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Sept. 5, 2019 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:00:29
20190905_TJDS_20190905_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Man, I'm getting a call here from a number I don't recognize.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hey there, little brother.
This is David Lee Roth calling your ass.
Excuse me?
Now, I know you're probably thinking, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, why am I getting a call from American vocalist DR?
Well, as one entertainer turned podcaster slash YouTube phenomenon to another, I just wanted to reach out in a spirit of respect and honor to you specifically, considering what you've been able to build in your little garage out there in Pasadena, my hometown, which makes it all so much sweeter.
Hometown love never dies, and extend an open hand of respect that in ancient Japanese culture is known as Tatsuya Suki, which is something I just made up right now because I speak compulsively.
Well, let me get this straight.
I'm talking to David Lee Roth from Van Halen.
Yes, Van Halen is one of several sources your listeners may know me from, but let's not forget, lest we be remiss, my solo career, my solo albums, crazy from the heat, number one, many weeks, as well as possibly younger people knowing me best from my work with the New York Paramedic Association.
Whoa, whoa!
I'm kind of what you call a polymath.
But now I am, like you, a YouTube guy.
30k subscribes.
That's a good start.
It is, I agree, but it's no 616K, Mr. Door.
Let me know when you get to 666, right?
Run and win the demo.
Okay.
Okay, I will do, Mr. Lee Roth.
Please call me Diamond Dave.
Just kidding.
But maybe not.
Who knows?
Yeah, so I need to get these numbers up.
Okay.
And it seems to me, from what I've seen, the best way to do that is to go leapfrogging around YouTube.
Guest on this show, get more subscribes.
Guest on that show, get even more subscribes.
That's kind of how you did it, right?
Maybe to a certain extent.
That's certainly an element of it.
So yeah, I've been on Mark Maron in his garage.
I did Joe Rogan.
Got that sweet Rogan bump.
You did Joe's show.
I bet you got a sweet Rogan bump.
Yes, I did.
That is true.
I got a Rogan bump.
So what I'm saying is that I am looking for that sweet, sweet door bump.
But don't worry, I'm not talking about the door bump that we used to do when Van Halen was on tour Sabbath at 79 on the Never Say Die tour.
It's the most dangerous bump there is because we do it right off the doorknob.
And you never know when some maniac was going to come crashing through the door.
Look, you know, I don't.
I should tell tales out of school, but Geezer Butler broke his nose twice on that tour.
Ha ha ha ha.
Look, David Lee Roth, with all due respect, this is primarily a political podcast.
We usually have journalists and the like as guests.
Hey, man, David Lee Roth is politics, and politics is David Lee Roth.
That makes literally no sense.
Yeah, but neither did it bop a doob sip, but it may be a million dollars after taxes.
But seriously, seriously, seriously, Jimmy, top Jimmy.
Who's your damn candidate right now?
Who's your fave?
Well, we hear at the show like Tulsi Gabbard a lot.
In fact, she's been a guest of ours.
Oh, yeah, she's fantastic.
I think she's a great candidate.
I love that gray streak in her hair she's got going on.
Makes me think of Rogue from the X-Men.
Or going even further back, Joe Beth Williams from Poltergeist.
You remember that?
Back then, even when we were in the haze of the sort of diver down here, Van Halen.
Diamond, Dave?
You know what Queen famously called a belladonic haze, a phrase I always enjoyed.
Even then, Joe Beth Williams' hair streak really grabbed this man.
It really stuck out in the zeitgeist.
Yes, okay, Dave, but we like Tulsi because of her policies, not her hair thing.
Well, it sounds like there's a lot to love about the lovely Miss Gabbard.
See, that's just the type of stuff we can rap about in person when I'm on your show.
Well, look, Dave, in addition to the fact that you are neither a journalist nor a politician, we'd like to kind of stay focused on topic during our segments.
And you seem kind of all over the map.
I mean, I'm sorry, but no, I mean, I hope you're not too bummed out.
Ah, come on, man.
Are you kidding?
Of course I'm bummed out.
I'm as bummed out as Sammy Hagard at DWI Checkpoint.
I'm as bummed out as Elvis Costello at a dig measuring contest.
But you know what?
I'll get over it.
It was, it was good catching up, my friend.
Well, glad to see you're keeping your sense of humor.
Always, Jimmy, always.
Hey, speaking up.
If I can't sit in with you and Stephen, the gang, maybe I can keep calling in.
Maybe.
We'll see.
We'll see how this video does on YouTube.
Breaking the fourth wall, babe.
I love it.
Wow!
Wow!
It's the Jimmy Door Show.
The show for people that are saved.
It's hard to talk to you today, are you?
There's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Door.
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
We'll see you at the next live Jimmy Door show, which is every Sunday in October at the Sycamore Tavern in Hollywood.
So that's every Sunday in October, October 6th, 13th, 20th, 27th at the Sycamore Tavern in Hollywood.
Live Jimmy Dore shows.
Plus, December 27th, we're at the in Honolulu doing a live Jimmy Door show.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for all the tickets to all our live shows.
Hey, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Hey, did you heard this week Pope Francis?
He alarmed gatherers waiting in St. Peter's Square when he got stuck in the elevator For 25 minutes.
That's a true story.
A spokesman said it would have been 26 minutes if not for Jesus.
The Pope was so mad, he said he felt like crucifying the maintenance guy.
Come on, Pope.
I mean, do we really need a guy lecturing the world on how to get to heaven when he can't even make it to the second floor?
