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Feb. 20, 2020 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hello, this is Jimmy Doer.
Who's this?
Jimmy, this is Senator Mitt Romney of Utah.
Oh, hi, Senator.
The junior senator, I might add.
I'll tell you, Jimmy, the United States Senate is one of the few places left I can go and still feel young.
Yeah, I bet.
These guys are old as shit, man.
I get it, buddy.
I hear you.
Okay, boomer.
I say that a lot now.
Right.
So why are you calling today?
Well, Jimmy, I'd like to talk about CPAC for a moment.
Oh, right.
The big conservative convention thing that you got disinvited from after your impeachment vote?
Well, the truth of the matter is I was probably never invited to begin with.
You see, the guy in charge of the whole thing, Matt Schlapp, is not a fan of mine.
Jimmy, do you know Matt Schlapp?
No, Mitt.
I don't know Matt Schlapp.
Well, okay.
Well, first of all, his name is Matt Schlapp.
I'm not making that up.
That's his real name.
Right, right, right.
Schlap.
Schlap.
It sounds like a name I would make up and give to a boogeyman that I've invented to scare my grown sons from leaving the yard.
Yes, yes, it does.
Well, yeah, well, he doesn't want me there, but I'll fox him.
Little does Senior Schlapp know.
I'm a master of disguise.
What?
Oh, absolutely, Jimmy.
I can tell you this in confidence, but I guarantee you, I will be attending CPAC, not as Mitt Romney, but rather as one of my alter egos.
As you and everyone else now knows, for example, I had a secret Twitter account for a long time where I post as one Pierre Delecto.
This is going to be a piece of cake.
Yeah, but Mitt, that was on the internet where people can't see you.
This will be real life where you're visible to everybody.
Jimmy, the internet and real life aren't that dissimilar.
For example, they are both things that I don't completely understand.
Oh, I see.
I got it.
So this is going to be a real cloak and dagger weekend for me.
First of all, I have a fake ID now that says Pierre Delecto.
But Mitt, that's the name that was in the news when you were outed as the real Pierre Delecto.
Exactly.
It has vague name recognition.
People will think I know that guy, but not remember exactly from where.
The key is to not appear to be a total stranger.
Okay.
Another key is to distract from the face.
I'll be wearing sunglasses and a fake mustache, but that might not be enough to obscure my very recognizable jawline.
Therefore, I will chuke them out with a top hat, which I can pass off as an homage to Abraham Lincoln, and a belt buckle that lights up and says, who farted?
I apologize for the scatological reference, but it will be a very effective distraction.
Let me get this straight, Mitt.
Your disguise is you, Mitt Romney, billionaire, gonna wear a top hat.
That's gonna be your disguise.
Well, I know.
It's an airtight plan.
Okay, okay.
So what's the final piece of the puzzle is my voice, which is very distinctive.
Right.
That's why there's so many of these online jabronis doing impressions of me.
Luckily, I am a master at disguising my voice.
Oh, really?
Is that so?
Yes, it is.
You may be surprised to learn, Jimmy, that I can toss out this flat Midwestern standard American dialect and replace it with 100% genuine New York City.
Really?
Yeah, really?
Check it out.
And hey, who wants a pizza pie over here?
Yeah.
I need a pizza pie.
Hey, I'm walking here to the premiere of a Martin Scorsese movie.
Step aside, Mon.
Step aside, Mon.
Ricketon.
Mitt.
All right, Mitt.
That's starting to sound Jamaican.
Okay, well, fine, that I'm from Jamaica, Queens.
You know, different neighborhoods have slightly different accents, you know.
Well, Mitt, we wish you luck with your quest to sneak in the CPAC, but will you keep us posted on how it goes?
Oh, absolutely.
I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't really foresee a problem getting in, unless they have a Klazar machine at the entrance.
What is a Klazar machine?
Oh, that's the machine designed to detect the radioactive cesium atoms that Trump had injected into the lymph nodes of every Republican politician so we would do his bidding.
Oh, well, wait, never mind.
I had my lymph nodes surgically removed before the impeachment vote so Trump couldn't fatally blood poison me by pushing a button on his desk.
I forgot.
Never mind.
Pierre DeLecto, over and out.
All right.
Mitt Romney.
Establishment media sets on its fighting.
So good love the bullshit they can't afford comedian speeds and jumps the medium and hit some head-on.
It's the Jimmy Door show.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
Next live, Jimmy Door shows March 1st at Miami and May 1st in Minneapolis.
Plus, we've announced Chicago in August.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for all of our live shows.
Hey, let's get to the joke before we get to the joke, shall we?
Hey, did you hear in an attempt to boost her sagging poll numbers?
Liz Warren's medical records just accused Bernie Sanders' medical records of being sexist.
Hey, this week I learned that the Democratic Establishment's code to live by for 2020 is blue no matter who, unless it's a socialist Jew.
Before we forget, we hate Tulsi too.
An oligarch billionaire, racist, conservative warmonger, all the above, no big deal.
That'll do.
Did you know Mike Bloomberg made an ad literally just complaining about Bernie supporters being mean to him on Twitter?
He made the okay boomer of political ads.
That's true.
To reveal just how toxic Bernie supporters are online, they're so toxic that to show a 20-second collage of them on Twitter, he had to use the same account multiple times.
Hey, did you hear that during that rumor Bloomberg's going to pick Hillary as a running mate?
Did you hear that?
Boy, Republicans stick together.
Am I right?
Come on.
I'm a little nervous about Nevada.
I don't know how you guys feel about it, but I'm sure whichever election official who's married to Pete Budagig strategist?
They'll assure us that it was completely fair.
I can't specifically pinpoint when our democracy died, but I like to think it happened the day Jack in the Box revealed their new bacon milkshake.
Did you hear Jeff Bezos just pledged to spend $10 billion?
That's 8% of his fortune to fight climate change because that's just how much he cares about the world.
