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Dec. 6, 2018 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:05:32
20181206_1206_TJDS_Podcast
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Time Text
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hey, Jimmy, this is Rick Perry.
Oh, hi, Secretary Perry.
How are you doing?
Well, Jimmy, like the rest of the nation, if not the world, I am in a state of mourning, even though it is 3 p.m.
Of course.
But more importantly than that, I am in a state of Texas where George Herbert Walker Bush was from.
Right.
As the saying goes, he wasn't born in Texas, but he got here as fast as he could to exploit the land.
That he did, sir.
Normally, people like the Bushes would be regarded by natives such as myself as carpetbaggers.
But the way they suck oil out of the ground and use positions of power to blow up the world, damn.
Mighty Texan.
Respect.
I see.
This is indeed a sad day.
Well.
For not only have we lost a president, we have lost a Republican Texan politician, one of our tribe, our people.
And while the televised funeral in Washington, D.C. going on today is for all mourners, the funerary rites I am preparing in Texas at an undisclosed location are for the select few.
Oh, really?
What kind of ceremony do you hold when a Texas Republican politician dies?
Oh, Jimmy, I cannot tell you.
But suffice it to say, we Texas Republicans are a superstitious people.
Ours is a spirit-haunted world, imbued with unseen energies and powers, where words and spells and twangy incantations have the ability to work great miracles upon the land.
And using this sorcery, we will send Bush 41 properly into the afterlife.
Well, what is the afterlife for a Texas Republican politician, Rick?
Jimmy, nobody really knows where we go when we die.
Some believe that when we die, we turn into beautiful balls of light and float through the ether, passing by our deceased loved ones on our way to meet the founding fathers of Texas.
Stephen F. Austin, Sam Houston, Davey Crockett, William B. Travis, and Miraboo Bonaparte Lamar.
Wait, wait, who?
Miraboo Bonaparte Lamar.
That can't be a real name.
What's it again?
Damn it, Jimmy.
I can't say it a third time out loud or the Astrodome will fill up with Queso.
What?
That's one of the spells.
Oh, okay.
Others believe that we face a warrior landscape in the afterlife.
That is why Texas Republicans are buried with weapons and chainmail.
We shall face a series of tests culminating in a one-on-one battle with a 10-story tall worm serpent named Fafner, who turns out to be Lyndon B. Johnson's penis.
Or maybe that's just a dream I had.
What about he just dies and goes to heaven and gets to be with Barbara like the ministers and all the political cartoons say?
Yeah.
Okay, Jimmy.
Don't you think that's a little too on the nose?
I mean, yeah, that's what we tell ourselves to feel good, but, you know, grow up.
Really?
Yeah, really?
Get real.
Obviously, he's going to be sword fighting a giant phallus or swimming across an ocean of guacamole to stop black people from voting or something.
We're Texas Republicans, Jimmy.
We die bigger in Texas.
Okay, thanks, Rick.
I've said too much.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the up-minded, lowly-lovered lapies...
The kind of people that are comments maybe on tearing down our nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's on the popular TV value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Door Show.
Next live Jimmy Door Show, February 1st in Burbank, California.
That's a Friday night.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for all our live shows.
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
Friendly reminder, two years ago this week, Nancy Pelosi said, I don't think people want a new direction.
Just I want to remind people.
Also, one more friendly reminder.
Joe Biden is political ambient.
Hey, do you want to know what the presidential 2016 presidential nominees were up to this week?
Donald Trump, he spent this week bickering about attending a funeral.
Hillary Clinton spent it grifting on a speaking tour nobody came to.
Bernie Sanders spent it fighting for climate change.
And Gary Johnson spent it arranging a bug collection.
Hey, why do people say happy holidays instead of baby it's cold outside?
You know, I don't know about you, but I simply refuse to accept that George Bush Sr. is dead until Jeb forces a feeding tube down his throat.
Am I right?
In America, it's disrespectful to call someone a war criminal if they have 17 grandchildren.
Hey, did you see George Jr., George W. Bush, gave Michelle Obama another piece of candy at his dad's funeral ceremony in what's apparently becoming a touching funeral tradition for the two friends?
Here's hoping Michelle gets to collect a whole bucket full of candy by the end of the year.
And now a word from the Democratic Party suicide cult.
Hey, I know Hakeem Jeffries only gets 1.3% of his money from small donors, but I'm a glass 1.3% full kind of person.
And I just want to remind everybody that as we're in eight wars, you cannot spread democracy with a gun or an army.
However, smallpox and gonorrhea work pretty well.
What's coming up on today's show?
Politico comes to the aid of the Guardian newspaper, which launched a bogus story about Julian Assange last week.
Politico now has their own story written by a fake spy.
Not kidding.
Barack Obama speaks out of both sides of his mouth on climate change.
He's bragging about oil production during his term.
Plus, Bill and Hillary Clinton kick off their concert tour in Toronto at an 18,000-seat venue.
Guess how many people actually showed up?
The answer just may surprise you.
Or will it?
Plus, phone calls today from Jeb Bush, Barack Obama, B.B. Netanyahu, Rick Perry, and Chuck Schumer, plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Hey, everybody, welcome to Jimmy Dore show.
I'm here at the Miserable Liberal and Ron Placone.
Hello, Jimmy.
Look at that shirt Ron's got on.
It's nice.
Yeah, I like it.
Fomenting Discord, huh?
I came here to foment some Discord.
All right, so Bill and Hillary Clinton are out grifting again, and they're selling tickets to hear them come talk.
You think I'm kidding?
There it is.
By the way, it said Scotia Bank Arena.
Of course, they would play at a first place they would go to is named after a bank.
Of course.
Of course.
An evening with the Clintons.
Oh, I bet you Monica Lewinsky has a different interpretation of that.
Anyway, and so does Gaddafi.
Anyway, so Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham Clinton.
An evening with the Clintons, November, seats were available.
Turns out a lot of seats were available.
