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May 9, 2019 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:02:40
20190509_TJDS_20190509_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Oh, Barack Obama's on the phone.
I hope he doesn't ask me to endorse his job skills on LinkedIn.
Terby, endorse my job skills on the LinkedIn page.
You have a LinkedIn page?
Heck yeah.
It's the latest thing.
The kids love it.
It's where the world connects to embrace the joyous task we've been given to continually try to improve this great nation of ours.
That's what I put my profile.
Pretty good, huh?
Yeah, I don't think I can, Barack.
Oh, come on.
Get with it.
Hear that?
That's me endorsing your getting up all of my shit skills.
Now you got to endorse my fresh thinking that no longer settles for the lowest common denominator skills.
Come on, do it.
Then I'll endorse more of your skills.
And then we're part of an important network.
No.
Hear that?
I just endorse your powder x-ray diffraction skills on LinkedIn.
But I don't know the first thing about powder x-ray differentiation.
What the fuck do I know about fresh thinking?
Come on, get real.
Hey, listen, hear that?
I just endorsed your getting real skills on LinkedIn.
Now do me.
Let me think on this.
Does Joe Biden have a LinkedIn page too, Barack?
Are you kidding?
Joe still thinks people write letters to each other.
But if he did, I'd endorse his creating a hostile work environment skills on LinkedIn.
Are you going to endorse his candidacy?
I'm laying low on endorsements for now, Jimmy.
I'm waiting to see if somebody worse turns up.
But he was your sidekick for eight years.
Don't you worry, Jimmy.
If he wins a nomination, and he will, I'll get on board the Centrist Express to Nowhere, because nowhere is where it's at.
But what's his platform?
This.
There's a clear difference between the two parties.
Republicans want to take us to a bad place.
Well, Democrats want to keep you in a bad place.
It's all about security.
What kind of security?
The security of knowing you're in a familiar bad place as opposed to a new bad place.
You're not.
All right, well, what about Anita Hill?
Anita Hill is all about whataboutism, Jimmy.
But isn't the phrase whataboutism all about ignoring the past?
But isn't the only thing worse than what aboutism is but isn't itism?
And the same goes for howeverism and but you knowism.
The majority of folks say it's time to move on from at Anita Hill kerfuffle.
There were good folks on both sides.
Oh, who says that?
Mrs. Biden.
She's tired of hearing about that Anita Hill woman.
She had her 15 minutes of fame.
It's Joe's turn now.
It's only fair.
But wouldn't nominating Biden imply consent for all the ugly precedents you and the Clintons set for Donald Trump?
There you go again with your butt woodenisms.
What precedents?
Drone bombing civilians and starting five new wars.
That's not war, Jimmy.
That's kinetic military action.
You know, like what Hillary and I did in Libya.
Hey, endorse my kinetic action skills on LinkedIn, okay?
I got the kinetic action.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for blackbeast.
The kind of people that are comments maybe on tearing down our nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to T-Wee.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Dore show.
We will see you live this Sunday, May 12th in Tempe, Arizona at the improv for a live Jimmy Dore show.
We'll be in Austin, Texas, May 18th and 19th, and Hermosa Beach, June 5th.
Go to JimmyDoreComedy.com for a link for all tickets.
Now, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Did you hear that the latest Gallup poll shows that Donald Trump's favorability ratings are now at 46%?
That's the highest of his presidency.
You know, by the time the Democrats finish investigating obstruction, Donald Trump will win the People's Choice Award and be serving his third term.
Hey, remember four years ago when Joe Biden attended the unveiling of Dick Cheney's bust on Capitol Hill and said, quote, I actually like Dick Cheney.
I get on with him.
I think he's a decent man.
Remember that?
Well, can I just say, please, somebody, somebody, please accuse me of being a purist?
And now, number 23, in a long list of ways, Democrats repeatedly opened the doors for Donald Trump.
Number 23, kinetic military action.
In 2011, the Obama administration lied to Congress and to the public by saying bombing Libya is not really war, but it was a, quote, kinetic military action, end quote.
In the 1950s, we had the forgotten Korean kinetic military action.
And in the 800 B.C., Homer wrote his famous poem, The Iliad, about the Trojan kinetic military action.
So next time you're at Arlington National Cemetery, please pay tribute to all our kinetic military action heroes who died in the kinetic military action against kinetic military action on terrorist.
Hey, did you hear this week NASA simulated destroying New York City with a giant asteroid?
Did you know that?
And you know what their findings were?
Rents increased.
Donald Trump's ex-lawyer, Michael Cohen, says he once helped Jerry Falwell Jr. by suppressing the release of embarrassing and damaging videos of him being an actual Christian.
Did you know rumor has it that Howard Schultz, the CEO of Starbucks, may be abandoning his presidential campaign?
I've got a double Trenta Carmel self-awareness for Howard, double Trenta Carmel self-awareness for Howard.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
After Russia Gate, Rachel Maddow is now siding with bona fide war criminals in her quest to start another war.
No kidding.
Plus, Joe Biden, the despicable Joe Biden.
Today he admits he likes Dick Cheney, wants to make America moral again, and asks kids for permission to touch them.
Plus, we talked with a reporter inside the Venezuelan embassy in D.C. that is currently under siege by right-wing maniacs, and they're being aided by the Secret Service and the CIA.
Plus, Joe Biden defends millionaires and billionaires, and the Clintons give horrible advice for 2020.
Plus, phone calls today from Barack Obama, George Clooney, Liam Neeson, and Jake Tapper.
Plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
I want to do today's show to cover Venezuela, what's happening in the embassy in Washington, D.C. Now, just to get you caught up to speed, what's happening in Venezuela is Venezuela has twice the amount of oil that Saudi Arabia has.
And so Donald Trump, John Bolton, and Elliot Abrams, the war criminals they are, want to get their hands on that oil.
So they're manufacturing a crisis in Venezuela by putting sanctions on their economy that the UN rapporteur on Venezuela has called a crime against humanity.
And in fact, 40,000 people have been killed because of these sanctions.
That gets no press in the United States.