8%.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
Buddha Gig caught faking black support once again.
Was Julian Assange offered a pardon by Donald Trump?
The answer just may surprise you.
Or will it?
Plus, establishment media manufacturing consent for war in Syria, always forgetting to tell their viewers who started the Syrian war.
Plus, we've got phone calls today from Mitt Romney, David Axelrod, and Barack Obama.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Door Show.
So it happened again.
So Pete Budegag is pretending that black people like him again.
This happened once before.
Normally, if this happens once, it could end your career.
But he keeps going.
Here it is.
So this has just happened.
Democrat Pete Budigaj overstated pledges of support from black leaders and public figures.
This is from ABC News.
What's the date on this?
This February 18th.
Poll show he faces an ongoing challenge, finding support from voters of color.
When Democratic presidential candidate Pete Budigaj touted support from African-American comedian and actor Keegan Michael Key last week, his campaign was forced just hours later to clarify that the actor had not officially endorsed the former South Bad Bayer, telling reporters he only saw to encourage early voting and voter registration.
Oh, he must have just misheard the guy.
I saw him.
He must have just been like, I encourage you to vote early.
I encourage you to make sure you're registered.
Oh, you love me.
Thanks.
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
I'm keeping it.
I can't hear what you're saying.
I think you're saying this is the most important election of our lifetimes.
And we need real solutions, not just glib platitudes, right?
Which is why I'm offering my solutions of compassion.
It's time for a bold moderate.
I hear you.
I trust the American people to make a choice with their health care.
The first indications that there was confusion about some of Budagig's claims of support came in October when the campaign issued a press release in South Carolina that identified Rehoboth, Baptist pastor and state representative Ivory Thigpen and Johnny Cordero, chairman of the Democratic Black Caucus.
They listed them as prominent backers of Pete Budegig's Douglas plan for Black America.
But it turns out I never endorsed the Douglas plan.
And it's not necessarily that it was a bad plan, but people have got to understand.
You can't talk forward, black people.
We're very capable of speaking for ourselves, said Cordero to ABC News, adding that he was given no explanation as to why or how the mix-up occurred.
So Pete Budegig put out this thing.
He puts Frederick Douglass's name on it, calls it the Douglas Plan to help people of color.
And then he says that all these black people endorse it.
They didn't.
So that was back freaking last October.
So that should have barely made a blip on the news cycle.
You know, I wish he would have faked support from Assad because they would have never stopped talking about it.
So, but now this is a new thing he's doing.
So this is just, this just happened, this new thing.
And here's Ryan Grimm.
He's going to tell you exactly how it happened.
It's just incredible.
And there are a lot of examples that ABC has, but the most devastating are these black small business owners in South Carolina who the campaign called up and said, hey, we'd like to come by for lunch.
Is that cool?
Okay.
Great.
Yeah.
We are a restaurant.
We serve food.
We exchange food for money.
Yeah.
We're welcome.
You're welcome.
And so six, eight people, one came and spent $90 on lunch for a group that included mostly Buddha Judge staffers.
And then the woman, Diane, it's Diane's Kitchen, sees in the newspaper that she's now a partner with the Buddha Judge campaign.
Gosh.
So ABC News calls Diane.
Diane says, I'm not a partner.
So the ABC News calls the Buddha Judge campaign.
Buddha Judge campaign starts emailing Diane and calling Diane, trying to get her to tell ABC that, oh, yeah, yeah, I absolutely am a partner.
She then shares the email exchanges with ABC.
They spell her name wrong.
They call her Diana.
And eventually they agree on a statement that says that basically that the staff ate lunch at the restaurant.
But there's a bunch of examples of this.
So Ryan, here's the crazy.
So that's what Buddha is doing now.
So he's doing it again, pretending.
Believe me, if this was the people's candidate doing this, the press would not stop.
He'd be forced out of the race.
But there's going to be a debate tonight.
I wonder if it will even come up.
Last time, Kamala Harris didn't even go after him for this.
It's like he's getting bolder, too.
Like the next time he's just going to go up to a black person and be like, hey, you know, I'm running.
Nice to meet you.
And they'll be like, oh, nice to meet you too.
Thank you for the endorsement.
I didn't endorse you.
No, gibsy backsies.
Jimmy answered the door the other day.
Somebody was stopping for Buddha Giggig.
I answered the door, and there's this young woman, I don't know, young.
She's in her 30s.
And she looked beaten down.
This is her look on her face.
I saw you have a Tulsi sign.
I'm working for Pete Buddha Gig.
I lost a bet, and I just got to get through this.
And I'm like, you know what?
I hope she's being paid, right?
I hope she's being paid to door knock, right?
Because it looks like.
She's not.
No.
No, people don't.
I mean, Bloomberg certainly.
Bloomberg has 800 staffers like that.
And each of them get an iPhone and a new MacBook Pro.
So I want to, and I was going to pull out my phone and start asking her questions like, why do you like Buddha gig and what are you doing?
But I just, she just, she just seemed, she's like, okay.
Like that.
I just let her.
And then she left us a card of Pete smiling.
Oh, did she?
Did it have any words on it or was it just him smiling?
It was just, here's, here's an issue.
She says good things.
Platitudes.
Here's the thing we're supposed to give people.
I don't know.
You know, I was canvassing for Bernie over the weekend.
I saw a picture of you on Twitter canvassing for Bernie.
Yeah.
And we met in a park.
Like usually you meet your people in a park and they tell you what you have to do and then you go to doors or whatever.
And I had just gotten out of my car and I saw a bunch of signs.
I figured that was the group and I started walking towards it.
And I was like, wow, it's a really small group today.
And everyone looks like kind of down.
Like they're not excited.
Uh-oh.
I kept getting closer.
Then I noticed people were giving me dirty looks.
And then I noticed this was actually on their shirts and it Said Pete for America.
And I was like, ooh.