Turns out they were playing a place that has almost 20,000 seats.
They could barely sell three.
They had to bring the curtain in here.
I'll show you.
This is from the Daily Mail.
If you watch this video, so you see how do you not see the empty seats?
It gets dark.
That's because they cut the arena in half.
They pulled a curtain.
So that's a trick I learned in comedy clubs.
So if you have a 400-seat comedy club and only 150 people show up, there's a curtain that cuts the room off in half.
They just pulled this huge curtain.
So now it looks like it's not so empty.
And now it feels full.
So they tried to do that again, but it's tough to curtain off 16,000 seats.
I'm sure at one point they were kind of looking at the refreshment bar going like, can we make a stage out of this?
We might be able to.
I got an idea.
Where are the folding chairs?
So let's hear.
I'll just hear.
So if you see, there's the camera.
So they're all empty.
All empty seats.
Even when they closed it off, even when they cut the arena in whatever, a third.
Do you see all the empty look at nothing but empty seats?
There's some seats.
Well, weren't the tickets starting at like $200 or something like that?
Here's another.
Yeah, we're going to get to.
This one says, this is an entire bank of seats that were empty through the whole show.
And I don't know if you can see, but at the bottom, it says an entire bank of seats on the floor where tickets were going for $111 on an official site.
Remained empty during the entire event.
There's just one lonely guy sitting there.
I mean, come on.
You know, when they're empty seats at a great concert, people fill them in.
You know a meme that's waiting to happen?
Just having that picture.
And then there's that one guy sitting there by himself and he has a thought bubble that says, what happened?
Somebody make that.
So here is another picture from the Daily Mail.
It says, seats on the upper left can be seen empty just a few minutes before the former first couple took the stage.
So you can see the, so here's the, you can see them, how they brought, they tried to close off the arena.
You can see it, right?
So this stage should be way back because there's way more arena.
Anyway, who cares?
I do, actually.
So you see all the empty seats.
It's hilarious.
Here's, this is also from the Daily Managers.
Look how much these tickets were going for.
This is, there were below face value tickets on sale on StubHub hours before the event.
40 minutes before the event, they offered to pay you.
Negative $20.
The Bell and Hillary show.
Power couple kick off a 13-city paid speaking tour because they don't have enough money.
Because they don't have enough money, the Clintons.
How many hundreds of millions of dollars do you need?
And so here, Bill and Hillary Clinton launched their 13-city paid speaking tour in Canada in a hockey arena Tuesday evening where there were banks of empty seats and the power couple accused President Trump of joining a Saudi cover-up.
You notice he didn't say anything about an Israeli cover-up.
The cheapest ticket available on StubHub was going for $6.55 Canadian or less than $5.
Politicians aren't supposed to charge you to hear them speak.
That's the, right?
Although Ralph Nader did charge when he was running for president, because that's how he would raise money because there was a media blackout and he didn't take corporate money.
So that was a little different.
So the way he raised money, that was before there was online.
That was before social media.
That was before all that stuff.
So the way Ralph Nader raised money to run his campaign was you charged you five bucks to come hear him speak and he would fill stadiums.
They're not filling stadiums.
You know, for five bucks, I would go and live stream it, though.
I mean, that would kind of pay for itself.
Yeah.
Oh, well, just to see her coughing fits.
I had no idea that Canada wanted to see the Clintons so much.
Well, they did it.
Arena.
Turns out they didn't.
You were right.
Canada's enthusiasm was quite overestimated.
On the official site, there were still seats up front on the floor available for $325 with other floor seats going for $83 plus a hefty service charge.
In an unexpected twist, the Clintons, who suffered throughout 2016 for making millions on paid speeches, were interviewed by Canadian politician and diplomat Frank McKenna, the deputy chair of TD Bank Group.
Could the Clintons be bigger assholes?
Could they fucking possibly be bigger asswipe holes?
I don't know, Jimmy.
Stay tuned because it's not 2020 yet.
The first time they come out to do at a speaking event, they're charging hundreds of dollars to hear them talk.
And they get a guy to interview him is the chairman of a freaking bank.
You got what?
What the?
Why don't you guys just tattoo the pictures of bankers' cocks on your forehead, just kind of drooping down into your mouth?
Well, how much donor money does that come with?
Well, we can talk.
It comes.
It comes.
You got to be kidding me.
No, they're not.
Of course not.
Do you see how psychopathic these people are?
How out of touch.
They're immune to normal shame.
It seems almost offensive to ask you, but this is one of the questions that the bank guy asked him.
It seems almost offensive to ask you, but why does Putin hate you so much?
He asked the former first lady, you seem very like a very nice person, he quipped.
Well, what an opener.
That's okay.
I think he saw me as someone who had stood up to him and would stand up to him, Clinton responded.
You mean stand up to him like when you took a half a million dollars and put it in Bill's pocket for a speech that came directly from the Kremlin Bank?
You mean that kind of standing up?
Or how about when you gave away our uranium production to Russia?
You mean like that kind of stand-up?
And you did that for a $142 million payment to the Clinton Foundation from Gustra?
You're all so goddamn corrupt.
You forget what your lies are.
They forget what their lies are.
Bill Clinton took a $500,000 cash payment in his pocket from a Kremlin bank for one speech.
Hillary Clinton signed off on giving, what was it, 10%, 20% of our uranium production to Russia for a $142 million donation through their Clinton Foundation.
It was a donation.
Had nothing to do with anything.
Yes, and there were no scandals about that.
There were no headlines about that.
There were no endless conversations on all the Talking Head shows about them taking that money and the problem with uranium.
Never.
No, it was never.
The only time they ever brought it up on a new show was to pretend that they were debunking it, and they weren't debunking it.
You stood up to you stood up to Putin, really?
Well, maybe that was the bank guy's follow-up question.
Maybe he was like, can I please have an example?
We would have to buy tickets to find out.
I guess you'd have to buy $500,000.
You'll never know.
