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Dec. 3, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20161203_The_Jimmy_Doer_Show_12-2-16
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Jimmy, it's me.
Governor Romney?
Yes, it is I, foreign policy expert Mittens Romney.
I'm sorry.
Did you just call yourself Mittens?
Well, why wouldn't I?
It's my name.
So Mitt is short for Mittens?
Sure.
It's my stage name from when I was the adorable youngest member of the Romney family singers.
You were part of a family singing group?
Oh, yes.
All Mormons are at some point.
I mean, what else are you going to do with 8 to 12 children?
If you don't form a singing group, they get into all sorts of trouble, like drinking caffeine or reading.
Were you famous?
Well, yes, I was little Mittens Romney, the chubby little boy soprano.
If you liked songs about Brigham Young, you liked me.
Well, Governor.
But please, Jimmy, call me Mittens.
Yeah, I really don't think so.
Come on, Jimmy.
Don't be a nasty.
Call me Mittens.
All right, Mittens.
There you go.
You know, it looks like you might be Secretary of State, huh?
Yes, because of all my foreign policy experience.
Yeah, can I ask, what is your foreign policy experience?
Well, Jimmy, as a young man, I spent two years in France bothering French people to wear magic underwear and hate homosexuals.
Right, on your LDS mission, right?
But other than that.
Well, I vacation in a few foreign countries.
Also, I'm a super nice guy, Jimmy.
I can get along with pretty much anybody, so I'm totally qualified.
Yeah, but you're not.
Maybe I am, though.
You really aren't.
But maybe I am.
Yeah, I just don't really understand how you're even a candidate for this after your vocal opposition to President-elect Trump.
It's hard to say that without throwing open your mouth a little bit, isn't it?
Yes.
Jimmy, it would be weird if Donald Trump were doing anything.
But I think we all know that that's not what's happening.
You mean Mike Pence is running the show?
That's right, buddy.
Mike Manace Pence, the guy who thinks fetuses need funerals and that you should open carry a firearm to that funeral.
The guy no one would have nominated on his own.
The simpleton from South Bend himself, Mike motherfucking Pence.
So you've seen the inside of the transition.
Just how much power does Vice President-elect Pence have?
Well, Jimmy, whenever Donald Trump is bored with the actual work of being president, then Mike Pence is the real president.
So all the time?
Yes, Jimmy.
It's glorious and horrifying.
The Koch brothers have gotten their very own president through the back door that they never would have gotten through the front.
That's incredibly troubling.
I know, and I want to be a part of it more than I wanted to be a male cheerleader.
But why?
Why do you want to be a part of this administration, Mitt?
Because I want to be part of bringing about the end times.
Then we'll all meet Heavenly Father and get our own planet.
All right.
Yeah, I got Prince Albert in a can, so I better let him out.
No, that's just a little joke, I tell.
But seriously, I have to download my daily instructions from the Mormon mainframe.
Well, okay.
Thanks for calling, Governor.
Keep it sleazy, you fucking anal queen.
Jesus.
Jesus.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you today.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Dore Show.
Poof, we got a lot coming up on today's show.
You know, Democrats are still blaming Russia for Clinton's loss by spreading fake news.
Why on earth would Russia find it necessary to spread fake news when we already have MSNBC?
Am I right?
Come on.
What's coming up on today's show?
We're going to talk about the Dakota Access Pipeline and what's been going on up there.
Robert Kennedy has some insight into just exactly why this is so important to oil companies and Wall Street.
What is it?
Why is it so important?
Why do they have to hire a bunch of mouth-breathing goons to go out there and crack the heads of peaceful protesters while they're praying, trying to protect clean water?
Why is it?
Why is that going on?
Why is our government letting it happen?
Why is our government doing it?
And why is Barack Obama letting it happen?
Bernie Sanders has spoken out about it.
Hillary Clinton mums the word.
So Elizabeth Warren on that, too.
We're going to talk all about that.
Democrats, again, silent on a major issue.
I wonder why they lost.
I wonder why they lost to a clown.
Maybe because they stand for absolutely nothing.
Okay, so after that, we're going to talk about the recount.
What's going on with that?
Jill Stein is asking for a recount in Wisconsin.
And well, we'll let you know what's going on.
It's funny.
All the Hillary people really hated Jill Stein up until like five seconds ago.
Hey, by the way, Trump's going to drain the swamp.
Castro's dead.
What does our country, what does our government tell us about Castro?
What does the rest of the world tell us about Castro?
That's what we're going to, that's what we're going to take a look at.
What is the rest of the, how does the rest of the world see Castro?
Because we've only been fed the American propaganda.
And so now that he died, lots of other people are weighing in on what they thought of him.
And the chief executive of the Nelson Mandela organization has something to say about Castro's death also.
Hey, we got phone calls today, right?
So you heard Mitt Romney got President Obama going to call in.
Herman Kane calls in.
That's true.
That's coming up.
Plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Jimmy Dore Show.
Hi, everybody.
I'm here with Hilarious Comedian Graham Elwood.
Also, Robert Yassemburr is with us today.
Hank Thompson.
We're talking about what's going on in North Dakota.
Jordan Sheraton does great work over at TYT Politics.
He's actually out in North Dakota.
Now, I was supposed to go to North Dakota, but I don't know if you know, but I'm delicate.
Yeah, you know what?
Fuck you, social justice, for making us uncomfortable.
Like, you make me want to go and be in North Dakota or march in D.C. in the winter.
Go fuck yourself, social justice.
Can there be like a protest like in Waikiki Beach in January?
Do we do that?
Like, surfing.
I'm going to surf as many waves as I can because I'm fed up.
Or, you know, it'd be nice, a march like in upstate New York during leafing season.
Yeah, that'd be fun.
We just do that.
I'm going to go along the Taconic and just maybe do some antiquing.
A hiking protest in the fall.
You guys disgusted.
I got Carpal Tunnel typing up all those hashtags.