And then there was a much better attended group of bigger attended people at a picnic table with a bunch of signs that said Bernie.
And I was like, that's where I'm supposed to be.
That's where I'm supposed to be.
So I want to get back to that in a second, but let's see what he thinks.
The weird thing is.
And I tweeted this.
It was basically like, I think this only happened because nobody paid attention to your original story about the Douglas plan.
I mean, like you said, a lot of people online care, but on cable news, they ask a question about the debate.
And Kamala Harris doesn't even take the opportunity.
See, he's making the same point that I just made that I ripped off from him when the first time I saw.
So here's his original report.
Pete Buddy touted three major supporters of his Douglas plan for Black America.
They were alarmed when they saw it because they didn't endorse it.
So how this guy gets away with this shit is actually easy to understand because he's the tapped candidate from the donor class.
The donor class runs the media and they run the DNC.
And there you go.
What else you need to know?
And then they also run Facebook now, right?
So they got Facebook.
They got the Ministry of Truth motherfuckers over there, that guy Ryan Cooper, who used to, who was spreading lies about war at CNN International for most of his career.
And now he's the Ministry of Truth guy over at Facebook, flagging anything that tells the truth about Pete Budigig.
So that's how it happens.
How does it happen?
Because the donor class runs this whole goddamn country.
They run the media.
And how did they do that?
Because Bill Clinton passed the Telecommunications Act of 1996.
And what was that?
That took us from 50 giant media companies down to six.
That's what that is.
And now you know why we, now you know why we have two racist, fascist billionaires running for president, one in each party.
Isn't that amazing?
That is amazing.
You want to know else?
That's amazing.
Can I tell you one little fact about Pete Budigig?
Actually, his father, you know, is a professor, was a professor.
Marxist.
Aha.
Marxist.
His father was very good friends with hold Cornell West.
All right.
And just so you know, Cornell says, yes, I knew Pete when he was a little kid.
I know Pete, but he's not endorsing Pete.
No.
He's endorsing Bernie.
Well, not according to Pete.
If you listen to him, he says Cornell West endorsed him.
I forgot I knew that guy.
Yeah, he endorsed me.
I just, Pete Booty, I've just been endorsed by the Harlem Globetrotters, the NBA.
Anyway, yeah, he's having a so I there's this Super Tuesday is really going to be a big shakeout.
So they're really pushing for Bloomberg.
He's got to make a he's got to win a few.
But no, he's got shot too.
I see a lot of talking dogs in California.
They're everywhere.
LaRo, when you go out and you knock on doors, what are those conversations like?
Well, I mean, I'm also.
I don't like it when people knock on my door.
Yeah.
I don't want to fucking talk.
I'm in the middle of doing something all the time.
You know, I got to say, everybody was pleasant.
Really?
Everybody was.
I mean, not everyone was like a total supporter.
A lot were.
Like a lot were like, yeah, we're on board with Bernie.
Some were like, oh, we don't know yet, but yeah, we'll take some issues.
And what do you tell them?
You just.
What are your big issues?
Do you ask them, like, what are your big issues?
Yeah, you can.
You can be like, oh, well, what are your big issues?
And then the big thing that we were doing is like making sure people were registered to vote and stuff like that and what have you.
So, you know, that's the big thing.
And if they're totally like, I'm not for Bernie, then you're just like, all right, you know, have a nice day.
Like, you're not supposed to like really engage in a big debate with them or whatever at their house.
I'm going to tell them the fuck off.
I think that's round upon too.
I was going to ask for clarification, but yeah, it was a pleasant experience.
Dude, I see your 2006 Taurus in the driveway.
I think you fucking want to hear about Bernie.
Right?
I don't know.
I don't know what you would say.
That's not everybody, you know, like that would, I don't know if I would be good at that.
I don't think I would be good at the knocking on the doors.
Well, did you go up to any doors that had signs in front?
Like if they had a Warren sign, would you go up to that door?
I would, but I didn't, I didn't see any of that.
So we have the.
Yeah, in our neighborhood.
And people still came up.
I mean, you use an app.
Like, there's an app and it tells you.
So, so it's like a lot of these, they're people that.
Oh, you did it too, Ruby?
I used to be a canvasser for local campaigns.
Oh, really?
Our main goal was just to get people to register to vote.
A lot of them in the community, they weren't registered at all.
So even just asking them to vote for someone wouldn't be relevant.
But it's just to make sure that people are aware that there are elections going on.
It affects them directly.
And a lot of people just don't care.
And the other thing that we were really adamant on doing, too, was telling people, like, we knew if they were like no party preference.
Oh, so you can tell.
So we told them about the crossover.
We were like, make sure you get a crossover ballot.
Make sure you request that so you can vote for president.
Oh.
Oh, because otherwise they'll hand you a ballot without that.
Without the president on it.
Right.
And if you just say, apparently, too, if you're just like, well, I want a Democrat ballot or something like that, they're going to say, well, we can't give that.
You have to specifically say crossover to get the ballot.
You're going to have to vote for president.
Yeah.
But, you know, we already know that a lot of people, it's highly recommended that you use your mail-in ballots here in the state of California.
And I think we have 11 days.
Yes.
So there's a big story out today.
A lot of misleading headlines about Julian Assange.
I don't know if you've seen them.
Have you seen them, Ron?
So here's one of them.
It's from Daily Beast.
Now, the Daily Beast, doesn't this?
The Chelsea Clinton sits on the board of Daily Beast.
So, you know, it's a rag.
Trump offered Assange pardon if he covered up Russian hack.
Now, that's fake news.
Now, I don't want to quibble with a headline, but that's complete bullshit.
There was no Russian hack, as Bill Binney proved, and as we revealed on this show.
Because if there was a Russian hack, guess what?
The NSA would have the fucking evidence and then they would reveal it to everybody, just like John F. Kennedy revealed the pictures of the Russian missiles going to Cuba, right?
So they would have released it.
They didn't release it.
