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Sept. 10, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:07:02
20160910_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_9-9-16
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore show.
Hillary Clinton derided the alt-right in her speech last week, so we thought we'd get a caller.
is our first caller from the alt-right online community.
Saint Himmler, are you there?
Hey, Jimmy, what's up?
Hi, Satan Himmler.
Thanks for joining us.
Yeah, hey, no problem.
It's full of be on your podcast.
So do I call you Saint Himmler or can I call you by your real name?
It's probably best to go just with Saint Himmler, if that's okay with you.
Probably shouldn't reveal my real name because that would cause, you know, you'd have some serious problems for me.
All right, that's fine.
Well, look, St. Himmler, we've heard a lot about the alt-right lately, and I have to admit, I don't completely understand what the term means, which means a lot of my listeners probably don't either.
Can you enlighten us?
Ah, I like that choice of words, enlightening.
That's very apt.
That's what the alt-right is really about, enlightening people.
But to answer your question, the alt-right is a term that generally refers to people who are conservative or have conservative views, but completely reject the conservative establishment altogether.
But it's really an umbrella term for a bunch of different ideologies.
And which of these ideologies do you adhere to?
Well, personally, politically speaking, I am a neo-papal monarchist.
Although not all alt-right people are neo-papal monarchists.
And what does that mean?
It means that I'm a devout Catholic, and I believe that societies function better as monarchies or ruled by enlightened Kurds and despots, as opposed to the rather crude democracy that we see in America currently,
where literally the least educated and qualified to determine matters of state are allowed to vote and do vote in droves.
So are you a white supremacist also?
Sorry, I fail to see how any of what I just said could be construed as white supremacist per se, considering how carefully I phrased it.
I'm asking that because your Twitter avatar is a picture of Heinrich Himmler with a halo over his head.
Oh, well, okay, Jimmy.
Yeah, I'm sure you're completely innocent in the ways of being a provocateur.
I mean, come on, give me a break.
You know the drill as well as anybody.
You know that in this day and age, you have to get a rise out of people.
Just because my avatar is the head of the XX doesn't mean I am literally espousing National Socialist ideals necessarily.
It's meant to be provocative and pissed off the exact people that it is pissing off, meaning the reactionary left who are just basically a bunch of cucks.
So the alt-right doesn't have any white supremacists in it.
Oh, no, I mean, I didn't say that.
There are definitely a lot of neo-Nazis in the alt-right.
There's definitely a stormfront wing of the movement, or at least race realists.
There's a lot more of those.
And you condone that.
I don't not condone it, but my point is that I am not personally responsible for other people's tweets or 4chan posts, just like you're not responsible for other leftists calling for white genocide.
So what exactly is the movement of ragtag internet heroes such as yourself looking to accomplish?
Well, I think you just mean we need to look at what we are doing.
Look at what we have accomplished.
First of all, we have successfully, through memes and 4chan posts, associated Pepe the Frog, the cartoon character, with the alt-right movement and a Trump campaign in general.
I mean, we did that.
We reclaimed Pepe from normies and cucks, and I know that drives you crazy.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Also, we are basically the only free speech purists out there right now, and we're making people aware of that through our online activity.
If you care about the First Amendment at all, you really don't have any other choice than to support us.
It's us or the cucks.
So look at what we accomplished with Leslie Jones.
What you accomplished?
You mean bullied in an unspeakably racist way a black entertainer online simply for being black and being in the Ghostbusters remake?
Bingo, exactly.
I mean, get the boy a cookie.
I think he's starting to see the light.
It's totally free speech to tweet monkey pictures at a famous black person.
That's the freest speech there is.
And what was the result?
What happened?
Twitter banned Milo because they just decided that he was the ringleader of the whole thing.
This is Milo Yannalopoulos, however you say his name, the infamous tech editor at Breitbart.
Yes.
All hail, Milo.
Long live Milo.
And Twitter bans him for life over stupid Ghostbuster Lady that shows the hypocrisy of the cuck left.
They banned him for literally promoting free speech.
And that just says volumes.
All the alt-right really wants is a transparent society full of free speech so that we can have a better society.
And seeing Milo gets getting banned unfairly just proves our point.
So you guys are patting yourself on the back basically because you were horribly racist and some people got rightfully upset over it.
Oh, Jimmy, you're starting to sound kind of like a cuck, aren't you?