Am I right?
Hey, remember when Obama promised to save America's middle class and instead he ended up bombing Syria's lower class?
That was funny.
I just wanted to remind you that.
Hey, did you know that medieval diseases like typhus and hepatitis are making its way back?
They're infecting California's growing homeless population.
Have you heard about this?
Yes.
Medieval diseases like typhus and hepatitis are infecting California's growing homeless population.
You know, if only there was some way this wealthy Democratic state could help these people.
I don't know.
Hey, look, what's coming up on today's show?
Joe Biden not only forgets Barack Obama's name, but he also completely makes up another war story.
Joe, just stopped talking.
And who is going to be known as the worst Russia Gator at MSNBC?
The answer just may surprise you, or will it?
And let's listen as Rachel Maddow throws Lawrence O'Donnell under the Russia Gate bus.
Plus, unfortunately, Bernie, who's been the victim of Russian redbaiting, himself is pushing more Russia red baiting.
Plus, the dumbest thing ever said on Meet the Press, that's saying something.
That's really saying something.
Plus, we have phone calls today from David Lee Roth.
That's right, that David Lee Roth.
Bernie Sanders, George Clooney, and Mitt Romney, plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Hello, who's this?
It is I, Mitt Romnikus, husband, father of Tag with two G's, grandfather of Jared, Skip, Scooter, and Tad Jr., former governor of a state I never liked, and U.S. Senator.
And I will have my hot dog meat revenge in this life or the next.
Have you been watching Gladiator?
For the 20th time this week, and it's only Tuesday.
I really love the way that Gladiator guy gives it to those dirty Romans.
The Romans were pagans, Jimmy.
Well, so was the Gladiator character.
That wasn't a character, Jimmy.
Everything in that movie is real to me.
It's like a documentary.
I think you might be mistaken about ancient religions, Mitt.
I see your point, Jimmy.
As you know, I am a Mormon, and a lot of people misunderstand our religious beliefs.
For instance, did you know early Mormon Bibles used to begin with the phrase, if you pay more than $7 a month for car insurance, you better read this now?
I could see how that could cause some confusion.
There's no way, Jose, you could even get liability for $82 a year.
It's good you're keeping up with the other religions.
Oh, yes, Jimmy.
We've since added a zero to that seven, but we still hold strong to our core beliefs.
Like when Jesus rose from the dead, he visited early America and he preached against eating bananas because of the whole belly fat thing.
I wasn't aware of that one.
Well, that's why you're fat, Jimmy.
Not that fat.
Let's not get bogged down in details, Pudge Watch.
I just wanted to call you to mark the one-year anniversary of the passing of the most courageous and honorable man I've ever known, John McCain.
And hats off to daughter Cindy, who is honoring John's great legacy by encouraging acts of civility.
Is that a hashtag?
No, hashtag is my fourth son.
Hash is his favorite meat.
Exactly.
What great acts of civility are you talking about when it comes to the McCain family, Mitt?
Remember when he said, I hate the gooks, I will hate them as long as I live?
And he called his wife a trollop.
And when he joked about bombing Iran?
Yeah, those were acts of hate.
It's not hate when you do it in the name of love.
John McCain was a racist warmongering menace.
Only in public.
He really had to get to know him personally.
And the kids loved his maverickiness.
Remember when he hosted Saturday Night Live?
There was nothing stiff about that performance, except his arm.
You're just whitewashing a vindictive politician.
Celebrating that man's civility is disassociative.
I know.
I don't know how I live with myself.
Aren't I just the naughtiest thing you ever did see?
Hot dog is meat.
So I don't know if you saw Lawrence O'Donnell this week.
Was fake tough guy, Lawrence O'Donnell.
That's right.
I forgot I call him that.
That's right.
He is a fake tough guy.
And do you remember when he challenged Mitt Romney's kid to a fight on air?
Do you remember that?
Yes, I was just thinking about it.
Come on, tag.
Come here, Tiger.
I said, what the fuck are you doing?
Anyway, so he had a big scoop this week.
Again, Russia Gate is over, but nobody told Lawrence O'Donnell.
So they had the story about Trump getting co-signers on his loans from Deutsche Bank.
By the way, Deutsche Brank has come up before, and CNN reported a false story about Trump and Deutsche Bank.
They had to retract.
We're going to talk about that later.
But right now, here he is, and he has Rachel on, the number one Russia Gator.
And let me tell you something.
Let me type.
Hey, you guys, come on.
She's an idiot.
And so Rachel Maddow knows that Russia Gate is over, right?
She's already made the money.
She's already lost her viewers.
It's already over.
And now here comes Lawrence O'Donnell, and she watch what she does to me.
This single source close to Deutsche Bank has told me that the Trump, Donald Trump's loan.
Hey, Rachel, by the way, some random guy told me something.
Don't worry, you're going to love it.
It involves Russia.
And so she's, look how long my eyelashes are.
Look how long they are.
Come on.
She could fuck.
Come on.
She could cool the Mojave with those.
Okay, here we go.
Documents there show that he has co-signers.
That's how he was able to obtain those loans.
and that the cosigners are russian oligarchs Even Rachel's like, what?
and that the cosigners are Russian oligarchs.
What?
Really?
What?
What?
Rachel's like, hey, Lawrence, I don't know if you know, but I already made offered all the cash there is to get in Russia Gate.
It's all gone.
All the money's gone.
Now it's like she robbed the bank and Lawrence O'Donnell's jumping in the getaway car and it's out of gas.
