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Aug. 18, 2017 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:00:46
20170818_0817_TJDS_PODCAST
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Time Text
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
I don't recognize this number.
Who could this be?
Hello?
Hello, Jimmy.
Happy to be with you.
Herman Kane.
Wow, how's it going, buddy?
Thank you so much for having me, Jimmy.
You're welcome, I guess.
So pleased to be here.
Okay, but you called me.
This is an unsolicited phone call.
News nugget.
What?
Today's edition of news you can lose.
Disheartening and disgusting.
The events of last weekend in Charlottesville.
Oh, absolutely.
Now that you're on the line, I'm interested in what you might have to say about Charlottesville.
Disheartening, Jimmy.
Disheartening and disgusting.
It reminds me of when I first became president of Godfather's Pizza.
How's that?
Well, as you may not know, most fast food franchises have what is called an operational mantra.
In the case of Godfathers, ours was SCQ.
S-C-Q.
That stood, what?
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Sorry.
Don't interrupt me.
I'm trying to explain an abbreviation to your dumbass.
SCQ.
That stood for service, cleanliness, and quality.
Okay, where are you headed with this, Herman?
S for service provided to the customers.
C for cleanliness of the restaurant.
Yes.
And of course, Q for quality of product.
Okay, but what does this have to do with Charlottesville?
Hang on, Jimmy.
Airplane hasn't left the runway yet.
All right, all right.
Mantra is a Sanskrit word meaning sacred utterance.
And your company must embody that message, especially when taken to the streets.
If those marchers wanted to be successful in making their message heard, they should have considered the first letter, S for service.
And I would usually tack on another S for smile.
None of those faces in the front of the crowd would ever be fit to serve the clientele of Godfathers, you understand?
Lots of weak chins in that group.
If they weren't at my restaurant, I would have had them reassigned at the back of the kitchen to great cheese, clean out the mop bucket and whatnot.
Service means greeting the customer with a smile and a happy face.
Really not following you here, Herman.
What customer?
C is for cleanliness.
Now, you and I might have differing definitions of what cleanliness means.
Mr. Kane, not really a parallel example comparing those lunatics to employees at a pizza restaurant.
Now, let me finish.
The second letter is C. Cleanliness of the restaurant.
No, no, I'm sorry, Herman.
I gotta stop you.
This is a sick exercise, and I don't appreciate you giving any pointers to those racist idiots.
Do you even understand metaphor, Jimmy?
Yeah.
You're just another lib trying to silence those who speak out against violence on both sides.
The Dems and the Libs and some Republicans and the media and most folks on Twitter twisting the president's words, condemning his condemnation.
That's ludicrous.
What's ludicrous is your willingness to conflate Nazis with the people standing up to Nazis.
Now you're wordsmithing me, Jimmy Dore.
Like Trump said, there was violence on many sides.
There were those creating violence in Charlottesville and those creating violence in Durham.
Pulling down a statue.
Again, again, those aren't equal, Herman.
Destruction of property is not violence.
Tearing down those Confederate monuments was an attempt by the Dems and the Libs to erase our national history.
And making people ignorant of the past does not make them smarter.
Don't you think the Confederacy is a shameful part of America's past and that it shouldn't be memorialized with statues?
Need I remind you that there are no statues of Hitler in Germany, only memorials for the victims of the Holocaust.
People are upset with Trump because equating real Nazis with those who oppose Nazism is an important, shameful position for a president of the United States to take.
Rather than worrying about whether Trump said this or that or that or this or this thing or that or that over there up here or down there or around the corner or this thing that no one cares about, we need to focus on the right issue.
We need to focus on the right issue, which is that we have a strong leader in the White House.
Dems and libs are criticizing him just because he didn't get the words exactly right.
Exactly.
When I took over Godfather's Pizza, we were headed for bankruptcy.
And it was my job to turn that ship around.
Yes, I got criticized.
Yes, I got second guessed.
But when you are the man in charge, you have to do what you feel is best, which in Trump's case is siding with neo-Nazis, okay?
Herman, it's becoming more evident with each passing day of Trump's administration that there are actual white supremacists in the White House, Nazis, which should be beyond unacceptable to Americans.
The people still defending Trump at this point sound like Nazi apologists.
Are you a Nazi apologist?
999!
Before I go, one more thing.
What?
I'm still going to get with that wife of yours.
All right.
I forgot to say dirty shit during this call.
Hey, it's the Jimmy Dore Show, the show for the kind of people that are.
Commence maybe on tearing down our nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
And now, there's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's Jimmy Dore show.
It's coming for you live.
Live from Burbay Comedy Festival.
That's right.
This was recorded live in front of the live studio audience that was live on August 16th.
That's right.
So let's get there.
What's coming up on today's show?
Where we're going to examine Trump's press conference and only the way we can in front of a live audience.
And then Trump embarrasses his base.
We take a look at that.
Also, Brian Williams, still handsome as ever.
And we tackle the question, how do you fight Nazis?
How are progressives supposed to fight Nazis?
Plus, we got phone calls today.
Well, you already heard Herman Cain.
Plus, Mitt Robney and Barack Obama calls it.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's today of the Jibby Doer Show.
So here's Trump yesterday.
Let's just get into it.
Here he is yesterday.
I like how this is not a good sign when you have to say this during a...
When you have to say, I didn't know David Duke was there.
Things can only go one way from there.
All right, so here he goes.
Here we go.
I wanted to see the facts.
He wanted to see the facts.
