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Dec. 9, 2021 - Louder with Crowder
51:01
THIS IS MAGA COUNTRY! What You Missed From Jussie Smollett HOAX Trial | Louder with Crowder
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Time Text
To be continued...
To be continued...
Enter the D-D-D-D-D-Dune!
And right now, Reg Brown taking the stage.
Guaranteed at least second placement.
But he's going to need to pull out all the stops to take out reigning champion Cora Blackhead tonight.
Look at that flex, my friend.
That move actually is called the Spirit of Detroit.
Look at those muscles.
You know what?
Interesting that you say that.
It sort of reminds me of the monument when you come into Detroit, Reggie Brown.
Just that giant black fist.
Yes, yes indeed.
Welcome to the Midwest.
The Paris of the Midwest.
Look at this, he really has impressed me today.
Oh, but I tell you what, now the four-time reigning champion, Quarterback Garrett, look at him coming out with the grace of a swan.
Of course, his signature ranger panties available at Crowder Shop, which is what this is all about.
But the way that he moves in them is that of a dancer.
I tell you what, God ran out of charm when he put his mold in the oven there.
Yes, he did.
He used all of it.
From what I understand too, Quarterback was eating a sundae before.
Hold on one moment.
Here comes the... Oh, there it is!
The double glute flex.
That is going to be hard to beat.
I'm gonna change these pants.
He's a champion, but he is coming in tonight like a contender.
Look at this.
Gonna flex that thigh.
Just did an awful job of applying that tanning lotion.
Oh!
The judges have decided!
Yes!
It is!
Well, Quarter Black Garrett, no surprise here.
That will be his fifth Mr. Crowder Shop title.
Reg Brown, being a good sport, but you can just see on his face that he has no clue as to how this happened.
And I think that folks out there, of course, can get their own answers at CrowderShop.com.
CrowderShop.com!
IN THE STRANGE GNARLY WALL That's what I know
I GOT ONLY ONE CHOICE No, No!
In the strange gnarly wall I COME TO FOLLOW
I WIN THIS BEAT I GOT ONLY ONE CHOICE
I love you too.
That'll be $20.
Welcome!
Ahoy!
And welcome to Louder with Crowder with Dave.
Today's a very special show, but remember, it's a live show Monday through Thursday at 10 a.m.
Eastern.
Remember, if we're booted from YouTube, the show goes to Rumble, Podcasts, Mug Club, all sorts of places.
I think I named the three that are... See there?
Look at all those podcasts!
Yes, important.
Look right here.
And you put three syllables in Mug Club.
Mug club?
Yeah.
That's a gasp from the sip.
Well, I'm sorry, I was trying to swallow.
Well, that's fair.
That's his job.
Get your calling card.
Boy, I say that a lot every day.
All the greats have their calling cards.
Yes, they do.
Third share's piping up a lot already.
I know!
Don't be mad.
He's... don't be mad. You own the business.
I'd like to welcome Gerald A.
How are you, sir?
I am fine.
Yourself?
I am doing well.
How does it feel over there?
Is it nice?
It feels better.
Oh, it does?
It feels like I'm in control.
Yeah.
Don't let it go to your head.
It won't.
I don't have any self-esteem.
Tokenowin, ahoy.
How are you?
Good?
Ahoy.
Tim the Toolman?
Hey.
He wasn't prepared for that.
Hi.
The El Borland of the office.
And we have, of course, one of my favorite humans on earth, Quarterblack.
Hey.
Little known fact, I'm not wearing pants right now.
It's just ranger panties.
Oh, is that right?
Every day, actually.
I do that every day.
I filed the complaint with HR.
Well, too bad I'm wearing them.
Is that because you're an all white guy?
Yes.
Totally white guy.
Completely white guy.
That's what I was told, yeah.
I understand.
And in third chair we have a very special guest, Stephen Crowder from the show Louder With Crowder Without Dave.
Oh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because Dave has an inborn need to dominate.
And, well, you can sit next to me, too.
Well, I'm gonna introduce.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't you worry.
Don't you worry.
I won't.
Where's that button?
Another one of my favorite people on earth crawdaddy himself
Still not a nickname, Dave.
It is a nickname.
It can be.
Everybody calls you Crawdaddy.
Don't fight it.
Papagrotter.
Crawdaddy.
Hello.
Darren.
Ahoy, whatever.
What is your catchphrase?
Ahoy.
Trying to swallow.
Oh, wow.
Well, both.
I mean, it depends on what party I'm at.
Yeah, some of it's more of an ahoy!
Why I do that is, you know the first way that Alexander Graham Bell answered the phone?
I don't know who called him.
Yeah.
But it was a hoi hoi.
It was a hoi hoi?
A hoi hoi was the original way to answer a telephone.
Wow.
This is a lie.
He was a Canadian.
That's not the only good thing that Canadians invented.
And basketball.
Canadians invented basketball?
Yeah, moronically.
Do you know the story about basketball?
No.
That's not true.
Do you want me to?
Yes.
So, the guy might know.
His name was really like a basic white guy named something like John Smith or Clint Black.
Jerry West?
Yeah, exactly.
Clint Black would make sense.
And they invented basketball.
They were throwing it in an actual basket, hence the term.
But then they had to climb up on a ladder.
They were like, we have to go get this ball out.
They were like, well, this is difficult.
So then what they did was they said, I know.
We'll devise a system with a chain That they put in the basket so when they would get the ball in the basket, they would yank the chain and the ball went out.
They said, well, this seems a little bit complex.
I know!
We'll cut a hole in the basket.
So they cut a small hole in the basket so that they could poke it out with a broomstick.
Silly.
So silly.
Why don't you make the big hole?
So a country of ice fishermen were like, I don't know what to do.
This is a real puzzle.
It's really hard to play this on the pond, guys.
There were so many white guys playing at that point that there weren't enough baskets.
One thing, too, because everyone's been joking about how Quarter Black is all white.