Now, I mean, I knew you were a normie, but please don't tell me you're a cuck.
It would be super disappointing.
All right, you keep saying this word.
What does cuck mean?
Well, cuck is short for cuckold, which sort of is, in an explicit sense, means a man whose woman is cheating on him.
And in modern online porn parlance, the man is easily complicit in the arrangement of a more masculine man sleeping with his wife.
But the way we use it, all right, it's just basically sort of shorthand for a beta male, a weak male, especially someone on the left who's fallen for the lies of feminism.
So it just feels like a weak, non-manly man.
Hello?
Yes, yes, a cuck.
Oh my God, you guys invented a new insult term.
Yeah, we did.
Let me call Websters.
You guys are really doing a great job.
There's already a term.
I hear George Clooney calling in and talking about screwing your wife and you don't do anything.
You take it.
Guys who call other guys cucks usually are guys like you.
And who are guys like you?
I'm going to guess guys who have marks all over their body from women touching them with 10-foot poles.
That's self-you're led by a self-hating gay who is a right-winger, a right-wing, self-hating gay.
Boy, if he was just a black in the KKK, you guys would have a perfect guy to follow.
And the fact that people give people like you attention just goes to show you that a lot of people live in a clickbait world because that's all this.
There's no there there with you guys.
You're six-year-old.
You're Donald Trump personified.
There's nothing to you guys.
There's no 80,000 guys like 80,000 Twitter followers.
And guys like Sam Harris give guys like you cover, and they don't have the balls to call you out because I guess you buy a lot of his books and listen to lots of his podcasts.
But I'll call you out.
It's nice to talk to you.
There's nothing.
You guys have nothing to say.
You're just right-wingers on the internet.
That's all you are.
And you think you guys are clever?
Yeah, we're not on the internet and we're leading a movement on the internet.
You're not victims, but you are sexist, nerdy dudes who are self-hating.
I think it's trying to be kind of hard to hate myself with 80,000 Twitter followers and knowing that I associated part of the movement that associated Pepe the Frog with Trump's champagne.
That's something that we did.
What have you done?
Yes.
You guys are doing the Lord's work.
It's really nice to talk to you.
Tell the truth.
You do look forward to losing your virginity.
Yeah, well, that's pretty funny.
I guess you're a comedian or whatever.
Okay, okay.
Good tuck.
You know what?
Maybe if I am a virgin, it's because of my Catholic faith, which makes me stronger, actually, than someone who is profligate with women.
So, in a way, you're the cock.
Look, look, hey, look, I gotta go.
Like, I'm a busy man with my, there's a lot of going on today.
So I have to go over to Reddit right now because Mark Roppalo's doing an AMA and we're all meeting here to call him a cat.
Mark Roppalo.
I want my heart to be back!
It's the Jimmy Door Show.
The show for.
The kind of people that are.
Commence maybe on Tearing Down Our Nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, Tay Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Doer show.
I have joined in the studio.
We've got a special guest this week.
You know him, co-host of the Two Dope Boys podcast.
Also, Philadelphia for the Majority Report with Sam Cedar.
And he's here for us today.
It's Michael Brooks.
Hey, Michael, how are you?
Hey, Jimmy, great to be here.
Two Dope Boys and a podcast.
It's called Two Dope Boys and a Podcast.
Contributor by the majority.
A podcast called Two Dope Boys and a Podcast.
Yes.
You put the name podcast in the name of the podcast?
Well, it is an Outcast song called Two Dope Boys and a Cadillac.
Oh, I am so out of touch.
I didn't want, you know what?
I didn't want to spell it out for you because I figured you were an Outcast fan.
I just thought I'd be stepping on your lines.
It's embarrassing that I don't know that.
I'm so, I'm so, I used to say I was street, but I guess I can't anymore.
Also, with, and you're a contributor to this more majority.
Yeah, host on Monday, contributor the rest of the days of the week.
Doing impressions and whatnot.
Yes.
Oh, sorry, not sorry.
Sorry, not sorry.
You might remember Michael.
I was on his show, and he did that hilarious bitch.
So we're going to hopefully do more of it.
Also with us from the miserable liberal, it's Steph Zemerano, our Mexican, our resident Latina.
And our Mexican.
And our Mexican.
It just turns out.
Hello.
I mean, Ola.