Trump's all about the facts.
And the facts are, the facts, he's all about the facts.
And the truth is, Rodney King looked angry.
It's a sophisticated joke.
It made me laugh really hard.
It's just weird.
Trump wants the facts.
Here's a guy who took an ad out in the newspaper wanting the death penalty for five black kids who turned out to be innocent, and he has still yet to apologize.
But he just wants the facts.
That's Trump.
He just wants to do that.
Okay, ready?
Here we go.
When you say the alt-right, define alt-right to me.
Okay, so now she's going to define alt-right for him, and watch how fast he stops talking.
Find it.
Go ahead.
Senator McCain defined them as the same group.
And what about she started?
Well, the Senator.
Okay, fuck it.
You're going to do it.
All right.
Actually, you're going to do it.
Let me ask you another question.
All right, here we go.
What about the alt-left that came charging at the, as you say, the alt-right?
Do they have any semblance of guilt?
This is true.
Let me ask you this.
What about the fact they came charging that they came charging with clubs in their hand, swinging clubs?
Do they have any problem?
Yeah, see, he wants the facts.
Man, there was a guy who drove a car into a group of peaceful protesters.
Maybe, hey, I want the facts.
Maybe, maybe the car was provoked.
I think they do.
I'm sorry.
So, is he saying the alt-left attacked the alt-right?
I'm going to have to say, um, sorry we scared you, skinheads.
Well, I remember the first time the alt-left attacked the alt-right.
It was Normandy.
I thought that's what you're supposed to say.
Well, you're supposed to do that when you see a fucking Nazi.
That's what I thought.
I don't know.
Screw me.
I'm all World War II and shit.
Isn't that funny?
It's like, yeah, that's the.
By the way, it's fucked.
The alt-left that was started by Sean Hannity and it was picked up by the corporatist Democrats, right?
Like Marcos Milakos and Nira Tandin and Joan Walsh, right?
So they use the alt-left to mean people who want single-payer.
Oh, fucking, just like Nazis.
Just like Nazis.
You want single-payer?
What kind of communist prick are you?
What is that?
Although they do have single-payer in Russia and free college, so I don't know what exceptionalism.
Anyway, so here we go.
I watched those very closely, much more closely than you people watched it.
And you have, you had a group.
He wants the facts, ladies and gentlemen.
This is a guy who started the birther movement.
He wants the fucking facts, ladies and gentlemen.
On one side that was bad, and you had a group on the other side that was also very violent.
And nobody wants to say that, but I'll say it right now.
You had a group, you had a group on the other side that came charging in without a permit, and they were very, very violent.
Oh, we need permits.
Okay.
How could you not have a permit when you're going to go fight a fucking Nazi?
Same thing happened when the.
That's what I was like.
General Patton, come here, let me see your paperwork.
Same thing happened when the Indians took down Custard.
No fucking permits.
No permit.
No permits.
Fucking Native Americans.
That's what they do.
Just whoop, whoop, whoop, whoa, we don't have to do that.
No permits.
They were the alt-indigenous, and it was bullshit.
Such bullshit.
The alt-indigenous.
Gorgeous.
Gorgeous.
Hashtag alt-indigenous.
It's worth doing tonight's show just to get that light.
Let's listen a little bit more.
Do you think that what you call the alt-left is the same as neo-Nazis?
Oh, those people, all of those people, excuse me, I've condemned neo-Nazis.
I've condemned many different groups.
Not all of them.
Nazis.
And by condemning, I mean I've virtue signaled to them many times.
I've let them know what they're doing.
I'm fucking okay with it.
By condemning, I mean going, those people were neo-Nazis.
Believe me.
Not all of those people were white supremacists by any stretch.
Let me just say this.
Chris Rock actually said this.
If there's 10 Nazis marching and you decide to march with them, you're a fucking Nazi.
Okay?
That's just the way it goes.
Wait a minute, Jimmy, maybe I had a permit to just walk on the street the same day as my Nazi brethren?
Well, we all had permits.
Yeah.
Well, then I guess you're a good person.
You don't have to look to pull off that joke.
All right, let's listen to a little more.
It's just crazy that he says he wants the facts.
I like to get the facts from a guy who called Trump University a university.
Trump likes facts so much, he had his administration create alternative ones.
Are you putting what you're calling the alt-left and white supremacists on the same moral plane?
I'm not putting anybody on a moral plane.
What I'm saying is...
Ha ha ha!
If we had moral planes, this would fuck Mike's argument up, okay?
No one's getting on a moral plane because I have a travel ban.
So nobody's...
They're a detriment to our country.
You had a group on one side and you had a group on the other and they came at each other with clubs and it was vicious and it was horrible and it was a horrible thing to watch.
I said that about Auschwitz.
I was like, what?
Why can't the Jews be nicer when they're trying to escape?
That's what I said.
What are they doing?
I know, it's dark humor.
Look what's happening.
Our president is this fucking KKK guy for what I've said.
What are you going to do?
You've got to make jokes.
But there is another side.
There was a group.
That's what I said, too.
That's what I said during World War II.
I was like, God damn it, I condemn violence by everybody.
The Nazis, the Jews, the Gypsies.
They're all fucked up.
I know, this is like we're making the same joke over and over, but it's fun.
Side, you can call them the left.
You've just called them the left.
That came violently attacking the other group.
So you can say what you want, but that's the way it is.
You said there was hatred, there was violence.
Well, I do think there's blame.
Yes, I think there's blame on both sides.
