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Nov. 5, 2020 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:00:47
20201105_TJDS_20201105_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hey, Barack Obama phone banked me yesterday.
Here's how it went.
Hello.
Hey, Joel.
What's going on, man?
Wow, it's President Obama.
And is that Monica standing behind you?
I think you got the wrong number.
More than 100 million Americans have already cast a ballot in this election.
And you and Monica are two of them.
That's why I'm FaceTiming you, Joel.
But the camera light's not on.
I know.
Anyway, this is President Barack Obama.
Are you still waiting in line to vote?
We already voted.
That sounds great.
You and Monica made a plan.
And today was the day you decided to vote.
How's the weather out there, Joel?
Oh, it's really hot and smoky because California is burning.
Hey, and we already voted.
I'm glad to see you're out there voting.
As you know, there's a lot at stake at this election.
This is the most important election in your lifetime, Joel and Monica.
Do you have a voting plan?
I said we already voted.
Why won't you listen?
That sounds great.
You're representing a generation whose voice we need to hear.
Returning to normalcy, protecting health care during a pandemic.
All that is going to make so much of a difference.
Yes, we all need health care, Barack.
I have a pre-existing condition.
How about Medicare for all?
That's right.
If I'm not mistaken, Joel, your pre-existing condition is MS, right?
Wow.
No, and I'm not Joel.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
I did my research.
I'm so grateful you made a plan and you're voting today.
One last question, Joel.
Do you have a plan to vote today?
We already voted.
That's great.
Good luck on your studies and thanks for doing what you're doing.
Your campaign gave you the wrong number, Barack.
Hey, Andre, this is Barack Obama.
What's going on, man?
This isn't Andre.
As you know, Andre, there's a lot at stake to this election.
Do you have a voting plan?
I voted.
That sounds great.
You and Monica made a plan.
And today was the day you decided to vote.
Hey, Andre.
Did you and Monica see me in Flint yesterday?
I was on fire.
Yeah, the country's poorest city.
Poorest city.
Those folks are rich in hope, just like Andrea and Monica.
How?
Because I got their back.
Yet they're still drinking poison water.
I said I got their back, not their front.
Next time, read the fine print, you slack of dumb shit.
You could have done something for them, but you didn't, Barack.
You could have done something for those people in Flint, but you didn't.
That sounds like Monica talking, Andre.
That doesn't like you.
You didn't declare Flint the disaster area.
You can't look to the government, nor a president, nor your representatives to solve every little problem in your life.
Monica, don't be a petulant child.
Hey, did you see me make that silky three-pointer yesterday?
I totally drained that hoop.
It was freaking awesome, man.
You left the White House without doing a goddamn thing for Flint, Barack.
That's what I do.
That's what I do.
And then Joe yelled, all that.
All that.
Life is in the game, Monica.
Stop being childish.
You slack of dumb shit.
Let me hang up.
I got to call some guy named Andre.
Establishment media sets of artists fighting.
So good luck.
Bullshit we can't afford Fomenting this Watch and see as it jacks off The median speeds and jumps the medium And hits them head on It's the Chimitor Show Music Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Hey, one thing is for certain right now.
This week we found out for sure which direction America will go in order to change nothing.
I have never felt good about any president I ever voted for, nor do I remember any one of them doing anything substantial to improve my life.
Hey, pre-order the new iPhone 12.
Odds are high that the people seriously using the phrase nail biter to describe Tuesday night still have health coverage for that through their employer.
Hey, big shout out to the Democratic Party and Chuck Schumer for derailing black progressive state representative Charles Booker in favor of Amy McGrath, who has never won an election.
Build back better, be best.
Hey, one more important news.
McDonald's is bringing back the McRib.
You know, if I had a nickel for every time McDonald's brought back the McRib, I'd have chronic diverterculitis.
I'd have chronic diverticulitis.
Hey, relax, everybody, and take a break from the election.
We now return you to your previously scheduled eight illegal wars for oil and soothing video of a squirrel playing with a cat.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
This show was recorded on Wednesday, the day after the election.
And how did it all happen?
We're going to answer that question and more.
Shocking Fox News poll shows what Americans really want.
No kidding.
Plus, liberals' worship of Obama is considered adult.
Joe Biden told lots of people not to vote for him.
Apparently, a lot of them listen.
Plus, we have phone calls today from El Pacino, Jeb Bush, Barack Obama, and Joe Biden plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Jimmy Dore Show Hey, so here we are again.
The results of yesterday's presidential election are coming in, and it's a dead heat between a right-wing racist psychopathic liar and another right-wing racist psychopathic liar.
Right now on the swing states, Joe Biden is just a hair sniff away from losing.
Why is he so close?
Why is it so close?
How could it be so close?
Well, in the middle of a pandemic and an economic crisis, Democrats are sweating that they can't beat the incumbent reality TV game show host.
Just to show the Democratic Party learns nothing, they essentially repeated the exact same campaign from 2016, except with a worse candidate.
Joe Biden, a demented walking death rattle.
This Delaware Dixiecrat who should have been retired last century, rehabilitated by Barack Obama and thrust upon the American people, just like the rehabilitated Hillary Clinton.
In a primary, using his weight to get the field to drop out and coalesce around the candidate who could barely make it through a debate without his eyes popping or his teeth falling out.
