Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Thank you to Brian Johnson for his Theo-Lanterns https://instagram.com/BrianJohnsonStudio ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Merch https://theovonstore.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This episode is brought to you by My Bookie Visit https://MyBookie.ag and use promo code THEO to double your first deposit Skillshare Visit https://Skillshare.com/TheoVon to receive 2 months of unlimted classes for free ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Video Hotline Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Halloween Music provided Epidemic Sound https://www.epidemicsound.com/ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patreon Gunt Squad Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alex Wang Alexa harvey Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Annmarie Reilly Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brandon Woolsey Christopher Becking Claire Tinkler Cody Anderson Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dan Draper Dan Perdue Danny Crook David Christopher David Witkowski Dentist the menace Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Doug C Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeffrey Lusero Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kaylyn Dudich Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kirk Cahill Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields Madeline Matthews Mandy Picke'l Marisa Bruno Matt Nichols Meaghan Lewis Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Roma Noah Bissell NYCWendy1 OK Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Robyn Tatu Rohail Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Sean Scott Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Vanessa Amaya Victor I tuck back and sit down to pee Johnson II Vince Gonsalves Vlog Master William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Wouldn't that be scary, dude, if ants, they had a bunch of ants with like little bitty axes, you know?
And they were just like, we want crumbs.
It's Halloween.
It's the time, baby.
What's that?
Oh, that's just a cauldron.
That's a cauldron, bro.
And we had a guy at our school named Cauldron Patterson.
Young urban fella.
Beautiful guy and did a lot of art.
Not art, but he painted like houses and stuff like that.
He ended up getting into house painting.
Happy Halloween.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Somebody getting slapped.
You notice that?
You can hear it's like a cool beep, but then somebody gets slapped every couple seconds.
Right there.
Damn, they beating that person.
Oh, bitch, go.
That's kind of...
They'll slap a damn jawbreaker out of your mouth right there.
That thing.
That's The Werewolf Dance by Martin Landhu.
And that is, I know we've all heard that sound, that beat.
That sounds scary, but also a little bit of domestic dispute kind of tickled in there with the slappy.
Ooh, let's stay haunty today.
Mm-hmm.
That sounds a little like Dexter, like Dexter is going to do some Halloween, you know.
maybe listen.
A little Dexter-y right there.
A little trick or trauma with Dexter.
Could you imagine if Dexter showed up at your door?
Dude, I would.
It wouldn't be good.
What are you going to give him, dude?
You're going to have to give him your soul because that's what he's going to get.
Dude, Dexter was such a good show.
How good was Dexter?
And then you got some other show.
You know, like Larry and Abba Scholar or some bullshit.
What else, man?
let's get into this a little thingy Oh, that's kind of boring.
Here's one.
Let's do this one.
That sounds like somebody about to take their tits out at like a real nice Wendy's or something.
Real upscale Wendy's.
And that means just any Wendy's that has, you know, two doors on it.
Because everybody knows I've been in a Wendy's out here in Los Angeles over there, Santa Monica, and one of the doors is missing.
You know, one of those in-and-out apparatuses, doors is missing off that there Wendy's.
And if Dave Thomas were alive, he would shit in his apron because that's no way to go through it.
Happy Halloween.
That was a little bit of intro music and just, you know, getting people keyed up and everything.
And that's that.
And this is it.
This is it.
We got the studio decked.
If you get to check this out, Nicholas Premature Nick.
And if I don't know if there's anything more, you know, the coffin, you know, that's when the coffin's open.
You know, the thoroughfare is there.
And people can, you know, spirits can come and go as they will.
And a premature baby, and that's what producer Nick, you know, got here early.
He came into the world a little bit early.
And he's doing well.
Early bird gets the worm.
I mean, the guy's doing really, really well.
And he's out of Wisconsin.
He's a Wisconsin man.
And if you get near him, sometimes you can smell a little bit of milk on him or something, you know, just something.
You know, you could definitely, I mean, he'll wake up out of a dead sleep cheering for Aaron Rodgers.
So he is from Wisconsin.
Happy Halloween to you.
I hope this week have everything you want in it.
Some trickery, some ghost.
Dude, when I was young, a ghost was like one of the top costumes.
Some dude would be a ghost.
I remember one guy, this guy, little Carlton, and he didn't have, I don't know, he couldn't walk that good.
Or he didn't want to.
Honestly, bro, he was lazy.
So he didn't, you know, we'd all be walking somewhere and he would kind of just kind of give up and just stand, you know.
He preferred to stand or lay down.
Or sometimes my friend Shep, this big guy, he would carry him.
And I remember, what was I talking about?
I don't even remember, man.
But I'm going to have me a little snicker, boy.
You know that.
Dude, I've already had two.
Happy Halloween to you.
They got the ghosts are going to be out.
They got, and they got a lot of different ghosts.
Now, oh, that's what I was saying.
When I was young, they had rare, you know, limited costumes.
Very limited.
And Carlton one time, I remember this dude was a transmission.
That's what he was.
And he put some type of metal or something on him and poured motor oil all over himself.
And we were like, dude, what the fuck, man?
But he was a beautiful, beautiful kid, had real beautiful cheeks on him.
You know, sometimes on a child, it's almost like the Lord just fucking Botoxed them with, you know, just put like a, just a, some warming, just a little bit of lava or something in their cheeks.
And Carlton had that.
He had beautiful ass cheeks too.
And I wish he wouldn't have been so lazy because more people would have seen his cheeks.
But when you're that lazy, you don't run across as many people as you should because you're not out making the rounds of the world.
Oh, yeah.
Spooky.
Boo.
I wonder what sound I would make if I'm dying, bro.
If I'm dying, dude, I'm not making like a...
Ugh.
I don't know what I would do.
Oh.
Some chicks would be like that, probably, dude.
Some of these thoughts out here, you know, some of these franken thoughts out here, they'd be like, I hope we go to heaven.
You know, what would your last sound be?
You'd think, if you had a last sound, what would it be if you had a really, because it's your last, the last noise you're going to make in the world, the last thing that's going to reverb out of you.
What would yours be, you think?
Girr.
That's dumb.
That's a bad one.
Oh.
That's a tough one.
That's not that tough.
You got to have a tougher one than that.
Nah, nah.
That might be good.
But if people, if you do that, you're probably not going to die if you have that much energy to do that sound.
So it would have to be a soft, maybe like a little whistle or something, like a maybe a dog runs over.
That's kind of beautiful at the end.
You lay there and you drip, you know.
And then the dog runs over.
I remember in college, I got fired from radio station for blowing a dog whistle.
You know, one of those dog whistles that only dogs can hear, allegedly.
I mean, who knows if they fucking can, but I got fired for blowing one of those on the radio station all the time because people would complain, you know, like, I can't listen to Foo Fighters, you know, because my damn Labrador hates your audio network, you know?
Oh, I can't even listen to this dang.
You know, I'm trying to call in and get y'all to play some juvenile.
You know, I'm trying to play back that ass up.
We out here at my godcousin's funeral.
And we trying to play back that ass up.
And they got, you know, and they got six stray dogs showing up over here on the dance floor.
So I don't know, man.
Y'all need to tighten up over there.
And that's what it is.
What did I do this weekend, this past weekend, man?
Thank you guys for being here today.
I do want to tell you some dates that just are coming up.
