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Oct. 22, 2020 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:09:33
20201022_TJDS_20201022_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy, it's Jeffrey Toobin.
Hello, Mr. Toobin.
How are you doing?
Doing just fine.
Is that so?
You probably heard by now that I was caught masturbating on a Zoom call.
Yeah, yeah, we did.
And that I've been suspended by the New Yorker.
Right, right.
Well, I want you to know that I have made all the requisite apologies, and I will now be seeking legal action against the New Yorker.
Wait, I'm confused.
What possible legal standing do you have in this situation, Mr. Toobin?
Well, it's interesting.
The existing case law surrounding this topic is rather unclear.
In the state of California, for example, the civil courts have ruled consistently against men who have exposed their penises during Zoom calls, even inadvertently.
Say they stepped out of the shower and didn't realize the camera had been turned back on.
But then you have Rhode Island versus Borowitz, which was an interesting ruling because it seemed to imply that the exposure of a penis online could possibly be perceived not as a threat, but rather just a friendly greeting.
Unconventional, certainly, but still essentially salutary in nature.
I see.
I see.
The legal waters get muddied somewhat when you add actual masturbation into the scenario.
I'm sure you're aware of this classic law thought experiment.
Say a male employer is talking to a female employee on the telephone and he begins to masturbate because she has red hair or whatever.
But he does so in a way where it's completely silent and she can't hear it on the other end of the line.
So if the redhead, she also has freckles, I might add, is unaware throughout the duration of the call that her boss was masturbating with his penis, was she in fact sexually harassed?
There's differing legal opinion on this, but it's such a classic legal riddle that it's often posed to first-year law students, sometimes over the telephone.
Sort of if a tree falls in the forest, sort of a thing, huh?
Exactly.
Now, the legal answer to that may be unclear, but the analogous application to Zoom calls is readily apparent.
Let's say a silent masturbator has also perfected a forearm-only technique, thereby obscuring his masturbation both visually and audibly.
Is imperceptible masturbation during a work meeting inherently a crime or even a tort?
Again, the law is unclear on this.
It just seems kind of wrong, though.
Right.
And I will say it's somewhat understandable that there is all this legal confusion, considering it's only been eight months or so since there's been this explosion of online meetings and meetups.
And in that situation, you're just going to have a flurry of exposed penises.
It is inevitable.
And it's going to take the courts a long time to catch up with all those penises.
Yeah.
I don't, I don't really.
But I can tell you that this topic has attracted the attention of academic law in a big way.
Many of the law professors at the top law schools in this country have been studying this topic diligently, including my former mentor, Alan Dershowitz.
In fact, this is one of the few topics where he and I still agree.
So what is your legal strategy going to be here?
Well, needless to say, I can't really divulge that during a recorded phone call that will be posted online.
But suffice it to say that it will be relatively hairtied in light of the current legal thinking on this matter.
Actually, you're on a live stream right now.
Really?
Yes.
How many people are listening to me right now?
About 5,000 at this particular moment.
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay.
Got to go.
Thanks, Jeffrey.
wait wait wait hey everybody welcome to this week's jimmy door show let's get to the jokes before we get to the joke shall
we you know four years from now the democrats will be telling voters to choose between evil fracking and less evil fracking i mean no matter what happens i still have hope we can sell this country for scrap value hey you hear about jeffrey tobin everybody heard about jeffrey tobin oh sure new york the new yorker may be suspending jeffrey tobin for indecent exposure but cnn is now promoting him as a body language expert oh cnn doesn't know how long tobin will be out but
judging from the video i'm going to say at least two or three inches am i right come on the key to that joke was speed you got to get to the punchline first hey this is the first story cnn isn't going to ask jeffrey tobin to unpack that's what i'm talking about the
constitutional law scholar was just about to release his new book on the first amendment and the right to redress and undress i guess come on come on come on come on hey what's coming up on today's show uh after decades of saying how proud he was of his crime bill joe biden just decided it was a mistake progressives sent a sternly worded letter for joe biden to respond to and they don't even send it to joe biden hey jimmy door's prophecy about
deportations under obama and deportations under trump comes true partisans are using russiagate to defend the corruption discovered in hunter biden's emails and our favorite local la news guy comments on the jeffrey tobin incident plus phone calls today from bernie sanders chris krisky barack obama and jeffrey tobin plus a lot lot more that's today on the jimmy door show so here's why the republicans are going to
lose and the democrats should also but this is why the republicans are going to lose so this is what's happening right now millions of americans have lost health insurance in this pandemic driven recession so that was from august 28th of this year here economic fallout from covet 19 continues to hit lower income americans the hardest half of adults who say they lost a job due to the coronavirus outbreak outbreak are still unemployed because you know the billionaires got even more rich from all that stimulus money, baby.
That's what happened.
That's what's going on.
The ugly truth about millions of American jobs, they are not coming back.
Another ugly truth is that they were shitty and exploitive jobs to begin with.
So, this is what's the climate we're in.
Hey, wave of eviction sweeps the U.S. amid impasse over coronavirus protections.
This is what's happening.
There's food lines everywhere.
People are getting evicted.
Nobody has a job because of coronavirus, and the government isn't doing anything.
Well, here's what the government's doing to help people.
Does your skinny bill contain another round of stimulus checks for all Americans?
No, it doesn't, but it does address an awful lot of things that we do agree on.
And I don't think the fact that those checks are not a part of this package, as others have said, is a good argument for not doing what we are laying on the floor, most of which is completely without controversy.
So, what he's saying is, I have a bill for coronavirus relief.
It doesn't involve actually relief to the people.
So, what the Republican leader is saying of the Senate says, We're looking out for Wall Street.
One of the things we agree on.
So, that's what him and the Democrats agree on.
So, I don't see a problem just because we're not helping regular people.
We agree on helping Wall Street and the richest people in the country, and that's what we're doing.
That's what he's saying.
Mitch McConnell is like if an overdraft was a person.
So, there he is coming right out saying, We're not doing anything for the people.
We're not going to do anything for you.
Literally, we're not going to do anything for you.
And he doesn't care.
This is why Trump is going to lose, and Trump is going to lose.
News: McConnell warns White House against making a stimulus deal before election, sources say.
