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May 30, 2019 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:04:36
20190530_TJDS_20190530_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hey, Jim Boa, Trick Perry.
How you doing?
It's great, buddy.
How are things inside the Trump administration?
Oh, they're going great, man.
My office is huge and full of awesome frame posters of Eagles.
And I finally started sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria.
There's a Trump administration cafeteria.
Oh, yeah.
Today was Pizza Day, but the pizza is so greasy that you have to pat it down with napkins before you eat it.
At least I do.
Mike Pompeo just slurps it down as is.
I'm like, what the fuck, dude?
I see.
What do you guys talk about at the cafeteria?
Oh, we just sort of gossip about what's going on, the haps and whatnot.
Today, for example, we were talking about UFOs.
Oh, really?
Yeah, have you heard about these UFOs that the Navy pilots have been seeing?
The Pentagon has launched an investigation.
You know, that sort of thing's been happening for years, Rick, but so far no aliens have appeared on our planet.
That you know of.
You don't know.
You don't know if they're here or not.
Okay, fine.
Fair enough.
Plus, I got the scoop, dog.
Is that so?
Yeah, since I'm head of energy, I got to be part of a classified briefing by the military.
So I know what they know.
Really?
What do they know?
You promise not to tell?
Yeah, I promise not to tell.
Because I get in real trouble, dude.
I'm not kidding.
I promise, Rick.
Okay.
They don't know what they are.
Oh, that's disappointing.
A contra, monument, it's appointing.
Because when people don't have an explanation for some phenomenon, that gives us the opportunity to insert whatever explanation we see fit that bolsters our individual worldview.
It's the only intellectually responsible thing to do.
Well, Rick, what do you think they are?
I think they're aliens.
Why?
Because what else would they be?
I don't know, Rick.
I don't have an explanation.
I'm not an expert in physics or whatever.
Well, then that means they're aliens, at least in this conversation.
I think they've come to teach us.
Teach us what, Rick?
I don't know.
Maybe some kind of super math?
Teach us to be better people.
Show us how to fuck shit up with just our minds.
Maybe they just want to watch Detective Pikachu, and they have to get close to Earth in order to rip it from the internet.
Either way, I hope they're Christian.
Rick, how could they be Christian if they're from another planet?
Well, they could have heard about him, dummy.
And if they're not, what a great opportunity to convert them to the good news.
Save their souls.
That's something maybe I could be in charge of.
Rick Perry, apostle to the aliens.
Yeah.
Hey, Rick, what if they have their own Jesus and they want to convert us to him?
Then we'll blow those fuckers out of the damn sky.
That's what.
They better not try.
Oh, shit.
What if they're space Muslims?
Okay, now I'm getting pissed off.
Some skinny bug-eyed triangle head in a turban.
Man, I'm getting hotter than an armadillo's ass right now.
Rick.
This is why we need Space Force.
I'm going to make a formal report to Pompeo about this.
This potential conversion slash space attack from Alpha Centauri is a real threat and needs to be dealt with by this administration.
Thanks for snapping me out of my kumbaya trance, Jimmy.
I needed this.
No, no, no problem, Rick.
God damn it.
I just remember tomorrow is baked cod day.
This week sucks.
It's the Jimmy Door Show.
The show for people that are safe.
It's hard to talk to you, Kali.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Door.
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's Jimmy Dore show.
Guess what?
Jimmy Door show is going to Hawaii and St. Louis and Baltimore.
Those are three dates at it.
This week, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for tickets for all our shows.
Maybe we're coming to your town soon.
And we're coming to New York City, Brooklyn, August 13th and 14th.
All those links at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Hey, I don't know if you heard, but Mount Everest just reached a record death toll of 10 climbers this season.
You know, I'm no expert, but maybe letting tourists hike in a place called the Death Zone has something to do with it.
Hey, did you hear Robert Mueller announce that he was resigning as special counsel?
He said he wanted to spend more quality time being a useless waste with his family.
Ah, more Memorial Day was this past week, Memorial Day, huh?
You know, candidate Joe Biden honored the war dead by going nowhere and doing nothing.
Not unlike the greatest generation might have done on Omaha Beach had they had universal name recognition.
You know, something just doesn't feel right.
The United States, I mean, come on, why haven't we started another war this week?
Am I right?
Hey, did you hear earlier this week, Ivanka Trump won an Internet Freedom Award?
Yes.
Yes.
You know, giving Ivanka Trump an internet freedom, that'd be like giving, I don't know, Jenna Bush a peace prize.
Did you hear NASA announce that if you send in your name before the end of September, this is true, their next space mission will carry your name on the next Mars landing.
Yeah.
Only in America could you have a better chance of getting seen on Mars than in a doctor's office?
You know, I'm old-fashioned, but maybe we shouldn't plan on living on Mars until we figured out how to hold a legitimate election.
Am I right?
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
Alyssa Milano lets us know what's the dumbest way to oppose Trump possible.
Chuck Todd completely self-owns when he tries to report on Julian Assange.
Plus, Trump's arms deals with Saudi Arabia reveals hypocrisy going back about 40 years.
Are banks terrified of a new credit card-less world invented By China, plus why the Assange prosecution is complete and utter bullshit.
Plus, phone calls today from Bernie Sanders, Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, and Ricky Bobby Perry, Secretary of Energy, call in, plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Oh, Jeb Bush is on the line.
Hello.
Crisis averted.
Do not worry about a thing, America.
Everything is under control.
Jimmy, are you sheltering in place?
Did you check in safe on Facebook?
Jeb, what's this all about, buddy?
Oh, come on.
You know what I'm talking about.
Stop with a kibbutzing.
I really don't.
I really don't know what you're talking about.
Dad's airport.
You didn't hear?
Your dad had an airport?
Come on.
George Bush International Airport.
Don't tell me you never heard of it, wise guy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You mean the Houston airport?
Fuck yeah.
Jeez are you, Tom?
I mean, no.
George Bush Intercontinental Airport.
Stop it, will you?
I can take a joke because Whirl's the next guy, but sometimes you just go way too far with your humors.
