State Wars March Madness w/ Bryan Callen | This Past Weekend #183
This episode is brought to you by Betterhelp https://Betterhelp.com/TheoVon Bryan Callen joins Theo to choose who will advance in round one of This Past Weekend's State Wars March Madness. Get his new special Complicated Apes http://radi.al/BCallenComplicatedApes Subscribe to his new YouTube Channel https://youtube.com/bryancallenlive This episode brought to you by… Uncommon Apothecary https://ua-cbd.com/ Use code THEO at checkout Blue Chew https://BlueChew.com Use promo code THEO Capterra https://capterra.com/THEO Grey Block Pizza 1811 Pico Blvd. Santa Monica, CA http://bit.ly/GreyBlock Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/MakinIt_BishopGunn Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Jones Aaron Rasche Aaron Wayne Anselmi Adam Cox Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Amelia Andrea Gagliani Andrew Valish Angel Perez Angelo Raygun Anthony Schultz Arielle Nicole Ashley Konicki Audrey Harlan Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Baltimore Ben Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Streit Brad Moody Brandon Hoffman Carla Huffman Casey Roberts Chad Saltzman Christopher Becking Christopher Stath Cody Cummings Cody Hanas Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Cort Adams Crystal Dan Draper Daniel Chase Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Gill David Christopher David Smith David Wyrick Donald blackwell Doug Chee Drew Munoz Erin Weatherford Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Felix Theo Wren Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia J.P. Jacob Rice Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jason Haley Jason Price Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Johnson Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Jerry Zhang Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan R Joseph Wuttunee Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Justin L justin marcoux Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kevtron Kiera Parr Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laura Williams Leighton Fields Logan Yakemchuk Luke Danton Matt Kaman Matt McKeen Matthew Azzam Megan Daily Meghan LaCasse Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Butcher Nick Lindenmayer Nick Roma Nick Rosing Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell Passenger Shaming Peter Craig Philip James Qie Jenkins Rachael Edwards Ranger Rick Robert Mitchell Robyn Tatu Rohail Ryan Hawkins Ryan Riley Ryan Walsh Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Sean Frakes Sean Scott Season Vaughan Shane Pacheco Stefan Borglycke Sungmin Choe Suzanne O'Reilly Taylor Beall The Asian Hamster Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Travis Simpson Tyler Harrington (TJ) Victor Montano Victor S Johnson II Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Zach Zak StufflebeamSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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And now, let's get into our episode.
Today's guest is a man that has inspired me in my line of work since he got here, or since I got here, since I met him.
That's when.
And he is the popular host of one of my favorite podcasts called The Fighter and the Kid, one of the first podcasts I was ever a guest on.
And he's always been supportive.
He's absolutely hilarious.
He has a new special out right now called Complicated Apes, which he says is his best work.
But more importantly than all of that, in a time when states are really starting to take back their stronghold from unified America, we decided to have a March Madness where every state is up against every other state in an all-out war.
We've built the brackets on the back of our producer, Nick Davis.
We got little Gianni in here to freaking giggle in the distance.
We put together a March Madness this past weekend state wars bracket.
And who better to help us break down the games and advance the states forward than just really one of the smartest guys I know, but I don't know that many people, Mr. Brian Callan.
I'm going to be here.
Do you think there's going to come a time where there's that cutoff line?
And I was just talking to Joe about this the other night where there's a cutoff line where there's people that can live forever and there's people that can't.
Yeah.
And there's going to be.
Well, because money, money will be the delineating factor.
Oh, wow.
When you can download, when you can get a chip and you can download certain things in your brain, you'll buy the software to learn how to fly a helicopter or to get your black belt in jiu-jitsu.
That's a fact.
And the more money you have, the more skills you'll have.
But then the question becomes, to what end?
I wonder how fun it is when you have that skill base and you can speak a language fluently, whatever that language might be.
But you didn't work for it.
So if you didn't work for it, but you have that understanding, I'm not so sure.
I wonder what kind of benefit you get from that.
Like, do you glean the same kind of satisfaction?
Because it takes a long time to be good at something.
Yeah.
Do you have any like that?
You get understanding.
You develop understanding from practice.
Yeah.
You develop understanding from spending a long time at something.
You understand?
Like, you know what I mean?
Well, that's because you're young, my son.
Now come sit on my lap.
Oh, but I've seen that.
That's the whole point.
That's how this answer.
That's that class action lap suit.
I've gotten a couple of emails about it.
That's exactly right.
But no, it's like if everything just becomes, it's almost like a universal basic income idea.
It's like if everybody has it, is there any value?
Are you going to care?
You're just going to put the Spanish chip in when you get fucked up to be at a party and be like, I'm Spanish.
Well, you have that Jocko Willick book here.
So why do you like Jocko Willick?
When you look at Jocko Willick, you go, well, the guy was, he's a black belt in jiu-jitsu.
Sometimes he taps Dean Lister.
So he's really good at that.
He worked really hard at the art and intricate system of jiu-jitsu.
Oh, yeah.
And got downloaded enough of the moves and stuff to be able to kind of cut you off before you make your move, whatever.
He's strategic that way.
We also know he's a tank.
He's 240 pounds.
He's the San Diego double dragon.
He's the double dragon.
I like that.
And you can't double leg him because his legs are tree trunks.
But then also, he was a seal.
They found an owl living in one of his legs the other day.
I believe it.
One of those wood owls.
One of those endangered spotted owls.
Yeah, man.
So you respect a guy like that because he's got scars because he's gone through some shit.
His skin's a little thicker.
Oh, yeah.
You know what I mean?
So you go, yeah, his ears look broken up.
And that's attractive for a human being who's been through the fire, a baptism of fire.
You find yourself drawn to that.
Yeah.
Because they have wisdom.
You don't know why.
So that's why you go to him for advice, but not the 21-year-old who's real good-looking.
Nothing yet.
She's been easy for him.
Yeah, some fucking little stem cell junkie.
Yeah.
Some guy just fucking hanging out and drinking his own blood.
Yeah.
Dude, if I were 21, I'd be up all night jerking off in my own mouth these days.
Honestly, and not in a sick way.
My own.
Well, you can get transfusions.
You don't have to have stem cells.
Think about that.
You can get blood transfusions from young people.
They do that, right?
See, that's what I think it's going to be.
That's going to be that line.
I think the young, like you're saying it's going to be money.
I think it's going to be farming the young.
Yeah, well, I think that the one thing man has always wanted, what's the one thing man's always wanted?
What's the one thing man loves?
This is from Socrates.
What do you think it is?
Good, close.
Close.
I like that.
And we do like horses, but we use them as tools.
Yeah.
What is the one thing man universally everywhere wants?
Women?
No?
What do you think it is?
Contentment?
No.
It's to live forever.
It's immortality.
It's why we love our children.
They push our genes forward.
It's why we love our work because we leave a legacy behind.
And man does whatever he can to leave a mark.
That's why being significant, especially for males, being significant is so fucking important.
And whenever you compare yourself, like you get depressed and you go, I don't know, I feel like I could work harder because you don't feel like you're significant.
You're not doing anything that makes you feel like you're leaving a mark.
I don't know if that's true, but sometimes that could be the case.
You want to leave forever?
It's a good book.
I've read that.
But there's all that shit that kind of comes into it.
So immortality, we've always wanted to live forever.
So now with new longevity, drugs, and technology, holy fuck.
It's on the horizon.
Yeah, man.
Living forever.
I'll fucking see you in 30, 10. That's what it is.
But then what?
You know what I like about living forever?
If you told me at 50, I was going to have the same energy as a 20-year-old, which I do.
Yeah.
Which I fucking do.
Oh, your Fitbit, dude, the other day just fucking blew right off your wrist.
You blew off my wrist, bro.
You saw that, right?
Yeah, I don't run, a sprint.
All right.
And a lot of times I run with sand.
Yeah.
Two buckets of sand and a bamboo pole over my fucking back.
And I run hills, you bitches.
Somebody said that you had four shoulder blades.
Is that true?
No, it's not true.
It just looks that way because I got muscle on top of muscle.
I'm the first comedian to develop muscle on top of muscle.
You understand?
That's why the doctor goes, I got nothing to say.
Oh, yeah.
He wrote on my chart, immortal.
I don't know if that's good.
I don't know if that's good, but he looked at my blood panel and goes, well, guess you're never going to die.
Oh, you're that hemoglobin bad boy.
That's what it is.
I like it.
That's what it is.
That's why you could sell my plasma on the black market for as much as Rhino horn goes for.
You know what I'm saying?
Jesus Christ, man.
People are getting into that.
Hell yeah.
I could cut a diamond with my dick right now.
Damn, dude.
And we can do that.
Yeah, I stretch up and I stretch hard.
It's crazy.
Yeah, and I come over and sit on my lap.
No way.
All right, whatever.
This guy's a fucking baby.
This guy fucking obviously manager and a Chuck Fuckers.
Okay, we have you here today, Brian.
Obviously, thank you so much for always having me on Fighter and the Kid and for you guys always.
You're an original.
So supporting me.
We were talking about, me and Rogan were talking about you yesterday.
That was nice.
We were talking about how great you are as a comic.
We were talking about you and who the fuck else were we talking about?
About being truly unique voices.
That was me.
That was your older peers.
That was two 52-year-olds talking about you, young man.
So bow the fuck down and you're welcome.
Thank you.
On Rogan.
Thank you.
Giving you serious props.
I don't even know what to say.
Dude, I don't want to see you beat yourself up.
All right.
Back to you.
I'll do that.
Back to you.
Back up.
Back to you.
Thank you.
We need somebody who's educated, bro.
And we looked across the field of comedians.
Tough to find.
There was just you, really.
It's a wasteland out there.
Me and Dove David off.
Everything else is a fucking wasteland.
Yeah, and Dove David off, we can't, you know what I'm saying?
You got to know a special mating call to even get him to show up.
Yes, sir.
He's hiding in New York City.
He's doing real estate deals.
He's a real estate mogul.
He can give a fuck about everything.
Oh, yeah.
He's on the 30th floor of his dreams right now.
And you and I are down here fucking around, but we need somebody who's educated.
It's March Madness.
And I firmly believe we're headed back towards state governments, you know, because states are so different that in five years, 10 years, we could see states, you know, just building their own kind of walls or just delineating their own things that fit for their people.
So we want a March Madness.
If these states went at it, who would win?
And we want to get to the Final Four.
We're going to go through at least the first outer round today.
And let's start.
Nick is going to be our referee.
And I was the selection committee as well.
That's why some of these states got buys.
But yeah.
Yeah, good.
Okay, what were the buys based on?
Population.
We split up the regions into West, Midwest, South, and East.
And in each region, the top four, roughly, populations got a buy.
Sometimes it was a little different.
So we kept some matchups we had to see in the first round, like North Dakota, South Dakota, North Carolina, South Carolina.
We really wanted to see those if we would have.
So there was some liberties taken by the selection committee, but here we are.
Okay.
Finally.
Okay, cool.
So let's start with that first round.
Oh, dude.
