Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Back from 8 shows in San Jose. This Episode Brought to You By Skillshare Get 2 months of Skillshare free at https://skillshare.com/theovon Rich Uncles Sign up at https://weekend.robinhood.com to sign up and receive a FREE stock Hair Club Go to https://HairClub.com/THEO for a free hair analysis AND a free take home hair kit Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Gunt Squad To Join: https://www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Jones Aaron Rasche Aaron Wayne Anselmi Adam Cox Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Amelia Andrea Gagliani Andrew Valish Angel Perez Angelo Raygun Anthony Schultz Arielle Nicole Ashley Konicki Audrey Harlan Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Baltimore Ben Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Streit Brad Moody Brandon Hoffman Brandon Kirkman Bubba Hodge Carla Huffman Casey Roberts Chad Saltzman Christopher Becking Christopher Stath Cody Cummings Cody Hanas Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Cort Adams Crystal Dan Draper Daniel Chase Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Gill David Christopher David Smith David Wyrick Donald blackwell Doug Chee Drew Munoz Erin Weatherford Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Felix Theo Wren Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia J.P. Jacob Rice Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jason Haley Jason Price Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Johnson Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Jerry Zhang Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan R Joseph Wuttunee Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Justin L justin marcoux Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kevtron Kiera Parr Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Leighton Fields Logan Yakemchuk Luke Danton Matt Kaman Matt McKeen Matthew Azzam Megan Daily Meghan LaCasse Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Butcher Nick Lindenmayer Nick Roma Nick Rosing Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell Passenger Shaming Peter Craig Philip James Qie Jenkins Rachael Edwards Ranger Rick Robert Mitchell Robyn Tatu Rohail Ryan Hawkins Ryan Riley Ryan Walsh Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Sean Frakes Sean Scott Season Vaughan Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stefan Borglycke Sungmin Choe Suzanne O'Reilly Taylor Beall The Asian Hamster Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Travis Simpson Tyler Harrington (TJ) Victor Montano Victor S Johnson II Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Zach Zak StufflebeamSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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That is music by the band, or the man, actually, Spencer Jacob Growl, G-R-A-U.
And he's a man, and he has that song called Celebrate.
And I'm happy to be here with you guys today.
It is March.
It is March.
And it is the year 2019.
And it is, this is what we got.
This is who we are.
You know, the March hairs, baby.
You know, maybe getting that carrot.
That carrot's always dangling, isn't it?
You notice that there's always a carrot.
Like every day I wake up, there's some carrot.
There's, you know, that little freaking orange veggie sickle just kind of hanging in the distance for me.
Whatever it is, it could be, you know, a financial gain.
It could be a love.
You know, I want to get a love or a sex.
It could be an apology I need to make.
But there's always something out in front of me that I'm moving towards.
Usually.
I think anyway, I'm just trying to think what, you know, it's, yeah, there's always something out in front of me that I'm moving towards, that I want.
Or sometimes that I need, you know.
But there's always a carrot.
There's always a carrot that gets you that is out in front of you.
And sometimes they're ones that, you know, you put out there.
They're goals.
Sometimes they're ones that the, you know, I guess ambitions.
I wonder what the difference between a goal and an ambition.
I think an ambition like drives a goal.
You know, because if you have a goal, if you want to get something, you know, say if they have something and it's somewhere and you want to get there, then that's a goal.
An ambition, that's the gasoline that you put in your tank or that's in your tank that gets you over to that something, that gets you there.
So ambition, I think, is basically a goals, is your gasoline that gets you to a goal.
You got to have that ambition, I think.
Also, have no idea.
But yeah, there's always a carrot that kind of gets me going.
And I'm just trying to, right now, just make sure that my carrots are out of a good garden.
That's what I'm trying to think about.
Because, you know, I just noticed like, you know, recently that not much changes like inside of me, even though some things will change or for me will be changing on the outside of me.
You know, I don't know if I feel like that they heal or that they do anything to the inside of me, really, you know?
Like, I mean, just recently in my life, you know, I've had the opportunity to start making more money than I made last year, you know, or and so that's, you know, and at first, you know, it's exciting.
And then it's, you're still just kind of like, well, what?
But what's going on with me?
You know, you still are just kind of with yourself.
Or you might think, I guess other things in my past have been like, oh, I want to get a car.
But then once you get in the car and you're driving, you're in the car.
You're just in there.
So it's just like, you know, if things change or more people like I notice get excited, like especially the past couple weeks, I've just noticed more, like I got into an Uber the other day and the driver, and this guy was from another, look, I've been to a lot of other countries.
This guy, I think, was from like another planet, boy.
This dude was from, you know, Mars, Ganus, Scandinavia.
You know, this guy was from another, I don't know, he might have been, you know, he might have caught a, you know, he might have had a hit of that freaking sandism or something.
I don't know where this, this guy was from.
Like, he might have been raised in a sand castle, you know, drinking olive juice.
He had a real, you know, I don't, you know, he might have, you know, went to summer camp on the rings of Saturn.
This boy, I don't know what he was doing, but he's like, oh, I recognized you from Hot Ones.
And Hot Ones is a chicken, you know, it's like a poultry kind of passion project of a company.
And I went in there last week and ate chicken wings with them.
And you go in there and eat the wings and then, and it's hot.
I'm going to put up a behind the scenes video today of how my mouth got kind of burnt out around the edges.
You know, looked like I'd been trying to, you know, fucking French kiss a candle.
I was pretty, you know, I was kind of very, I had a lot of different colors around my mouth.
I was starting to really roy G. Biv around the lips, you know.
But anyway, I got into this Uber and the man recognized me from there and knew me from there.
And it was, and I just would never have expected it.
It wasn't, and I was just like, oh, wow, you know, that's, you know, it's exciting.
You know, it's, let me think about what this is.
And I'm not trying to brag about this.
I'm trying to, like, I'm not trying to brag like, oh, somebody recognized me from my comedy or from something, someplace they saw me.
I'm trying to think about, you know, there are times when I would think like, oh, being popular or being, having people acknowledge you, that that would, you know, that would cure things or that would make things different for me or different.
I don't know.
But that's a carrot that's out there, I notice.
You know, that celebrity, that popularity.
And I don't even think celebrity seems, someone that's a celebrity, that shit seems scary to me because that kind of stuff is you're like, it seems like you're controlled by bigger things, you know, like advertisers and you have to answer to different larger groups that are in control of you or in control of more of your time and things you can say.
But popularity, that's something that I was like, well, that's like a carrot that's kind of been out there in my life that, you know, if people knew me, then I would feel, maybe I wouldn't feel some of the ways when I feel uncomfortable, or maybe it would be a solution, or maybe it would, I don't know what I'm trying to say.
I mean, I do, but I don't.
