Theo talks about spending the week at Jimmy John's "Summer Camp" with Travis Tritt, Kid Rock and The Zac Brown Band, breaks down controversies surrounding Covid and the Tokyo Olympics and tries to help young Riley Mau get into the dating scene.
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Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach.
Gray Block.
Get that hitter, baby.
You know, I really, I live between them.
I live kind of between a...
I kind of go with a large shirt.
And sometimes I want to be in an XL.
You know, I want to just be in an XL.
I want people to see me and be like, oh, yeah, he wears an XL.
You know, I want the ladies to see me and say, oh, yeah, that's an XL fella.
That's a real, you know, that's a stallion or something.
Because I feel sometimes like a little, you know.
I mean, I was so excited.
When I got from a medium to an L, I was...
You know, when I got from that medium to that L, I remember getting myself a damn cold can of beer.
And, God, I just felt like I had made it.
You know, and some people, you know, you run out of size.
You know, God only gives you so much size and you run out of, you know, he doesn't give you enough yarn to keep sewing yourself bigger and bigger.
And so you run out and you kind of, you know, you're stuck with the quilt that you are.
And you're always, I feel like as a man, you're always kind of hoping to get to those other levels, you know, to the S, to the M, to the L, to that XL.
And the double XL, that's really, that feels like tricky territory.
To me, Riley, what do you think about that?
Yeah, I think you're totally right.
And did you ever go from an XS to an S?
I have.
And what was that like for you?
It was a change.
Yeah, did you feel you remember when it was?
I think it was around sixth grade.
Sixth, seventh.
God, that's beautiful, man.
And what happened?
Your bones grew out or something?
They did.
And did you remember people noticing?
Did you notice?
Did you feel any different?
Yeah, I felt a lot different.
I felt a lot better.
And do you think, will you ever get to an M?
Do you think you're headed there?
Or you feel it coming on?
So sometimes I wear M's.
Oh, really?
I do.
Depends what type of shirt.
Okay.
So big dog.
Getting out and about, huh?
Yeah, seems so.
Things are changing for you, Bucko.
I love that.
I love hearing that.
I love hearing people get to new levels.
All right, let's see what we can do here.
Welcome to this past weekend.
Welcome to this past weekend.
A long time ago, I was in love with a girl.
And I think I took that love a little too far.
Woo!
You can see the cigarette burns on the wall.
Come on.
And all the empty bottles in the hall.
If the water gets too rough, you know who to call.
Don't you, babe?
And I can see the way he looks in your eyes.
I can see it, baby.
A so-so lost with his foolish lies.
If you even have to ask, baby, I'm surprised.
I'm so surprised.
So surprised.
Sometimes you gotta leave your lover.
Sometimes.
If you wanna learn to love again.
Love again.
Yeah.
Little black guys.
Shine all around the kitchen.
Little black guys.
On the way in the band and shit.
Well, here I am and it's another night.
Little black flies.
And that is Eddie 9 Volt.
And that's a new hit they got there.
That new soul ringer right there.
Eddie 9 Volt coming in hard.
Coming in hard like an erect garbage man, baby.
And doing what he do.
Collecting things, baby.
That's it right there.
Man.
Little black, little black flies.
That'll get it for you right there.
And that's off that album.
I think Little Black Flies, I believe, is the name of their album.
That's 89 volt.
Good to be here with you today.
You know, I've been watching the Olympics.
I just went out of town.
You know, I tend to travel.
And I remember when I was young, the first place I ever went, a friend of mine, a neighbor.
And this fellow was haunted, man.
This fellow was haunted, brother.
And his little Gerald was this boy.
And he had a deficiency or something.
When he would say something, he would say it again under his breath real quick, you know.
He would be like, yeah, I'm going to get me a lime soda.
I'm going to get me a lime soda.
He would say things twice, and people thought that he was twins that had never separated.
You know, people said, oh, he got another one in there, and God never divvied him up at birth.
And so he's doubled up in there.
And other people said it's just an echo.
You know, he gots a big, he gots a wide throat.
So When he says something one time, then you just hear it another time, hear it another time.
So there's all these different rumors and speculations, you know.
But when I'd see Gerald, he would just say, you know, he would say something to you, and then he would say something to you.
He'd be like, man, I got to go home.
It's lunchtime.
I got to go home.
It's lunchtime.
You know, he just had that double up on him.
He had that reverb, that heavy, he had that heavy verb, that audio bounce inside of him.
You know, just double dribbling all of his syllables and consonants and every word.
You know, God was just double dribbling on him.
And the first time I ever went anywhere, I remember his mama was fat.
And I hate to say it like that.
And she was, she wasn't like, she didn't have like a beer belly.
And look, we all come in different sizes.
And I think there's advantages and disadvantages to all of them.
And his mama was just warm like a damn, I mean, she just, I think she worked at a hospital or at a either that or she just wore, she might have just worn men's clothing.
And I don't know what she did.
She just, she always had matching pants suit, top and bottom.
So she could have been a nurse or she could have been a damn, you know, she kind of dressed like a black guy, you know, matching pants and shirt.
You know what I'm talking about, Riley?
I do.
And anyway, she was so warm.
She's a big lady.
She kind of, you know, and I shouldn't have said she's fat.
I mean, and I don't mean it like that, like degrading or I just mean she's a, you know, she was just, she had extra.
And that's the kind of woman she was.
She had a little extra hug for you.
She had a little extra love.
She had an extra, you know, whisper in your ear if you need it.
She had a little extra sandwich.
If you needed a meat on a bread, she had it for you.
I don't remember her name.
I don't remember her name.
And she died.
She did die eventually.
I'm not sure what happened.
But she really, she wore like a gold chain as well.
She dressed honestly like a brother.
She dressed like, you know, kind of like a Crayola crayon with a gold chain on.
You know, a lot of time you'll see a black gentleman have orange pant, orange leggings, orange shirt, orange sunglass.
