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Sept. 24, 2020 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:02:20
20200924_TJDS_20200924_Podcast
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Time Text
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hi, who?
Hi, who's there?
Jimmy.
Yeah?
Listen to my voice.
This is very important.
Time is of the essence.
Liam Neeson.
Liam, is that you, buddy?
Yes, but you might not know it, but just from looking at me.
You see, I'm in character.
Do not be alarmed.
Why should I be alarmed?
Good question.
You may have noticed lately that I look frail and gaunt.
That I sound frail and gaunt.
Are you ill?
Don't let that fool you.
I am frail and gaunt.
Are you ill?
Are you not feeling well?
What's the matter?
If by ill, you mean dedicating my life to my craft, then sir, call me ill.
Jimmy, I hear sounds.
I sense that you are not alone.
Yeah, I'm doing, I'm in a room.
We're doing a live audience show.
All right.
I want you to listen to me very carefully.
All right.
Go to the next bedroom.
Go under the bed and tell me when you're there.
Uh.
Okay.
I'm there.
Now, the next part is very important.
You're going to be taken.
Taken?
Yes.
Taken by the warmth and good nature of a wonderful group of people out to experience quality, wholesome live comedy in a comfortable environment.
Okay.
I don't know who they are, and I don't know what they want.
Other than a fine selection of beverages and delicious food items off an impressive menu.
But what I can tell you is that I have a very particular set of skills.
Skills they have acquired over a very long career.
Skills that might make me a nightmare for people like them.
Really?
Yes, Jimmy.
I've been doing improv.
Really?
You've been doing improv?
Yes, Jimmy.
I'll be doing a guest appearance tomorrow night at the Bakersfield Flappers with the Improvaholics.
The Improvaholics.
They've been delighting and surprising audiences with a completely new show every night.
Wow.
I did not know that Liam did not.
You probably also didn't know they used to call themselves Barrel of Monkeys, but had to change the name.
Why did they change the name?
Because it sucked.
Why the hell do you think?
Nobody wants to see anybody calling themselves Barrel of fucking monkeys.
I mean, it's a goddamn travesty.
So the name Improvaholics, that means that they're really addicted to improv.
Is that what that means?
But mostly it means they all have a chronic drinking problem.
What's our motto?
Having fun is serious business.
Hey, Jimmy, sorry to cut this short, but I have to go.
Okay, well, can you let us know where you're going to be performing?
Got any gigs coming up with the improvaholics?
If you insist, but I don't have much time.
All right, well, just tell us real story.
Tomorrow I'll be at Snickers Snark Shack in Van Nuys.
Okay.
Carver's Laugh Culvert in Culver City.
Gary's Giggletorium and Scab Dropbox Center in Lodi.
The Tifa's Death Jam and Race Comedy Riots in Compton and shit shit shit in Shittsville just off the 134.
Okay, well, listen, Liam, I pre-I'm at the Triangle Funways Factory.
Oh my god, enrolling on the floor laughing.
There will be a raffle afterwards.
Then we got some one-ninters at Tontos, HaHa, Hogan, and Tempe.
Hogan's Tempe-Tonto in HaHa, Tempe's Hogan, ha-ha in Tonto, and ha-ha's Toto Tempi at Hogan.
All right, listen, Liam, thank you so much for coming.
I really have to cut this short.
Yeah.
But the week after that, I'm at Shem's Palace of Gluten in Berkeley.
Dr. Brown's abortion on demand chuckle cave and incest emporium at Kenny Buckport.
And I'm holding Michael Jackson's Penis Comedy Magic Club in Fredwood.
Then I'm at Mom and Dad are disappointed at me in my mind.
Florida ball flaps in Bend, Oregon.
Vagina's Oyster Hut in Eureka, and they just shot the president in Dallas.
Oh, that's a good club in Dallas.
Monday I am in remembrance of things laughed.
Slaughterhouse Type 5.
Moby's dick jokes.
The postman always sings twice.
The magnificent Laughter Sons.
Battlefield Mirth.
All's hilarious on the Western Front.
50 Shades of What the Hey?
King Solomon's Lines as I Lay Dying of Laughter.
Journey to the Center of the Morth.
20,000 Leagues Under the Glee.
The Grapes of Laugh.
The Telltale Hurt Our Hearts.
The portrait of who was that lady I saw you with last night.
And Crime and Punishment.
Wow, the crime and they're still open?
That club is still open?
Yeah, now I really have to go.
Mirth of a nations, Donkey Jokies, the Scarlet Laughter.
The brothers laugh your ass off.
The Great Laughspeats.
Everything you've always wanted to do about sex but were afraid to laugh.
The puns of August.
The laughter and the rye.
Then I'm at Bananas Bone Interface, but not associated with Barry's boner barn.
But you gotta choose, Jimmy.
If you work in Bananas Boner Base, but you can't work at Barry's boner barn.
I'm not saying it's fair.
I'm just saying that's the way it is.
Okay, I really have to go now.
On New Year's, I'll be okay.
Listen, that was Liam Neeson.
Liam Neeson, thank you, man.
Wow, he does a lot of good.
Establishment media sets of artists fighting.
Oh, good luck.
Bullshit we can't afford.
Life fomenting this.
Whoa.
Watch and see as the jet golf.
The median speeds and jumps the medium and hits them head on.
It's the Chimitor Show.