But this is just something that was, I was really thinking about once this man, it was just a man that I was like, oh, you know, I never expected that that man would say that.
And he said the hot ones, you know.
And I guess something, people on the internet like to watch people eat.
I mean, people, dude, there's a couple of dark, I went down some dark holes the other night.
You could watch, you know.
I mean, and look, I'll admit it.
You know, I like watching, you know, when I was growing up, I had a couple of, you know, urban friends, a couple of African-American buddies.
And if you haven't seen them really get into some good animal meat or some good rib meat, then you don't, you know, you haven't really seen that much.
You know what I'm saying?
These boys got that Dyson, bro.
It's like watching a Dyson.
It's like watching a Dyson fucking, you know, dissect a, it's like what, I don't know what it's like watching a damn Dyson.
You know, if you got a black buddy and you put him on a set of ribs, son, he, it's fucking game over, dog.
I mean, this guy's coming in and he, they just, they got more of a, it's like my black friends, it seemed like they had like thing, like hands in their lips.
They could fucking shake out, you know?
Like, damn, bro, I started, sometimes I would feel bad for the cow or the pig.
The ribs, I'd be like, God damn, that animal's feeling that in the afterlife, you know, because you just, I mean, this guy, I mean, I had a black buddy, he could moonwalk his face kind of down the rib.
You know, and they, you know, and I'm not saying white guys can't do it.
I'm not making this isn't a racial thing.
But some people are better at some things, maybe.
Or some people, that's just my experience, you know?
Like I've seen they got that dude, Yabayashi, the fucking hot dog monster.
And if you haven't seen this dude, man, usually 4th of July, people out there, you know, you're out there, little Randall's out there fucking lying to people and selling, you know, fake grams of Coke and shit out there by the parade route.
And you got little Daniel's out there with his fireworks and some of them he made himself, you know?
And some of them, dude, you fucking lied him and nothing happens, boy.
And then it just kind of, and then like a kidnapped person will pop out of one of them and you're like, damn, what the fuck, Daniel?
You've been up to some dirty tricks.
But everybody has their own 4th of July thing.
And that guy, Yabayashi, is a, I don't know, man.
It looked like he used to do karate.
And one day he just kicked a whole bunch of fucking wet hot dogs into his mouth.
And he's the champ.
And he's the number one champion, bruh.
I mean, this dude is the Asian Abraham Lincoln of fucking, you know, questionable meats.
This dude, one time he had like...
Oh, sorry.
Adjective.
Sorry, my phone just did something.
One time, Yabiashi had 40 or 79 freaking wet hot dogs.
And that's, but that's what he does on the 4th of July.
He goes wet hot dogging.
And that's crazy.
You know, to me, that's crazy.
But, you know, different people do different things.
Anyway, I'm just saying that that guy can do hot dogs.
Right.
I've seen that.
And if you have, and if you ever had any black friends growing up, maybe you did, maybe you didn't.
Now, some black guys aren't good at eating stuff.
You know, sometimes you need a real, I mean, if you've ever seen a, you know, I saw a little Asian girl eat a piece of cake one time, huge piece.
And she, I mean, dude, that shit looked like it fucking was going to take her, you know, two and a half weeks.
I mean, I was like, damn, I can't even, I watched for Maybe about 30 minutes, you know, but I can't watch it.
It was cool, but I wasn't going to watch forever.
But what I'm saying is, what am I saying?
Jesus Christ, man, God, I think I went down my own worm, my own wormhole inside of my head.
But different people do different things.
And so I have a memory when I was young.
Fuck, what was I talking about?
People eating stuff.
Some people are better.
I have the experience of seeing some people eat things better than others.
I was talking about, was I eating something?
Oh, carrots.
But I don't know.
I don't know how I got so lost.
But anyway, what I was originally trying to talk about or what I was thinking about was, oh, there's these different.
Oh, the guy, when I got in, I never thought that this guy in the Uber, the driver was going to be like, oh, I seen this boy eat some poultry on the internet.
You know, I seen this boy fucking lipping down a couple of fucking pheasant wings on the web.
But that's what happened.
So then, yeah, like it just, like, I was thinking about popularity.
And yeah, I guess always in my life, I thought that, or maybe there was this thing that if, yeah, if you were popular, if people liked you.
Maybe.
I'm trying to think when I was young, you know, because I like to make people laugh.
And I'm just trying to think about why.
Like, what did I think that pop, like, I guess I don't know if I ever was, had a, I wanted to be liked, I guess.
I'm trying to think of what I, if when I was young, if I had, if I had aims to be popular or if I wanted to be liked, like what, and sorry to be thinking about all this, man, but this has just been what's on my mind.
I know, you know, or I'm not sorry.
You know, this is what I'm, I'm, this is what's on my mind.
And this is honestly the first moment I've had in four days to think about, you know, things.
It was just a busy four days.
And, you know, did a wonderful weekend in San Jose.
This dude, Leonelle, brought out a prairie dog.
And God dang, bro, I forgot how beautiful they are.
My God.
And it was nice of him, man.
He came out late show on Thursday.
And he brought out that fucking little P Deezy son.
You know, that little, I ain't talking police department boy.
I'm talking prairie dog.
And they're beautiful and you don't see a lot of them.
And I asked him where he got it, and he wouldn't tell me.
Which if you owning bootleg prairie dogs, that's the right answer.
I mean, I don't think he had any documents.
You know, I don't think he had any documentation, any documentation on that prairie D. But beautiful animal, man.
Let me hold it and thank you, Lionel, for coming out with that.
And he gave me, he also does music, and he gave me an album.
And that's, and that kind of sums up San Jose in some ways, man.
You know, you don't know what the fuck somebody's doing.
They hand you a pretty, you know, they put that prairie dog on your shoulder and then fucking hit you with that mixtape.
And it's diverse there.
I mean, this is the most diverse place I've ever seen.
You know, you couldn't, I mean, you couldn't even be racist if you wanted to because you couldn't figure out who to hate, man.
But you'd have to have a fucking chart.
I mean, you'd have to have somebody spot in you a lot of racial knowledge to really be hateful.
So it was awesome, man.
And I felt a lot of love, man, and a lot of support from all types of people, man.
All ethnicities.
And, man, a lot of beautiful Latinos came out with their spouses.
We had some mothers and sons that came out.
A couple twins came out, and I almost made them fight.
Because you know how I feel about twins, but dude, one of y'all is really living and one of y'all is milling around, you know?
Because one of y'all ain't really supposed to be here, buddy.
You know, sometimes science kind of, you know, the gear slips when science is shifting.
Sometimes it that gear shift, that gear slips.
And you, you know, sometimes it's like when you go to McDonald's and you order the cheeseburger and you open the bag at home and they got a fucking cheeseburger and a stray little nugget in there.