You look at both sides.
I think there's blame on both sides.
Yeah, I think there is blame on both sides.
There's blame on the Nazis, right?
And then there's the people who, you know, oppose them.
It's okay to oppose Nazis.
That's what you're supposed to do.
And by the way, when a bunch of guys wearing polo shirts and khaki Pants carrying torches go into a Virginia town to protest a statue.
You can be sure those guys aren't getting laid to fucking Friday night, okay?
You guys go give a shit about a fucking trophy.
Why don't you go try to bang someone, all right?
That's why I'm so angry.
That's what.
Maybe a nice Jewish girl.
That's so wrong.
I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, most girls, when a guy put a bloody gun in their hand, they would run and scream, but I gotta be honest, it kind of turned me on.
It's because you spent your day riding a banister.
All right, so there's more to this speech.
I don't know if you want to hear it.
I have no doubt about it, and you don't have any doubt about it either.
George Washington was a slave owner.
Was George Washington a slave owner?
So will George Washington now lose his status?
You're changing it.
So he's saying because the Robert E. Lee statue, well, so George Washington was also a slave owner.
Yeah, but we don't erect statues to George Washington to honor his slaveholding, right?
We erect statues to George Washington to honor his breaking from England and the king and leading us to a revolution which gave freedom to not everybody yet, but a lot of people.
That's what that was about.
So when you elect, when you erect a statue to Robert E. Lee, you're erecting a statue to a guy who's only famous because he fought a war for fucking slavery.
That's the only reason why you were elected that.
And by the way, that statue went up in 1920, right?
That was a statue there, so when the black guys who fought in World War I came back, that was going to let them know you're still a second-class citizen.
That's why they erected that fucking statue in the first place, okay?
So it's a big difference between a Confederate statue and a statue of Thomas Jefferson or a statue of George Washington.
Yes, it was, you know, during the time of slavery.
So that's a different thing.
That would be the, we're not honoring their adherence to the slavery of their day.
We're honoring their adherence to liberty, whereas you're honoring Robert Lee's adherence to his, you know, trying to fight for slavery.
Okay, let me get this straight.
But both the, but all these statues are of white guys?
Yes, but different reasons for different white guys.
They're bronze guys.
They're bronze.
They're brown.
Okay, all right.
Some are brass.
And they're right, they're right beside all the beautiful statues of Native Americans.
The altars.
You know, if you're getting young.
You know, now I'm starting to get upset.
So let's listen to a little more.
Street, you're changing culture, and you had people, and I'm not talking about the neo-Nazis and the white nationalists, because they should be condemned totally.
And someday I will.
Not today.
But not until after the next election.
You had many people in that group other than neo-Nazis and white nationalists, okay?
There were people in that rally, and I looked the night before.
If you look, they were people.
And he looked, but he didn't see David Duke.
Protesting very quietly.
They were protesting very quietly.
Because that's the whole point of protest, not to upset anyone.
Right?
Sometimes I protest right in my own house.
I hope I'm being quiet enough.
I'm not bothering anyone.
Am I bugging any of my neighbors?
If so, I'll keep it down.
I don't want to bug anybody with my fucking protest.
Are we being quiet enough with our khaki pants, polo shirts, and tiki torches?
And the thing that fucked up was that I didn't understand because last night, normally, my monthly tiki torch meeting happened, and everybody, I've got a lot of negative comments from people in the park.
I'm like, this is just a fucking tiki torch meeting.
Anyway, that's a shitty joke.
I know.
All right, let's see if you have anything else to say.
The taking down of the statue of Robert E. Lee.
I'm sure in that group there were some bad ones.
The following day, it looked like they had some rough, bad people.
Neo-Nazis, white nationalists, whatever you want to call them.
But you had a lot of people.
I want to call them your base.
Or your cabinet.
*laughter*
Dave Ryan has tearing it up.
People in that group that were there to innocently protest.
Okay, that's.
Oh, that's Brian Williams.
First of all, Brian Williams.
That damn, he always, he's leaning just correctly.
It's like he's getting ready to take his high school graduation photo, right?
He's looking at us all really seductively.
It's like we're all missiles or something.
He's horny.
You know he's popping and chubby.
You know it.
He does look like a suit model.
Anyway, I could never get my tie to look that good next to my shirt.
This looks like it came from the factory that way.
And then how does he not get any bronzing face tanner on that collar?
I don't know how the fuck he does that.
It's like a magic skill he has.
Graham, I wore a blue shirt.
I got that stuff off.
Yes.
He's wearing a white.
Can I be optimistic for just a minute?
Yeah.
You notice it says there, you're changing history and you're changing culture.
Yeah.
So what gets lost in all this is the fact that there was actually progress taking place in the fucking South.
Yeah, oh, sure.
It's like they tipped the fucking flag down.
They're taking the statues down, right?
There's a reason the Nazis are trying to defend something because it's being appropriately attacked and taken away.
So, so, right?
I just, you know, and it's weird because I, you know, I made jokes about being a Jew and I'm super un-Jewish.
Like, I happen to be Jewish.
But, you know, my mother's still angry at Germans.
She can't help herself.
She's of that age.
And you don't mind paying retail.
I don't mind paying.
I'm thrifty because I'm thrifty, not because I'm Jewish.
It's a different kind of fucking thing.
Yeah, you're a comedy club owner.
So I just want to say, you know, you're not supposed to have violence against.
There's violence on both sides.
This is like from 1944 or something.
This is Captain America.