I mean, your grandfather's completely black.
Yeah, he's really black.
He's really dark, like Wesley Snipes.
I'm seeing photos.
He looks like Scatman Crothers.
Yes, he does, actually.
The shiny Nipsey Russell, right there.
You know, the likeness is off, but the skin tone, spot on.
Sorry, Dave, this is your show.
No, it is.
It's really your show.
I'm just at the helm in one of my favorite shirts to celebrate.
Steve, look at the sign.
Look at the sign.
It says, with Dave.
Until it falls down.
It's over to the side.
I just didn't have time, you know, with family and twins and all this stuff, and Kyle Rittenhouse was here late, so I was like, guys, I'm gonna screw this up, so I'd rather Dave screw it up.
Dave, here's a grenade, you jump on it.
You could tell he was really in jail for a little too long because he kept talking about the Koran.
Yes.
Yeah.
The second the cameras were off, it was like, easy.
It was strange.
Hurricane Dignity.
In the green room, they were doing the tribal tattoo on his face.
I know.
Just a slave name.
A lot of tattoos done with guitar string.
Right, yes.
And he changed his name to Kylan Muhammad.
Yeah, he made a nice toilet wine, though.
Geraldine.
He did, yeah.
Unbelievable.
98 point rated.
Yeah, cherry toilet wine, too.
Use a little champagne yeast.
I don't know where he gets it.
Cherry toilet wine.
Bum, bum, bum.
But, but, but, prison never sleeps.
Tastes like shit, but it's made so fine.
It helps dull the pain.
Hey Dave, you're not gonna be generous with your money.
You're going to be at Helium Comedy Club in Buffalo, December 30th to January 1st, and then Big Show, February 12th at the Majestic Theatre in Dallas.
And I will be opening for him.
My first time just doing stand-up in a couple of years.
Can I watch?
No.
Everyone has actually got free tickets here, except you.
Your wife can come.
Yes.
Dave, why?
Well, she's cool.
Your son can come.
Yes.
He's 16 months old.
He won't... I... Your third cousin is welcome.
Yes.
Your sister can come.
You can stand outside.
Mm-hmm.
Like how Jesse used to do it from Full House and listen to the music outside at night.
Oh, hell.
No, that didn't work.
Look at you.
Fail.
Yes, but we will be there February 12th at the Majestic Theatre.
You can go to AEG Live for tickets.
And Stephen, Asked to open, which I was very, very happy about.
I'm just gonna say it.
We talked the other night, and well, he's a stand-up comic, and he should do stand-up comedy.
And hey, just want to point out, metal detectors, but open carry and a lot of fans.
Don't mess with us.
You got a room full of people.
You don't want to look like Swiss cheese.
All right, so come on out.
We will be prepared for any BS.
It's a comedy show.
Yes, that's why we have Gerald outside.
Everybody down!
I don't think so.
The metal detector is just Gerald with a wand that doesn't work, so try some and find out, everybody, with Gerald.
It's actually a wand based on race.
Yes!
You guys are setting me up for something.
I can't tell what's going on.
I'm sorry, I meant culture, yes.
Culture.
Yeah.
Culture.
You seem like a cultured man.
Thank you.
What's your favorite wine again?
Stop it.
Francia?
Barefoot?
Anything in a box?
Nein!
Soccer mom?
Yellowtail?
You should see his Pinterest.
I hate all of you.
Cold duck.
Wait!
His Pinterest is just like, it's a Vietnamese pho bowl with wine.
I haven't had my wine today.
You know that at least once a day is like, it's wine o'clock somewhere.
Add to calendar.
Killed Stevie.
I ate fruit for dinner.
Drank wine.
Oh, I drank my dinner.
He shaves his lady parts.
All right, so ahoy and welcome to Louder with Crowder with Dave.
Happy to still be filling in today.
Don't fret, Stephen is still here in third chair.
I feel like we covered that.
And we have a great show.
I don't read from a prompter.
We have a great show.
Pause for applause.
We're talking about Biden's recent phone call to Putin and covering the highlights of the Juicy Smollet trial.
Plus, there was a wedding in the metaverse?
What the heck does that mean?
But first, Hillary Clinton still can't let go of the 2016 election.
And it is downright hilarious.
Let's watch her cry as she reads from her would-be 2016 election victory speech.
Listen to me.
You will survive.
You will have a good family of your own.
And three children.
And as hard as it might be to imagine, your daughter will grow up and become the President of the United States.
Oops.
I am as sure of this as anything I have ever known.
That's a weird letter to get before you're hung in jail.
America is the greatest country in the world.
And from tonight going forward, together, We will make America even greater than it has ever been for each and every one of us.
Thank you.
God bless you.
And may God bless America.
I have a genuine question.
Who is she reading to?
Was she addressing herself?
No, it's the Masterclash.
Are you aware of the Masterclash?
It was a Masterclash, but she was very specific, like, you will have three kids.
Oh, yeah.
Talking about her parents, I think.
Her parents.
Oh, her parents.
Yeah, her mom.
She labeled herself a wonderful kid.
Yes, absolutely.
By the way, she can't walk forward.
She's like a shark.
She has to go backwards.
If she goes backwards, something with the gills.
I don't know.
Well, you know how when you predict the future, always a little off?
Yes.
So I guess your mom got most of that right up until the precedent part.
Right, yeah.
She also believed that computers would take up a whole room.
Yeah.
Forever.
Flying cars.
You will have a flying car.
Yeah.
And if it stalls, you will die.
Robot made.
Continued reading it.
Meet George Jetson, his son Elroy.
She harkens back to a simpler day when Democrats actually liked the country and praised it.
Yeah, that's true.
And said, God bless it.
And the greatest country in the world.
That's not today.
Yeah, she's like, if I don't win, she continues.
A virus will appear.
The world will begin to collapse.
There will be riots.
And the seventh seal.
It will not be my fault.
It will be the Russians.
You will never stop paying for this.
All right, take the present.
