Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ This Past Weekend’s first ever in studio guest (besides Uneven Steven) Jay Mohr returns to the podcast to talk about how coaching wrestling has helped him, nearly being raped by a dolphin, Norm MacDonald, and the NBA’s China controversy. Jay Mohr Upcoming Dates https://www.jaymohr.com/live-dates October 25 - 27th: Addison Improv November 1 - 3rd: Houston Improv November 7 - 9th: Tampa Side Splitters https://jaymohr.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This episode brought to you by Candid Visit https://CandidCO.com/THEO and use code THEO to get $75 off MyBookie Visity https://MyBookie.ag and use code THEO to double your first deposit ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alex Wang Alexa harvey Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Annmarie Reilly Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brandon Woolsey Christopher Becking Claire Tinkler Cody Anderson Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dan Draper Dan Perdue Danny Crook David Christopher David Witkowski Dentist the menace Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Doug C Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeffrey Lusero Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kaylyn Dudich Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kirk Cahill Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields Madeline Matthews Mandy Picke'l Marisa Bruno Matt Nichols Meaghan Lewis Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Roma Noah Bissell NYCWendy1 OK Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Robyn Tatu Rohail Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Sean Scott Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Vanessa Amaya Victor I tuck back and sit down to pee Johnson II Vince Gonsalves Vlog Master William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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He'll be appearing at the Addison Improv this weekend in Addison, Texas, next weekend at the Houston Improv, and the week after at Side Splitters in Tampa, Florida.
He is from countless movies.
He's sports shows.
You know, he's my brother in a lot of struggles.
And he was our first guest.
And I'm happy to have him back here.
Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, Mr. Jay Moore.
Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my story Shine that light on me Shine that light on me.
I'll split and tell you my stories.
You will be doing fine.
You will always be doing fine.
Yeah.
You will always, like, when I just came in, you were like, I said it's a jungle out there.
And you're like, there's some just, it's just dirty dogs.
Yeah.
And I'm like, but we're always going to win because we're the champion dogs.
Yeah.
And I was telling you about like, I didn't tell you that.
There's dirty dogs out there.
But we're always going to beat them.
Yeah.
Because we're game.
Yeah.
Dog fights are always.
I told you I was going to tell you this.
The perception of dog fights in the United States is so misconstrued because of Michael Vick like shooting a dog and electrocuting it and throwing it in a pool and putting it in a fucking headlock and putting it.
He did all of that, really?
Oh, yeah.
I didn't read all of that.
I read the first job.
They just abused the dogs.
And people in the United States that have dog fights, they're not good to the dogs.
But if you go to places where it's legal, like the Philippines or Brazil.
Oh, yeah.
The champions.
The dog feeds a town.
He's Muhammad Ali.
Yeah.
So you can't mistreat it.
Like the dog has to cut weight.
Right.
It's got to eat the most spectacular food.
It sleeps with its handler.
If two pit bulls are fighting and you go to break them up, it's going to bite your hand unless it knows you and loves you so much, it would never bite your hand.
So you can't mistreat the dog.
It would bite you, right?
Yeah.
So people think they fight to the death.
They don't.
What happened in a dog fight, this is from Sam Sheridan's book, Fighter's Heart.
They let the dogs go, they fight for a few seconds, they pull them apart, they make the bets.
They let the dogs go, they fight for a few seconds, they pull them apart, they bet.
This goes on for three hours.
Wow.
It's like a mating dance almost.
It keeps going and going, like five hours, six hours, until one dog doesn't come out.
The other dog keeps coming out because he's game.
That's the dog that wins the dogfight, the one that just keeps coming.
You lose a dogfight by going, ready, go.
As soon as that dog pauses, it's over.
So finally one dog's just like, I'm killing.
I'm done.
I'm not so strong.
And the owners are like, go, go, go, go.
But it's over.
So like, it's called gameness.
Wow.
A dog that's game is always going to win.
Sometimes they'll die because they're too game.
They don't know they're losing.
They just keep coming out.
They're just too game.
They just keep coming out.
They just keep coming.
And a good dog handler will take his dog out because he knows the dog will never stop.
But you and I, we're game.
Yeah.
We have gameness.
That's all we know.
You just keep coming out.
It's going to be fine.
That's true, man.
You're going to win.
Yeah, I'm almost shoulders first a lot of times.
I'm just going forward.
Right.
You know?
It's like, yeah, I'll just keep going right back into the fire.
People are like, dude, you have Vaseline all over you.
We're just in there.
They're like, I got to go back in there, man.
It's an illegal substance, man.
Yeah.
I think I left something in there.
Dude, and yeah, I can't believe that's a beautiful thing.
In Philippines, you go there and they got a dog probably sleeping on like a, you know.
They sleep with the owner.
Oh, geez.
They sleep with the handler.
That's fucking unfortunate.
That's sad, but.
No, no, no.
Why is that sad?
I mean, I just think it's...
Yeah, I guess you'd probably want to keep it with you all night then.
Look, when that, they have to.
They make sure no one messes with it.
They feed it like Kobe beef and lean profit.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
They don't get dog food.
They're prize fighters.
They're actual prize fighters.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, you wouldn't fucking just feed Vander Holyfield Graham Crackers, you know?
That'd be insane, bro.
Hey, I got you some saltines, real deal.
You want some potato salad and saltines, man?
Saltines.
Ritz craft.
What'd you say?
What did you say, Graham Crackers?
Graham Crackers, man.
I didn't know I tried the top.
It was perfect.
Yeah.
No, Saltine is fun to watch, though, because he has kind of a darker complexion.
And seeing a Saltine go into his mouth is more of a...
Yeah, it's more of a, yeah, more of a unique look.
What's going on, man?
Good to see you, bro.
How's the wrestling going?
How's coaching going?
It's my favorite thing in my life.
You look jacked, kind of.
I'm doing good.
I wrestle every day.
Do you?
I'm not going to tell a kid to do something I'm not doing.
Yeah.
Because the way we were coached doesn't work.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah, like in high school, 84 to 88, and then college for briefly, 89, actually 88 still.
Where did you fight indoors or outdoors mostly?
It was in the gym.
It was like, you know, you just roll the wrestling mats out in the gym, in the wrestling room at Rockers.
Oh, yeah.
And it's like coaches go, my way or the highway.
You say that now.
It's going to be a real packed highway.
Though these kids will go, oh, really?
Yeah, they got their phones.
They got their apps.
I mean, they're getting laid.
Wow.
Like, we didn't have any life when we were in high school.
I didn't.
Oh, no, especially wrestling.
Those kids were just beating the acne off of each other, it looked like.
And it's year-round now, too.
So it's like you're with these kids for four years, 12 months of the year, like three, two hours a day, three hours a day.
Then you see them on weekends on a tournament.
It takes like 10 hours all day.
They'll get sick of you really quick if you're like my way or the highway.
Basically, I just coach the way I wish I was coached.
Oh, wow.
I just try to communicate with them, tell them I love them.
That's cool, man.
But yeah, I'm not going to go like, do this, throw the front head lock, and I'd rather just show them.
Can they do, what are some of the new moves people are doing out there?
Like, what's kind of like the new, is there some.
No, there's no like new moves.
It gets a little like, we call it funk.
Every once in a while, there's some funk, like this new like thing where you do a weird, and it's just, it all circles back to the, it's, you know, single leg, double leg, front head lock, spin behind, get you two points, half Nelson, one-on-one armbar.
It's all, you know, cradle, cradle, cradle.
It's all the same shit.
That's crazy, man.
A lot of strategy, huh?
It's kind of like high-speed chess.
Yeah.
And like the sooner you can get thinking out of their heads, the better they'll be.
Like, you want them to sense.
Like, if I'm on bottom and a guy's on top, I can sense he's too high and I can roll him.
But I'm not like, okay, if he gets too high, you can't.
You're Death by thought.
You can't be out there with like a yardstick, you know, trying to figure out where the guy is.
If he gets too high on his ride, I shall roll him.
Now, is it homoerotic out there?
Do you see a lot of young, is it like a lot of, do you have any transgender wrestlers or anything like that with you?
No, we got girls in the room now.
