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Dec. 30, 2022 - The Matt Walsh Show
10:28
Matt Walsh Reacts To Cringy New Years Resolutions TikToks

Matt Walsh celebrates the coming New Year by watching cringe TikTok's about New Years Resolutions. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Well, the New Year's coming up.
It's a time for New Year's resolutions, I suppose.
I'm not big on New Year's resolutions, because New Year's resolutions, they don't exist for the new year.
Let's be real about it.
They exist for all the months leading up to the new year as an excuse for you to not make changes right away.
The new year becomes sort of a receptacle for all of the commitments that you don't want to make right away, because if you're serious about making a change, you're just going to start doing it, no matter what it is.
Like, if you say, I want to start dieting at the New Year, if you're actually going to diet in the New Year, you would just start right away.
If you're serious about it, you would just, that moment, start doing whatever it is.
As Nike, one of the most insightful corporate mottos of all time, just do it.
This video is not sponsored by Nike.
So that's how I feel about New Year's resolutions, but they feel differently over on TikTok.
And over on TikTok, there are a bunch of people posting their New Year's resolutions.
So we're going to go through and watch those and make fun of them.
New Year's Eve is coming up, and I just want to say, don't kiss no men.
It's New Year's Eve, not New Year's Steve, bitch.
Turn lesbian.
This is the time.
That's actually kind of funny.
New Year's Eve, not New Year's Steve.
It doesn't make any sense, obviously, but making sense is not the bar that I'm going to set for a TikTok video because it's not fair to them.
I'm disappointed in the horrible homophobia in this video because I've been reliably informed by LGBT activists that nobody can choose their sexuality.
So you can't turn lesbian.
That's far-right propaganda, actually.
It's very dangerous.
You cannot change your sexuality unless Of course, you're, let's say, a heterosexual man who turns into a woman, but is still attracted to women, in which case, that's really the only way to turn into a lesbian, I guess.
You have to be a man first, and that's how you can turn into a lesbian.
So you can't change your sexuality, but you can change your gender, which in turn changes your sexuality.
That's what we're told.
Don't expect any New Year's resolutions from me.
I intend on staying the same snarky, sarcastic, foul-mouthed b**** you've all come to love.
Nobody does love you.
That's why you're...
Like this.
I mean, this is the ultimate female cope, is what you just saw there.
Nobody likes you.
Nobody wants to be around you.
You're lonely and alone.
And so you decide to embrace that as your personality.
I'm a snarky b****, you know?
This is default.
Like, you dye your hair purple and just decide to play it off like you meant to be this incredibly off-putting and unpleasant.
So it's kind of the...
Chicken or egg sort of philosophical conundrum in some ways, I suppose.
Did you start off being this way, and then nobody liked you, and so then you decide, I think that's really what it is.
That's what all purple hair is, by the way.
It is an attempt to turn unpleasantness into a personality.
Anytime you see someone with purple hair, that's what they're doing.
That's what the game is.
Ooh, this is a good question.
Here are my 2023 resolutions.
Comment your resolutions, the ones that you're comfortable sharing.
in the comments section.
First, I definitely want to get back to parts of me pre-panny.
You know, 2020 happened.
A lot happened.
All of our lives have been significantly changed because of it.
But you know, there were parts of my life pre-panny.
I just want to kind of recapture the essence of my life back then.
What am I talking about?
Okay, I gotta cut it off right there.
I can't even watch this anymore.
Did she just call the pandemic a panny?
Am I reading that correctly?
Pre-panny is what we're calling the pandemic now.
The pandemic was a panny.
So we have a cutesy nickname for a pandemic now.
Something tells me that this is new.
I don't think they did that like in the Black Plague.
They didn't call it the Black... It's the Black Panny.
Two-thirds of Europe has died in the panny.
Here's the New Year's resolution.
It's not that hard to use an entire word.
And I know pandemic, you know, that's a multi-syllabic word, and especially in the internet age, people find that very daunting.
But it actually doesn't take that much more time.
So how much time does it take to say the word panny versus pandemic?
It's like an extra millisecond you're tacking on.
And in the process, you don't have to sacrifice your dignity and sound like a clown.
So I think it's worth the commitment.
So I don't even know what her New Year's resolution is because we just skipped over it.
We'll keep going.
Y'all better not be doing any New Year's Resolutions in January.
European society got you thinking that you can make New Year's Resolutions in the middle of winter.
They got you thinking that you should start new things when nature is still hibernating.
This is not the time to manifest new things.
And that's why most of y'all will not succeed in your New Year's Resolutions.
Mimic nature.
This is a time to drop your leaves.
