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Aug. 29, 2019 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:01:33
20190829_TJDS_20190829_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
We haven't heard from friend of the show Al Pacino in a while.
Let's give him a ring, see how he's doing.
Hello!
Is this Grubhub?
What?
Is this Grubhub on the line?
No, this is Jimmy Dorr for the Jimmy Door show, Al.
Where is my chicken masala?
What?
And my samosas.
This is Jimmy Dore, Mr. Pacino.
I ordered food from Grubhub, and they never showed up.
I've been waiting for them to call.
How long ago did you order?
Late April.
Okay, Mr. Pacino, I don't think that order is going to be coming.
All right, then.
Jimmy, bring me some chicken masala.
I'm afraid I can't do that today.
Ah!
Life is but a grand farce until, broken and weary, we exit the stage.
Well, I hear you have a big movie coming out.
On Netflix.
Yes, on Netflix.
It's called The Irishman, correct?
That's right.
The Irishman.
I play Jimmy Hoffer.
Where did that guy go?
Well, something tells me the movie may have some theories about.
Yeah, Bobby De Niro kills him.
Mr. Pacino, spoilers.
Whoops.
Anyway, Madiscorsi directed it.
Piece of work.
Also, Netflix just announced the running time.
Three and a half hours.
Whoa!
That's a lot of movie.
They cannot wait until the six-hour director's cut gets released on Hulu.
Why is this movie so long?
There's a lot of story to tell, Jimmy.
Me, De Niro, Jopesci.
We gotta, you know, chew the scenery a little bit.
Besides, long movies are all the rage now.
Once upon a time in Hollywood, I'm in that.
It's long as shit.
Uh-huh.
And anyway, that's how movies used to be.
Four-hour epics.
Ben-Hur, Cleopatra.
Yeah, but nobody...
When you go to your local Netflix and get your popcorn and sit down in that collapsible chair and see this film, you'll be wishing there were three and a half more hours to it up on the silver screen.
Uh-huh.
Movie magic.
Al, Netflix isn't a movie theater.
Come again.
It's a streaming service.
Okay, you gotta speak English here.
Al, it's a streaming service that allows you to watch movies in your own home.
But the movie theater.
Where's this Netflix?
No, no, it's not a physical movie theater.
It's not a place.
What?
Like it's a state of mind?
No.
No.
Mr. Pacino, it's Netflix.
It's like cable TV, but through the internet.
What?
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
People are gonna watch this at home.
Yeah, lots of people, I assume.
I dedicated my magnum opus role, my Jimmy Harfa.
My blood, sweat, and tears off of a performance to a goddamn streaming service that people are gonna watch in their pajamas.
You broke my heart.
Are you okay, Mr. Pacino?
No, I'm fucking destroyed over here.
I'm sorry.
I thought you knew.
I mean, I didn't mean to be a bearer of bad news.
It's all right.
I'll be fine.
I just thought it was going to be up there on the big screen.
You got anything to cheer you up?
Yeah, I'll find something fun to watch on Hulu.
Wait, what?
On my Roku.
But I thought that...
What's that?
Is it too late to add Lamb Coma to the order?
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
We'll see you in Seattle on September 16th.
That's a Monday, September 16th.
We'll see you in Seattle.
And we'll see you at Hawaiian Bryan's.
That's right, Halonolulu, December 27th.
Every Sunday in October, we're doing a live Jimmy Door show at the Sycamore Tavern in Hollywood.
Go to Jimmy DoorComedy.com for a link for all tickets.
Now let's get to the jokes before we get to the joke, shall we?
Hey, breaking the future of the Amazon forest now lies in the hands of two men arguing over their wives.
Hey, David Koch is dead.
Great.
Now America is only owned by two people.
David Koch was pro-choice, pro-legalizing pot, pro-gay marriage, wanted to privatize Social Security and hated Medicare for all.
So basically, the DNC just lost their first choice as president.
Hey, the only reason Joe Biden wants to block a debate on climate change is he thinks it might take attention away from his past relationships with racists.
Joe Biden says he's against Medicare for all because he wants to build on our current system where the only way your son can afford treatment for brain cancer is to get Barack Obama to personally pick up the tap.
Hey, Donald Trump said he denies he ever floated the idea of attacking a hurricane with nuclear weapons.
Unless, of course, they attack us first.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
Jill Biden admits, yes, Joe sucks and begs for you to vote for him anyway.
The DNC cheating the loudest anti-war voice out of the debates again.
Isn't it nice?
The Democrats learned so much from 2016.
Plus, the Democrats block a debate about climate change after reversing rules to let them take fossil fuel money.
Plus, Centrists go crazy over Susan Sarandon, the all-powerful Susan Sarandon.
Plus, we got phone calls today from David Axelrod, Mitt Romney, BB Netanyahu, and Al Pacino.
Plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
I got to start out with a little bit of bad news.
All right.
A little bit of bad news.
billionaire So it's pretty sad.
You guys try to suck it up.
Enjoy the rest of the show.
So guess what?