That's very popular.
I love it.
Is it?
Yeah, I love it because they're never going to get assaulted in college.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
Like, you got a 14, 15-year-old girl in the wrestling room, and you realize every day you're keeping her, like you're teaching her and keeping her from being sexually assaulted.
Yeah.
Some guy in college is going to be drunk and try to put her on a mattress and she's just going to be like, later.
Put the rear choke in naked.
That's great.
You could be fully naked and fucking choke somebody out too.
Yeah.
You know why I love it, actually, Theo, the most?
Because, like, I'm an addict.
Everything's an addiction to me.
Like, fishing.
I make fishing an addiction.
Yeah.
I don't know what one of anything is, but part of being an addict is I like to give with conditions.
So if I send you like a thank you note, I think I might have told you this before.
A couple weeks go by, I'm like, well, I didn't hear anything from Theo about the thank you notes.
Then I start building a little resentment.
Like, what's with Theo?
He can't even thank me for sending him a nice note.
That's not why you send somebody something.
Right.
So in wrestling, in the wrestling room coaching, it's the only time I'm selfless because they can't give me anything back.
They can't give me anything back except feeling good about themselves.
Yeah.
I found a room two hours a day where I'm selfless.
And I get nothing from it except a kid going, oh, wow.
Like I am better than I thought.
And it makes me cry.
Like I drive home sometimes with tears in my eyes.
That's cool, man.
Good for you, dude.
Good for you.
Good for you.
I'll get you in there.
Just say you're my son.
Yeah, to say tall, troubled, disabled.
I got like three kids in there with mustaches.
It's a charter school.
I got Mexicans.
I got kids coming in from South Central.
I got Johnny Z got a mustache.
Caesar got a mustache.
Little Anthony's got a mustache.
Little Anthony always has a mustache.
I love Little Anthony.
Any city you go to, Little Anthony has a mustache.
Even if he fucking was snuck into his fucking stepdad's room and cut part of his beard off and used honey to fucking put it up above his lip.
Little Anthony's brand new.
He's like 105 pounds.
He's a freshman.
He talks like Luis Guzman.
He's like, listen, where do I get wrestling shoes?
Papa, listen, what?
He didn't fuck Poppy up.
He's like, where do I get wrestling shoes?
Like, because I'm wrestling on socks with the ladies.
And is there any guys, do they have any finishing moves?
Do they dance after or anything like that?
Has he gotten to that point yet with wrestling?
No, it's really just, you know, you can't like dance and shit like that.
It's still mano-y mano, huh?
Mano-mano.
When you're done, you know, you shake the other kid's hand, you shake the other coach's hand.
Wow.
The other kid comes over and shakes your hand.
You can wave to the coach or whatever.
Some kids are bent out of shape about it.
That's awesome.
Witch all's team name, the Panthers or what is it?
The Dolphins.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Really?
Palisades.
Yeah.
There's a school chant like, everywhere we go, people want to know who we are.
So we tell them every day.
It makes me laugh.
We are the Dolphins, mighty, mighty dolphins.
And I'm like, really?
We can't change that to Pally Wrestling?
Yeah.
Pally Wrestling, Pally, Pally Wrestling.
Mighty, mighty.
Because the Dolphins, not.
Yeah, a lot of Dolphins and Dolphins get caught in a little net.
A dolphin's a gay shark.
Yeah.
A shark is a straight, you know, a dolphin just like, hey, woohoo!
Blow hole.
Dude, if they pull, if a cop pulled a dolphin over, dude, I bet it would have a bunch of fucking nuts inside of it, a bunch of man's nuts.
You know, I wouldn't be shocked is what I'm saying overall.
Yeah, man, that's wild.
Dude, I'm so, I'm so, I'm so jealous in a way.
I'm so, it's awesome that you found that thing that, that, that you have that place to be selfless, man.
Two years ago, I just did it two years ago.
Dolphins are dangerous animals that could rape and kill your baby.
Yeah, if I put my baby in the fucking ocean.
Yeah, dude.
One of these nitwits out there with that, you know, trying to get the, you know, that saltwater baby, trying to part its hair with a fucking water wave.
These people are out of their minds, man.
But that's Palisades, dude.
No, no.
There's some soft batch up there, is there?
Or is there some tough cats up there?
No, we're tough.
Yeah.
We brawl.
Yeah, I like that.
We brawl.
We're brawlers.
Okay.
We got a room in brawlers.
Yeah, I want to come cheer them home.
I'll let you know.
I think we have one home duel match this year.
Yeah.
We wrestled Birmingham High last year.
They have 100 kids.
It's in the Valley.
They got 100 kids in the wrestling room.
100.
They have a B team before junior varsity.
They have two different varsities, a B team, and then they have JV.
100 kids in a wrestling room.
That's more than there is in a football team.
And we lost by six points.
Like we brought it next year.
With freshmen and sophomores.
It's great.
Oh, we play them this year.
It'd be great.
Is it crazy to see, like, when you're looking back at these children and a lot of them, because a lot of children go through puberty at that time, you know?
Yeah, all of them do.
It's got to be crazy, huh?
All children do.
Yeah, all of them.
Some of them.
Well, some of them.
Somebody graduates in a onesie.
I remember a couple of kids from our school that I think never hit it.
Were they hit it early?
No, these guys never hit it.
A couple young fella.
One dude works at the CVS now over there where I used to live, but he fucking is still swinging for it, bro.
Never hit it.
I don't know what that's called.
What's it called when you don't hit puberty, Nick?
That's okay.
Purbity.
Purbity?
You know, I ever swim with dolphins?
Have I?
Probably.
I don't know.
I've been in the water.
Do I mean on purpose?
Like you go to a place, you go to a dolphin encounter?
No.
I did it once, and I, like, it didn't go well.
God, damn, really?
What happened?
I brought my mom to the Bahamas.
Oh, dude, you don't bring your mom to a dolphin encounter.
No, it's great because she's like that old saying.
We knew she had Alzheimer's, so I just took her before she was getting bad.
Oh, yeah.
Tell her it's Alaska, huh?
Yeah.
Climate change, man.
I don't know.
So we go in the water, and there's like this 11-minute video they show you, a safety video, but it's a fucking dolphin.
So I just took a nap, and then I'm in the water, and I'm like, what could go wrong?
It's a dolphin.
I'll tell you.
So my mom, they go, Jeannie, Jeannie, you get Dotty.
And like this beautiful dolphin comes out.
It's like a beaded curtain.
It's like price is right.
Like Dotty.
And my mom and this dolphin are like, oh my God, you're so precious.
Look at, like, they went to high school together, like, oh my God.
And they're like, you get chipper.
Like, the fucking bullpen doors at Yankee Stadium open, and they play Enter Sandman by Metallica.
And there's a wall of water coming at me.
And he's just like, brang coming at me.
I'm like, I'm going to get cut in half by a dolphin's head.
I'm like, he's just, I was scared.
He's like, coming right at me.
Hits the brakes.
Wow.
Rolls on his back.
And he's floating on his back across me with a look on his face like, you got it.
I'm all right, man.
So I'm like, okay, cool.
But he's got like a little patch of white.
He's gray, but a patch of white, like chest hair.
And I'm just kind of like, they go, you can touch him.
I'm rubbing his chest.
And what's his body like, soft or what is it?
It's real soft.
I mean, it's like a kind of a real hard, spongy, you know, it's what you, I can't explain it, but it's exactly what you think it would feel like.
I don't know what that is, though.
I feel like it would be hard, hard, hard, like a car.
Well, yeah, but there's some give to it.
It's like the hard foam at a water park in the tubes.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
So I'm petting his chest, and he's like scooching by.
And what it said in the video that I slept through was never ever under any circumstances touch any of the dolphins below the belly buttons.
But he's going this way and I'm petting his chest, a little lower in his chest.
So I don't even realize that I'm like jerking off a dolphin.
Oh, this is like a massage parlor, dude.
I'm like right at his face.
It's like off of Westwood Boulevard.
Yeah, like nothing came out, but he just goes and he like flips out and he starts hitting me in the ribs with his head in my life vest.
Like dang, dang.