He'll have a full dichotomy of one color.
You know.
Anyway, they took me one time to, I guess it was a campground.
I thought it was in Mississippi, Mississippi, America.
And if you haven't been there, it's very much like reading Tom Sawyer, but with your time, with your body and your time.
It's like basically wandering around inside of Tom Sawyer.
You know, you see people that don't even know about certain things.
You tell people about the 21st century, they don't even believe you.
You know, people too busy, you know, drinking sweet tea and just kind of, you know, putting teeth under their pillow, hoping for the best kind of vibe.
But anyway, so we went there and that was the first place I'd ever traveled to.
My first experience getting out.
And they took me over there to Mississippi and we went swimming in some type of, hell, I don't know what it was.
It could have been, I think it was some type of a river or something.
And they had a snake in there and I was so scared.
And we stayed in these trailer homes and we ate bologna sandwiches.
And if you haven't had bologna, I mean, it's like it's like a damn.
Have you had it, Riley Mao?
Bologna meat?
I have.
And what was your experience with it?
Like, how would you describe it?
It's more like a type of ham, I would say.
Okay.
Can you look that up for us?
Tell us a little bit more about it if you can.
Man, I remember we had it and we had just American cheese on these buns and some type of condiment on there.
It could have been mayonnaise, could have been white mustard.
I think they came out briefly with a white mustard that never took off.
Because I think people were squirting it on each other and saying it was, you know, E-Jack or semen or whatever.
You know how kids will be.
But anyway, what do you got, Riley?
Any intel on it?
Yeah, it's a meat batter.
So beef, pork, turkey, chicken, or all of the above.
Damn.
So that's a damn Charlotte's Web gangbang right there.
You know what I'm saying, baby?
That's everything.
I mean, if you, I mean, that's really just like taking a damn farm and putting it in a blender and then pouring it right into your body or into your buddy's body.
But anyway, that was the first time that ever traveled.
And that's where I went.
And since then, I've continued to travel.
I've been a traveling man.
And, you know, this past weekend I went up to Minog?
Minonk?
Minnesota.
Can you look at it for me?
Minonk?
Mingnan?
I think Mingnan, like filet Mingnan.
Mingnan, Minnesota.
What does it say?
There's a top 10 best filet mignon in Minnesota.
Alrighty, man.
But this place was called, I think Mignon, Minnesota.
I'm not sure.
It could have been called Mignon, but I went up there and, man, I went up there.
Jimmy John invited me.
And you guys know Jimmy John, the sandwich monarch.
He's that Turkey Tom Kingpin, you know.
That's who he is.
And he invited me up there and he does a summer camp with all of his friends.
He invites all type of friends and humans.
And I got to go.
And man, flew up there on a private plane, fancy plane, beautiful.
I mean, God, even the air smelled like you'd inhale and just, you knew a couple stock tips.
You know, you just, I mean, damn, you'd Clear your throat and find some cryptocurrency in it.
You know, just living high on the hog, baby.
Like somebody put a ladder on a damn pig's back, and I went up that, man.
I was living high on the hog.
So we took that Jimmy John Jet up there.
Oh, sorry, man.
I got a little bit of Bitcoin, I think, there, still stuck in my throat from the experience.
But we went up there, and it was awesome.
He literally treats his friends to a summer camp in the summer.
And it's adults and children and childish adults and adultish kids, you know, autism.
And everything, man.
There's people up there.
You know, Travis Tritt came and played the American country music icon who really has a voice like somebody stuffed three black dudes right into his esophagus.
You know, and one black woman.
I mean, he got all the, you know, he hits the notes, baby.
A band called J.J. Gray, who else?
Zach Brown band came up and played.
And man, they got so many hits.
Dude, you could have a concussion just from listening to them.
But it was awesome.
They had seedwas and jet skis.
I went fishing, caught a sturgeon or a little baby sturgeon or something.
Caught me a little carp, a little bit of lake carp, or sunfish or brim or soccole, speckle trout.
There's so many names for this one fish that comes out of a lake.
It's just, you know, it's one little fish and there's so many names for it.
You know, whitefish, soccole, perch, brim, sunfish, you know, white koi.
And white koi was also also the name of every wigger dude in any community.
Any kind of white dude that wanted to be black, wigger, his name was Koi usually.
And he wore a North Carolina jersey, baby.
Praise God.
But what are we talking about, man?
I went fishing.
We went sea-dooing, jet skiing.
Watched fireworks.
Had a nice little cabin.
They had some brand new cabins.
They had a gym, man.
It just made me...
Instead of saving that money.
Just saving it all for what?
You know?
So anyway, it was...
You know who that is, Riley Mao?
I don't.
You watch a lot of NASCAR or not?
They allow that in you guys' deal?
A little bit.
Yeah.
I guess it's all bumper to bumper in y'all's culture, huh?
It is.
Have you, what was your first car, Riley?
It was a Honda Accord.
Oh, yeah.
I had one.
They're good, huh?
Yeah, they're reliable.
They are reliable.
God.
My first car was a Ford Escort.
I don't know if they still have them.
They might have discontinued them because of fire hazards and a couple other small issues they had.
But they one of them, you could put a motorcycle tire on it if you ran out of regular tires or the ability to get to a tire to tire up.
So you could do that, baby.
And then I remember we could, you know, sometimes we wouldn't be able to sleep anymore.
So we popped a couple of, we chiseled a couple holes into the back of the hatch back and put some plastic tubing out of them.
You could just, you know, you have to kind of keep your mouth on the tube, but you could sleep in the back then and just breathe out through it in and out of the outside.
Interesting.
So pretty cool stuff.
But anyway, had a great time, went up there, caught some fish, caught some, just caught some joy.
I mean, just staying up laughing.
I mean, they had some rednecks up there and white necks and black necks.
And they had one dude that had no neck on him.
You know, a necklace dude, just straight up shoulders to brain, you know.
