backstage and the shower was cold.
That was, oh, that was another thing in Lafayette, which is where Purdue, Indiana is.
The Boilermakers, engineering town, and these bitches don't even have a damn water heater.
And it was cold.
Dude, I had a shower.
It was so cold.
Bro, I could feel, dude, I could feel my, I could, it felt like that movie Ice Age was playing in my ass, bro.
On six screens, dude.
It felt like, oh, man.
It felt like a damn woolly mammoth was running around in my damn.
You know what I'm saying, bro?
It was just, it was, there was no hot water in the thing.
So I got in that shower, bro, and that almost killed me, man.
That almost shook me down, baby.
That almost didn't get out that shower.
I almost didn't get out that shower, boy.
But anyway, somebody sent the chocolates.
There was a note on top.
It said, I can't wait for you to meet my son, your son.
I can't wait for you to meet your son.
And first, I'm looking at it, your son.
And I thought your son was like an Asian name.
So I'm like, who's your son?
You know, I didn't know if it was like a Japanese guy or whatever.
So I'm just thinking, who's your son?
I can't wait for you to meet your son.
And then I'm like, oh, my God, your son.
Then my head goes, oh, my God.
Because this has always been a fear of mine.
You know, I've had my penis in nuts a long time and I've always suspected that this could be a reality.
Somebody drops off that tall Bambino.
You know, they put him in a basket.
He's 14, but he's just in a basket on your doorstep.
You know, it's that teenage Easter all of a sudden for you right there.
And here was the crazy part.
Then I look over.
My tour manager is standing there, Tim.
Bizzle, he's standing over there and he's dying.
He's dying, bro, because he saw the look on my face.
I was like, holy shit, somebody brought their, somebody brought my son.
And this was the wild part.
Then I went through like, oh my God, thank God.
Then I had a moment where I was like, oh, damn, bro.
I wanted to meet my son, dude.
Part of me was bummed that I didn't get to meet this son, you know, this alleged, you know, possible son.
So that was, that was pretty, that was, that was quite a moment.
And then somebody brought this little baby dragon head or something.
And they approached the stage with it in Chicago.
And that was a little, that was a little strange.
This looks like a damn senior citizen, like the last, look like before they take that last bite of like a, maybe a little cake or something.
If you got a grandfather or something like that.
This look like maybe a like a skunk got poisoned or something.
But anyway, some nice gifts.
Thank you guys who brought things.
What's going on, Man.
Oh, the news.
I see this.
They had a lawsuit against Dennis Perkins in the Livingston Parish school system, alleges Cynthia Perkins.
They supplied semen in the cupcakes.
And damn, that makes you.
I mean, that just, oh, that's like damn wiener fentanyl.
If that's in a baked good, that's, you know, you just don't want that in there, baby.
You know, and it's just, I guess that's where we're at.
I mean, it's, maybe people are starving.
I don't know what's going on.
You know, I read Grapes of Wrath and at a certain point, things get so bad, they're breastfeeding each other.
But I can't imagine, even in Livingston Parish, Louisiana, they put it in pastries, it says here, and energy drinks.
Damn, well, look.
The energy, you could argue the energy drink part, but you can't, I mean, damn.
You can't put a look, you know, you can't put more, you can't put more, you can't, you can't be doing that.
You can't be, you can't be doing that on the e-clair, bro.
You can't put more doodle in a Snicker, bro.
You know what I'm saying, dude?
What else?
I'm not going to make this a real long episode today.
I'm going to keep it pretty chill.
I'm feeling a little under the weather.
I got kind of sick actually in Lafayette.
That day I started having me a fever.
And so I wasn't feeling real well.
And here's another call actually that came in from there.
Let's go.
What's up, Theo?
This is Tyler from Dayton, Ohio.
What's up, Tyler from Dayton?
And I spent time over there in Dayton one time.
I was on a balcony, man, and I was wishing this girl would make out with me and she didn't want to.
And that was it.
Nothing, you know, I just was wishing and she wasn't wishing.
But they also got that at that flight museum over there, I remember.
And if you like flying or you want to get into the sky somehow and you don't know how, they can help you, baby, Dayton.
Those bitches want to be in the air, bro.
