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Feb. 13, 2020 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:00:24
20200213_TJDS_20200213_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
I don't recognize this number.
Let's see who this is.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Who is this?
Hello, Jimmy.
This is Mayor Pete.
Oh, wow.
It's Pete Bootig.
Thanks for calling the show.
How are you?
Jimmy, we are doing fantastic.
And I apologize for waiting so long to reach out to you.
Oh, it's no hard feelings, Mayor Pete, at all.
You see, I didn't predict this campaign lasting as long as it has.
So developing an impression of somebody who would be gone in two weeks was simply not an investment I was willing to make.
I see.
So why are you calling now?
Well, Jimmy, the campaign and I wanted to reach out.
When Joe Rogan endorsed Bernie Sanders, that dominated an entire online news cycle.
Jimmy, our campaign has both traditional and non-traditional elements.
For example, I coax my supporters into filming themselves doing a ridiculous dance to a terrible song.
No other campaign has so far achieved this.
The online world can't be ignored.
I need to find my own Joe Rogan.
Oh, I see.
Well, if you're looking for an endorsement, no offense, but I'm afraid you come to the wrong place, buddy.
Well, Jimmy, I never expect to receive anything without earning it.
If you have a moment, I would like to talk to you and your listeners about the campaign.
Oh, all right, sure.
Why not?
Jimmy.
The campaign is about inclusivity.
Division and divisiveness have dominated our political system for too long.
No campaign without a big tent is going to defeat Donald Trump in November.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, got it.
All right.
These are the values we hold sacred.
Values that, although challenged, the American people refuse to allow them to be swept aside.
The campaign acknowledges and respects this.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Moving forward.
United.
The campaign is one.
We are all one.
A thing that is so much greater than simply the sum of its parts.
How small we are all as individuals, including me and Chaston, when compared with the sheer mass of this sum.
Diversity.
Okay, Mayor Pete, you're doing this thing that you do sometimes where you talk, but you really don't say anything.
Jimmy, I am but a vessel through which the campaign speaks.
The campaign is one.
The campaign is me, but it can also be you.
The campaign decides.
We, as entities, are insignificant.
Okay, look, Mayor Pete, you seem to be saying that you have a similar relationship to your campaign as Bernie Sanders, who famously couched that relationship as not me, us.
Yes, that is one way to put it, Jimmy.
That the campaign is a collective effort that is reflective of collective action.
Another way to put it is that the campaign is a billion-year-old sentient crystal buried deep within the core of a planet millions of light years from Earth.
Over the epochs, it has slowly but aggressively mind-melded with the various intelligent beings of the universe.
The campaign is unaware of its own provenance.
It is supremely intelligent, yet immobile, and must therefore experience life via psychic connection.
And now it is our turn.
And I couldn't be more excited about the future.
The campaign, it is here.
Mayor Pete, you're scaring me and my staff right now.
Within the campaign, there is no fear, Jimmy.
Join us.
Look, I'm a single-payer guy.
You're not about that.
So let's just leave it there, all right?
Jimmy, the energy Bernie has generated by his support for Medicare for all is insignificant compared to the energy generated by a billion quasars.
Okay.
Okay.
Join us, Jimmy.
Believe me, victory is assured.
The campaign wills it.
All right, look, I gotta go.
Thanks.
Okay, well, at least please go like our Facebook page.
Establishment media sets of artists fighting.
So good luck bullshit we can't afford momenting this book.
Watch and see as a jack doll comedian who speeds and jumps comedium and hits him head-on.
It's the Jimmy Door show.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this with Jimmy Door Show.
We'll see you February 28th.
That's a Friday in Burbank, California, our next live Jimmy Door show, plus Miami on March 1st.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for all our tickets to all our live shows.
Now let's get to the jokes before we get to the joke, shall we?
Speaking of jokes, Deval Patrick suspending his campaign.
What?
Yeah.
Wow, after that totally legit Iowa showing he had.
Isn't it funny?
Did you see Pete Buddhig?
He got booed offstage.
They're calling him Wall Street Pete up in New Hampshire.
Election 2020, a guy who lost the popular vote in Iowa and New Hampshire at a general events is getting booed off stage.
That guy is technically ahead because our democracy is great in the envy of the world.
From now on, I'm referring to him as Pete Budoff stage.
I love that.
It's all the delivery.
Pete Budoff stage.
Hey, nepotism Nazi Megan McCain doesn't think Bernie should be the nominee, giving Bernie another solid endorsement.
Hey, did Jaffa New Hampshire?
Liz Warren doubled down about her and A.B. Klomachar being the only candidates that aren't billionaires or funded by super PACs.
There's two things Liz Warren refuses to do.
One, tell the truth, and two, learn what a selfie actually is.
Do you get the feeling that Liz Warren is one Hillary Clinton endorsement away from losing this primary?
Did you know that 56 years ago this week, the Beatles made their first appearance in America on the Ed Sullivan show?
I know this is true because Brian Williams reported he was the one playing drums.
If your broken Iowa shadow app sits on top of your renamed Nevada shadow app, you just might be in a conspiracy.
Don't get it, Dune.
If every single delay, corn toss, math error, and fuck-up in your Primary process seems to target the progressive frontrunner in favor of candidates backed by billionaires.
You just might be in a conspiracy.
Don't get her done.
Scientists now say that they've discovered a series of mysterious radio signals emanating from a single source, a half billion light years from Earth.
They believe it may be the final vote totals from the Iowa Democratic caucus.
What's coming up on today's show?
The media caught lying to boost Buddhajigigig multiple times.