And by the way, Rachel knows this, right?
So she totally knows this.
So what she's, and she knew that Lawrence O'Donnell was going to Say this because he tweeted about it earlier in the day, and this is his big story.
So she knows this is coming.
And so, what she's doing is, this is my perfect chance to fucking stick Russia gate on Lawrence O'Donnell and get it off me.
So, she's going to act like, what?
That's fucking crazy.
Why would she say that?
Watch how she, why is she reacting that way?
But, what?
Why would she, you've been doing this shit for three fucking years?
Huh?
What?
Trump's with Russian oligarchs.
She is totally throwing him under the bus right here.
Is she not?
Don't let this story go, Lawrence.
You hold on to this one.
You keep telling this story, Lawrence.
Jimmy, can we watch it again?
Because my favorite part of this clip is watching them have a blink off.
Oh, what?
So when you lie, you blink more.
And you'll see which one is blinking more.
This single source close to Deutsche Bank has told me that Donald Trump's loan documents there show that he has co-signers.
That's how he was able to obtain those loans.
They're having a fucking blink off, ladies and gentlemen.
We're still doing this shit.
Are we still doing this shit?
Okay.
Let's watch it again, isn't it?
This single source close to Deutsche Bank has told me that the Trump, Donald Trump's loan documents there show that he has co-signers.
That's how he was able to obtain those loans.
And that the co-signers are Russian oligarchs.
But it's like animatronic propaganda.
Like it seems like robotic.
It's just like there were co-signers.
Random source.
Do not be named.
Russian oligarchs.
Some would say.
I think it may be Morse code.
I think he's saying we're all full of shit in Morse code and we're all, he just wants out.
But so here it comes.
Here it comes.
Really?
That would explain.
You know, when Rachel Maddow is going, really?
This sounds like bullshit.
Maybe it's bullshit.
It's like Chris Christie going, you know, I think that's fattening.
I'd fucking lay off the cannoli.
You know what I mean?
To me, every kind word Donald Trump has ever said about Russia and Vladimir Putin, if true.
If true.
That's true.
By the way, for this nutty claim to be true, Deutsche Bank would have allowed Trump to borrow billions of dollars over 20 years with the understanding that in the event Trump defaulted, the funds would be repaid in full by shady Russian oligarchs who are beyond the reach of Deutsche Bank.
That's like, oh, oh, is that really what happened?
Oh, yeah, Deutsche Bank, they took, they let the mafia co-sign for Trump.
Oh, people we can never get the money back from.
And Lawrence O'Donnell's like, that's a story.
Let's run.
Let's do it.
will be number one like Rachel.
Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink.
He had to apologize to Donald Trump.
Can you fucking imagine?
It's like you have to apologize.
You know what?
I'm sorry.
My to-do list today, I have to brush teeth, get car fixed, apologize to Manson.
What the fuck?
Tell Pol Pot I was wrong.
Give Nixon props.
Tell Dick Cheney, good guy, sorry.
Here it comes.
Watch, here it comes.
I should not have said it on air or posted it on Twitter.
I was wrong to do so.
This afternoon, attorneys for the president sent us a letter asserting the story is false.
They also demanded a retraction.
Tonight, we are retracting the story.
That's right.
So the Washington Post ripped his ass for this, right?
So Eric Wimpel in the Washington Post says, if true, because he goes, if true, well, if true, fucking Bigfoot lives.
If true, if true, that's a big deal.
There's a fucking man in an ape and he's living in the woods.
If true, that's a fucking scoop.
So this guy says, if true, MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell substitutes wishful thinking for journalism, which that's what they've been doing for the last three fucking years.
Why is it all of a sudden a story now?
They've been doing this for three years.
Again, it's like we caught Chris Christie with a double cheeseburger.
It's like, yeah, I get it.
And then he even says, if you could see that, he says, there's a two-word phrase that will stick with MSNBC host Lawrence O'Donnell for some time, if not his entire career.
And it's if true.
And I'm like, why now do people all of a sudden going to call people out for bogus conspiracy theories about Russia?
Why now?
I mean, they've been, again, so here, let's watch.
Here we go.
Saying, if true, as I discussed the information, was simply not good enough.
I did not go through the rigorous verification and standards process here at MSNBC before.
Hey, by the way, my sources tell me that Lawrence O'Donnell is made of wax.
And if true, that would explain why every night he is seen melting.
Okay.
For repeating what I heard from my source.
Yeah, so he said they're vigorous fact-checking, right?
See, there's last night I made an error in judgment by reporting an item about the president's finances that didn't go through a rigorous verification and standards process.
All he had to do was type something into Google.
didn't even do that?
You're vigorous fucking...
Well, Aaron Mate is here to tell us what it is.
When it comes to Trump-Russia story, the idea of a rigorous verification and standards process at MSNBC is a joke.
That's right.
It's a goddamn joke.
Thank you.
Why?
What have they been doing for the last three years?
The bulk of this network's output for more than two years has been innuendo and conspiracy theories about a non-existent Trump-Russia plot and a massive Russian interference campaign.
So there you go.
That's what they've been doing for the last two plus years.
But all of a sudden, Lawrence O'Donnell did it and everybody's freaking out about it.
In fact, Washington Post, they asked, what precisely is the rigorous verification and standards process to which O'Donnell usually stories are submitted?
We asked the embassy about this gantlet and got this back.
We're declining to comment.
They're not coming.
This is from the Washington Post.