You see somebody on the ground in Dayton, bro?
That's a little bitch.
Let's go more, dog.
Thank you for calling.
I'm just driving home from your show in Lafayette.
I just want to say thanks, man.
It's such a great time.
My first time seeing you.
First time at any comedy show.
I just want to say thanks, man, for being so vulnerable, you know, on the podcast and helping everyone that you help through their daily struggles.
I mean, you help me, just my day-to-day life.
I mean, when I want to feel something, I just turn you on, man.
I'm so thankful that I sort of listened to you and I was finally able to come see you.
Just want to say thanks, man, on behalf of all your fans.
We love you.
Just wish you the best, man.
Gang, baby, thank you.
Thank you, brother.
I love you guys, too.
You know, I love you guys, too.
Yeah, it's been a long, you know, it's been a, I don't know what it's been.
This is just my life.
And, yeah, I'm just doing my best.
And I know you guys are doing your best.
And so, yeah, I'm just grateful that we kind of have, we have this space where we kind of get to meet.
And that's when I see at shows, I know, I see that there's a lot of people that are just similar to me.
They don't always know what's going on.
And they just want everything to be okay.
And I always get told that we have the nicest crowds that show up.
I get told every time people say, this is the nicest crowd.
But yeah, man, I'm just doing my best, man.
And I appreciate you being, you know, you're probably similar to me.
That's one thing that people say sometimes, do you, you know, you like meeting people at the shows and stuff?
I say, well, most of these people are people that I probably, they know so much about me and we share so much, callers share so much that we've kind of, we probably would get along.
We'd talk anyway if we just saw each other in regular life.
So pretty cool, man.
Just happy to be a part of this group.
And thanks for the call, brother.
And thanks for coming out, baby.
And thanks for coming out, dude.
And lay off them S cakes, baby.
You know what I'm saying, dude?
Dang.
I can't believe them teachers serving them things.
Dude, if you get an S plus on the, if the teacher gives you an S plus, that's an illegal grade, baby.
That's semen.
Damn.
That's semen, bro.
What are they doing?
You got to go to hit, you know, ask a neighbor for something if you need, you know, sometimes I know you don't have certain product, but ask a neighbor.
You know, don't look inside of your body to complete a recipe for children.
You know, I'm going to brush up on my Spanish and I'm going to use Babel.
That will help me.
So I'm excited about that.
What do you think, Riley Mao?
Would you ever have a semen cake?
Would you handle, have you heard of anything like that?
What is that in your culture?
What do they say about that?
I don't know.
I haven't heard anything of that.
All right.
And have you ever, and I mean, I know you have a storied history with semen yourself and not even, you know, never getting it out of your own body, you know, which is, we've discussed it before.
Right.
And do you, have you ever seen semen?
Is it okay to ask you?
I have not.
Dang, boy.
Dang.
That's, I mean, there's just, I feel like there's a lot of it out there.
But I'm proud of you, man.
Thanks.
I'm proud of you, man.
What's happening?
How are you?
I've been well.
Yeah?
You've been dating?
What's going on?
Give me the update.
I want to know the ins and outs of it.
Yeah.
I mean, there was this girl that I met over Facebook.