So, what this should say is: GOP, we're willing to risk the White House if it means we can avoid helping people.
Trump urges a stimulus package bigger than $2.2 trillion as the Senate GOP ready slimmed down measure.
But Trump is going to take, he's going to let Mitch McConnell roll right over him because Trump is weak and he's not going to help you.
He doesn't really care about helping you.
He's not doing it.
Mitch McConnell is the president, apparently.
And at the same time, the Federal Reserve is to lend an additional $1 trillion a day to the large banks.
And I bet nobody asked how they're going to pay for it.
You know what they say, though, right?
You know what they say?
A society is judged by how it treats its most vulnerable banks.
House Republicans investigate Biden's use of a chartered Amtrak.
Once again, they've got their priorities straight.
This is what they're doing instead of getting a check to the people.
Of all the things to criticize Joe Biden for, and all that they could come up with was he took a train.
What's it going to be the weekend before the election?
Did you hear Joe Biden was riding a bicycle and he didn't even signal when he turned?
So this is why the Republicans are going to lose because they're governing against the people.
They've been governing against the people every step of the way.
So have the Democrats.
So good for you.
This is why they will lose.
You know how we used to do.
You know, when Chuck Schumer calls into the show and he says, oh, boy, I've really had it with that Donald Trump.
I'm going to send him a sternly worded letter.
Because that's a joke, right?
Because that shows how feckless and ineffectual the Democrats really are.
They're not actually an opposition party.
They just send sternly what they don't do anything.
Like right now, they could be stopping the Supreme Court justice, but they're not.
They could be, but they're not.
So they don't do anything.
Guess what?
Now, AOC and the House doing the same thing.
They're going to send a stern, they sent a sternly worded letter.
I'm not making this up.
I am not making this up.
AOC and House progressives warn Biden on corporate hires.
That's the headline in Politico.
A letter from left-wing lawmakers and groups calls for corporate lobbyists and high-ranking executives to be shut out of the Biden administration.
They sent a sternly worded letter.
Did they also ask Hillary to cut it out?
Maybe ask Hillary.
Say, cut it out like she did with Wall Street.
I went to Wall Street.
I said, cut it out.
Remember, that was Hillary.
Did Warren wag her finger at Joe Biden at any point?
This is what the Democrats do.
Instead of actually resisting corporatism, they do things like, you know, tell them to cut it out, wag their finger at them.
Wait, did Pelosi rip up a speech?
Did Obama say, let's let both sides play it out?
Because this is how the Democrats usually resist.
I'm just trying to figure out how much stern action happened here.
How much stern action happened here?
Left-wing House members, including Representatives Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Katie Porter, who's another one who will never call out Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer or the Democrats ever.
Katie Porty will never do that.
She's very cowardly in that regard.
Ayana Presley, same thing.
Raul Grevalia, same thing.
They all signed a letter.
I'm not making this up.
They all signed a letter.
They signed a letter.
And it was obtained by Politico.
It argues that no corporate executives or corporate lobbyists ought to have Senate-confirmed positions in a Biden administration.
Well, I hate to break it to you, AOC, Raul Grevalia, Ayana Presley.
I hate to break it to you, you performative theater actors.
But Joe Biden's already installed the corporate corporation in his campaign that you've endorsed.
What do you mean, Jimmy?
Well, Larry Summers, the guy who, the architect of the 2008 financial collapse, Larry Summers, the dumbest smart guy besides Sam Harris, is running, is part of the group running Joe Biden's campaign.
Larry Summers, do you know what Larry Summers?
He's the vice president of the World Bank, and he's the one architecting the push for the Glass-Steagall deregulation, which led to the biggest crash ever.
That's who already working for Joe Biden.
Raul already.
How about Jim Chanos?
He's a campaign advisor.
He's also a Wall Street hedge fund manager.
How about Jack Rosen?
He's a real estate speculator, campaign advisor.
Steph, could you see who the guy is from Raytheon?
I think there's a couple of military-industrial complex guys working for Joe Biden right now.
Put in military-industrial complex advisors, Joe Biden.
And by the way, them sending this letter, having to say this, the progressives sending this letter, that is something that should never even need to be said if the Democrats were actually an alternative party to the right instead of just part of it.
So what these people do by being part of the Democratic Party with Ocasio-Cortez, Katie Porter, Ayana Presley, Raul Gravali, what they do is they give the impression that the Democratic Party represents workers and regular people.
They give the false, very false impression.
And so they're doing damage because it makes people think the Democrats are actually an alternative party, and they are not.
They're all just endorsed the campaign of a corporatist.
The guy, what you just endorsed these people, and now you want him to change.
So before he has your vote, he's 100% corporate.
You want him to change after you gave him your vote?
The one thing?
Some Biden allies and even some left-wing Democrats have been frustrated that factions of the party are airing such demands and criticism in public before the election.
So Joe Biden's chief foreign policy advisor is a guy named Anton Blinken.
He's very pro-war.
In fact, he was Biden's aide when he pushed the Iraq war in 2002.
So he still got the Warhawks, but it's worse.
I know he has people right from the military-industrial complex in his campaign.
Despite the unrivaled corruption of the Trump administration, it is not unrivaled.
They're all 100% corrupt.
So maybe Joe Biden's, because Joe Biden's just done more damage.
He's been in government 46 years.
He's done more horrible things.
So that's not true.
And that's why they lost.
That's why Bernie Sanders lost.
That's why the Democrats.
So despite the unrivaled corruption of the Trump administration, the chokehold that corporate giants and rich hold over our political system is not new, said Illinois Representative Chewy Garcia, who also signed the letter.
Their power and influence in American politics has been growing for years.
Yeah.
And you stay in that party that's 100% corrupt.
Hey, look, the most important WikiLeaks revelation isn't about Hillary Clinton.
So you guys are sending a stern letter in 2020 about the corporate influence in a Democratic presidential administration.
Where were you doing Barack Obama's presidential administration?
Because you know what John Podesta says, you know what the WikiLeaks emails really revealed?
That Barack Obama's administration was 100% bought and sold by Wall Street.
What do you mean, Jimmy?
Well, the Citigroup chose Obama's 2008 cabinet.
A Wikileaks document revealed, we know this.
