Ms. Pat is a comedian, actor, and podcaster from Atlanta, GA. She is currently shooting season 2 of The Ms. Pat Show which airs on BET+, and has a new special out on Netflix called, Y'All Wanna Hear Something Crazy?
Ms. Pat sits down with Theo to discuss The Dukes of Hazard, neighborhood crackheads, beef between black people and aliens, and Ms. Pat's favorite memory of her friend Bob Saget.
Find Ms. Pat at: https://www.instagram.com/comediennemspat/?hl=en
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Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek
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Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner
Producer: Isaac https://www.instagram.com/isaacheckert/?hl=en
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Today's guest, I'm grateful to finally have her in studio.
She is from Atlanta, but has been living in Indiana for quite some time.
We'll hear more about it.
She is the creator and star of the Miss Pat Show, which is currently on BET Plus and Paramount Plus.
She also has her new special on Netflix.
You can check it out.
It's called Y'all Want to Hear Something Crazy.
She's my new friend, and she brought some beautiful ladies with her.
I'll say that.
Some real lookers.
The hilarious Miss Pat.
And let myself all my shine light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song I've been singing just for.
So you're moving back to Atlanta.
Are you excited?
Are you?
I just moved back.
I am excited.
I shoot the show there.
I shoot the Miss Pat show there, and I shot my special there.
I'm from Atlanta, so my husband just retired.
And I was like, look, I'm ready to get the fuck out of Indiana.
Let's go home.
Yeah.
So I bought some land and I'm building on it.
Dang.
What y'all going to have?
Like anything special at the house?
Like anything you always wanted?
I wanted a podcast studio because right now I was doing it a little bit everywhere.
I do it on Zoom.
And then when I was in India, I would do it out of my movie theater room.
So I really want to get big time like you and everybody else.
So I built a podcast studio outside the house.
Oh, nice.
And y'all going to have what else?
A pool?
A pool, a basketball court.
Nice.
It's going to be all right.
Yeah.
You got any fancy neighbors?
Like, is it in a fancy place?
No, it's not in a fancy place.
12 people.
The youngest person might be 65. At your house?
At my house.
Or in your neighborhood.
Little small neighborhood.
And it had a couple acreages, and I just bought it.
Dang.
I knew I wanted a big house, but I didn't want a big mortgage.
Yeah.
So I just found some land and I told a house down and I'm going to get with it.
Damn.
And who's going to live at the house with you?
Your husband?
You?
I have four kids that I have custody of, my niece kids.
And then I have a 21, well, 22 and a 23-year-old.
Damn.
They have three grandkids and my son.
They live nearby.
Yeah, your life's crazy.
I felt like even just a half hour of your special, I felt like I watched it.
It reminded me of The Wire.
Remember that show?
Oh, yeah.
It took a long time for me to get into The Wire.
Me too.
My husband is a Christian.
I mean, he grew up Christian.
And I grew up, you know, of course, selling drugs.
You know, my background.
And he was kept raving about, you got to watch this show.
I don't want to watch that bullshit.
I love this shit.
And one day I sat down and I watched The Wire.
I was like, oh, my God, this shit is so fucking real.
Yeah, they did a good job.
They did a good fucking job.
And I think I got into it like in the fourth season.
Oh, yeah.
Real late.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't get into it, I don't think, until like one year ago.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
That's one of the best underrated shows that was out there.
And it was so fucking real.
Yeah.
I could really relate.
You know what show I really missed was In the Heat of the Night.
Do you remember that show?
I do remember In the Heat of the Night.
Remember that show?
Yeah, it was good, huh?
You telling your age, Theodore?
What, I'm showing my age, you mean?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
That's why they need to do a remake so I can sound really like I know what like I just miss.
Dude, I saw the lady from In the Heat of the Night one time eating breakfast with her husband.
I lost my mind.
Do you remember the detective, his wife?
Not quite.
You know who I remember from the heat of the night?
It's the black dude and then the officer.
The other one.
Oh, yeah, Carol O'Connor.
Yeah, Carol O'Connor.
The black guy, Virgil Tibbs, that was his name.
His wife was Althea.
And I saw her at the breakfast place and I really lost it.
Oh, wow.
I've never heard nobody say they was crazy about the heat of the night.
Yeah, I loved it.
I really loved it.
My shit was Duke Sahaza back in that era.
Really?
You like them country boys?
Well, I'm from the South.
And, you know, everybody was going crazy over Daisy Duke, you know, because I was really young.
And the boys were going crazy over Bo Duke is who I thought was fucking drop gorgeous.
Damn.
Oh, I had the biggest crush on Bo Duke.
Let's pull him up, Colin.
Can we get Bo Duke up there?
Back in the day.
And one of them is a homosexual man, I think, isn't he?
One of them loved men, yeah.
Or preferred men.
Where you get this?
Oh, I think everybody knows it, I think.
The one with the black hair?
I think you might have been.
Don't tell me about baby daddy.
I know.
I think you might have been lusting after that man, man.
Bo?
Damn.
That's Bo right there, the one with the blonde hair.
Yeah.
What about the picture with that hat with just a no shirt on?
Oh, everybody loved Bo Duke back in the day.
Yeah, he was good, huh?
Yeah.
I think they down in Georgia, aren't they?
I don't know.
Bo Duke.
I don't know.
One of them, I think, preferred men.
I could be wrong, but I don't know.
So your husband, I heard you met him in the, he was in the military, and then and now he's done.
He's retired?
He retired.
What was he?
Six, seven years in the military or something like that.
And when I met him, he had just got out.
So he was really young.
And he worked for General Motors.
He makes the Allison Transmission for the Military Division.
Oh, wow.
And so he retired about two, two, three months ago.
Dang.
In December, he retired.
Is it weird?
Because some people say when people get retired, then it gets weird around the house because somebody's around more.
I'm never around.
So I'm like, literally, I do morning radio at V103 in Atlanta.
And then I leave there and I go to sit.
And if I'm not doing sit, I'm fucking traveling.
But it's a little weird having him home doing a day.
I think he's bored out of his mind.
And I'm like, what do you want to do?
I'm cool.
I'm cool.
I'm like, you want to come see me tape the show?
Because it's in front of a live studio audience.
I'm cool.
I'm cool.
So I just, I think he's just got to jest because my husband's so used To being head of the household, and he's been working our whole fucking marriage since I've known him.
And this is first time not having a job.
So I think he's kind of a jest to the shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got to get a wife or something one day.
Yeah, I only ever been with one black woman in my life.
And she had.
Ain't nobody stopping you, Theo.
That mullet you rocking might be stopping you.
You think this is a stop sign, huh?
For black women.
Well, it don't say you like us.
That haircut do not say you like sisters.
Damn, maybe I need to put on some Melson B one.
I've never seen a black woman fuck a white dude with a mullet.
Oh, we're about to change the game.
But you need to cut that motherfucking mullet off.
Oh, I don't know, baby.
This is really my firepowers in there.
Well, you need to explain to the black woman.
This is my firepower.
It ain't what you thinking.
Yeah, yeah, no, it's not like a racist emblem.
It's just my, I just feel more confident.
Well, you don't have on the Confederate flag, but it's just the haircut.
Black women are very petite about what they men look like.
Yeah.
You never, that's why you never, that's why you never really see black men with dirty shoes.
Unless they just ain't got no money.
Right.
But if you fly, you're going to always see black men with clean shoes on.
Yeah, black people always smell real exciting.
Exciting, goddamn.
Yeah.
Oh, dude, you know if a fucking, you'll meet a brother.
He smells like a damn bath and body works.
You know what I'm saying?
Sometimes black people, I feel like a lot of times they just are more flashy.