Chimitor Show.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Well, we've reached the 200,000 dead Americans mark on the odometer.
200,000 dead Americans.
You know, if this country were a car, we would have traded it in for one with Medicare for All a long time ago.
Hey, Mitt Romney wants the court nomination, the Supreme Court nomination to go through before the election.
Oh, I'm shocked that Mitt Romney wants the court nomination to go through before the election.
I was assured Mitt Romney was part of the resistance.
Oh, maybe John Kelly can save us.
Remember, this election, we are left with a stark choice.
Run to Canada or run to Greenland.
Did you hear Sizzler's restaurants?
This is true.
Another victim of the COVID economic downturn.
Sizzler's restaurants just announced they're filing for bankruptcy.
I guess they're pulling up stakes.
Nice delivery.
Hey, did you hear this week a grizzly bear killed a moose hunter in Alaska?
Now that's what I call judgment.
I think we found our next Supreme Court nominee.
Did you watch the Emmys?
The Emmys were on the sweet.
I'm not kidding.
They have the Emmy awards.
I should get an Emmy for not watching the Emmy Awards.
This year's Emmy Awards were so irrelevant, I almost gave it an ice bucket challenge.
Hey, remember when ISIS boasted that Americans will not feel secure even in their own bedrooms?
Remember that?
Well, we showed them now.
We don't feel secure even in our own minds.
Isn't that nice?
Surveillance state joke.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
The Supreme Court Justice Ruth Vader Ginsburg has died, and spineless Democrats won't fight for the Supreme Court.
Hey, Rachel Maddow, caught doing straight-up fake news once again.
Joe Biden blasts Bernie Sanders in an attempt to get votes.
And hacks at the Washington Post are reporting secret CIA document says Biden is a victim of Russia because they are stooges of the intelligence complex.
Plus, we have some classic phone calls from Harrison Ford, Liam Neeson, Vladimir Putin, Bernie Sanders, and Al Pacinos.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Door show.
I beat the socialists, Biden reminds voters worried about socialism that he won the party nomination, not Bernie Sanders.
I beat the socialists in a pandemic when it was deadly for people to go vote, and I told my supporters to go vote anyway and hid behind nationalism, and my party did everything they could to kneecap the socialists for the second time, and they succeeded.
That's what he means when he says I beat the socialists.
Joe Biden thinking he won that primary is like Donald Trump thinking he generated his own wealth.
Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden aimed to assure voters by pointing to the fact that he beat Senator Bernie Sanders in the primary.
Because, you know, what they say, gracious in defeat and in victory.
That's what they say.
That's why he's saying that.
Because, you know, he's gracious.
I beat the socialists, Biden said Monday.
That's how I got elected.
That's how I got the nomination.
That's right.
I'm the guy that all the 2020 candidates fell in line for and the media cooperated with to steal the nomination from the guy the people preferred.
I'm that guy.
Hey, Barack Obama wins the Democratic primary.
Released from his self-imposed neutrality, the former president will soon make the case for Joe Biden, and Biden has had trouble that Biden has had trouble making himself.
Much like Ringo and the Beatles, Joe Biden got by with a little help from his friends.
That's how he won the goddamn primary.
Barack Obama personally called Pete Budegig and all the other candidates and told them what the best dropout.
This is your power move.
This is when you have all your power.
Dude, I beat the socialists.
That's how I got elected.
That's how I got the nomination.
Do I look like a socialist?
Look at my career, my whole career.
I am not a socialist.
I like how he's standing in a warehouse that's full.
And you know what it's full of?
It's full of unused Biden-Harris signs.
Full inventory.
So here it goes.
Bernie Sanders says, I'm 79 and I'm angry.
If I were 18 or 20, I would be very, very, very angry.
Young people can transform this country.
We must do everything we can to ensure the vote in this election.
I don't know what Bernie's even saying at this point anymore.
I don't even know what.
Like, I couldn't write things to make him look dumber than he sounds.
I couldn't literally make up stuff to make him sound like a bigger cuck than he is.
He's the opposite of what is needed at this moment.
She says, I'm a Gen Xer, and I am very angry that Bernie is bending over backwards to get Biden elected while Biden's disrespected Bernie.
I beat the socialists as a cheap shot to win votes in swing states because Biden has no worthwhile policies to offer those people to vote for.
Correct.
Honestly, is there a bigger disappointment in the world than Bernie Sanders?
Personally, I haven't.
For me personally, there is not.
For me personally, there is not.
My dad punched me so hard twice, I pissed my pants.
Less of a disappointment than Bernie Sanders.
Punched me so hard, knocked me out.
I woke up in a pull of piss.
That's how hard I got hit by my father.
Less of a disappointment than this guy is.
Less of a disappointment.
Good way to alienate your former opponent supporters after that opponent has spent months trying to get them to back you.
Thank you.
Wow.
Wow, Joe Biden stabbed Bernie in the back.
Who could have seen that coming?
Bernie's been working his tail off trying to help Biden, and this is what he gets in return.
I don't see why any socialist should vote for Biden.
Bernie signed a unity pledge.
The rest of us did not.
Good old Joe.
It's almost like he's campaigning for the other Biden.
It always irked me how Bernie would incessantly call Biden his friend when Joe repeatedly stabs him in the back and chest.
The lack of self-respect from Bernie was my biggest concern.
