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Oct. 31, 2019 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:00:59
20191031_TJDS_20191030_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore show.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Okay, boomer.
What?
Who is this?
It's Vince Vaughan.
Oh, hi, Vince.
Okay, boomer.
Why do you keep saying that?
Also, I'm not a boomer.
I'm Gen X. Are you sure about that?
I think you might be pushing that boundary a little bit.
No, I'm not a baby boomer.
What is this?
The younger generations have declared war on us.
Haven't you heard millennials are saying okay, boomer to anyone older than them that they disagree with?
Okay.
Yeah, well, okay, yeah.
Well, I'm not going to take this bullshit lying down from these entitled punks.
I'm going to appropriate their little snarky shithead thing and use it against them.
And as part of my two-pronged strategy to deal with the situation, I am also going to use it frivolously and meaninglessly so that it eventually loses all meaning.
That's how we do it, baby.
Wow, you seem to be pretty worked up about this.
These generation wars are getting me riled up, J.D. Power and Associates.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Millennials and their goddamn participation trophies made out of avocado toast are ruining this country, Jimmy.
Ruining it.
Millennials didn't get us involved in endless wars, Vince.
They didn't ruin our planet's ability to sustain life, and they didn't crash our economy in 2008.
Yeah, you know what?
You're absolutely right, Jimmy.
And you know why?
Technically, those three things are accomplishments.
They require people actually doing shit, not playing Candy Crush on a fucking Android and tweeting about going to therapy.
Look, Vince, I've met a lot of millennials who have accomplished a lot and are very concerned and engaged about fixing all these problems.
I mean, millennials work on my show.
Ron Placona's a millennial.
Okay, I've said this before, and I'll say it again.
Who the fuck is Ron Placone?
laughter laughter laughter laughter I'm Look, Vince, my point is this hackneyed criticism of millennials just makes you look kind of old.
How dare you, Jimmy Doer?
In my soul, I'm a newborn baby bird.
And what's so wrong with being a little long in the tooth anyway?
Isn't that the engine that drives society?
The exuberance of youth wrestling with the wisdom of the elders.
Isn't that the way forward?
I ask you, Mr. Doerr, or am I too Berkeyan for you in the face of these cancel culture guillotines?
Birkian.
Okay.
I don't know what any of that's supposed to mean, Vince.
Okay, good.
Me neither.
Well, what's your point?
My point is, is that if I become old and irrelevant, and so will you, my friend.
Age canceling doesn't discriminate in this Logan's Run bullshit world they're trying to make.
Yeah, I disagree.
Only your beliefs will make you irrelevant.
Everyone, regardless of age, who is interested in moving society forward and fixing the mistakes of the past will work together.
That might explain why millennials are rallying around a 77-year-old man for the Democratic nomination.
Yeah, okay.
You know what?
But they're doing it in the same way that racist people say, I can't be racist.
I like this one black guy.
Oh, brother, Vince.
So they can get away with their seeding ageism.
I'm going to start building a bunker.
What?
You heard me.
We're not going to be safe from these young people, and they're going to start coming for us and canceling us for real, if you know what I mean.
Hey, did you know thousands of even younger people are born every day?
The numbers are not in our favor.
Yeah, okay, Vince.
Good to hear this sentiment isn't rooted in some weird paranoia or anything.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Well, look, you've been warned, Jimbo.
The younglings will come in the night, and they will not give warning.
Us 1990s guys need to stick together.
Establishment media sucks All gaslighting so good luck Bullshit we can't afford He's fomenting this Watch and see as he's jack off The median speeds and jumps the medium And hits him head on It's the Jimmy Door show.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Dore show.
We will see you November 17th and 18th in Philadelphia, December 27th in Honolulu, January 11th and 12th in Portland.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for all the tickets.
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Shall we?
Did you see?
Did you hear Barack Obama was again castigating voters?
Yes, the problem isn't the system.
It's the problem.
The voters aren't.
Well, here's what he said.
He said that purists should get over that quickly.
That's what he said.
Purist, you should get over that.
You know, you should get over that quickly is also what he should have told people the day after he got elected in 2018.
Come on.
All right, did you hear it?
So Trump kills this guy, El Baghdadi.
Is that how you say his name?
I think so.
They saying he was the head of ISIS.
Nate Silver just said we need to let Trump have a good day because he killed Babdotti.
These people, this Mick resistance people, their logic of them, Ron.
It's like, hey, Trump's a psychopath.
It's terrifying that he has his finger on the nuclear button.
Hey, let's praise him when he drops bombs and kills people.
Yep.
The resistance, baby.
That's the resistance.
Did you hear Joe Biden told somebody, check my record, child?
That was the exact wordage he used.
Check my record, child.
That's what he's saying.
That says voter outreach to millennials, I guess.
By the way, Joe, I did check your record.
You've been on the wrong side of history for over 30 years and nothing has changed.
How about that?
Hey, you know, I don't mind Apple making me give my fingerprint every time I open my laptop, but is the cavity search necessary?
This just in this from Southern California, the Ronald Reagan Library, the Ronald Reagan presidential library, now surrounded by fire on all sides.
And I just hope they save the book.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Hey, did you hear that there's a new forensic pathologist examined Jeffrey Epstein's body, and he says it bore signs of murder, not suicide.
And at last look, Rachel Madhouse connected the dots back to the guy who put an ice pick in Leon Trotsky's skull.
That was a long joke to get through.
In its defense, the New York Police Department said they were told to put Epstein on suicide watch, not murder watch.
So they did fulfill the charge, which was make sure he doesn't commit suicide.
No suicide, but he was murdered.
Yeah.
Did you hear former advisor to Bill Clinton, Dick Morris, said Sunday that Hillary Clinton most likely wants to get into the 2020 presidential race because she thinks God put her on earth to be president?