You know why?
Because it doesn't exist.
And that comes from the top code breaker ever at the NSA, Bill Binney.
Of course, you're never going to see him on MSNBC or CNN or quoted in the New York Times or the Washington Post.
Why?
Because he's actually telling the truth about our intelligence community.
So those people don't get, you know, who does get on?
The head liar at the CIA.
They get a contract at MSNBC and CNN.
So this was a bullshit headline, but here's the story.
Assange's lawyers said on Wednesday that former Republican congressman Dana Rohrbacher offered Julian Assange the deal in 2017, a deal.
A year after those, that was a year after the emails that damaged Hillary Clinton in the presidential race had been published.
WikiLeaks posted the stolen DNC emails after they were hacked by Russian options.
Now, they're just making this up.
That's just made up.
This is fake news.
Of course, the Facebook fact checkers are not, you know, the Ministry of Truth over at the Facebook is not going to flag this as fake news, even though it is.
This is straight up bullshit reporting.
This is 100% propaganda.
I like their choice of descriptor for the emails, too.
They didn't say the emails that revealed play by the DNA reveal.
The Democratic has said they damaged our queen.
They damaged, they hurt our queen, Hillary.
We do not speak of those emails.
They are those who email's names must not be mentioned.
Edward Fitzgerald, who was representing Assange in court, said that he had evidence that a quid pro quo was put to Assange by Rohrbacher, who was known as Putin's favorite congressman.
What the fuck?
He had it on a name tag.
Putin loves me.
This isn't that guy.
And they're not laughed at, and they're not laughed out of the business, these people, right?
Like this, they're considered a regular news outlet.
By some.
Yes, not by me.
This is hilarious, right?
Yeah.
Fitzgerald said a statement, a statement produced by Assange's personal lawyer, Jennifer Robinson, included a description of Mr. Rohrbacher going to see Mr. Assange and saying, on instructions from the president, that he was offering a pardon or some other way out if Mr. Assange said that Russia had nothing to do with the DNC leaks.
White House.
Here's the problem with this.
He has already said Russia has nothing to do with this.
So I don't understand.
So let's finish it and then we'll come back.
White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham denied the allegation on Wednesday.
She said, quote, the president barely knows Dana Rohrbacher other than he's an ex-congressman, she said in a statement.
He's never spoken to him on this subject or almost any subject.
It is a complete fabrication and a total lie.
This is probably another never-ending hoax and a total lie from the DNC.
Dot, dot, dot.
But isn't that Putin's guy?
She later said.
At no time did I talk to President Trump about Julian Assange, the former congressman said.
Likewise, I was not directed by Trump or anyone else connected with him to meet with Julian Assange.
I was on my own fact-finding mission at personal expense to find out information I thought was important to our country.
He went on, at no time did I offer Julian Assange anything from the president because I had not spoken with the president about this issue at all.
However, when speaking with Julian Assange, I told him that if he could provide me information and evidence about who actually gave him the DNC emails, I would then call on the president to pardon him.
Well, that makes sense.
That makes sense.
We can say, and we have said repeatedly over the last two months that our source is not the Russian government and it is not a state party.
That's Julian.
So there you go.
He's already said repeatedly, we didn't get it from Russia.
So this whole story doesn't make any sense.
Why would he turn down if this was actually a deal offered to him?
Why would he turn it down?
It's like, that's what really happened.
Russia didn't do it.
Yeah, well, that's what a lot of people have been tweeting.
I mean, Glenn Greenwald tweeted something, like, who tweeted that exact same thing.
He's like, he's been saying the whole time, not a state actor, not a state actor.
He's been saying this the entire time.
Yeah, this wasn't.
So it wasn't like all of a sudden.
So these headlines that say, oh, Julian Assange is going to cover up.
He was offered to cover up.
No, that's why this doesn't make sense.
He's been saying this all along.
He didn't get this from a government or a state actor.
So why do you think?
So what's the angle of the establishment in doing this today?
What's their angle?
Well, I guess it's because Julian Assange's lawyer has asserted this to be a thing.
I mean, yeah, that's the only guess I have so far, too.
I mean, I know that the trial is coming up on the 25th or 24th or 25th.
Like one of those is like the big day where it's all going to go down.
So I guess some information is coming to the surface.
But yeah, there's still, I think, because of all the confusion going on, they should just pardon Julian Assange.
That's what I think.
They should just pardon him immediately.
I think we should let him go until we can figure out what the hell's going on.
That's right.
That's what Trump would say, right?
I think we're going to have a pause in our prosecution of Julian Assange.
It's going to be a phenomenal pause.
It's going to be one of the most unbelievable pauses we've ever had in a prosecution.
People talk about the pause.
I can't even think of it.
Huge pause.
I can't even think of another.
It's going to be a big league pause.
Big pause.
It's going to go on from now until a long, long, long, long, long, long time.
This is a long.
This is going to be the most phenomenal.
This is going to be a paw bigger than a woolly mammoth's paw.
No, this is a different pause.
There's pies, not pie.
No.
Ha, ha, ha.
*music*
Hello.
Hey, happy anniversary, Jimmy.
Thanks, but anniversary of what?
Only the longest love affair in history, babes.
11 years ago today, I bailed out Wall Street.
And you're welcome.
For what?
For thanking me for my service.
For that was the day America truly pulled up a damn pants.
But you didn't do anything but bail out a bunch of criminals.
And what?
And pave the way for the longest streak of job creation in American history.
Oh, yeah.
What kind of jobs, though, Brock?
Pants pullers.
Pants pullers?
You heard me right.
Today on virtually every street corner here at McDonald's or Payday Loan Office or even one of those sign twirler guys.
You know those guys?
That's jobs, jobs, jobs.
People from all walks of life coming together and pulling their damn pants up.
You know, I never looked at it that way.
It does not matter, Jimmy.
People aren't just pulling their pants up.
They're pulling each other's pants up, too.