The Democratic Party hates progressives more than Trump.
They fought Bernie Sanders and progressives more than they ever fought Republicans.
After a season of people protesting police brutality, Democrats put at the top of their ticket the author of the 94 crime bill and a self-described top cop.
The entire hierarchy of the Democratic Party needs to be wiped out.
Not because they are a danger to the Democratic Party, but because they are a danger to the nation.
Incompetence, cruelty, stupidity, playing politics with people's lives during a pandemic, not fighting to give them health care, not giving them urgently needed economic stimulus, all done to game an election for their side.
The leaders, the consultants, the vendors, they shouldn't be allowed to show their faces in public again.
They should be tarred and feathered.
Don't cry for them.
They are running off with all your money right now, win or lose.
They still get paid.
Watch them tonight on MSNBC and CNN.
And after years of saying we are on the brink of fascism, the Democratic Party establishment chose Joe Biden, a demented, babbling kiddie toucher who promised to veto Medicare for all during a pandemic, who still thinks marijuana is a gateway drug and who voted for the Iraq war, who offered nothing to voters.
Why is Biden struggling in Michigan?
I'm sure the endorsement of the governor who poisoned their children really swung voters.
Obama, who is so lacking in decency and shame, went to Flint, Michigan and told them to vote for his legacy.
After, when Flint needed his help the most, he had gaslighted them and ran cover for the murderous corruption.
But Barack Obama took a break from skydiving with billionaires to kneecap Bernie Sanders getting the nomination.
So you know he cares.
The Democratic Party is so lame that they put Kamala Harris on their ticket as VP in hopes she would swing that important demographic of California wine moms.
The media failed again.
They didn't correct any of their ways since the last election.
Polling should be abolished.
Campaigns should be about ideas.
Corporate media abetted the Democratic Party in not having to face introspection for their losses.
All of you who rushigated, all of you who rushigated, the entire nation was laughing at you.
Democrats thought this was a clever distraction from their own failures and corruption.
You thought you could turn red baiting into a campaign advantage.
You made fools of yourselves.
Joe Biden should have never been the nominee.
Nobody who voted for the Iraq war should become the president of the United States.
The Democratic Party, nauseating privilege and moral piety.
The party of the managerial class that was proud to snub their base, proud to serve Wall Street interests, proud to snub working class voters.
The Democrats are discredited as a party.
They are discredited as a party of opposition.
They are discredited as a party with purpose.
The people need a new party.
A party that will fight for health care for all.
A party that will be against war.
A party that will be for a planet that is habitable.
A party that does not serve the oligarchs and a party that's not bought.
Whatever the results, we need to build power.
We must fight for the world we want.
Peoplesparty.org.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's talk about the big show.
So Biden and Trump are locked in a tight race as uncounted votes remain.
That Joe Biden, that's the guy most likely to beat Trump.
Remember that?
Remember that was the big thing?
By the way, it's a huge turnout.
Highest voter turnout since 1900, which usually favors the Democrats.
The higher the turnout usually favors the Democrats.
Yet somehow.
Wow.
Look at how high it is.
So when you get the highest voter turnout, that's supposed to favor the Democrats, unless the Democrats somehow manage to get even shittier.
I'm surprised.
I thought after this election, I bet next time the Democrats just run an actual corpse.
Just to see.
Vote for the corpse.
Don't you see how bad the Republican is?
There's a corpse, but he's not going to hurt you.
He's a corpse.
He's got dignity and character.
Get this.
Matt Brunning tweeted this out.
He says, according to the exit poll, Trump did better in 2020 with every race and gender except white men.
What?
So the change from 2016, he got less votes from white men, Donald Trump.
He got more votes from white women.
He got more votes for black men.
He got more votes from black women.
He got more votes from Latino men.
He got more votes from Latino women and more votes from all the others.
Holy crap.
So that's what happens when you do four years of Russia gate.
So if you do four years of a phony opposition to Donald Trump, you actually lose voters.
Isn't that amazing?
Wow.
Here's a, Michael Cohen says, I know a lot of Democrats are going to blame the National Party for what's happened tonight, but it's not as, but it's not as if Americans don't know who Trump is.
Maybe the problem isn't Democrats.
It's the voters.
These goddamn voters, they keep letting the Democratic Party down.
The voters just aren't good enough for the Democratic Party.
That's the problem.
The voters just aren't good enough.
The voters just aren't worthy of a political party that is offering them nothing.
Voting Democrat is a privilege.
You're not even worth their platitudes.
There it is.
There it is.
And who, who Joe didn't let us down.
We let Joe down.
The Democrats are bound to get better if you shield them from any responsibility whatsoever.
That's how life works.
So it's definitely don't do an autopsy.
Don't look inward, Democrats.
Look outward.
It's always someone else's fault.
In 2016, it was Susan's very powerful people like Jill Stein and Susan Shrandon and the Russians.
And now it's just the Democrats themselves, the voters.
It's not the Democratic Party.
That's not for believe me.
And who would write?
Why do I even feature a guy like this?
Because this is who he is.
This is a guy.
He's a columnist for the Boston Globe.
Of course.
He's also an author.
He also has a newsletter.
Who wouldn't want to sign up for this guy's newsletter with that kind of insight?
