Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Theo contemplates buying a zoo, checks in on Danielle the former 26 year old virgin, and listens to voicemails about support for last week’s caller Griffin, spraying out in Ohio, and wanting to farm. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Merch https://theovonstore.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter Try for free at https://ZipRecruiter.com/TPW MeUndies To get your 15% off your first pair, free shipping, and a 100% Satisfaction Guarantee visit https://MeUndies.com/Weekend ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Video Hotline Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Music Intro “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn Outro “English Gothic” - Coley Garratt http://bit.ly/ColeyGarratt_EnglishGothic ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patreon Gunt Squad Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alex Wang Alexa harvey Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Annmarie Reilly Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brandon Woolsey Christopher Becking Claire Tinkler Cody Anderson Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dan Draper Dan Perdue Danny Crook David Christopher David Witkowski Dentist the menace Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Doug C Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeffrey Lusero Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kaylyn Dudich Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kirk Cahill Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields Madeline Matthews Mandy Picke'l Marisa Bruno Matt Nichols Meaghan Lewis Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Roma Noah Bissell NYCWendy1 OK Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Robyn Tatu Rohail Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Sean Scott Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Vanessa Amaya Victor I tuck back and sit down to pee Johnson II Vince Gonsalves Vlog Master William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block Pizza 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles on the way to the beach.
Gray Block.
Get that hitter.
Get it for yourselves.
Get it for somebody else.
How's your fantasy squad doing, huh?
How's your team, dude?
You got Sterling Sharp?
Ha ha.
That dude ain't getting it done, bro.
What's some other people that aren't...
You got Sterling Sharp.
You got...
I feel like.
I feel like there has to be an NFL player named Mustard at some point.
I'm going to look that up.
NFL Mustard Man.
No, male player.
NFL Mustard.
Chad Mustard.
He was a tight end boy.
He was signed by the Omaha Beef as a free agent in 2003.
He played college football and college basketball in North Dakota.
Old Chad Mustard.
Dang, there's got to be more than that, huh?
Well, you got to respect that, boy.
Fantasy teams, yeah.
My team is doing well decent.
All right.
Is there any bigger fantasy team than human beings, you think?
than humanity?
Is there any bigger...
It's wild times, you know.
The times are getting thick.
Especially.
Yeah, nature's just getting real thick right now.
You could taste it in the air.
If you even just lick the air a little, do it.
Nobody will see you.
Nobody will do it.
And if they do, I'll tell you this.
If they see you do it, they're going to do it.
They're going to think something's going on.
Try it.
Lick the air once or twice.
Now taste it in your mouth.
Something's happening.
The air's getting thick.
We're all on a fantasy team.
I don't know what's going on sometimes.
It's wild.
I think it's that time of year.
You know, I was talking about it last week and it's just...
The universe is thick right now with people coming and going.
You know, with Halloween here and with...
And it's, whew, we are in one heck of a fantasy game, aren't we?
Let's go.
I'm just sitting on your front ball.
How could I be so far from my home?
And my mind is somewhere else but when I find it I'll patch up where it's been blown Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone
Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it Hit my bones But it's gonna take a little time For me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
And that is something that can save us right there.
Music.
And the other thing that can save us is the light of something bigger.
The light of something bigger than us.
And it's shining on us.
And it wants to see us.
I do believe that.
I do believe that the good wants us to win.
I do believe that.
And it wants to see our faces.
And it wants us to know that it accepts us.
It wants us to know.
That we don't have to hide.
That we don't have to be ashamed, you know?
Sometimes maybe that's even why ghosts come and see us, because they're trying to say, hey, hey, hey, buddy.
You got...
You don't need all this extra.
You don't need all of this pomp and circumstance and all these French coats and all of these mink hats and mink shoes and everything and all the exotic taffy and everything.
You just need you.
And we just need each other and you're going to be okay.
Sometimes I think that the this is the time when the you know you could hang as much drywall as you want and you cannot stop the spirits from peeking back.
You cannot stop the light from looking down.
It's a thoroughfare right now, brother.
It is a autobahn.
And what if this is?
This is.
What if this is just the middle ground?
You know, what if this is just the mid, this is just a lobby between Satan and the Lord and that's that.
Between the good and evil.
This is just a doctor's office.
This is just a, there's just magazines sitting around here in our world.
It really is.
We really are.
We're just milling around looking at magazines here.
Waiting to be called in a different direction.
But I believe that.
I believe that this is the time when, you know, El Día de los Muertos, you know, when the devil's, you know, he's got as many arms as he can and he's reaching them up and the light is looking down and it is just sabotage right now.
Welcome to this past weekend.
And, yeah, I'm just, I guess I got a lot on my mind right now.
Just I think just about purpose I've been thinking about a lot this week.
You know, and who do I want to be?
You know, just as a human.
Who am I?
You know, who do I want to be as a man?
You know?
Does my manhood matter as much as my humanhood?
If that makes any sense.
I've been thinking about that a little.
You know, I've been thinking about that.
You know, sometimes we get bottled, we get directed into so many things, especially when we're young.
I notice for myself, I get directed in this way and directed in that.
And it really frames, it helps to kind of like form the way I think and feel.
And also compartmentalize me.
You know?
And so I've just been, I guess, I don't know, it's that time of year where even our chakras and our hearts and our treasure chests and our damn, you know, our dirty clothes hampers and the recycling bins inside of us, it's all open.
It's that open door policy right now.
You know, the full moon is building up and, you know, and it all is that it's just anything can come and anything can go.
And there's just a lot of energy milling around at the moment.
And I know that because I'm feeling it.
I'm feeling it.
I'm feeling it from my friends and I'm feeling it from even my non-friends.
You know, I'm just feeling it.
So good to be here.
Thank you guys for coming back.
I hope you're having a good day.
You know, I hope you're having a good day.
And let's get into the episode.
I do want to let you know that they have, it's not an ad.
Everybody, you thought it was going to be an ad right there.
But yeah, go on ahead one more time.
Lick the air a little.
Lick the air just a little.
If you do it serious enough and don't act like a donkey while you're doing it, then the man seeing you down the way or the lady or the, you know, you know, anybody that's homeowned and down the way, whoever they are, they will do it as well.
They're going to, because that's the thing.
We're so susceptible.
Like, oh, what are they doing?
Do they know something I don't?
Oh, is there free vanilla in the air today?
What's happening?
Oh, maybe the Lord's just emptying out his pantry and everybody's catching a free hit of, you know, maybe somebody's catching free, you know, a free taffy.
Maybe the Lord threw some taffies off of the floor and they've fallen into people's faces and everything.
Who knows?
Maybe somebody, you know, you got to get your tongue out of your mouth, man, and catch something.
That's what I'm saying.
It's that time of year.
I have a show announcement.
Do I?
Yes.
I don't know when the ticket's going to be on sale.
December 26th in Lafayette, Louisiana at the Hyman Performing Arts Center.
Some proceeds from the evening are going to benefit Dustin Poirier's The Good Fight Foundation.
You know, and we're excited about that.
And you can follow me on social medias for the pre-sale code.
And yeah, we're excited to help raise money for the Good Fight Foundation.
And I think it's going to be a fun time of year.
It's going to be a fun time of year, and I'm hoping to be able to be there And be a part of people's holiday season.
So afterwards, Dustin and I as well might do some photos and everything with anybody that wants them.
Hell, most people probably don't want them.
We might have to chase you down to get you to do one with us.
But you know, I believe that he's a good guy, and I believe that he fights for people that can't, and so does his charity.