Flashy, yeah.
Why is it?
Why is it?
Is it just because we make everything look good?
Yeah.
I mean, if you want to sell something, let's be honest, who you take it to?
You take it to the African-American.
You take it to the black people because we make everything flashy.
Black, are you doing that wrong?
Yeah.
I mean, think about it.
How many white athletes got a shoe?
Your boy Tom Brady had some Uggs.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
That's true.
And then, oh, boy, Larry Bird had the converse.
And it's only because him and Magic had that thing going on back in the day.
It's really hard.
You got to...
That's a good point, huh?
Yeah, because, you know, you want something to sell, you take it at us.
Damn, huh?
Yeah, we walk in the advertisement all the time.
We turn anything hot and fresh.
Yeah, huh?
Yeah, I think people always look to the black community for like what's cool, huh?
We're the coolest people on earth.
Yeah.
Nobody's cooler than us.
That's why we cop it.
Yeah, let me think who else could be.
Maybe aliens.
I heard somewhere that black people and aliens don't get along.
Did you ever hear it?
Is that like a thing in the black culture?
Do you really think alien is fucking real?
I mean, they got to have some of them.
Well, how many times do you think a black person made an alien?
I don't know.
Do you know anything?
Fuck no.
Are you serious?
Well, I don't know if you guys are telling, not saying something.
Who the fuck do y'all think as noses white people is?
Y'all motherfuckers know if it was aliens before us.
We mine all motherfucking business.
You ain't never heard no black people say, I'm just going to go to the moon and fuck with these people in the sky.
That's white people shit.
That ain't all shit.
The fuck are you talking about?
Yeah, that's probably true.
Aliens and black people don't get along.
What the fuck, that's supposed to be?
I don't know.
That's just what I heard.
That's like something I heard through the grapevine over the years.
That's like an old wives tale or something, you know.
Well, let me, well, I've heard all white men dicks is small.
That ain't true, is it?
No.
Well, thank you.
Yeah.
You hurry up and defend that.
No, no, absolutely not.
Oh, that's wild.
What else is going on today?
Not much, really.
Just chilling, pretty much, you know?
I'm trying to think of something else super that's exciting.
So you got your special out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I watched about 30 minutes of it last night.
It was awesome.
You tell so many jokes.
I mean, you just thank you.
Robert Townsend directed it.
And it wasn't easy getting it together with him.
Boy, he worked the shit out of me.
Really?
I had to meet with him once a week for four hours a day on Zoom and do my whole set.
And he would take it and twist it.
He would listen to every set I did out on the road and hit me back that Monday and say, this is what we're going to work on this Wednesday.
Are you serious?
I've never heard of a director doing that.
I haven't either.
But, you know, to step to Robert Townsend and say, you want him to direct your special when he only did Raw for Eddie Murphy.
I think, I hope I said the right one for Eddie Murphy, but he did Eddie Murphy Raw and he did Bill Cosby last one.
To step to say you want him to direct your special, that was huge.
Wow.
And he was like, no.
And I was like, I need you.
I knew I just needed him.
You know, I just felt like he was a director that would care, that would sit down.
This is my first special.
I really wanted it to be good.
And it took a minute, but he finally came through and he directed it for me.
And it was not easy work.
Wow.
He really put you through it.
He put me through it.
I mean, and so I was supposed to tape it a year early, but the pandemic hit.
So he came on right after the right after the pandemic hit, I think.
And he worked the dog shit out of me.
Damn.
I will call him again if I got another special because, you know, when you drop a special, you really worry about, you know, do people going to think it's funny?
Is it going to flow right?
I didn't watch it.
I watched the cuts and put together, but I was like, I don't really want to be, you know, because I'm scared.
I'm scared what people are going to think about it.
And I just started to look at the feedback.
People are like, oh my God, it's so good.
It's so funny.
Just joke.
It reminded me of comedy back in the day.
And, you know, because I'm not, I'm not, I say what the fuck I want to say.
Oh, yeah, you do for sure.
More than anybody I think I've heard in a long time.
Yeah, so, I mean, you know, the counsel culture, they out there.
I mean, I'm not worried about them.
I'm going to say what the fuck I want to say.
You digest it how the fuck you want to say it.
Yeah.
And one of the things that was really, Robert really liked, the thing I did at the end, I don't know if you got to the end.
My daughter is gay.
And I tell all of these bits about my daughter being gay.
And then I do this whole speech at the end about, you know, which at first I didn't think they was going to take it.
So I said, I said, no matter what you've been through in life, learn how to laugh at it.
I don't give a fuck if somebody stuck their thumb up your ass.
If they didn't get past the knuckle, you won.
And Netflix was like, what the fuck?
But that's what I've been saying on stage with that hour I had for the longest.
Because I mean, I don't give a fuck what you've been through.
You can get through it if you believe that you can get through it.
The mind is a strong muscle.
It take on what you put in it.
If you say I'm depressed, your mind will make your whole body depressed.
So I don't use words like unhappy and depressed, and I can't.
I tell a motherfucker, it ain't, there's not a such thing as you can't.
There's a yes some way if you keep trying.
Wow.
Yeah, that's a good attitude.
Yeah, I recently been thinking that like whatever I thought, if I have a thought, it becomes a feeling.
So I got to be real careful about what my thoughts are.
Yeah, because if you say, if you tell yourself that you're not good, your mind will make you the whole body feel like you're not good.
Damn.
And I've just learned that.
I learned that actually from a teacher.
Her name is Miss Troop.
She said you can do and be anything in the fucking world you want to be.
The dumbest question is the question not asked.
And that made me ask people any fucking thing I wanted to ask them.
But it's so funny because a lot of people will hear a teacher say something like that, right?
Because probably teachers say that to everybody in a way.
But a lot of times it doesn't activate in us, you know?
I wonder what made it that active.
You know what I'm saying?
It's kind of interesting how.
This teacher spent a lot of time with me because I grew up in the inner city of Atlanta in the ghetto.
And she would, you know, like she taught me how to read.
And, you know, she just instilled a lot of things in me that my mama did.
Yeah.
And I'm 50 now and I still quote her to this day.
Wow.
When I'm down and out, I said, Miss Troop said, I can do and be in the fucking thing I want to be.
When I went to my husband, said, I'm going to be a comedian.
He's like, girl, because I'm a convicted fellow.
He's like, just keep the fucking job at General Motor.
I'm like, no, I want to be a comedian.
This shit look easy.
I'm having fun.
You get to eat because everybody start doing comedy.
Well, at least I did to eat the free food and drinks and shit.
And he's like, I get to eat.
And hey, you get that little tension.
And my husband's like, just keep the fucking job at General Motor.
I say, no.
I'm going to be a fucking comedian.
He's like, oh, Lord, this bitch just don't want to work.
That is true.
A lot of comedians, because part of the temptation in the beginning is this shit does not feel like a real job.
It don't.
It just feels kind of, if you have a natural acclimation and be making people laugh, you're like, this shit is easy.
It's easy.
It's fun.
You hanging out with people you like.
You up all night.
You get them $20, $30.
And, you know, them few little things, especially like if you ain't got no real bills or you a waiter or something and you go to your job during the day.
But it's so much fun at night to hang around people that you really fucking like.
They do what you do.
And you watch everybody turn that fucking happiness into a struggle where they trying to make it or trying to make this shit work for them.
So this is all they got to do because this is what they love to do.
Yeah.
Yeah, there is something that's kind of beautiful about it in that sense, you know?
Do you think sometimes I feel like strippers, I notice a similarity between strippers and comedians.
Do you ever feel that way a little bit?
I don't know a goddamn thing about strippers.