The catastrophe appears to flow from one man's conclusion that having Russian oligarchs on Trump's loan documents is a story that's too good to check.
But what about their last three fucking years?
None of those stories were checked.
They all turned out to be bullshit.
Why now?
I really don't, and this is a true question.
I don't understand why all of a sudden Lawrence O'Donnell made up a crazy conspiracy theory about Donald Trump and all of a sudden now it's bad.
I think it's bad now because Rachel's already lost 600,000 viewers after the Mueller report came out and they know it doesn't make him any money.
Hey, dummy, this doesn't make us any money anymore.
I love what Razor says, judgment impaired by seething hatred.
I posted recklessly irresponsible gossip and I'm super sorry for all the sweet, sweet rounds of ratings and clicks.
Guy whose pinned tweet is about someone else's lying.
This is what his pinned tweet is.
Here's Lawrence O'Donnell's pin tweet.
Trump, when I can, I tell the truth.
That's a lie.
Last word at 10 p.m.
I guess the last word is, I'm sorry I was lying.
So that's his pinned tweet, ladies and gentlemen.
And I love what this guy says.
Here he says, hey, Lawrence, an unverified source told me that Trump is actually a robot sent back in time from the future by Putin to infiltrate the White House.
I have no evidence to back this up, but please report it as factual news on your show.
If true, that's huge.
If true, that changes everything and explains a lot.
I said, when does MBC apologize for and retract their last three years of their entire network, right?
When has that happened?
Because we all know they ran these kind of stories.
And it is like negative 50 degrees in the Dakotas right now.
What would happen if Russia killed the power in Fargo today?
What would happen if all the natural gas lines that service Sioux Falls just poofed on the coldest day in recent memory and it wasn't in our power whether or not to turn them back on?
I mean, what would you do if you lost heat indefinitely as the act of a foreign power on the same day the temperature in your front yard matched the temperature in Antarctica?
I don't know.
I guess I'd go chop down some trees and burn them as wood, but I bet Putin already fucking got those trees.
You know, Rachel, they have nuclear weapons.
They could just fucking fire them at us, you stupid motherfucker.
Which is the equivalent of what she's saying.
So here's, so that's, so where was your rigorous standards then?
There's no, there's never been any rigorous standards.
In fact, Aaron Matei points out how little rigorous standards they are, and that term, if true, they've used before.
Watch this.
Obama himself speculated that Vladimir Putin orchestrated a chemical weapons attack in Syria to distract the U.S. media from Putin's ties to Donald Trump.
If Vladimir Putin, if, if, if Vladimir Putin.
Holy shit.
So why are they acting like this is the first time he's done if he's fucking doing it.
But all of a sudden now the Washington Post is like, you can't do if true.
He's been doing it all the time.
Why not?
Again, why now?
Here we go.
Let's watch.
Speculated that Vladimir Putin orchestrated a chemical weapons attack in Syria to distract the U.S. media from Putin's ties to Donald Trump.
If.
If Vladimir Putin, if, if, if Vladimir Putin masterminded the last week in Syria, he has gotten everything he could have asked for.
Go ahead.
Do a small chemical attack.
Nothing like the big ones you've done in the past.
Just big enough to attract media attention so that my friend in the White House will see it on TV.
And then Donald Trump can fire some missiles at Syria that'll do no real damage.
And then the American news media will change the subject from Russian influence and the Trump campaign and the Trump transition and the Trump White House.
It's perfect.
So that's what's called a conspiracy theory and a conspiracy theorist nut job because even evidence of disproving your conspiracy theory that Trump and Putin are in bed together, even evidence that disproves that, meaning Trump bombed Syria, the client state of Russia, even that evidence proves to Lawrence O'Donnell that the conspiracy is true.
Oh, sure, he bombed Syria, but they were nerf bombs.
He didn't really bother.
He bothered, but that proves my theory.
That's exactly what a conspiracy theorist does, ladies and gentlemen.
And that's exactly what they've been doing at MSNBC and CNN and the Washington Post and the New York Times and fucking three quarters of YouTube.
And nobody's ever had a fucking problem with it.
Why is it that everybody has a fucking problem with it now?
I still can't figure it out.
But they've done even more shit before.
So watch this.
Aaron Matei has more.
Watch this.
By the way, that was in April 2017, more than two years ago.
Fast forward to, say, July 2018 when MSNBC's Chris Hayes brought on writer Jonathan Chait to ponder if Donald Trump has been a Russian military intelligence asset since 1987.
Since 1987.
In a new cover story from New York Magazine, writer Jonathan Chait argues, we have not allowed ourselves to consider the full range of possibilities.
Chait lays out what could be considered the worst case scenario for Trump-Russia collusion, that Donald Trump has been a Russian intelligence asset since 1987.
So there's some Russian, there's a gun, oh, you know, in 20 years, Putin will be president, and we should start grooming Donald Trump because I bet he could win.
I bet he'll beat Hillary Clinton, the wife of the guy who's not president yet, and no one ever heard of.
I mean, this is going to work out perfectly.
And Lawrence O'Donnell has cracked that fucking story for us, ladies and gentlemen.
I mean, Chris Hayes and this other bullshitter, Jonathan Chait from the New York Times.
This is what passes for news on their network for the last two and a half years or three years.
I think Putin planted the story.
Now he's gotten into Lawrence O'Donnell's show.
He planted the story in Lawrence O'Donnell's show.
And, you know, he's pulling all the strings.
So Lawrence O'Donnell, ironically, working for the Russians.