And I'm excited to be down there in the Laffey.
They call it the Laffey down there in the Lafayette.
And it's a big place.
I don't even know what that place will.
I don't know if we'll sell that or not, but it's a big place.
What's going on with me?
Oh, I've been watching.
What is it?
I've been watching Righteous Gemstone.
Boy, it's good.
I think the number one costume this year is going to be Uncle Baby Billy's.
You know it.
And Uncle Baby Billy's, and he got that little big tooth side piece.
You know, that fucking little enamel snake he's got always slithering around with him.
Tiffany or something her name is.
Tabitha.
Uncle Baby Billy's, bruh.
So that's beautiful.
I wonder if it would be fun to have him and maybe get Keith in here.
That other guy with the long hair, that Satan boy.
And he loves Satan, brother.
But yeah, man, I love that.
Ain't no misbehaving.
That's my running through the house with a pickle in his mouth.
That shit is too much, son.
It's too much.
Yeah, man.
It's just a wild time.
There's been a lot going on this year.
There's been a lot going on.
And I'm just feeling it from a lot of people.
A lot of people just wondering what's happening right now.
And I think it's because we're in the final curve heading into the end of the year.
Because the year, it's like anything.
It gives us a shape.
It gives us a, you know, the sink, you're just kind of oozing down the side of the sink.
And then October hits and suddenly it just crevasses straight over towards the drain.
And that's November, December, and then bam, that's it.
And it's just that time of year where a lot is on, there's a lot energetically at stake because we're heightened.
And no, I haven't been reading like some horoscopes or anything like that because I ain't no damn starburst.
A lot of these, you know, you got these, you know, a lot of people out here starbursting.
And somebody, you know, they'll throw a damn, somebody will beat you in the head with a with a with a geode or something, you know, a sock full of these damn geodes and tell you, you know, you're going to go to heaven or whatever.
And these, you know, who knows?
But it just, I don't know what's going on.
So, yeah, what else is happening with me?
This weekend, I didn't eat too much.
Watch the Saints game.
I got sick, actually.
I got a little bit of the flu yesterday or two days ago.
Started to come on.
So it's been kind of recovering from that.
So some of this could be the Nyquil talking.
And yeah, man, what I hate is whenever you get the flu and you're trying to blow your nose and like you can't tell if the snot is trying to go out or in.
So I'm doing, so I'm just, it's like, you know, you're playing, you're just a dirty, you're a dirty trombone and you're playing yourself.
And you're just like, what do I, you know, do I blow it out?
Do I get it through the back end?
What am I doing here?
You almost want to call somebody that's chimney sweeping out there to come and take care of you and beat you in the face or beat you in the ass with a feather or something, something unique.
But if people see you licking the air, they will do it.
That's baffling.
Because you think people would see somebody licking there, they'd be like, oh, that guy, you know, I'm calling the police.
But instead, what people see you out there, get a friend out there, go lick the air.
First, somebody will be like, oh, look at these guys, huh?
Look at these freaks.
And then as they walk away, they'll kind of take a little taste out of the air.
Man, what is it?
What's going on?
They're giving out free boys in Barry?
What's going on?
You don't know what's in the air.
Sometimes, now I remember my boy Jeffrey Soviak had a gas leak at his house when I was young.
And they had monoxide or something.
And we would go, we didn't know.
We'd go fall asleep on Friday and wake up on Sunday.
Beautiful.
It would be like, damn, the whole family, you'd walk through his kitchen.
His mom would be just dead asleep doing a, you know, you know, five hours into making a salad.
She, you know, she'd been asleep for four hours and 55 minutes of it.
So, you know, just different time, but beautiful.
You know, beautiful to get that free gas as a boy.
And this is before all the legislation and everybody got upset about everything.
But just to get that free gas as a boy, man.
It was nice.
It really was to go to a place and get something for free.
There's just something nice about it.
Even if it is kind of like a toxic or semi-toxic gas.
What else?
Buddy of mine trying to get me to invest with him in the zoo.
That's crazy, but I guess I've been lightly considering it.
He got the read on a zoo down in Sinaloa, I guess.
Down in Mexico.
So Sinaloa, the officially the Estado Libre y soberano.
Soberano de Sinaloa.
Okay, kind of chatty there on Wikipedia about it.
But yeah, my buddy got a read on a zoo that went under down there.
So I don't know what to think about that.
You know, I got caught up in some bad investments when I was young.
We did a pyramid scheme and it made me fight my peers, actually.
So I guess I don't know if that's what a pyramid scheme is supposed to do, but me and my peers fucking lost a bunch of money and then we ended up fighting.
I'd love to know that, actually, if anybody ever done a pyramid scheme and got lost and what the fallout was from it locally.
If you'd hit the hot line with that, I'm curious about that.
985-664-9503 9503.
Running through the house with a pickle in your mouth.
Ain't no Miss Baby.
That shit is wicked, bruh.
That's that hot beat.
So anyway, we'll see, man.
I don't know if a zoo is really going to be.
My buddy said that animals are real hot in Mexico right now.
So, but I don't know.
That just, so we'll see, man, if that's something that I can get more information about.
Because yeah, I did that.
We did glitter when I was young.
Some dude came through, you know, you know, I'm not sure who it was, but rolled through town and got everybody into glitter mining back when people thought glitter was a precious or semi-precious stone.
And they popped and they fucking got us, you know.
So people, you know, I've fellen into some, you know, I've fallen into dark financial waters.
Dude, how is financial waters not a name of a, honestly, a young urban gentleman, bro?
That would be the best name ever.
But yeah, I don't know if zooing, but Annie Malas is real popular, my buddy said down in Meiko.
So we'll see, but I don't know if getting involved in a zoo down there is the best overall use of my earnings.
But it's down in the Kulikan, Kuliakan province.
Kuliakan.
See, he said there's 3.216 million down there, people, and that's as of this year.
But who knows how many of those people are hanging out, staying there?
But yeah, man, you got to think that out of 3.216 million people, you only need how many people at a zoo every week to make it function and make money?
I bet probably 2,000 people.
So if you can't get 2,000 people to go to a new zoo in Mexico out of 3.6 out of 3.216, then are you even a businessman?
That's one of my big questions.
So we'll see, but I'll keep you guys posted.
What else is happening?
Oh, I got the hair.
That's what's been going on.
I'm like, what have I, I haven't been doing much.
I got the hair rejuvenation again.
So, you know, I love surgery and I got it.
So I've been having to chill.
That's been the worst thing.
I've been having to literally do nothing.
And then two days ago, I started getting sick.
So it's been tough having, you know, they took it out the back.
They took a decent crop and they put it up in that front, boy.
So here in the back, here in the front.
So, but it take a while.
They just take the seed.
Now, a lot of people do not know this.
And I've talked about it before on here, but if you do the FUE hair surgery.
Now, I go to this fellow, Dr. Cahan, out here in Beverly Hills.
Fancy guy.
I'm not sure where he's from, dude.
Probably, I don't want to say maybe Middle East, maybe Antarctica.
I'm not sure, dude.
But like kind of darker Antarctica, you know, Antarctica.
You know, he's just, I think it, you know, he's a Beverly Hills guy.
Beautiful man.
And he works in, he worked in transplantary long before, you know, in actual organ transplantation.
And now he does hair.
So what they do, they shave the back.
They take about maybe one out of every 12 hairs out of the back or 30 hairs or something.
Dig it out.
They have a little bitty, it's not like a shovel, but it's pretty much like a little bit, like a little, you know, Uncle Baby Billy shovel.
