Support the show for $3/mo at http://patreon.com/miniondeathcult and get a bonus episode very week as well as instant access to hundreds of hours of previous bonus content directly in your podcast app. This week, UPS goes genderless, and the Portland Crowd Control team resigns when one of their own is charged with assault.
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| I feel like before we get into the story, I just want to read something that will help set the tone, help put things into perspective, you know, so we don't get any jokers thinking that this is funny. | |
| Let people know just how serious this is. | |
| This was, this, what I'm about to read, I think was sent in by Zion. | |
| I think Zion sent it. | |
| Friend of the show either way. | |
| Thank you. | |
| Thank you. | |
| Lavender King Zion. | |
| Deserves a shout-out either way, but I believe this was Zion who sent this in, and I'm gonna read it to sort of set the tone for the story. | |
| this is called Tears of a Cop okay Fuck. | |
| I have been where you fear to be. | |
| I have seen what you fear to see. | |
| I have done what you fear to do. | |
| All these things I've done for you. | |
| It's the Metallica song? | |
| Did James Hetfield write this? | |
| I have done all that I am able. | |
| I am the table. | |
| I love I have been where you fear to be. | |
| Oh, you mean like my street? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Like, you came to me, my block, where I'm at. | |
| Oh, you mean San Bernardino? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Like, no. | |
| No, it's, yeah. | |
| No, I actually, I'm still here. | |
| Still going on. | |
| I am the one you lean upon. | |
| The one you cast your scorn upon. | |
| Mm. | |
| Rhyming a pawn with a pawn? | |
| All these people I've been for you. | |
| The one you ask to stand- Oh, no. | |
| I skipped it. | |
| The one you bring your troubles to. | |
| All these people I've been for you. | |
| I love this, like, mystical creature who is the one who just freaking hates cops, but also leans upon them every day. | |
| Yeah. | |
| That's probably a person. | |
| But they're white, so... | |
| Sorry, this is serious here. | |
| Sorry, I didn't mean to break up the tension. | |
| The one you ask to stand apart. | |
| The one you feel should have no heart. | |
| Should have no heart. | |
| The one... Hey, who's ever requested that? | |
| You know what my problem with cops are? | |
| Too much heart. | |
| Too much gumption. | |
| too much gumption too much character in these guys you know we need more team players less rudies - The one you call the officer in blue, but I am human just like you. | |
| You fucking officer in blue? | |
| You fucking blue wearing officer? | |
| Sorry, I don't see color. | |
| They're convoluting someone who admires them and someone who hates them right now. | |
| It's just citizens? | |
| It's just citizens. | |
| I think they're like just hunting, like desperately hunting for rhymes. | |
| Yeah. | |
| That's all. | |
| The one you call the officer in blue, but I am human just like you. | |
| And through the years- Just like us. | |
| Through the years I've come to see that I am not what you ask of me. | |
| So will you- So take this badge and take this gun. | |
| Will you take it? | |
| Will anyone? | |
| And when you watch a person die and hear a battered baby cry- What? | |
| And then- So you think that you can be all those things you ask of me? | |
| Holy fuck. | |
| I kind of like the idea of them gesturing to their gun in the holster, just like, you're not, hey, do it. | |
| Yeah, I'm not falling for that one again. | |
| I learned my lesson there. | |
| This podcast is being recorded from heaven. | |
| I love, yeah, take this badge and take, I like to think he's talking to like his police chief. | |
| Like this is like, This is like the most embarrassing version of the, uh, you know, the Dirty Harry talk that somebody gets when they get called into the police, you know? | |
| You killed three innocent bystanders! | |
| You blew up four buildings! | |
| Give me your badge and gun right now! | |
| And then, like, Clint Eastwood is like, The one you bring your troubles to. | |
| All these people I've been for you. | |
| You're gonna cast your scorn upon? | |
| What do you bring your troubles to? | |
| You're gonna lean upon? | |
| And through the years I've come to see that I am not what you ask of me. | |
| It's like, it's Toxic Boyfriend. | |
| I'm sorry I'm not good enough. | |
| You know what? | |
| It is my fault. | |
| You know what? | |
| It's my fault. | |
| I'm sorry. | |
| I'm sorry I'm fucked up. | |
| Okay? | |
| I'm sorry that I'm fucked up. | |
| I'm the one you call for help. | |
| But what if I just FUCKING KILLED MYSELF?! | |
| Clint Eastwood just starts hitting himself and like, he starts punching walls. | |
| I'll fix it later! | |
| Just leave! | |
| I'm the one you rest your hopes upon. | |
| They'll miss me when I'm gone. | |
| Just turns into a blink when he's. | |
| Yeah. | |
| What are you talking about? | |
| Listen, I was being the nice guy. | |
| Sorry I was so nice. | |
| Please tell Trump it was not his fault. |