I'm fatter than a motherfucker.
What the fuck, man?
You think I know aliens, stripper?
What's going to be next for you, Theo?
I don't know shit about it.
I don't even go to no fucking strip club.
I don't even like pussy.
I don't like my own pussy.
So why am I going to go and look at other big food pussy?
You need to stay the fuck out of them strip clubs.
I don't like them either.
I'm just telling you.
Evidently, you do.
You asking me.
I noticed that comedy and pussy go together.
Not for me.
I don't know shit about no goddamn script.
I'm a fact.
Bitches built like me do videos like Lizzo.
We don't know who.
Lizzo got shot.
Didn't she?
She's the one that got shot or not.
No, you're getting your black folks next time.
That was a making a stallion got shot in the foot.
Lizzo is the plus size woman who be giving it to him on the internet.
Lizzo be throwing that thick at you.
Yeah, she be throwing that thick butter.
Yeah, she be throwing that, baby.
She got that bus is quick, baby.
That bitch is quick.
And that ain't no country crop either.
She be greased up.
She look like if you grab her, she'll slip out your hand.
Oh, you can't even get a hug on her.
No.
You can't even lock a hug on her.
I don't know what kind of cocoa butter they used on Lizzo, but I'd be like, her ass is shiny, and she be throwing that flat at your ass.
She's beautiful, but I love me some Lizzo.
That's hilarious.
So why did you say you think comedy and strippers go together?
Because it's like putting yourself out there.
There's something about it.
Like it's you're like putting whatever you have inside of you out there.
Both of us naked.
Because once you get on stage, the stripper is naked.
As a comedian, you really don't know if they're going to last.
So you're naked too until you grab control, until you learn how to slide down that pole.
Yeah, yeah.
So I would agree with you a little bit.
But I don't go to strip club.
I don't want to smell that shit in there.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
I never really, I guess, well, I remember the first time I ever went, me and my friend Lance were in Louisville, and I was too young to get in, but he could get in.
So he'd go in and tell me what it looked like, and he'd come back out and tell me and, you know, show me the shape of the breast with his hands and everything like that, you know?
He'd come in and show you, oh, was you 10?
No, I was probably 16, but we tried and they wouldn't let me in.
So he'd just be describing everything to me, and I was sitting in the car.
Did you get off with that?
Have me a couple beers.
I don't remember if I did.
I probably did.
At 16, having a couple beers?
I mean, I was just in, because I had to stay in the vehicle, you know?
So he went inside and he would come back out and just.
I'm sorry.
You drinking beetles at 16?
Yeah.
Where are you from?
I'm from Louisiana.
Oh, no wonder.
Y'all do.
You probably were biting gays, putting hickeys on alligator necks at 16. They definitely Because I grew up in an area that nobody had pets.
People just had animals, you know?
Like, you would just see an animal in your neighborhood, you know?
Like a cat or you would see somebody or just a dog would be there, you know?
I didn't grow up in an area with a lot of like.
Well, they gave a fuck about the animal.
Oh, dude, I remember the first time I ever saw a dog in somebody's house, bro, and they loved it.
That shit blew my mind, man.
I said they loved it.
Well, when I blew my mind.
When I was coming up, you didn't, dogs wasn't in the house.
You could tie them up to a tree.
Yeah, and I think I did that bit on my special.
I was like, you do that shit now, you're going to fucking jail.
You can't tie the dogs up to the trees anymore.
I mean, dog houses are obsolete.
You can't fucking use them.
They literally got to be treated like you.
And I was like, fuck you.
You don't even work.
So why am I treating you like me?
Yeah, at least the dogs in Alaska and stuff, they're doing sled and they're doing work during the day.
But yeah, these just a lot of local animals, bro, they really just, a lot of them don't pull their weight, you know?
Don't pull their weight.
I don't think.
You say they didn't have a home, so they just hanging out on the corner like the drunk.
But that's more normal.
But once people got them inside, yeah, it definitely got a little bit weird.
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Oh, thank you.
That's my gay daughter.
She let me give her a gay shout out.
Oh, yeah, she is.
And she's very beautiful.
We'll have to put her picture on her Instagram up.
Yeah, please do that.
Okay, dang, there you go.
And so does she let you pick out any of the ladies she likes or mother doesn't matter?
She be picking out them rough bitches.
She does?
Yeah.
Them gang, but she likes, what do you mean, like the W have like the centers?
No, she just rolling with them shooting guards.
Them shooting guards.
No, they be big bitches.
Oh, wow.
They be, I don't know.
We have a running joke with her.
She don't keep them long.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They got to make it a three Thanksgiving before they really be a part of the family.
That makes sense, kind of.
It's realistic.
Do a lot of is it, do people keep being gay a secret more in black culture than they do, you think?
I mean, I only know really white culture.
You know, I was around black culture a lot growing up, but I wasn't black, so I could just guess, you know?
If you around black culture, you know black culture.
I didn't grow around white people, but I moved around and I realized they love leaving shit at your door.
They bake funny.
What was your question?
Yeah, it's kind of like friszing a little bit.
They didn't bring you a baked good.
They always bring you fucking baked goods.
I mean, when I live in NNL, I'm like, God damn, white people.
Stop bringing shit to the door.
We ain't even eating this shit.
But my neighbors were great in Plainfield, Indiana.
What was your question?
It used to be more secret.
It was when I was coming up.
They used to call them punks when I was coming up.
You don't give a fuck what you say, do you?
I don't know.
That's what they called them when I was coming up.
But like when my daughter came out, and I'm 50, so I would use the word Bulldyker.
And she was like, mama, you can't say the word bulldoger.
And I'm like, why?
She said, because nobody says that anymore.
And it's just like a white person call you an N-word.
I was like, when the fuck did they change it to that?
So on my sitcom, we did a whole episode about using the rocket or words.
And you can't say stuff like, they're called lesbians.
Uh-huh.
A stud.
So you can't say bulldykers and it's punks.
And you can't call people that.
You can't say it.
You lose your fucking, you lose everything.
Or you'll gain a lot of people that just believe in just saying whatever they want.
That's what I think about you.
I think I'm a fan because she says what she wants to say.
I get the real her.
Well, I do.
I do.
But I'm not, if I find out something hurts you, I'm not going to say it.
Like, I tell you, when I moved to Indiana, to be honest with you, I had never heard of the word cunt.
And I was at a comedy club and this comedian called this white lady a cunt and she just boo-hooed.
And I was like, what the fuck is a cunt?
And why is she crying like that?
And she, and one of the comedians, like, that is like a black man called you a bitch.
I was like, hold on, white girl, start crying.
Let's whoop this motherfucker ass.
But I didn't know that.
So if I know that you, if I know something is going to hurt you, I won't say it to, you know, to hurt your feelings.
So I'm not going to say the F word.
I'm not going to call a lesbian a bulldog because that is derogatory.
But, you know, if I'm at the house, my daughter might get everything.
Yeah.
And that's okay.
That's different.
Yeah, that's different.
That's different.
Yeah, I think people don't delineate kind of what is different or what isn't different, you know?
Yeah, you don't want to do anything, you know, to hurt anybody.
But words have changed.
You know, I think this generation of people is a lot softer.
You know, they can't take the shit we used to take.
You know, they out, you know, when we got bullied, we just fucking got bullied and fucking dealt with it and showed the bullet 20 years later when they fattened our head out of the kids, you ain't shit.
These kids here immediately, you know, can't take criticism and stuff like that.
They, you know, they want to jump off a fucking bridge.
I know.
You know, it's like, times have changed so much where back in the day where you were working, I don't know if it was hidden from us or we just, you know, we just see it more now.