Don't think Bernie Sanders is effective.
He released his climate plan yesterday, and already David Koch is dead.
Thank you.
Come on.
I mean, this is crazy.
He's a philanthropist.
When's the last time a philanthropist died and a crowd cheered?
That's that guy who spent his whole life helping people.
He's dead.
Fuck yeah.
Nobody, if he actually did, nobody would be saying that.
Here's some of the stuff he actually did.
He tried resegregating schools in North Carolina.
His family's linked to Nazi support.
He polluted the world.
He supported the Keystone pipeline.
while we were all affected by climate change, he contributed to, I hope, he experiences the heat from the flames of hell.
Thank you.
Also, he has destroyed the public transportation system throughout all of America, including here in Florida, donating to Rick Scott to give up over $2 billion of federal money to develop a light rail from Orlando to Miami.
And the lovely thing about all this is that I really want Charles Koch to see this happening, to see the worldwide public reaction to the death of his brother and know, really know deep in his bones that the day he dies, the world will be cheering in joy, just like today.
Thank you.
I got to tell you, this really is not nice.
We were going to have a moment of silence, but not anymore.
That's ruined.
I think I'm offended on behalf of the David Koch.
Mike Huckabee, too, he said the hateful comments of the left about the death of David Koch leaves me in shock.
My only thought is to say to those vicious people is get thee behind me, Satan.
I truly don't understand that level of sheer evil towards others.
And this is what Sarah Sanders Huckabee said.
*crowd cheers* Thank you.
Did you tell him you saw her in a restaurant with her kids?
Did you tell him?
Oh, no, no.
Seth saw Sarah Sander Huckabee in the restaurant with her kids.
And what did she say to him?
She said, "Don't lie with your mouth full." So I totally get what Mike Huckabee is saying here.
I like what this guy said, though.
He goes, when someone passes away, no matter who it is, it's a time for mourning.
It's not the time to discuss things like whether they destroyed the entire planet and ushered in an American cultural dark age that has permanently poisoned our collective soul.
Thank you.
That may be the funniest tweet I've ever seen.
And Mike Huckabee, you know, there's just, if everybody could just stop being such colossal hypocrites just for a fucking day, you know, because he's a big supporter of Donald Trump, who couldn't be more evil, vicious, mean.
Remember when Donald Trump mocked a reporter with disability?
Do you remember when he fucked?
I remember that, but Mike Huckabee's cool with that.
What is the left who are fucked because we're laughing about a billionaire cocksucker who tried to ruin the planet?
You mean that?
I don't think so, Mike.
Go fuck yourself.
How about that?
Get thee behind me, Jimmy Doer.
Indeed.
By the way, Joe Biden asks audience to imagine Obama's assassination.
Joe, just shut up.
Just shut up.
Stop talking.
Joe, just shut up.
Tell people you bit your tongue.
Just shut up.
Stop talking.
This is right after he said, you know, poor kids could do just as good as white kids.
He said that.
He said it.
And now look at this.
Biden targets Trump, hits 2020 rivals over Medicare for all.
That's what Trump is, that's what Biden's doing.
He's coming after Democrats advocating for Medicare for all.
So that's how shitty he is.
So they sent his wife out.
So watch this.
Watch this.
I know that not all of you are committed to my husband.
And I respect that.
But I want you to think about your Kennedy, his or her electability, and who's going to win this race.
Okay, I'm thinking about it, and I'm concluding that Biden would lose to Trump.
Thank you.
I thought about it.
Have you thought about it, Jill?
Here we go.
And so if you're looking at that, you've got to look at the polls.
You know, a lot of times I say, oh, you know, polls, excuse me, polls don't mean anything.
Polls don't mean anything.
But if they're consistent and they're consistently saying the same thing, I think you can't dismiss that.
Yes, I mean, if the cherry-picked polls from the DNC all say the same thing because that's why we cherry-pick them, well, you can't dismiss that, can you?
Which means we have to go to independents and say, join us.
We have to go to Republicans and say, okay, you're a Republican, but you can't tell me that your children are proud of the president, you know, of the things he says.
You know, she's stalling right there because she just started remembering all the stupid shit Joe said.
You can't be proud of all the stuff he says.
Like, oh, fuck, Joe does that too.
I like how she goes, we need to get independents and Republicans.
And what the fuck is she talking about, right?
There was like 46 million people didn't come out to vote, and that's who you have to get.
You don't have to get People who are already voting.
You have to get people who aren't voting because they know voting doesn't make a difference.
We need to have poor people and white people and even those damn millennials that Joe hates so much.
Now it really gets good.
Watch this.
She really gets good.
The mother or as a father.
I mean, how can you be part of that president as a leader?
And I think if you look at where Joe is in the polls in Michigan, Ohio.
Oh, Joe's ahead in the polls in Michigan, you know, all the places that where Hillary crushed it.
In Pennsylvania.
Pennsylvania.
Yeah, so he's great there, just like Hillary.
They love the centrism and the fucking thing.
He's leading all the other candidates.
