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Feb. 27, 2020 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:01:13
20200227_TJDS_20200227_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy, this is Joe Biden.
Vice President Biden, nice to hear from you, buddy.
You know me.
You know who I am.
You know what I'm about.
Yeah, of course I do.
I'm the guy who went to the gun manufacturers and says you clowns gotta knock this off.
Kids are dying in school.
You can't be making guns on a Tuesday, and they stopped.
I did that.
I'm the guy.
And then on the way home, I saw a bunch of kids playing in a bramble bush, and I said, get out of there.
There could be snakes in that bramble bush.
You know what's in there?
I saved a lot of kids' lives that day.
That was me and Jim Clyburn who did that.
*laughter*
Wow, that is quite a story.
You better believe it is.
I've been all over this country.
I've been all over the world.
I've seen things you wouldn't fucking believe.
Bernie Sanders, give me a break.
Give me a break.
Mr. Vice President, can I...
I'm the guy who flew over to Saudi Arabia and confronted that prince over there, that saudi prince.
I went over there with 10 commandos and I said to him, what did you do to Jamal Khashoggi?
And he said, I don't know what you're talking about.
I slapped him right in his face and said, don't give me that horse hockey, you tablecloth-wearing son of a bitch.
And he said, I killed him, and now he's in jail.
I did that.
I'm the guy.
That's funny, but I didn't hear about that.
Yeah, well, that's probably because you're listening to Bernie Sanders and all his fanciful claims.
Medicare for all.
Give me a break.
I put out those wildfires, those fires out west.
Man, Dana Rohrbacher.
I see.
I see.
Bernie Sanders doesn't know this country like I do.
I've been everywhere, done everything.
I know every downhome delicacy in every industrial town in the USA.
Where are you from?
Well, I'm from Chicago.
Chicago, hot dogs, deep dish pizza.
You got it.
What about Kansas City?
What are they famous for, smart guy?
Barbecue?
No!
Kansas City Flapjacks!
What?
It's a special way they make pancakes.
Instead of syrup, they pour barbecue sauce on it on top.
And the bees, instead of the bees, are baked into the dough.
Kansas City flapjacks, delicious.
You ever been to Dubuque, Iowa?
Yeah, I have a couple of times.
Well, you ever had a smooth Sandy?
No.
I've never.
What?
It's their signature treat.
It's just a banana split, but instead of bananas, they use a cucumber.
Very refreshing.
People know me.
They want to give me their local treats.
There is no way that these are real.
No one would eat these things you are describing.
Duluth, Minnesota.
If you're in the mood for a sandwich, let me tell you what, Buster.
You'd be crazy not to order a curious Richard.
Okay, I'm almost afraid to chip.
You start with two slices of bread, but that's where the conventional sandwich narrative ends, my friend.
Ketchup on one slice, A1 sauce on the other.
Fried spam, liver, raw chicken, sliced beets, Marza band, and horseradish.
You slap it all together, then throw it right in the blender, puree it, pour it over a ball of kimchi.
And I've said it a million times, it's not technically a curious Richard unless the people making it are laughing hysterically.
It's a tradition.
LAUGHTER Okay, Joe.
I think I know what's going on here.
Word's gotten out on the campaign trail that you will eat literally anything that's put in front of you.
And now there's a competition to see who can feed you the most bizarre creation, right?
Oh, yeah, tough guy.
You want to do some push-ups?
No, not really, Joe.
I wouldn't mess with me right now if I were you, chopsticks.
I've got a belly full of dubious Humphreys.
That's right.
I'm in Carlisle, PA.
Oh, my insights.
Goodbye, Mr. Vice President.
Establishment media sucks All gaslighting, so good luck Bullshit we can't afford Fomenting this Watch and see as it jack off The median speeds and jumps the medium And hits them head on It's the Chimitor Show Everybody, welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
We'll be coming to Minneapolis, Chicago.
By Abby, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a list of all the live Jimmy Door shows.
Now let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Hey, has the DNC released the Iowa vote totals yet?
Asking for a friend living in a fake democracy.
Did you know that the prerequisite for being in Tuesday's debate audience was either being able to spend a few grand on a ticket or only being able to come when a billionaire asks about all the things we can't afford?
You know, if your favorite news network displays as much fear at Bernie Sanders winning the primaries as they did for Donald Trump winning the White House, you might be a red baiter.
Gator blacklisted.
And now for the official Jimmy Doers final debate bullet points.
Did you know Nora O'Donnell kicked off the night by instructing the audience, for those of you in the $1,700 seats, I'd like you to clap your hands.
For the rest of you in the $3,000 seats, you can just rattle your jewelry.
Amy Klobuchar believes in education because she believes the cure to coronavirus is in some kids' head.
I mean, she's not for debt relief or tuition-free college or anything, so it better be a kid with wealthy parents.
But, you know.
Bernie made a document that laid out how he would pay for all his policy ideas and handed it to Chris Cuomo.
Sadly, Chris Cuomo threw the plans downstairs and called it a punk-ass bitch.
Bernie outraged the audience again at the debate by yelling about people dying in the streets.
Bloomberg puzzled the moderators by accusing Sanders of passing class-side information to The Rosenbergs.
Biden reassured those in the $3,000 seats that their ticket included a backstage meet and sniff.
Klobuchar passionately argued that 68,000 Americans should die every year because of math.
Bloomberg admitted he bought Congress, and judging from the reaction, he bought the audience too.
Pete Buttigig explained his plan to battle terrorism, completely enveloped them in bullshit.