When Biden was yammering about Bernie having nine super PACs, Bernie should have never let him off the hook.
He should have hammered him all fucking night over it.
And of course he didn't because Bernie Sanders' goal was not to win the nomination.
Bernie Sanders' goal was to remain in good status with the elite in Washington, D.C. inside the Democratic Party.
And he did it.
Of course, Joe Biden supported a Republican in a $200,000 speech.
That's true.
Joe Biden is a different kind of Democrat, the kind who lavishly praises Republicans who are fighting for reelection.
So he went and gave a speech to help the Republican beat a Democrat.
Thank you.
Thank you.
80% of Democrats support Medicare for all, though Joe Biden doesn't.
Yale study says Medicare for all would save us $450 billion, prevent nearly 70,000 deaths a year.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Look, if we get four more years of Trump, at least we know Bernie and Joe Biden will be tight.
And now Joe Biden.
Paul Ryan was correct when he did the tax code.
What's the first thing he decided we had to go after?
Social Security and Medicare.
Now, we need to do something about Social Security and Medicare.
It's the only way you can find room to pay for it.
I don't know.
Smiling like an idiot.
Hey, we're going to cut our social safety nets.
The richest country in the world is going to pretend we can't give health care to people.
When my own kid gets sick, we're going to go bankrupt trying to pay for it.
We're going to take a personal loan from Barack Obama to save my ass in my house.
I'm the one who set up this system that it's bankrupting me, and I'm still not going to help you.
That's what a craven fucking maniac I am.
I am.
Can you imagine being that big of a maniac?
I can't even imagine being this big of a maniac.
He's a bigger maniac than Trump.
Your own kid, you go bankrupt.
You set up the fucking health care system that bankrupts your own family, and you still don't want to fix it?
I would have to say, if there was a, if the healthcare system bankrupted Trump, I'm sure he would want to fix it.
I'm sure he'd want to stick it to those fucking health insurance companies.
Not Joe Biden.
Because Joe Biden is a shell of a human being.
He's not a real person.
He's just a cash receptacle.
And he doesn't even cash in.
He's such here.
Joe Biden going to tell you who his friends are.
Senator, we have a deficit.
We have Social Security and Medicare looming.
The number of people on Social Security Medicare is now 40 million.
People is going to be 80 million in 15 years.
Would you consider looking at those programs?
Age of eligibility, cost of living, put it all on the table?
The answer is absolutely you have to.
I mean, no, one of the things that my, you know, this is the Democrat advisors say to me is, whoa, don't touch that third.
Look, the American people aren't stupid.
It's a real simple proposition.
We have to do.
You and I were talking about Bob Dole earlier.
I was one of five people.
I was the junior guy in the meeting with Bob Dole, George Mitchell, when we put Social Security in the right path for 60 years.
I'll never forget what Bob Dole said.
After we reached an agreement about gradually raising the retirement age, et cetera, he said, look, here's the deal.
We all put our foot in the boat one at a time.
And he kids, he stepped like he was stepping into a boat.
And we all make the following deal.
If any one of the challengers running against incumbent Democrat or Republicans attacks us on this point, we'll all stay together.
That's the kind of leadership that is needed.
Social Security is not the hard one to solve.
Medicare, that is the gorilla in the room.
And you've got to put all of it on the table.
Everything.
Everything.
You've got to.
So you see his real friends are?
Republicans.
Bob Dole.
That's his real friend.
We're going to fight for, we're going to protect each other, right, as we fuck over America.
Yeah.
You know who his friends list doesn't include?
You.
Joe Biden says he may further increase military spending if elected.
I mean, you have to, because we couldn't possibly spend less on endless war, could we?
Because he'll always find money for the military, but not Medicare at Social Security.
He got to cut Medicare.
We got to increase the military.
We got to cut Medicare and Social Security.
Got to do it.
And he says it with this psychopathic glee in his voice, that it somehow makes him some kind of a good person, that he's telling you some truth.
We have to deny health care to people and security in their old age.
That makes me strong to screw over the most vulnerable people.
So everybody has problems they want politicians to address.
Turns out even rich people feel like they need representation in America.
You think I'm kidding?
Michael Joe Biden said yesterday that his campaign is Scranton versus Park Avenue.
Why is he going with this divide and conquer approach?
That's Trump's thing.
What about a message for all Americans?
MSNBC is so shitty that I even dislike their criticisms of Joe Biden.
Their criticisms of Joe Biden suck.
She's upset that he made some ridiculous pandering mention, a platitude of his hometown.
Of all the things to criticize Joe Biden for, giving a shout out to his hometown, definitely top of the list.
Do you see if you're a millionaire, what your priorities are?
This is what your priorities are.
Joe Biden, platitudes.
That's what you're upset about.
Not Joe Biden's policy, because she loves Joe Biden's policy, because nothing is going to fundamentally change.
I'm not.
Okay, here we go.
Michael, Joe Biden said yesterday that his campaign is Scranton versus Park Avenue.
Why is he going with this divide and conquer approach?
That's Trump's thing.
What about a message for all Americans?
I don't live on Park Avenue, but I live pretty close to it.
And you know how I got there?
Working my butt off.
He doesn't want my vote.
MSNBC sticking up for the few who really need it.
The highest tax bracket in America.
She's literally sticking to, when is she going to start taking care of the rich people?
When do we get ours?
When is government going to start working for the wealthy?