I'm like, what's he doing?
I know what he's doing.
Is it powerful hitting or is it light hitting?
It's like I don't belong with this aquatic mammal.
Like I'm a visitor.
Okay.
Like bang, bang.
And I know what he was doing.
Now I know what he was doing.
He's trying to get me in the middle of the lagoon where nobody could help me.
Oh, wow.
Then he goes underwater, disappears.
My mom and daddy are playing like fucking Mahjong.
Yeah.
And I'm like, what's with this guy?
Where's Chipper?
Like, treat me like a tourist.
And then I feel like him in my back.
And I shouldn't know what a dolphin's dick feels like.
I shouldn't.
No, you shouldn't.
Never seen one.
I've been down some rabbit holes on Pornhub.
Yeah, yeah.
I've seen guys holding their pregnant wives' head, getting trained by brothers.
Oh, man.
I've seen fucking everything you could think of.
Oh, man.
Never seen a dolphin's dick.
Never seen a photo.
National Geographic, slideshow, science.
Oh, I couldn't pick one out of a dick lineup right now.
But let me tell you something.
When it's against your body, you know.
Really?
It's the aggression.
Like, he was aggressive.
And there's a space between my life vest and my back.
Oh, yeah.
Because it was too big.
And that's where he got his dick against my back between the life vest.
How much dick is in a dolphin?
Too much.
Yeah.
Way too much.
Like, it's up my back, and his head's like here, and I don't know if...
How long?
I couldn't imagine it even being that long.
And I don't want to see it, Nick.
Really long.
Don't put it up there.
And I don't know how to yell like.
I mean really long.
Does it feel like a long finger?
Does it feel like a wiener?
Like a mini.
It was.
It still freaks.
You just, I knew what it was.
Why were you wearing a big...
Well, vacation, they're either too small, you throw them to the side.
No life vest on vacation fits you.
Or they're XXLs and they float up here.
They're like, okay, meet up things.
Like if I'm on a life vest that's too big, I'm looking to meet somebody, you know?
Good to know, hopefully.
Yeah, that's crazy, bro.
So I don't know how to yell like, hey, your dolphins.
Because the guys are like up on these rocks.
Your dolphin's dick is stuck between my life vest and my back because I jerked him off and he thinks it's my pussy.
So I just floated there and I start yelling, dolphin cock.
Dolphin.
I swear, the guy turns to me and he goes, dolphins rock.
You know it, buddy.
I'm like, no, no, it's not what I'm saying.
Dolphin cock, dolphin cock.
And then, so I'm completely alone.
And they give you an 8x10 photo for free of your counter.
Really?
So like, my mom, as bad as her Alzheimer's got, she'd be like, who are you?
I'm like, I'm JJ.
I'm your son.
Who's the man in the kitchen?
That's John.
That's your husband.
She'd go, did I ever show you the picture of my friend Dottie?
And right next to it, you could see me sort of with all the whitewash, but he's up over my head, my life vest over my head like a hockey jersey in a fight.
God, man, it sounds like that Stanford rape case a little bit.
It was rapey.
No, it was straight up.
A dolphin tried to fuck me.
Dude, imagine what he's telling his buddies right now.
He's like, hey, I fucked that comedian guy was down here the other day.
You think he's funny?
I fuck from Little Henry or whatever.
His jokes didn't keep me from fucking him.
Imagine if he hit my asshole, I would have died.
We are the dolphins, the rapey rapey dolphins.
Man.
Not going through puberty is called Kalman syndrome, just to put it in.
There we go.
Darren Coleman, actually, I think was the boy's name, actually.
Marteon, actually.
They named it after him.
Yeah, man, that's crazy.
Not going through puberty.
What does it say about it?
It's just one in 10,000 men have it.
Wow.
That's high, right?
Yeah.
Okay, good.
We only have 4,000 in our town, so this guy was like a real entrepreneur, I guess.
How did he monetize not going through puberty?
Oh, I don't know, dude.
I think he probably, well, you know, a lot of these men will go back to school even after they've graduated to meet younger girls.
And like, you have a lot of cases of that kind of stuff.
All right.
Playing Little League World Series.
Yep.
Oh, I'd go back.
I'd be outside linebacker and just crush.
Yeah, dude, you could do it.
Oh.
You could do it, dude.
Paint your skin brown and get back there.
Go back to high school and just wrestle like 180.
Dude, go to a small townhouse.
Some of the people in high school are 30, 40 years old.
You could fucking easily get in there.
Because they're dumb?
Just because the laws are different, you know?
No, no.
You have to graduate school.
The only way to stick around is if you don't get out.
Dude, we had a guy, this guy, Mr. Larry, that was in our class, and that dude had to be, his big trick was it was an urban gentleman.
He could come in the bathroom, piss over your back into the urinal you were using.
That means he had a boner.
Oh, what do you have?
Yeah, I gotta have a bone.
You have to have one to shoot a piss over there.
He was a champ, brother, this guy.
But he was at the school for so long.
He was in, I think, fifth or sixth grade for so long.
And finally that it's like, you know, you work here.
He got a job as a janitorial.
So how old was Mr. Larry that you know of in high school?
Like, what was the oldest that you can recount?
I'd go, and this was middle school.
I'd be go 18. Was he special?
Like, was he slow?
No, he was fast, fast, fast.
No, I mean, his brain was like, oh, middle.
Sling blade?
Some folks call it like Kaiser Blade.
No, I think he just didn't care that much.
Or I don't think he cared at all.
I think he showed up.
He was 16 in seventh grade.
But he was timely.
He showed up for school every day, but he also didn't care once he got there.
Now, most people will not show up.
Yeah.
But he was very, you know, he was on time.
He didn't give a fuck.
Did he get laid?
No, not really.
He didn't have that grade of hair and stuff.
I don't know.
Also, I didn't hang out with him outside of school.
And I was a fucking, you know, I was 13 years old, so I don't even know.
He was an urban gentleman.
From what I remember, you know.
And also, you know, the world was in a different font back then.
There wasn't as many colors back then.
That's correct.
You know, it was more, it was just Roy G. Biv, man.
I'm going to, I want to get my dates in here before I forget.
Yeah.
He just sold out in Tempe this weekend.
I saw that.
It was saucy.
I haven't been there in so long.
I loved it so much.
I'm doing Addison improv this weekend.
Oh, I love that place.
In Dallas.
I love that place.
Keep the dates written down over there, sweetie.
Yeah, Nick's got them, huh?
Okay, here we go.
Fired.
People go like, hey, you're coming to my town.
I have like a 48-hour calendar in my head.
Anything past that, I have no idea.
People are like, hey, you're coming to my town in three weeks.
I'm like, I guess.
You're like, I guess.
And meanwhile, you're in the town.
Oh, wow.
You got a lot of dates, man.
You got Tempe Improv, October 18th.
So that's done.
Oh, that's done.
Addison Improv 25, 26, 27. Houston improv, November 1st through 3rd.
And then Tampa, Florida Side Splitters, November 7th through 9th.
And Brea.
And Brea right after Thanksgiving.
Come see me do comedy.
Let's do it.
Let's fill it up.
Charlotte, Hollywood, Delaware, Atlantic City, Annapolis coming up in the spring.
Let's just fill Texas.
Let's get Texas full up.
In the spring.
Yeah, come out to Addison.
Let's see who's going to rally most.
That's my favorite place.
Or Houston.
What, Addison?
Yeah.
I love it too.
Trey's a good dude.
I love it, man.
That place is fun, dude.
How much trouble you got in down in Tampa, I wonder?
I'm okay.
Yeah?
You know, like, I mean, compared to Tempe?
Oh, yeah.
Like, I got done with, I didn't bring my phone to the show, so I couldn't, like, be searching for pussy.
Good.
Yeah, are the things you're doing these days to stay off, like, to try and curb that kind of appetite?
That's one thing.
It's a problem.
Yeah.
It's a problem.
It's just validation.
I need validation.
And it's like, whether it's escorts, which is, I prefer it.
Yeah.
Because I know it's organized.
Yeah.
It's like they're coming over.
We're going to do a thing and it's going to take place in this amount of time.