Klobuchar gave the audience the web address of the CDC just in case they wanted to find out what was wrong with her.
Bloomberg said he anticipated releasing his tax return sometime during Trump's second term.
Okay, what's coming up on today's show?
Chris Matthews gets called out for his crazy anti-Bernie hate on his own network.
Bernie Sanders dunks on Lester Holt.
Plus, did Mayor Bloomberg actually buy the audience at the last debate?
The answer just may surprise you.
Or will it?
Bernie's support of Russia Gate comes back to bite him in the ass at the debate.
Plus, phone calls from Joe Biden, Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, and Bernie Sanders, plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Doer show.
Wow, Barack Obama's called me again.
Hello.
Balance the pragmatism, Jimmy.
Balance it.
Mr. President.
Oh, don't be so formal, Jimmy.
Call me Commander Netflix.
Why, Commander?
Because I'm going to command so much BOFO box office, you're going to want to salute my ass, little soldier.
Keep in mind, this isn't about me.
This is about some of us.
For some of us who give hope to the rest of you.
Balance pragmatism with what?
Your silly idealism, silly.
When you balance pragmatism with idealism, you get pragmalism.
What exactly is pragmealism, Commander Netflix?
Pragmealism isn't about tearing down the system.
It's about pulling it up.
No.
Pulling it up like what, Jimmy?
Yeah.
You know.
Like my pants.
That's right.
You can't pull up the system without pulling up your pants.
Your system is your pants.
And your pants is a system.
Marshal McLuhan said that.
Pull up your pants and you pull up the system.
Okay, but what exactly?
What exactly does that mean?
It means that even as we push the envelope and we are bold in our vision, we also have to be rooted in reality.
Huh?
I urge today's candidates to push past my achievements, but not too far.
Could you be more specific?
Certainly.
We can either idolize priorital purism or victoriousize inclusivity.
Meaning.
We can either listen to reason or you can pay me big bucks to incessantly spew nonsensical bullshit.
And right now, the Democratic base is doing the latter.
The Democratic base are donors.
The suffering rich.
By the way, can we stop dehumanizing them by calling them rich?
These are human beings, mostly men.
We've pulled up the system by pulling money up out of their trust funds and offshore bank accounts.
Buying stuff, selling stuff.
That's sacrifice.
So are you going to support Joe Biden after last night's debate?
So far, I have not been unimpressed with Joe's campaign.
So, of course, I back him.
Why would you back a candidate who doesn't impress you?
Practicality, Jimmy.
The American people don't want to be impressed.
They want to be impractical.
Impractical.
Is that even a word?
Remember what a lot of you naysayers said?
Hope wasn't a word?
Well, I changed all that.
Congratulate me.
Now, hope is a word.
I also ended the war on Christmas.
No one ever said hope wasn't a word, Barack.
They just said it wasn't a platform.
Now, there's a word that's not a real word.
Platform.
What does it even mean, Jimmy?
No, my purpose as President Emeritus is to remind people that you can't have hope without the word hope.
It's all you need.
Not some ill-defined health care plan backed by a bunch of divisive doctors.
So you're going with Biden for the presidency, right?
Look, I'm not here to tell anybody how to vote.
We're trying to stay away from the Jewish guy who's not a billionaire.
I mean, who would vote for a guy who can't even afford to buy a ticket to his own debate?
God take off, Jimmy.
We're on Ella today and we're practicing our squat dancing.
Gonna be lit.
Make sure you pull up Ellen's pants.
Oh, I will!
Pants!
So I don't know if you heard the crowd at the debate, but here's Bernie Sanders.
And here's watch.
He'll say something good about Castro having higher literacy rates.
This has become a controversy, even though Barack Obama said it.
Yep.
So he repeats, yeah, they have better health care and better health care outcomes, and they have a better literacy rate.
And so he says this, watch this.
Cuba made progress on education.
Yes, I think.
Really?
Really?
So the crowd booze at he's really, really?
Okay, so that seems weird.
That seems out of place at a Democratic debate.
You're doing that, Senator.
Look, whoever wants to be able to do that.
We want to get to the issue.
Mayor Bloomberg has a solid and strong and enthusiastic base of support.
Problem is, they're all billionaires.
Now, if you.
So, by the way, this was compiled by the Rising, and they put this together.
And so there they are.
He's saying he's insulting billionaires, and they're booing him at the Democratic debate.
This is not the Republican debate.
This is the Democratic debate.
And so why would they, what kind of a We went to the one in Miami.
And if you've heard me talk about it on the live show, we always talk about it when we do a live show.
And I tell you, it was weird.
It felt weird being in a room full of that many douchebags because that's what it is.
It's all Democratic Party insiders who have a lot of money.
That's what it's all filled with.
Now, I got to go because Tulsi gets some tickets and she invited me personally.
So, but everyone, most everyone there is paying.
They're big donors to the Democratic Party.
And that's why I talk about David Brock was sitting right over here.
The deputy Lakis, who I believe is supporting any guesses?
Who Kunal?
Koenberg?
You got it?
No, kidding.
She seemed like a nice lady when we met her.
You were giggling with her.
Anyway, let me throw you under the bus.
How dare you giggle.
So why was there, why was all the booze for Bernie?
The South Carolina Democratic Party charged people $1,750 to buy tickets for the debate.
Now, I don't know if that was the South Carolina Democratic Party or the DNC, but let's see.
That's because tickets aren't readily available.
This is from Channel 5, WCSC.
That's because tickets aren't readily available.
The Charleston County Democratic Party's website says the only guaranteed way to get a ticket is to become a sponsor of the debate.
