Theo talks about why he thinks Cory Sandhagen actually beat T.J Dillashaw, how a bad batch of laundry detergent can ruin your whole week and takes suggestions from callers on what their “Last Words” would be. Theo also checks in with a single mom who's living that barefoot summer camp life in Canada with her four little ones.
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Welcome to episode 351 of this past weekend.
Thank you for being alive at this time.
And I'm happy to be alive for the most part, and I'm happy to be here with you.
That part is definite.
And what's going on, man?
I'm dealing with a lot of itchery at the house.
I got, you know, I got a bad detergent.
And I don't want to call out any shops or mercantiles, but 99 cent store.
You know, y'all gave me some, they gave me some Tide.
And it's, I think, Tide Fresh and Easy.
I think is the packaging.
Let me be sure of that.
I don't want to send somebody on a bad route here.
Tide fresh and clean is the item I'm talking about.
And I don't know if they just got a hot batch or something, but it's got me itching, everything.
And at first I didn't know what was happening.
I didn't know.
You could have asked me, what's happening?
I said, I don't know.
I don't know.
And I was seeing kind of whelps around my ankles.
You know, and I got a little bit of fat family and sometimes a lot of sugar will gather around your ankles down in your blood.
You know, ankles just that, that's that hearty swamp knuckle.
That's that last hitter.
When you really get down to the ankle, that's really, I mean, damn, that's the Lord's U-turn at each one of your legs.
You know, that's where the stream kind of stops and rebuttals.
So a lot of, you know, like I said, I got family that's real, got a lot of grits in them, if you know what I'm saying.
And, you know, they real, you know, they hardy.
They hardy.
You crack them open, they're going to have a couple hearts in them, man.
You know, they hardy.
And so the deal is that a lot of sugar gathers there at that little turnabout at the ankle.
So anyway, I'm thinking maybe I'm, you know, I've had some bad chamomile tea or I've had a bad Donnet or something.
You know, maybe I had me a couple, you know, I'll put a little, you know, I like ribs, I like rib meat, and sometimes I'll put a little too much sauce on there.
So really I'm having sauce and I'm just eating it with a rib.
You know, at some point I'm, I'm, the entree is the sauce.
So I've been there, you know.
Sometime at a barbecue, you'll see me sitting at that last, at the last picnic tables and I'm just dipping a bone in the sauce, you know.
I'm just going straight marrow to mouth, honey, you know.
I'm just hauling sauce, man.
So I thought maybe I'd had too much sugar, I'd had too much barbecue sauce, or it was a condiment that was real sweet heavy that was making me have too much sugar in my body, making my ankles itch.
And so I'm trying to adjust my diet, and I keep itching.
And then I saw a spider.
And so I said, oh, damn, you know, Charlotte's web in this bitch, you know what I'm saying?
This that damn fifth grade reading level, this shit's, you know, causing me to act up.
And then I noticed all my dermis on my legs and kind of the top of my ass really, or I don't know what that's called, at the top of your, where your ass kind of meets your back.
That part started getting bumps, little welts on it or something.
I said, what's going on?
I thought I was getting bit by spiders, so I slept in a different bed.
You know, I got me a batch of spider traps off the internet.
And one company I bought them from, some Chinese company, I finally opened up the spider trap because I kept itching day after day.
Open up, there's nothing in that bitch.
So they're selling out here, selling fake spider traps out here.
Damn Gary Vee out here, whoever it is, out here selling them Frank, you know, them fake ass arachnid apartments.
And, you know, I'm thinking these, they're out here gripping these little climbers and nothing.
And there's nothing, you know, open four of them up.
There's nothing in that, bitch.
There's no poison, nothing.
Hell, I could have licked my fingers after.
And I'd have been fine.
So anyway, just a couple bad purchases.
So finally I realized, well, maybe it's the detergent.
And what you don't understand is when your detergent is faulty or whatever, or you're allergic to it, you have an allergen.
Allergen.
When you have allergen, then everything you, you don't realize how many things have touched your detergent.
Your socks, pants, pillowcases, sheets, towels.
That was the one that I kept, you know, I dry off.
I bought some clothes.
I went to Target, bought me a damn batch of hangs over there.
Everything, top to bottom.
I mean, damn foot to front piece, you know, just hanged up.
I mean, I look like a damn stunt double on a Michael Jordan commercial.
You know, I was just hanged in the membrane, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
We hanged out.
They see me hanging.
They hating.
You know what I'm saying?
I was real hanged up and damn, but you don't realize the towel, when you get out the tub, you're drying yourself with the bad detergent.
So anyway, man, I'm at a place right now.
I'm having to re-wash everything in my place with some damn non-allergen, you know, real tender detergent, no homo, bro, no bromo, no nothing.
You know, everything's normal.
And so we got the regular detergent now or something soft, soft batch, baby.
Something you could damn, I mean, shit, you'd give half a cup of this to a damn toddler, I bet.
And he'd be fine.
I don't think there's even a medical warning on the back of it.
So, you know, I'm upstairs, but I'm damn, I'm itching.
I'm itching while I'm up there.
I'm still recovering.
I'll include a couple photos and images right here, right now, of the whelps and just little, you just don't realize how much of your body is touches detergent.
Or when you hug somebody, I dated a gal in college for a little bit, and her name was, I'm not going to say her name, but it was Vanessa, was her name.
And they called her Van, and I don't, you know, I don't recommend dating women name after autos.
You know?
But anyway, I dated this gal, Van, and she was a real stocky.