And they just, I mean, they just run through the house with a pickle in their mouth pulling hairs out of your dome, out of your back dome, back of your head, rear, you know, out of that fucking, out of that big half dome in the back, out of that free solo freaking back piece, you know?
So they pull them out and then they dig little bitty holes in the front and they have two nurses that come, take the hairs from the back, put them in the front, and that's how it goes.
Took about four or five hours.
They give you valiums.
So I started watching El Camino and then I woke up like an hour and a half later and I was watching a soap opera.
So I don't even know what the hell happened.
But El Camino didn't seem that good, honestly.
But so I did that, did that dirty trick and now it has been recovering.
The hard part is you can't do anything active.
So you can't do gym.
You can't do yoga.
You have to sleep at a 45 degree angle like a shitty, you know, like someone who's supposed to do, you know, like that chubby guy on the Night's Watch or whatever that guy's name is.
It's not Eldred, but you know what I'm talking about?
The guy who's taking care of somebody else's baby, Smee or whatever, Smeagel?
Not Smeagel.
But yeah, you sleep at a 45-degree angle.
You know, like kind of like a fucking, like a semi-alert person, I guess.
Like somebody who sleepwalks, but is lazy, so they're not even doing it.
So that's the tough part.
You got to stack the pillows at a certain angle.
You got to get the ruler.
you can do a thing on your phone now that shows you what angles are.
So you got to get that 45-degree angle.
So I sleep at that bastard.
And today was the first day I could wash the back of the hair and just pour a little water on the front.
And that's been six or seven days, five, six, five, six days.
So on Tuesday, I'll be able to resume, I think, some yoga and some just moving around.
But it sucks because you get stagnant.
You get stagnant.
And that's what hasn't been good for me.
I don't like being stagnant because when I'm not moving, the things around me, I can be affected.
You know, things can get me more.
The world can get me more when I'm not moving.
And so that's when, you know, I think for me, it's tough.
And that's when I get caught thinking more about, honestly, more about the dark arts because you're just right there.
You know, if a vulture is flying by and they got a meat that's sitting right there, just a sitting meat, then it's, and they have one meat that's rolling down the hill, you know, a meat in motion.
Then that bird's going to get that sitting meat, that SM.
And that's what I feel like.
And that's why I think it's just with this time of year and this much, you know, energy in the air, it's like, man, I just want to get moving again so I can, you know, get out of some of these shadows and stuff and just make sure I stay in the light, brother.
Or I can be part of the good stuff.
So yeah, I got the FUE hair transplantation.
It's my second time.
Did I need it?
Probably not.
But, you know, I don't spend money on much and I like having hair.
You know, I like having it.
Now, one scary thing, the flow, they inject your scalp with a bunch of different saline solution and a bunch of stuff to numb the pain.
Well, this junk starts at the second day and third day, you don't notice it, but then on the fourth day, your forehead swells up.
Then the swelling rolls down your face and you start to get swollen around your eyes, nose, cheek.
If you're on the YouTube, I'll include some photos.
You know, because I like to be candid about it.
I mean, I look like a panther.
I look like a white panther.
I look like a kind of like somebody, a fat snake that's kind of dumb a little at one point.
I look like a fire boy, a boy that had been maybe not in a fire.
Well, maybe like a boy who'd been in like a medium kind of fire.
And no disrespect to anybody that's in a fire or has been.
You know, at least you've been in the fire, bruh.
A lot of people are afraid to even fucking step outdoors if things is getting real heaty.
And at least you've been in the fire.
What else do we have here?
I got a cold, man.
I'm still getting over this.
Man.
This message came in to me on Instagram.
This boy.
This is from...
This boy said, El Raton, if someone is trying to dress up like you for Halloween, what are some essentials?
Well, first of all, I think you got to have...
Gang, bruh.
And after that, I think you need to.
I'd go with body oil.
I'd go with the Rat King attire.
I'd go with body oil, at least one strap.
You want to be strapped up.
I think you need to have the dark glasses.
You need to have that straight up, that Uncle Baby Billy backsplash, that long hair in the back.
You know, that dirt curtain, boy.
If this neck's a knocking, don't come a rocking.
You feel me?
You need to have decent attitude.
Nothing more than that.
You know, you don't have to be real fired up or keyed up.
You got to just know that, hey, you know, you fucking beat Crystalia twice.
That's all you got to know, boy.
And that's the whole outfit.
And go out there and have a loved one, you know, preferably female, keep putting baby oil on you.
And you can put the baby oil on your face as well.
If you don't have baby oil, you could use Crisco or butter, unsalted butter, stick butter.
I prefer the stick, bro.
Go straight into your skin.
I don't like the fucking margarine.
You got to rub it in.
Get somebody to just rub that fuck.
Just get somebody to rub that hot stick on you.
And the stick will heat up the more you rub it on your body.
Because that's one of the internal powers of butter.
So that's one of, you know, nature's beauties right there.
But yeah, what else, dude?
We got the hair.
We got the business opportunity.
El bismes.
Apertunidad.
We got what else?
We got some calls that came in.
We got some new merch that's going to come out at the beginning of next week.
A lot of cool stuff if you're thinking about Christmas gifts or anything like that at theovan.com slash store.
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And there's no place that it gets spookier for me than in my underpants, boy.
My UPs, boy, them youpers.
Some people say upper peninsula, dude.
I'm talking about under peninsula.
It's Halloween.
There's nothing spookier than showing your peony or your vegette to somebody.
I mean, just think about it, dude.
Is there anything scarier looking than your junk?
Probably not.
So it's that time of year where you could really, really get it right.
Meundies, they are offering spooky, soft junk covers.
Yep.
They're designed to be the best thing you've ever put on your body.
Softer than a fluffy kitten running around your nuts.
I mean, dang, softer than the brains that zombies like to eat.
Or also, some of these brains, zombies are on keto, so they won't eat your brain if you've been thinking about potato chips.
The softest hundies, they run extra small to 4XL.
Miundies has the most unique prints out there.
One fun thing to do would be to jump into bed at the end of the night and trick-or-treat one last time in your freaking, in your buddy's underpants, in your buddy's fucking little junk drawer around their booty.
If you don't like leaving your house, that's cool.
Just wear the Halloween costumes to pass out candy and you're good.
Miundies has those as well.
They got the Meundies, those onesies, bruh.
It's a no-brainer because they have 100% satisfaction guaranteed.
Dude, if you put on a bunch of Meundies, you're satisfied.
To get 15% off your first pair, free shipping, and 100% satisfaction, go to meundies.com slash weekend.
That's M-E-U-N-D-I-E-S dot com slash weekend and get those Uncle Baby bottom hitters.
You feel me?
Get them hitters, baby.
Take care of your crotch and everything.
I'm going to pick some up.
They got some great ones.
Pumpkins, little lanterns, this and that.
People, get it right.
You know what I was also thinking?
Let's check in.
Before we get to the hotline, let's check in.
You guys remember Danielle the Virgin?
And she had virginity.
And then she didn't have it.
And it's been a year since we communicated with her.
And we're glad that people have, you know, or someone at that time had been inside of her body.
And there's nothing more haunting than letting someone in your body.
Think about it.
I mean, you can go a lot of places.
You can just walk right in.
But if you just walk right into somebody's body, a lot of times it's illegal.
So to let somebody get in your body, that's very, there's nothing more haunting than that.
That's a real, I'm going to haunt you for a couple of seconds with this wean or with, you know, I'm going to drape this vegeta over you and haunt your little, you know, haunt your little Peter area.
