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July 23, 2020 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:02:55
20200723_TJDS_20200723_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is currently Secretary of Stating in Europe right now.
So let's see how things are going.
Papel Mr. Secretary.
Papell, Mr. Secretary, it's Jimmy Dore.
How are you?
Oh, hey, Jimmy.
I'm well.
I'm currently on a state visit in Europe to try to align our allies in the region with our interests with regard to China.
And I'd say it's going very well.
As usual, it's a game of 3D chess, but we're winning.
Oh, that's great.
3D.
That's great.
Where are you?
In UK, Germany, France?
Denmark, actually.
Denmark?
Well, of course, Denmark.
Denmark is, and always has been, one of our primary strategic allies in the North Atlantic.
I don't remember hearing that.
Jimmy, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
The history of DANO-American relations is perhaps the most fundamental pillar of our foreign policy initiatives for the past 150 years.
Is that so?
Well, of course.
Who did the U.S. purchase the Virgin Islands from?
Denmark.
The U.S. entered both world wars against Germany as allies in Denmark, which borders Germany to the south.
North America itself was discovered by Leif Erickson in 1000 AD, who was a Viking, which is like a real Denmark kind of thing.
Also, Hamlet is like a really famous play.
You seem to be clutching at straws here.
Oh, absolutely not.
And the custom, I'm here with our time-honored Danish friends getting a belly full of fricadella and aquavit.
Excuse me.
Fricadella and Aquavit.
What in the world?
Those are, respectively, pan-fried Danish pork meatballs and a hard liquor infused with caraway seeds.
The inside of my esophagus now looks like that thing they went through at the end of 2001, a space odyssey.
I'm an excruciating pain.
Secretary Pompeo, are you sure you're being straight with me about the reasons for this sudden diplomatic outreach to a tiny Nordic country in Denmark?
I mean, I don't know.
I mean, kind of racking my brain here.
I guess all the other, like, you know, they control Greenland.
But that's like, you know, that's not a big deal.
Ah, I see.
Gotcha.
The same Greenland that Donald Trump wanted to buy.
I mean, I guess.
I mean, is there more than one Greenland?
I mean, maybe.
It's a pretty generic sounding name to me.
I mean, I could see there being several Greenlands, you know, like Springfield.
Give me a break.
Okay, yeah, find that Greenland.
What is the obsession with Greenland?
Jimmy, it's strategic.
We're playing 4D chess here.
And it.
It involves China.
With global warming accelerating the melting of the polar ice caps and the Arctic waters becoming increasingly navigable, the question is who will control the Arctic and its oil reserves in the 21st century?
Russia, China, or the U.S. So your entire foreign policy worldview is predicated upon the admission that climate change is a massive threat.
Foreign policy, yes.
50-year projections by multinational corporations?
Yes.
Domestic policy?
No.
How can you work towards dealing with climate change internationally, but not domestically?
Okay, that is complicated.
That's 5D chess.
By the way, every time something gets more complicated, you just add a D to the chess.
I'm not sure if you picked up on that or not.
That you keep straining an analogy until it makes literally no sense.
Yes, I did pick up on that.
Okay, look, perhaps to a layman such as yourself, preparing for climate change looks like implementing domestic policies that would reverse or least mitigate warming trends, revamping infrastructure to handle rising sea levels, and Reading Society for Mass Migrations.
Yeah.
Well, okay, but you aren't privy to the dossiers and such that I have been prepared for me by oil companies, defense contractors.
Is that your fault?
You just don't know.
Yeah.
And it turns out we face climate change by shutting down the Chinese consulate in Houston as a meeting with chest beating measure and sending me up to Copenhagen to suck down pickled herring and watch old Victor Borg of VHS tapes to pretend he's laughed.
This is insane.
Our government's top climate change priority is ensuring access to more oil, which itself has caused the crisis to begin with.
Jimmy, I assure you it is not his safe at all.
Especially if you and your immediate family have an entire wig reserved at a doomsday bunker in the Sierra Mountains.
It makes perfect sense.
Good God.
Okay, look.
Anyway, anyway, I'm very busy.
I have to go.
I'm off to secure America's safety and security by visiting the home of famous storyteller Hans Christian Anderson.
Didn't he write The Emperor's New Clothes, a fable about a vain, stupid, and arrogant head of state who was tricked into exposing himself in front of his subjects?
Yeah, I guess a lot of that shit just doesn't hold up anymore.
Establishment media sets on its fighting.
So good luck.
Bullshit we can't afford fomenting this world.
Watch and see as a jack doll comedian speeds and jumps the medium and hit some head-on.
It's the Jimmy Door show.
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
Hey, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Trader Joe's, did you know Trader Joe's announced that they're eliminating their ethnically themed products?
Yes, they did.
Because of their offensive names.
Here's a list of the labels that they're currently changing.
Trader Gandhi's Untouchable Spicy Mahatma Sauce.
They're changing that one.
Trader Villa's Frida Collo clam cups.
Trader Jonah Piero Sierra's mission-style smallpox pops.
Trader Johnny Rebs Goober peas.
Trader Joe Riley's whiskey-flavored spud crunchies.
Trader Joe Smith's Three wives plum pie.
That's offensive.
Trader Joe Binowitz's pop-up schmata sponges.