I was looking at that poster.
I love that painting.
The road to the strap goes through the rat.
Yeah, man.
That's because you guys made the belt, man.
I like that, man.
That's when we freaking sent Rapaport up the river, bro.
He was done after that.
He put his gum under the table.
He put all of his ideas into a piece of gum and just stuck them under the floor.
Well, he should.
If you need Rapaport, he's in the back of my sock drawer, motherfucker.
All right, now go on.
Okay, so where are we starting, Nick?
Let's rock.
Let's start in the upper left here, the Midwest.
Number five, Wisconsin versus number 12, Minnesota.
Okay, in a war?
Yes.
Okay, here's the thing.
I'm going with Minnesota.
Couple reasons.
They're both basically the same people.
The difference is Wisconsin's got a lot of Irish and a lot of other things, a lot of whiskey going on, a lot of cheese and a lot of junk food.
So they're not moving as quickly.
Minnesota's land of the giants.
If you know anything about the history of Minnesota, the people from Scandinavia, especially Norwegians, a lot of Swedes settled up there.
Now, they take to wheat and they take to milk and they take to farming right good.
And they're not afraid of those cold Minnesota winters on top of the fact that they're super organized.
Why?
Because they're an agrarian people.
And if you're not ready for the winter and you don't have a sense of time and organization, if you don't understand how to fucking follow rules, which means march in lockstep, lock and load when you're told to and let loose when you're told to, if the cold does not bother them, and they got big Scandinavian hands that can hold swords and guns and clubs and whatever else they need.
And they can carry a lot of provisions.
Yep.
Cereal.
That's correct, sir.
And they do well on cereal.
There's no gluten intolerance up there.
No.
They live on meat and wheat and potatoes.
Minnesotans?
Fuck it.
And by the way.
These gays, too.
You want a lot of gay men there and women that'll survive a winter.
We're not talking about these summer homos.
There's no dancing there.
No movement in the hips.
This ain't no Billy Elliott, boy.
This is William Iliad.
They walk from the shoulders.
They walk like bears.
Now, here's the other thing you don't know about Minnesota.
All right?
Wisconsin, those winters are brutal.
Minnesota has some food that grows out there in the water.
You know what that is?
I know what it is.
Rice.
Goddamn right.
Wild rice, brother.
So good.
Wild rice.
So now you're starving, but don't worry about that because you go and rake those ponds and now you got a bucket full of rice.
You could swim with your mouth open.
Rice is a...
You can swim with your mouth open.
Rice is a fantastic carbohydrate.
Keeps you going in battle.
Minnesota all day against Wisconsin in a war.
Wisconsin has police.
They have a lot of policemen there.
My dad's from Wisconsin.
Is he?
Was he a policeman?
Born and raised in Milwaukee, so I got respect.
Right.
But my dad's a tough guy, but he's got too much Irish.
Got German and Irish, but mostly Irish.
Too slow.
He moves like Frankenstein, built like Frankenstein, too.
He doesn't have that Norwegian, you know, Norwegians tend to be more V'd out.
Just an easy bone structure.
Oh, they can sleep with their eyes open.
A lot of these people.
Let's go to what we had a video submission from someone who has an insight.
Go ahead.
What up, Theo?
So I think Wisconsin would definitely win in a war just because we've got a ton of serial killers, man.
We had Elise Jeffrey Dahmer.
We have Stephen Avery.
We've got that smiley face killer deed.
We also have Badgers.
You put a Badger on a leash, you send that thing out for someone, you're screwed, man.
Minnesota has badgers too, motherfucker.
See, I think Wisconsin would definitely win.
Wow.
Gang Gang.
Gang Gang, man.
Those are good points.
They are good points.
Serial killers are, you can't control them and they end up killing their own troops.
Here's the problem.
Because they wake up at night and they see all their buddies sleeping.
All they see is throats waiting to be slit.
And they can't help it.
So the next thing you know, Jeffrey Dahmer's eating everybody and cut everybody's throat.
You cut everybody's throat and you catch them drinking everybody's blood.
You're like, dude, you just killed your entire fucking platoon.
He's like, sorry, I couldn't help it.
I didn't do it.
You're like, God damn it, shoot him right now.
And by that time, my Minnesotans have moved in.
Yep, Wisconsin, you have Ron Dane, and Nick Davis is from there.
What do you have, Nick?
That guy mentioned the smiley face killer.
That's just a weird conspiracy because in my hometown of La Crosse, Wisconsin over the past 10 to 15 years, 10 to 15 drunk college guys have just wandered into the river and ended up drowning.
And now there's like documentaries on A&E.
Is it a killer dragging?
You're from La Crosse, Wisconsin?
Yes, sir.
Is that where La Crosse was invented?
Because it was a Native American invention.
It was definitely, yeah, it was Native American land.
And it's actually a place where three rivers meet.
So a tornado will never touch down.
A triumvirate.
Wow.
So you call it La Crosse?
That means the cross.
Huh.
La Crosse.
La Croix.
La Crosse.
La Croix.
La Croix.
Which I think means in French, the cross.
And I speak French.
Okay.
Keep going.
Okay.
You know what I think?
If I had any thoughts on that, I think you even just said it.
People are drunk wandering into rivers when they're supposed to be learning.
That's a huge juxtaposition right there, bro.
You're here to learn and you fucking can't even learn a stat of a river when you've been drinking, bro.
Killing drunk people's easy.
Who wins in a war between the states?
Everybody chimed in.
52%.
Wow, it was neck and neck there.
Minnesota, I think, gets the nod, guys.
Sorry, Nick.
All right.
It hurts.
All right.
Nick's only state is fucking already out.
I did live in Minnesota for eight years and went to University of Minnesota.
Oh, there you go.
We got Kentucky, Missouri next.
We're actually thoughts on that.
Okay, yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it.
Well, I mean, Missouri, Missouri is all good, but see, Missouri is basically it's kind of like a state you forget about, all due respect.
Yeah, unless you like Mark Twain.
It's kind of a state when you think of Missouri, you think about wide open fields.
You don't think about a lot of people.
You think about people spaced out.
St. Louis, dude, where they shot that kid?
Terrible town.
Might be the worst town in the world.
Actually, pretty true.
It's good and bad.
Yeah, and there is a lot of racial division there.
Oh, yeah.
So you're not going to get black people to be like, hey, come fight our war.
They're going to be like, I got my own war to deal with, motherfuckers.
Why do I want to support you?
You haven't been supporting me, so kiss my ass.
Yeah, I'm ficking off nine people by this Hardys over here already.
Yeah, man.
They've been in a war, so shit ain't easy.
So Missouri's just not organized enough.
Now, here's the thing about Kentucky.
Oh, yeah.
Now, Kentucky is where the Hatfields and McCoys come from.
Don't forget that Kentucky is where it was settled by the Highlanders of Northern England.
Oh, God.
By shepherds, which comes from an honor culture.
You solve your problems with violence.
Kentucky was basically in a low-grade civil war.
I mean, the Hatfields and McCoy's came from Kentucky.
You had a good chance of getting killed in Kentucky if you came from somewhere else, if you weren't polite.
God help you if you got it on with another man's woman.
Oh, my God.
Because you solved your problems with a knife or a gun.
And that goes back to the beginning of our country in Kentucky.
Beginning of time.
In those fucking hills, in the hills of Kentucky, you want to get yourself a big old army?
Everybody has guns.
They can't fucking wait.
And all they need is a common enemy to get together.
Because when you're from Kentucky, everybody else is from somewhere else.
Yeah.
You know what they say?
Kentucky can fuck you up.
That's what they say.
Now, keep in mind, they always have some whiskey in their body at all times.
That's a good point, man.
You know from the South.
Yeah.
But Missouri, they're a little more God-fearing.
You see, Kentucky, God doesn't touch down.
He does.
They'll go to church.
They'll go to church, but it's a little bit like taking a stone and dropping it in a well.
You can keep that stone in a well for as long as you want.
When you break that stone open, water is only on the outside.
Amen.
You understand?
Yeah, yeah.
You understand?
God doesn't much permeate into the hillbilly's into the hillbilly's heart.
Yeah, the Lord.
Honor, honor, territory, territory, honor.
And loyalty.
Loyalty to your family and your clan.
So do not fuck with people in Kentucky because they will fight you right now.
And by the way, they have at least 25 kids.
It's it.
I mean, every kid.
Short kids, they put them on each other and just give them a long gun for the kids.
Yeah, man.
So you're fighting entire families, bro.
And you know you fight for your family.
So Missouri doesn't have a fucking chance.
In fact, Kentucky goes to war with Missouri and Missouri becomes Kentucky.
Missouri just disappears.
That's it.
So it's 100 to zero in my book.
I'm going to say again, I was in East St. Louis and there was a Ramada and while I was there, it got taken over by, I don't even know what it was.
Kentuckians?
I mean, it could have been anything.
Oh, if you hear a lot of that.
I don't know.
In the morning, suddenly there was just a bunch of people working at the front desk that didn't even work there.
It was fucking very different.
That's Home of the Hill, Billy.
Home of the Hill, Billy.
I would have to say Kentucky too on that one, man.
And the listeners agree, 72% went Kentucky.
There you go, bro.
Missouri has that river access, man.
Well, that's...
Kentucky will just turn around and go, hey, guys, don't have much money, but I got all the whiskey, all the moonshine you need.
That's true.
Those mercenaries are like, fuck this.
I want to drink and fuck.
We got hot women.
We got hard horses, dude.
You want to watch them fuck?
It's two bucks.
There you go.
There you go, man.
You want to watch them fight?
It's four.
That's right.
Girls will take it for the team, too.
Oh, a lot of tall women there, too.
Listen, I've had some good times in Kentucky.
Just know that.
They got the best bourbon in the world.
And I've had some good times in Kentucky.
Damn.
You understand me?
Oh, you seem like it.
Now, watch how my voice goes now.
Now, listen up.
I've had some good times.
People asked me.
Wow.
How good a time is it?
Ask me what I did in Kentucky.
What did you do in Kentucky, buddy?
Stay busy.
Oh, damn, bro.
Yeah.
Stay busy.
Wow, you've been eating gravel, huh?
Yeah, a little bit.
Damn.
I got a special place in my heart for Kentucky.
I can hear it.
Yeah.
Sometimes I call it Kentucky.
I know what you're saying, boy.
Because I'm a cunt crazy fool.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you understand?
Oh, what's that in those hills?
Oh, that's cunt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's Kuntucky.
I secretly say that among my friends.
I know nobody's listening right now, so I can say this to you.
Oh, this is safe between you and me.
That's it, brother.
That's it.
Kentucky.
Kuntucky is going to cunt their way right into the surface.
God-fearing girls only on Sunday, though.
Oh, yeah.
Minute that done kneeling in church.
Oh, they got that Chick-fil-A plus.
Yeah, that is correct.
That is correct.
Kentucky.
This thing's only open six days a week, you know?
You better shut it down and put pickles on it.
God damn.
But I don't have any teeth.