Plus, the Nevada Democratic Party just hired Pete Budegig organizer to be their voter protection director.
No kidding.
Plus, true information about the Iowa cheating in favor of Pete Budegig gets flagged as fake news by Facebook.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Pete Budigigig, Harrison Ford, Chuck Schumer, and Chris Christie.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore show.
How nice Harrison Ford's calling me.
Hello, Harrison.
I know.
Yes.
What?
You can say that again.
And furthermore, how did you get this number?
No, I didn't.
You called me Harrison.
You don't have to be so formal.
Just call me Harrison.
What's happening, Harrison?
What is that supposed to mean?
Can I ask you who you're going to vote for in the primary?
Go ahead.
Who are you going to vote for in the primary?
What primary?
The Democratic primary.
Oh, that primary.
I already voted.
Oh, for who?
John Edwards.
I like his ideas.
His campaign has a low carbon footprint.
No, no, Harrison.
That was over a decade ago.
Well, did he win or not?
No, he did not win.
Look, let's not go there, okay?
Politics isn't my thing.
Let's stick to the subject of my next big film project.
Very proud of it.
I've been waiting for years to continue with Spielberg as director in this film series thing.
Thingaroo.
laughter laughter Oh, you mean the latest Indiana Jones movie?
America has lost its moral fiber.
How so?
Yes, Jimmy.
I can't wait to return as Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind 5.
You mean Indiana Jones 5?
Our position in the world is tenuous because of our lack of moral leadership, essentially, I think.
Why do you think that is?
Because we're facing some real pressing issues in America, and there's only one way to sort them out.
How's that?
Unless the services of a world-renowned daredevil archaeologist and his trusted companion, C-3PO.
Period.
End of story.
Pilot the tower.
What's my goddamn polling place?
Over.
Portions of today's Jimmy Dore show were recorded live at the improv in Tempe, Arizona.
Here is a you want a sure sign that the not now the establishment is starting to say the quiet part out loud, right?
So here's John Heilman on MSNBC with Willie Geist, and he's going to tell you that Bernie Sanders, meaning a candidate who represents workers, is a big problem for the Democratic Party.
Watch this.
Is there no doubt that if Bernie Sanders is looking like he's going to run away with it for the Democratic establishment, that's almost as scary as losing Donald Flake.
Beating Donald Trump is really important, almost as important as keeping Bernie Sanders from being the party's nominee.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, you guys, stopping a fascist is really important, but stopping a guy who's going to give us health care is just as important, okay?
We got to first stop that guy, and then we can think about stopping the fascists.
But watch the rest of the people on the panel.
Nobody blinks an eye.
Watch.
That will help, like Bloomberg, if that's where we end up in the first week of March.
Really, the people.
They just, that's it.
They were like, oh, yeah, that makes, yeah, you're right.
Bernie's a big fucking problem.
That's what they're all saying.
Go ahead.
We're like, we're like five years away from every new newscast, just being a bunch of people sitting around going, what do you think poor people do?
You know, what he's saying is, you know, beating Donald Trump is really important, unless that means uniting behind the guy who could actually do it.
That's what they're saying.
So there you have it.
I mean, that's the when we're young, they teach you winning is not the most important thing.
But to some of the Democrats, they really are serious about not fucking winning.
I mean, like, winning's not the biggest thing.
You're taking that too seriously.
You guys should try winning.
And here's how they're, here's how they, you saw this.
I did a video about this.
And then flip it over.
Flip it over.
There you go.
That's like a hoof.
Who in the fuck does a coin toss like that?
Who in the who does it?
First of all, you're not supposed to feel up the fucking coin.
What is he trying to finger the coin?
Watch this.
So he catches that first.
Yeah, you catch it.
Yeah, dumb fuck.
You catch it, and then you go like that.
You don't go, caught it.
What?
Oh, it's, uh...
And then he does it twice.
Watch, he does it again.
Watch.
And then he does, boom, what the fuck was that?
Can you imagine if they did that at an NFL football game and the rep was like, quack and dagger?
There was a coin toss in a playoff game about 15 years ago.
The guy fucked up and people went bananas.
I remember that, actually.
And NFL played.
People want bananas.
What he's doing is a trick I learned as a kid to cheat my buddies.
You flip a coin in the air, and as it grabs in your hand, you rub the side and you can tell the head on a quarter very easily.
I used to run, I'm a grifter.
So I grifter, comedian, same thing.
But you just catch it and it feel the head and then whatever they'd say in my hand.
And I'd say, okay, and then I'd flip it in my hand.
I could do it 10 times faster than this fucking idiot.
Yeah, he looks like he's trying to do a car trick, but he's never done it before.
Yeah.
He's like, is this your car?
Wait for it.
It's unbelievable.
And it's like, I really, I tweeted out.
I was like, hey, Tom Perez, couldn't you get a rock, paper, scissors official to come and do this?
But you see this idiot, you know what I mean?
You go, rock, paper, scissors, and you'd have paper and I'd go, oh, rock, paper, says Trey.
Rock.
It's like scissor paper.
Say, paper.
Sorry, rock, paper, size, and paper.
Wait, Tom, which one did you pick?
I picked values.
It beats all of them.
Graham, let's try it.
That's right.
You do the, You be the rock.
Okay.
And then I'll do this, but I'll be the guy who does the fucking up.
Okay.
The rock.
Okay, all right.
We're going to ready.
One, two, three.
Whoa, one off.
Let's do it again.
Let's do it again.
No, I thought I saw a scissor.
Okay, ready.
Ready?
