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May 16, 2019 - Jimmy Dore Show
59:06
20190516_TJDS_20190516_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
What a nice surprise.
Former Speaker of the House, John Boehner, is on the phone.
Hey, John.
Who loves their Boehner Kush?
Huh?
Who loves their Boehner-Kush?
Come in for a prescription today and leave with the most blissful and relaxed high in the universe.
But hell no to Universal Healthcare.
Hell no.
Did you really say this about Mitch McConnell in Time Magazine that Mitch McConnell shows a mastery of parliamentary procedure and our nation is blessed by his service and the wisdom he brings to high office?
Did you really say that about Mitch McConnell?
I don't know.
Refresh my memory.
My short term's not too good lately due to the Boehner-Kush effect.
But you recently said you never even tried pot.
That's right.
I never tried pot.
Pot tried me.
Wow.
What?
Hello?
Oh, as you know, last April I joined the board of Acreage Holdings.
Anchorage Holdings, if we got the acreage, you know, we're holding.
You see, part of my paradigm shift was driven by conversations with veterans who have turned to the magic herb to ease their suffering from chronic pain and post-traumatic stress disorder.
I see.
So now you understand how Pot can elevate consciousness and promote wellness.
And make me a buttload of cash, Nash.
All right.
I see you're still.
I see you're still struggling to reconcile the old Boehner with the new Boehner, huh?
Boehner is conflicted.
Boehner not know what to do.
Boehner confused.
Hell no.
By the way, I still believe our country can overcome division.
Oh, and John Kasich is a big asshole.
I said that on the Chuck Todd podcast.
So Chuck Todd said you were a doer with all your straight talking, but what did you ever get done, John?
I obstructed Barack Obama at every turn.
And that was pretty pointless considering how he used to cave faster than a West Virginia coal mine.
But that's all of the past now, and though I am not stoned.
Why?
Because half a split is for wimps, bro.
So why?
So why do you think that John Kasich is an a-hole?
He thinks he could primary Donald Trump, but nobody can primarily that a-hole.
Why?
Because 38% of Americans are a-holes, and they'll support Trump no matter what.
So you got to be a real a-hole to try to primary that a-hole.
It's the a-hole factor.
That's going to be my podcast, the A-Hole Factor.
I'll say things on the A-Hole Factor.
You can't say on the Todcast.
What a joke the Todd cast.
Who is Todd trying to fool with the Todcast?
The only reason I said I'd go on is because he's got a big bowl of Bennies in the green room.
Bennies?
Oh, yeah, baby.
Todd's a primo speed freak.
Just grab a mouthful and ride the wave, knave.
Wow, Benny's.
You call speed Benny's.
That's amazing.
That must be from another century.
Chuck Todd was very flattering in your introduction.
He said, quote, you're one of the ones who tells the truth straight to the people.
A blunt talker.
That's what Chuck Todd said about you.
Oh, yeah, I'm a blunt talker.
Know why?
Why?
Because I spend most of my time talking about blunts.
Is it that brazenly hypocritical after supporting the war on drugs all these years?
Hell no.
Namaste.
Namaste.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
Thanks to everybody who made it out to a live sold-out show in Tempe, Arizona at the improv for a live Jimmy Door show on Mother's Day.
That was a blast.
We'll be dropping those clips.
Maybe you'll hear some of that in this show today.
Our next live Jimmy Dore show, June 5th, that's a Wednesday in Hermosa Beach, California at the Hermosa Beach Comedy and Magic Club.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for all tickets to all our live shows.
June 5th with Abby Martin from Empire Files will be on that show.
Now let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Hey, did you hear there's a new study?
A new study says American fossil fuel subsidies now exceed what we spend on war.
That's funny.
I always thought war was a fossil fuel subsidy.
Am I right?
Come on, baby.
Hey, this just ended.
The news media is now pregnant with two big fat wars in the oven.
We're going to have twins, everybody.
Twins.
In a related story, Civilization just advised America to abort Alabama out of concern for the health of its mother earth.
A six-week abortion ban in Georgia, a total abortion ban in Alabama.
I don't know about you, but this Democratic primary, I really want another moderate who will reach across the aisle and give more hand jobs to these people.
And you know, if Boy Scouts and Catholic altar boys could get pregnant, abortion would be as common as the merit badge for attendance.
Hey, did you know that Beto O'Rourke has live streamed?
Now he just did another live stream.
He live streamed from a dentist appointment, and now he just live streamed a haircut.
I say he should live stream his platform while he's taking a dump.
At least that would be poetic and accurate.
Hey, May 4th marked the 50th anniversary of the Kent State murders.
The Kent State shooting, right?
They were protesting the Vietnam War, and then the military showed up and shot him.
May 4th marked the 50th anniversary of the shootings at Kent State.
And Kent State, guess what?
They're having a CIA veteran chair the Kent State May 4th Commemoration Advisory Committee.
Whew, I can't wait until 20 years from now when they have an Iraq war protest memorial sponsored by Halliburton.
And the keynote speech goes to Dick Chady.
Hey, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, they say that the United States birth rate fell to a 32-year low in 2018 in what they called a record hump slump.
The last time the birth rate was this low was in 1986 after President Reagan referred to his wife as mommy.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
Joe Biden does tell people that he wants to head to the middle ground on climate change.
Joe Biden declares himself the most progressive candidate in the race.
Bernie Sanders responds, the answer just may surprise you.
Or will it?
Alyssa Milano is a millionaire who says that no one wants progressive policies more than her and that we should all stop having sex because of the abortion ban in Alabama.
Plus, the political director for the Justice Democrats pledges his support for Joe Biden two years ahead of time.