And if you watch the United States, what's happening in our press, exactly what happened in the run-up to the Iraq war, exactly what happened in the run-up to the Libyan war, what's happening is that the press is going along with the military-industrial complex and the government, and they're being lapdogs to power.
For instance, they tried to do a coup.
We covered it.
Juan Guaido tried to do a coup.
They tricked some soldiers into joining them, but those soldiers quickly realized that they were being tricked and they went back and they abandoned Guaido.
And so here's Bloomberg news.
There is no coup in Venezuela.
The uprising in Caracas is an attempt to restore the government's legitimacy, not overthrow it.
That's not true.
This is a coup by Elliot Abrams and John Bolton and Trump.
And the Democrats are in bed with them, just like they were with George Bush and Dick Cheney in Iraq.
Okay, this is exactly what's going on.
And here is: don't call it a coup.
This is the Washington Post.
Venezuelans have a right to replace an oppressive, toxic regime.
Nobody is on the side of the people who wants to do a coup in Venezuela.
You know who's on the side of them?
Elliot Abrams, John Bolton, and Donald Trump, and the capitalists who want to steal their oil.
So just to bring you up together, here's Ronya Kalek.
She tweeted this out, this story out.
We spoke to Mark Weisbrot on unauthorized IDs about his report showing U.S. sanctions on Venezuela killed 40,000 Venezuelans in a single year.
Now, this gentleman, Carlos Vecchio, putting a siege on the Venezuelan embassy in D.C. Now, Maduro is the elected president of Venezuela.
There was an election.
Maduro won that election.
The opposition didn't partake in that election, and now they want to throw him out of office.
Well, you have to participate in the election if you want to get a hold of an office.
So this guy, Carlos Vecchio, he's in bed with the CIA and Trump, Bolton, and Elliot Abrams and Juan Guaido.
So he's trying to say that he's the ambassador from Venezuela and they're trying to take over the Venezuelan embassy.
And I'll show you really briefly what's going on.
I'll show you here some video of it.
So there's pro, there's CIA-backed oil company, military industrial-backed Venezuelan protesters, right?
So they're there at the embassy.
Now, they're the people protecting the embassy.
So Code Pink is there, right?
There's Medea Benjamin.
So they're protecting the, literally, they're trying to break into the embassy, the CIA-backed pro-Venezuelan coup people.
They're literally trying to seize the embassy.
And so lots of people have gone into the embassy to occupy it.
So they can't do that.
And so right now, I'll bring on, we're going to bring on someone, Anya Prempel.
She's actually inside the Venezuelan embassy.
She is previously hosted a daily progressive afternoon news show called In Question on RT America.
She's been covering what's been happening in Venezuela, and she's actually in the Venezuelan embassy right now as we speak.
So she's here to fill us in.
Now, we've, Anya, thank you for being here.
It's my pleasure, Jimmy.
Thank you so much for inviting me.
So we featured some of your reporting from inside Venezuela where you showed the pro-Maduro rallies that mainstream news in the United States will not show.
And now you're inside the Venezuelan embassy.
So tell us what's going on with this guy, Vecchio, and what's happening there.
The breakdown you just provided is quite accurate, Jimmy.
Essentially, what's happened since the Washington administration here, the Trump administration here in Washington began this coup in January, this attempted coup, there's been a slow progression here in Washington and in New York where shadow regime officials have seized territory belonging to the democratically elected government, the Maduro government in Venezuela.
They seized a military attaché in Washington, D.C. They seized a consulate building in New York because no one was in there and it just because all of Venezuela's diplomatic staff has been forced to leave.
And so these opposition so-called diplomats walked into these buildings, took control of them.
And so the last front in this battle, this diplomatic war that is being waged against Venezuela, is the main diplomatic mission, the Venezuelan embassy in Georgetown in Washington, D.C. And so a group of activists, including Popular Resistance, I'm sure you guys know Margaret Flowers and Kevin Zees, as well as Code Pink and the Answer Coalition, have strategized in order to protect this building.
And they, with foresight, came inside at the invitation, the invitation of the Maduro government, came inside starting April 10th, and have been sitting inside of this building since that date in order to make sure opposition activists and opposition representatives can't take control of the building.
And I should note, the seizures that have happened so far occurred in complete violation of international law.
According to the Vienna diplomatic conventions, which established the norms of diplomatic relations, diplomatic properties are inviolable, meaning the officials and officers from a host state, in this case, the United States, cannot enter unless they are invited by the government.
And what's more, it is the responsibility of the United States, according to Article 22 of the Vienna diplomatic conventions, to protect the integrity of these buildings, to make sure they aren't damaged, and to ensure the rightful government can maintain control.
So the United States has violated international law already.
And these embassy protectors, the embassy protection collective, as they're called, are saying they're here to preserve diplomatic law.
They're simply standing up for international law.
And again, they're the invited guests of the legal owners of this building, the Venezuelan government.
Carlos Vecchio, that individual you spoke of, Guaydo's shadow puppet figure who probably answers to Trump more than he does to anyone in Caracas, wouldn't even have authority to issue visas out of this building.
Their administration, as they call it, doesn't even have a foreign minister.
They don't have any control or authority domestically back in Venezuela.
So it's completely outrageous to think that they want to seize this building.
I like to say that what they want to do is come in here and play government the way I used to play house as a little girl.
Like, you know, I stand at a little toy oven and think I'm an adult.
That's what they want to do.
They want to sit in the diplomat's chair.
They want to sit in the embassy and pretend like they're a government, even though they have no authority.
So a big part of this story you've mentioned, but it's that The United States government, the Secret Service, is not protecting the Venezuelan embassy.
In fact, they've been assisting the racist protesters, correct?
Now, a lot of people don't realize that there's a lot of racism involved in Venezuela and involved in this coup.
We had Greg Palest on the show, who's a venerated and award-winning supporter, reporter, who explained the situation.
There's lots of racism in Venezuela.
There's the white upper class, neoliberal class, the capitalists and the corporatists who want to overthrow this socialist government that's been taking care of its people.
And they want to overthrow them.
But most of the people don't want that overthrow.