Oh, my God.
Trader Geronimo's crazy horse scalp chips.
I'm glad they're getting rid of those.
Yes.
Me too.
That's offensive.
Yes.
Those are offensive.
Trader Joe Pollyon's French surrender salad.
They're getting rid of that.
Trader Joanne's Aryan whitebread.
They're getting rid of that.
Yeah.
They're also getting rid of Kaiser Joe's kraut sauce.
Oh, yeah.
So good for Trader Joe's.
Am I right?
Yeah.
Hey, there's a news story going around.
Did you hear about this?
There's a news story going around that Mark Zuckerberg, you know, of Facebook.
Yeah.
There's a news story going around that Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook was surfing with too much sunscreen on, and it reminded me how we're all going to die in poverty.
I graduated from electoral college, and all I got was this shitty president.
FedEx, when it absolutely positively has to be covered up overnight.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
The New York Times story about Russian bounties on U.S. troops completely collapses.
Shocking, or is it?
Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats enable Trump's federal goon squad while virtue signaling against them.
Yes, it's true.
Department of Homeland Security spreads lies about their own training, and Joe Kennedy makes a oopsie on nuclear missiles.
Plus, phone calls from Secretary of State Pompeo, Barack Obama, Jeremy Chuck Truber, and Joe Biden.
All that and lotlock more.
That's today on the Jimmy Doer show.
So, you know, Joe Kennedy.
He's running against Ed Markey.
Joe Kennedy of the Kennedy Klan, who is a fraud.
He's a Democrat in name only.
I don't know.
He's a Democrat.
No, he's definitely a Democrat, but he's not a progressive.
And he's not a representative of the people.
He's a representative of his donors.
So Joe Kennedy is a fraud, 100%.
And he pretends he's for you, and he's not.
And here's a good example.
Joe Kennedy, the third largest recipient of hedge fund money in the House, he has declined to back a bill to close a tax loophill for hedge fund managers and private equity firms.
His primary opponent, Ed Markey, has backed the bill since 2015.
So that's who Joe Kennedy is.
He's no John F. Kennedy.
He's no Robert F. Kennedy.
He's not even Ted Kennedy.
He's.
Right?
So Joe Kennedy is Newt Gingrich.
That's who Joe Kennedy is.
Joe Kennedy is a fucking fraud.
You want to know?
So this is legit.
This is Joe Kennedy's legit Twitter.
He has 809,000 followers.
Here's what he says.
Stephan Miles says, why on earth did Representative Joe Kennedy vote with Republicans to give Donald Trump the more usable nuclear weapons that he's disturbingly craving?
This is not how progressive champions should be voting.
This is Joe Kennedy's Twitter, official Twitter account says, you're right.
Meant to vote yes.
Oh my God.
This is a grown-up.
It was an honest mistake on my part.
There is no need for these weapons.
Keep up your advocacy.
I'm pretty sure the bare bones minimum, the bare bones minimum requirement for a politician is to know the difference between yes and no.
I'm pretty effing sure.
I love how he says keep up your advocacy.
Keep up your advocacy and I'll keep up my excuses.
Hey, here's a question, Joe.
Should everybody have health care?
Yes or no?
Ah, this is where I get confused.
I don't know.
Yes or no?
Hey, Joe, I'm going to vote for you.
Oh, wait.
I meant to say I would never in a million years vote for you.
Honest mistake.
Keep up your advocacy.
This is a bad...
You're right.
Meant to vote yes.
Honest mistake.
Oh, man.
I voted for imperialism again.
Ah, don't.
Do most people like true and false tests in high school, but not Joe.
Joe didn't like the true, false test.
He fuck it up every time.
I mean, who hasn't done the total opposite of what they said they meant to do when it concerns nuclear weapons?
Common mistake.
It's like forgetting your keys or something.
Oh, I voted for nukes.
Oh, boy.
I voted to give Trump usable nuclear weapons.
Oopsie.
Where are my keys?
I always forget my keys.
You know what I would say?
Hey, Massachusetts.
Don't make an honest mistake.
Vote for Ed Markey.
Here's what I actually said on Twitter.
I said, John F. Kennedy, the Cuba Missile Crisis.
Joe Kennedy, the clueless missile crisis.
Joe Kennedy, the clueless missile crisis.
Malcolm Fleshner comes through with a great joke.
That was the honest mistake joke.
That was him.
Look at Malcolm.
Okay, so there's your Joe Kennedy.
That's your Democrat.
This is your Democrats.
This is your Democrats.
There you go.
Ed Markey's also a Democrat, though, so he's not as shitty as Joe Kennedy.
Wow.
Like a grown-up really sat there and said, you're right.
Meant to vote yes.
Meant to vote yes.
Put it in writing.
Keep up your advocacy.
And I'll keep trying to remember how to vote when it comes to usable nuclear weapons.
You fucking.
So that's happening.
Unidentified federal troops are kidnapping protesters in unmarked vehicles.
Trump issued an executive order for the Department of Homeland Security, the DHS, to protect monuments and federal buildings.
So now there's Homeland Security and Border Patrol troops shooting and arresting unarmed peaceful protesters in Portland.
Because we all know there's so many Confederate monuments in Portland, Oregon to protect.