People letting a helping hand pulling their neighbors' pants up while they're pulling the pants of their own pants up.
Pants across America.
It takes a village of pants.
Let me pull your pants up, Jimmy.
No, you can't pull my pants up.
Oh, come on.
You know how to do it.
You just got to start with the bootstraps.
Then you pull yourself up from your back.
That's America.
That's hope.
Wait, how do you pull yourself up from your pants after you got your boots on?
You'd have to pull your pants on over your boots.
This is easy.
Big pants.
America's always been a land of big pants.
Don't you forget it.
Big pants are for big ideas.
Our pants are full of hope.
Our pockets are full of wishes.
And our end fame is the stuff dreams are made of.
My trousers are already on securely.
Thank you very much.
Not trousers, pants.
What are you, Fred Mertz?
Not slacks, not trousers, pants.
Kids, Google, Fred Mertz.
But can I still keep my trousers and slacks?
Of course.
With the Affordable Pants Act, you can still keep your trousers and slacks, but you still got to pull up your damn pants or you'll have to pay a fine.
Now, pull up your damn pants, son, and get it together before I drop a bomb on your ass.
Okay.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show: you become a premium member.
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Thanks for your support.
Wow, David Axelrod's calling me again.
Hello.
Hello, Jimmy.
This is David Axelrod.
How is your special lady doing, Bob?
You okay?
Doing fine.
Thank you.
On Valentine's Day, did you treat her fine like she deserves?
Like a real lady?
Did you show her how special she is?
That's kind of personal, David.
I only asked because over my long and starried political career as a political firebrand, I have learned how to master the power of animal passion in order to funnel big dividends into my love account at the Bank of Her America.
The Bank of Her America?
Patent pending.
Read about it in my new book.
It's called A Divorce Because He's Gay and Now He Wants Out.
You wrote an advice book on relationships.
Absolutely.
And to help write it, I sat down with the phenomenal David Gergen to tap his animal instincts based on a half-century of experience in the arena of love, including his service to four presidents.
But what makes you and David Gergen experts on relationships?
We are also seasoned veterans in two of the biggest names in politics who are on the edge over the top and in your face with our envelope pushing bad attention.
So what's your secret to a successful relationship?
I will teach you how to reclaim your inner stud.
You must make your woman feel wanted.
I do that by sleeping on the couch.
It's my way of saying, hey, I'm sleeping on the couch.
I find that women really appreciate that.
Any advice on what to do when you get dumped?
When you get dumped, you have to get off the pity party.
It's like David Gergen says, Some of you all ain't won it.
And that's why you ain't got it.
Well, I'm here to tell you to get off the pity potty.
Get out of your pity pantry.
Stop joining the new pity committee.
Stop attending your pity parties and marching in your pity parades.
Well, what is a pity parade?
It's time to take your shiz to another level.
Turn your shiz up a notch.
Take your shiz out of the box.
Put that shoes on a ramp and move that shiz ramp off the page.
Okay, but what exactly are you talking about?
Please let me continue.
After you move that ramp up and put that shiz in an envelope, you push that shiz envelope on the edge, turn it up a notch, and then set it on fire in your neighbor's doorstep.
In other words, get your shiz up the pity potty and out of the shizzy pity potty pantry party parade committee.
Wow, that was very helpful, David.
Thanks.
You're welcome, Jimmy.
Buy my book today, and I'll include my simple tips on how I overcame my inability to look at myself naked in a mirror.
Remove any pets you might have from the room.
Any final thoughts before the debate tonight in Nevada?
Yes, Bernie Sanders is clearly surging despite the lugubrious nature of his bloviating social media governance, creating all this undo hullabaloo.
And yes, I'm naked right now.
Connect the World tweeted out this video, and it's about what's happening in Syria right now.
So that guy's name is, no kidding, Mark Locock.
That's seriously his name.
That's his stage name.
That's not his porn name.
That's not his porn name.
That's his news name.
That's his news name.
Yeah.
And funnily, his porn name is Walter Cronkite.
And his best friend is Matt Slap.
So let's just watch this.
They're talking about what's happening in Syrias.
And I like to say Sirias as if it's a plural.
So let me see what this is with this report.
This is from CNN, right?
CNN.
And I haven't seen this.
I just saw this tweeted out.
And so I figured we'd take a look at it.
Here we go.
Let's see what it says.
Feels like to those people who you're showing on your pictures and who your correspondent has been talking about.
And it's been building up since December.
There is, of course, a huge relief operation where we are bringing tents and food and shelter and sleeping bags and stoves and warm clothes across the border from Turkey with the cooperation of the Turkish authorities.
But it's completely overwhelmed by this onslaught.
You know, if this goes on, what we're going to see is Itli, that part of northwestern Syria, turned into the world's biggest pile of rubble strewn with the corpses of a million children.
This is just unacceptable.
I mean, that is such a weak word for this.
In a recent op-ed, you described the displacement of Syrians in Idlib as quote: as they move, they look to the sky and wonder if they are about to be bombed.
They head north and west into the ever smaller space considered safe near the Turkish border.
Most camps are full, you said.
Many sleep in the open fields.
And this is what our correspondent has witnessed.
You say, Mark, that you have briefed the Security Council.
So we're one minute and 18 seconds into a three-minute and 29-second report.
What are you noticing that they're leaving out?
I haven't seen this before.
I saw this tweeted, and I wanted to see what this was about.
So we're watching it together for the first time in real time, live here.
What are you noticing that they're leaving out?
What I'm noticing that they're leaving out is how the hell this happened.
Why are there all these people in refugee camps?
They don't tell you how it happened.
Maybe they will.
There's another minute and a half left of this.
So let's watch it and see if they'll tell you.
Did you notice anything else, Ronnie?
No, I noticed that because at one point in it, I thought she was about to say, and This is because of our, and she was just saying our correspondence.
I thought she was about to go because of our intervention.