Bill Clinton said that the United States had compromised its moral leadership.
We're currently bombing the entire world almost.
What moral leadership do we have?
Again, this is all gaslighting bullshit.
And no wonder people aren't going to pay for it.
She couldn't fill a stadium for free when she was running for president.
She couldn't fill a gymnasium.
What makes you think she's going to be.
Oh, because she had Bill with her.
Oh, because Bill Clinton, the real celebrity, was there.
Even no one wants to see him anymore.
Serial sexual harasser.
Yeah, I'm so glad he pointed out that we have no, our moral leadership is compromised.
The guy who got a blowjob in the Oval Office.
The guy who lied constantly.
The guy who demonized black kids, called them super presidents, exploded the prison population.
Had his sister soldier moment.
Remember that?
What the sister soldier moment was for Bill Clinton?
When he had to stand up and denigrate a black person to show to the right wing he was tough.
And then he went on to gut welfare.
But we've lost, now we've lost our moral leadership.
Why?
No, because Trump doesn't play, doesn't kiss ass.
He just does the horrible shit that they did too, but he doesn't apologize for it or pretend like he's not doing it like they do.
And then he went on to defend NAFTA.
NAFTA.
That's off the chart.
But Rachel Maddow will lie to you and say he didn't pass NAFTA.
What?
Because Rachel Maddow also has no integrity when it comes to telling the truth about the Clintons.
She'll lie to you.
She lied to her own audience.
She lied to everybody in the world and said Bill Clinton didn't sign NAFTA, that it was George Bush.
But why would he be defending it if it wasn't his legacy?
And you said this before, right, Jimmy, that he was making a deal with Newt Gingrich.
He made a deal with Newt Gingrich to privatize Social Security.
Bill Clinton, after he deregulated Wall Street so it would crash within 10 years, ruining our economy, also exploded the prison population, also good at welfare, also passed NAFTA, which kneecapped unions forever.
And he had a private deal with Newt Gingrich to privatize Social Security.
It didn't work because the next day, the Monica Lewinsky scandal broke.
And that took away his ability to privatize Social Security.
That's your guy, Bill Clinton.
But now we've lost our moral leadership.
Why?
Because a guy from outside the club.
The guy that he golfs with.
Well, get right.
Trump wasn't outside the club.
Trump was in the club.
He used to buy those guys, just like he said.
They went to their wedding, used to golf together.
Their daughters are best friends.
Now they have to pretend they hate Trump.
And they're doing a good job of it.
They're doing a good job pretending.
They had no trouble with that guy who they call a racist now.
They didn't have any trouble with him before he wanted to run for president against Hillary.
Before then, they were, let's go.
Let's go to his wedding.
Let's go golfing with him.
Let's get on Jeffrey Epstein's plane with him.
What makes this so troubling?
This is the Clinton speaking about Trump's relationship with Saudi Arabia.
What makes this so troubling is how much commercial interest both the president's family and business and his son-in-law's family and business have with the kingdom, with the kingdom, meaning Saudi Arabia, Clinton added, referencing Jared.
Really?
That's the problem?
But the Clinton Foundation take hundreds of millions of dollars from all takers, all governments, all shady organizations.
That's okay.
That's okay, right?
The $142 million you got from Goistra over the Uranium One deal, that was okay.
No problem?
What about all that money?
So if you have business with somebody, it compromises you.
That's what they're saying.
That's what's really that, and I agree.
So that's what they're saying, right?
Well, the Clintons took $153 million in paid speeches since 2001.
That money doesn't have an effect on them, though.
So that corruption's coming from inside the country.
Oh, no, that's also coming from Russia because a half a million of that dollar came right from Russia, didn't it?
What the?
And again, that's why they have a banker interview them instead of someone like me or an actual journalist who would mention this stuff to them.
Oh, so Trump's corrupt because he has business dealings with a foreign country.
What about you taking hundreds of millions of dollars from foreign countries?
What about you taking $153 million in paid speeches from corporations?
That didn't compromise you, though.
So a totally different set of standards for you, right?
You fucking sociopath.
So totally different set of standards for them in an empty stadium, by the way.
Well, I was going to say, hey, look on the bright side.
At least we now know what we kind of already knew, but now we know for sure.
those speaking fees sure as hell didn't come from a door deal so So it's nice to know that it was sold out.
People hungry for the truth going to see the Clintons.
Talk about how somebody else is corrupt.
Charpnay everywhere.
Someone else is corrupt.
That's like Chris Christie pointing you out for bad eating habits.
Oh, yeah, that Jimmy Dole.
He spent a little too much time at the mortgage board.
Mortgage board.
I saw him at the buffet at Jimmy Dard.
Who's this?
Because Chris Christie.
I'm reporting on people's bad eating habits.
After Clinton could bitch about someone else being corrupt.
Okay, now you tell me she's not getting ready to run.
I hope she's getting ready.
Come on.
I mean, this is ridiculous.
She's doing these Speaking tours, they're not selling out.
It's so funny.
It's so funny.
I mean, I would, that's like my biggest anxiety.
Will anybody show up?
And they have all of this money and all of this influence.
And what do they take time to talk about?
Donald Trump.
There are not other more pressing issues to discuss.
Climate change, the disparity in the wealth distribution.
Steph, I'm not sure.
The crisis with Americans and healthcare?
They don't want to talk about that.
No, they want to talk about this.
They want to talk about the president having business dealings in Saudi Arabia.
And what that's known as is that's a conspiracy theory.
But if you talk about their conspiracy, their corruption, that then, but no one will ever call the Clintons a conspiracy theorist for pushing conspiracies.
But if you bring this up and say it affects them, that's when they'll call you a conspiracy theorist.
If you mentioned that Bill Clinton took a half a million dollars cash in his pocket from a Kremlin bank for one speech, they're like, what are you a conspiracy?
If you mentioned that she signed off on the Iranian one deal, then $142 million ended up with a Clinton Poppy.