Don't you worry about that.
Yeah.
Daddy didn't give a fuck about teeth.
Yeah.
I'm kidding.
I've seen some beautiful women in Kentucky.
And the men, though, I feel like coming a little bit.
The women are really the prize over there.
The women can fight in Kentucky.
Oh, yeah.
And the men can too, and they will.
The men sniff the air.
There's no talking.
The men in Kentucky will go.
Yeah.
You're raised to go.
You understand?
Oh, that's the instinct belt.
Oh, yeah.
Now, let me tell you what a man in Kentucky does.
When you come at him, he meets you halfway.
Oh, Jesus.
You understand?
Yeah.
You don't even get to go all the way there.
Nah, he meets you halfway.
Jesus.
All right.
And it's just out of kindness.
It's the only place I've ever had a guy try to fight me for no reason.
Wow.
Yeah.
And by the way, I was ready.
Damn, damn, bro.
I was in a threesome one time in Indiana.
Really?
Yeah.
How was that?
It wasn't that great.
One girl, pretty cool.
Her friend, not cool, not very attractive.
You know, not that that matters, but it also matters.
And she kind of looked like, remember back in like vaudeville, the vaudeville weightlifters, like those people who wear the one strap and the thing, and it said a thousand kilograms on it, you know?
She looked like that, like that old school bodybuilder.
And she was on the side of the bed doing fucking like, I don't know what she was doing, burpees or something, while me and the one girl were having sex.
And they didn't even really know each other that good.
So they were also trying to get to know each other.
It was fucking awkward.
Our friend had a scale and one of those old school scales where you can measure somebody's height.
He brought a girl home.
He's a big guy, played football.
And she was thick.
Oh, yeah.
Thick, thick.
And I respect a man who's not afraid of someone who's thick.
He put her on that scale and he called me up the next day and he said, she came in at 5'3, 184.
And she looked up at me and I looked at her and I said, those numbers are not good.
But I'm still attracted to you.
Wow.
So I appreciate that.
He went back in for seconds.
I appreciate that in a man.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, anyway.
That's that golden corral.
So now we got Oregon, Idaho, and Montana.
That's like when your van breaks down outside of a golden corral, you got to eat there a couple times, you know?
Or are there any other first-round matchups that you really have a strong inclination on?
You're talking about Iowa and Nebraska.
Let's go there.
Now, listen, man, this is a tough one.
Very similar.
You got good wrestlers.
You got good wrestlers and tough farm boys.
Out of both places.
Oh, damn.
Do you ever?
You might have to go.
I'll tell you how you make this decision.
I went to Nebraska, very simple.
Now, I went to wrestling camp in Iowa.
Oh, it's Dan Gable's camp.
Oh, yeah.
Dan Gable was a champ.
Hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
All right.
Realize that if that was what D1 wrestling was, I didn't have it.
You were D8.
And I didn't want to.
I was D8, brother.
I'm an actor.
That was crazy.
Did I go back to my high school and crush everybody in my senior year?
Did I lose only once?
I think that's probably true.
Yes, I think I lost only once.
But who's a high school wrestler?
This is not about me.
No, he was a white.
Jesus.
No, but Iowa's got some crazy tough people.
Nebraska and Iowa.
I need to see, this is how you make this decision.
I need to see who has the bigger population.
Wow.
And whoever has the bigger population is who you go with in a war.
But I want to also know the land elevation of both.
Can we look into both of those?
Now, I like that.
You know why?
Because when you got higher elevation, you got better wind.
Yeah.
So I'm enjoying that.
So Iowa has way more people.
You go with Iowa 100%.
They got over a million more people.
Wow.
So, of course it's Iowa.
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And now, back to the anarchy.
Like the population alone.
Yeah, you got to go Iowa.
You got to go Iowa.
If we go population for all the matchups, it's going to be a quick, quick March Madness.
Right, but it's not.
So that might have been a bad, yeah.
So I'm only using population in this instance because they're so similar.
They're so similar.
I don't give a fuck how many people.
Missouri could have all the people.
Kentucky's still kicking their ass.
Well, here's the thing.
If you were in Iowa, they got the same stuff Nebraska's got, you know, except people in Iowa say they're in Iowa and people in Nebraska say they're in Nebraska.
That's the only difference between them.
What happened there?
Ooh, Iowa 41, Nebraska.
Wow.
59. Well, you have the Corn Huskers.
You have the Hawkeyes.
You have more Hawks in Iowa.
Yeah.
So you can have more things, you know, that air.
Tougher teams, more winnings.
I don't know.
I don't know.
You got BJ Armstrong came out of Iowa State.
You got some tough kids from Iowa, boy.
But Nebraska, dude.
It's got Nebraska.
Corn-fed boys.
Corn, yeah.
Corn's not good for you.
It spikes your insulin.
That's true, actually.
So you got a bunch of diabetics over there.
Exactly.
Yeah, who's got the gout?
Oh, dude, when you get fucking Milo and Milo in your fucking elbows, it's a wrap.
Nah, you need to go with Iowa.
That stat's wrong.
Yeah.
I'll rock Iowa there.
All right.
Yeah, because a million more people is a lot.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, it's a lot.
It's a lot.
Let's round out the first round in the Midwest, North Dakota versus South Dakota.
Well, one of them has the Black Hills, pop.
I think you go North Dakota because they're colder and people from colder climates are a little more hardy.
They are also closer to Canada, though, so they're more polite.
Yeah.
So they say sorry after they punch you probably.
You know that some Canada juice rolled into the North Dakotans.
Oh, yeah, a little bit of that seeping down, a little bit of that fucking soft syrup, that simple syrup, they call it, dude.
We had regular syrup, then we went up to Canada and got a little simple around there, you know?
Where are the Badlands?
So if the Badlands are where I think they are, you go North Dakota.
Yeah, you don't get a name like that from just fucking having regular lands, bro.
These lands have fucking been in after-school detention.
Correct, sir.
Badlands, South Dakota.
Wow.
I'm going South Dakota.
Yeah, because I could see some of that, you know, that kindness from Canada slipping in.
Yeah.
You got South Dakota right there, the Badlands.
Jesse James was from there.
Jesse Jackson.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Jesse, the guy that was on The Bachelor, I think.
Just a little bit of a fan.
Yeah, Jesse Smollett.
He was from there if you asked me.
There's somebody named Jesse and Jesse.
They're all from that area.
Yeah, dude.
That's the misspelling country.
They don't even give a fuck how they're spelled.
They lie and shit.
They'll do whatever they got to do to fuck you up.
And they'll fake an injury and sue.
They'll do whatever they have to do.
Yeah, and one of them's No Dakota and one of them's So Dakota.
There you go.
So Dakota.
Yep.
So Dakota.
All right, that does it for the first round of the Midwest.
Let's move over to the east.
How quickly a state can fall, it's amazing to see that.
Man, man.
It's incredible.
It's amazing to see.
Amazing.
And this is what it's like, bro, even at a government level.
I know.
It's a couple of fucking moonbeams sitting around on top of Eddie Bravo's fucking darkest dreams, just pointing fingers and deciding who does what, man.
You're right.
That's all it is, right?
Maryland, Delaware.
Look into it.
We're in the east.
Well, shit.
I mean, is Delaware really a state?
I mean, I know it is, but I've driven through Delaware.
It took me five minutes to drive through.
Yeah.
Like, Delaware could be.
Delaware was the tailwind.
Yeah.
The thing is, Delaware could be just taken over by Maryland and you would never notice.
So I don't know if I'm even, I think Delaware, Delaware is more of a province of Maryland.
Yeah, they call it the honky Puerto Rico, dude.
Delaware is barely Silverware, Delaware.
It's not even really named after much, I feel like.
We got somebody live on the scene here.
Maryland would easily win the state award, bro.
We got Michael Phelps, most athletic guy in the world.
We're Lewis.
He murdered someone once and got away with it, bro.
He'll do it again.
We also have the White House is in Maryland.
Trump will nuke every single state that tries to fuck with us.
We literally cannot lose, period.
Hey, you're, hey, hey, you fucking dummy.
Hey, Michael Feltz is not the most athletic person in the world.
And fucking, how dare you say the White House is in Maryland, you non-American?
Get that ISIS plant off that screen.
Don't ever bring that guy up again.
Well, this is his buddy here.
This is his business.
He's fucked.
Don't ever send him.
How the fuck do you do a video lying there like looking all cuddly and cozy?
Bro, this is you when you were young.
We got this out of a time cap that you did in high school.
He's son of a bad guy.
Let's listen to this guy.
Delaware.
I feel like Delaware would just kind of hide in the corner somewhere, like under a table, and then when the coast is clear, they pop out.
Did I blue on this?
He makes a point.
Is that fucking Schwitz?
Where's that guy fucking sitting in that face?
Why is his right hand all curled up on his chest like a little cutie?
Polio.
Man.
If they got polio in Delaware, dude.
He's holding the hanky or his little silk, the little piece of silk cloth his mom gave him.
The guy was only this big.
He's about that big.
He's got a little blankie, a little baby blankie.
Maryland, you have Baltimore, the opioid epidemic.
It's the U.S. CEO.
Baltimore alone.
Baltimore alone.
Fucking walking zombies.
Oh, man.
And they got guns to enforce the law.
Dude, crap.
You got lobster and guns?
Baltimore alone.
You get those gangsters in Baltimore and they'll take over Delaware.
They will annex Delaware.
Bro, you get a couple sisters hopped up on some fucking lump crab and give them a fucking grenade.
They chip some.
They'll chip some nails.
Oh, yeah.
So I think that's an easy one for me, man.
Delaware, good luck.
But also, Silverware, Delaware, you're a product.
Hardware?
They barely got you in.
Correct.
But God bless you guys.
Connecticut and Rhode Island.
Connecticut has hills, man.
Connecticut is basically Britain.
It's like little Britain.
Yeah.
Here's the thing about Rhode Island, people don't realize.
Providence, Rhode Island is the last gangster town.
Providence, Rhode Island is so mafia-heavy and so heavily run by the mafia.
Rhode Island can get any kind of weaponry they want.
Now, Connecticut may have a couple pistolas.
Rhode Island.
Trebuchets.
They have trebuchets, are they?
They got trebuchets.
Yeah.
Which is a fancy word for catapult.
Thank you for the French.
You bet.
The oval.
Oh, you like it.
Trebuchet because you Cajun.
I got a little bit, man.
We had this little trebuchets, and you put it in front of you and just shoot a little bit of the dessert into your mouth.
Correct.
They got trebuchets.
See, they can get grenade launchers.
They put a bomb in your car.
So they kill the entire...
Rhode Island just puts a hit on all of them.
They blow them all up on their cars.
So Rhode Island is mafia.
Providence alone.
You're not getting into Providence because they run it from Providence.
It's the mafia.
You're fighting the mafia.
They fight dirty.
They already got inroads.
They already got your house bugged.
They already got your fucking car.
Your stone wall.
They have a lot of stonewall.
They got everything.