Shed old old things, hibernate, reflect, keep your ass inside,
journal, meditate, and keep dropping those old habits that no longer suit you.
And when spring comes around and nature starts waking up, then you manifest something.
And watch how everything will come to fruition.
So follow me for more tips if you want to tap back into nature.
What if I have a job though?
That's the one problem.
Just stay inside all winter.
Yeah, I mean, if you're living in your parents' house, then I suppose you could do that.
Speaking of, like, turning things into personalities and just going with it.
So, you know, you get the unpleasant women, put the purple hair on, it's like, well, this is my personality now.
And then there's this, too.
Someone who's just a loser, doesn't have a job.
And is living at their parents' house and then decides to wear a bunch of jewelry and a turban or whatever that is and then say, I'm enlightened.
I'm going to repackage myself as enlightened and above it all.
No, it's just you don't have a job.
That's what it is.
Although I do kind of like this idea.
I mean, there's something to it.
I'm going to start using this with my wife when she tells me like, oh, we need to clean out the garage this weekend.
I can say, no, sorry, it's winter.
I don't manifest new things in the winter, okay?
I can't manifest a new, a clean garage right now.
Get back to me in the springtime.
Nature is hibernating right now.
No, nature is not, like, there's still nature.
You do understand that, right?
It's, it's, that's, nature itself doesn't go away.
Nature just, you walk outside and that's, it's all nature.
Have we even heard one real resolution?
So I've decided for 2023, I'm just going to keep getting hotter and weirder.
That's my resolution too, I have to say.
But I will say in your case, the makeup seems to be, so you want to get hotter and weirder.
The makeup seems to be helping with the weirder resolution, but it's not doing much for the hotter resolution.
But this is just me.
[Sigh]
Okay, you know what?
I just wanted something easy, like eat my vegetables.
This, um, why?
You know, she's actually right.
You know, love yourself is, uh, that's a difficult resolution to manifest, as the other guy would say.
It's actually a horrible resolution.
It's basically impossible.
Like, you can't decide that my New Year's resolution is I'm gonna love myself more.
You can sit around all day, Thinking about yourself and thinking about how you feel about yourself, and it just becomes this self-cannibalizing cycle where you're circling around the drain.
And you could do that, but you're not going to be able to conjure this love for yourself that you're trying to, which is why it would be a really bad way to go into the new year.
Loving yourself, I'm not saying that you shouldn't love yourself.
We are all made in the image of God, and so we are God's creation.
And so for that reason, we should love ourselves.
We should even, we should accept ourselves.
That's true.
Think of it more of as a byproduct of a healthy life.
You're living a healthy life.
You will also love yourself, but not in this self-obsessive way.
It's more like you're just, you're fulfilling your responsibilities.
You're doing your duty.
You're living a healthy life.
And then one day you look back and you realize, oh, I feel good about myself.
I love myself.
It's a byproduct.
It's just something that comes along with the territory of doing the things that you're supposed to do.
So focus on those things rather than, because what people do these days is they do it the other way around.
They sit around thinking, well, I need to feel better before I can do anything.
Before I can do anything constructive and have a healthy life, I need to feel better about myself first.
And then once I feel better about myself, then I can start doing all of the healthy things.
But there's no reason for you to feel better about yourself because you're not doing anything that will create those feelings.
You see, that's the problem.
Hi, this is for my gaybie friends.
But if you're not a gaybie, you're more than welcome to stay.
We're inclusive here.
I'm sitting here in my closet thinking of you and knowing that some of you might be setting a resolution to come out this year.
Would it make it easier if you had someone to practice with?
I'm happy to be your practice person.
I'll go live at 2 o'clock Central Time on New Year's Day if you want to practice coming out to me.
I'm here, and I welcome you.
If you want to ask me anything else, you can do that too.
See you on New Year's!
I don't know exactly what's going on here.
This is an old woman in a closet talking to her gaybies and offering to let them practice coming out to her.
This is...
Imagine this is your grandmother.
Where's grandma?
Oh, she's in the closet shooting another TikTok video.
I guess this is the new version of a guy in a van offering free candy.
This is some of the least subtle grooming I've ever seen.
You know what?
As far as coming out as your New Year's resolution goes, I've got a different idea, very similar to what we said before.
How about this?
Here's a good resolution, especially for people on TikTok.
Stop talking about your sexuality.
Stop obsessing over it.
Stop making it your whole essence and personality.
Try to formulate some kind of existence outside of that.
You know what?
Actually, stop thinking about yourself in general to the extent that you can.
And go out and live your life.
Tamp down the narcissism.
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