I almost sounded like Trump there for a second.
Where's my Mexican?
Also with us, a hilarious comedian, Hank Thompson.
Hello, Hank.
I'm the resident, somewhat Swedish, German, mutt, English, Dutch, racist Midwestern.
Oh, okay.
That's redundant.
Also, okay, so let's get to some of the jokes before we get to the jokes.
I don't know.
Everybody's talking about the Matt Lauer taking it on the chin for his interviewing skills doing the town hall.
You know, by the way, he just looks so thin.
You got to give it to him.
He's so thin.
And you know why Matt Lauer is so thin?
Because when he goes into a restaurant, he turns to the waiter and he asks, what's the soup of the day?
And he never gets an entree because he doesn't ask a follow-up question.
There you go.
Well, I mean, if I was that rich, I would be fat all day long.
I would not, you know, he looks good.
The beauty of it, Hank, is that you do not have to be rich to be fat all day.
I've been proving that.
Your dreams can come true right now.
That's right.
This is America.
I was fat all day long for a couple and I was super poor.
I don't know how I did it.
I don't know how I did it.
I remember how I did it.
I had dessert.
Especially with all those cooking segments that he hosts in the mornings.
Oh, Matt Lauer, you would think he'd gained more money.
I mean, more weight.
Wild yummy fruit.
He's gained a lot of money.
He makes.
Come on.
People are giving him a hard time.
It's not like he has resources.
The guy only gets paid $25 million a year.
And NBC flies him in to do the show three out of five days a week.
But those other two days in a car.
Okay.
Hey, to hear Cole Powell.
He's getting his own email scandal.
I don't know if you, guys, if Colin Powell's email story is ruining the reputation of the man who misled America into the Iraq war.
Right.
That whole thing.
Yeah.
Remember that?
How does he still have an impeccable brand?
I don't know.
He's the guy who actually gave the presentation out of the UN with the props.
Because he says little rice and vials and stuff with Tennant behind him looking like he's in the godfather.
Yes.
Yeah.
I don't know why.
Look at all Mafiosa.
How did his reputation get restored after it was revealed he was a black Republican?
How do you, how do you not know?
Well, that was a double Obama endorsement on that one.
Oh, that's right.
Give credit recording.
That's right.
He had a double Obama endorsement.
Well, maybe you're not a Republican if you're endorsing the other kind of thing.
I think maybe you have a fraction of self-respect.
Maybe, maybe.
You ever think about that if you consistently find yourself supporting the other party?
Maybe you're not a Republican.
Hey, I'm a Republican, but I'm voting for this liberal.
Sorry, not sorry.
Sorry, not sorry.
Oh, back to back to Matt Lauer.
I forgot.
I have some more Matt Lauer jokes.
Because Matt Lauer, he did go to journalism school, and I'm sure he got an A in sitting oddly by while an interview subject tells a provable lie.
101.
101 is what makes that joke happen.
Is when you sit down with a belligerent sociopath.
Let him talk.
101.
These are all jokes.
Start putting 101 in there.
Hey, did you hear the Pope's going to make Mother Teresa saint?
Did you hear that?
I'm not surprised to hear that the Pope's going to make Mother Teresa a saint, but I didn't expect it would be for her performance in the production of nonsense.
You Catholic kids.
So much trauma.
Does that mean she gets discounts in heaven now?
What do you get from being a saint?
You get a few slaves.
They put you on the coins.
They give you a few slaves in that.
That's nice.
So you don't have to be.
In case she has to go off to college, a slave will go with her.
Oh, good.
Monogram slaves.
Yes.
I don't know what.
I'm sure she doesn't care.
She's dead.
That's true.
Hey, Hillary Clinton, racking up the endorsements.
She just got the CEO of Starbucks.
He announced it.
He says, I'm endorsing Hallie Clinton.
He got the name wrong when he wrote it on her cup.
Typical Starbucks.
All right.
Breakfast.
God has the most I've heard in ages.
Hey, Phyllis Schlafly died.
But you know who Phyllis Slaffley is, Hank?
It's amazing that Phyllis Schlafly managed to die in the 21st century while living in the 19th century.
Phyllis Schlafly.
She's up in heaven doing what she wants for eternity, denying poor people health care.
That's what I don't know if you get a chance to do that in heaven, but if you do, she's doing it.