Putin planted that story to discredit the Western media.
And Lawrence O'Donnell then repeated it, being a total, what do you call, useful idiot.
And so now Lawrence O'Donnell is working for the Russians.
I fucking knew it.
Lawrence O'Donnell is a Russian asset.
I fucking knew it.
And somebody should throw him in jail.
I think we should round up Lawrence O'Donnell, put him under some questioning, maybe lock him up for a little while.
Maybe he should go in the cell next to Chelsea Manning for A little while.
Yeah, that's what we should do with a guy like Lawrence O'Donnell.
Well, there's actually more to this.
Watch this.
Then there's Rachel Maddow.
I don't know.
Take your pick.
How about Putin might use the P-tape to force Trump into withdrawing U.S. troops near Russia?
And here's the question.
Is the new president going to take those troops out?
After all the speculation, after all the worry, we are actually about to find out if Russia maybe has something on the new president.
We're about to find out if the new president of our country is going to do what Russia wants once he's commander-in-chief of the U.S. military starting noon on Friday.
So that's okay.
Nobody has a problem with that.
By the way, he didn't withdraw those troops.
He didn't do it.
So all that complete fucking bullshit.
100% made up conspiracy theory bullshit.
And it was pushed by Rachel Maddow.
And now she's like, what?
You think Rob Sharma is Rock and Trump are together?
What?
You're crazy.
I love what this guy says.
He says, meanwhile, Trump is doing more escalation with Russia, and yet tough guy Lawrence won't report on that because it hurts his narrative.
That's exactly what's happening.
Trump pulled out of the goddamn nuclear treaty.
Trump is ramping up on their border.
NATO's ramping up.
He's fucked them over with sanctions.
He's bombed their client states.
He also is opposed to overthrowing their client state in Venezuela.
He's opposed fucking Putin and that's what a true conspiracy theorist does is they ignore all the evidence that debunks their conspiracy theory and they just keep pushing it anyway.
And that's what the mainstream media is, conspiracy theorists.
And that's why they try to shit on us because we tell the truth about this stuff.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show is you become a premium member.
We give you a couple of hours of premium bonus content every week.
And it's a great way to help support the show.
You can do it by going to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
Clicking on join premium.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
And it's a great way to help put your thumb back in the eye of the bastards.
Thanks for everybody who was already a premium member.
And if you haven't, you're missing out.
We give you lots of bonus content.
Thanks for your support.
Hello, Door Enterprises Inc.
Limited, not associated with the makers of Hernia Mesh.
Who's this?
Hey, champ, what's in your wallet?
You know that I, you know that I know, right?
And that I know that you know that the world is falling apart, right?
Well, here's the good news: Brian Cranston wants me to try his brand of Mezcal.
His Mezcal?
I know, right?
I was as shocked and awed as you are.
I don't know.
I'm not a Mezcal guy.
Aw, don't be timid, Jimbo.
You got to grab life by the ball sack and run with it.
I don't like Mezcal.
Jack, I am a tastemaker.
And right now, I'm throwing you a bone, Bone Man.
You simply must try Brian Cranston's Mezcal.
A little dabble, do you?
I love to drink it neat.
Maybe a little bit of ice.
Put it in a Bloody Mary instead of vodka.
Amal likes hers with a little umbrella.
Make a little mezcal, Bloody Mary, and you are in business, my man, bro, Brahim Burn dude.
So what's it taste like?
I have no idea.
I haven't had any.
But Cranston and Aaron Paul, they want me to.
I can sense these things, you know.
I know it's tasty because I and the taste merchant got it.
People magazine's sexiest man alive, 2006.
But you can't recommend something without trying it.
You have only a short period of time in your life to make your mark, Mark.
And I'm there right now.
Try Brian Cranst's Mezcal, and that's coming straight to you from People Magazine's sexiest man alive of 2006 through 2016.
Not Ben Affleck, not too long, and certainly not that dick Idris Elba.
But I'm not a big fan of Mezcal, George.
We all have to learn from our failures, bud.
Well, what have you learned from your failures?
That I've never failed.
And I'm truly sorry about that because I've never failed.
And that's a failure.
I've failed at failing.
It hurts.
Ah, come on.
You must have had some failures along the way.
Amal, who is like a damn gazelle on Molly, by the way.
Plus, she might break it again.
You can never tell.
She says I spend too much.
Okay, that's a problem if you're spending too much money.
No, she says I spend too much time caring about animals, people caring about the universe, you know, etc.
Seriously, try Brian Cranstein's Mezcal.
It has that certain old oak aroma that harkens back to the age of artisanal, handcrafted wabba wada, whatever that told me.
Drink it.
That's Mezcal.
Spelled as Z, not an S. Comprende, Compadre.
Do they make it themselves?
They went to a remote Mexican village and bought someone else's recipe for a lot of money.
So yes.
Okay, well, thanks for calling and updating me on your liquor situation, George.
You are welcome, bra.
Remember, it's better to be the painter than the paint.
Oh, and invest in alpacas.
You'll thank me later.
Ciao.
Chiller.
Chiller.
So now you know Joe Biden's out of his mind, right?
And so he should just stop talking, but he won't.
And here's what he said about healthcare.
He said, here's what he said.
Here it is.
If you're not satisfied, you have another option.
High-quality options.
The public option will be available on my plan.
We'll make sure it's not quality.
make sure it's only affordable I thought you applauded the truth tellers, Jimmy.
Don't make fun of them.
This happens three times a day, ladies and gentlemen.