That's twins.
One of y'all's that freaking amborguesa and one of y'all is that nuge de pollo, that nugget.
So I wanted to have them fight or arm wrestle or do a couple of questionnaires or something and see who's really supposed to be that boss out of twins.
Because twins, you know, it's and it's crazy.
Like one of them always has half of the stuff and one of them have the other half of the stuff that you need.
So you got to get a little information over here and a little information over here just to figure out what the fuck they've been doing.
Either one of them.
You know, it's almost like you got to be a detective to even be friends with twins.
Because you got to be like, okay, and will you tell me this and will you tell me that and the rest of it.
So, but they were nice guys.
But a lot of them met some Tongans.
And dude, I thought Tongans, honestly, man, when I was really young, I thought Tongans were silverware, big silverware.
Sometimes you would go to a special deal and they would have somebody put them big Tongan in the salad bowl.
You'd be like, damn, these people fucking rich, bro.
You know, I'm about to sneak off on the way to the bathroom.
I'm going to steal a damn candelabru.
Dude, I remember being at some rich people's house when I was young and I would steal, they had pot pourri, a little stack of potpourri.
And basically, pot pour is like, it's almost like the queen of England just gave you a little, you know, couple half ounces of her, a couple ounces of her garden or raked up a pile of leaves.
And it's like Queen Elizabeth raked up some leaves in her garden and then, you know, sent you a couple grams of it.
And rich people will set it on the top of the toilet to show you that they got that, you know, they got that flossy, you know, post-life foliage.
And so I go in there first time I fucking fill my pockets with that shit, boy.
Go home and just rub both of my pockets as much as I could.
And then all this rosary, like rosy type of smell would just permeate my room and just really, you know, just made me feel like I was back at like those rich people's houses sometimes, you know?
And yeah, I used to do weird shit like that, I guess, to just have a different experience, you know?
But anyway, yeah, thank you for everybody that came out, man.
Just a lot of real love.
I mean, so many loving people.
And I know this sounds crazy, but just good people.
Good people.
And I'm happy to be part of such a group a lot of this past weekend, listeners.
And, you know, and I don't want you to feel, I guess, I don't want you to feel like when you see me that I think I'm any different than you or that I think that I'm any better than you just because, you know, at the shows, I'm the person that's on stage.
But I do feel like a representative of our group.
And I don't know what that, I don't know what some of that means.
But I'm just grateful to be a part of it.
And man, just because I can't tell you, I've been involved in different things in my life where I've just never gotten to meet so many neat people at once.
And somebody got some prairie dogs.
So, you know, that's fucking rare.
Because, dude, let me tell you that there ain't no animals living on the streets of Santos.
I didn't even see a bird all weekend.
I mean, they got people fucking lasso and fucking crows, right?
I mean, you'll see a dude with a fishing line with a worm on it, and he'll cast that bitch up into the sky and catch a fucking dirty little, you know, catch a dirty little dove.
I mean, people, you know, it's that, it's a, it's got that little bit of Vietnam going on where people, you know, you eat things.
Things ain't just milling around.
That's like in South Africa.
Like in America, you have caterpillars on the sidewalk.
Dog, that, and you go to Cape Town, you go to Johannesburg.
That's a damn fucking little side item walking by.
You'll go to a, you know, you go to some of the villages there and they will have a whole bowl of caterpillar and they cook them out.
Crickets.
I've been there.
I'm not joking about this, but that's, see, in America, we'll let a fucking side item, we'll let an appetizer live on the streets.
But in San Jose, boy, you'll see somebody fucking, you know, you know, hook a fucking, maybe a little gram of Coke and a Mac nugget onto a fishing hook and then just cast that bitch down an alley and catch them a fucking little, you know, a little homeless person or something.
Or catch them a little fucking vagrant.
So it's a different, it's a unique place.
But a lot of wonderful people and thank you guys for coming out.
But I guess what I'm trying to think about a little bit, I just want to think about this for a few more minutes, and then we'll get into some calls.
Because I'm just trying to think, like when I was young, just because I guess, you know, it's just a little scary.
This past week was a little, you know, you just get more popular.
And it's exciting, you know, it's, or that's what it felt like to me.
And some of this could be just my feelings.
It could be misinterpretation of things.
But it was, you know, and it's exciting.
I'm grateful that people come out because I love to perform stand-up comedy.
And I hope that, you know, I always have stories and funny things to make people laugh.
It's fun when you're in a big room and everybody's laughing.
You know, it makes me, I think it's probably what I always wanted, you know.
It's probably the thing that made me the most happy when I was young and in middle school over there at C.J. Shane Middle and over there at William Pitcher Jr.
Hired off Jefferson Avenue.
That was the funnest thing, making people laugh, sitting at the lunch table, drinking milk out of a bag.
That's back when they had, and they used to have the big bag and you could all put a straw in it.
And then they would get you a little bag.
You'd have your own little bag.
But it was fun, man.
And when kids, you can make a kid laugh and milk will shoot out of his nose, out of his orifices, bruh.
And that shit, it's now it's like perverted.
Now it's something like some of these rich men are doing out here in the Hollywood Hills and shit and doing it on the DL.
But when I was young, it was just something we would do for fun, make each other laugh so hard that milk would, you know, just find its way out of our bodies really fast.
And what else, man?
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
But I guess I'm just thinking about what, you know, I just, I love the experience that I've been having getting them entertain people.
And I just don't want you, when you come to my shows, I don't want you to think just don't, you could think whatever you want.
You know, I guess it's just, I'm not telling anybody what to do.
I just, I'm grateful for people coming out.
That's what I'm trying to say.
And it's been exciting.
And being, get it, you know, being just when that man recognized me or acknowledged me, it just surprised me.
And then I was like, okay, this is starting to feel a little bit different.
You know, this is a, you know, this is a, I just never thought this person would know who I am.
And, and not that it matters.
It doesn't mean anything.
But it just, you know, it just I don't know.
It just made me think about like what's the value maybe in popularity?
You know, what's the value in it?
Does it because I guess what I'm starting to say is that for me, I feel like it hasn't, it doesn't make me feel any different.
You know, I still, and I don't want it to.
That's what I'm saying.
You know, the ego just seems so dangerous.
And it just seems dangerous.
And it seems so self-serving.
And it's like, you know, you just see so much greed out there.
You know, even you open the newspaper, you see greed.
You know, you see these, you know, to me, it seems like news networks are demanding what the government should do.
And it's just because of money.
People are just being greedy.
And, you know, you just see people say, you know, I just want to be aware of what my carrots are, I guess.
You know, I just want to be aware of what my carrots are.
What is driving me over here?
What is making me ill?
And I just want them to come out of a good garden, you know.