One, two, three.
Oh, oh.
Oh, that's democracy in action, everybody.
It's Jimmy.
It felt like you led with your values.
That was amazing.
You know, when I see this, when I see something like this deciding an election.
I mean, the fucking guy does who does that?
And when I see that, you know what I think?
Not only is democracy alive, but it is thriving.
This is what they were reporting all weekend.
Buddha Jigs holds a lead in Iowa, which is exactly, I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist, but I'm not an idiot either.
And I could see exactly what was happening.
This was planned.
This is exactly planned.
This is a DNC with CNN, and they're all doing this.
And this guy said, she says, my son just said, Mom, I have terrible news, P1.
I said, no, sweetheart.
Only 62% of the priests have reported.
He then asked me why they're only releasing parts of the results.
And I said, see how you thought P1?
It's the creative of false narrative.
That's why.
So that's exactly what they're doing.
And it doesn't make you crazy to recognize that that's what's happening.
Because whenever there's a mistake, it always goes in favor of the establishment.
The mistake never goes, oh, we fucked up.
Bernie Sanders got a million votes.
And that's it.
We're just going to declare it over and he wins.
We're going to go on.
It's a mistake, but we're just going to accept it.
This like this tweet sounds like the start for like the best children's educational program ever.
You know what I mean?
Like today's lesson is manufacturing consent.
Brought to you by the letter P for propaganda.
What Iowa showed us, like leading up to Iowa, we've seen who the corporate Democrats wanted.
They wanted Kamala.
They wanted Robert Francis O'Rourke, who's not Latino at all.
Beto's a fake name.
It's like me calling myself Paco Elwood.
You know, they want all these things, but Mayor Pete is like this past week you went, oh, he's the deep states candidate.
He's the Navy intelligence officer.
They hatched this last spring.
He's like, this is all.
That's why that speech he gave was like, we shocked the world.
I won.
Because he just was like, I know they're cheating.
I know I'm going to win.
That's why he gave that speech.
Every other candidate was like, man, it looks good.
We don't know the results yet.
We might win.
We don't know.
Mayor Pete was like, we shocked the world because my campaign gave $42,000 to Shadow to help build the app.
The head of Shadow tweeted out a year ago how she's a huge fan of mine.
So that's how we shock the world, everybody.
And do you know that Mark Putig also donated $140,000 to the Iowa Democratic Party?
Did you know that?
Wow.
I just found that out right before the show.
I don't have it in the thing.
Now, Nellie, you were in Iowa, right?
You went to help.
Yeah, I have, if you want them at the table, I have these.
I'm caucusing for Bernie.
Thank you.
They went last night.
What's that?
People really like them.
A lot of them disappeared last night.
Oh, yeah?
Like votes.
But, you know, canvassing, a lot of it's very disheartening.
And you get a lot of not homes, even when they are home.
And you get some hostility and you get, you know, people that are depressed and you're invading their sanctuary.
But once in a while, it's not so bad.
So there's this one door I knocked, and it was this kid.
He was about 19 or 20.
And I said, are you planning on caucusing?
And he said, yeah, but I think I'm going to go for Biden.
And I said, why?
And he said, I don't think Bernie can get health care through.
And I said, oh, no, it's quite the opposite.
Because if he got in, we'd have his back because we're the grassroots.
And I said, it's not a want, it's a need.
It's an imperative.
And it's not even about a person or a candidacy.
We're building a movement.
And he said, "Oh, okay." Yeah, cool, sweet.
All right.
That's how it works.
Wow, that canvassing is really something.
Oh, okay.
You made a good case.
Actually, we can pass legislation.
Shit, I never thought about it that way.
So nobody could call this, right?
So this is amid irregularities, AP unable to declare a winner in Iowa.
That's from the 6th, right?
Which was Friday, right?
Hey, Jimmy, you know, I read when Tom Perez figured out that there was something wrong with the app, he had everybody turn it off for 10 seconds and then plug it back in.
Didn't work.
Fair says, manufacturing success, CNN's premature parade for BoudiGig in Iowa, right?
So this is, are we crazy to think that somehow CNN, this DNC, we're working together with the Boudigig campaign.
Does that make us crazy?
No, for all of it.
Okay.
Because here, when CNN, the AP, every other major news outlet was saying we can't call Iowa.
The results are inconsistent.
We can't trust the numbers.
Well, guess what?
Pete Buddy goes on with Andrew Cuomo and Andrew Cuomo, tough guy Fredo, Frito Fredo.
I'm smart.
Tough guy Fredo, who will wreck your shit, decides to say to Pete Boudig, this.
Watch this.
Democratic Party just released the final batch of results from the caucuses.
Yes.
And I'm ready to throw those results down fucking stairs.
Democratic Party just released the final batch of results from the Caucasus.
100% of precincts reported.
You are holding a narrow lead of a tenth of a percentage point over Senator Sanders on the state delegate equivalence, which is the metric that we use to determine a winner.
Which is how our bullshit system works.
Somebody with less votes gets to win once the fuck again.
It's America, democracy.
Let's export this to the rest of the world.
Do you have elections?
Your loser should be the winner.
Okay.
What is your reaction?
Oh, it's fantastic news to hear the way.
It's that fantastic news.
You know, I mean, we didn't really win, but the app really came through for us.
Isn't that fantastic?
That's great news.
We don't have actual democracy and whatnot.
Whatever the fuck.
That's great news.
I'm Pete Buttigig.
That's great news.
I mean, I'm a little blown away.
The CIA said I was supposed to win by 10 points, but all right.