He wrote this book called Clear and Present Safety.
The world has never been better and why that matters to Americans.
Hey, everything's fine.
The Democrats have got you.
The view's fine from brunch over here.
The world has never been better and why that matters to America.
The world has never been better, according to Michael Cohen, the guy who says that it's the voters who are at fault.
The world has never been better and why that matters to Americans.
Wow.
This guy's like if a trust fund had opinions.
I'm just going to say, I'm going to make a bold statement here.
Nobody making less than a quarter million dollars a year would find this guy interesting.
A candidate doesn't support anything and the voters won't vote for him.
It's their fault.
I think what this guy's, I think what he's actually saying, what he's actually saying, Michael Cohen, the guy who writes for the Boston Globe and the author of that shitty book.
I think what this guy is saying is that we should just expect our elected officials to do the opposite of what we want.
It's like, don't these Democrats know their elected officials are going to do the opposite of what they want?
What's their problem?
That's how his brain works.
That got 2,000 likes.
So 2,000 people who follow him think exactly the same.
Wow.
Okay.
Hey, by the way, and there it is.
The Democrats don't need to change.
The voters do.
And let's remember, Joe Biden could have offered 72% of the country, according to Fox News, is in favor of Medicare for all, government-run healthcare.
72%, over seven out of 10 people.
Maybe if he would have offered that, he didn't even have to do it.
He just had to offer it.
That's how corrupt they are.
That's how under the thumb they are of their donor class.
Joe Biden couldn't even pretend to be for health care for you.
They wouldn't even allow that.
He could have won handily.
Trump could have also, by the way.
Trump could have also.
Hey, 87% of Democrats support Medicare for all, though Joe Biden doesn't.
Literally, they're going to run a corpse next time.
If Joe Biden dies while in office, they will run him again.
And they're going to learn all the wrong lessons from this.
If they win, it looks like they're going to win this.
They're going to do nothing all year and blame it on the Mitch McConnell's Republicans in the Senate.
Hey, Biden's opposition to marijuana legalization is at odds with most Americans' views.
I wonder why it was such a close race.
Biden says he's supporting additional funding for the police.
After a whole summer, after a whole summer of protests and riots against police brutality, the Democrats chose, chose.
The Democrats coalesced behind Barack Obama's leadership and chose Joe Biden, the author of the 94 crime bill, to be their nominee, the one who exploded the prison population with black and brown people and says he's going to get additional funding to the police.
And you wonder why he lost black people's votes.
Oh, he also wrote the crime bill, which gave us mass incarceration, more prisons, longer sentencing, escalated the war on drugs, and targeted African Americans.
The loss of many black and Latino voters to Donald Trump would be pretty stunning repudiation of everything the Democratic Party establishment has claimed that it stands for since 2015.
Yes, it is.
It is a pretty stunning repudiation of everything the Democratic Party establishment has claimed that it stands for.
After the summer, there it is.
I just told what I just told you.
I didn't know I should have known this was coming up.
Hey, Biden campaign doesn't consider Latinos part of their path to victory, political operatives say.
This is a real.
Now you know why?
I mean, the fact that this guy's still going to win after this.
Oh, my God.
If he was running against Bozo the clown, it would be this close.
That's how bad Joe Biden is.
So here's a narrative.
Black people in the Midwest and South showed out while Latinos in the South and Mid-Atlantic voted for asshole.
And the white working class once again went with their racist God king.
Wonder who the Dem should listen to.
Wow.
I don't know who this person is, Ellie Mistel.
Could you look her up on Twitter and see what her bio says who she is?
At L-E-N-Y-C, at L-E-1-L, E-L-I-E-N-Y-C.
Let's see what her.
So she's there saying that black people did their job, but the Hispanics and the white working class, they're the assholes.
It might be Eli, justice correspondent at the nation.
Oh, okay.
Justice correspondent at the nation.
This is amazing.
So you see what this person's doing?
Well, Dave Anthony says the solution is to pit races against each other, I guess.
Solid take.
That's what it sounds like what Eli's doing there, pitting the races against each other.
Eli works at the nation.
I'm going to guess he's also a Russia Gator, so he's also probably a xenophobe against Russia.
I'm just guessing.
Yeah, that's a great, great take, Eli.
Let's pit the races against each other.
That's a great take.
Let's not make the Democrats actually appeal to those people.
Let's make those races of people into bad people.
You kid moron.
I asked Biden about Obama-era deportations.
He told me to vote for Trump.
Biden says if you're black and you don't vote for him, you're not black.
He's right.
Jesus.
Biden says Americans who believe Tara Reid's assault allegations probably shouldn't vote for me.
He's telling a lot of people not to vote for him.
Biden Americans who think they're better off today probably shouldn't vote for me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Joe Biden's strategy of appealing to Republicans is courting disaster.
So they did it again.
They didn't go after the disaffected working class people.
They didn't go after progressives.
They didn't go after environmentalists.
They went after Republicans who didn't like Trump again.
Turns out there were no Biden Republicans.
The whole drift to the right strategy was 100% failure.
GOP voters went more strongly for Trump in 2020 than they did in 2016.
So the Democrats would have done better had they not even campaigned, which Joe Biden didn't.