Here's federal troops taking potshots at protesters across the street.
Watch this.
Oh, my God.
Guy gets just got shot in the head by those guys.
By those guys.
Americans hired by the American government to shoot peaceful protesters in the head.
Now, what did they use a rubber bullet?
Look, rubber bullets are lethal.
They kill you.
Why is this happening?
How can Trump do this?
Well, he can do this because the Patriot Act created the Department of Homeland Security.
That's right.
We have an unconstitutional, indefinite military detention put into law.
The road to fascism is paved by neoliberal Democrats.
The Democratic Party leadership class helped make this moment.
How, Jimmy?
What?
Well, the Democrats, along with Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, the Democrats have been helping assemble an authoritarian toolbox for decades, but nobody calls them out.
But now Trump is doing it, and people are upset.
They, the Democrats, have been getting away with it for so long that Nancy effing Pelosi has the balls to tweet this out.
Unidentified stormtroopers, unmarked cars, kidnapping protesters, and causing severe injuries in response to graffiti.
These are not the actions of a Democratic Republic.
Department of Homeland Security's actions in Portland undermine its mission.
Trump and his stormtroopers must be stopped.
Pelosi voted for this.
Pelosi and the Democrats just reauthorized the Patriot Act two months ago.
U.S. Patriot Act of 2001 voting record.
Nancy voted for it with George W. Bush back in 2001.
And guess what?
She's voted for it all the way to Trump today.
Thank you.
Pelosi works hand in hand with the GOP to take away our civil liberties.
Pelosi works hand in hand with Wall Street to give them trillions while screwing workers.
That's not, by the way, that's not the Patriot Act that Pelosi is ripping up.
Pelosi is not the opposition to Donald Trump.
Pelosi is the enabler of Donald Trump.
Democrats are enablers for decades of future Donald Trumps.
And it's not just the Patriot Act.
How can the constitutional rights of U.S. citizens get violated?
Citizens being arrested and detained by unidentified federal troops without being charged?
Well, guess who you can thank for this?
Barack Hussein Obama.
What, Jimmy?
They don't tell me this on MSNBC, CNN, or any of the other YouTube channels.
Well, here's what the ACLU says: President Obama signs an indefinite detention bill into law.
President Obama signed the National Defense Authorization Act into law today.
The statute contains a sweeping worldwide indefinite detention provision.
While President Obama issued a signing statement saying he had serious reservations about the provisions, the statement only applies to how his administration would use the authorities granted by the NDAA and would not affect how the law is interpreted by subsequent administrations, the White House said.
So what that is saying is that Barack Obama knows that this is effed up because Barack Obama is a goddamn constitutional lawyer.
Barack Obama knows that this is effed up.
So when he passed this and signed it, he had a signing statement saying, I won't use it in a bad way, but I can't stop Donald Trump from doing that.
President Obama's actions today is a blight on his legacy because he will forever be known as the president who signed indefinite detention without charge or trial into law.
That's the ACLU's executive director.
The statute is particularly dangerous because it has no temporal or geographic limitations.
It can be used by this and future presidents to militarily detain people captured far from any battlefield.
Barack Obama made this possible.
The ACLU believes that any military detention of American citizens or others within the United States is unconstitutional and illegal, including under the NDAA.
In addition, the breadth of the NDA's detention authority violates international law because it's not limited to people captured in the context of an actual armed conflict as required by the laws of war.
Some people have been wondering why Joe Biden has been so quiet about what's happening in Portland.
Why would the Democrats' presumptive nominee be worried about denouncing constitutional violations on its citizens?
Well, maybe that's why.
Because on many occasions, Joe Biden took credit for writing the Patriot Act.
Much has already been made about Biden's instrumental role as a senator pushing through the 1994 crime bill, a bill that made the problem worse, according to former President Bill Clinton, who signed it into law.
Another potential sticking point, Biden not only voted for the 2001 Patriot Act, he on many occasions claimed credit for writing it.
The bill John Ashcroft sent up was my bill, Joe Biden said, referring to the Patriot Act.
The act broadened the surveillance capabilities of U.S. law enforcement agencies, and many of its provisions have been opposed by liberal Democrats and civil libertarians.
On another occasion in 2002, Biden proudly said not only that he wrote the 1994 Act, but Attorney General John Ashcroft called in to say it was basically the same bill as they were introducing.
Civil libertarians were opposed to it, Biden said.
Right after 1994, and you can ask the Attorney General this because I got a call when he introduced the Patriot Act.
He said, Joe, I'm introducing the act basically as you wrote it in 1994.
This is Joe Biden's world.
Thank you.
Thank you.
This is who is advising Joe Biden, the weapons industry lobbyists.
And this really gets me.
TV smart guy, Howard Feynman, doesn't understand what is happening.
Here's his tweet.
He says, I ask again, by what authority and at whose command are these Trump vigilantes on the streets of Portland?
There is no more urgent question in public life.
Seriously, 34,000 likes.
What authority, Howard?
Why don't you ask those Democrats in the MSNBC green room with you?
They gave Trump that authority, Howard.
But you'll never call them out because you, Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow, and the rest of MSNBC are a media protection racket for corrupt Democrats.
While the Democrats were doing political theater and wasting everybody's time with impeachment, they were simultaneously voting to expand Trump's military budget, renewing the Patriot Act for him, and voting in over 200 of Trump's federal judges.