Well, play this narrow margin.
It's really amazing that we pulled this shit up.
I mean, we called the app shadow for crying out loud.
We gave it a creepy ass name.
We only gave it that name because deep safe dwellers was taken.
That's the only reason why.
I mean, this is great news.
We got less votes and we still win.
Here's hoping we can go against the will of the voters in 49 more states.
Am I right?
This is so bad.
Even Crystal Ball called it out because they knew.
Thank you.
You know, I like Crystal Ball too, but you guys make sure you don't start liking her more than me, all right?
Because that would really, that would really suck.
This is fun for me.
So here's what she said.
And by using these results, when it's so close that they themselves say are wrong and using that to declare Pete the victor, that undermines democracy in a greater extent than any like Russian plot ever.
And you know what's interesting?
Yes.
So CNN saying that Buddhajig is the winner when their own network is saying those results are questionable undermines democracy more than any bullshit Russia gate scandal or anything.
And I'm in there on that.
Yeah, is Rachel Maddow going to be screaming about Iowa for the next three years?
Is that what's going to shadow and all this and do all these things about shadow and shadow and shadow?
No.
No, dude, seriously, bro.
She is like obsessed with me.
So watch this.
So Bernie Sanders decides, fuck it, I'm declaring victory because we know because we know I got more votes.
And he says so here.
This is on Monday night.
Some 6,000 more Iowans came out on caucus night to support our candidacy than the candidacy of anyone else.
And when 6,000 more people come out for you in an election than your nearest opponent, we here in northern New England call that a victory.
Thank you.
And so they go back to MSNBC, the liberal network, whose anchor just happens to be the lying fucking communications director for George Bush's war criminal organization.
That's what they give you for your liberals.
Liberals, we're going to get somebody from Bush to tell you about Bernie Sanders.
That's what's happening.
And what's what she says?
Try that.
Who called it?
It's not a line.
Didn't he die with me?
So she's like, what?
I don't see that he won.
Where is it written down?
What are you looking for?
An actual point of view?
Is that what you're looking for?
Here we go.
He's like the 37-year-old, not even anymore mayor.
And you know what's sad?
Not to tar him with the same brush, but I mean, he's disingenuous, to say the least.
He's not telling the truth.
I mean, yeah.
So Bernie Sanders is not telling the truth.
He's saying he gets 6,000 more votes than anyone when, in fact, he got 6,000 more votes than anyone.
Fucking liar.
Watch this.
The problem with Iowa was everything we've learned about elections since 2000 is what do you want to do?
Simplify, simplify, simplify.
What did Iowa do in the caucuses?
They made it more complex.
They had three different metrics.
So what Bernie is doing is catting that first metric of people who came in that night willing to support Bernie, but many of whom switched to Mayor Pete.
Mayor Pete, my heart goes out to him because having covered many Iowa caucuses.
His heart goes out to him.
His heart goes out to Mayor Pete.
His heart goes out to Mayor Pete.
Can you believe that?
Look for that headline at 11 o'clock or midnight.
He would have gotten these incredible headlines, the same headlines that Barack Obama had in 2008.
Yep, and then he would have let us down just like Barack Obama did in 2009 through 16.
By the way, my heart goes out to poor Pete, too, for this.
I mean, all the flags in the wine cellars are at half mast.
You know that.
You know, he's got that boyish psychopathic thing, you know?
Because I saw on Steph's Twitter feed.
I don't know if anyone's seen it, but when he was being called out on the wine cave and he was rubbing his thumbs together and then he was clenching a fist.
And I really thought it was instructive.
You should check it out.
I didn't see it.
It's the other side when he thinks he's not on top.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Well, here's what Bernie's talking about.
That's the first round.
He did get 6,114 votes.
And that's from CNN.
And from NBC News, it says the real Cal Real reallocated preferences.
Bernie still beat him.
45,000 to 43,000.
So Bernie fucking won.
Thank you.
But here's how bad.
Here's how bad the news media rigs this for against the workers candidate.
Pete Budegig is going to lose this.
Bernie's going to win, but it's still shitty.
You ready?
Watch this.
Jess mentioned that Bernie Sanders set expectations very high.
And whatever happens, it's not clear he will have met them.
Even if he does eke out a lead, it won't be a decisive win in Iowa, not the kind of decisive win that I think he was looking for.
Yeah, you know who really did shitty?
That guy who won?
Ask any corporate reporter, they'll tell you, coming in first sucks.
Boy, how is he going to recover from winning?
Well, this goes into the whole long-term deep state scam of getting Budajaj in there.
One of their tactics, I did a video on this.
This Bernie supporter of Veronica Persimmon did this article in Medium.
She goes, the five stages or five steps on how to doing this.
And one of them is manufacturing a surge.
So that's a big part of it is to say, remember a couple months ago, Pete's in a strong fourth place.
So they've been manufacturing this fake, like, oh, Pete's climbing up there.
Pete's climbing up there.
So even Bernie winning, they have to go, yeah, but it wasn't the big win we thought.
And Pete's starting to climb up there.
That's what it is.
So all the vote, no matter who, the blue, no matter who people that aren't paying that much attention, they're just hearing this.
They're like, I don't know who to vote for because I'm too fucking dumb to pay attention or whatever.
So, oh, I hear Pete surging.
I guess I'll go with him.
That's what this whole tactic is.
And here's what, and here's what CNN puts as the Chiron.
As president, what will you do to protect the integrity of American elections from foreign interference?
Hey, how about from DNC and Democratic Party interference?
Can we get that?