Just dude.
I mean, just wore his thoughts on his sleeve, you know, that kind of felling.
And if you're watching on YouTube, we got a lot of, I'll put a lot of, you know, edits in of, we'll put some photos in different times from the weekend.
But I got to go on this little Can-Am car.
It's like this.
Can you pull up a picture of that?
Do you mind, Relief?
Can-Am.
C-A-N-A-M.
It's like a four-wheeler.
Looks like a big cricket, kind of, but with wheels instead of legs.
And it's a fierce deal.
And I got to go racing on that with Clint Boyers.
And if you're not familiar with Clint Boyers, he's a, and I wasn't either.
I never met the man or knew about him.
I believed he could exist, but I'd never knew about him.
Actually, I'd heard his name, but I'd never met him.
So I didn't know he existed.
I just heard his name.
And he took me out on that.
You see it?
I do.
Interesting.
How would you describe it?
I think it's an ATV.
ATV.
There you go.
Or it used to be ATV.
I don't know what it is now.
I mean, they remodeled it.
I mean, it's a vehicle now.
Right.
But at one time, yeah, I guess it could have been a damn TV.
But, I mean, this shit had all the bells and whistles, you know.
And we got out there and we went on these off-road trails.
And when you're riding with a real man who is a NASCAR man, you know, a guy who, I mean, this dude probably, he'll drink gas and then just regurgitate it into his tank if he needs to get that extra lap.
You know what I'm saying?
He will siphon out of his own body for that extra, you know, that last liter.
Yeah, it was just a whirlwind.
But it's just, it was cool, man.
It was cool.
And Kid Rock was up there, the freaking, the methadone mascot of America, basically.
And he's up there, and he got a beautiful brother that only gots one leg.
Beautiful fella named Billy, one-legged guy.
And beautiful.
And I swear to God, if I had a brother, if I had as much money as Kid Rock does, and I had a brother with one leg, I'll tell you this, I'd get him another leg.
But that ain't how K-Rock spends his cash, I guess.
He does things different, so praise God, baby.
What else is going on?
But yeah, I was just thankful, man.
You know, it's just interesting you meet a guy, Jimmy John, through the podcast, and then he invites you on a fun weekend and just reminds you.
It was just nice to be around people.
You know, I'm not around people very much.
You know, my job is very solitude, very solitude-ish.
You know, it's solamente.
That's Spanish for just me.
And so to get to be around people and laugh and, you know, some kid try to buy drugs off me.
And, you know, just that's, you know, that's America, baby.
You know, that's America, man.
And the best part was I said to the kid, I said, look, man, I can't sell drugs to you.
You know, if you're not, you know, if you're in my family and you're a child, I'll consider it more.
But, you know, this is a child that's not in my family.
And he said, well, look, man, they're not for me.
I'm going to resell them.
And that's America, man.
That's America, baby.
You got to respect that.
But that was a beautiful time.
Made me a little bit of prime rib, a couple hot cake in the morning.
And it was good, man.
Even smoothing got me a little smooching on.
You know?
Touching face with some other, with some feminine deal, you know, a little baby out there, a little baby dragon.
Sucking face with a little baby dragon out there.
Riley Mao, how's the update with you with the ladies?
Not going that well.
Dang.
Yeah.
Well, we got a lot of calls that have come in today about, you know, last episode you weren't here, we talked about the first time that I'd ever ejaculated out of my body, you know, and just lost that tug of war with the devil, you know.
And so we got a lot of beautiful young men, or I don't know if they're beautiful, but I assume that they are on the inside, who have called in, who will be sharing some of their stories.
And so we'll get into that.
You remember your first time, Bucko?
No.
No, I've never happened.
Really?
You've never masturbated?
No.
Oh my gosh, brother.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Wow, man.
What is that called?
What do you guys call that?
Nothing, really.
There's got to be a special nickname.
I think in gay culture, if it's a man, in gay culture, a guy that's never kissed a woman is called a golden Oreo.
So I wonder what that is.
My God, brother.
Damn.
You must have just baby's breath inside of your nuts right now.
That is damn beautiful, brother.
Congratulations, man.
Thank you.
You think you'd be able to hold the line?
Are you trying to hold the line until marriage, you think, or just until a relationship?
Yeah, until marriage.
Wow.
Good for you, brother.
And do you feel like you have more of an inner strength going on?
I do.
Yeah.
You know, I had breakfast with a guy a couple weeks ago, and he'd never masturbated, and I was just so jealous.
Because the rest of it, because I masturbated honestly less than probably 11 hours ago or 12 hours ago.
I couldn't get to sleep and I just felt the devil just climbing up and down my penis and I just had to do something.
When you get that feeling, what do you do?
Just chill out, put your hands on ice or what?
I don't really get the feeling.
Damn!
Now, what if you get erection in your body?
What do you do?
I can't say I get that either.
What, really?
Oh, my God.
Huh.
And do you think you might have an iron deficiency or something?
Or do you think it's just...
Damn.
You're like damn Chun Lee, bro.
Mm-hmm.
God.
God.
Dude, how far could you jump?
I bet you could jump damn 11 feet, huh?
I wish.
I bet if you tried hard, you could, man.
Unbelievable.
The unjacable Riley Mao, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for being here today, brother.
Thanks, Riley.
I didn't know that, man.
I did not know I was sitting here with just a man that was riding that paced, baby, all the way to the finish line.
Because, yeah, I struggle with it, man.
I just, I do good and then I just struggle, you know?
But I hate just jerking out.
I hate it.
But what do you say to people out there who are considering it or who are on the fence about masturbation?
I mean, I would say do as you please, but I wouldn't recommend it.
I'm one of those few guys that wouldn't recommend it.
Wow.
And do you know other people who are like you?
Just like a damn human Christmas carol.
I do.
You do?
Wow.
And do y'all meet up somewhere or something?
Are you guys in a group chat?
Not really a group chat.