And when he did campaign, he told people to vote for Trump.
And Trump did better with Republicans.
There's no Republicans peeling off from Trump.
Your Lincoln project.
So this was 100% predicted that they would not get any Trump.
They would not get any Republican voters to vote for Joe Biden.
This was 100% predicted, and yet they did it again anyway.
But keep in mind that the Democrats would much rather lose while trying to get Republican votes than win while trying to get progressive votes.
Democrats are not an opposition party, you guys.
You know, maybe when an organization cheats a guy filling up stadiums twice and ran a candidate with so many skeletons in his closet, he can decorate the whole neighborhood for Halloween.
Their first priority is in winning.
I heard on ABC...
I heard an ABC analyst say that the problem is Democrats have moved too far left, and I swear to God, we're going to have two fascist parties when this is over.
Wow.
72% of the Americans want government-run health care.
Florida voted for a $15 minimum wage.
South Dakota, Arizona, and New Jersey just voted to legalize pot.
Colorado voted for 12 weeks of paid family and medical leave.
Wow.
It turns out a progressive agenda is what the American people want, but yeah, blame socialism is pathetic.
And finally, from Bertold Brecht: some party hack decreed that the people had lost the government's confidence and could only regain it with redoubled effort.
If that is the case, would it not be simpler if the government simply dissolved the people and elected another?
Ha.
Okay.
Wow, is it going to get shitty?
It's going to get way worse.
People are going to be going to start being kicked out of their houses.
And Joe Biden ain't going to do a fucking thing to help them.
There's no more space underneath bridges in Los Angeles.
It's all taken.
They now have city crews that go by and service homeless camps under bridges.
What do you mean?
Well, they give them porta potties.
They empty them.
They clean them.
They get all the garbage out.
They clean.
They hose down the street and the sidewalk.
They take all the trash away.
The government is doing this for homeless people, which is better than not doing anything.
Why don't we just give them fucking homes already?
We just gave $5 trillion away.
You don't think we have a couple of billion dollars for the homeless in America?
We do.
Hey, while I was out coughing all over poll watchers, a bunch of people left Election Day messages on my antique message machine.
Hello, Jimmy.
This is David Axe, who rider the Axe Files.
Hacks on Tap and my newest rod cast Axe Axe.
As you know, Axe on Tap offers a lighter take on current events while the Ax Files gets down dirty serious with the passions of political intrigue.
Axe Axe takes human emotions to the next level.
That's where I, David Axe, arrived.
Answer your questions no matter what the subject.
There are no limits, rules, boundaries, or taboos on Axe Axe.
So give me a ring.
I'll even read your aura and send those negative feelings about your domineering mother down the grounding pole.
I'd love to hear from you.
Normal phone rates may apply.
Adults only.
Hi!
This is Herman Kane with a message urging you, imploring you, to go out and vote today.
And then can somebody finally tell me what in the heck happened to me?
I still do not understand why we're wrong.
One day I was sitting in a stadium surrounded by a bunch of people yelling and carrying on.
The next I know I'm dead.
I mean, what gives?
Herman Kane is perplexed.
Thanks for taking my call.
Let's do lunch.
You son of a bitch bastard.
I thought you'd.
You thought you'd heard the last of me, hadn't you?
Well, I'll never stop writing you, son.
Never.
And you can count on that, you little fairy.
Ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Bye.
Thank you.
Hey, man, get out.
Get up and vote out.
You know the thing?
With our help, we can seal the whole of this nation.
I mean, we can heal them all.
We can feel the crow of this station.
Secondly, if you're a Latino, you might as well vote for Trump.
Here's the thing.
I'm fighting for you, man.
Help me help you and me.
And you are he and we are all together.
Goo, goo, kachu.
Whoa, whatever.
This is Bernard Sanders, and I fucking had it with every single one of you.
I got nothing left but this: the symbiontes liberation army death chat.
Death to the fascist insect that feeds off the life of the people.
Everybody.
Death to the fascist insect that feeds off the life of the people.
Throw it out your windows now.
Death to the fascist insect that feeds off the life of the people.
Jane, tell Levi to get in here now and stop posting videos of fucking porcupines eating carrots.
Death to the fascist insect that feeds off the life of the people.
All right, Sport.
I want you to relax, Jum.
We owe great times to good friends to take the edge off this election day and have yourself a nice cool glass of Casamigo Stequila.
It's got a golden honey hue and caramel aroma and just a hint of sweet agave that'll make you shit your fucking trousers.
I mean, in a good way, and at 60 bucks a bottle, it won't take a big chunk out of your wallet.
Capiche?
Cash Amigos.
Think about it.
$60 a bottle?
It's pretty expensive.
You know who this is?
Yes, no question.
What in the world are you guys doing over there?
Are you crazy?
Seriously, if you need guys that need some help counting ballets, we can help you.
I don't mean this is getting embarrassing.
Hillary Clinton is an elector in New York Electoral College.
You kids are not even drainbided any longer, are you?
Rad Somurio Boga Shit there, fella.
Jimmy, this is Liam Mason.
I want you to listen very closely.
Your vote is going to be taken.
Seriously, nobody is going to care about it, and nobody is going to look for it, let alone hunt it down.
Do you understand me?
And don't forget to see my new film, The Honest Commuter.