This happens.
Shit like this happens three times a day.
And so the latest is the latest is when he forgot Barack Obama's name again.
Again.
He forgot.
That's like, that's like Ringo forgetting the name of Paul McCartney.
You know what I mean?
It's like Meghan McCain forgetting that she's John McCain's daughter.
It's weird he forgets he was Obama's VP because he reminds the voters of it every goddamn day.
Right?
That's his whole thing.
So here, want to hear it?
There it is, right.
They did another country and annexed a significant portion of it called Crimea.
He's saying that it was president, my boss.
The guy who is coasting on name recognition can't remember names.
Here we go.
You want to see it again?
He's saying that it was president, my boss.
President, my boss, was the guy who kept the public option.
President, my boss.
Let's hear it again.
I want to hear it again.
It was president, my boss.
Good save.
Joe, just stop talking.
Stop talking.
He's exactly like Hillary.
The more he talks, the more his numbers go.
go down right with that's right he's he's his numbers are not going to go higher.
They're only going to go lower.
They're not going to go higher.
That's exactly like Hillary Clinton.
Every race she ever ran, she started out high and her numbers went down.
She doesn't have the ability to campaign to raise their numbers.
Steph, you pointed out that Joe Biden has run for president four times before.
How many delegates has he won?
Okay, in 80, what was it?
I think a total of in 84, one, in 88, 2, in 2008, zero.
Wow, that's the guy.
He's very popular.
That's the guy the democracy is hanging on right now, that guy.
Yeah.
So this is his fourth run.
This is his fourth, folks.
It must be a charm.
ran for president in 1988 and lost to Dukakis.
Hey Jimmy, in Biden's defense, nobody's talking about Anita Hill anymore.
Ha ha!
Oh!
That crowd didn't like that joke.
I've been in and out of Afghanistan and Iraq 28 times.
I've been in and out of Iraq in Afghanistan over 29 times.
Do I hear 30?
Out of Afghanistan and Iraq over 30 times.
All right.
Sold.
Sold a bad making up bullshit about Afghanistan.
I have been in and out of Afghanistan 3-0, 3-3-0.
3-3-0 times.
The truth, though, according to his campaign, is Biden campaign officials told the Post that Joe Biden had actually been to Iraq 21 times.
Why do you got to, first of all, 21 times?
That's a lot of times.
Why do you got to lie?
Why do you got to go, I've been there 30 fucking times.
Any asshole could go 20 times.
I went 30 times.
Like, why do you got to lie about that?
And this is the guy who's running against Trump because he's a truth teller who can't help but lie all the time.
And he's running against Trump who's a racist and Biden is an accidental racist every fucking day.
Every time he gives a speech, his people have to come out and tell you why it wasn't race.
It wasn't really racist.
All right.
And by the way, the Washington Post, so he's telling this story.
Joe Biden is telling a story, and it's not true.
It's a war story.
You want to see some of it?
Here's some of it.
Here's some of his...
This guy climbed down a ravine, carried his...
It says what it was.
This guy climbed down a ravine, carried this guy up on his back under fire.
Another guy carried, this guy carried this other guy because I don't fucking know names.
I have not tried to remember names anymore.
I'm done with that shit.
That was the advice I got from Mr. My President.
Mr. My President just said, don't do any names.
So here we go.
That he was in Afghanistan as vice president when he was asked to pin a silver star on a heroic Navy captain.
Sir, I don't want the damn thing.
Do not clean it on me, sir.
Please, sir, do not do that.
because he was afraid Joe was going to stab him.
Okay, okay.
He died.
He died.
But according to the Washington Post, almost every detail of that story he told Friday appears to be incorrect.
Boy, every detail of that story appears to be incorrect.
That's also a great way to describe Joe's health care plan.
But what little thing did he get wrong about that story?
What little thing did he get wrong?
Let's see.
I don't know, he got Biden got the time period, the location, the heroic act, the type of medal, the military branch, and the rank of the recipient wrong, as well as his own role in the ceremony.
Thank you.
Other than that, nailed it.
I wonder what the real story is.
Like, I wonder if his campaign sets him aside and like, Joe, we've told you for the hundredth time you were recognized at a Denny's by a college kid in the ROTC.
You got to stop telling that story.
No, it was two guys.
It was two guys.
There were two guys.
I don't know.
What are they doing?
This has been his problem the whole time.
He makes up shit.
He plagiarizes speeches.
That's why he had to drop out before, because he's a fucking speech plagiarizer.
He's plagiarized Robert F. Kennedy, John F. Kennedy, and some guy from the U.K. And he tells lies all the time and he's accidental rape.
This is what we're putting up again.
Oh my God, we're really in.
This is the most important election of our time.
Let's get someone who's fucking hugely flawed and will probably lose.
By the way, here's a story that I'm not, I really don't like doing this story, but it's about Bernie pushing Russia gate, right?
So he's been pushing it the whole time.
So here's him back in 2017.
He says we need an investigation into whether our foreign policy is being conducted in the best interests of America or to protect Russia.
That's in 2017.
Also from 2017, he says, I strongly Support imposing sanctions on Russia.
It's unacceptable for Russia to interfere in foreign elections.
That's the job of Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
Do people fucking forget?
Anyway, so here, and then he goes, This is last week.
This is just last week.
He goes, Mitch McConnell, you need to explain to the people of Kentucky why you believe that we should do nothing to stop Russia from interfering with our elections.
Stop obstructing legislation.
Like, God damn it, Bernie.