And you will love me!
Alright, so now, if you want to, you can sign up for that masterclass, I Don't Know What You're Learning.
Why would you not?
How to not get elected and give a speech?
Beto should do it.
He has a lot of experience.
If you go on that, you can be like, oh, I can learn to write from David Mamet, I can learn to direct from Martin Scorsese, oh, Hillary Clinton being a bitch.
That sounds like a good 12 hours wasted of my life.
If you take the advanced class, she teaches you how to convince the whole world you're not a lesbian.
It's pretty good, yeah.
How to shave Maxwell Canne ankles.
Chock full of nuts, Dave.
Chock full of nuts.
Yeah, the whole time she's just using like a crocodile dundee knife to shave her legs.
Chock full of nuts is that wonderful ankle.
How to not have sex with your husband until he just goes anywhere else to get it.
Think about her resume, though.
We think about her being somebody, really, in public service.
She married a guy.
He became president.
Then she snuck into an office being vacated in New York where she had never lived.
She got like a timeshare for like two weeks.
She didn't come up through the ranks.
She went right to U.S.
Senator.
And now she's being appointed to who knows what.
Well, yeah, when I lived in Harlem, people were like, oh yeah, did the Clintons still live there?
I'm like, what do you mean still live there?
Like, no.
Never lived.
There's nothing there that's theirs.
Maybe there's some bodies, not to say that there's no proof.
Nobody would look for them there, so it's the best place to hide.
Why isn't the FBI following that with a drone?
It's like, we don't need more footage of her scissoring Huma.
Oh, jeez.
Sorry.
You make those jokes all your life.
Doesn't third chair make you do that?
It makes you do that.
It's the chair.
I just get to light a stick of dynamite, throw it in, and be like, here Dave!
That's the best part of third chairs, you just say something.
So let's talk about this.
Why do you think Jussie Smollett pretended to be attacked by his alleged gay lover?
Go ahead and comment here, why do you think he pretended to be attacked?
I understand that it was not white guys, it was two men Potentially from Nigeria.
I don't know.
What?
Yeah, I haven't, I guess he's, we'll see.
I don't know.
I don't want to accuse the guy of anything.
Those two stand-ins from Amistad.
Yes.
I'm just a huge fan of the man's work.
Yes, yes.
By the way, hey, I will say this.
If you guys like Dave, Phil, and Host, and you enjoy, you know, it's a little bit of a different day, smash that like button.
Yeah!
Smash it!
Or the black carrot.
Smash it.
I'm gonna feel really good when it's like eight.
Yeah!
Yes!
Yeah, it's like a Biden speech.
Nice!
Well, it won't be that bad.
Everybody takes away the likes that they dislike.
Dislikes.
You can't see the dislikes.
We don't want to hurt the president's feelings.
By the way, he just spoke at the Bob Dole laying in state ceremony and I'm like, I wonder what it must feel like to know that you might have a reservation there.
Oh yeah, that whole room I understand people wearing masks.
I'll be here probably a few weeks.
I don't know, how long is he going to be here?
What happened?
That's my spot.
Is that my bed?
I think I'm going to lay there a little while.
Didn't I pick one of those out?
I'm getting real tired.
I honestly, and I'm not even trying to be a jerk, I honestly thought Bob Dole had passed already.
So did I, me too.
I thought he was dead.
Norm Macdonald, who played Bob Dole on SNL as an old man, passed before Bob Dole.
I'd already mourned him.
Yeah, I didn't know he was still alive.
And they had difficulty closing that casket lid, they say.
Oh, really?
Oh, yes, but I heard just the bottom half.
He was the first spokesperson for Viagra.
Bring this up from Mug Club later, there's a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears, and then Bob Dole was at home with his dog, barking, and he's like, easy boy.
You're like, oh wow, that's great, a horny old man watching the Super Bowl halftime.
Watching a 17-year-old dance.
From what I understand though, his coffin does actually have a curve.
He has a carve-out.
He's got a little bowl trouble with the curve.
But I remember that.
It was for the Super Bowl and you're like, I believe she's still 17.
Yeah, I believe.
And he's like, easy boy.
Whoa.
Actually, he says, easy boy.
The dog's, hey, that's my line.
You're the baked beans dog.
It was.
Alright, let's talk about this, guys.
On Tuesday, Putin and Biden had a video call about Ukraine.
That's good.
Some would say.
No overlay there?
Oh, there it is!
You can take it down, I was reading it.
Biden apparently called for a de-escalation at the Ukraine-Russia border, and U.S.
officials said they already have a package of economic sanctions to impose on Russia should they invade Ukraine.
Huge package.
Huge.
Big, large package.
Huge, Bob Dole-hardening package.
Robbing package.
Robbing, thrusting package.
Veiny.
We have actually obtained an exclusive recording of Biden's prep before the video call, which is extensive due to his geriatric state.
For the last time, there's nobody here by the name of Curly Pupes.
No, it's Ron Klain, your aide.
Oh, sorry.
I thought you were a crane caller.
It's okay.
I just need to prep you for... Oh, you got aides?
I gotta take prep?
Did we sex?
No, Mr. Former Vice President.
I'm your aide, and I need to prepare you for your call with Vladimir Putin.
Oh, from Bullwinkle?
The President of Russia.
Oh, right.
Okay, look, Putin is massing troops on the Ukraine border.
We believe he's going to invade, sir.
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay, good.
No, not good.
It's bad.
We need you to talk him down and use extreme threats.
Oh, like when I send Hunter to bed without dessert or a crack?
No, no, Putin won't care about that.
We need to take substantial economic countermeasures, sir.
Oh, yeah.
Measure the blinds.
Oh, gosh.
Look, we'll stop Swift Payments making it impossible to receive money transfers, participate in international commerce, and even- Use Diner's Club.
Or, buy one of them new, fancy, horseless garages.
Oh, does anybody else smell panties?
Just- Please, just try not to talk too much.