Like crybaby.
Oh, that's interesting.
Yeah, because before, if somebody took their life or something or we didn't really hear about it.
We didn't know.
And now it's like, boom.
In your face, you know, this person, like, why?
You know, life is beautiful, but then mental illness was not a forefront like it is today.
Mental illness used to be hilarious, man.
You see somebody that's mentally ill, you're like, fuck, dog.
Yeah.
They really.
It was your uncles, and, you know, you wanted him to be.
Every uncle.
Every uncle was mentally ill.
Not every, but you had a little bit of a bill.
But a lot of them, man.
60%, 70%.
Yeah, we had a few that was, you know, but now you can't pick at that stuff anymore.
You got to say, what the hell is that?
Oh, yeah.
Rodney's not doing well.
You got to say stuff like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So times just have changed.
And, you know, we have to put a, I think the world has held us to caring a little bit more.
Or caring about each other, you think?
We should, but yeah, it's trying to get there.
Yeah, I think that's a good point.
I think it is trying to get there.
Do you think, oh, what was Halloween like in a black community?
What was that?
I always wonder what that's like.
It's like I've heard comedian makes jokes about you go to the white neighborhood to get the big Snickers.
But it was like, you just, like every other Halloweens.
I don't think, I know in my community, they didn't go out on costumes like they do today.
And I think it had a lot to do with people couldn't afford them or they really wasn't into them.
And like my mother-in-law, she didn't believe in Halloween because she thought it was the devil's day.
Damn.
Because she was super Christian and shit.
So they wasn't allowed to go trick-or-treating and put on costumes and shit like that.
But we were just going on regular clothes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, that's interesting.
Yeah, I think we used to get like, oh, my dad was real old.
My dad was 70 when I was born.
He was an old man.
Your daddy was 70?
Yeah, he was 70. He was born in 1910, right?
So he was real old.
So he.
How the hell did that happen?
Your mama was selling pussy?
No, she was just giving it out.
How old was your mother?
32. My mother was 32 and all that.
Was your daddy rich?
No.
And that's the crazy part.
Was they in Tennessee?
No, they was in Louisiana.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Your mama fucked a 90-year-old.
70. Yeah, yeah, 70. And he was a handsome guy.
But how long was he around after you was born?
Two weeks?
I know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your mama gave birth when your daddy died.
God damn.
It felt like it, man.
Every day I saw him, like, damn, he getting smaller and smaller.
He's about to meet me in the middle.
That's what I felt like.
Your daddy was 86?
Yeah, he was damned.
How old was you when he died?
16. So I was getting pretty old, but.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Yeah, so it was.
Why your mama say she did?
I'm interested.
Why your mama would fuck somebody that old?
Did she need her fucking trailer paid for some shit?
My mother doesn't say anything about it.
Yes, she doesn't say anything about it.
Is you the only child?
Well, of course you don't.
We got four children.
I got two young children.
Not by that old man.
Yeah.
Not by that old man.
You might need to check your DNA.
I guarantee you, that was a younger nigga up the street.
A younger person up the street, baby.
And she just put it on that old man because he was taking care of the household.
Maybe.
He wasn't taking care of much, man.
Dude, the best things I'm trying to think.
My dad bought a cutlass, right?
Because we lived in like in a black and white neighborhood.
So my dad bought a cutlass from a couple brothers around the corner from us.
And it had like 22s in the trunk, right?
So he, and he was, he couldn't even hear, right?
So he would drive around listening to Paul Harvey.
Remember that guy on the radio who did like the weather reporting?
It's like Paul Harvey, like the old dude.
He would listen to, it would just, it had a ton of bass, though.
It'd be like the weather and like, it was like AM radio and shit he would listen to.
Rush Limbaugh just boom.
Your daddy was a Russian Limbaugh person.
Yeah, but he would listen to it with like a ton of bass though.
It's different when you hear it with bass.
I bet it is.
He's screaming.
He's screaming to a beat.
But it was a little bit different.
That was interesting, I guess.
I can't get over your daddy.
Who's your granddad?
Oh, my grandfather was born in 1880, which is crazy.
That's wild.
Him and your daddy went to school together.
Was he alive when you were born?
No, no, he was gone.
That's the only reason why your daddy got your mama because your granddaddy had already died.
Shit, I've heard fucking for rent money, but that's fucking for Social Security.
Yeah, that's the crazy part.
I was like, who's fucked?
Why?
I just didn't understand.
Your mom's still alive?
Yeah, she's still alive.
Don't tell me she got another old man.
No, she married another guy, but he was only 20 years older.
But he ended up passing away.
Everybody died with your mama, too, though.
Shoot.
Your mama like that's soft dick.
Yeah.
She got lights out there.
How the fuck a seven-year-old woman Do yeah, I guess maybe people's penises get softer over time.
I don't know.
I'm not sure.
I just know how much.
I mean, I know how, you know, my own penis over my own time, but I don't know.
How old are you, Theo?
I'm 40 years old.
I'm 41. It's coming.
Damn.
I don't want that, man.
Nobody wants it, but it can't stay hard forever.
I'm telling you, if that's your daddy, your mama swallow.
I don't mean to be mean.
But I just don't see no 70-year-old man back.
what even no Viagra to help your daddy out back then?
So, you got it.
So, if they had no Viagra, he was doing that on sheer willpower, and there's something beautiful about that.
No, ain't no 70-year-old man.
You lying, Phil.
That ain't you.
I swear to God, it ain't.
I'm telling them, brother, sold your daddy that car might be your dad because you talk like a brother, too.
You just got that Joe Dirk.
I got a big ass, baby.
I do have a kind of a big ass, you know.
I will say that.
Black men ain't got no big ass.
I'm just saying, you might need to check your DNA.
You might be a little bit of black.
Oh, dude, I'll take a little.
I expect, yeah, I'll take a little if I could get it, you know.
I wonder how you get that white kid that gets really obsessed with black culture.
Like, you know, it's funner.
It's like, it's a cool thing to do.
And I felt like those kids.
You know, I just like we rode on the same bus.
It's funny because you say your daddy listened to Rush Limbaugh.
Yeah, but that was him.
That's because I think that was just another senior citizen, you know?
He didn't try to spill that over into your life?
No, he wasn't.
No.
No, my dad wasn't racist.
I think he was just a Republican, but he wasn't like a racist guy.
Our family wasn't like redneck or anything.
My dad was from Nicaragua, and my mom was from Illinois.
Well, how the fuck you end up with the redneck haircut?
It only looked good on you because you've been rocking this shit for a long time.
I like that.
You coming around now.
No, you remind me of vanilla ice.
You coming around.
Ice, ice, baby.
I used to love that fucking song.
It was good, huh?
Well, I heard you talking about you still watching Leave It to Beaver.
I grew up watching, yeah, I used to like live through the television shows.
Yeah.
So how do you think if you grew up like in such an environment that was probably so dangerous, what do you really think?
I know you talked about it.
It wasn't dangerous.
It was poor.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry.
I mean, because you got to think, if you know black culture, back in those days, we wasn't, all of this black on black violence wasn't happening.
That didn't happen to crack hit the black community.
Yeah.
Then that shit happened.
So when I was growing up, it was just poverty.
It was just poverty.
That's what it was.
You know, and when you poor like that as a kid, you really don't know you poor until you grow up and then look and society tell you.
Because a lot of shit I didn't really learn that was wrong until I became, until I opened my mouth about it and I became a comedian.
And I was like, people like, I didn't grow up like that.
And I was like, you didn't grow up like that?
Your mama didn't cook in the fireplace?
What the fuck are your mama doing cooking in the fireplace?
Cause we ain't had no gas, nigga.