Look at him.
Look at that violence.
Captain America beating the shit out of Hitler.
I don't know.
I like it.
Well, I want to know, does he have a permit?
That's my part of the early anti-Fa outfit.
Yes, right?
See, there's some bad ombres, but these guys are just quietly shooting a Uger Luger right into Captain America's dick.
And she's a fine Aryan sister who just wants to have a nice afternoon.
They're not protesting.
She's not protesting, And then here comes this liberal hothead steamrolling his goddamn socialism of everybody gets to go to school or whatever the fuck other nonsense he's talking about.
And then here's a nice older gentleman who has a nice little Charlie.
He's a Charlie Chaplin fan.
He's got a tie on.
He's got a nice tie.
He's dressed well.
He's got a strap on.
He looks like a person of interest.
Respectable.
Respectable, right?
Okay?
And I guess he ran out of space to make a full cross right here.
And here's a map.
He wants to go to the USA.
He wants to travel.
He's interested in different cultures.
And then this fucking asshole comes rolling in.
Violence.
That's what the left always does.
Violence.
So here.
Grab, that was like.
How about a hand for Graham Melwood doing that?
Oh, my God.
This is a great crowd.
NBC News tweeted this out.
This is his chief of staff, Kelly, listening to Trump during that press conference.
Have you seen this?
This is kind of fun.
Watch this.
I wanted to see the facts.
And the facts, as they started coming out, were.
So he's just kind of like, first of all, he looks like he's at a funeral.
It looks like he's like, oh, God.
It's nice to know he still has a certain amount of shame, right?
Yes.
Because that's what that is.
It's like this Kelly just got named the minister of conscience.
All right, here we go.
Very well slated.
In fact, everybody said his statement was beautiful.
If you would have made it sure that that would have been good.
I couldn't have made it sure because I didn't know.
He's thinking, I could have been a doctor.
He's just praying, please have a stroke.
Have a stroke right now.
Have a stroke.
That's the look you get when your friend is too drunk at the party.
Except your friend's the most powerful guy in the world.
Oh, God.
Sean Spicer told me not to fucking take this job.
He fucking told me.
He said, don't do it.
I know it seems like a lot of power.
These guys look like they're planning their next fantasy football draft in our head.
What about the middle guy?
That guy's there.
He's Jewish.
Frankly, people still don't know all of the white people.
It was very important for him.
Kelly's standing there just saying, please stop.
Please stop.
Please don't talk anymore.
And he won't stop.
He won't stop.
He's just like, oh, this bet Trump made with his friends is going way too far.
He's just the energizer bunny of stupidity.
It just keeps on going and going.
And I just want to tell people, you're right.
I just want to tell people that this is not a surprise.
So now there's some Republicans who are acting all, oh my God, this is horrible.
Like they didn't know it was coming.
Like, this is Trump.
We know who Trump is.
He was a birther even after Barack Obama produced his birth certificate.
Well, here, like, everybody knew who he was.
Here he is at the debates.
Listen.
I will let you respond.
That's important, but I just want to get the answer here.
The birth certificate was produced in 2011.
You continued to tell the story and question the president's legitimacy in 2012, 13, 14, 15.
Yeah.
I know how calendars work.
I kept doing it.
And I'm going to be fucking president.
So, and then when he said, I mean, he kicked off his campaign saying Mexicans were rapists and criminal.
I mean, that's how he kicked off his campaign.
And then he said that the Mexican judge couldn't be a judge because he was Mexican.
This is true.
Well, here's Jake Tapper.
That's his real name, not his porn name.
Here he is.
Jake Tapper is going to ask him about that.
When Hillary Clinton says this is a racist attack, and you reject that, if you are saying he can't do his job because of his race, is that not the definition of racism?
I don't think so at all.
Is it water wet?
I don't think so.
I don't buy it.
I don't buy it.
That's what they want you to think.
How about when you refuse to rent to black people?
Is that racism?
Is that racist?
No, no, no, no.
No, that's not.
Well that's just gerrymandering on a local scale.
So now we're getting, like, so Paul, they're denouncing Trump, but they're not denouncing Trump.
They're denouncing the neo-Nazis and the white supremacists, but not Trump and his, you know, embracing of them, right?
And so I just want to tell all those.
So what the Democrats need to do now is make Trump stick to the Republicans like glue.
And that's how you take over the House and the Senate like that in 2018.
And then we get a progressive in there in 2020.
This is the same shit I've been saying all along.
This is what it's going to should fucking happen.
Yes?
So this is over now for the Republican Party.
I heard a Republican today on NPR saying, do the Republicans start all over with a new party?
That's literally what they're saying today.
That's what they're saying.
So what the Democrats need to do is make Trump stick to the Republicans who are running for Congress and running for Senate, but you know they won't.
Because Hillary Clinton already didn't do that, right?
She already said that Trump isn't like a regular Republican, which the fucking Democrats down ballot told her not to do that.
She already did that.
And that's why the Democrats are now saying, oh, I missed George Bush.
That's the wrong thing to do.
You're normalizing war criminals because you don't like fucking Donald Trump.
And that is bullshit.
Thank you.
And my whole point is, no, it's too late.
It's too late for the Republicans to try to distance themselves from Donald Trump because of what he did yesterday.
Because he's been doing that shit since he got in public life.
He hammered Barack Obama like a racist that he is for his birth certificate for four years.
You know what that long-form birth certificate.
You know what that is.
That's that thing nobody ever heard of until we got a black president.