It's a real people's party, huh?
Yeah.
What if nobody signed up to sponsor?
Would they just cancel it?
No sponsors.
Like, yeah, we'll pass.
Sponsorship range from $1,750 to $3,200 each.
What a deal.
So here, this channel, they did it.
Here's a news story about it, right?
From the local station.
Go to the Democratic presidential debate in Charleston this month.
You'll be hard-pressed to find any tickets unless you can shell out a couple of thousand dollars.
Lillian Donahue joins us now at the Gilliard Center where that debate is set to take place in Lee.
And how can people get into that debate?
Well, while we know that candidates will be taking the stage here at the Gilliard Center in two and a half weeks, if you wanted to secure your spot in the audience, your chances are pretty slim.
Now, voters want to make sure that debates like this in the future are more accessible to people.
Wow.
This is pretty much the first election that we've both really been involved, especially with the primary process and everything.
Peter Davis and his girlfriend, Emily Kiley, have been politically active for months ahead of the South Carolina primary.
We watch every debate that goes on.
So now that one's coming to Charleston, that's insanely exciting for us.
They're two of more than 800 people who have already signed up to volunteer ahead of the event.
So of course, first thing we do is we look for tickets, but there was no access to tickets on any Democratic site that I could see.
That's because tickets aren't readily available.
This is something that the average person doesn't usually get to go to these.
The only guaranteed way to get isn't that wild?
They just say it.
That was an official from the Democratic Party in South Carolina, and they don't know that that sounds funny to say out loud.
Yeah, normal people, they don't usually get to go to these.
Isn't Democratic in the title?
Yeah.
And they don't see a problem.
Ticket to the debate is to become a sponsor.
Sponsorship ranges from more than $1,700 all the way to more than $3,000 each for attendance to multiple First in the South events.
I think that's impossible for us.
The chair of the Charleston Democratic Party says debate tickets are first handed out to organizers, then campaigns.
So it's completely usual.
This is exactly what's happening in New Hampshire for their debate and Nevada's debate and Iowa's debate.
So that doesn't make it okay.
That means it's screwed up all over the country.
I know what it's like.
I went to the debate.
I know what it's like.
It's all a bunch of rich people.
So, and they're like, that's the way it is all over.
I know now you know why you lost to Trump.
Do you know why you lost to Trump?
Because when given the choice between a Republican and a Republican, they always blow them.
So on.
At the end of the day, that's still a money game, and whoever has the most gets to attend, you know, these kind of events that should be public and should be easily accessible.
Local voters say the system should change.
It's like for the people.
So if most of the people can't get in, then what are we there for?
We're seniors and to have something set up like that.
You're omitting a great many of the public.
Tickets are available online, however, for the official watch party and other events for the First in the South primary on the 29th, reporting live in downtown Charleston.
So they aired that the day after they air that says less than 24 hours after Live 5 News report on the high cost of guaranteed seat at the Democratic presidential debate, the Charleston County Democratic Party no longer shows the option on their website.
So they do a news report saying, hey, they're selling tickets.
Bob, we're taking that down.
A report Thursday stated people looking to watch the only guy, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So you know the rest.
Crystal Ball went on CNN, got called a liar on CNN just now for accurately citing this reporting.
Establishment gets very touchy when you talk about their standard issue corruption and hypocrisy when it comes to standing with the working class.
Clip coming.
So she was talking to that Karen Finney, that Clinton advisor, who was wrong before when Crystal Ball, I think it was Crystal Ball was on with her before and said to her that Bernie's the most popular senator in the country.
And she went like this.
Remember, she made all those faces?
That's not true.
That's not true.
And then, of course, son of a bitch, she had to issue an apology because it is true.
This is the same woman, same woman.
Because facts matter, turns out I was wrong this morning.
Senator Sanders was the most popular senator in the morning call, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So it seems like every time she goes on with a progressive, she could have called the progressive a liar and then get proven wrong.
So Vox then tried to do an establishment piece on this, which tried to people had been tweeting this article saying, like I saw under Crystals, under this tweet, I saw people tweet this article saying you're lying as if this article debunked it.
So I went to this article and here's what.
Yes.
Oh, boy.
So here's what Vox, here's what they have to say about it.
I'll read it to you.
It says, according to a Bloomberg campaign spoken, what we know about how tickets were allocated.
This is Vox.
They wrote this story.
It's a story written by Vox.
According to a Bloomberg campaign spokesperson.
That's all you need.
That source nails reporting.
That's not one of Bloomberg's guys.
Third impartials.
Yeah, one of the guys who's, you know, the benefit of this kind of rigging, we asked him what happened.
That's their reporting.
I'm not making that up.
Bloomberg is the CEO of the DNC, right?
All seven candidates were allocated on an equal number of tickets for the debate by the Democratic National Committee.
A Bloomberg campaign official, again, next source, a Bloomberg campaign official.
A Bloomberg campaign official told NBC News' Joss Lederman that the campaign did not pay audience members to go to the debate.
This is their reporting.
This is their reporting.
For more, we're going straight to Mike Bloomberg.
Let's ask you.
Followed by Mike Bloomberg's mom.
Followed by.
We asked Mike Bloomberg's mom.
She says he's not racist.
We got Mike Bloomberg's former roommate.
Moore at 11.
Yeah.
Then they linked to this tweet from Ken Delinean.
Do I need to tell you who Ken Delinean is?
So their first two sources Are fucking people from the Bloomberg campaign themselves.
The next source is a guy who's a CIA plant who's been outed as a CIA plant by the LA Times.
Ken Delidian.