I play a commuter, forced by circumstances beyond his control to drive in the car through lane without the necessary minimum of passengers.
Oh, and writing Bernie Sanders.
Hey, yeah, where is my goddamn brunch?
I mean it.
I've been sitting here for four years smoking pot and waiting for my damn brunch.
Pilot the tower.
My avocado toast is subpar.
Request assistance.
And Shire LaBoof is an asshole.
Death to the fascist insect that feeds off the life of the people.
That's to the fascist insect that feeds off the life of the people.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show: you become a premium member.
We give you a couple of hours of premium bonus content every week, and it's a great way to help support the show.
You can do it by going to jimmydoorcomedy.com, clicking on join premium.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business, and it's a great way to help put your thumb back in the eye of the bastards.
Thanks for everybody who was already a premium member.
And if you haven't, you're missing out.
We give you lots of bonus content.
Thanks for your support.
Hello?
Oh, hello.
Oh, hello.
Hi, but who is this?
Oh, come on.
It's me, John.
John Ellis Bush.
Oh, Jeb Bush.
No, no, no, no.
Don't say Jeb anymore.
It's John Ellis, okay?
Oh, okay, but why?
I'm laying low until all this blows over.
That's why.
I'm eating worms, too, just so you know.
But, Jeb.
John Ellis, dagnab it.
Why are you eating worms, John Ellis?
Because this isn't my fault, okay, guys?
I didn't do it.
Y'all think it is.
My wife's been miserable every day for the last four years, okay?
I read that people are now tweeting about me at the rate of one tweet a minute.
You realize how many that is in the adding numbers?
Well, it's a whole bunch.
That's how many.
More than 20 finger countings.
Why is that bad?
Because it's Jeb's fault, this, and Jeb lost a Trump bat.
They say I'm milked toast.
What's milked toast anyway, Jimmy?
I think it means you let Trump crush you in 2016 and barely put up a fight.
Oh, I see.
But it's not my fault.
I thought Hillary would win and she'd pick me a secretary of state or something.
I took typing in finishing school, you know.
And I see Habwo a Spaniel, too.
What's that?
Oh, gosh, you're dumb.
I speak Spanish.
And now look at what happened.
Trump took Florida again.
You could have campaigned against him this year.
You and your family could have helped Biden win Florida.
I know.
Never should have listened to my stupid brother.
George?
No, Neil.
The one nobody ever talks about.
He's the leader of the family.
He's really weird.
He wears a monocle now.
I mean, guy, what the heck?
And you guys need to stop knocking Florida.
Florida's a great state, okay?
Just because some naked guy drove his motorcycle in the swamp because he lost his alligator doesn't mean you have to get so judgmental.
You try riding your hog dude to the drive-in with a gator on your back.
It's hard.
How can you crack your voice like that?
I wasn't knocking Florida, Jeb.
I mean, you don't got to get up on your high horse just because some guy dressed up in a bull costume and tried to burn down his ex-girlfriend's house with pasta sauce.
Well, that could happen to anybody.
I understand that, Jeb.
I understand that.
Don't try to tell me.
Cops in California never arrested anybody for practicing karate on swans.
That could happen to anybody.
Gee, this is so depressing.
How come John Ellis never gets a mint from Michelle?
I deserve all bullshit on a peck of mints.
Goddamn, gosh darn heck.
Excuse my swears.
Okay.
So here we go into our neoliberal Hall of Fame.
Okay.
So we're going to start off with the beguiling bug who put these together.
So thank you.
This is a great job, boy.
So he put these together.
This is our neoliberal Hall of Fame.
This is first of all from Representative Joe Kennedy III.
He said, this is from May 9th.
He said, not a single patient should be forced to fight off medical bankruptcy in the midst of a global health pandemic without a lawyer by their side.
Screw Medicare for all.
We need lawyers for all.
That's what he's saying.
We need lawyers for all.
How about Medicare for all?
But everybody should get a lawyer.
Man, with such an inspiring message, it's hard to believe this guy got crushed in a state where his family is a dynasty.
That's his message in the middle of a pandemic.
We're going to give you a lawyer.
How about you give me Medicare?
No.
Woo.
That's expensive.
Kamala Harris says, yesterday I announced that as president, I'll establish a student loan debt forgiveness program for Pell Grant recipients who start a business that operates for three years in disadvantaged communities.
Hey, if you have a bunch of debt, if you do something that will give you a bunch more debt, like start a business, we'll forgive some of that other debt later.
You got a ton of debt.
Start a business.
Work for yourself where there's not a guaranteed paycheck.
Do it for three years.
Maybe we'll forgive some of your other debt.
How's that for an idea?
These are the new neoliberals.
These are their solutions.
This should be titled Neoliberal Solutions to Our Problems.
neoliberals comical solutions to our problem.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
That's all she has.
That's it.
It's a debate.
It's called a debate.
Debate.
Debate means you lie.
Well, here we go.
Here's Chuck Schumer.
We recently learned a tragically sad story of a veteran in Rochester Region when he stopped receiving increased unemployment insurance.
He couldn't pay his mortgage, and heartbreakingly, he committed suicide.
I just demanded we pass Suicide Prevention Acts.
Hey, Chuck, here's a Suicide Prevention Act you could have passed.