They know everything about you before anything happens.
You're done.
You're done.
You got water access.
What about Hartford, though?
Hartford.
Ah, it doesn't matter.
Hartford's just a big...
Yeah.
Connecticut's going to need insurance after Rhode Island's done with it.
I go with Rhode Island all fucking day.
Connecticut's one big forest anyway.
I used to live there.
Yeah.
It's just deer and forest and ticks.
Is it?
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Yeah, I saw a guy get bit by a dog in fucking Providence, dude.
And yeah, it seemed dangerous, dude.
Not as low as streetlights.
There's dogs everywhere in Rhode Island.
Stray dogs, packs of strays.
Crazy dogs, dude.
And there's a dark dog underworld over there, too, dude.
Babies and everything.
Maybe.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll go with Providence, Bad Boy, Rhode Island.
I'm good there.
There you go.
Sweet.
West Virginia, Vermont.
It's not even a question.
West Virginia.
Just them rednecks will take Vermont.
Vermont is the home of Bernie Sanders.
Ben and Jerry's, though.
Exactly.
Weed.
Ben and Jerry's weed and their socialists.
Driving around in Volkswagens, listening to The Grateful Dead.
Pumpkin Pie, the whole fucking nine.
Yeah.
They are too high and too liberal to do anything.
I could go in and take over Vermont alone.
I could beat up that whole fucking state alone.
I need a small club and, I don't know, a piece of meat because they'd run from it.
I would love that movie, Brian Callum versus Vermont.
Shit.
You got to make that movie.
I'll beat them all up.
I'll beat that whole state up.
Fuck that place.
I like Vermont, but fuck it as well.
It's too liberal for me.
And fuck Bernie Sanders.
There I said it.
He's a fucking socialist.
He went to the Soviet Union on his honeymoon.
Did he, Ryan?
That guy, yes, he did.
So fuck that guy.
Okay?
That guy's not an American.
He's a communist.
So kiss my ass.
He's a closet communist, and so are all Vermontins.
All right.
Wow.
By the way, I've been skiing and all.
I lived.
I went to high school up there.
I know Vermont very fucking well.
My sister went to Burlington.
My first love was from Burlington from Lake Champlain, the whole fucking nine yards.
I know all about UVM, that liberal fast race.
Holy shit, are they liberal?
Too liberal, too progressive.
Go fuck yourself.
Not a gun to be found in that whole state.
And I know there are people out there that are, you know, there are farmers out there, but even the farmers hate each other.
They're like, hey out, hey out.
That's how they talk.
Ask me a question that ends in yes, where I got to say yes.
Oh, man.
Do you have a lot of different senior diseases?
Hey out!
That's how they say yes.
Hey out!
Hey out!
So it takes that long to say yes.
Oh, they're fucked.
Are you locked and loaded?
Hey yeah, by that time you're dead.
So West Virginia, those fucking, those rednecks in West Virginia, they come into Vermont and you're done.
You're fucking done.
Yeah.
Everybody has a gun in West Virginia.
They shoot at planes.
Oh, yeah.
What?
Yeah, there you go.
74%.
Wow, over 26%, motherfuckers.
Humanity has spoken, dude.
Are you kidding me?
West Virginia.
West Virginia.
Get the fuck out of here, man.
If you fart in Vermont and everybody doesn't smell it a little, it doesn't count.
Oh, my God.
You got a citation for polluting the air.
Yeah.
That's crazy, man.
Vermont.
My God, the People's Republic of Vermont?
You out of your mind?
The catamount?
Shit, man.
They had that good coach, and they fucking let him go.
They got statues to Lenin.
Yeah.
They want to bring back the Soviet Union.
Lenin who?
Leningrad?
Well, yeah, Vladimir Lenin, who was essentially the founder of the Communist Revolution.
Fuck that debt left shrimp, maybe, bro, but nobody else, bro.
It's as far fucking foreign as I go.
I'm right with you, brother.
Who's next, buddy?
New Hampshire versus Maine to close out the East.
Now, Maine, I'm going to start out with Maine, bro.
You got, first of all, you got a lot of celebrity money living off the coast up there.
Kirstie Alley has a summer home up there.
John Travolta sneaks up there with young men from the mainland.
You got a lot of, you got goonies out there.
Whaling.
You got whaling.
You got whaling just.
That's where the whalers.
Oh, whalers.
The people who used to whale, they come from Maine.
That's a hardest stock, bro.
They got the black bears of Maine, bro.
Maine all day in this fight.
60 different berries that will fucking kill you.
And they got the coast, brother.
They Got the sea, bro.
They have rock beaches.
There's pictures of people laying on fucking sharp beaches in the summer.
They've been in Maine all day.
They got access to the sea.
Everybody's growing up.
They got a navy.
Yeah.
And they can shoot over their own state and into Maine with those hell with those fucking submarines.
They got, dude.
And first of all, how do you even get to Maine?
You know how hard it is going to be to get there to fight them?
Yeah, you can't do it.
New Hampshire, though, bro.
Where?
Yeah.
Six people live in New Hampshire.
Six people.
I used to go to, again, I spent my summers in New Hampshire.
Did you?
Yes.
God, you were everywhere.
I was.
I went to summer camp up in Lake Winnipesaukee.
Oh, it sounds like it's a bad thing.
That lake was so clean you could drink out of it.
Again, another progressive state.
Another state that's so clean it's ridiculous.
With your clean-ass lakes.
I grew up next to that tuberculosis sipper that you funct a river, baby.
That's what I'm talking about.
By the way, the people agree.
64%.
Oh, yeah.
When you grew up, you jump in that water.
You can catch chlamydia.
Oh, dude, my buddy jumped in, bro.
He got out.
He was four years older.
I believe it, dude.
Four years fucking older, dude.
You got STD and you got eye infections for the rest of your life.
Oh, yeah.
How's your eye?
Better, right?
It's okay, dude.
But can you get pink eye from your own butt or not?
Probably.
I got to look that up.
We'll look it up after this.
You're kicking around in your butt.
I wasn't.
So that does it for the East Region first round.
Some interesting matchups in the second.
And the little Gianni over here, who's a fucking, he's going to be in a movie with Olivia Smart coming up, actually.
Is that right?
Yeah.
You an actor?
Yes.
There you go.
It's Octavia Spencer.
Sorry, the black Olivia Smart.
Yeah, are you in my special Complicated Apes that's now everywhere you can rent or buy?
I am, yeah.
Oh, good.
All right.
It's great.
See Johnny in Complicated Apes.
Number one album on iTunes, right?
I love the fact that we call him Johnny, too, now.
That's fucking good.
But you know they spell it where he's from, Rhode Island?
G-I-A-N-N-I.
Johnny, you're Italian.
You're from Rhode Island?
Yeah.
There you go.
So you know, you know about Providence.
Rich, bro.
Look at the stem cells in that little motherfucker.
He's a young, easy young kid with a full mouth.
Dude, I'm not just to feel better, bro.
Damn, right.
Do you any wrestling or anything?
I do boxing.
You do boxing?
Yeah.
You do boxing.
I played hockey growing up a lot, like for probably 18 years.
Where do you box?
I box and burn in Brentwood with Tammy.
So you don't do any sparring?
A little bit.
Not much, because I'm an actor.
With Brentwood Schaub over there, he goes in the morning.
Come over to Gloveworks.
We'll get you moving around the room.
Pop a cow and take you around a little bit.
See what happens.
I want to see what your patterns are about.
See if you fall for certain things.
I'm not going to beat you.
I'm going to mark you up a little bit.
I'm not going to hurt you.
But I'm going to let you know.
I'm going to let you know.
That's all.
Dude, his favorite pattern is Burberry, bro.
This guy has no fucking...
Correct.
You putting up some numbers, bro?
How much do I weigh?
No, I'm talking about you putting up some numbers.
Is this him?
Let me see how he punches.
You putting up numbers?
All right, I'm putting you in.
Oh, you got Tommy Good.
You got that fucking AIDS.
You got some speed, but I'm not liking where your hand is when you're throwing.
I see too much of an opening.
I'm going to catch you there.
I'm going to catch that.
All right, good.
Athletic.
Athletic weights on your front foot a little bit too much, but I like the way you're leaning forward there, but that's all right.
Yeah, Dustin Pourier would beat your ass, though.
He might.
He might.
But the kid's athletic.
Yeah.
He's good, man.
He's got a strong upper body.
So if he ends up in a wheelchair, he'll stop.
He's not a pussy.
He's not a pussy.
You were a hockey player?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're an athlete.
All right.
I appreciate that.
Dude, it's easy to get around when you can slide on the surface.
Basketball.
And I was outdoors all the time.
I heard you could actually dunk.
I could at one time.
That's pretty impressive.
Thanks, man.
Got that tailpiece.
That's why.
Yeah, it was all ass, bro.
They called me the fucking, the flying ass.
Yep.
I remember.
I remember.
That fucking cheek meat hit in the air.
Cheek meat.
God, boy, Pink Eye was my fucking defense.
That's what I get people.
I watch his ass.
He doesn't wipe.
Ah, fuck.
There go my eyes.
Sorry to interrupt, but you know how I do.
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All right, let's move on to the south region, bro.
Come on, man.
This one's going to get sticky.
It gets sticky because you got a lot of cortisol in the air.
You got a lot of testosterone.
You got a lot of gasoline.
You got a lot of rope burn.
You got a lot of homestyle.
Fuck Virginia, Tennessee.
Man, man, oh man.
I'm going to Tennessee because Tennessee is even more southern.
Tennessee, Kentucky with a hat on.
Yeah, bro.
They got guns.
They got good whiskey.
Tennessee, you got Knoxville.
You got Nashville.
Ooh, Tennessee, I've spent some time in Tennessee.
I spent time in Virginia, too.
Yeah, you went to elementary school.
Yeah, but Virginia, remember, I believe Alexandria, Virginia is where the CIA has their headquarters.
So now we got to take that into account.
And it's the capital of the Confederacy, I believe, is in Virginia.
So you know what?
Virginia, I might have to go Virginia because they got the intelligence.
They already got all the intelligence, the topography of Tennessee.
They know everything about it.
That's true.
That's true.
They got all the books.
And Virginia also has most presidents buried in any graveyard is in Virginia.
So they got those presidential ghosts.
Yes.
If somebody's able to arouse the dead to enforce the troops, they're going to have leadership like no other.
Yeah, you got evil ghost power.
And that's Hollywood Cemetery.
I think it's actually called a Hollywood Cemetery.
Can you look that up?
Yeah, I'm going to Virginia all day long.
Yeah.
Alexandria, Virginia.
You got Department of Defense.
You got all kinds of shady shit that goes on there, man.
Yeah, you got a lot of universities in Virginia, too.
You got a lot of young blood.
You got Radford, Virginia Tech.
So you got good ideas.
You got a lot of brain power in Virginia.
Yeah, you have a lot of brain power.
Or brain power and the CIA?
Yeah.
Virginia all day.