He says access to tickets was limited for individuals who were not affiliated with the campaigns or the organization, organizers of the debate, according to the Charleston County Williams.
The campaign's participating candidates will have a set number of, according to a DNC spokesperson, Yashidi.
Oh, so here's.
So then we go to a campaign spokesperson.
Access to tickets was limited for individuals who were not.
This is what it was in his tweet.
Not affiliated with the campaigns or the organizers of the debate.
Tickets are extremely limited.
Could you find out what the capacity of that theater is?
Were they in South Carolina?
Were that because those are big places?
Yeah, it wasn't a tiny hall.
Right.
According to a DNC spokesperson, Jachi Hinoshosa, the tickets were divided between the DNC campaigns and the South Carolina Democratic Party, along with debate hosts, the Congressional Black Caucus Institute, CBS, and Twitter.
So do you see all the people who get tickets?
They give tickets to CBS.
Who do you think they're inviting?
Bricklayers?
They give tickets to Silicon Valley Valley Billionaire Twitter.
Who do you think they're inviting?
Fat caters.
Catch.
So here is, and here is that Democratic spokesperson.
Let me give you the facts.
The tickets were divided up between the DNC campaigns with equal allocation.
South Carolina Democratic Party, CBCI, CBS, and Twitter.
We invited local community leaders at DNC supporters.
This is the most diverse audience.
Diverse, you mean diverse by ethnicity or diverse by class?
Not diverse by class.
No.
So those aren't, by the way, those facts don't tell me anything about the $1,730,000 that you guys were charging that was up on the Democratic Party's website that got taken down after it was revealed in a news report.
So you never, you didn't ever answered about that.
So this is more Democratic Party lying.
Here's the South Carolina Democratic Party.
Out of the nearly 400 tickets that we were able, so the South Carolina Democratic Party had 400 tickets themselves.
That's what I'm taking this to mean.
That were able to allocate for this evening's debate.
We welcomed hundreds of activists, county party leaders, community leaders, state rep. Yeah.
So all kinds of people who are deep in the party.
It's like, stop your complaining.
This was a who's who of people who had two grand to burn on our bullshit.
That's fucking right.
That's right, Ron.
Here's some more from Vox.
In the case of at least one past debate, attendees have been able to pay thousands of dollars to sponsor the debate and obtain tickets, as indicated by a story from WCSC, a CBS-affiliated base in Charleston.
Such options were once listed on the Charleston County Democratic Party website.
They, though, Bab since been taken down.
So, yeah, so there you go.
Let's see what else.
Here's the last thing.
Outstanding questions that Vox still has.
The DNC has not responded to a request for comment about how many tickets are doled out to sponsors who pay to attend.
No, that's what we want to know.
That's the question.
Not how many tickets you gave away.
How many tickets did you sell?
That's what we want to know.
How many sponsors, official sponsors did you have?
By the way, the $1,700 tickets were in the balcony.
If you wanted to sit down on the floor, that was three grand.
Yeah.
So the debate was located at the Charleston Gaylord Center and it's 2750.
So almost 3,000 people.
Almost 3,000, yeah.
So almost 3,000 people were there.
I'm going to guess.
I would probably guess 2,500 of them were rich people.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, absolutely.
Or more.
Or more.
And we don't know yet if there was a disproportionate number of Bloomberg supporters.
That's right.
Certainly sounded like it.
That didn't sound like a Democratic debate that was sympathetic to the billionaire and upset at the Democratic Socialist, the New Deal Democrat, which is what Bernie Sanders is.
He's a New Deal Democrat.
And that shows you how far that party has slid.
That shows you what's wrong with that party.
And if Bloomberg is the nominee, I will also join other people on the left and organize against him before the election.
Yeah, this entire article, by the way, could have just been summed up as.
Yeah, we don't know anything, but here's what the powerful people are saying.
Like, that's their entire article.
And so you've been debunked.
And I'm like, why would they even write this article?
There's almost no information in it, right?
They don't even, they still don't know what we still don't know.
How many freaking tickets they sold.
That's what everybody wants to know.
It's almost like they had a deadline and it's like, something has to go on the website.
Just say we don't know anything.
And what did the party tweet?
It's almost like they had, hey, let's write an article so people can tweet this at people telling the truth and say they're not telling the truth, knowing no one will read this article.
Right.
Yeah, it's just you got something official.
People were I saw blue check people underneath Crystal Ball's thing saying you're lying and then they tweet this article.
Blue checks.
It's amazing.
Now, this is the guy literally people think is going to beat Donald Trump.
This is this, he brings up possibly the most losing of issues ever to bring up.
Let's listen to Bloomberg.
This is supposed to get...
Was it 17,000?
And 8,000 people alone, fewer voted in Flint for her than voted for Barack Obama alone in one little city.
Now, what do you think was going to get those people off the couch to vote for a Democrat?
It ain't this.
Watch this.
Number two, when you talk about money, just put this in perspective.
The federal budget is $4.5 trillion a year.
We get $3.5 trillion in revenue.
We lose $1 trillion a year.
That's why the federal budget deficit is right now.
The debt is $20 trillion going up to $21.
We just cannot afford some of the stuff people talk about.
I got to go vote for that guy who says we can't have shit.
The billionaire.
I got to go vote for the first of all, the irony of the richest guy in the country saying we can't have, can't afford anything that you want.
But certainly he got a trillion-dollar tax cut.
We could afford that.
I think it's neat that the billionaire recently came out in favor of the minimum wage.
Yeah, increasing it.
I wonder why.
So this is his winning argument.