We've reported this a million times.
Barack Obama's entire cabinet came from an email from Citigroup.
That's true.
And Biden kicked off his campaign with a bunch of Comcast executives.
That's how he kicked off his campaign.
And then he went to a bunch of Wall Street guys and said nothing's going to ever fundamentally change in my administration.
So you guys are upset about corporate power inside of a Democratic administration.
You weren't upset then.
You're not upset.
And Joe Biden is promising to do that.
So your letter is worse than a joke because it's not funny.
It's funny when we do it with Mike McRae.
It's not funny when you do it.
It's just pathetic.
The letter's authors argued that Democrats would look hypocritical if they appointed corporate-friendly officials after criticizing Trump appointees for their corporate time.
Yeah, I know there's no difference in the parties, AOC.
Raul Gravalia, Ayanip, there isn't a difference, you fucking liars.
You're propping up an evil pro-war, pro-military industrial complex, pro-Wall Street, pro-Big Pharma, pro-fracking party.
You're their beard.
And you know this.
You all know this.
You guys are about as useful as a bunch of fucking alcoholics because that's how you act.
You'll never stand up to the power structure inside the Democratic Party, which is the power structure in this country.
You'll never stand up to it, you weak, feckless cowards, you career-climbing bullshitters.
They're going to send a sternly worded letter.
You're not actually going to ever do anything, though, right?
No.
AOC is not actually going to stand up to Nancy Pelosi, nor is Raul Gravalia.
They're all a bunch of fucking gum flappers.
They ain't doing shit.
They're supporting an administration that's just as corrupt as Donald Trump's.
Just imagine explaining to the American people why those names with those affiliations are unacceptable.
But similar names with similar sounding affiliations are not only unobjectionable, but necessary to the proper functioning of the federal government, they wrote.
The revolving door needs to stop, not just change direction every few years.
Yeah, but it's not going to, and you're not doing anything to actually stop it.
You're actually doing the act the opposite.
You're propping up this guy.
The letter, which was delivered to Senate leaders Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell, they didn't even give it to fucking Joe Biden.
The letter, which was delivered to Senate leaders Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell on Friday morning, called on both parties to adopt this standard.
But organizers told Politico it was also intended to send a message to Joe Biden's transition team.
That's it.
That's what's happening.
Okay.
You're a joke.
Go vote blue, you fucking chumps.
You fucking chumps.
Go vote Justice Democrat blue chumps.
Fucking chumps.
Fucking chumps.
Unbelievable.
Jimmy, I found an article said in these times, the title is the weapons industry lobbyist advising Joe Biden.
Let me repeat that title again.
The weapons industry lobbyist advising Joe Biden's Stuart Eisenstadt has worked as a powerful political advisor as well as a corporate lobbyist for the oil and arms industries.
Oh, wow, look at that.
They're already in there, you fucking lemming liars.
You performative bullshitters, AOC, Arnold Presley, Raul Guevalia.
You're all a bunch of performative bullshitters that don't have a spine.
You're just there to sheepdog progressives and workers into a fucking pro-war corporate party that screws them at every turn, but takes care of you, right?
Right?
Right?
Yes.
Bunch of fucking nutless wonders, the progressives in Congress.
Jimmy Eisenstadt's affiliations as a lawyer and a lobbyist at firm Covington and Burling.
This is a Biden, this is a Biden advisor.
He's advising him on his foreign policy.
Eisenstadt has represented fossil fuel companies, Shell, BP, and Noble Energy, as well as defense contractors, Caterpillar, Raytheon, BAE systems, Boeing, and the notorious private security firm.
Blackwater.
You got it.
That's the guy.
So you're replacing Trump with fucking Trump.
You gutless wonders.
Or how about Farak Mitha?
There's another Biden senior advisor.
He's also a Pentagon official.
He wants to fund the military.
How about Michelle Flourney?
She's a military investor, slated to become Biden's secretary of defense.
How about Avril Haynes, former deputy CIA director, leading Biden's foreign policy transition team?
She drafted Obama's drone policy that killed 90% innocent people.
Michael Florney, also director at Booz Allen, controversial Warhawk, Homeland Security contractor tied to South.
Those people are already in his campaign, and you're telling people to vote for him right now, you fucking sellouts to the workers.
That's what you want to know what AOC, Ayana Presley, Raul Guevalia, they're sellouts.
They've turned their backs on workers and people who need help right now because they will not call out Nancy Pelosi or their leadership.
They will not do that.
In fact, they're telling people to vote for this piece of shit because they could be counted on to be loyal soldiers because they are.
That's why all of them voted for the largest upward transfer of wealth in the history of humankind because they're not your friend.
But that's all you got to go on, right?
Is AOC?
That's all you fucking losers have.
That's all you losers have.
Go watch some Jagoff YouTube show tell you how good AOC and Ayanna Presley are.
Go ahead.
Go watch that guy's show.
How a fossil fuel-friendly policy made its way into the Biden campaign's climate plans.
Boy, I got to tell you, Sean Connery really grew his hair off for this pandemic, just like me.
Leftists reluctantly voting for Biden in four years.
This is a great question.
So in four years, when you are faced with this exact same choice, what are you going to do then?
What are you going to do in eight years or in 12 years or in 16?
At what point will you be willing to stop voting against yourself?
What's your line in the sand?
My line in the sand was Hillary Clinton.
And then some people on the left got a nutsack for about five fucking minutes when Joe Biden got the stole the nomination.
Some people on the left got a nutsack for like five seconds and then it's gone.
It's gone.
It's all gone.
It's all gone.
I appreciate the lane.
I don't know if you go look at the views on our show, but we're fucking killing it.
So thank you for the lane.
Thank you for the lane.
Those guys who are spouting that kind of bullshit, no one's watching their shows unless they put Trump in the title or Jimmy Doar's name.
If Joe Biden wins, this is great.
Kenneth P. Vogel, he's a big shot at the New York Times now.
If Joe Biden wins, it'll be interesting to watch the re-emergence of dissent on the left.
So many professional progressive advocates are demurring when I ask about Biden policy or personnel that run afoul of their objectives.
It's an unusual amount of discipline from the left.
Thank you.
Ha!
Somebody doesn't watch the Jimmy Dore show.