They want a democracy.
They want an election and they don't want the United States to interfere.
And most of those people are dark brown and black people.
And so people don't realize that's happening in Venezuela.
And the same people who are coming to the Venezuelan embassy in support of the coup are also revealing their racist hands, right?
They absolutely are, Jimmy.
Your viewers won't be surprised to know that due to colonialism and imperialism's legacy in Venezuela, you can't separate politics from class and race.
So you definitely do have a ruling, formerly ruling class.
They lost control in 98 when Chavez won democratic elections and began this revolutionary process in Venezuela.
But there is a ruling class that would like to take control of power again, and they happen to be whiter, more European-looking individuals.
And those are the people that are currently right outside this window chanting at us inside.
And they have been completely shameless in their behavior.
They've called black members of the Embassy Protection Collective the N-word while we were outside.
They've assaulted women.
They assaulted, sexually assaulted Ariel Gold of Code Pink.
And then the Secret Service threatened to arrest her.
In fact, Jimmy, they assaulted me.
And there's video of it.
When Carlos Vecchio attempted to address the crowd here, I tried to ask him a question because at the Gray Zone Project where I work currently as a reporter, my colleague Max Blumenthal reported on a meeting that took place in Washington, D.C. at the Center for Strategic and International Studies, which is a banking, oil, and defense industry financed think tank.
And they actually had a meeting titled Assessing Military Options for Venezuela.
And members of Carlos Vecchio's diplomatic staff attended that meeting.
I mean, very strange for diplomats claiming to represent a people to go into the capital of a foreign country and plan the invasion of their homeland.
It's a bit outrageous.
So I tried to ask him and say, why were your staff members at this meeting?
And the minute I was in his face, he shook my hand.
The crowd of people gathered outside.
Multiple people grabbed me.
They threw me away from him.
They threw water on my face.
And then who did Secret Service punish?
They punished me.
They made sure I went across the street and couldn't get in their faces and ask questions anymore.
So the Secret Service have my fellow reporter who's in here, who I urge everyone to follow, Alex Rubenstein, is going to file a report shortly at Mint Press News about how the Secret Service have moved on from merely abetting the protesters outside and have become a second front in the attack line against the people who are protecting this embassy.
The Secret Service have told people who are inside that they're protecting the people on the sidewalk, not the people inside.
And they've prevented food from being delivered inside the embassy.
They've actually prevented the delivery of supplies from so it's ironic because they're essentially using the State Department strategy, which they're employed against the Venezuelan people, which is to keep it under an economic blockade and siege.
You mentioned 40,000 Venezuelans have died according to this new report due to U.S. sanctions.
They're now turning that strategy against U.S. citizens in the Venezuelan embassy.
They want to starve these people out, thinking that if they don't let food inside, the people here are going to give up and let Carlos Vecchio march in here and plague government.
But I can tell you, speaking to the people inside this embassy, that's unlikely to happen.
They have a plan and a strategy to perhaps win more supplies, but also in the worst case scenario, people are prepared to go on hunger strike.
These are people who are willing to put their bodies on the line to preserve international law.
And all of your viewers should know that the Secret Service is enabling the starvation of U.S. citizens inside this embassy.
They've partnered with right-wing, anti-gay, anti-black, racist, bigoted protesters who are stationed outside, preventing people from coming and going.
And I would urge your viewers to call the Secret Service at 202-406-8800 and ask them to obey international law and allow for the delivery of supplies and food into this embassy, but also that they should be doing their job and protecting this embassy, protecting the people inside and preserving its integrity, meaning preserving the legitimate government, the democratically elected government of Venezuela to continue to operate.
So now a lot of people will say this is the Trump Secret Service and this is the Trump.
People don't realize that the Democrats are also on board for this.
This is Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer and Joe Biden.
They're all a part of this too.
Here's one racist guy outside.
What he says, here's Alina R. Duarte.
She works for Telemon or Telesur.
And so she tweeted out this video of this guy yelling racist stuff at her.
And what he's yelling is, he starts yelling swear words in Spanish.
And then he says, tell me your name.
He calls her a swear word.
Then he says, tell me your name.
And then he says, you take pictures because I'm prettier than you.
I'm going to be so pretty and white tomorrow.
And you're going to remain Indian and ugly daughter.
One day you're going to pay for it.
And then he calls her another swear word in Spanish.
So that's this guy.
These are the pro-coup, the Trump people.
This is the pro-Guaido, the people who want to have a coup in Venezuela.
These are the people, the white racists who want to take over the Venezuelan embassy.
Here he is.
And here he is yelling.
So he just said, tomorrow I will be white and you will still be an ugly Indian.
So that's the kind of people that Trump is with, of course, in Venezuela.
And those are the people, the capitalists, the neoliberals, and the warmongers in bed with Elliot Abrams, John Bolton, and Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer.
And this is what's happening in our own country.
And here you are being greeted by those same types of people.
So they find out you're a reporter who's been telling the truth about Venezuela and they're not happy about it.
Yes, please, get out.
Fuera, fuera, fuera, fuera, fuera, fuera, fuera, fuera, fuera, fuera, fuera, fuera, fuera.
Now, what are they chanting?
They're telling me to get out.
Puera, huea, go away, get out.
And actually, the Secret Service, I think that was one of the more higher ranking officers actually asked me to leave again.
I said, I have three rights to be here, and I'm going to keep filming.
Jimmy, these are the Democrats.
These are the Democrats in Venezuela.
These are the people who are going to restore democracy to the country.
People who shut down a reporter just for filming them.
I wasn't even talking to them.
And they've been playing blowhorns, blaring loud music into the ears of other reporters and individuals who come down to cover the event or to just keep an eye on them.
You see how they're behaving.
They don't look very democratic to me at all.
And to respond to the point about Alina Duarte, one of the very brave reporters who's been stationed outside doing wonderful work for Telesur, she actually had her doorknob and her house fiddled with.
She woke up the day after that video was recorded after somebody told her that she will pay a price for her reporting and actually had damage done to the door of her house.
She has to stay with her friends right now because these people are violent.
