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Nov. 26, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:03:25
20161126_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_11-25-16
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Jimmy, Jeff Bush, what am I thankful for?
I'm thankful I destroyed my family's political dynasty before Hillary did hers.
Follow that, motherfucker.
Please clap.
Jimmy, John Boehner here.
What am I thankful for?
Blackouts, you stupid fuck.
Who's chopping onions?
I'm not crying, honest.
Got something to buy.
That's all.
Shut up.
All right.
Jimmy, this is Bernie Sanders.
What am I thankful for?
I'll tell you what I'm thankful for.
And this is very important.
I'm thankful I bought a Democrat.
Fucking W. Walter Shaw.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hello, this is Jimmy Dore.
Good morning.
How are you, my man?
Land on President Obama at your service.
Hey, Mr. President, thanks for calling.
How you doing, buddy?
Relieved, Jimmy.
I washed my hands of this shit.
Seriously, I'm just going to be here the next few months to lecture people on how I'm above it all and so forth.
Oh, and I'm taking my last presidential trip around the world, so that ought to be fun, right?
Well, listen, how's the transition with Trump going?
Good question.
The morning after the election, I had a chance to talk to President-elect Trump through an interpreter to congratulate him on winning the election.
But we're still waiting for his staff to contact our staff and come on over and do stuff.
Listen, there's a lot of people who wondering how you can take another trip around the world when you refuse to even visit the Sioux Nation who are protesting over at Standing Rock.
Look, this is merely a legal disagreement between the Sioux tribe and some oil pipeline contractors.
And nobody wins against the contractor.
You ever try to remodel your kitchen?
Yeah.
Hey, I thought we agreed the splash car was going to be made out of tile.
And they're like, oh, my bad.
I thought you said you wanted me to drive a tank over your mother's grave.
Go on like that.
No, it's not like that.
No, it's not.
They got their heads bashed in, Mr. President.
Look, I may invite Donald Trump and those oil execs and some Native Americans over to the White House for a beer.
We can work it out.
How will that having a beer?
How will that work it out?
Well, they can still drink, can't they?
Yeah.
Look, it's like I said, after Donald Trump won the election, 400 years of systemic breakthroughs and theft and genocide is a lot like intermural sports, right?
One side obeys the rules, standing within the lines and boundaries of the field and tosses and serves the shuttlecock into the opposing side's receiving square.
And then the other side comes back in the middle of the night to burn their village and kill the women and children.
What the?
But wait, how?
But how are you going to get Trump to have a beer he doesn't even drink?
Did you know that?
I'm sure his mother did.
All through his freckles.
You know, we don't like those kind of jokes, Mr. President.
About mothers drinking.
What about your intermural sports analogy?
You hit me with a lob, Jimmy.
I just slammed it down your throat, ma'am.
Well, the American Indian people have to accept the will of all those Methodists who took their land and desecrated their holy sites.
Did I ever tell you how life is like a ping-pong tournament?
No.
Well, you keep pitting the little plastic ball over the little net back and forth, back and forth, until the other guy rams the pipeline up your ass and poisons your water.
That what?
What the?
Jimmy, regardless of who wins or loses, the sun will still come up tomorrow.
Oh, sure, it'll be a lot hotter than before, but most of my friends have estates in the northern countries.
But can you at least go and physically appear with those at Standing Rock just to, you know, like to show a little support?
You see, that's why we lost the election.
What?
People like Bernie Sanders going and setting a good example.
Really turns off the voters.
But the latest numbers show Hillary lost Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Michigan.
Three blue states due to the decimation of union jobs and lowered African-American voter turnout, Barack.
Jimmy, employment's a lot like a round of hot potato.
Two people just tossing a hot potato back and forth to each other until one of them is laid off and joins ISIS.
The sun will come up tomorrow, Jimmy.
Bet your bottom dollar.
Yeah, really?
Don't lose your confidence if you slip.
Be grateful for a pleasant trip.
Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.
Okay, Mr. President.
Just what makes that little old ant think he'll move that rubber tree plant?
High hopes.
He's got hot.
Don't hang up on me, Father.
That's it, buddy.
All right, Barack Obama.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
Tell me down on Cooper save.
It's hard to talk when you keep adding.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Ladies and gentlemen, bring up right now, Jimmy Dore.
Hey, let's hear it for Steph Sabarado.
Hi, everybody.
Yay!
How about ahead for Steph Zavarado?
Huh?
She's a teacher.
Her mother voted for Trump.
Mother voted for Trump.
That is horrible.
That is tough.
She's part of that 20-something percent of the Hispanics voted for Trump.
Son of a bitch.
I want to go protest Trump's inauguration speech.
Anybody going to want to go protest Trump's inauguration?
Anybody know?
Anybody know which airline has the cheapest fares in Nuremberg?
Anybody?
It's our president.
Hey, did you see that?
Mike Pence went to Hamilton.
Did you say you saw that video?
You think Mike Pence at Hamilton was awkward?
Wait till Steve Bannon goes to see the diary of Ann Frank.
Ann Frank isn't here.
It's okay.
The Hamilton cast did not refuse Pence service.
It's not like he's an LGBT person trying to buy a wedding cake in Indiana or anything like that.
You know what I'm saying?
That gay cake stuff.
My brother's one of those guys.
My brother was like, I got to bake a gay cake for somebody.
No, Danny.
Nobody's going to make you bake a gay cake.
They're saying people who own companies.
Anyway, after spending all their professional lives trying to tear down the New Deal, it looks like the Clintons finally lost to someone who could actually pull it off.
Yes, these are sad jokes.
These are real jokes.
Lots of voters like Trump because he seems like the kind of a regular guy you could deny serving.