And that's, I guess, what I'm thinking about.
Sorry to go on that long tangent, but I just want to know what my I want to be conscious of what my carrots are because a lot of times in our life, we can be or a lot of times in my life, I've been led towards carrots that I didn't even know what they were made out of or who put them there or what was going on.
You know, and those carrots can be anything.
They can be money.
They could be fame.
They could be, you know, it could be power.
And I just, we just need to be, or I need to be conscious of what the carrots are in my world.
And that I don't get, you know, just that I don't be chasing no dirty carrots.
You know, I don't want no dirty carrots, dude.
I don't want no baby carrots.
You feel me?
I ain't trying to do anything like that.
Like some of these rich people in the Hollywood Hills, they'll be ordering, you know, baby carrots.
You're like, damn, how many are you going to have today, buddy?
Seem like you've had a few too many if you're not a real baby.
But I just want to be conscious of my carrots, man.
But I felt like I was in a beautiful garden this weekend over there.
It was cool, man.
You know, I didn't know the world was, I mean, I know the world is diverse, but damn, bro, San Jose's got a lock on it.
Dude, they had 700 different tints of skin over there.
They had people with mustaches.
One dude had a mustache above each eye.
I was like, oh, I like your eyebrows.
He's like, those are mustaches, papa.
Like, damn, okay, boy.
I like them fucking little, I like those little eye toppers you got, daddy.
Those little fucking, those little sight burns.
I like those little sight burns.
And yeah, I said that joke twice because I wanted you to get it.
Thank you guys for being here and welcome to this past weekend.
I'm going to Phoenix this weekend.
And, you know, I appreciate you guys letting me ramble on this podcast and just talk about my feelings because sometimes I don't know what they are and sometimes I don't know what's going on with me.
And I was listening to an old episode the other day because I just want to know, I don't know, I just want to kind of hear, you know, take a look at moments from the past and see moments now and see, just so I can be aware.
You know, I want to be aware of what's going on.
I don't want to aimlessly just live in this world.
And I don't want to, you know, I just want to do my best.
And I know I am.
I'm not trying to put extra pressure on myself, but I am trying to be aware of my carrots.
You know, that's what I'm trying to do right now for me.
What else?
I got to tell you this, that this episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block Pizza in Los Angeles.
And we have a lot of listeners that stop by there and send me JPEGs and images and stuff like that.
And that's beautiful.
And Gray Block Pizza is a great place to get pizza.
And it's called Gray Block in Los Angeles.
Also want you to know this episode is brought to you by Hair Club.
And when I was young, my mom had the club.
Remember the club, dude?
The club.
The club was this thing you put on a car.
And you had to click it a couple certain ways and just lock it.
And, dude, my mom was so crazy about things getting stolen all the time.
She didn't want, and the car was a piece of shit, man.
You know, mom had this Ford Festiva for a little while and she had a Volkswagen Rabbit.
And it was our car, man.
It was real, real small.
Like, the interior of the car was probably, you know, probably five by four, maybe 20 square feet inside.
So five feet by four feet.
And it sat five people, boy.
So it was, it was like being stuck in a really small elevator, but you guys were going somewhere forward, you know, and there was a window on the front.
And mom could, the good thing about a small car, mom could beat everybody's ass from that driver's seat.
You know, because mom had four children.
I was one of the children.
And, you know, she went from oldest to youngest, you know?
And it was almost like playing the symbols when mom would start whooping everybody's ass in the car because different children have different densities in them.
And that's called body density.
And so she'd hit my brother and he'd be like, bam.
And then me would be like, bang.
And then my sister would be like, bang, because it was younger.
And then the little baby, she'd be like, bang.
Bang, bang, bing, bang, bang, bang, bang.
The baby was being bad right there.
Bang, bang, bang.
My brother wouldn't shut up and they hit him.
And then I'd start popping off.
She'd be like, and my sister was pretty good.
And so sometimes she would just tap her.
But it was a, you know, that's when mom would just start, whew.
and she'd start just hitting the fucking drums, dude, like Larry Kravitz, you know, like damn deaf leopard guy died, just like that fucking, you know, she would go hard.
But anyway, what was I even talking about?
I don't know what I'm talking about today.
Oh, but she had the club on that car.
And mom, dude, they had wiring hanging out of that thing.
One side of the car, you could see there wasn't, there was a little bit of floorboard missing.
Somebody had stolen a piece of the floorboard, a welder, had cut it out and put it in their car, used it for something they needed it for that was more important than what we needed it for.
So you had to, in the front, you had to be careful.
You had to put your feet off to the sides a little because part of that floorboard, somebody had borrowed it.
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I have, you know, a lot of our listeners know I had a hair transiplant.
I had like 50 hairs taken out of the back and put in those little, you know, those little slithering spaces up there, them little, you know, those Dracula points a couple years ago or a year ago now, two years ago.
And it was a, for me, it was a good experience.
You know, and so anyway, I've had some experience with, you know, dealing with my hair and just wanting to keep hair, you know, wanting to keep hair on my head.
Because I used to farm.
And, you know, a man is often, you know, a man can sometimes, you know, just, if you've ever farmed, you want to fucking have a little crop.
You want to be, you know, have that crop topaless, bro.
And so that's what I had.
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And yeah, mom used to put that club on that car and we would all laugh, man, because the car was a piece of shit.
Dude, we owned the car and we would always hope people would steal it.
You know, we'd rather walk in an organized group with mom walking and then one of us walking right next to her and then three of us walking in the back, right behind her.
We'd rather walk in formation than be in that car.
Because you knew if we was going somewhere long enough over probably a mile and a half, mom was about to play that damn drums, boy.
Everybody's going to get their ass beat.
And I don't knock my mother for that.
You know, when a mother is a single mother, they have to be a father too.
They have to be a disciplinarian.
And that's another thing I was thinking about this weekend.
You know, it's interesting.
A lot of my generation, our mother had to also be a disciplinarian.
And I just wonder the effects of when you have to, when you, I don't know if a young man is supposed to, or young woman, I can't speak for a young woman.
I don't know.
I can't speak for anybody.
I don't know if I, I don't know how, I don't know how, I don't know if a mother is supposed to have to be that.
You know, somewhat, yes.
But I don't know, and maybe that's just been historically.
Maybe in the future that will change as our DNA gets different ideas stuck into it and moving forward.
But I don't know how a young man takes that if the mother also has to be the disciplinarian.
Because then sometimes you might not go to your disciplinarian to get the love you need.
And so then if you see your mother as a disciplinarian, then when you need a hug, maybe you don't go get the hug because you don't want to go hug somebody that was also having to be a disciplinarian to you out of some type of a spite, maybe.
You know, like say a dude rocked you out at the schoolyard a little, you know, popped you off.