Plus, we got phone calls today from John Boehner, Bernie Sanders, Chuck Schumer, Joe Biden, and a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
I'd like to, you know, I'm going to give Bernie Sanders a call because he has released his tax returns and nobody's talking about it anymore.
Hello?
Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick.
No, I am not satisfied with my current phone service.
And if I were, I wouldn't admit it.
Thank you and goodbye.
No, Bernie, it's Jimmy Door.
I just want to ask you something.
Jimmy who?
Door.
Sore?
Door.
Jimmy Soar.
Well, whoever you are, get the hell off my party line.
I was in the process of scolding some slub from ATT, and you interrupt me.
Fine.
Fuck me with a Stucky Specan Log.
No, Senator Sanders, this is Jimmy Door.
Okay, I lied.
I knew exactly who you were all the time.
I just want to ask you about your tax returns, buddy.
Oh, for God's sake, make it quick.
I'll have you know you're interrupting my relaxation time, gouging out all the eyes on my Ronald Reagan dartboards.
Where's the spoon?
Great communicator.
My ass.
Hey, how come the press only focuses on potentially bad stories about you, do you think, Bernie?
Look, a bald eagle could land on my shoulder and fart the national anthem, and they wouldn't notice.
Yeah, I know, but the Democrats spent weeks speculating about your taxes, and now that you released them, nothing.
Speaking of my taxes, I'm going to list this call on Schedule C as a fucking write-off.
Look, I have a message for the Democratic Party establishment.
The revolution is coming.
Oh, and don't touch the drapes.
Use the cord.
It's better that way.
Use the cord?
Yes.
And I want to make this very clear.
If you use the cord, you won't leave unsightly smudge marks on the fabric.
We must come to terms with that if we are to progress as a nation and become a participant in the international arena and not merely an adjutant.
All right.
But what do drapes have to do with foreign policy, Bernie?
The same thing my fist has to do with your face.
Next question.
How do you respond to those who say Adam Schiff is the face of the Democratic Party?
Adam Schiff is a close friend of mine who has voted for every increase to the defense budget over the course of his career.
I, as you know, have not.
So?
If you want the face of the Democratic Party to be Hans Moleman, then he's your goddamn winner.
I can't help that.
Okay.
I thought you swore you were going to run on an issue-based campaign and not get personal, buddy.
I understand that fully.
But he's not running for president, and he looks like Hans Moleman.
That's an issue for me.
As soon as he backs Medicare for all, I might change my opinion.
Until then, he's just another gilded pimple on the backs of the proletariat.
Can I hang up now?
I have real work to do.
Ingrid, I'm personally leading a march on Antarctica to put the Ross Ice Shelf back on the shelf.
It is simply unacceptable that the top 1% of ICE floats above the water while the bottom 99% remain below the surface.
So here's Joe Biden, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, you know, Joe Biden had a big problem with being too handsy with people, so he decided to attack it like this.
By the way, he gave me permission to touch it.
And he looks thrown about it.
What the fuck?
Isn't that what John Wayne Gacy says?
What are you doing?
What do you do?
Hey, how about you leave a kid out of your political bullshit?
How about that?
How about you leave a 10-year-old out of it?
By the way, he's 10 and he can't give consent, you fucking creeper.
He's 10.
So many 10-year-old kids have the wherewithal to say no to a former vice president that's surrounded by Secret Service guys with fucking guns.
Yeah, it's the kids' fault.
Maybe he should buy a fucking video game system with all of his extra money.
You godless cocksucker Joe Biden.
Go fuck yourself!
*applause*
Just a point of order.
Graham, I am supposed to be the angry guy on the panel.
And I feel like you're stealing some of my angry thunder.
I'm sorry.
I drove here with Ron Placone, who's a fantastic man from my one-bedroom rent control department because these motherfuckers stole my home, so I'm a little fucking pissed off when I hear assholes getting fucking out.
I'm going to vote for these fucking godless dipshits that would skull fuck a puppy if it turned a nickel.
I'm sorry, I haven't done yoga in two days, Jimmy.
That's my show.
You're still doing it.
This is not how this is supposed to go.
I'm going to do yoga right now.
Could you take down the doctor, please?
Manifested.
Yeah, look, that's nice.
There you go.
That's nice.
Oh, show vote.
Hold it for 10.
One.
Graham, it looks like when you started that, it looked like you were getting ready to get fucked in the ass by the bags.
That's what it looks like to be out of.
Well, I asked for permission.
You know what?
I'm starting to get fucking mad, too.
This is fun, guys.
Come on, Ron.
Try it.
So, Joe Biden, that's who he is.
This is who John.
By the way, he gave me permission to touch him.
Okay, just could you imagine there's a point in your life where you say that on stage with a fucking who's writing your speeches?
Louis C.K. I always ask first.
I always ask first.
Right?
That'd be insane.
Nobody fucking does this, right?
Nobody.
Oh, you're doing Louis C.K. Did you just do Louis C.K.?
Yes.
Well, we'll just talk about jerking off for the rest of the show.
How about that?
That's what the show is now.
Just me, Louis C.K. talking about jerking off in front of people.
Right?
He's not playing here, is he?
I made a video giant mistake.
He's not playing here, but he's always playing somewhere.
Yeah, the Joe Biden fundraiser.
Yeah, if he did write Joe Biden's speech, it'll end with Joe Biden going, I'm sorry if any of you looked up to me.
I'm sorry about that.
So Joe Biden actually, well, here's, I don't know what this is.
Let's play it.
I don't know what it is.
Find the most progressive record of anybody in my information.