Well, what happened, Jeb?
A water line broke and they had to close most all the bathrooms.
Jeepers.
What a mess, right?
I never heard about it.
You know, good old Bill Begley, he's dad's airport spokesman.
Well, he said Terminal D wasn't affected, though.
So that's the good news, right?
Really?
Yeah, because Terminal D has a backup water tank system.
Bill said that, so it's true.
Jeb, are you all right?
No.
laughter What's the matter?
Geo gosh, darn gosh, nobody notices me anymore or cares about what I do anymore.
It's like a Rick Perry.
But isn't the U.S. Postal Service going to issue a forever stamp honoring your father?
I mean, that's good, right?
Yeah, right.
I won't even get to be at the ceremony.
Really?
Well, then, who will?
Pierce Bush.
Pierce Bush.
I know, right?
What Bush is he anyway?
I've never even heard of this asshole.
I think he's your nephew.
I think he's going to run for Congress in your dad's old district.
What?
Oh, geez.
Why?
I could have been president.
This is so unfair.
Hey, Jimmy, what if I do a stamp for mom?
I hope it's not the licking kind, right?
Hello?
I can hear you breathing.
Stop playing games.
Hello.
Oh, all right.
I'm going to go and eat worms, and then you'll be sorry.
I hope everybody knows that the outrage over Donald Trump is mostly manufactured because they're not outraged at the stuff they should be outraged at.
And they like to be outraged at his tweets and what have you.
And the fact is that Donald Trump couldn't be doing the stuff he's doing if the precedent wasn't already set by who?
By decades of neoliberal administrations, Democrat and Republican.
So, for instance, there's a story, and the story is that weapons worth $8 billion are headed to the Middle East over Congress's objections.
Well, let's just get to that story real fast.
So, here it is.
It's in politico.
Weapons worth $8 billion are headed to the Middle East over Congress's objections.
But that had to be a nightmare for that editor who does the headlines to figure out, okay, Congress has two S's and we have to do a possession apostrophe with the, is it?
So, weapons worth $8 billion headed to Middle East over Congress's objection.
So, the Trump administration on Friday notified Congress it plans to sell $8.1 billion worth of weapons to Saudi Arabia, Jordan, and the United Arab Emirates without congressional approval, a move that has incensed members from both parties who have sought to cut off military aid for Saudi-led coalition fighting Iranian-backed rebels in Yemen.
The decision covers 22 pending transfers of munitions, aircraft parts, and other supplies.
And you ready for this?
What is it for?
To, quote, deter Iranian aggression.
Iranian aggression.
I don't know.
We have about a thousand military bases surrounding their country.
You tell me who's being aggressive.
We invaded the country next to them, turned into a failed state, killed hundreds of thousands of people on a lie, ordered torture to cover it up.
Then we did it to another country right next door to them called Libya.
We keep doing it over there.
And then we're doing it in Syria.
But it's the Iranian aggression we have to worry about, not the Saudi-led Wahhabism that they're exporting all around the Middle East.
So they're going to deter this.
These sales are to deter Iranian aggression and build partner self-defense capacity, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said in a statement.
So I know a lot of people voted for Trump because he said he was going to be an anti-interventionist and he was going to stand up to Saudi Arabia and get the hell out of the Middle East.
And now he's just showing you that he's just like all the rest.
So how you feel when you hear this story as a Trump voter, that's what a Trump feels like.
And that's what I felt like after I voted for Barack Obama.
So we have that in common.
We have that feeling.
We thought we voted for one thing and we got another.
And that's exactly what Trump is.
You thought you voted for a guy who was a tough, a straight talker who wanted to get us out of the Middle East.
He's a big bullshitter who's doing the it's change on the outside, continuity on the inside.
Change on the, just like with Barack Obama, right?
Change on the outside, continuity.
Hey, we got a black guy with a Muslim name who took Bush's wars and did them all on his timetable and then gave us, took us from two to seven wars, made the Bush tax cuts permanent, didn't prosecute anybody for the war, didn't prosecute anybody for the crime, didn't prosecute anyone from Wall Street, kicked everybody out of their houses.
Change on the outside, continuity on the inside.
And that's exactly what this is.
This isn't anything different.
Trump's not doing anything different.
The sales, so if you didn't like Barack Obama, then you probably don't like Donald Trump unless you're doing mental gymnastics.
And if you like Barack Obama and you don't like Donald Trump over this, you are doing mental gymnastics.
These sales will support our allies, enhance Middle East stability, and help these nations to deter and defend themselves from the Islamic Republic of Iran.
That's what the Trump Pompeo said.
That's what Pompeo said.
So you happy now you voted for Trump?
Getting more Middle East wars spread by Saudi Arabia.
Normally, such sales are subject to congressional approval, but Trump is using a loophole in the Arms Export Control Act that allows him to bypass the process in case of an emergency.
So it's an emergency that we have to sell these arms to Saudi Arabia so they can go kill some more people in Yemen.
That's what this is.
But it's an emergency that they kill those people.
The emergency is the human rights disaster that's happening in Yemen and at our behest.
That's what's the emergency that we're causing.
Yeah.
The move is similar to Trump's declaration of a border emergency this year, which allowed him to divert military funds to pay for the border barriers.
Trump recently vetoed legislation.
Listen to this.
Trump vetoed legislation that would have restricted American support for the Saudi-led coalition in Yemen.
Trump's like, fuck, we're not stopping our warmongering.
No way.
Change on the outside, continuity on the inside.
He's just like George Bush.
He's just like Barack Obama.
He's just like him.
Isn't that something?
Every bomb sold to Saudi Arabia is another bomb for Saudi bomber jets to drop on Yemeni hospitals, weddings, markets, and school buses.
Representative Roe Conna of California, an outspoken opponent of America's involvement in Yemen, said in a statement, well, good for Roquanna.
So good for RoCanna.
Boy, if he wasn't a Democrat, he could really fucking make a mark.
But he is handcuffed inside that party.
But good job, Roque, for getting it right and saying the right thing.
So let's go back to the.
So here is Elizabeth Warren came out.