Republicans and Democrats made this happen.
Democrats are frauds and hypocrites of the highest order.
And they think you and me are suckers.
That's in MSNBC says this is what's happening.
This is reality.
MSNBC says Republicans and Democrats are having a water gun fight.
In reality, Democrats and Republicans are using a water cannon to kill the working class.
That's what's happening.
And now you know the rest of the story.
Good day.
So this is news.
This is going to be news to all your friends.
It's going to be news to all my liberal friends in comedy, all my Democrat voting friends in comedy.
This is going to be news to them.
All my Democrat comedian friends who go, this Barack Obama, best president of my lifetime.
This is going to be news to them that Barack Obama did this and was warned not to do this by everybody, including the ACLU, and did it anyway.
And now when you see Trump sending goons into the streets, they're there because Barack Obama made it possible for Trump to do it, even though he was warned to not.
And Nancy Pelosi's funding those people without any strings attached.
Nancy Pelosi's funding the Department of Homeland Security without any strings attached.
And the Department of Homeland Security is who Trump is sending into cities to go arrest people unconstitutionally.
And Nancy Pelosi could stop it, and she's not.
And so I know this is going to come as news to a lot of other YouTubers, but voting Democrat is not a solution.
I know that's news to you.
I know probably all this is news to you.
That's why I have a show.
That's why I do this show.
So I can remind everybody what's really happening.
What's really happening in your country and what's really happening in your country right now is we are swirling down a fascist rabbit hole created by Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and Joe Biden and being implemented by Donald Trump and funded by the Democrats.
And there is no hope in sight.
There isn't a Democrat in power advocating and leadership advocating to give you help during a pandemic, to give you health care during a pandemic.
There isn't a leadership Democrat trying to stop Trump from doing this with the Department of Homeland Security goons.
There is no hope in the Democratic Party.
There is no hope in government for you.
And any other YouTuber or anybody telling you that voting Democrat is a solution to any of your fucking problems, now who's being naive, Kay?
They've been wrong about every goddamn thing so far.
Why would they be right about this?
They've been wrong about everything.
And exactly what I predicted in 2016, Trump is president.
And now everybody's aware that this is fucked up.
Hey, maybe the government shouldn't have this power.
Now everybody's aware of it.
Thank you.
Now everybody's aware of the horrible shit their government's been doing all along.
Hey, Donald Trump's putting immigrants in cages.
So is Barack Obama.
Trump is splitting up babies from their immigrant families.
So did Barack Obama.
Trump is gassing immigrants at the border.
So did Barack Obama.
And I guess they should feel honored that they were gassed by the lesser of two evils.
Hey, Trump's going to start kicking people out of their houses from Morgan's default.
So did Barack Obama.
Trump's Latin...
Trump is letting cops crack the head of peaceful protesters.
So did Barack Obama from coast to coast during Occupy Wall Street and Apple.
So that's why this show exists.
There is no opposition to Donald Trump, you sucker.
If you think Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi oppose Donald Trump, you are a sucker.
Who's calling out Nancy Pelosi to stop this right now?
Who?
Howard Feynman, Mr. MSWC, doesn't even know how the fuck this happened.
He has to come to YouTube so I can explain it to him.
I already smoked a bowl today.
I have to explain this to Howard Feynman.
President Obama's on the phone.
Hello.
Jimmy, wake up.
Did they see my appearance with the latest Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee fundraiser?
No, I missed it.
You didn't get the Zoom invite?
You just got $1,200 in disposable income, Jimmy.
You could have met me in the special post-webinar meet and greet.
I'm sorry.
We spent that money on food.
We served web advisors.
Use your imagination.
You should have seen me.
I was on fire.
Spreading the alarm to folks about other folks.
Now they need to come together and make the greatest challenge of our generation.
You say that in every speech, Barack.
But this time it's different.
This isn't like the you can keep your doctor's thing or the we gotta close Guantanamo thing.
This is for real.
Okay, what did you say this time?
Listen up.
I'm worried young activists have lost faith in voting and politics because of all the progress that has been made so far.
Something about John Lewis blah fucking block.
What about John Lewis?
What?
John Lewis is an example of why elected politics is important.
We need to honor the memory of John Lewis by replacing him with another moderate black guy who fought against free health care during a pandemic in one of the poorest states in the country.
And young activists have lost faith in politics because of all the progress that's been made so far.
Like what progress that's been made so far, Barack?
Me getting elected as a Democrat while governing as a Republican.
I got it.
Yeah.
That's a clear progression of progress.
Yeah.
Honor my legacy and pull up your damn pants.
What do you say to those who believe feds and unmarked cars snatching people off the street is part of that legacy?
I say get it together, guys.
I'm against it.
I support Chuck Schumer's new bill.
It requires federal officers to ID themselves before they drag you into Reddit SUV for a sadistic facial pulping.
Okay, that's a start.
And then toss you in jail with a fresh mass of COVID.
Right.
Yes.
For a few weeks without charges.
Uh-huh.
With your left eyeball hanging out of its socket after they take away your insulin.
Hey, if you're so against the Fed snatching Americans up in unmarked cars, why did you sign the National Defense Authorization Act that allowed it?
