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Good Morning, America
00:11:24
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| Good morning, America. | |
| As the great noticing dawns upon us, we want to know: can you really bake 6 million pizzas in five years? | |
| I doubt it. | |
| Erica, take it away. | |
| Chloe and Michael, good morning. | |
| To put that into perspective, that's over 3,000 pizzas a day every single day. | |
| The question isn't just can they do it, but how? | |
| We can't do it. | |
| It's impossible. | |
| How dare you even ask me to make 6 million pizzas? | |
| We don't even have a chimney. | |
| Well, they really got their work cut out for them. | |
| If I were them, I would just lie and say they did it. | |
| Right. | |
| Let's go live to the manager. | |
| Possible. | |
| There's only 505,000 pizzas in this whole country. | |
| You expect us to bake 6 million? | |
| No way. | |
| We're live in the kitchen watching this crew frantically load pizzas into the ovens. | |
| This isn't possible. | |
| They won't hit 6 million. | |
| And even if they could, the Russian spot down the street did 62 million from 1917 to 1987. | |
| We hear you're writing a diary about the pizzas. | |
| How's that going? | |
| This isn't what it looks like. | |
| Ooh, he might have been trying to forge that. | |
| Right? | |
| I say just make it mandatory in every school and people will think it was real. | |
| I heard they have enough red sauce to make like 271,000. | |
| Not I. My question is, how are they supposed to retrieve the pizzas from the ovens? | |
| That makes sense. | |
| There's no ventilation. | |
| How do they get their pizza? | |
| How do they get their pizzas out? | |
| Just a weird pizza cost. | |
| The only problem with this restaurant is they don't have a chimney, so it makes going into the kitchen and retrieving the pizzas a difficult task. | |
| In other news, if you haven't followed Jake GTV yet, you might be a total loser. | |
| Certainly not based. | |
| Most likely, retarded. | |
| Welcome back to Jake GTV News. | |
| Tonight we go live with the people controlling our media and banks. | |
| Just kidding. | |
| That's anti-Semitic. | |
| Back to you, Steinberg. | |
| People say we control the world. | |
| What they don't realize is we actually do. | |
| Well, there you have it. | |
| Noticing is antiseptic, folks. | |
| Back to you, John. | |
| Crazy conspiracy theorist. | |
| They'll believe anything these days, right? | |
| If only JFK kissed the wall, he'd still be here. | |
| Don't get us canceled now. | |
| Let's see what's going on in Hollywood. | |
| So what's the goal behind this film? | |
| To push Satan, normalize gender confusion, and celebrate sin. | |
| The younger they learn, the better. | |
| Stunning and brave. | |
| Back to you, Erica. | |
| Truly inspiring stuff, Shapiro Steen. | |
| My executive producers just told me to share the real reason for society's downfall. | |
| Take a look at this. | |
| This is the real problem. | |
| Too much joy, too much tradition. | |
| We'll fix that, have one pride flag and fractured home at a time. | |
| Well, you folks sure know how to dance, almost like you knew the towers would fall. | |
| Oops, I'm probably fired for that one. | |
| Tell them the rest, Vanessa. | |
| Remember when Silverstein bought terror coverage six weeks before the towers fell, then got the largest payout in history? | |
| We're definitely getting fired. | |
| But hey, now you know. | |
| Breaking news, it turns out that the people carpet bombing the innocent are actually the good guys. | |
| Just kidding, that would be retarded. | |
| Let's go live to Steinberg. | |
| So you're saying they have weapons of mass destruction again? | |
| Exactly. | |
| It's the same excuse we've used since the towers fell. | |
| Not much has changed. | |
| Here's what we're going to do. | |
| We're going to get PTSD from hurting the innocent. | |
| Then we die for the chosen people. | |
| Let's go. | |
| We shouldn't be here. | |
| This non-chosen sand person lost his home and family just hours ago. | |
| But Israeli military officials say this is God's plan and questioning it is antiseptic. | |
| Please stop! | |
| I hear they're building a new restaurant in Tel Aviv. | |
| The chef prepares an amazing foreskin salad. | |
| This is where I will cook my foreskins. | |
| Imported directly from the Adrenochrome factory. | |
| I've never tried the foreskin salad. | |
| Sounds satanic. | |
| Right. | |
| Probably part of their Talmudic beliefs. | |
| Right. | |
| Shapiro Stein. | |
| I missed 2001 back when we all blamed the same people. | |
| Today, everybody notices. | |
| This is why we do false flags. | |
| We go live to the dancing Israelis. | |