So, so, you know, it was just poverty.
We were just poor as hell.
Yeah.
Being poor creates the most fun, though, because you got to be around each other more.
You don't have things that occupy your time.
I think you see more shit.
You do see more shit.
You learn something called survivor.
Yeah.
Less stuff is hidden from you.
So I think when you're wealthy, you get to hide more.
You hide from other people.
You can hide more from, you get hedges, you get a yard, you get distance between, you get separate bedrooms, you get all these things where like everything is kind of hidden.
We had hedges.
They were just walked on.
We had a yard.
It was just walked down.
Wait a minute, Theo.
I had everything rich people had.
It just didn't look as good as they shit did.
And we just cooked in a fireplace.
But yeah, I think when you're wealthy, you know, a lot more is given.
And when you're poor, you got to earn a lot more.
Yeah.
Even with my kids, I mean, I'm not rich or no shit like that, but you know.
But y'all getting fancier.
Is it harder to make your kids have the same struggle that you had?
Is that tough?
Well, they don't have the same struggle because their struggle ain't there no more.
So I have to learn to say no.
I was like, go get your own shit.
Don't tell me what you can't do when your mama's sitting here with an eighth-grade education and a GED and look what the fuck I did.
And then what the fuck you gonna do?
Yeah.
So, and I don't have a problem with telling them no.
Get the fuck on.
Give my money.
No, I'm not gonna do that for you.
I'm gonna show you how to do it for yourself.
Which one?
And how many children do you have of your own?
I have four.
35, 34, 22, and 23. And which one was probably the, was it giving birth?
Did you tell me about that?
Do you ever have any crazy giving birth days, like days where you had to go to the hospital and give birth?
Because I know you had a wild, you had like a wild, you've had a wild life, you know, very wild compared to a lot of folks.
Well, my first one I had at 14, that was real easy.
She popped out.
You can't even think about that.
It feels illegal for me to even think about that birthday.
Damn, bro.
I can't even look at pictures from that.
That's crazy.
I know, right?
But I gave birth at 14, and that was the easiest pregnancy ever.
I mean, she literally popped out, and I was riding my bicycles in three days.
Wow.
So, um, how big was she, you think?
She was nine pounds, and my last child was 10-2.
He really hurt.
And he always been like that, kind of a pain a little?
Well, you know, a lot of parents don't tell you this, but I always tell them, I say that I love all of my kids, but every parent got a favorite kid.
And that last one is my favorite.
Yeah?
And you tell it.
Oh, yeah, I tell him.
I said, I love all y'all, but this one ain't my favorite right here.
What makes him a favorite?
I think because he was the last one.
He was 10-2.
And my husband didn't have any kids when I met him.
So he took care of my two kids and my sister four kids.
And then I had a daughter by him.
And then when I had my last one, it was a boy.
And I wanted to name it after him.
And I kind of think that's why Junebug is my favorite because he's a junior.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we had a Junebug bus growing up.
We had a kid named Junebug.
Junebug was everywhere.
Everybody got a Junebug.
Oh, really?
I think so.
Yeah.
I'm trying to think.
I was always envious.
Black people had their cool, exciting names.
But I had Theo, and I got to meet Malcolm Jamal Warner one time, and I told him that my name was Theo.
He didn't really care, but that's all right.
That's all I do.
I told him my name was Theo.
He's like, he really care.
He's like, why should he care?
Okay.
What the fuck do you want me to do?
Hey, anybody can be named Theo.
I probably gave you that same reaction.
What the fuck do you want me to say?
Oh, we ain't got the same daddy.
Your daddy, 99. Wow, I'll say this.
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M-E slash Theo.
You got any kids?
No, I would like to get one.
I'm ready, I think, to get married.
I think.
I'm talking about getting a wife.
You talking about getting a wife?
Are you dating Theo?
I'm doing a little bit of light dating, but I'm ready to really, I think, step it up.
Really?
I think so.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to have a couple children, maybe.
You dating more than one woman?
Are you dating one woman?
I'm dating a little bit of more than one, you know.
You're just going to say that on your podcast.
Like, these hoes don't listen to your podcast.
I don't think.
I mean, I'm still looking, you know.
I'm still looking.
How'd you know when you met your husband that he was the one?
He had a good job, back teeth, and he didn't hit bitches in the eye on Friday.
Damn.
But I knew he was the one.
He was a nice guy.
Did you know him right from the beginning or it took a little few dates?
I liked him.
So, you know, he just came over and we went out a couple of times, but I liked him when I first saw him.
What can a man do, you think, if out of the gate, he's kind of like in that gray zone?
What can he do on that second, third date to maybe get himself into a better zone, you think?
What do you mean by gray zone?
Like if you're not liking him?
You're just not sure, maybe.
You're kind of like.
Well, you're never not sure when you meet somebody.
I think the more, it's the conversation.
A person can learn a lot about you through your conversation.
I mean, if you're listening good, some women get swindled through conversations because some men know how to say all the right shit.
Or when you hang up that phone, you got to take a step back, like, oh, what this motherfuck up to?
Yeah.
You know, and then times have changed so much now.
Motherfucker give you their name.
You can call a girlfriend like my friend, Quisha, bitch, put this motherfucking name and this thing and tell me more about this person.
It'll break up everything about them.
Yeah, it's hard to hide now.
It's hard to hide now.
So, I mean, you just can't, you can't be goo-goo guy guy over somebody the first, sometime the first fucking year.
You just gotta keep talking and see if it grows.
Yeah.
Do you think, sometimes I feel like black people don't get that nervous.
I always feel like black people don't get nervous.
Do you feel like black people get nervous or not?
We human.
What the fuck you think we are?
Animals?
No.
His family people.
Black people don't get damned.
What the fuck are you talking about?
A lot of my black friends, they never seem like they get nervous.
Nervous about what?
You don't get nervous?
I get nervous.
I get nervous a lot.
So I'm also a person that gets extra nervous.
So then I think I'm more prone to maybe thinking that some people don't get nervous.
You probably think, I think, it's not the word nervous.
You probably think we, is he thinking we badass?
Are we just like, we don't give a fuck?
I don't know what it is.
Maybe.
We don't get scared.
Maybe it's a mix of some of those things.
And so then it comes off to me like that, oh, my black friends don't get nervous.
We get nervous.
Let us get pulled over by the police.
Yeah, damn right, we get nervous.
Yeah, I guess that's a good.
I mean, that's a real game.
Yeah, once that shit happens, man, that shit is.
But you know, you.
No whammies.
No what?
No whammies, I was saying.
It's like a game show.
That shit is a dangerous game show if you get pulled over by the cops, man.
But not for all cops, because I'm not the one to say all cops are bad cops.
You know, I try to tell people all the time, you can't throw that one, let that one person throw that whole race of people off.
I know.
That's not fair.
Yeah, because there's a lot of good guys, and then people come at them with a bad energy.
It's like when the guy from, he might be your friend, but from who was on the XM Radio?
What's his name?
He was on XM Radio.
They was on for years, and Patrice was.
Opie and Anthony?
Yeah, wasn't it Opie or Anthony that cussed out the black woman?
I'm not sure.
She made the video.
One of them made the video.
It might be Anthony.
Anthony's more like volatile.
Yeah, so he made the video saying black women or something.
And all he had to say was that bitch he had that incident with was the problem.
But when you throw a whole, when you throw all black women in it, then it becomes a problem because I'm not that lady who cussed you out.
Right.
So why are you throwing my race because you dealt with somebody that we of the same race?
That's not fair.
If a white boy run up and rape me, I'm not going to say all white boys rape.
Yeah.
That's not fair.