You know darn well, when I found an NDAA at a luxurious vacation resort in Hawaii, I had serious reservations.
Yeah, yeah, which were for the luxurious vacation resort in Hawaii.
I shouldn't get charged for trash in that room.
They promised me storage wars on the cable.
What about the NDAA?
Didn't you like?
The people could actually read it.
I really had faith that our schools were city on that.
Do you really think Joe Biden can win against Donald Trump?
He's leading Trump in the polls.
And to think, it only took 141,000 deaths to get there.
Those folks really gave their 110% at the time of crisis.
On the other hand, we got female motherfuckers in Portland showing up nude and using leaf blowers against our police.
Ladies, put the blowers down and pull up your damn body socks.
Take care, Jimmy, and see you at my next web fundinar.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show is you become a premium member.
We give you a couple of hours of premium bonus content every week, and it's a great way to help support the show.
You can do it by going to jimmydoorcomedy.com, clicking on join premium.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business, and it's a great way to help put your thumb back in the eye of the bastards.
Thanks for everybody who was already a premium member.
And if you haven't, you're missing out.
We give you lots of bonus content.
Thanks for your support.
That's Joe Biden calling.
I bet he's pretty happy about the poll showing him well ahead of Donald Trump.
Hello.
Hey, good news, Jimmy.
It's National Ice Cream Day.
Congratulate me.
For ice cream?
Fisher, get off the pot, you mullet-headed ninny chick.
Time for a showdown.
Test me.
Go ahead.
Test me.
On what?
Stop playing games, fat.
You know, that competitiveness test that Trump took.
Yeah.
Is this a giraffe or is this a rhino?
Or ask me to draw 10 past 11 on a clock.
It's a hard one because you also got to draw the clock face with all the decorations.
Those Mickey Mouse hands are not easy, my friend.
Those white gloves are really hard.
Okay, okay.
Here's one.
Repeat this sentence out loud.
Then name as many words as you can, starting with the letter F. Got it.
Then name as many words as you can, starting with the letter F. No, I haven't given you the sentence to repeat yet, Joe.
Fern.
Fudge.
Fern fudge.
Fudge, fern.
Pharmacy.
Pharmacy fern.
FFF.
How'd I do?
Never mind.
Look, Mr. Ropacho, let's get down to brass checks.
Here's why I'm here today in your kitchen.
I'm honored to announce that Dennis Kucinich is going to speak on my behalf at the Democratic Nation's Convention.
That's the thing where they all get together under a big dome and elect me president.
Get it?
The Dennis Kucinich?
Listen to me.
John Kitschy, Kachiki.
What's his name?
John Kaczynski.
John Kasich.
Oh, come on, man.
I know that.
Get off my back, Lord Bucket.
I have time for this large bucket stuff.
What do you mean when you say he's going to speak on my behalf?
What do you mean?
What is that?
I never said he's goring.
No.
Goring.
Where'd you get that one?
Stop that malarkey right now.
No, no, no.
He's going.
No, no, he's not goring.
He's going to speak on your behalf.
Stop yelling.
I know what I said.
And I never said he's goring to speak on my behalf for God's sake.
Gore's dead.
It's just some kind of game.
Why on earth did you invite a member of the Tea Party to speak on your behalf at the Democratic Convention, Joe?
Because we're a big 10, and John's a big guy.
Yeah.
He used to bully us at the pool.
They took this chain I had.
See, I told him.
I told him.
What did I tell him?
Oh, yeah.
He's going to attract all those coveted swing anti-gay marriage.
Let's crush the teachers' union voters.
But why John Kasich?
Henry Kissinger is booked on Colbert that night.
John is a kind of cadet.
Reach across the aisle to appeal to the youth of this country with his fracking and hatred for unions.
Time to get those white conservative voters energized.
I think you could leave that up to Donald Trump, right?
No, man, you shall get it.
We need to get the drop on Trump.
Chop the Trump.
Why should any Democrat trust you, Joe?
Don't be an asshole.
You need to wake up, Olama boy.
Why, I tell you, ice cream.
Now let's get to it.
So there are more manufacturing, consent, and fear-mongering is happening.
So now I want to cover this story real quickly.
Here It is.
So this is in the New York Times.
Russia secretly offered Afghan militants.
This is an old story from a couple weeks ago.
But there's a update to it.
So that's why we're going to, I've never haven't covered this yet.
We were on vacation.
But you saw this story when it hit, right?
Russia secretly offered Afghan militant bounties to kill U.S. troops.
Intelligence says they should stop calling it intelligence.
They should call it dumb agents because that is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard.
Russia has to pay Afghans to kill American soldiers who are currently occupying their country.
You mean the thing that the Afghanistans are doing for free?
Russia somehow has to pay them to do it.
Next, you're going to tell me New York Times headline, Chris Christie paid to go to a buffet.
You don't need to pay him.
He's already going.
This is the New York Times.
This is the New York Times.
This is the New York Times after doing this for four fucking years.
They're still doing this.
Do you understand how the entirety of journalism sucks horribly?
You understand how the entirety of it, this is the New York Times.
This is the paper everybody wants to work at if they're a journalist.
Oh my God.
This is this kind of shit they do on the regular.
And they never, by the way, they never take down bogus stories.