Anybody who would run.
So he said he has the most progressive record of anybody running or would run.
All right, first of all, I am going to get fucking angry here when I hear things like this from that fucking empty suit corporate tool.
Fuck him.
I'm starting to get angry now, too.
For real.
But I suppose most progressive.
Jesus Christ.
But unfortunately, for Joe Biden, you know, Mr. Morality, Mr. the anti-Trump, a videotape just surfaced from him from 2006 when he was raising money to run in 2008.
And we want to hear some of it.
So I've showed you before that it was Bill Clinton who started demonizing Mexicans and immigrants.
And I've showed you those videotapes and Hillary Clinton bragging about, I voted for a wall.
We voted for, oh, some places it was a fence, but something.
So I've showed you that.
Well, here's Joe Biden.
And let's watch.
A country that is a turtle democracy where they have the greatest disparities.
And, well, it's one of the wealthiest countries.
So he's talking about Mexico, and he says it's one of the wealthiest countries.
In the hemisphere.
And because of the corrupt system that exists in Mexico, there is a one percent.
He just said because of the corrupt system in Mexico, he goes, there's the 1%.
A very small middle class.
And the rest is absent poverty.
Sounds like fucking America, Joe.
There's this 1%, a very small middle class, and the rest is that smells like fucking America, but he's saying Mexico is corrupt.
Mexico is more corrupt than the United States.
Somehow, Mexico is corrupt.
You know, I would assume that politicians speak in a different style when they're talking to donors.
I just wouldn't have guessed that style would have been Mussolini.
This is like a totally different person.
Well, very good.
Here we go.
This gets way worse.
Has anyone seen this yet, by the way?
It just came out.
Okay, here we go.
I voted for a fence.
I voted for a fence.
I voted in my home like most Democrats.
He voted for a 700-mile fence.
He's fucking screaming it at the top of his lungs.
He's bragging about it.
We need to stop the racist guy who wants to build a wall.
So let's unite behind the racist guy who wants to build a fence.
It gets better.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Joe Biden's private position, by the way.
Is that the name of his late night show?
Let me tell you, we can go stand 40-story high unless they change the idea in Mexico.
And it.
He said we can build a fence 40 miles high, but it's not going to work unless you change the system in Mexico.
You'll not like this.
Indian punished American employers who knowingly violate the law when in fact they hired illegally.
Unless you do those two things, all the rest is window dressing.
I know I'm not supposed to say that one of these, but they're the facts.
They're the facts.
And so everything else we do is in between here.
Everything else we do is at the margin.
The reason why I got started is why I committed the fences needed to not be able to immigration as much as the trouble.
No, I can't hear what the fuck he's saying right here.
Can we just for my own benefit pretend this is like a sales convention that he just walked in and clashed and started yelling at these people?
I remember, whoa, whoa, hey, buddy.
We don't.
This reminds me of my dad screaming about the Continental breakfast.
This fucking sausage is cold.
Nobody wants to hear it, but I'm going to say it.
I don't know if it's national crime, though.
I'm the guy who's master checks.
I'm the guy who wrote the law that set up a drugstore.
So he just bragged about I'm the guy who set up the law that created a drug czar.
That's what he's bragging.
He's progressive.
He's excited about that.
He is excited about that.
See who are driving across that border with tons.
Now listen to what he says here.
He goes, let me tell you something, folks.
They drive across that border with tons.
Tons of what, Joe?
Tons.
Here.
Tons of everything from byproducts to 107 to cocaine to herald.
Wow, there's another guy who says the exact same thing, and his name is Donald Trump.
And that's why he wants to build a border wall 700 miles away.
Well, I'm glad we're going to vote for Joe Biden, who's the exact fucking same thing as Donald Trump, to defeat Donald Trump.
Isn't this, this is, to me, one of the most fucked up things.
There's a little bit more to this, but let's show you.
It's all coming up through corrupt Mexico.
So I've been asked as they say in the southern part of my state, I've got them all, I don't know what it's called, Joe Bush.
I have a little son of war in me.
You think I told you, I'm not joking you know about me.
I've been doing this for a long time.
I've known every single major world leader in every country for the past four years.
And I know a lot of the wealth leaders.
I understand that when they're not all the reasons.
So now he tells a joke, but I can't hear him.
Here comes watch.
Oh, I wish I knew what the fuck he said.
He's in a room full of white people.
I'm sure he said something about putting poor brown people in jail or something.
A lot of white folks is, we've got to level with these folks.
He says we've got to level with these folks.
So that's his big thing, is that I'm a truth teller.
You don't might not want to hear it, but Mexicans are bringing drugs across the border and we need to build a wall.
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me in Mexico that you expect to get the same kind of treatment that we give other democracies.
He said, don't tell me Mexico.
Don't tell me you'd expect the same treatment that we give other democracies.
There you go, act in the Democratic way.
Did he just hit that guy?
Like, what is he doing?
That's what he did for falling asleep.
It's like some guys.
I say, I feel like Biden was just at an all-you-could-drink wedding and the next ballroom over and just fucking stumbles at.
I tell you, some of our fucking fans.
Like, Uncle Joe, come on.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say Joe's never had a piñata at one of his children's birthday parties.
What's funny is the waiter just asked him how he liked the gentilotas.
Anyway, so what he means by a corrupt system in Mexico that allows drugs to come into our country, he means it's corrupt because it can't be overpriced and sold for a huge profit.
That's what he means.
Damn you, Jose, for interfering in our national drug scam.
Mexico is corrupt.
I mean, folks, have you ever noticed how little guacamole Chipotle gives you?