But you guys know who each other are?
Right.
Damn.
You know, I've always, it's like a superpower.
It is a super, everybody wants to be Iron Man.
You know?
But Iron Man, you know, he ain't nutting out at night.
He ain't in there making macadamians in his bedroom, you know?
So there is a lot of power in cheeing up, cheese up, hose down, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
I do.
You do.
Dang.
So do you ever think about the long road you have to hoe before you're going to get to some, you know, some, you know, skeet?
That's what they call it in the urban community.
Yeah, it comes across my mind a few times.
Damn.
I almost want to be there when it happens, brother Nahomo, you know?
I'll invite you.
Well, come on now.
That might be a bit, you know, but maybe I'll be outside if there's a window or something.
I don't want to be right up front.
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Yeah, you've been watching the Olympics rally?
Just a little bit.
Okay.
And do you have a favorite sport?
What do you guys, in your culture, is there a favorite sport over there?
I like hockey.
Oh, really?
What is it about it?
I don't know.
It's just more engaging and fun, in my opinion.
Yeah.
So, and this is Summer Olympics, though, so they don't have it.
Right, right.
So you're just watching and looking for it, but they don't have it.
I've done that.
Yeah, I've done that before.
Some of them will watch basketball and just wish it was football the whole time, but I'll keep watching.
A couple of news stories out of the Olympics.
A Belarusian sprinter, Christina Simanuskaya, was granted a Polish humanitarian visa while seeking political asylum after she refused to board a flight back to her home country from the Tokyo Games.
This is pretty wild, man.
Her home country wanted to pull her out of the Olympic Games, and so she asked for help on Instagram.
And here she is right here.
Here's her statement.
I'm from the International Olympic Committee on the help.
I was given pressure on me and they try to get me out of my country without my agreement.
So I'm from the International Olympic Committee to get into this.
And she asked the Olympic International, the International Olympic Committee to get involved and help her out.
You know, her own country didn't like some of the ways she was representing them, and they said, this is a no-go.
We're going to pull you out of here.
And she didn't want that, so she asked for help.
While she was away from Belarus, she asked for help.
And so now Poland came along, Polish power, and they're letting her drop over there into Warsaw.
And, you know, this is the type of thing, this to me is an act of like speaking out against types of oppression.
You know, this to me is, you know, you have a, we've had different American Olympians.
You know, they have some new lady the other day.
She got it, it looks like a piece of king cake.
Her hair is kind of dyed up.
And, you know, just talking about oppression from the medal stand.
I don't even think she won first place either.
I think she was silver.
First of all, I think you should have to get first place to talk about the oppression.
And also, if you're in America, there's not oppression.
I don't feel like there's oppression.
You know, I've met people from every race and every gender and even animals.
Look at Air Bud.
Dude, in some countries, you know, no offense, you know, Riley Mao, but in some countries, dude, you go to some of these more like kennel snacking continents and things would be different.
That thing's a movie star over here.
You know, so when a lot of these people are just talking about oppression, but they're Literally standing in a place where they're able to say whatever they want and can still go back to their own country.
I think it's a perfect example of seeing her.
This is a real example of what oppression and control by our country really looks like.
What do you think, Riley, on any of this?
Have you seen any of this?
You don't know about it?
I haven't.
Okay.
But yeah, I think I'm just over the, you know, the look at me.
When you're living in an amazing life, it's really hard to say that the place you're living it in, the platform you're living it in, is oppressing you.
I mean, I think we all feel somewhat pressured and struggle through society, but there needs to be struggle for everyone.
There needs to be some pressure.
But yeah, this is something that is real.
Now you can't even go back home because you spoke freely.
I bet if that was the case for some of the American athletes, I bet that they would have a different A, understanding of oppression and then B, a different tone, I think.
But what do I know?
You know what I'm saying?
I'm just one human who's ejaculated less than 11 hours ago.
So, and not really proud of it.
You know?
What else, man?
What else is going on?
Lil Boosie.
He's been on the pod.
You know that.
And he had a little speech he gave about homosexuality being pushed.
It's sad how y'all trying to force this gay stuff on the world, bro.
It's sad.
How y'all trying to ban artists?
Y'all sad, bro.
It's sad, bro.
You know.
In 10 years, it ain't going to be normal for a kid to be straight.
You know, it's sad, bro.
Y'all trying to force it on these kids, bro.
You know.
You pushing it on the artists.
Push it on all the biggest artists.
You know why?
Because the kids love those artists.
You attacking these kids.
The kids love these artists.
So we're going to make all them promote this shit.
We're going to make all them promote it.
And who gonna follow?
The kids.
It's sad, bro.
It's sad, bro.
Lil Boosie's speaking out.
One thing I love about Lil Boose, he's always willing to share what his real thoughts are.
You know, and it's something I struggle to do, man.
I think a lot of us struggle to do that in today's society with a fear of retaliation.
You know, and most of my fear of retaliation, you know, comes sometimes from, you know, just that I won't be able to have opportunities on certain platforms.
I'll be deplatformed.
It's pretty scary.
You know, that here we are, you know, America, like how it even got started.
People wanted to think their own way and think something that was against the norm and say stuff that was against the norm.
So they left in a boat.
But now there's no new place to go to.
There's no, you can't just get in a boat and go to a new America.
Canada's not even letting people in right now.
They're still dealing with the first COVID or whatever.
I don't know what they're doing.
You know, and I wish somebody would go help them out because they're, you know, I get so many DMs from people in Canada like, Jesus Christ, come help us out.
You know, they found five people with COVID in a snowbank somewhere up near, you know, up in Saskatchewan.
And so now the rest of us can't go see our grandparents for another year.
But Lubusi, look, man, they definitely, it feels like there is a lot of times an agenda, this bigger picture agenda.
You know, like being straight is definitely feels like it's like it is frowned upon or it is, it's not right.