Very excited.
Lafayette, Louisiana, December 26th at the Hyman Performing Arts Center.
And a portion of the proceeds to go to Dustin Poirier's Good Fight Foundation.
Very excited to see that.
Dude, Dustin called out, you know, Nate Diaz on, it was hilarious.
He's in the hospital bed because they took part of his hip or something.
They put him a damn, I mean, I think they're going to replace his hip with a damn chainsaw, bro.
That dude's going to be cutting people's heads off.
He's going to have them, you know, and then he'll probably get a job doing reforestation or timber.
So who knows?
I mean, that dude could be, you know, he could be fighting by day and he could be fighting at night and doing and building, you know, and doing, working at a lumber yard, working over there at DeWalt or something during the daytime.
And he was talking shit to that man, Nate Diaz.
It was hilarious.
That shit was hilarious.
Dude, if you go read their conversation back and forth, it was pretty funny.
But it was also kind of respectful, too.
It was pretty cool.
Yeah, this is it.
This is a great time to get out there, do a costume.
You know, when I was young, they didn't have as many costumes.
A ghost was a popular deal.
Especially in our neighborhood.
You had to get a spare sheet.
You know what I'm saying?
I remember asking for a sheet for my birthday just to save that bastard so I could ghost out, you know.
And some people, you know, a lot of kids, you know, if you had a sheet, a lot of times you didn't really, you know, some people called it more of a bastard drapery because you didn't usually have a daddy or something if he was just out there in a sheet.
I remember one kid would put a sheet on and put like a little rope around his neck, kind of, and he fucking forgot to cut the eye holes into it.
Hell yeah, dude.
Ran outside and got attacked by a bunch of fucking Stray dogs.
So you got to, I mean, Halloween, you got to think, you know, you have to, I mean, cut some face holes and stuff.
But I remember getting in the mask.
Remember, you would put the tight mask on?
It'd be so hard to breathe.
You'd be like trapped in there and that tight ass thing pressed into the back of your head.
That little, and if you have one of them cheap ones, bruh, especially from the, if you got something from like the pharmacy or whatever, your dad got you that little outfit.
I remember my dad one time got me and my brother, he accidentally got us both Raggedy Ann instead of Andy.
And so we were both out there like just a couple of straight up sugar bitches, man, looking for candy going door to door.
Hey, little lady, people saying, I'd be like, I'm a guy, I'm a guy.
I'm a Andy, but I'm just, I got the wrong, you know, suit on.
I got my sister's dress on.
That was the shittiest, man.
Being locked in that damn little fucking face fucking prison.
Dude, that little plastic mask, that bitch cuts into your head.
You try to stick your tongue out the little breathing hole in there.
People dying.
Dude, yeah, you put that thing, that mask on.
You couldn't even breathe.
Sometimes some people die.
Some guy, you know, he put it on.
He died.
Like, damn, bro.
Where's Leonard?
You know?
And he's at the funeral and they got on the death certificate, Raggedy Andy on there, Frankenstein.
They don't even fucking look for his real identity.
Just wild, man.
Different time, you know.
Different time.
Dude, I remember one time when I was at Halloween, my dad had gotten, you know, because my father was senior citizen.
Hold on, let me have a Snicker real quick because I deserve it.
Mm, my God.
My God.
When you get a little Snicker boy, it's just like somebody just threw a big old fine piece of ass in your mouth.
You feel me?
My God, I love that little Snicker boy.
And I'm on the minis right now.
And by Christmas, I'll escalate up to a damn full bar.
I'll go mini, then I'll go then baby Snicker.
You know, and I go full bar.
I don't do them big king size.
We got one in here from like a damn museum or something.
Or the kind you pull over on the side of the interstate in Missouri to take a picture of with your cousin.
You sit him up on top of it and get a picture of him.
But what was I talking about?
I don't know.
Oh, so one time I remember my dad, he was senior citizen.
And that's like as much citizen as you can be, really.
And he's probably about maybe 75, 77, maybe.
I don't know, maybe, I don't know, maybe almost about 80, but and he got the bad, you know, he got his blood work or something came back wrong, or they gave him wrong blood work at the hospital.
Because the hospital, when I was growing up, it was like two guys over there working and a couple ladies.
They maybe had four people over there.
And one guy was a mechanic.
And so he'd come in there and he'd put a, you know, he'd try to cure cancer with a damn Allen wrench in there.
You know, he's in there fixing a broken arm with a, you know, with a with a Phillips head wrench.
So it was limited ability to really be, you know, healed or procured.
I mean, if you got healed, you were really lucky.
So I remember my dad got some bad, the wrong blood work.
They gave him somebody else's blood work, like of a newborn baby or something.
So they said he had the good blood.
You know, sugar was low.
And it was right at Halloween.
And so, dude, he got in our Halloween candy.
He must have ate, he must have ate about, I bet he probably had about 19 Reese cup.
And he went into a, like a, he passed out, went into like a sugar comb or something.
And you take him to the hospital, dude, and the hospital, you know, like I said, it's four, you know, they got three people over there.
One of them is a drive-through.
Some lady, you know, they sell him fries out the back of it.
I mean, this shit was, this was limited time.
It was limited ability to really get well.
I mean, that's why you would either go to the hospital or you would just do prayer.
Some people just prayer.
And my dad, they, because you go, mostly it was babies.
Mostly the hospital is for babies.
So you take a, you know, you take your dad over there.
He had like a sugar stroke or something.
They put him in a damn incubator, you know?
They got him in like a damn nine-foot incubator.
He's in there, you know, doing cigarettes or something.
Little Daniel come by and sell him a pack of smokes, bro.
Because you know how Daniel is, dude.
Daniel don't care if you get well or not.
You know, he makes his own choices and he don't like to, he don't care if you get well or not.
And he does not care.
But those were the days, man, different time, you know, because you get a sugar report of an infant.
Next thing you know, you think you can live how you want.
You're in college again.
But really, you're a senior citizen.
What else do I have to tell you about?
I'll tell you this, that if you're gambling and you should have bet on them Nwallin Saints, because Drew Brees, man, he's so inspiring.
You know, he's like a light at the end of the tunnel of humanity.
But if you like to bet on games like I do, there's only one real place to do it.
And the place that I like to do it is at my bookie.
My bookie, regardless of whether you've been battling.
I'm Sorry, man.
I think my lungs is haunted.
I think my lungs is haunted, man.
By cigarette.
my cigarette.
*cough*
So sorry, man.
That's what I'm saying, dude.
Everybody's getting haunted right now.
What's in your brain?
Where you go?
You know?
You got a dirty ghost in your lung or you got a fucking little...
You know what I'm saying?
Everybody's got something haunting them right now.
Haunting their body.
Haunting their brain.
It's that time, baby.
It's that time.
We've all got something haunting us.
Some people like to gamble.
You know, don't fly to Vegas to do it.
It ain't 1900, okay?
Don't get you, you fly over there and, you know, lie to your wife and say you're going to the store.
Next thing you know, you're gone for four days.
You know?
So what I'm saying is my bookie.
Do it the right way.
Whether you've been betting for years or you're ready to play for the first time, my bookie is your best bet this season.
Make your best bet.
If you're the kind of guy who likes to bet a little and win a lot, try a parlay.