I mean, these are people, Jimmy, that people have to keep in mind.
These individuals are connected with a group in Venezuela who have burned people alive.
They lynch people who are Shadista and especially black individuals in Caracas and around the country.
So these people are a threat.
They're very violent and they don't hide it.
I mean, if that's how they're going to behave on camera, imagine what they're like off camera.
And again, the Secret Service has done nothing to protect the people on the inside or journalists on the outside.
I mean, it's very, very disturbing that Alina has been targeted in this way.
And I don't hear any solidarity from the Washington Press Corps who has been so upset about Donald Trump's attacks on the media and cry every time he denies them a question at a press conference.
I haven't heard any of them make a statement in support of Alina.
Yeah, that's all theater.
The United States corporate journalists are exactly what Chomsky says they are.
They're lapdogs to power.
Everyone at MSNBC.
And by the way, Rachel Maddow is in favor of these people.
That's how bad the corporate media has gotten in the United States.
Rachel Maddow, so she is a beard for an evil corporation, and she's now doing the bidding of the military industrial complex in Venezuela.
There's never been a war she hasn't been on board for.
And Rachel Maddow is revealing that she was hired because she doesn't have the integrity necessary to tell the truth about our foreign interventions.
That's why she was chosen for that job.
I think she actually said we have to go to war against Venezuela to counter the Russians.
Yes, that's what she's saying.
That is how her brain has rotted so much during Trump.
It took Trump to expose the rottener brain.
You're correct in characterizing U.S. policy towards Venezuela as a capitalist gangbang with bipartisan support, Jimmy.
I should mention the fact that this policy, this coup policy, this regime changed policy did not start with the Trump administration.
It did not start with the Obama administration.
It started the minute Chavez took power in 1998.
But it should be known by all of your viewers that in 2015, when President Barack Obama was in office, he actually signed an executive order deeming Venezuela's government a national security threat.
And that is what set the stage for this intensification of sanctions, which were eventually upped by the Trump administration.
So this policy really began and most Venezuelans I spoke to while I was there will tell you they don't see one party for them here as better one way or another.
They know they're going to be a target of the capitalist interest, which Washington represents as long as they maintain control over their natural resources and use it for the people of Venezuela rather than the corporate interests in the United States, which bought Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and both parties.
So, well, do you have a prediction?
Now, you've been to Venezuela.
You're inside the Venezuelan embassy.
Do you have a prediction on what is going to happen?
My quick prediction is that they're going to keep launching failed coups because the people of Venezuela are not going to go along with them, especially the military.
What is your theory?
I agree with you.
They're getting more and more desperate.
I think John Bolton and Elliot Abrams have lied to President Trump and told him that this was going to be really easy.
And so they don't have Plan B. They don't have Plan C. We're seeing it every day.
Juan Guaido tries to take over the presidential palace with 70 soldiers who he lied to.
That fails.
Shock.
What a shock there.
And so what we're actually seeing is the emergence of Venezuela on the international stage.
Venezuelan foreign minister Jorge Areasa was just in Moscow where he got reassurance from his counterpart Sergei Lavrov that Russia will stand by Venezuela and support it on the inter on the international stage and make sure that these continued latent violations of international law can't continue.
They've created a group at the UN to reassert the importance of the UN's founding principles and its charter, territorial integrity, self-determination, and sovereignty.
We've never seen a coup carried out by the United States in this way.
We've seen regime change wars, but we've never seen them declare the president changed before the war was actually won.
And so what this has done is created a dynamic in which the United States is failing in front of everyone's eyes.
And it's created space for Venezuela, for Russia, for China, and for other international partners to say this can't stand anymore.
We're sick of it.
We saw it in Yugoslavia.
We saw it in Iraq, Libya, Syria.
It cannot continue.
And Venezuela will have to focus on maintaining support.
The government will have to refocus efforts on maintaining support domestically so that they can continue to win elections or continue their process there.
And we should all support that.
We should support the Venezuelan people determining their own future.
And U.S. citizens should pressure their government, call on their congresspeople to stop supporting sanctions.
And again, call the Secret Service, 202-406-8800, and ask them why they are failing to protect the embassy grounds here in D.C. and why they're letting right-wing bigots from a foreign country starve out U.S. citizens inside the building standing up for international law.
Anya Perampel, she's working with the gray zone right now, doing fantastic work on Venezuela.
She's inside the Venezuelan embassy right now.
She's a Venezuelan embassy protector, and she's there.
I'm embedded media.
Okay, she's embedded media, and so she's letting us know what's happening inside.
So I really appreciate it.
And hopefully, you'll talk to us again soon and keep us updated.
I appreciate the invite, Jimmy.
Thanks so much for covering this because it's been completely blacked out by the mainstream.
Well, and when it's not blacked out, you're lied to about it, right?
CNN blatantly lies about the Venezuelan.
Max Blumenthal had to debunk them.
CNN blatantly lied.
They didn't make a mistake.
They're lying.
Just like Rachel Maddow is lying.
The U.S. press always lies about war.
They're always pro-war.
Isn't that interesting?
It's exactly how Chomsky said it was in manufacturing consent, that the corporate news is there to manufacture consent for these foreign wars.
They're not there to tell you the truth about them.
And boy, see, It's great to see that Venezuela, what's happening right now is that it's being handled by such monumental, incompetent losers like John Bolton and Elliott Abrams and Donald Trump that we're able to lampoon them very easily.
And regular people are able to see what's actually happening, I think, even though the mainstream news media is blocking it out and blacking it out.
Tulsi Gabbard speaking the truth about it.
Bernie Sanders just recently came out with the hands-off Venezuela.
And so every and everybody, of course, on the internet now is telling the truth about Venezuela.
So it's funny to watch these nincum poops from the Trump administration fail so wildly right out in public.
It's really fantastic.
And I encourage everybody to go to your Twitter feed and check out all the hilarious videos you have of them being idiots right on camera.
So everybody check out Anya Parampel.
We have her and the Gray Zone Project.
They're doing great work on this with Max Blumenthal.
Thank you, Anya.