Fuck that joke.
All right, hitting a.
Hey, by the way, we invaded a country for no reason, so electing Trump is not the worst thing we've ever done, okay?
Okay.
*laughter*
Hey, before we get to the rest of the show, you can hear we have a live audience for this show.
That's right.
We did this show in front of a live audience at the world-famous Hollywood Improv in Hollywood, California last Saturday night.
So keep that in mind.
This was recorded then in front of a live audience.
And our first guest of the show, you may know, Paul Gilmartin does a wonderful character called Representative Richard Martin.
And he does this, what an amazing character, this right-wing Republican.
So keep in mind, that's who this is.
Is it a real congressman?
This is Paul Gilmartin doing his character of a right-wing Republican congressman.
Keep that in mind.
He does the character through the whole show, so let's enjoy.
You know, it's so great.
Whenever he's in town, we always ask him to come do the show.
He's our favorite Republican representative from Ohio's 27th district.
Please welcome Republican Representative Richard Martin is here.
Hi, Richard.
How are you?
Sit over there, just grab a microphone, pal.
Skeedaddle over here.
I see some Christian faces.
That's nice.
Some smiles.
That Oriental fella's angry.
We don't call him Orientals.
What do you call him?
He's Asian.
He's happy.
Asian.
Yeah.
Okay.
Orientals are a rug.
I apologize.
I forgot to.
I'm out here in PC land.
Well, you're looking good.
You know, Jimmy, I radiate patriotism.
I think that's clear.
No, can you, just the way you dress, I'm always fascinated by the way you dress.
Can you just explain how you put yourself together?
Well, it's a thing called respect.
Your hair says a lot about what you think, how you feel, how you view the world.
You look at mine, it's like how I like society, neatly divided.
Renters over here, homeowners over there.
Know your side of the tracks.
Got a nice bold colored tie, red.
So many good things are red.
Blood, meat, anger, tenement fires.
Got a watch, let you know I got a place to be.
I mean, if you look at a fella standing on a train platform looking like that, you would say, my God, how do I get in on that?
Got a pleated khaki.
You look at a pleated khaki and you think this guy's such a go-getter.
He's creating things to iron.
Wearing my belt nice and high.
Nobody likes a saggy pant.
You never see one of those hip-hop guys running for president.
Nobody's going to vote for Johnny Potato Pants.
Got a French cuff, lets those babies pop.
Look at that.
I used to do a little cufflink modeling.
You were a cufflink?
I didn't even know that was a thing.
Oh, yeah.
That's a specialized art.
Cuff link modeling?
Oh, yeah, because you got to get the...
The Ohio River Corridor.
A lot of catalog work there in the late 80s, early 90s.
And to get the cufflink to hit the light and reflect to the camera at just the precise angle, it's very difficult.
When you get it, we call that popping candy.
A little zing over there.
Fellow looks a little sleepy.
Bam.
Yeah, the key, I really shouldn't give away trade secrets, but the key to popping candy is make sure you can see this outside soft part of your hand.
That's called the filet.
Got a class ring, lets you know I was popular, and I still hold on to my worldviews from high school.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Got a nice tasseled loafer, you know, wearing a loafer without a tassel, you know, that doesn't make sense.
That's like wearing a bomber jacket without hard rock cafe on the back.
Why would you?
But folks see a tasseled loafer coming at them.
They think, my God, this guy is so successful, his shoes are having a parade.
And that's how a patriot dresses, Jim.
God bless.
Just, God bless this country.
I'm so happy with the direction we're headed.
Just so, so excited.
No, let me ask you, Mike Pence got booed at Hamilton.
What did you make of that?
You know, I have been saying for years, don't let the queer sing.
Nobody would listen.
I tried to get glee off the air, and now you're seeing civil war because of Glee.
He's a great guy.
I don't know why they are so ungrateful towards Mike Pence.
He wants to create a way to condition them so they're not gay anymore.
You would think they would be grateful.
He wants to do conversion therapy.
Why would you spit in the face of your Savior?
You know, I'll be honest.
I don't know any homosexuals.
I don't.
They're exotic.
They are exotic.
You didn't know any Republican senators with the wide stands?
No, no, no.
I don't.
You know, I don't hang out a lot with other senators.
I'm usually busy wrestling with one of the pages.
Jesus.
I've got a couple of real strong college men that come when we wrestle.
All right, all right.
Listen, are you happy that Trump won?
I'm giddy.
I'm just giddy.
He just makes sense.
You know, he's just got, he's got an even temperament.
He's sensible.
He thinks things through.
Do you hope that Roe versus Wade is overturned?
I do.
I do.
Every precious, precious little life needs to be protected because right now we don't know if Ephetus is gay.
You know, and when we do, you know, we'll make that exception or if it's somebody we have enough of.
But other than those two, every life is so, so precious.
I think of my little girl.
You know, I got three kids, Ronald Wilson and Reagan.
And I've got two beautiful kids, three total, but I don't tell him which one's not beautiful.
But our littlest Reagan, she's just, you know, when I think, what If my little baby wasn't here.
I mean, she could lose some weight, but other than that, she's so precious, so, so precious to me.
I cannot wait until my kids are rich so I can be proud of them.
You know, some people say...
Some people say...
Some people...
Yes.
Okay.
You know, that's...
That's what you chose.
Yeah, I'll see you in hell.
You know, marijuana is a gateway drug.
It is.
Oh, absolutely.
Gateway to what?
It can lead to not wearing a tie.
And just the thought of not wearing a tie just sends shivers up my portfolio.
Do you know any poor people?
I've crossed paths with many, many poor people.
I've shaken their crackly hands.
I've gazed into their bloodshot eyes.
No, I don't know any poor people.