Why don't you come get my vote?
I'm wealthy.
What's government going to do for me?
Yeah.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha.
that.
She spent more time on a BS tweet from Joe Biden.
Hey, Joe Biden says, go vote for Trump, fat.
MSNBC.
That's okay.
Joe Biden, I'm from Scranton.
MSNBC, my pearls are clutched!
*laughter* Thank you.
Thank you.
Our media is so shitty.
I'm rolling my eyes at criticism of Joe Biden.
We need a government that works for all Americans.
So give us health care.
No, no, I mean the rich people.
You ought to see that again.
I do.
This is, come on.
Michael, Joe Biden said yesterday that his campaign is Scranton versus Park Avenue.
Why is he going with this divide and conquer approach?
That's Trump's thing.
What about a message for all Americans?
I don't live on Park Avenue, but I live pretty close to it.
And you know how I got there?
Working my butt off.
He doesn't want my vote.
Hey, if you're really rich in America, like she is, and you're not sure which politicians are looking out for your interests, I'll give you a hint.
ALL OF THEM!
ALL OF THEM!
In case you don't know.
This entire segment is like if an entitled Yelp review became a panel.
By the way, fascinating moment this AM on the trail when MSNBC host and former banking executive Stephanie Rule asked Bernie Sanders.
One might argue that Bernie Sanders does stand for that person who is struggling.
But what about the affluent person?
Are they welcome in your modern family?
This is a pattern of hers.
Her concern is not for the poor in America or the working class or people who have problems.
Her concern is for the wealthy who don't have any problems.
Are we going to take care of them?
What about the affluent?
What are you doing for them?
Like, she's affluent and she's not, how can we help other people who have less than us?
She's like, what are you going to do for me?
How can I get a little more?
Ask not what you can do for your country.
Ask what your country can do for you if you're really wealthy.
Won't someone think of all the millionaires?
Like even the most banal of empty platitudes signaling to poor people will get these people upset.
Even the most banal.
The most banal of empty platitudes signaling to poor people will get these...
He's not actually going to help poor people, Stephanie Ruhl.
Joe Biden isn't going to do anything.
Joe Biden put poor people in prison.
Joe Biden made it hard for people who were poor and bankrupt to declare bankruptcy.
Joe Biden kicked people who couldn't pay their mortgage out of their house in the middle of a depression.
Joe Biden is the enemy of poor people already, Stephanie.
You don't have to worry.
It's back.
By the way, it's backbreaking work to be married to a hedge fund.
She's married to a hedge fund manager.
You want to know how she worked her butt off?
She said she worked her butt off.
Let's go to her Wikipedia page.
Want to see how she worked her butt off?
By the way, her parents are Frank and Louise Rule, and she was raised in Park Ridge, New Jersey.
She is a graduate of Lehigh University, where she earned her bachelor's degree in international business in 1997.
As part of her major, she studied in Guatemala, Italy, and Kenya.
Rule returned to Lehi to give the 27 commencement address.
Now, she did work hard to be born into privilege.
In 2017, Park Ridge, New Jersey had a population of 8.9,000 people with a median age of 44 and a median household income of $106,000.
That's Park Ridge, New Jersey.
It has a median income of $106,000.
That's Park Ridge.
That's where she was born.
How about Soledad O'Brien?
She's upset too.
Soledad O'Brien.
Joe Biden says this election is Scranton versus Park Avenue.
Soledad O'Brien, or both.
New York City's Park Avenue is amazing.
No need to knock it.
Would be nice to have a president who sees every American as worth fighting for.
Thank you.
Hey, who's pledging to fight for the rich?
That's got who's got my vote.
That's Soledad O'Brien.
Again, born without a shame button in her brain.
I don't know what her mother did raising her, but whatever it did, Soledad Brian is missing the shame button.
She doesn't know that a normal person would feel embarrassment.
She doesn't know.
She doesn't have the ability to feel humiliation.
Can you believe this?
We need a president who sees every American as worth fighting for.
Do millionaires really need someone fighting for them?
What would you like them to fight for you for, Soledad?
What is it that you need from Joe Biden?
He's not giving you what is it?
More tax breaks?
What do you want from Joe Biden?
Soledad O'Brien, one of those people who blames movie stars for Trump's presidency.
Powerless movie star.
She doesn't blame the establishment or the people who give her or pay her, sign her checks.
Because this is how she thinks.
Could you imagine that being that fucking ridiculous on purpose?
Could you imagine that being that unaware that you're that ridiculous?
You're like a cartoon of a person, but for real.
You're like a cartoon.
Can anyone here explain to me what exactly Park Avenue investors are intrinsically vulnerable to and what kind of ruination they need defending from?
Good point, notorious hag.
Dave Anthony says, I want this movie to end with Soledad O'Brien fighting others for scraps of food under a freeway overpass.
Me too.
Wouldn't that be sweet?
See Soledad O'Brien fighting for food scraps underneath an overpass with other people because that's what she deserves.
If this was a just world, that's what would happen.
Hey, media figures completely melting down over Joe effing Biden and indulging in utterly mundane and superficial Scranton versus Park Avenue campaign rhetoric makes it crystal clear why they found Bernie Sanders so completely intolerable isn't that something yeah Bernie Sanders would talk about helping people who need help in America and people like Soledad O'Brien would melt down over it because she doesn't need any help in America so she doesn't give a fuck
those people.