So what's going to happen in 16 years?
It's like, no, now's not the time.
You got to hold your nose and vote for Chelsea Clinton.
You got to vote for Chelsea Clinton or else Cyborg Cheney is going to become president.
Now is not the time for purity chests.
There's going to be another president election in 2032.
You got to vote for.
So there's your, there's your literally sending a sternly worded letter to no one, not even sending it to Joe Biden.
Your progressive caucus are a bunch of pathetic fucking pukes that are worthless.
They vote for the surveillance state.
They all voted for the largest upward transfer of wealth in human history.
They won't call out Nancy Pelosi, who is your enemy.
They are fucking feckless cowards.
They're so cowardly, they won't even come on this show.
Like AOC.
Can't face a question from a Jagoff comedian.
She could come on the show when she needed it to boost her campaign.
She knew my first, she knew me before I knew who the fuck she was.
But now she won't come up because she doesn't have the balls to answer a real question because she's selling you out.
AOC is a fucking sellout, just like Bernie Sanders.
They are selling you out.
And you know what they're getting for it?
Almost nothing.
That's how bad they are at politics.
What are they getting for it?
Nothing.
What did Bernie Sanders get?
Nothing.
They are paid to lose.
They are paid fucking shills.
Go vote for them and make yourself feel better.
Oh, I voted for a Democrat who's going to fuck me in the ass.
I voted for a Democrat who's going to fuck me in the ass.
You morons.
You fucking morons.
This isn't brain surgery.
You on-purpose cowards.
That's why the left is such a fucking mess because you're a bunch of cowards and you're easily bought.
What does it take to buy off somebody on the left?
A steak dinner?
An MSNBC contract?
That's all it takes.
That's all it takes.
An invitation to a podcast?
That's all it takes to get someone to go vote blue no matter who.
That's all it takes.
And again, I just thank everybody on the left who has a show.
Thank you for this huge fucking lane.
Thank you for not debunking Russia Gate.
Thanks for not having Bill Binney on your show.
Thanks for not having Aaron Mate on your show.
Thanks for not fucking debunking Syria or Venezuela or telling the truth about Bernie Sanders and the CARES Act.
Thank you for not doing that because you leave me a huge lane because I'm the only motherfucker who's going to do that.
Hey, Bernie Sanders is calling me.
Hello.
You're damn right, Bernie Sanders is calling you.
Did you get my message?
What message, buddy?
This is the most important election in the modern history of the country.
Donald Trump must be defeated.
I noticed you didn't say what we're going to replace him with.
You're trying to egg me on, aren't you?
I can say the man's name just as easily as Apple Pie, but I don't need to, so I won't.
Just say it, Bernie.
Apple Pie.
Who are you telling us to vote for, Bernie?
Say what again?
No problem.
We gotta elect John.
We have to elect John.
We gotta elect your bidding.
Oops.
Oh, Jay.
Jane, get me some flint water.
I mean, water.
Oh, fuck.
Explain to America again what the stakes are, Bernie.
It's simple.
We must not allow a nightmare scenario of a president who will never allow Medicare for all during a pandemic.
And that is why I'm voting for the Joe Biden I see in my heart, not with my eyes.
And what do you mean by that?
I mean, Joe Biden's views are not my views, but on some of the key issues, I think his views are my views.
Okay, but what?
The views that are his better like my views for it.
Can I be any clearer, for goddamn sake?
But what specifically?
Look, I'm not going to tell you what we're not going to tell you that we agree on every issue or how we go forward.
But there's no question in my mind that Biden's proposals are progressive.
Okay, but which one specifically?
Because I have minds that's full of them.
Okay, go ahead.
You mean in particular, or do you want them itemized one by one with nested bullet points?
Either one.
Chronologically, alphabetical, cross-referenced.
Just list some.
It doesn't matter, Bernie.
Because I can tell you a bunch of them if you like.
No problem there.
You got to give me a ballpark of where you want me to start.
Anywhere.
Start anywhere.
Let's not get bogged down at the details now.
Can't we wait until after the election?
Okay, he becomes president.
Then what happens?
Keep in mind, he's currently vetting Republicans for his administration and no one who supported you.
You see, everything's going to be what the fuck, huh?
Yeah, John Kasich, Meg Whitman, Jeff Flake, and Charlie Baker and Charlie Dent.
Wolf, Gerp, the Charlie's.
Are you all right?
I still believe the only way to achieve our goal of fundamentally changing our society is to support a man who promises no fundamental change.
So just choke on that shit for a while and shut the fuck up.
All right.
Thanks for calling, Bernie.
I've had it.
Joe's son goes into rehab for crack after pocketing 50 grand a month for influence peddling.
All my son does is post videos of cockatoos playing piano and ravens hanging around with cats.
Where's the goddamn justice?
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
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Hello.
Hey, this is Goville Moore Chris Christie.
Recognize me?
Do I sound different to you?
I sound funny to you.
Not really.
You kind of sound the same as you always have, maybe a little tired.
That's because I just spent seven fucking days in the ICU.
No, not the intensive cake unit.
Intensive care unit.
And right now, I'm so fucking tired I could kick your ass from here to Sunday, but not to Monday.
Get my drift hot shot.
I think so.
Why did you call, Governor?
Because I need to get some off my chest, okay?
This is very hardorious of me to express, for I am not a man who shows easily his contrition too much very often.
I have a deep humidity and modesty.
What Malays express in my emoticons and so forth.
So you need to say something to America?
That's right.
I admit I was wrong there with that shit.
I admit I was wrong to listen to people who told me they weren't all infected with the coronavirus.
Damn.
That's done it over with.
Hey, I don't see you admitting to nothing.
That means I'm better than you.
Well, I didn't deliberately hang around with a bunch of idiots who don't believe in wearing masks.
But they told me they was gleaned.
I grossed them.
I thought I was in the safe zone.
I am totally flooded with regrets.
I know I was wrong dead, but now I am right.
That's it.
From here on, I wear a max.
Wear your maxes, you scumbags.
Shouldn't you have known better, Chris?
I mean, we've been doing this for months now.
But I was in the zone.
It completely cold cocked my ass.
Bam!
Fuck it, kick me into balls and crap down my face.