So even George Galloway goes, this is embarrassing, Bernie.
Thank you.
And I tweeted out, hey, Bernie, it wasn't Russia that cheated you and then went on to lose to Trump.
Did Russia give Trump $2 billion in free airtime?
FYI, Narutan, and the DNC and MSNBC still hate you, no matter how much Russia gave you spew.
Did Russia fire Ed Schultz for covering you?
Did Russia limit debates so less people heard your message and sneak debate questions to your opponent?
Did Russia illegally kick 200,000 citizens off the voting rolls in New York?
Did Russia make Debbie Wasserman Schultz resign from the DNZ for cheating?
No!
And let me remind you that people know that it was the DNC that cheated us and fucked us, and that's why we have Trump.
People know that because during the 2016 Democratic convention at the convention, and I was there, Debbie Wasserman Schultz went to give a speech in front of her own delegates from Florida, and this is how they treated her.
All right, everybody, now settle down.
Everybody, settle down, please.
Okay, all right, we have a big program.
We have a big program today.
Let's hear.
Let's be respectful.
Please.
Let's be respectful to the person who cheated you single-handedly and is fucking over the country and paving the way for Trump.
Let's be respectful.
Here we go, because we're going to blame Susan Sharan and Russia later.
Here we go.
It's okay.
Everybody is back.
It's okay.
It's actually not okay.
It's actually not okay.
It gets better.
Here are our speakers.
We have our speakers as well.
Thank you all so much.
They go right back to fucking Buy.
They go right back to Buying.
That's right.
She should be in prison, ladies and gentlemen, for election fraud.
Debbie Wasserman Schultz should be in prison.
And she's cheated Tim Kavanaugh.
And she cheated.
That's a total fraud election, Tim Kavanaugh.
And Bernie didn't stand up and say anything about Tim Kavanaugh.
Another guy running as an independent.
Canova.
What did I say?
Kavanaugh.
I say Kavanaugh.
Kanova.
Very different.
Arno fixed that in post, would you?
Kavanaugh.
Kanova.
Kavanaugh.
Canova.
Cut that out.
It's Kanova.
Get it right next time, Arno.
It's my boss.
My boss.
My boss.
I'm not going to pretend that Ron sticking the knife in me like that doesn't hurt.
I've loved Ron.
I've promoted his career and his tour with Graham Elwood.
Thank you.
And this is the thanks I get.
Thank you, Ron.
Thank you, Monte, for pointing out that I'm as big of a hypocrite as Joe Biden is.
And thereby ruining all the rest of the jokes.
I hope this crowd doesn't kill you and follow you back to your hotel.
I really hope you don't follow him back to his hotel and kill him.
Aaron Matei says, I just hope Bernie sees that Russagate emerged partly as a neoliberal defense against his appeal.
Clinton Obama wing needed an excuse for its loss and a defense against rising progressives.
That's why MSNBC et al.
have used it to take.
So the whole point is, if you push Russia gate, Bernie, you know they're going to immediately use it against you.
You should be debunking it because they always use that against the left.
And here's the proof.
MSNBC revealed Russian supporting for Bernie began during New Hampshire primary.
There it is.
Here's another one, Politico.
Sanders silent on claim the Russians backed him in 2016.
Here it is.
MSNBC, Bernie Aid.
We didn't know Russians were helping.
They're fucking, this is, here's another one.
MSNBC, Democratic Senator, calls off Bernie Sanders to disavow Russian support.
This is what, so that's why I don't understand why Bernie's doing this, right?
It just goes to show you that, I don't know, why do you think he's doing it?
To show that he's flawed?
I don't know.
Here's what Michael Tracy says.
Memo to bring Team Bernie pandering to Durane's liberal fantasies on Russia is incredibly embarrassing.
It's incredibly embarrassing.
Now MSNBC, I love this.
Now MSNBC and CNN will cover you fairly.
Other candidates won't have their supporters walk out and try to disrupt your speech.
Narratan will call up for troll army.
You've done it, Bernie.
Unless, of course, they hate you for your policies.
So it's a heartbreaker for me to see Bernie do that.
And it's nice that he never went on Joe Rogan and said nice shit about me.
So now I can tell the truth about him when he does stupid fucking shit like that.
And that is stupid fucking shit.
Here's what Cynthia says.
She says, agree 100%.
I'll always back Bernie, but all these things and more are true.
Julian Assange and Chelsea Manning are still in jail.
WikiLeaks at a standstill and not a Russian in sight.
Stop, Bernie.
Please stop.
And I think Bernie would speak out more for Julian Assange and WikiLeaks and Tulsi, even when Tulsi fucking took it on the chin for him.
When no one else would stand up for Bernie Sanders, Tulsi stepped down as vice chair of the DNC and stood up for Bernie Sanders.
And now Bernie doesn't say anything about her.
And the only thing I can think of is that maybe somebody got to Bernie.
I'm like, why would you think somebody got to Bernie?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Foreign wars are necessary.
We have to stay engaged.
What do you think about Bernie being silent on Tulsi?
Anything, my panel?
Or our panel?
Well, I don't know about the Russia stuff, but I think with the Mitch McConnell stuff, I talked to you about this before.
Tell me about the Mitch McConnell stuff.
I think he is, and this is not a joke, I think he is calling out Mitch McConnell to say, don't let the Russians interfere with our elections because Bernie knows the Russians didn't interfere with our elections, but Mitch McConnell did.
So he's saying, we got to call out Mitch McConnell to keep him from throwing future elections.