Wow, I always thought God Really is a corporate asshole.
Am I right?
Hey, U.S. Commandos just killed ISIS leader Al-Badati in Syria.
Bad news for Raytheon, they just lost a major buyer.
Am I right?
Come on.
Hey, Murray Energy just became the eighth coal company to file for bankruptcy.
Did you hear about that?
The eighth Murray Energy just became the eighth coal company to file for bankruptcy.
Thank goodness Joe Biden made it harder for Americans drowning in medical debt to declare bankruptcy so we'd have enough money to bail out corporations choking the life out of the world.
Blue no matter who's black lung, am I right?
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
We have special guest on this week's show, Dylan Radigan.
He sits in as we talk about what has happened to Bill Maher.
The final straw is when he and Donny Deutsch gleefully giggle over the fact that we have a broken political system.
That really happened.
How did we handle it?
The answer just may surprise you.
Or will it?
The most aggressively stupid defense of Hillary Clinton's red baiting, and it happened on CBS News.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Vince Vaughan, Rick Perry, Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, and a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Jimmy Dore Show.
Trick-or-treat.
I've got three treats I want you to give me: Twizzlers, Pop Rocks, and I don't know, coordinates.
Look, I can't give you any treats, Rick Perry.
I'm cutting all my sweets out of my diet.
Do you not even have an apple?
Can't give you anything.
Sorry.
Then guess what I am in this costume I'm wearing on the phone?
Let me guess: are you former Energy Secretary Rick Perry?
Yes, if he were a slice of bread heated to a golden brown goodness.
In other words, Rick Perry is toast.
Your toast?
I'm proud to be toast, for I have imagineered so much things to count during my long reign as commander-in-chief of all energy from the universe.
Can you name some specific certainly?
I can name three.
Might I consort with my notes from my farewell to NRG speech I gave at the Department of Marine?
Go ahead.
I, Rick Perry, am personally responsible for preventing countless rapes in Africa.
How, you may ask?
By supplying them with fossil fuels so the victimated won't be trapped in the darkness of criminal offensiveness.
So you think providing lights stops people from committing sexual assault?
Works for me.
But more important of my goal journey, I have achieved the magnificent achievement of, wait for it, complete energy independence for America.
Well, how can that be when we import 10 million barrels of oil a day, Rick?
What?
How can we be energy independent when we still import 10 million barrels of oil a day?
Well, because I'm not master and commander of energy no more.
That's how.
Except it, Jimmy.
Global markets are awash in our crude.
Awash?
That too.
Our crude is everywhere.
People are awash in it.
Good for energy independence and good for the ecosystems of the economy system.
We're awash in it systemically.
How is increased fossil fuel consumption good for the ecosystem, Rick?
Trick or treat.
I don't have any treats for you, Rick.
Then I'm going to do three things to you.
First, I shall drape toilet paper all over your Toyota in order to cause such shame that you'll be forced to leave town.
Second, I will leave a bag of my poop on your doorstep and set fire to it.
Thirdly, I will stomp on the bag in order to put it out, thereby attracting further attention to your public shaming.
What are you going to do now that you're no longer in charge of the energy department, Rick?
I know it would be easy for me to rest among my laurels after such a distinguished term as head of the department I wanted to get rid of in the first place, but I have big plans for the future.
Really?
Like what?
To never again say I'm going to get rid of three things and then forget the third thing.
From now on, I'll only get rid of two things.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Okay, that was great.
And let's just remember, Hunter Biden.
Well, you know everything about him.
It's really hard for me to say anything snarky right now or combative because I was raised to respect that office.
I was raised to respect that office and to get $50,000 a month for doing nothing.
I don't know.
It's making me emotional.
Why do you think you're getting emotional?
Rumor has it, he didn't even pay that crocodile a living wage who gave him all those tears.
I'm really proud of being an American.
Oh, man.
Flying around in my dad's Air Force 2, making money off of war.
I'm so proud of that.
That's really.
Now that's who I want to see Hamilton with.
This is textbook evasion.
He gets emotional over nothing.
It's like Glenn Beck.
Remember when he used to have a show in Pod?
He would cry every day.
That's what this is.
He gets emotional over nothing, starts crying.
Why are you crying?
Because I really love this country.
Got a fucking gomer pile bullshit.
Are you trying to sling at us?
These are the guys who are running against corruption.
Guys who are obviously unhinged, fucking liar, Codman, maniacs.
I love this country.
Who has ever?
Anyway, okay, there's more to this.
But I have to admit, I take no pleasure in this as watching this death spiral of this administration, this president, and the people that surround him.
One life to live will be right back.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE You know why he gets emotional?
Because he's no longer getting 50 grand a month.
He isn't.
I love this country.
Yeah, I'd love this country too, or if most of the people in it don't make $50,000 a year and you're able to make that for a month just because your dad was vice president.
I love this goddamn country too.
Yeah, and I'd start crying if somebody asked me, why are you crying?
Because that money lost my 50 grand align.
Goddamn Trump, I hate him.
And that is why he lost it, because Trump did this and they had to make it.
Here we go.
My dad has a job, but that doesn't.
My dad has a job, which I'm not really into that shit.
Jobs are a drag.
Okay.
I mean that I had ever had any plans to go do rallies and talk about Donald Trump's kids.
And I never will.
That's not what Bidens do.
Look, unlike them, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about them.
I don't know about you, but I can't stop looking at his teeth.
And he's beautiful.
It's his teeth.
Really don't.
It's all noise.
And what they do is they create.
His teeth are so white.
Even the bottoms, right?
Like, I got the tops white, but the bottoms, I don't give it.
I'm like fucking Giuliani.
I don't care about the bottoms.
The elites have good teeth.
The elites have good teeth.
But you do too.