Say somebody fucking hit you with a broomstick, you know, or fucking, you know, put a couple pieces of ice in your mouth and then just made, you know, just punched you in the face until you was just serving just shaved ice right out of your own face, bro.
Welcome to Oahu.
But later in the day, you're going to go hug that guy when you need some emotional support or when you need a tender moment?
Are you going to do that?
You know, so I think that's some of the things when I'm just starting to think, I've been thinking about like what happens when, you know, when children have to be raised by single parents and how they interact with one another.
And, you know, I don't have the knowledge about it.
So I'm not able to sometimes come from a place of knowledge.
And so if you think that I know what I'm talking about, then don't think that because that's not what I'm trying to say.
I'm just trying to talk about whatever, you know, some of my experience.
But anyway, I also want to let you know that this past weekend is brought to you by Skillshare.
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Might be a nice gift if you have a child or a sibling that's that's always on their device.
Get them that educational hitter.
Because if they're already on there, if they're on a tablet or something, they might not mind learning while they are.
But they might.
Who knows?
But yeah, I guess I was, you know, a lot of interest, not introspection, I don't know, just a lot of thinking this week, you know, because, you know, it just, I just, this is the first weekend where I started to notice, like, man, like people are, it just felt like more popularity.
And so I just wanted to, and, you know, and it's great.
Look, I love meeting people.
I love meeting like-minded people.
I feel like a lot of the people that come to the, you know, to the comedy shows, like, we're kind of like-minded.
You know, even when we're talking in line and I tried to meet everybody I could, some of the early shows, I couldn't, but the late shows, I tried to meet every single person.
And, you know, even just sometimes the short conversations or just the look in our eyes to each other and that, you know, it felt like we were like-minded.
And so I'm just happy to be able to meet people that it would seem like I would meet anyway.
You know, we just meet up at a comedy show.
What else do I want to talk about, man?
My mind's a little all over the place.
Oh, I got a lot of people that reached out.
You know, I stopped into this past, The Fighter and the Kid the other day and had a, you know, and I had a nice chat in there with Brian Callens.
And he is, if you're not familiar with him, he was, I don't think he was in the Old Testament, but he was in the New Testament.
And he was a Jedi or something.
I don't know what he was, but he's seen many, many moons.
You know, Native Americans know him.
There's drawing of him.
There's drawings of him on hymns, probably those wiener pills, boy, those giraffe makers.
There's drawings of him on cave walls.
And these aren't rumors.
These are real things.
If you put your ear up to a seashell that you find on a mountain, you can hear it ask for Brian Callan.
You know, there's a lot of crazy things.
Like apparently one time a huge wave came and at the same time a rainbow was shooting through the sky and the wave was like 100 feet high.
And at the same moment, an eagle flew right in and there was like a triumvirant of water and rainbow and egality.
And that, they say, is when Brian Callen became.
So he's a very fascinating man.
But I stopped in there and we had like kind of a, we had kind of a, you know, an emote, not an emotional conversation, we had a kind of a, you know, a real conversation.
I was just thinking about stuff and they were super helpful.
And, you know, and Brendan, you know, because I get, you know, I don't get, I guess I get caught in my feelings a little bit, but I like it.
You know, sometimes I like to know what's going on with my feelings because when I was young, I didn't have a lot of feelings.
The only feelings I had a lot of times were, you know, anger or, you know, inferiority, you know, self-doubt, self-loathing.
And so for me, in the past three years of my life, I've been able to have different feelings.
You know, and some of that, you know, it takes some navigation.
But anyway, I had a lot of people send really nice messages and just supportive type of stuff.
And I just want to say thank you for that.
You know, I'm not trying to be this emo guy that's out here fucking whining and shit and like that and fucking, you know, throwing, you know, throwing fucking, you know, dirty handkerchiefs down a wishing well or something.
But whatever, man, you know, I like to think about what I'm feeling or feel about what I'm thinking.
And that's how there's nothing I can do about it.
You know, that's who I am.
And sometimes it's fun.
And sometimes it's not as much fun.
You know, and sometimes, you know, but I'm grateful that I have people like those guys.
I stopped in.
And there was a nice thing that Brendan said.
You know, he said, hey, man, the other day I felt like you weren't feeling that good.
And he goes, and I felt bad because I didn't know how, I didn't know what to say to make you feel better.
And, you know, I thought that was one of the most touching things that I'd really heard.
You know, Brendan and I joke around a lot.
You know, we do the podcast called King and the Sting and we joke around a lot.
But I thought that was a very, you know, a night, it was just a very nice thing for him to say.
You know, he said he grew up and his mom was, you know, his mom suffered from some addiction issues and he never knew how to talk to her to make her feel better.
You know, and just him saying that made me just, you know, even then, I just, you know, you just know right then that you have friends and people around you to talk to and that have your back.
And that's what it is.
That's, you know, that's all you can ask when you're having times where you're going through some tough moments is someone to be there to listen to you and just try and help you make you feel okay.
And I got a lot of that from, you know, from the listeners and also from just stopping in there.
And Brian is so smart, man, isn't he?
And he's so brave about, you know, just this is who I am, you know, he says, and this is, and I'm going to have times like this, and I'm going to have times like that, but this is who I am, and this is the path that I'm on.
And man, he has such a great energy.
And I hear from everybody that comes out and that has seen a lot of comedians, and they often comment on how much fun his show is.
He has both of those guys have unique gifts inside of them to make other people feel happy.
Do you notice that?
I think that's why people love the fighter and the kid.
And I'm grateful to them, you know, except for when they're loud and through this fucking wall, dude.
And I swear to God, boy, if this batch of headlights comes in that I ordered off the internet, boy.
And I'm talking big headlights, dude.
I ordered a fucking half a jar from Zaire.
And when those get from wherever they are to Zaire, I'm going to sneak them into their studio, boy.
It's going to be the fighter and the NYX.
NYX was an old thing they used to have to get rid of headlights.
Anyway, man, this episode is longer than I thought.
I thought it was going to be shorter, but it's okay.
I thought something was going to be something.
Isn't that funny?
I had a plan.
We can't have a man.
We can try, but, you know, apparently life had a bigger carrot out in front of me today, which was to be here.
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That's just like mom, you know, hitting us in the car.
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And these days, I think, you know, I've had experience over the years with investing and I find it instead of using a broker and doing that sort of thing, I find it pretty manageable to do by oneself.
But if it's not for you, there may be tools here on Robinhood or you may want to go the old-fashioned route and get a broker.
But this is an option.
And this apparently from everyone that I'm hearing is the way to keep most of your money yourself and not have to pay fees.
I'm going to let you guys know that I'm going to be in Phoenix, Arizona this weekend.