They're our greatest resource.
Poor people.
Poor people are our greatest resource.
Oh, yeah.
Hunger is nature's college.
Oh, yeah.
Nothing will motivate you like a distended belly.
You know, you know, I enjoy satire, but that was fucking bullshit.
I don't understand.
Where do you get your world view?
I inherit it from Pop Pop, my dad.
Pop pop.
Pop pop.
We used to call him Pop Pop Pop, but then that seemed a little redundant.
So yeah, we trimmed it down to pop pop.
Pop.
Had to cut back.
We're fiscally conservative, so we trimmed it to pop-up.
Yeah, he just always, he just knew how to sum up, you know, the worldview on something.
You know, he used to say, there's two things that gals can never keep low enough.
They're weight and their voices.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah.
You are such an asshole.
He said, if the penis wasn't meant to lead, why did it come with two bodyguards?
You know.
And he said, a smile is your way of telling people that therapy is a waste of money.
I feel sorry for people that go to therapy.
Now, is there any truth to that?
No, no, that's not true at all.
I'm constantly evolving.
You know, I recently learned that it's not nice to call people retarded, that you call them mentally disabled.
yeah, I learned that from a cripple.
I am sensitive, but you got to be careful because there is no greater threat to our country than empathy.
You know, it gave women the right to vote.
It gave us civil rights.
We lost the Vietnam War.
It lets gays marry.
You know, one of my ex-wives said to me, she said to me, Richard, why do you hate the gays so much?
I said, Marilyn, I don't hate the gays.
I'm a Christian.
I hate their faggoty ways.
You know, I hate them thinking that they can have a bathhouse fling and then march up the same aisle to the same altar that has been so sacred to me on three separate occasions.
And I don't think the gays should be allowed to fight in the military.
It takes the dignity out of killing.
Now, you're always dressed the same.
Do you ever wear casual clothes?
Yeah, I have them in the house, but I haven't used them yet.
Sometimes.
Sometimes to surprise my wife on Halloween, the kids and I'll dress up like we're in the Huey Lewis band.
Yeah.
And we shock the wife because she thinks that we're intruders.
You know, you put the leather jacket with the collar up, and she thinks that she's being chased by thugs.
Now, are you going to support this ban on Muslims?
I'm supporting a ban on Lawrence of Arabia.
What?
Oh, yeah.
It's, Jimmy, you know, if Muslim is such a great religion, why do they got to pray five times a day?
I never pray, and I'm rich.
But ISIS, I don't understand why they do what they do.
Why would you kill innocent people and then not take their natural resources?
Jesus Christ.
That's true, though.
It doesn't make sense.
Now, you've supported banning not only Muslims, but Islam.
Is that constitutional?
What is the difference between Muslim and Islam?
I want to know because I always get confused what the difference is between Muslim and Islam.
Which guy is which?
Listen, when our forefathers talked about protecting religions.
Yeah, they were talking about the normal ones, not the weirdo ones.
All right, let's move on.
I'm going to guess you don't support trans people either, correct?
Let's say hypothetically we were to consider it.
I would have to have assurances from the gals becoming fellows that they would still work for less money.
I think ahead.
Look at that.
I mean, isn't it beautiful?
My final question is, you know, I noticed that you voted for tax breaks for oil companies at the same time you voted to cut benefits to poor people.
Can you tell me what that's about?
Last time I checked, my car didn't run on poor people.
The homeless, while oily, don't fit into a gas tank.
You liberals, you live in a fantasy world.
You think it runs on yoga and cinnamon.
It runs on oil and the exploited labor of poor people.
Once you give in, God, your house gets big.
Representative Richard Barton, thank you so much for stopping by.
I hope you had a good time.
Let's have it for Paul Gilmartin, ladies and gentlemen.
God continue to bless America.
Thank you.
All right, now please help me welcome our panel up to the stage.
A hilarious comedian.
You've seen him on all that late night television shows.
They made a documentary about him called A Bitter Buddha.
Please welcome one of my favorite comedians, Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.
Eddie Pepetone.
Hi, Eddie.
Now, Eddie, how are you doing?
I'm all right.
Eddie, tell people about yourself.
I'm a great guy.
I like waterboarding.
Foreclosing on people's homes.
You're an innovator.
Yeah, and I like slaughterhouse videos.
So those are all options.
And I'm a big sports guy, big sports guy.
Are you?
I love sports.
What's your favorite?
I think hockey because of the brutality that breaks out occasionally.
Like you're just watching a game and it's kind of beautiful and skillful.
And then all of a sudden a beating occurs and it just reminds me of my childhood.
Like where did that come from?
But it's competitive.
If you haven't watched hockey, you really have to hate yourself.
I masturbate during hockey fights.
Who doesn't?
Who does not?
Yes, correct.
And you're a vegan.
Sorry about low energy, but I was sitting over there for 45 fucking minutes.
That's what you get for being a vegan.
You're a vegan, correct?
Yes, I am a vegan.
Unpopular, unpopular.
Well, that's good.
Usually when I say it, you get booze, you know, from all the people who they, you know, where do you get your protein from, these assholes?
Where do you get your protein from?
I get laid a lot.
What?
Huh?
I don't know where that came from.
I'm not that type of comic.
All right, please welcome up to.
Is that it?
Oh, fuck it.
No.
You're a vegan, fuck you.
This is fun.
This is turning out to be a lot more fun than I expected, but it's not the show that I thought I was doing.
And let's welcome up to the show.
Representative Richard Martin.
Paul Gilmartin is here with us again, right?
Hi, Paul.
Thanks again.
Take a seat.
Also with us, the miserable liberal, Steph Samarano.
Come on up, Steph.