Did you have your long-form birth certificate?
I have my long birth certificate.
I keep it in my wallet right next to my KKK cards.
In case they ever get pulled over and driving through Ferguson.
You know what I'm talking about.
So my whole point, did you have something to say anybody?
I was going to say it's the alt-birth certificate.
My whole point is, Democrats are foolish.
And because they will do it, though, to let Republicans run away from Donald Trump.
It's going to be a tough thing for them because their base still supports Donald Trump.
So watch, watch the Republicans do mental gymnastics and tweet themselves into pretzels, trying to run as a conservative and as a Donald Trump supporter, but distance themselves from his racism.
And I'm telling you, the only thing the Republicans have going for them is they're running against Democrats.
You don't know how to take advantage of this situation.
Thank you.
So he's been like this all along.
This isn't anything new.
And so they knew who he was.
Even Donald Trump admitted who he was.
He admitted.
You knew damn well I was a snake before you took me in.
Does that make sense then?
Yes, that makes fucking sense.
It's no secret who this guy was.
And they all rallied around him anyway.
Ted Cruz wrote that calls for him to get people to vote for him.
So even his staunchest critics in the Republican Party went along with Donald Trump and they knew who he was.
So this is the test of the Democrats to see if they can do one thing politically correct, make Donald Trump stick to the Republican Party.
And if they can do it, they'll take over the Congress in 2018.
But you and I both know that they are fucking losers.
And what they're going to do is reach out to regular Republicans and go, this is a regular Republic.
You need to reach across the aisle and work with not Donald Trump.
He's bad.
They still want to focus on that.
You know, they're going to do that.
And they're going to do that.
and they're going to normalize regular Republicans who were in the tank for him anyway.
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I'm here to let you know about how I shave.
Are you interested?
I use the Dollar Shave Club shaver, and it's just a couple of bucks a month, and they send you the blades.
So if you want to get your razor blades, your razors and blades through the mail for a limited time, new members for the Dollar Shave Club, you can get your first month of the executive razor with a tube of Dr. Carver's shave butter.
Have you had that?
For only $5, and that comes with free shipping.
After that, raises just a few bucks a month.
It's really quite a deal.
I love the Dollar Shave Club.
And it's just every month, there's your razors.
There's the great handle.
By the way, that's a $15 value, and you get it for $5.
You get the executive razor with a tube of Dr. Carver's shave butter.
And guess what?
In your first month's box, you're going to get an awesome weighty handle, a full cassette of four cartridges, and a tube of their shave butter.
That's what I mean.
This weighty handle.
That's a nice handle.
After your first month, replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price, and there's no hidden fees, no commitments.
You can cancel any time.
So you can only get this offer, though, if you go to dollarshaveclub.com slash Jimmy.
That's really, go to dollarshaveclub.com slash jimmy.
That's dollarshaveclub.com slash Jimmy.
And that's how you get this great deal.
Dollar Shave Club.
Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash Jimmy.
You got to do the slash Jimmy.
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Hey, everybody, this is the part of the show where I usually tell you to go to our Amazon.com link.
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Well, you can become a premium member.
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We have a Patreon link.
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Now let's get on to the second half.
*Bell rings* Jimmy Door Productions Limited, a division of AMC, subsidiary of Amazon, now available in edible podcast form at your local Whole Foods.
How may I help you?
Jimmy, Governor Mitt Romney here.
I'm horning on the horn, giving you a buzz on the ringer.
I'm connected on the connector, Hector.
Mitt Rom swinging the pom-pom on the Tom Tom, Bimbom.
I'm rigging your dial playing all the hits.
Playing some jolly hip-hop pop pipe hype in your hood, Nood.
Giving you a tease with my squeeze, so to speak.
I'm here for you.
Badmitting anyone?
Oh, that doesn't sound good.
Mitt Romney, thank you for calling.
Anything new happening?
Oh, yes, my friend.
There's a lot of heavy shit going down lately.
May we talk?
Of course.
Go ahead.
Oh, fine.
That's just swell.
Hey, before we begin, may I just say that I really love the fact that you have a gigantic forehead?
I mean, not gigantic, but abnormally large.
You know, out of place with the rest of civilized society.
But sincerely, I still totes think you're a swell egg.
But I never let you near my property or my family, Dick.
Yeah, I understand.
Great.
We know where both of us Stand and now we can get down to brass tacks.
Or as my mom used to say, shit or get off the can, Mittens.
I'm calling in light of what happened at Charlottesville to tell the world that racism is not a good thing.
I hope that doesn't cross the line on your highly gratifying entertainment program popular with the kids and whatnot.
No, not at all, Mitt.
But I want to go even further than that, Jimmy.
Now, hear me out on this and tell me if it's crazy.
No, both sides are not the same.
One side is racist, bigoted, Nazi.
The other opposes racism and bigotry.
They're morally different universes.
I tweeted that.
Wow, that's something, Mitt.
Thanks for saying that, considering you wanted to be in Donald Trump's administration.
Thank you, Jimmy.
And I meant what I said, but I still think the bottom 47% are shithels.
What inspired you to tweet that about Charlottesville?
I thought it was important to one-up the bushes.
All George W. and his dad said was they reject racial hatred in all forms.
Pretty windy, right?
I mean, they could be talking about anything, but I pinned it down specifically, didn't I?
That's right.
You made it about Trump's racist false equivalency.
Now, being a Republican, that was pretty brave of you.
Oh, God, do you think he's mad at me?