I appreciate you taking time.
Thanks a lot, Jimmy.
Okay.
Hi, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy, it's Jake Tamper.
Oh, hi, Jake.
How's it going, buddy?
Jake Tamper from CNN.
Yes.
Okay.
Yes.
Host of the lead with Jake Hamper.
We know.
How can I help you, Jake?
Well, since I am an established media fixture, I assume you would want some advice and guidance from someone of my stature.
Absolutely not.
Not in a million years.
See, all you had to do was ask.
I see that you are going on tour across the country soon.
Yes, we're going to be in Tempe, Arizona this Sunday.
We're going to be in Austin, Texas, May 18th and 19th.
We'll be in Hermosa Beats, June 5th.
Lots of places.
And you perform live in front of crowds.
Yeah.
Yeah, me, Steph, Ron Graham.
We talk about the news and we do some funny jokey jokes about it.
Not advisable.
Why not?
Why is it not advisable?
Jimmy, as a media figure, you have to resist the temptation to interact with regular people.
Availing yourself to the masses may seem like a good idea on the surface of it, but more often than not, it will lead to disaster.
People are unpredictable.
And one thing a shiny TV person cannot risk is unpredictability.
Well, first of all, Jake, I'm not a shiny TV person.
I'm a journalist and a comedian, and I'm not even trying to be shiny.
I'm performing live in front of audiences like I have been doing for 30 years, Jake.
That's why people like my show.
No, see, here's where you're wrong.
Your legitimacy in people's eyes comes from your aloofness, your untouchability, your almost godlike image on the screen.
If people knew that they could come right up to you and shake your hand, why would they trust you or respect what you have to say?
You know, Jake, I think that's the exact reason why people do trust me.
They know I'm a normal person like them who's who happens to be paying attention.
Doing live shows and interacting with people is just part of what I do.
Okay, see, this is exactly why you need my tutelage.
Oh, yes, Jake, please straighten me out.
I will.
The fact that I exist only in a magical box allows me to ask the tough questions.
The tough questions you only hear on CNN.
Oh, really, Jake?
What tough questions are you asking?
Well, for example, a few weeks ago, I had Amy Klobichar on, the oddly alluring senator who was running for president.
And I slammed her.
Slander, Jimmy, with a tough question.
To wit: Doesn't Donald Trump deserve credit for the recent economic recovery?
And boy, she really, you could tell, felt walloped.
Boom!
Tough question.
Really?
That's your idea of a tough question?
Now, hold on, Jimmy.
I said tough question, not good question.
There's a difference.
A good question, a good question is designed to elicit useful information.
A tough question is there to throw people off their guard, maybe make them stammer a little bit.
And if they're a powerful person, that makes you look like a tough journalist.
You know, I see.
That's very sad that that's what you think your job is.
That's sad.
Thanks.
I appreciate that.
Here at CNN, as far as tough questions go, it's Chris Cuomo's world.
We're just living in it.
We're all just cucks to his bull.
And in Brian Stelter's case, literally.
Okay then.
I'm glad I had this opportunity to mentor you in journalism, Jimmy.
Stick to my tips, and I have a feeling you'll go far.
Well, thanks, Jake.
Enjoy shilling for the corporation.
Will do.
I used to date Monica Lewinsky, AMA.
Ask me anything.
No, thanks.
Bye, Jake.
AMA.
No, thanks.
The mainstream news media is never going to tell you the truth about foreign wars, about our military-industrial complex, about our imperialism.
They're never going to tell you the truth about any of that stuff.
They won't even tell you the truth about the 2016 election.
So, right now in Venezuela, Trump hired Elliott Abrams, a bona fide war criminal, and John Bolton from the Bush administration, whose idea was Iraq.
Trump hired those two guys straight from the swamp.
Couldn't get any deeper in the swamp than those two guys.
Trump picks those guys up, puts them right in his cabinet, says, go overthrow Venezuela because they have twice as much oil as Saudi Arabia.
And all the people who pushed Russia Gate for three years, they just ignore the fact that Putin is on the side of Maduro and Trump wants to overthrow Maduro.
They just ignore it, right?
Because that's what conspiracy theorists do.
They ignore facts that don't support their conspiracy.
And that's what the establishment corporate news media is.
They're a bunch of goddamn conspiracy theorists, just like Glenn Beck and Sean Annity were when Barack Obama were president.
They are blatant, unrepentant, monumental nuclear conspiracy theorists.
And now in Venezuela, Rachel Meadow gonna side with John Bolton.
You think I'm kidding?
Watch out.
I'm underworking John Bolton.
Right, regardless of what you thought about John Bolton before this, of his whole career and his track record.
Regardless of what you thought about him, regardless of what we thought about him, regardless of what you thought about Pol Pot and Adolf Hitler, regardless of what you thought about those guys, they're human beings.
That's what she's going to say.
Just think of John Bolton as a human being.
Just think of Pol Pot as a human being.
Just think of Charlie Manson as a human being.
Come on.
Think of them as human beings.
You know, the Las Vegas shooter.
Think of him as a human being.
That's what she's asking you to do.
Because those guys are war criminals.
That's the worst thing I thought you could be in the world.
I didn't think there was anything.
We'll let you go kill people and you still do it illegally.
It's a war.
You could go kill people and you still find a way to be a criminal doing that.
This is what John Bolton, human being, thought his job was this week.
Again, whether you like what he's saying here or not, this is what they've had him out there saying.
The Trump administration has also made the claim that Russia is very much involved in prompting up the Maduro regime.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo told my colleague Wolf Blitzer yesterday that there was a plane waiting to take Maduro to Cuba, but the Russians talked him out of it.
What exactly is the Russian role here?
Look, the Russians like nothing better than putting a thumb in our eye.
They're using the Cubans as surrogates.
They'd love to get effective control of a country in this hemisphere.
We've made it clear to the Russians in a lot of conversations at a lot of different levels, some of which are going to continue today, why we think this behavior is unacceptable to us.
Yeah, you thought that was your job.
So Rachel Maddow is on the side of John Bolton.
She's literally doing a piece here that is sympathetic to John Bolton.