She was stocky.
You know what I'm saying?
She would damn, she could kind of flex and make her breast real hard if you want.
You know what I'm saying?
If you were into that kind of shit.
And I guess I don't know if I was into that, but I was, you know, she was willing to date me, and so there I was.
But anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is, and I remember when she would hug me, the detergent they used was bad.
So I remember after we get done making out or doing sex or anything like that, I'd look like a damn, you know, I'd look like I'd just been in a gangbang with a damn anteater.
You know, and he'd been breathing out the whole time.
So, oh, whatever, man.
But anyway, I'm happy to be here today with you.
I really am.
And I'm happy to be alive.
And I'm happy that you're alive.
And that's where I'm at.
So I just wanted to come to you cleanly and let you know where I'm at.
Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach in Los Angeles.
Gray Block, get that hitter.
All right, let's see what we're capable of.
All right.
Come on, baby.
That throwback hitter, baby.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home?
Tell him, Travis.
And my mom is somewhere else.
But when I file it, I'll patch up where it's been.
Come on.
Get in there.
Now I'm just on the breeze.
And I feel like these people are the best.
Come on now.
Let's go, baby.
Welcome home, baby.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself on my shine that light on me.
Come on.
Damn, the plan's closed.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me and I will find a song out.
I'm singing just for you.
And that is Bishop Gunn right there.
And that band, they couldn't keep it together.
You know, things happen.
You know, a band is just a family that has a skill set.
And just like families, you know, people get, you know, somebody's huffing gas.
Somebody's, you know, too big for their britches.
Somebody's too small for their britches.
Like my buddy Alan, I grew up with.
You know, he could barely fit into a damn child.
You know, he could barely fit into a child's pants.
Praise God, brother.
What's going on?
I'm here.
You're here.
And we are doing it.
We're heading into the fall.
And that's a lie, actually, because August is really that last gas, baby.
It's that fifth round of the summer.
It's that, you know, it's that fifth and final round of the summer.
What have I been doing, man?
We had a great episode with John Christ.
If you're not familiar with John, you know, he's an interesting guy.
You know, he talked about growing up in a household that had eight children.
I mean, damn, you know, you could run into somebody in the hall and barely fucking remember who they are.
are you, Ronald?
No, I'm not Ronald.
You know, I'm Diana.
Well, damn, you know, grow your hair out.
You know, eight people.
I mean, it's, and he said they made you take your shoes off at his house when you got there.
All fair, he and I were chatting.
He said that they had to take their shoes off at the door.
And I'm thinking, well, sometimes you get back to the door and there's damn 16 shoes there and that's just the children.
Fucking, you could put on two shoes, any type.
You know?
You sitting there at church with a damn sandal and a boot on and you think you did well.
It's just you could meet, you could meet somebody that you think is cute or has attraction.
You know, visuality really hits your eyes and you like it.
And they could be family.
And that's something that's just normal.
Some of that's you get outside of eight.
I think anything after seven children, man, I would never promote incestuality.
And I never have.
You could look at any chart or any, you know, history log.
You could look at my damn Google log.
I've never even looked it up.
I guarantee you I would misspell it.
But I think anything outside of after seven kids, man, somebody should be allowed to date.
If you got two kids and you're trying to date, that's, dude, that's dicey.
You know what I'm saying?
You got to tighten up, man.
You got to, you know, get on the apps or something.
But if you have over seven children and two of them start, you know, at least high fiving each other or playing this game a lot, you know, and really, you know, and doing it real heavy or late at night, then I think you got to let that slide.
You know, but what do I know?
Anyway, what were we talking about, man?
What did I do this weekend?
Well, I just got out of my ice plunge and I've been in there.
And, you know, the fellow that owns Grey Block Pizza, my friend Thomas, he make ice plunges now.
It's a separate company.
And they sent me one of them.
And I'll put a video on the Clips channel of my first couple times in there.
And it's real interesting because it makes your body feel, almost makes your body feel like it disappears.
It's so chilled out that just your head is awake.
You know, you can't really feel a pinch or, you know, a small dog could bite you.
A damn, not a German shepherd, but like a French shepherd could bite you.
You wouldn't even feel it.
You know, you just wouldn't have that.
You wouldn't know.
So because your body's real chilled out.
But so I've been in that.
You know, I've been dealing with the detergent issue.
And I'm not, you know, I just will not use the brand anymore.
Tide fresh and easy.
It ain't easy, brother.
It might be fresh, but it's, you know, it's one for two as far as I'm concerned.
Praise God, brother PTL.
You know that.
I'm upstairs.
I'll tell you this.
I watched the fight.
I watched the fight this weekend.
And I'm going to go on.
Look, Corey Sanhagen verse Tuja Dillashaw.
And look, these men are both warriors.
You know, I am not anything like them.
I am, you know, these are first-class combatists.
You know, these men have, I mean, and I've, you know, I've suffered from erectile dysfunction.
You know, these dudes have, you know, I mean, they're just damn made out of Viagra.
It almost seemed like they'll just, I mean, boing, they'll just damn put your lights out.
They got almost like dicks in their arms.
You know, they're just so virile.
You know, they're warriors, combatants.
If it were, you know, archaic times or Robin Hood, whenever that was, 1600, you know, you'd have San Hagen would be like a, he'd be a king or a young king somewhere.
And I think Tuja would be a, he'd be a, you know, he almost has the villain role to me for some reason.
And I don't know why that is.
Maybe it could have been his, you know, because of the suspension coming back from the suspension.