Oh, man.
There you go.
All right.
I'm going to North Dakota just because of you.
Shadow, boy, Jimmy.
Arm up.
Slither down the pipeline.
I know I look very healthy on the outside.
I have lots of problems, a lot of medication.
Okay.
Seriously.
Near death more than one time in my life.
Here we go.
What's going on in North Dakota is they're building a pipeline underneath the Missouri River, pollute the water that millions of people use, especially Native Americans.
And it's also going to defiling their sacred burial grounds.
And they're doing this all illegally, just so you know.
And the government's allowing it to happen, right?
They're supposed to do a big environmental study.
They didn't do it because the way they're doing is they're just getting it section by section.
They're getting it okayed as they go along, which is not how you're supposed to do it.
Anyway, there's lots of things they're doing wrong.
But here's Robert F. Kennedy Jr., and he's going to tell us, this is what he says is going on there.
And let's take a listen.
Well, this is kind of the spear tip of the front line in the battle over the transition from an old energy economy to a new energy economy.
And we know that we have to do that.
And we know that if we really had true free market capitalism, it would have happened because today wind and solar are much cheaper than the traditional, the old energy fuel.
I did not know that.
Did you know that, Graham?
You're an environmentalist.
Did you know that they've gotten cheaper and cheaper?
Because what has happened is you've got people like Elon Musk who just developed a solar panel that you put on your roof and you could almost see it.
It's not like the big clunky squares that you see.
And it's becoming cheaper because, first of all, I talked to a guy who worked for a wind farm company, and he said there's enough wind in the Dakotas to generate 60% of America's fuel needs.
No shit.
And I said, what's the problem?
He goes, well, there is the distribution of electricity.
That infrastructure just needs to be updated.
Because if you think of electricity, I'm not an electrician.
I am paraphrasing what the much smarter people have told me.
It's like water.
You lose a little bit of it.
Like if you have run a long hose, you lose a little bit of it.
So that's the issue.
And how do you collect all of it and hold it and distribute it?
So battery life is, because we've seen from like the cell phone and computers, they get smaller, more efficient.
So that is what has happened with alternative fuels.
Let's listen.
So the only way that a carbon cronies can keep their domination in the marketplace is by constructing a lot of infrastructure so that we are invested.
The people who invested the Citibank and Wells Fargo and the other, the pension funds who invested in this pipeline now have to see oil going through that pipeline 40 years, even long after any justification for oil is long gone.
And of course, we're not going to buy it in this country because we're going to be switching to wind and just all learn electric cars.
So they're trying to build the infrastructure that allows them to sell it to poor countries to continue polluting the globe.
And that doesn't make sense for anybody.
And, you know.
So those two points I think are really good that he made.
Citigroup, Wells Fargo, they're investing in these pipelines.
And it's going to take like a 30-year for it to get a return, their full return on this.
So it's not like we're going to have this pipeline for five years and then when we go on renewable.
And it's not even for energy for our country.
This is a pipeline.
So they're trying to get it so they can ship this to other poor countries who aren't on the new renewable energy that are still using.
So that's what they want to do.
This is for 40 years to export oil to poorer countries, right?
Also, yes, that's true.
They definitely want to do that.
You also got to understand, going back to clean fuel, what the utility companies and the energy companies have always been fighting.
They don't want you to have solar panels and a wind turbine in your backyard.
That is correct.
You could be completely sustainable that way.
They need to collect that.
They need to make you have to buy it.
So they need us to be dependent upon this.
So they need to create this.
I mean, the internal combustion engine hasn't changed in 80, 100 years or however long it's been around, 90 years.
It's funny to me because if you go to like hydrogen fuels, a friend of mine was at a seminar for hydrogen fuels maybe five, six years ago.
And all the hydrogen.
A lot of fucking at that seminar.
Oh, man.
That was fucking.
Everybody goes up to the hotel room and just bangs the fuck out of the fucking year.
All right, come on.
Be serious.
And he said, all the hydrogen guys are just sitting there.
Hydrogen's ready to go.
We just need the infrastructure for it.
And everyone's like, oh, it's a big undertaking.
It's not that big of an undertaking.
It's just who owns what Robert F. Kennedy is saying is correct.
They are blocking any sort of expansion or inclusion of alternative fuels.
They just can't have that.
They just can't have you on your own making your own energy, growing your own food, because then you don't need to work or buy their bullshit or get a bank or any of that crap.
They just can't have it.
That's what this all is about.
Like, it's like you can't have energy unless we can make money off it.
Exactly.
I think the most troubling part about this is that the American people are watching a company that is breaking the law.
It's an outlaw corporation that is violating American laws.
And then you have peaceful protesters who are just saying, we just want you to obey the law.
And the state, instead of coming down on the side of the peaceful protesters who are advocating law and order, are instead deploying the military power, the awesome military power, the state, plastic bullets, tear gas, and these sound weapons against the people who are peacefully asking for law and order on behalf of the criminal.
So there you go.
Yeah, that is upsetting that it's happening right in plain view, by the way, that the law enforcement is there to enforce illegal activities from a corporation that is also criminal.
And wasn't there like a nice white community that voted this down and said no?
So yes.
So I'll have to get all the particulars, but I did read that story about how communities said we can't have that coming here.
It's safe.
And so now they're redirecting it to go fuck with these people.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
If there is transportation of oil in this country, pipelines are much safer than railroads, which are the only other alternative.
Railroads are tremendously dangerous way of transporting oil.
Yeah, it's all dangerous.
Pipelines leak all the time.
In fact, the company that just bought energy transfer partners, Sunoko, has the worst.
Hey, when a wind turbine breaks, how many people get hurt?
Just a guy standing underneath.
It smells wind all over the place.
Oh, right.
And it contaminates.
There's a wind control.
No, then you got to get a guy to clean the ducks off the wind.
I've got to get it off the birds and all that covered with wind.
I think that Kennedy made a really interesting point, which is, you know, a lot of these energy companies, they can find ways of making money in a new economy.