Oh, well, I'm half elite.
The top is nice.
The bottom is all fucked up.
It's just an enormous amount of noise.
I have to then answer questions about accusations made by probably the most unethical group of people that we've ever seen in this republic.
I mean, I had a sweet deal.
I mean, there are people who are also unethical asking me questions about my unethicalistness.
I feel like he's going to say stuff like, I just, I just like to fly kites and ride a bicycle and throw candy to children.
That's what the Bidens do.
I'm a voluntary fireman.
Can't we go back to the days of just being corrupt and nobody talked about it?
Can't we just have 50 grand a month and we don't have all this hullabalu?
Now we're fucking the other.
That's what I miss about this country is just being able to cheat without anyone talking about it.
I was able to get a job in the Ukraine and China, and so was Nancy Pelosi's kid.
You don't even know about that.
It's happening everywhere and now it's fucked up because of Trump.
How ironic, huh?
How ironic.
So that's why there's more to this.
Been through some stuff in my life.
I've been through some real, real stuff.
Yeah.
He's been through some stuff.
And he's the only one.
He's the only one, by the way.
And everyone's been through stuff, but the kind of stuff he's been through usually, you know, is smoked through a crackpipe.
The point is, everybody goes through stuff, Hunter.
And guess what?
We don't have 50 grand a month to cushion the blow.
Jimmy, do you know what it's like when you can't pay polo horses don't feed themselves, Jimmy?
Have you ever, what did you have you ever had what?
So now I have to drive in a car like a goddamn savage from Manhattan to Long Island instead of taking a helicopter?
You understand what that's like?
And I don't have the money to get my teeth rewhitened.
Jimmy, I used to get my blood oxygenated three times a day.
Here we go.
It's a little more.
This isn't real stuff.
It isn't.
It truly isn't.
That part of it, that Barnum and Bailey, you know.
Those are white teeth.
Those are, that's like, that's whiter than my dad's calves in the summer.
That's how white.
He doesn't tan.
I'm not a fan.
There's nothing.
My dad would take us.
My dad would take us camping, and it was always somewhere that had a lake, which I hated.
I'd run in a pool anyway.
So he would go to the lake and he would have a pair of dickies that he would cut off, right?
So work pants he would cut off.
And then he would wear his work boots, no socks, because he was cool.
And then he would, literally, and he would put on a t-shirt and we're going to the beach.
I'm like, it's so humiliating.
My dad would have a fucking cop belt on and it was dickies and he'd go swimming.
And I was like, this is not, I know.
He grew up poor.
That's what's like, ah!
Yeah, like you had it good because my family swam in a furnace.
And his legs were so white, they could blind you.
Like, how do you get your skin that white?
It was unbelievable.
Anyway, I think there's more of this.
Say anything, do anything you want.
You know, I mean, like, you know, Donald Prince Humperdink Trump Jr. is not somebody that I really care about.
Why did you leave the board in April?
It's a five-year term.
And you chose not to.
I chose not to.
Why?
I think it's pretty obvious why.
This is your opportunity to say why.
Well, because I think that it's become, this is what becomes a distraction because I have to sit here and answer these questions.
Do you regret being on the board to begin with?
No, I don't regret being on the board.
I regret that, you know, all this came out.
And people know what kind of shit I was bullied.
That's what I'm like.
I don't regret the fucking 50 grand.
I'm like, you shitting me?
The bat got kicked out of the army and I got a fucking 50 grand a month.
I'm like, I landed on my feet.
Can I change the topic?
I mean, El Camino is pretty good on Netflix.
I think there's a lot of weight being lent to this, too, with the fact that she is being shot through gauze.
Yes.
Yes, I get it.
Regret is not taking into account that there would be a Rudy Giuliani and a president of the United States that would be listening to this ridiculous conspiracy idea, which has, again, been completely debunked by everyone.
What's the conspiracy?
That's not a conspiracy theory that you got a job on a board of Barisma Energy for 50 grand a month and you don't know shit about energy and you don't know anything about Ukraine.
That's not a conspiracy.
They keep fucking doing that.
That's all that's all they have is a conspiracy theorists, conspiracy theorists.
Oh my God, conspiracy theorists.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Hey, I was at the, you know, I was eating dinner the other day and I told the waitress, hey, I ordered side of potatoes.
They didn't come.
That's a conspiracy theory.
I'm sure the lady in gauze will get to the bottom of this.
It's like listening to some like drug cartel boss going, you know, we were just going about our business, spying politicians, selling drugs, and then another drug cartel cut into our business.
I mean, what the fuck is happening?
He's almost dislikable enough to be on Entourage.
Oh, that is where that's where the clip will end.
So you know what Hillary said.
You know she said this, right?
You know she said.
I'm not making any predictions, but I think they've got their eye on somebody who's currently in the Democratic primary and are grooming her to be the third-party candidate.
She's a favorite of the Russians.
She's a favorite of the Russians.
What does that mean?
Does that mean that Tulsi trains bears to ride bicycles?
Is that what that means?
Hillary Clinton, she broke the glass ceiling and fucking knocked her head off when she did it.
There we go.
So now, so we know she said it.
So now I'm watching CBS at the Sunday show, and they bring on a new here.
They bring on a new hire.
They got a new hire at CBS.
Jamal Simmons is the host of The Remedy on Hill TV, a Democratic strategist, and now, congratulations, a new CBS News political contributor.
Thank you.
And I'm thinking, wow, they have a black guy come on and freely give his opinion on the news in America.
Do you know how we treat black people at America?
I don't think, oh, wait a minute.
Maybe he's not going to say what I think he's going to say.
Maybe he'll.
So this is, watch how much of a defender of the establishment he turns out to be.
They ask him about Hillary Clinton, and watch this.