Now, a parlay used to be whenever you hooked up with a chick over there on a golf course.
But this is different.
For instance, if you like a couple of the big favorites this week or in two weeks you want to lay a little bit of money on them LSU Tigers to beat that Crimson Tide, then parlays are perfect because they let you bet multiple games together for a bigger payout.
And that's how I like to roll.
I'll lay $6.
You know, I'll bet that the Rottweiler across the street is going to bite one of these kids doing tricks on their bikes.
But if you want to bet a couple of that on a couple different streets, then you do it through MyBookie.
That's the parlay.
So if you're going to bet this season, do the smart thing.
Go to mybookie.ag because no one gives you more ways to win between football season, the playoffs, the start of the NBA, NHL.
It's time to get off the sideline and get in on the action.
And if you join right now, MyBookie, they're going to double your deal.
Who doubles your deal?
You ever give somebody something they give you back twice as much?
The Lord, maybe.
But they will double your deal at MyBookie.
Use promo code Theo to activate the offer.
That's promo code T-H-E-O to double your cash.
Visit mybookie, M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E dot A G today.
You play, you win, you get paid.
Get paid, man.
Get that loot.
Get that loot.
I'm thinking about going to Louisiana on third Wednesday to go see the kiddos and the niece and nephew.
And, you know, man, I love, you know, it's a lot this time of year coming up.
And I know, you know, sometimes we head into this season and people are dealing with different stressors.
And, you know, maybe you just lost a girlfriend or you just lost a loved one or, you know, where you're not sure what to do or you don't know what your choices are.
But just keep moving forward.
You know, everything will be okay.
And I just want to tell you that.
And I'm telling myself that, too, because I need to hear that from myself sometimes.
And I'm not getting all Debbie downer.
People sometimes say, man, you know, some of you get a little downer.
And, dude, I'm an alcoholic, man.
You know, it's a problem that whatever that demon is, that dark art that lives in me, that Vincent Van Ghost, bro, something's haunting.
It haunts me.
And I'm a haunted, haunted, haunted house, bruh.
And I'm a two-story, bro.
I got a garage.
You know, I got a base cemente.
I got a damn, you know, a lean two out back.
We got a tree house.
This is some fucking haunted territory.
And so it's a constant battle.
You know, when you have alcoholism and that kind of thing and stuff, it's a constant battle, man.
It doesn't end.
You can't just beat it once.
You can't.
It just, it is a fight.
So, you know, and sometimes I got a little bit of bitch in me, bruh.
When they baked my batch, they threw a little, you know, they threw a couple extra fucking little, you know, half a scoop of bitch sometimes in me.
So I got to battle through that, you know, through the, through those extra, through the extra, you know, amount of bitch that's in me.
Because look, dude, if I had my choice and I'm standing there at the checkout, I'd be like, nah, nah, nah, hold the bitch.
You know what I'm saying?
Hold the bitch, but that's not the deck I was dealt.
And so I can only play with these cards that I have.
Oh, man.
We got some great calls that came in.
Man, I'm so happy to be here.
I can't believe this is, let me see, December 16th.
There'll be three years of doing this past weekend.
Wow, three years.
That's crazy.
That's like a three-year-old child.
That's pretty bizarre.
Let's take a call or two.
As always, the hotline 985-664-9503.
We all got ghosts.
We all got ghosts.
Hey, Dio.
It's James from San Jose.
What's up, James, from San Jose?
And San Jose definitely have been to that place.
And they got a lot of, if you're down there, kind of where the buses are and stuff, they got a lot of at night, a lot of people will kind of beat each other out in the street and stuff like that.
It has that kind of unique vibe, that outdoorsy vibe downtown.
Onward?
Shit, I was just listening to your podcast now.
You're talking about the zoo in the Kula Kakan province.
Oh, yeah.
My buddy got that read down there on that Sinaloa and Animal Sanctuary, baby.
Yeah, what do you know?
You have any info?
don't know if you know, but that's where El Chapo's boys are.
And they're going him right now.
So I don't know if that'd be the smartest investment.
Just wanted to give you the heads up.
I don't know if you've been watching the news lately.
That shit is going crazy, brother.
Gang Gang.
Gang Gang, man.
No, I didn't know that.
Thank you for that information.
That's one thing I love about this back and forth we have here is the information I receive So if El Chapma's boys are out there But see that's when I think people could use an animal the most You know a couple people getting murdered or whatever and you get to go touch a soft animal You know and that's like it's almost like when you touch the back of a damn beautiful When you touch the back of a beautiful ape or
a beautiful You know a kitten or even one of those little dogs that's in a wheelchair or something There's nothing more beautiful than that Than rubbing your hand.
It's almost like sticking your hand right into heaven's ass, you know, like right into just or right into heaven When you touch the back of an animal or the back or you touch the front of a of a you know a soft seal or something or ostrich or yeah or something you know at a petting zoo you they let you touch a damn fucking lemur or something or check its throat for a see if it's nodules or if it might have a cold
or whatever.
I mean that that can cure a lot of people is what I'm saying.
So the thing the thing about the zoo that gets me is could it be you know two of your friends just got beheaded you get to go look at a couple lambs or whatever fucking or just being together you know because it's not always about sex you know then that could be something that could be special but i'll tell you know it's crazy because my boy hadn't even gotten back to me i mean he's down there he hadn't responded to like the past four messages so
we'll see man but i got a lot of response about that people saying dude don't do a zoo in mexico well yeah easier for you to say you don't have the opportunity to do it so um all right let's we got it we had some calls that came in about pyramid schemes and i got schemed out as a child me and my friend charlie we lost uh we each lost $1,000
in a pyramid scheme and dude I think it was even when I remember thinking back I think it was called the pyramid scheme like these people whoever put it on didn't even hide it and I remember it was like a pyramid I was like it was a pyramid it said you know I think it even said don't do this at the bottom so it was you know it was it wasn't probably like a premiere choice but
we had some call that came in about that pyramid and I just had another snicker boy good god who am I what have I done to deserve this luxury boy when I put a snicker in my face man it's just like my god it's like my whole tongue just dang went to church brother it's
like every one of my teeth just sat down and s in a sugary little Sunday school because my mouth is with the Lord when I got a snicker in it my god remind me of being young and erect boy remind me of being young and
erect dude I used to get so erect as a child I was like a damn shark oh Jesus person ruining my vibe dude if you laid me on my back and you know I look like a damn shark bro because I had that wiener topping out up up at the top of my pants and everything all right some calls came in about pyramid scheme let's get let's get to one of those because I asked you guys to let me know if you'd ever done been
caught up in the dark arts that shapeshifter man that pyramid you know that said that's a Bermuda triangle of your bank account right there gang Theo what's going on man hope you're doing well this is Cody from Lancaster Pennsylvania Cody from Lancaster PA and that's Amish country and the Amish are I mean they're beautiful man they're like new they're like deer like newborn deer endangered species you
know you kind of can you can look at them but you don't want to get up real close or steal your chips you know steal a bag of potato chips out of your hand kind of like those little monkeys over there in um uh malaysia or even in uh i think even a lot of places let's hear more thank you for calling brother onward i'm currently driving from uh florida to uh my hometown i heard about you that's being about uh the pyramid scheme uh my fiancé
and i actually got wrapped up in one of those with uh amway amen brother onward doing some uh some babysitting and uh the parents of the child actually just they got us kind of wrapped up in that gave us a presentation a powerpoint slide started uploading some products on us and it was just like you know zero to a hundred in uh in no time so i gotta tell you it's uh it can definitely be good for the people that are at the top but you know if you're just starting out you have to start selling your friends and
family and uh you know that can just be stressful and uh you know it can be rough man so yeah just letting you know i we got in briefly got out and uh you know, if anything, we bought some money on that.