Literally, he's going to try and get people to vote for him because he's going to fearmonger about the deficit.
Doesn't make the fucking bit of difference to anyone's life.
Never did, never will.
Never going to make a difference.
And let's remind everybody at home, he's not in a GOP primary.
That's right.
That's right.
It's exactly right.
Like, why doesn't this guy run in the Republican primary against Trump?
You hate him so much.
Is it because he lost so many golf games to Trump?
Is that what's really happening here?
Maybe.
Let me finish.
If you keep on going, we will elect Bernie.
Bernie will lose to Donald Trump and Donald Trump and the House and the Senate.
So somehow he thinks this is a winning argument.
I'm going to talk about the deficit and tell you all the stuff you can't have that the rest of the world has, and that's how you beat Donald Trump.
And the audience goes wild because they're bot.
It's unbelievable.
This is your winning argument that we can't have stuff.
We just can't.
You guys, you have to stay broke and treading water.
We have to keep using GoFundMe medicine.
That's his message.
He thinks that's going to beat Trump.
First of all, there will be, if Bloomberg does buy himself the nomination, watching Trump dismantle this piece of shit will be fun.
Because Trump will.
Michael Bloomberg is more unlikable than a literal piece of shit.
That's how unlikable he is.
Because a piece of shit isn't trying to also lie to me.
Yeah, and a piece of shit never instituted policies in any city.
There's never been.
It's like, oh, this sucks.
Who did that turd on 14th did that?
Like, that's never happened.
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Thanks for your support.
Hello.
Thank you extremely much for taking my call, Jimmy Door.
We both know who this is.
He is.
Why do you always ask that whatever you call?
Of course I know who this is.
There is no introduction needed for to both of us with yes.
No.
Wait.
Are you saying no to the yes part?
Meaning with who needs an introduction or no or yes to the part where I said we don't need introduction.
I don't know anymore, Vlad.
Good, because I'm a little confused too.
Who am I?
You're Vladimir Putin, buddy.
Exactly.
So no further formalities are needed, my friend.
President Putin, you've been in the news lately.
Lately?
I'm always in your news.
But here I can't get arrested.
What is the deal with that?
Anybody?
The Washington Post just published an article about you.
Oh, great.
What is it this time?
Did I bribe college to get so strong to Harvard?
No.
Did I get drunk and eat hamburger with shirt off with ketchup dribbling down my chest while daughter makes fun of me on iPhone?
No, not that.
Did I scream she on TV after winning primary?
No.
No, none of those.
Then please tell me what is your beef.
They say you're interfering in the 2020 election.
Wait, you guys are having a nova election.
Didn't you just have one?
Kidding.
I know your guys are in process of appointing somebody right now.
So it keeps.
Anonymous Intel sources say that you want Bernie Sanders to win the Democratic nomination.
Okay, yes, this is true.
But why?
Because he's the weakest candidate against Donald Trump.
And all of Russia wants Trump to win again because we get along so well with X-Bay.
But wait, Sanders polls the strongest against Trump and always has.
Wait, huh?
But that's not what Nate Silver and that Marcos guy say.
Wait, you read Nate Silver?
Of course, he's our guy.
You see, give him his algorithm.
We still have a few left over from Chernobyl.
So you're saying he's using a computer algorithm used to run nuclear reactors?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm saying he's using a computer algorithm used to melt down nuclear reactors.
Big difference there.
Well, it seems weird that you'd rely on such an unreliable source.
What do you expect from a third-rate regional power?
We still use Zippos to light our nuclear war excuse.
Our bombs are around like wily coyote drops on Road Runner.
Oh, great.
What?
Somebody keeps picking up the party line.
You can't hear them breathing on the other end.
I'm so sick of this.
Seriously, you can't hear them.
Such a pain.
I'm on the phone, Dimitri.
Can I avail privacy for your sakes?
Cremini.
Can I call you back, Jimmy?
Does anybody remember party lines?
Ha, ha, ha.
Portions of today's show were recorded live at the improv in San Jose and Harlow's in Sacramento, California.
Now we're going to get right to watch this.
This is awesome.
So here's a guy they bring on.
This guy, by the way, not the best guy in the world before.
We've made fun of this guy before.
But for some reason, this guy who now works as the editor of Time magazine, this guy, for some reason, he felt compelled to tell the truth on MSNUC.
And it was kind of awesome.
And so he'll never get his own show.
Or probably be that passed back.
Right?
By the way, even when I went on Tucker Carlson and I said that shit on Tucker Carlson, you know, they buried that video.
Even Fox News, even though Tucker brought me on, because I think he knew it would fuck with his boss.
Anyway, so I came on and I did that shit and I said it's a one-party rule.
He buried that video.
Did you know that?
Yeah.
So, okay.
I don't know.
I feel proud of that.
I feel pretty good better.
Yeah, I feel good.
People on Fox News didn't want my message to get up.
Too late.
So here, box with this guy.
This is over the top.
Awesome.
Watch this.
Last night was a historic win that I think a lot of us are still struggling to understand.
It's not historic only because Bernie Sanders is now decisively proving that he can win in milk white America and in the emerging superpower of color that we are becoming.
Something is happening in America right now that actually does not fit our mental models.
It certainly doesn't fit the mental models of a lot of people on TV.
It doesn't fit the mental Models of a lot of people in the parties.
It doesn't fit our cultural mental models.
You have someone talking about, in a way we have not heard, genuine, deeper democracy, popular movements, human equality in a meaningful way, and a politics of love in the tradition of Dr. King and winning elections in America, in the United States of America.