Now she's running for president.
And she says, Congress voted to tell real Donald Trump to end the United States' complicity in Yemen's outgoing humanitarian crisis.
His response: veto the resolution, then declare a fake emergency to keep selling weapons the Saudis will use to kill more civilians.
It's revolting to suggest, this is Elizabeth Warren speaking.
It's revolting to suggest that we need to help the Saudis kill civilians in order to stand up to Iran.
First of all, it's revolting that you think we need to stand up to Iran.
We already overthrew, you know, the reason why they have Ayatollah's running their country?
Because we overthrew their democratically elected government to begin with and installed a strong-armed dictator called the Shah.
That's what we did.
So why do we have to stand up to Iran?
Which country has the most Jewish temples in it besides outside of Israel in the Middle East?
Which country do you think?
It's Iran.
Isn't that something?
Jews live peacefully in Iran, no problem.
Isn't that something?
So she says, she says it's revolting to suggest that we need to help the Saudis kill civilians in order to stand up to Iran.
Our only emergency is a president who cares more about making money for his defense contractor buddies than the Democratic will of Congress or the moral catastrophe in Yemen.
Well, someone beat me to it.
Someone said to her, if you feel that way, then why did you vote to increase Trump's military budget?
I'm waiting for an answer.
There will never be an answer for this.
Why?
Because she's in the pocket of the military industrial complex.
She's an original Republican.
That's hard for them to shake.
That's hard for them to shake.
I know people who are former Republicans, their knee-jerk in foreign policy is interventionism.
It's revolting, she says.
It's revolting.
Really?
It's a president who cares more about making money for his defense contractor buddies than the Democratic will of Congress or the moral content.
Then why do you keep voting to give him more money for the defense?
For bombs and war.
This guy who only cares about making money for his defense contractor buddies.
Why do you keep voting to give him the money to give to his defense contractor buddies?
It's because Elizabeth Ward is a little bit full of shit.
That's why.
And she reminds you every day what you hate about politicians.
She's got some good progressive ideas, but she is a reminder of what people hate about politicians.
Her fucking duplicitousness, her fucking hypocrisy that is blatant, her bullshit, her lack of courage to stand up for actual American Indians or Native Americans at Standing Rock, her silence on supporting Bernie Sanders.
She's not a courageous leader.
She's not a courageous leader.
She likes the spotlight like everybody does.
And she's got some good ideas that she's got to fuck a lot of horrible ones too.
And I don't think she's, well, she's not the, she's not what America needs.
She's a pretender.
She's more of the same.
She's a pretender.
And let's remember: Barack Obama administration arms sales offers to Saudi top $115 billion.
There he is.
Barack Obama's arms sales to Saudi $115 billion.
And here is from a, it's called ammo.com.
Look at this headline.
It says, an inconvenient truth, how the Obama administration became Earth's largest arms dealer.
Earths.
But we can't afford healthcare for everyone.
We can't afford health care for whatever you want.
And she's upset.
She's upset at him trying to help his defense contractors.
Didn't say a goddamn word about Barack Obama.
You know, Barack Obama ran out of bombs in Syria.
They dropped so many bombs, the Air Force literally ran out of bombs.
Now who's patting the checkbooks or the bank accounts of the defense contractors?
Who's doing that?
Oh, and Barack Obama did it.
You were silent.
You're moot.
So that's the thing that I really can't stand about Elizabeth Warren.
She's so bad at this.
Maybe she doesn't care.
She's not going for my vote, just like Hillary Clinton.
Because anybody with two eyes and a breath can see through this bullshit.
There was a time you were supposed to say something, Elizabeth.
Now it's good too, but you're not the person.
This just drives me nuts.
This drives me nuts.
Then why did you vote to give him more money?
The guy you say he's a Russian, the guy you say he's a traitor, the guy you say he's working for Vladimir Putin.
Hey, here's some $80 billion more dollars.
Go do some whatever you want with it.
You're the commander-in-chief.
Hey, that traitor guy, we just decided to give him 80 billion more dollars.
Now who's putting money into the checkbooks of defense contractors?
Elizabeth Warren?
So that, to me, that's the real story.
We've always sold arms to Saudi Arabia.
Now Elizabeth Warren pretends it's different.
Holy F. And so, you know, the silver lining of Trump is that people are now awake to the bullshit our government's doing.
They weren't before.
People didn't know Barack Obama built cages and put immigrants in it.
People didn't know that.
People didn't know Barack Obama was bombing the shit out of Muslim countries, which is why there are refugees at our airports.
People didn't know that.
They just know Trump banned the refugees.
Then they're like, well, why are there refugees at the airport?
Oh, I guess because Barack Obama bombed them.
that's right.
You know, Oh, it's revolting to suggest that we need to help the Saudis, Jim.
Oh, don't get me started at Minnesota, the banksters.
So, you know, I'm sitting here, obviously, you know, we just were reflecting on Memorial Day on Monday.
And I didn't think when I was growing up that my country would be constantly talking about war.
I had no idea.
I thought, you know, we were supposed to learn from Vietnam.
I thought we were supposed to learn from each of these wars that we were participating in that we would not do any war.
How many more wars do we have to be involved in this century alone?
No kidding.
Well, at least two more.
Iran and Venezuela, I guess.
At least two more.
So I'm mostly depressed.
You know, so you have this, you know, Elizabeth Warren is talking about, you know, oh my God, how awful Trump is.
And she's supporting every initiative that Trump wants.
I don't.
What is she against?
She keeps.
She certainly is not against war.
The New York Times, there's a writer there named Maggie Haberman.
Maggie Haberman has been revealed.
Well, she wrote an article defending Hope Hicks.
And because she's going to have to maybe testify against the president.
She was employed by the president.
And a lot of people came down on Maggie for that article.
A lot of people on the left.
And Maggie, she's compromised, like most of the journalists are.
She wrote that article.
People attacked her from the left or people critiqued her from the left, to put it that way.
And then Jonathan Chait, I don't know if you know who that is.
He's another horrible, horrible writer and gainfully employed by the New York Times.