They will also call you a conspiracy theorist for that.
But here they are being the most corrupted motherfuckers on the planet, and we all know it.
If you read WikiLeaks, even her own campaign was screaming about her doing speeches for the banks when they knew she wanted to run for president.
They're like, what the fuck is she doing?
This is how mental these people are.
And the only people who buy this shit are the biggest sycophantic, brain-dead morons.
And apparently, there were only about 3,000 of them in Toronto.
Which is, that says a lot of good things, stuff about Toronto.
They're not putting up with that.
No, you don't have to.
Wait, it does, Toronto.
And let's be totally fair here.
There's a good chance that some of them were just Maple Leaf season ticket holders.
They got confused.
They got confused.
What an unpleasant surprise that was.
Jeesh.
Can you imagine how boring that must be to sit there for that?
That's brutal.
That is brutal.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's brutal.
I mean, you go to a show, you want a show.
That's not a fucking show.
And they're in a stadium.
That's not a show.
That's just people talking.
That's amazing, right?
Like when I would do a live show, I've constructed and I have jokes and I have peaks and valleys and momentum and a big closer.
Things that get people on their feet and people cheering and people laughing and people being entertained.
This is just a couple of sociopaths sitting around talking.
That's not a show.
That's a fucking podcast.
At best.
At best.
I mean, that's being unfair to podcasts.
It's the shittiest podcast ever.
It is a shitty podcast.
Hello.
Hey, I got good news and bad news.
They say my dad's dead.
My condolences, Jeb.
The bad news is: if dad's really dead, my dumb brother George will get to turn the bowling alley into a salon for his perverted paintings.
The heck, right?
That was my place to hide with my innermost thoughts and desires.
That was my room.
The bowling alley?
It's not called the bowling alley when I'm there.
It's called Where's Jeb Now?
Did he take all the cheese again?
Jimmy, there's only Jimmy.
There's only three things you can do in Candy Bunk.
One, play ping pong and the fetus in a jar storage room.
Two, get your picture taking with tourists at the clam hunt.
And three, retreat with your regrets to the damp basement bowling alley.
What did you mean by if dad's really dead?
He could just be sleeping.
But right now he's lying in state.
I still want to force a feeding tube down his throat.
Science doesn't have the answer to everything.
But his doctors declared him dead.
But life is sacred, and I hate my stupid brother to death.
You're worried your dad's death will shine more attention on your brother George?
Well, of course not.
I'm worried my dad's death will take attention away from me and put my dumb brother in the spotlight again.
Guy.
But that's what I just said.
Look, mister, no Bush is officially dead until they're inside a mason jar on the mantelpiece next to the Christmas cards.
Sorry, that's our policy.
Did President Trump call you to offer condolences?
Heck yeah, but I bet he called my dumb brother first.
Man, oh man.
Are you afraid of what's going to happen when George Jr. passes away?
I have a plan for that.
Officially, he will never die.
We're going to put him on permanent life support.
No more second fiddle for me.
Gosh, what a funny expression, right?
I only play the triangle.
But not much anymore.
I got a serious carpal tunnel injury from bashing it in a violent manner over mom's corpse.
I could go on disability, but I won't because I'm already worth untold millions, and that would look bad.
You play the triangle?
Shut up.
I mean, was that a sincere question?
Yes.
The triangle has a prestigious history, Jimmy.
Technically, I only got as far as playing the angle.
But when I get better, they say they're going to give me the third side.
I'm really excited.
A lot of people use things like knitting needles as the striker, but I found you get the best tones by digging up the bones of your ancestors at night and using a femur.
Do you have any final thoughts on your father you'd like to share with the world?
Yeah, better not cut me out of the will.
Or boy, will I ever be upset?
I started dosing my brother's lozenges with Molly.
Hear that?
That's mom's ghost coming to nag me about not beaching dad's darn yacht on the rocks again.
I'm sorry.
Geez, no one told me about tides, okay?
Jesus.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show is you become a premium member.
We give you a couple of hours of premium bonus content every week, and it's a great way to help support the show.
You can do it by going to jimmydoorcompedy.com.
Clicking on join premium.
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And it's a great way to help put your thumb back in the eye of the bastards.
Thanks for everybody who was already a premium member.
And if you haven't, you're missing out.
We give you lots of bonus content.
Thanks for your support.
Uh-oh.
Who's that calling on the Rapture Hotline?
Hello.
Jimmy, are you prepared for the end times?
More important, are you alone?
Just a second.
Hey, Steph, B.B. Netanyahu's on the line.
Don't get on.
You're talking to me.
Act normal.
Can anyone hear you?
It's okay.
I guess I'm alone except for Brownie, my Chihuahua.
You'll have to get rid of Brownie.
Kaya will eat that little morsel faster than a morning turd.
But not before Taking over his doggy bed, cutting off his water, and depriving him of walkies.
Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.
We like our home.
Look, I promise you can keep your home, but only after we surround it with a fence and cut off your water.
Besides, I need to hide out at your place for a while.
I have to lay low until I can figure out things and get my head together.
You owe me, Dor.
I'm calling in a favor.
No, thank you.
I can have you arrested.
For what?
Speaking badly of me in public?
You're implying that I am guilty of taking and receiving bribes just because Israeli police are saying I should be charged with taking and receiving bribes.
You could land in jail for that, mister.
So you deny the charges then.
You and your wife never took bribes from your country's telecom giant in exchange for lax regulations.
That's preposterous.
I never took bribes nor bribed anyone.
Now let me stay at your place.
I can make it worth your while.
I know you're in debt to your veterinarian.
So you think Americans should take your side on this?
I expect simple American justice, Jimmy.
Complete vindication after ignoring all the overwhelming evidence against me.
Is there too much to ask for after all I've done for your country?
What about the rights of Palestinians?
That's crazy.
You're crazy.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Palestinian statehood isn't necessary for peace.
Then what is necessary for peace?
Continuous war.
Well, why do you need our aid?