Jamal, I want to ask you about this extraordinary charge by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
Extraordinary charges, corporate speak for baseless smear.
Okay, here we go.
That one of the 2020 candidates who was later confirmed, she met Tulsi Gabbard, was somehow working for Russia.
Why did she say that?
You know, it is often hard to know exactly what the Clintons are up to and how they're thinking about things.
Because, you know, they lie about anything and everything.
What may be true, though, is that she.
What may be true is that Hillary Clinton's a vengeful sociopath who should be permanently ignored.
Maybe that's true.
Okay.
But what does he think?
Thank you.
That applause started in the back and stayed there.
Okay.
Okay, here we go.
She's worried about something happening to the Democratic nominee that she feels happened to her in 2016.
And she is willing to sacrifice herself to raise these questions very early to preempt whatever those attacks may be.
Hillary is willing to sacrifice herself.
Hillary's sacrificing herself, you know, by smearing a sitting veteran congresswoman.
That's a sacrifice that Hillary's willing to do.
The gutsiest thing she ever did was stay in her marriage.
She said so.
Remember how this kind of sacrifice by Hillary, though, to smear a veteran and sacrifice herself.
Oh, it reminds me of the sacrifice Dick Cheney made when he outed Valerie Plame as a CIA.
I don't remember that sacrifice.
I don't know how he gave that, how he really endured the austerity that came with that.
The unselfish giving of these people and the long-term pain he had to suffer.
Remember how Obama sacrificed himself when he had Chelsea Manning tortured?
Remember that kind of sacrifice?
I don't know where he found the strength.
It's just, they just give, these people, they just give.
Well, I mean, they're really there, like saintly, really, like a mother to research.
Like they're like they are the saints who give.
I wonder, Dylan, who was Hillary sacrificing herself when she called all black kids super predators?
Who was she doing that for?
Was she trying to save David Duke's Twitter account?
Who was she sacrificing?
I mean, there are so many people that needed her to do that in order for them to move forward.
She had to sacrifice herself.
I mean, it's like, what was she going to do?
How are you going to get the budgets?
How are you going to get the seats?
How are you going to have the resources to distribute throughout the entire National Democratic Party system to ensure that your people have power if you don't identify young black people as super presidents?
Like, it's not going to happen.
Those are the sacrifices that we have to make.
Listen, otherwise nothing happens.
Laughter.
That'll get pulled out of context for sure.
You're not even going to be working in the park anymore.
You're not even going to be working in the park anymore.
It's bunkers for you.
Paraguay.
So watch how he ends this, watch he ends this.
Is that she is worried about something happening to the Democratic nominee that she feels happened to her in 2016, and she is willing to sacrifice herself to raise these questions very early to try to preempt whatever those attacks may be.
By the way, I listen to this guy, and I just want to kill myself.
Yeah.
Is that the purpose of these shows?
I think so.
And I just want to up my dosage of solo.
It helps me remember why I don't watch cable news.
Yeah, boy, it's horrible.
Big following on the internet.
It's a big following among some of the more progressive voices in the party.
So they did not take this laying down.
They came for Hillary Clinton pretty hard.
But now we're talking about it on Face the Nation.
Yes, yes, we're talking about the shameless depth that Hillary Clinton is still willing to go to on Face the Nation.
Otherwise known as sacrifices.
Yeah, sacrifices.
We're talking about the secret.
No, watch that.
He throws it back to the host and she says.
Well, they both came out swinging.
They both came out swinging.
What?
No.
Somebody made a horrible bullshit red baiting accusation and then someone else defending themselves.
That's not, they both came out fucking swinging.
That's like, oh, boy, did you see when he went up to that guy at the bus stop and just cold cocked him?
Yeah, they were both swinging, huh?
Yeah, no, that guy who's playing the knockout game, that guy was walking out, he's going, bam!
They were both swinging, I bet.
No, they weren't both swinging.
What the fuck?
Hey, Jeb Bush is on the line.
Hello.
Hello.
You don't know me, but I just want to tell you Donald Trump got booed at the World Series.
Okay, pass it on.
Bye.
Wait, Jeb, Jeb, wait.
What are you doing?
It's me.
It's Jimmy Doer.
Well, gosh, I didn't know that.
Who do you mean you didn't know that?
Well, I've been calling every number in the phone book to tell them Donald Trump got booed at a baseball game.
I guess I'm to the D's now.
May I speak to your wife, please?
Okay.
Hello, Jeb.
Hi, Mrs. Doerr.
You're looking very pretty today, if I may say so.
Why, thank you, Jeb.
Shucks.
G. Can I help you with anything?
I don't know if you know this, but I have kind of a thing for Latinas.
Did not know that.
Well, a married one.
Can I help you with anything, Jeb?
Oh, yeah.
You don't know me, but I thought you'd like to know Donald Trump got royally booed at a baseball game.
Pretty funny.
My brother never got booed at a baseball game, and he killed half of Iraq.
Did you know that?
Yeah, I think I read about that.
Yes.
Well, okay.
Anyway, pass it on.
Bye.
Okay, bye.
Jeb, wait, Jeb.
How can you see Steph?
You don't know about the cameras?
Dad was CIA, dude.
Ah, and you're still using phone books?
Mom and dad kept everything at the compound.
Bowling alleys, ping pong, a skating rink, knock them, sock them robots, and a phone book dad had with the names of every human being on the planet.
Oh, and every room has a whack-a-mole machine.
Mom really loved hitting those moles with her mallet.
Just hitting and hitting and hitting those portal moles.
She was a really affectionate lady, she was.
You mean you're systematically going through a phone book so you can tell everyone Donald Trump got booted a baseball game?
Well, I don't know about systematically, but I am relentlessly calling every single number in the order of which they appear.
Why?
Because that'll take you the rest of your life, Jeb.