| These people really know how to dance, but the real dancers are on the roof. | |
| We're following these guys up to the top floor. | |
| No clue what's going on, but they're moving fast. | |
| Yo, check this out. | |
| We are God's chosen people. | |
| Breaking news out of Times Square. | |
| Officials say they found a Muslim passport in the debris. | |
| It was the Jews. | |
| Sir, are you okay? | |
| I'm sending my son off to Iran tonight. | |
| You saw it from your apartment? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Right over there. | |
| They were just dancing. | |
| It didn't look right. | |
| Wow. | |
| We better go fund that. | |
| Right? | |
| It feels good to personally fund the most grotesque acts of violence. | |
| Back to you, Dennis. | |
| Anyways, follow my boy, Jake GTV, if you're not retarded. | |
| Breaking news, George Zoros is funding the new Ice Fest. | |
| Okay, that's exciting. | |
| We go live to the propaganda. | |
| Sir, what exactly are you protesting here today? | |
| I don't even know why we're yelling, but I think chaos is good. | |
| What's wrong? | |
| I watched the news. | |
| It said people are being taken from their homes. | |
| Do you know anyone personally affected? | |
| No, but my friend's, uncle's, distant cousin's friend. | |
| We're here to get impressionable youth to come cause chaos. | |
| Why are you out here today? | |
| They're taking people from their homes. | |
| Where'd you see that? | |
| The news. | |
| Go watch the news. | |
| We are the resistance. | |
| The news said so. | |
| Grab a rock. | |
| Good thing there's pallets of bricks and a conveniently placed pile just dropped off for protesters. | |
| Here's the thing about people being illegal. | |
| Illegal should be legal. | |
| We don't need laws. | |
| What's good, Foo? | |
| You want to catch a fade? | |
| I'll mess you up right now. | |
| How fun. | |
| Reminds me of the Floyd Fest. | |
| Perfect distraction while the so-called Semites cause unrest in the Middle East. | |
| Right. | |
| More propaganda. | |
| Good one, John. | |
| Shut it down or I'll shut it down. | |
| In other news, we were promised this land thousands of years ago. | |
| Bergstein, take it away. | |
| Thanks, Deinowitz. | |
| Remember, people, they are the bad guys. | |
| Trust me. | |
| These people are an absolute cancer. | |
| Truly going to be the end of the human species. | |
| That's anti-Semitic. | |
| Brittany, you better watch your tone. | |
| Oh, yeah, I almost forgot they fund the news. | |
| Exactly. | |
| Back to you, Dennis. | |
| You guys make a good point, bit out. | |
| My producers tell me to distract people with chaos so they don't notice who's actually starting World War III. | |
| Why are you out here today? | |
| Because if you come here illegally, you deserve to be here. | |
| Like, illegal activities shouldn't even be illegal, dog. | |
| Well, this is a perfect way for the government to unleash martial law. | |
| Get ready for FEMA camps, folks. | |
| Dennis, take it away. | |
| In other news, if you haven't followed Jake GTV yet, you might be a total loser. | |
| Certainly not based. | |
| Most likely, retarded. | |
| It's June. | |
| Pride Month. | |
| It's also Men's Mental Health Month. | |
| But no better time than now to let your junk hang out at the parade. | |
| Jackie joins us live at the Pride Fest. | |
| We're here live at Identity Fest, where sausage parties meet Scissor Central. | |
| Today I'm a Pan-Dimensional Soul Fox identifying as a pansexual. | |
| Stunning and brave. | |
| Back to you, Erica. | |
| What a powerful way to honor men's mental health month by not mentioning men at all. | |
| That's right, Erica. | |
| In other news, parents who don't give their kids puberty blockers are going to jail. | |
| We go live to Tammy reporting from the front lines of mental illness. | |
| We're here with a parent who listened to the Jewish community. | |
| What inspired this journey? | |
| He said he wants to be a girl. | |
| That's so courageous. | |
| Wow. | |
| That's not gross at all. | |
| No, it's really not. | |
| And now for the weather. | |
| Artificial clouds forming over the Pacific, heavy aluminum particulates incoming with scattered bursts of direct energy interference. | |
| Could be another Lahaina. | |
| Stay alert. | |
| Wow, climate change is wild today. | |
| Good thing Newscomb emptied the water reservoirs. | |
| Wouldn't want people putting these fires out. | |
| Come back to Jake GTV News. | |
| average american can't figure out why they feel like absolute trash we go live to a triple boosted science truster who says It's just genetic? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Literally, I never eat red meat. | |