I mean, Israel has universal health care and full employment.
We don't even have that here.
Oh, Jimmy, that's crazy.
This whole bribery case is based on a foundation of lies from a few disgruntled associates.
How many?
Last I counted 60.
But they're crazy.
They're all crazy, Jimmy.
All 60 of them.
Come on.
Conan joked around with my dog, remember?
And I must have given a lozenge to someone at some point.
We're all friends here.
These corruption cases are all such a bore.
Cases?
You have more than one corruption case against you?
Corruption schmoruption.
Oh, you're talking about those old bribery charges.
That's old news.
I'm talking about the new ones.
It's time to move on.
But if I do resign, can I stay in your garage?
Hello?
Hello?
I have candy.
How is this part being recorded?
You're crazy.
Hey, everybody, welcome to Jimmy Dorse Show.
I'm here with the miserable liberal and Ron Placone.
Hi, Jimmy.
Howdy, howdy.
Hi.
So I got a video to show you, but first I want to show you this about the oil production under Barack Obama.
This is from Forbes.
It says, there is a great irony that spans the presidential terms of George W. Bush and Barack Obama.
President Bush, widely viewed as a Texas oil man, presided over eight straight years of declining U.S. crude oil production.
In the year 2000, if the world is still alive, in the year 2000, just before President Bush took office, U.S. crude oil production averaged 5.8 million barrels per day.
According to the during President Bush's last year in office, U.S. crude oil production averaged 5 million barrels per day.
So it went from 5.8 million to 5 million.
So it went down 800,000 barrels during his presidency.
The irony is that President Obama, who's not viewed as a friend to the oil and gas industry, has presided over rising oil production in each of the seven years he has been in office.
This was written in 2015.
From the low point in 2008, U.S. oil production has grown each year to reach 9.4 million barrels in 2015.
A gain of 88% during Obama's presidency.
This is, in fact, the largest domestic oil production increase during any presidency in U.S. history.
And that's from Forbes.
So that's kind of awkward for President Obama, right?
Because his big thing is everybody's screaming about climate change now and how Trump is pulling out of the Paris Accords.
And, you know, if Barack Back Obama is about being responsible and doing the right thing, and if this happened underneath his administration, that would be pretty hypocritical and ironic and exposes him to be a double talker.
Yes, Jimmy, but the other side of that is, is now all of our domestic energy problems are solved.
That's why gas is so cheap here.
Oh, wait.
Darn it.
Darn it.
So here's Barack Obama talking about it just the other day about the oil production during his presidency.
And let's watch how embarrassed he is and how humiliated he is that the biggest, largest surge in oil production in the history of our country happened underneath his presidency.
He's extraordinarily proud of the Paris Accords because look, I know he's extraordinarily proud of the Paris Accord because he's and people are like, yes, you tried to stop global warming and climate change.
Good for you.
Yes, with the, he's responsible, not like fucking Trump.
That's what they're saying.
That's what that is.
He's very proud.
Watch this guy talk out of both sides of his mouth.
Do you want to see it happen?
It's going to happen right in front of your eyes.
I know we're an oil country, and we need American energy.
And by the way, American energy production.
You wouldn't always know it, but it went up every year I was president.
And, you know, that whole suddenly America's like the biggest oil producer and the biggest gun.
That was me, people.
I just wanted to.
So, uh...
Ha ha.
Ha ha.
I can speak out of both sides of my mouth.
Very proud of the Paris Accord.
And we had the biggest oil starts in the world.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Thank you.
Thank you.
I know he's nice, and he's not as he doesn't appear to be as a big of maniac as the president who preceded him and the president who succeeded him.
But he's sitting there giggling in the middle of climate change fucking disaster that's happening.
He's sitting there giggling and taking credit for oil production hitting its all-time high, and he's bragging about it and giggling about it after first saying I'm proud of the Paris Accord and then we fucked it.
In the meantime, you're not going to see him go anywhere near Flint.
No.
and make any kind of statement about how he didn't help.
No.
He does sound so ridiculously nice when he talks, though.
Like, I almost forgave him for a split second.
Like, when he was like, that was me.
I was like, yeah, it's okay.
I know that was you.
Silly guy.
That's the thing, right?
He is such a pretty speaker.
Even it's like, ah.
I know.
He's got a gift.
These guys have gifts.
That's why he was president twice, a black guy with a Muslim name.
That's why he got a gift.
And once again, Jimmy, you said this, that all of a sudden, when President Trump is in office, he puts an ugly face on what we do in America.
And the horrible stuff that we've been doing all along.
Oh, my God.
Do you see him?
Do you see Trump?
They're gassing people at the border and kids, which is horrible.
Guess what?
Obama did it too.
Oh, no.
You're not saying he used pepper spray.
Oh, that was me.
Gas kids at the border.
And those kids who got gassed by Obama should be grateful that they were gassed by the lesser of two evils.
So I'm not going to stop doing this, by the way.
As long as he's going around doing this shit, I'm not going to stop reminding people it's super important.
People, even my hero, Thomas Frank, we had on the show.
And he's like, I got to focus on Trump now instead of focusing on the problem that gave us Trump.
When both political parties turn their back on the working man and get in bed with the corporations like this, people are desperate.
80% of workers in America live paycheck to paycheck.
50% of all wage earners are in less than $30,000 a year in the richest country in the world.
The biggest cause of 30 million people still don't have health care.
Everybody else is treading water, worrying that they don't get sick.
The biggest cause of bankruptcy is healthcare.
I mean, again.
And now they go to Donald Trump.
Why?
Because these people gave them nothing.
Super majority, complete control of government.
You got a right-wing healthcare plan anyway.
The same plan we'd have got if Mitt Romney got elected.
The same exact fucking plan.
That doesn't fix the problem.
And so I'm not going to stop reminding people of how absolutely fucking horrible Barack Obama's presidency actually was, even though he talks nice.
And this might be a fool's errand because I don't know how many people I've ever convinced.