So yes, you know, I, you know, your candidate might be better on health care than Joe is.
Just to, for instance.
Just throwing out a little thing, like, whatever, fuck, you know, like, that thing that'll make you not die.
You know, whatever.
Like, for instance, something super important.
So let's say Joe sucks on that.
Doesn't matter.
You got to fucking vote for him.
Why don't you just tell Joe to stop sucking on that?
That's not how it works.
The independents, the Republicans, they want sucky, I think.
Why don't you just tell, like all this effort into getting people who don't want to vote for a piece of shit corporatists to fucking vote for a piece?
Like, why don't you just get a better fucking candidate?
Why don't you tell Joe to advocate for shit that's going to help people's lives?
Why don't you tell Joe to stop the wars?
Why don't you tell Joe to advocate for a living wage?
Why don't you tell Joe to advocate for a Great New Deal?
Why don't you tell Joe to advocate for Medicare for all like the rest of the fucking world?
Why don't you tell him to advocate for free college?
Why don't you tell Dad to advocate for the people who want to fucking vote for him?
Why don't you tell him to fucking do that?
Thank you.
Jimmy, he's doing well in the polls.
And it sounds like Jill's response is, I think her mantra is lower your expectations.
Vote for Joe.
And we all remember that Joe ran for president in 1984 and 88 and 2008.
All right?
Fourth time is the charm.
And you want to know how many delegates he got to support him on those runs?
Three.
And zero in 2008.
Oh, then he's definitely the guy who can beat the city.
So wait, is that why his website is Biden 303030330?
We figured it out.
How about that?
So she gets even worse.
This gets worse.
Watch this.
But you've got to look at who's going to win something.
And maybe you have to swallow a little bit.
Maybe you have to swallow a little bit.
You know, swallow a little bit of like fracking fluid, you know?
Or tax cuts for the 1%.
Just swallow it.
This is how they're trying to get people to vote.
Just fucking swallow your principles.
Swallow them.
Because it's Joe.
You're right, Jimmy.
We should all swallow more lead-poisoned water.
It goes down so smooth.
Okay, I personally like so-and-so better, but your bottom line has to be that you have.
There you go.
And by the way, Joe can't be here today because we know if you hear him talk, you'll like him less.
So here's his wife to remind you how shitty he is.
Thank you.
Thank you.
She came out.
She's basically saying, I know he's shitty.
He's not good.
You don't like him.
Swallow it.
Shut it.
Swallow it down.
Keep it down.
Your emotions put him down in your tummy and get cancer.
In what other circumstance would this even be taken remotely seriously?
You know what I mean?
Like, like, imagine the Denver Broncos needed a new starting quarterback.
And one of the quarterbacks on the team, like their wife, goes out and goes, okay, look, I know my husband has a lower passer rating than the other quarterbacks.
I know he's totally immobile in the pocket, throws a lot of interceptions.
I know he's really shitty, but we got to think about beating the other team.
So just swallow it and start him.
No one would buy it.
I mean, Joe's going to go to the refs.
The refs like Joe.
Joe likes the refs.
Joe goes to the announcers in the booth.
They like Joe, too.
Everybody, and the owners love Joe.
The owners love him.
Aaron Matei says, your candidate might save millions of lives, including yours, by providing, I don't know, a basic human right.
But you've got to look at who the people who lost the last election want to win this election.
Yeah.
Your candidate might save millions of lives, but he gets even better.
He goes, this to me captures the spiritual agony that must haunt neoliberal Democrats.
You're smart enough to know that your policies hurt people, but you're driven to hide that by a sense of entitlement that your circle deserves power regardless.
Sometimes that deeper hidden truth comes out.
And that's what just came out.
Thank you.
This is what we're up against.
People who are so insulated with privilege and money that they think health care is a whatever.
And by the way, has anyone ever won a campaign with this sort of argument as a driving factor?
Campaigns are one on messaging of issues and charisma, not the probability of electability.
You know, that doesn't.
You don't go, you don't hit, if you're trying to get laid, you don't go to a singles bar and go, hey, I know that guy over there has got a bigger dick and more money than me.
LAUGHTER But the primary's over.
APPLAUSE You have to fuck me.
and swallow it.
I love the bottom line is that you have to beat Trump while sticking to a strategy that has been proven to not work 100% of the time so far.
Joe Biden is so bad.
I mean, this is unbelievable that they're doing this.
He's worse than Hillary.
In a lot of ways.
In fact, the Guardian says Joe Biden inspires no one, not even his own wife.
This is...
His slogan, what do you think Joe Biden's slogan is going to be?
It's going to be Biden 2020.
He sucks, but we have to beat Trump.
Thank you.
So here's Joe Biden here.
They're tweeting about Joe Biden.
He says, Joe, New Hampshire, I'm heading your way to talk about our bold vision for the future of the country and how we'll get it done together.
Head to Joe to find out an event in your community.
And if you click that link, it just takes you to a computer virus.
I love that.
Hey, New Hampshire, I'm heading your way to talk about my bold plan.