But then, bro, if you go to Tennessee, man, my mother used to live in Tennessee.
And they got rivers.
They have the land.
They have the...
You can get into some guerrilla warfare in the Blue Hills, Tennessee.
Yeah.
Okay.
The Smoky Mountains.
The Smoky Mountains.
You get in them Smoky Mountains.
And here's the thing.
Damn, you're right.
Hollywood Cemetery.
Goddamn.
Beautiful cemetery, man.
Damn, bro.
It's impressive.
It's a little bit.
Now, here's the thing.
Tennessee puts up a defense.
They put up a defense because they're living in the woods.
But Virginia, Virginia, now.
Virginia just kind of, what they do is when you're in the woods, you got to leave your kids and you're your wife behind, they just corral them up and they just put them in a camp and they say, listen, we're not going to feed them until you guys come out of the woods.
That's what they did in the Boer Wars, or the British did to the Boers to the Dutch in South Africa.
Yeah.
So here's the thing.
That's how you break a guerrilla resistance.
Yeah, with a man.
Virginia loses to Tennessee.
They're looking at the wrong things.
But that's between them.
We choose.
Yeah, they're wrong.
The people are always wrong, and we're here to correct the people.
It's not their fault.
We're here to correct the people.
Go, Virginia.
Wow.
Look at them writing it in.
That's just how it's done.
That's government, guys.
You want to know what government is like?
Okay.
That's socialism.
You all vote for something, but then some fella sitting by an American flag next to a piece of electricity tells you, nah, nah, nah, that's a typo.
I know.
Bang, bang.
This one's a tough one, Alabama, Mississippi.
Mississippi's got that river.
Oh, yeah.
You understand?
And when you got a river, you can move provisions, you can move forces up and down.
Yep, they got that Gulf of Mex.
The Gulf goes right out.
Yeah, there's a lot of advantages to Mississippi.
But they got to go through Louisiana to get to the end of the river, first of all.
So they're going to have to deal with a little bit of Louisiana.
Mississippi, you have severe education issues.
Severe education issues.
And it's the fattest state in the Union.
That's the pork rhyme belt, dude.
Yeah, so you got some fatty pants.
You got some obesity, to say the least.
They used to have a lot of good football players, but not as many as they used to.
Now, Alabama, you have Nick Saban, first of all, could be the coach of your entire army.
I'm going with Alabama then.
Yeah.
You got Nick Saban.
You know he's a field general.
You know his strategy.
So Nick Sabin takes over and you're done.
Yeah.
Now there are more alligators in Mississippi, but that just means more of your guys are getting going down.
Yeah.
You're trying to sneak around, bam, snack, don't let it.
Plus, you got malaria when the whole grid breaks down.
Oh, yeah.
You know, there's more water in Mississippi, so everybody's got malaria.
You got Malaria Jackson over there, too, dude.
I think I went to middle school with her.
Let's hear we got a white guy has something to say.
All right.
Yo, gang, gang, Theo.
It's Jordan here.
Just wanted to start by saying, man, my home state of Alabama would most definitely win if there was ever a war to break out between the states.
Reason being, man, we got Kay Ivy as governor.
Old grandma cooking in the kitchen.
She's got that vodka underneath the counter.
We got Nick Saban, man.
Look, really, we have some of the hardest workers you'll ever find in the state, man.
Some of the most down-to-earth people willing to give you the shirt off their back, but also willing to stand up and fight for their values.
Look, we love our God.
We love our guns.
And we don't drink beer on Sundays.
We weren't raised on that sweet corn.
No, no.
We were raised on that whole milk and that biscuits and gravy.
Get with it.
I like that kid.
That's American.
See that fucking kid?
Yeah, that's a good one.
That kid is a bear now.
I love that boy.
And that boy's right.
Talking about Nick Sabin.
I love that kid.
So he's right.
You want to fight dudes like that in Alabama?
Yeah.
No, no, no.
That's a good kid right there.
But don't push him.
He's got his boundaries, and he knows exactly.
He knows exactly what he's willing to fight for.
A man defines himself on what he's willing to fight for.
And Alabama has no problem, no problem establishing what they fight for.
I'm going with that kid.
I'll go with that guy.
He'll give you the shirt off his back, but don't push him.
Don't take liberties, you understand?
He'll give you the shirt off his back, dude, but if you want a scarf, dude, you're going to get your fucking ass.
We don't drink beer on Sundays.
God bless that kid.
Good Christian living.
Yeah.
All right.
That guy's got the Lord in his veins.
And Mississippi, I think, just still a little too much.
Too much of the devil down there, man.
It is too much of the devil.
A little too.
Dude, there's still people.
Some guys, you know, think they're still enslaved down there.
I bet you most people can't spell Mississippi down in Mississippi.
Oh, they made it way too hard.
I don't know.
It was that many S's and P's.
They made it way too hard, dude.
Shit.
But very good recipes, but that kind of stuff's just going to get your troops.
They'll never make it out of the mess hall.
Man, they all got diabetes.
Yeah, that's a diabetes belt.
That's that sugar belt.
Yeah.
You know, a lot of sugar lizards down there.
A lot of old school money, a lot of young people getting on opioids because the daddy owned the cot and this and that, and the kids aren't doing much.
A lot of, you know, a lot of their best assets a lot of times leave to go to other places to have opportunity.
You're right.
Unfortunately.
And hopefully that changes.
And I think it is, but not today.
It's not.
Alabama.
Wow.
Look at that.
76%.
Wow.
I can't believe 24% of people fought Mississippi.
That's that education.
Yeah.
That's true.
Yeah.
North Carolina, South Carolina.
You got to go to South Carolina.
More aggressive.
Yeah.
I mean, it's just more southern.
I guarantee there are.
See, the more south you go, the more guns there are.
That's just a fact.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of guns in North Carolina.
And I love both states, but I'm going South Carolina.
Man, I think right now in North Carolina, you got Zion Williamson over there, dude.
You have University of North Carolina.
You have Duke.
You have Wake Forest.
You have a little bit more education.
But then they're less apt to fight.
They're more apt to reboot.
But they might fight more strategically, though.
But I went to school in Charleston, South Carolina for a semester.
And I hitchhiked up there, actually, from a boating regatta down in Biloxi, Mississippi, and slept on a man's couch for a while.
I almost got arrested petting a cat on some lady's porch that I didn't know.
Yeah.
And don't do that, dude.
That's when you're at that fucking moment where you're like, who am I?
You know, you're standing outside of a sleeping woman's window petting a cat, dude.
That's a problem.
That's when you, thankfully I put the cat down, I fucking left.
She thought you were a peeping Tom.
Oh, well, after that, there's not much left to do except crime.
That's true, man.
That's true.
I didn't know the cat.
Now, you shouldn't have had your pants down around your arm.
That's where she probably felt a little worse.
No, I wore two belts when I went over there just so I'd have to think twice before I did anything.
I understand.
I understand.
But I'll say this, man.
South Carolina, you have a lot of sailing and stuff over there.
You have the total access.
They used to have one of the largest indentured servant markets was right there in Charleston.
You have the battery in Charleston.
You have cannons already lining the walls there.
You have Clemson.
You know, they pronounce it with a P in it, but it didn't even have a P in it.
Damn, Clemson.
But they call it Clemson.
Yeah, and if you don't say Clemson, they get pissed, bro.
They do?
And it doesn't have a letter in it, bro.
So that's the kind of psychology you're dealing with.
Damn, I'm going South Carolina.
Wow, you're fucking convinced somebody of something?
Yeah, man.
I'm going South Carolina.
Fuck, this has never happened.
What do the people say?
What do you guys think, Nick?
Do you have any thoughts?
I mean, I think you just – you gave a really compelling argument.
I had North Carolina before, but after all that, I can't even – You got Michael Jordan.
You got his blood still running in the streams over there.
Yeah, Jordan.
He's a shooter.
Jordan, like Artie Lang said it best about Michael Jordan.
His will to win was second to none.
He said, if Michael Jordan had been on the Titanic, it would not have sunk.
Wow.
He would have been plugging holes with his own hands.
Oh, yeah.
So, you know, if Michael comes back to run his army, I don't know.
Yeah.
Well, he bought the Charlotte Bobcats and they fucking sunk.
They didn't do well.
That's why.
That's why.
And that ship sunk.
That's why I'm going South Carolina all day.
I'll go South Carolina too on this one, man, with the upset.
Wow.
Again, people don't know shit.
That's northern elitism right there.
It is.
And you know, there's a lot of Yankees.
There's a lot of fancy kids that can't get into some of these Ivy Leaguers.
They end up in these bootleg schools pretending that those are Ivy League.
UNC is one of them.
You know, God bless the heels.
My mother went to Duke, and I respect them, and that's not really one of them.
But also Cornell, they'll put them out or University of Indiana.
They'll pretend like that's not where the Ku Klux Klan started.
Or there's just other schools that they use a lot of times.
Right.
Louisiana.
Louisiana and Arkansas.
It's a tough one.
See, now Arkansas, again, a lot of farming.
Tough people, but farms.
You get the hills, though.
You got the bottom of the Rocky Mountains.
There's something about Louisiana.
Louisiana is home to Normans.
Yeah, voodoo.
I was about to say the dark arts of voodoo.
You got what is it?
Santeria?
Santeria.
And you got voodoo.
And there's an under tapestry.
You got rats.
You got those nutrias that are African rats.
They're the biggest rats in the world.
There's shit in Louisiana you don't even know about.
They got every poisonous snake in the world, including cobras, probably.
Dude, they have a rat that can catch a frisbee there, and that's a nutrea right there.
You eat those fucking things.
And look, you can eat them, dude, if you want to die.
I know you can.
I heard they're good eating.
They're like a beaver, right?
I mean, look at that fucking thing.
I mean, here's the thing.
It's the only place they are from.
And yes, they came over on slave ships, man.
It's fascinating.
And they're French, actually.
Yeah.
Beautiful French rat.
It's a beautiful French rat.
I like nutrients.
Here's the thing, man.
You just got to go to Louisiana.
Because there are, see, I'll tell you what, there's an underworld in Louisiana, too.
Arkansas doesn't have an underworld.
That's true, Governor Edwards, David Duke.
You got a lot of dirty minds bubbling up over there.
Yeah, bro.
And there's like veins under the...
But there's a network of tunnels.
Yeah.
Artery of evil.
Yeah.
It's an artery of shit that gets done where you don't see things.
There's all kinds of shit that goes on that you don't see in Louisiana.
Huey P. Long, who was supposed to be the next president-elect, possibly, was gunned down in the state capitol, man, in the 60s there.
You have a lot of famous politicians have gone to jail there for crimes.
By the way, look at that.
Wow.
People agree.
Louisiana 85 to 15. Arkansas hasn't been good since they had Norm Richardson running shit over there.
Will Wade at least got busted this year over at Louisiana State University for fucking bringing in the best illegal players ever.
I didn't know that because Arkansas is one of those states I always forget about.
All due respect.
I've been.
Well, I say give it to Palestine, man.