But doesn't it make you wonder, Jimmy, what exactly does Park Avenue need?
What more do they need?
That's what we're asking.
What is the problem?
What isn't government doing for Park Avenue right now?
I guess Soledad O'Brien could not tell us.
She certainly could not tell us.
The Stephanie Rule took to the air to whine that Park Avenue lives matter.
Park Avenue lives matter.
During a time of unprecedented unemployment and housing insecurity for 50 million Americans is just perfect.
An MSNBC host whining that Park Avenue lives matter.
Ah, it's a t-shirt.
We should make that t-shirt.
Mike Timpson, please get on that and we'll make that t-shirt.
And then we'll sell it.
and then we'll give the proceeds...
of that t-shirt to uh you know stephanie rule in the 1% because so what's what Soledad O'Brien does not understand is that Scranton is his public position.
Park Avenue is Joe Biden's private position.
Hey, Joe Biden, senator of Delaware for four decades, created a tax haven for banks and drug dealers.
More corporations reside in Delaware than PPL?
What is that?
What is PPL?
Than people?
More corporations.
Well, there's more corporations.
More corporations reside in Delaware than people.
Is that a real fact?
I bet I wouldn't doubt it.
Biden's son Hunter was hired out of law school by MBNA.
That's also correct.
His bankruptcy bill hurt middle-class and working people.
Imagine Stephanie Rule getting the prep notes for that segment because they get the, you know, here's your next segment.
You're going to be upset that Joe Biden said Scranton versus Park Avenue.
Imagine you get that.
That this is our segment?
That's what we're supposed to do?
This is our segment?
Yes, this is your segment.
You're instructed to be upset that Joe Biden is splitting America by saying he's going to stick up for people who aren't in the 1%.
You got it?
Got it.
Does this go under the umbrella of journalism still?
It does?
Okay.
All right.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show: you become a premium member.
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You can do it by going to JimmyDoorCompany.com, clicking on join premium.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business, and it's a great way to help put your thumb back in the eye of the bastards.
Thanks for everybody who was already a premium member.
And if you haven't, you're missing out.
We give you lots of bonus content.
Thanks for your support.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy.
Yes.
Is this a cure phone line?
Sure.
This is Vladimir Putin.
How are you?
I'm fine, President Putin.
How are you?
I am doing how you say well.
Okay.
So, do you like the gift I gifted you?
What gift?
I didn't receive any gift.
Oh, but you did.
Yesterday, victory of Senator Ed Markey over Kennedy.
Huh?
What?
What?
For the first time ever, a Kennedy loses a race in Massachusetts.
How is this possible?
What caused such an occurrence?
Joe Kennedy was a flawed candidate and his youth and name ended up not influencing young voters.
No, no, no, no, no.
Must be more complicated and sinister than that.
Perhaps foreign interference.
Conspiracy theories are not needed to explain things that some of us saw coming a mile away.
The Kennedys are political dynasty.
People do not simply discard dynasty.
Well, looks like they do sometimes.
And I'm not buying that you had anything to do with that election or any other election in the United States.
Is that so?
Well, let's just say 2020 is going to be a very busy year for Vladimir.
Vlad will be busy.
Yes, you will be busy enjoying the fact that people are stupid enough to think that deeply flawed candidates cannot simply lose elections and that some nefarious cloak and dagger crap is at work.
I will control elections.
I choose leaders in America.
Me.
Oh, yeah.
How?
How do you do that, Vladimir?
Well, there are several ways.
One is memes.
Memes?
Yes, memes.
Memes that are mean to the person I want to lose.
We put these memes on the Facebook and ta-da, we have control of the election.
Yeah, you know, Vladimir, I don't think...
Local election control!
Look, Mr. Putin, Facebook is a cesspool of misinformation already.
If you actually think uploading a bunch of pictures with the frog guy constitutes election interference, I don't know what to tell you.
I got Ed Marquis elected senator.
I will get his Marquis elected president if I feel like it.
Inaugural speech will be all pickboxing.
Oh, maybe you got what I need.
Say hello to your new leader, King.
Okay, look, take this over to Rachel Maddow.
We're not buying this crap over here, okay, Putin?
Jimmy, please, let me have this.
I can't.
Sorry, Vlad.
Can't do it.
Americans paranoid that I can control their elections?
It's the best thing I have going on right now in my life.
Moscow is in lockdown, too, you know.
Quarantine.
It's starting to get to me.
Knowing that people are terrified of my power and reach.
It really helps, you know.
My therapist told me I should really try to hang on to it.
Your therapist encourages this?
Although sometimes I do worry that he is one of those, you know, yes men therapists.
I don't know.
Well, look, we're not your therapists here.
I'm not going to spread lies and misinformation about this like everyone else is.
Please.
No.
What if I make nice meme about you?
Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry.
Still no.
What if I promise not to poison you?
Can you just do that anyway?
Fine.
Federapus says I should chill out with that anyway.
By G. Me.
Oh, Daniel!
You got the hand.
But she says she's just a friend.
But she says.
I don't remember the lyrics.
I was very busy in 1989.
Okay, so I don't know if you heard.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg died, right?
And of course, that's Jill Stein's fault.
I'm pretty sure.
I think you're right about that.
Or someone else with even less power, Susan Sarandon, probably.
But guess what?