I just have to say, I've been encouraged watching you on air talk about your own rethinking of things, which I think we all have to do to be in this work.
I think this is a wake-up moment for the American power establishment.
This is unbelievable.
Joe Ann Reed is sitting there going, oh, fuck, he's right.
No, what Joanne Reed is doing is going, I'm going to be able to get some of his money.
Because MSNBC is not going to pay this guy anymore.
For Bloomberg, to those of us in the media, to Democratic Party, to donors, to CEOs, many in this establishment are behaving, in my view, as they face the prospect of a Bernie Sanders nomination like out-of-touch aristocrats in a dying aristocracy.
Thank you.
Oh my God, somebody cancel his contract.
How do we stop this?
How do we block this?
And there is no curiosity.
Why is this happening?
What is going on in the lives of my fellow citizens in this country?
They need to be voting for something that I find it so hard to understand.
What is happening?
What is happening?
This is a moment for curiosity.
Okay, I'm going to tell you what's happening.
Those are great questions.
Here's what's happening.
40% of Americans struggle to afford the basic necessities of life.
30% have debt that are greater than their savings.
78% of full-time workers live paycheck to paycheck.
500,000 medical bank printly annually.
Hospital costs are surging.
Wages aren't keeping government free.
87 million people at 100 years.
That's what's fucking happening.
That's what's happening in the richest country in the world.
That's what's happening.
You can add to that list.
You can say there's over 2,000 cities in America that have water as contaminated, if not worse than Flint, Michigan.
That's right.
You can add to it.
You can keep that.
You can add to 22 vets a day commit suicide for PCSD for being in these bullshit wars for the last 18 goddamn years.
Shall I continue?
Over 300,000 gallons of oil spilled because of the Keystone pipeline of the fucking Dakotas.
Fracking is contaminating.
There's cancer clusters.
What more do you want to hear?
We could add to this list for fucking ever, man.
You're right.
None of that is happening in the MSNBC studios.
I couldn't hear.
What is this?
I just said none of that's happening in the MSNBC studios, so it doesn't really matter.
Doesn't really matter.
It doesn't really matter.
So then, and then this guy, and by the way, the fact that he's out with Joanne Reed means that one of her producers got fired because there's no way.
So watch this.
Then he really rips it.
Ready?
Watch this.
Watch this.
Think about this network, which I love, which you love.
This network, which I love and you love.
Why do you love this network?
I want to ask that guy, what the fuck is that you love about it?
Oh, yeah.
This network, which got me in a gated community.
I fucking love it.
I mean, it's fantastic.
It's allowed me to buy the most kick-ass gray hair dye.
Do you have his number, Jimmy?
Can I get his number from you?
If my hair gray looked like that, I would dye it like that.
Because that looks ass-kicking.
Right?
That's fucking ass kicking gray hair.
I'm very upset.
You know, I don't know if you know about me.
I'm very into my hair.
And if my hair looks good, as Tom Glass would say, I feel like I could take on the day.
My hair looks good.
I'm like, fuck, I could do that.
But now I'm losing it.
I don't feel like that.
I would do that.
I would do that kind of gray hair.
Right?
Does that look like a dyed gray hair?
Because I'll dye it like that if I have to.
I don't know what it is, but he looks like a Disney superhero.
Right at Go.
Right at Go.
I don't know what his dad raised.
He looks like he shows up to a problem but applies logic to it.
Right?
What's your superpower?
Logic.
People are sick and they need health care in the richest country in the world.
Hey, let's provide it for them.
You got a superpower.
How did you do that?
Okay, so here's what he actually.
Can I say this really quickly, Jimmy?
I enjoy what Joanne Reed is wearing.
It looks like a cashmere straitjacket.
Jimmy, his superpower is actually going to be disappearing from MSNBC forever.
What she is wearing costs more than every homeless person on the Las Vegas Strip right now.
Oh, look at Graham making a point about the underfunded serve.
Okay, here we go.
Watch this.
I think we have to look within also.
Why is a lobbyist for Uber and Mark Zuckerberg on the air many nights explaining a political revolution to us?
Why?
That's awesome.
Why is there a lobbyist for Uber on MSNBC explaining a political revolution to us?
That doesn't really count anymore.
Joanne Reed is like, ha, I'm with you.
Revolution to us.
Why is Chris Matthews on this air talking about the victory of Bernie Sanders, who had Ken murdered in the Holocaust, and analogizing it to the Nazi conquest of France?
The people who are stuck in an old way of thinking in 20th century frameworks in gulag thinking are missing what's going on.
It's time for all of us to step up, rethink, and understand the dawn of what made me, frankly, a new era later after life.
Thank you.
You know, nothing makes me feel more comfortable than a guy speak on behalf of the people with French cuffs.
Oh, fuck, I missed that.
I missed this.
But he happens to be right.
Even a guy with French coach.
That's how bad it is.
Even a guy with French cuffs and a hair dye that I can't afford knows more about the workers' movement than some fucking motherfucker on MSN.
Did you notice when he brings up Chris Matthews?
She tries to interrupt him.
She's like, and she tries to interrupt him.
And then he starts talking about the Holocaust.
She's like, shh, I can't interrupt.
It's like when they try to put at the Oscars, when someone went to Oscar making a documentary about the Holocaust and they try to play music to get them off.
It's like, "Oh, I can't play the music.
The Holocaust is about it.
I got a little dog." So they did a recent, they did a new Wall Street Journal NBC poll, and this was the results.
Sanders is ahead of Biden by double digits, ladies and gentlemen.
I still can't believe they released that.
And they released this poll.