He got the Iraq war wrong as loud as anybody could possibly get it wrong.
That's what Jonathan Chade is.
And he wrote a book about what a great president Barack Obama was.
So you know who Jonathan Chate is, okay?
So he wrote an article defending Maggie Haberman.
Could you pick a worse guy to defend you?
So Jennifer Palmieri, who used to be a Clinton campaign staffer, she was, I believe, their communications director.
I'll double check that.
So here's the article is, of course, Trump hates Maggie Haberman, but why does the left?
The weird resistance campaign against the toughest and best White House reporter ever.
Okay.
So Jennifer Palmieri, who is a Clinton campaign staffer, says, Lord knows I've had beefs with the New York Times, but Maggie Haberman is one of the best, most perceptive, thorough journalists I've ever, ever worked with.
Glad someone with her talent is at New York Times to cover this deeply troubling time in American politics.
Okay, well, I just want to let you know, as Glenn Greenwald pointed out, Hillary Clinton's longtime top advisor and press aide heaps praise on Maggie Haberman.
Irony of all this controversy is that a secret 2016 Clinton campaign memo identified Haberman as a friendly journalist who could be counted on to tee up stories.
And do you want to see where it is?
So it says, this is on the internal Clinton document.
It says, earned media and the next steps, January 2015.
Placing a story.
So this is interesting because it shows us a little peek behind the curtain of how campaigns, political campaigns, use the media and manipulate them and ultimately to manipulate you because you think it's coming straight from the news media, but it's not.
It's actually a planted story, which is what this is called, placing a story.
So if you read the first paragraph, it says, as discussed on our call, we are all in agreement that the time is right.
Place a story with a friendly journalist in the coming days that positions us a little more transparently while achieving the above goals.
So there was a whole bunch of goals up there on the top of the story.
I'm not going to show you.
And then underneath it says, who?
Well, who should we place the story with?
Well, for something like this, especially in the absence of us teasing things out to others, we feel that it's important to go with what is safe and what has worked in the past and to a publication that will reach industry people for recruitment purposes.
And then here we are here.
Watch this.
We have a very good relation, have, has a very good relationship with Maggie Haberman of Politico.
That's when she was with Political.
Now she's with the New York Times of Political over the last year.
We have had her tee up stories for us and have never been disappointed.
Never been disappointed.
While we should have a larger conversation in the near future about a broader strategy for re-engaging the beat press that covers Hillary, for this week, we think we can achieve our objective and do the most shaping by going to Maggie.
So that's who Maggie is.
It's interesting, too, a little bit more of a peek behind.
They show you how they're going to set this story up.
It's kind of, I didn't know they went into this much of a detail to plant a story, but here it is.
I'll read this to you what it means.
It says, or what it says.
It says, mechanically, the story will have three basic components.
First, a list of names that we agree upon beforehand that we will give to a reporter on background.
So we're all going to agree.
Here's some names to give to reporter if he wants to check on this story.
Also, both policy people and campaign people.
Second, some information provided on background that explains what is happening and why.
And third, a quote on the record that affirms all of this as an official capacity, in an official capacity, making clear that this is a sanctioned story.
So they're figuring out how they want this story to appear and how they want it to be written.
They just figured it out.
They wanted to, we're going to have to get a quote from someone on the record inside the campaign.
Check, make it sure it's a sanctioned story.
We got to give some, we got to pick out who we want these other reporters going to for information on this story.
We got to pick those people.
And here's some of the people they picked.
For policy, let's go with Joe Stiglitz and Paul Volcker.
More names available if and when it's helpful.
And we should revisit it if how to give people a heads up if before.
And then from the campaign, we could have them contact John or Joel and Robbie.
They're already out there.
How about Teddy Goffer?
How about Wendy Clark?
It's kind of amazing how they act.
Steph, isn't that kind of amazing how deep they go into it?
I didn't know.
They're going to manipulate us.
So, by the way, here's that story that they wrote about in called The Intelligencer by Jonathan Chate.
Of course, Trump hates Maggie Hayman, but why there's a left?
Okay.
And it's just a bullshit article.
It's nothing.
That's all pretend about how Maggie Haberman's great.
So I just want to put, oh, one more thing to remember.
Amy Vanderpool tweeted this out.
She says, a reminder that Maggie Haberman's mom, Nancy, is an executive vice president at Rubenstein PR.
Why is that a big deal that her mom has a job at a PR agency and Maggie Haberman is the White House reporter for the New York Times?
Why is that a big deal?
Well, that firm, Rubenstein PR firm that her mom works for, has represented Fred Trump, Donald Trump, and Charles Kushner.
So Donald Trump's PR person is the mother of the reporter the New York Times put on Donald Trump.
And as Cat Dam says, reason number 72, why I canceled my subscription to the New York Times.
So that's the shit they don't tell you.
That's the stuff they don't.
And I just, and guess who else doesn't tell you that?
Jennifer Palmieri doesn't tell you that.
And she doesn't tell you about that.
This.
She doesn't tell you that.
We always went to Maggie.
I've had my prop, but Maggie's the best.
Why?
Because she always does the planted stories we need exactly like we need them to be done.
That's a classic, classic Clinton, classic sociopath, classic sociopath, Jennifer Palmieri, classic.
She's the one who said, hey, just because there's 700,000 people marching against Trump doesn't mean we should go $15 minimum wage.
That's what she said.
That's her.
It just goes to show you the incestuous nature of corruption in our culture.
We only have six companies that own all of these, all of our news outlets, all of our everything, six companies.
So that means billionaires run our news.
And that also means billionaires run our politicians.
As the Cambridge study revealed, we don't have a say in what legislation gets done.
Only the top 10% of wage earners have a say or their feelings or their desires get reflected in legislation.
Ours never gets reflected.
Isn't that interesting?
Whose does the billionaires?
Who are those billionaires?
The guy who also own the New York Times, The Washington Post, MSNBC, CNN.
And who works for them?
Well, Jennifer Palmieri works for them.
So does Maggie Haberman.
So does Donald Trump.
So there you go.