But his point that the banks don't, that the banks are amortized out, they're committed for a long haul.
That's a very interesting point.
Yeah.
Because the reality is General Electric is making money hand over fist on wind turbines.
I mean, there are plenty of companies that could make the way our government is run.
If we really wanted to switch over to an all-renewable economy, those are the people we'd look to.
We'd look to, you know, we would look to all the people who basically make our energy now because they are the infrastructure experts.
So the fact of the matter is that those guys are making money no matter what.
The people that are driving it are large banks that want to get paid back and investors.
It's almost like the bank thing.
Have we brought that up before?
Is that relatable to this?
Do you think the banks have too much control in our culture?
I don't know.
It's not like they run everything.
Yeah.
Everything.
Everything.
So guess what?
Everybody's finding new reasons to have hope about Hillary Clinton's campaign and new reasons to hate Jill Stein again.
Isn't that funny?
Computer scientists and election lawyers urge Hillary Clinton to challenge election results.
And why do you think that the headline is that?
Why do you think it says computer scientists and election lawyers urge Hillary Clinton to challenge election results?
Why isn't it like Hillary Clinton campaign screaming about the election results?
Because she already screwed herself by saying that Donnie Tinehans isn't going to accept the election results and that's he's undermining democracy and he better he better say that he's going to accept.
Couldn't shut the fuck up.
And you screwed yourself.
So now she can't come out and call for it because she looked like the, it'd be too blatant of a hypocrisy because she knows Trump will call her out for it.
That's why that headline is that way.
Here it goes.
It says, a group of prominent computer scientists and election lawyers have found irregularities in results in at least three swing states, three.
And they are urging Hillary Clinton and her campaign to challenge the results of the 2016 presidential election.
The group, which includes voting rights attorney John Botafaz and J. Alex Halderman, the director of the University of Michigan Center for Computer Security and Society.
So that's a pretty big dude.
He believes that they found persuasive evidence that results in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania may have been manipulated or hacked.
Now, we already know in Wisconsin, they love to do election fraud.
They suppress the vote, right?
They passed a bunch of voter ID law, which the court overturned and then said that the state of Wisconsin had to provide voting IDs to the people who didn't have them, and they didn't.
So here we are.
They say in the three tweaks, they've been manipulated.
It looks like they've been manipulated.
The academics presented findings showing that in Wisconsin, Clinton received 7% fewer votes in counties that relied on electronic voting machines compared with counties that used optical scanners and paper ballots.
Well, isn't that interesting?
Based on this statistical analysis, Clinton may have been denied as many as 30,000 votes.
She lost Wisconsin by 27,000.
Oh, wait a minute.
I mean, that's the thing.
People don't realize.
Like, I get you, she won the popular vote by now almost 2 million votes.
And people are like, okay, I guess we don't get to have who we vote for.
People just take this shit.
This is a system that was invented by sophilitic slave owners to make sure that white property owners kept power.
And that's why we have the Senate.
And that's why we still have the Electoral College.
The Electoral College is there to make sure that if the electorate does something crazy and elects, I don't know, like a crazy xenophobic, racist, misogynistic, no-experience, madman with a narcissistic personality disorder as president, that then the Electoral College would then overturn it.
That's why you have the Electoral College.
So they can be a buffer against that kind of crazy democracy.
Well, if ever there was a time for the Electoral College to do its job, it would be now.
So if they're not going to do it now, what the fuck do we still have it for?
Why is it still there?
It's still there because guys in power want it there.
White property owners still want it there, and that's why it's still there.
And guys like Barack Obama ain't ever going to lift a finger to fuck up the status quo to change that.
That's the first thing he should have done in 2008.
Get rid of the goddamn Electoral College.
Should have done that.
That's what gave us eight years of George fucking Bush.
That's why Barack Obama had a mess to clean up when he got in.
It was that.
Plus, a lot of Democrats went along with George Bush's bullshit.
That was really it, actually.
So every single public opinion poll was wrong about the election.
Hillary Clinton lost swing states by tiny margins that were all within the same range.
Democrats won the popular vote and made gains in the House and Senate, but yet they lost in critical swing states by a point or less.
If there was such a thing as a textbook case worthy of a results challenge, the 2016 election would be it.
Oh, guess what?
Turns out, Hillary Clinton decides to join Jill Stein.
What about all those people who are calling Jill Stein names?
All the Clinton, remember all those.
Oh, why would you ever vote?
This woman is just a scammer.
On Saturday, Hillary Clinton's legal team said it has agreed to participate in a recount of Wisconsin votes after the state's election board approved the effort requested by Green Party candidate Jill Stein.
And that's why Hillary Clinton needed Jill Stein to do this because her big mouth because she couldn't because of her big mouth wagging her finger before the election at Donny Tynehan saying he's not going to accept the electoral results.
He's undermining democracy.
So that's why they had to get Jill Stein to do this.
And what did they promise Jill Stein?
So this is all my theory, by the way.
This isn't fact-based reporting.
This is my political analysis.
So Hillary Clinton obviously wanted a recount.
So she can't do it for the reasons I just stated.
Well, you know, that evening when John Podesta came out, he acted as if they were not going to necessarily concede.
John Podesta said, but then guess what happened?
Barack Obama called Hillary Clinton and said, you better concede and you better do it fast because that's what Democrats are good at, fucking rolling over to the machine.
Yeah, what did corporate America want?
What did they want?
They wanted her to concede and quit because we didn't want to have markets be upset.
And Barack Obama delivered that message from his donors to Hillary Clinton.
You better fucking concede.
And she did.
Just like Al Gore conceded when he won the election.
So this is twice now.
So we would never have a Republican president if there wasn't for the Electoral College.
We wouldn't have had one.
We'd have a much different country, don't you think?
So today we filed our petitions for a recount, a hand recount.
This is from Jill Stein of the ballots in the presidential race in the state of Wisconsin.