So, well, I'm sorry to hear that, man.
I appreciate you sharing.
Amway, I'm guessing that's when they do the baby powder.
And yeah, I got caught up in that.
Amway people, they sell you anything.
Hey, don't you want this shampoo?
You know, it's got cinnamon at the bottom.
You know, it also has cinnamon at the bottom, real cinnamon.
Dude, I don't give a fuck, man.
I'm trying to wash my hair.
This ain't a damn snickerdoodle, you know?
So I don't get sometimes like Amway, like, oh, you need, uh, they got everything.
You know, they'll get you involved in, they'll get, yeah, they'll say you everything.
Oh, you need this little, um, this thing of syrup.
You know, this thing of syrup, it turns into ice cream at night.
Don't you want a couple scoops of it?
Fuck no, bruh.
How about that?
So, but I don't know, man.
I'm sorry you guys got caught in it, but I'll be careful of that.
I'll be careful of that pyramid scheme.
Who else got schemed out?
Let's take a call right now, gang.
The McVon Dan from India Baptist.
Big Samuel from Indy.
And thank you for calling, my friend.
I was calling to leave a comment about the pyramid.
Well, that's a verbal comment.
Gang, Brother Homert.
And my experience with that, yeah, people started calling me that I had talked to an agent, you know.
Hey, man, I got this program for you.
You know, it was like the answer to all your dreams.
It's like, okay, man, I haven't talked to you in a long time.
I appreciate you thinking of me.
I did.
I felt like I was loved.
Like, these people wanted to give me this dream.
And I was like, okay, I'll go to this meeting.
It's like a mix.
And dude, it was very culty and very Kool-Aid-drinky vibe.
And I was instantly freaked out.
And they were handing out drinks.
It was the place that the supplements.
And they were like, ooh, try this energy drink packet.
Which it was good.
But looking back, I think it was the Kool-Aid.
Right.
Yeah, they want you to sip the Kool-Aid.
That's the thing.
A couple years ago, I was, you know, living my life.
And they said, hey, do you want to come perform at this function?
And I think it was like a couple thousand bucks.
They said, do you want to come perform at this function?
It might have been $1,500.
And just come in the back and, you know, we'll meet you back there and come in and you'll be going the stage.
You're going to perform for a little while.
And then Suzanne Sommer is going to do it.
And Suzanne Somer is this lady.
I mean, she really, she looks like she has a real strong kind of butthole on her, to be honest.
And I know, I've never said that about anyone, actually.
But it looks like her, you know, her little b-hole could probably...
I bet it could...
So that's what I'm kind of saying.
Look like she just has a really, because she's real strong.
She always does leg fitness and glute fit and glute fitness.
And glute is just, so you don't say butt.
That's all glute is.
But so I was there.
I go in the back.
I go on stage.
I perform.
It's a little bizarre.
It's like all these people sitting in there.
You know, one dude has on like a top hat.
People are like screaming, you know, and fired up.
And there's like a clock that's counting down on the wall.
Like, you know, I don't remember what it said, like 40 minutes or something.
So then I get done performing.
I go back backstage.
I haven't even been to the front of the event.
So they say, look, man, if you want to go around front, get you a little chocolate cake.
Because they were doing dinner when I was on stage and they had just gotten into the dessert portion of the evening.
And I'll be honest, I love a dessert, all right?
You know, I'm sick of people acting like we just like dinner.
Bitch, I like it all.
Okay?
I want dessert.
I want that.
I want lime slices.
I want it all, bitch.
Okay?
That's who I am.
I'm sick of sitting at the menu.
Every time we get the menu, we have to look at all the other stuff first.
Bitch, give me a menu that just has dessert on it.
And I'll be fine.
Okay?
I'll have nine scoops of ice cream.
That's fine, bruh.
Actually, I wish they served everything in ice cream.
Oh, so I go around front, I go in, and then I'm now, so now I'm able to see the stage from the front and see what everybody else is seeing.
There's like this countdown clock of like when the new product is going to launch.
There's like all of these, it was called like, yeah, it was like a vitamin thing, like Power Vi or something or some, I don't know what it was, dude.
And they had these patches you put on your head and it helps you sleep and stuff.
And one you put under your neck or whatever and it keeps ants off your body.
They had one patch.
They had like these other, yeah, this patches, you put them on your shoulder and you, you know, you'll never think about your ex-girlfriend or something.
Or, you know, they got these patches.
It's like you put them on the back of your legs and you can drive better.
Just all kind of bullshit.
But everybody was in there and they were fired up and the new patches were about to launch.
And I was like, holy shit, man, I just performed at a pyramid scheme.
I didn't realize.
I was like, damn, I just performed at a pyramid scheme.
And I look on stage and Suzanne Somers up there with that strong ass freaking back, you know, that back jaw.
She got that real hardy back jaw.
And she was talking about something magnesium, I think, or something.
I don't know.
But yeah, we all get caught up.
We all get caught up.
Yeah, I lost a thousand as a child.
And I remember getting high when I was young with two with the same kid I lost the money with, you know, little Charlie.
And he was real, real white, real white guy.
And he wore a lot of Western type of clothing.
He had good posture.
And he was heavily garbed, Western style.
He was, you know, like a Western style omelet.
He was like a Western style human.
And one night we got high with a couple urban gentlemen, little Clarence and somebody else.
I don't remember Christopher, I think his name was.
Beautiful boy, long arms.
I mean, this kid could fucking, he could, he could rescue somebody who had fallen down in a hole easily.
And we all got real high one time.
We were driving in this 84 Ford escort I had.
And they, uh, and I got so high, I was like, oh, you know what would be funny is if I pull over and say the car won't start and they'll all get out of the car and be looking under the hood.
And it was midnight, man.
It was nighttime.
You know, darkness had set.
So I roll onto the side of the interstate.
I was like, dang, man, car won't start, guys.
So they're all fucking high as fuck.
And so was I also.
So everybody was.
And they get out the car and they were looking under the hood for so long, man.
And dude, I was laughing so fucking hard.
I never laughed so hard in my life, man.
I never laughed so hard in my life.
They're like, what is it?
They're like, floor it, you know?
Because if you don't know shit about, you know, when cars are broken, here's what you do.
You go, you open the hood.
Your buddy's in there.
You say, hey, bro, floor it.
And he'll floor it.
It makes a loud sound.
And then you say, hey, I don't know what the problem is, bruh.
So yeah, man, they had, and I just kept telling them that it wouldn't start.
I just kept telling him that it would not start.
I don't know why I did it, but God, it's still just good times.
You got to have fun with people.
You got to have fun with yourself.
Let's take another call.
They came in about the scheme.
What's up, Theo?
It's CJ from Homa, Louisiana.
Big CJ down there in Houma.
And they used to, yeah, people would be like, oh, they got a lot of homosexuals out there.