He had that, you know, he's got that, he's a little more Slytherin.
And I'm not, you know, no shade either of these men.
They're both, you know, these men would, I mean, these men could tie me in a knot with their damn tongue.
You know, these fellas would cherry stem me up.
So, but anyway, I'm watching the fight and I mean, San Hagen put that, he hit him in the rafters real early.
You know, and he really clipped him and got a little bit of blood out of him.
Not much, but I would say probably half cup throughout the whole event, quarter cup, maybe.
Which might have given you the, maybe if I'm Corey Sanhagen, I had the idea that I'm getting, maybe it gives me the idea that I'm winning more, that I'm, it just, visually it looked like that.
So I could know that maybe that would have been off.
You had Sanhagen landed more strikes.
You know, he hit him with more opportunities.
I mean, he was just damn throwing just, you know, he was out there like a damn battle bot.
Now, I think the part where it gets tricky is that Dillasaw is that pressure bear.
You know what I'm saying?
He's that honey hunter, man.
He's the second you let him, the second you open that zoo cage, he is out there mauling people.
Whereas San Hagen is more that sniper.
You know, he kind of works for the electric company.
He'll climb up the pole and kind of see what's going on, and then he'll zap you.
You know, he's really that, you know, that's kind of how he is, you know.
But damn, Dillashaw is out there beating the damn Diet Coke out of a child's hand.
You know what I'm saying?
He's just, he's the mauler.
So I think I could see it visually, there's kind of two different things going on.
You have Dillashaw controlling.
You know, he kind of held Corey against the cage.
He had that control time.
You know, that time of, it was almost slow dancing.
You almost want him to put a song on.
You know, put on some Garth Brooks or put on a little bit of maybe some really slow Kodak Black or something, if he's ever done a ballad.
Or some early or some early Bieber.
Some early JB, you know, throw that on.
But the control to like, it's just kind of like, I don't know, I feel like sometimes you're just holding somebody there.
Now, I know we did a lot of knees to him.
He really knead them up.
You know, he knead him up like a damn, you know, kind of like the way an armless man would make a damn, would kind of prepare a dough or do veal.
If you got somebody with no arms the way they do veal, it's just, you know what I'm saying?
They knee that damn little animal into submission until it's ready to, you know, be a damn macaroni grill entree.
But I just feel like, and so you had San Hagen, you had Dillashaw pushed about.
He pushed about.
He came at him.
But I don't think there's anything wrong with backing away from a guy to get into the position that you want the most.
You know, if a bee's coming at you, you don't just attack the bee.
You kind of reposition yourself.
You move around.
You might circle the block.
You may put a mannequin out there that's dressed like you and then sneak around, watch the bee, see what it's doing, and then come back at it.
But I don't think there's anything wrong with just repositioning yourself.
If you look at what Sand Hagen did against Frankie Edgar, who I love, dear God, man, I wish he was my godfather.
If I could be, you know, if I could climb back in my mother's vagina and, you know, email Frankie before I would see if he would do that for me.
But San Hagen did that against Edgar.
He kind of just backed up and moved him into position.
So you have to respect that just because a guy is kind of retreating, that can be strategy.
So I thought it was really close.
I think it's interesting when a sport is also a business.
There's going to become moments where if you let it be too close, that the business can help determine what the future looks like.
And it's a great look for the weight class.
It's a great look for UFC.
You know, Dilla Shaw was, you know, they kind of, it almost felt like Sanhagen had to prove himself more than Dilla Shaw had to prove himself.
So I don't know if some of the judges went into it with, you know, with that sort of mindset in the beginning.
But I feel like the outcome was better for the business.
And also, look, what do I know nothing?
I'm a one-stripe white belt that hasn't been to class in almost a month because my ribs kept getting fractured by women and men and women.
But so I think that it was a great, it's great for the business.
Suddenly you got Dyla Shaws back in there and he's back in the bout structure.
So you're going to get more fights out of him.
San Hagen's still young.
You know he can, you know, he'll be able to meander around in there before he'll be able to, you know, you could insert him back in for that title shot whenever.
Maybe you run it back.
I don't know.
I just don't see, I see how if I'm the business, if I'm the business, then I give it to Dilla Shaw.
But if I'm a judge, I side with how Anthony Smith said it, you know, the lionhearted one.
He said it after the show.
He said, I had it 4-1 San Hagans.
And that's how I had it, man.
I had San Hagins winning.
Now, Brennan Shaw would disagree with me, but, oh, well, I don't have to agree with him all the time if I don't want to or anyone.
And look, I don't know what I'm talking about, but I believe I know what I saw.
And I believe that Corey San Hagen did enough to win.
So, what else, man?
What else do we have going on out here in the world?
What else did I do?
Yeah, that John Chris episode is just, it's a good one.
You know, we talked a lot about sex addiction and just why we kind of what young men are, how our early lives shape How we interact with affection as we grow older.
And John was really forthright talking about his journey and his struggles.
And sometimes, you know, we get in the struggle space where it's like, once you enter the struggle space, you kind of think everything is a struggle.
And I recognize that, you know, sometimes things just are what they are.
It's not necessarily a struggle.
It's not necessarily a bonus or a bravado or a positive.
It just is what it is.
But it was interesting, man.
We talked about the first time you ever ejacked out of your body.
The first time you let that, you know, you let God's trout just kind of fly out of your body, out of your body.
And what that was like and the feeling from it.
You know, I think I felt real ashamed the first time I really just sprayed out.
I felt ashamed, man.