And then I'll be in Kansas City, Missouri the weekend after.
April 26th and 27th at Palm Beach, May 3rd and 4th at Carolines in New York City.
And I think we added a Sunday show this weekend.
I'm not sure about some others.
Did eight shows this past weekend in San Jose, and it was a lot.
And so I think some of that is why I'm feeling a little kind of, you know, it was just all over the place.
It was a lot.
It was just a lot, you know, and then by the end of the last show, I just was kind of, I could barely even talk anymore.
My face was just tired from talking on stage and from talking, just communicating.
And it was just after the shows, and it was just a lot, man.
But thank you so much for coming out.
I thought the theater right there they have is beautiful.
And that some people don't know the San Jose, that theater there, Harry Houdini performed in it.
And Harry Houdini, that's the magician.
And he performed there.
Let's get into a little news really quick.
United Airlines now offers non-binary gender options for travelers booking flights.
So you can say you are male.
You can say you're female.
You can say undisclosed or even X unspecified and will also have the option to choose the title MX.
Now I'll say this.
That's dope.
You can be basically you could be Clark Damn Kent.
That should be an option.
You know, I want to be Clark Kent.
I want to be a butterfly.
You know, I want to be nickelback.
You should be able to choose any option you want on there.
Why stop it undisclosed, unspecified?
Brian, don't be undisclosed.
Disclose you, you know.
Get on there.
Say you might have, you know, you might, you're about 40% male, 60% female.
You know?
Just at least, you know, let me know the odds of who's maybe next to me a little.
Not because I need, not because, but just let me know.
You know what I'm saying?
Tell me if you might be, you know, 30% carnival worker.
So in case you break out fucking, you know, in case you set a couple of little, you know, goldfish bowls on the thing and start shooting ping pong balls out of your face, trying to win a big fucking Chester Cheetah that's fake.
It's never Chester.
You see the thing at the fair?
It's always like Chauncey Cheetah.
And it's like, it looks like Chester Cheetah from the chip bag, but he got that fucking cigarette or he's hiding a little Graham back there by his tail, bro.
You ever seen Chauncey Cheetah, boy?
Chauncey Cheetah ain't fucking around, dude.
He's got those deadbeat dad Papers in his pocket, boy.
And that's who you win at that carnival.
You get that, you know, you get that goldfish when you get that hitter.
But at least let me know if I'm sitting next to, you know, 40% man, 17% woman, and then 30%, 30%, 33% carnival worker.
So we can know what's going on.
But yeah, I'm choosing MX boy unspecified.
Unspecified.
Dr. Dre should be an option, bitch.
I'm fucking 20% Dr. Dre today.
You know, I'm 30% 50 Cent.
You can find me in the fucking club, baby.
So anyway, if you want to be whoever you want to be in the skies, fly United.
Dude, also, they should put in there with the Lord.
So I could put, I'm 100% with the Lord in that sucker.
Just in case that plane gets a little, you know, flashy, crashy off some lightning.
And God's looking through the freaking Cedar decks to see who's sitting where.
He's going to be like, that's my little Angel right there.
That's me Hermano de Domingo.
That's me Angel right there.
That boy's 100% worth a lot.
So I go straight from the plane to the heaven.
You feel me?
And that's a pretty bad rhyme, and I'm sorry about that.
What else?
A beautiful video of a soldier returning home and surprising his son at Taekwondo practice went viral.
It was a touching the hearts of many.
I haven't seen this, but I heard about it.
Staff Sergeant Rob Sesterino had been gone for 10 months serving overseas for the Tennessee National Guard and surprised his nine-year-old son Luca by coming home early.
The family was first row for the UFC fight in Nashville on Saturday.
Wow, that's awesome.
It gives me chills.
You know, it gives me chills.
Because say what you, you know, people, there's all types of people serve in the U.S. military, all types.
People that want to make a better opportunity for their family.
People that sometimes don't have a choice.
They almost have to go there or they're going to jail.
So you got them VIX, boy, them C-VICs, you know, convicts.
People that love and want to support and fight for our country or defend our country.
People that believe that they...
And that's always fascinating to me.
And I love these videos, you know, because I think it's, it just, it shows a lot.
You know, it shows a lot of the human condition.
You know, it shows like longing.
It shows commitment.
The father has committed to his time.
There's a sense of honor because the parent that's returning usually has on a military garment for their country.
And a lot of us can relate to being a nine-year-old.
Hopefully.
I mean, hopefully there's no eight-year-olds listening to this show.
But that's always a touching moment when you see that.
And yeah, that's fun.
I haven't seen this one, but I'm looking forward to it.
What else?
We got what else?
Oh, Robert Miller suspends special counsel's Russia probe report to Attorney General.
I never thought that Russia had anything to do with anything, to be honest with you.
I just never got that vibe.
Do I think that everybody's using dirty shit on Facebook?
Yes.
Do I feel like if I start thinking about a pair of shoes, next thing you know, I turn my head and I'll see nine smoking hot women who don't even live in my town and who have never even existed before suddenly walking by wearing the exact same shoes that I want and maybe even like a little cat, like a cat.
And he gots on four little bitty same shoes exactly as I want.
And all of them have like a little microchip that's owned by Facebook built into their back.
Do I think that kind of shit happens to me a lot?
I notice it.
I feel like.
So I think everybody's after our brain stems.
I think everybody is, trying to convince us to do everything.
But I just, it just, I don't know.
I don't know what I think about this kind of stuff.
I just think that it's amazing.
I think it's unfortunate that the FBI was on this track for two years.
You know, but I guess it's a serious issue.
If somebody, if there really is, you know, severe tampering with election, then that's necessary.
But I just don't see how you would do it.
People have to go vote.
People, human beings, have to walk over there with the voter, with the peace, with the peace, with the so, you know, I can't even, but just the energy everyone had to spend dealing with this fucking shit.
Think about the FBI.
How many people have come into the country who have ill will?
How many children may have gone missing?
How many different things may have happened because they were on this goose chase for two years?
I don't know.
And also, I don't know a ton about stuff, you know, a ton of like political stuff.
But for me, I never felt like there was a collusion.
It always seemed like a bunch of bullshit to me because there was so much advertising around it by the news.
It was just such a constant thing, but it never seemed like there was enough grit to it.
You know, I just feel like we could spend our time doing a lot more important things.
But I don't let politicians run my life.
You know, I run my life.
You know, I don't need, you know, none of those decisions, any of those, any political parties ever made have affected what I do.
You know, if I work Hard.
I believe if you work hard and you try hard in this country, that you can get, you can, you can get your carrots, man.
You can get your carrots.
You can reach them.
You know, and I hear that from a lot of, like, speaking of Uber drivers and kind of almost going full circle here.