Yeah, don't look at what's actually happening.
Look over there.
Look over there.
And here is Pete Budegig.
I showed you this before in a video, but here is what a sociopath looks like when he knows the system is rigged in his favor.
Ready?
Here we go.
Ready?
Here he comes.
Who fucking does that?
All right, I'm going to.
All right, ready?
I'm going to walk out, and then you guys start asking me questions.
Ready?
Okay.
All right, what do you think about the Iowa polls?
What do you think of me?
Are you involved with the shadow assets?
I'm not sure if it allows you to do that.
Are you connected to Television Allowance?
Are you serious with the intelligence?
Are you working for the deep state?
Okay, why can't you look me in the eye like a psychopath who loves watching?
True, you're a robot.
How many animals have you murdered?
*crowd cheers* *crowd cheers* *crowd cheers* *crowd cheers* *crowd cheers*
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So, as predicted, the Senate acquitted Donald Trump.
So, let's see how Chuck Schumer feels about things.
Ring ring.
Hello, and welcome to the office of Charles Chuck Chaz Shushu Schumer, master of the Senate, an all-around cool kind of guy to hang with over a brewski while watching the ballgame.
How may I direct your call today, oh, seeker of justice, pragmatism, and the incremental way?
Is this Senator Chuck Schumer?
Why, yes, it is, and please call me Chuck.
Okay, I just did, but may I ask you a few questions, Chuck?
Of course.
As long as it has nothing to do with the acquittal, I am so over that now.
Okay, well, how do you feel about the acquittal?
Big win for America, Jimmy.
Really big.
How is that?
We impeached him, right?
I guess.
But now is the time to move on.
For it would be ghost to bask in the glory of victory, would it not?
That would be the height of incivility.
Please proceed as long as it has nothing more to do with the acquittal.
Stop the madness, for goodness sake.
But you must have known he'd be acquitted, right?
Did you know Diane Carroll broke color barriers in her trailblazing role of Julia, where she played a nurse on TV?
What?
Shimmy, don't you know this is Black Heritage History Month or week or something?
That's when I tweet a few things about Black Heritage History Month.
Why?
Optics, my good friend.
And that is why I ask you to join me in joining us to propel this country into the future and not into the past.
Pretty good, huh?
I have no idea what you're saying.
I know.
It's like throwing one of those stun grenades into a polling place.
Voters come out wondering what the heck has just happened, thinking they did the right thing.
That's how we win with Central Good.
A stun grenade into a polling place.
Hey, Nay, one big Centrist win for the average American.
Chuck, can you do that?
That's easy, sad Zach.
The vote to convict Donald Trump.
You lost, Chuck.
Oh, no, we did not.
You're going to call Mitt Romney's vote a loss?
It was a very special moment.
Not a dry eye in the house.
That's how we, as a party, win.
This is only the beginning, Jimmy.
And after the election, we just might impeach Trump again and get two Republicans and so on.
It's a revolution.
How?
Because, silly, it's like Obamacare.
We united with our friends on the other side of the aisle.
We are the new Centarians.
I'm so excited.
Obamacare was a Heritage Foundation gift to the GOP.
And guess what?
It didn't even get one Republican vote.
Aha!
It's the thought that counts, Jimmy, not the votes.
You could just help everybody out by supporting Bernie Sanders.
You know that, right?
For president?
Yes, for president, Chuck.
Do you really think that'd be wise?
I mean, after all those how do we destroy Bernie meetings I hosted for Nancy Pelosi and Nair in Tandon, I literally spent thousands on pro hologan cheese.
Wow, I forgot you did that in early 2019.
I was ahead of my time, Jimmy.
Remember, a Buddha Judge candidacy will shore up the crucial right-wing white middle-class, self-hating gay male demographic in the South.
We can't afford to lose their votes.
Well, good luck with that one, Chuck.
Serious.
I must take my leave, Jimmy.
These little talks we have are always enlivening, but I'm getting the vapors.
Marcel, fetch me another serotonin inhibitor, please.
By the way, the Nevada Democratic Party just hired a paid Buddha gig organizer to be their voter protection organizer.
Her name is Emily Goldman, and this is what she used to tweet.
Hey, before he knocked doors on this cold and snowy day, my precinct captain Dean wrote an entire song about Pete Boudegig.
It will warm your heart and pump you up for Pete.
Deep state, Pete.
It's deep state, Pete.
And now she's the voter protection director at the Nevada State Democratic Party, the voter protection.
And if you look at the bottom, she's an organizer for Pete for America, a full-time fucking job.
That's what it says.
Full-time job.
And now she's also the voter.
So here, all I'm saying is that Emily just locked her Twitter account and scrubbed her employment history from LinkedIn.
Those are the people making sure the integrity of the election.
They have to scrub their fucking LinkedIn page and make their Twitter page private because they're all about transparency and making sure the vote is counted correctly.
This is literally how the mob operates.
You know what I mean?
Like, oh, the Italian American Businessmen's Association's a legitimate business.
We run garbage trucks legitimately, Jimmy.
Sometimes we got to pay cash.
You know what I mean?
What the fuck now?
Do what you're told.
Don't be afraid, oh hey.
Just trying to earn a living over here.
I mean, there were always buffers.
We had buffers in between.
There was buffers between me and Boogie Gigga.
Don't hand me that envelope in public.
Don't hand me that envelope in public.
Take it.
Go ahead and take it.
Put it on the table and walk away.
And by the way, just in case you thought they were going to correct the irregularities in the Iowa caucuses because there's a ton of them.
Think again.
Hello, fellow Iowa caucus nerds.