You get it?
So it's been a year now that Danielle has allowed her body to be haunted by others.
And so let's check in with her right here.
to see how it's going.
PHONE RINGS Hello.
Hey, Danielle.
Yeah, hey.
Hey, what's up?
It's Theo from this past weekend.
Yes, yeah, hi.
How are you?
I'm doing pretty well.
We're just, how are you doing, actually?
We're just thinking, I was thinking, actually, I try to blame it on other people, but that it's been a year since we had the Danielle the Virgin call.
Yes, yeah.
And what a year, you know.
Yeah.
How's it been?
It's been good.
It's actually at the time of the initial call, I lived in Savannah, and now I live in D.C. So that's been a nice change of scenery.
Look, you get some D, and then you want to add letters to it, you know?
Sure, yeah.
What took you over there to DC?
Well, I'd been thinking of moving for a while, and actually kind of the catalyst was the guy that I was dating, the V-Taker, if you will, didn't end so well.
So like when that ended, I was like, well, I'm going to get the heck out of Dodge, you know?
Yeah.
And how's the sexualness been once you got over to DC?
Is it different?
What's from Savannah to DC?
It's a little bit weirder up here, to be honest.
It's a little bit harder to find people.
I find that a lot of them are already married or just kind of like self-absorbed in a way.
So the dating scene is a bit harder, but you know, it's not that hard.
Well, it's not that hard to get somebody to just fall into your body if you need them to, I guess.
Yeah, not too hard when you really try.
Yeah.
Do you feel any different now that you're part of the sexual community?
I guess.
I mean, I feel like I'm kind of in on, you know, like a secret.
Although I guess it's not a secret, like the majority of people have sex, so it's like the worst kept secret.
Yeah.
But yeah, I just kind of like, I get what it's about.
I feel like there's a new topic of discussion that can be had that I've been involved in.
So yeah.
I like that.
Yeah.
It's, you know, have you learned, like, what have you learned about sex?
Do you feel like anything?
I don't even, because I don't know shit.
I've been doing it barely, you know, for a long time, but I've been doing it.
I mean, learned.
I mean, it's just kind of like a natural thing, you know, there's only so many things you can do.
Yeah.
But I mean, learned.
Not really, honestly.
Yeah.
Yeah, no.
Learned.
I'm trying to think.
I mean, not really.
I think it's just kind of you go with the flow.
I mean, I guess there's like obviously positions and stuff like that, but I think it's just that matter.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, yeah, it's like, are we on land?
Are we, you know, what's, you know, it's very, there's only so much humans can do without, you know, being, you know, having, you know, gasoline involved or getting re, you know, somebody jumping off a damn building or something, you know?
Yeah.
There's, yeah, so many, there's only so many safe options.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And do you, have things escalated now?
Are you, have you joined any sexual groups?
Have you, did you then want to get into like threesomes and stuff like that?
Has it gotten pretty, has it gotten kind of spooky or anything?
I can't say I've done any of that.
Okay.
But spooky.
I mean, I guess, so I mean, the first time we spoke, you talked about like butt action and that has happened.
So I just feel like all have been checked.
So that's a thing.
Yeah.
And so was that something that you brought upon yourself or was that something that was initiated by a young man?
It was, he says accidentally initiated, but I don't believe that.
Yeah, I didn't believe that for a second.
I was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, keep going.
Oh, wow.
But yeah, so I was just like, let's not talk about this because it's already happening.
So let's just keep with the flow.
Okay.
So yeah, that was.
Well, that escalated quickly.
It really did because it was within like three weeks with the same, the guy who like, it was the same person that typical guy, dude.
Yeah, just wanted it all.
Oh, I'll tell you this.
I'm a guy, and that's how it goes.
Okay.
Yeah.
You know?
Well, I guess that's something I learned.
They just want it all.
Well, we'll mill around your vagina for a couple weeks until we accidentally try to fall into your butt, you know?
Yeah.
And then sometimes it works.
Yeah, and sometimes it works.
Well, dang, so do you, do you wish you were still a virgin or are you okay?
I'm fine.
You know, it is what it is.
I mean, it's better not being one.
I mean, I'm having more fun.
Yeah.
So.
Yeah, and it looks like you kind of took it, you know, it's like you kind of ran, you know, it's like, you don't want to be, because how old are you now?
26. Yeah.
Yeah, I don't think I have a friend, I think, who got married, and she might be like 40 or something.
She's a virgin.
And at that point, it's like, you kind of scare, it's, you know, you're starting to scare people some.
Yeah, I mean, I felt that way at 25, so I can only imagine what it is, you know, at 40. That's a lot.
At 40, I think you just save it, go back to heaven.
Yeah, at that point, it's like, let's get all the brownie points with Jesus.
Yeah.
Wow.
So one year out there on the sex circuit, Danielle.
That's beautiful.
Yeah, you know, one year down, hopefully many to come.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You can fuck for at least or do sex or whatever you want to do for at least probably 40 years, I bet.
Gee, 40. Well, yeah, I guess.
Unless, you know, barring any tragedy.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, I hope it doesn't happen.
What are you going to be for Halloween?
What am I going to be for Halloween?
Besides a real tramp, you feel me?
Just joking.
You know, I'm not a huge Halloween person, but whoa, definitely.
You have to be.
I mean, if you're doing butt activities with somebody, that's Halloween, basically.
You have to be in Halloween.
Halloween is basically the butt sex of the calendar.
But that's, gosh, that's such a great way to put it.
But I guess since I celebrate it like regularly, it's like not a big, not a big deal the day of, you know?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
You're unbelievable.
But it's so good to hear.
You sound good.
Is everything going okay?
Yeah, it's going good.
It's just night.
It's nice Sunday evening here in D.C. So yeah, it's going pretty well.
Yeah, just, you know, 20-year-old or in my 20s, living life, you know.
Yeah, staying damp.
Staying damp out there in those meat streets, huh?
Yeah, you said it.
Well, good luck to you.
And just don't get into doing any wild drugs or anything Like that, that's when it can get really, really wild, you know?
Oh, no.
I think, I mean, that's already happened.
Oh, damn.
Yeah, sorry.
Well, let you down there.
How about this?
Hey, stay alive.
Try and stay alive if you can.
Yes.
I will do that.
I love it to the best of my ability.
And it's nice to hear your voice, Daniel.
I hope you have a good day, and I'm glad you've had a safety of decent sex, you know, or semi-decent.
Thank you so much, Theo.
I appreciate it.
Yep.
Good luck out there, and I hope to see you in the future.
Awesome.
Thank you.
I'm looking forward to whenever you get Maryland rescheduled.
Yes, so am I. I've had a lot of people asking about it.
I think it's going to be at the very end of January.
But I'll let you know soon.
Oh, awesome.
That sounds great.
Yeah.
Yeah, we'll put it on the books or something this week, I think.
So, well, have a good Sunday evening, and I'll talk to you later.
Thank you, Eututhio.
Bye.
All right, Danielle.
Bye.
And just like that, and just like that, people are coming into the back door of our lives.
The spirits are out there.
They'll find any way into you through your face, through your eyes, through your snout, through your buttocks.
Wow.
It escalates quickly, doesn't it?
That's okay, man.
That's okay.
She sounds like she's doing well, though.
She sounds like she's doing well.
And so I'm glad that she answered.
Thank you, Danielle.
Let's take a couple of calls here that hit the hotline.
985-664-9503.
Hey, Theo, this is Terry.