So, Jimmy, where am I supposed to get my news?
It's one big capitalist gangbang, and you're not invited.
As George Carlin said, it's a big club and you ain't in it.
Isn't that interesting?
I think it's very interesting.
And it's just more reason why politicians and their mouthpieces like Jennifer Palmieri, who fucking drove this country off the cliff, her and the Clintons and the neoliberals and Joe Biden and Bill Clinton deregulated Wall Street, exploded the prison population, gutted welfare, did all that stuff at the same time.
They did Iraq, Libya, kick people out of their houses, made the banks bigger, opened the Arctic up drilling twice, put fracking pipes all over this goddamn country.
That's her.
That's her.
She's the moral superior to no one.
Jennifer Palmieri, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama.
They are the moral superior to no one.
And there you go.
And there's her mom.
And there's her mom.
Donald Trump's PR person.
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So Joe Biden is making as few campaign appearances as he can.
Have you noticed that?
Yeah, I think they figured out the more he campaigns, the less people like him.
But Bernie's been ramping it up.
He's everywhere.
So I'm going to see if we can get him on the phone.
Hey, Bernie, where are you today?
Hopefully in your worst nightmare, if you ever bother me again, don't you know I'm busy.
Yeah, that's why I called.
Where are you today?
Bend, Oregon.
Gateway to Yoncala, just west of Drayton.
Population, a guy named Red.
He likes to whittle.
Give us an idea what your schedule is like coming up.
Well, aside from wasting my time on this crap, I'm in Montpelier, Vermont.
Warner, Laconia, Rollinsford, Concord, Londonberry, and Manchester, New Hampshire.
Reno, Henderson, and Las Vegas, Nevada.
And of course, Cucamanga.
Wow.
Yeah, that's just a Tuesday.
What are you doing in Cucamanga?
In Cucamonga, I will be using the word unacceptable a lot in a lot of sentences containing Cucamanga.
For instance, it is simply unacceptable in Cucamanga that such and such happens.
You get my dress.
When do you find time to rest, buddy?
I'm sleeping right now.
You know, Joe Biden's campaign manager said he doesn't have to make a lot of appearances because he already has great name recognition.
I like Joe Biden.
Joe was a friend of mine, but his niece stole $100,000 from a drugstore and got off with probation and community service.
If my niece did that, you people would be all over me like flies on Lou Dobbs' shit.
But Joe Biden says he's a progressive.
Look, I like Joe Biden, but his niece hit a New York cop and got off with anger management class.
If my niece hit a cop, you would accuse me of being a Kremlin agent.
I wouldn't.
You know me, I wouldn't do that, Bernie.
But are there any journalists you trust?
Of course.
I think Clark Kent does a fantastic job.
Though his boss, Perry White, can be a bit of a pain.
Joe Biden says his 1994 crime bill didn't cause our prison population to double.
Look, I like Joe Biden.
Joe is a friend of mine, but he doesn't know how to hold his fork correctly, and he coughs all over your food at the dinner table.
All right, but Biden says he's always been at the forefront of fighting climate change.
Look, I like Joe Biden.
Joe's a friend of mine.
I'm pretty sure he killed a hitchhiker in Texas to experience what he calls kicks.
True story.
How do you feel about Biden appropriating your talking points on various issues?
Look, I like Joe Biden.
Joe is a friend of mine.
He wraps his car up in the mornings when it's cold.
And you don't have to do that with these new aluminum engine heads they have nowadays.
I don't do that.
Fundamental difference there.
Where are you appearing today?
As far away from you as possible.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to argue with Spectrum about my last cable bill.
God damn it, I did not order that Dimitri Martin special.
Now, Chuck Todd is the dumbest guy in news.
I'm just going to say it.
Some people say Don Lemon.
It's not.
It's Chuck Todd.
He is the dumbest guy in news.
And that's why NBC has him as their lead news guy.
Do you think they would hire a good news guy to be their lead guy?
They hire a fucking corporate tool.
They hired William Hurt in Broadcast News.
That's who Chuck Todd is.
And watch Chuck Todd.
Watch how he covers the Julian Assange thing.
This is kind of amazing.
You tell me if you see a contradiction.
Welcome back.
Tonight, I'm obsessed with reading between the lines.
And I have a serious problem with what I'm seeing.
On Thursday, the federal government indicted WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange on 17 counts of violating the Espionage Act.
And among them, he's accused of, quote, disseminating classified materials.
Disseminating classified materials.
The DOJ clearly believes that's espionage.
But in this case, it's not.
It's journalism.
And you know.
What?
He got it right.
The DOJ says that espionage, but it's not in this case.
It's journalism.
So he gets it.
And in fact, he even makes a comparison to Daniel Ellsberg.
Watch this.
So the Supreme Court in 1971, when it ruled that both the New York Times and the Washington Post could publish the then-classified Pentagon papers.
Wow.
So I'm like, oh my God, there must have been a directive from the head of NBC News saying it's okay to tell the truth about Julian Assange for some reason.
And I think it's because Donald Trump is the one doing it.
So this is their way they can oppose Trump.
But watch this.
Watch this.
This is where what's between the lines gets really ugly.
Because this indictment seems to put journalism itself in the crosshairs, and it looks like it's been done on purpose.
Because if we accept that Assange is a journalist, then this indictment becomes a full frontal assault on the First Amendment.
And we as journalists have no choice but to defend him on those counts in order to defend ourselves and our institution.
But Julian Assange is a hacker, not a journalist.
So you're the hack, Chuck.
So that's a hack.
You're a hack, Chuck.
Julian Assange is a journalist.
That's why he wins awards.
And that's why you get a paycheck from the military-industrial complex.
Do you see the difference?
Julian Assange actually tells the truth about war.
That's not a hack.
You're a hack.
You're getting those.
He started out at the beginning saying this is journalism, and then he ends by saying he's a hacker.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
You just contradicted yourself within 60 seconds.
And you did it with a smug look on your face that only a true dumb guy has.
Chuck Todd, I'm willing to say, dumber than me.