Take your seat.
I'm so excited to see this.
Okay.
Thank you.
Yay.
Thank you so much.
I'm the token Latina.
Or woman.
I'm so sorry.
Pussy.
Okay.
If you're not sure that the Telecommunications Act was a bad thing, what's that, Jimmy?
Well, that's what Bill Clinton passed in 1996.
And we used to have 50 giant media companies.
And after he passed that, we only have six.
So there's six companies that bring you all your radio, all your television, all your newspapers.
And they all suck, by the way.
Yes.
I have direct TV because I'm a sports fan, and I called up, you know, and I turned it on.
Oh, you're having a problem connecting to your satellite dish.
Not to brag, I have this kind of lifestyle.
You know, you call these motherfuckers up and you're speaking to someone in the Philippines.
And that's what these companies do.
They take the fucking jobs and they just, you know, that's called globalization because globalization.
They'll work for less, drive down the American worker.
No, no, no, no.
And we're ATT.
But their commercials are very good and usually comedians are on it.
So what they do is they take good American jobs, they turn them into shitty jobs, and then they ship them to more desperate people in even poorer countries.
That's correct.
That's that.
And I have that product.
That's globalization.
Amen.
Amen.
That's why we should have never given back to the Philippines.
Jesus Christ.
I did not see that joke coming.
The reason what I'm talking about this is that there used to be journalism in America.
And that's really important for our democracy to function correctly, which is why it's not functioning correctly, right?
Because we don't have journalism anymore, right?
No, we have Fox News.
No, we do not.
Fox News is terrific.
You know, a lot of news outlets can tell you what happened.
They tell you what's going to happen.
So what happened was the people who used to investigate the corporations and government to make sure they didn't get too close together, what happened was those criminals just decided to buy the investigators, right?
They bought the journalists, right?
So now they work for the people that they're supposed to be investigating, which is why there's no investigating happening.
Or they get thrown in jail.
Yes, because if you do any reporting.
More and more later.
If you do any real reporting, Barack Obama will throw you in jail and use the Espionage Act to do it.
And that's not hyperbole because he's doing that.
If you commit a war crime, you're okay.
If you expose a war crime, you're going to fucking jail.
But Barack Obama is very likable and elegant.
He's very elegant.
He won the Nobel Peace Prize.
He sure did.
So here is Wolf Blitzer talking about our arms sales that are going to Saudi Arabia.
And I don't know if you know, Saudi Arabia is kind of an extreme regime.
They're very anti-women and anti-everything.
They're good people.
And they're trying.
Gotta give them a chance.
Right now, they're committing, as I say with a smile on my face, they're committing genocide in Yemen, the Houthis, right?
And so we're helping them.
And we're selling arms to them.
And Rand Paul had a problem with it.
And Wolf Blitzer decided to interview him.
Now, Wolf Blitzer, he has a talent for reading whatever is on the teleprompter.
And that is respected by the entire industry.
Wolf's interview skills has made him the role model for journalists like Don Lemon.
And Don Lemon, by the way, is a cross between Jack Lemon and Don Knotts.
Wolf Blitzer may not be the smartest guy on TV, but credit where credit is due, he does remain completely still when he asks a question.
I did not notice that.
But breaking news is exciting, isn't it, on those channels?
Like, breaking news.
You know what they should say?
Every breaking news thing, they should say, breaking news.
Same shit.
And it's never really break.
Like, did you ever watch it when they say breaking news and they've been saying it for 18 hours?
Yeah.
Like the same fucking story.
And they still have that up.
And I'm like Pavlov Dog going, honey!
There's breaking news!
They cover school shootings like they're fucking sporting events.
We're getting off track because I have a video I set up.
Sorry, I'm just trying to get in stage time because I was sitting in that fucking corner for 45 fucking minutes.
Well, eat some meat.
Hope you enjoyed our live episode.
This is the time of the show where I say thanks to everybody who helped support our show using our Amazon.com link.
You know, this is the time of year everybody's buying stuff from Amazon.
So if you could remember the Jimmy Door show the next time you buy something, it would be a big help to us.
How do I do it, Jimmy?
How do I help support the show when it doesn't cost me anything?
Well, the next time you want to buy something from Amazon, remember, we don't encourage anyone to shop on Amazon, but we say if you're going to shop at Amazon anyway, have some of that money go to a good cause, like the Jimmy Door show.
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Next time you want to buy something from Amazon, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
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You click it.
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It doesn't cost you anything, and it doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon, but it sure does help support the show.
So thanks, everybody who does that.
It's a big help to the show.
Don't freak out!
Do not freak out!
I'm not in it.
Do not do that.
Beep.
Dude, Blue Crosser, I'm thankful for my trust fund.
And I'm thankful I'm not that guy who went to a kegger and the keg exploded while he was pumping some foamy food and his stomach got impaled with the keg, bro.
That shit did happen.
That's serious.
But most of all, I'm thankful both sides do it because they do.
Both sides do it.
Jim Bill here, Jimmy.
I'm thankful for that Roger Ale secondhand pussy I got over the years.
Oh, well, it was a good run while it lasted.
Oh, Genie Perino.
Hi, Jimmy.
This is Rick Perry.
And I'm thankful that you're a big fag.
Hi, Jim.
Ron Paul here.
And I'm thankful Rick Perry called you a big fag.
But I don't think the taxpayers should have to pay for it.
But I do like that he said it.
So I'm going to use what he said, even though I didn't have to pay for it.
Jimmy, it's me, Rick, again.
There are three things I'm thankful for.
My country, my family.
And wait, what's the third one here?
Country, family, and the cane.
The third one, I can't.
Oops.
Jimmy, President Obama here with my final presidential Thanksgiving thanks.