So this is very exciting because we are standing up as a grassroots campaign and a grassroots movement.
We are standing up for a voting system that we deserve, that we can have confidence in, that has integrity and security, and that we know is not subject to tampering, malfeasance, hacking, and so on.
So we're standing up to say that we deserve that in this election and actually in every election.
That's from Dr. Jill Stein.
Way to go, Dr. Jill Stein.
So I wonder if those Hillary Schills in the lefty media are still angry at Jill Stein because now they're working together.
Isn't that funny?
So I guess now people don't, I guess they're okay now with an environmentalist with a Green New Deal plan.
I guess everybody's okay with her now on the Clinton side.
Isn't that something?
How it's almost like, uh, hmm, it's weird.
It's almost like whatever favors them, they'll twist their principles for it.
Isn't that weird?
So, is Hillary Clinton's team a bunch of children?
I think they're a bunch of children.
Maybe, maybe once you grow up, bite the bullet and accept accept the election results, bite the bullet, be a grown-up.
So, Donnie Tanahan's is upset.
He said he was ripped off at the polls.
Donnie Tanahan's in fact, CBS tweeted out, Donald Trump millions voted illegally for Hillary Clinton.
Now, that's the kind of great negotiator that Donnie Tanahans is.
Leave it to a guy who's a great negotiator to win an election and then say it was rigged.
What are you doing?
You won the goddamn election, knucklehead.
But you didn't win the popular one.
It's so funny.
He's so insecure that even when he wins, he's a sore loser.
That's how insecure he is.
Even when he wins, he's a sore loser.
I mean, being president, the most powerful man in the world isn't enough for his ego.
No, he's still tweeting at reporters.
He's still tweeting at basic cable, though.
And this gives ammunition to people who want a recount.
Yes.
So it's just tactically idiotic.
He's literally saying we should have a recount, but he's upset that they're going to recount.
You say it was fucked up.
Just imagine, Hank.
If his dick was one inch bigger, I wouldn't have to deal with any of this stuff.
I agree.
Any of this stuff.
And if mine was, I'd have to get longer pants.
I mean, what he's doing there is making the clearest case possible for an investigation into the election.
That's what he's calling for.
By the way, CBS News, horrible headline.
Yes.
Headlines like this are what make lying a worthwhile political strategy.
Yeah, because they just repeat it.
And Trump knows how to play.
If there's one thing Trump knows, it's that the press are empty, vacuous, bottom-feeding scum.
He knows this.
And that's why he's able to become president.
And that's why he was able to, every time there's a scandal, he just invents a new one.
And they're on and on and on and on.
And he knows how to get them to repeat his words.
And they just did it.
They just repeated.
He just told a blatant lie.
CBS, that's our headline.
What?
Not like, hey, Trump totally out of his mind.
Hey, Trump totally, no evidence.
Trump again, still shooting wildly off the hip.
Nothing.
What do they do?
Put it right.
Oh, he says millions voted illegally for Hillary Clinton.
That's it.
There you go.
Way to go, CBS.
By the way, don't forget Les Moonves.
We covered it on this show.
Caught on, caught on an open microphone laughing about how much money they were making off Donnie Tanahan's campaign, even though it's bad for the country.
He said that.
Might be bad for the country, but it's great for our profits.
And everyone laughed.
So this, so when people started to give them, was his got retweeted 1800 times.
That's all that's a lot of retweets.
So CBS kind of got wind that they have to save face.
So then they tweeted this out.
Hey, clarification.
Trump citing no evidence claims millions.
Oh, really?
Oh, nice work, neat CBS news.
Oh, you got your head out of your corporate asshole, did you?
I mean, it's a great example of stenography journalism.
He said this: powerful person says X. There's zero fact check, zero honoring the truth, completely letting down their mission to inform the public.
So this is what's wrong with the news again.
They completely invented Donald Trump, and now they're completely repeating his BS.
In the meantime, I wonder what's going on in Syria.
In the meantime, great job, CBS.
Hope you're enjoying this week's Jimmy Door show.
This is the third time I'm recording this.
The first two times I had the wrong microphone on.
Who cares?
Okay, let's see if we can get it.
Third time's a charm.
Hey, guess what?
We're doing, what are you doing the day after Christmas?
What?
We're doing a live Jimmy Door show on December 26th.
No kidding.
The day after Christmas, people say that's a crazy time to do a show.
It's really not a crazy time to do the show.
We did it last year, and people loved it.
Turns out everybody was ready to get away from their family by the day after Christmas.
So it's Monday.
It's a Monday.
So Christmas is on a Sunday.
We're doing the live Jimmy Dore show on a Monday, and it's in Burbank, right?
So the last time we did it was in Hollywood at the improv.
Now we're going to do a day after Christmas back in Burbank at Flappers Comedy Club.
Come on out.
There's a link for tickets over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And we'll see you there.
I know, right?
The day after Christmas, 26.
It's an 8 p.m. show.
It's going to be fun.
I bet it will be.
I know.
I know it's going to be great.
Okay, it will be.
All right.
So that there's that.
And I also wanted to tell people that please think into the Jimmy Door show.
We don't encourage anybody to shop at Amazon, right?
So this, but this is a great way for you to help the show.
If you're going to shop at Amazon anyway, we say have some of the money you're about to spend.
Go to a good progressive cause like the Jimmy Door show.
It really works that way.
How do you do it?
The next time you want to buy something on Amazon, before you go to Amazon.com, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
That's right.
And there's an Amazon box right on the front page on the right-hand side.
And you click it, and then it takes you to Amazon.com.
You don't have to do anything else.
And then you just shop normally.
And then when you buy something, they send us money.
It's just that easy.
So it doesn't cost you any money.
It doesn't change the way you shop on Amazon, but it sure does help support the show.
So thanks to everybody who thinks of the Jimmy Dore show before they buy at Amazon.com.
Okay.
Now, we got a lot of great stuff coming up in the second half.