I felt excited and fired up.
I felt like I had, it's almost like you're thumb wrestling and you really win against yourself.
And one of your thumbs is, you know, your pen is your wiener, body wiener.
You know, I remember being young and I found some liquor and some titty mags, you know, titty, you know, literature, titty literature.
And I was up on this shelf and you know, I climbed up there and found me a little jack stack.
You know, my brother had something.
And he'd been touching himself and I didn't know it.
And I shouldn't know it.
There's only, you know, we had four children.
Now, if we got up to seven children, then maybe we could have started writing little notes, leaving notes for each other.
But we was at four children in our household.
And I just remember pleasuring myself.
And then I'd been drinking, he had a little bit of liquor up there, Cisco, Strawberry Dazzle or something.
And it was urban liquors.
You'd see a lot of brothers sipping on it.
You know, older men, older, kind of darker men.
You'd see them sucking on a bottle of it over there by the AMP or behind the post office.
And I had that and I lip down, I gummed down two sips of that.
And next thing you know, I'm pleasuring myself.
You know, and the Lord's near sporing is just flowing right out of my damn nuts.
And I remember feeling, I mean, I felt exalted.
I felt excited.
I felt, but I also remember just feeling kind of shame because you had to go and clean it off my body.
I had to clean it off of me.
And I think I felt a lot of shame, I think.
Because it really, it's a precious metal, man.
There's no more precious metal than pure body semen.
I don't think.
And what do I know?
You know what I'm saying?
I'm just an adult.
But there's no more precious.
I mean, I've always long said that it should be on the periodic table.
You know, it's that liquid life.
I can't believe carbon is on there.
Let me look up a periodic element.
Periodic element.
Let me rattle off a couple that are on here.
Damn.
Laurentium.
Who the hell is that?
Laurentium's on that shit.
Dubnium.
Come on, man.
Dubnium?
And semenium on here?
Osmium.
Iridium, dude.
He played basketball at our high school.
Iridium Bayham, dude.
Come on.
So I'm just saying, if anything should be on a periodic table, it should be semen, brother.
Body semen.
And that's a fact, bro.
I mean, that's an adult fact.
But anyway, if you have a story, if you want to share about the first time you ever busted out of your body, first time you ever, you know, you really just are, you're taking everything that's in you that's possible and just sharing that into the world.
Did you feel okay?
Did you feel bad?
You know, hit the hotline 985-664-9503.
And I'm coming off a rough patch, too.
I've been, you know, I masturbated last night.
And so I think I'm feeling some type of way.
And it was the second night in a row for me.
So that's who I am right now.
And that's okay.
I still got up and stayed active this morning.
I plan on eating lunch.
I'm taking care of myself, but Riley Mao, what do you think?
I'm joking he's not here.
Would it matter if he was here?
This would be his answer.
Of course.
What else do we have going on?
We got, yeah, if you have a story about that first bust, man, that time you brought it into the world.
Because once you really crack open that cavern, it's hard to go back.
It's hard to roll that rock in front of that, you know, in front of this new chasm Or chasm that you've created in the world.
It's hard to close Pandora's box, man.
You got that spunk stick on you, you know?
You got that little fiddle, man, and you know how to play it.
You got that I want to feel good now little handle on you.
And that's Wiener, baby.
That's Body Wiener.
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You know, a lot of people aren't working right now.
And hell, it's pissing a lot of people off.
You go to, I went to Home Depot, there's nobody back in the garden.
Jesus, I felt like Adam back there.
You know, I could have eaten an apple and damn mastered, you know, I could have done whatever I wanted, touched some titty back there if I brought some with me.
But, you know, just different, you just, you know, nobody's back there, Jeepers.
I could have unleashed a snake and hit an apple back there and damn reenacted the Bible if I wanted to.
Praise God, brother.
But everyone knows when you're applying to jobs, you're lucky if you make it through one application before you're ready to give up.
And that's true.
You're writing this male, female, non-binary, no crotch, you know, no crotch, no homo, no nothing, you know, ghost.
That's going to be an option soon.
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That's the ladders, L-A-D-D-E-R-S dot com slash Theo to sign up today.
And I'm enjoying me a liquid death right there, man.
But yeah, hit the hotline if you have a good story about how you, you know, or just what you felt like the first time you really made pleasant with yourself.
First time you ever really kind of took your little wiener on a date with your hand.
When you did that dirty dance with that palm, when you made a, you know, made a little batch of palm salad.
You know what I'm saying?
Tell us about that.
985-664-9503 is the hotline.
And as always, bless everybody.
Praise God.
What else, man?
We had some great calls that came in and some great videos.
I want to introduce you first, though, to a couple fellas I'm really enamored with.
And you're going to see these fellas right here.
And these fellas have Down syndrome.
And some of you may not believe in Down syndrome.
I'm not here to debate that.
You know, I beat it when I was young.
And they said the doctor in our town, Dr. Henry, he said, I beat it.
And so I've always felt indebted to the DS community.
I've always, you know, when a lot of people that have DS will see me, they know, they, I think they know I'm one of those cusp riders, you know, that I have it in me to be very similar to them.
And if you haven't seen these fellas on TikTok, this is called Get Down with S ⁇ M. And S ⁇ M is a different, it's not like sexual.
This is down centrum cooking.
Let's chime in one time.
Beautiful young men too, and I think they're brothers or cousins, maybe.
You do some chickens cooking.
First of all, some this and you can see the fellas are right here.
They're putting chives or something on a cutlet.