I'm thankful that I am not a Native American.
Those people are getting screwed.
You see that woman who got her arm blown off?
Well, I can't even lift a finger to help her with my good arm that I still have.
I'm thankful everyone still thinks I'm a great guy.
This is Damn Neeson, Jimmy.
Listen very closely.
There's no time to be thankful right now.
Initiate Operation Chromite.
So here is Wolf Blitzer interviewing Rand Paul.
And this is what's kind of wrong.
This is the cancer at the core of American culture.
This is the rot.
You're going to see it right now.
And here, here we go.
Into law, he would presumably veto it.
At the very least, it begins the debate of whether or not we should be at war.
We are refueling the Saudi bombers.
So we are essentially part of the bombing campaign.
We're helping them choose targets, and we are refueling the Saudi bombers that are dropping the bombs.
It is said that thousands of civilians have died in Yemen because of this.
Yes, we need to have a debate over this.
And I don't know what the president will do, but he ought to come to Congress and ask for permission.
We've given him no authority to get involved in the civil war in Yemen.
And we have to ask the bigger question: is this making it better or worse?
Are there more refugees or less geez?
Is there more chaos or less chaos with Saudi Arabia bombing into Yemen?
So, yeah, it's a debate we ought to have.
And no president should unilaterally have this authority without the approval of Congress.
Well, that's a pretty, that seems reasonable.
Doesn't that seem reasonable?
Now, here comes Wolf Blitzer.
Now, remember that he's the paid skeptic.
He's the skeptic.
Here we go.
For you, this is a moral issue because you know there's a lot of jobs at stake.
Certainly, if a lot of these defense contractors stop selling warplanes, other sophisticated equipment to Saudi Arabia, there's going to be a significant loss of jobs and revenue here in the United States.
That's secondary from your standpoint.
Wow.
No, that makes sense.
He is right.
He is right.
Can someone check if Wolf Blitzer's on the board of Raytheon?
If I did not have a portfolio with Raytheon and General Electric in it, I would never have been able to afford a second home.
Yeah, never.
But what's amazing, though, is that people watch this shit and they don't blink at that.
They don't fucking blink.
They're so asleep.
That's so asleep.
He didn't blink at that.
He didn't go, holy shit, what did I just did?
I just say killing people is profitable on a news show?
Yes, that's exactly what he just said.
That really, that really happened right there.
I mean, who needs a jobs program when you have war?
People don't blink at that, but they can talk about breaking bad for hours.
And that's the cancer.
Let me just say, every- Even though it's a good show, I liked it.
But they have no fucking clue about this shit.
This is a dumb political conversation.
I refuse to watch that show.
Why?
I cannot support shows that take place in the Southwest.
Just a little too much of the Latin influence.
Yes, you know.
I won't eat a churro.
You know, a churro is nothing but a donut that is here illegally.
So true.
So true.
Let me just say this to Wolf Blitzer.
If your job is reliant on firebombing third world nations, maybe consider getting a different job.
Like that doesn't even go through his head.
Like, oh, wait a minute.
That's crazy.
No, that's nuts that that happened.
And like he still has his job.
And nobody goes, hey, Wolf Berlin.
You're not supposed to tell everybody exactly what we're doing.
What kind of an asshole?
I get it.
You got a beard.
People like it.
The point is, this is under the table.
Right?
I mean, that's, even you, Representative Martin, that's got to be even stunning to you for a guy to go, hey, you want to stop killing brown people?
We're going to lose a lot of jobs.
And that's, and that's why I think it's better that Barack Obama is leaving and Donald Trump is coming in because Donald Trump puts an ugly face on all the horrible shit that we're currently doing.
Right?
Barack Obama is bombing seven different Muslim countries right now.
People are like, what if Trump does something?
You mean if he bombs eight fucking countries?
These are people who voted for Hillary Clinton, who voted to bomb Iraq, who voted to bomb Libya, who voted to bomb Syria, who voted to bomb Afghanistan.
It's like a shit sandwich or a double shit sandwich.
I don't understand what you guys are talking about.
And that's what drives me crazy, right?
So now I think it's better.
Pretty Barack Obama, who, by the way, is a bit of a monster.
And I know people don't want to hear that.
But he is.
Because right now he could snap his fingers and stop those people getting their heads cracked in in North Dakota.
But guess what?
He's not fucking doing it.
That's right.
Chelsea Manning.
Where is he?
Chelsea Manning was tortured, tortured for revealing war crimes in our country.
And Barack Obama let it happen.
I'm just telling you, because they're like, no, no, no, Barack Obama.
Trump is the best.
If Trump is Trump, no, Trump is fantastic in a sense because now we get to stand up against the horrible shit that our government has been doing for the last 15 fucking years.
More than that, way more than 15 years.
Is this...
You realize he's going to be assassinated.
You had better start looking for another fella.
So that's what's wrong with this.
It's 9 o'clock.
It is 9 o'clock.
So that's what's wrong.
Was that Siri?
No, for some reason, my computer.
Oh.
My computer.
I don't know how it's set.
But this happens during my YouTube show all the time.
You guys notice that?
So it'll tell me the time, and I'll go, it is fucking 9 o'clock.
And then I just keep going.
Maybe it would help if you weren't always high.
If I wasn't always high, I think I would have voted for Hillary.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Thank you.
All right, right now it's time for one of my favorite segments we do on the show.
It's time for Jim Earle and a morning remembrance.
It's a fake obituary of a real dead person.
Here we go, Jim Earl.
Thank you.
That's a lot.
Richard Trentledge, author of the Oscar Meyer Wiener song.
Richard Trentledge, who famously wrote of his two wishes to become an Oscar Meyer Wiener and have everyone be in love with him, is dead after achieving neither.