okay and we just started hanging out and what does that mean you're hanging out you guys are walking around you guys are looking at stuff where was the first date you took her i took her to a music show oh okay and did she like music were you guessing that she liked music or had she done something had she had you seen her maybe do a get you know you know do like this with her fingers or do like this or something had she given any clue to that no the only thing i saw that she loved country music okay and
you could tell that how did you know it uh i saw on her facebook oh nice little recon huh and when you saw her for the first time uh did you meet her at the place no i met her at a coffee shop okay you met her at the coffee shop oh you met her for the first time ever at a coffee shop after seeing her online right and did you meet her outside or inside inside nice nice nice nice more chill move yeah good and so what happened did it had it had it escalated or how did it go yeah
i mean we at least what i thought we were going on a couple of dates oh okay okay and what was it about it that you that you liked or like if you had to name if you had to name two things about her that you like just one word she's just a just one word just one word she's cute that's good that's good and tall show me how tall with your hand if you can i
mean she's probably five seven oh that's nice boy that's nice you need that at least i've almost you gotta have a decent amount of woman you know you want enough you want enough because sometimes unless the smaller ones they got more fire in them because the longer they get sometimes they run out of fire you meet a girl six five and she barely you know can't barely keep her eyes open because the gas can't get to get up that high um and what happened did you uh
did you guys did it escalate into a you know where you did you guys ever make out or any uh no almost okay and what happened did you yeah so we were at a karaoke bar okay nice and did you sing anything i did okay good good look at you man did you pick out the song no she did okay wow that's good that's good and then what happened um we sat next to each other
um her head was on my shoulder at one point which shoulder my right shoulder oh yeah and are you right-handed or left-handed right-handed um okay would you rather she was on your left shoulder you're okay with that i was okay with it oh yeah oh yeah and then what happened did you have because that's kind of when you move the mouth down there and you kind of take a chance right i should have oh were you feeling it in your body at all did you what were you feeling in your body i was just feeling excitement okay nervousness okay and
were you feeling erect or anything like that or you feeling calm feeling calm okay wow that's great oh man and then what happened then we left and i took her home and did you did you try to advance it at some point did you say you know did you let her know what was going on like with you or how did you know it because it sounds like it's over now yeah so i i told her a couple weeks later um sat her down was like hey can we talk and i just told her how were
you nervous i was what were you feeling like i was man i was so nervous so give me four words how you were feeling happy nervous oh yeah i could only come up with two oh yeah that's hard and then that means a lot was probably going on because yeah if you can only come up with two words dude and you had all those things going inside of you were you scared yeah okay scared terrified
oh terrified damn so you were really dealing with it all right so you sat her down where inside um just in my car oh yeah boy and did you park or were you driving park oh dude i like to keep driving if things are going to be serious because at least something's happening but once you stop you're like things feel real heavy right um or at least uh put on the wipers i do something to create like some type of a movement but
uh and what did you say to her um i told her i i was like you know that one song you know i really like you by carly race epsilon she was like yeah so i said cool well yeah that i i really like you oh you just dropped it on her huh and then what did you close your eyes after that no i kept them open i was oh that's brave as i wanted to see your reaction oh the gayest thing you can do dude and not even like in a homo erotic way is just say something real and
then just close your eyes bro oh that's unbelievable that's freaking serves whoever does that dude serve them one of them s cakes baby you know what i'm talking about um but um no she basically said it was bad timing bad timing why what what uh oh and you were still just sitting in the car yeah oh oh must have hurt did it yeah and
were you at her house or you still had a driver somewhere after no i was at her apartment oh that's good so then it's like she can leave and it's done right but what why would she say she it was bad timing i mean just her family was visiting her she had some friends from home visiting her um stuff happened with her car stuff happened with her car like what she had car problems how does car problem i mean gosh how does car problems i never heard some you know like
you know my blinker doesn't work or whatever so i can't date you or whatever like that's i don't that sounds crazy to me you know yeah like i like i need like you know my rotors are bad or whatever so i can't fall in love or something like that what it did she What else did she say about it?
Um, I mean, she just said that her car got broken into, um, which I mean, that's crime, that has nothing to do with y'all's feelings.
I don't feel like right, that's why I was really confused.
And what else?
Because you said car problems.
Um, she she was at a church and her wheel got stolen.
Are you serious?
Jesus Christ.
Jesus, take the wheel, baby.
Damn, that's just insane.
Look, brother, if you get stolen from at church, bruh, you bad luck.
That lady sounded like witchcraft, bruh.
If people stealing from you, you out there, your shit's parked in the Lord's yard, and somebody's out there jacking your wheels, baby.
Damn, son.
That's look, that's that, that's, you know, that's, if that's what's happening, man, it sounds like then maybe it was for the best, dude, because that's crazy.
I'm having car problems, so I can't date.
Like, but I guess if your wheel gets stolen, I guess it is hard to date somebody, huh?
I guess, apparently.
Damn, man.
Well, I'm sorry, dude.
I would buy, I'd honestly put a wheel on her car, bro, if she'd go out with you.
Right.
So where are you back at now?
It is ground zero.
Yep.
But still no masturbation, huh?
Right.
Unbelievable.
Dang, big dog.
You saving that thing, boy.
My God.