They never take them down.
The subheading on that is Trump administration has been deliberating for months about what to do about a stunning intelligence assessment that the Russians are paying Afghans to kill U.S. troops.
So I immediately tweeted out and I said, my jumping off point is always that the government is lying.
And the New York Times is repeating those lies to manufacture consent like they always do.
And that's exactly what they're doing.
And this is Sarah Abdullah.
She tweeted this out.
It's fantastic.
She goes, The New York Times lied about Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya.
And yet we're expected to believe it's propaganda.
It's war propaganda about the Russia today.
Yeah, no, there it is.
And she links to all these bullshit.
Stopping Qaddafi, stop Iran's bombs, Syria.
We know Iraq is lying.
Why we know Iraq is lying.
By Condoleezza Rice.
Is that who that is?
Yeah, it tells you the opinion piece.
And so then, and then Russia, and Aaron Matei tweeted out, RussiaGate has successfully duped liberals to transmute their justified opposition to Trump into militarism versus Russia.
So the way the liberals are opposing Trump is they've took, they've transmuted their, or what was the word he used?
Yeah, transmuted their opposition to Trump and turned it into being militaristic and sable-rathering with Russia.
The latest Afghanistan story is thinly sourced and doesn't make sense.
Does the Taliban need an incentive to kill Americans?
They've been fighting us for 19 years.
That's what he says.
So I retweeted it.
I said, of course, the U.S. news media continues to repeat CIA propaganda uncritically.
And it once again falls on independent journalists to apply any amount of skepticism to the career criminals and psychopaths who've started every U.S. war in my lifetime.
Hashtag manufacturing consent, because that's exactly what the New York Times does.
But it gets better.
Then some douchebag from the Washington Post.
This guy, this guy, I cover diplomacy and national security for the Washington Post.
His name is John Hudson.
So you know this guy is a fucking propagandist and a tool of the highest order.
How do I know this?
Because he tweeted this out.
We have confirmed, he says, we have confirmed the New York Times scoop.
They confirmed it that a Russian military spy unit offered bounties to Taliban-linked militants to attack coalition forces in Afghanistan.
And then he links to the reporters and himself.
So all these different reports.
It took four people to fucking lie to you to not know what they're talking about.
This person, this Missy underscore Ryan, him, and then this guy, Shane Harris, and that's whoever that is, Nakashimi.
So they've said they've confirmed it.
They said this is what he says.
We've confirmed it.
The New York Times story.
This guy said it.
And all those.
So I tweeted out.
He's lying.
He's lying.
He did not confirm anything.
He was lying.
Not even a little.
That's a flat-out lie.
That's still up there on Twitter.
Twitter didn't make him take it down.
It's a lie.
He didn't confirm it at all.
It's a lie.
Twitter lets him keep it up.
It's not a mistake.
It's a lie.
John Hudson is lying.
The Washington Post is lying.
The New York Times is lying.
And Twitter is letting those lies stay up.
So there it is.
I said he's lying.
He did not confirm anything from the article.
The attempt to stoke violence against Americans, if confirmed.
That's from his article.
So the article he says we've confirmed it.
If you go to the article, this is what it says inside the article.
The attempt to stoke violence against Americans, if confirmed.
That's in the article he linked to when, and his tweet was, we've confirmed it.
You go to the article that confirms it, it says, if confirmed, it was never confirmed.
That fucking guy, John Hudson, flat out lied.
There's your Washington Post.
Those are the kind of people who work at the Washington Post.
Flat out war propagandists and liars.
And he couldn't wait.
We've confirmed it.
You get it confirmed a goddamn thing.
You know what he confirmed?
He confirmed that a CIA spook said that happened.
That's not confirmation, John.
And you know it.
That's you being a good little tool, the opposite of a real journalist.
You're a reporter.
I'm sorry.
You're a repeater.
You're not a reporter.
There it is.
There it is.
The attempt right from this goddamn article.
Here's another from the article.
News of the Murky initiative comes as U.S. diplomats attempt to kindle political talks that could put an end to the country's longest war, now in its 19th year.
So Trump was and his diplomats were trying to negotiate a way to get us the F out of Afghanistan so he could have something to run on, something to run on.
They're trying to end this war.
Well, guess what?
The CIA doesn't want this war to end.
Neither does the New York Times.
Neither does the Washington Post.
Neither does Jeff Bezos.
Neither does the Secretary of Education of Defense.
Neither does Raytheon or Boeing or Chuck Todd or NBC News or CNN.
They all want this war to keep going.
And that's why the CIA planted this story.
They planted a fake story and then it got repeated.
A fake story got repeated front page of the New York Times, Washington Post.
We're confirming it.
They're not confirming it.
It's all a big lie.
And now you know why people voted for Trump?
Because their news media and their establishment are 100% liars and they thought Trump was going to stick his thumb in their eye.
Except he's not.
He's just like them.
And you want to know how a story like that gets planted?
Here's how a story like that gets planted.
A fake story like that.
And then a fake guy like John Hudson from the Washington Post says they confirmed it.
You know that?
Because they're all working for the goddamn intelligence agencies.
The Washington Post, the guy who owns it, is literally to the tune of over a billion dollars working with fucking CIA.
Jeff Bezos, his contract with the CIA.