And my God, it's beautiful, man.
They're in a nice kitchen.
If you haven't seen two, and they're Asian fellas too.
A couple little Bobby Lee's.
If you haven't seen a couple DS'd out Bobby Lee's put chives on a cutlet, man.
You're missing out.
And these fellas are beautiful.
And one of them smelled his hand at the end.
And that's nature, baby.
And here's one right here.
Fast and lick bass.
Can you guys find him?
Oh, and they licking the little rudders, they're licking the cake batter spinners.
Remember mom used to have that thing?
She would fold it back and put those two little spinnered little dragon arms in the deal, and then she turn it on.
I don't know what it is.
It's two beaters.
Beaters.
And you can see these fella licking the beaters, man.
A couple beautiful little Bobby Lee's over here licking these beaters.
Couple Stevie Lee's, man.
And these guys are pretty jacked.
Obviously, these guys are on pre-workout or something.
And these guys are beautiful, handsome guys.
And they also have Down syndrome, but they're cooking.
And so it's just beautiful to see what you could do at different, you know, if you have, if you're missing a couple, you know, a little bit of your municipalities, how you could still make hors d'oeuvre or do something beautiful and do a dessert.
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
Oh, yeah.
Lil Danny going in on his beater, man.
He licked that thing about 15 times, baby.
He heavy.
He real tongue heavy.
Oh, Marley is one of them's names.
Sean and Marley.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, he put the whole thing in his mouth at the end.
Oh, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
And that's really, you got to have eight children to be doing that kind of thing at the house, bubble.
But hey, it's real fearless, man.
You know, it's real fearless.
So if you want to see some good cooking with those beautiful guys, Sean and Marley on TikTok, and I ended up in the down center and in the autism cycle, a lot of things that get put into my TikTok, I'm in that algorithm.
So that's where I'm at.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm upstairs, baby.
Praise God, man.
We'll watch one more where they wash their hands.
It really is real cute.
Show me your hand, Sean.
Show him.
Oh, he's mad at it.
He's mad at it.
Oh, he said he needs a hand with the falafel mix, and Sean went to wash his hands.
So they have some miscommunication.
Pucked.
That was the hint.
Yeah, not wash your hands, Sean.
Don't do it.
Okay, beautiful right there, man.
That's awesome.
Good to see that, man.
What else?
We got another video was sent in here.
This is a TikTok, a fight on Spirit Airlines.
Let's go.
Uh-oh.
She's not even working.
She's not even working on my sister.
Nah, don't do that.
She's trying to bring somebody with her.
This is two urban women.
And they like to fight.
You know that.
And they're out here about to get at it.
There they go.
It's lit.
Ooh.
Some fella got in.
A lot of hair pulling.
A lot of ass, a lot of thick ass being...
She did it for her whole charge.
Ooh, ooh.
Ah!
And there you go right there.
And this kind of stuff, I mean, this is the kind of shit it's like, when does it end?
You know?
Why people can't figure out how to be okay in society?
You know?
And this is all too common.
Black people love to fight in kind of like outside the ring, I feel like.
You know, black people are not afraid to fight anywhere.
That's really what I'm saying.
They'll fight wherever.
I think other cultures, Mexican people, they fight more like in a car wash or in a boxing ring.
White people, I think, more fight like in a courtroom or sometimes outdoors, like on a porch.
But Spirit Airlines really has become the bellator of kind of like for the urban community in the sky.
It's become the bellator of the sky.
I think that.
Now, look, I had to fly Spirit one time.
God bless, man.
And I saw two dogs go at it.
Two people had dogs.
I don't know if this was sanctioned or what, but them bitches started throating at each other.
Praise God, man.
So just stay safe out there.
If you don't spirit, I think just wear a jersey, wear an Atlanta Hawks jersey, wear something that kind of blends in, you know.
But know that you could be near a scuffle, I think.
And that's spirit, bro.
Amen.
That's spirit.
We had a lot of people calling with their last words.
Last episode, solo episode.
Excuse me.
We talked about what the last words would be.
You know, if you had that, you know, you want to die somewhere decent so you have some last words and here's some people.
Yo, Theo Vine, this is Benedict from Berlin calling about last week's podcast last words.
Benedict from Berlin, baby, thank you for calling, sir.
In Berlin, man, man, that's really that, You know, Berlin is a good place, I think, to listen to some damn Billy Idol and spray paint a building, baby.
Praise God.
Let's hear more.
I'm a huge Johnny Guitar Watson fan.
So I got to quote his last words, currently last words, in Tokyo, Japan, last show.
He died on stage.
And his last words were, ain't that a bitch?
Amen.
There you go.
Fresh out of Berlin right there, fella hitting us with some last words.
Ain't that a bitch?
I like that.
Ain't that a bitch?
Because it is, man.
You know, life is just, it's just, it's another, it's a bitch after a bitch after a bitch.
Here's a bitch, there's a bitch.
She ever was a bitch, bitch.
It's this bitch, this bitch.
And I'm not talking feminine.
I'm talking just anything, you know.
A dog bites you.
You know, a bad detergent gets sold to you.
You know.
Somebody, you know, somebody whipping weave out on Spirit Airline.
You know, it just, it never ends.
It's bad bitch central out there.
And that's life.
It's really just managing bad bitches.
That's all it is.
So thank you for that.
Ain't that a bitch?
Here's a couple more that came in.
Here's one.
T.O., Gang, Gang.
This is your boy Bamboo from Connecticut.
Bamboo.