Imperialism.
Yeah.
But then, you know, of course, she didn't go there.
Of course, she didn't go there.
Well, let's see.
Let's see.
There's another, there's still hope.
Month after month on the consequences of inaction.
And yet, we are seeing inaction.
Why have your briefings failed to move the needle on this?
Well, you know, of course, the fact is that the Security Council is divided on this issue.
And unfortunately, what happens when there is a problem like this where veto holding powers on the Security Council disagree with each other is that they are stymied into inaction.
Now, as you've been reporting earlier, some other parties are starting to look at this in a different way.
We're following closely how the Turkish authorities are seeing things.
Of course, these people are right on their border.
Turkey already is host to three and a half million refugees.
And President Erdian has been speaking very clearly about how unacceptable he finds this.
But unless something changes, the trajectory we're on is of the world's biggest humanitarian horror story of the 21st century.
So something needs to change.
And yet, this weekend in Munich, the world's top military.
So the biggest, so the two biggest, I'm going to guess, humanitarian crisis happening right now in the world would be Yemen and now in Syria.
Isn't it interesting?
Who's responsible for those two things?
Is it the Koran?
Is it terrorists?
It's the West.
It's the United States.
I would also add Libya to that.
It's Saudi Arabia.
It's the West.
It's the United States.
It's France.
It's Britain.
Again, they haven't gotten to what the problem is here.
They haven't mentioned it.
They still haven't mentioned it.
Let's see.
There's a little bit.
There's no hope.
There's still hope.
There's a minute left on this report.
Let's see what they say.
Political brass got together to talk global security, and yet Syria seemed to be almost completely absent from their agenda.
How do you explain that?
Well, I don't know.
I don't think it should be absent from the agenda.
I'm not there, of course.
I would like to see this story better covered.
Thank you for the coverage you're providing.
You know, the world is going to regret not dealing better with this problem.
And the, you know, the rationale that's provided that the government of Syria are trying to deal with a terrorist problem is not an acceptable response.
There are 100 civilians, most of them babies and little boys and girls, for every terrorist there.
So wiping out, slaughtering huge numbers of people cannot be a proportionate or acceptable response to this problem.
The world needs to wake up and do something different and stop.
Okay, so again, he's not telling you what the problem is.
The world needs to wake up and do what?
And do what?
Needs to wake up and do what?
Invade Syria, overthrow Assad?
Or how about you stop, you tell the world to stop funding terrorists inside Syria because that's what they're fighting.
And he goes, oh, for every terrorist, there's 100 pay baby civilians.
And why don't you want to get the terrorists out of Syria?
Why are you biting your tongue on this?
You know that we're funding the terrorists.
We funded the terrorists.
We brought them there.
We armed them.
And so the reason why I wanted to play this even more.
Well, there's still one second.
What if he says, end our wars?
End all wars.
That's a sign-up.
He's not saying, of course, he's not saying, of course, this was started by the West.
And it says, again, this is about a pipeline.
This is about Israel.
This is about us funding ISIS and terrorists and El Nusra, just like we did in Libya.
We're doing it again in Syria.
He doesn't say any of that stuff.
He makes it sound like this is unacceptable that Assad is doing this.
What's unacceptable is that we're causing this problem.
That's the part they're leaving out.
The whole cause of the problem never gets talked about.
And the reason why I, so I, this was tweeted out, and then this guy, Ben Taub, and he writes for the, I'm pretty sure the New Yorker.
Let me check.
Yeah, staff writer at the New Yorker.
He's focused on jihadism, espionage, war crimes, migration, and human trafficking.
He's focused on war crimes.
Apparently, he leaves it out here.
Bashar al-Assad and Vladimir Putin are on track to turn Idlib province into the world's biggest pile of rubble, strewn with the corpses of a million children.
That's the headline the guy from New Yorker puts on this.
It's Vladimir Putin and Assad.
That's the headline he puts on this.
They're going to kill a million kids.
The butcher.
That's the headline.
So then I, let's see what the first, as opposed to the al-Qaeda-linked Salafists, jihadists, who rule it now.
They have turned it into a liberal demand.
Oh, really?
They've turned it into a liberal democratic utopia.
Oh, this is a great one.
So this is a great, look at this.
So that's Barack Obama, and he's bringing a dummy.
And that dummy is an it looks like an ISIS fighter.
He goes to Syria.
He puts the ISIS fighter on top of Syria and he starts shooting.
Look, I'm shooting at ISIS.
Wrecks Syria.
And then him and ISIS go home.
Now he's taking it home to put pants on it.
That's right.
So that's the part they leave out, that this was a war manufactured by Barack Obama and the CIA.
And Israel.
They leave that part out.
Isn't that weird?
Did they leave that part out, Ron?
It was almost like they had to fill three minutes and that was like just what they were willing to do with it.
Like, all right, so it's really, really bad.
It's really horrible.
And we don't know how it happened, but it just kind of did.
It's just sort of here now.
And I wish we covered this better.
All right.
So I retweet this and I say establishment press manufacturing consent for war.
Because that's what that is.
When that guy tweets that out and he says Bashar al-Assad and Vladimir Putin are on track to turn Idlib province into the world's biggest pile of rubble strewn with corpses of a million children.
That's what that is.
That's war propaganda.
That's a guy from the establishment press doing what they do.
That's what they do.
That's what he does.
That's what they do.
They're never going to, he's not going to get a paycheck if he says, hey, our CIA war backfired again.
Look at how we're responsible for the deaths of these people because we sponsor terrorism inside Syria at the behest of a pipeline and Israel.
That guy's not going to tell you that.
But I will tell you that he's manufacturing consent for war, which is what they do.
That's what they do.
And so he comes, this guy says, we like war.
We are warlike people.
We like war because we are good at it.
You know why we are good at it?
Because we did a lot of, we get a lot of practice.
George Carlin.
Yeah, legendary Carlin.