But if you think Barack Obama was a great president, it's because you're not informed.
Hello.
Hello.
This is Barack Texaco Obama.
Here to remind you that George Herbert Walker Bush was a hero.
Why do you get to scold American men for being violent to women while you praise George Herbert Walker Bush?
I refuse to even magnify that kind of question with an answer.
Fault is lie.
George Herbert Walker Bush was the most honorable, gracious, and decent man I ever knew.
That's kind of a stretch, even for you.
You may be right.
I'll turn it down a notch by saying he was more popular than Jesus.
Really?
I'm not knocking Jesus or putting him down.
I'm just saying it.
I'm not saying he's better or greater or comparing him with Jesus as a person or God as a thing, whatever that is.
I just said what I said, and it was just taken wrong, and then now there's all this.
Wow, it looks like his death really touched you, Barack.
Fuck yeah, damn right.
I mean, Michelle had to cancel her book tour.
Crazy woman, cancel your book tour.
That's like half a million down the toilet the first date.
What the fuck?
Anything else you'd like to say about your friend?
Yeah, I've got it all here in my thesaurus of gratuitously suck-uppy things politicians think they have to say every time a filthy rich scumbag bites the dust.
Fourth edition, annotated.
Ready?
He left behind a legacy of service that will never be matched.
He was a noble public servant.
My heart is heavy, yet filled with gratitude, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But he lied us into the first Gulf War.
No, he didn't.
That was Donald Trump.
George was a testament to the qualities that make this country great.
But he pardoned war criminals who could implicate him in the Contra scandal.
No, he didn't.
That was Trump.
George committed his life to leaving behind something better.
He set a horrible precedent for presidents to override our system of justice.
And that's a testament to the qualities that make this country great.
It's corrupt.
Worst page three.
Index, index.
Oh, yeah.
He led a broad international coalition to expel a dictator from A, Kuwait, B, Panama, C, both.
He incinerated over 400 civilians in an Iraqi bomb shelter.
And just like that bomb shelter, George and Barbara are now two points of eternal light that will never be dimmed.
They are stars in the firmament.
Wow, this thesaurus is great.
And that massacre on the highway of death, wasn't that a war crime?
George didn't do that.
That was Donald Trump.
Yeah.
And it wasn't a massacre.
Those folks shouldn't have been hanging around with bad folks.
It was us folks finding common ground with other folks.
He cut off the escape route of those folks and trapped them in the middle of the desert and blew those folks up.
It was very folksy.
War is all about folks compromising and reaching across the trenches to other folks and then burning them alive.
I'm late for the funeral.
Can't wait to sit with the Bush family and pretend like Donald Trump isn't there.
It'll be just like my eight years in office.
Michelle, bring your backpack because we're going to load up on lozenges.
So we showed you this story from last week from The Guardian from this guy named Luke Harding.
Luke Harding is a discredited journalist who wrote a book called Collusion.
He's just discredited by people who are actually not swallowing propaganda.
The establishment loves him.
He's not.
He's not.
If you lie on behalf of the establishment, which is what Luke Harding does and The Guardian, by the way, they won't.
There's never a price to pay ever.
You'll never be ever.
So.
So here we go.
So that's why all these people can every again.
It's like every month or two months.
So there's this big story.
We got him on Russiagate.
We got Trump on Russiagate.
And then everybody, everybody rushes and this is it.
And then it just, it just peters out.
Now, this didn't happen once.
It didn't happen twice.
This happened.
It's been happening every couple of months for two years.
This has happened over and over and over.
nobody ever gets discredited no matter how many bullshit stories they push and glenn greenwald makes a great point he said if this were just honest mistakes uh you would expect half the mistakes to be go one way and half the mistakes to go the other way but these aren't honest mistakes these are all every single one of the mistakes in the russagate reporting go The exact same way.
And what way is that?
The establishment narrative that this happened.
Nobody ever says, hey, we debunked it, and then they turned out to be wrong.
No.
It's always, we got them.
This is it again.
Same thing.
So Luke Harding and this guy, Dan Collins, they put this bogus article that should have never been allowed in The Guardian, but it was.
So here, so, and by the way, a lot of the news, we talked about it.
News organizations went out and re-reported this, this story.
This story, by the way, that isn't sourced.
And the establishment news sources, the news outlets that were reporting this story that the Guardian reported, they would use as their source the Guardian story, which is not sourced.
So a lot of people re-reported that.
It's just even people on YouTube.
Turns out a lot of people on YouTube just uncritically reported a conspiracy theory that has that it's not sourced.
And if you actually read the story, it's complete bullshit, even to me.
I could tell immediately it's bullshit because it said that Manafort met with Assange three times at the Ecuadorian embassy, except nobody has a picture of it.
Nobody has a video of it, and he was never even logged in.
And by the way, his passport was never stamped.
Even I could figure that one out.
So here's what in Consortium News, Kalin Johnson says: if it wasn't obvious to you last week that there is an unelected power establishment which needs, above all else, to control the public narrative about what's going on in the world, it should certainly be obvious to you this week.
Not only because of this story, but because of what happened to Mark Lamont Hill.
He wasn't told the truth about Israel and CNN immediately fired him.
The Guardian hit piece was so spectacularly desperate in its overreaching to advance a narrative which has been used to manufacture support for longtime CIA slash MI6 agendas, like arresting Julian Assange, stopping WikiLeaks, censoring the internet, and subverting Russia, that it completely exposed itself as the establishment psyop firm that it is.
So let me just, let me just, because that is such a powerful paragraph.
It bears repeating, so let's do it.
The Guardian hit piece was so spectacularly overreaching in its overreaching to advance a narrative which has been used to manufacture support for longtime CIA MI6 agendas.
They were so spectacularly overreaching in their propaganda that they completely exposed themselves as an establishment psyop firm that it is.
So there was a time when there was a thing called the Church Committee here in the United States.
And what it did was it exposed the CIA's infiltration into all our newsrooms.