I mean, because you wouldn't rape me, would you?
I wouldn't.
Why do you say um first?
That ain't how you answer a rape question.
I mean, I wanted to really, you know.
You had to think twice?
Damn, I would not be raping.
I ain't doing no raping.
Okay, so.
I'm not even that good at sex.
I'd be the worst rapist ever.
Well, most of them are worse at sex.
That's why they take it and they force this shit on you.
But so I just think you cannot throw stuff on people because one person, individuals, did it.
It doesn't make everybody that race the same way.
How long were you doing comedy before something started to turn and you're like, oh, wow, this is going to be good?
Because I've seen you go through the clubs for a long time.
Oh, yeah.
Probably 12, 13 years, maybe 15 at the most.
And what was the thing that started to kind of, when do you start to see, oh, something's changing here?
I moved to Indiana, which I thought my life was going to be fucking over.
And so I ended up getting on a tour with Cat Williams, the Cat Apocalypse tour.
Oh, wow.
Right after I moved there, and Cat paid me fucking like a shit ton of money to do 15 minutes a night.
And then I ended up going on the road with Arna S.J. and D-Ray Davis.
And I just kept grinding.
But I knew by me being on that Cat tour.
And, you know, I did festivals and shit like that.
And that had really helped me out.
Because Ray Grant, was he on there too or no?
Ray Grant was on the one I was on.
He's on all of them.
But he was on that one I was on.
But I just felt like that's when I thought, you know, a lot of shit started to kind of change for me.
Yeah.
And along with festivals, I stayed going to the festival even if I wasn't invited.
Like Montreal.
Because, you know, as a young comic, you automatically think, oh, if I go to Montreal, if I just get new faces, my whole life is going to change.
That is the bullshit.
I try to tell you, I said, hey, just go over there and do the fucking jokes.
It's a goddamn, it's a good time.
Yeah.
It's a good time.
I remember the year I went, and it was the year of the white boys.
So white boys was really hot.
But I didn't realize that until after I was there.
And it was after this connection.
Everybody was all up this Canadian comedian ass, which I didn't think was funny, but I didn't know.
I'm a young comic, so I don't know what the industry is looking for.
And I did my set, and nobody said anything to me.
But when they tell you, oh my God, the industry is going to be all over you.
You're going to do this.
You're going to do that.
Nobody talked to me.
And I remember going back to my hotel room and crying because everybody told me if I go over there, I was going to blow the fuck up.
Then I had to realize this shit is a process.
And it might take, it might not never happen.
Yeah.
So I just started to focus on my comedy.
And when I got invited to shit, I would show up and I just learned to take the feelings out of it.
Because when you got feelings out in it, you will fucking go crazy.
That's a really good point.
Yeah, I remember getting invited, not getting invited to those things and thinking, man, I'm never going to have a chance.
This industry doesn't like me.
This whole world doesn't, you know, that I'm not a part of it.
Was you a new face?
No.
Really?
I never was, yeah.
And then it started to get, you know, now it's really, it's about like diversity and a lot of like trans, comedian, gay, you know, it's a lot of that now.
And I don't need it.
Now I've, you know, I'm in my own kind of world now.
Once podcasting started, people could create their own worlds.
Yeah, they could.
They really could.
I just think it's more about diversity.
It's a lot about diversity.
I think the industry was forced to listen to what everybody had to say.
Yeah, well, you need more voices.
At a certain point, you kind of have heard a lot of the same voices.
Yeah, because, I mean, let's be honest, if it's a white girl, it's the same slutty white girl thing.
And then I've seen so many other white comedian, white female comedian that wasn't slutty, but wasn't getting pushed to the top.
Right.
And I'm like, well, this bitch is funny.
Right.
But they doesn't get, you know, when you slutty, it was like they'll push you to the top.
And everybody knows that, knew that at the time.
So I just think it's what the industry believed that divorce they're looking for that season.
Well, I've always thought Earthquake, I've always thought is one of the best comedians.
It's so fucking funny.
I mean, who kills a room, who kills a room.
I've always said Earthquake is probably one of the top three that I've seen, who kills a room.
And to finally see him getting, you know, getting a Netflix special and just.
You have one?
Things that make him feel deserved.
Because part of it is making him feel like you deserve, you know, not you deserve, but just like a thing where it's like, you've earned this.
Yes, yes, yes.
A piece of him can be like, okay, I have, you know.
I mean, because we as comics, let's be real.
We sat at the house and was like, how this motherfucker get this?
This motherfucker ain't even funny.
You said it behind the door.
Who the fuck pushing this person?
So that's what I mean when I say I learned to take the feelings out of it.
So now I say, oh, well, you know, maybe more black girls will get specials.
I was so happy when they gave Tiffany that special and Monique made all of that noise about, you know, the pay of women and stuff.
And, you know, I was happy because I'm going to be honest, I think Netflix started to give more black women stuff after that.
Right.
You know, where I didn't see a lot of black females getting special, especially ones that stepped outside of the box.
That's a good point, huh?
Yeah.
I never even thought about that.
Yeah.
And then, you know, I don't know what Tiffany got paid, but I heard she got paid really good.
I mean, they was really good to me, too.
So, you know, I just think it made them pay attention to, hey, it's not enough diversity on your platform, which they turn it around and they put a lot of diversity on it.
You know, I like when I see a gay or trans or black or white or Hispanic or any Asian comedian.
Yeah.
That means it's a little bit, it's something out there for everybody.
It's like a gumbo.
Yeah.
Instead of just one straight way.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I used to think about that when I was young.
It would be like, actually, a lot of my favorite shows, it was like, I mean, what did they have?
Like, I mean, I loved a lot of my favorite sitcoms and stuff were black shows, you know?
Good Times, The Jeffersons.
What was Family Matters?
People love that show.
Yeah, people love that show.
My show is, the show that I do, The Miss Pat show, it's kind of like, they want to say a Roseanne because I'm a plus-size woman like Roseanne.
But I think it's more like Archie Bonker.
Like, that type of honesty.
All in the family, that one?
Yeah, all in the family.
I have a lot of learning moments like him.
Yeah.
So, but sometimes, sometimes I'm shooting.
I tell my co-creator Jordan Cooper, I said, sometimes it feels like Martin's.
Then it feels like a Bernie Mac.
So it's a little bit of a mix of everything.
Well, you look like Gina from Martin a little bit, the lady that played in that show.
Really?
I've never heard that one.
Really?
Mike, the father on the show, wife, looks a lot like her to me.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We have a couple questions that came in.
Do you want to pull something up, Colin?
Okay.
Hey, what's up, Miss Pat?
What's up, Theo?
My question is for Miss Pat.
I was a photographer at Skankfest last November, and Miss Pat was there, and so was the great Bob Sagitt.
And, you know, Miss Pat and Bob talk a lot about their friendship and their relationship, you know, on podcasts during the week and stuff.
But I was just wondering, is there a favorite moment you have, Miss Pat, you know, or a favorite story about Bob that you have?
We'd love to hear it.
Thanks, guys.
Gang, gang.
Gang, baby.
Thanks for the question, man.
Yeah.
Bob Sagitt came to my house for dinner.
Did he really?
I did Bob Saget podcast.
And when we logged off and, you know, I found out, I said, you playing in India.
I live here.
He's like, why don't I come to your house for dinner?
And I'm like, what the fuck?
You know, I'm like, you want to come to my motherfucking house for dinner?
And so he really threw me off.
And I'm like, okay.
And so I didn't really know if he was going to come.
Wow.
So, and at the time I'm in Atlanta trying to buy a house and get our stuff together.
I had a gig and I had to get rid of that date, that Bob Sagan, that Thursday, because I was not going to take a Bob Sager.