The Democrats' response to Ruth Bader-Ginberg's death should terrify Trump.
Why?
Does Trump not have a replacement in mind?
Because the Democrats might stand up to Trump.
Well, I guess there's a first for everything.
Do you really think that Trump should be terrified of the Democrats at any point?
Are you fucking crazy?
Yes.
Yes, it's CNN.
By the way, you want to see how scared Trump should be of the Democrats.
The Democrats cannot stop passing his lifetime appointment federal judges without a fight.
Monday night, the Senate Democrats voted for Trump's latest federal judges.
Here they are.
Ben Cardin, Tom Carper, Bob Casey, Chris Coons, Catherine Cortez-Mastro, Tammy Duckworth, Dick Durbin, Dianne Feinstein, Maggie Hassan, Patrick Leahy, Doug Jones, even more.
Joe Manchin, Chris.
All these people voted for Trump's.
Check out this list of winners.
It's so inspiring.
It has Doug Jones on it, the guy who barely won his race against a straight-up pedophile.
Joe Manchin, Joe Manchin, John Tester.
They're considered part of the alternative to the right here in the United States.
Joe Manchin.
These people are considered the alternative to the right in the United States.
Where else would they be considered an alternative to the right?
Nowhere else in the world.
Nowhere else in the world would these Democrats be considered an alternative to the right.
They are the right.
Pelosi says she will not leverage government shutdown to avoid Senate vote on court seat.
Thank you.
Asked if there was any way the Democrats could slow down Senate Republicans, Pelosi said Sunday, everyone to get out there and vote.
Thank you.
Translation, we will do absolutely nothing.
Now go vote for us and shut your mouth.
She will not leverage government shutdown to avoid the center vote.
She will not do that.
She's willing to hand away the Supreme Court.
Now, I'm sure that's supposed to be my fault or Jill Stein's fault again or Susan Sarandon or someone with even less power.
But it's not, someone who actually has power could do something about it, not doing it.
Let's hope that the president will see the light, Nancy Pelosi said.
So that's Nancy Pelosi just telling you straight up, I'm not doing a goddamn thing for you.
I'm not even going to pretend to oppose Donald Trump on this.
Barack Obama nominated Merrick Garland.
Almost an entire year went by.
They're going to get this done in a couple of weeks, and Nancy Pelosi is not going to do a goddamn thing about it.
You want to hear what she said about it on the news?
Watch this.
So this is what happens when this is what every once in a while you get a peek that, oh my God, she's a robot and her software was malfunctioning like that Westworld.
This is like Westworld.
10 states, as I said, on Friday, started their early voting the day that we lost Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
But to be clear, you're not taking any arrows out of your quiver.
You're not ruling anything out.
Good morning.
Sunday morning.
We have a responsibility.
We take an oath to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.
We take an oath to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.
What was that?
Hey, do you think it's still a good idea to have these demented old people as the leaders of the Democratic Party?
Yes, they do.
Thank you.
I really wish it was true.
I wish what Noam Chomsky said was actually true about voting.
It's not.
And everybody has that moment in their career, if you're in politics, where you vehemently disagree with something Noam Chomsky has said, and this is mine.
He's 1,000% wrong about this.
He has been for 40 years.
What is the evidence that this voting strategy gets you anything?
What is the evidence?
There is no evidence.
The evidence is it goes the other way.
If Joe Biden wins this election, things are going to get worse.
Do you know Nancy Pelosi didn't do anything for the people who got screwed over during this coronavirus pandemic?
The people who lost their jobs.
She didn't do anything for them.
Nothing.
They gave $5 trillion to the richest 1,000 people in the country, and everyone else has to go pound sand.
She's not giving you health care.
She's not giving you student debt relief.
She's not giving you a job.
She's not giving you a UBI.
Nancy Pelosi is fast, and she's not going to try to stop the Supreme Court.
Here's Dianne Feinstein on ending the filibuster and expanding the Supreme Court of the United States.
She says, I don't believe in doing that.
I think the filibuster serves a purpose.
It's not often used.
It's often less used now than when I first came.
And I think it's part of the Senate that differentiates itself.
Wow.
At this point, if you still think the Democrats are resisting Donald Trump, you probably still believe in Santa Claus.
It's like we need to have an intervention in America with the people who vote Democratic, who don't make a million dollars a year.
Dianne Feinstein.
So Nancy Pelosi says we're going to be completely useless.
Dianne Feinstein, Diane Feinstein says, so are we in the Senate?
Completely useless, the Democrats.
Dianne Feinstein makes Chuck Schumer look like Eugene Debs.
That's a good joke.
Nice writing there, Aaron.
Dianne Feinstein makes Barney Fife look like a warrior, unless, of course, she's fighting the left.
Want to see how Diane Feinstein, Diane Feinstein, who would take the gavel of the Judiciary Committee if the Democrats take back the Senate, is leaving open the idea of changing the rules to make it easier for Republicans to block Joe Biden's judges in 2021.
Wow.
So she makes Barney Five look like a warrior unless she's fighting the left.
Here she is fighting the left.
Here are some kids who care about the environment because they're going to have to experience it, not Diane Feinstein, who's going to be dead soon, who doesn't have to live with climate change.
These kids do.
And here's how she fights the left.
Can I go in and share this letter?
And we're going to do it all together.
Share it in front of Feinstein.