$600 million, which is way more than the Washington Post is worth.
So here's how a story like that gets planted in the New York Times and then the Washington Post.
Here's how that happens.
A jagoff pothead comedian is going to teach them how to do journalism.
They know how to do it.
They just don't want to because they'll get fired like Chris Hedges.
If you tell the truth about war, you'll get fired.
Which is why they suppress independent news on YouTube.
Because Google and Facebook, they're the ones who control the news in this country.
They control what you know and what you think.
And that's why they're suppressing independent news.
Here's how this story gets planted.
As Max Blumenthal points out, a dubious story about Russia paying bounties to the Taliban to kill U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan appeared in the New York Times.
It was sourced entirely to American intelligence officials.
Former CIA operations director John Stockwell explained how Langley works the U.S. media, CIA operations director.
Here's how the CIA plants stories.
You ready?
Another thing is to disseminate propaganda to influence people's minds.
And this is a major function of the CIA.
And unfortunately, of course, it overlaps into the gathering of information.
You have contact with a journalist, you will give him true stories, you'll get information from him.
You'll also give him false stories.
You do buy his confidence with true stories?
You buy his confidence and set him up.
We've seen this happen recently with Jack Anderson, for example, who has his intelligence sources, and he has also admitted that he's been set up by them.
Every fifth story just simply being false.
You also work on their human vulnerabilities to recruit them in a classic sense, make them your agent so that you can control what they do.
So you don't have to set them up sort of, you know, by putting one over on them.
So you can say, here, plant this one next Tuesday.
Can you do this with responsible reporters?
Yes, the church committee brought it out in 1975, and then Woodward and Bernstein put an article in Rolling Stone a couple of years later.
400 journalists cooperating with the CIA, including some of the biggest names in the business, to consciously introduce the stories into the press.
Well, give me a concrete example of how you use the press this way, how a false story is planted and how you got it published.
Well, for example, in my war, the Angola war that I helped to manage, one-third of my staff was propaganda.
Ironically, it's called covert action inside the CIA.
Outside, that means the violent part.
I had propagandists all over the world, principally in London, Kinshasa, and Zambia.
We would take stories which we would write and put them in.
So that's like Bellingcat.
So I mean, so they have their propaganda to the Times and the CNN and Washington Post and all over the world.
And then there's also just straight up that there's no pretense that they're doing anything else.
And that would be like that Bellingcat website.
They're just, they just, whatever the CIA says, they just print it.
The Zambia Times and then pull them out and send them to a journalist on our payroll in Europe.
But his cover story, you see, would be that he had gotten them from his stringer and Lusaka, who had gotten them from the Zambia Times.
So there you go.
There's your big Russia's paying Afghanistan to kill Americans.
I mean, the CIA, you know why they go into spying because they're shitty fiction writers.
That's your story you came up with?
That's the story.
That's the story.
That's how uncreative they are.
They're not fucking creative.
They're not very creative guys.
They lie for a living.
He's telling you how it works.
He's not that creative.
They get to say, I'm from the CIA.
Here's a story.
Go print it.
Oh, thank you for the story.
Go, here's another one.
Go print.
Thank you.
And then here's a totally fucking fake one.
Oh, thank you.
They don't know.
How much imagination and creativity does it take for that guy to fucking work a reporter?
Zero.
Take zero creativity, which is why they came up with these stupid stories.
And they're always shocked that people don't buy it anymore.
But enough people do.
That's why we're still in Afghanistan.
And no one's demanding we get the fuck out.
19 years later, Barack Obama spent eight years in office, kept everybody in Afghanistan, ramped it up in Libya, ramped it up in Syria, ramped it up everywhere.
So there you go.
That's how you know that story is bullshit because, first of all, it's laughable.
Makes no sense.
And so now there's more to this story.
There's more to this Russia story of the pretend made-up story by the CIA that Russia is paying Afghanis to kill American soldiers.
I don't know if you guys know, we're occupying Afghanistan, their country.
If there was Russian soldiers occupying the United States, do you think another country would have to pay us to kill them.
If there's a bunch of Afghani soldiers here in the United States, do you think Russia would have to pay us to kill them?
They don't have to pay us now.
We go over to their country to kill them for free.
No one's paying us.
Guess what?
Guess what?
So a few weeks after that, there's a new story.
This is from, I believe, July 9th.
So a few weeks after they told everybody, be scared, be scared.
U.S. officials say intel on Russian bounties was less than conclusive.
So how does John Hudson's tweet still fucking stand?
How is his tweet still up?
How is that news article still in the Washington Post?
How is that still up at their website?
It is because the truth has nothing to do with news reporting in the United States.
Absolutely nothing.
Which is why it's hilarious that they claim to do fact checks.
I was on the Rolling Stone podcast.
They said they had to fact check some of the stuff I said.
I fucking laughed my head off.
You guys print bullshit about fucking Russia, Gate.
The entire entire profession constantly lying.
There's more of it.
That NBC have to fact-check?
No.
There's no fact-checking happening in journalism, you fucking gaslighting morons.
And if you are fact-checking yourself, you're the only one.
There's no fact-checking happening in journalism in America.
The only thing you're doing is fact-checking something that might get your advertiser pissed off.