Because I want you to know that I wasn't talking about the bottom 47% because they're still all a bunch of shitheels.
I think he's mad at everybody, Mitt.
I wouldn't really worry about it.
I'd still take a job from him, though.
You know that, don't you?
I need to feel wanted and useful.
I have a legacy to think of.
But you're always in demand, aren't you?
Oh, sure.
Say, by the way, if you received an automated telephone call from a travel agency offering a free cruise with Carnival Royal Caribbean cruise lines, did you know you may be eligible to receive a benefit from a class action settlement?
Oh, Mitt, you're not working for one of those big law firms, are you?
Oh, heck.
Mitt.
Oh, Jeepers, Jimmy.
Well, holy Shimocha, buddy.
You really know how to kick a billionaire when he's down.
All I wanted to do was make the point that this kind of hate has no place in the Republican Party.
You know, as long as some of the other guys are saying the same thing, I'll even go a step further by saying there's no room for racists in our party.
Except when the whole country hates somebody like Asians or the Irish again.
Then we'll go along with it.
Until then, we don't want any racists.
We don't want their votes, but we'll still take their money.
We're not stupid.
Are you working on any projects lately, Mitt?
Oh, my stars.
Let's see.
Oh, there's my curb spec script.
In this episode, Larry does something very embarrassing in a public area, and people react badly to it.
And all the shouting is in caps.
That way, whoever reads it knows it's funny.
Can we expect any more hard-hitting critiques of Donald Trump's behavior?
Only if his poll numbers stay below 34, you big Mahoney.
Say, will you give the wifey a big kissy for me?
I gotta go.
The landscapers are here, and they always blow orchid dust on my ceramic elephants.
Okay, bye.
Smell you later.
And the bottom 47% are shit heels.
Music I don't know what this is.
Oh, wow.
Hello, Doctor.
Hey there.
Give me the news.
Come on.
That's my guy.
Headline.
Give it to me soft and hard.
What?
I'm sorry.
I'll take your update any day of the week.
Breaking news, please.
Don't break the news, but don't break my heart.
I'll ride in any fake helicopter you got, cowboy.
Shoot at me.
So dare you.
Oh, your rocket is beautiful.
Go, boo.
Oh, look at it light up the night sky, Doctor.
I am guided by the glory of your suit.
You want to come back to my place and spin some Leonard Cohen?
Oh, the strength of your jaw.
I mean, he's got it all.
He's got the bedroom eyes.
He's got the strong shoulders.
He's got the strong jaw.
It's like, damn it.
I don't know.
Do I still love Jude Law or is it this guy now?
This guy's got to go.
Look at the bed.
He's got to tilt the eyes up.
The whole fucking thing going on.
This guy, talk about, talk about someone who knows how to bring you the news, huh?
He dyes his hair, but listen leaves the temples a little gray.
Because it's a little bit of wisdom.
That's ah!
Isn't that what you do?
That's right.
I feel like he's getting ready to spank me with the news.
Oh, you need some dirty news.
Who's but a bad little corporate news watcher?
It's me.
Go ahead and fake it to my fake news.
This is fun.
I didn't know we were going to do this, but this is a good time.
It's always the unexpected fun that's most fun, right?
That's fantastic.
I just look at him for a while.
Oh, God, look at that guy, huh?
That's a fucking newsman.
That is a square-shouldered, strong-jawed motherfucker fucking newsman.
How come he can't be our president?
God, I'd vote for that in a heartbeat.
So he said, of course, he got in trouble because he said that he was on a helicopter that took enemy fire, and then, of course, it didn't.
And then NBC News threw him under the bus.
And then he said that bus took rocket fire.
Briar Williams.
He's a straight shooter.
So he has, so if it's one of the things, So he's got this to say about this.
Something she said in the moment on the air.
Remember as you watch this, this was the communications director for President Bush 43 and a lifelong Republican.
Who resigns?
Who resigns every vest?
Who resigns?
She's holding up the David Duke tweet.
That's what she's talking about.
Who resigns over that?
Who resigns?
Which one of you can't live with yourselves for working for a guy that elicits praise from David Duke?
Which one?
Who?
Tell me, who resigns?
Master is a general.
Dina Powell used to be an executive on Wall Street.
I mean, Kelly Conway owned a company.
His kids used to live in.
What did they do?
You know, Nicole Wallace, who resigned says the person who aided and abetted fucking war criminals.
Isn't that weird?
If there's anything that drives me nuts about Donald Trump, and there's a lot that drives me nuts about Donald Trump, but the thing is, is how the Democrats allow it to rehabilitate fucking people who stood up for war criminals.
It's gross.
They're best friends, they're best buddies now with Nicole Wallace and with Steve Schmidt, who brought you Sarah Palin for fuck's sake, right?
I saw last night.
I saw Rachel Meadows say, I couldn't wait to get your moral clarity, Steve Smith.
Steve Schmidt!
Who brought you to Sarah fucking Palin?
That's who they're looking for.
And I saw we saw Nancy Pelosi say, oh, I wish for long for the days of George Bush.
So this is what Donald Trump has done to the corporate Democrats and the corporate media.
It's made them openly long for war criminals, ladies and gentlemen.
Why?
Not because Donald Trump is an asshole, because Donald Trump doesn't go along with the establishment priorities.
That's what that is all about.
Because Dick Cheney's an asshole.
You don't get a bigger asshole than Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney was asked, hey, the American people don't agree with the Iraq and the war in Iraq.