Tonight, the IDP chair, Troy Price, sent an internal email that the party attorney says any re-examination of the precinct results cannot change the results on caucus meth worksheet, even if they're wrong.
I'm not making this shit up, ladies and gentlemen.
They're doing it right in our fucking faces.
And at some point, Bernie's going to have to tell us to put on a yellow vest and go shut shit down.
Hey, Nevada is a goddamn, in two weeks, Nevada's a caucus state.
They're going to pull the same shit, and they're going to, they act like the Democratic Party always acts like it's some whoop zoinks.
The app didn't work and the phones went down.
Boink, boink, like some guy that gets caught at a strip club.
Like, I don't know, $1,500 fell out of my pocket.
I spent five hours looking for it.
That's why I'm covered in titty glitter.
I don't know.
I don't know what happened.
I tripped and fell, and then she was naked in my pants.
And I was stuck and my dick was.
I didn't know what the fuck.
The floors were slippery.
I mean, it probably was Russia.
They probably...
So Mark Zuckerberg is hanging out with this guy, right?
So there they are.
So Mark Zuckerberg has quietly recommended campaign hires to Pete Buddy.
In the emails, Zuckerberg recommended potential campaign hires, and two of them are now on his staff.
Eric Majevsky, senior digital analyst, and Nina Warnoff, an organizing data manager.
Zuckerberg, 35 and Buddhegig, 37, overlapped at Harvard.
And Buddegig was friends with two of Zuckerberg's fucking roommates.
He was also one of Facebook's first 300 users.
Buddy Gig was one of the first 300 Facebook users, okay?
The staff recommendations from Zuckerberg are the first evidence of the Facebook CEO actively assisting a presidential campaign.
So he says, here's what just happened.
The Iowa Democratic Party and the DNC sat on remaining results to release right before Mayor Pete does a CNN Town Hall.
They then pretend to declare him the winner when there are specific problems yet to be fixed that would make Bernie win.
Think about the level of coordination it takes to try to pull off such a brazen fraudulent move.
It takes the Iowa Democratic Party, the DNC, and CNN all working in cahoots.
Okay, that's what's happening.
And so when I want to put up a video up on Facebook, that guy that's critical of Buddha, that guy then has his fucking goons do this to me.
False information in this post.
So I put a video up, said DNC flipping votes to favor Buddha gig.
And this is what they did.
Independent fact checkers at Lead Stories say this post has false information to help stop the spread of false news.
A notice will be added to your post if you decide to share this.
So that's what people were showing when they wanted to put that video on Facebook.
And who's the guy?
This is the guy, Ryan Cooper, who did the story that said my thing was fake news.
And Ryan Cooper is a staff writer and a fact checker for Lead Stories and is the former director of programming at CNN International.
So they're in cahoots with the DNC and the and now they're fucking perusing my Facebook timeline trying to fucking get my videos telling the truth about it called fake fucking news.
You know what's fake news?
CNN when they report on Syria.
Thank you.
This was a hoax.
The gas attacks were a hoax.
And guess who figured it out?
Fucking Jagoff comedian Jimmy Doer in his garage.
And guess who pushed a hoax?
Guess who pushed a hoax and fake news to the hills that would get us into a war.
Guess it's CNN and here it is.
There's definitely something that stinks.
Yeah, it stinks.
That's how you know they're using a chemical weapon because a CNN reporter sniffed it, didn't die.
Because if you thought there was poison on a backpack, the first thing you'd do, be like, well, let me sniff it.
Where do I sniff it?
I'm a reporter.
I have to sniff poison.
What does it smell like, Graham?
What does that smell like?
Oh, a false flag.
Definitely false flag, right?
Yeah.
Well, false flag kind of has that.
Yeah, that thing.
Yeah, so that's CNN's reporting.
And my show debunks their bullshit.
But now Facebook is in bed with Buddha gig and they have these fucking hall monitor cocksuckers who come from the military and CNN to try to say what I'm saying isn't true.
And those guys are full of shit and I'm here to show you.
Okay.
Jimmy, I'm sorry to interrupt.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm pretty sure this water is poisoned.
Take a sip.
Hold on, let me see if it's poison.
Doesn't it taste weird?
Yep, that's poison.
That's a chemical weapon.
Absolutely chemical weapon.
Done deal.
Chemical weapon.
Yep, rush up Syria.
That's it.
So the DNC, if you follow my show, had announced on Thursday that they were taking over the counting of the votes.
After the 62% was reported, the DNC then, I'm like, why is the DNC taking over the counting of the votes?
Doesn't anybody in Iowa know how to count votes?
So then we showed you how they were taking votes from Bernie, giving them to devolve Patrick, Tom Steyer, and Pete Buddegig.
I showed you that.
The headline of my video was DNC caught flipping votes for Buddhegig.
And whatever they did, it was to boost him.
And so then this place called Lead Stories, which is working for Zuckerberg at Facebook, they take my video and they say fake news.
DNC did not caught flipping votes.
And then here it is.
Misleading headline.
Not only that, but under here, it says, read all about the latest hoaxes, fake news, and pranks.
So there's nothing fake about my fucking reporting.
Not a goddamn thing.
They're quibbling with my headline.
That's a quibble.
That's not a hoax or fucking fake news.
And they fucking know it.
But the word is out that Jimmy Doerr is onto their bullshit and people are starting to listen to him.
So we have to get these cocksuckers out to make sure we discredit them.
Thank you.
I said the DNC got caught flipping votes.
They go, Door did not offer specific evidence that the DNC deliberately flipped votes.