Just calling in because I was watching your show.
Thanks for calling in, Terry.
And I would love to tell you that that's my favorite name, but it is not.
But that has nothing to do with you as a human.
You're different than your name onward.
Dude, a guy named Griffin called in about his girlfriend breaking up after a while.
I just wanted to reach out to him and let him know that things get better.
And it's just going to take a little time.
But there's light at the end of the tunnel, dude.
You just got to look for it.
And focus on yourself right now.
For a while, you haven't been able to focus on yourself because you've been in a relationship, but now you've got full attention to yourself, and you can really improve on some things.
And life gets a lot better, man.
I promise.
Alrighty.
And, you know, thanks for calling with that, Terry.
And that's a good suggestion, too.
And when you're in a relationship, you can't see you.
It's hard because you got that accomplice.
You know, you got that human side, that human, you know, you got that adjacent human.
And you can't see.
You can't just see you.
I mean, it's hard because when you look in the mirror, both of you guys are there.
You're together.
It's a team.
And, you know, it's tough.
It's tough to know what's a good relationship.
What's a safe amount of them involved in you?
What's a healthy amount, not safe, but how healthy is it?
I mean, look, I struggle so much in this space.
I don't even.
I think it's nice that this call came in, though.
So that, I mean, that's amazing to me that somebody's struggling and that that many calls came in for him.
Here's another one that came in.
Thank you, Terry.
Hope you guys have a good day.
B.O., what's up?
It's your boy Mark in the Sacramento area of California.
Right now, I'm listening to your podcast that just dropped, and a young man with a shaky, broken voice is talking about losing a relationship for three and a half years.
Yeah, that's Griffin that called in.
And thanks for calling in, brother, from Sacramento.
And Sacramento, the home of the missing people, actually.
A lot of missing people up there in that area.
So I hope you're, you know, you know, you know, you're checked in with others.
Almord?
And taking ownership like he ought to, and that's good.
I'd like to give him some advice as a guy that's going through some really bad times in his own marriage.
First of all, go ahead and grieve.
Cry.
Don't get drunk, and don't go and score.
Don't go out and chase time.
Don't do that.
Just grieve.
Grieve.
Cry.
Process this.
And after you've done that, go get a counselor and just start talking to someone once a month and just deal with your stuff.
Be honest.
Be transparent.
Be ugly honest.
Deal with your issues because when love comes around again, you need to have this stuff in check.
And you can do it, bro.
You absolutely can.
Gang, man.
Thank you there.
I think that was Mark.
Leo, what's up?
It's your boy, Mark.
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you very much, Mark, for that call.
Man, that stuff resonates with me, too.
What you're saying, Mark, because, you know, I find that I carry the same problems from my past and I continue to carry them into my future, man.
Thank you.
You know, and it's like, I don't know.
I just sometimes think I would be able to learn a little bit better, even for me.
And I know that this young man is struggling, and I think that this is a good suggestion.
Find somebody to talk to and be brutally honest.
You know, so no, we don't want to be brutally honest, man.
I don't.
You know, we don't want to be brutally honest.
How scary would it be to just tell, just to be just.
It's crazy.
We will live our lives in lie.
We will live our lives in lie.
We will lie before we'll be brutally honest.
I will.
I have.
And that's the dark arts, man.
And it's crazy 'cause the dark arts, a lot of times, it's our truth.
And they're really the brightest thing in the room.
But the things that separate us from them or the things that we choose instead of them are the ways that we satiate.
Thank you.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Just got a little lost there, but...
Ah...
But yeah, that's a good suggestion.
Is that if there were real issues in your relationship, Griffin, then you can, yeah, if you would, here's the thing.
You'll take the same ones into the next relationship.
That's not going to change.
That's not going to change.
You know, I see my therapist about different issues that I have, and sometimes I don't want to fight them.
I don't want to battle them.
I'm tired, man.
Sometimes I am.
I don't want to do it.
I don't want to do the hard work sometimes.
I know what it is.
I know it's right there.
But sometimes it's just, it's hard, man.
Sometimes it's hard.
And the scary thing is some of the truths, we don't even know what they are, but we can just feel them.
We can feel them milling around behind the corner, behind our shoulders, you know.
But take care of yourself.
Do your best.
Griffin, you know, keep people out of your butt.
That's always a safe place to start.
And, you know, and that's what we just, we deal with in the meantime.
You know, we deal with in the meantime.
Because a lot of life is that.
It's in the meantime.
What do we do before, you know, just take care of yourself right now.
And you got some fellas, a lot of people that reached out with suggestions.
So thank you to everybody that called in.
Here's a call that came in to the hotline.
Onward.
What's going on, young gunner?
What's up, Playboy?
Get at me, Daddy.
Gang, gang.
This is Dylan Armstrong out of Barnum, Texas.
DA down in Barnum, bro.
Fuck with me.
I'm 25. I do pest control.
I've been doing it for about two years.
Praise God, brother.
PG, son.
PTL, baby, praise the Lord.
And damn, I hate a pest, bruh.
I hate a past.
So just knowing that you out there, bruh, just skit, skick.
Just gunning these little fucking Muppets down.
Because a pest will do anything, bro.
You close the door, pest come right up under that bitch.
You have a couple bananas out in the morning, and they got six or seven little flies on that bitch trying to suck it off.
What?
Like, damn, man.
They don't stop.
You come home sometime, you have a couple roaches over there listening to your stereo, bruh.
And they fucking, they don't care.
They're doing coke off your iPad.
It never ends, boy.
These pests, bruh.
You know?
You know, you'll be over at your window when a couple Antifa try to sneak in that bitch, bruh.
Get them.
Drown them out, boy.
Hit them with a little bit of fucking WD-40 or something.
You know, or a little bit of Roundup Ready, bruh.
So I'm glad to know guys like you are out there.
Onward.
You know, like six, seven years ago, I was, you know, cooking at Sonic.
And so from then on, coming up to this, you know, time now, seven years later or whatever, I've been constantly trying to better my goals and get a better job and all that stuff.
Amen, man.
So for, yeah, if you're cooking at Sonic and now you're doing pest control, man, it's good because you're taking, you know, it's definitely more job where you're out there interacting with people now.
You know, you have much more responsibility with pest control because you got to show up.
You got to have the chemicals mixed.
You got to have your appointments on target.
Sonic, who gives a fuck, dude?
You in there shooting up.
Somebody wants a muffin.
You show up to the front of the register and deal with that bitch.
You know, unless they still doing the roller skates or whatever.
I haven't been there in a while.
But if you got a, you know, you got to cherry ice a couple of motherfuckers out there, you know, and you got them roller skates on, bruh.
I mean, I don't know how Sonic even stayed in business with the roller skates.
Shut it down, man.
Because people, you know, you got $1.60, $150 sandwich, and somebody's trying to fucking R-skating that bitch out the door.
The chance of them dying or getting hurt or breaking their neck for $1.50, you know, little stacker, this the insurance has got to be through the roof.
And especially some of the Sonics, bro, they in dangerous neighborhoods.
So you fucking, you got that cherry lime, you know, and a handful of fucking snack poppers.
And you trying to sneak out, you know, you trying to, you on wheels and you ducking fucking bullets.
You know, it's just shit gets real shifty out there when you're trying to Sonic up.
And they got them two, you know, you know, those two men, those, you know, couple of, you know, those two gay gentlemen, they're beautiful guys, on doing all the commercials.
And they over there fucking hiding from their wives and putting poppers in each other's mouths or whatever, dude.