Two phone calls.
I think we have Herman Kane calls in.
Ah, I love Herman Kane plus Brock.
No, no.
Yes, I think Barack Obama.
Didn't we do?
Yes, we did Mitt Romney at the top.
We got Barack Obama calling in, Herman Cain.
We're going to talk.
A lot of great discussion coming up.
Castro is dead.
More war.
Trump swamp.
Lots coming up.
Let's get to the second.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
Don't bring out.
Don't freak out.
Do not freak out.
Don't freak out!
I'm not kidding.
Do not do that.
I'm not.
I'm not.
Do not freak out.
Don't freak out!
Do not freak out.
Freak out.
you Oh, okay.
So President Obama's been waiting on the line for about 15 minutes now.
I forgot all about him.
Trimitor, what the heck is going on?
I'm the president, for crap's sake.
Don't keep me waiting.
I'm sorry, Mr. President.
We had a pledge break and we got preoccupied.
Well, pull me down for three bucks, William.
I want two of your this is my party and it freaks me out t-shirts for the kids.
Yeah, that's not really on our t-shirts.
Never mind.
Look, Brock, to quote Donald Trump, Castro's dead, what do you think?
Look, we got to give the president-elect a chance, okay?
It takes a while to know the right thing to say when somebody important dies.
Take, for instance, my aunt Hilda.
She died when I was 13, and I walked into that funeral, and the first thing I said was, what stinks?
Oh, geez.
Okay, that never happened.
I'm just trying to make excuses for a monster who's about to become president because we all fucked up and chose the wrong candidate.
I'm a lame duck, Jimmy.
The freedom to tell the truth smiles bigly upon me today.
But how do you really feel about Castro's death?
As you know, last week I visited Athens, Greece, the birthplace of democracy and vote rights based on land ownership, family status, and the ability to use little wooden spatulas to gently scrape olive oil off of young boys.
Right.
Yes, Jimmy, this is an important time for our two nations and the world.
Fidel Castro has passed away at the age of 150.
The future of Cuba is now in the hands of his younger brother, Raoul.
I think he's around 149, right?
I really don't know.
I think he might be a bit younger.
As you know, we've had some problems with Fidel Castro in the past.
But it's our job as Americans to defend human rights around the world.
And that's why we bombed over 30 countries since World War II.
31.
If you count the time cops bombed and destroyed 65 houses in that black neighborhood in Philadelphia.
I feel for him.
I do.
Because I'm black.
But I'm not that black.
But America tried to kill Castro 600 times.
So you can understand why Cubans might be a little suspect when it comes to Americans' intentions.
America is the greatest country in the world, Jimmy.
As Hillary Clinton said at the Democratic Convention, we're still Ronald Reagan's shining city on a hill.
It is our blessing to lead the world in inflicting.
I mean, yeah, I mean, inflicting our freedom upon others.
I think it's an outrage Fidel Castro didn't let America help Cubans like America helped Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Chile, Argentina, Honduras, Nicaragua, Syria, Libya, Somalia, Yemen, Afghanistan, and Iraq.
Shit, did I just say that?
But right now, you're bombing seven countries.
How can that be good for world freedom?
And that makes my total more than twice that of George Bush's.
So in your face, Republicans.
Jimmy, the terrorist threat is constantly evolving and requires an adaptable response.
What the heck does that even mean?
People are making way too much money off this shit, and we can't get out.
Yeah, but you've never gotten congressional approval for any of this.
I mean, any of these foreign wars, have you?
How is this legal?
Shabab.
What about Shabab?
No, no, you're supposed to say Kazun type.
Good joke, huh?
Yes, Mr. President.
You know, as presidents go, you have a pretty good tight 15 minutes of material.
All the better to lobby with, my friend.
What?
Nothing.
You're referring to Shabab, a group of fighters in Somalia.
So you're authorizing force against this group because a few of their leaders might have a connection to Al-Qaeda.
Where's the proof?
And when will all of this end?
Look, Timmy, battling time order, now Spectrum, I mean, ISIS, now Daesh.
It's a lot like taking your car in to get the timing gear replaced.
Okay, I don't want to hear this analogy.
Oh, come on.
This is a good one.
Humor me.
All right.
Okay, so battling the Islamic State is a lot like taking your car in to get the timing gear replaced, right?
You already got the engine out of the car, so you might as well go in and replace the water pump, too.
Preparedness, Jimmy.
It's common sense.
America does not need to get stuck on the 405 with a blown water pump.
So what are your predictions for Cuba now that Castro's gone?
Back to the good old days of freedom, Jimmy.
Casinos, booze, and whoreing.
That's right.
I said whoring.
Lame dock, all you jerks.
So Donny Tanehans is draining the swamp, right?
He's getting rid of all the swampy people.
And so here, this is great.
This is the 58th Presidential Inaugural Committee Underwriters Benefit.
So you're an underwriter.
So people, you got to raise money to throw your inauguration.
And Trump, even though he's a billionaire, needs a little help raising money for his inauguration.
This is the priority booking at Premier Inaugural Hotels.
You got to get your own hotel.
First come, first serve.
That's what they said.
I bet you it's a Trump hotel, buddy.
It is.
I bet it is.
By the way, you know how much this costs to be an official underwriter for the Trump inauguration?
How much, Jimmy?
A couple hundred bucks?
A couple hundred.
Whoa!
Million dollars.
One million dollars.
Wow, that's exclusive in World War II.
Wow.
You know what's weird, Jimmy?
An underwriter does zero writing.
They don't do a lot of writing.
No, they just do it.
They actually do sign checks.
That's under a number.
Got it.
They should call it.
Yeah, under a number.
They should call them under checkwriters.
So what do you get for a million dollars?
You get four tickets to the leadership luncheon.
Isn't that nice?
That's an exclusive event with select cabinet appointees and House and Senate leadership to honor our most generous inaugural supporters.
That sounds worth it alone.
That is a Beatles reunion, basically.