Sympathetic.
Jimmy, that's human being.
I'm sorry, human being.
But it turns out, not at all.
Not after Vladimir Putin gets done with President Trump today.
He is not looking at all to get involved in Venezuela other than he'd like to see something positive happen for Venezuela.
Putin doing anything in Venezuela?
Who said Putin's doing anything bad in Venezuela?
Who have you been listening to?
I'm with him.
He says he's not.
I mean, John Bolton, God bless you.
Good luck delicately and carefully shaving around that impressive mustache when you have to look at yourself in the mirror in coming days, Mr. National Security Advisor.
I mean, this is who you're working for.
What is she saying?
I don't even think she knows what she's saying.
I don't even, I literally don't know the point she's making.
She's making the point that John Bolton is telling the truth about Russia.
John Bolton is a truth teller on Venezuela.
That's what Rachel Maddow is saying right now.
She's saying that John Bolton is telling us the truth, and then Trump is lying to us about Russia, even though he hired this fucking guy and he's trying to actively overthrow Venezuela in the name of Trump.
Somehow, Trump isn't doing the thing that Trump is doing because he had reasonable rhetoric in an interview about a conversation he had with the leader of another nuclear power.
That's what Rachel Maddow's saying, Ron.
Is that correct?
Yes, and her friend Roger Ailes would be proud.
I'm getting the impression she's trying to frame him as vulnerable and weak and limited right now.
Like, God bless you, John Fulton.
Like, he's incapable of being the maniacal brains behind this kind of shit.
John Bolton, John Bolton thought his job was to stand up against Russia, but it turns out it's not.
No, his job is to overthrow Venezuela and steal the oil, Rachel.
And she knows that.
And of course she knows that.
You know that.
She knows that's what his job is.
So she's, again, I don't, she's upset that Trump, what, isn't trying to do a coup in Venezuela, which is he obviously trying to do.
You want him to do more coupie stuff?
Again, she's upset that President Trump had a reasonable characterization of his phone call with the president of a nuclear power.
Well, it's like one of those cases of too many scapegoats in one news report.
Right.
You know, she can't keep them all straight.
So you got to just throw the word salad out there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't, yeah.
That is.
So there, so I just want to, again, thank Rachel Maddow and MSNBC and all the YouTubers whose coverage is indistinguishable from their coverage on Venezuela.
I will say thank you from my company's perspective.
You're leaving us a huge lane, which is why when we drop a video on Venezuela that debunks the corporate news bullshit, we get about 200,000 views.
Our little bitty bitty show in my garage in Pasadena, and the corporate news doesn't get those views.
The people pushing, the people who are on board for Trump's regime change, they're not getting that kind of traction.
Ron, did you want to say something?
I was just going to say, think of Rachel Maddow as a human being who thinks her job is opposing Trump, but really her job is just patting Comcast ratings.
So whatever you thought about Rachel Maddow in the past, whatever you thought about Rachel Maddow in the past and all her three years of nonstop bullshit, her sandbagging of Bernie Sanders, her lying about the violence in the Arizona, all the stuff.
And it doesn't matter that she blatantly lies to her audience and pushed an evidence-free red baiting conspiracy theory that is being used to show off the security state's control over social media, which is in direct competition with her company.
No matter what you think about Rachel Maddow, just think of her as a human being.
Just think of her as a human being.
A human being who's completely bought and paid for, who is a beard for a nefarious military-industrial complex corporation.
Go ahead.
It's mildly insulting to the viewers to be.
It's insulting to the viewers.
Yeah.
I mean, because I remember when I was a little kid and I was maybe five or six years old and I asked my grandfather, I was like, hey, is the president a good person?
And my grandfather knew I wasn't ready to digest politics.
I was a little kid.
So my grandfather just said, well, it's a difficult job and someone's got to do it.
That's what you say to a little child who's not ready to digest politics or something like that.
She's saying this to her viewers.
She's treating them like children.
They're a human being.
You don't need to tell that to people who are watching news and trying to engage with news.
People give me a hard time when I just mention Tucker Carlson saying the right thing, the actual right thing.
Here she is literally sympathizing with this guy.
It's almost like Rachel Maddow, who said Roger Ailes was her friend, Roger Ailes, serial freaking sexual harasser.
That's her friend.
It's almost like they work for the same people.
It's almost like they have the same level of integrity, which is zero.
Zero.
Okay, that's, I mean, that's there's no getting around that video.
There's no getting around that.
We can add it to the greatest hits.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, definitely.
That's going in the greatest hits.
Rachel Maddow was pushing a theory.
The Attorney General, Bob Barr, was redacting the Mueller report all by himself, and he wasn't letting Mueller in on the redactions.
As she's saying this, her own producers on the crawl underneath her, the news ticker, were saying, no, Mueller is helping Barr.
As she's saying, Barr's doing it all by himself, the ticker underneath is saying, no, no, what she's saying is not true.
So at least MSNBC is debunking her in real time now.
She's so full of shit, they debunk her in real time as she's saying it.
Again, folks, I never thought I would be doing the news.
I thought I would be just making fun of what happens in the news, not actually doing the news because the people doing the news are fucking comedians.
Comedians are supposed to be the jagops.
Comedians are supposed to be the idiots, the guys who aren't informed, who are just throwing spitballs.
That's what Rachel Mano's been doing for three years, completely misinforming her audience, lying about it, and throwing spitballs at everybody.
But the only problem is she's not funny.
And she's not an actual comedian.
She's actually lying.
When comedians do that, they're doing it.
They're exaggerating things for comedic effect.
She's exaggerating things for money.
Wow, Liam Neeson's calling me again.
Hello, Liam.
Jimmy, this is Liam Neeson.
I need you to listen very closely.
I am through doing parodies of that scene and taken where I tell my daughter to listen very closely.
Okay, but what about the part where you tell the bad guy that you have a very particular set of skills?
Those days are over.
Or as you know, and if you don't, you are not to be trusted.
Many of my films feature high-performance driving and dangerous stunts, best left to the professionals.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
In Cold Pursuit, for example, cumulative worldwide growth, $59 million.