And you know what he said?
He said so.
So don't tell me that this is about somebody being an asshole.
This is about someone not going along with the establishment and the plutocrats.
That's what this is about.
And it's so fucking shitty that it has to be Donald Trump to do this.
That's ah!
Oh, yeah.
She got Nicole Wallace, who was the spokesperson for George Bush, a fucking bona fide war criminal.
They got Nicole Wallace to weigh out in this because you know why?
Because George Wallace wasn't available, apparently.
All right, sorry, go ahead.
I think Melania is the one who's trying to resign.
MSNBC forgetting about the Iraq War since we fired the people who were right about it.
And you're so right about the lack of moral clarity on any of this.
You know, it's like we're all outraged that, you know, 500 Nazis marched in Virginia, but we did go to war based on bullshit.
How many people, we drove a car, and that's horrible, but how many people died from drone attacks, you know, the same fucking day that nobody in the press even covers or talks about, and nobody pays any attention to.
Okay.
You wanna know why?
You want to know why this country is on the verge of bankruptcy, regardless of what number the Dow industrial is?
That's the reality is that we're on the verge of bankruptcy because they took all of our wealth and they pilfered it and they stole it.
And that's just the reality of it.
That is the reality.
And all of this is just a game show, right, to keep everybody distracted and point fingers and find somebody else to hate and dotted in the gut.
That's exactly what this is, Dave.
Wow, you're exactly right.
Dave Brighton, the Jews dealing it right tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight's show is called Jew Gets It Right.
I'm not right because I'm Jewish.
I just happen to be right.
So you're an alt-Jew.
I am an alt-Jew.
That is correct, my friend.
I like that alt-Jew.
The alt-Jew.
I don't like bobbing people in an open-air prison.
So people like to blame me for Donald Trump, right?
And people all the time do it, by the way.
You got to take responsibility for this.
You told people not to vote for it.
You know what I say to people when they tell me that?
I go, you're goddamn right I take responsibility.
I'm very fucking powerful.
I made sure Hillary lost.
And if you piss me off anymore, I am going to throw the next election too.
Thank you.
Progressives have the power.
It's like they're admitting we have the power, yet they won't be nice to us.
Isn't that where it's like those motherfuckers?
Are you happy now?
You didn't vote for Hillary?
Are you fucking happy?
Are you happy now you weren't nicer to me?
Isn't that weird?
It's like, again, Hillary Clinton was the only politician in the history of the world who wasn't expected to garner votes by campaigning.
You're just supposed to give her your vote, and if you didn't, it was your moral failing.
Every other election, it's the fucking person that's the politicians failing, except Hillary Clinton.
Every election Hillary Clinton ever ran from the day she announced her campaign.
This is true.
This is true.
She went down in the polls.
From the moment she announced to the election day, she went down.
She doesn't have the ability to raise her poll numbers, which is why when she was told she was losing in Michigan, she didn't go to Michigan.
Do you know that she knew she was going to lose Michigan?
And she didn't go there because she said it would signal that we were weak in Michigan.
Baby, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I thought the reason she didn't go to Michigan was Jill Stein and Putin and you were all just blocking entrance into Michigan.
That's what I thought.
It's the Jimmy Dore Michigan wall.
We all know about that.
Oh, that Jimmy Dore Michigan wall is a bitch.
It includes Wisconsin.
And Pennsylvania.
It's a fucked up wall.
It's like one of those Japanese walls that unfolds.
So here's a guy, Nicholas Kristoff from the New York Times.
He has the balls to actually admit the truth, and he says this about this.
He has contributed to Donald Trump's rise in the Republican Party, noting the $1.9 billion worth of free publicity Donald Trump has received from the media.
$1.2 billion in free media they gave to Donald Trump.
And they have the balls to wag their finger at progressives for not supporting a war-mongering corporatist.
Yes, they do have the balls to do that because it throws the dogs off the scent again of who's really responsible for Donald Trump being president, which would be your corporate media and the DNC, which elevated him saying the Pied Piper theory.
Yeah, that would be who's responsible.
Not for people who voted their conscience.
Okay, here we go.
Christophe wrote, Trump's pattern of prevarication is what we in the media, especially television, didn't adequately highlight, leaving many voters with the perception that Trump is actually a straight shooter.
We in the media empowered a demagogue and failed the country.
We're lapdogs, not watchdogs.
They were lapdogs.
Oh, where have I heard that before?
Maybe the Jimmy Dorch.
Yeah, so they're supposed to be the watchdogs to power, but they turn out to be the lapdogs of power.
Why?
Because they're owned by the fucking people they're supposed to be investigating.
That's why.
They're all owned by the people they're supposed to be investigating.
And what does that lead to?
That leads to CBS calling a terrorist who killed somebody with his car James Fields Jr., 20 of Ohio, has been charged in a fatal wreck.
A fatal wreck.
That's like calling 9-11 a fatal plane crash.
That's exactly what they're doing.
A fatal wreck?
Oh, yeah, it was an accident.
That makes it sound like it was an accident.
He accidentally got in his car in fucking Ohio and then drove to Virginia with no ideas in his head whatsoever.
And then he fucking smashed into a crowd full of people and killed a woman.
Isn't that weird?
It was such a fatal wreck.
Such a fatal wreck.
No, that's called a murder.
That's called terrorist attack.
That's what that's called.
Can you imagine if those terror attacks were those guys in Europe where they just jumped in trucks and did this exact same thing?
If they just said, fatal wreck.