It starts with a U. In the middle, there's a B and it ends with an I. It's called UBI during a pandemic where you shut down the economy.
That could have maybe prevented his suicide, Chuck.
He's going to start a Suicide Prevention Act.
He also has no, he has no answer about how about peace so we don't have future veterans.
How about how about a, how about an emergency UBI check, Chuck?
That would be, that would fix that problem.
An emergency UBI, Chuck.
You need a pothead comedian to tell you that?
No, he knows that.
He's a fucking evil oligarch.
And I'm not, I don't use that word lightly.
He's evil.
He's denying you a UBI.
That guy killed himself and he couldn't give a shit.
His solution is to pass a Suicide Prevention Act, not give people UBIs and emergency UBI in the middle of this fucking pandemic after he just gave $5 trillion to the richest 1,000 oligarchs in the country.
I'm just waiting for him to pass There Are No More Dicks in Congress Act.
How about that?
How about here's the mayor of LA?
We're delivering assistance to Angelinos facing economic hardship during COVID-19 pandemic.
Are you ready?
Here it comes.
Starting Monday with our new early pay LA program, LA Department of Transportation officials will offer a $20 discount on parking citations paid within 48 hours.
Hey, here's your $20 off coupon for the whole systemic murdering of black people.
Give me a $20 off coupon.
Thank you.
This is neoliberalism, baby.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, here's Senator Christian Kirsten Gillibrand.
If we want to end the opioid, if we want to end the opioid epidemic, we must work to address the root cause of abuses.
That's why Senator Corey Gardner and I introduced legislation to limit opioid prescriptions for acute pain to seven days because no one needs a month's supply for a wisdom tooth extraction.
She's nailing it, nailing it, and avoiding a better solution like supporting the legalization of cannabis.
So let's make it harder for people to get pain medicine.
This is not a solution.
This is not a solution.
Here's Hillary Clinton.
Millions of people have lost their employer-tied health care over the last two weeks because of the pandemic.
It's an easy call.
Reopen the healthcare exchanges.
Okay, so I don't have to tell you.
Okay, here's the joke.
Okay, open up the exchanges so people with no money can still have no health insurance.
If you don't have money, if you lost your job and your health care, you don't have money to buy health care.
Wow.
Wow.
Hey, this is an easy call, according to Hillary Clinton.
Let's let the people give the insurance companies money that they don't have.
Why don't they just do that?
So that's just a little trip down some of the neoliberal solutions to our modern day problems.
That's their solutions.
Jesus Christ.
I'm getting.
I'm getting word that we have a third mention.
No.
Shut the flip up.
I'm getting.
I don't have anything in my ear.
Uh-oh, you fooled me.
It is fun to do that.
Remember, they used to do that all the time.
Right.
Oh, hold on.
I'm getting.
So Fox News did a poll.
Fox News exit polls.
This is going to be stunning, okay?
I know this is going to be stunning.
This is a Fox News exit poll.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Fox News exit poll.
I saw this poll.
Well, it was happening.
Do you want to change to a government-run healthcare plan?
72% said yes.
So if Joe Biden wanted to win this election, instead of shitting on people to his left, why not just offer people something?
72% of the people wanted that.
Good thing Biden didn't embrace Medicare for All would have scared too many people away, huh?
You can't be a central.
You can't embrace Medicare for All win an election.
That's Fox News.
72% of the voters support Medicare for All.
Today, they had to choose between two candidates who do not.
Waiting for the day that radical is when elected representatives consistently and unapologetically ignore or actively dismiss the will of their constituents because that is what radical is.
Wanting Medicare for All is not radical.
It's way beyond being mainstream.
What's radical is Joe Biden stopping it.
That's radical.
Joe Biden's a fucking radical in favor of the oligarchs.
Here's some more that Fox News poll.
What is the question?
How serious is a problem is racism in the United States?
According to a Fox News poll, 70 is that 70% of Americans?
I'm bad at math.
What are you doing?
49 and 29?
Yeah.
It's about 78%.
So almost 80% of Americans think that racism is somewhat or very much a problem.
Fox News.
Eight out of 10 of them thinks that racism is a problem in America.
Here's another one.
What should happen to illegal immigrants?
Fox News poll.
Seven out of 10 people say there should be a pathway to citizenship.
Seven out of 10.
Seven out of ten.
Seven out of ten.
And both candidates want to build a wall.
Oh, it's just, it's just, it's almost like you don't matter.
Dave Anthony says, hey, at least those kids will be out of cages and quickly deported to their deaths like under Obama.
Here we go, number seven.
Here's another.
How concerned about the effects of climate change are you?
So according to a Fox News poll, 72% of Americans are very concerned or somewhat or very concerned about climate change.
That's Fox News.
There it is.
Six and six is 12.
Carry the one makes that a five.
Five and two is seven.
That's 72%.
How concerned are you about the effects of climate change?
That's seven out of 10 in a Fox News poll.
I guess that's why both candidates support a Green New Deal.
Oh, wait.
Did I say both?
I meant neither of them.
Here's another one.
Increasing government spending on a green and renewable energy.
70% of the country.
Seven, That's three and seven is 10.
Carry the one fourth.
That's 70% of the country.
Fox News poll say that we should be spending more money on green and renewable energy.