That's fucked up.
And I didn't know that bellhops were forced to wear body cams, but the cops don't have to.
Isn't that weird?
In defense of Joe Biden and his little speech he gave here, he plagiarized it.
So it's there's the guy who's supposed to be the antidote to Trump, sounding exactly like Trump, but just what, 14 years ago?
So just before Trump.
So he was priming the pump for Trump the whole time, just like Hillary Clinton, just like Bill Clinton, and just like Barack Obama.
They were priming the pump for Trump all the time.
And now that we have Trump, they're like, oh, you got to go vote for us because we'll fix everything.
That's not what's going to happen.
And you know, Jimmy, I just really think that the best course for our country would be if Joe Biden ran as a Republican against Donald Trump.
Yes!
Get out of the Democratic Party.
You're not a progressive, Joe.
It's important.
Hey, you want to get rid of Donald Trump?
Run as a Republican and beat him in the primary.
And he would beat him.
He would beat him in the public.
He wouldn't.
By the way, you gave me permission to touch him.
So Bernie actually responded to this.
So here's your.
I'm sure you saw Joe Biden say that he is the most progressive candidate in this race.
What do you think he's going to say, Mike?
All right, he's talking to himself.
All right, don't say fuck.
All right.
We're not supposed to say on television.
Jesus Christ.
But I'll say something diplomatic.
Sort of, you know, it gets to the point where there's a insulting as I would intend to say.
So let's see how I sort of glossed over this fucking moron.
Joe is a good friend of mine.
What did I fucking say?
Friend of mine.
And I'm not here to attack Joe, but here we go.
Joe voted for the war in Iraq.
I led the effort against it.
Joe voted for NAFTA and permanent domestic regulations, trade agreements with China.
I led the effort against that.
Joe voted for the deregulation of Wall Street.
I voted against that.
I think if you look at Joe's record and you look at my record, I don't think there's much question about who's more progressive.
What do you really want to say?
I'm not sure if you notice, first of all, where we're sitting here with this whole piece, but I'm purposely placing myself nowadays where birds might land on me.
I'm trying to get that to be a thing.
So a lot of parks, public squares, pigeons, and what have you.
It worked for me very well last time, so I tried to reinvigorate the bird situation, as it were.
You never know.
A lot of seeds.
You can't see it, but I'm straight sprinkling on me.
Oh, who knows?
What the heck?
Hey, there was my friend.
Anyway, yeah, the guy's a fucking idiot.
Joe Biden's an idiot.
I'm friends with him like the same way you're friends with your boss.
Yeah, we're pals.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show: you become a premium member.
We give you a couple of hours of premium bonus content every week, and it's a great way to help support the show.
You can do it by going to JimmyDoorComedy.com, clicking on join premium.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business, and it's a great way to help put your thumb back in the eye of the bastards.
Thanks for everybody who was already a premium member.
And if you haven't, you're missing out.
We give you lots of bonus content.
Thanks for your support.
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hey, Jimmy, it's Joe Biden.
Wow.
How are you?
I'm fine, Mr. Vice President.
Thanks for asking.
Call me Joe.
How's everybody doing?
You know, Steph and Ron, the whole gang.
We're great, Joe.
Thanks for asking.
Also, you don't know them.
Or how you know.
But what can I do for you, Joe?
Well, I'll tell you what.
I've been trying to reach out to guys like you.
Some of that far-left fringy guys.
Uh-huh.
And try and pull you back into the center.
I'm trying to form a coalition here because I'm telling you, we can beat this guy.
This Donald Trump, this clown.
I said it.
Our president is a clown.
I'm not afraid.
I won't back down.
But I can't do it without you.
Yeah, I appreciate you reaching out, Joe, but we're never going to support you.
Oh, come on.
No.
Please.
No.
Give me a chance.
No.
Okay.
Why?
Why?
Because you publicly giggled about cutting Social Security, because you've voted for the Iraq war, Libya, because you've been a part of every horrible thing that's been wrong with this country for the last 30 years.
Maybe that's why?
Well, when you let a guy have it, you don't mess around.
No, I do not.
There is no more time to mess around.
We don't have time for reaching across the aisle crap anymore, Joe.
Jimmy, I'm a reach across the aisle kind of guy from the working class.
Yeah, that's just another way of saying you don't have any principles, right?
I mean, do you?
I'm evolving on the issue.
Okay.
Well, Jimmy, I appreciate your candor, but I never quit.
And I'm not going to give up on you, pal.
Well, you probably should, Joe.
Well, so who are you liking for 2020?
Oh, we at the show like Tulsi Gabbard.
Oh, man.
What?
Is it her explicit, clear, no war stance?
Is it a little too principled for you, Joe?
Oh, it's just every time I see her, I wonder what that hair smells like.
Oh, brother.
I'm guessing coconut, lavender, the hand of Jasmine.
All right, Joe.
Fresh rain.
All right, goodbye.
It smells like you.
Cut him off.
Cut his mic.
So the Justice Democrats tweeted this out.
Easy.
Joe Biden is out of touch with the center of energy in the Democratic Party today.
That's a pretty mild criticism of Joe Biden.
Right?
That's like, holy shit.
And so then Nate Silver, Nate Silver genius, statisticist, who faceplanted hard in 2016.
Nate Silver says, it's probably worth noting that while this group, Justice Democrats, Calls Biden out of touch with the center of energy in the Democratic Party.
Only 26 of the 79 candidates it endorsed last year won their primaries, and only seven of those went on to win.
You mean an organization that was invented in 2016 by a couple of YouTube jagoffs?
They won 29 primaries.
That's a fing huge success.