Well, I have interns working on this 24 hours a day at the call center.
But is it worth the trouble?
Of course it's worth the trouble.
If people promise to tell their friends Donald Trump got booed at a baseball game, they receive a free Trump's a big douche nozzle tote bag.
But usually they just go for the Larry Mantel bobblehead doll.
Is it worth the trouble for you, I mean, Jeb?
Dad always said there were two kinds of revenge on a guy you hate.
Start a war or use the CIA to call everybody up and call them a big douche nozzle.
I don't have the money for a war like my dumb brother did.
Will you come to my pie eating contest this weekend?
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
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Thanks for your support.
I just want to let everybody know the reason why we're in the problem.
Dylan had laid it out earlier in that other video, but this gets more to the point even.
Here's Barack Obama, and here's why we have Donald Trump, because people were so desperate and so sick and tired of George Bush and Dick Cheney.
And they wanted health care.
They wanted a functioning banking system.
They wanted a living wage.
They wanted stuff that their government was supposed to bring to them.
And Barack Obama did this instead.
My policies are so mainstream that, you know, if I had said the same policies that I had back in the 1980s, I'd be considered a moderate Republican.
I mean, you know, what I believe in is...
So that's, so did you ever see that videotape?
No, no, I haven't.
Yeah, well, welcome to the Jimmy Dorrit.
Nice to be in the loop.
In the loop.
So American people have never seen this.
People who don't watch my show.
I mean, this was, I think, for a foreign television show.
So Americans have never seen this unless they watch my show.
And so that's the real problem, and now we have- Oh.
So they are Americans who've seen the show.
Oh, that's right.
That's right.
Americans who have seen the show.
Right.
Right.
But right.
And so, you know, you don't see a lot of chemistry like this.
It really clicks the way we're clicking.
It's never an awkward moment.
The way we know, like we finish each other's sentences in the wrong way.
Exactly.
So that's the problem.
And then you have millionaire journalists.
I showed you this last week.
Here's Jonathan K. Part.
Reminders that Democrats, who cares if the eventual nominee only meets 80%, heck, 50% of your checklist.
Evicting Trump should be the most important item on that checklist.
Now, that's obviously a millionaire who doesn't have any problems because he doesn't give a fuck about what Democrat runs against Trump because he doesn't have any problems.
And this guy says, I'd vote for a turd with the D beside the name.
And this guy says, my guess is you already have.
Ha ha!
Woo!
So that's, to me, that's the problem.
So that's to, so, and that's all they have left.
They forget that's how we got Trump.
In fact, I tweeted this out.
Chelsea's host is schooled by Tulsi schools a CBS host.
And then underneath he goes, Tulsi has no shot, a wasted vote, and a vote for Trump.
That is a fact.
So now voting for who you want in the primary?
You can't even fucking vote for who you want to in the primary?
Now I can't vote.
I have to vote for Joe Biden in the primary, or I'm voting for Trump.
Can you believe people say that kind of stuff?
The leverage of the political monopoly is sickening.
Yes, it is.
And now on to Bill Maher.
Fuck you.
So now, I want to get the panel's opinion on this.
Bill Maher only follows 39 people.
And now, why would you get on Twitter and only follow 39 people?
Because you're a douchebag who thinks that that makes you look cool.
Because look how I have a million people following me, and I'm so uninterested in everyone.
I only follow 39 people.
And let me tell you something.
Those are the coolest fucking 39 people in the world because Bill Maher follows them.
You know who's cooler than Maher?
Who?
Tennis?
Snowden.
Oh, Edward Snowden.
He only follows them.
He loves one.
One person.
Well, that's a little different with Ed Snowden and he's.
I know it is, but I think they.
I haven't said anything for a while.
I don't think the government...
The CIA is not trying to take down Bill Maher.
In fact, he probably gets a bonus.
He probably gets a bonus check.
He's right.
Whoever said that, I'm with you.
So I'm going to play this whole thing, and we're going to stop and start it.
And this is Bill Maher doing his version of Jonathan Kay parts.
You suck it.
Vote Democrat.
Suck it.
This is actually worse.
Now, there's a lot of solid jokes in here.
Now, I'm not going to say that what he's saying isn't solid comedically because it is.
He has a lot of writers.
He's got great writers.
Bill's got great writers.
And most of the time, he knows he can deliver a joke.
Most of the time.
So here we go.
So this time he does.
So watch this.
Watch this.
And finally, new rules.
Someone must explain to Democrats what binary means.
In America, we've got dozens of flavors of pretty much everything.
Doritos and Gatorade, Oreos, Pepsi, Triscuits, Pop-Tarts.
But we only have two political parties.
Most democracies have a parliamentary system with many parties.
We don't.
Now, you think that would piss him off, but it doesn't.
He just accepts it and gets pissed off at you if you don't 100% accept this bullshit system.
Watch this.
We don't.
Clap, clap, clap, clap.
And that's talk about sheared business.
His audience is like, yay, only two parties.
Yay!
Isn't that, ah, that's sheep.
That's a sheep.
With us, it's always plain or peanut.
Now, that's a good joke.
That's a good joke.
But what I would like to say is I think it's more fascist and fascist light.
I like Carter lately.
Lately.
I like when he deregulated the trucking industry.
That was fantastic how he did that.
Did he?
Yeah.
All right.
Well, I said lately.
We're on the same team, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Cream or suppository.
That's right, man.
Thank you.
That is what binary means.
Trump gets it.
If you really like Donald Trump, that's great.
But if you don't, you have to vote for me anyway.
Whether you love me or hate me, you gotta vote for me.
The question Democrats must ask themselves is: what would make a voter say, Trump's right, I don't like him, but I have no choice?
Well, let's go down the list.
So, but what's crazy, A, is that Bill thinks that Trump is right, that you got nowhere else to go.