You're going to get four tickets to the vice president's dinner with Mike Pence, huh?
If you ever wanted to go hang out with someone who was for gay conversion therapy, this is your chance.
Only a million dollars.
Also, you can talk to him about how he supports coal, and there's a coal-burning plant in Indiana that people are getting respiratory problems and cancer and stuff like that.
So if you live in Indiana, you can buy for a million dollars.
You can ask him why your kid has asthma.
I don't know, Jimmy.
I think the vice president's dinner sounds like a dream come true.
Yeah.
Why?
Well, it's Karen Pence there and Mike Pence.
Yeah.
What if they act, it's called the Vice President's Dinner because they actually made the dinner.
Then I would go.
It's just like mashed potatoes.
He makes a casserole, a hot dog casserole.
You haven't lived out yet.
Mikey Pence's hot dog casserole.
That's an indigenous dish from the rural parts of Indiana.
Yeah, it's good stuff.
Dog Cassero.
It's called the Oscar Meyer Wiener.
I had one at a wake after a fetal burial.
Oh, yeah.
It was delicious.
Yeah.
Well, the Mormons...
Did everybody notice that the up at the top rooms will be at your own expense?
Yeah, got to get your own room.
You got to give us a million bucks to get your own fucking room.
A million dollars doesn't go as far as it used to, Jim.
Tell me about it.
That's brutal.
It's like, boy, I got the million, but man, I'm having a hard time coming up with that hotel cash.
Yeah, a couple.
I don't know.
Maybe you want to stay at a double tree.
Maybe you want to go Hampton Inn.
Maybe we do a BNB.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When we elect President Ramada.
You understand that you can, for a million dollars, you could buy several houses, all with televisions and kitchens, and do this all yourself.
Yeah, but then you don't.
I'm just saying.
But then you don't get eight tickets to the ladies' luncheon.
Oh, girl.
That's an opportunity to meet the ladies of the first family.
There is nothing better than meeting the Republican women, or as I like to call them, the most self-hating women on the planet.
Think about that.
Is it going to be only women at the luncheon or do men get to go to the ladies' house?
I don't know, but I'd love to talk to because Melana Trump, when she did that interview, she said her campaign is going to be to stop online bullying.
You know what, Graham?
I think she said to stop bullying.
And the first thing I said was, oh, you're going to stop your husband then from all of his online bullying.
No, I'm not going to stop Mr. Donald.
I guarantee you she calls him Mr. Donald.
I guarantee it.
You get a candlelight dinner for you get a candlelight.
You get a victory reception.
That's an elegant dinner in Washington, D.C. with special appearances by President-elect Donald J. Trump.
He's going to come out moonwalk.
What do you mean a special appearance, special appearance?
Hey.
And Mrs. Helium.
Vice President-elect Mike Pence and Mrs. Karen Pence.
Inaugural concert in fireworks, you get eight tickets to that.
If there's a parade, you get eight tickets, VIP tickets.
A celebration of our nation stretching from Capitol to the White House on a story.
I bet you there's going to be some problems during that.
I bet there's going to be some problems.
I bet there's going to be some, what do you call, protesters?
Actually, no, I think.
We mean liberal troublemakers.
Is that what you're talking about?
Liberal no-goods?
Couple liberal no-goods.
Somebody don't have a job.
W. Bush did a pretty good job of keeping protesters away from his eye line.
I don't.
Not the first time.
I don't think not in 2000.
I also don't think W was as hated by he wasn't hated.
People were not fans of his.
They were bummed he won.
They didn't think the election, there was all that.
Right.
It wasn't like.
Donald Trump is hated.
And also who's going to show up is his neo-Nazi buddies are going to be there.
So we're going to have a grand old time in D.C. on the 20th of January.
Oh, it is going to be a grand old time.
It really.
Now I think about all the Nazis that are going to be there and all the, I'm sorry, alt-right.
Yeah.
The all-white alt-right.
Yeah.
You know, Jimmy, I don't know if this is appropriate or not, but I'm just curious if you're paying a million dollars for this exclusive inaugural event.
How many, how many citizens do you get a fuck that night?
Oh, I'm not sure.
That week, you know, like how many metaphorical.
The victory reception is you get to you get to, but you get to beat up some Muslims.
That's the victory reception.
Yeah.
I'm just saying I can get you a better deal.
For $1,000, you can kill a guy.
No questions asked.
And you'll make a sandwich, right?
Sure, I'll get you a sandwich.
I'll let you watch whatever you want on my Blu-ray.
You know, is there a parade?
Sure.
I'll make a parade.
If you're going to give me a grandest, sure.
I'll take it.
I'll drive by in my Civic.
I'll wave to you.
Hey, guess what?
Fidel Castro has passed away.
He died at 90.
That's pretty good.
Pretty good for a guy who was a revolutionary.
Those guys have a low life expectancy.
I got to tell you.
Yeah, if you're going to take over a place, make it an island.
Make it an island.
Very smart.
Here's what they say at Democracy Now.
They go, he died on Friday at the age of 90.
His death came 60 years of the day after he, his brother Raul, Shea Guevara, and 80 others set sail from Mexico in 1956 to begin what became the Cuban Revolution to oust the U.S.-backed Cuban dictator, Fulgencio Batista.
Batista fled the island in 1959, and the Castros have led Cuba ever since.
The Cuban Revolution would inspire revolutionary efforts across the globe and lead Castro to become one of the arch enemies of the United States.
Americans don't like revolutions.
Americans are capitalists.
They don't like democracies.
So when the Arabs wanted to spread democracy around the Middle East, we squashed it.
We squat everything we can to squash it.
Same thing in South America.
Whatever our corporations want, that's what we do.
Hey, is there a smaller, poorer country that a corporation wants to take some of their natural resources?
We'll go help you overthrow that government and take their natural resources.
That's what America does.
It is said that Castro survived over 600 assassination attempts, many orchestrated by the CIA.