And beat incumbents and beat incumbents.
It's impossible.
They knocked off the number three Democrat in the house, you water carrier for the establishment.
What a fing idiot Nate Silver is.
Also, worth noting that at every step, Nate Silver did everything he could to stop all of those candidates.
That's exactly right.
That's exactly.
Well, here's what Kyle Kalinsky, who founded the Justice Democrats, said.
I locked him.
He says we also took.
I know.
We got into a fight because he said you shouldn't punch Nazis.
I don't.
That's a different conversation.
That's a different conversation.
Weak card.
He also says, you're stepping on my bits.
Shut up!
Shut up!
laughter laughter laughter So he says, we also took zero corporate money and got zero press coverage, you flip in full.
Give us equal coverage to corporatists and equal funding.
And watch what happens.
Our politicians are the most followed on social media, the most liked, and it's all in one election cycle.
Your bias is astounding.
I should have got a picture of Nate just to show because nobody combs their hair funnier than Nate.
It's not even combing.
It's not even co-he's doing some kind of circus act with his hair.
You think Trump has bad hair?
Nate Silver has obviously doesn't have a mirror or a shame mechanism in his brain.
Do you have a picture of him?
I wish I had it.
I forgot to put it.
Because his hair, he looks, it's combed forward and it's also balding and it looks like one of the Civil War generals that Lincoln pulled out because he was, we lost a big battle or something.
Well, if you want to know where all his analysis comes from, where his heart and soul is, this is where it's from.
Oh, look, he's owned by ABC, which is also owned by Walt Disney.
He's one of the fucking big capitalist gangbang baby.
And he's their fucking mouthpiece and he's doing their work.
There you go.
That's all it is.
And Disney just bought Fox at Button.
20th Century.
Yes.
Yeah, it's going to come down to just two companies, Amazon and Disney.
I hope it's Amazon that wins.
I just want to point out that we have a very intelligent audience.
Yes, we do.
Nice to have you.
Give yourself the hand.
I want to remind you that with an oligarchy, you still have choice.
You can nitpick about the fact that it's only two or three.
But it's not a dictatorship.
I love what Mike Ravel said about Joe Biden.
He said, Joe Biden is the candidate for people who have such a low opinion of the American people that the only person they pick over an authoritarian moron is a slightly older, slightly nicer authoritarian moron.
Thank you.
Trevell needs to be in the debates.
He has to.
He is turning this into a roast.
Totally.
He absolutely has to be.
He goes, from what I've heard, he's actually pretty nice in person.
Doesn't mean he wouldn't murder or slander anyone he's superficially nice to in order to get its light edge, though.
I love this guy.
Do you remember when he was in the debates with Hillary?
Yes.
But if you go back and watch, he'll say something astoundingly just on point.
And Hillary and Obama.
They laugh at him.
Yes.
He's the only person saying the truth, and they're literally laughing at him while he does it.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, here's the guy.
Here's he's going to show how much character he has.
This is when he was talking about taking campaign finance.
The fortunate thing is I didn't have many larger contributors and the only reason I was ready to prostitute myself and the manner in which I talk about it.
Oh, there's a guy.
Hey, make America moral again.
There you go.
That's going to be a great commercial, though.
I was willing to prosper.
Do you think this guy has a shot in hell of becoming anything?
Are you fucking crazy?
So watch how shitty Fox is.
This is Fox.
They have a video out explaining who's in the lead and who's not.
Watch their metrics.
Are you ready?
First of all, guess who they leave out?
Under a week since he declared.
Who could they leave out?
Tulsi Gabbard.
Who the fuck do they have?
Who the fuck are these people?
That looks like Steve McQueen's uncle.
I don't know who that is.
This looks like Brian Williams' uncle.
I don't know who that is.
That guy.
Oh, no, that's Tim Conway up on the left.
Why is he running?
They got a bunch of people I never heard of, but not Tulsi James.
Jimmy, isn't that?
Brian Williams' uncle over here?
Yes.
The lower left, isn't that the guy from Queens of the Stone Age?
That could be Jake Porter.
Look how sinister he looks.
He looks like a villain.
Look inside.
A lot of these guys look like just the same, like they're named Martin, same guy.
There's our boy.
There he is.
He booted it.
Stepped right out of the West Wing.
So here's the video.
Let's play it.
I don't know who that guy is.
I have no idea either.
That's Walter Sean.
He said it was Tim Conley.
Sean.
Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
Tulsi Gabbard is running ahead of Kristen Gillibrand.
Is she really?
Yes.
She is a major candidate.
She has 60,000, right?
She'll be in the city.
Yeah, she's in the debates.
But now she needs 100 million shows.
What?
No, they changed it?
So watch this horrible video.
Eric, he's running for president.
Joe Biden is already the political establishment's leading candidate.
Our 2020 Democratic endorsement tracker now shows Biden in the lead with 75 points.
He's in the lead with 75 tracker award points, which have the currency value of just below a Chuck E. Cheese token.
So that's who they have decided is most likely.
Those aren't real number two.
Door Booker can't even get like 2% of votes.
But do you see how much they're using as a metrics?
Do you see what they're using?
Corey Booker in second and Kamala Harris, a close third.
Our tracker awards points based on who the endorsement is coming from within the party.
Yeah.
Get ready.
Endorsements from former presidents and vice presidents are worth 10 points, governors 8 points, U.S. Senators 6 points.
What?
What the fuck?
Hey, what about endorsements from former party chairs who had to retire in shame?
Is that worth negative points?
Okay.