He could not come to my fucking house.
So I just, I went home and I cleaned up.
I called the housekeeper.
And my husband was like, what the fuck is going on?
I said, I have a really famous person coming to the house, but I can't tell y'all who it is because I didn't know if Bob Sagan was going to show the fuck up like he did.
You know how famous people stand you up.
Oh, yeah.
And then they was like, well, who's coming?
And I would never tell them who came.
And I just say, wait till they ring the doorbell.
And everybody trying to figure out, fucking, who coming?
He rings the doorbell.
He got flowers in his hand and whine.
They was like, Bob Sagitt?
Oh, my God.
And we sat there, and I wish I'd have videoed the whole thing.
When I tell you, he was so fucking funny.
And, you know, you thinking Bob Sagitt, you know, the clean Bob Sagitt from the stick, corny as fuck.
You know, you know, I've seen his stand-up.
I knew his stand-up was funny.
I just didn't, he was so fucking quick with it.
He was like just cracking the fuck up.
He had us cracking up like seriously.
And then my son barbecued because my son Junebug can barbecue really well.
So I'm like, Junba, you're going to barbecue and Gary Ellen's going to make.
They're like, who the fuck?
Shut the fuck up.
I said, just cook the food.
And I can't cook.
So we made this barbecue and I bought steaks.
And, you know, I'm like, I don't know what the fuck, you know, rich people eat or how they eat.
So I just went out and bought the best of everything.
And Bob Seggen ate a plate.
He's like, oh my God, this shit is so fucking good.
He got up and went and fixed himself another plate.
Damn.
Sat out.
And then he did.
I was like, hold on, Bob.
You want to buy a grocery motherfucker.
He's like, it's been a long time since I had food.
This good, Miss Pell.
Like, where the fuck have you been?
And he was there for about four or five hours.
And we laughed at that table and we talked.
And that's my most memorable moment with him.
Wow, that's wild.
That's amazing, huh?
Yeah.
And your kids were there too?
My whole family was there.
It sure was.
I flew the girl who do my hair in, and I was like, he might not come.
Because I told her who he was, but I didn't tell my family.
And we just waited.
And he rung that door, but he got in an Uber.
Dang.
He got out the fucking Uber.
Like a nice Uber or regular one?
It was a regular little Uber.
I don't even think the person who picked Bob Sagitt up knew they was Bob Sagittar.
He had a mask on.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Damn.
And so we takes the pictures and I post them and everybody's like, Bob Sagan was in our neighborhood.
Oh, that's my most memorable moment.
I tell you, when I found out he passed, I couldn't stop crying.
Yeah.
Because it was such a building relationship.
Like, Bob Sager would literally text me in the middle of the how you doing, Paddy.
And I had just talked to him because, you know, I had asked Bob to be on my show.
And my show was on BET Plus and Paramount Plus.
And, you know, I know Bob ain't never been on BET.
So I said, I'm going to ask him in.
I said, would you come and play, you know, a role on the show?
He's like, fuck yeah, I'm there.
So we were literally talking about him, you know, doing a role on the show.
And the week he died, I had just texted him and said, send it up.
He's telling me who to reach out to.
And I got you, Pat, I'm going to do it.
And I was leaving a Falcon game and my son called and said, they said Bob Sager died.
And I called and was no answer.
And I was like, this can't be real.
And I literally fucking cried.
I was like, because I really liked it.
He was so fucking genuine.
He was just a genuine guy.
And I'm the type of person, like, I don't give a fuck who you are or what you've done.
If you're a good person, then I fuck with you.
and he was a good person.
Wow, man, that's what kind of makes me sad.
Yeah, he was a good person, damn.
And sometimes I go back and I look at and you know, I started seeing people posting their text messages between uh them and Bob Sagan.
I was like, I would never do that.
Some of that's a little weird, you know.
I think showing some support is one thing, trying to relate too much.
I don't, when people do that shit, they over relate.
That shit to me is so.
Well, that's you want clout on it online, too.
I would never show something that private because you died to go and show people my text message between me and Bob Say.
I just, I wouldn't do that.
You know, and then like I had an actress on the show that committed suicide who played the secretary.
And I had just talked to her a week before, and she was about to return to the show.
And that shit just hit me like a brick because she was like my baby.
You know, I don't know.
When I meet people, it's because I grew up like not a close-knit family.
And I just started to collect people as family members.
And she was like a family member to me.
And, you know, about three weeks ago, she was here.
She was missing.
And then they found her.
They said she committed suicide.
Did you have any inkling when you saw her?
Did she seem down?
Because you'd have no idea.
I don't, you know, you don't really.
She was, I had a nervous energy to me.
Like, like, always something wrong.
She didn't want to disappoint people.
And I was talking to her about a role.
And I was like, that role is too small.
You're too fucking good.
So look, I'm going to bring you in for this role.
And we back and forth.
And I come off stage.
And I got this long ass text.
I said, I called her.
I said, you okay?
He's like, I just don't want to disappoint you.
And I was like, Lindsay, I fucking love you.
And, you know, no, no, you know.
And I was like, just wait.
And the week she killed herself is the week she's supposed to be on my fucking show.
Well, she was, that was the episode she was going to come in for, but I told her it was too small.
I was going to bring her in for the next one.
So we literally writing her in the next one.
And as I come off stage, they said she was missing.
And I talked to another one of the actors from LA on my show.
And then they, well, two days later, they said she was dead.
And I was like, I can't believe she did this.
Damn.
That's scary.
Yeah, it's very scary.
You know, because I mean, because sometimes I beat myself.
I was like, fuck, if I had just given her that small role, she could have been there with me and she wouldn't have killed herself.
Yeah, I have a guy.
There's a guy who used to hit me up.
I met him through skydiving, right?
I met him at a comedy show one time.
And he said, hey, man, I'm such a big fan.
I can relate to you on certain levels, like how you feel about a lot of things.
And we swapped numbers.
He invited me to go skydiving.
So I went down there one time, took my little, I had a girlfriend at the time, and she was a good girl.
And we went skydiving.
And then a couple, like, months after that, he'd been messaging me, but I just hadn't noticed.
I'd just been busy and I just hadn't noticed.
And he'd sent like three texts over a couple months and then he killed himself.
And sometimes I think, damn, man, if I just had my life had been a little slower or something, you know, if I hadn't been thinking about myself, then I'm not saying I could have saved him, but maybe I could have just, you just don't know sometimes how, what people are needing, you know?
I mean, some people, some people just need somebody to listen sometime.
And so I have a, and I don't have a lot, a lot of time like I used to because I'm so busy with TV show, radio, and just trying to create other shit where I try to take out the time.
Like if I'm waking up at four o'clock in the morning, I don't really have to be up because my mind wakes me up at that time.
I stroll through my messages and I see a lot of people that need talking.
And if I can't say a lot, I was like, love you.
Take care.
How you doing?
And I answer back.
I try to as much as I can.
But with a growing career, I mean, I hope I get as big as Dave Chappelle and Kevin Hart one day.
But I do take time to, when they message me when I can, to say something back.
Because sometimes people just need an ear.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's crazy how we have so much communication now, but nobody really taking time really to listen.
Nobody's really available in a lot of ways.
Or we all feel like we also need to tell somebody instead of hear them.
You know, I noticed that a lot.
We feel this compulsion, I think, since we have so many ways to put things out there that we have to put things out.
I have to tell them, you know, I have to instead of like listen.
I don't know.
I don't know that much.
Yeah.
Did you have another question?
Yeah, we got one more question that came in.
Oh.
I'm going to start this question shit.
I did somebody else's podcast.