A growing chorus of American officials have said in recent days that the intelligence suggesting Russians' bounties to induce the Taliban to kill American service members in Afghanistan is less than conclusive.
How is it that I knew the fucking moment this story was posted that it was bullshit?
But it took NBC News a couple of weeks to figure that out.
Isn't that awesome?
The initial New York Times story about the intelligence on Russian bounties characterized it as a finding of the intelligence community.
But subsequent reporting has painted a more nuanced picture.
Oh, nuance, meaning it was false, that there was actually no evidence.
Nuanced.
Nuanced, meaning the CIA was making this shit up so we could keep having a war in Afghanistan go on for a third decade.
More nuanced.
U.S. officials tell NBC News the CIA has concluded with moderate confidence.
Let me tell you what moderate confidence means.
So the definition of moderate confidence, you know what that means?
That means no evidence.
That's when you hear them say we have moderate confidence, that means zero evidence.
That's what that means.
Or else they would say we have evidence.
And was it Comey, Jimmy, that said he was overly confident?
Yeah, so that's how they like to use those words.
When they asked James Comey about the lying that the FBI was doing to the FISA court, he said, I'm 100% very confident that everything was done right.
So he knew it wasn't.
He knew they lied.
So when it got revealed that they lied, he goes, I was overconfident.
So that doesn't sound like you're lying.
It sounds like I was overconfident.
Sounds like you got let down.
Moderate confidence that there was such a bounty program.
A term that this is what they say the term means.
A term of art that means analysts find it plausible, but less than certain.
Yeah, the moon, the other side of the moon could be made out of cheese, but probably not.
Yeah, they could be paying them, but it fucking makes absolutely no sense and it's ridiculous.
Would you guys make up a better lie?
Less than certain.
Plausible.
Plausible.
You know what else is plausible?
The CIA is making it all up.
Is that also plausible?
Do you have moderate confidence that the CIA is making it all up?
Because I do.
I have overwhelming confidence.
In fact, I have evidence that they make this shit up.
Although an official briefed on the intelligence told NBC News it shows American service members died as a result of the bounties.
Oh my God.
Although an official briefed on the intelligence told NBC News it shows American service members died as a result of the bounties.
General McKenzie told reporters that he had not seen any evidence of that.
In 2017, General Joseph Vodel, commander of the U.S. Central Command, said it was a possibility that Russia was arming the Taliban.
Imagine you are risking your life in Afghanistan and Russians are trying to get you killed, said Douglas London, a former CIA officer.
Let's break that down.
Imagine you are invading another country, killing people in that other country for absolutely no reason for two decades straight, and then someone's trying to kill you.
Oh my, oh, I never what the president knows, but rather than do anything, he directs intelligence agencies to cooperate with the Russians on counterterrorism.
Do you see this?
Do you see the CIA does not want us to cooperate even to fight terrorism with Russia?
Do you see Russia?
Which we had a big reset in 2012.
That was the whole thing.
We're friends.
We're all buddies.
Putin was fishing off Kenny Bungpork with George Bush, hanging out with the Clintons.
Putin was.
Putin.
They're hiring Bill Clinton to give speeches paid for by a Russian Kremlin bank at half a million dollars a clip.
That's what we were all friends.
Now, no more because we got to find a way to get our fucking military industrial complex budget even higher.
And that's what this is.
This is manufacturing consent.
And Trump wants the fucking Russians to work with America to fight terrorism.
And the CIA is like, no way.
Terrorism's yesterday.
Russia's the new, that's the new bait.
That's the new moneymaker.
London was referring to the beginning of the Trump administration when the CIA was instructed to work with the Russian intelligence agencies to fight terrorists, which is what Trump should be doing.
Trump actually does something Right, and they make it off to be horrible.
That's your resistance, grifters.
That's what that is.
The revelations came into focus inside the Trump administration at a delicate and distracted time.
Moreover, as Mr. Trump seeks re-election in November, he wants to strike a peace deal with the Taliban to end the Afghan war, which is why all this bullshit's being said right now.
Because Trump wants that, Trump wants to end the war.
Not Obama, Trump.
And the CIA ain't going to let that fucking happen, and neither is the New York Times and the Washington Post.
No, neither is NBC News.
They are not going to let that happen.
Wow, Chuck Schumer is calling me.
Hello?
Oh, my goodness, gosh, everything is just going to heckles in a handbasket.
Excuse my spicy language.
What's happening with you, Chuck?
Before I answer that, can you just do one little thing for me?
What?
Call me Master of the Senate.
Really?
Okay.
What's happening with you, Master of the Senate?
You forgot that little echo thing on the end.
Senate.
What's happening?
I'll tell you what's happening, young man.
Donald Trump just has no respect for anything.
Nothing.
He's completely out of control.
I have no idea how it got this way.
What is it?
You won't believe it.
He keeps promising that he'll come out with a health care plan.
And guess what?
He never does.
He never does.
I can't believe it.
What is with this guy?
He's a liar.
Well, he said he was coming out with a healthcare plan.
Go on.
And then he didn't have one.
And I'm all like, wow.
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkomedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show is written by Ron Placone, Mark Van Landuit, Steph Zamorano, Jim Earl, Mike McRae, and Roger Rittenhouse.
All the voices performed today by the one and the only of the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out.
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