Isn't that great?
Your own government is propagandizing you constantly through the news.
Just like what I was brought up to believe that the communist governments did.
That's what Russia is supposed to be doing.
So there it is.
They so spectacularly overreached in its propaganda pushing to smear Julian Assange that it exposed itself as an establishment psyop firm.
And it did.
Forever, the Guardian will be compromised over this.
Forever.
Former Guardian employee Jonathan Cook explains that from what he learned while working at The Guardian, the most likely explanation is that the editors permitted the article to be published because its anonymous sources came from within an intelligence or defense agency.
So this is what we've told you, what establishment news does.
They just repeat uncritically words from government officials, and they call that reporting.
That's called stenography.
So, hey, a spook inside of a paid liar inside of a spook agency said this happened.
Did you check it?
No, we reprinted it.
That's what we did.
He goes on, this is from that guy, Jonathan Cook, who worked for The Guardian.
He says, I've worked for The Guardian for a number of years and know well the layers of checks that any highly sensitive story has to go through before publication.
In that lengthy process, a variety of commissioning editors, lawyers, backbench editors, and the editor herself, Kath Vinner, would normally insist on cuts to anything that could not be rigorously defended or corroborated.
So normally with the normal story, it's very rigorous.
They're fact-checking and how you have to have to have established facts and evidence.
And we cut out anything that could not be rigorously defended and corroborated.
They would cut it out.
Well, that didn't happen in that story because the whole thing's bullshit from start to finish.
And yet this piece seems to have been casually waved through, given a green light, even though its profound shortcomings were evident to a range of well-placed analysts and journalists from the outset.
Isn't that weird?
So everybody who normally fact checks this stuff knows it's bullshit, knows we're doing it differently, but we're going to print it anyway.
Why would you do that?
Why would you do that?
I don't know, church committee, anybody?
Cointel Pro, anybody?
Because you are an arm of the Western intelligence agencies, the CIA and the MI6.
Maybe that's why.
That at the very, that at the very least hints that the Guardian thought they had insurance on this story.
Insurance is in quotes.
The Guardian thought they had insurance on this story.
And the only people who could have promised that kind of insurance are the security and intelligence services, presumably of Britain, the United States, and Ecuador.
So why did it get printed?
Because it came right from the CIA, MI6, and the Ecuadorians' version of CIA.
And they just reprinted it uncritically because they are a PSYOP organization of the intelligence agencies.
The Guardian is just completely no integrity.
They have absolutely no credibility now on any of this stuff.
But it's not going to hurt them because remember, they're lying at the behest of the establishment.
If they got caught getting a story wrong about the CIA exposing them, they would be forever pilloried.
That's not going to happen here because, again, they're lying on the behalf of the establishment.
After that article in The Guardian got totally debunked, we did it here because I saw so many people reporting it uncritically, even on YouTube.
That was mind-blowing.
And not just one place, multiple places.
Turns out a lot of people who say they're progressive are really, really secret right-wingers, Ron.
You know that?
It's very nice.
A lot of people are using that term progressive.
Hakeem Jeffries calls himself a progressive.
He's against Medicare for all.
That's why it's important we tell everybody how bogus and what an oxymoron pragmatic progressive is, first of all.
But people have been co-opting the term regardless.
Yeah.
So then after that story got debunked, political, politico.
So now you see how the coordination works.
It's not just one Western news outlet in bed with the intelligence agencies doing their bidding, propaganda, like The Guardian.
Then Politico, Prince, an even more unbelievably bullshit story.
But theirs is funnier.
Politico showed up with the comedy.
The Guardian dropped the ball on the left.
Not a lot of ha-has.
No, not funny from start to finish.
This is good.
Gutbuster.
They had a, they had, so it's written by, if you see right there, by Alex Finley.
Do you know who Alex Finley is?
Great comic.
He mixes in magic and he has a speech impediment, which people, oh, no, that's a different comic.
Alex Finley isn't a real person.
You mean under the Law and Order segment?
Under the Law and Order segment of Politico, they got a fake person to write a story saying that it was the Russian intelligence that duped the Guardian into writing that story.
Even I couldn't make this shit up.
Even I couldn't.
Like, that's the joke.
That's the joke we do, right?
That's the joke we all do.
It goes, oh, God, I can't find my keys.
Fucking Russia.
Yeah.
Yeah, here it is.
Yeah, here it is.
So they're doing it.
Did someone plant a story tying Paul Mana for?
Did someone plant a story?
Yeah, it was the intelligence agencies and the CIA, the MI6, and the Ecuadorian intelligence agency.
They didn't plant it.
They gave it to Luke Harding, and he fucking printed it.
And their editors went right along with it.
Why?
Because you're all bought and corrupted.
That's why, again, we have a show.
That's why they suck.
I remember.
I'm old enough to remember when The Guardian didn't suck.
Right.
It was reliable.
One of my favorite guys writes for them, Thomas Frank.
He's writing something on populism for them right now.
I'm sure that'll be fantastic.
It'll be sourced.
Harding is likely, so get this.
This is what they say.
By this, this pretend person.
That's not a real person.
That's an ex-CIA person with a fake name.
That's who that is.
That's who this Alex Fidley is.
It's an ex-CIA spook with a fake name.
And oh, I'll straighten it out for you.
And by the way, this past muster over at Political's editors too.
Why don't they just put this on the fucking Washington Post front page?
Why fuck around with Politico and The Guardian?
Harding is likely a major target for anyone wrapped up in Russia's intelligence operation against the West's democratic institutions.
I'll read that again.
This is from this story.
They're saying that Russia's spies planted this and gave it to Luke Harding, who's already been shown to be a discredited liar.
Harding is likely a major target for anyone wrapped up in Russia's intelligence operation.
So they're saying, if you are wrapped up in Russia's intelligence operation against the West's democratic institutions, that's who went after Luke Harding.
People who are wrapped up in Russia's intelligence operation.