And then everybody's sitting natural and going about their business.
It's like going to some club and some girl goes, he raped me.
Like, what?
Yeah.
No, you don't.
I got the receipt.
You don't go to clubs.
Yeah.
Like, I work at a club.
I go home.
So I leave right away.
I don't bring my phone to the show.
And then I just like read a book and try to fall asleep.
Wow.
There's nothing good out there.
You're just going to get in trouble.
What is that thing inside of us?
Because, look, man, I can relate 100%.
Hell, my first car was a Ford Escort.
So I should have known right then, dude, that I was looking for fucking trouble, dog.
But did you go wrong?
Huh?
Oh, yeah, I would wear nothing and drive that bitch around.
Dude, I remember one time I was driving naked around town, right?
Because this is back when people didn't know if you were naked, you know?
And the cop, there was a cop had pulled somebody else over, right?
Hold on.
Hold on.
This is back when people didn't know whether or not you were naked.
Yeah, now everybody tells everybody, they're like, oh, you know, they'll make a funny video or something back in the day.
You can drive with no pants on or no shirt, nothing.
And you're like, oh, he's got a shirt off.
It's hot out.
Slow ride.
Yeah.
Now you'd be like, that guy's fucking naked.
Damn.
Slow ride, nice.
But now it's like you can just They're fucking, they have no idea.
Why?
Because it was fun, Jay.
I don't disagree.
It was free entertainment.
Was there any fear of getting caught?
No.
Keep telling the story because you're too good a storyteller for me to be.
No, that's back when it was the Wild West, dude.
You know, you could just, hey, how are you guys?
Do you guys just move in here and it's some lady fucking, you know, cutting her kids' hair in the yard and you're just sitting there fucking butt naked, bro?
Would she ever see that you were naked?
No.
They thought you were just a paint, just a local neighbor.
That's nice.
You were a citizen.
You were a citizen.
Yeah, you were a local citizen, dude.
A naked one.
Yeah, you were one of the many citizens that hit puberty locally, and you were fucking living it up just driving around town, you know?
I'd love to drive around naked.
When I had my escalade, I would drive back to Orange County every day after I was working.
And I just, I'm like, why can't I just see some lady playing with her pussy on the way home?
I never saw it.
You know what I mean?
Because I'm looking down at everybody's car because I had a truck.
Oh, yeah, that's nice.
When I went to San Francisco, when I was crossing the Bay Bridge, I'm like, everyone's smoking reefer.
Like, everyone's just in their car.
Like, I was the only one not smoking grass in my car.
I couldn't believe it.
Different times, man.
You sick, honey, buddy?
Yeah, I caught a cold the other day.
That's terrible.
It's the worst, man.
But yeah, man, I've been doing pretty good with the pornography.
I've been doing real good with the pornography, and I got back onto it a couple months ago.
Are you still watching it?
No, I'm about two weeks clean right now, I think.
Three weeks clean.
See, I've never made the effort to not watch it at all.
Really?
At all.
Dude, you got to get the apps, man.
What apps?
There's an app called Mobasip that's for your phone, and there's a different one that's on my computer.
I don't even know what it is anymore.
Oh, Covenant Eyes.
Dude, once I got the apps, what do the apps do?
You cannot look up any pornography.
You got to just use your imagination.
You can't even look up like a woman's hat.
If you want to buy your mom a hat or something, or if it's, you know, like a Kentucky Derby or something, you can't even get that.
You can't even get it.
I've been sitting there.
I'm thinking about I need like some kind of block.
Oh, it's a, bro.
And once I did that, here's the funny thing I found out about.
I'm on an airplane looking at porn on my phone.
Oh, that's disgusting.
I'd rather draw a picture.
You're driving around town naked.
Yeah, but you're young.
You know, at that point, you can get out of fucking jail, dude.
Jay Morgan gets busted looking at his, yeah, Mobacep.
And we don't work for them.
I wish we did, man.
I wish I worked with them.
I would like someone, if someone knows of a pornography app, they want to build one.
And we want to work together to offer a cheaper alternative to people.
This one is $15 a month.
Now, the value is immense, though.
Because here's what I realized.
I'm too lazy then.
Like, my addiction, my addiction to look at sexual deviance online, it falls off once it's not easily accessible.
I give up.
I don't have that addiction that's like, oh, you know, that young.
I'm going to get through this firewall.
I'm going to fix it.
Yeah.
Or like, I'm going to drive around naked like I, you know, had when I was young.
What about dating apps?
Nope.
I took them all off my phone.
Yeah.
The time suck.
Women just want to be pen pals on those things.
Oh, yeah.
It's a lot of, I think, I think it's a lot of lonely women just wanting to, yeah, stay.
I got kicked off a dating app.
They thought I was catfishing ladies as Jay Moore.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I got an email and everything.
It was rhymes with okay, Cupid.
And like, do I fight these people and go like, no, I am Jay Moore.
Let me go see a whole bunch of sixes and fives.
So I'm like, whatever, man.
And then you're like, ladies are fucking up the dating app game.
Like, full body shots only.
I went on a date.
The girl was beautiful in her photo.
Like, full body shots only.
You fat fuck.
You tricked me one time.
She showed up to the date for the wall like fucking Kool-Aid.
Big fat fellow with a pretty face.
Oh, yeah.
I'm there for pussy shit.
Yeah, with iced cake.
She's there for lunch.
I'm like, Jesus Christ, Grimace.
I'm like, what?
She was gorgeous.
Yeah, she was.
It's a lot of trickery, bro.
Right.
And filters on the photo, they show up.
You're like, you're not a panda.
But can you imagine this, though?
All the trickery then having to show up somewhere.
They got balls on them.
Big fat fuck comes in like, she was a fucking fat so.
That's crazy.
Like, you know, you're a fatso.
Mention it.
By the way, I don't know if you know this.
If you only see my face, I'm a big fat fuck.
Yeah, I'm a large.
Yeah, I like to stay large.
I don't know if you know this because you've only on the app, you know, you've only seen my face.
But yeah, I don't want you to be surprised or shocked or set back or put off because when you see all of me, I'm a big fat fuck, you know?
I could put my hands in my pockets when I'm naked.
I'm a big gal.
I'm a big gal, you know.
I'm chafed.
I don't know, man.
Dude, Norm.
I've known Norm in a long time.
Where have you been, Norm?
What's been going on, man?
Well, I've been on these dating apps, you know.
How about that bumble?
Yeah.
That's good.
Because that one scrolls up and down, not left and right.
Yeah.
So if you want any information on the lady, I have to go down to the bottom, you know.
And then way at the bottom, it says she lives in St. Louis.
All right.
What am I going to do?
St. Louis?
What am I?
A Cardinals fan?
What, the H?
Yeah.
What am I going to take her out for a bush bear?
I could go down a rabbit hole.
Sometimes I just can't stop doing that.
And Norm, some people are saying you're still living with your mother.
Is that true?
That's crazy talk, you know?
I may drive around Akadis, Louisiana, naked just because I like that gal that cuts her kid's hair on the lawn, you know?
Yeah.
Neighborly.
Yeah, Toby's mother.
Ah, yeah.
I like these girls on the apps that go long-term relationship only.
Yeah.
I don't believe that's true.
Nobody, Theo, walks onto a car a lot unless they want to buy a cock.
Have you been with some pretty bigger gals, Norm?
You seem like a guy that knows his way around a, you know, a real two-bedroom lady, you know?
Yeah, it's funny to bring that up.
Two-bedroom.
Oh, my God.
I don't have to think I'm making fun of him.
Oh, dude, everybody's making fun of Norm, man.
Why?
He's the best.
No, he's the best.
Hold on.
I am not making fun of Norm.
No, I don't think you're making fun of him.
No, I know you're not.
What was the thing?
Here's something.
No, on the dating app, I do do a joke on stage.
It's like long-term relationship only.
Like, really?
Yeah.
Like, sure.
Like, that's my joke.
Like, nobody goes on a car a lot unless they want to buy a cock.
And I know, long-term relationship only.
Dad, how'd you meet mom?
I swiped right while I was taking a shit.