And that's a very, that's a taut wood, baby.
You know?
Something like teak is more malleable.
But bamboo out of Connecticut.
And you obviously, your family's got to be either real rich or real poor to name their child after Asian forest wood, I think.
Good to hear from you, Boo.
I was just calling about the whole last words deal.
I know Riley Mao was struggling trying to figure out his last words.
Riley Mao struggles to figure out his first words.
You know, the fella, it's tough to see that Asian community is really kind of, they're sputtering.
It's all, you know, everybody's sputtering.
Well, really, I think I speak for a lot of us out there.
I would say my last words would be, delete my browser history, you know?
Trying to have my memory attacked as I fade out.
You know what I mean?
Thank you, Bubby.
Gang.
Gang, baby, you're right.
The last thing I want them to see is, you know, the naughty things that I've Googled or looked for.
You know, and it's sad, man.
I mean, I got the blockers on my phone for the pornography, but I find a loophole through Twitter.
So I'm out there sometime on, you know, Perv City and Perv Support.
And it just, oh, man, the shame, the shame, the shame.
The depletion.
Just blowing your little, you know, just blowing your nut nose into a little handkerchief or into a damn and just washing it down the drain.
Dear God.
Anyway, bamboo, I hope you're doing well out there, brother.
I hope you're doing well, bamboo.
Oh, my neighbor has a dog named Bamboo as well.
So cool to hear it.
Cool to hear the name again.
I like hearing it.
Bamboo.
All right, let's hear another one that came in.
Here we go.
Hey, what's up, CO?
This is Ryan down in South Georgia.
Down in Sojo, huh?
South Georgia, baby.
And it gets a little rural out there.
It gets a little interesting.
You head down towards Jacksonville.
You know, you see a lot of people down there.
You're getting a little rural.
A lot of people, you know, limited alphabet.
You'll see a 20-letter alphabet down there.
Like, damn.
You know, you show up with a W, they don't know what you're talking about.
You show up with an R, they shocked.
Let's hear more.
Colin about what would my last words be?
Yeah, you probably have to play on to the timing, but I'd probably say, like, I hid the zillion dollars.
And that's it.
I'm out, cold.
The whole family just left.
Like, dang, where's this money at?
Okay, so you give half a clue.
I hid the million.
I hid this, you know.
Your real father is.
That would be a good one.
If you had children, stunt them a little.
Your real father.
You know.
I was molested by the postman, something like that.
Give a clue to something.
I like that.
It's interesting.
I hid the million, though.
Now, if you have a structure of a life where your family's going to believe that.
But if you're living in a four-door sedan, you know, and you accidentally park in a garage and you keep the thing on and the gas gets you and you're lunged out on that carbon dioxide.
If you're dying from carbon monoxide, man, and you tell your kid I hit the million dollars, you're like, you're a fucking deadbeat.
The kid's not going to fully believe you.
So you need believability.
That's what that one's missing.
Let's hear another one, the last one.
Here we go.
Thank you for these as well.
What up, Theo?
This is Bo.
Calling in about my last words.
I think if I'm being realistic, this probably's just going to be fucked, you know, on my way out as I get stabbed or shot.
You know, everyone's going to just throw out a fuck.
And then you're lucky if you get something else out after that.
I don't know.
What do you think?
Gang, baby, you know, that's interesting because sex is what got us into the world.
And I would bet you're right.
I bet eight out of ten times the last word is fuck.
Or F-U-C-K.
I don't want to say it that much, but F-U-C-K.
And you know what I'm saying?
Fuck.
So that's what the irony of it all.
It took somebody doing sex to even get you to exist.
And now you're on your way out and that's the last thing you're saying.
It's full circle, baby.
It's a dirty roundabout.
It's that ankle.
You flow in, you flow out.
Being alive.
We got a beautiful single mom nomination we're going to get to in just a second.
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Thank you for supporting this podcast.
Also, you know, if you need help, there's not always a way to get it near you.
You know, I called, the other day I finally called a friend and said, hey, I need some help.
I need some help.
And man, it brought tears to my eyes even saying it.
Just saying it, voicing that into the world.
I need help.
Well, BetterHelp is there.
That's right.
BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.
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BetterHelp wants you to start living a happier life today.
Visit betterhelp.com slash Theo.
That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P and join the over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional.
In fact, so many people have been using BetterHelp.
They're recruiting additional counselors in all 50 states.
Wow.
This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, and this past weekend listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Theo.
I want to let you know that a lot of shows on sale, you can get tickets, theovon.com slash tour.
I think we might rock with a return of the rat, baby.
That's the tour name I'm thinking of.
And that feels kind of good.
And the rat is always returning.
You know it.
And you know, if you want a dose, if you want to set some cheese in the yard, baby, you know, I'll be there.
And you know where to find me.
I'm upstairs.
Gang.
Always, we want to do something nice for a single mom.
I want to thank our Patreon supporters as well.
We have a very small Patreon, but we are very mighty.
And I just feel grateful to be part of a process of just trying to think of somebody different than myself.
And we got this nomination video came in right here.
Hey, Theo, this is Remy.
I'm calling you from Ottawa, Canada.
Remy up there, Canadian.
And Remy, I'm not sure if that's just part of a name or not.
Maybe Jeremy.
And I don't know what the exchange rate is on names, but hell, I'll spot you at J-E-R, buddy, if you need one.
That's what we do down here.
Bye-bye.
Onward.
I want to nominate my friend Louise, who's a single mom living in Slocan Valley, British Columbia.