And that means just people from Homa.
And that's not what you, you know, it doesn't mean you prefer someone of the same sex.
So good to hear from your brother onward.
985, baby.
Gang, bro.
I actually got into a fear mischief because of my mom.
I was actually my mom's first customer.
Dang.
Now that's dark arts, bruh.
Man, you really...
Let's hear more.
Yeah, I had to give her $600, which was all the money I had because I was only like 18 at the time, 17, 18. Oh.
Man, that's when they got me too, man, when I was young.
And we found out one of my buddies, his parents, he got duped and his parents got duped.
Let's hear more.
And then I got my cousins involved in it.
Oh, man.
Dude, it ruins families.
Showed them that got their money.
Yeah, because cousins, they'll do all kind of shit, bro.
Cousins, you know, especially second or third cousins.
If you can't even make first chair when it comes to being a cousin, bruh, no.
Yeah, I'll get you into a pyramid scheme because we don't have that first, you know, you second, third cousin, dude.
You might as well be almost an enemy.
Homeward.
So we were all kind of involved in it, but they would make us go to these trips out to like different states and stuff and do these like conventions.
I went to this one convention in Vegas and I like basically, I just like slept on the floor in someone's hotel room.
And it was pretty awkward.
It's probably the worst experience being in Las Vegas at 17, 18. But yeah, pretty much the falling out was just like, obviously we didn't make any money.
Yeah, I lost a lot of friendships trying to get people in the business, a lot of high school friendships, and some family members, and my mom never gave me that $600 back.
So, gang, gang.
Damn.
Man, it's, you know, it's hard when you mix money and family, when you mix stuff like that.
Sorry, I just had another.
I had another one.
And this one's starting to be, I'm having a little bit too many.
It's hard when you mix family and the money and everybody's people fist fighting.
Me and my friend, we didn't talk for a long time because of the pyramid scheme because he lost the money and I lost the money.
And we had a square and we kept calling somebody else and then somebody died and they didn't.
Man.
Yeah, I don't know who wins.
I wonder if there's just somebody who's just going town to town, just, you know, like just Jerry Pyramid and he's winning them all.
But I'm sorry about that.
Did you went to Vegas?
I mean, you really went through it, brother.
And it haunts you, man.
That's the thing.
It haunts you.
I still get a little mad about that.
But I'm glad I only lost that little bit in the beginning.
I'm glad you only lost that 600.
And they ain't going to get me again.
That's it.
Onward.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
This is Landon.
I'm from Dallas, Texas.
Big Landon down there in Dallas.
And I like Dallas, man.
I definitely have been down there and, you know, gotten involved in some, you know, honestly, man, I felt some pretty hard titties down there in Dallas a long time ago.
Back when the hard titties was more popular, more.
Currently living in LA, though.
I just wanted to call in about pyramid schemes, you know.
You were talking about that shady triangle.
I personally haven't been in one, but my mom was that real pyramid scheme queen.
Hmm.
Oh, yeah.
One of those mid-bitties, bro.
Gang.
She loved it.
She finally got out of it, thank God.
But she's teetering.
I can see her ordering things again.
She used to order a lot of packages to our door of different types of accoutrements that you would get in a pyramid scheme.
She would try to rank up.
I remember one time she said she was about five sales away from getting a free BMW.
We still drive a Chevy.
She did probably about five pyramid schemes when I was a child.
Damn.
Your mom is like basically the Ayatollah or whatever, man.
She's like the Egyptian queen, really.
Euphrates or something.
You know what I'm saying?
But she's that's crazy.
Yeah, and you're always five cars away.
You're always five sales away from winning, you know, the little, you know, homemade Starburst maker or whatever.
Or, you know, something, you know, one of them little ice cream makers or whatever you can have at the house.
Snow cone maker.
Them piece of shit.
Dude, I remember buying a snow cone maker one time.
This bitch was about $9.
And it was basically just like a little hatchet, kind of like a little kind of very, not even a hard hatchet, like a little safe axe.
And like a little cup in there.
And you had to like bring your own ice and beat that shit up.
And Jesus Christ, man.
I wish I just had never gotten bought in that thing.
That thing took a couple years off my life, the stress of trying to just make a damn cold treat for myself.
You know, when I was young, but still kind of haunted by that.
Let's take another call here, man.
The hotline is always 985-664-9503.
Again, we got that Lafayette show.
I also want to thank, we got some beautiful pumpkins here in studio today.
And they're done by Mr. Brian Johnson.
And I'll put them on the Instagram and tag him.
And he does some really amazing art.
And Brian Johnson Studios is his IG handle.
Sorry, Brian B-R-I-N Johnson Studio.
And he did some real cool ones with the cartoon.
Rat King.
Yeah, he really got into it.
And it's that time.
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Yeah, you're always five sales away from a BMW, man.
Yeah, that's, you know, we're always just on the verge.
We're just on the verge.
Dude, you know, right after Halloween, it's going to be Thanksgiving.
I mean, it's going to be like fast, and then it's going to be Christmas, and then it's going to be New Year's.
It's going to be fast.
Dude, that's like whenever you hear a kid say like, oh, yeah, I'm seven and a half.
It's like, bro, nobody gives a shit about the half, dude.
Nobody's milling around being like, oh, is he going to get there?
You know, nobody's looking at you one day like, oh, he's seven years and 56%.
Okay?
So, you know, tone it down, little bucko.
Oh, yeah, I'm 50 and a half.
You know what I'm saying?
That's the weirdest dude.
Some guy who's like 50 and a half years old and he tells you that?
That dude, that guy's from somewhere else, bro.
Maybe Dutch or something.
You know, the Dutch are real aerodynamic as well.
I don't know if I've brought that up or not, but if you want to see somebody go downhill quickly and really be good at it, that's the Dutch.
They're so aerodynamic.
You can't beat it.
No one can.
Let's say a Patreon question came in.
What did I do this weekend?
Oh, I went to, I just did comedy, actually.
I had four sets.
I had a bunch of sets this week working on some new material.
And it felt real good to get back on stage.
I haven't been on, you know, I haven't been inspired really that recently.
I don't know what's going on.
I just, you know, you know me, something.
I got these ghosts in my brain.
But man, it felt good this weekend.
Got out there.
Dude, Bobby Lee, bless him, showed me pictures.
He has pictures of when his father was deceased.
He has pictures in there with him and his father and his family and the dad's laying there.
You know, gone.
I mean, the dad is gone.
His spirit's gone on, but they're milling around with the dad bot, I guess you call it dad bot.
Yeah, they're milling around with the dad bot.
So that was, and he showed us the pictures.
He showed us the pictures.
I think it's like a traditional Korean thing where, you know, you, you know, show pictures of your, you know, kind of like honor your parents or something.
Because they used to do hieroglyphs.
They would, you know, if your parents died, they would draw it on the wall.
You know, they get a little sword or something and draw it on the wall.
But now that, you know, you can't, people don't draw on their walls as much because it's not caves and stuff.
People, you know, everybody wants to resell their house.
And he showed us the images, dude.
It was very, very interesting.
It's kind of beautiful, though.
Kind of beautiful.
Here's a question that came in from Alex Gebhart.
Theo, I've declared myself the world's worst procrastinator.