I know, huh?
How sad.
Long-term relationship only.
It's fucking tender.
Suck it.
Yeah.
Do you think, let's get this question.
A question came in from a young male, actually.
And it's Norm McDonald-related.
Oh.
Hello, Theodore.
Hello, Jay.
This is your friend, Ryan, from Antioch, California.
Right now, I'm supposed to be delivering pizzas, but the pressing thing of my life is asking you guys a question.
Mostly, Jay, but hey, it's okay.
So my question is, is what is your favorite Norm McDonald's story?
I have a feeling I know what you're going to say, but who cares?
Tell the story anyways.
We all love it.
It's the best story ever.
I don't know what story he's talking about that he thinks he knows I'm going to tell him my favorite Norm McDonald's story.
I don't know either.
I was at Antioch, California, Pizza Man.
Yeah, I'd like to be at home, you know?
Yeah, a bunch of kids.
Big fat wife, big fat fuck, you know, giving you an earbeating.
Beautiful big guy.
You know, I'll take care of everything.
I'm going to order a pizza.
Yeah.
That'll make everybody happy.
Yeah.
And that guy is asking questions on the Theo Vaughn podcast.
And his pie is seven minutes late.
Meanwhile, that fucking guy's wife digests him.
You can't give a.
I can go insane doing it.
You know, it's so good, though.
My favorite, thank you.
My favorite Norm McDonald's story is probably one you guys don't know.
What's in my book is when he would...
Greatest.
I think I know what he's talking about.
Wow.
What was the kid's name?
Antioch Pizzaman.
Anthe?
Ryan Lauterback.
Ryan Lauderback.
From the Antioch Lauderbacks, you know, not to be confused with the ones in Perump.
I don't know what's going on here.
We were writing a sketch.
Well, I was watching other people write and rewrite a sketch.
And there's like 30 writers.
And the sketch was David Spade.
Fred Wolf wrote it for David Spade.
I'm pretty sure Fred Wolfe.
And it was a weight loss supplement, but it was just PCP and crack.
Oh, yeah.
You put it in a milkshake and you smoke it, and you just go about your day.
And then, like, you know, when they show like a fat person becoming a skinny person, it says, like, you know, 16 weeks, it was like six hours.
And David Spade's like, I'm going to help you lose weight.
He's like, ride the snake.
You got to ride the snake.
Don't let the snake ride you.
And then they just have all these people like shrinking into like skeleton bodies.
And because it's just crack.
That's all drugs.
Yeah.
That's drug related.
They say drug related.
they have Farley, a pre-filmed piece of Farley in a drive-thru window that they're going to cut to in the sketch.
And Farley pulls up to a drive-thru window and he goes, I'll have...
He's one of the people that just started.
He goes, I'll have...
He goes, yes.
I'll have 14 cheeseburgers, 14 hamburgers, 4 vanilla milkshakes, 6 strawberry milkshakes, 3 chocolate milkshakes, 6 apple pies.
And it just goes on and on and on.
And the rewrite, it was like from 1 in the morning till 3 in the morning.
I'm not kidding.
It was two hours.
Guys from Harvard, Brown, Yale, arguing over what, oh, because the guy goes, will there be anything else?
And what he says next for two hours, they're like, how about he repeats the exact same order again?
Yeah.
How about he says all that and goes, a diet Coke?
How about he says all that and goes, make that nine apple pies?
When I say two hours, though, I'm not kidding.
From 1 a.m.
to 3 a.m.
And what we didn't know was Norm was sitting on a couch at the other end of the writer's room.
And it's just going around.
It's chaos.
I could totally imagine that, too.
But it's like a huge order.
Anything else?
And he goes, yeah, because he was like, yeah.
Anything else?
Yes.
And then what comes after?
He says, yes.
That's the whole crux of the argument.
And Norm goes, we know he's in Norman goes, hey, you guys, we're all jumping.
Hey, you guys got Chris going, give me all that food, like 14 of those things and 25 apple pies, you know.
And the guy in the box goes, hey, will that be all?
Why doesn't Chris go, yes?
It's the greatest rewrite in the history of comedy.
He had him going, will that be all?
No, I also want.
And Norm's thing was like he had pride, like he had control.
After all that fucking food, everybody goes, yes.
One syllable.
One syllable.
We were on the ground rolling, laughing.
And then when they filmed it, he's like, I'll take 14 cheeseburgers and 44 fries and this and 22 cheese milkshakes and this and the apple pie.
And the guy goes, will that be all?
And finally goes, yes.
Like he's proud of himself.
It was fucking amazing.
It was white hot.
One thing that's funny, oh, here he said, asked me to write Dirty Work 2. So I worked all day yesterday and finished it.
This is Norm McDonald on Twitter.
Just yesterday, he's working on Dirty Work 2. First of all, it's got to be a parody tweet because it's a 500-page manuscript.
Scripts are usually about 106 pages.
What's the Instagram?
I'm saying.
I think he's actually got some pages out.
Wait, wait, what did he cross out before he wrote Norm?
Written by me.
Oh, okay.
He says Norm.
He said.
Dirty Work 2. No, I'm done pranking now.
I'm married to a beautiful scientist.
Oh, Brad Pitt's in it, too.
She's rich, and she has a beautiful face, and we have a cat named Kitty.
And we love Kitty like a child because, well, Marge cannot have children because the chemicals in her lab have rendered her barren.
Paul Capital rendered her barren.
Wow.
Do you think one of the reasons that what did Norm do after SNL?
Did he just tour?
He had a sports show on Comedy Central briefly.
People love him so much.
I'm one of those people.
I'm powerless.
He makes me laugh so hard.
Yeah.
Dude, he just made me laugh through you so hard.
That yes was probably the most I've laughed in months, man.
That's in my book, The Gasme for Airtime book.
It was like fucking, it was a one syllable.
Yeah.
That was yes.
Like we'd argue over what to name a high school.
Like opening shot of Jefferson High.
Too urban.
Fucking high school high.
Don't be too jokey.
Yeah.
Don't tip it.
This, like all these things, you don't even know what it means.
Just name it a high school.
David Spade the other day was, yeah, funny guy, man.
He was telling me a Norm McDonald's story where they all went on a plane to do a show somewhere together.
And he just said, one of the ways that Norm makes you laugh, he'll be like, what is this?
And it's just like a door, you know, and he's like, or like a chair.
He'd be like, well, David, what is this?
You sit down, it's...
The H?
Yeah, what is this little ledge here?
He's like, it's a chair, Norm.
It's a chair.
What do you do with it?
There's three of them right here.
What if I'm not sitting down?
It stays here?
But he went on like this five-minute monologue of Norm McDonald asking him what a bathroom door was.
And it was one of the funniest things I'd ever heard.
And it was just, yeah, he just says, I don't know if it's his voice or what it is about Norm McDonald that just makes, I mean, I don't know.
It's just, there's nobody like that.
It's the only thing making that sound.
Right.
It's a dog whistle.
It's the only.
You can only get Norm McDonald with Norm McDonald.
It's the only sentient being that emits that transmission.
Dang, yeah.
Like we all got like all these influences going through us at different times and regional accents and dialects.
He's just Norm.
Yeah.
And now if I got like Norm walked into a place to get work, it'd be like, oh, nah, man.
Yeah.
It's just so.
They've missed a lot of norms, I feel like.
I feel like there's been a lot of norms over the years.
They might have missed.
I know you want more of Jaymore.
Pretty bad joke there, but I got to pay the bills, man.
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Artie Lang told me they were doing San Francisco together and Artie Lang was opening for Norm.
They're in San Francisco and right before Artie goes on stage, Norm goes, hey, Artie, don't do any of that fag stuff.
Don't do any of that fag stuff out there.
San Francisco, you can't go out there and do homosexual jokes, you know?
And he's like, I like to, he goes, yeah, you can't do any of that gay fag stuff.
It's not going to fly here, you know.
You have to have respect for where you are.
Yeah.
So he goes out this 20 minutes.
Norm comes out his first joke.
Hey, how many fags here have AIDS?
They say AIDS does not discriminate, but only gay guys have it.