So people who are trying people who are trying to undermine the West's democratic institutions did this, meaning Russia.
That's what this.
Can you believe this fucking sentence?
This is an amazing set.
Who did it?
Somebody who's trying to undermine the Western's Democratic.
And who would be doing that?
We are here.
We just got back from changing Joyan Reed's blog.
And then it goes on.
He, meaning Luke Harding, this is the CIA spook defending Luke Harding, who is their tool.
So now they're stool pigeons.
We used to have stool pigeons.
Then they called them stoolies when I was a kid.
If you watch Beretta or if you watch Manix or you watch any of the cop shows, they had a stool pigeon.
Right?
So that's someone who, anyway, so that's what they're doing.
They're defending their stool pigeon.
He's just a tool who'll say whatever they want.
Luke Harding.
So Luke Harding has written a book about the Trump campaign ties to Russia, literally titled Collusion and literally without a fucking fact in it.
I showed you Aaron Matei interviewed Luke Harding.
Luke Harding literally hung up on the interview because he didn't want to answer questions about his bullshit book.
That's what a good reporter he is.
He had not one, one source that could corroborate collusion, not one.
And he was easily dismantled by Aaron Matei from the real news, and he hung up on him.
He hung up.
He left the interview.
Well, Aaron did ask that big gotcha question.
So was there a collusion?
Yeah, he kept asking.
So what was that?
So he says that Luke Harding has written a book about the Trump campaign's time to Russia, literally titled Collusion.
So that means that, whoa, this guy's a real target for Russia to try to dupe him.
So let's say Russia did dupe him.
Why did the editors print it?
Let's say he got fake.
But by the way, he didn't get duped.
This is all bullshit.
He's been writing this bullshit all along.
And listen to this to the story.
He goes, he's also written numerous stories, numerous articles related to the case.
Listen to the list that they give you.
Ready?
Including about the Steele dossier, which is fucking bullshit.
We showed you on the show.
Where did the Steele dossier come from?
It came from a spy in England who paid people inside the Kremlin to give them made-up stories about Trump.
We showed you Richard Engel told Rachel Maddow, I can't corroborate any of the stuff in here.
And she stopped the interview and moved on and said, well, it doesn't have to be true to blackmail you.
So this is what they look at all these important articles he's written about this.
The Steele dossier.
Russia's plans to rescue Assange from London and spirit him back away to Moscow.
Also completely.
No, no, I am working on Lada right now, Jimmy.
This is all that's a bullshit story.
And then he goes on, and then Russia's Novacek poisoning operation, also bullshit.
If you've looked into any of these stories, beside any of those stories, if you read beneath the headlines, they fall fucking apart.
Just like the stories that Assad is just about to win the war, he decided to gas his own people for no fucking reason.
Just like that, this made-up story.
And they look at all the bullshit stories they launched.
So you see so many of them.
One of them's got to be true.
That's how propaganda works.
You just keep saying it over and over and over and over.
And then they overeat so badly, they got exposed.
And now they're looking, now this spook is trying to convince everybody that Luke Harding isn't a fucking tool.
And also, so listen to how this reads.
Including the Steel dossier, Russia's plans to help rescue Hassan from London and spirit him away to Moscow, Russia's Novacek poisoning operation against Sergei Skirpal and a slew of other Russia is up to no good stories.
Like it even sounds stupid the way he puts it and a slew of Russia's up to no good.
What the fuck?
So it sounds like we're just throwing shit against the wall and seeing what sticks.
That's what that they put it in there like they don't realize also that looks horrible for them.
Here's what Glenn Greenwald said.
He said, even after two hours after I read it, I still can't believe that Political actually published an article by an ex-CIA agent under a fake name saying that if the Guardian's blockbuster Assange Manafort story is false, it's Russia's fault.
Parroting the U.S. media at this point is futile.
Well, we're going to do it anyway, Glenn.
Sorry.
We're going to do it anyway.
We're going to do it anyway.
This is going on right in front of everyone's eyes.
Hitler did not have that hard of a time.
People are real go-along motherfuckers.
Most of the people on YouTube reported this uncritically.
Most of the pretend fake lefty outlets reported this.
This is amazing.
It's amazing how they can shit on Trump and Assange at the same time.
Even though Trump is actively trying to fucking kill Assange, wants him dead.
And Pompeo wants him arrested.
And the whole CIA wants to get him.
So how could that be?
How could Trump, how could you hate Trump and hate Assange?
And how could they be in collusion if you know goddamn well Trump is trying to put this motherfucker in jail?
Isn't that if they made some kind of a deal?
What did Julian get?
What did he get out of it?
Like, what did he get out of this deal?
Isolation.
Yeah.
And what they don't tell you in the press is the reason why they're going after Julian in that sealed indictment has nothing to do with the 2016 campaign.
It's got to do with the war crimes he revealed.
Okay.
Thanks for being a patron to this show because they're going to come for us sooner or later.
They're not fucking around.
They're willing to do bullshit like this.
This is after smearing us time and time again, the establishment media.
Will anyone ever call the Guardian conspiracy theorists?
No.
Is the Guardian going to lose their Facebook page over this for fake news?
No.
Because it's fake news that aids the establishment.
There's never a price to pay.
There's a price to pay for telling the truth about the establishment.
There's never a price to pay for lying for the establishment.
Hello, everybody.
This is Chuck Chuck Schumer, Master of the Senate.
And boy, do I ever have an important job opportunity for you.
I, Master of the Senate, seek full-time, unpaid press interns to work in my office in the fifth most expensive place to live, Washington, D.C. Do you have your pencil and notepad ready?
Okay, here goes.
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorrickComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written.
That's right, it was written by Frank Connoff, Jim Earl, Ron Placone, Steph Samurano, and Mark Van Landowicz.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out!
I'm not kidding.
Don't freak out!
Don't freak out.
Do not, do not.
Do not not freak.
You do not freak.
Do not freak out.
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