So here, he comes in my mentions.
He comes back in my mentions.
This is his...
And he's telling me that I'm an idiot because I tweeted out his tweet and said he's manufacturing consent for war, which he is.
And he thought he's going to, this is him being clever.
This is what an establishment writer thinks is clever.
He can't think of something himself.
He has to do this.
And you see how many people liked it?
Zero.
Not one person.
Not one person liked it.
That was nine hours ago from a guy with a blue check.
Not one fucking person.
Everyone sees through you, Ben.
The world sees through the establishment news now.
I know you live in a bubble and you get paid to push more propaganda and you do it good.
You do a good job with it.
If you ever want to come on my show and debunk me, you're welcome.
You're welcome to come on.
I'm a dumb guy.
I got a C student.
I smoke pot in the morning.
You could probably destroy me.
You could probably destroy me.
I guarantee you my videos get more fucking played on your goddamn articles.
I'll tell you that.
But anyway, nice.
I don't know, but war propaganda is popular.
I mean, Rachel Maddow got really popular pushing the new Cold War and McCarthyism.
So maybe his articles do get me.
It's not on the scene right now.
It's kind of like a resurgence.
You know, like there was that third wave Scott Faze in the 90s.
Now war propaganda is in.
So maybe his articles actually do do better than our videos.
Who knows?
Let's see.
I said, doo-doo.
Oh, no.
He's got 32,000 followers.
So you know, he's super forgettable.
I bet he's doing great work.
He's got the platform of the fucking New Yorker.
He's only got 30,000 followers.
Whatever.
I bet he does great work.
The problem is when you're pushing war propaganda, Ben, is that everyone else is doing it too.
So it's hard to stand out.
It's very easy for us to stand out where we debunk it because no one else is fucking doing that.
No one's going to tell you the truth about war.
Certainly not at the New Yorker.
I don't appreciate the choice of GIF either.
I learned how to cook scallops because of watching Gordon Ramsey's show.
So, you know.
By the way, this GIF is about as funny as one of the cartoons in the New Yorker, am I right?
Oh, I made the mistake.
I laughed at him.
I broke a rule, laughed at my own joke.
Sorry.
But anyway, I wanted to show you that.
So that was, that was a great report from CNN that the guy from New Yorker, then, by the way, that's not even it.
He didn't even say this.
So the guy in the report from CNN, he didn't say Bashar al-Assad and Vladimir Putin are on track to turn.
He didn't say that.
That's not in that report.
That's that guy just putting that.
That's his, that's, he's like, hey, look, I have my transparency of propaganda that I put over yours, and mine has Vladimir Putin and Assad in it.
See, that's my, that's my little addition.
That's my contribution to this propaganda piece.
This little tag I added.
If you want to switch out the names, go ahead.
You know, it's just whatever.
You want to put in Maduro?
Go ahead.
Put in Maduro.
The beauty is that there will always be Ben Tobbs around, and there will always be the CNN.
So until they shut us down on YouTube, well, I'll always have a show.
Well, we'll always have a job because there'll always be war propaganda hacks at every establishment news.
You know, you only work.
There's only six.
You all work for the same six billionaires.
You know that?
You fucking, you big muckraker.
Fucking muckrakers working for fucking billionaires, spreading war propaganda.
Show me the last time the New Yorker got a war right.
Can you show me?
What was the last time the New Yorker got the Syrian gas attacks right?
Or Libya right?
Or Venezuela?
When was the last time they got fucking anything right?
Never.
I'm going to tell you, never.
Ben, if you don't know the great work that CNN has been doing on Syria, here it is.
Here's how, here's how, here's how CNN.
They sent a reporter over there to make sure there was a gas attack, Ben.
And you know how they made sure there was a gas attack?
They had her sniff a backpack.
You think I'm making this up?
Watch this, Ben.
There's definitely something that stings because you know, if you're a reporter and you think there was a deadly chemical gas on a backpack, the first thing you would do is sniff it.
Proving she knows there's not a chemical thing on that backpack, which is why she sniffed it, which is why she's a propagandist, which is why you're all fucking war propagandists.
That's why.
That's why I can do better work than you guys without trying.
All you got to do is watch this.
And if you're not paid.
There's definitely something that stings.
That's how the kids' minds work.
There's definitely something in that backpack.
It's either a gas attack or a tuna sandwich that combat.
Something's there.
Ooh, that's somebody's socks.
Is that it?
Oh, that guy was playing soccer.
So that's how that's how CNN reports Syria.
So that all that report that you tweeted out and you added your own little propaganda to the top of it, it's all worth what this is worth.
Nothing.
So good work, though.
Good work.
You can have fun after, you can tell everybody Jimmy Door did a video about you at the bar tonight.
You know, maybe tell Chris Cuobo.
Maybe you guys, I'm sure you'll see each other.
He's very tall.
Don't call him Fredo.
Or he'll throw you down the stairs.
He will run.
Better be a stairless bar.
That's right.
I hope.
Don't call him Fredo.
Not even as a joke.
Right.
Don't go.
Don't go to cheers.
There's too many stairs on the way down.
Just go to a regular bar because he will wreck your shit.
Joe Biden is going off the rails again.
Because he's speaking.
Because he's talking and people are asking him questions.
Joe's in public again.
So let's just watch.
And no one's found anything wrong with his dealings with Ukraine, except they say it sets a bad image.
Well, do you agree that it sets a bad image?
My son said that.
Do you think it was wrong for him to take that position?
My son said it sets a bad image.
I mean, he's happy to take the money, but it sets a bad image.
And my son said that, but he is, Worry about an image or take the 80 grand?
You're going to take the 80 grand store.
Come on.
Okay.
Knowing that it was really because that company wanted access to you.
Well, that's not true.
That's not true.
Lots of companies like giving people $80,000 a month for a fucking nothing job.
So you don't know what you're talking about.
And things you do not know what you're talking about.