That's kind of discriminatory, you know?
And I think not discriminating is supposed to be a good thing.
Something like that.
But she goes right on stage.
Hey, how many fags here?
Have AIDS.
Oh, man, that's good.
Hey, don't do any of that gay stuff, okay?
Yeah, be quiet, you know?
Oh, God.
What a puppeteer, man.
What a puppeteer.
I love him.
Yeah, I'd love to be in his head for a minute.
And he reminds me of like a Midwest, of like a, you know, of like just a, he reminds me of like so many characters that you just don't see anymore, you know?
Yeah.
I mean, and you never have seen a guy like that.
Like it's always been off the beaten path.
Yes.
Like guys like Norm, guys like Colin Quinn, guys like Richard Lewis.
Think of how much they had to bomb before they found a theater of people that came to see them regularly.
That mastered that.
Because it's such a finite frequency.
Like Dennis Miller, I learned a lot.
Like Dennis Miller's off-white album and the HBO special that it was was called Mr. Miller Goes to Washington.
I've listened to that more and it's done more for my comedy in my life than all comedy albums combined.
Because he's making those crazy references and like, you know, two-thirds of the audience don't even know what it means, but the rhythm's still great.
But the people that do get it, they're never not going to see him.
Right.
It's like, oh my God, he said Twilight Tharp.
It's just, it's insane.
So like Colin Quinn stuff and like Norm's stuff, like when Richard Lewis got going, Emo Phillips.
Yeah.
Like these guys were so like, what, what's happening?
Like Dennis Wolfberg, like way back, guys like, like even Kinnison, like when Kinnison started, it was like, what's happening?
It wasn't what everybody else was doing.
Yeah.
It's like listening to Poison and Cinderella and then Jane's Addiction comes along.
You're like, whoa, Juka.
Wow, this is different.
It's great.
It's new.
Right.
So then like the fact that they go out, they were game.
They kept going.
You know, it's so true when you, when I, like a lot of times people will submit music, like people will submit music to, because they want to be on the front of the podcast, right?
Because sometimes we put new music on there, music from different listeners and stuff.
And it's awesome, and I'm grateful for the submissions.
But some of you are like, oh, this band sounds just like this other band.
And then I started to think, like, yeah, the real way to be novel is not to be like, okay, this is what's going on.
I'm going to do that and succeed with that.
It's to find whatever voice inside of you is different.
And it's going to be fucking rocky for a while because nobody's going to believe that that's the next sound, that that's the thing until you get it fine-tuned, you know?
I think you're right, but I think you're alongside it.
And that is not find the voice that nobody else is doing.
You just have to find your fucking voice.
Right.
And then maybe it's one that nobody else is doing.
Right.
Like Jane's Addiction, as an example.
It was like poison, Cinderella, Motley Crew, girls, girls, girls.
And then Jane's Addiction was like, it was all treble.
And his voice was real tinny and weird.
And Dave Guevaro had these like landscapey sounds.
Like, this is fucking evil.
What's happening?
And like, there's very few bands.
Yeah, that's, you just got to be true to yourself.
Like, in comedy, like, they go, you ever do interviews?
And they're like, so what's your, what's your point of view?
I'm like, what?
Like, from here is my point of view.
Yeah.
Like, what is it?
I don't even know what that means.
I get asked it.
I've been asked it a dozen times.
What's my point of view?
Yeah, I don't fucking know, dude.
Where are you coming from on stage?
Like, where you coming from?
What do you talk about?
Yeah, people say, what do you talk about?
Fucking stuff.
Yeah.
It's like the biggest, you know what I mean?
I'm like, yeah, dude, I don't know.
Imagine asking like a painter.
So like, what do you paint before he paints?
Yeah.
Because we haven't gone on stage yet.
It's different every night.
Yeah.
And that's why comedy is the greatest art form.
It's the most art art form there is.
Yeah.
I forget about that sometimes.
Not poetry, not any art form you can think of.
Comedy blows it out of the water and I can prove it.
The size, every single viewing, the materials change, the size of the frame changes, the way people are looking at it.
One night it's a sculpture.
One night looks like a fucking Jackson Pollock.
The length of time it is is different all the time.
The people looking at it make it different every time.
It's crazy.
It's like a guy making like a.
Yeah, it's like making ravioli in a matrix or something.
That's a neat way to put it.
Yeah.
It's like you're just working with, like we control time.
Yeah.
We literally bend time.
You tell a story about when you were a kid, I was watching the cartoon about Halloween in the back of your mom's.
Oh, yeah.
You know, pickup and stuff.
It was so cool.
Yeah, in the station wagon.
But if I'm listening to that without the car, it was so funny, buddy.
I'm so funny.
Oh, thanks, man.
Yeah.
It's so good.
Somebody's doing that with you.
It's fun.
But when you tell that story without that, without the cartoon for me to stare at, I'm there.
I'm picturing the car and the heat in the car.
You driving around naked and the lady cutting her kids' hair in the front lawn.
Oh, yeah.
Little things like that.
I'm there.
I pictured a yard in my head.
Yeah.
I pictured what the roads look like.
There probably weren't sidewalks.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You were probably in like a Ford Granada or something.
Or you said what kind of car?
I actually created a town in my head.
No other art does that.
The other art goes, this is what you're looking at.
This is blue, that's orange, and it's all like mishy-mosh, and it kind of looks like a guy's falling down.
Or this is a sculpture.
This is what you're looking at.
We say shit, and the audience creates what it is in their head.
Like George Carlin goes, to me, the best sentence in comedy, fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks.
When he's talking about soft names make soft people, I'm getting sick of guys named Todd and Cody and Dylan and Tucker.
Fuck Tucker.
Tucker sucks.
There is no Tucker.
You have to create your own Tucker in your head as an audience member.
Yeah.
See what I mean?
And hate him to the point of applause in this amount of time.
Now.
Like, fuck Tucker, Tucker.
Fuck Tucker, Tucker suck.
There's only three words in that sentence because Tucker's repeated.
Fuck Tucker, Tucker, suck.
In that amount of time, you have to create a Tucker and go, I fucking hate the guy I just thought of.
It's insane.
He's a wizard.
And fuck Todd and guys that look like Todd.
And you're like, yeah.
You don't even know.
You'll start cheering.
You'll fire a fucking arrow.
You're made a human being in your head.
Oh.
You fucking put an arrow in gas and light it and fucking fire it into a damn field of Todd's, bro.
Team Spirit.
Who wants t-shirts?
Hit the baseline.
Are you watching any sports?
Are you still watching hoops?
Yeah, well, the season's about to start.
What do you think of this Chinese fallout?
It's a tough hustle, man.
Look, let's not fuck.
Let's call a spade a spade.
It's about the almighty dollar.
Yeah.
NBA's got billions of dollars rolling in.
They knew that going in.
Risky.
And that's how it's how they're not the first company to make inroads in China and go like, eee, don't do that.
We're making millions and billions of dollars.
Yeah.
And this was LeBron right here talking about it.
And LeBron is such a, sorry, go on, Nick.
We all talk about this freedom of speech.
Yes, we all do have freedom of speech.
But at times, there are ramifications for the negative that can happen when you're not thinking about others, or you're only thinking about yourself.
So I don't believe, I don't want to get into a word or sentence feud with Daryl, with Daryl Morag, but I believe he wasn't educated on the situation at hand.
And he spoke.
And so many people could have been harmed, not only financially, but physically, emotionally, spiritually.
So just be careful what we tweet and we say and what we do, even though, yes, we do have freedom of speech, but there can be a lot of negative that comes with that too.
Ice-T, freedom of speech.
Just watch what you say.
It's hard once you become part of it.
He doesn't like Daryl Morray, that's for sure.
Or once you become part of him, because it affected his bottom line.
He's all right.
He'll be fine.
If Rob Polinka tweeted that, he wouldn't have that take.
If a Lakers guy tweeted that, he wouldn't throw him under the fucking bus.
It's family.
But it's a guy from the Rockets.
Oh, that's a good point.
Oh, yeah.
Like, if you're not educated on the issues, like, what education do I need?