I'm currently taking a coding course, and I'm behind so many assignments because I just don't want to do them.
Do you ever have problems procrastinating and what do you do to pull yourself out of it?
Yeah, man, I do.
And I have problems.
I'm upset at procrastinating years ago.
I'm upset for things.
I mean, most of my 20s was procrastinating.
And honestly, man, just chasing leg, chasing woman, you know, chasing, you know, chasing titty boy.
So, so, yeah, I got that, man.
What do I do to pull myself out of it?
Well, some of it I noticed is my nature.
You know, I'm kind of that last, you know, I'm that last chance Lance.
I do well at the end.
You know, I do well at the end.
I do well when the pressure's on.
But, you know, when I do really well, when I start early.
That's when I really, really do.
I find Excel at stuff.
So I think just motivation, you know, life is a program of action.
I talked to a friend this week.
I was, you know, having a tough time with some stuff the past couple weeks.
And so, you know, and I'm always thinking about things.
I'm always thinking about how I feel.
I'm feeling about how I think.
And he said, hey, man, life's a program.
It's a program of action.
We could think and feel, and that's okay.
Those things are real.
And we need to do that.
We need to process what's going on with us and share with other people so we don't have these things trapped in us.
But at a certain point, it's a program of action.
People that win are people that act.
People that achieve their goals or their dreams or get what they want, it's people that take action.
That's it.
And the other stuff is good, but it's really, it's a program of action.
And it's hard for me to stomach that sometimes, but it's the truth.
And yeah, if you're so far behind, man, I think set aside a day.
Go to the library.
Make it something fun.
Go have kind of a new experience.
I'm going to get me a coffee.
I'm going to go to the library.
I'm going to do my work.
I'm going to get done when I need to do.
I'm going to get a classmate to hold me accountable.
Say, hey, you want to work on this together?
Can we do that?
Because I'll tell you this, dude.
If you're procrastinating now, that kind of stuff doesn't go away very easily.
You know, you really have to make some efforts for change if you want to.
Now, if you're just going to procrastinate all the time, don't be too hard on yourself.
That's what I do.
You know, I'm always beating myself up instead of enjoying my procrastination.
Get a pizza, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
Get a fucking ice cream.
Get some pizza ice cream.
And douse yourself out, dude.
And live it right, bruh.
Gang.
This is a Patreon question.
Came in.
Amanda Grayson.
After working in corrections for the last two years, I've seen what the dark arts can do to people.
Can you offer some suggestions on how to stay kind and not be cynical in a negative and manipulative environment?
Wow, I can only imagine what that's like.
You know, you're in corrections.
You go in there every day and you're working really with the outcasts and the dregs and the people that are evil and afflicted and also people that are mentally not well, people that have been neglected.
I mean, you're working in the bottom.
You're working at a very unique layer of humanity.
And also in a layer where you guys are probably perceived as the enemy.
Even though you're just somebody that's going in and clocking into work, you didn't make the choices for this person.
You know, you didn't set the circumstances.
You weren't the parents of them that set the framework of their life.
But you're really, you're having to live with what's, you know, you're having to be there, work front line with them.
You know, I have trouble with it too.
I have trouble being cynical and being judgmental.
And I think, you know, praying for your enemy can really help praying for your enemy.
You know, just try to do what's right.
And if they see it, you know, if people see it, some of them will see it.
Some of them will remember.
You know, it's so funny to me, the people that influenced me in my life.
If you went back and looked at my life and you let somebody else say, hey, pick out the people that influenced this fella, you might not get them right.
Because sometimes it was just certain moments when I was willing to hear somebody or when I was, You know, somebody could tell me something a million times and I couldn't hear it.
But then one day, you know, a basketball coach or a camp counselor or somebody just had, you know, who had me in a certain, you know, just in a certain moment or a certain place where I was feeling I was willing to hear what was going on or willing to hear some advice or suggestion.
And I would.
It's just kind of interesting.
So I think just do your best, be an example.
But also at some points, man, you're down there dealing with people that some of them just, they're just an extension of the devil.
You out there.
You know, you really, the prison is basically just like a Hardys of Hades.
You know, you got a lot of real devil dwellers out there.
So just, you know, do your best and keep the light alive in you because I bet it can be easy to get pulled down.
Man, it's like working right out there on this like, it's like almost if you took Hades, it was a piece of water and you put just a boat dock out into it.
And that's the correctionals.
But I bet there's one or two people you can inspire.
So look for them, maybe.
And I think just maybe see what's similar between you and those people.
Listen for the similarities between.
Because there's some things where you guys are both just human and you'll have very similar.
And maybe those would be places where you can make little bridges with people.
What's going on?
Also, I don't know.
You know, I'm just...
But I do know that the dark arts, man, it's, you know, the coffins are open right now.
And you can hear it.
You can hear it all happening.
All right, let's hit this call that came in right here, 985-664-9503.
As well, there's a show at the Wiltern in Los Angeles December 10th.
And that's a show that would be good to get a ticket to.
I think it's almost nearing sellout.
And what else?
Oh, I went and met with a cartoonist company who's made some pretty big cartoons about possibly doing something with the animations that we've been doing.
So that could be pretty cool.
You never know.
But that could be pretty cool.
Yeah, and what else?
I'm just, you know, I'm starting to feel a little bit less stressed than I was earlier in this year.
Man, I really, I was not doing really well.
It was tough.
I was having a tough time.
All right, let's keep it trappy, bruh.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Hunter from Shelby, North Carolina.
What's up, Hunter, over there in that Kackalacky boy?
That North Carolina gang, bruh.
Give me what you got for a pork chop.
Right outside of Charlotte.
So I got a DWI last, I think, about a week ago.
I'm 25. But it's my second DWI.
I got my first one when I was 17, and I blew a 0.09.
Well, now I've blown a 0.09 for this one.
Oh, wow.
So you probably, you like the damn rain man of breathalyzers, bro.
You hitting them numbers, dog.
You know what I'm saying?
You might want to play the scratchers or whatever due to pick three onwards.
Well, but it falls within a seven-year period to where you can't have two DUIs in North Carolina within seven years or you get mandatory jail time.
And so, you know, I got my old lady and my dog, and we just bought a house.
I had to drop out of school.
I guess I'm going to try to find a job or something somewhere so I can look good to the judge, I guess.
But I guess I'm really just stressing this going to jail thing.
I just wanted to get some advice from you, and I guess just hear you make something funny about it or something, make me laugh.
Gang, bro.
Well, dude, it's hard.
I mean, if you're really from a place called Chevy, North Carolina, let me look that up.
Is that really?
Chevy, North Carolina.
I was going to say, dude, it's hard not to get a DUI when your town is named after a damn truck.
Dude, I can't believe you blew that 0.09 two times.
You should tell the judge that.
Like, look, I'm the breathalyzer whisperer.
Okay, every time I puff into that bitch, I hit the numbers.
You know what I'm saying?
You might want to go out.
Just tell them, you know, you might want to start being a bookie or something, a breath bookie.
And, I mean, it sucks, dude.
You know what sucks kind of is?
If you, you know, if you guys were, you know, a lot of wealthy people get out of this kind of shit because they get the right attorneys and blah, blah, blah.
You know, and that's where people, you know, from regular places like us, we don't have the same opportunities sometimes.