And my wife is going to get there first to tell you not to get your hopes up too high.
Thank you.
I have a bold plan for New America.
We're going to make America moral again.
My time's up.
Oh, this is Wendy's.
Sorry.
He's going to New Hampshire, and you know, there's at least 12 people stoked to hear his message.
Come out to an event in New Hampshire, poor people and white people.
Joe Biden, come on, man.
Swallow it.
By the way, Joe 3030 is actually the year he would plan to do something about climate change.
Joe Biden, and I have another joke.
Joe Biden, he's the only candidate whose media strategy includes messaging on ham radios, laser guns.
See if Joe's coming to a nursing home near you.
That is ageism.
That is.
Fucking, that's the shit.
That's what you get for having a smart audience.
You're being a hypocrite, Jimmy.
I just caught you.
I don't want to be a dick, but there it is.
I'm being a comedian, and I'm not running for anything.
And if I was running for shit, believe me, this show wouldn't be half as fun.
Wow, with senior CNN political firebrand David Axelrod.
Hello.
Impassioned firebrand, Jimmy.
I'm a prize fighter for passion.
I've always wanted to know why you left MSNBC and moved to CNN years ago.
Is it because you were a firebrand there?
I'm a details person, Jimmy.
It's what separates me from the other so-called expert political commentators on cable television.
People sense that and become intimidated.
I speak truth to the powerful.
They can tell by the way I use my walk.
I'm a woman's man.
No time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I've been kicked around since I was born.
Shit like that.
All right.
When you left MSNBC, you said you didn't want to be a surrogate for the Democratic Party.
That is correct, Jimmy.
And that's why I made a bold and transformative change to move to CNN, where I became a surrogate for the Democratic Party.
And that's how you're a firebrand?
Have you seen the latest edition of the Axe Files on CNN?
I completely, you know, break the boundaries of traditional media.
But all CNN does is smear Bernie Sanders.
I know.
I think we've really broken the boundaries on that.
Oh, by the way, Jimmy, the Axe Files is in Iowa this week.
It's Iowa Bus.
Iowa, Iowa, Iowa.
I got to stop cramming my mouth with milk dust before calling people on a telephone.
How do you think Joe Biden is doing lately?
Well, Jimmy, despite Joe Biden's shambling week of gaffes and flip-flops, he's still easily the frontrunner of the Democratic contenders.
The new Monmouth poll as Biden in third place.
The Monmouth poll.
Yeah.
What has the Monmouth poll got to do with Iowa?
Say that five times slowly.
Man with Iowa.
Man with Iowa.
Man with Iowa.
Yeah.
No.
I am getting very sleepy.
And when I awake, I will feel revitalized and refreshed and remember nothing about what just happened.
What?
Iowa Monmouth.
Okay, but with Sanders in first and Warren in second place, how can you say Biden is clearly the frontrunner?
He's in third place.
That's easily explained through volatility.
What does that mean?
Things are fluid.
All life operates on multiple planes in several dimensions.
Well, we see our shadows of reality, and the real world is but an intangible domain of our human soul.
Say, do you like to party?
Maybe.
Good, because this week, the Axe Files welcomes a new sponsor, Taylor May, for today's political activism.
May I?
Go ahead.
Is your campaign to hiding your orgasm suffering because you're awkward in social situations?
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Okay, I got to hang up.
My sinuses are acting up again.
So long, Jimmy, and keep having good sex.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show: you become a premium member.
We give you a couple of hours of premium bonus content every week, and it's a great way to help support the show.
You can do it by going to JimmyDoorComedy.com, clicking on join premium.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business, and it's a great way to help put your thumb back in the eye of the bastards.
Thanks for everybody who was already a premium member.
And if you haven't, you're missing out.
We give you lots of bonus content.
Thanks for your support.
Hey, baby, Bibi's in the house.
And calm down for Pete's sake, will you?
Is this Bibi Netanyahu?
Who else could display this much shocking arrogance and sickening confidence while the world is burning?
And calm down.
Calm down.
You're the one who just attacked Lebanon, Syria, and Iraq.
Oh, come off it already.
You act like I just attacked Lebanon, Syria, and Iraq or something.
But you did.
Did what?
You attacked Lebanon, Syria, and Iraq.
I did not.
Then what was it then?
First of all, they're not countries, all right?
And secondly, you're welcome.
For what?
You just started wars with three countries, BB.
Oh, please calm down.
They're not wars.
They're interventions.
You'll thank me later.
For what?
For intervening between Muslims and a healthy life.
Some are speculating that you're doing this to distract from the charges you'll face later this year.
What charges?
I haven't heard anything about charges.
I return my cable box to Spectrum.
There are no charges.
What's all this nonsense?
I'm talking about the corruption probe against your administration.
You're facing charges of bribery, fraud, and breach of trust.
Like, that's a bad thing.
I'm a maverick.
Yeah.
I tell it like it is.
I have my dog do tricks for Conan O'Brien.
The implication is outrageous.
What implication?