To who?
Who is this?
Okay, you know what, alright.
We'll reconnect later, sir.
Bye-bye.
Okay, totals.
Yeah, hello?
Is Buster Hyman there?
Oh, oh, let me check.
He wore a corset spot on Biden, I don't know.
It is.
Fantastic.
Wait, you're telling me that wasn't Biden?
No, I'm not saying it wasn't.
It was either that or Rich Little.
I'm really glad I wasn't here to pre-tape any sketches.
Me too.
Well, this is what you get.
A B- for it.
A B- Biden.
How does a show like this get Rich Little and Bob Dole references?
I know, it really shouldn't.
We're just altering our demo.
Is that Frank Trenolina?
For some reason, us and anybody under the age of 72 missed that joke.
Just really quickly, going back to that phone call, the newest thing that Biden, I think the White House has proposed, is actually the Ukraine giving them more land to stave off an invasion.
Which is a terrible idea.
This is the appeasement kind of stuff that cost them Crimea.
This is the appeasement stuff that let Hitler take over the Sudetenland.
It was like, well, if we just give him this stuff, he'll be fine.
He won't attack you.
And it's like, are you serious?
We're really doing this again?
So I know we're making fun of Mr. Biden here, but this is scary to have him in that chair right now.
Kind of like if you just get that third booster, they'll leave you alone.
Hold on.
David, you're fuzzy.
Hold on.
I believe it's a fourth booster.
If you just give up your guns, we won't have any gun violence anymore, Australia.
No, that's just my face, Garrett.
I have a fuzzy face.
Garrett, why would you turn around like that?
I walk around pixelated.
His camera's like, I don't know which one to focus.
There we go!
Pretty close.
There you go.
Look at that.
Stephen's like, no!
No, fuzzy!
Go fuzzy!
Give me the lens filter, the Marilyn Monroe effect.
It's like Tom Hanks in Castaway.
He's more of a cheesecloth, really.
You didn't visit Epstein Island?
No.
A little different.
That was where he got Wilson.
And he cut a hole in it.
I don't know why.
There's Nixon in the shower next to the Prel.
Wilson!
Wilson!
You know he had a little sex with it.
How long are you going to be out there where you're not like, Wilson?
What are you going to do with that top hole?
Come on, let's go spearfishing, guys!
That whole movie advertisement for FedEx.
Pretty much, yeah.
The last scene is just- And Wilson.
Yeah, really.
Yeah.
It's like right after the movie, like, what do I do?
Ship Wilsons via FedEx?
I don't know, like, I think the whole thing is it may take four years for your package to arrive.
Yeah, that's really- That's probably not a good advertisement.
No, but it's like, we'll get it there regardless.
The guy's like, I've already had this replaced.
What do you mean?
I now have three children.
Yeah.
I don't need it anymore.
But thanks for the packing peanuts.
I appreciate it.
I had ordered a vasectomy coupon and now I have three rotten kids.
It's kids who watch Daddy's soccer ball with a bloody handprint on it.
Daddy's sticky handprinted soccer ball.
I'd clean that if I were you guys.
Just a bunch of bottles of confections and seawater.
Thanks!
Couldn't wrap up Helen Hunt and bring her to the window?
Oh boy, wouldn't you be happy if you dodged that bullet?
You just come back and you're like, oh, nose.
Thank God I crashed.
Look at the schnoz!
Oh, look at you.
I'd rather have sex with old Wilson.
Again.
Not a joke.
Again.
Oh, Wilson!
Wilson!
He's a tender lover.
In more serious issues.
No means yes, Wilson!
Yes means no.
He got me too'd by Wilson?
What?
How funny when Eddie Wilson comes out later.
He's like, look, on the set it got pretty dark.
It's just little Wilson on the Wendy Williams Show.
He's like, yeah, well really, he put me at the end of a spear.
That's not true!
Meanwhile, she's just drifting in and out of life.
Why do you think I swam for my life when you finally went into the ocean?
Yeah, it really was a Titanic ending.
You don't do that because you just lost a regular ball.
That's when you lose a sex toy.
That's a lover.
Yesterday guys, let's be serious.
Speaking of lovers, yesterday the New York Times reported a lovely couple named, whoops,
missed the coaster, a lovely couple named Tracy and Dave Gagnon, that's a good name
for a girl.
Real names.
I believe that for sure.
Tracy and Dave Gagnon said their I do's to each other when they hosted their wedding
in the metaverse?
Aww, very sweet.
Mrs. Gagnon's avatar was walked down the aisle by the avatar of her close friend Mr. Gagnon's avatar.
This is cringe, man.
Wow, this is rough.
Okay.
She walked on the avi- I'm gonna re-read it.
Guys, don't worry about that last part.
I just can't believe it's so stupid because I don't know what it is.
Miss Gagnon.
Sounds like some f***ing commie gobbledygook.
Oh, that's them?
That's pretty accurate.
Yeah, that's them.
Oh, cool.
Yeah.
Miss Gagnon's avatar was walked down the aisle by the avatar of her close friend Mr. Gagnon's
avatar was watched as his buddy's avatar ambled up.
Ambled up again, you're missing a period.
Which is usually a problem.
Don't worry, it's not like it brings any less credibility.
Are you saying I'm pregnant?
Let's go for a third time.
Would you like me to read it, Dave?
Uh, you know what?
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna be the little engine that couldn't.
Come on!
Your punctuation's perfect!
I can't help it!
Mrs. Gagnon's avatar was walked down the aisle by the avatar of her close friend.
Period.
Mr. Gagnon's avatar watched as his buddy's avatar ambled up to the stage and delivered a toast.
And seven-year-old twin avatars, the ring bearer and flower girl, danced at the reception until they were kidnapped and brought to Epstein's Avatar Island.
I did not think he would survive after death, but he was in the metaverse.
It's really a weird way to end a wedding.
It is.
It is.
I just, you know, I used to get pissed off when people would get married in like, you know, Chuck Taylors.