I agree in some of the sense that a lot of times they want to create a lot of uncertainty in kids, and that's who consumes a lot of stuff and who really believes a lot of things that they see through media.
You know, you got eight-year-old children now saying that they may be gay or they are gay, and you're like, well, you might be, but I wouldn't, it might be a little early to call the horse race.
And it's wild, man.
The media is wild on all fronts.
You know, I think anyway, the media has just gotten out of control.
I think the media has created a lot of problems with the COVID thing.
A lot of, you know, nobody knows if they can trust a news source anymore.
And I believe it's just because you can't.
The news wins.
If we're all fighting, if we're all sitting there in fear of COVID, watching the news to get the next dose of whatever they want to say, then that's how they win.
Especially now when there's like different news channels and some of them don't even feel America, like, it feels like some of them just, I don't know.
Like they just look so down upon America, which is the country you're allowed to even have the freedom of speech in.
It's all kind of baffling to me.
Am I losing you here, Riley?
No, I'm here.
What do you think on some of this?
Do you think sometimes the media kind of or that like a lot of stuff Is anti-straight, or do you think there's any of that going on?
What are you guys hearing on your end of it of the horn?
Honestly, I don't really listen to the news that much anymore just because a lot of it's fake.
Yeah.
And I don't either.
I think I just get fearful when I see people who do sometimes.
You know, that's almost real scary to me is meeting somebody who believes the news.
But then also, if you don't have the news, all you have is that inner news, your instincts.
And they're not really letting people live by those anymore.
It feels like it's getting real dicey out there.
But I applaud Lil Boosie for speaking his mind.
You know, a lot of media, a lot of television and movies these days, mostly movies, have gotten really bad because everything's so woke.
It's just like every character is gay or trans or has, you know, they have a ghost now.
They have two gay ghosts I saw the other day somewhere doing something.
They're not scaring people because it's wrong.
It's like, you're a fucking ghost.
You're a ghost.
Your job is to do scaring.
Okay?
I don't need a ghost, two ghosts, you know, to open up a, you know, a cat rescue.
You know what I'm saying?
That's not your jobs to be ghosting.
So it's just getting different out there.
It's getting a little dicey out there.
Let's get to a little more news and then we'll get to get to what else is going on.
The Wuhan lab, you know, that's coming out that they say that they've, you know, a federal committee has determined that there's a lot of evidence that believes the mainstream media was silent on alarming findings from the House Foreign Affairs Committee.
A probe into the possible ordinances of COVID-19 on Monday, despite one lawmaker calling it the greatest cover-up in human history.
Look, a lot of people have thought that that's where the disease came from.
So I don't think, I think this is just an example of the news puts out what it wants to put out.
And so they're now shaping what you believe, what you know.
And that's what's scary.
That's what's scary is that the media can shape what we know and what we believe.
They always have.
I feel like there used to be a sense that you could trust them, but now there's not that sense.
So of course you're going to have every – You're going to have people uncertain what to believe.
You're going to have people trust in their instincts.
That's kind of where I'm at, man.
That's kind of where I'm at.
One other thing I noticed, if you look at the Olympic medals, the three leading countries are China, America, and Russia.
Which I think is just kind of fascinating because those are kind of like the countries that keep getting like spit around as like at each other's throats kind of or influencing each other's policies or having an effect on each other's policies or tariffing each other or boycotting each other.
So I just, it's almost like it's just, it makes, it's like if there's some sort of bigger power, some new world order that's moving things around, then it makes sense that now in the Olympics, these are the three countries that are the meta leaders that are kind of against each other.
It's almost like it's just building the plot more and more.
You know, just the accusation of Russia infecting American politics and the issues with the virus coming from China and the denial of it by some American media and American politics.
It's just interesting that these are the three that are in the Olympics and it's neck and neck.
And I don't know.
You know, get a Glock and a little bit of property, I think, if you can.
I feel like, because it seems like it's spooky sometimes.
Like, you don't know when they're going to turn the switch up even higher.
And the grill under all of our feet is going to get a little bit, going to get a little bit wicked.
But maybe that's all crazy.
What do you think, Riley Mao?
Do you think I'm making any sense or nothing?
Yeah, no, you make perfect sense.
Dang.
And now this is coming from an oracle.
This is coming from you beautiful little Filipino oracle right here.
The undaunted, the unbustable Riley Mao, we'll call you, man.
We got to find you a decent girlfriend, don't we?
Yeah, we do.
Now, can you date legally and everything?
Yeah, yeah.
We'll have to see if we can find a decent lady for you.
What's your Instagram handle, Riley?
It is at Riley Mao Films.
At Riley Mao Films.
So ladies, if you're a decent lady who is willing to, you know, be that bust hunter, that Filipino bust hunter, then you can go after this young fella right there.
And I don't, do you feel like I'm auctioning you off?
I don't want to be doing that.
No, please do.
Okay, there you go.
And there you go.
Speaking is real mine.
The little boosie of our studio right here.
Actually, you know what, real quick?
We got a video of somebody losing it in a waffle house.
see that.
*Loud*
Hey, get up on the tower.
You're going to jail.
I'm so tired of eating the mess.
I want something else now.
You're looking at me like a home or something.
You owe me.
You talk to nobody.
You can't get out of here.
Come outside.
And this is a couple of cute white girls actually enjoying some what looks to be let me rewind that I think that was potato potato while a couple of aggressive, you're not aggressive, but a couple of urban women, and one of the women wearing complete lime outfit, lime coloring.
So that is kind of a thing in the urban community.
You'll see a lot of full color lime while these people enjoy a bit of potato here.
A couple dimes here.
Pataten up.
while a couple other people not handling society very well at that moment.
"Get out!
Get out!
Now!" And there you go.
And somebody just trying to work and somebody doesn't know how to be a societal person right there.
And that's always tough.
You ever been in a place where they had a fight in the establishment, Riley?
Actually, yeah, just recently.
Where were you at?
I was at one of the bars in downtown Nashville.