Well, you know.
It wouldn't be a bad idea, would it?
It wouldn't be a bad idea.
Hey, you know what?
If they're not going to help you over there, we'll help you over here.
That's a good point, man.
I like the word.
They have a new home.
Yeah, they got a lot of tunnels there, too.
All right.
Well, Palestine.
That does it for the South region first round.
Time for the West.
Palestarkans.
Wouldn't that be good?
But yeah, that's a long name, though.
It's all right.
It is all right.
Oregon, Idaho, Montana.
I mean, Montana's the last frontier, man.
Idaho's great, but it's a lot of rich people.
Is it?
Yeah, now people are moving.
Boise's beautiful.
Sun Valley, Boise.
You got Charlemagne.
You got all kinds of places where people go.
Idaho's become the playground for the rich.
So Montana's still got Cowboys, still got tough people.
Oregon, man, you still have, though, you got Nike.
First of all, everyone is going to be fitted to.
It's a bunch of white people with bad tattoos and sensible shoes.
Oregon, Oregon, I mean, I mean, it's so liberal and progressive.
Portland.
Fuck out of here.
Plus, it's always raining and they're depressed.
Yeah, some homeless guy, if a homeless guy falls asleep on you, you can't wake him up in Portland.
It's true.
It's so true.
It's crazy because they might be dreaming in your life.
San Francisco is the same shit.
Yeah.
So Oregon for me is like a place that, again, it's just too liberal.
There are people who kick your ass in Oregon.
I mean, it's the logging town.
I mean, a lot of blue-collar dudes, but overall, you got to take into account it's just too progressive to fight a war.
Because they might not all agree to fight.
That's the problem.
Yeah, they'd have sit-ins and they'd have to deal with their own fucking protests.
But they're tough, though, logging.
I mean, bro, you...
Yeah, but now you have inadvertent logging.
Like, you're loggers, even if you don't want to be, you'll be having dinner and a fucking log will just fall right off a mountain roll right through your kitchen.
That is true.
That is true.
But that's old repository from back in the day.
Like, Oregon is basically guys with fancy beards and waxed mustaches, and they're into beer.
Like, they're classic.
That's a good point.
Like, you know, they have beer tastings and coffee tastings.
Fuck coffee.
Yeah.
Every other beer, you need to make a fucking knife, homie.
All right, you're going to get your ass beat.
They're always waterlogged, bro.
But look where they are, though.
Aren't they in the top left?
Yeah, look at Oregon, dude.
It's a lot of Patagonia models.
I'll beat up that whole state.
Dude, yeah.
Dude, you could be your sequel.
I mean, I'm just saying.
I mean, look at those guys.
I can't hang out with those guys.
Yeah, a lot of glasses.
A lot of people dress like they're looking for gold, but not looking for gold.
They're just going to work?
Yeah, man, with your dumb beard and your stupid...
You're not like working.
I like it.
I like Portland.
It's a cool town, but it's just too waterlogged.
I mean, Idaho and Montana, first of all, that's where the war begins.
And between those guys, because Oregon just gets squashed.
But Montana, see, both states are real sunny, so they got a lot of energy and a lot of vitamin D. That's a good point.
Yeah.
It's very healthy.
Healthy Dr. Pearl Mutter.
Yeah, but Idaho has got too much East Coast, West Coast money and just too many pussies.
You have Boise State.
Remember Boise State, the Blue Field?
Yeah, bro.
You know, that guy proposed to his wife.
One of their best places was a guy proposed to his wife on the field.
Dude, I've been hunting up in Montana in the Missouri.
Zero points for that.
You've been hunting where?
I'm sorry?
In Montana and the Missouri Breaks.
I've been to Montana three times.
That's the last frontier.
Is it?
Montana beats the fucking shit out of both those states, bro.
Yeah.
Montana is the winner there.
You cannot.
Everybody hunts.
Everybody's got way more than one gun.
And we're not talking about pistols.
We're talking about AK-47s.
We're talking about AR-15s.
We're talking about modified AR-14s.
We're talking about every pistol you can think of and every shotgun you can think of and every hunting rifle.
You're talking about guys who've been shooting deer and everything else through a scope.
So you got snipers in Montana.
They've taken out your whole fucking front line and your command structure.
That's true from so far away, bro.
Oh, yeah, bro.
They have scopes passed down from generation to generation.
They have horoscopes, kaleidoscopes, all stacked together, bro.
They'll shoot you when you're in fucking Idaho, bro.
Yes.
You know, you'll be fucking, bro, you'll be filling your fucking little mule bag up with water.
They got scopes, the scopes monkey trial.
They got all of it, man.
Oh, bro.
They'll shoot the fucking nuts right out of your fucking body.
Yeah, you're done.
And the sack will heal on the way out.
That's how fucking capable they are.
100%.
What'd the people say?
Due to some limitations of Instagram, we don't have a poll for this one.
Can only do one versus one.
All right.
Utah, Nevada, Wyoming.
My choice is going to surprise you guys.
Okay, I'm going to start with this one.
So Utah, first of all, this is the, we're talking sun burn.
We're talking people that are looking for the Lord.
Let's go back.
There's one little caveat.
Idaho grows potatoes.
Potatoes are.
Which means that's a crop that's hard to destroy.
Needs a lot of water.
But that's a crop that feeds you.
You can live on cheese and potatoes.
So you can feed your army.
Yeah, but you got to feed them potatoes au grat.
It's true, and that takes a while to make.
So let's go back.
Let's fuck it.
Let's stick with Montana.
I had to bring it up.
No, actually, you know what?
I'll say this about Idaho as well.
Since you say that, they also have the second largest.
They make most of the sugar in America comes out of Idaho from beets.
They have sugar beets there.
So you got to think of the crops.
I don't know what's Montana growing.
Tobacco?
They got that one guy smoking in the commercial.
Now, Montana, you got to kill your own game.
Yeah.
That's a problem.
It is a problem, dude.
You got to look at food supply.
Oh, it's huge.
What are you going to eat?
Okay, now what?
What do they grow in Montana?
Yeah, I don't know.
Yeah, hey, have these Montana fucking cherries.
Now, I will say this.
They have great cherries in the summer.
Cherries don't keep you sustained, though.
But they're good.
Totators do.
Okay, taters do.
If you eat them with the skin, they're super nutritious.
What is the, could go to population?
I think you might be right, man.
Hold on.
Apples, bullshit, potatoes.
Okay.
We got some stuff.
We got flax.
Do we?
Yeah, we got beans and potatoes.
I'm good.
I'm good.
And some game, we're good.
Stick with Montana.
Wow.
I'm glad, though, you brought that up.
All right, now.
I don't think you brought it up.
Utah, Nevada, Wyoming.
Go ahead.
All right, I'm going to say this, man.
Nevada has too much money going around in it to go easy.
Wyoming, it's like, aren't they just Montana?
Are they going to combine with Montana?
Are some of those people going to slip over there?
Cheyenne, Jackson Hole, you got a lot of fancy people moving up there to ski.
It's become the new Utah in a lot of ways, like rich people moving out there, hiding.
It's so cold up there.
Why?
Oming.
People say that.
They're not sure.
Nevada, you got a lot of that money.
Now, Utah, dude, you have people that went there.
You got religious people that are motivated by religion.
And that is powerful.
Most of the movements in the world have been religious-motivated movements, I think.
That's a good...
You got Utah.
I like what you're saying with the Mormons.
They're already a team.
But then Nevada does have Las Vegas.
And there's a lot of money.
See, Nevada's way wealthier than I would imagine both states.
The Mormons have a lot of money in the church, though.
Fuck, and the Mormons have banks.
And the Mormons, bro, I've been there.
It's all like City.
You pass through the tabernacle area, bro.
You can get married to any fucking baby, bro.
If you say you're Mormon, they're Mormon, bro.
I've seen fucking a four-year-old marrying a four-year-old.
Here's the other thing you don't know about Utah and Mormons.
They recruit heavily in Tonga and Samoa.
Wow.
So you got a shitload of Samoans and Tongans.
Maybe the toughest people ever.
The dark parts, baby.
Enjoy that shit.
Enjoy fighting those guys.
Oh, God.
Enjoy fighting an army of men and women because Tongan women are stronger than the average white European, man.
Yeah, that's a fact.
They'll beat the fuck out of you.
Dude, I saw a Tongan guy get hit by a spear, bro, and he giggled a little.
Said it tickled.
Tongans are not to be fucked with.
They walk around.
All of them are way over 220 pounds.
They can sleep standing up.
They're just crazy thick.
That's insane.
Bro, sometimes at the airport, if their flight gets delayed, you'll see 60 or 70 of them sleeping in a group.
Just standing?
Yeah.
It's absolutely crazy.
I mean, you got to be quiet when you go by them.
Obviously.
Out of fucking sheer kindness.
Look at that.
One in four tongans in the U.S. calls Utah home.
I'm telling you.
Utah hands fucking down, bro.
Religion is not playing, bro.
You think people aren't going to fucking go to bat?
Utah hands down.
Utah hands down.
Good call.
Let's see what this girl has to say.
So, Utah, because you got the volunteers.
And not just for fighting, but also for meal prep.
Large-scale meal prep.
Pretty good at that.
The ability to organize, not just gatherings, but also, you know, any construction projects we would need to do.
We could just do construction on all the roads into Utah, and then no non-Utah drivers will be able to get through it.
Hiking, lots of fucking hiking.
Very fit, active hunters.
Hunters got the guns, know the terrain, so no state terrain would be a foreign battleground to us.
Is this your wife?
Is it for your new wife?
You could say it's for God.
The religious zealousy of that could rival the Crusades, maybe?
She's thinking.
She's a foreigner.
And if the Mormons are in on it, then you know we got the funds.
So she hit it.
Gang gang.
Bye.
Gang.
Bye, brother.
I could see her looking out at the just millions of Mormons in front of her as she made that video.
Yeah.
And they march in, soldiers of God.
Enjoy that.
She summed it up.
And you could see, I don't think she blinked twice in a minute and a half.
And that is a Mormon woman.
She's ready to go to bed.
Big beautiful dark eyes.
God.
Congratulations.
Good God.
Sorry to mention another podcast on this podcast.
No, I want to talk about Fighter and the Kids.
No, I said congratulations.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah.
He's going to be here today.
Is he?
DeLeah is?
Yeah.
He looks up to me.
There would be no Chris DeLia without me.
He's open for me.
And that is a fact, dude.
And some people have said that.
Now, there's a lot of stuff out there, you know, that different comedians got their vibes from different people.
You know, Dice says that Sebastian took his style.
DeLeah took, I gave him his essence.
Well, the bravado I can see from the neck up, it's you.
Everything about me.
I was his biggest influence.
And again, dent and all that stuff.
Go back.
Just, hey, just go back.
In the dent alone.
All I ask is go back to my early stuff.
Yeah.
10-minute podcast before that.
All right.
Fighting a kid.
All the way back.
Go all the way back, please.
But this is happening.
He's my pup.