Family members say that at 87 years of age, he just couldn't muster retirement.
His health was in a pickle.
And sadly, his heart couldn't catch up.
Don't fuck yourself, dear girls.
*laughter*
Who keeps saying that?
Oh, sure, the average American hot dog consumer probably never heard of Richard's name before.
But food historians agree, over his long career, Dick filled a lot of buns.
And a boy.
Ah, boy, Luther.
Witnesses recall how, as Trentledge lay on his deathbed surrounded by admirers, his last words were, quote, the guy who wrote the Armor Hot Dog song still survives.
Sadly, he was mistaken.
Turns out the Armor Hot Dog guy died five hours earlier at Monticello just shortly before freeing his slaves.
The history joke, people, it's funny.
Yeah.
I think if Robert Shearwer, he'd get that.
He wrote books.
When his jingle debuted in 1962, it became an instant hit with millions of children wishing they could grow up to become bacteria-laden carcass waste containing band-aids, broken glass, head fragments, connective tissue,
rat legs, and the FDA allowed percentage of insect parts and human fingers extruded from a vast metal vat, forced through metal grates, blasted with red coloring and powdered preservatives, and squeezed into a plastic tube for cooking.
The tune remained a fixture of Americana for the next half century, not unlike colon cancer.
Most agree that was Trentlich's masterful transition from the present subjunctive, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener, into the present conditional subjunctive, because if I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener, that appealed to most American children.
That and all that MSG.
That was a grammar joke.
You don't have to clap for that.
You said the joke, it wasn't fucking funny.
I always get along with Asians so well.
Over his long career, Trentlich wrote many popular jingles, including, wow, it sure doesn't taste like tomato juice for V8.
Unfortunately, it was for GM Chevy V8.
So that made actually no sense at all.
I mean, why would a car engine taste like tomato juice?
It is perplexing, really.
The deceased recommended his body be stored in a freezer right next to Ted Williams' frozen head.
So when Williams wakes up, he has something to eat.
Jim Earl, ladies and gentlemen.
Great job.
Yay!
Why did Hillary Clinton really lose?
And here's why Hillary Clinton really lost.
If you listen to this show, you know it's because Bill Clinton turned his back on the working people and he got in bed with Wall Street and Silicon Valley and now there's nobody representing workers.
And for proof of that, here's the leader in the Senate, Chuck Schumer, to tell you what their strategy was last November.
For every blue-collar Democrat we will lose in Western PA, we will pick up two, three moderate Republicans in the suburbs of Philadelphia.
Repeat that and it worked out pretty well.
And where can you repeat that, Chuck?
Oh, in Wisconsin.
Yeah, it turns out she lost all those states.
That was the problem.
We all know that, right?
The problem is that there was supposed to be a party that represents corporate interests and a party that represents workers.
And now there isn't a party that represents workers.
There's only a party that represents corporations and another party that represents corporations.
So that's the real problem.
And so now here's Karen Finney.
She was the chief strategist for the Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign.
Now, this is, she went on CNN, and this is her opus to bullshit and deflecting and committed to losing to Trump for four more years.
So, this, watch how many excuses she gives.
They ask her, and here we go.
We've had some time to digest it.
What happened?
Well, look, I think the answer to that question is complicated.
Yeah, it's complicated.
You know, was Hillary Clinton the worst candidate of our lifetime or the worst candidate of all time?
It's really complicated.
Heard a lot of lot some of it last week from Jennifer Palmieri and from Secretary Clinton herself and John Podesta.
I think there were a number of factors.
But none of those factors are Hillary Clinton or myself.
Let's get that straight.
A number of factors, not ours.
I do think it's wise for us to take a step back and recognize that it's going to take a little time to fully understand what happened, but I'll offer.
It's such a fucking mystery.
A couple of thoughts.
I mean, number one.
He's going to give us a couple of thoughts.
First of all, we were working with a candidate that was less popular than cancer.
But if you look at the data, she was more popular than pancreatic cancer.
And we're really proud that all the work we did to get those numbers up.
But do you realize how fun it is to watch people vote against their interests?
It's like a jacuzzi.
Let's listen to her.
Let's listen to her litany of excuses.
And I think one of the things we saw, there were a number of headwinds that just proved to be too strong.
Headwinds.
It was the headwinds.
You know, the headwind of no message, that wind was strong.
Being out of touch was another's wind.
The breeze of our arrogance that we were going to win, that's also a headwind.
How about the breeze of the Iraq war or the gust of Libya or the gale of Honduras?
Or maybe it was the hurricane of gutting welfare while you're caught up in a tornado of exploding the prison population.
Hey, how come you think Jon Stewart had nothing to say?
I'm serious.
How come you think Jon Stewart is such kind of like, you know, he didn't have anything to say?
Because he didn't critique the system.
He didn't ever say, by the way, why?
Why do you think that is?
Because he's part of it?
Because he got paid millions of fucking dollars by the system.
He's paid.
By the way, when people watch Rachel Maddow, understand that she makes more money in one day than most Americans make in an entire year.
Most wage earners earn less than $30,000 a year.
Rachel Maddow earns $30,000 a day.
Just so you fucking know why she lied for Hillary Clinton and bullshitted Bernie Sanders and kneecapped a real progressive when he came along because she's part of the fucking problem.
And I don't like saying this.
I used to like her.
I used to turn to her for solace.
I used to love her show even when she decided to be boring for the first 15 minutes.
But this last election revealed that it's hard to take $7 million a year, $30,000 a fucking day, $140,000 a week.
And it's hard to take that kind of money from Comcast, which was voted the worst company to work for in the fucking world.