That I am guilty of taking and receiving bribes just because authorities say I should be charged with taking and receiving bribes.
You could land in jail for that, mister.
Israel knows how to defend itself well and to repay my enemies.
I mean, it's enemies.
I thought fascism might be one of your enemies.
So why do you invite someone like Bolsonaro to Israel and treat him like a pal?
Because I care deeply about what happens to the Amazon forest, Jimmy.
That is why Jair accepted my offer to immediately send him flame-retarded materials in assistance.
His soldiers are getting hurt setting all those fires.
Yeah.
But we need to preserve the Amazon, Bibi.
It's the lungs of the world.
So stop whining about the Amazon.
They attacked us first.
I have to go now.
I feel a bribe coming on.
And oh, your good Kirsten Gillibrand dropped out of the race.
So, so sorry to hear this.
Yeah.
She was a great friend of Israel.
Yeah.
I mean, a really good friend.
If you know what I mean.
Not really.
Like three fingers.
All right.
What?
That just means scouts on her.
The establishment is already coming out hard for anybody who's not going to back the vote blue no matter who in a whole nother year, right?
2020.
They're coming.
It's like they might as well just come out and say, hey, you better fall in line.
That's what it feels like they're saying, right?
Here is Hillary Clinton's press secretary from when she ran.
And it's like they're saying that.
In fact, they're fucking literally saying that.
Fall in love in the primary, fall in line in the general.
Fall in love during the primary and fall in line during.
That's just like a, that sounds like a very healthy relationship, doesn't it?
You know, fall in love during your courtship and then fall in line during your marriage and shut the fuck up.
Ah.
Anyway, this is how they bring people into the party by fucking alienating everybody.
How does this bring people into the party, Steph?
Oh, you know, Jimmy, it's a wide tent.
There's just no people in it.
Woo!
We bully people, so now they like our terrible candidates later.
That's not how it works.
You don't bully people into liking you.
Well, here's what Susan Simmons says.
She goes, I've made this argument a million times.
Trump is the president because people voted for him.
Don't like it?
Convince people to come out and vote for someone else.
No one owes a vote to anyone.
women's suffrage didn't happen so I could be told who to vote for.
applause Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
I'm pretty sure the reason half this country doesn't bother voting isn't because they're like, man, I wish there was just someone out there we could just shrug and fall in line for.
I really didn't really get me out.
So here is near.
So this is happening again.
So something bad happened with Trump, and people start blaming Susan Sarandon again.
This has been happening for about a week now on Twitter and Facebook, all over social media.
People have so Dean Obladaya tweeted out.
He said, Trump's fine people.
They come after the Dayton mayor.
The mayor of Dayton, Ohio, needed extra security after President Donald Trump publicly insulted her.
And then Nira Tandon says, news like this has become commonplace.
And every once in a while, I just want to thank Susan Sarandon for her campaigning, not just voting third party.
Instead of working to stop Trump, she helped him.
First of all, Nera, I think she did vote.
I think Susan Sarandon did vote for the guy who could beat Donald Trump, and his name was Bernie Sanders.
applause and applause Niratandon doesn't like Susan Sarandon because Neera Tandon never could do the time warp.
And let me tell you why.
'Cause she can't jump to the left.
Ha, ha, ha.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Listen, I, for one, am tired of Miss Sarandon getting my credit.
I am tired of that.
I was responsible.
So here's what Aaron Matei says.
The people who lost a presidential campaign to Donald Trump should have been forced out of politics.
They should have.
At minimum, they should have accepted responsibility.
Instead, they're now approaching their third anniversary of blaming everyone but themselves, from Russia to Susan Sarandon.
Thank you.
They're one year away from getting a degree.
Listen, look what...
Look at the bottom of this tweet.
There was an empty Supreme Court seat, and Susan Sarandon helped hand it to Trump.
You know, and we're still in Afghanistan, too.
Thank you, Susan.
This is real.
Well, I love this.
Miguel Arazia says they rigged a primary and then blame the ones they screwed over for the loss of an election that should have been easily won.
If Biden ends up being the nominee and loses, they'll still blame Bernie and Russia.
People like Tandon just play stupid on purpose.
That's exactly right.
Thank you.
I mean, Niratandin's being so hypocritical, you think she's getting ready to run for office or something.
Am I right?
She goes, I agree.
This is Nira Tandon.
She goes, one, I agree.
Too much money is wasted on TV ads.
Really?
Then why did you advise Hillary Clinton to spend all her money on fucking TV ads, right?
Number two, you can choose to relitigate 2016 primary for the rest of time, but I spend energy fighting Trump.
By fighting Trump, I think, by, well, here's how she fights Trump, by retweeting anybody who says something mean about Donald Trump.
That's it.
And by attacking progressives her entire fucking life.
That's how she's fighting Donald Trump.
And let me just say, I love how she goes, you can choose to relitigate the 2016 primary.
What the fuck?
You've been relitigating the 2016 general every day of your life since you lost to Donald Trump.