But those people who get out of things like this, they're just kicking the can down the road.
They don't learn their lesson.
So maybe you just had some bad luck.
You know, if you got two in seven years, that's not insane, but it's a, I don't want to say that's a pattern, but it ain't fucking cool.
You know, it ain't good.
It ain't great.
And I know you know that, man.
I'm not trying to preach at you, but damn, at least if you go do a little bit of time, bro, I think your wife will think that's sexy as hell.
You know, having to drop out of school, if you do go in, man, I would just use it as time to prepare for something or to, you know, study or to just to come out and be, you know, really streamline headed into what you want to head into.
It may be a good time for you because it'll give you some time to think about stuff.
I mean, I'm hoping it's just a couple of months or you know, but damn, bro.
And also, you can't be in people's in there for doing fires and arson, you know, murder, you know, outdoor murder, indoor murder, all kind of stuff.
And you in there just for, you know, you had a couple of bush lights and fucking decided to floor it on the way home.
I think you got to come up with a better.
you got to come up with a good crime that you did.
I'm trying to think of a real good crime.
It's a good crime, dude.
You know what?
You could always tell me you tickled the cop after they pulled you over, bro.
I think there's something kind of wild about that.
Because anybody could shoot somebody or do this or that, but somebody tickle a damn cop, bruh?
People say, what you in for?
You'd be like, oh, I've just been tickling the police, son.
Like, damn.
I'm going to give that guy my bread roll at dinner.
Because that dude's a kind of guy who's fucking not afraid to fucking put both of his, all 10 of his fingers into a cop's ribs and wiggle them around.
Come on, boy.
That's something serious, dude.
So yeah, I would tell people you're in for tickling the police, bro.
Because there's something kind of fucking artsy about that.
But stay safe and give your wife a big hug, man.
And you're lucky to have somebody to support you if you do have to struggle with that.
And I'm sorry that people like where we're from don't have the same opportunity to get out of some of the bullshit.
But the bullshit stays.
It just adds up.
So no matter what's going on, however this shakes out, I think if you can get to the core of whatever the issue is, you have a drinking problem, do you have a driving problem?
I'm saying one of them, I think you have an issue with one of them.
So maybe next time if you take all your, maybe have your buddy take all your tires off your truck or something if you're going to go drinking.
You know, make a rule or something.
You know, or at least two tires.
So be well, brother Onward.
All right, let's take this call right here.
Here we go.
One more call, maybe, maybe, I don't know.
It's Halloween, man.
I've been trying to just, I'm not trying to do anything, man.
I'm just trying to keep it going.
I'm trying to keep it going, man.
That's all we got to do.
You know, I'm so tired of my brain making plans with me.
My brain's always like, every time I do something, it's like, okay, now we're doing this.
Okay, now we're doing this.
You know, my brain, it just always finds the problem.
It's like my brain is like a vacuum and it only, it's like a Roomba, one of them things that's vacuums while you're gone.
You know, Roombas, somebody caught, you know, Roombas are those things you turn it on and it's supposed to clean your house while you're away.
But there's videos, a lot, a couple of Roombas outside, you know, smoking.
You know, somebody caught two Roombas fucking outside of their garage.
So everybody want to talk about how artificial intelligence is going to be the future and everything like that.
You know, I mean, meanwhile, you got a Roomba and one of these Nest thermostats.
And they meeting up outside of the garage and, you know, cooking up a gram or something or heating up a couple of batches of that greeny.
It's just, I mean, artificial intelligence is only as good as the dope it's going to get into.
So next time you look in the washroom, you find some drugs in there or something, that might not be your husband's stash.
How do you know that, you know, some of these machines ain't doing this shit?
You know, next time they pull you over and they search your car and they find a couple of little sacks of Qualudes or a little mason jar of KY jellies or something, preserves, preferably, because you know what I'm saying, I don't like a little bit of chunk in it.
But just say, hey, man, I don't know what this car does at night.
I drive this bitch during the day.
Okay?
I don't know what this thing, it might be, you know, rolling over there to the Chevrolet dealership and Freebasing.
I don't know what, you know what I'm saying?
I don't know.
But I'm just saying at a certain point, artificial intelligence is going to be so smart, easily it could get, easily it could do drugs.
So that's what I'm saying.
I read an article the other day.
They found a toaster that had a couple of them doing dabs.
So what is that?
You telling me it just, what was this guy talking about?
Sorry.
Did anybody even call?
I don't even know what's happening.
Let me take a call right now.
Here we go.
Onward.
Hey, Theo, this is Riggan calling from Tacoma, Washington.
I just got finished listening to the last podcast.
Thanks for listening, man.
Thanks for your patience.
You know, and it's funny because sometimes I come in, I don't know what this podcast is going to be like.
I don't know what's going to happen.
You know, I don't know how I'm feeling.
I don't know how you're feeling.
But we keep showing up, man.
I'm grateful for that.
You know, to the person that called earlier, it's like, yeah, you just keep doing it.
You got to just keep going.
If you're procrastinating, then no matter, it's a program of action.
You know, existence is a program of action.
It's like we can feel and do all these things and talk about how we feel and it's important and it's real.
But at a certain point, you know, we have to take action.
We have to.
Onward, let's go, brother.
At the end, you were talking about the middle ground that we sort of live in.
My question is, to you or anyone listening, if this makes it in, how do you change your desires to be sort of positive or good?
Like, I want to have both hands on the Lord and move forward, but part of me feels like I like the dark arts, if I'm going to be honest.
So, anyway, let me know what you think.
Gang, bro.
You know, I feel you right there.
You know, I feel you right there.
It's like I want to be, I mean, I talked about this before.
I want to be part of the solution.
I want to be, I want to live in the good space.
I want to, you know, I want that freedom that I have, that people have.
And it's tougher sometimes for some people than it is for others.
And unfortunately for me, that's, you know, that's some of my battle.
And that's okay.
Some people have different battles.
Some people have, you know, wasps in their house.
Some people, you know, have trouble battling the dim elements, the dark arts, man.
And that's me.
I want to do something bad a lot of times.
You know, I want to be dirty.
I want to be a naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty type of guy.
But at the same time, there's a bigger thing.
There's a light in me that wants to do, that wants, that wants to be, and that wants to be part of the solution.
Especially if you can be part of this, then you can help other people.
You can be an example, you know.
And I get people send messages a lot of times like, hey, thank you, you know, for talking about sobriety and talking about the things you struggle with.
And you're welcome, man.
You're welcome.
You know, it makes me feel, I don't know.
Yeah, I want to be okay too, man.
It's hard.
And some of that, I think, for some of us, that's our battle.
That's our journey.
And there has to be a journey in life, I think.
There needs to be.
I think that's what this world is.
It is a fight.
It is a battle.
And it's hard sometimes.
You know what's a hard thing to admit, man?
I was thinking earlier.
It's hard to admit that I love God, man.
And not even knowing sometimes who God is or what it is, but that I love him.
You know, it's hard to admit that because there's these other strings, man.
I want to pull you.
It's just your own will and stuff you want to do.
And I'm not saying that like, you know, some people believe in religion, some people don't.
And that's fine.
I don't knock anyone that doesn't.
But I just know that, yeah, I struggle.
I struggle with it.