It's hard to take.
Oh, by the way.
She wrote the foreword to my book, though.
That's before she was earning the big money, right?
I have a couple of copies back there.
If you would like a copy of Jim Murrow's Morning Remembrance, he'll be signing them after the idea of the show.
So let's get back to here's some more bullshit from Karen Finney.
Electing the first woman president was always going to be tough.
Yes, electing the first woman president was always going to be tough, especially with a woman who never did a fucking thing to help women.
Thank you.
And I think given the level of sexism and misogyny that we saw come to the surface and be very public, I think that supports the fact that in this country we're going to have to have a real conversation about that.
Conversation?
Unlike the bullshit conversation I'm giving you right now about why we lost.
This was also the first election that we had without the protections of the Voting Rights Act.
Oh, the Voting Rights Act, that's why she lost.
Eddie, you remember when they repealed the Voting Rights Act in Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Michigan?
Me neither, because they fucking didn't have it involved.
There's a lot of good work going on now to try to understand what kind of implications.
There's a lot of good work going on right now to try to understand when you don't provide the majority of Americans with a party that represents.
We're trying to figure out what the fuck that's about.
By the way, when I watch these interviews, I always fantasize that there's going to be someone in a suit of armor coming with the broadsword, and they just take their heads off and then they're just left there.
And then these two talking heads just go, well, that was Karen Finney.
But it never happens.
Never happens.
Never happens, Eddie.
Here we go.
A little more than this.
That may have had.
I also think that one of the things we have to take a look at is what happened with the third-party votes.
Because in a number of cases, Hillary States, by very close margins.
I had friends giving me shit that I voted.
Yeah, you know.
In a state that Hillary won.
Eddie, but don't you understand what she's saying?
She's saying if the people who voted would have just fucking voted differently.
Like, where do those people get off thinking they can just vote for whoever the fuck they feel like?
This is America.
You have to vote for who we tell you to, you asshole.
Now I'm going to get fired!
applause & cheers!
Does he wake up angry?
Can I say that?
Yeah, by the way, there has to be a price to pay for being misinformed.
Wait a minute.
Right?
I mean, how do you just zone out to 12 hours of girls?
Well, there was a there was a brief.
So I used to fly so much that I once got bumped.
I used to get bummed up to first class.
That doesn't happen anymore because I don't fly that much.
But I was bummed up to first class and I fell asleep and I woke up swearing.
Fuck this shit.
And I'm in first class and I was like, fuck this shit.
I don't know what to do.
Like, I just acted like I was saying it.
That fucking sir.
First class is sweet, isn't it?
By the way, yes, it is.
Jimmy, I can tell you that if you would just abandon your conscience, you will sleep like a baby.
Yes, that's what Ram Emanuel told me.
Here we go.
We should have, just one more thing.
We should have, instead of this kind of network, we should have like the homeless news network and just homeless guys and women just going, motherfucker!
And that's the news.
Motherfucker, you fuck with me.
You fuck with me one more time.
I'm sorry, we're offering some break.
Your first motherfucker's first when we come back after the break.
I want to do the homeless news network.
We should do that.
That was John.
He has no last name.
We'll be back.
By the way, before the show, Eddie's sitting there shaming me for eating chicken fingers because he's a vegan.
And I'm very close to being a vegan.
So this is the last hurrah for the chicken fingers for me.
And so he comes over and he's starting to be morally superior to me right in my face.
And then Jim Murrow walks over and he's like, oh, you're eating chicken, huh?
And then Eddie Peppett goes, hey, you eat fucking cheese.
I understand still.
And then Jim Murray goes, you see, this shirt's made out of oil.
Yours is made out of cotton, isn't it?
That fucking pocket's worth 15,000 gallons of water right there.
I'm like, we are in California right now.
They are not having this conversation where I grew up.
I'll tell you that.
Guys bragging about his shirts made out of used tires.
You're tired.
Your shirt's made out of cotton.
You're an asshole.
Like, what world did I wake up in today, anyway?
A world that cares about the most powerless among us, the animals.
I'm thinking I'm the only one that enjoys steak while sitting in a chair made of steak.
Just me.
Just me.
It's expensive because every time I'm done, then I have to throw the chair away.
All right, here we go.
She has more to say.
In places where perhaps that third-party vote could have made up the difference.
So I think there are any number of factors.
I also happen to believe, having been on the road, the Comey letter did have an impact on our momentum.
It was palpable, frankly, in some of the places that I visited.
I was traveling, as you know, pretty consistently since the convention with Tim Kaine, and so had a real sense of what was happening on the ground.
So again, I think there are a conflict.
If you're keeping score at home, so far, why she lost headwinds, headwinds, the Voting Rights Act, third parties, and the Comey letter and sexism.
I mean, what did she have going for?
She was the former first lady of a two-term president.
She had the entire establishment media behind her and the establishment behind her and a billion dollars.
It's like she didn't even have a fucking chance.
Am I right?
It is amazing she lost.
It really is.
Nobody's going to know what kind of struggles, the obstacles a white woman from Yale has to fucking overcome.
She's got more to say.
Of a whole host of things, there's not one simple answer to what happened here.
Unless that one simple answer is she was the worst fucking candidate in the history of the world.
Ever.
Ever.
I mean, unless you want to boil it down to that.
Because there's that.
On the Comey letters, Karen.
By the way, it looks like Karen is going to swallow.
This is what she sounds like.
Honest.
I went out of guests.
I had a flat tire.
I didn't have enough money for Cab Spare.
My trust didn't come back for the cleaners.
An old friend came in from out of town.
Someone stole my car.
There's an earthquake.
A terrible flood.
Locus.
It wasn't my fault.
I swear to God!