And is the Department of Justice trying to make it seem like he was acting in some sort of journalistic enterprise?
Maybe it's because they believe it's a just cause, or maybe it's because they're trying to use a controversial figure to smear journalists in journalism as a malignancy, or to force us to take WikiLeaks more seriously as a journalistic enterprise for something that happened in 2016.
The enemy of my people, to quote someone in particular.
I know what I see when I read between the lines.
How about you?
What do you see?
You don't even make sense.
What you just said makes no sense.
Well, because you said first, you said he's just doing journalism, just like the Washington Post did with the Pentagon Papers.
Except he's not a journalist.
He's a hacker.
So he doesn't deserve.
Like, talk about twisting yourself in knots.
Like, whoever was the intern who wrote this or the producer who wrote this for him to read, which is what he's doing.
He's reading this off a teleprompter.
He didn't write it.
He's a fucking idiot.
Someone wrote this for him and he's reading it.
It doesn't even make sense.
Does that even make sense what he said?
I think, and then he was like, they're trying to say Julian's a journalist so that he can attack all journalists.
So now.
So if you say Lula Samson is a journalist, then you can attack all journalism because we're going to get smeared by association with journalism, but him being, but he's not.
He's a hacker.
Well, you just said he did journalism.
And by the way, I pointed out, it doesn't matter.
There is no special protection under the First Amendment for journalists.
The First Amendment protects everybody.
There's no special carve-out.
You have to prove you're a journalist because nobody gets a license to be a journalist, just like nobody gets a license to be a fucking comedian or a musician.
You just go do it.
That's why I can do journalism better than CNN and certainly better than this fucking tool.
Because you don't need to have a certification to do journalism.
That's why they wrote the First Amendment.
It protects everybody.
And that's why Chuck Todd doesn't even know what the First Amendment is.
He doesn't even know what journalism is.
And of course, that's the guy Andy Lack picked to be the head of the face of NBC News.
Of course, that's the tool the military industrial complex pick to be the face of NBC News.
Of course, this is the guy who doesn't even understand what journalism is.
He doesn't even understand what the fuck he's talking about.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, Jimmy, just before you move that, I just want to say that is a perfect image of smugglerant.
Yes, this is smugglerant.
But he also made, he also revealed why he's doing this ridiculous convoluted dance.
He goes, because then it's legitimizing WikiLeaks for something they publish in 2016.
Anyway, like, oh, yes, then you would be shown for the real frauds that you are because you backed Hillary Clinton.
You went after Bernie Sanders.
The Pied Piper, it all points to you as being part of that.
So now you are really not.
You're not a journalist, Chuck Todd.
Of course he's not a journalist.
By the way, he's a propagandist.
He's not a journalist.
SNL is in lockstep with MSNBC.
And that's why he's saying that.
And they called him.
They called Julian Assange, according to one of our top chats.
SNL sucks.
They said they're like the Daily Show.
He was a troll.
SNL sucks so bad.
They're the ones who had Trump on during the campaign.
Do you remember that?
SNL brought Trump on during the campaign for ratings.
They're the biggest pieces of shit.
SNL, such a fucking, what a waste.
Of course, it's on NBC.
Of course, they're going to suck.
And of course, they're not radical.
They're not anti-establishment.
They are the boat.
That's why SNL doesn't rock the boat.
They're the fucking boat.
That's why the Daily Show, what a waste telling me that it's okay to be corrupt in the United States.
It's okay for Barack Obama to take money from Wall Street.
What?
That's crazy.
You got a guy who knows less about America than anybody else in America to come tell us about American politics?
Of course they chose that guy.
And he's a decent comedian.
He doesn't know shit about America or American politics or how it works or why.
He doesn't even understand the influences of what's writing the shit that he's reading off his own teleprompter.
He doesn't even know what the fuck he's talking about.
Well, this is the thing.
The corporate media doesn't just own the news.
They own all of the entertainment industry.
So it's not a coincidence that comedians that aren't, that are neoliberal, that aren't really willing to talk about the things that you talk about, that I talk about, that we all talk about.
That's why there's a handful of actual progressive comedians.
And we all have to do shows in our garages or our one-bedroom apartments or whatever, because they're not going to allow us to say this.
We're not going to get hired by NBC or Comedy Central.
No one's going to give us jobs to say this.
We have to.
And if you're going to do late night TV on the networks, you can make fun of Trump's hair and this, that, and the other.
That's so over the top.
Wow.
Pushing the envelope there.
Man, you can be literally Stephen Colbert and push CIA talking points when Tulsi Gabbard is on your show.
Which is what he did.
Which is what he did.
Because the media controls the message of everything.
That's right.
You think, I mean, you see billboards fly by you on a bus that are, oh, Russia, Russia.
They are getting, they know how to plant the seeds on every layer of society to get everybody into this group thing.
That's how they do it.
And it's so you watch.
So, so Julian Assan gets arrested and they do a, oh, he's a bond villain.
That's the first sketch they did on the Saturday after he got arrested.
That was Saturday Night Live's first sketch.
This is the cutting edge.
So immediately they're planning he's a villain.
So anyone's like, I don't really pay that much attention.
Oh, he must be that villain guy.
Isn't he one of those Russian guys?
That's just what they do.
They just plant the seeds and it's all bullshit.
From Chuck Todd to those morons at NBC that do SNL, which are all Ivy League kids.
Yes, they're all from freaking Harvard.
Oh, yeah.
You know what?
I hear Ivy League kids are really funny.
If you want to see.
That's what I hear.
I mean, that's why Conan's show is so funny.
Who fucking watches that show?
Who watches that show?
And now he's wearing a jean jacket to, I guess, to connect with the kid.
He wearing a jean jacket at a tie every night.
Instead of a suit coat, he wears a jean jacket and a tie.
And he still comes out and people cheer for five minutes like as if something's happening.
He's just a mediocre guy who doesn't have much comedy talent standing on a stage wearing a jean jacket and people can't stop screaming for fucking three minutes.
And you know what?
Your show's his show is only 20 minutes long, 22 minutes long now.
And he spends at least two or three minutes people screaming every night.