The fact that they're fighting for democracy?
Right.
Like, you know.
But he's right, though.
They could have been physically, like, I know people in the Lakers organization that were concerned.
They, that, like, they wanted them home.
Like, let's, are they going to come home?
Right.
Are they going to come home?
Yeah, one of my friends works for the NBA.
He was over there and he said the second that it all kind of went down, that after that, they always felt watched after that.
Court.
You know, when Nixon went to China on the motorcade from the airport to whatever, like the Ambassador's Palace, everybody on the street was an actor playing a person on the street.
Wow.
Isn't that amazing?
They didn't want anybody getting out of line.
They hired actors to be the guy with the newspaper walking to his car.
They had a lady with a baby that was an actress.
Like just people, just Nixon looking out the window going, fine people here.
Yeah.
They were all actors from that whole route.
We were all just praying they're doing the roles okay.
Dude, China doesn't play, man.
I went to China last year, dude.
China doesn't play.
You did?
Yeah.
I went to Shanghai or something.
Or yeah, Shanghai.
And did comedy there?
Other areas, yeah.
Did comedy over there for a lot of expats, a lot of...
Yeah.
It was pretty cool, man.
It was, this might have been a year and a half ago.
Wow.
But China doesn't play, dude.
China.
Bro, there was no white people.
There's nobody.
It's just Chinese people.
You can't go stay in China.
You can't show up in China with no papers and mill around.
China doesn't give a fuck.
Dude, I've said it before.
You walking down the street in China, you die.
They make a soup out of you, buddy.
You know?
And they do it gracefully, bro.
Now, there's love and there's a lot of like, you know, like, but they're moving forward.
You know what I'm saying?
They're like, we're using you as nutrients.
We're going to go build, you know, do whatever we need to do.
You can't stop moving your career.
Install some windows or fucking, dude, you got people fucking blowing drywall with their own mouths, bro.
You know what I'm saying, bro?
You got people fucking, dude, you'll have one guy mixing asbestos and another guy's open mouth, bro.
They're not playing games over there, dude.
I think the easiest job in the world, because comedy is maybe one of the hardest ones, right?
Police sketch artist in China.
That's got to be an easy job, you know?
I'll tell you the easiest job in the world, police sketch artist in China.
Guy comes in and go, oh my God, Chinese police, help me.
I just got robbed.
And they go, hey, we got it.
5'5, straight black hair, Marlboro Reds.
Yeah, we got his photo, you know?
Oh, my God, bro.
That's fucking awesome, man.
I could have just said it as me.
Dude, it's all.
No, that's fucking good.
I'll say it as Colin.
I think the easiest job in the world is probably police sketch artist in China, you know?
Some guy comes in with a straight A, Chinese policeman.
I just got robbed.
They're like, yeah, yeah.
We know who he is.
We're on the lookout.
5'5, straight black hair, Marlborough reds, smooshed in those.
Okay.
We thought he was an Italian with Down syndrome.
Maybe.
All right.
What do you know, yeah?
Or that could also be Jim Norton if he has to run to the airport in like an hour and catch his flight.
Because he gets a little more antsy when he has to go.
Either way, both of them are fucking immaculate.
Oh, my goodness.
What's this here, David?
This is odd.
It's like a strong area.
Theo, we've been sitting here over an hour, you know.
What is this?
This big chunk of wood here.
This used to be a tree or something.
It's a table, Norm.
This is a table.
A what?
A table, like a...
I may be an old chunk of coal here.
And I may have been born at night, but I wasn't born last night.
But if I want to set things go, like emotional baggage, or past relationships, or regret, I don't see how this...
A table.
Yeah.
Like if you want to do a puzzle.
Wow, I don't understand.
Was this wood?
Yeah, this was.
It still is.
What kind of wood is your table?
I think maple.
Now, do you have to make a table out of a certain kind of wood?
I'm fucking losing the impression.
No, it's good.
I'm struggling here.
I loved it, man.
Fuck, as close as I ever got to know him.
I've asked him 40 times to come on here.
Wow, you know.
47th time is the charm is what no one ever says, you know.
Do you think with these athletes getting back to the basketball, do you think with these athletes that – It's not even like a person on the court anymore.
At a certain point, it's just you're too big.
He's not making his own.
He usually does.
He usually does.
Yeah.
He's usually very outspoken because the commissioner wanted the players to be available for the media in China.
But the commissioner and the NBA hadn't had an official statement yet.
So LeBron was the guy that led the players to say, whoa, you haven't spoken to the media.
We didn't do anything wrong.
Right.
You addressed it.
We're not going to go talk to get fed to the wolves.
So like, that's LeBron's power is they're like, okay, it's media day.
And LeBron's like, no, it's not.
We're not doing media because you have not spoken to the media.
You're the commissioner.
You're in charge.
Wow.
That's gravitas, man.
Yeah.
That's gravity.
Just today, the Chinese state broadcaster said Commissioner Adam Silver will face retribution sooner or later for saying that Beijing wanted him to fire Daryl Maury.
So, like.
Like, you can't win with these folks.
Is this Cameron right here?
Yes.
China.
Suck my dick.
I'll say it in Chinese.
Suck my dick.
Yeah.
Like, fucking relax, China.
Fucking stop.
China won't stop, dude.
I'm telling you, bro.
They're game.
Give us, yeah, they're game.
Gameness.
Bro, they're game.
And when the dog goes in the cage, they fucking decorate, you know.
Me and you go to China.
We'll fucking clean house.
Chinese women, bro.
Dude, you can't...
Bro, there's not even...
Just make a joke.
Oh, yeah.
China, like, there's going to be how they have retribution to the NBA commissioner.
Like, they're going to fucking slap his neck when he's sleeping.
You know what they'll do?
They'll probably get three guys on each other's shoulders, put him in a, like, a warm-up outfit, get him onto a team, and just have them doing wild layups.
And then I think we all know how the Chinese are going to have retribution to Adam Silver.
And that is, of course, three words for Chao Yun Faf.
One fan raised 43,000.
One Laker fan raised $43,000 to hand out stand with Hong Kong t-shirts at the Lakers season opener.
Because Hong Kong is the season opener that's coming up.
Not in China.
No, no, no, no, no.
Maybe in jail.
Yeah, it's interesting how it's like.
Well, I'm sorry.
He raised money to make fucking t-shirts?
Yeah, it was that he...
Fucking t-shirt man.
Yeah, people gave him how much?
$43,000.
To make t-shirts.
Damn.
$3 each.
Yeah.
They cost two bucks to make.
Fucking rude.
How many got taken?
How many people can even fit in the state in the stands?
$16,000?
2022 something?
So yeah, they got taken.
But it's just wild.
I think everybody in the stand should be like this.
Every time there's a free throw, everybody just go like, free tow.
Like, every time there's a free throw, you see the audience, they're waving like those thundersticks.
What if you just see some guy goes to the line for a free throw?
And you see, like, I don't know, like 600 people are like, ooh, pull their fucking eyes back.
That's how you fuck with China.
The protesters might take offense to that, too.
That's the crazy thing, dude.
Am I democracy or not?
It's my right to do it.
People are like, it's their right to throw me out of staple center, too.
I'm not fucking doing it.
I'm a company man.
Dude, it's a.
I'm not fucking up my Lakers relationship.
But you'll have so many people in America.
It's like, oh, we got to, you know, everybody, we have to be so welcoming to other countries.
We have to be so welcoming to China.
We have to make America more like China so people from China can fit in.
But if you made America more like China, then you'd be making it a fucking...
We have a fucking dictator.
But I'm just saying, you'd be making it if you made it more like China.
I don't know what I'm fucking saying, bro.
Fuck, I hate talking sometimes.
Hey, man.
Not as much as I hate talking.
Really?
I can't stop.
I just found out it was bipolar three weeks ago.
Did you really, dude?
Diagnosed at 49 years old.
Am I, you think?
No.
Fuck.
Bipolar type two.
I need something.
You don't, Theo.
I swear, let's just keep talking off air.
You're all right.
Yeah.
It's this town will fuck with you, too.
Yeah, this town will fuck with you, dude.
Who's this guy?