That's seven out of 10 people.
Wow.
I guess they did they think you meant military spending?
There's another one.
The role of government.
Should government do more?
Six out of 10 say yes.
Government should do more.
I'm sure somebody's getting fired over Red Fox News for this goddamn point.
They're revealing too many facts.
Kind of shows how out of touch with the majority they truly are.
I mean, the politicians.
Kind of also shows you how we don't have a representative democracy, says Rebecca Bitten.
She's making it into the show almost every week.
Wow.
She's a strong tweeter.
Strong tweeter.
There's another one.
Donald Trump's approach to Russia.
This is going to break your heart.
62% of Fox News poll people said it's not tough enough.
58% said not tough enough.
That's sad.
Propaganda still works, baby.
That's weird.
58%.
You see this?
58% say that Fox News viewers say that Donald Trump should be tougher on Russia.
That's weird that 58% of Fox News viewers get their news from MSNBC.
Isn't that weird?
Isn't that weird?
I guess Rachel Maddow fans are admitting to themselves that they're actually conservatives.
And I really needed a drink.
This is not a stone.
This is not a stone.
I really need it.
No, don't do it.
No, I really needed a drink of alcohol.
I realized this is not a stone.
So Pete Budegigg's jigging.
Pete Budegigs went on with our favorite.
Do you see what hair dye and lighting can do for you?
Joy Behar has looked exactly the same for 20 straight years.
20.
20 years.
Since she was 58, she's looked like this.
Now, how old is she?
78?
Let me see.
I think she's 67.
How old is Joy Behar?
Hey, Suri.
You'll see the thing.
They updated.
She's 78.
I was fucking right on.
Pete doesn't seem impressed.
I was right on.
Ever since she was 58 years old, she's looked like that.
She got that gig when she was fucking 58.
Most people think their careers are over.
Hers was just starting.
Holy shit, Storm.
Hers was just starting.
She can even afford sweaters that just type in her thoughts.
Yeah.
Why does Pete Budegigig look like he just came back from McKeger where he tried light beer for the first time?
Doesn't he?
Okay, here we go.
Pete Budegig, openly gay, but a closeted conservative.
Bam!
Another great line.
He doesn't think that the ballots after Election Day should be counted.
Can he do that?
Aren't there laws?
Isn't that what this is about?
We're supposed to count every vote?
Well, maybe we could just do a coin flip.
Because you get it.
Right.
Let's be clear.
He doesn't have the authority to do that.
He can declare whatever he likes, but this is a Democratic country, and we count the votes.
Now, I am disturbed that they have this strategy where they're going to court in some of the states trying to stop some of those votes.
By the way, we're talking about – They don't work like they do in the primary.
Military voters sending in votes in the mail.
We're talking about all kinds of legitimate valid voters.
And look, this is not a strategy that you adopt if you think you're winning.
So it's really a sign of desperation.
Oh, really?
A sign of desperation.
Who would know better?
But they've been losing every time they've tried to do this in the courts.
So I'm confident that votes are going to be counted.
And you see that record turnout.
It shows that these strategies to discourage voters, they just aren't working.
Oh, they don't work like they do in the primary, Pete.
That's for sure.
Too bad Republicans couldn't run 20 candidates against one.
Then maybe discouraging voters would have been easier.
Having Pete Buddegigig talk about election integrity is like having Claire McCaskill talking about election victories.
Come on.
She's a big loser.
Pete calling out cheating.
Pete Budebig calling out cheating, man.
That's like the pot calling the kettle the color of the people that Pete didn't want to have live in his neighborhood.
Is that something?
You got to pay attention to that joke.
By the way, Pete Budegig declares victory in Iowa caucuses with 0% of the vote in.
Oh, friendly reminder, in case, like the news networks, apparently, you forgot.
They're just as scummy as Donald Trump.
Just so you know, that fucking tool of the establishment, this motherfucking tool of the establishment, this piece of shit is no better than Donald Trump.
Just so you know.
Okay.
He would do war.
He would kill babies in Yemen.
Does that make him a good person or a bad person?
Are babies in Yemen worth less than babies in America?
Not to Jesus.
So guess what they did?
The FCC did one more time before the election.
They reaffirmed repealing net neutrality.
So net neutrality, that thing that is essential, they got rid of it under Trump.
And they just voted to get rid of it again.
FCC reconfirms Title II repeal, says no change is needed despite a court remand.
The FCC voted along party lines in 2017 to repeal the rules prohibiting broadband companies from blocking, throttling, or prioritizing certain websites, rolling back net neutrality regulations.
The 2015 net neutrality rules barred internet service providers from blocking or slowing internet content or offering paid fast lanes.
Under President Donald Trump, the 2017 FCC order granted ISPs, that's internet providers, sweeping powers to control how Americans use the internet.
It is patently obvious to all but the most devoted members of net neutrality cult that the case against the net neutrality repeal was a sham, said Chairman Najit Pai.
So let me break what he's saying is that if you are for net neutrality, which is that thing we all should be for, you're in some kind of crazy cult.
That's what Ajit Pai is saying.
That's what he's saying.
And they reconfirmed that they're going to repeal net neutrality.
So what they did was they just reconfirmed that we are a horrible and awful government.
We are working against our own people.