It's like, come on, if there's one day for tradition, you know, just, just do it on the wedding day.
And then instead they're like, yeah, you know what, let's get married in our virtual boys.
Yeah.
Well, virtual boys, that's a good reference.
I had a virtual boy.
Oh really?
I got married in Chuck Taylors, but we'll get to that later.
So did I!
Yeah, right?
Oh, jeez.
And I was in a chapel, you'll like that part.
I got married dressed like Boba Fett.
In Vegas.
Yeah, well.
Boba Fett to Chuck Taylor.
But the Virtua Boy, that was the first metaverse, only it turned out it was like looking directly into a laser light and it gave you eye cancer.
Yeah, there was nothing virtual about it other than the fact that you had to wear goggles, and that was it.
Then I just worked with a Game Boy controller, and one day my mom's like, we have to take this away, and it was apparently because it was giving you eye cancer.
Which explains why my reading level is sixth grade.
That's how you miss the punctuation.
It's all the red lines.
It's not my fault.
It's not your fault.
It's all that Mario tennis.
It's because I played Red Tetris and it burned my face.
I saw what messed you up.
It was the period and then mister with a period.
Yeah, it's two periods.
You don't want to have two periods in a row like that.
No, it sucks.
That means there's a problem.
That's ten to fourteen days of I don't want to deal with it.
You know what I'm saying?
Suicide by calling her bitch.
Oh, throw those pants away, honey.
I know exactly how I'll collect my life insurance if it comes to it.
I'm glad I have life insurance.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah, I got just enough to pay for my car.
To be buried in it.
Yeah, I bought a casket.
No coffin.
I bought a curved Bob Dole casket.
A wiener casket, let's just call it that.
I really, I feel very bad for, you were saying, Darren, that that was like his, they were saying he was robbing the cradle a bit with that girl.
Yeah, but she's 80!
But she's 80 now That's an old cradle
That's right.
Yeah, it's really more of like a... Secondary grave robbing.
You don't rob in the cradle so much as the assisted sling that you have to move her around with.
Get me in the room temperature pool!
Yeah, but she was like way younger than him.
Yeah.
Well, Joan Rivers used to have a great bit about Viagra.
You know, it's not nature's way to have a 98 year old guy chasing an 80 year old woman around.
Nobody's chasing at that age.
Come on.
Wheeling.
It's like one of those pirate cuckoo clocks.
I would imagine cruise ships, most of the deaths are just Viagra related heart attacks.
Yes.
And the fallout therein.
Yeah.
Hey, wouldn't you want to die that way though?
No, no, no.
That's COVID, guys.
No, I mean like accidentally last four hours, you bump into somebody who's looking over the side.
Right.
Oops.
I'm sorry.
Ah, jeez.
You see this?
I'm gonna go play shuffleboard with this thing.
Wait a minute, I'm sorry, you said this is a negative side effect?
I have an erection that lasts for four hours?
I wouldn't like that.
Is there a doctor on this ship?
Call the ladies.
Quarantine it like whatever it was, a princess with COVID because all the guys get throat cancer from Raquel Welch's HPV.
This is the worst vacation of my life.
And the best.
It's worth it.
Damn that Bridget Bardot.
Wow, that is a pull.
I'm going way back.
I'm trying to think their generation.
You see where I get it?
I'm wondering who's laughing on the other end of that one now.
As long as we get it, I don't care.
Her ex-husband.
He's like, haha, dumb bitch.
Sure, she did this to me, but I feel better.
Well, in case you guys wanted to know, apparently this couple, before they actually met each other, their avatars met at a Metaverse business event.
And they promptly got into a fight.
Yes.
What an awful life.
Metaverse couples counseling.
I want to see what the avatars look like in relation to the actual people.
They've got to be better looking.
No, I really do.
Because the guy chose to be bald in his avatar.
He could have done anything in the world.
He chose to go bald.
I'm betting he's pretty accurate.
And she looked like a Barbie doll.
Maybe he's just so confident.
In real life?
I'm just wondering how close the guy was to the... There's two real things.
They'll pick one flaw.
One will be he's actually bald in real life, and she has blonde hair that's dyed.
Okay, so it does look like she has blonde hair.
Do we see her?
Can we see her?
He's got a hat on.
He's definitely bald.
Can we zoom in?
Or he's just super confident, like a reverse stelter, trying to throw him off the scent.
It's the best we can do.
By the way, Metaverse looks really popular.
There's like eight people.
It's like a Biden rally.
If you're going to create a fictional universe, why the Courtyard Ballroom Bee?
It could be like a castle or something cool.
Like one of the castles from Mario.
Yeah, like the Beauty and the Beast Ballroom.
Yeah, one metaverse person just sucks at event planning.
Right.
It's like, well, we can only get La Quinta.
Yeah.
The cake is late.
Come on!
High school's gym.
If you're Metaverse marrying at La Quinta suite.
Yeah, yeah.
Enjoy.
You get a free room.
Ballroom B. There's a tub I wouldn't bathe in.
Guys, you're gonna have to... I don't understand any of this.
Is it just figurines?
No, you know what's funny?
There was no motion!
I barely get it either.
How's the band gonna like it?
It's anime, basically.
It's like a second life, right?
It's like Second Life, yeah.
Yeah, they are.
Oh, Lord.
Well, she's not as bad.
He was honest.
He was very honest.
I don't think she was quite.
There goes a guy with a plane.
Very.
A nice one, yeah.
It's so strange.
That, uh, the way that a guy like that can get a decent-looking gal.
Well, they met online first.
Money, Dave.
Money.
Well, I know it's money.
Why else do you marry a guy, really?
I've seen men.
I wouldn't marry him.
They're disgusting animals.
They really are just pigs.
Maybe she's like a Russian mail-order bride.
She could be.
I love Metaverse.
Yes, I like Metaverse.
She's rolling her eyes.
I like bald men with double chin.