You hear that from a lot of Uber drivers.
And here in Los Angeles, you get a lot of guys from other countries that come in and, you know, first generation just got here, you know, will drive Uber.
And you hear a lot of them that this, it's the opportunity.
They're here for the opportunity.
And I believe it.
You know, I feel like once you start expecting the government to run your life or like, man, if you leaning on the government, dude, it's okay.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you.
And I shouldn't really be saying that.
But I think you'll have, for me, I believe you'll have better luck leaning on yourself.
I think you have, there's a lot, much less red tape.
And I believe that you can do it if you're having trouble doing it.
What else, man?
Let's.
Shit.
Hey, Arlene.
Sorry, guys.
I had a call.
I was supposed to be on a call right there.
And so I had to take that.
I want to tell you, though, that let's take a couple of calls.
Speaking of calls, man.
Man, I felt like I was right in the middle of thinking about something.
That's life.
This is Paola, a.k.a.
Lopi.
Okay, Paola.
And that is Bracio, huh?
I think Paola.
Maybe, I have no idea.
Thank you for calling, Lil P. Let's hear more.
AKA, Lil Mommy, you know.
Okay, okay.
Lil Mommy got a couple of them off spring.
How you running them spring around them off spreezy.
Let's go.
Just calling because I just saw your show at the San Jose Improv and just wanted to give you props.
I really appreciate you.
I really appreciate your dark art tour.
And I have a serious question for you because I've been working out.
But my booties still don't look as good as yours.
And I just wanted to know what type of exercises you do to get that booty popping.
I really need to know.
That booty popping?
Well, I don't even know what it is.
I don't have nothing, you know.
I came out, you know what I'm saying?
I grew up in a, you know, kind of like that stray animal belt.
And so when you got that, you know, a lot of over the generations, you never know.
Maybe a man will slip in there, a woman, you know, maybe somebody, a little steed or something, you know, a shetland pony, a little bit of DNA will stray up into your stream.
So you don't even know.
Sometimes you wake up in the morning and you just a little bit.
You're like, where did that come from?
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Grrr.
You're like, what is in my DNA?
You know, I came out of that stray animal belt.
You might have a little femur.
You might have a little bit of ferret in you.
You know?
You might have that furry bone, that femur it.
And you might have that in you.
So, you know, that's what I'm saying.
I got that junk in the trunk, that J in the tray.
I might be quarter shetling pony back there in the back.
You know what I'm saying?
You might see from behind.
If you're looking at me from behind, you might think you had it on a parade route.
Because I got them hips.
I'm that hip of Godamus.
You feel me?
Because I got them hip, hip, hippos.
You know, and everybody knows that I got the booty of a down sent.
You know, I got that DS booty.
And I got the booty of a young black girl who made the dance team.
But I'm glad you came out to the shows, Paola.
And ciao.
And that means, I think, please, thank you or goodbye in Portuguese.
Let's take another call here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, what's going on, man?
It's a 5-3-0 post, man.
Giving you a call from out here in the rainy skies of California right now.
Just wanted to, I don't know, man, I heard you on Fighter and the Kid, and it made me realize that everybody goes through these type of things where you're feeling all full of life and happy to be around friends and family.
And then I don't know where something just creeps up inside you and brings you down for three to four days, weeks, months to where, you know, I don't even want to be around friends.
I don't want to be around family.
And then I'm constantly beating myself down from past mistakes and shit that I've messed up on and regret.
And it was just crazy to hear you and Brian discussing that.
It made me realize that sometimes you just got to talk to somebody, which I don't like to do.
I'd rather be quiet and be left alone.
I feel you, man.
I feel you there.
And I appreciate your call.
And thanks for calling and sharing that.
I know it's sometimes not hard to do that.
And it's hard to do it when you're leaving a voice message.
But I appreciate you.
I don't want you to think that that went unnoticed or unheard.
And you mentioned a couple of things.
We don't want to talk to others.
We don't want to do things.
We don't want to go out.
And that's its tricks.
That's its tricks.
It teach you to stay by yourself, stay over here, do this, stay inside.
And there's scientific evidence that depression, it grows on itself.
So the less you reach out, the less you have little things over here.
You know?
Make your buddy a carrot.
Oh, I got to talk to freaking a lot, you know, Lawrence today.
Make him a carrot.
I got to, you know, I got to get a little nibble off of Donna.
You know, make Donna a carrot.
You got to reach out.
And that's how you break it.
You know, I'm not telling you what to do, but I am sharing from my experience.
And I got to get my feet moving.
I find once I'm in my head, if my brain is really moving, then it's fucking tricking me because my feet are supposed to be moving.
Because if my feet move, my brain will follow it.
They have no choice.
But if my brain starts moving, it will make my feet stay where they are because my brain will think it's taking me places.
Man, my brain ain't taking me anywhere.
My brain taking me down there behind the alley, you know?
And it's going to fucking hit me with a broomstick or something or make me think I'm not good enough or do this or do that or do something, you know, make me think about Yurken Alf or something, watching internet and watching, you know, booties and all of that and dirty sex on there.
And we're better than that, man.
That's why we got to put our carrots.
You got to put your plant your carrots out there when you're feeling bad.
No matter what, I'm going to call this person and check on them.
It's a reverse psych, bro, that depression is a reverse psychology, I find.
If I call, you know, Todd and I call little Eldrick, you know, and I call Big Gisha, right?
Next thing you know, I'm, hey, how are you doing?
What's going on with you?
And I, and I hear what's up with them.
Now I've done something.
I've helped somebody else a little.
I've been an ear for them.
And now the better parts of me feel a little bit of empowerment.
And then I get my feet moving.
I go to the gym.
I go for a walk.
I go do something.
I don't let my brain walk.
I try not to anyway.
But yes, like you said, we all do it.
And we all go through it.
And those are things that work for me.
Contrary action.
My brain tells me to stay in bed.
I get out of bed.
You know, I don't want to go to the gym or do yoga.
I fucking go.
Isn't that, because that's the hardest thing.
Oh, I don't want to do your brain's like, man, I don't want to do this shit.
And then you fucking do it.
Showing my brain who's boss and showing my emotions who is boss.
Because we have to sometimes, man.
We have to.
We owe it to ourselves, you know.
But thank you for your call, man.
And keep your head up.
You know, and keep your feet moving.
And just take the next right action.
Do the next right thing you need to make yourself feel okay.
Sometimes it's go get a bowl of cereals.
Sometimes it's take a walk.
Sometimes it's call someone else.
But sometimes you feel, I feel like, sometimes I feel like doing something and then I just won't do it.
Even though I know it's good for me.
Even if it's the littlest thing.
Do the dishwasher, clean the sink, turn on some music, little things like that.
I don't want to do it.