Imagine if Cuba had 600 attempts on our presidents.
How long before you think we dropped a nuke on them?
Oh, Fidel Castro, 600 attempts on our president.
Across the developing world, Fidel Castro was viewed as a hero who stood up to Washington and offered support for anti-colonial struggles.
That's so weird.
You never hear that perspective in America.
Do you ever hear that perspective in America?
Anti-colonial?
You never hear that that he was a hero in developing worlds.
You never hear that.
You never hear that.
You just hear Castro bad, communism bad.
Castro was admired by leftists and people of the developing world who saw him as a revolutionary champion of the poor.
But he was vilified by many who viewed him as a dictator who oppressed Cubans and ruined the economy through socialism.
Yeah, he ruined the economy through socialism by giving everybody free health care and free education.
And then he engineered an economic blockade from the superpower 70 miles to their north.
But here's what some other leaders said.
Fidel as a man, Fidel as a brother, a great human being, Fidel as a politician, a great revolutionary.
Fidel Castro is a great teacher in principles and values, a teacher of revolutionaries.
His fight has not only been for the Cuban people, nor for the people of Latin America.
The fight of Fidel has been for the people of the world that fought for freedom.
Who said that?
That was the Bolivian president Evo Morales.
You never hear that.
To the people of Cuba, here's someone else.
To the people of Cuba, your pain is ours.
Fidel Castro belonged to you as much as he belonged to us.
And we all believe that.
We all know that at some point, one has to transition to the other world.
And I think in his case, he is a proud man, having helped many struggles around the world to achieve freedom.
Who said that?
Some other dictator?
Who said that?
Was it some weirdo right-wing?
Was it Putin?
Who said that?
Oh my God, there was the chief executive at the Nelson Mandela Foundation.
Really?
So all that shit our government said about Fidel Castro turns out was bullshit.
Well, push me over with a feather.
I can't believe.
I bet you Saddam Hussein wasn't what they said either.
I bet he didn't have weapons of mass destruction.
I bet tax cuts don't create jobs.
I bet Social Security isn't bankrupt.
I bet single payer is more efficient.
I mean, if they're lying about Castro, what the fuck aren't they lying about?
They're lying about everything.
Your government lies.
Just whenever your government tells you something, just assume they're lying.
And I mean Barack Obama's government.
I mean, who's ever in power?
Just assume they're lying.
So they were said he was very unpopular, but not what Reuters says.
Reuters says, viva Fidel.
Tens of thousands pay their last respects.
The day began with a thunderous 21-gun salute.
And tens of thousands of Cubans paying last respects to their beloved late leader, Fidel Castro.
They're lining Revolution Square for a two-day commemoration.
I am paying homage to my leader, Fidel Castro, upon his death.
I'm honoring him because everything I am, I owe to him.
Nah.
They hate him.
They hate him.
You know, the Cubans in America hate Fidel.
You know why?
Because they were the rich Cubans that were oppressing their own people.
And that's why they took their money and they came here.
That's why they don't like him.
So just keep that in mind.
America exports bombs.
Cuba exports doctors.
It's so weird that our government's totally bullshitting us about Fidel Castro.
That's what it seems like.
I don't know.
I'm sure he was horrible.
It's like, I'm sure he tortured people.
I wonder if he used our torture facility or he built his own.
Did he just go to Guantanamo or did he have to build his own?
That's me being smug.
I'm smug.
I'm smug.
sweet you you you Hey, guess what?
Remember when General Wesley Clark told us that the idea to invade Afghanistan to invade Iraq and Syria and Somalia and Yemen, that was all pre-planned.
And they just used 9-11 as the reason to do it.
Wesley Clark said this.
You remember this, right?
About 10 days after 9-11, I went through the Pentagon and I saw Secretary Rumsfeld and Deputy Secretary Wolfowitz.
I went downstairs just to say hello to some of the people on the joint staff who used to work for me.
And one of the generals called me and he said, sir, you got to come in.
You got to come in and talk to me a second.
I said, well, you're too busy.
He said, no, no, he says, we've made the decision.
We're going to war with Iraq.
This was on or about the 20th of September.
I said, we're going to war with Iraq.
Why?
He said, I don't know.
He said, I guess they don't know what else to do.
So I said, well, did they find some information connecting Saddam to al-Qaeda?
He said, no, no.
He says, there's nothing new that way.
They just made the decision to go to war with Iraq.
He said, I guess it's like we don't know what to do about terrorists, but we've got a good military and we can take down governments.
So I came back to see him a few weeks later.
And by that time, we were bombing in Afghanistan.
I said, are we still going to war with Iraq?
And he said, oh, it's worse than that.
He said, he reached over on his desk.
He picked up a piece of paper.
He said, I just, he said, I just got this down from upstairs, meaning the Secretary of Defense office today.
And he said, this is a memo that describes how we're going to take out seven countries in five years.
Starting with Iraq and then Syria, Lebanon, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, and finishing off Iran.
So go through the countries again.
Well, starting with Iraq, then Syria and Lebanon, then Libya, then Somalia and Sudan, and then back to Iran.
Okay, so guess what?
So we did Iraq.
We did Afghanistan.
Barack Obama did Libya.
Barack Obama's doing Syria.
Barack Obama's doing Yemen.
And guess what?
Barack Obama's doing Somalia.
That's your Barack Obama.
That's your Barack Obama.
Libya, Syria, Yemen, and now Somalia.
He already had Iraq.
He already had Afghanistan.
So this is from Democracy Now.
It says, with less than two months remaining in office, President Obama has quietly moved to expand U.S. military operations in Somalia.
Yes, fucking Somalia.
That's what it says.
What's your news source?
Sandy Goodman, a little bit of a potty mouth.
According to the New York Times, the administration has decided to deem the militant group Al-Shabaab to be part of the armed conflict that Congress authorized after September 11th.
Hold on.
Hold on to your hats.
You ready for this?