It's, uh, my perfect guy.
Yes, in my country, metaverse marry you!
Yes!
Jakov Smirnoff.
How is it that you are so single, yet so bald and so chinny?
You are very fat, which means in my country, wealthy.
Yes, you probably have lowest genes.
Yes, come.
Come, come.
All right, let's get serious, guys.
Yes.
Why?
Because there is a trial going on and I don't want to make light of a very sad situation.
Yes, I do.
Juicy Smollet trial.
He leaves with Juicy.
Listen, that is the correct pronunciation that he requested at the trial.
Okay, that's Juicy Smollett.
The trial is currently underway.
We're going to go through some of the highlights from the past few days.
Thank God.
But first, a flashback to 2019 when Don Lemon said he was contacting Juicy every day to show his support for a fellow gay black man.
Do I want to be black?
Yeah.
Or do I want to be gay?
Yes.
Like if you pick one, you're just going to turn white?
It's the dating game.
Every day, I say, I know you think I'm annoying.
I can show you a text.
Correct.
I know you think I'm annoying you, but I just want to know that you're doing OK.
That you're OK.
He's trying to get some.
If you need somebody, you can talk to me.
Because there's not a lot of us out there.
Sometimes he responds, sometimes he doesn't.
He responds and says, you are not annoying.
No, there's a lot of you, you just don't admit it because you're afraid of your friends.
And then Jada Pinkett tried to set him up with Will Smith.
Good news, I have a husband who's a cupcake.
Matchmaker, matchmaker, match me a match.
Find me a find.
Just look past the ears.
I also have a husband who's a Scientologist.
You know what I mean.
Follow the science.
Listen, come on.
Well, on Monday, I don't know if you guys know this, Juicy Smollett testified that Don Lemon warned him via text that the Chicago Police Department did not believe his story.
The straight whites are coming!
The straight whites are coming!
Which kind of makes me think he knew about it.
Yeah.
What do you mean, he knew?
It's like, of course.
Maybe he got a tip sheet from a primetime anchor that kind of Well, we're on YouTube, I don't want them to say we said it definitely, so maybe he knew, even though he was texting him saying he knew.
Hey, you know those Nigerians you paid by check and rode around with in a car the day before?
It's seemingly weird.
I forgot he paid by check.
I remember when I used to buy drugs, I'd be like, for exactly an eight ball of cocaine.
Don't write that in the memo, Dave.
Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
What's your name?
Grills?
Alright.
They'll cash this, huh?
How many Z's are in that?
Can I post-date this?
Didn't Jerry Springer pay a prostitute with a check?
With a check, that's how he got caught as mayor of Cincinnati.
That's awesome.
Not only was it a personal check, it was a city check.
That is absolutely how it's meant to be.
He should be run out of town on a rail.
Instead, we gave him a talk show and listened to him for years.
I know, but I love him.
And he became a legend.
We went every day after school to my friend's house to watch the Jerry Springer Show.
It's a dumpster fire and we couldn't look away.
We're like, huh.
Well, I had a friend who booked it for a while.
It's just regular people.
Well, no, occasionally they do get giant trash bags, but usually it's actors.
Like my friend Sebastian did the Wilco show, I think, like two different times as different characters.
I mean, America might have its low point people, like white trash, but not to that level.
There was a little too much.
I used to love the boxing ring bell.
It was to get them going.
It was time to fight.
Steve!
Steve!
This is a going nowhere fight now.
Well, then the movie he made was called Ringmaster.
It just became about fighting.
Yeah, that's all the show was.
It's kind of like hockey.
For most Americans who don't watch hockey, we love the fighting.
We're like, well, that's how you settle it on the ice.
I love it, right?
Same thing with Harry Springer.
It was at the same time where all it was was hockey fights.
As a Red Wings fan, it was like, if Probert doesn't hurt someone today, I'm fighting in Detroit.
Oh, it was just blood on the ice every game.
The funniest thing, I don't know if we can ever get this on the show, but Stephen sent me a... What was it?
The Avalanche versus the Red Wings or something?
Or Blackhawks?
I think it was Detroit versus Colorado.
There was a rivalry of three nights.
Amazing!
It was just fight at literally the high... When you had Patrick Wass coming out there and then he just gets clotheslined by the other guys.
When you have the goalie getting in a fight, that was just...
There were two goalie fights, and I remember the commentators being like, oh boy, we have 45 minutes left, but it's going to take a couple of hours here.
It was hilarious.
They're pulling the goalie.
Why?
Well, he was hitting the other goalie.
There's like no one left on the ice for 15 minutes and each penalty box is packed to the gills.
There's nothing funnier though when you have a goal... I mean they're dressed like beekeepers.
Oh yeah.
And the other guy looks down and he's gonna skate 200 feet and they know they're gonna do this together.
And he's getting ready for them.
Because the goalies always fight the goalies.
Like a joust.
Yeah exactly.
Three minutes later.
And boy, that rivalry between the Avalanche and Detroit was just legendary.
It was legendary.
Because now they try to make it less physical, which has ironically made it more dangerous because the game's gotten faster.
So there are more open ice hits.
You know, it's kind of like inside fighting and boxing, you know, like a guy who's in close, it doesn't do as much damage because there's less velocity.
But now there are more open ice hits because they've tried to get rid of sort of the scrums that take place.
No, keep them.
Well, Sidney Crosby got more concussions in one season than Wayne Gretzky got in his entire career.
Oh, wow.
Really?
Because he had two, he had McSorley and Semenko.
Oh, yeah.
I always love the Red Wings or any player where they didn't wear the mask and their face was just ruined and they had three teeth.
It's like, you know that guy doesn't care, right?
You know, true story, true story.
My dad, you know this.
Horrible father with this one.
Love you.
He used to, when I was a kid, it was really hard for him to tell me I had to wear a mask, a face mask at hockey, because I would always hear him, he'd be watching hockey, and he would see a guy with a visor, he'd go, ugh, pussy.