That's what this confirms.
Hey, by the way, many Americans still don't have Internet access, and Congress could help.
By the way, by a cult, the people who are for net neutrality, he calls us a cult.
He means by cult, he means people who understand the internet should be treated as a utility.
That's what it, that's what, that's the, that's the cult I'm in.
I'm in the cult of people who are for net neutrality, who understand that the internet should be treated as a utility.
So just to let you know, that's what Ajit Pai did right before the election.
Wanted to just make sure they repealed it again.
So sad news.
Robert Fisk, veteran UK journalist, dies at age 74.
It's sad because he was a great war correspondent.
They say he's controversial because he told the truth about war.
That's all it takes is to tell the truth as a reporter about war, and they call you controversial.
Robert Fisk, who had British and Irish citizenship, covered wars in Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan, Bosnia, Kozoval, Israel, and its Palestinian territories, Northern Ireland, Algeria, and Lebanon, where he long made Beirut his base.
You cannot get near the truth without being there, he said.
Across nearly five decades, Mr. Fisk was unquestionably there.
He made no pretense of adhering to conventional notions of journalistic objectivity, essentially arguing that there was no on the other hand in certain situations.
I think it is the duty of a foreign correspondent to be neutral and unbiased on the side of those who suffer, wherever they may be.
His dispatches earned him many accolades.
Seven times he was named the British Press Awards International Journalist of the Year.
Robert Fisk, in the long hours of darkness, Baghdad shakes to the constant low rumble of B-52.
So that's when he covered the Iraq war.
The twisted language of war that is used to justify the unjustifiable.
He wrote that April 7th, 2003.
Robert Fisk, would President Assad invite a cruise missile to his palace?
Why Syria is in America's gunsight?
So he told the truth about Syria.
So he also debunked that stupid gas attack in Douma.
He was on the scene, debunked it.
We reported his reporting.
No one else in the United States would do that.
Isn't that amazing?
A Jagoff in his garage, a pothead comedian would.
You know who wouldn't?
Rachel Maddow, Chris Hayes, Jake Tapper, the usual pieces of shit who are lying to you on a daily basis.
Cowards, all of them.
They're all cowards of the highest order.
Robert Fisk brought home the unimaginable horrors of war.
As his editor, I greatly admired him.
In the middle of the night on March 3rd, 2003, I was woken up by a phone call.
The Americans have just started bombing Bandad.
We had made sure Robert Fisk was on the spot when the attack was launched.
At 4 a.m.
UK time, Fisk made contact.
He wanted to file his own piece over the phone.
I listened in as our chief sub-editor took down his words.
I kid you not.
You could hear the bombs clearly in the background as Fisk was dictating, unruffled and unhurried.
That was a bit close, he said, as an explosion drowned out his words.
War made Fisk angry.
And he hated, unlike Tom Brokaw and the American press corps, they love war.
How about Brian Williams?
We are guided by the beauty of our missiles.
War made Fisk angry, and he hated the way it was presented, sanitized, he'd say, by the world's media.
And it is.
If you saw what I saw in wars, which you don't, because television cuts out the bloodiest scenes, oh no, we can't see the horror, but we should.
We should see the pornography of death.
Because if you saw what I saw, dogs tearing corpses to pieces and women and children bombed in the desert, you would never support war again.
Never, ever.
So he died at 74.
One of the best journalists ever in the history of journalism, certainly one of the best war correspondents of all time, told the truth.
He was controversial because he told the truth about war.
He wasn't controversial because he was crazy.
He wasn't controversial because he got stuff wrong.
He wasn't controversial because he had crazy ideas.
He was controversial because he told the truth about war, something you're not allowed to do.
So, R.I.P. Robert Fisk, he made our reporting on Syria a lot easier.
He did the real hard work.
Tip of the hat, the world's a worse place off without him.
Really sad.
So young.
74?
That's very young.
My dad's 91.
Give you an example.
Wow, let's look who's on the phone.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy, this is Sam Pashino.
How you doing?
Al!
Al, how are you now?
I know you've been paying attention to politics lately.
Did you see what happened?
Oh, no, no, Jimmy.
Oh, back up, back up, back up.
If you recall, I called you exactly four weeks ago.
Yes.
I said, I am confused by everything.
I'm going to turn off the news for four weeks.
And then I'm going to call you randomly on November 4th.
Remember that?
Yes.
Yeah.
So now that's what I'm doing.
I'm calling you because I haven't watched the news in four weeks.
What's going on?
Watch in the news, baby.
I got no idea.
So what happened was they had an election and...
What?
Yeah.
Yesterday was the big election and Trump went against Joe Biden.
And they're still not sure who won, but it looks like Joe Biden's going to win.
How do they not know who won?
Because they have to count the absentee ballots and the mail-in ballots and things like that.
It takes a little while longer.
Oh.
All right.
So where do I go to vote?
No, the voting's over.
It was yesterday.
What?
Hey, you know there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written by Ron Placone, Mark Van Landuit, Steph Zamarano, Jim Earl, Mike McRae, and Roger Rittenhouse.
All the voices performed today by the one and the only the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out!
I'm not kidding.
Don't freak out!
Don't freak out.
Do not freak.
Do not freak.
Do not freak out.
Don't freak out.
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