I let him out of the nest and I'm glad he's flying.
I could shoot him down anytime I want.
But just understand, I'm his biggest influence.
At the end of the day, I'm his fucking dad.
I'm his daddy.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You understand me?
Oh, I see it.
When I think of him, I think of him like soaring in the sky, right?
Yeah.
But then I think of a man.
If you look in the distance of that vision, there's a man on a mountaintop and he has that thing on his arm with a piece of fucking meat in the thing.
See, and you understand that.
And what you also don't see is a very thin piece of fishing wire that's attached to his ankle.
Jesus Christ.
So anytime I want to yank him out in the sky when he's soaring, it's not a problem for me.
When he's out there with his fucking guy, that little Lenochi, that guy, that fucking bootleg Italian.
He's not even Italian.
He's not Italian.
He's a fraud.
Oh, dude, it's so...
That guy's fucking...
He was adopted, bro.
He was a genius.
And then returned.
He was adopted.
And returned.
Really?
Yeah.
So I'm not saying anything, but a lot of people were just adopted.
He's adopted and returned.
Yeah, bro.
They got a bum kid.
I mean, I'm not saying anything.
All right, well, you kind of are, but you get a fake Italian, bro.
He's got to pick his fucking last name.
That guy's not Italian.
Not Italian.
You think that guy's fucking Italian, bro?
Lenoch.
Lenoche?
He's a funny comic.
Oh, he's very funny, dude, but it's second-hand smoke.
It's third-hand smoke.
Chris DeLee is fucking rocking on your pup.
When he sees Craig and he sees Lenochi and his other buddy, he's like, hey, hey, guys, who are extras in a movie?
What's going on?
Hey, guys, who are extras in every single movie you ever see?
What's going on?
I'm like, what is it?
No, he's a hard-working comic man.
He's not an Italian, bro.
Lenocchi is not Italian, but he's funny as fuck.
I want to get him on Fighter and the Kid, but I would, but he's, but, you know.
Chris won't let him go.
I called him.
I go, I can't have you on because, you know, just ratings-wise, we're with mid-roll.
They'd be like, no.
I love him.
I want him on.
I even told him that.
I can't have you on.
I can't.
Look, that's the same thing the parents told him that adopted.
You know, I want to, though.
He's funny as shit.
Well, he got adopted by a family that still did some light vaudeville kind of stuff.
Oh.
And he couldn't hack it.
Oh, so he wasn't good for the circus.
So back.
I knew a Navy SEAL who grew up in a circus, traveling circus, and he goes, SEALS was easy for me.
He was growing up in a circus.
That was a motherfucker.
All right.
Two more.
Yeah.
Two more, and we'll shut it down for this first round, man.
This is absolutely awesome.
New Mexico, Kansas.
Now, I'm going to be in Kansas City this weekend.
That's right.
He's going to be in Kansas City, Kansas City.
Starting Friday, Saturday.
Now, I'll be at the Kansas City Improv Friday, Saturday.
Now, I tell you about my Philly dates the next weekend, but we're sold out and probably going to add a sixth show.
And I could tell you about my Calgary shows on the 4th, 5th, and 6th at Yuck Yuck, but I'm not going to do that right now.
But how great is Calgary, though?
It's fantastic.
Will I be there?
Of course I will on April 4th, 5th.
Now, get your tickets at Yuck Yuk.
It doesn't matter.
Here's the thing, and I'm sure we'll sell out.
Hurry up.
That's not what we're here for.
Now, I'm going to say some things about Kansas.
I like Kansas.
Tall people.
All right.
You got to see over the wheat, man.
You'd have to see over the wheat.
It rains sideways.
They got some strong weather.
Oh, yeah.
They call it the fucking white Vietnam.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know that.
But it's flat and it's open.
Now, Kansas is great.
I can't wait to be in Kansas City.
A couple things about New Mexico you need to understand.
And Kansas City's in Missouri.
It is.
There are two Kansas cities.
That's true.
It's Kansas City, Kansas, Kansas City, Missouri.
I'm not sure where I'm going to be in.
That's a good point.
I'm not sure which one I'm going to be in because I went bad on Missouri.
So find out where the fuck that is.
And I apologize to both states.
Damn it.
I'm going to have 15 people at my show.
And they're going to have guns.
That's the best part.
I'm in Missouri, right?
Dude, bring a gun in Missouri.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So fuck Kansas.
I'll be in Missouri.
Now, listen, New Mexico has a couple things going for it.
In the Spanish-American War, the one thing that a lot of the Saxon, the white American fighters would always comment on the bravery of the Mexican fighter.
Wow.
That's a fact.
And there's something in the Mexican blood that they are a brave, hard-working people.
Oh, my God.
I mean, you watch them when they box.
I talk about this in my special, Complicated Apes.
Or complicado monotontos.
CC.
If I had to fight a man from Mexico and a man from France and I knew nothing about either one, law of averages says to go with Pierre every time, right?
Yeah.
Right?
So Mexico, like when you watch fight, they don't, I don't, I've never seen one, I don't think they teach in the Russian and Mexican school of fighting, they don't teach you how to retreat.
You just keep moving forward.
So you got a lot of that in New Mexico.
Yeah.
Here's the other thing you got in New Mexico.
You got, I mean, I mean, come on.
Think about how many great fighters are from Mexico or of Mexican origin.
I mean, you know what I'm saying?
Like, like Cejulo.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I mean, it keeps going.
It's crazy.
So look at Juan, I mean, Marquez, one of the greatest fighters of all time.
Terera, the assassin, Canelo, Chavez, the greatest fighters of all.
I mean, and then forget MMA's crazy.
Tony.
Oh, half the whole MMA is family.
Yeah, they're all amazing.
So, so, so, and you also got one more thing going for you in New Mexico.
I think Los Alamos, where they made that nuclear bomb.
Yeah, aliens came there.
Thank you, sir.
So, New Mexico all fucking day.
Yeah.
Because also, a lot of Mexicanos, Mexicanos, and we have a lot of Mexicano listeners are going to go there just because it's called New Mexico.
They're going to get the hats.
They're going to get the fucking Yulry.
100%.
They're going to go there and want to go.
Yeah.
De July, de Jacuars.
They're going to do Yuleu.
All of the stuff from With the Jay.
So you're going to have a lot of community.
Yeah, but don't fuck with New Mexico.
And a lot of Native Americans.
That's true.
A lot of Native Americans.
Oh, hieroglyphics.
I think Pueblo, I think, you got all kinds of different Native Americans.
I think Navajo.
Oh, dude.
I don't know a lot of the tribes there, but Native Americans.
Still a hoe, Smocaho.
You know?
Bernard Graham.
They got everybody.
New Mexico, there you go.
Wow.
There you go.
See?
And you know what?
But if there's one place you're still going to find a lot of hard workers, a lot of white hard workers, it would be Kansas, I think.
Unless even the farms there have gone to a lot of Latino workers.
They've gone by way of the factory farm, so it's all done by machine, bro.
So don't worry about that.
Because I was in the transition, man.
I used to work on a soybean, corn, cotton, Milo farm on the Louisiana and Mississippi Delta, right?
You know that?
Oh, yeah.
It's impressive.
And in my summers, from high school To into college.
And I remember the last summer that I was there was the first time that they got a Mexican worker.
So it was like you could just start to see it kind of getting into the area that a lot of Latinos were coming in and migrant workers, you know, but you didn't have it.
The two summers before it, they didn't have it.
Right.
You know, and then the third summer, they had this guy named Yemi, and he was him.
And he was through a room together.
Oh, Jimmy, but Yimi.
He wrote it down a couple times and he wasn't even that.
Yaguar, Yemi.
Yeri.
I know.
Oh, yeah, dude.
Yaks on Ville.
Yaks onvil.
Yaks on Vil.
Yogaling.
Okay, we have the last one.
Alas.
Brian Callendar here today in the first round of the State Wars March Madness.
I mean, this is a big one.
Hawaii's got big, strong Hawaiians.
But they're also addicted to a lot of sucrose, a lot of drugs, a lot of weed over there.
Yeah.
Crystal.
You got to go.
You got to go Alaska.
I mean, there you go.
Alaska?
The last frontier?
The hardiest motherfuckers on the planet living below zero?
Imagine that.
They can ride a horse.
They can do everything.
Dude, imagine waking up in the morning and having to chip yourself out of your own fucking bed.
When the ice is...
They know how to live off the land.
Alaska crushes Hawaii because Hawaii is great, but, you know.
It's too much beach, too much.
It's too easy, right?
It's gotten too...
Yeah, I think at this point it's gotten too easy.
They can't even make a...
Aloha.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, it's hard to play with flowers.
You can't fight with flowers around your neck, dude.
A lay?
You can't fight with a lay around your neck.
Dude, and plus, Alaska, you can have mittens made out of your ex-wife in Alaska.
Oh, yeah, bro.
Or ex-husband.
If the Hawaiians tried to go into Alaska to take it over, they'd all die immediately.
Oh, dude.
It's like gremlins when they hit water.
Hawaiians can't handle that kind of cold.
They just die right away.
First of all, they wouldn't even add a dress for it.
They get off the plane and freeze to death.
They'd just be frozen right there.
And they just come up with a statue.
They just keep them frozen and have like the Hawaiian museum.
And you'd just, kids from Alaska would walk through that frozen museum of like frozen Hawaiians.
Fuck that.
Yeah, dude.
Milo and Lilo and Stitch is their big movie.
Alaska has Call of the Wild.
One dude went out there and tried to read a book and fucking died in a bus.
Yes, he did.
But Jack London wrote To Build a Fire, Call of the Wild.
Jack London was a great writer.
And he didn't even live in Alaska.
Somebody said he just read about it.
Well, he...
Okay.
Yeah, he did live in Alaska.
He lived on it.
He worked on a boat.
He's a great fucking writer.
Deadliest Catch.
That's off of where Alaska.
Oh, yeah, bro.
Dude, Deadliest Catch.
That's an unsafe work environment.
Yeah.
Not the Google Cafeteria because somebody wrote some stuff about men and women.
Fucking pussies.
Yeah.
Not the Oahu fucking Mahi Grill.
That is not a dangerous work environment.
It sure ain't.
Yeah.
And plus you're camouflaging Hawaii.
You guys pick the worst camouflage.
It's the floral, the bright colors.
You're fucking.
You look like a tropical bird.
Yeah.
All I want to do is shoot you out of the sky.
Bro, you're going to get shot on the plane, bro.
They're going to know you're coming.
I know.
So I think all of your hardest hitters have really probably moved on to Hawaii.
Alaska.
There you go.
There you go.
We have a lot of Alaskan listeners, too, actually.
We've gotten a lot of video and audio submissions from Alaska.
Wow.
So let's, and there's the next rounds.
We'll put those on the screen.
We've got some good ones.
Good.
We did well, I think.
I think we did well, too, man.
Very interesting.
Thank you for the knowledge, man.
This is a big second-round matchup, California, Montana.
Yeah, who are some of the big ones?