Oh, wow.
So you go out to the bars, though?
I do.
Okay.
And what type of places do you enjoy when you go out?
Do you enjoy a bit of music?
Do you enjoy a bit of just people sitting around telling tales or what?
Yeah, either like, you know, live shows that artists in Nashville go to and perform or like EDM raves.
Oh, okay, damn.
Now, that feels like it'd be risking that, you know, risking that body nut taking your body, an unexploded body out to an EDM rave because there's a lot of sexy outfits out there.
Not for me.
Damn, what do you just drink cold water the other time?
Do you hold ice in your hands?
What do you do?
Sometimes water, but beer as well.
Oh, really?
You'll have some beer?
Dang!
And that's really, man, that's getting on the bull.
So how do you have beer and not masturbate your body off?
I just drink beer to have a good time.
Damn.
God, I need God.
I need God, man.
Oh, I just can't stay off that bus stick recently.
But anyway, speaking of that, man, we had, I'm going to let you know, I actually have some show in Nashville tomorrow.
No, Thursday night.
I'm going to be running my The Hour.
It's going to be over there at Zane's.
There may still be tickets available.
Actually, I don't even know if there will be when this goes up.
Just letting you know.
And then other places I'm coming to soon, Huntsville, St. Louis, Cincinnati, Wilkes-Barre, Minneapolis, Charleston, Richmond, Baltimore, Portland, Burlington, Albany, Buffalo, Columbus.
We will be putting some Florida on the schedule for the spring.
That'll go up probably in about a month, I think.
As well, I want to get up there to Canada if you guys ever open your country up.
So I'll be looking forward to getting up there and seeing you guys.
What else?
Oh, before we get to a lot of men called in about that first bus they had, Laurel Hubbard, an openly trans female weightlifter, failed to complete any of her three lifts at the women's 87-kilogram Olympic weightlifting competition.
She's become the first out-trans woman to compete at the Olympics.
Hubbard met all the requirements set by the IWF, but her participation came with controversy.
Yep.
What I think it should, I would love to see, and this is just an idealistic thing, an idea, they'll call it.
I wish that it was a trade program.
You get one, we get one.
We'll send you Ronnie, you send us.
No, we don't want Elizabeth, okay?
We want Diana.
You know, you send us Jacob, we'll take Rhondisha.
Like, I feel like it would be better if there was a kind of a commission where you got the trade, where you got the trade and you had to go all the way through and live, like, say, if the man that's coming over, he was a postman and now he wants to work.
If he switches at the same time as somebody else to a different gender, that Red Rover, then they got to be in that person's job.
So if you come over, you got to do whatever that, you know, that lady was doing.
If she's an esthetician, now Ronnie is doing nails and feet.
You know?
And Sen Yum is doing selling cutcoat knives or whatever Ronnie was doing.
I just think I would love to see, you know, Red Rover, Red Rover send Sharif right over and we will give you Melissa Jane.
I would love to see that a little bit more so that you could keep tabs on what, how it's fully working out.
Then you get the full transition.
Can you go all the way over?
Can you then, now your uncle is a woman.
But can she do the uncle role?
Does that make sense, Riley?
It does.
Do you have any trans in your family?
I don't.
At least, not that I know of.
Right.
And it's a lot of hide-and-go-seek out there.
You know, I thought I've seen somebody with kind of a long posse before, and I didn't know what it was, but, you know, you're in your 20s, and you just hope God has a bigger plan for you.
But anyway, man, yeah, that's what's going on out there.
I do feel like the feminine gender is benefiting more from this because men, we're sending over some decent men.
We've sent over the Olympian, the decathlete, Kardashian.
I don't know what that man's name is.
You know his name?
I don't.
We sent that man.
So you got him.
Now he's womaned out.
You got him.
But who are we getting?
You know, I'd love us if they would send us somebody, you know, send us.
Oh, that lady that played in Friday Night Lights.
You know her name?
I don't.
Jesus Christ, man.
Not you, Jesus, a different guy.
But never mind.
I wish that they would send her over.
Okay, we did it.
We said a lot.
Let's get into these calls, man.
A couple of calls that came in.
People that, this is, we had a man call in and hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
Talking about the first time they ever just really ejected out of their body.
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I got to let you know what's a country you might visit, man, if you ever could visit somewhere?
I would say Germany.
Okay.
Would you ever go back to your homeland, your family's homeland, you think?
Yeah, I'm here.
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A little Japanese.
Ooh.
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Hajimi mashde.
That's a little bit of Japanese I learned one time.
It is.
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Hajimi mashde.
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Nope.
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It's good to learn new languages, huh?
Yeah.
Do you find yourself learning more as you get older or did you feel like you did a lot of your learning as a youth?
Hey, I'm learning every day.
Amen.
Amen, man.
I want to thank our callers that called in and offered up some of their stories.
Let's get into a couple of them right now.
These are men and their first experiences with that first bust.
And Riley, this will all be kind of new to you, but this will be a little bit of learning experience for you.
So listen up.
Yo, what up, Theo?
This is your boy Beasley.
God bless, man.
I'm down here in Fayetteville, Arkansas.
Beasley.
Welcome to the show, Beasley.
And thank you for calling from over there in Fayetteville.
I've been there.
It's where Bill Clinton and his wife started doing that deal.
And it's a beautiful college town onward.
About first time we let that love potion flow.
Well, I grew up in Springville, Arkansas, and my buddy, his name was Chris.
He was a birdwatcher.
I bet he is, dude.
I bet he is, if he's in this story, Onward.
But anyways, they had an in-ground pool across the street.
So I was probably like sixth or seventh grade, and I was by the side of the pool, and that jet was sitting at Winky.
And, you know, I didn't even really know what was going on.
And so finally, you know, I just did that thing.
I didn't even know what it was.
And so every day after that, I wanted to go to swim, you know, across the street at the neighbor's pool.