Well, it's heaven.
It is.
It's heaven.
You know, Phyllis Slaffley planned, they feel that the jokes about her death are too soon, which is also the way they feel about equal rights for women, coincidentally.
Am I right?
Too soon.
And her death was too late.
Well, how to get something that should never happen to be too soon, Jimmy.
You know what?
I like Phyllis Schlafly because she was batshit before Batshit was cool.
Right?
Rest in peace.
You know, in Louis Flowers, Phyllis Schlafly's family requests that you take a moment to set back the cause of women right in her honor.
That's what that's those are all our jokes.
Walk behind your husband's on the way to the funeral.
Yes.
Hey, what's coming up of this week's show?
We're going to take a look at Matt Lauer's interview in the town hall.
And should journalists actually care about truth and facts?
The answer just may surprise you, or will it?
Media critic at Fox News is shocked to find out that people think it's right wing.
That would be like being shocked that Roger Hale sexually harassed women.
Hey, Gary Johnson gets stumped.
Gary Johnson does his Sarah Palin impression on Morning Joe.
Plus, we got phone calls today.
John Bader calls in today.
Barack Obama calls in today.
John Bader's been driving around in an RV around the country.
This is true.
He calls in to tell us about it.
Is this really happening?
Also, Barack Obama calls in to talk about all the horrible things the Democrats are doing.
And we have a new caller.
We have alt-right, alt-right caller.
That's right.
We have an alt-right listener, and he calls in.
Oh, it's going to be fantastic.
Plus a lot, lot more that's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
So I don't know if you saw the NBC forum last night with the presidential candidates, an NBC forum.
That involves a TV morning show host who doesn't do his research asking questions of a TV reality star who also doesn't do his research.
I'm here, by the way, Michael Brooks, Steph Zabarado, Haig Thompson.
Now, here's one of the first questions.
There were no specifics.
Like, for instance, let's say if Matt Lauer would have said, hey, Trump, Hamas, Hezbollah, hemorrhoids, what's the difference?
I will tell you.
I'm going to guess Matt Lauer doesn't know the difference himself.
He would say, I will tell you, we need to get tough on all of them.
I mean, it's true.
It's really true.
I will tell you this.
He will.
That's my new response to everything now.
I will tell you.
And obfuscate.
So, no, my problem with Matt Lauer was not only that he didn't ask follow-up questions or pushback when someone lied.
No, that would be it.
That would probably be, that would be what he did wrong.
He didn't ask follow-up questions and he didn't push back when someone lied.
And he didn't even know when Trump gave an incorrect, like when there was a soldier said, hey, 20 veterans commit suicide every day.
And Trump said, actually, it's 22.
No, actually, it's 20.
And so Trump didn't know it.
And Matt Lauer didn't know that Trump was wrong.
Here's the thing everybody's pointing to when they were talking about the Iraq war.
So here we go.
I have good judgment.
I know what's going on.
I've called so many of the shots.
And I happened to hear Hillary Clinton say that I was not against the war in Iraq.
I was totally against the war in Iraq.
You can look at Esquire magazine from 04.
You can look at before that.
And I was against the war in Iraq.
Just so you know, 04, year after the war started.
That's awesome.
And I was like, you could look before that.
You could.
Could do a lot of that.
We could look before that.
Believe me, if you had something before that, you would tell us.
You could even look before.
I haven't bothered.
And Matt Lauer doesn't go.
So you haven't bothered to look?
Because that's a year after the war started that you say you said that in that Esquire.
Because I said it's going to totally destabilize the Middle East, which it has.
It has absolutely been a disastrous war.
And by the way, perhaps almost as bad was the way Barack Obama got out.
That was a disaster.
People talk about you and Commander and that's it.
That's it.
He just let him say all that crap and then he didn't say, beat all up, peep.
Okay.
All right.
You tell me, Michael, what would you have said in that situation?
Would you have said anything?
I would have stared blankly ahead and let him keep bulldozing his way over me, obviously, Jimmy.
I'm trying to build my career here.
What's the matter with you?
No, there was a Howard Sturd interview from 2002, right before the invasion.
Stern's like, so what do you think about Iraq?
Should we go in?
And what's great about it, if you go back and listen, I don't remember exactly what they were talking about, but they were talking about either girls or a new building, you know, something that Trump would prefer to talk about.