Like, to me, that's crazy that we only have two parties in the United States.
Hey, if you don't like me, you're fucked anybody.
Anyway, to me, that's the crazy thing.
But that's not crazy to Bill Maher, a millionaire for the last 30 years, who doesn't have any real problems that government can solve.
So watch what he does.
What is crazy to him?
Bernie Sanders says we should let the Boston Marathon bomber vote.
Why?
Is there a great clamoring to give deranged serial killers more of a voice in civil society?
No, Bill, there isn't.
But what there is, is called a racist criminal justice system in the United States that over-polices brown and black people and incarcerates them at way higher rates than other people.
It's called the new Jim Crow, which is how they've been disenfranchised because once you're in prison, you can't vote anymore.
So now we're disenfranchising poor brown and black people in the same way they did in the 50s and 60s with Jim Crow.
We're just not calling in that.
So Bernie actually has a forward-thinking solution to that problem that enfranchises people who have been disenfranchised from our criminal racist justice system.
And now we have a way to fix it, you fucking asshole.
By the way, I would pay a lot of money to see you debate Maher.
Well, I'm not a good debater, but thank you.
But I don't think it would, it doesn't, again, I don't have to be smarter or a better debater than Bill Maher because I'm on the right side of the issues.
That's why it's very easy to take down a guy like Bill Maher because I'm right.
That's why.
And it doesn't take intelligence.
It just takes a moral center.
That's all it takes.
And I've got one, right?
Because I don't have $30 million yet.
And once I do, I will fuck everyone over.
I'm no better than Bill Maher.
I'm corruptible.
Thank you for the warning.
And nobody's made an offer yet.
As soon as somebody makes a fucking offer, I am on it.
I am.
I'm an insider.
All right.
So here we go.
Is Hannibal Lecter thinking, I love Trump for his narcissistic personality disorder, but Sanders really gets voters like me.
Now, I'm sure you can make an argument for this, but we're trying to win an election here, and this just feeds into what Trump is selling.
Democrats are now the party of crazy politicians.
Crazy Democrats.
They're crazy.
They're crazy.
Hey, Democrats, don't make him believable on that, and you win.
That's not true, Bill.
So what he's saying is all the Democrats have to do is not be crazier than Trump.
Oh, you mean we need to run like maybe a centrist, somebody who's a centrist.
God, if only we can run an experiment where we ran a centrist against Donald Trump, if only we could see what that, oh my God, we already fucking did that.
And we lost.
So this is what he said.
So his big political and campaign strategy, electoral strategy, is just don't offer people anything.
Don't address any of the needs in this country where 80% of the workers live paycheck to paycheck and 30 million Americans don't have, don't actually address any problem.
Just be less crazy.
That's what Hillary Clinton did, Bill.
And the only kind of people who advocate for that kind of electoral strategy are people who are fucking doing great right now.
And that's what Bill Maher is and everybody on his show.
They're all doing great.
Again, when was the last time he had on a union worker on his show?
Never.
When was the last time he had somebody on his show who wasn't worth a million dollars?
Never.
So that's what we're dealing with.
Anybody else want to jump in before I go?
No, I think it covered it.
Okay, thank you.
So there's more.
There's more.
Here's more.
And the fucking way his crowd goes nuts over this shit.
It tears my heart right.
It's just like, oh.
How about you, Eddie?
Does it bother you?
Yeah, I fucking, it's so, the Hollywood liberal shit, the phony liberals in Hollywood are really fucking disgusting.
Because they're the ones who reject my material.
All right, here we go.
More to this.
Elizabeth Warren has not come out in favor of imprisoned serial killers voting, but she does want taxpayers to cover their sex change operations in prison.
Which brings up the question, if you tried, could you come up with a policy with more third rail buzzwords in it?
Let's see.
Taxpayer-funded sex change for prisoners.
No, I don't think you could.
Oh, let me try.
How about tax fair, taxpayer-funded bailout for Wall Street billionaires?
Think I fucking did it.
How about that?
How about that?
Oh, and we're going to talk about it.
Thank you for.
It's coming.
It's coming.
Okay.
And by the way, he's pretending like these are the platforms these people are running on.
Okay, so Bernie doesn't lead with, let's let the Boston bomber vote.
That's not what happened.
Bernie says, let's let the incarcerated vote because it's ridiculous to take their vote away from them.
And we all know it.
So then someone goes, what, you meet the Boston bomber?
You think he should vote?
And what he should have said was, hey, fuck you.
Everybody gets to fucking vote.
That's what he should have said.
But he didn't.
He's like, well, I don't know what he said.
He probably said, Joe Biden's a good friend of mine.
So here we go.
So that's the disingenuousness of Bill Maher, right?
All right.
Anything you want to say?
No?
All right, here we go.
Where are the votes in this?
You know how many transgender people there are in federal prison in America?
473.
and they can't vote.
So we're taking this position because Why?
Because Bill, rich guy Bill, wants to shit on them a little bit or something.
He's got to punch down at least one time during a comedy bit.
And here he is.
He's picked out the transgenders to shit on.
That's the problem with Americans.
It makes a great campaign, Slogan.
Commit a crime, get a free dick.
Not a bad joke.
Not a bad job.
Commit a crime and your new vagina is free.
Not a bad joke.
Let's imagine a slightly different scenario.
You're a progressive voter who likes Elizabeth Warren.
Or you're a vegetarian who likes barbecue.
Thank you.
Woo!
Woo!
You drive a Prius, hate guns, and buy kale in bulk.
Again, these are okay jokes.
You find out that Warren does not support taxpayer-funded gender reassignment surgery for convicts.
So that's it?
Deal breaker, you're voting for Trump now?
Of course not.