I know some political men that would smell your nuts for probably a couple thousand, baby.
Damn.
Well, good to see you.
You feel healthy?
I do.
Yeah.
Yeah?
You still growing?
I am.
Oh, that's great, man.
God, you got a lot going on then.
You got a lot going on.
Riley Mao, thank you so much for being here and telling us what's going on, man.
Thanks for having me on.
Yep, you bet, dude.
What else is going on?
Let me see.
We had a couple more calls that came in.
Oh, we got to Chicago and that was, oh, man, it was all awesome.
I mean, it's all touring is awesome.
You know, it's like you go and you get to see all these people and you see some of them in the street.
You see some, and it just like, like in Lafayette, I went down to the YMCA and got me a workout in right before the show.
So I'm running down the street.
Some kid work at a candy shop.
He comes running out.
He's like, you want some of these caramels, mother?
And it was just, you know, just beautiful.
You know, it's just damn beautiful, man.
And so just shit like that.
You know, I'm trying to think what else happened.
Oh, in Chicago, we get there and there's a dude outside dressed as Captain America.
And he was, he stayed outside of the bus for about two hours.
And he stood out there and he had a his, he had a sign.
And I'll put this picture in the YouTubes so you can see it.
He had a sign on him and it said something, I just saved the world, but I can't afford tickets to your show, which is crazy because there were $40 tickets available.
So that's bizarre.
But hey, but maybe that was a lot, you know, a ton for him.
And so anyway, we set him up with some tickets.
And yeah.
And I mean, he didn't even have mittens on.
And it was cold.
It was cold.
It was in an alley in Chicago.
So that was pretty, I mean, that's just crazy when Captain America's coming out to the show or even just a third stringer.
You know, when they're coming out and showing love, man, it was beautiful.
What else happened?
What else happened?
I got to have my tour manager, Tim, on soon.
He is almost the memory.
He acts as the memory.
We had, yeah, Chance Willie, Maddie Smith were on the shows, opening up.
Tall Alex.
Oh.
And we got to Chicago.
This was crazy.
We got to Chicago.
And it was just, I mean, it was the biggest show I've ever done.
You know, it was, I think 35 something, 35 something hundred.
And man, it just, it was magical.
Even just walking in that place.
And there was just so much love.
And I wish I could have done a meet and greet or jumped outside.
There's just, it was cold and there's people rape.
I mean, people running to their cars.
Chicago is kind of like you're walking down the street, somebody falls.
Fuck damn, bro.
You keep going.
I've seen people keep going.
Leave their fathers stuck in a crack.
It's just the weather is right there.
Jack Frost is, I mean, he's nipping at your nose, dude, and he's wiggling at your ass, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
He's about to serve an S cake, bro.
You know what I'm talking about.
He's about to serve one of them tangent, one of those Livingston Parish nut desserts, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
That semen cake, baby.
That energy drink.
Damn, what are they doing?
I mean, this kind of stuff has to stop, man.
When I was young, you jerked off and you did it for, you know, mostly for yourself only.
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What else?
What else do we have that happened?
I mean, yeah, it was just so magical.
I wish I was feeling better.
I've had a fever for about four days.
And so my, everything just feels kind of, I think that weather got me.
But I'm trying to think of some other stuff that we were on the bus.
I mean, the bus is just, you're just kind of, you know, it's tight confines on there.
And you breathe in a lot of the same air.
So you can't get a lot of new ideas because your air has the same, it's coming to your body and going out.
So you basically just huffing the same bullshit that's been in your brain because, I mean, you know, if you have an idea in your body and in your head and you breathe out, it's part of it's in the air.
You breathe it back in, then you just sitting there.
You basically just hot hose hitting your own freaking poor choices sometimes at some points.
But I wanted to come and be here with you guys.
I wanted to take a couple of calls and see what was going on in you guys' world as well.
What do we got right here?
Hey, Theo, it is Jessica from California, and I'm not sure if ladies are allowed to call in.
Oh, yeah, ladies, welcome.
Ladies, welcome.
Thank you.
Don't hear a lot of that.
Anyhow, I just want to say I'm really taken by the last episode, the episode you had, solo, talking about ayahuasca and therapy and all of that.