And you could tell the one guy's on uppers, the little white one, he's on, he's on some type of a little, you know, dust poppers or something, and he hits it right when he catches that, you know, when he catches that back door fucking stage pipe.
So it's, you know, you know what I'm saying, bro.
It is what it is, man.
But I'm glad you're staying busy, dude.
I'll tell you this about pest controls.
I used to like when the mosquito truck would come, man.
God, that shit was Christmas, bro, for my lungs and brain.
Because when that mosquito truck would roll through, and I grew up down there, you know, in that rural area.
Skeet, skit, where they got skeeters.
We'll have skeeters, a lot of skeeters from even different countries would come and do summer homes in our area.
And so, you know, a lot of when that mosquito truck, the city once a year, maybe like six times a year, they would spray something out of the back of a van.
And sometimes it was like this spray gun.
And sometimes it was just, you know, a couple bad bitches and a gay gentleman back there with a, you know, a couple bad bitches with a just some spray canisters of it.
And they just holding the van.
They just rolling down the street through, you know, repellent, they called it, repellent, repellent.
And we would ride our bikes behind that, just nose first, boy.
Just catching that hit.
Ski ski.
Bro, there was nothing better than that free high out there.
You know, people that wasn't even living, they would be in a coffin and their fucking cousins pushing them down the street, catching that fucking, that freaking hot hit off the city, bro.
That skeeter hit.
You know?
That replant, boy, that shit.
God, dude.
Dude, after half a block, I didn't fucking know who I was anymore.
Dude, I remember after two blocks, I'd enlist in the damn military, bruh.
Told him my name was Benedict Arnold one time and tried to enlist, bro.
So I'm just saying, this, you know, pest control is a beautiful, I'd say it's a premier position in a lot of areas.
So let's, sorry, I'm rambling, man.
Let's go on.
And with you being where you're at, how you have so much stuff going on all at once, I was just kind of wondering, does it ever get to a time or do you ever get to experience kind of just chill time?
Because, man, like I said, I've been going for about seven years straight and I'm constantly trying to get, you know, better opportunities.
And it's kind of hard to sit back and enjoy it.
Anyway, man, keep doing what you're doing.
Gang, gang.
Gang, brother.
Thanks for listening too, man.
I really appreciate that.
You know, I worry sometimes.
I don't ever want to be, you know, I just want to be the same.
I want to be.
I want to always know.
I'm just glad that you listen.
Thank you.
You know, I've noticed this.
Some people, you just always are going to find the next thing.
And that's just who you are.
You're always going to find the next thing.
Soon as I got here, now I want to know here.
Okay?
Now I got to this stair.
Now I want to go.
And that's just, it's just built into you.
You know, relaxation for you is almost, you know, it's, it's, well, not relaxation, but ambition.
Some people ambition.
Okay, I'm talking about something different.
I'm realizing ambition.
That's never going to change if you have ambition.
If you start at one job and you find yourself wanting to do another job and then you start to see, okay, now I have this kind of skill set mastered.
Now, how do I, you know, buy my own pest control company?
Or how do I, you know, how do I get myself two pest control trucks on my own and then just, you know, and a couple employees and, yeah, basically starting your own pest control company.
How do I go from being an employee to being an employer?
And that's ambition.
I don't think that ever leaves you.
I think that thing just stays.
That was put in you.
That's a pilot light that was lit into you by the Lord or by your family or by somebody who threw a match into your fucking asshole as a child, you know?
And that never changes.
But I believe that sometimes we have to slow it down.
And, you know, this year I really have struggled with that, man.
I got in over my head with busyness.
And I was just stressed out, man.
And so I've had to slow it down.
I've had to just cut back on the responsibilities.
You know, we've had less guest episodes on the podcast.
I had to take some comedy dates off the books.
And I was going to lose my mind.
I was losing my hair.
And your hair, bro, your hair is just a soft strands of roof right out of your mind.
So I knew if that shit was falling out the next thing to fall, my fucking brain, bro.
You know, I go to bust a hard fart or something and my brain's in the toilet.
I mean, it just, the propensity for me to continue to do well at the point of stress that I was personally feeling was really tough.
Let me listen to the end of your question one more time.
I've been going about seven years straight and I'm constantly trying to get better opportunities and it's kind of hard to sit back and enjoy it.
Anyway, man, keep doing it.
It is hard to sit back and enjoy it.
And you kind of don't in a way.
You know, I notice a little bit a lot of the work.
Some of us are because I was never really that great at enjoying things anyway.
And that's part of my alcoholism for me.
My alcoholism always wants, it's got to be the next thing.
You know, I'd be at a party and it would be the party, and I'd hear a rumor.
I'd even fucking make up a rumor.
I'd hear a rumor there was a better party somewhere.
And I started probably that rumor.
When I got to that party, I'd start a rumor, hey, there's a much better party over.
Then an hour later, that party would come.
That rumor would hit me at the same party.
Hey, man, I'd be like, fuck, man, we gotta go to that party.
And I just, there was nothing was ever good enough because I was never okay.
So just never okay was my thing.
And so I couldn't enjoy things.
I could never really enjoy something.
And some of us, you just might be that way.
Your joy may come from staying busy.
It may be the place where you feel best.
Now, if you do find yourself real stressed out, you got to take something off the docket, man.
And as far as new opportunities and growth and jobs and stuff, I noticed those things happen for me as I would do something new.
Now you're working in pest control, which first of all, thank you, bro.
People don't think how much pests is out there.
And people don't think that every morning they got, you know, 2,000, 3,000, 7,000 MFers out there, beautiful MFers, sorry.
Going out there to fight pests, bro.
Dude, what?
That's insane, bro.
Jesus.
I mean, there's no greater battler of the dark arts than somebody who's fighting pests.
Think about different pests, dude.
Bats, snakes, attack snakes, roaches, vermin.
Never ends.
Pests, vague.
Could be anybody, bruh.
It could be illegal aliens, dude, in some areas, okay?
But, you know, the term pest is insane.
Could be somebody sneaking down your chimney, trying to steal a log or fucking, you know, knock your wife up or whatever.
You know, people, you know, people come in your house for different reasons, but nobody think about how much a pest a man, how thank you is what I'm saying.
Thank you for your service, dude.
Because nobody thinks about that.
Bro, you guys sleep in for a couple of weeks, the fucking world will be overrun with spiders, scorpions, mana rays, what am I thinking of?
Fucking can't think of it.
Everything.
But here's what I was saying.
What I noticed was once I started to work in new circles and get a little bit higher, then I was communicating with people who are working in new circles.
So once I thought I was just a comedian, then I was like, oh, now I'm doing a podcast.
Now I'm talking with other people that are doing podcasts.
So now they know more information.
And I can ask them, hey, how did you get from here to here?
What do I need to do that?
So it's tough to know if you're talking about ambition or if you're talking about overworked.
If you're being overworked, man, and I don't know if you ever will enjoy it.
Because ambition sometimes keeps us from enjoying things in some ways.
It keeps me.
Because I'm always finding that next horizon.
Even if I don't want to, I think ambition is something that is just in you sometimes.
I don't know if it's really a choice a lot of times.
But it's funny.
I do think certain experiences will unlock because I didn't know I had really that much ambition sometimes, I don't think.
But I'll say this, man, thank you for your service and keep going.
You know, it's always, okay, now I'm an employer and then, okay, somebody's in, I'm an employee.
How do I find out how do I be that employer?
Or how do I see, you know, who's the guy that brings the chemicals to the pest control every week?
Who's that guy?