I am in the cold, and I am in pursuit.
And the commuter?
I am on a high-speed train commuting.
What's the plot of the commuter?
Oh, about two hours long.
I think I screwed up that joke.
Yes, yes, you did.
And in the film Nonstop, I'm also traveling in a vehicle of sorts.
Non-stop.
Now, many of you may see these films and think you can drive like that.
Well, you're wrong.
And I will tell you why right now.
Yes?
I'm sorry I got distracted by this Pez dispenser.
Mr. Peanut's head always gets caught on the candy, and it just makes me so mad.
Anyway, where was I?
Oh, yes.
You see my films and think you can drive like that.
Well, you were wrong, because those vehicles are being driven by professionals.
And as you know, these professionals have a very particular set of skills.
Wake up!
I need you to stay focused.
Yeah, I'm listening.
Is there anything else you want?
Yes, I need you to get me on a plane to Paris.
When?
An hour ago.
All right, but what are you going to do there?
What did I do best?
Which is teach people important tips on driver safety, like never driving a car when you're angry or trying to hunt down black people.
That's an important one there.
Always get out of your car for that.
Everyday common sense things that people should learn before operating a vehicle.
And if they don't, I'll stab them in the leg with metal rods.
It's a simple choice, really.
Yeah.
Jimmy, I must leave now.
But before I go, may I ask you a favor?
May I tell your audience where I'll be teaching my comedy traffic school courses?
Sure.
Thank you.
Next week, I'll be appearing at Tyson's Chicken Riff and Rendering Room.
The month after I'm at How's Everyone Doing Tonight?
The Nerd Comedy Jam hosted by Dr. Nobody Funny.
Sacco and Vanzetti's Noki Lounge.
Kurt's Carpel Tunnel the Funnel.
And vaccinate yourself against fun because the laughs are infectious.
Okay, well, thanks, Liam.
For a buck, you can recline in one of their antique barber chairs, and they'll put a funnel in your mouth and empty a bottle of Jaegermeister down your throat until you die.
All right, so long.
Then I'm at the Lett Us Amuse You Comedy Traffic School and Dog Food Kitchen in El Segundo.
Keep in mind that's let us spelled like the lettuce you eat in a salad.
It's a pun.
Oh, and this is very important.
The word you is just the letter you.
That's why it's funny.
Thanks.
Okay, bye.
Then I'm at the Hollywood Improv Comedy Clinic and Animal Experimentation Lab on Melrose.
A triangle shirtwaist fun factory that's fun spelled at two ends.
Then I met everybody in this 8x10 is either gratuitously mugging or on the spectrum long-form improv basement.
So come see life comedy or I will stab you in the leg with metal rods.
It's a very simple choice.
Hey, by the way, Joe Biden says, I'm not Bernie Sanders.
Joe Biden said at the Brooking Institution, I don't think 500 billionaires are the reason why we're in trouble.
The folks at the top are not bad guys.
Wealthy Americans are just as patriotic as poor folks.
And I said, obviously, the people responsible for the trouble we're in are the people with no money and zero power.
I mean, obviously, I was like, do you think it's the guys running shit that are to blame, Joe?
No, no, it's probably some janitor somewhere.
And I have a sneaking suspicion it's the driving instructors in high schools that are ruining everything.
It's certainly not the powerful.
It's not the heads of the banks, economies, and the government.
It's not those people.
They're patriotic.
It couldn't be them.
I think it's substitute teachers.
So this is the guy.
This is the guy that everyone's saying is gonna, There's this the guy.
They're all saying this is the guy.
Joe Biden is the new guy.
And so he sat down for an interview.
And here we go.
Let's listen.
The president has a motto.
Make America great again.
Do you have one?
Make America moral again.
Jimmy, Jimmy, you know what it stands for?
Can you piece together an Amiga Energy?
It's an acronym.
It's called Mama.
Yeah, Make America Moral Again is Mama.
Mama.
And I just think we've got to approach this country like you would your mom and just give it a good tight squeeze and a peck in the cheek.
You know, he was going to go, make America let me touch her again.
You know, Biden, what about Sniff America one more time?
This guy talking about morality, this guy, this fucking war-mongering maniac who gutted welfare, deregulated Wall Street, voted for the Iraq war, every fucking horrible thing you could think of.
This guy, this is the guy talking about morality is like Chris Christie talking about fasting fucking Joe Biden.
Let's hear what else is.
America's literally never been moral.
That's the crazy thing about these people.
We haven't been moral since the people who lived here wore moccasins.
That was the last time.
Seriously.
Genocide, slavery, it fucking never ended.
It's just a fucking thing.
That's the last time we were moral.
And then we came in and genocided those moral people.
Well, it wasn't that long ago that we didn't, that we had Operation Wetback.
Yes.
That's right.
Let me repeat it.
Operation Wetback.
That was the point who did that.
Well, what would you have called it?
It was Eisenhower.
And that's what Trump said he was going to do again.
We built concentration camps on the border in the 50s.
And Trump said, I'm going to do what Eisenhower did.
And he's doing what Eisenhower did.
And everyone's like, what.
All right, let's listen to the whole answer because it's a long answer.
Let's listen, Ready.
Let's listen to it.
The president has a motto.
Make America great again.
Do you have one?
Make America moral again.
Make America return to the essence of who we are.
The dignity of a country, the dignity of people, treating our people with dignity.
That's not a catchy acronym.
Well, it's a little long, but for merchandising purposes, he wants it to fit on a cane.
Where are the policies?
Well, I don't know if people remember this, but his nickname was Gaff Joe when he ran.
Yes.
So he's going.
This is how he talks.
He's going to return us to dignity.
Dignity.
You know, like when you have to work three jobs or else you'll go die because you can't fucking afford your medicine.
That's what that kind of dignity is.
Is that what you're talking about, Joe?
Or the dignity of...
This is...
Do you know...
Who's for me?
Do you know how fun it is to be a Republican and to be able to enjoy platitudes like that?
Hey, let's return to the dignity of the country that had when I wrote the crime bill and the Patriot Act.