And he's kind of like, yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah, I guess we got to go in.
Anyways, the new floor plans.
I mean, like, not only did he support it, he supported it as like an afterthought.
Yeah, like, oh, yeah.
Yeah, there's more important things to talk about.
Like, I've actually brought in some new Slovenian sex slaves.
So I'd like to get back to that.
But I mean, sure, whatever.
We can invade Iraq.
Yeah, he said, yeah, he didn't like, it wasn't like a big deal for him.
He was like, yeah, we should have went.
He goes, I think, I wish we'd have did it right the first time.
That was the second part of that quote.
What should we have done the first time?
Like, created this quagmire?
Like, anyway.
Now, we were all talking about how Matt Lauer should have pushed back on that.
MSNBC, They asked the same question.
Matt Lauer totally gave Trump a free pass because Trump has received five deferments from the military, 15 deferments from Matt Lauer last night.
And which, if you saw that clip of Donald Trump at the Black Church in Detroit last week, I totally believe those physical deferments.
Dude is uncoordinated.
Oh, I know.
I did not see it.
Was he trying to dance?
I did not see it.
Not everybody can dance like President Bush.
He was doing a dance move called The Bone Spur.
Yes.
So here is the last night on MSNBC.
This question comes up.
Chris Matthews, how do you debate a presidential candidate who took the position we absolutely should go into Libya, go in hard, and now says he never did.
No one's had to really deal with that.
And the president says, well, you have to call the guy a liar when you do that.
That's the problem.
That's a difficult thing for a Matt Lauer to do because it sounds like an opinion.
And you're not supposed to have an opinion in this business.
Facts aren't opinions.
That's why they're called facts.
See, there you go.
Morning show hosts shouldn't have opinions.
So what Matthews is saying, I agree with you.
And Matthews is afraid if he says Trump is lying, he'll be considered biased.
And he'd much rather be considered full of shit.
That's what passes.
Network journalists, network journalists can't call politicians liars because that's crossing a line into no man's land where you're telling the truth, exposing corruption, and changing things for the better.
We can't have that.
This is not stunning to you, Michael, that Chris Matthews would say, if you call, if you point out when a politician is blatantly lying, everyone else in the room knows he's lying.
But if you point it out, you might be considered biased.
That's all mainstream news journalists.
You know how the right wing says, oh, they're liberal, they're liberal, they're liberal.
Well, that actually has an effect that actually went.
That's called working the refs.
So now, guys like Chris Matthews, who have corporate bosses, their biggest fear is that they'll be called a liberal.
That's their biggest fear.
Chris Matthews has described himself as center-right.
Their biggest fear is that they'll be considered to have liberal bias.
Yeah, no, I think that's true.
I mean, as I always say with MSNBC, available.
But besides that, I think, though, it's also just that the etiquette over anything else, which is unbelievable.
Like this notion that being rude to somebody is like this sort of transcendent thing.
That's a bigger deal than, and also the inverse.
I mean, it kind of does amaze me, particularly with Trump, that there isn't the flip of like, wait a second, like you just looking at me in the face and fucking lying to me, not even in like the traditional political way where you try to kind of massage it and bullshit and give me a frame.
That's like just kind of basically insulting at a certain point.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
When someone lies to me like that and someone lies to me in front of people, that's insulting to me.
Like, you think I'm dumb enough that you can get it past me?
You're going to give it past all these people.
You're going to, that is insulting because he does think you're too dumb.
And guess what?
He was right.
Matt Lauer was going to let him get away with it.
And he did let him get away with it.
I love that dumb.
It's true.
Chris Matthews sounds like an opinion when you do that.
Yeah, when the media is so terrified of truth because what it might sound like, that explains why we have Donald Trump.
Calling out lies is the basics, the basics of being a journalist.
Otherwise, we could just get Ryan Seacrest to host the goddamn town hall.
He's good on camera and he knows how to keep the clock and he's affable and personable.
Why?
Why don't you get Ryan Seacrest?
Because you're supposed to have a newsman who knows something.
So when someone starts spewing lies to your viewing audience, you get to correct it and go, no, this is a news show.
Those aren't facts.
That's the whole point of a news show, right?
Otherwise, we would turn on a soap opera where everything's made up and nobody knows what's right or wrong.
But Chris Matthews, he went on to say, how does he do that with still and still look neutral?