We're asking her to vote yes on the Green New Deal.
We are trying to ask you to vote yes on the Green New Deal.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
We have our own Green New Deal.
Some scientists have said that we have 12 years to turn this around.
Well, it's not going to get turned around in 10 years.
What we can do.
It just doesn't get turned around in 10 years.
You're looking at the faces of the people who are going to be living with these.
The government is supposed to be for the people and by the people.
And all of this is the same.
You know what's interesting about this group?
I've been doing this for 30 years.
I know what I'm doing.
You come in here and you say it has to be my way or the highway.
I don't respond to that.
I've gotten elected.
I just ran.
I was elected by almost a million vote plurality.
And I know what I'm doing.
She knows what she's doing.
I've been doing this for 30 years.
I know what I'm doing.
You come in here and you say it has to be my way or the highway.
I don't respond to that.
What do you respond to?
Donor cash.
That's what I respond to.
Not you.
Not people who have to live with the effects of my policy decisions.
I don't respond to that.
You have to butter her up so she saves the planet?
What?
You have to talk to me nice so I do the right thing.
What?
And you know, Jimmy, really quickly, Dianne Feinstein's net worth is $58.5 million.
She's going to die with that money in the bank.
That's what kind of a psychopath Dianne Feinstein is.
You know what she looks like?
She looks like she's sizing those kids up for stew.
That's what she looks like.
Diane Feinstein to a sixth grader, you say it's either my way or the highway.
Here's the highway.
There's the highway, Diane.
To the people who just realized that Dianne Feinstein is awful and not looking out for you, welcome.
You're going to start noticing more and more, and you can't unsee this stuff.
Trust me.
Well said, Ron Placone.
Well said, Rob Placone.
So there's the honest to God.
It's so disgusting what they're doing, what they're not doing.
Nancy Pelosi, I'm not going to help people who are hurt by COVID.
I'm not going to fight against Trump's judges.
We're going to all fast-track them.
Hey, where the fuck is Bernie Sanders?
How far up his ass is his head right now.
Unbelievable.
What a failure that guy is.
On purpose, failure.
He's no better than God.
Look at Nancy Pelosi.
He's propping that shit up.
Okay, every show.
It's the same show every day.
It's the same show every goddamn day.
It's the same show.
Hey, the Democrats are way worse than you thought.
Hey, there's only one party rule.
Here's more evidence.
Hey, the mainstream news media is a bunch of CIA puppets, which is why we're in perpetual war.
Every day you could do that story.
Oh, by the way, and your lefty media is horrible.
I could do that story every day.
Lefty media that not only does not debunk Russia Gate, cowardly doesn't do it, pretends that that's the responsible thing to not talk about Russia Gate, even if you're debunking it.
That's a transparent bullshit.
And then, not only do they not debunk it, they push it.
That's just garbage, lefty media.
There's nothing left in this country.
I could do that.
I mean, honest, it's just, that's why you see why I want to talk about spirituality.
It's the same show, and it doesn't, no one's changing.
No one's changing.
No one's fucking sick and tired of this.
I still go out and see executive producers of Hollywood shows telling everybody that you're a bad person if you demand something from Joe Biden.
100 million people in this country do not vote.
And Joe Biden is not trying to get any one of them to vote for him.
Why are you angry at Joe Biden that he's not trying to get more votes?
Because you are a fucking adult children of an alcoholic and you're a millionaire.
Because you don't need anything from Joe Biden because you're a millionaire.
And it doesn't make you a good person to virtue signal that you're voting for Joe Biden.
What it does is it makes you really a useful idiot and a tool on purpose.
But you don't care because you don't really care about poor people.
Thank you.
Or 80% of the workers in this country will live paycheck to paycheck.
Hey, everybody, there's a headline.
Here's the New York Times: how Republicans are trying to use the Green Party to their advantage.
This is the New York Times.
Do you need to see why the mainstream news media is garbage?
This is the New York Times.
This is straight up propaganda.
If the Green Party was as powerful as the corporate media makes them out to be, we'd have ranked choice voting around the country by now.
But they're not.
The Democrats are so weak.
They're afraid of a guy pulling at a 0%.
The GOP has sought to help Green Party candidates in previous election cycles to siphon voters from Democrats.
This year is no different, but it hasn't always worked.
If Democrats fought Republicans as hard as Democrats fight the Greens, There'd be no chance, even a remote chance, of replacing Ruth Bader Ginsburg before the election.
But the Democrats do not fight the Republicans the way they fight the Greens.
The Green Party is getting assistance from Republicans, claimed the Democrats, who featured 100 Republicans at their national convention a month ago.
The Democrats are more against the left than anything else.
They're not against Republicans.
They're against the left.
Did they have any Green Party people at their convention to try to get some of the Green Party people to vote for them?
Did they have any socialists at their convention to get some of the socialist events?
No.
Who did they have?
They had Republicans.
This New York Times hit piece is full of unattributed, unsubstantiated allegations of Republicans backing the Green Party.
Total slander like the Home Depot billionaire Bernie Marcus coordinating in efforts to support the Green Party are invoked without giving a single example.
That's from Michael O'Neill from the Green Party.
Without giving a single example.
Why?
Why does he not have to give a single example?
Because at the New York Times, if you just repeat something enough, it's automatically true.
Like Russia Gate, WMDs, Gaddafi, Syria, gas attacked, all that stuff.