Oh, a Muslim guy just got in a fatal wreck.
Can you fucking imagine how fucking freaked out this stupid hillbilly cracker country would fucking react to this shit?
You mean, you mean that?
You mean that fatal wreck that happened in Nice France?
Remember that fatal wreck?
A guy just, I don't know, slippery roads, I guess.
He fatally wrecked his semi into 80 people.
So here, and by the way, here's the most disgusting thing: the corporate Democrats decided to take this.
Yeah, right?
So here's Near Tand in the worst of the worst, the center for the Center for American Progress, which is supposed, they call it a liberal think tank, which lets you know why I don't call myself a liberal.
And if you call yourself a liberal, I would call yourself to rethink you calling yourself a fucking liberal.
Because these are what liberals say.
I'm a progressive.
I am not a fucking liberal, okay?
Liberals, as Phil Oaks told us, in the best of times, they're 10% to the right.
And the best of times, in the worst of times, there's whatever the fuck it is.
You know how it goes.
They're assholes, is the point.
So she says, we have actual fascists marching with torches.
Maybe everyone on the progressive side could focus on the enemies of progress in front of us.
You know, it's weird because the woman who was killed in Charlottesville was a progressive.
She was a Bernie Sanders follower.
She was a self-described socialist.
And here she is.
So what she's actually saying is the person who, she's the person who wasn't at Charlottesville, she is calling out the people who were at Charlottesville to be at the protests at Charlottesville, which they were actually at.
So that's the theory of the corporate Democrats right there, ladies and gentlemen.
She's basking in the glow of the fascist torches.
You know what I mean?
She's just like, you have nothing to do with this.
And her mind, if you walked inside her mind, it would just be a merry-go-round of DNC talking points.
Where nothing makes sense and it doesn't have to because it's all backed by fucking corporate money.
It doesn't need to make sense.
A merry-go-round of DNC platinum.
Someone has to animate that for the love of God.
I gotta see that.
If you just take the second sentence, which is maybe everyone on the progressive side should focus on the enemies of progress in front of us.
Like, that makes perfect fucking sense, but that's her.
That's her.
She's the enemy of progress.
You robbed her of progress.
That you are.
She's literally just get out of the way.
Go on vacation and let the grown-ups fight the fascists.
Here's my friend, Amir Amir.
He says, actual fascists just murdered a progressive 32-year-old woman fighting them.
So naturally, time for a neoliberal mouthpiece to attack progressives.
Way to go, Amir.
They cannot pass up an opportunity to shit on progressives.
These fucking neoliberal assholes, they cannot, if there's a goddamn tornado, they're going to go, oh, where's your single payer Bernie, bro?
Now, Burbros ran in a circle and caused a goddamn tornado.
Fucking cocksuckers.
Here's what Adam Johnson, friend of the show, he has said.
Adam Johnson says, Nira's cynicism is truly boundless.
Here she evokes Nazi terror to shield Democrats from criticism.
Beyond gross and utterly shameless.
Yes.
Yes.
So Nira Tandon is a gross person who's a narcissist publicly, and she's a sociopath, right?
So that's what that tells me about who she is.
And that's not an exaggeration.
Why do you think she's risen to the heights that she's risen if she thinks like that?
She's the head of the Center for American Progress.
It's supposed to be a liberal think tank.
And who is she shitting on?
She's sitting on the people who are for single-payer, free college, and the $15 minimum wage.
What the fuck do you think is wrong with her?
Uh-oh.
That's Barack Obama on the phone.
Hello.
I'm back.
Former President Obama, what's the occasion?
Say it with me, Jimmy.
He's back.
I'm back.
Say it.
Oh, and then say, here's Obama.
Like you're introducing Johnny Carson.
Remember him?
Or maybe I'm a baseball star coming out all of the field.
Something like that.
Uh-huh.
Well, say it.
Okay, here's Obama.
What the hell was that?
Look, I don't know what you want me to do, honest.
Okay, I'm a fucking sports hero returning to save the party.
Gonja Bruff, don't you get it?
I'm back.
I'm going to re-emerge on the national scene to save the party and the world.
I'm going to invite Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-il over a beer over my place.
And Ivanka's catering.
It's a big 10.
We're big 10 people.
I'm going to save the party.
But what about all the congressional and state seats your party lost under your leadership?
Wow.
You could devise them real fast.
What are you, a Trump lover?
You love Trump?
That's a problem.
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call.
We don't have time in today's podcast.
Well, we have time, but you got to get the premium to hear the whole gosh darn thing.
It's the most affordable premium in the business.
$5 a month.
Pay for the whole year up front.
Get you a discount.
Go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
Click on join premium.
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Become a premium member.
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We're going to be traveling, doing a lot more live shows.
So we'll let you in on that as soon as it comes.
Thanks for becoming a premium member over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Today's show was written.
That's why it was written by Mike McRae, Brian Granillo, Jim Earl, Dave Raditz, Grab Elwood, Rod Placode, and Steph Zabarado.
Special thanks to everybody at Flappers.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
That's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Dorsey, and you'll be the best you can be.
and I'll keep being me.
I'm not, I'm not.
Not freak.
Not freak out.
I'm not kidding.
I'm not.
Do not freak.
Do not freak out.
Don't bring out.
Don't bring up.
Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, fuck the baby.
Don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Don't break down.
Don't freak out.
Do not, do not, do not.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Do not freak out.
Don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not giving it.
Do not, do not, do not freak out.
Don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
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