What the fuck?
I offered evidence that they did it.
Not that they.
Deliberately?
Deliberately or not, they fucking did it.
It happened.
That's a fact.
And these fact checkers are fucking paid propagandists right from the intelligence community sought to squash people like me who are telling the fucking truth.
They go, well, Waldor pointed out that Buddha gig for a time, for a time, had 10 more delegates than the numbers Swartz maintained that the former mayor had.
For a time, you mean they got caught.
You mean they gave 10 more delegates to Boudegig, then they got fucking caught doing it, and then they corrected it after they got fucking caught, you piece of shit, propagandist liar.
Thank you.
I love how he goes, there is no reporting to suggest that the mistake was the result of the DNC flipping votes.
There is reporting, and you know who reported it?
Fucking me.
Why is my reporting discredited when CNN's obvious bullshit reporting is not discredited?
Oh, that's right.
Because you're all in collusion, you fucking establishment tools, to squash any independent voices that go against the establishment narrative.
That's why.
My reporting.
My fucking reporting.
Which is better than CNN's on any fucking day.
Thank you.
So this is what would come up.
So I said Facebook news equals fake news.
They are telling people that the accurate information in my news report about vote flipping in Iowa is false.
My news report was flagged by a guy named Ryan Cooper who works for CNN and supports Buddha gig.
This is how the establishment rigs elections.
Now, the guy who's the editor of that lead story bullshit website that debunking my story, his name is Alan Duke, right?
Editor-in-chief, lead stories.
What the fuck?
Where did you come from, you piece of shit?
You fucking Facebook hall monitor.
What fucking intelligence community asshole tapped you to do this, right?
Okay.
He goes, more fake news from Jimmy Doerr.
Not surprising.
Ryan Cooper does not work for CNN.
He works for Lead Stories.
Also, the claims he supports Buddha Gig is made up.
Do better, Jimmy.
Well, the motherfucker was a director of programming at CNN International.
You fucking know that, you cocksucker.
And what this guy says, while it's true that Ryan Cooper does not currently work for CNN, Ryan did work for CNN at one time.
Alan's omission of this detail might mislead people into thinking that Ryan never worked for CNN.
Thinking Ryan still worked for CNN may just be an honest mistake.
Since he fucking worked for them for 20 years and he was their international fucking director of programming, to say he doesn't work there is misleading, you fact-checking cocksucker motherfucker.
And now we all know you're full of shit.
So just a PSA, somebody, when you go home tonight, get a screenshot of Ryan's LinkedIn page before it's too late.
Email it to us.
We'll keep it on file.
So guys from CNN who I have made a living debunking their fucking bullshit are now coming at me saying I'm fake news when I'm exposing their establishment cheating.
So fuck Ryan Cooper and fuck lead stories and the Jimmy Dore show ain't stopping.
You know?
And right.
I go, here is Alan Duke who went from the military to CNN and now is current Facebook propagandist working directly for Zuckerberg to boost Buddha gig by sparing anyone telling the truth about the cheating in Iowa.
We are over the target and taking lots of flack from the intelligence community, whack these.
There you go.
So that's that story.
You know, I wonder how far they'll go to like debunk further Jimmy Doer show videos.
Like you'll see another article from Lead Stories.
And like, if you watch this video, they imply that in the back of Pete's head is a control panel and he's a robot.
There's no evidence that that's true.
Fact check.
Graham Elwood is actually not a World Wrestling Federation wrestler, as he once claimed on stage in Tempe, Arizona.
By the way, just so you know, Pete Buddegig is an emblem of pure emptiness and soulless ambition of our ruling class.
He is a non-person who substitutes practice mannerisms and fake folksiness for a personality.
He wants nothing but power.
Don't fall for it.
So Pete Budegig has all these billionaire donors, and here he is just last night in New Hampshire at a Democratic forum getting booed and they start chanting Wall Street Pete.
You want to hear it?
Here we go.
Our one chance to defeat Donald Trump.
And there is an American majority that is unified not just in who we are against, but in what we are for.
Because we are for higher wages and the empowerment of workers.
Wall Street Pete.
Wall Street a truth.
Wall Street.
Wall Street.
Wall Street Pete.
So that was pretty awesome.
That's pretty awesome that they did that to him.
Fact check.
Pete Budagudge has never lived on Wall Street.
Fake news.
Hoax.
Chris Matthews went fucking nuts.
Here's what.
This is how nuts.
Now, you tell me, honest to God, is Chris Matthews fucking hammered?
Because this is the kind of shit people who are drunk say, right?
So he's talking about execute me.
Watch this, watch this.
I have my own views of the word socialist, and I'll be glad to tell them, share them with you in private.
And they go back to the early 1950s.
I have an attitude about them.
I remember the Cold War.
I have an attitude towards Castro.
I believe that Castro and the Reds had won the Cold War.
there were executions in Central Park and I might have been one of the ones getting executed.
And certain other...
The socialists, they're going to give you health care and then kill everybody.
It's this old school.
I mean, obviously, this is like what an old guy, that old narrative, that democratic socialism is the same as Stalin-era totalitarian Soviet Union communism.
It's fucking mind-boggling.
You're socialism, and in the 50s, Target of Stalin's going to parachute down and shoot me in the face.
Like, I want to get on these shows and be drunk and just be like, I'm tired of the socialism.
Eric, fucking, I'm tired of the post office and schools and libraries and trash collection and street cleaning and the fire department and the police department and public parks and mail service and utilities.
And we need Medicare for all.
We need a Green New Deal.