Turn me over and kick my balls again.
I was totally besides myself with astonishment.
This fucking disease is so random and unpredicting.
Wear a fucking max.
Yeah, that's what scientists have been saying for months now, Chris.
Well, listen to me.
You never believe it.
I didn't know what hit me.
One minute I was feeling really tired, weak, and out of shape, and wheezing all over the place.
And the next, I was feeling really tired, weak and out of shape, and wheezing all over the place, but we're the fever.
What the fuck, right?
That sounds very serious, Chris.
Yeah, no kidding.
The ramifications are potentially deadly.
It was like I was hit by a freight train full of really hard cheese that comes in those big wheels.
Jesus.
I tell you, no one should be happy to get the virus.
I wasn't laughing at all.
And I'm usually full of whimsy and jocularity and shit.
No one should be caviar about getting inflicted or inflicting any others with it.
So you're off for wearing masks now.
Let me unpack the scientifics for you, Professor Smart Guy.
I employ all of you to wear maxes and take this pandemic serious.
I proliterate, wear a max.
But we still got to reopen every corner of this country.
So fuck it, you wimp, and wear a mask.
Okay.
Okay, so you know, I don't like to brag.
I actually do.
And what I say is, you know, we get a lot of things right at this show.
And the reason I tell you that is because if I don't, it turns out nobody fucking will.
So people like to come at this show saying that we don't know what we're talking about.
We don't have solutions.
We have lots of solutions.
And we've been proven right over and over again.
Our solutions, ranked choice voting, or strong third party, which we're starting.
Also, direct action, strong unions.
We've got lots of solutions.
And we don't know what we're talking about.
We were right about Russia Gate when the entire news media was wrong.
So could you just, so people, I know people are never going to give us props for that.
How about giving us props for Syria?
Well, we got that right.
When we, even still to this day, CNN hasn't retracted their bullshit smear against us or the Washington Post.
It's still in Wikipedia.
You can't edit Wikipedia because they're just an extension of the surveillance state and the intelligence community.
So here's another thing we got right.
So you remember when we were talking about Donald Trump?
And we said, well, if Donald Trump gets elected, you know, if he's so odious to everyone, why wouldn't it be hard for Congress to stop him?
Well, it turns out he's not odious.
The Democrats are fast-tracking all his judges and voting for all of them.
They're helping him pass his complete agenda.
They gave him money for the border wall.
They gave him an extra $132 billion to do war anywhere he wants.
They're not resisting Donald Trump.
And that's the thing.
That's what people are upset about.
They're not actually resisting Donald Trump.
Remember what everybody talks about?
You got to vote for Hillary Clinton because of the immigrations, right?
my God, there's people that I predicted this.
This is what I predicted.
And I have a prediction, by the way, for immigration.
Donald Trump will deport less Mexicans than Barack Obama.
That was my prediction.
Donald Trump will deport less Mexicans than Barack Obama.
That was my prediction in 2016.
So it wasn't like I was a Johnny Cumb lately.
In 2016, I was saying that.
And I was saying that what Donald Trump does, the silver lining of a guy like Donald Trump being elected president is we're now going to know the horrible stuff that our government has been doing all along.
So Barack Obama had been caging immigrants.
Now everybody knows about it because Donald Trump is doing it.
Before, they didn't care.
So that theory has been proven right again and again.
So here it is one more time.
And I have a prediction, by the way, for immigration.
Donald Trump will deport less Mexicans than Barack Obama.
Well, let's see how I did on that prediction.
Jacob?
Nika, I will never forget when President Trump, then candidate Trump, said to both you and Joe he was going to create a deportation force and deport millions of people.
But the truth of the matter is he will not even come close to deporting the amount of undocumented immigrants that his predecessor, President Obama, did.
That's because of a lack of cooperation from local law enforcement.
He's what?
He's not even going to come close to the deportation of Hispanics that his predecessor Barack Obama did?
Huh.
And why is that?
Obama did.
That's because of a lack of cooperation from local law enforcement, including in places like right here in Los Angeles.
Wow.
So now the local cops are aware of Donald Trump's nefarious immigration and oppressive immigration policies, very much like Obama's.
And so now they're stopping it.
Isn't that interesting?
Donald Trump was basically not doing anything different than Barack Obama, except now everybody's aware of it.
And as I predicted, he didn't deport as many as Barack Obama, not even close.
So you can see this is Jacob Sobarov doing great work on this.
He says you can, by the way, full, what a great head of hair that guy has.
You can see clearly here that Trump won't even come close to Obama when it comes to first-term deportation numbers.
Well, here the numbers are.
So in 2009, Barack Obama deported 389,834 immigrants.
In 2017, Trump deported 226,119.
So that's a difference of somewhere around 160,000, right?
That's close.
I'm not a math surgeon, but that's pretty close to 160,000, right?
So, and it just, and then this year he's at 178,000.
Barack Obama in his last year did 409,000.
I mean, in year 2012, Barack Obama did 409,000.
Trump's at 178,000 at the end of October.
So it doesn't look like he's going to even come close to catching Barack Obama.
Not even close.
He's not even at half of what Barack Obama did in his last year of his first term.
Are you telling me Barack Obama was worse on this policy about immigrants than Donald Trump and Joe Biden?
And so what Al Gore would call this is an inconvenient truth.
Trump deportation did not reach yes, we can numbers.
Isn't that kind of amazing?
And ICE spokesman told me Trump's inability to deport more people in Obama is due in part to the local law enforcement refusing to work with ICE, like here in L.A. The majority of deportations come from cooperation with state and local law enforcement.
Well, here he is.
He goes into the jail.
Watch this.
One reason President Trump hasn't been able to deport more people than President Obama is some localities are ending the practice of handing over undocumented inmates to ICE after they serve their time, including Los Angeles County Jail, the world's largest.
There used to be a big TV screen here.
It had the name of every inmate, the charge, and everything.
And so ICE was here in uniform.
Pick a mouse fishing a barrel?
Yep, like fishing in a barrel.
And so when I got here December of 2018, this is my first stop on the job.
And I saw the ICE agents here and I said, that's it.
They need to leave.
Twice since our tour of the jail, ICE has staged high-profile raids across the country, including in Los Angeles, arresting over 100.