This is the binary thing Democrats don't get because apparently they never saw the movie An Officer and a Gentleman, where a drill sergeant forces Richard Gere to admit the same truth that Democratic voters need to face.
I got nowhere else to go!
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, two rich white guys laughing about that our democracy is a sham.
Oh, that's gold, Bill.
That is fucking gold.
Me and Donny Douche are sitting around laughing our heads off at how fucked our political system is.
Donnie Douche, the guy who said he'd vote for Trump if Bernie was the nominee.
Oh, that's right.
Well, and then earlier in that segment, he said something like, oh, my parents worked hard so that I could buy the health care I want, so screw everybody else.
Really?
Yeah, he said that like earlier in that segment.
Donny Deutsch said that?
I mean, those weren't his exact words.
I'm paraphrasing, but you're not.
They kind of were.
That was the theme, yeah.
No, I mean, that was basically it.
Right.
Yeah.
And so, Dylan, now you know these people better than I do.
Now, when Donny Deutsch says that I'm going to vote for Donald Trump if Bernie is the nominee, how many people does he speak for, you think, in that in that liberal class?
You know, not that many.
Really?
Yeah.
So maybe he only speaks for us.
Remember, they raise more political money walking around in the East 60s.
So if you're running for president, you can either fly to 37 different states in the United States, Colorado, Wyoming, Nevada, go nuts.
And you could get every penny of every dollar of every political contribution made for every politician in that entire state for you, which is a decent amount of travel, a lot of chicken dinners, a lot of false promises, a lot of lies, a lot of things you're going to have to do there.
Or you can just walk around in the East 60s.
You mean upper?
Same amount of money.
Yeah, in Manhattan.
That's what you mean.
Where I work, in the park.
You go off the park there.
That's where they keep all the money.
So that's where...
But, but I mean, all jokes aside, it's not about the number of people that that conversation, whether it's the, that represents, it's the amount of resources that that conference got.
Money is speech, my friend.
Corporations are people, my friend.
Oh, that's right.
Okay.
So, and because the money class represents that sentiment, the budget to finance that belief is high, which is wicked.
Okay.
Corporations are people is what they say, right?
My friends.
You're supposed to say my friend.
My friend.
Because I dated NBC.
What a piece of ass.
I don't know.
I just thought that was funny.
Go ahead.
Go back to you, little Bill Martin.
You hear that, Bernie and Elizabeth and Betto and the rest of them?
They got nowhere else to go.
So you can stop wearing your most divisive issues on your sleeve.
Target sells condoms and lube, but they don't call it the condom and lube store.
They hide that shit in the back in a locked case and call themselves Target.
Again, good joke.
Totally misses the point.
He's fucking...
He's bull...
He's...
Again.
Have you ever seen people cheer that we only have two parties in the system to work with?
And Pete said, yes, two parties.
We're so, so fucked up.
Well, you could go to Norway.
They have seven parties.
You know what really pisses me off is that he actually, the comedy is good.
Comedy is good.
And to use comedy.
Right, to push corporatism.
These fucking assholes.
The system.
He's using comedy to prop up a two-party system.
Yeah.
Comedy should be used, what you're doing, you know, subversive.
To undermine it.
To undermine the fucking system.
This entire.
Burn it.
Well, you're not saying.
What'd you want to say?
Like, this entire segment could have just been called contrarian for no reason whatsoever.
That could have been this entire segment, like the theme that he's talking about.
Well, this is more of you just, you got to vote for a Democrat, and that's our winning strategy.
Watch, it gets worse, watch.
Which frankly is not much better.
Point is, instead of trying to make the people on the far left double dog like you, make some good people in the middle not hate you.
People talk.
Some good people in the middle.
Good people in the middle.
So because the people on the far left are assholes, but the people in the middle, they're the good people.
What the fuck is he titled again?
I just, please, someone help me.
He only follows 39 people.
He doesn't know what anyone's up to.
People talk a lot in this country about identity politics.
Here's some identity for you.
Only 46% of Democrats identify as liberals.
Yeah.
Life doesn't end east of La Brea.
Again, good joke, but Bill, I actually am literally east of La Brea right now.
And I can tell you from over here, we still think you're a piece of shit who's fucking out of touch.
East of La Brea.
You're a fucking millionaire who doesn't know his asshole from a hole in the ground, and it's dumb thinking like you that got us Trump.
And we'll get another one, and you'll probably blame Susan Sharandin or Molly Ringwald or somebody else with no money and no fucking power while you make another $10 million telling people to suck a dick and vote blue no matter who.
Well, I say fuck you and fuck your show because this one's better.
And let me also say, 42% of the country consider themselves independents, Bill.
Yeah.
26% of the country calls themselves a Democrat.
So get your head out of your fucking bubble, you asswife, because most of the people in the country aren't Democrats.
In fact, the biggest voting bloc are people who don't vote.
100 million people.
The next biggest voting bach are independents, which 50% of them, according to a Harris poll, still approve of Donald Trump.
Three years of Donald Trump and Democrats resisting, and 50% of independents still approve of him that's a failure of people like you the liberal class the corporate media and the democratic party that's who's failing it's not people who are transgendered or people who want to vote when they're in prison the people who are failing is the liberal class like you bill thank you very much so i like what the oracle says my family
is struggling to keep up with this crazy $9,000 a month plus medical cost of keeping my sister with multiple sclerosis alive and comfortable without all of us ending up homeless.
That's what we are seriously struggling with.
Medicare for all.
That's her response to Bill Maher and I'm with the Oracle.
There you go.
Okay.
Does it not dawn on these people you think Dylan that...
100% doesn't even exist.
They can't comprehend of what the reality is.
I mean even, you know, like Sophia, my experience is more similar to theirs than yours.
I'll be with less money than those two particular people likely have or less celebrity than certainly Bill has.