It's like you don't have, you wouldn't rather put content in there.
You'd rather stand there while people fucking scream for no reason.
That is, I don't know.
This is such a pet peeve of mine.
I know it doesn't matter to anybody else.
It's my own pet peeve.
I just want to go back to, we were talking about Stephen Colbert.
And when he had the Colbert report, we were crazy about it.
It was the best.
It was one of the best.
It was so dynamic.
And I couldn't understand, you know, his talent about being able to stay in character and ask those hard-hitting questions with other conservative, you know, with conservatives across the table.
It was fascinating.
And what did they do?
This guy who was really kicking it out, knocking it out of the ballpark.
Then he's now diluted and went to the dark side.
And he became the character he used to play.
Yes.
He became the guy pushing those talking points instead of the guy making fun of someone pushing those talking points.
He's just the guy pushing those talking points now.
That's who Stephen Colbert became.
It's disgusting.
And I remember when they had that rally, right?
All those people showed up.
Set for Sanity by him and John Stewart.
And really what that said, thanks for reminding me what the name of it was.
What that was really about?
Hey, everybody, keep it cool.
Don't go crazy.
That really was what that rally turned out to be.
They didn't want us to become revolutionary.
They didn't want us to have a bunch of people coming together for Medicare for all, coming together for a government that represents the people, coming together to fuck the banks who stole.
Yes.
That was a rally for nothing.
Jon Stewart had a rally for absolutely fucking nothing.
That was by design.
Yes.
Because you remember when Jon Stewart took over the Daily Show, right?
And they were doing some really great, hard-hitting stuff.
And I remember seeing regular journalists going, they did a survey back in 2001 or two or something like that.
That young people are getting their news from the Daily Show.
And the journalists were like, this is an outrage.
And I was like, no, your news sucks so bad that they have to go to a comedian.
That's right.
So then what did they do?
Oh, Jon Stewart has way too much influence.
We better dial that shit back.
Buy him up.
Get him quiet.
Get a milquetoast idiot in there.
Have him have some bullshit rally.
That's what they have done.
So that rally was supposed to be his moment to expose the system.
Yes.
And he was supposed to say, you know, this is the real problem.
And this is what we have to do.
And instead, what he did was, we just need to let each other in and traffic more.
Remember that?
He was like, well, that's everybody.
We got to just got to be nicer to each other.
You what?
What?
That's your.
Even Bill Maher was disgusted.
That's how fucked it fucked up it was.
Even Bill Maher made fun of him.
He's like, hey, if you're going to have a rally, make it about something.
That was Bill Barr's critique.
So just let me just about Chuck Todd.
Here's what, just to remind you, this is what a real journalist says.
This is Glenn Greenwald.
He says, when you see professional media figures decreeing that Julian Assange is not a journalist, compare how much corruption and criminality by the world's most powerful factions that they've exposed in their work to how much Assange has exposed.
The contrast will tell you all you need to know.
So just look at what Chuck Todd has exposed and what Julian Assange is exposed.
Also, the question is, is Julian Assange a journalist as though it's a credentialed license status like being a doctor or a lawyer?
It's deceitful when they say that.
That's what he's saying.
It's deceitful.
It is deceitful for Chuck Todd to go, oh, he's not a journalist.
It's about the First Amendment.
Journalists don't have any special protections.
The First Amendment press freedom protects an activity available to everyone, not just a designated priesthood called journalists.
And Chuck Todd doesn't understand that.
Why?
Because he's the dumbest guy on television doing the news.
And that's why he was chosen because he doesn't understand this.
If he understood this, he wouldn't have been chosen.
Do you get that?
Do you get that Chuck Todd and Rachel Maddow and Chris Hayes?
They're chosen.
And sometimes they choose Wrong.
They chose Phil Donahue, and then he told the truth about the Iraq war, and they had to fire him.
And they chose Ed Schultz, and he told the truth about Bernie Sanders, so they had to fire him.
So that happens sometimes.
But most of the time, they hire a guy like Chris Hayes.
They tell him, don't say anything nice about Bernie Sanders.
And he says, okay.
So I just wanted to show you, again, one more time.
It's from the Washington Post to talk about, just to rebut Chuck Todd's ridiculousness that Julian Assange is a hacker and not a journalist.
Until now, the Justice Department distinguished between government employees who leak classified information and outlets that publish it.
Until now, the Obama administration also reportedly considered bringing charges against Assange, but ultimately Obama's Justice Department decided prosecuting publishers or leaked information would be a bridge too far.
That was the right decision.
Although the Espionage Act does not require a line between leaker and publisher, the First Amendment is interpreted by the courts does.
So I just wanted to show you that again, just to show you how wrong Chuck Todd is.
But it's weird.
He got it right in the first half of his report, and then he completely contradicted his own self.
Isn't that weird?
That's the kind of mental gymnastics a hack like Todd Chuck Todd does without even thinking twice about it.
That wild.
Hey, you know what sucks is that the banks control our money, which means that the people we're actually producing a show to expose and fight against control the way we get our money, right?
So they control credit cards.
So the way you give people money is through credit cards.
That's all controlled by banks.
So that's why when I used to go to medical marijuana stores when they first opened up in Los Angeles, they couldn't take credit cards.
Why?
Because the banks wouldn't process their transactions.
Nope, sorry.
I don't like your business.
That's what the banks said.
I don't like that.
Like the banks have a moral, they have some kind of moral center.
The banks are the moral superior to no one, including Hitler, Pol Pot, and Edi Amin.
How about that?
So the banks have a stranglehold on us, and they also control our government, right?
So they have a stranglehold on our legislators that legislate in their favor against us, right?
Which is why you can never get rid of your credit card debt now and you can never get rid of student loan debt now.
And you can never, you know, all that stuff.
And they can charge you anything they want as far as 35% cap on interest.
Hey, thanks for putting a cap on it.
35%.
So get this.
I saw this is from Bloomberg News.
It says U.S. banks are terrified of Chinese payment apps.
Yeah, there's so the Chinese.
So there's this guy who runs now.