But President Trump is still a long way away from his goal of deporting millions.
And from inside ICE's former office in L.A. County jail, you understand why.
It's sad that we participated in that for so long.
When you look at Obama being criticized for being the deporter-in-chief, this had to contribute to those numbers.
Yes, this Was part of it.
Yes, definitely.
And now that Trump is president, he's aware of it and they're not doing it.
So when a black guy with a Muslim name turns into an authoritarian fascist right-winger, nobody notices because he's a black guy with a Muslim name.
You wouldn't expect him to be a right-winger authoritarian.
And he was.
And now we're now, so Barack Obama was a wolf in sheep's clothing.
And so he got to do all that stuff, which led us to electing Donald Trump.
But Donald Trump isn't allowed to do that because he's a wolf in wolf's clothing.
And imagine how bad Barack Obama had our immigration system when we had to count on the morality of the prison industry to stop it.
And they are.
That's what he did in L.A., that's what that sheriff just said.
Think about how sad that is.
That we had to, Barack Obama's immigration policy was so nefarious, so evil, so oppressive that we have to now rely on prison, the prison industry to be a check on it.
That's what that was.
It's sad we participated in it for so long, he says.
It's very true.
It's also sad we're the world's largest penal colony.
I'm counting the day.
So here's Mark Hamill.
So this is exactly what I'm talking about.
So this is why I said Hillary Clinton would have been worse because those numbers would have been way higher of deporting Hispanics.
Do you understand now?
Again, I'm the dumbest guy doing a news show, and yet somehow I get almost everything right.
And everyone else getting everything wrong over and over and over again.
How the fuck did I know this?
How did I know this in 2016?
Literally a nightclub comedian and the people whose entire life is doing this kind of work and studying this had no idea.
And they're still just as dumb today as they were in 2016.
Instead of preparing everybody for the horribleness that is Joe Biden, they're making sure everybody gets behind him to elect him.
And then what are they going to do after Joe Biden is elected?
This is what they're going to do.
I'm counting the days until this election is over so I can try to ignore politics and go back to tweeting showbiz trivia, toddlers laughing and heartwarming animal rescue videos like this one.
Yeah, you mean while 80% of the country works paycheck to paycheck?
You mean why 30 million Americans don't have health care and 80 million Americans are underinsured and 600,000 Americans go bankrupt just by getting sick every year?
You mean you're going to go back to that?
Because you're rich and you're white and you're privileged and you don't have anything that you want government to do for you.
You just don't like that Donald Trump is a moron on television every day.
It makes you feel goofy inside.
Makes you feel icky.
You don't really give a shit about people's problems or Hispanics being deported or women's right to choose or people having a decent job or not killing brown people in poor countries.
You don't care about any.
He doesn't care about anything.
He cares about Donald Trump, makes him feel icky.
In the meantime, Screen Actors Guild is taking away everybody's health care.
In the meantime, Stephi, what a great point.
In the meantime, all your actor friends just lost their health care, but you're going to go back to not talking about that stuff, right?
Because it's not going to be a Republican doing it.
You on-purpose tool.
This is like, why don't you just put it?
Why don't you just tweet out?
I'm an out-of-touch fucking asshole, and I couldn't give a shit about my fellow man one bit, but I'm going to virtue signal because Trump makes me feel icky.
That's what he should have tweeted.
Yoda says, paying attention to what's actually going on in the world, you don't.
I can't do a Yoda voice.
Guys, can we please take a second and remember the mediocre actor who got the gig of a lifetime and hasn't had to worry about money for over 40 years?
He misses cat videos.
So I can try to ignore politics.
So someone's responding.
So I can try to, they're responding to this idiot.
Liberals telling you that as long as Trump isn't president, they're going to go back to sleep and literally ignore politics.
They don't want to hear about it when it's liberals destroying the country and won't be pushing Biden anywhere.
Way to go, blue check Beth.
If Hillary was president, we'd be at brunch.
Not only is this sign completely tone deaf, it doesn't even look right.
It looks like it says we'd beat Brunch.
Doesn't it?
Yes.
Like, what is there?
A country named Brunch Hillary wants to invade or something?
What do you have to say regarding the former president of Brunch?
We came, we saw, he died.
Obama administration had built cages for immigrants.
The padding in those cages brought to you by Hope.
Here they are.
Here they are and sleeping in tinfoil.
Tonight, Rachel Maddow went on one of, this is from Sean King, by the way.
Not exactly a right-winger or a centrist.
Sean King says, tonight, Rachel Maddow went in on the horrors of the real Donald Trump caging children, except the photos she used were literally of the Obama administration caging children.
It's something Democrats just refused to come to grips with.
This is why you have Trump, and this is why we're going to have a worse Trump in four years.
Because Democrats will not come to grips with the cause of Donald Trump.
And it was Barack Obama and Joe Biden and the Democrats legislating and governing like right-wing Republicans because they are.
They're corporatists.
Barack Obama's entire cabinet was chosen from an email from Citigroup.
I bet you didn't know that either.
Please don't do that.
Walter Bragman's talking to Mark Hamill about going back to sleep.
He says, please don't do that.
We're still facing catastrophic climate change, staggering inequality, a homeless crisis, which will certainly get worse.
A U.S.-backed genocide in Yemen need prominent voices to help push the Democrats to act bigger in the face of these issues.
Nice.
But that would come...
I hear what you're saying.
I share your sentiment, but that would involve coming to terms with the fact that they need to change.
They don't think they don't see any neat reasons, especially after they beat Trump.
Listen, Luke, I've got some bad news for you.
Both Republicans and Democrats are part of the empire, and that's the flipping problem.
Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi are not part of the rebel alliance.
If you want the light side of the force, you're going to need to leave your mansion and attend a protest.
That's what I would say.
Liberals sowing.
This is great.
Liberals reaping.
Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
So there you go.
I'll play it one more time just because it's such a good clip.
You know, it's a great clip.
And I have a prediction, by the way, for immigration.
Donald Trump will deport less Mexicans than Barack Obama.
Jacob.
Nika, I will never forget when President Trump, then candidate Trump, said to both you and Joe he was going to create a deportation force and deport millions of people.