I mean, I'm not a math surgeon, but I'm pretty sure that's 12 percentage points.
And Chuck, so Chuck Todd, watch this.
Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
Guys, Chuck Todd is almost an average-level actor.
Give him a break.
So, watch what he says after that poll was released.
Watch that.
Well, did it?
Because who's the frontrunner?
Right?
Who's guy went in?
No, but is he the front runner?
He doesn't certainly not get the president from.
Who's the frontrunner?
I'm guessing that guy actually doesn't know.
Who's the frontrunner?
I don't know.
The frontrunner would be the guy who's ahead by 12.
Fuck it.
I got it twice, baby.
Maybe that would be the frontrunner.
I don't know.
and and the problem is that this i don't understand how birdie is considered a front-runner this is a guy that Well, Chuck, numbers are weird.
See, the bigger the number is the bigger the lead.
It's almost like magic.
It's hard to understand.
I guess the same, how is he the frontrunner?
He's the same way he's the frontrunner, the same way the guy who writes your payroll check goes.
How the fuck does he get paid all this money?
He doesn't understand how the guy who's ahead 12 percentage points is the leader.
You know, there's Chuck Todd doesn't understand?
Climate change, what a reporter, what a reporter actually is supposed to do, and why boys pee standing up and girls pee sitting down.
Okay, here we go.
Bernie got 6,000 more votes than Iowa.
I don't know.
I guess we should coin toss it.
You know what I mean?
Coin flip it.
Makes no sense.
Too close.
So let's watch more Chuck Todd.
More people showed up to the polls.
Highest turnout ever, and his percentage went down that up.
See, so Chuck Todd's doing that thing where you're going, he didn't get as many votes as he got last time when there was only one other person in the race.
Now there's 80 people in the race, and his numbers went down.
How did that happen?
He's losing.
What are fractions?
I don't know.
Watching Chuck Todd try to understand elections is like watching a chimp learn how to use a tool.
Oh, I missed it.
I missed it.
What did he say?
He said it's not fair to the chip.
That is not fair to the chimp.
Sorry.
We're not animal shaming here.
We're pro-animals.
I apologize.
I'm a vegetarian.
I would never let that happen.
I will shame a baboon's ass.
I will.
They're a little too proud of their red ass.
That's just a fun weekend.
Yeah.
So here's some more.
They are primates.
They are primates.
Graham, I have a feeling.
I have a feeling you've had sex with a few people you weren't sure they had a frontal lobe.
No.
Jimmy, we've all had a crazy weekend in Vegas.
All right?
So here, he's got some more to say.
Total number went down that up.
And new veterans actually voted for Beta Judge and Klobuchar.
They said the first time voters were excited about Amy Klobuchar.
Hey, even Amy Klobuchar isn't excited about Amy Klobuchar.
Chuck Todd is like if you had a jukebox and everything was just filled with establishment talking points.
That's all.
Plus J10.
We have to fight him over there so we don't have to fight him over here.
Tax cuts create jobs.
How are we going to pay for Medicare for all?
Bernie's percentages went down.
Chuck Todd is like the Barney Fife of propaganda.
You have to be old to know that joke, but...
Did you know that?
Oh, no kidding.
They were trying to make Rachel Maddow.
And they remembered to add obedience, but they forgot to add intelligence.
That was the problem.
Yeah.
Woo!
Yeah.
Woo!
Woo!
Yeah.
So Chuck Todd, Chuck Todd doesn't know how Bernie's the frontrunner, but his own show tweets out that Bernie is the frontrunner.
Isn't that wild?
His own show tweeted that out.
He doesn't watch it.
And by the way, this poll was...
Of course he doesn't watch his show.
Same reason I don't look at myself in the mirror.
Naked.
Because it would be painful.
And you're like, oh, fuck, I used to look 20 years ago.
Anyway, I look like a fucking smaller Trump naked.
Anyway.
It's not fun, and I have to apologize and stuff.
Anyway.
But I do wear a man girdle, and sometimes some people.
It's hot.
Jimmy's going to be selling Jimmy to our man girdles after the show, folks.
During the meet and greet.
They have a strap for your balls.
It separates them.
It's mostly cosmetic.
So get this.
So this poll, I want to show you how kick-ass this poll was for Bernie.
So the poll displayed one point of clarity in the Democratic race.
Mr. Sanders holds the lead alone.
Bernie Sanders is the definitive front runner.
And furthermore, furthermore, his numbers represent not his ceiling, but his base with room to grow.
Thank you.
Also noted, so this is in the article that the Wall Street Journal accompanied to this poll they did.
In the article, it said, Mr. Hart noted that 65% of Democratic primary voters say they are enthusiastic about Mr. Sanders' candidacy.
A larger share than any of the other candidates and well above his 27 support of the voters' first choice for nominee.
So that's that poll.
It was crazy over the top positive for Bernie, right?
Crazy over the top.
So here's how Lester Holt, this is Lester Holt's question to Bernie about that poll.
Do you remember this?
Watch this.
Setter Sanders, our latest NBC News Wall Street Journal poll released yesterday.
Two-thirds of all voters said they were uncomfortable with a socialist candidate for president.
That's the stat.
That's the stat Lester Holt pulls out of that fucking survey.
Isn't that amazing?
That's the stat.
Not the stat that 65% of people are enthusiastic or that he's overwhelmingly the winner or over.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
The stat he pulled out is that 65% of people are uncomfortable with a socialist.
Well, it turns out Bernie Sanders isn't a socialist.
You know that, you motherfucker.
He doesn't advocate for the workers owning the fucking means of production.