And of course you don't want to rehash the primary because you fucking cheated Bernie Sanders, which is why Debbie Wasserman Schultz had to fucking resign.
*crowd cheers*
And I agree, too much money is wasted on TV ads.
Too much money is also spent on fake progressive think tanks.
I keep waiting for a tweet from Nira Tandon that says the Amazon is on fire.
Thanks, Susan Sarandon.
Here's, listen to this.
People who tell you it's okay to call an Italian man Fredo are the same people who said it was okay.
Do you see how they all protect each other?
Isn't that fucking weird?
She's protecting a CNN anchor.
Isn't that wild?
So it's the same people who said it was okay to throw money at a woman leader and call her a whore.
So that's, I don't know if you remember when Hillary Clinton came to do a $300,000 plate fundraiser in the richest part of Los Angeles, some Bernie supporters lined the road on the way up to the mansion and they threw money at her because that's what she was going to do.
They threw money at her car, at her limousine.
Oh, that's rude.
And people went nuts, like, oh, you're sexist for throwing money at a woman.
The limousine has feelings.
And she ends by saying, and they never think about the energy they take rationalizing and the denigration of others.
So let me just say this.
This is from Paul Bless says this.
He goes, so in one fell swoop, Naratanda defended Chris Cuomo's comparison of being called Fredo, a character in the fucking godfather, to the N-word.
She then rehashed the 2016 Democratic primary and made him a victim of sexism by proxy.
Now that's a difficult needle to thread, but Tandon did it flawlessly.
She's constantly bringing up the primary.
That's what she just did.
What the fuck do you call this?
Throwing money at a woman.
That happened during the primary.
What a hypocritical motherfucker.
And I should have did that joke now.
That hypocritical joke.
Oh, I fucking jumped that joke too quickly.
God damn it.
Can you do it again for me?
No, it's too late.
So they were going nuts.
They're going nuts over Susan Sarandon.
So Susan Sarandon gave a speech in Iowa.
She was introducing Bernie Sanders, and she said something like, well, you know, one of the presidential candidates wasn't a Republican until he was 47.
And people went nuts because she's talking about Elizabeth Warren, right?
And you saw them go nuts over this, right?
Look, so this guy says, bitch appears to snipe at Elizabeth Warren.
Damn.
Who is that guy?
What kind of, he's got a blue check.
I wonder who he is.
Oh, he worked in the Clinton White House.
Sexist Bernie bros.
Isn't that amazing?
In public, he didn't take that tweet down.
He says, bitch appears to snipe at Elizabeth Warren while introducing Bernie Sanders at an Iowa event.
And I love the woke white male feminism of the resistance, folks.
Is it okay to...
Is it okay to use sexist language if I'm supporting a fucking watch this guy?
Here's another.
He says, fuck Susan Sarandon.
Seriously.
Do they wake her out of her cryogenic chamber, which is ageist, whenever a woman starts doing well in the polls?
That got 10,000 likes.
Who was that guy?
Adam Parkhomenko?
Well, he was the political advisor to Hillary Clinton.
There he is.
Fuck Susan Sarandon.
Seriously.
I like how he says seriously.
Seriously.
Seriously.
Aaron Matei then jumped in and he says, did they wake you out of your cryogenic chamber to remind us that you worked on a campaign that lost to Trump full of such sore full of such sore pathetic losers that you're still blaming Susan Sarandon for it?
Instead of attacking her, you should be taking notes on what integrity looks like.
*applaudissements*
It's amazing they blame Susan Sarandon for Trump winning, but they also lost the House and the Senate and a thousand seats statewide and state legislates.
Who do they blame for that?
I'm guessing Molly Ringwald.
They blame the voters.
Yes, that's right.
They're a voter shame.
That's all they have.
Aaron Matei nails him, Buzz Saw Mate, nails them.
And then Adam Parkhamenko comes back and says, given who you work with, I'm surprised you tweet it all.
Oof.
I have no idea.
So Adam goes, Aaron goes, given who you've worked with, the campaign so incompetent and awful that it lost to Donald Trump.
I'm not surprised that you're still blaming everyone else for your own failures.
I believe Aaron just blitz-slapped him.
You mean Fredo slapped him.
You're right.
And that got 1,346 likes over his stupid shit.
What did his thing get?
Oh, 147?
1,000?
Yeah.
the Clinton people are so shitty, they can't even win in their own fucking thread.
So he comes back with, so That's it.
That's all I got.
He couldn't even go with alliteration and say puppet.
Like he couldn't even.
Wouldn't it be nice if all the Clinton sycophants spent more time trying to abolish the electoral college and less time hating on an actress?
But then again, they couldn't even beat Donald Trump, so I don't think they'd make much progress on the Electoral College anyway.
They're incompetent fucking losers.
Hey, we should get that guy who says, fuck Susan Sarandon for our campaign.
I bet he knows a thing or two about winning people over.
So here's Niratandon again.
She goes after Nina Turner.
So she says, thanks, Nina Turner, for reminding people that you voted for Jill Stein in 2016.