But the truth of the matter is, he will not even come close to deporting the amount of undocumented immigrants that his predecessor, President Obama, did.
that's because of it Jimmy Doerr doesn't know what he's talking about.
Jimmy Doher, he is uninformed.
Jimmy Doher has, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Go listen to those people tell you to vote for Joe Biden.
Go listen to those people to tell you the Supreme Court is so important that the Democrats won't even delay it for 20 days.
That's how important, that's how important the Supreme Court is.
The Democrats that they tell you to keep voting for that are so different from the Republicans won't even delay the Supreme Court nominee for 20 days.
Go listen to those shows.
Please go listen to those shows tell you Bolivia, the wrong shit about Bolivia, 100% wrong about Venezuela, 100% wrong about Syria.
What do those people get right?
Nothing.
Yet, I guess they're considered lefties because they're for Medicare for All.
But they're not even for that.
There it is.
Predicted by Jimmy Doar.
And now, if the Democrats, what I didn't predict was that the Democrats would be so horrible and the media would be so corrupt that they would spend four years talking about Russia instead of how we got Donald Trump.
I did not predict that.
I did not see that coming.
I thought they were going to drop the Russia stuff after the election.
Oh, boy.
Was eyes.
So, yeah, I got that wrong for sure.
I did not see the Democrats, their supporters, their supporters in the media and YouTube and everyone.
I did not see them being as horrible as they are.
I did not expect YouTubers to go along with Russia Gate, but they did.
A lot of them took the cowardly way out, never even talked about it.
That's a pretty cowardly thing to do.
But we stick our chin out here because why?
Because I'm not looking to get a job at MSNBC or CNN or the Washington Post.
Really?
You don't have a contract with the MSNBC?
I have to ask it, Jimmy.
I do not, and I'm not looking for one.
And I already, I already was, I'm a success in stand-up comedy.
I already got my bona fides, already made my living.
I already did my thing.
I already became a success as a stand-up comic.
Had two stand-up comedy specials on Comedy Central.
One of them was award-winning, chosen best of the year by iTunes and Punchline magazine.
And then I went on to have another special on Hulu.
So three specials.
I think that's three rings.
And by the way, they all stand up.
They all hold up.
You can watch any of you.
You can go back to my first special on Comedy Central from 2003.
Solid.
Still solid.
And by the way, that's 5'10, Jimmy.
You can go back.
So you go see me when I was extra tall.
Go back to that.
You see Jimmy Darrell.
You go, wow, Jimmy Doher looking slanky.
What is that?
Is that a word?
Slanky?
I like it.
It's a new word.
Lanky.
Maybe lanky is what I was looking for.
Lanky's usually not.
Slim and lanky.
Lanky.
Lanky, they, yeah, slanky.
It's usually not using a.
I think lanky is not a good compliment.
But anyway, so that's why when I come to this, I don't, I'm so easy to outdo everybody.
That's why I was able to go into the studio at the Young Turks and tell the truth about Russia Gate and Venezuela and Syria with ease while everyone else was struggling to get those stories right and actually getting them all wrong.
And here's another one I got right while everyone else was getting it wrong.
Remember I said that at what Trump is going to put the ugly face on the horrible stuff our government's been doing all along, and he has.
People are aware of this now.
That's why Trump isn't able to deport as many people as Joe Biden.
But wait, as soon as Joe Biden becomes president, I wonder, I wonder he's not going to, he's not getting rid of ICE.
I bet he ramps it back up.
I just want to sit here and play this tape over and over all day.
I didn't want to do another story.
So you know what happened to the CNN legal analyst and a guy who works for the New Yorker, Jeffrey Toobin?
He's a very unremarkable guy, but he got caught jerking off on a Zoom meeting.
He's at work.
You can't wait till work's over.
So anyway, I thought the funniest way, the funniest guy who covered it was this guy in Southern California in Los Angeles.
Watch how he got, watch this.
Watch this.
My cautionary tale.
Start this morning with a cliche.
Cautionary tale.
You know how everybody likes to jerk off at work.
My cautionary tale.
Start this morning with a cliche phrase.
I suspect many people in the media were saying to themselves yesterday, there, but for the grace of God, go I. There, but for the grace of God.
A lot of people in the media, because you know how we all jerk off at our Zoom meetings.
What is he saying?
That's what he's saying.
Yes.
Oh, a lot of people in the media say there but for the grace of a cautionary tale, start this morning with a cliche phrase.
I suspect many people in the media were saying to themselves yesterday, there, but for the grace of God, go I. The particular career-killing act we're about to describe isn't something that just anyone would do.
But the idea, it's just something that anyone would do.
Well, it sounds like it.
If you're saying there, but for the grace of God goes I, that doesn't sound like just anyone would do.
Well, that's what you're making it sound like because that's what he's like going, oh my God.
What this guy's doing is like, when he heard that story, he's like, oh, my God, that could be me.
All the crazy shit I do.
Acute in 2020, that you can have an absolutely great career and have that career almost immediately and entirely derailed by a single really stupid action.
Just because you took your dick out at work and started jerking off in front of a group full of people.
You could have a great career.
And just because of one little thing, like taking your dick out in front of everybody at work and jerking off.
What?
Really chilling.
Consider the case of Jeffrey Toobin, a deeply respected writer and television commentator.
Deeply.
First of all, he said it's really chilling.
Yes, absolutely, great career.
And have that career almost immediately and entirely derailed by a single, really stupid act is really chilling.
It's really chilling that you could ruin your career by taking your dick out in front of all your co-workers And jerking off.
That's chilling.
I would think that would just be logical.
That would be expected that you're going to ruin your career if you're at a business meeting and you take your dick out and start jerking off in front of everybody.
I'm just thinking that that's logical.
Again, I'm not saying that I wouldn't take my dick out and jerk off during a business meeting at all.
I probably would.
But as a goof, but as a goof.
Consider the case of Jeffrey Toobin, a deeply respected writer and television commentator.
Deeply, deeply respected.
Come on.
Deeply respected.
Deeply.
Until yesterday served regularly as the on-air chief justice correspondent for CNN.
What really amazes me is the Jon Thunes, the Susan Collins who say the president has learned his lesson.
No, he has not.
No, he has not.
He is going to do this again.