She's got four kids.
two of them have autism one You know, and I'm not saying that judgmentally.
Thank you for saying that.
But everybody has it now.
I swear, you know, you can't even meet it.
You couldn't find nine people that don't have autism if I give you probably 14 minutes onward, Bubba.
Thank you.
And she just pours everything into these kids, man.
She's been homeschooling them since before the pandemic.
She puts so much work into making sure they're eating healthy and staying active.
And it's just been hard the last year kind of watching her struggle with the isolation of the pandemic.
And we all are kind of struggling with depression right now, but it's just been so hard watching someone who works so hard to make the life of her kids happy, you know, also kind of feel sad and kind of isolated.
So I think I don't know anyone who would deserve the chance to just treat herself and do something fun with her kids.
So, yeah, man.
You're the best.
Gang, gang.
Gang, brother.
Thank you, man.
That's really sweet of you.
And everybody is having some effects from this pandemic, from the isolation.
That's really the big thing.
More people are...
But let's give a call to her.
Let me see if he said her name.
Hey, Theo, this is Remy.
I'm calling you from Ottawa, Canada.
I want to nominate my friend Louise.
Louise?
And I'm from Louisiana, so that's a perfect mix right there, man.
Yeah, let's see if we can't give a call to Louise right now.
Hey, Louise.
Hi.
Hey, how are you?
I'm good.
How are you?
Good.
I'm not a creep or anything.
I just am calling.
I work at a podcast.
My name is Theo.
And I work at a podcast.
And every so often we do, we have people will submit a friend or someone they know who's a single mom.
We do something for single moms.
It's kind of nice.
And you have a friend named Remy who I think just thinks that you're just a special gal and really admires you.
So he submitted you for a single mom nomination.
Yeah, he told me it was a surprise.
He's been very cryptic about this.
Well, we are a cryptic bunch here at this podcast.
I will say that.
So that's pretty normal.
But he just said he really admires you.
You know, he said that you have, he said you do homeschooling.
You have four children.
You guys homeschooled up there?
Yeah, I'm in BC, southern BC, and I homeschool my four kids.
And we have sheep and ducks.
And we're pretty kind of living off the, we're just kind of wild, wild people.
Yeah.
That sounds pretty cool.
I bet the kids love being around the animals, huh?
Yeah, like, yeah, not as much as I had hoped.
I only just got sheep.
We have always had dogs.
I have an acreage.
So the intention was when I bought it years ago that we would, well, I thought I would do more farming, but then I kind of did the whole kid thing.
And now I do sort of an unschooled homeschooling.
So we don't do any like set classes per se.
They just sort of run wild, but in like a healthy, awesome way.
Yeah.
Wow, that sounds awesome.
I live in Nashville and I'm in Nashville right now.
Okay.
So we just operate out of Nashville and out of Los Angeles.
But yeah, sometimes it almost sounds like summer camp.
Does it feel like that a little bit?
Yeah, it totally does.
People come and hang out and they're sort of like they're like on holiday.
And my kids are like, but this is every day, isn't it?
They're pretty much barefoot all the time and they just dig in the woods.
And it's so interesting because my daughter's almost 13. And so she has friends, her one very close friends in Toronto, her cousin, and she goes to an academic, very academic private school.
And they hang out in the summer.
And, you know, you wouldn't know one has gone to like through the whole super academic in how they converse or how they talk.
I mean, they know different things, sure, but my daughter knows things that she doesn't know, and she knows things that my daughter doesn't know, but neither feel like they know less or more, you know, like they don't know anything compared to the other.
Right.
It's fascinating.
Yeah, that sounds pretty fascinating.
It's almost like an experiment in some ways.
That's what Remy told me.
I prefer his PhD, and I was like, man, I always wanted to do more, but, you know, this is what I'm doing now.
And he's like, you're living the experiment.
Yeah, it sounds pretty magical, I think.
They must be really proud of you.
It must be really, does it feel kind of empowering or does it feel exhausting to have to be like the teacher and the mom and everything kind of?
No, I would say empowering.
I mean, sometimes it's a lot sometimes, but it's a lot, I would say, in a good way, especially as they get older and you can really see the things that I had hoped would happen are happening.
You know, when they're toddlers and you're like, God, I hope this is going to work out.
Like, no, and all these other people are doing different things and they're like, oh no, that's totally going to be sad.
Because my kids don't, they didn't learn to read early.
And my daughter, as I say, now she's 13 and she's reading, you know, all the big, thick, you know, teen books, whatever, from the libraries and everything.
But she didn't learn to read until she was 10. And the people that were just breathing on my learn to read.
And I was like, no, I've done my research and this is going to work.
And she does.
She reads perfectly.
She reads brilliantly.
And she has no baggage about that she didn't learn to read when she was six or five or four or anything.
And so it's empowering when it works.
It's kind of a little bit scary when you're doing it and you're like, well, I hope this is going to work.
Yeah, I bet.
Dang, that's cool, though.
I'm glad to see.
I'm glad to hear that it's working out.
It really sounds like, yeah, it sounds like fun.
It is, but you know, it is.
I feel like to really embrace it, you have to be pretty, just have fun with them.
Like, I kind of just, they just kind of do what they want.
I'm not relaxed.
Like, and we live near a river, so we go swimming all the time.
Like, we walk over to the river and we swim.
And I know my kids think I'm really casual because they don't wear life jackets and they can all swim and they're swimming the current.
It's a strong current.
I mean, it's not wide, but it's, but the other day, my one son, he's eight and he wasn't paying attention and he just got swept a bit farther down.