You know, I feel sometimes like I'm afraid or I think something that holds me back is I'm afraid to go all the way in because I feel like I won't be able to have fun or won't be able to enjoy, you know.
But that's not the truth, though, man.
But I think being honest with ourselves like you're doing is a good part of the journey because then at least whatever powers are out there for good can meet us where we are.
You know, if I'm always standing around saying, oh, this is where I am and I'm doing great and this and that and I'm not realistic, then how is the other piece of the puzzle that I need going to ever match up with me if I keep shape-shifting, you know?
If I keep shifting my shape to fit, you know, whatever conversation I'm in or.
You know, I struggle and I don't know, man.
But I like your thought about being honest about it.
There's something special about that.
Because then whatever the other piece is, you know, whatever the other interactions I need in the world that are going to help me feel more whole, those are going to be able to meet my ass, boy.
Because otherwise, if I keep saying, oh, well, this is where I'm at, then all these things, I'm going to miss them because that's not really the shape I'm in.
And I'm in pretty good shape for the shape that I'm in.
I'm making it.
That's a Bishop Gunn song.
Thanks for calling, man.
Thanks for your honesty.
What else?
What else do I want to talk about?
I don't know.
You know, I don't know, man.
You know, I had so much fun this weekend at the comedy club watching Chris Dahlia.
You know, such a stepdaddy, though.
People want to say he's this father figure and he's this and that.
Babies.
What?
Who's hanging out with babies, dude?
Pedalophiles.
That's who?
Dude, we have an struggling semi-adult adolescent audience, right?
That's where we're at.
But babies, this thing will crawl off a cliff, bruh.
Bunch of sacrificial lambs.
And that ain't us, man.
We just...
We're just a bunch of freaking rats, bruh.
But I know a lot of you guys are going to be out there this weekend taking your children out or taking your friends out or doing something fun.
And I hope you Just enjoy the experience.
You know, be brave, dress in a costume, do something kind of fun.
You know, if you're taking your old lady out, you know, don't have a frown on your face.
You know, try and have a new experience.
You know, I've had women in my life and I've missed out on the opportunity to lift them up.
You know, I was thinking the other day about myself.
One thing I noticed recently was I've always struggled with, I've never really honored the women in my life.
You know, I've never really honored them.
I've always for some reason been like ashamed or didn't want to be attached.
You know, I've always had a really, a strong block when it came to honoring the women into my life that were important to me and that have been important to me.
Let me try to think about it for a second.
I try to feel about it.
I feel like...
I mean, I think I have a lot of regret when it comes to that.
I've just never...
You know, I was ashamed that, you know, that she wasn't like this idea, I guess, of a mother.
I think I just wish I'd have been stronger to like, you know, just lift her up and just say, oh, you know, I'm proud of my mother.
You know, and I think that's a dad's job sometimes is to teach the son to do that.
And my mom and I weren't very close.
But, but yeah, I don't know if I've just, I was realizing that the other day.
I've always struggled with honoring the women in my life.
And it's not because I don't care about them.
It's just, I don't know, I think I was just, I don't know, maybe I was just so self-sufficient at an early age and I, you know, and I wanted more from a relationship with my mom, but I didn't have it or something.
I don't know.
Or maybe I was just selfish.
I don't know.
I'm trying to feel it and I can't really land on anything.
But I've always, whenever it's come to girlfriend or like, you know, saying, oh, this is my girlfriend or this is a girl that I'm seeing, it's always been really tough for me.
You know, I always had my mom like drop me off kind of like, you know, not by the party, wherever we were going.
I mean, half the time I had to walk to the thing or whatever thing I was going to as well.
So maybe I was just angry sometimes.
But, yeah, I've always struggled with having that, just not honoring, you know, the women in my life.
Just saying, hey, this is my girlfriend or this is my wife or this is this girl that I'm dating and I'm proud to be with them.
Or I think for me, some of it is just commitment.
I don't want any, I don't want, you know, I like to just do it myself.
I don't, I don't know.
I just want to be my, I just want to be just me.
And it just gets really tough when, you know, I don't know.
just something that honestly for me that's just been kind of haunting me recently um um It just haunts me because then people, it's tougher.
Anyway, I was just saying, if you have a, you know, someone you're spending time with, you know, make sure they know that you're excited to spend time with them.
You know, to have a new moment with them and say, look, you know, I know we, you know, our lives sometimes get kind of the same and we do this and we do that.
Make them a nice card or something.
You know, just tell them how much you care, but like in a way where they are going to notice it.
Because we need that.
You know, we all need it.
And yeah, sometimes when I have, you know, I procrastinate even when it comes to matters of the heart and of the, you know.
Yeah, people want to know how much everybody wants to be cared for.
I think, yeah, for me, sometimes I was just so worried about being cared for that I forgot to, you know, I forgot to be the other half of the care in certain environments.
Anyway, I didn't mean to bring this down at all, and it's not down.
You know, that's what happens when the cauldron's brewing, and that's what happens when the coffin's open.
And that's what happens when the cats have nine legs and no lives.
And the mummy's got something in their tummy.
That's what happens.
The dark arts abound.
And the things that haunt us are, they're right here.
They're fresh right now.
They've been in the crisper drawer of the great beyond, of the upside down.
And that door has just been, you open the fridge and that door is open and suddenly there's nothing in it.
Because the things that haunt us and the things that scare us and the things that, you know, that dog whistle that only we can hear because it's some memory from our own past.
Those things are alive right now.
This is that time.
It's that time when it's all open and it's all upside down.
You guys take care of yourselves, huh?
Be good to yourself, you deserve it.
You know, be good to yourself, you deserve it.
And if you made mistakes, there'll be so many opportunities to right those.
You know, there will be opportunities to right our wrongs.
But just hold the line right now.
It's a tough time.
You know, the skeletons are here.
You'll find an extra femur.
You'll wake up in the morning and find an extra fucking femur in your hand.
Whose is this?
I don't know.
But it's that time of year.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
Oh, this is that one where somebody's getting beaten.
Jesus.
Oh.
Oh, God.
It sounds like two gay guys kind of slapping each other, doesn't it?
Jesus, where the hotties at, man.
Let me see if I can find something.
I might have some chicks in the back.
Let me see if I can find something.
I might have some chicks in the back.
There's that Dexter hitter right there.
*music*
I like it though.
I like it though.
I want to thank Brian Johnson Studio for these beautiful carvings, man.
You outdid yourself and you always do time and time again.
I want to thank Nick Davis for making this happen, making this beautiful set for us today.
I want to thank you guys for lifting me up and being a part of my life.
And man, I'm excited.
We're going to put some new dates on the books even.
Going to slowly kind of wade back into some new stuff.
Got some new material brewing.
Trying to convince a comedian to do a unique tour with me this summer and go out together.
So hopefully we'll see what he says.
But thank you guys.
You know, I love you.
You know, I love you.
And we got this.
This is a beautiful time of year, a beautiful time of year.
You know, for us, there's a lot we can do.
So if you're struggling with something, just hold the line.
We got this.
We got this.
I'm going to have one more.
That's it.
because, oh man, my heart's starting to fucking beat fast.
Mmm.
*sounds of water*
My God, they are good.
What is in them, dude?
What is inside of Snickers, dude?
Cigarettes, they are good, man.
gang.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sui.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
Hai, I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