I went to Peru myself into ayahuasca, and the way you articulated it was perfect.
Like giving your, like God giving the secrets away or giving your heart a chance to talk was really beautiful and spot on.
Thank you very much.
Yeah.
It's like your heart gets a brain in it.
It's like your soul gets to fart kind of.
It's unbelievable.
I just got back from another experience with it, and I'm going to talk about that a lot.
I'm not really ready to yet.
I don't think.
I don't want to talk about it when I feel like I'm on kind of a when I'm I just want to feel a little more settled.
This week has been just a ride and last weekend is when I did the ayahuasca the second time.
So this has been just a and then I went right into the touring.
So it's just been a wild week.
Let's hear more.
And reminding me how much I need to get back to it because I don't think it's just a one-shot deal.
And just thank you for your vulnerability because you show a good example to men on how to be vulnerable.
I know you probably don't think that way with what you're struggling with, but it is good to have an example to the masculine about how it looks and what it looks like to be in touch with yourself and not to be scared of that.
So you're doing great, and I thank you for your vulnerability.
And maybe I'll see you around.
I love the video.
It doesn't matter.
Okay.
Well, thank you again.
Shooters, shoot, baby.
I love you, young lady.
Thank you for the call.
Yeah, you know, I don't really have any other choice, I don't think, but to be where I'm at in my life.
And it is hard.
Sometimes I feel, you know, sometimes I feel like a little bitch, honestly, in some ways.
I know that's just a term, right?
But I didn't have, I need, you know, I think part of me, I grew a little, I grew a little bitch in me because I didn't have that motherly love I needed.
So part of me probably sprouted a bitch inside of me because I needed that.
It's amazing what you will create, what you're, what you will create inside of yourself when you need it.
So, but anyway, thanks for the words.
Yeah, I'm just, I don't know.
I'm just trying to be alive and yeah, I just, I don't know.
The ayahuasca experience has been a, it's been really amazing.
I don't know if it's, I don't know, I have a lot of thoughts on it.
I'll get into it at a different time, maybe next week when it just hasn't been such a jump, just a, it just hasn't been such a time.
This has been a long little stretch.
I feel rattled right now, kind of all over the place.
I'm trying to make it down to Mardi Gras to spend some time with my family in Louisiana.
You know, I miss, I miss my hometown some, and I miss my family some.
And yeah, I don't know.
I really just, I don't know.
I miss being around people that I know really care about me and who I care about.
So I'm going to go, I hope to spend some time doing a little bit of that this week.
So what else?
What else do we have?
Do you have any regrets about the lady, Riley?
I don't.
Do you feel like she was into you?
Do you feel like, what do you feel like?
Yeah, I felt like she was into me.
did you do something that sent her away?
Do you feel like there was a false move you made?
No, I didn't.
Damn, man, I feel for you.
I feel for you.
And do you feel like she had good intentions with you?
Oh, definitely.
Okay.
Okay, man.
But you're out there.
You're looking for love, huh?
I am.
Gosh, you're right there on the front lines, aren't you?
But you're not even, yeah, damn.
And now, what if you get her to a moment with a woman and she wants to be sexual?
You know what I'm saying?
She wants that Livingston Parish dessert.
What are you going to do then?
I don't know.
I don't think it'll ever get to that point.
What?
It has to, huh?
I mean, at some point, you have to, you know, you just, why?
You just think you're not going to have any luck with ladies?
I don't know.
I don't know.
So far, not yet.
Hmm.
But how old are you now?
23. Oh, you got time to kill then, man.
I think if by 30, you haven't maybe gotten, you know, at least a, I mean, what are you allowed to do sexually before you have to go to church, before you have to get married?
I mean, how can you have any type of sexual interaction or it's just actual sex you can't have?
I think it's just actual sex you can't have.
Okay.
Okay.
So you can get a little feeling and a little touchy-touchy and do some heavy hugging, huh?
Right.
Okay.
Damn, there you go.
Wow, bum.
Man, and you haven't even had a wet dream or anything like that, huh?
Right.
Now, I'm surprised, dude.
I'm surprised Satan didn't just pry open that little tuna can, bruh.
Damn, brother.
I'm surprised, dude.
I bet a damn strong wind comes up your spine the right way, dude.