No, it's not that, the protection is fine.
But Steven, you should wear your mask, yeah.
To challenge some guy to a fight while you're dressed like a beekeeper.
I mean, you can't be hurt, right?
Yeah, when you rip it.
So, na-na-na-na-na, you know, come on.
Yeah, it really is.
And in the old days, you had a price to pay if you fought someone.
They were gonna bend your nose and... Oh, well, part of it was, like, you had to, like, do that move so the gloves flew off, and then you were actually boxing.
Which isn't easy to do.
You have to get your gloves off fast, because if they see you trying to... These guys would have a whole rhythm to it.
Yeah.
And now they've tacked the jerseys down to the back of the pants so you can't pull that over anymore.
I know, that was always the best part.
You can't have the Gilmore'em and just like... No, it has like a garter hook on the bottom.
That seems like a dirty trick.
When you played, did you play with helmets or you didn't even play with helmets?
Oh yes, of course.
Come on, I'm not that old.
I don't know.
Were they leather?
We had leather helmets.
Leather ice helmets.
Yeah, and a Jason mask.
Well the goaltenders wore those Jason masks.
They did.
That's for sure.
I love it.
It's why just randomly he'll just go, it's Tuesday!
Every eight minutes.
Oh, somebody making toast again?
Oh man, I don't know what it is.
Love it.
Something about Jussie Smollett, I think.
Oh, we were, yes.
Jussie also.
Screw that guy.
Yeah, allegedly.
This is more fun than talking about this idiot.
I mean, this hero.
Beautiful, brave.
Victim?
Yet to be convicted.
Yes.
Yet to be convicted.
Wonderful chin strap.
Possibly innocent, good chin strap.
Role playing gone bad.
Great actor.
Great, great actor.
Jussie also.
Allegedly did a dry run of the attack the day before the alleged hate crime.
I thought that said dry rub.
Like a hate crime rehearsal dinner.
I think he did.
Yes.
Just the families together.
No other guests.
We'd like to have a limited menu.
Nothing ethnic.
What a piece of shit.
I'm sorry, what a piece of shit.
It really is unbelievable.
To hire two really dark black guys who don't know any better just to tell, you know, that's why you didn't fill them in on the gas.
Do a dry run and then tie a pay less shoelace around his neck.
Keep it on for the cops.
Then get warned by Don Lemon and now try and throw them under the bus.
Just what a, what a, what garbage.
Write a check and then come back with an intact sandwich.
Yeah, come on.
It's like, never in the history of hate crime did somebody go, fortunately I was able to save my bag of Wendy's.
This is really what Martin Luther King envisioned.
Oh yeah, he was like, please, I want the worst version.
Mess him up!
Mess him up!
Is that a tuna on rye?
Man, that's too far.
Put that down nicely.
That's that new Toscano, bitch!
Don't touch that shit!
Toscano Tuesday, man!
I have a dream that a man can fake a hate crime and have an intact Subway sandwich at the end.
Eat fresh.
The need to fake a hate crime because there are literally no hate crimes.
Why doesn't Subway use him as a spokesperson?
It would at least be hilarious.
It would.
It's better than the pedophile they have.
He'll probably be in there with Jared soon.
Yeah, I know.
Jared is holding up his pants like, look at these!
I took them off in front of a kid!
So I, uh, what happened?
After the attack, Juicy Smollett allegedly texted one of his attackers, Brother, I love you.
I stand with you.
I know 10,000 percent.
That's not even accurate.
You and your brother did nothing wrong and never would.
And then he goes on camera and says, I was attacked by these two guys.
The opposite of what he said in that text.
Yes.
I love how we have to say allegedly, but you're reading the actual text.
It really is amazing the hoops you have to jump through just to be honest.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Allegedly, he is blood type B negative.
Where'd you get that?
From his blood test.
But you know, when he caught himself pretending somebody else did it.
Yes.
Smalley's defense attorney, Tamara Walker, began crying after she asked for a, that's what you want in a lawyer, Yeah.
What?
That's what judges tend to do.
Yeah, they tend to just come over that bench.
Start swinging.
As judges tend to do yeah, they tend to just come over that bench
Start swinging. She a public why I oughta public prosecutor.
No, she's a PMS No judges like I'm gonna beat this
Shh. I don't... What?
You better watch it, young lady.
Give you a fresh one.
He's trying to come over the desk.
What?
What?
Say it again!
Lady, say it!
Joe Brown might.
Yeah, he'd be like, you like to hit women?
Alright, here I come.
He'd be like, I was a bad kid in Detroit.
Yeah, I'm gonna mess you up.
Bad mamma jamma.
Stab you in your belt buckle and shit.
I'm gonna cut your eyes out.
And then I wear them on my eyes.
Oh, wow.
I won't even be able to see through my eyes, but I will find solace in the fact that people know your eyes are also there.
I'll be led around by a dog.
What?
With your eyes.
Like Pan's Labyrinth, only they're not on my hands.
I'm sorry, I'm very drunk.
Let's shoot.
Jussie Smollett's defense is trying to paint his attackers as homophobic, citing a tweet from one of the alleged attackers about Frank Ocean.
Why are you following Frank Ocean?
You know that, uh, I don't know what that word is.
I have no idea.
Night gay, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, night, I think you're right.
Yeah, I think it was night.
Well, they were dark as night.
Yeah, dark as night.
In a blizzard.
They were painting them, so.
Yeah, I bet they did know Frank Ocean is gay.
It's sort of his thing.
Yeah, it's pretty open.
I don't think it was ever a hidden... Frank Ocean just came out, Dave.
Really?
Yeah, weird.
Never saw that coming.
When?
When he started his career 15 years ago and everybody knew he was gay?
Wow.
Breaking news.
Now, Jesse Smollett texted that?
Yeah.
The gay guy?
No, no, no.
One of the Nigerian guys tested it.
One of the Nigerian nightmares, yeah, they tested it.