That's right.
She doesn't know.
She doesn't know this.
Listen, reporter lady.
Lots of companies give people 80 grand a month whose father isn't the vice president.
Okay.
How do you explain that?
No one said that.
Who said that?
Who said that?
Why did he just say child?
You know he wants to say it.
Who said that, child?
He wants to say it so bad.
You know he wants to say it.
It's just one of those things where people think, well, that seems kind of sleazy.
Why would he have that job?
You know, sleazy, corrupt as hell, hypocritical.
I'll take your pick, Joe.
Take your pick, buddy.
If not for who his father was.
Because he's a very bright guy.
Because he's a very bright guy.
That's why he got the 80 grand because he's a very bright guy.
I wish the tape went a little bit farther, but that's where it ends.
And you know how long it takes to become a certified bright guy with a powerful dad?
It takes years of partying at nightclubs and banging up strippers.
Let me tell you.
Years.
You got to put in your 10,000 hours.
You know how much crack.
That's right.
You know how much crack you have to smoke before you become a very bright guy whose father is also the vice president and you get $83,000.
He just did a paternity test because he knocked up a stripper and he denied it.
He denied it.
I got no problem with people knocking up strippers.
I love strippers.
They're just like, you know, just like I used to say, kids are people too.
But I'm just saying, switch this around to being Trump's kids.
Could you imagine if Don Jr. knocked up a stripper and denied it, and then a DNA test proved it was him?
His hims's?
I can't believe that they would deny it was him's.
Days' Woods is.
Oh, no, kidding.
The testis has come back.
Sizzen.
It's yours.
Welcome to Maurice's.
Call your parents's.
The Luxes.
We're all going to your parents' house.
So I have a quick question.
How long do you think Biden's going to be able to stay in this race?
I don't know.
We'll see.
I hope he.
I think he's going to stay through to at least Super Tuesday, don't you think?
Oh, definitely.
Yeah.
Yeah.
At least.
Okay, so he's going to stay until March 3rd.
Yeah, I think.
Okay.
I think.
I think he'll be in it pretty much for the duration.
You think?
Yeah, I don't think Biden gets it.
Because he wanted to have some power at the convention.
Well, not just that, but I mean, I don't see him running out of money anytime soon.
Okay.
Good point.
That's when people drop out when they run out of money.
That's right.
I mean, I'd love to be wrong.
I'd love to see you.
But you're right about that.
Well, how's his fundraising?
I don't know, but he's got an upcoming debate on Friday, which I don't understand how this guy, he can't manage thoughts.
Who told you that?
Who?
Who said that?
You're talking about things that you don't know.
Child.
Why don't you go underwater and pull some hair on my leg?
You think I can't talk?
You want to do push-ups?
We'll do push-ups.
Vote for someone else.
That's his big thing.
Vote for someone else.
How is that?
How could that guy lose?
Didn't see it coming.
His go-to line was vote for someone else.
I'm not going to treat you right.
What the fuck?
No one says that shit.
Not even Trump.
The Onion had an article where the headline was something like, Biden tells a group of people to go fuck themselves in part of you.
I tweeted that out.
People think it's real.
Like, he finally did.
You guys predicted he was going to say the F-word.
You nailed it.
This is John Hallman, right?
That's that guy's name, John Hallman.
And then that's Willie Geist.
And now he wrote the movie, he co-wrote the movie.
That movie was Game Change.
Game Change.
It was called.
Yeah, John Hallman, Heilman.
Is there no doubt that if Bernie Sanders is looking like he's going to run away with it for the Democratic establishment, that's almost as scary as losing Donald Play?
Beating Donald Trump is really important.
Almost as important as keeping Bernie Sanders from being the party's nominee.
Whoa.
Whoa.
So what we've been saying here for the last four years is that the establishment would rather lose to Donald Trump than have Bernie Sanders win.
They're starting to say that out loud on television.
Can I hear it again?
Is there no doubt that if Bernie Sanders is looking like he's going to run away with it, for the Democratic establishment, that's almost as scary as losing Donald Play.
Beating Donald Trump is really important.
Almost as important as keeping Bernie Sanders from being the party's nominee.
And that will help Mike Bloomberg if that's where we end up in the first week of March.
So like we've said a million times, you said her, the first job of the Democratic Party, of Tom Perez's first job, is to defeat the candidate who represents the working class.
That's their first job.
Then and only then do they shift gears and try to defeat Donald Trump.
And that's what he just admitted there.
And everybody knows this.
You know who doesn't know it?
The people who watch them.
And now they just told them.
And they still won't know it.
I like how nobody even had flinching reaction.
They did not.
Yeah, like not even one of those.
We don't see that out loud.
I mean, we know, but we don't say that.
You keep that to yourself.
That's break room talk.
Yes.
That's what we say at the donor dinner.
Double D. Double D talk.
Double D talk.
Yeah, there you go.
Would you like to hear it again?
Because I would.
Is there no doubt that if Bernie Sanders is looking like he's going to run away with it for the Democratic establishment, that's almost as scary as losing Donald Plake?
Beating Donald Trump is really important.
Almost as important as keeping Bernie Sanders from being the party's nominee.
And that will help Mike Bloomberg if that's where we.
Wow.
Wow.
Share that with all of your friends.
Make it your ringtone.
Wow.
Wow, that ring sounds like Mitt Romney.
Hello.
You like me.
You really like me.
Mitt, what are you talking about?
Hollywood, my 45%er friend.
I can't get over the fact that you like me.
You really, really like me.
Who likes you and why?
The great show of courage, strength, and integrity I displayed voting to convict Donald Trump.
By the way, I'll still take any job he offers me when he's re-elected.
Big shout out, Mr. President.
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written by Ron Placone, Mark Van Landowitz, Steph Zamarano, Jim Earl, Mike McRae, and Roger Rittenhouse.
All the voices performed today by the one and the only of the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
That's it for this week.
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