Because I really like his job.
I really like what he does.
That's a field I really could see myself in.
Or who's the guy that sells the pest control companies, the two people, you know, who sells a, I can't think of what it's called, franchise.
Who's the guy who sells the franchises to different people?
That's another, that's a, see, it just, you know, as you get up the little, as you get up the ladders, you'll see, you just, you can see more.
You can see different views.
And the ladders are there for everybody.
I believe that, man.
I really do.
Here's a call that came in, 985-664-9503.
Hey, Theo, it's Mike from By Dubuque, trying to be a farmer, but kind of struggling, you know, farming.
Oh, thank you, Michael.
And thank you for calling in, man.
You know, I used to work on a soybean corn and cotton farm over in Natchez, Mississippi.
Actually, I worked for the father of the man whose song we heard on the way in, Shine by Bishop Gunn, was that song.
And his father employed me over there on the banks of the Mississippi.
Homeward.
Kind of struggling.
You know, farming can't pay the bills anymore.
Until you become pretty much a super farmer.
Farm 1,000 acres instead of 40 acres.
My brother, he's already successful.
Farms 1,500, and he gets to do his dream.
And I want to keep to the dream too for myself.
Trying to juggle it with work.
Work 60 hours a week as it is and try to get time off to farm.
And I had to go into a meeting with my boss, and he said he won't allow it.
So I don't know if I should die ted first and just start farming and live off ramen.
Or if I keep my job, it tastes really good.
You know, it might not be successful because I'm not all in.
It's on the side.
And I don't know.
If you got any advice on what to do, I'd appreciate it.
And if you ever want to do some farming, come up here.
Gang, bruh.
I'll come up there, dude.
I'll grow about 700 acres of cocaine, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
You feel me, dude?
Or that grocaine, you feel me, boy?
You know what I'm talking about?
That sucracano, papa, that sugar cane.
That straight ball, baby, you got it.
The James Harden of the garden, son.
This shit'll cross you over.
This shit'll just have you double dribbling your own ideas, boy.
That's that hitter.
And I got that from Maui right there.
Some of y'all know that.
I mean, you want to talk about Mother Nature's land, Dandruff, baby, you got it?
This thing will have you beat in the street with your snout, son.
That's that hitter.
Bamboo by the Gramboo?
This is that sukra de caño, caño del sucra.
You know, you throw this and a and a and a drug addict will come back with it in his mouth.
And you can stay off of cocaine and stay off on that grocaine, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
This that that fucking scary potter dog.
Petrificus Totalis.
This uh, dude, look.
Man, I'll, ooh, you saw it looking for me, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
I'll suck your stick, bruh.
Ooh.
You know, that's tasty, man.
Oh, that's tasty.
And only nature offers that sweet, you know?
But yeah, this also can do diabetes to you as well if you have too much of it, you know?
This should have put the bead in diabetes, dude.
This give you that hiabetes, dog.
You know, you'd be, you know, kind of just, you know, blowing your neighbor for a couple of, you know, for a little bit of that gram boo.
You feel me, gang, bruh.
But what I'm saying is, man, don't do drugs.
You know, there's safer drugs out there.
Now, sugar is just as addictive, I will say it, but you never really seen a dude blowing a guy for a Cinnabon.
So, you got to think about that, you know, big picture.
And only in Maui do they have such a beautiful creature.
And other places.
Actually, Louisiana also has this Vietnam as well.
But only really unique and special spots can offer, you know, can the land just make such a damn drug?
And God dang, it's beautiful, though, when you see sugar in its natural form, isn't it?
You don't think about it like this, do you?
You don't think every time you bite a cookie that there's a little bit of forest in it, do you?
That Mother Nature's just lurking inside of that cookie.
And about to get you, get you asticted.
And you're about to be her little cookie bitch and that's sugar cane boy and girl.
Sorry.
Whew, that thing gets me fired up, dude.
You know, natural sweets get me fired up.
But thank you for that opportunity to come over there and farm.
I really appreciate that, man.
I want to say this, man.
You know, there comes a time where it's like, yeah, you have to decide.
And you know what?
A lot of people don't do what they really want to do.
You know, the two things that made me happiest, man, in my life, one time, the happiest day I ever had, actually, I know for this for a fact, the happiest time I ever had, I was working at a disabled children farm in India.
And I can't even believe they had this shit.
They had children, you know, doing.
They were disabled and they got them fucking farming and shit.
This shit, it might have been illegal.
I don't know.
But I went there with a school trip and we were supposed to work there and help out.
And we did.
And it was amazing, man.
And it was one day in my life where I just felt, man, I felt a spirit inside of me that was stronger than just me.
I felt something inside of me that was very real.
You know, and I think it was connection.
It was purpose.
You know, it sounds like if your brother's doing farming, then you would always have a way into the industry.
So that's nice.
And it sounds like you also may or just not sure if you want to do it.
You said you said you have a good job right now and it's paying well.
Let me hear in the beginning if you said you wanted.
From Bay Dubuque.
Trying to be a farmer, but kind of struggling.
You know, farming can't pay the bills anymore.
Okay, so farming can't pay the bills unless you're a part of a super farm, you said.
And yeah, it sounds like maybe you just want to be, but you also want to make money.
And it's tough, man.
You know, my brother runs a he runs a premier tree service and landscaping service and really almost an environmental service at this point down in Baton Rouge.
And it's called Biggs, B-I-G-G-Z.
And he started off as a tree cutter.
He was a cutter for someone.
He cut in trees.
And he's got some great stories, man.
He cut into a beehive once.
But then one day he said, oh, okay, why am I working for this guy?
I can be this guy that I'm working for.
So then he became that guy.
And next thing you know, he got the knowledge he needed to go with the job.
And he was a foreman.
And he was running a couple guys who were climbing trees.
And he was then booking the business.
And then he went back to school and got a doctorate.
So now the dude, you know, he's like a damn, you know, he's the Fibonacci of ferns, bro.
I mean, this dude, you know, he's the, who's that guy?
You know, doctor, you know, he's the Cvorkian of fucking of pines and evergreens, bro.
He'll, you know, he just, he knows what he's doing.
So then now he has a bigger business.
And it just, and I say that because you know what I want to be sometimes?
Sometimes I just want to work for my brother.
There's a big part of my heart that just wants to work For him, I want to ride in a truck and I want to go to the work site and I want to do what he needs me to do.
And sometimes I think that that would make me really happy.
Now, I don't know that's the case.
I mean, I also have alcoholism that'll trick your brain into things that will make you happy that won't.
But I think it's a real part of me that wants that.
And that's fair.
That's okay.
You know, that's fair there.
So sometimes we just have a part, you know, it may just be part of you that wants to farm.
It may be something you do later, once you've made enough money to kind of satiate you and make you comfortable.
And then you can get into it more.
But I will say this.
Don't live a life, if you can help it, beating yourself up for not being a farmer.
I think every man in some way wants to be a farmer.
I think every man wants to be a farmer, man.
I think all of us want to grow and create.
And we're at a tough time in the world right now because we're in between in this time where we had so many natural abilities and things we were doing as men.
And then now we don't use those skills as much anymore because they're not as needed.
But for a lot of people, they are still needed.
And it's beautiful out there in Iowa.
Dubuque is beautiful.
I ran into a guy who told me he was a pickpocket right over there by the river, bro.
Truly beautiful, man.
One of my favorite hotels is over there.
It's haunted, too, as well.
But just don't beat yourself up if you're not a farmer right now.
You have a lot of time.