So did I. You and Susan Sarandon both.
The two most powerful people in America, Jill Stein and Susan Sarandon.
You didn't vote for the person who could beat Trump.
You helped him by voting third party in a swing state.
Really?
Hillary took the swing state so seriously, she didn't even bother going to fucking half of them.
And here's Nina Turner responding.
She goes, you don't know who the hell I voted for.
Don't bring it here, Niratandon.
You don't want to do this dance.
It's because of mean, hateful neoliberals like you that we have Trump in the White House.
Own your shit.
Don't ever come for me.
I only had one mama and she's dead.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah!
Boy, Nina really owned her.
Too bad Nira Tandon can't just shut Nina out of Twitter like it's the DNC or something.
Am I right?
So how does Nira Tandon know who everybody voted for, by the way?
Did she get all those hack voting records from Russia or something?
That's my question.
She asked.
We said no.
It's amazing.
You can't vote third.
You can't vote your conscience.
You can't vote for it.
If you want to vote for who you want to, you have to move to California because that's solid blue state, right?
Or just fall in love during the primary.
Okay, I just want to say this.
I just have to share this story.
We were at the People's Summit, and I met Nina Turner.
And I was really excited about it.
And I went up to her and she was selling her book, and it was a lovely book.
I gave it to a friend, and I read it, and it's a great book.
And so I turned to her and she was signing the book, and I said, hey, I'm Jimmy Dorr's wife.
And she goes, oh, Jimmy Dore.
Jimmy Dore.
He says things that I want to say but I can't.
And she sure says a lot.
Yeah.
So you're welcome.
And so after Nina Turner took her down like that, that's pretty hard.
Soledad O'Brien, do you know who Soledad O'Brien is?
What happened to her, right?
When she was on CNN, she got fired because she actually did hold their feet to the fire.
And now the last couple years, she's just off the, well, here she goes.
So she retweets Nina Turner and she says, this seems calm and rational.
What the fuck?
Well, so Soledad jumping to the defense of master gaslighter Nira, who along with her circle of trolls, spent the last three years punching left and viciously attacking.
So now when Nina finally addresses it, they try to paint Nina as irrational.
This is the behavior of abusers.
So I don't know.
Maybe Soledad O'Brien's an adult child of an alcoholic and that's why she acts like this.
It seems like it.
She seems like she definitely needs a meeting because there's something broken in her brain if she's doing shit like that.
You know what, Jimmy?
I would actually call Neera's behavior vicious and ludicrous.
It's just me.
Yeah, I would too.
You mean the same word she called me?
Yep.
Yeah, I know.
So someone says, maybe try standing up for the black woman being mass bullied online for three years.
Try that.
And then look up the history of the donut resistance on Twitter.
Yes, thank you.
What is the donut resistance?
So when they exiled Nina Turner and a bunch of other progressives out of the DNC meeting and they were trying to get in, they gave them donuts.
Like they gave them donuts and Nina Turner was like, I don't want your donut.
So then they started using that on Twitter.
So yeah, it's a mockery.
Okay, I got it.
one of the oldest bullying tricks, wait for a person who's been insulted, prodded, and provoked into responding with any level of emotion, and then shame them for their tone.
Remember how Nara, Skippy, and Robbie Mook got together after losing a $1.5 billion campaign to a Cheeto and came up with a plan to blame racism in a whole other country for their shortcuts for the next three years?
Yeah, that sounds totally sane, right?
Right, Soledad?
That sounds sane.
Does that sound sane to you, Soledad?
And it got worse.
here is the editor for Daily Code, one of the editors for Daily Coast, his name is Armando.
He goes, you're so fucking stupid, which means Bernie is fucking stupid.
This is the editor at Daily Coast.
This is right out in public.
This is why Hillary Clinton lost, because that's who these people are.
They're disgusting, unlikable motherfuckers.
That's why they lost an election.
They're the worst people.
And they'd all stab each other in the back for a fucking better job.
That's why these people are scum of the earth.
They're not even loyal to each other.
They're loyal to a fucking corporatist warmonger because they're too embarrassed that they fucking suck so hard.
That's what's going on.
It's like, it's almost like they're the deplorables.
Look, I don't want to nitpick, but if you're going to call somebody fucking stupid twice, you should spell it right both times.
Just saying, you should maybe get that one right.
It's not that hard.
Yeah, so she called Trump voters deplorables.
They should just call the Hillary voters the unlikables.
The unlikables.
Armando goes, you're the stupidest person in politics.
It's fucking amazing how stupid you are.
These are grown-ups.
These are writers.
He goes, uh-huh, Bernie is finished.
You are finished.
Sarandon is finished.
What's funny is stupid ass Bernie is paying you to fuck him.
Did you see that, Ron?
No, I didn't see that.
That's real.
He took that one down.
He took that one down.
He's a reasonable guy.
So Soledad, still, it's the Nina Turner, who's the fucking maniac, who's not calm.
That's still her, but this is the shit that people like her have to take every day.