How about that dignity?
When I turn America into a fucking surveillance state.
That kind of dignity, Joe?
Joe Biden is not a good fucking person, ladies and gentlemen.
He's what's wrong with America.
Joe Biden is what brought us Donald Trump.
That's why we fucking have him.
And now people think Joe Biden is the antidote.
You're being divisive.
You're being negative, Jimmy.
I look great, squeezed into a size 40 suit.
I got ice cream.
I get vanilla ice cream, and I still, my teeth look, they look like corn kernels.
They look like shining, dried-out corn kernels.
I dare you to look like that at the age of one less than Bernie.
All right.
Joe Biden is like if a parking ticket became a person.
That's what Joe Biden is.
By the way, if you want to talk about moral, here's Joe Biden telling you how moral.
Here's the other kind of moral people he likes to hang out with.
Are you ready?
First of all, I actually like Dick Cheney for real.
I do.
It's better.
It gets better.
I'm with him.
I think he's a decent man.
Dick Cheney, who lied us into an illegal war, killed a million people, ordered a torture program to cover it up, and then shamed anybody who asked fucking questions about it.
That's the guy who's going to bring us back to morality.
This is unbelievable, Dave.
No, Dick Cheney.
They all have nice suits.
You don't understand.
Dick Cheney is not just a war criminal, but he should.
We should go back to gibbeting.
We should.
They used to take pirates and they would put them in these metal cage cases and just let them swing by the side of the ocean to scare their pirates away.
And I think that's what we should do with Dick Cheney.
We should have him hanging in a cage somewhere.
Like when you drag him to D.C., when the politicians come in, they go, oh, fuck.
Okay.
Okay.
We'll do the right thing.
Because that's really fucked up.
Gibbeting.
Let's bring back Gibbetting.
Anyway, he's a good guy.
shot his friend in the face and then he made his friend apologize I want to hear him say it again.
I can't.
I want to hear him say it again.
First of all, I actually like Dick Cheney for real.
I get on with him.
I think he's a decent man.
This is the body language of someone telling the truth.
Something that they truly believe is true.
When you have to say, I actually like, I think that tells you.
Hey, by the way, big news, you guys.
Big news.
Bill and Chelsea Clinton to launch a podcast.
Oh, my God!
Fuck!
That's right.
What the fuck, motherfuckers?
As well, Sidnell people.
Chelsea's going to be there, so it's not that offensive.
Oh, Sidnell, people, just find out if we're good.
If I'm good, if I'm good with idiots, Major Corporation.
Hey, Dad, that cigar you put in that woman's vagina.
Did you slip that around me?
Anyway, good podcast.
By the way, that happened during the embargo on Cuba, that lady cigar.
A lot of people forget that.
You totally know podcasts are cool now that Bill and Chelsea are doing that, right?
They're fucking ruining.
Yeah, you know, they're super cool.
They're fucking ruining podcasts.
No, the Pod Saves America already did that.
No kidding.
So I made fun of that guy because he went on the Young Turks and they were cordial.
And which I fucking would not be those guys.
Those guys are insidious.
Fuck.
You know how I feel about those guys.
They're worse than right-wingers.
You can see right-wingers coming, but you can't see those motherfuckers coming.
I mean, I can see them.
Yeah, they're all on corporate boards, and they're all.
And they're all using a million words to tell you why you can't have Medicare for all.
That's the whole point of their fucking podcast, is to gaslight people who need health care and fuck them over.
That's who those guys are.
Anyway, so they sound like great guys.
Who are they?
Centrists are like Rumlins.
You have a large tent and you think you can bring them into the movement and somebody stole a little water and then they've turned into a monster far worse than you could have imagined.
*crowd cheers*
Who was that?
By the way, Hillary Clinton and Bill are doing a tour.
And they were in Las Vegas and she got asked this question.
First of all, God, thank God they're doing it to her.
Don't worry, the tour was a massive failure.
The first one was.
Well, they're doing another one.
Yeah, this is the first one, they started off, I think, in Toronto, and they ran out of curtains to curtain the fucking room off because there was so nobody there.
First, they started, they cut the room in half, I saw that.
And then they kept adding curtains and curtains.
There's no fucking thing.
They had to give away the tickets on Gold Star.
Yes, they were giving them away.
They had some dates in Pennsylvania, but they forgot to show up.
So here's the question they asked her.
Here's the question they ask her.
What advice would you have for 2020 candidates?
I would get a map.
You lost to an orange rapist.
Tell us how you should.
Chester Cheetah?
I don't know.
My advice would be get a map that has Wisconsin and Michigan on it.
And then choose a candidate that's not fucking repulsive.
How about that?
Also, don't fly home every night to sleep in New York.
Did she do that?
Yes.
That's like shit Trump would do.
She did want to sleep in the hotel.
She went home.
Because other people have slept in that bed, regular people.
Yeah.
She flew home every fucking night.
Really?
Yep.
That seems like a lot of.
Let's hear what her answer is, ready?
Based on the experiences you had in 2016.
Don't get on the wrong side of Vladimir Putin.
would be the first.
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
Ah!
And that's just how it's going to go forever.
Oh, wow.
George Clooney's on the line.
Hello.
Is this George Clooney?
Hey, brah.
Guess what?
I'm off the bikes.
The wife said, no more bikes.
So that's the end of that tune.
Motorcycles?
On the nose, sharpshooter.
As you know, a while back, I hit a guy at 70 miles an hour with my bike.
Got launched faster than Adam Sandler's last movie.
Should have seen me flying through the air, dapply clad in my pinstripe suit, my chiseled features acting as foundation for my distinctive salt and pepper coif.
Just before I cushioned the fall with my head, I extended the right arm, babe Ruth-like, to indicate the exact location of touchdown.
I won't lie to you, pal.
I looked great.
Hey, you know there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Connoff, Jim Earl, Ron Placone, Step Semerano, and Mark Van Landowick.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
That's it for this week.
you be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out.
Do not, do not, do not.
Do not freak.
Do not freak.
Do not freak out.
Don't freak out.
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