Cali, Montana.
Texas, Virginia.
It's going to be good.
New Jersey versus West Virginia.
Can you even imagine that?
That's aggression.
It's going down, bro.
I don't know.
That's a fucking tough one.
Jersey.
Oklahoma, Louisiana.
Jersey is Italian versus Redneck.
That's both the tough as fuck.
Yeah.
We're going to have to think about a lot of these.
Video submissions.
Yes, send in videos.
We don't know if it'll be Brian here next time.
We may have another famous comedian here.
I love being here, though.
Thank you for having me.
I'm next door.
You know where to find me.
Oh, we hear me?
Yeah.
Really?
We hear you, buddy.
And you just started a YouTube channel, right, Brian?
Yeah.
Brian Callen at YouTube slash, right?
Youtube.com slash Brian Callen live.
Yeah, there you go.
YouTube.com slash Brian Callen live.
And we're going to give you this, man, to take care of yourself as you move forward.
You just pissed off a lot of states.
Yeah.
I appreciate that.
And get complicated apes, you fucks.
Yeah, and I'll put complicated apes on my Instagram right now.
Check it out.
This will go out today.
And thank you so much to the Fighter and the Kid for always being so supportive, man.
You guys have been.
We wouldn't.
You're one of our favorites, brother.
Well, it's nice.
You're special.
Let's get that new belt.
Don't forget that.
Yeah, where the f-F-F-Did you get- It's coming.
It's coming.
This is good.
It's coming.
It's fucking coconut water.
April.
Damn, this looks good.
No, no, bro.
We got it coming.
Yeah, bro.
What?
We'll get you a better belt in the meantime.
I saw it and I'm very happy with it.
Yeah, sure.
It's going to be beautiful.
Where?
We're having an order.
Was it a vision you had?
We had to hire a blacksmith.
We got an anvil.
Banging it out.
Had to mine the gold.
You know what I'm saying?
And the gems.
And where's Chris going to be at, dude?
You know those puppies he has on his Instagram?
They're not real.
They bring them over to his house to use them.
And then the lady takes them back.
Chris is a phony in a race to there.
Oh, definitely.
I don't mean to spread rumors, but...
Holy fuck.
Hold on.
Is this a knife?
Yeah.
Check out that blade.
I love knives.
You got to be able to get in the box or you're going to lose to every state.
Folds on the.
Yeah, there's a long one.
There's a slatch on the side.
Yeah, the side folds up.
You don't realize it.
The side folds up.
Oh, shit.
I want this knife.
Oh, take it.
Put it in your car.
Very helpful in the car.
I carry a knife.
Well, now you carry two knives.
Dude, dude, I have two knives on me right now.
Holy fuck, I like this knife.
But you know what?
I want a switchblade.
I want a stiletto.
We'll switch that bitch out.
That's a nice little knife, dude.
I'd do some damage with that.
Oh, you could stab 15 people for it.
It'll fucking be not as shit.
I'll unzip him, man.
I'll unzip you.
Oh, yeah.
That's what I say to a guy.
I go, hey, bro, you want me to unzip you?
Careful, brother.
I'll unzip you.
Yeah.
I'll play for keeps because I'll gut you like a dog.
That's the kind of shit I say.
You want to know how many, you want to fucking count your ribs while you die?
That's it.
That's it, bro.
I'll open you up and you lose hydraulics in eight seconds.
Oh, damn.
Dude, look, I brought these two little xylophone mallets.
I did Marin's podcast.
I was talking about that.
There's this guy who said, if I can start cutting your hair and your arms, you're going to lose hydraulics in about eight seconds.
Jesus.
I was like, hydraulics?
I didn't know I had hydraulics.
Something nice.
Who gave you this knife?
Ridge.
They do, they sponsor us.
Hey, Ridge, I want a knife.
You got one?
That's yours.
Really?
Yeah, man.
Ridge, I want a knife where I can, like the stilettos, for real.
Like, I want a bigger one.
Oh, that is.
I want a bigger one.
That Richie Valenced, bro.
Yeah, I want a knife I can push up and be ready, for real.
Yeah.
Send me one.
Oh, that's something you break out of the shit.
Can you have them send me one?
Yeah, let's.
Let me take this one.
They might have those.
I'm not taking this one from you.
Maybe they'll add it to the product line just.
But take that, bro.
You just fucking told 20 states that they're a shit.
All right.
And you're going to two of them this weekend.
I'll take this Ridge knife.
I like this.
Thank you.
But one thing is, though, Kansas City is right there on the border, man.
But you're going to have people from both walks of life.
Kansas and come out.
Come out one and all.
Come out strong.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Dude, that's a knife.
Dude, I'll keep you busy with this fucking knife.
Oh, I'll keep a fucking cat busy with my dick.
Oh, you will.
But you see what I say is when I pull out my knife and I go, I just start picking my teeth.
I mean, picking my nails.
I go, yeah, and I go, just remember, your kung fu is no good here.
See what I did?
You see how I went low?
Just remember, your kung fu is no good here.
That's scary, dude.
Dude, I feel like I'm in an outtake from there will be blood.
Yeah.
You know?
I drink your milkshake.
Yeah.
I drink your milkshake.
It was a different time, man.
Would you assert what what obviously you're surviving a lot in this time period, but what time period do you think you could not have survived well in?
I mean, the thing that people don't realize about most of history is you died of diseases like the pox, the plague, diphtheria, malaria, all kinds of diseases.
So, you know, and if you didn't do that, you'd get cut and get an infection and get staph and die.
It would go septic.
Or they'd have to, you know, people who have a problem with Western medicine, please look at some old pictures of the Civil War.
There were mountains of amputated legs and hands and feet and arms because when you got injured, they had to cut your hand off because it was going to go gangrene.
It was going to kill the rest of you.
Yes.
Wow.
So you had to lose.
We didn't come up with essentially things to dress wounds until World War I. And after, you just had to have it lopped off.
And we didn't really have anesthetic.
Bite down this fucking on this rag and we're going to cut your goddamn leg off.
That's what would happen.
Can you?
So we owe much to technology.
And now we got to fucking fucking out here skating on fucking frozen water.
People who don't vaccinate their kids, man.
I mean, I don't know.
Like, if you look at history, forget the science.
Just pick up a book on literature or history.
Yeah.
Everybody was dying.
You lost your kids.
You buried your kids to shitty diseases, tetanus, things that we don't even think about anymore.
Yeah, a rusty nail.
Dude, you want to lose your son to a fucking rusty nail because you have a stance on some severely like outlandish idea?
That's the problem.
That's what's going to happen in some of these cities, bro.
Already is.
Already is.
It's already happening.
But I mean, that's just ignorance.
People just don't trust big pharma, and I understand that.
I understand where that comes from, but you can't get your information off of YouTube and Google only.
Yeah.
Leave this site.
Just listen to scientists.
But dude, scientists are in the pocket of the companies.
Sometimes.
Sometimes, but when the massive, it's not even that.
I'm saying forget, okay, if you don't want to listen to all the scientists, because I guess they're all evil and they're all taking money.
I guess I mean, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
But if you don't, so all your doctors are wrong.
All your doctors are wrong.
All your scientists are wrong.
Cool.
I'll give that to you.
You got that?
Ready?
Now just pick up, because you don't do this.
I know you don't do this, most people.
Read any good work of literature, any great play.
I mean, any watching people die of like consumption, whatever it might be.
Read any history book.
Oregon Trust.
Talk to any historian who doesn't make money from the pharmaceutical companies.
Talk to anybody.
They will tell you that disease, that disease that we now vaccinate for were the leading causes of death.
You lost your children.
You lost entire groups of people.
The Spanish flu killed, that's just a matter of historical record.
What are you talking about?
Smallpox throughout the world.
I grew up in those countries in the 70s.
I lived there.
I saw leprosy with my own eyes, you dumb fucks.
Without tetracycline, without tetracycline, you'd be done.
I watched people die of AIDS with my own eyes, my own neighbors, my own friends.
I saw it in New York every single day.
Jerry O'Connell saw it too.
And then they came along with protease inhibitors, you fucking idiots.
So big pharma saves lives as well.
I saw what AIDS did.
If you want to be an AIDS denier, go ahead.
The problem is I saw it with my own eyes, you fucks.
And now they're not dying anymore.
Now AIDS is as manageable or more manageable than diabetes.
And the virus has had to fucking constantly compromise themselves so much because of these cocktail drugs, thanks to big pharma and science.
So if that's the case, we know that.
If you have staff or MRSA, then don't trust Big Pharma.
Yeah, go fix it yourself and use seaweed and honey, you dumb fuck.
See how long you live.
But so it's funny to me that people they use the technology in their Apple phones, but that's not evil.
But they don't trust other technology.
It's all confirmation.
It's confirmation bias.
You benefit every fucking day from scientific thinking.
You don't bury your friends and your children and your parents because of scientific thinking, you dumb fucks.
A little respect where it's due.
I'm not saying you have to trust big pharma.
I'm not saying big pharma doesn't have profit motive and greed.
And I'm not saying there aren't corrupt people in all these things.
And I'm not saying there's nothing that dude named Big Pharma out there.
Yeah.
I'm not saying that you should trust your government.
I don't.
I don't trust a lot of big pharma.
I understand that.
But when you start going against vaccines across the board, you're dumb as fuck.
Yeah, and also.
You're an ignorant idiot who knows nothing about the history.
Yeah, and if we are addicted, we have a part in that.
If you're addicted to some freaking drugs, you're the one that's addicted.
Like, sure, they're addictive.
You got these crazy doctors shouldn't be writing all these prescriptions, but you have a part in that as well.
We have a part in that as well, you know, as users, you know.
Just because Lakeside Maple, who's not sponsoring us anymore, but who we still love and has been a very great small business, just because they keep making fucking Maple, you know, Trail Mix, doesn't make them bad people.
No, it doesn't make them bad people.
Me sitting here fucking.
Trail Mix cures smallpox.
Yeah.
It could, man.
You never know.
Yep.
Brian Callan, thank you so much.
Your special, Complicated Apes.
Is it just audio?
What's the video to?
No, video on audio.
Yeah, it's doing really well, but it's the best thing I've ever done, I think.
And I think you'll laugh.
I think you'll laugh.
You know, you're one of the most entertaining men I know.
I always say that I think entertainers are making a big comeback on stage.
Yeah.
You know, and you've always been out there by guys like you, Sebastian Maniscalco, people that are actually entertaining.
There's something to hear, but also there's something to watch.
Hopefully, I appreciate it.
That's what we love to do.
That's the truth.
We'll see you guys in the future for round two of this past weekend's State Wars March Madness.
Thank you, Gianni.
Thank you, Nick.
Thank you.
Thanks, Brian.
Third deck of Young Stem cells.
All right, cutie pies.
Thanks, everybody.
Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself on wine shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song.
I will sing it just for you.
Bye.
We'll see you next time.
And I will run away to the band.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.
Longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Please do.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Charmaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
*BEEP*
I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
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