It's only because I made the choice eight years ago to walk out of that building and become an independent business person myself.
Not for six months.
Not doing, you know, a media thing but building an infrastructure business in Louisiana with the staff.
I mean all these things where I myself am vastly more aware I would say of the absurdity of the fact that there's not a national healthcare system in this country.
Yeah.
And the absurdity of the fact that healthcare is in any way associated with employment.
It's ridiculous.
I mean the mere fact that you're like, oh I got a good job and now I got healthcare.
You're like, and I'm wearing shoes so now I can fly an airplane I think.
Like what does having a job have to do with you having healthcare?
It shouldn't have anything.
It's, it's, it's.
So, and the problem with, after, after things like this, after people are struggling with $9,000 in medical bills every month, Nancy Pelosi says this.
What do you tell Democrats who want a new direction?
And, and then go to you, what are you going to do differently?
Well I don't think that people want a new direction.
Our values unify us.
People don't want a new direction.
That's after they just lost to Trump.
People don't want a new direction.
So again, this is exactly what Dylan's saying.
They're so out of touch.
She has no idea that Medicare for all is even important.
And I want to tell Bill, I want to show Bill Maher this real fast.
So if you want to know what the problem is, Bill, it's not the fact that Democrats have to swallow it and vote blue no matter who because they got nowhere else to go.
Because when they got nowhere else to go, you know where they go?
They go nowhere.
They stay on their couch.
Which is when, when New York Times went to Milwaukee after their election and they wanted to know why they didn't vote for Hillary Clinton.
They were fucking proud that they didn't vote for Hillary Clinton.
By local standards, it was a disappointment.
The lowest turnout in 16 years.
And the no-shows were important because Mr. Trump won the state by just 27,000 voters.
The biggest drop was here in District 15.
A stretch of fading wooden homes, sandwich shops, and fast food restaurants that is 84% black.
In this district, voter turnout declined by almost 20% from the 2012 figures, according to Neil Albrecht.
Okay.
It is home to some of Milwaukee's poorest residents.
Milwaukee's poorest.
It has one of the nation's highest per capita incarceration rates.
At uppercut's, a bustling barber shop in green-trimmed wooden house, talk of politics inevitably comes back to one man, Barack Obama.
Mr. Obama's elections infused many here with a feeling of connection to national politics that had never been before experienced.
But their lives have not gotten appreciable.
And sourness has been here with a few minutes.
Said Manon Sabir, said Manon Sabir, said Manon Sabir, 38, an owner of the juice kitchen, a brightly painted shop a few blocks down West North Avenue, using a metaphor to describe the emotion after Mr. Obama's election.
And then eight years happened.
They went to the beach and eight years happened.
All four barbers who had voted for Barack Obama, but only two could muster the enthusiasm to even vote this time.
And even then, it was sort of a protest.
One wrote in Mrs. Clinton's Democratic opponent, Bernie Sanders, and the other wrote in himself.
So of the four people who even bothered to vote, of the two people who even bothered to vote, they didn't even vote for Hillary Clinton.
So this is what Bill Maher cannot get through his head, is that if you don't give people something to vote for, they're not going to vote.
He goes, I was so numb, said Jan Tony, 45, who had written in Mr. Sanders.
He said no president in his lifetime had done anything to improve the lives of black people, including Mr. Obama, whom he voted for twice.
It's like I should have known this would happen.
We're worse off than before.
They admitted that they could not complain too much.
Only two of them had voted.
But there were no regrets.
I don't feel bad, Mr. Fleming said, trimming a mustache.
Milwaukee is tired.
Both of them were terrible.
They never do anything for us anyway.
One exception was Justin Babar, who said he voted for Mr. Trump as a protest against Mrs. Clinton, who blamed her husband's policies for putting him in prison for 20 years.
As for the claim of racism that has dogged Mr. Trump, Mr. Babar wasn't so worried.
It's better than smiling to my face but going behind closed doors and voting against our kids.
So that's a guy who'd rather deal with a racist who knows he's a racist than someone who says they're not and then does the crime bill, which puts you in prison for 20 years.
Or does NAFTA, which takes the knees out from underneath your union.
Or does the bankruptcy bill that Joe Biden pushed through that fucks over poor people who have medical problems.
I could go on and on and on.
And that's what Bill Maher doesn't understand, is that this country isn't working for those people.
And they're not going to get off their couch or out of their barber chair and vote for shitty Democrats anymore.
That's how it's going to get you Trump again, you fucking out of touch millionaire.
This isn't a Rubik's Cube if I can figure it out, right?
If I can figure this out, it's not a Rubik's Cube, right?
I'm a guy who smokes pot when he gets up in the morning and I can figure this out.
The problem is Bill also smokes pot when he gets up in the morning and he obviously can afford better shit.
Hello?
And what does that mean?
Wait, what do you think it means?
It means I'm a Hall of Famer.
It's like I hit 700 home runs for the gambling industry.
Don't you know, Dahl?
I'm not big into sports gambling.
What's the advantage of any of this, Chris?
Every time I take my family to the Sports Betting Hall of Fame, I get two free sodas and a nachos grande.
And get this.
This ain't just any nachos grande.
It's a nachos grande supreme deluxe EX.
Comes with velcro wrist straps in case some punk starts mouthing off at the ball game.
you got to put your face into his real is real close like you're in a relationship or something oh i went too far that we're basically making this uh and why did they indict indict or induct you?
Why did they induct you into the sports betting Hall of Fame?
Because I dedicated both terms of my governor thing to legalizing sports betting in Jersey.
That's why, and now everybody's father can lose a house in one baseball season.
You're welcome.
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written, that's right, it was written by Frank Connop, Jim Earl, Ron Placone, Step Samurano, and Mark Van Landowick.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
That's it for this week.
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