Pennsylvania Supreme Court election rulings are big wins for Biden, and they're a huge lose for democracy.
So they're getting rid of choices on the ballot because the Democrats are afraid they're going to lose votes.
It's just like this is this kind of shit that they would claim Putin does.
But this is what the Democrats do.
I'm not sure how disenfranchising people is supposed to motivate them to vote for your party.
So do you think by kicking the Greens off the ballot, all those people who were going to vote for the Greens are going to now show up and vote for the Democrats or just kick them off the ballot?
Do you really think that's how it's this is their voter outreach is just called bullying them into submission.
Many Greens would have voted for down ballot Democrats and the Democrats just told them to stay home.
This is the Democrats doing this.
Imagine if this was this sounds like Russia.
Why is Russia doing this?
Correct me if I'm wrong.
By getting Greens knocked off the ballots in several states, it likely means those voters will just stay home.
And I assume this will only hurt Democrats down ballot.
Not sure I understand all this celebrating.
I'm with you.
MSNBC is celebrating this.
MSNBC people with MSNBC contracts are happy that the Democrats are fascists and they're limiting your choice.
That's the kind of stuff authoritarians do.
But there's a lot of people who claim they're left and they're actually authoritarians, which is why they seek out contracts with MSNBC, which is a huge corporation, invented a news network to fuck the left, to squelch them.
That's what MSNBC is.
But you see Democrats celebrating this.
This is exactly right.
You see YouTube hosts celebrating this.
You see it.
YouTube hosts celebrating less democracy.
How much money do you got to get paid to celebrate less democracy as a YouTube host?
I'm going to guess the steak dinner is all it takes to buy those motherfuckers.
A vote for us is a vote for democracy, the Democratic Party shouts as they sue Pennsylvania and Texas to kick the Green Party off the ballot.
A vote for us is a vote for democracy, the Democratic Party shouts as they sue Pennsylvania and Texas to kick the Green Party off the ballot.
In a real democracy, people shouldn't have any choice but to vote for the shitty candidate the Dems choose for you.
That's a real democracy.
The solution to this is for the Democrats to offer something to Green voters.
I don't think delegitimizing participation in democracy is a role that will have favorable outcomes.
If the Democrats understood irony, I think the first thing they would do is change their name.
Right?
The solution for this is the Democrats to offer something to the Green voters.
That's what I keep saying.
The solution to Biden and Trump being neck and neck and all these Hollywood blue check cunts fucking worried about Joe Biden might lose because I'm this powerful.
Why doesn't Joe Biden offer something to the 100 million people who don't vote?
It's because people have been beaten down.
People are lemmings.
They're willing submissives, which is fun sexually, but it's not fun politically.
You have to compartmentalize that off.
It's crazy.
Nobody will tell Joe Biden to go get a vote.
They'll go, why aren't you voting for Joe Biden?
Instead of, why won't Joe Biden go get your vote?
It's the exact opposite of how politics works, but this is the effect of Bill Clinton's Telecommunications Act of 1996, which took us from 50 giant media companies down to six.
And so now everybody has the same ideas in their head walking around the country.
That's it.
Nobody understands how politics works anymore.
Joe Biden is supposed to go get votes to win an election.
Hillary Clinton was supposed to go campaign in Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Michigan to get votes.
She was in Arizona and Texas.
You know what I like is when I find out, when I do, when there's a person who I find is being duplicitous, being a gaslighter and being damaging to the left, and they pretend to be the left.
So then I do a video about them.
And it gets a lot of views, right?
But then when I find out, so this will happen more often than you think.
When I do a video about somebody taking them down, exposing them, telling the truth about them, what will often happen, the first time this happened, I did this with my brother on the radio in Chicago.
I told a joke about my brother, who was a bit of a dick to me.
So I wrote a joke about him that was accurate.
And I did it on the radio in Chicago on his favorite radio station.
And I got a MySpace.
That's how long ago it was.
I got a MySpace from a guy who was in the car with him when he heard it.
And he said, my brother's face turned purple.
He said, I've never seen someone's face turn purple before.
So that happens once.
So that just happened.
So we did it.
We exposed someone recently, fake lefty.
And one of his best friends texted me yesterday saying, Boy, he's going nuts.
Whatever you did, you got under his skin because he is livid.
And so that's nice.
I figured he was.
I figured he was.
Oh, Bernie Sanders is calling in.
Hello, Bernie.
Hello, Jimmy.
I am calling to remind you, listeners, the next 100 days may be the most important 100 days in the history of our country.
All right?
Satisfy you?
So why don't you fight it out through the convention?
As I said from the beginning, this race has never been about me.
We must unite behind Biden to meet our greatest challenge.
Okay, I'll forget about Medicare for all and vote for Biden.
No, this isn't a cult, you idiot.
Think for yourself.
You're right.
I'll think for myself then.
No, don't think for yourself just because I tell you to.
I'm kind of confused now.
Of course you are.
And when you're confused, that's the time to unite behind Joe.
You won't back the delegate movement to include Medicare for All on the platform, but you are demanding the Senate pass a bill this week to expand Medicare for all.
What the fuck is your problem?
Yes!
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written by Ron Placone, Mark Van Landowitz, Def Zamarano, Jim Earl, Mike McRae, and Roger Rittenhouse.
All the voices performed today by the one and the only of the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
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