When we first launched the tracker on the last day in February, Biden hardly had any endorsements, only from Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York, Senator Dianne Feinstein, and Delaware Senator Thomas Carper.
You know, all the politicians everybody loves.
But then.
But by the eve of his official announcement, he picked up endorsements from Democrats like Stephen Lynch, U.S. Representative from Massachusetts, and Matt Cartwright from Pennsylvania.
One endorser, former DNC chair Ed Rendell, even switched his endorsement from Amy Klobuchar to Biden.
Yes.
Wow.
Oh my God.
Klobuchar must have thrown a casserole across her office.
That's a political move commonly known as the corporatist swap.
Yeah, okay.
I fucked that joke up somehow.
April 22nd.
After Biden announced he was running for president on April 25th, his endorsement shot up to 75 points, catapulting him into the lead.
He received 10 endorsements that day.
So they don't have super delegates, but they're going to act like they have superdelegates by just saying the same thing.
Yes.
So they're still going to do this.
Even though they got rid of the super delegates, they're not supposed to request.
They're fucking just doing it.
Isn't that amazing?
It's almost like they're rigging the polls.
Almost.
It's almost like the people at Fox are full of shit and a part of the fucking establishment.
A poll came out today.
PPP, is that the Daily College one that is anyway?
Hillary Clinton was in fourth place with 6%.
6%.
She's ahead of everybody else except for Betto, Bernie, and Biden.
Hillary's in fourth with those people because everyone's completely sane.
I mean, John Carney?
The funniest possible outcome would be that she runs again.
That would be...
I mean, that's like the Muppet Show.
God would not be that nice to me.
God would not be that nice to them.
Okay.
The governor of Delaware, Alabama Senator Doug Jones.
He's great.
And Pennsylvania Senator Robert P. Hayes Jr.
I love all these guys.
Yeah.
Joe Jones, who barely beat a pedophile.
Yeah, he's great.
He's a good choice.
To immediately stab the black people in the back that voted for him.
Immediately did that.
That couldn't have gone any worse.
I didn't really jack the ripper.
Getting those endorsements from all over the country, which is a rarity thus far.
Because Joe Biden's points are come from across the country, which is a rarity so far.
Yeah, I can't think of another time when all the party insiders decided to go for one candidate.
I bet if there ever was a time that happened, I bet it turned out fine.
So how many points do they have to have to get a magazine subscription?
There's other times they did it too.
They did it for a guy named Gore.
They did it for a guy named Carrie.
Yep.
They did not do it for a guy named Brian Brown.
They did not.
They did it for someone named Hillary Clinton.
So you can see that their record is fucking awesome.
But what they needed in 2008 was they needed someone who sounded like an outsider who wasn't.
And that's why they went with Barack Obama, which is why he was allowed to become president.
Well, at first they didn't, and then they started switching.
Yeah, because they figured out that he was on board with them.
Yeah.
Okay.
Let's compare the top five candidates in our tracker right now.
Elizabeth Warren has 23 points, all of which come from her home state of Massachusetts.
Klobuchar currently has 39 points.
And all of her points came from frightened interns seeking shelter from flying office supplies.
That's true.
The music on this is, I think, what happens when you're being abducted.
The music on this is, I think, what happens when you're being abducted.
All right, I've had enough of this shitty Vox video.
I love that they've got the real, they've got that voiceover voice that's like, here's how we awarded the numbers.
You're just supposed to believe it because it sounds soft.
Like these motherfuckers sat down and were like, how can we come up with an idea that makes it seem like Bernie cannot ever win?
Ever.
And they came up with the craziest point system that makes no fucking sense.
I think it makes perfect sense.
It's like the stress test given by the Church of Scientology.
Okay.
All right.
Wait, great job, Vox.
Way to go.
Yeah, but this is all going to get shaken up because I just don't understand people going to journalism.
Like, I wanted to go into comedy because I like sticking my thumb in the fucking eye of an establishment and regular society and like to throw a spitball.
When you go into journalism, you're supposed to be doing the same thing.
These guys go in there, like, I hope I can do a fucking video that props up the establishment.
I can't wait till I just, everything I write is bullshitting and gaslighting the people who turn to me for information.
That's what Vox.com.
I mean, that's what most journalism is in the United States because they all work for the same six companies.
And people go, well, there's still a lot of good journalism being done.
Yeah, if some of those people who are in the middle of doing their good journalism would stop for five seconds and go, hey, by the way, everything we're doing is fucking bullshit.
And then they could go back to their regular lives.
But they don't.
They never go, hey, by the way, this is all bullshit.
Venezuela, Syria, Libya, Iraq, everything, the way the banks are set up, everything.
By the way, I'm going to go back to covering soccer now, but I just want to let everybody know that everything is fucked up.
But can't you appreciate its efficiency?
There is such beauty in it all coming from one source.
With no moving parts.
Like a singularity.
It is.
It's almost spiritual.
You don't cause first cause.
You know, full disclosure, I'm embarrassed of my voting record.
I don't know if anybody else is.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm embarrassed by your voting record.
Thank you.
You fucking asshole.
All right.
You know, and then I look at somebody, you know, like, all of a sudden, you know, what did Biden, Biden, like, decided to run like on Wednesday, right?
After everybody was like, oh my God, you're touching and sniffing too many people.
He decided to announce it, right?
But how crazy is it?
Really, how crazy is it that Tulsi isn't all over the media?
The one person who's pro-peace, right?
They don't want us to have a good cabinet.
They don't want America to lead.
You're exactly right.
If anybody wins who is anti-war, they will be killed.
Ironically.
They will be killed.
Okay, you know what I see?
I see a room.
I see a room full of people frowning because they don't have a war portfolio.