And I would just sit there and sit there and sit there.
And finally, the mother caught on to what was going on.
And they never let me back over there again.
And I mean, she didn't tell anybody else what was going on, but she definitely knew what was going on.
So that was the first time that that ever happened.
So that's just my story.
All right, man.
Love you guys.
Gang gang, buzz, buzz.
Gang gang, baby, love you too, man.
And I want to say this.
I would love it, Beasley, if maybe we could even get that woman's number and see if you could give her a call and just clear the air.
You know, I feel like sometimes there needs to be some air cleared.
I got a man saw me masturbating myself in a little pool house in Atlanta one time when I was young.
I'll never forget that man and really what his face looked like real quickly as he opened the door and saw me and then closed it back up.
That still hurts my heart a little bit.
If I'd love to see him if I could, you know, if I had time to search, you know, show people a picture of this man until we found him.
But yeah, if you can get that lady's number, man, we'd love to get her and you on the line together and see if you can't just bring all that to a close, brother.
You know, because I'm sure part of you still feels bad, you know, masturbating into their pool and then never seeing each other again.
That's dicey, dude.
That's almost deadbeat dad kind of shit.
Let's hear more, brother.
Here's another one that came in.
Thank you, Beasley.
What do you think about what Beasley had to say there, Rally?
Yeah, I mean, I think he feels a little bad.
I can just hear it in his voice.
Thank you.
I can too, actually.
I like that about you, man.
You alert.
You're right on the cusp, baby.
Hey, Theo.
I just wanted to share with you a story about the first time that I ever, you know, experimented with, you know, getting that old semen out of me.
Ejaculation, brother.
Yes, sir.
Tell me more.
And you know what?
I do agree with you.
That should be on the periodic table of elements.
And, well, I was home alone and I was exploring.
It was around Christmas time.
I was looking in the closet, in my parents' closet, looking for some old Christmas presents, maybe some wrapping paper just to get a clue.
And see this little bottle.
And it said something about hot and cold on it.
And I squeezed some in my hand and it smelled good and it was slippery.
And I said, you know what?
I'm going to go out in the driveway and sit in that old Saturn that's been sitting there for about three years.
So started rubbing on myself.
And something came out of me.
And I was probably about 13 years old.
And it felt good.
I did feel ashamed, though, because I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing that.
But I didn't know that was going to happen.
It just felt good.
So I did.
And, you know, I got that hitter.
As you told me to, I got that hitter.
Gang, baby, yeah.
The fellow right there found a little special lotion in his folks' room, and he's out there pleasuring himself in a Saturn, doing hand pleasure in a Saturn.
And I'm sure a lot of people have combed out in a Saturn before.
I'm not shocked by that, because they even had to discontinue him at some point.
So.
What about school dances and stuff, Riley?
When you went to that sort of thing, was there any pressure to be sexually active or creative in those environments?
Not really.
Then again, I only went to a couple of school dances.
Was it any with like an actual girlfriend or was more like a set-up date?
Neither.
It was just with friends.
Oh, really?
Just with the Amigo stag, huh?
Man.
We got to get you out there.
All right.
Let's hear another one that came in right here.
Thank you guys for these calls and for sharing this part of your life.
You know, I know it's a unique time in a man's life.
You know, when you really, when you just start making those orphans.
Let's hear it.
Hey, C.O., it's Riggs, man.
I'm calling, listening to your latest episode, and you're talking about wanting stories about the first time you spilled the dumplings.
Amen, Ridge.
Thank you for calling, Ridge.
Amen.
My first time did Lim Lord Spiddle, man, and it was in the bathtub, and I was laying in there.
I'd take long baths.
I was about 12 years old.
Oh, yeah, as a pervert, baby, onward.
My little sister, you know, we only had two kids in our house, so it was none of that, but she had some Barbies.
And she had the Barbies laying out, and they had this smooth pelvis region, but, you know, my imagination got the best of me, and I spilled the dumplings.
And then from there on out, it was every night I was thinking about the neighbor's black sisters.
And I felt guilty about that, but I've gotten past it.
But yeah, it was the Barbies in the bathtub, man.
All right.
Gang, gang.
Gang, baby, yeah.
I mean, look, that's one thing, too.
It can promote diversity.
One thing that's neat about jerking off or jerking yourself or spilling your body outside of yourself is that you can fantasize about anyone.
And so it can create a lot of diversity in your brain.
You know, you can really...
You know?
You could pleasure yourself to someone from damn, you know, 1960s, whatever you want.
They could be black, they could be Viet, Chinese, white, Asian, German.
You know, they could be anything, bro.
So there you go.
All right, let's hear one or two more that came in.
Onward.
CEO, the first time I, this is David from Baltimore calling it.
The first time I pleasured myself, I actually didn't do it with my hands.
This is a little weird, but there was a hole in the back of this teddy bear.
Sure, there just happened to be one, huh?
That old trick.
That I had, That I would when I was a kid.
There was a hole in the back of it, and I kind of, you know, pressed inside it and kept going.
And then when suddenly I got to the point that I ejaculated, I definitely was scared.
I didn't know.
I grew up in a very Christian family.
No one ever, you know, explained to me what semen was, really.
And so I really was scared that maybe I'd hurt myself because it was the first fluid to come out of my body besides urine or feces or blood that just really kind of caught me off guard.
Yeah, baby, that trick shot, you know?
That fourth fluid, baby, more.
And I definitely was nervous.
Yeah, I love you, man.
Love you too, brother.
And yeah.
What do you think when you hear these guys, right?
Do you think it's okay?
Do you think they're wrong?
Or do you feel like it's just what they're doing?
What's going on?
I mean, like I said, it's what they do.
If they want to do it, they want to do it.
Yep.
Can't stop them.
Yep.
Wish we could sometimes.
Let's hear one more that came in here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
It's Xander from Indiana.
Xander.
Thank you for calling.
And Xander definitely sounds like somebody that's willing to jack themselves out a little.