How did Republicans in general?
How did Mitch McConnell interfere with our elections?
Well, I'm not talking about Mitch McConnell personally.
I'm talking about the Republicans in general, 2004 in Ohio.
Gerrymandering things like that and suppressing the vote and all that stuff with cross-check, right?
That's all the stuff that's out in the open.
But he's talking about just election interference in general.
Mitch McConnell is not interested because he knows it favors him, not because the Russians are helping him, but because they've got to fix in themselves.
Okay.
But the Democrats don't want to do anything about it either.
I wonder why.
What is it?
Why don't they?
Yeah, that's the thing.
I would agree with your point more if he also called out the Democrats, the DNC, which are doing the same fucking thing.
And we all know what's going to happen.
It's going to go to a second vote.
It's going to be Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, and the Super Devil's going to pick fucking Elizabeth Warren.
They're going to go, fuck, pound sand.
And she's in bed.
And it's over.
Okay, thank you very much.
All right.
All right.
So we see this shit happening.
Why do you think other progressive news outlets don't see this happening the way everyone here sees it's happening and the way we see it happening at the Jimmy Door show?
Please write it down and send it to us.
So listen to this.
So Casey Hunt, who you know, you know, shit on Tulsi extra hard, and we took her down for that and what have you.
And so Casey Hunt went on, and she said this about because there's a lot of scandals involving men.
She's, well, here's what she said.
Can I just say character-wise?
Let's elect a woman, okay?
But he is like nonsense that's been coming from our male politicians of all parties.
Like, I don't know.
I'm tired of it.
You don't want to work.
Let's elect a woman.
Okay, I say let's elect Tulsi Gabbard.
You want that game?
*crowd cheers*
But you don't mean, you don't mean any woman, right?
You mean a specific, you know what I mean?
So a woman, just any woman?
Like, how about Sarah Palin?
How about Michelle Bachman?
Oh, no, not those women.
Not anyone.
Live with that.
Can I just say character-wise?
Let's elect a woman, okay?
But he's like, nonsense that's been coming from our male politicians of all parties.
Like, I don't know.
I'm tired of it.
You don't want to worry about character.
Elect a woman, please.
Thank you.
There it is.
The most factless base thing in the world that's ever been said on this show.
Stupid, ridiculous, fucking crazy.
There it is.
Is that what he's going to say?
No.
I never understood why that is in and itself isn't a reform message, which is you don't see women governors getting into these scandals.
You don't see women.
Yeah, that's ditto.
of all, for the record, I've never understood is the most accurate thing Chuck Todd has ever said.
And you don't see women.
Sure, I will be accused of being sexist in the opposite direction, but.
Yeah, I'm going to be accused of being sexist in the opposite direction because I was just sexist in the opposite direction.
You know, the facts are what they are.
The facts are the facts.
The facts are the facts.
Women are fucking morally superior and they don't ever do anything bad.
I mean, just look at Margaret Thatcher.
And what the fuck?
what world does this sixth graders would go no i know a girl who's mean to me I'd meet the press.
Oh, let's all pretend I did any politics and everything.
This is a, here we go.
The facts are what they are.
The facts are the facts.
Well, we nominated a good woman in 26.
Well fact.
Oh, you want to talk about no scandals?
Look no further than Hillary Clinton, am I right?
Oh, my scandal-free if I've ever seen it.
Well-facted there.
Thank you, Doug.
Well-facted.
Did you hear?
That's well-facted.
Is that a term?
Oh, that's well-facted.
You know, if we watch this clip backwards, it makes more sense.
You know, when Kamala Harris was throwing low-level drug offenders in prison for life, I think they all agreed she had great character.
The facts are the facts, and, you know, at NBC News, we ignore them.
Well-facted.
So, by the way, the character, the mayor of Baltimore is a woman, and she's hiding for theft.
She's in hiding for theft.
The current mayor, the current frontrunner for the Democrats, Elizabeth Warren, lied about her heritage to get a job.
And the last candidate, Hillary Clinton, well, she lied about everything.
You know, there's tape and Google and memory, right?
You fucking know that.
Thank you.
What an absolutely pernicious and idiotic thing to claim.
Women have the same sinful nature as men, as even the least observant among us know.
Now, Steph, you're the woman on the panel.
Thank you for noticing, Jim.
Just so you know, I have a vagina.
And has your vagina...
Has your vagina ever done anything, you know, immoral?
According to Casey Hunt, that's impossible.
That's impossible that your vagina is out there, you know, healing the sick and working with lepers and never jumping on an errant dick.
Thank you.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Thank you.
You are correct about all that.
I have a magical vagina.
I think my sisters here, too, have magical vaginas.
We are pussyliclicious.
Yes, your pussies cleanse us of our immorality.
And that's why I, that's why I do.
I drop a little pussy juice on me every day.
And they're like, what are you doing?
I'm like, I'm trying to get moral.
I'm trying to get rid of scandals.
Glad to help, Jimmy.
Thank you for the pussy juice cleanse.
Thank you.
This show is ridiculous.
*Rolls*
Hello?
Donald Trump is a racist, a homophobe, an Islamophobe, a swedophobe, a truth phobe, a female phobe, an agoraphobe, a hydrophobe, and a fobe phobe.
He's a big phobe.
Ah, Senator Sanders, is that you?
Don't get to my bad side, you smart aleck, or I'll start on you too.
Jimmy Dore is a troublemaker, a cake maker, a steak taker, a lake hater, etc.
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