Poor me.
I'm going to have to work until I die.
Well, you should have planned ahead.
You should have put some money in cluster bombs.
Oh, my God.
I made a killing.
And then made another killing eight years later when a little kid tried to pick it up on a beach.
Again, efficiency, Jim.
We don't bomb beaches.
We bomb inland.
So I just want to show you this real quick.
This is Rachel Maddow.
She's great.
And this is, so after her whole conspiracy theory was proven to be a hoax, she still never apologized.
They just moved the goalposts and watch what she's doing.
But the beauty of what she's doing here is she's talking about how Barr was doing the redactions of the Mueller report by himself, but he wasn't doing them by himself.
Why would you think that?
Well, I don't know why she would think that because she just on the regular misinforms her audience.
But the crawl, they have a little Chiron a crawl underneath her and it betrays her.
Because watch, I'll show you.
This is a thing that Mueller's team does in its sleep.
So if you underneath, it says Barr's special counsel is assisting with redactions.
So the special counsel, meaning Mueller, is assisting Barr with the redactions.
But listen to what she says.
It is hard to believe that they'd leave the newly appointed 68-year-old Attorney General William Barr to himself personally pick through the report to try to figure out.
Your crawl says he's not doing that.
He's not doing it by himself.
Your producer knows you're full of shit.
Your own producer knows you're full of shit.
Isn't that something?
I've had this conversation with Aaron Matei about he goes, yeah, there's good people who work for Rachels and I feel bad for them.
And I'm like, fuck them.
They know what they're doing.
They would be doing a better service to the country if they went to a bar and got drunk every goddamn day.
Instead of fucking doing this, which is gaslighting America and hurting our country.
This isn't the first time this has happened to her.
This isn't?
No, no, no.
I've seen two or three other instances where they do a crawl that completely counters what she's saying at the time.
This is not the first time.
And watch how it changes.
Watch.
They realize.
Can I say something really quickly?
How weird is it that she's upset that he's 68 years old?
No kidding.
What the?
This 68-year-old?
What?
68?
What the fuck is he doing?
He's as old as her buddy Roger Ailes.
And he was her buddy.
And he was her buddy.
Here we go.
So watch how many changes.
What mentions in this 400-page report might pertain to open cases?
They wouldn't leave that to Barr to do that.
Mueller would have done that.
Mueller She would have done that as part of producing.
Did you see that?
And they changed it.
And they changed it to Attorney General Barr sends new letter about the Mueller report to Congress.
So they changed that.
Oh, God, we're contradicting her.
Change it.
Somebody up top saw it and yelled at her.
So that really happens.
So I just wanted to show you that.
That's her own producer contradicting her in real fucking time.
And she's the number one host on Cable Films.
Who wears false eyelashes.
Yeah.
I think that's important.
But this is from 10 years ago.
This is Dylan Radigan, Jenk Uger, and Glenn Greenwald 10 or 9 years ago, almost a decade ago.
And they were lamenting after the 2010 election about voting for the Democrats just because they're Democrats.
And Barack Obama at this point had already revealed himself to be in bed with big pharma health insurance companies and the banks because he didn't break up the banks and they gave us Mick Romney's ACA.
So listen to what they have to say.
How much longer can it be taken?
How much longer can people with an agenda like the sort of things that you advocate for, Jenkin, that you advocate for, Glenn, continue to look to this political structure to do it and this president and this party to do it, Jenny?
At the end of the election, I said, that's it.
I'm done.
End of this, okay?
Now, I was never really one of the guys who supported the White House for the sake of supporting the White House.
In fact, I got a lot of heat for that, right?
Remember?
Because I challenge the government.
And I think that's part of the job of the media.
I know Glenn does as well.
But after the elections, even if you were on that side, really?
I mean, because remember what they told us.
Obama was a genius.
I couldn't possibly understand his genius.
He's playing three-dimensional chess.
What part of three-dimensional chess do you give away your queen, your knight, your bishop, and the House of Representatives?
No, they were wrong.
We were right.
It's time to fight.
Where's the leverage, Glenn?
Well, that's the issue is there hasn't been any leverage because you can complain and object to all sorts of things.
But at the end of the day, politicians know that you're going to give them your undying and unconditional support because the other side is just mildly worse.
what you're doing is you're ensuring that you will be ignored.
So that was...
A decade ago, Jen Yeager was saying, they were wrong.
We were right.
It's time to fight.
A decade ago, and we're still not fucking fighting.
We're still all getting behind.
Well, here we go.
Watch this.
This is Bernie Sanders.
Now, you know what I, my joke was, I want to get Bernie on my show so I can ask him, hey, Bernie, when they cheat you this time, are you going to tell people to vote for Joe Biden?
And of course, he won't come on my show.
Which is fine.
It's okay.
But here's what he said.
He was giving a speech in Texas last week or a week ago.
And he said, or on, here's April 25th.
That's when this is from.
He said, but this I am confident of.
At the end of the Democratic primary, whether I win, whether Joe wins, or whether anybody else wins, we are going to see Democrats come together to defeat the most dangerous president in the modern history of this country.
So what Bernie Sanders is saying is, if they cheat me again, you got my support.
No fucking problem.
You know, that party I've resisted joining for 40 years, I'm pretty sure they're going to get it right.
That's bullshit.
Here is Wally.
I'm with you.
Here's Waleen Shaheed.
Now, this guy is very smart, and he's a top strategist for the Justice Democrats.
And every time he tweets something, it's really good, and I usually retweet it, except for this shit.
Now, he said, that's why I follow him because I did unfollow him because of this.