You know, get all e-jacked up.
Let's hear more, Bubby.
I was giving you a call.
I was listening to the podcast.
You said you wanted to hear about that first-time E-Jack story.
Anyway, I was in the eighth grade, so it must have been about 12, 13. Oh, yeah.
And I went on a ski trip for the class trip, and I went off a big jump, and I landed on my back, and I messed it up.
But when I got home, my mom was telling me to ice it and whatnot, and she brought out this back massager.
You know, I was in my bedroom with that back massager, and I put it on my penis.
And a few seconds later, you know, I creamed out, brother.
Did that admission.
Anyway, I didn't know what happened.
So I went to my older brother, who was about two years older than me, and I showed him.
I was like, dude, what is this?
This came out of me.
He looks at me and goes, throw those in the garbage, and don't ever tell anyone that you did that again.
So I was scared.
I was like, man, what was that?
Anyway, I spent the next couple months scared to death to lose any.
And I thought that if I did it too much, that I would run out.
And I didn't figure out that your body just keeps pumping that shit out until I was about 16, 17. So I'm that private school late learner, bruh.
Anyway, have a blessed rest of your week.
Gang, gang, baby.
Gang, baby.
Huh.
That he would run out.
That's interesting, huh?
That he would run out, that there wouldn't be more.
His brother said, don't tell anybody.
Go hide it.
The other kids making love to a bear.
I mean, this is why we are the society we are, I think.
This is why we don't know.
No one knows.
There's no education.
People are making love to hold out bears.
People are screwing pool jets.
You know, there's just for all the information we have, the fact that we don't share it to one another blows my damn nuts out.
Well, that's some of them right there, man.
I remember, I'll share a few with you, Riley.
A couple from my own experiences.
You know, I remember I was in love with this gal.
She was pretty good looking.
You know, she was probably six out of ten, which was good for me.
You know, it was good for me.
She was a real little thicky bear.
And she had real soft titty, I remember that.
And I was over at their house one time, and we were sitting back by this river.
They had like a river out back or like a creek or something.
And she j-o'd me out into this stream.
You know, she gave me a handy or whatever they called it.
You know, just a wrist, just wristing me out into this little stream.
And I didn't know I'd never, like, I'd never just, you know, purveyed semen out of my body near anybody else.
No one had ever else had seen me do this kind of magic, this body magique.
And so next thing you know, I e-jacked out into the stream and these fish swim up and literally just start consuming it.
And so I'm like having dreams that I'm going to have like fish that look like me in our area.
You know, so I was always embarrassed to go fishing after that because I think I always felt like somehow they would know.
Like somebody would pull a fish out of the water and they would hear it.
You know, like then the idea would come into their head because the truth would be in the fish.
So shit like that can really mess a child up, dude.
You know, it can really mess a child up.
Riley, what else, man?
Anything else we want to tell people or talk about?
I got a free hot dog from Daddy's Dogs.
Oh, you did?
I did.
Oh, wow.
And how'd you get that?
I was just walking around with a few friends, and someone who was working at the cart was like, Riley Mao.
And I was like, hey, man, what's up?
He was like, dude, love you on the podcast.
So he gave me a free hot dog.
Really?
Yeah.
Shout out to Daddy's Dogs.
Damn, Daddy's Dogs hooking Riley up at that nice treat.
I think I like first I get the dog and the bun, then I like to make a little space between the dog and the bun.
I like to put ketchup on one side, mustard on the other.
Then I'll go with a relish out that packet.
Doesn't taste great, but I like what it does.
And that's how I'll do mine, you know.
And I really like to have a Diet Coke with it if I can.
I really like having that Diet Coke feeling hit my face after I have the dog.
After I have that dog hit my face, I like having that Diet Coke.
You prefer a certain beverage with them?
Either a lemonade or Dr. Pepper.
Oh, lemonade.
Okay.
I like that.
Hey, T.O., it's Cole out of San Diego, man.
I've been appreciating the kind of guests you have on recently on this past weekend, especially the one with Mario Gutierrez, the jockey.
Went down to Delmar racetracks today, and actually got to see him walk off the track and called him by name and said I appreciated the podcast.
And I really enjoyed hearing what he had to say.
And he actually said thank you and that's nice when I shouted him out.
So I appreciate it, man.
It was a good podcast.
And I bet some money on him.
I won about $60.
So I appreciate it.
Keep doing what you're doing.
I know we all appreciate it, man.
We'll see you.
Gang, baby, thank you.
Yeah, if you haven't seen that episode, it's the jockey episode, one of the job episodes, and it's Mario Gutierrez.
And, man, that was one of my favorite conversations.
Just learning about everything about what it's like to be a jockey and learning about his trials and coming from another country into this oppressed, horrible place of America and being able to live out his dreams, you know?
I mean, how does anybody even do it?
You know?
How does anybody even do it?
I jest there.
But no, it's a great story.
And he's just, man, you just, you love him, you know?
And you love the way that he communicates.
And then, yeah, it gives us somebody to vet on.
Next time you go to the horse track, if you're over there at Santa Anida, or I'm not sure some of the other ones he's at.
But yeah, down towards San Diego.
I'm about to get out there and go see him.
I'm going to hit him up soon and get out there and go see him.
But that's the jockey episode, Mario Gutierrez.
And check that one out.
And I want to thank everybody just for supporting the podcast, man, and being a part of things here.
Riley, I want to thank you.
Thank you for being on a part of the episode today and for sharing part of your life with us.
Yeah, man.
It's interesting, dude.
Yeah, thanks for having me on.
You betcha.
All right, this is a song Every Night by Jameson Flood.
And this song is with us early in the pod, and it's with us here today.
You guys be good to yourselves.
You deserve it.
gang.
Outro Music.
Bye.
you Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Aye, so yeah.
Easy to you.
Well, anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John Maine.
I'll take a quarter pot of cheese at a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?