We need living wages.
Hey, Chris Matthews, we're getting rid of that guy.
He gets even crazier.
Watch this.
People would be there cheering, okay?
So I have a problem with people who took the other side.
I don't know who Bernie Bernie supports over these years.
I don't know.
Maybe Bernie supports the people who want to execute me in the park.
Maybe that's a, I don't know.
I mean, if only Bernie had a public record for the last 40 years that I can look at.
Obviously, I don't have the resources to do that.
I don't have interns and millions of dollars and shit.
I mean, so I'll just have to talk off the top of my drunk fucking head.
Maybe Bernie wants to execute people with Castro.
I don't know.
I'm paid to say this, and here I am.
I don't know.
It's not like there's videos on YouTube that I could just use, you know, if I had the internet, but the fucking socialists shot the internet in the face at Central Park.
And that's why I can't see Bernie saying the same thing for four fucking decades.
What he means by socialist.
One week it's Denmark.
We're going to be like Denmark.
Okay, that's harmless.
That's a side.
Then why did you say it like that?
If it's harmless, first he says he wants to be like fucking Denmark.
All right, well, that's good.
I mean, I kind of like that.
But why does he say it?
Basically, a capitalist country with a lot of good social welfare programs.
Denmark is harmless.
Pretty clearly in the Denmark.
In the category, yeah.
Are you sure?
How do you know?
Did he tiger that?
Well, I mean, that's what he.
Are you sure?
Are you sure?
I mean, I hear him talk about Medicare Farrar and college tuition, but are you sure he doesn't want to execute Chris Matthews?
Are you sure?
that's the kind of that when guys start saying stuff like that you take their car keys away Does Chris Matthews think the Salem witch trials happen because people wanted health care?
Because that's what it sounds like.
Oh, okay.
Hey, Chris Matthews went on to question Bernie's whereabouts during 9-11 and the day JFK was shot, just so you know.
But this guy goes, Bernie, we need Medicare for all.
Chris Matthews, cover, please don't execute me.
Okay.
I got to play the rest of this, though.
There's more to this.
I want you to hear it in its entirety.
I'm going to play this all the way through, just so you get how fucking crazy this is.
I have my own views of the word socialist, and I'll be glad to tell them, share them with you in private.
And they go back to the early 1950s.
I have an attitude about them.
I remember the Cold War.
I have an attitude towards Castro.
I believe that Castro and the Reds had won the Cold War.
There would have been executions in Central Parks, and I might have been one of the ones getting executed.
And certain other people would be there cheering, okay?
So I have a problem with people who took the other side.
I don't know who Bernie Bernie supports over these years.
I don't know what he means by social.
One week it's Denmark.
We're going to be like Denmark.
Okay, that's harmless.
That's a size.
That's basically a capitalist country with a lot of good social welfare programs.
Denmark is harmless.
Pretty clearly in the Denmark.
In the category, yeah.
How do you know?
Did he take it?
Well, I mean, that's what he says, and that's what his agenda calls for, right?
He's not calling for it.
Let's figure that one out.
Well, we haven't seen a campaign yet where video of him praising the other version has been used.
Well, but that will be used.
That's the question I've seen happen.
What the effect that has.
Well, what does he think of Castro?
That's a great question.
What did you think of Fidel ISMO?
We all thought he was great when he first cheered like man for him when he first went in.
And then he became a communist and started shooting every one of his enemies.
Okay, hold those thoughts on the- Nelly, Nellie, what do you have to say about this?
Well, I went to Cuba, and when you go, you take soap.
You take soap?
I always pill for soap from hotels for this purpose.
And so I took the soap down there and like votes.
I pill for soap.
And like they pilfer votes.
And then so I take it down and you give it to people if they want it.
And so there was this one, a woman came up, but she was a man, but it was a woman.
So I'm not sure if there was surgery, I'm not sure.
But it was, there was hair and eyebrows and a midras and hot pants and 70s style platform sandals.
And she came up and she said, Havon por favor.
And I said, oh, oh, sure.
And so I came and said, have havant por favor.
I said, okay, okay.
It's a, you know, Javon de Banyo.
I said, okay, okay.
Unamas, una mas.
She said, no, no, Javon de Bano.
And so she got very angry.
Finally, she snatched it and she ran down and I could hear her platform heels clacking down the deserted, darkening cobblestone streets.
So I think Chris might have a point.
*crowd laughs*
That's right around the corner.
Transgender people stealing your soap.
If Bernie gets elected, fucking buckle up.
Puta!
Yes, yes, that would lead me to conclude that Chris Matthews has a point.
Okay.
Hey, did you see what the onion says?
Chris Matthews warns Bernie Sanders victory runs the risk of making him look stupid two elections in a row.
Thank you.
Hey, yo, dip shit dirtbag.
Is that you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What?
This is Jimmy Doerr.
Well, bless my enlarged heart.
Guess who this is?
I'll give you three guesses, and I'm going to start relentlessly insulting you.
Go ahead.
It's Chris Christie.
Guess again, hot chat.
No, it's Chris Christie.
Okay, you got one more guess, and I'm going to call you a Bip Squeak loser and follow that with a nasty remark regarding cheese.
You know why?
Because you're Chris Christie.
Three strikes, you're out.
This is governor, Christie.
You pip-squeak, loser, lion, dog-faced pony soldier on acid.
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show is written by Ron Placone, Mark Van Landowitz, Steph Zamarano, Jim Earl, Mike McRae, and Roger Rittenhouse.
All the voices performed today by the one and the only of the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
That's it for this week.
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