I'm blanking on his name.
His last name is Ma.
It might be Joe Ma, something like that.
It's not.
Jack, I think it's Jack Ma.
Wow, yes.
Thank you.
Jack Ma, who runs Alibaba, which is the Amazon of Asia.
And so now they're coming out with a way to go around the banks.
Are you ready for this?
Watch this.
Here's a video from Bloomberg.
In China, people use mobile services owned by Alibaba and Tencent to do almost everything.
They chat, shop, send money to each other, and even make purchases in physical stores.
And the country is becoming cashless.
So here's the scary thing for American finance executives.
The banks never get a cut.
In fact, many Chinese don't even have bank accounts.
China is among the growing number of countries showing that payments can happen cheaply and easily without banks or credit cards.
In contrast, U.S. consumers still rely on banks for most of their purchases.
Even mobile payments made through apps like Apple Pay, Uber, or Venmo are tied to users' cards or bank accounts.
That all adds up to a feast of fees for many of the companies that handle and process payments.
For a typical $100 credit card purchase in the U.S., $97.25 goes to the merchant, and the rest is split between issuing banks, payment processors, the merchants' bank, and card networks.
Those small slices add up to billions of dollars for banks every year.
If apps were to grab market share in the U.S. at roughly the same rate as they have in China, banks would lose a projected $43 billion in revenue from one of their most profitable businesses.
And that's not the end of it.
Banks also generate revenue by dispensing cash and administering checking accounts.
If payment apps were to replace paper money and offer alternatives to regular bank accounts, as they increasingly have in China, other sources of income could take a hit.
Checking accounts alone generate $3 billion in bank fees in the U.S. Whether you have access to a bank or not, being able to make or receive payments through your phone is an obvious advantage, as Alipay and WeChat have demonstrated in China.
And that's the challenge facing traditional banks as the evolution of mobile payment systems gains momentum.
In China.
So what do you think of that, Steph?
Okay, so immediately what I think is, oh my God, when's that going to happen here?
Because didn't it make you think about how Wells Fargo opened all those phony accounts and how much money they made?
And that everybody who got fired, the 5,000 schlebs who were doing that, they got fired.
Which is not their managers who told them.
Yeah.
I think it was Sloan was the CEO at the time.
So what appears to have happened is that Alibaba just became their own bank.
So now a guy like Jeff Bezos is worth $200 billion.
He can open up several banks, right?
A big bank is considered a $50 billion bank.
Really?
Yeah.
So he could open up, he's got enough money to open up at least four huge banks himself with his own money.
Not even his company's money or investors' money or nothing.
So I like that idea.
I like this idea.
The problem is I think that, so now if Amazon does it, now Jeff Bezos will control our money.
Then he'll be able to cut me off.
That's my fear.
Now, I don't know if that's, I don't know.
You know, again, I'm not a, what do you call a banking surgeon?
But this, from, from the information that I'm able to get, it, I, I don't, yeah, I, I've thought about there's people doing, that's what Bitcoin's all about.
People trying to go around the banks and people trying to go around the people who control our economy and our lives.
Um, uh, I, I, it, are we going, is it six of one, half a dozen of another?
Have you heard that saying before?
It means that so now Amazon will, or now the, the Alibaba and that other company will, we're going to bypass banks.
You even need a checking account.
Just my money's right here.
And it's like, well, is that a distinction without a difference now?
Because we certainly, we, we know the banks are evil, but I also know Amazon is evil.
I don't know about Alibaba, but I know corporations are amoral, meaning that their only goal is to increase profits and it doesn't matter what they do to get there.
I immediately go to the direction of what if for some reason everything goes down.
Like I can't access my technology.
You know, so how am I supposed to be able to purchase things if something goes wrong with technology?
Well, you can't anyway right now.
I mean, if something, if something goes down, your credit cards don't work.
Right?
Yeah.
You know, I don't, I don't even, I have physical checks somewhere, but they would still need to be electronically processed at the bank.
Yeah, so we're certainly dependent on, and all this is going to take, I think, is a madman to go, hey, I have all your satellites targeted and I could shut down all your banking.
You know, that certainly sounds plausible for a science fiction movie.
The new Dr. Evil.
Okay, there you go.
So doesn't this mean it's just inevitable?
I didn't know, like, Chinese, a lot of people don't even have bank accounts in China.
Like, I didn't know that.
So I think it would be good because then we'd have an option.
At least there's another option.
So if someone like Amazon and another company does that in the United States, I think that would be good because it would provide another option.
You know, right now, just like for creators like myself, PayPal and Patreon can shut us down if they feel like we're not being good citizens, if they feel like we said something offensive.
Not even on our own thing.
We have somewhere else.
So we act, it's weird that the government does the controls, but we have billionaires control us who also control the government.
Do you see how that getting these distinctions without differences?
You know, when Jeff Bezos controls the government with Jeff Bezos and a handful of other billionaires control the government, which they do, then what's the, there's no difference between them controlling me or the government controlling me.
They're both doing it and they're both the same.
Okay, there you go.
I look forward to Amazon doing my banking.
Yo, did you see me on close-up?
I said things on close-up.
It's a big show there.
Close-up.
The CU.
I never heard of it.
What network?
WMUR.
Only the biggest station in the state of New Hampshire.
It's the only station in New Hampshire.
Yeah, but it's on VHF.
You know what that stands for?
Yes.
It stands for I'm going to kick your ass.
Guess what I said on the close-up?
I dare Democrats to impeach Donald Trump.
You hear that?
I dare you to impeach Trump.
I dare you all.
Come on and beat you.
Go ahead, do it.
I'll make him like I'm poking you with a stick now.
You know, I'm not too hot on that idea, really.
How about if I double dare you?
Chicken?
Is that it?
Little chicken can and peach.
Is that what you are?
An impeached chicken?
Guess what?
What?
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Connoff, Jim Earl, Ron Placone, Steph Semerano, and Mark Van Landowick.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
That's it for this week.
you be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out.
Do not, do not, do not.
Do not freak.
Do not freak.
Do not freak out.
Don't bring out.
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