But he says, I'm no fan of Biden in this primary field.
Progressives won't be holding back their criticism.
But if Joe Biden ends up becoming the Democratic nominee, I'll be supporting and voting for him over Donald Trump in a heartbeat.
No question.
And that's true of almost everyone I know.
Well, guess what?
I'm not going to be voting.
Well, here's what I said.
Just putting the establishment on notice that I will never vote for a corporatist warmonger whose first fundraiser was with a bunch of Comcast executives.
Pledging your support to the cause of Donald Trump is horrible strategy and another reason why we got Donald Trump.
So Wally Shaheed says, no question I'll vote for Joe Biden, and that's true of almost everyone I know.
Well, now you know me, Waleed, and you know a room full of progressives who aren't going to fucking vote for Joe Biden, right?
Thank you.
So this is 450 people in the middle of Phoenix, Arizona, a red state, who are saying, we're not going to do that shit.
Thank you.
And you know what?
If you're going to say Something like this, Wally.
Maybe you say this on November 5th instead of two years ahead of the fucking election.
Maybe on November 5th, you go, hey, I'm going to get drunk and go vote for Joe Biden.
Maybe that's what, what do you get out of saying this two years ahead of time?
We haven't even had the primary, and they're saying this shit.
It's unbelievable.
You're saying, hey, DNC, hey, superdelegates.
Don't worry.
So, Mike Ravel says if Democrats nominate Joe Biden, he may win.
And we'll have four years of weak, feckless Democratic leadership.
And then in four years, he'll be defeated by a Republican Party, even more openly white nationalists.
If you nominate an Obama redux, you'll get a worse Trump redux.
Now, this is a full room of people, progressives.
I don't know personally, and they all think that Wali Shaheed's advice is fucking counterproductive and bullshit.
Here's what Carl Nyberg says: Dear Wally Shaheed, do you feel satisfied that the Democratic Party appropriately shared power with progressives and socialists and anti-imperialists and anti-racists and Black Lives Matter and the left after the 2016 primary?
How does your loyalty to the Democratic Party make things better in the real fucking world?
It doesn't.
Can progressives and anti-war activists play nice with the Democratic Party this way from 2008 to 2003 to 2008.
What did progressives and anti-war activists get for that playing nice?
Well, we got the Iraq war ended on the Bush timeline.
We got the United States still in Afghanistan.
We got the Affordable Care Act.
We got Libya.
We got Honduras.
We got an Egypt coup and almost a Venezuelan coup.
That's what you get for doing the shit that Wally Shahid is fucking doing right now.
You get more shit.
Kevin Smith says, it's not like I ever aspired to be a radical, but if you have kids and grandkids and you're paying attention, then you have to realize that we don't have time for gradual change by compromise.
We compromised our way into an existential crisis.
We need progressive change.
Stop!
Like, we don't have time for this shit anymore.
So, here's George DeKay.
Will you join me in pledging not to speak negatively about any of our candidates?
We don't know who the nominee will be, but they need to be as strong as they can be going into the election against Trump.
Hey, George DeKay, set your phasers to milquetoast.
I hate Spock called and said that is highly illogical.
He was always the most spyless of the crew.
He was.
And now I'm going to play this.
And here is Glenn Greenwald.
He's going to explain to you why the strategy that George DeKay and Wally Shaheed, again, who I like, but who's wrong on this, why they're wrong.
And here it is.
Simbonenio Average.
Believe me, and by the way, this is 10 years ago, right?
This is a decade ago.
Glenn Greenwald was saying this.
Simbonenio Average, because you can complain and object to all sorts of things, but at the end of the day, politicians know that you're going to give them your undying and unconditional support because the other side is just mildly worse.
What you're doing is you're ensuring that you will be ignored.
But I think.
There it is.
You pledge your vote to a politician, you're ensuring you're going to be ignored.
Why do they have to go be nice to you?
They already got your vote, which is what I told people about Hillary Clinton.
Don't pledge your vote for her.
Make her come get our vote.
We're progressives.
She has to maybe pick a little progressive as a vice president.
But everybody I knew is like, fuck you, we got to stop Donald Trump, which is exactly Hillary Clinton's plan.
And so she went to the right and she picked Tim King, and here we are fucking doing the double CK.
And everybody's saying that and everybody's saying that I'm fucking crazy.
No, this is what they were saying a decade ago.
They were saying this a fucking decade ago and we're still doing the same shit.
Waleet Shaheed, stop doing this fucking bullshit that props up the status quo.
That's what I'm asking.
Thank you.
Whoa.
Salutations, my good man.
For it is myself, swift-armed, bright-eyed Chukilius Schumericus, born of Olympians on Capitol Hill, Harvard graduate, bravest, handsomest, and greatest warrior of the Grand Army of the Resistance.
Son of mortal Abraham, king of the Myrmidons, and a fair Selma, maker of muffins.
And second cousin once removed to Amy Schumer, who kind of steals stuff, but I don't want to get into that right now.
All right, Senator Schumer, how are you?
Please, Master of the Senate, Senator Schumer.
Master of the Senate, Senator Schumer, Donald Trump's poll numbers are now higher than they've ever been.
Are Democrats going to beat him in 2020?
Hey, you know there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Connoff, Jim Earle, Ron Placone, Steph Semerano, and Mark Van Landowicz.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only the inimitable Mike McRae who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
That's it for this week.
you be the best you can be and I'll keep being me.
Don't bring up!
Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
Don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Don't don't don't bring it up.
Don't freak out.
Do not do not do not freak.
Do not freak.
Do not freak out.
Don't bring out.
Don't bring out.
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