To me, that's what they sound like.
To me, that's what they sound like.
There's a little bit more.
Is that the Belushi fella?
Yes.
Oh, God, I love his brother.
His brother is.
Make some terrific movies.
Mr. Destiny.
The world according to Jim.
What was his sitcom?
His brother.
Oh, you know who else I like?
Gallagher 2.
You ever see Gallagher 2?
Yes.
So here, Karen Fridney has more to say.
On the Comey letters, Karen, it has been in the reporting and kind of the conversations coming out of donor phone calls and with Hillary Clinton and other members of Team Clinton.
It's been described, the Comey Letters, as one hurdle too many for the campaign to overcome without the Comey letters.
Would you guys have won?
Are you sure of that?
You know, you can never be sure of anything in hindsight, but what I would say.
No, they say hindsight's 2020, but if you stick your head up your ass, you only see shit.
You seem anti-Hillary to me.
Eddie, they had to go up against a third party.
Come on, Hillary Clinton's no match for the political dynamism of Jill Stein and Gary Johnson.
It certainly felt that way.
And again, having been on the road, you know, we were seeing increasing sizes of crowds, increasing, increasingly, people were more emotional on some of these rope lines.
People were more emotional on the rope lines.
They were like, oh my God, you really are going to lose.
Something that you tend to see, frankly, when you are getting towards the end, and people, you know, the momentum is there with you because people, you know, they believe you might be the person who is holding in their hand the future of their family.
And so the energy and enthusiasm, but also just the intensity that we were seeing.
And then we did see.
It didn't seem.
Let me just say, if excuses were votes, they would have won a fucking landslide, okay?
Feel a bit different, and there did seem to be a bit of a difference.
Like I say, I can only speak to what was happening on the ground and what I saw and felt.
Yeah, on the ground, but where Hillary lost was in the air.
So I can't really tell you.
It wasn't my fault!
I swear to God!
A couple things.
I mean, on the foundation bit, and there's nothing to argue on it, but we did cover very extensively.
I mean, the Trump campaign didn't like how much that we talked about the Trump Foundation.
I mean, that was extensively covered.
I just want to point that out, and I know that you know that.
But when it comes to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, did you guys underestimate Donald Trump, do you think?
You know, I think that's hard to say.
You know, again, one of the other pieces that it's hard to say, Eddie.
We're going to have to learn about what happened here is, did everybody underestimate what was going on?
Oh, everybody!
Anyway, if everybody made a mistake, then fuck about what he made of messages.
What is the Trump Foundation?
I watched Fox News.
There was nothing on there about that.
It wasn't my fault!
I swear to CARD!
*Dies*
Hi, this is Jimmy.
Hi.
What?
What's going on?
This is Jimmy.
Who is this?
Who is this?
It's me.
Who?
Me, who?
Chris.
Is this Chris?
I mean, when you said Chris Christie?
Chris.
It's Governor Chris Christie.
Hi, Chris.
How are you?
Are you okay?
Chris.
I got the rage huffs.
I'll be fine.
Well, okay, what are you raging about, buddy?
What's the thing that you're raging about?
Why do you have to rage off?
I'm a victim of a vendetta.
What?
A vendetta.
A vendetta.
Oh, that's right.
There's reports that you've been ousted or demoted on the Trump transition team.
God damn right.
And for all my loyalty to that human Belch.
I get tossed on the side of the road like a sack of rotten potatoes.
Yeah, yeah, you did get tossed on the side of the road.
That's too bad, buddy.
And you know who's behind it?
No, who's behind it?
My new nemesis, Jared Kushner, Trump's son-in-law.
I get the hi-hat from the little funook who married the Trump daughter with the Polak name.
Havanka?
Yeah, that's the one.
Ivanka.
Her mother's name was Ivana.
So shouldn't Donald Trump's son be named Donkel?
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Oh, guess what?
There's a lot more to that phone call.
You know it.
How do you hear the rest of it?
By supporting the show.
It's real easy.
It only costs less than $5 a month to become a premium member.
And you get to hear all the stuff that you don't get to hear in the regular show.
Like I said, we did on election week, we dropped, I think, five premium podcasts.
So when we have something to say, we drop one.
So it's a great way to help support the show.
If you pay for the whole year at once, we give you a month free.
So it ends up being less than $5 a month.
That's like a nickel a day, not even.
It's nothing.
And you're really supporting a progressive show.
And it's a big help, right?
So there you go.
I don't know if anybody has a premium program for less money than less than $5 a month.
So even if you don't like premium, you should join because it really helps support the show.
All right.
That's it for this week.
Thanks to everybody who made it out to the show.
That show sold out way ahead of time.
But I like to have that size of a room, right?
So I like doing it at the Improv Lab.
We're looking into doing it monthly, if not weekly.
What a blast it is to meet everybody who listens to the show and watches the show and to do it live.
It is a blast.
So thanks to everybody over at the Improv.
Thanks to Jamie and to Steph for setting it up and making everything happen.
Okay.
I want to thank my guests.
Also, Eddie Pepetone.
Big thanks to Eddie Pepetone for making it out.
Check out Eddie Pepetone.
Also, Paul Gilmartin.
You know, he does that podcast about, it's called the Mental Pod, the Happy Hour.
What is it called?
The Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast.
So there you go.
I've been a guest on that show because I certainly have mental illness.
So check that out.
That's Paul's.
And today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Robert Yasimura, Mark Van Landuit, Jim Earl, Frank Conniff, Steph Zamarano, and anybody else who I forgot to mention.
Mike McRae.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only The Inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
All right, that's it for this week.
We'll see you next week.
Until then, this is Jimmy Dorr saying you be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out!
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not kidding.
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