He advocates for social security, Medicare, and education.
He's a democratic socialist, which is a totally different thing.
And if you don't know that, Lester Holt, you should fucking be fired.
Isn't that an amazing way that he, that's an amazing framing by Lester Holt.
So watch what Bernie says to that.
What do you say to those voters, sir?
What was the result of that poll?
Beautiful.
Seriously, look.
Lester, what was the result of that poll?
Seriously, just read it each candidate at a time.
I'll wait.
I'll wait.
Lester, I appreciate you allowing me to dunk on you this early in the question.
Watch what Lester says though.
Who's winning?
Yeah!
The questions are-ah!
Yeah!
I don't know who was winning.
I'm not a reporter.
I'm a stenographer.
And this isn't written on my note cards by Phil Griffin, so I don't know who won that poll.
Lester, I would tell you to sit down, but you're already sitting.
Let's watch the board.
Well, the question was that I was winning, and I think by a fairly comfortable margin.
Mike mentioned that.
But here is the point.
Let's talk about democratic socialism, not communism, Mr. Bloomerk.
That's the chief shot.
Let's talk about Democratic.
Let's talk.
why does mike blumberg look like he could have been the bad guy in every disney movie Right?
Okay, here we go.
About what goes on in countries like Denmark, where people correctly pointed out they have a much higher quality of life in many respects than we do.
What are we talking about?
We are living in many ways in a socialist society right now.
The problem is, as Dr. Martin Luther King reminded us, we have socialism for the very rich, rugged individualism for the poor.
And And you saw that Elizabeth Warren had her hand up because she wanted to remind everybody that she's a capitalist to her bones.
Yeah, and she stood for Donald Trump last year when he said this will never be a socialist country.
She stood up and clapped class of Republicans that she used to be in the party with when she was 47.
I love Lester Holt says, Bernie, some people say they're nervous about socialism, which made you decline from a strong first place to a strong first place.
Your response?
That's amazing.
All right.
Man, it's tough to come across an even dumber guy than Chuck Todd, but Lester Holt sure made a strong attempt, didn't he?
Wasn't that nice?
The way Lester Holt reported that poll, if he were, if he was reporting the Super Bowl, he would just talk about how people like the halftime show.
Right?
Fuck it.
That joke is almost there.
Hey, the next time someone...
There was a poll done by the Wall Street Journal and NBC News who Lester Holt works for.
The results were overwhelmingly positive for Bernie Sanders.
65% of everybody said they were enthusiastic about it.
And Lester Holt asks that question, says that people are afraid of you.
Now you tell me who is fucking influencing the election, Vladimir Putin or fucking NBC News?
So, Jimmy, to use your Super Bowl analogy, so the Kansas City Chiefs won the Super Bowl, but it would be like, if you didn't know the, This is making a point.
Settle down.
The point is, if you didn't watch the Super Bowl, didn't know much about it, and then the media, all they did was talk about all the mistakes that the Chiefs made, you would think, oh, I guess they must have lost.
That's how they shape that.
They frame this.
They make it seem like, oh, boy, they fumbled, they lost.
They had to punt on that one thing.
Oh, boy.
But they don't tell you the final score.
You'd go, I guess that's who lost.
And that's how they're doing this.
They want all the voting blue will do.
The people who aren't paying attention as much as all as we are to just hear little snips and go, I don't know.
I guess Bernie's not doing as well as he did four years ago.
I guess we'll jump on Klobuchar.
Hey, this Bloomberg guy seems like he can fight Trump.
That's what this is fucking doing.
This is all about pushing it to a second ballot.
And then the super delegates can step in.
And then they're going to say, Bernie signed off on this.
This was Bernie's plan because he was part of the Unity Commission.
No, that's not.
That was Bernie's compromise.
Bernie wanted no superdelegates.
And you motherfuckers made them accept that.
So they're going to play that game.
So don't let them play that game.
Because there's nothing democratic about super delegates.
No.
I'll just tell you this real fast.
So here's a new, here's another poll.
2020 general election head-to-head among white college-educated women.
Ready?
They prefer Buddha gig.
They prefer Bloomberg.
They prefer Klobuchar, Biden, Warren, and then Sanders.
So this person says, there you have it.
It's a struggle between what the party needs to be, a party for the working class and minorities, and what it's been turned into, a party for college-educated, suburbanite soccer moms with selectively progressive views.
That's exactly what's happened.
Here's the support for Bernie under 45 years old.
Sanders, 54%.
Nobody's even close.
Nobody's even close.
Buddha Judge, who's a fucking millennial, is getting 5% of his own fucking demographic.
It's actually, Graham, I speak for the millennials.
We canceled him.
We kicked him out.
He's just not...
You're out.
We gave him an avocado to go, and we're like, go away.
Go back to your wine cave with your CIA billionaires.
Wow, Bernie Sanders is calling me.
Hello.
For your information, I'm calling you as a preemptive strike against you calling me.
Overall, how do you think last night's debate went?
Great turnout, if you like, funerals.
Did you know that the audience had to pay $1,700 to $30,000 a ticket?
No, I didn't find that out until afterwards when I saw them leave on Jeffrey Epstein's jet.
Oh, bam!
But he's dead.
Yeah, that's what you think.
Epstein's alive and operating a surf shop in Nicaragua, but that's classified.
Lock near a tandem search into my trash again.
You idiot, that's a complete spin.
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written by Ron Placone, Mark Van Landowitz, Steph Zamorano, Jim Earle, Mike McRae, and Roger Rittenhouse.
All the voices performed today by the one and the only of the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
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