He said he will do it again.
And the idea that there is some chastening here is absurd.
Chastening.
Toobin has been a fixture on CNN for decades.
And this story shows.
First of all, you know, the guy who picked that clip had a sense of humor because there's Jeffrey Toobin saying he's not going to change.
It's not going to date.
And he made sure to have a clip where you can see Toobin's one hand.
Ah.
How he remained firmly placed among the media elite.
Imagine this: a top-tier Zoom call.
People on the call, some of the biggest writers from the most respected magazine in the country.
Toobin is on a call with colleagues from the New Yorker.
Now, what?
Listen to how he Toobin is on.
So they go to a video, and as they go to video of Zoom calls, the reporter says, Toobin is on a Zoom call.
So you think this is Toobin's Zoom call?
That's the way that, but it's not.
It's just B-roll.
It's just based, it's just generic footage of Zoom calls that they decide to stick into the story because somehow B-roll, people think B-roll makes news more interesting.
It doesn't.
I can't follow this story unless you have it at Zoom call.
Why don't you have a video of a Zoom call?
Because I couldn't ever imagine what that is.
So watch what happened.
Immediately, he starts to do this.
It confuses even his colleagues, and they interrupt him.
Watch this.
People on the call, some of the biggest writers from the most respected magazine.
Listen to how he says it.
Toobin is on a call with colleagues from The New Yorker who are playing some of the.
Rich DeMiro was on there.
No, no, these are just Archie.
His kids are planning some special election coverage.
He's like, his kids are on the Zoom call.
Why are you showing them?
No, no, no.
This is just generic Zoom call.
Well, that's confusing.
Why would you do that?
Because a producer had to justify their job.
I'll be putting some B-roll here.
It's just confused people.
All right.
So.
From the most respected magazine in the country, Toobin is on a call with colleagues from The New Yorker who are playing some of the.
Rich DeBiro was on there.
No, no, these are just Eric's.
He's planning some special election coverage along with not only folks from the New Yorker, from New York City's premier public radio station, WNYC.
All told about 20 people are on the Zoom call.
There's some breakout rooms.
Speaking of breaking out, according to press reports, at some point, Toobin engages in an intimate act.
Speaking of breaking out, he breaks out his dick.
Speaking of breaking out.
And watch how they describe masturbation on a morning news show in LA.
Watch how they describe it.
Out according to press reports, at some point, Toobin engages in an intimate act of self-gratification, seemingly.
An intimate act of self-gratification.
And aware that an intimate act of self-gratification.
That's how they described it.
Daddy, what's an intimate act of self-gratification mean?
It means jerking off.
It means he was jerking off.
Oh, an intimate act of self-gratification.
Jerking off.
Zoom cameras on.
For his part, Toobin calls the incident an embarrassing and stupid mistake.
New Yorker has suspended the longtime writer.
Toobin himself asked to be taken off the air at CNN while he deals with a quote personal issue.
Toobin himself has to be taken.
Hey, look, I'm such a good person that I'm going to, I need to go.
Obviously, I've got some problems that I've had my whole life and I'm never going to correct.
I'll say, what happens to Toobin now?
His best-selling book about the O.J. Simpson trial, The Run of His Life, was the basis for the star-studded FX movie.
Toobin had other books in development for Hollywood Productions.
And as you can imagine, this has received huge headlines all around the world.
And the question may you can imagine it's received huge headlines.
I mean, it's looking, I mean, like a 10-inch headline.
Am I right, ladies?
Did you see how big that headline is?
People are asking, especially in this climate, can Toobin's career survive?
It is one of the fastest and furthest falls one can possibly imagine.
So will this staple of the media, both in print and broadcast, vanish forever?
Or is there some path back?
It's impossible to rank these things.
There's another CNN colleague who had a deeply embarrassing and public scandal who reestablished his career and is on the air today.
For their part, New Yorker says they're conducting.
They're talking about Brian Williams.
Leaning in.
They're talking about Brian Williams, who got caught lying about his war record.
And he was exposed, too.
Karen's on the air today.
For their part, the New Yorker says they're conducting a complete investigation.
The New Yorker is conducting a complete investigation.
Exactly what that is.
What does that investigation look like?
I'm the investigator, Jeffrey.
Let me see your hand.
Let me see the other side.
Let me see the other hand.
Okay.
Are these other hands that you were using when you were on the Skype call?
These are?
Okay.
Investigation over.
What are they investigating?
Are these the hands you were using that night?
They are.
Okay.
They're going to do a full investigation.
Yikes.
Can you drop your pants, please?
I need to see the headline.
We're going to need a smaller headline.
But now I think what we have now is we might have to switch the double CK to Louis.
We have a graphic for the double CK.
You know, Louis C.K.'s famously also had a career.
He's not over.
He still tours.
So he had some damage done to his career when he was revealed that he would sexually masturbate in front of women against their will.
And so we started that when someone is being extra disingenuous, you go like this.
When it's someone's extra, I give a double CK.
And guess what?
Just as Jeff Bezos, he's going to give you the double CK.
That award this week goes to Jeffrey Toobin.
Our double CK award goes to Jeffrey Toobin.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay.
All right, and that is our Jeffrey Toobin story.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Barack Obama's on the line.
Hello.
Hi, Jimmy.
I'm reaching out to offer my thoughts, prayers, and support for the recovery of the president of the United States and the First Lady.
Yeah, they already recovered, Barack.
See?
Thoughts and prayers do work after all.
They are an important subset of hope.
Or maybe it was 13 doctors and millions of dollars in experimental drugs and therapy that did it.
You ever think of that?
And that's why I support Joe Biden.
I mean, Joe Biden.
Hey, Jimmy, can you hear it?
Hear what?
Here comes Obama.
Joe Biden is going to put your car in verse, turn back the Obama meter, and get America back to a town called normalcy.
Are you ready for the ride of your life?
Well, pull up your damn trousers and get in.
Hey, you know there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkomedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written by Ron Placone, Mark Van Landowitz, Steph Zamorano, Jim Earle, Mike McRae, and Roger Rittenhouse.
All the voices performed today by the one and the only of the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
That's it for this week.
Let you be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Don't freak out.
Do not freak.
Do not freak out.
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