Martin Harris.
Is that the lead singer of Erasure?
I don't know how it could be.
Hey, boys, how's it going?
Lip Flack Sugar.
Theo, big fan of the podcast.
Appreciate your work.
Jay, big fan of your career in general.
One of my favorites of all time is one that flies under the radar, I feel, and that's Mafia.
Hilarious movie.
It's been a favorite of mine for years.
I would love to know a little bit more about how that came to be made.
And if you have any good stories surrounding that flick, it's an absolute riot to watch.
Also, really enjoyed the doc that you made about HR from Bad Brains.
How did that come about?
Super interesting.
I didn't know that your background was in, you know, hardcore punk, stuff like that.
Do you have any other favorite bands from the genre, from the era, whether it's New York, DC?
Gang, bro.
That's Gang, Gang.
If you pull up, if you go to YouTube, Finding Joseph.
So Mafia is one of my favorite movies I ever did for many different reasons.
A, I never was in a comedy before.
That was my first comedy, being a comedian.
Like, I had done 14 movies, and that was my first comedy.
But it wasn't really a comedy for me because the guys did the airplane and hotshots.
So everything I said is the way.
Did he finish her?
No, is that him?
No, Jim Abrams.
So everything I said, I had to say straight.
And all the craziness happens around me.
Yeah, you're just the son.
Like, excuse me, Steward, as I speak Jive.
Like, she's not making it.
She's not acting like a joke, like an airplane.
She has to say it straight.
Like, she speaks jive.
So it was so much fun.
I made good dough.
And it's the only movie I ever auditioned for that they told me I had it at the audition.
Wow.
I auditioned.
They go, so you want it?
This is great.
You want to do it?
I'm like, yeah.
How much do you want to be paid?
I go, $600,000?
They go, great.
I'm like, fuck.
I should have said $1 million.
Yeah.
You got three minutes?
I got to go to practice.
This is available everywhere.
This is the documentary I made with James Lathos, the director.
He handed me a whole bunch of footage of the band Bad Brains, and we sort of redirected it towards mental health.
Do you know the band Bad Brains still?
You're about to get educated.
And this was, I'm as proud of this as anything I've ever done.
This is about three years ago.
We finally got it sold.
So we'll dig it.
Greetings in the name of His Imperial Majesty Ja Rastafari.
My name is Rashailu Gabru Joseph I, aka HR.
Who is HR?
Well, he's a lot of things, but number one, he's the best vocalist ever.
He was the guy who made me feel like anything was possible.
Everything was possible.
When it's on, it's on.
So if you happen to witness when it was like lightning striking, you got the feel to fly.
You can see that on stage right there.
He believes he's worshiping God.
He's in it, and nothing else matters.
That's an it thing that not many people have.
That rock star it factor.
And he still had it.
We're watching a show.
He's doing a song.
And he does a backflip.
And he lands exactly at the end of the song.
And it was like game over.
And this is a documentary you produced?
Directed?
I executed produced it.
Wow.
That looks good, man.
It's fantastic.
My friend Scott will love that, dude.
He loves all kind of music.
Bad Brains, the lead singer.
He's the lead singer of Bad Brains.
They're one of the most important punk bands ever.
It's like 1980 from D.C. A bunch of black guys doing punk, a bunch of rostas.
But they're from D.C. They're all like military kids, too.
Two of them were.
How'd you get on to him?
I'm punk rock guy.
I like punk.
You like Henry, what's his name?
Henry Rollins?
He bows at the altar of Bad Brains.
Oh, really?
I don't know if he bows to anybody.
He's a good dude, Henry.
But yeah, he loves, like, he was in that scene.
And then Fugazzi came out of DC.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They started all of it.
Skinny Puppy, was that one or not?
I don't know if they're from DC, but Acid Bath or no?
Beastie Boys sample Bad Brains.
That's like a break from a Bad Brains song.
And Jane's Addiction Perry Farrell was asked what their music sounds like.
And he goes, We're a cross between Duke Ellington and Bad Brains.
And this old guy goes, What's a bad brain?
It's like some old documentary I saw.
Dude, you're one of the neatest bad brains I know, man.
I got good brains, bad brains.
They're just brains, man.
Brains?
Well, what do you mean?
I'm just going to do it all day.
Hey, I noticed you have a thing on your head.
Is your head okay, Phil?
Because you have bananas where your hair should be.
Yeah, man.
What happened?
Maybe there's a banana accident.
It's like, yeah.
Hey, maybe you're a monkey's uncle.
I think that's perfect, man.
One of the baddest brains I know.
Jay Moore, thanks for coming in today, man.
I love you too, man.
Yeah, that's life sentence.
Straight up.
And 24-7, wake me up.
You need something?
I got it.
Yeah, man.
They say in Hawaii, this guy once said to me, I was breaking his balls.
We were shooting something in the AD.
It was Hawaiian and Korean.
Tommy Cho.
Are we doing it?
What's happening?
If the lights go off, I was being a dick.
And he goes, hey, if Ken can, if no can, no can.
So if Ken can, dude, you know what they say?
Don't come on my back and tell me it's raining, brother.
You feel me?
Oh, yeah.
Let me know.
You're coming on my back so I can enjoy it.
Well, here's a white supremacist real quick.
Let's fucking get this guy in.
Moore, my question is for you.
Do you Burt Kreischer currently have beef?
At night in a gym.
Rumor is you do.
This guy seems like a rumor.
Why is everybody doing acting performances for their questions?
I'm supposed to be delivering pizzas, but I'm...
They all try to be Theo a little bit.
Do you and...
Do they?
I don't think it's steel.
Maybe that one wasn't, but.
That seems like.
You and Bert Kreischer have beef.
Rumor has it.
You do.
No.
I think Bert's doing his thing.
I got fucking kids.
I'm divorced twice.
I've gotten sober twice.
I've given the IRS $700,000 twice.
I got fucking beef with anybody.
By the way, there's no rumor.
Yeah, rumor doesn't hit it.
First of all, rumor never hit that guy.
I mean, I'm glad that guy is supporting the podcast, but also that guy has on no shirt and beanie, which is that guy?
That guy's legit.
Are you cold or not?
That guy can fight.
He's in his gym fucking putting in work, and in the middle of working out, he goes, let me get this question down on Waxman.
Chicken, chicken, chicken, beef.
Where do you get Finding Joseph?
Where can you get it?
You got to look it up because the director panicked and sold it to a lesser distributor.
It should be on iTunes and fucking Netflix, but the director took a little more money for it to be on a different platform.
You can buy it on YouTube.
That's one place, but I was there.
Any place I have no idea.
But it's out there.
Addison, Texas, you got to come back again soon, man.
Anytime.
Mondays, Tuesdays, I'm always free.
I've kind of checked it out.
Do you do this every week, a couple times a week?
Yeah, once.
We'll be doing less guests, but I talk to you forever.
It's easy.
I'll come back next Monday.
You just shelve it and make it an evergreen show.
Some people, it's just come back.
We'll do next Monday.
I'd love to have you back.
We'll talk about whatever.
If Ken can.
If Ken can, Ken can.
Hey, remember what the fly said when he was walking over the mirror, Theo?
That's one way of looking at it, you know?
I don't know.
Now I'm getting addicted to doing norms like quiet boys.
I'd say, there's this guy, you know?
And we were like, hey, we are going across Ontario.
And it was like, I don't know, this bad guy.
That's like when you really can get an impression.
You do the person quiet.
I love that.
Like Christopher Walker.
All right, man.
I got to go to practice and change some lives.
You changed mine, buddy.
Gang, bro.
Good to see you.
Gang, gang, man.
I love you, man.
I love you too, man.
Get back in the ocean with me.
I will.
New paddleboards.
Really?
Yeah, they're huge.
It's like an aircraft carrier.
Oh, damn.
Dude, that C-130, huh?
The limits.
Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself unwind shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my story and I will find a song I will sing just to make a way to be a little bit more of a kid.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Easy to do.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy-bloody wika.
John Maine.
I'll take a quarter bottle of cheese to add a bit of glory.
I think Tom Hanks just buttiled me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