And then I was like, get in.
And his sister pulled him in.
And it was, like, it was fun.
I would have gone and got him, but he sort of was then horrified that I kind of like actually came down on him.
Because most of the time I don't.
Like, I don't get that.
I live by a philosophy of we have very few rules, but the rules we have are absolute.
You know, you don't ever, but pretty much everything else, you know, we're, you can bend on most things.
I don't force many things.
But it was kind of a wake-up call.
And then I think he maybe was a little bit more aware that I'm not actually as casual as I appeared about.
I think, well, I think some people, you know, they're overprotective.
Well, yeah.
It's a podcast.
Can you take Libby?
He's talking to me.
Like, I'm on a podcast.
Hey, what's up?
Okay, hi.
Nope.
Rebecca, can you take Libby?
No, I can't.
Okay, hang on.
I gotta walk here.
No worries.
It's like a podcast guy.
He's talking to me.
Where do y'all live at?
Like, what is it like up there?
This isn't actually our home.
We're at a Friends right now because we live in...
We live in the Kootenays in BC, British Columbia.
But we're actually on our way to a family cottage in Ontario on the Great Lakes.
Dude, you guys are going to have a blast.
That's cool.
We're in transit right now.
So you kind of caught us at a funny time, but we're actually paused for the day to take a break before we go on.
Thanks, Monk.
I don't know why.
So we're at a friend's house for the day, but their house is actually, we've never been here before, but it's surprisingly similar to ours.
Well, it's a small world.
Well, we just wanted to share with you that Remy was thinking about you and that we were thinking about you.
We try to do something nice to support single moms just because we just think it's, you know, it's just such a, it's a neat position.
And so we wanted to send you a thousand bucks.
It's just U.S. dollars.
I don't know if they're worth anything.
But we seriously?
Yeah, we just wanted to send it to you so you could just go do something fun with the kiddos.
Oh my God.
Really?
Wow.
Yep.
And that's it.
There's no strings attached.
That's amazing.
And oh, and Remy, I'm supposed to be telling you that Remy has a surprise for you because I tan sheepskins and he's going to send you a sheepskin from me.
Or I'm using a sheepskin from him.
Y'all got some fresh sheep?
I have some, yeah, I have sheep, and so that will kind of be in the fall.
Okay.
Oh, I look forward to that.
We would like to have a little bit of sheep in here.
Yeah, well, sheepskin is the best.
It's healthy, and it keeps you cool in the summer and hot in the winter.
Oh, I'll eat off of it if it's nice.
I mean, off the inside.
I'm not eating off the hairy side.
But anyway, yeah, we just wanted to let you know that we were thinking about you.
We're just always trying to just be a part of, I don't know, we're just trying to be a part of people's lives if we can in just kind of like a simple way here and there.
And so that's it.
We just wanted to let you know that Remy was thinking about you and now all of our audience will be thinking about you.
And it's really interesting to hear that there's kind of this wild little family out there that's just figuring it out in the world.
It's really, I don't know.
It sounds exciting.
It is exciting.
And they're pretty awesome kids.
They are the most polite when you meet them.
Not so much at home, but they got to figure it out.
They're pretty cool.
Well, I bet they're proud of you and we are.
So thank you so much for your time today.
And I hope you'll have a good day.
Yeah, thank you.
Okay, Louise, y'all be safe in y'all's travels.
Okay, thank you.
Okay, bye-bye.
Bye.
Wow.
What a fascinating time.
You know, what a fascinating thing to be like almost.
We were just talking about Smith Family Robinson.
And here they are.
You know.
Just interesting.
That people are doing it.
People are figuring out ways.
You know, people are figuring out ways to manage humans and sheep at the same time.
And that's remarkable.
And it's inspiring, you know, really listening to her and just seeing kind of her little world there is inspiring.
It's interesting.
You know, I think, and those are the things that I have to remember that are going on.
That people are just getting things done.
And that there's a lot of cool, good stuff happening out in the world.
And we have a photo here of her kids.
It's really, really adorable.
I think we can get it into the episode as well.
So if you're watching on the YouTubes, you can see it.
And they're doing well, living beautifully out there in the middle of nowhere, it looks like.
I don't know nowhere, but I mean, it's Canada, you know, so it's, I mean, who knows if it's real?
I think you almost have to be, you know, you have to take a flight out of your dreams almost, I feel like, to get there to some of these places.
But anyhow, Remy, thank you so much for the submission.
And thank you to everybody for supporting the podcast.
I got to get out of here.
I'm going to get some NAD in my arm.
I've got this new, they have a new supplement type of thing.
It's not drug.
I mean, it's a natural chemical, which is an oxymoron of a statement right there, natural chemical.
But I mean, it's Lysol.
That's what I'm saying.
It's ivermectin.
It's, who knows what it is?
I don't know what it is, but I'm about to let them shoot it in my arm for an hour.
But anyway, just wanted to say thank you guys for the support.
Thank you guys for being a part of this past weekend.
And I hope you'll be good to yourselves because you deserve it.
We'll go out the way that we came in, man.
Listening to a little bit of Bishop Gun.
And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been blown.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.
I found I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time For me to set that parking brake And let myself unwind Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song
I will sing it just for you And I will find a song I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my past.
And these wheels that I've been riding on, they're warned so thin that they're damn near gone.
I guess now they just weren't built to land.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Please, Dale.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Charmaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Whoa!
I think Tom Hanks just buttiled me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube.