And who knows the way things are going, bro?
It could be the only job available in a couple of years.
You know, it could be the only thing that we're doing.
It could be, you know, that'd be great if we're all out there growing together every day, huh?
Wouldn't it?
There'd be something beautiful about it.
And don't let anybody make you feel bad if you're not a farmer.
You know, that's okay.
Maybe you are working in banking or something, and one day you'll create a business with your brother, and you guys can merge the businesses, and then you can do some farming, actually, because you'll be loaning to his business or something, or you'll be able to do consulting.
You just don't know.
You don't know exactly where you're going to end up.
But I think that we end up a lot of times, most of us do, somewhere near where our heart and our desires want us to be at some point.
I believe that.
Because even our desires and what we want are like these ghosts, kind of, aren't they?
I can always feel a ghost inside of me kind of haunting me with things that would make me truly happy, I think.
And I'm glad you have a brother, man.
That's a beautiful gift.
I'm glad you have a brother.
Let's take one more call right here.
I wanted to get into more, but here, let's see what we can do.
985-664-9503.
1085-664-9503.
Hey, Theo, it's Kevin here from North Suburbs of Chicago.
What's up, Kevin?
Thank you for calling in, man.
And you know, I love Illinois, brother.
My mother was born over there, about 50 miles from Peoria and beautiful state.
Thank you for calling.
And you brought up how, you know, sometimes you drive into Ohio and you get to start masturbating.
Yep.
Yeah, I brought that up, man.
It's kind of tough to hear that back from somebody, and I did that.
You know, I was doing well with, you know, battling the dark arts that had afflicted me.
And next thing you know, I was in Ohio last week, and I just couldn't really help myself onward.
And this past weekend, my dad and I drove to Cleveland for the Browns game.
Oh, nice, man.
Yeah.
That's awesome, bro.
Beautiful city.
And I'll tell you what, man, I hadn't masturbated in some time.
A couple weeks, possibly more.
I don't really take a tally, but as soon as we got in that hotel in Toledo for the night, I found myself in the back.
And you know what I was doing, brother.
So I don't know, man.
Maybe there's something going on.
Appreciate you.
Gang, gang.
Gang, bruh.
You know, that's a good question.
Maybe there's something going on in Ohio.
You know, maybe it makes sense.
You get there to the middle of the country and you want to bust out and you want to bust heavy.
And you want to spray full and you want to fill the land.
You want to farm almost.
You want to plant your freaking American flag right there in the middle of that Ohio.
I don't know.
It's a good question.
I wish we knew where a lot of the masturbation was happening.
And yeah, I've been struggling with it, man.
And it's the pornography that does it.
I don't jerk off for nothing, bro.
It's the pornography that leads me into it.
But yeah, I wonder, I'm glad you told me that because, yeah, I feel less alone from that, man.
So thank you, dude, because there's nothing sadder than thinking you're the only person that's beaten off all the time, you know?
God.
And I thought maybe we'll get into that more next episode.
Yeah, what else, man?
What else?
Let's take a call right here.
What's going on, Theodore?
This is your boy Beanie from Jacksonville, Florida.
What up, BD?
So, my girl was born in Romania, and she goes back there every now and then.
But since we've been together, we haven't spent a single day apart.
Wow.
That's intense, man.
Onward.
Now, she had to go to Romania to get some dental work done, and she's gone for a month.
Damn, bro.
Getting that Romanian D work, huh?
That Rom Michelle fucking front, that Rom Michelle front four defense, bruh.
Gang, Omward.
We're about two weeks in now, and I'm losing my mind.
Boredom has kicked in.
I can't can't wait for her to be back.
So, I know you ain't in a relationship, but you've been in a few.
So, what do you do to curb the loneliness?
To make you feel like you got somebody, even though they're 10,000 miles away.
Anyway, just calling to see your perspective.
Gang, bro.
Man, you know what's funny is that the answers are almost the same things that people were suggesting for Griffin.
It's a good time for you to know yourself.
You You know, it's a good time for you to get to know yourself, man.
It's funny that missing, like when someone else is gone, suddenly when we're just with ourselves, we feel so lonely.
That's the thing that's just always amazing to me.
How lonely I feel when it's just me.
How lonely I feel when it's just me.
That's uh, and that for that for me, that's the thing I'm trying to solve.
Why I feel that.
Why I feel that loneliness when it's just me.
And that, I think, is something we're all trying to solve.
I don't know, man.
Maybe I'm getting too meta or beta.
I don't even know what those words mean, but maybe I'm just, I don't know.
I've been kind of, you know, I haven't been able to move around this week that much.
But, yeah, I think, not to say, you know, I'm glad you called, man, I think, but I think, you know, this is a good time for you to get to know yourself as not someone just who misses their girlfriend or someone who's just half of a relationship.
Who are you?
You know, it's a good question, man.
It's something, you know, we...
It feels like, you know, two generations ago, those men had more of an idea of who they were.
You know, to think that men went off to wars and went off to all these experiences and left their families and gave their lives.
It's just like there's so much.
I don't know.
And now we have all these things that make us, that occupy our time and take away our attention from us getting to know ourselves, really, and each other, really.
So maybe this is a gift where you get to know yourself, man.
And your girl's coming back with that new freaking smile, bruh.
That fucking Romanian, you know, that fucking, you know, that Romanian piano, bruh.
That front piece.
That fucking 6-7 defense, bro.
She's going to be bringing that bitch into your fucking living room.
So.
Thank you guys for tuning in, man.
Thank you guys for tuning in.
Yeah, man.
We don't know.
We're doing our best.
People are jerking off in Cleveland.
You know.
Griffin is trying to get through it.
Somebody's named Terry.
Somebody wants to farm and they walk into an office every day.
You know, some guy's trying to quietly masturbate while his father's in the hotel room next door.
This is where we are, man.
This is where we are as men, I guess, in some ways.
But we're on the come up.
And there's a lot to be learned right now.
The doors are open.
You can have one hand in the future and one hand in the past if you want.
You can have one hand on the Lord and one hand on the devil.
There's a lot going on, and this is the middle ground.
And I believe that.
I really, really believe that.
I'm going to leave you out here with this song by Cole Garat.
And this song is English Gothic.
Thank you guys for being a part of this.
And thank you guys for being a part of my week, man.
This is the best part of my whole week was being right here with you guys.
And gang, gang.
Be good to yourselves.
You deserve it.
And we just keep going.
It's the best we can do for us.
it's the best we can do for others.
Yeah, we just can't get to...
Don't...
You can get still.
That's okay, but just don't get stagnant.
You know?
Sorry, I'm not trying to preach at you.
Just do your best, man.
That's all I'm doing.
Gang, bro.
Gang, bro.
English Gothic by Coley Garot.
Had a little time, little time to stay.
When everything dies, oh, everything turns away I will sing these songs of the Revelation Maybe we'll meet where the sunlight falls apart Night meets night and darkness dark Come and
take me down with a cold embrace Now I don't want to walk by the window for me I don't want to walk with a vows central feet.
I just want to walk inside these dreams hoping that is all it seems.
Gang, bro.
Gang, bro.
I can hear the knives on the stone.
I can hear them distant awful moans.
This is the heart coming home Now I don't wanna walk with the window.
I don't wanna walk where the bubble sets you free.
I just wanna walk inside this place.
The coconut is all it seems Thank
you.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voices today.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Why?
So we are easy to do.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy-bloody white guy.
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
No!
I think Tom Hanks just bugged out me.
Anyway, the first rule of Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
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