And then when they respond, Soledad O'Brien gaslights them, bullies them, and then abuses them like a fucking alcoholic does.
That's who Soledad O'Brien is, and I hope you stay off TV for the rest of your fucking life, Soledad.
And you got broken when you were a kid, and you should go to therapy and find out what fucking happened to you.
So this guy says to Soledad O'Brien, this is from a long time ago.
He said, women should rule the world.
He's replying to a tweet of Soledad O'Brien.
He says, women should rule the world.
Men have been screwing it up for 6,000 years.
Okay, right?
So then Soled O'Brien goes, I guess we can all move past the women are just too emotional thing.
Oh, except when it's Nina Turner.
Then you fucking tell her she doesn't seem calm enough.
Oh, maybe you're just a fucking piece of shit hypocrite.
You ever think of that, Soledad, who pushes an establishment line because you're trying to get back on TV?
That's right.
So Susan Sharandin one time tweeted out a picture of her at a baseball game.
She goes, my partner in crime and I calling the game as the sun sets over the field of dreams.
Seems pretty ignocuous, right?
So then Soledad O'Brien retweeted it and said, Ick, I'm going to have to block this account.
Wow, that seems really calm and rational.
Again, Soledad, get some fucking help, right?
Get some help.
How many has she?
I'm going to guess she's been in.
Anyway.
I don't like it when environmental actresses are having fun.
I need to block this.
soul dead O'Brien.
O'Brien!
I like that.
Soul dead, O'Brien.
Here's my favorite Deborah Messing.
This is from this month.
Hey, Susan Sarandon, how are you like?
This is three years fucking later.
Not one tweet from her.
Hey, why don't we get it rid of the Electoral College?
Hey, why don't we do ranked choice voting?
Hey, why don't we get money out of politics?
Hey, why don't we have a better fucking candidate?
Hey, why do we try to screw over the working class and then get surprised when they don't vote for us?
Thank you.
No, because Deborah Messing is also an emotional child and it's easy to do a knee-jerk reaction at another actress who has more talent and awards than you do than it is to actually do introspection.
Susan Sarandon's out winning Academy Awards and doing fucking movies that'll last a lifetime while Deborah Messing is doing one of the shittiest fucking TV series I've ever seen.
Susan Saranon has been arrested multiple times at the front lines protesting issues like family separation.
She's hosted Syrian refugee students in her home.
She stands up and speaks off for what she believes in.
You don't have to agree with her.
show up like she does But of course Deborah Messing never did a fucking thing for another person in her whole life unless it had something coming back to her.
That's who she is.
Hey, if Susan Sarandon had enough power to swing an election, you'd think people would be nicer to her and try to persuade her to throw it their way in 2020.
but of course this is transparent scapegoating by a poor people of poor character too cowardly to actually confront the powerful And there's a million fucking reasons why Hillary Clinton lost that election.
Susan Sarandon ain't one of them, okay?
You know what the real reason is?
Because Barack Obama's neoliberal policies that were like fucking Ronald Reagan's, the people who were his natural consistency would not come out and vote for Hillary Clinton.
Here it is.
People in minority communities, the New York Times went to a barbershop in Milwaukee, and there it is.
They don't, many in Milwaukee neighborhood didn't vote and don't regret it.
And guess what?
People who voted for Obama twice refused to vote for Hillary in minority communities.
This is a failing of the party, the campaign, and eight years of corporatism from Obama.
Of course, Deborah Messing won't dare talk about the actual fucking problem.
Whoa.
I mean, in fairness, though, you can't blame the Clinton campaign for that.
Wisconsin's one of the places she took really seriously.
Here's Crystal Ball.
Crystal Ball got fired from MSNBC or let go because she told the truth about Hillary Clinton.
And now, here she is, she says, trying so hard not to comment on the level of denial, insanity, and delusion it takes to blame Trump on Susan Sarandon, as opposed to decisions like, I don't know, not campaigning in Michigan.
Damn, I guess I just commented on it.
Isn't it interesting that we want to blame the Russians for hacking our election, but no one is talking about the felony crimes that Hillary and the DNC committed when they stole the primary from Bernie Sanders?
Isn't that something?
Thank you.
The biggest election fraud in the history of our country, and all they talk about is Susan Sarandon and Jill Stein.
What fucking cowards.
What fucking cowards, man.
Oh, that's Mitt Romney on the phone.
I wonder if he's going to try to pass himself off as a Maverick again.
Hello?
Hi, Sport.
I'm calling because I want your audience to know that I am not an establishment Republican.
Okay, but why do you want us to know that?
Just in case President Trump makes the world explode and all you socialist pansies come knocking at my door for vengeance, leave my car elevator alone and stay away from all my creepy family pictures, especially ones they took at Bain Capital, where we're all in togas passing C notes to each other with our lips.
Hey, you know there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written, that's right, it was written by Frank Connoff, Jim Earl, Ron Placone, Steph Semerano, and Mark Van Landowick.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
That's it for this week.
you be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out.
Do not, do not, do not.
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