| I switched to seed oils only because, duh, health. | |
| And here I am. | |
| We're here with a man who's just glowing from head to toe. | |
| Sir, what's your secret to your health? | |
| Statins and blood pressure meds. | |
| Hold up. | |
| I'm about to have a heart attack. | |
| What's your secret? | |
| Just avoid the sun. | |
| I have skin cancer. | |
| That's why I do this. | |
| Good thing they listen to their doctors. | |
| Not much more they can actually do. | |
| True. | |
| Let's thank Big Pharma for being the main source of funding of all of our propaganda. | |
| Sponsored by Pfizer, the largest criminal organization to ever do it. | |
| We promised to take the red dye out of the Skittles. | |
| Oh, thank God. | |
| Red dye was the real emergency. | |
| Let's not talk about the other colors, the fluoride, the chemtrails, and the deadly mRNA altering our DNA. | |
| Back to you, Jenny. | |
| Thanks, John. | |
| We're here at the local 7-Eleven and want you focusing on what's in the candy. | |
| And this way, you won't notice the rising autism and heart disease in children. | |
| Well, autism in child heart disease isn't that big of a deal. | |
| It's not like the jab causes turbo cancer or anything. | |
| Jessica goes live to find out how to prevent it. | |
| How are we going to prevent cancer? | |
| Do you know how much commission I make off chemo treatment? | |
| Next question. | |
| What's the best way to stay healthy in today's world? | |
| The key to getting healthy is lowering your cholesterol. | |
| Trust me, I'm a doctor. | |
| Look, just trust your fat doctor. | |
| He once watched a one-hour lecture on nutrition. | |
| Hate Kanye. | |
| Love communism. | |
| Get vaccinated. | |
| Doubt is dangerous. | |
| Obedience is strength. | |
| Erica, back to you. | |
| We're here at the Children's Hospital Torbla, and we still don't know what causes cancer or autism. | |
| Thanks, Jackie. | |
| If only we knew what was causing everyone to get so sick. | |
| In Other NewsWet, trans women are women, and I just got vaccinated. | |
| Hey, nothing to see here. | |
| Anyway, make sure to get your flu shot and stop being anti-Semitic. | |
| Doctors are smarter than you. | |
| Breaking news, asking questions might be an early symptom of anti-Semitism and being extremely basic. | |
| How fun. | |
| Right? | |
| Dennis, take it away. | |
| Last time I noticed, I almost got JFK'd, if you know what I'm talking about. | |
| Those people are making society fake and gay. | |
| We go live with a homosexual at the bop house. | |
| How does it feel to listen to the Jewish community? | |
| I'll never have a real relationship. | |
| Self-love, baby. | |
| Love it. | |
| We go live to the founders of OnlyFans. | |
| Just because we founded OnlyFans, Tinder, and all the major corn sites, Hollywood, Epstein, whatever, were good people. | |
| Everything they said about us. | |
| Yeah, it's true. | |
| Yeah, it's true. | |
| Tunnels, 9-11, surveillance. | |
| According to the Talmud, Jesus is burning in feces. | |
| Wow. | |
| That's not satanic at all. | |
| Later tonight, we reveal the entire Epstein list. | |
| Bert, take it away. | |
| Imagine siding with Jesus' murderers and calling yourself Judeo-Christian, right? | |
| Not me. | |
| It's almost like their father is the devil or something. | |
| My grandparents were in the Pizza Cost. | |
| Shut it down. | |
| We're live. | |
| Nobody said you weren't good people individually, but you know you guys don't belong in a healthy society. | |
| Just ask the rabbis. | |
| One of my favorite verses, a Jew can violate but not marry a non-Jew. | |
| That's Gadshas 2.2. | |
| That's a fun one. | |
| Tospoth Yebimoth, 98A. | |
| If you eat with a Gentile, it is as if you have eaten with a dog. | |
| Here's a good one. | |
| Babakama 113A. | |
| Jews may use lies to circumvent a Gentile. | |
| We may have done the whole Epstein thing, but I don't want to teach that because it would be antiseptic, you know? | |
| I'd rather teach them about the pizza cost and victimhood. | |
| Our producers just informed me that we can't release the Epstein files in fear of a rise in anti-Semitism. | |
| They're always the good guys and such victims, right, Randy? | |
| Correct, Ching Chong, but my name is Randestein. | |
| Well, that makes sense why they're always changing their last names. | |
| Wouldn't want us to know who funds the wars and open borders. | |
| Funny, we still call them our ally. | |
| Good point, Todd. | |
| Normally, ally means friend, but in this case, it means the synagogue of Satan. | |
| Thanks, Jackie. | |
| And it turns out, if you haven't followed Jake GTV yet, you're probably a total loser. | |
| Certainly not based. | |