It was kind of cute.
Yeah, it's nice, and people can, you know, if they get specific, they can really have something for you.
What is up, Theo, Miss Pat?
I got a question here for Miss Pat.
If you had three options to marry one of these comedians and live with for the rest of your entire life, between your boy, Theo Vaughn, everyone's favorite fat alcoholic comedian, Burt Kreiser, or the slept king himself, Bobby Lee.
Who are you taking these, Pat?
Yeah, probably could you handle that little Vietnamese treatment roll?
Could you handle that little shrimp salad, baby?
Oh my God.
Oh, my God.
Could you handle that, huh?
I'm about to choose.
You look good in that picture, man.
You don't look good in that.
Something you done choose with you, nigga.
I'm about to go with Burke Crushing.
Burke got that long paper.
Burke look like he can buy more wigs in y'all.
We look like we're wearing wigs, but that's the crazy part.
But what about Bobby?
You ever did a little Asian man?
No data beside my damn razor.
That's definitely not no fucking Asian.
I've seen Bobby Lee Dick too.
That nobody want that shit.
That shit's so small like a two-pig.
Yeah, that thing really don't even look like it.
He got baby nuts.
He ain't busting no nuts.
He peeing inside of you.
He looked like his dick crying a little.
No, you know the Asian people, he said one of those little wooden shoes to keep their feet from growing.
Lucky he stuck his dick in one.
It would have to be Burg crushing for me, baby.
Damn.
I seen Burke House too.
And Burke liked them southern girl because his wife from the same place I'm from, Atlanta.
Is she really?
Yes.
Yeah, she's beautiful.
She's a sweetheart.
But you do look like an actress, an actor in that picture, Theo.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think about sometimes doing some acting, but I don't know.
Podcasting and touring kind of keeps me so busy, you know?
Did you always want to be an actress?
No.
I love comedy.
Because acting's a different thing.
It's a different beast.
You know, my show was created through Fox and Lee Daniel and Ron Howell and Brian Grazer.
So they immediately got me an acting coach.
And it took five years to get that show up and on TV because Hulu shot the pilot, dropped it, and then B.E.T.
Plus picked it up.
And then Paramount, it just went over to Paramount Plus.
So they put a lot of money into me learning how to act.
But no, I prefer comedy first.
But I do like creating.
I have some other things that I'm working on.
I like behind the camera.
It's a lot of fucking work in front of that camera.
Especially when it's your show because you got to memorize lines.
You got to write jokes.
You got to help write it.
Then, you know, when all the other actors go home, your ass still up.
Yeah.
And this is your show, so you got to still make it great.
Like, I literally got to leave here, and I'm running to do another show, and then on the plane, I'm reading all night.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a lot of work.
It's more work than people think.
Oh, it's a lot of fucking work.
You're going to earn them pennies.
Yeah, I agree.
Let's get a different one.
Do we have one more that came in?
And then we'll get you.
Yo, this past weekend, what's up?
You know, I'm sitting here all horned up.
Anyways, Miss Pat, I got a question for you.
So, you talk about how you used to sell crack cocaine and stuff.
Everybody knows every neighborhood has that one funny crackhead.
Who is the funniest person that you used to sell crack to?
Gang.
You guys have a good one.
Gang, baby.
I always wanted to smoke crack, man.
No, you don't.
I think it was, I must say two.
If I can remember, one of them named was rehab.
It was this dude.
He said, my street name was Rabbit.
Rabbit.
Give me one more rock.
I'm going to the rehab.
So I named him Rehab because he never made it.
He ended up fucking shooting some dope and falling out in the street and die.
He was so fucking funny.
And Squirrel was the other one.
He the only motherfucker that bought dope from you, but will rap.
Give me that sack, Pat.
Give me that sack, rap.
He would have a whole rap.
Every time he came and bought dope, he would sing you a whole song that was fucking hilarious.
Yeah.
It was some funny ass crack.
It's some talented ass crackheads out there, too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Crack will bring your talent right out of it.
It brings it right to the surface because you need it.
So you'll give whatever you got.
Whatever your talent is, I feel like you'll display it.
No, I think talent bring the best talent.
I mean, the best talent crack bring out of you is dick sucking.
Oh, damn.
Because when you run out of money, you got to do something.
Well, I guess you're right then, Theo.
Damn.
Yeah, I guess that's true, huh?
I would never.
How far down a crack do you have to beat it where you get to that?
Were you doing oral sex out there for another $2.
Probably at the bottom?
But how many times do you have to use crack before you start getting to that?
Like, is there a couple of times?
I don't know.
I never used.
They say crack is very addictive the very first time.
They say it give you a feeling that you'll never get again.
Wow.
And you're forever searching for that feeling.
Damn.
That's crazy that they can make that, huh?
Yeah.
That's crazy.
It's like they're playing God or something.
Yeah, this shit is wild out there.
Yeah, I always wanted to smoke it, but I've always been afraid, I guess.
Well, I'm glad you didn't because I would hate to see you sell your mullet.
Yeah.
Miss Pat, thank you for coming in.
Thank you for finally fucking having me.
I know we've been back and forth, back and forth, and I've been ripping and running, but I appreciate you taking out the time and doing it today.
Well, I feel honored, and I'm so excited for your success.
I'm just really, you know, I'm just happy for you.
You sound like you have a beautiful voice, and I think we just need it in the world.
So thank you for coming and spending some time with me.
And if it don't work out on the white side, Theo, come on over here with these beautiful Cocoa Butter Rub damn sisters.
They'll take you.
Would they give me a chance, you think?
They're going to change that haircut, but they're going to put some cornrows in this shit.
You grow it up.
I'll put a jingle bell in that shit during the holidays, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm just saying that.
You are the smoothest talking white boy I ever seen in my life, but dressed like a white boy.
Put me in, coach.
I'm ready.
I'm going to hook you.
I got to.
Quisho, we got to find Theo Vaughn, a black sister.
Uh oh, she's got it.
Oh, she's like she's got it.
Huh?
I could do, I think, maybe one kid.
Two kids seem like a lot.
Two kids.
What'd you say?
What about six?
No.
She got six.
Does she really?
The lesbian have six?
How?
No, the lesbian don't have any five.
Oh, your other kids.
She eat her babies.
No.
The other girl got six kids.
Oh, damn.
You have six children?
God damn, baby.
Wow.
That thing hit like popcorn.
That thing was.
You got to put the off switch on that bitch.
That thing must be stuck on.
That's crazy, man.
Wow.
We bringing Theo Vaughn to the black side.
I am looking for him a good black woman out there.
And I'm going to say it on my podcast that we're going to hook you up.
We're going to take you on.
Send you on a black date.
I'm ready.
And I'll even take a real thug-ass woman, too.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm ready.
I think you can have a thug, bitch.
Yeah, you know what I'm saying?
I want a bitch that'll fucking, she's driving.
She's driving.
She picks me up.
You know what I'm saying, bro?
So we're going to end this podcast right here.
And in the black community, they called a low down nigga.
So we ain't even going to do that to you, Devil.
Look, I don't know what.
I'm ready for something.
Thank you, Miss Pat.
I got you.
I got you.
I'm just floating on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time For me to step that park I've
been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my past And these wheels that I've been riding on their walls so thin that they're damn near gone I guess now they just weren't built Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your partner The answer may shock you Sometimes I'll interview my friends Sometimes I won't and as always I'll be joined by the voices in my head You have three new voice messages A lot of people are talking about kite club I've been talking about kite club for so long longer than anybody else so
great I sweetheart is it to you anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker jar mine I'll take a quarter pot of cheese out of the glory I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me anyway first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about kite club second rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club third rule like and