Something inside of me is like, don't do it.
But then when I do those things, I get a little better because then I'm taking control and I'm not letting that black ship just sail all around my waters.
But thank you for calling, man.
And yeah, you're not alone.
There's a lot of us out there together.
You and me.
All right, let's take one more call, man, and see what's going on.
Onward.
Hey, Theo, this is John calling to you from Covington, Louisiana, man.
Gang, gang, big Johnny boy out of that 985, son.
And that's my hometown, St. Tammany Parish, down there along the Chufuncta River in Covington, Louisiana, where Pistol Pete Maravich had raised his children and had a basketball gym built into his attic.
And where Lee Harvey Oswald, that LHO, that third-story depository bad boy who's gunning and reading fucking grapes of wrath at the same time, if he did it.
Where both of them have been from, where the tallest statue of Ronald Reagan in America is.
Covington, Louisiana.
Onward, brother.
And I just got off work and worked at Cracker Barrel.
Cracker Barrel, dude.
And that is where white people go to eat collared greens.
Onward, brother.
In Covington, I cook.
And since I love food, I got a food question for you.
My thing is I grew up on Crawfish Boils.
I grew up going on Crawfish Boil every year, every year, three times a year sometimes.
And the wish.
Oh, yeah.
Crawfish are beautiful, man.
Fucking, you know, that's dirt.
That's dirt.
That's dirt salmon.
Crawfish?
Bruh, that's the mahi-mahi of soil.
Onward.
I wanted to ask you, what's the weirdest thing you ever ate at a crawfish bowl that they cooked in with the crawfish?
For me, it was pineapple.
And I know that sounds weird, but pineapple in a crawfish bowl, you cook it in with it, it tastes amazing, dude.
Try it out sometime.
Thanks so much.
Brother Podcast, love you comedy.
Big fan.
Gang, brother.
Thank you for calling from my hometown, man.
That's awesome.
Man, that's so crazy to think that somebody from my hometown listened to this podcast, and I'm from my hometown.
And I've just been living my life in this circle.
And then now he's connected and we're tied up here.
I'll tell you this.
First of all, pineapple is good on anything.
I don't care where you find pineapple.
I don't care if you fucking you doing drywall and, you know, a couple of things of sheetrock fall down and they got a fucking couple of damp chunks back there from the 1800s, bitch.
Eat the pineapple.
I don't care if you find a couple of fucking warm grams of pineapple in your grandmother's apron with flint on it.
Lint, I mean.
Eat the pineapple, man.
That's fuzzy pineapple, brother.
That's a delicacy in, you know, in France.
Eat the pineapple.
But some of the best things I've had at a crawfish bowl, which I'm going to have because I'm going to be going home for Easter.
And my brother has a beautiful crawfish boil over there off Kenmore Avenue in Baton Rooch.
And they have yams.
They put sweet potatoes in there.
God damn, they good.
God damn, they good.
But you put sweet potatoes in there.
I've seen mushrooms.
I've seen psychedelic mushrooms at a crawfish boil.
And first they boil the crawfish and you eat enough of them fucking boomers, dog.
A couple of them fucking brain sprouters.
Next thing you know, You boiling, you boiling, boy, and you don't know what's going on, and you fucking hugging people you don't even know, bruh.
And you sweating out of your tongue, dude.
And you fucking think mother nature has your best interests at heart, bruh.
And that's that's when you're on psychedelic mushrooms.
But I like yams in there.
I like oranges or grapefruit halves.
You put those in there, cut them in half or slices.
I like, um, what else do I like in a crawfish boil?
Um, I love yams and sweet potatoes.
They just did it last year by my brothers, and I really, really enjoyed it.
Corn is popular.
What else you could put in?
I like those sausages, pieces of chicken.
You know, I like a sausage in there.
I like a good hit of sausage.
Venison, good shit.
Don't give me that fucking fatty, fatty, fatty sausage, bruh.
That shit that looked like it, you know, you know, like that sausage that came off of my 700-pound afternoon or whatever the show is.
Give me the good stuff, that hitter.
But that's it for me, man.
There's some other calls that came in.
I'll get to some of them next week.
I got to go, I got to go, honestly, rest.
And I got to go to a meeting tonight.
And I'm sorry to yawn.
But one other thing I will say that's good in a crawfish boy's carrots.
I like carrots in there.
And that's full circle again.
You know, just thinking about my carrots, like what carrots am I going to put in front of me that are going to make me feel good?
Not on the outside, because things on the outside, they only feel, you can only feel things on the outside with your hands, you know?
And I want to feel things with the rest of me.
Not like my crotch or nothing, but my heart.
I want to feel things with my feelings, you know?
And so I want to put carrots out there that make me, you know, that challenge me in different ways.
And we do that.
That's one of the things we talk about and we think about here on this podcast.
And I want to thank everybody that came out in San Jose.
I want to make sure that I did all my responsibilities.
I want to thank our advertisers, Robin Hood, Hair Club, Skill Shares.
And I just want to thank everyone.
I want to thank you for listening and being a part of this.
I'm happy to be in your ears and I have you in my heart, man.
And we do this shit.
You know, we're going to do a lot of cool things over the years.
I got nice, fun plans.
You know, I have a vision that one day I'd like to be able to open up like a halfway house or a place where people could get some help in like half the cities where I perform.
So then I could, what if, imagine I could go perform in a city and then have go to a meeting afterwards or go to a meeting before, you know?
And just, I don't know if that's true, but that can be a carrot for me.
You know, that can be a carrot for me.
But thank you guys, man.
Thank you for everything.
Be good to yourselves.
You know, you probably deserve it.
And let's get out of here like we came in here, man.
Learning as we go.
I want to thank also my buddy Harrison Phillips.
And he's part of that Bill's Mafia.
And he took us on a tour of Stanford University, their football facility and stuff this past weekend.
And it was awesome.
You know, Stanford only has 7,000 undergraduate and 7,000 post-grad who are on campus at a time, about 14,000, 15,000 students.
Isn't that crazy?
And to think they're able to, you know, compete as well athletically as they do.
And fuck USC.
That's something me and him both had in common was we both thought, fuck USC, bro.
And I hate to finish it up on that F word, but we did it, man.
You guys be good to yourselves, man.
I'll see you next week.
And you deserve it.
You deserve it.
And I deserve it.
And you reminded me this week, a lot of you guys, just through messages.
So many messages came in.
There's a lot of them I can't get back to, man.
So many, I just, and I don't say that in a pompous way.
I just can't.
I feel bad.
I can't reply to all of them.
But I'll do what I can.
And you do what you can.
Be good.
Be good.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your pains.
All of your demons exercise.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate living.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Is it deal?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John.
I'll take a quarter potted with cheese at a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