They didn't realize he was gay.
Yeah.
Ola Binjo.
Ola.
Ola Binjo.
It's a good name.
Yeah, it's a good name for a white supremacist.
It's a good, great name.
Really, yeah.
Ola Binjo.
We're about to go lynch us some blacks!
Ain't that right, Ola Binjo?
Just him and white people.
Yes, that is right!
We hate them!
They are bringing down our property values!
You are correct, Pyramid Grapes.
Hey, you might want to take the ringlets off your neck.
They could get caught on a Subway sandwich.
Hey, can you get your hood on over your lip disc?
Yes!
How?
Did you cut that in?
Yes.
No.
Dalshim, just make sure...
Don't forget the bleach!
Yes, that's the way in case they catch us, we can turn white real quick.
Michael Jackson did it.
Yes, that's how it works.
He comes back with name brand cloaks.
You dumb son of a bitch, just get greater value!
I told you to buy in bulk, knight!
Yes, you lost 82 extra cents of our check written to do this.
Why does it say hate crime in the memo?
I just probably wrote that fake hate crime.
They're like, that's why we think of Jeff.
Yeah, this is all we need.
But a wrench was thrown, guys, into the defense attorney strategy when Juicy Smollett testified.
He did drugs and masturbated with one of his attackers.
If you can fake a hate crime, you can dodge a wrench.
I feel like a guy judging Frank Ocean masturbating with someone.
Boy, that is the pot calling the kettle black.
Totally normal, Dave.
Totally normal.
Totally fine.
He's gay, you know.
I have heard.
Is that because you're inside of him?
Ouch!
How are you making that call?
It's a fall move!
It looks like it was the other brother, maybe?
Because this one says Abimbola Osundaro.
Oh, my bad.
Oh yeah, Abimbola.
That was a racist pronunciation if I've ever heard one.
Yeah, by the way, please fact check that, people.
Abimbola.
Call us on it.
We got the brothers wrong.
All references available at livewithcoder.com.
They both just sound like diseases you can only die from in their native land.
Right, yeah.
I'm Bambola.
Please leave.
Yes.
Do you want me to take my shoes off?
I want you to leave.
Just leave, please.
We here at LWC, that's Louder with Crowder with Dave.
That's right.
Have actually obtained exclusive audio of Juicy and his attacker planning their night in the bathhouse.
Oh no.
Oh boy.
So, you and that other man are just going to need to assault me, you know what I'm saying?
Yes.
I'll give you $3,500 and we'll say it's a hate crime from two white guys.
But we are Nigerian.
It's called acting.
I can teach you.
But you're not a good actor.
Well now I'm getting all soft.
It hurt my feelings.
I am harder now!
Your singing sucks!
Stop!
Stop insulting me!
You want my money or not!
Yes!
Oh!
Yes! Yes! Yes, I'm done.
I'm gonna go to Subway and get a 12 inch meatball.
Stick it up my ass and shit.
Yeah, I did not review that sketch before.
Thanks for sneaking that one in, dude.
To be honest, I was actually watching your face that whole time.
What's amazing is I'd like to thank the panel there for these sound effects made.
Yeah, well, my mom's watching.
My mom's watching from heaven.
Shaking her head.
That's what's funny.
People are like, I think your parents are looking down on you.
I'm like, I hope not.
I hope not.
I really, at least I hope God's like, not right now.
Give him some time.
He's doing another dick joke.
There's like three minutes of today where he won't be.
Are you the penis master?
Are you?
That's a true story.
And you will hear that story February 12th where, again, I want to thank Stephen for coming out and doing the Majestic Theatre with me.
It's going to be a very exciting night and I was really happy that you wanted to do that.
Yeah, well you might be taping your special too.
Indeed.
Yeah, well let's hope.
Stephen is not coming out.
No, I didn't mean like that.
You said, Steven is making an appearance.
I think we can use language to mean what it means.
No, no, no.
Yeah, exactly.
Get your mind out of the gutter, Gerald.
You're better than that.
Yeah, come on.
Come on, dude.
You're better than that, Gerald.
Why are you gay?
What are you going to write on that check to me?
Yeah.
Things you don't want to know.
You know what?
Buy a couple of tuna on three cheese bread, we'll call it even.
There's no such thing as three cheese bread.
Is there not?
It's Italian urban cheese.
I'll make you three cheese bread right now.
Go get me three cheeses and bread.
No.
Easy.
No, Dave, I will not.
I call it a Davey grill cheese.
Don't make me come over there, Dave.
I can do cheddar, monster, Swiss.
I don't care.
There's three right there.
Whoa, those are not usually a blend.
No, they don't cook well, but I'll do it.
And there's no cheese named Monster.
Did I say Monster?
You did.
I thought you said Munster.
Oh, he said Munster.
It's Irish.
It's Munster.
Either way, I like the show, The Munsters.
Hey, everyone, because I know Dave will forget unless it's written in front of him, smash that like button.
Smash that like button.
And comment below, show Dave your love for stepping in because I'm a busy man and I said, I know if I host today, I'm going to get everything wrong.
So I said, Dave, you jump on this one.
You get everything.
Wronger than this?
Well, you know what I can say?
Thank you all.
It's Chat Thursday!
So join us at Mug Club.
And why not sign up for Mug Club?
Yeah, come on.
It's Christmas.
We're gonna do an hour.
Yeah, get somebody a membership.
Yep.
Was that between my thighs?
A celebration.
Did I break wind?
Was that me?
Oh, dear.
A royal one.
All right.
All right.
You're welcome.
All this and more.
On Mug Club, he's gonna fart taps.
That's right.
It's gonna be interesting.
Yep.
Yep.
I usually can only get in three, but, you know, we'll see.
I can fart the alphabet.
It's very weird, and my doctor says I'll die soon.
Anyway, please comment and check us out.
We will be back Monday, right here.
Right.
Right here.
Oh, yeah.
Piss off.
YouTube.
YouTube?
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