Even though Al-Shabaab did not exist in an organization at that time, if Trump did something like this, everyone would be screaming World War III.
I can't believe they said that at Democracy.
If Trump did this shit, if Trump came in and did Libya and then started bombing Syria and ran out of bombs in Syria and then bombed Yemen and then he started bombing fucking Somalia.
People will be going, I told you, Crump's crazy.
Trump's crazy.
But Barack Obama's doing it.
They're like, yeah, that's what we're supposed to do.
We're supposed to bomb the poorest countries in the world, which is what we're doing.
Yemen, Somalia.
Barack Obama is the opposite who you thought.
He is George Bush 3.0 and a pretty face.
The move will make it easier for the U.S. forces to intensify airstrikes and counterterrorism operations.
And by counterterrorism operations, we mean U.S. imperialism disguised as fighting terror.
Some of that's my own editorial.
Can you tell which?
So there you go.
Oh, I wish we could have eight more years of Barack Obama.
Maybe we'd have 16 more wars.
You know, this is how empires end, by the way.
You know that, right?
They overextend militarily.
And that's what we're doing.
We're spending over a trillion dollars a year on the military.
We have over a thousand bases across.
We don't even know how many bases we have.
You know why?
Because a lot of them are secret.
But the closest guess people can give is a thousand bases.
A thousand.
Yeah, that's all happening.
It's happening under Barack Obama.
And guess what?
No one gives a shit because Barack Obama's doing it.
But pretty soon it'll be Donny Tynehance and then everyone will all of a sudden give a shit.
Watch.
Mark my words.
All of a sudden, everyone's going to give a shit about Donny Tynehance bombing Somalia or Yemen or wherever else he decides to bomb.
Barack Obama did Libya, turned it into a failed state.
You know why?
Because they wanted to take their oil money and keep it for their people.
Barack Obama did that.
Barack Obama's doing Syria.
Barack Obama.
He never got us out of Afghanistan.
We're still there.
Bush 3.0, baby.
But Jimmy, he received a peace prize.
He got a peace prize.
He got a peace prize.
Then he immediately ramped up the war in Afghanistan, started bombing Libya, put a hit, I don't know, Osama bin Laden, put people back to Iraq, bombed so much in Syria, he ran out of bombs, started bombing Yemen, and now we're bombing Somalia.
And that's the thing about those peace prizes.
Nobody ever tries to win a second one.
Thank you.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Jimmy, this is Herman Kane.
Oh, hey there, Herman.
How you doing, buddy?
How you doing?
I'm doing fine, Herman.
Real fine.
What you wearing?
Herman.
What's your wife wearing?
That's the question.
Herman, cut it out.
Have you been watching West World?
No, I haven't been watching.
What the hell is going on?
I do not understand.
Is everybody a robot up in that motherfucker?
Also, there are too many timelines.
Pick a time.
I'm confused.
Just a bunch of robots having sex.
Is this premium cable programming or a 10-hour-long daft punk video?
I don't know, Herman.
That main girl, though.
I ain't saying Evan Rachel wouldn't.
We haven't heard from you in a while.
I know.
It's been too long.
All of these things have transpired, and we haven't been able to discuss it.
You never call into my radio show.
I know, Herman.
I'm sorry.
I've been busy, buddy, but yeah, it's been quite an election, hasn't it?
Oh, Jimmy, I was so excited the whole time.
Part of me really wished I was running too.
Then I remember what happened last time I ran.
You had to drop out because you cheated on your wife?
No, wise ass.
America simply wasn't ready for the conservative message of a pizza-based businessman.
Oh, okay.
I see.
And as far as cheating on my wife goes, Jimmy, you're a married man.
You know as well as I do that sometimes you just gotta take your dick downtown.
All right, Herman.
Listen, what do you think of that?
All right.
All right, Herman.
What do you think of the outcome?
I think the outcome is outstanding.
Donald Trump is going to be the best president we've had since Benjamin Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin wasn't ever the president.
Exactly.
Ah!
Ha ha ha!
you you Thank you.
Of course, you know, there's a lot more to that Herman Kane phone call, and you can hear it if you get the premium content.
So we have bonus podcasts, and we drop a couple every week.
And how do you get that?
You become a premium member.
You go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on join premium, and then we'll send you an email with the passcode and everything.
It's a great way to help support the show.
It's only $5 a month.
And if you pay for the whole year at once, you get a month free.
So it's even less than that.
It's less than $5 a month.
It's like you can't even afford not to do it.
So go do that.
Become a great member.
And I mean, a great member.
Being a member would be great for us.
It'd be great for everybody.
Okay.
Big thanks to Graham Elwood for sitting in.
Please check out his Comedy Film Nerds podcast if you're into films and reviews.
And go check out his movie, Airbuds, right?
Yeah, we'll check it out.
We'll put a link over at the JimmyDoorComedy.com.
All right.
Big thanks to Graham Melbourne.
Thanks to Robert Yasimura, Hank Thompson, Steph Zamorano for sitting in.
Oh, hey, guess what?
We're doing, don't forget, December 26th, the day after Christmas.
We're going to do that live show.
We're really doing it.
It's after Christmas.
It's a Monday, Burbank, California.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com and click for the link for your tickets.
We'll see you there.
All right.
So that's it for this week.
Thanks to everybody.
Today's show was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Jim Earl, Robert Yasamura, Steph Zamarano, and Mark Van Landuit.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
That's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Door saying you be the best you can be and I'll keep being me.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not doing not freak out.
I'm not, not, not, not, not freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Don't touch the fucking fucking phone.
Do not freak out.
don't bring out Don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Don't don't bring it.
Don't you don't.
Don't don't.
Do not roll around.
Do not freak.
Don't freak out.
Do not do not.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Not freak out.
Not freak out.
Don't break out.
Don't dump.
Don't freak.
Do not freak out.
Don't freak out!
Do not freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Do not kill me.
Do not freak out.
Don't break out.
Don't freak out.
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