You'll start.
Oh, you'll water the pants.
Yeah, thank you guys.
A lot of great calls came in about ayahuasca stuff and thoughts like that.
And I will get into it.
Maybe next week, I'm still kind of sorting through some of my feelings.
Because you come out that thing and you really, a lot of your peel is gone.
So you just, you feeling just, damn.
You just heavy in the peach, baby.
You know, your peach is feeling real damp.
So would you ever try something like that?
An exotic drug, Riley?
I wouldn't.
Really?
Yeah.
God is your dope, huh?
Man, I love it.
My God, boy, I want to cut your damn arm up and eat that bitch.
What else?
You have any other, you want to say goodbye, Riley?
Anything?
Actually, now that I think of it, I don't think she had good intentions.
Who's the date?
Right.
Oh, wow.
What made you believe that?
I just feel like she was using me for all my connections.
What do you mean?
What type of connections for?
For all of my bands, her favorite artists.
Oh.
Because you work in audio and you felt maybe she was using you.
Right.
Wow.
Any band in particular?
Yeah, Shinedown's one of them.
Damn.
Look, that's the world we live in, Riley.
And that's the thing.
I don't know if I want you out here with you, you know, getting sprung out and hammering down on these chickens, bruh.
Because that's the world we live in, Riley.
A woman will come over here and she'll freaking, you know, she'll rub that little genie lamp of some little Christian just to get some damn shine down tickets out of them, you know?
And that's the kind of shit that breaks my heart.
Oh, man.
How do you know?
How are you going to know in the future, Riley, if they're good?
I guess it doesn't matter.
You just keep trying, huh?
Right.
Damn.
That's it, baby.
Just throw your heart up in the air and hit that bitch with a bat.
And then you just, you hope somebody catches it, you know?
You hope somebody catches it.
And are you guys allowed to do homosexuality in your church or not?
I don't think so.
Well, damn.
Riley Mao, guys, out here getting taken advantage of.
It's dark, baby.
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Yeah, I'm excited to get to Louisiana and see my family.
I wanted to make this episode because the same reason.
We do, you know, we try to show up.
So you guys showed up for me this week.
You guys show up for me every week.
You know, I don't think I tell you sometimes enough how much you guys mean to me and girls and just, man, I just feel, I don't know.
I feel like we're doing something.
You know, I don't know what it is.
But I feel like it's the right thing, baby.
Gang, gang, you know?
So you guys be good to yourselves.
You deserve it.
And I'm going to try and do the same.
Let's hit this one on the way out.
This is Robert Finley.
Get it while you can off his album, Going Platinum.
Robert Finley.
Come in the movie.
You got to take it where you can get it.
And get it while you get it.
You ever go to any of those church camps, Riley Mao?
I have not.
Wow, you never have?
Nope.
You never went to a church camp or nothing?
Nada.
You ever been at a...
I feel like a lot of times that happens with young men.
You're somewhere else and you see somebody masturbate themselves.
You never witnessed anything like that, huh?
I have not.
And you ever had a brother?
You ever brother?
I do.
And have you ever walked in on him on accident or something or, you know, bumped into him real hard and he came or something?
No, I don't think so.
Wow.
Wow.
Y'all just have a different family, man.
I feel like that's a lot of times.
A lot of young men, they learn it like that.
They learn it like that.
You get...
Can you still look at him the same?
Is everything still okay between you?
And if you saw him, do you tell him?
You let him know that?
Or is that a private thing?
And, you know, or if your brother saw you, how did you handle that?
You know, how'd you handle that?
Hit the hotline with somebody that might be interested in chattering.
We can learn from each other.
985-664-9503.
What do you think on that rally?
Yeah.
You heard the man.
You heard the man.
Get it while you can.
Wrap it up in baker.
still You got to take it where you can get it.
And get it where you can.
She had a disposition.
But she like gone.
Yeah, I want to thank Bizzle Gibbons.
I want to thank Isaac Heckert for the support this week.
Colin Reiner, Riley Mao, Jimmy Rector, everybody who helps make this podcast and the tour work.
You guys be good to yourselves, baby gang.
Love you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Aye, Sweet.
Here's a deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jermaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Wow.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?