Well, here's the thing.
You're not supposed to be neutral.
Neutral means everybody's equal.
Everybody's opinion means the same, has the same weight.
Nobody's full of shit and nobody's lying.
I'm neutral to the facts.
That's not what journalism is.
Journalism is your objective and you can be objective and say, hey, that guy's lying.
Hey, that's not a fact.
And he's full of it.
You can do all those things and be objective.
But what corporate journalists have done is they replaced objectivity with neutrality because they no longer work for news organizations.
They work for the corporations.
News organizations are supposed to be investigating and exposing.
So when you work for the criminals you're supposed to be exposing, you take objectivity and throw it out the window and you replace it with neutrality and nobody ever questions you on it.
And that's what's happening.
So I'll give you one more thing.
Here's what the New York Times had to say about Chris Matthews.
And how do you call somebody a liar without it looking like you're a partisan?
Why would a journalist be allergic to verifying the truth?
On an MSNBC panel, Chris Matthews guessed that Matt Lauer didn't correct Mr. Trump on Iraq because of perceptions.
You have to call the guy a liar when you do that, he said.
That's a difficult thing for Matt Lauer to do because it sounds like an opinion.
But it's not an opinion.
When a candidate says he didn't say something that he did, that's a matter of fact.
Here's what an opinion looks like.
It's a travesty to be steamrolled by a candidate because you're worried that doing your job will look bad.
That's an opinion.
We can debate that.
That's a lot of shade by New York Times standards.
A lot of shade.
That's impressive.
So there you go, Chris Matthews.
It gets worse from there.
Okay, so just so you know, it's a little bit of an extra long show this week.
So we go over the hour mark, well over, well, not well, whatever.
You'll see.
You know, you just downloaded the show.
So anyway, that happens.
Just giving you the heads up.
And that's like our little treat as a thank you for everybody who uses our Amazon.com link when they buy stuff at Amazon.
Because boy, it really does help the show.
So thanks to everybody who does that.
That's not just lip service.
It really helps.
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So thanks to everybody who does that.
It's a big deal.
And so enjoy the extra 10 minutes of show or whatever we have.
It's a lot more extra show this week.
It's 25% more show, you guys.
All right.
So thanks everybody who uses our Amazon.
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Okay, we got a lot of stuff coming up in the second half.
You know it because it's going to go extra long.
We got a call from John Boehner to kick us off.
Let's get right to that.
Thank you.
you you *music* So, John Boehner has posted a short video of himself driving an RV across the country.
I don't know if you've seen it, but we did, and we thought we'd give him a ring.
This is your captain.
laughter Speaker Boehner?
I don't know who that is.
I'm Captain Boehner of the land ship America One.
Oh, well, Mr. Speaker, it's Jimmy Doer.
Jibo, you weak-willed, feminine piece of shit.
How the hell are you?
Hey, I'm driving right now.
Give me a sec.
Hey, Poncho, you have the con.
Sorry about that, Jibo.
I just had to turn the wheel over to my first officer, Mr. Poncho.
He's a Hispanic fellow I picked up outside a home depot in Scranton.
Good man.
Good man.
Mr. Speaker, what are you doing?
I'm sailing this magnificent land vessel across the asphalt prairie, Jibo.
Stopping at ports of call, meeting strange new people, getting into adventures.
I get that part.
My question is: why?
Why are you driving around in an RV?
Hunting land whales, my friend.
And by land whales, I mean pussy, my friend.
You know what I'm talking about?
Make fat ladies I can have sex with and drain of their precious lamp oil.
But I just read an article that said you're out stumping for Republican congressional candidates.
That's a cover story I gave Priebus.
I walked into his office and I was like, Premis.
I call him that because guess what?
I refuse to call a grown man rights.
So anyway, rights, I says, give me an RV so I could go out and throw some weight around and throw some weight behind some of our congressional people.
And by the way, Priebus is a nervous little douchebag.
Let me tell you, if that guy seems twitchy in public, you get him behind closed doors and he'd swear he's been passing the same kidney stone for the last four years.
And he's like, do you really think you need to help these congressmen?
You know, all tents like he does.
And I'm like, what are you crazy?
We could lose a house.
That scared him so bad.
He's shit out at RV.
Gas money and per diem.
Do you think that's true?
What?
That the Republicans could lose the house.
Christ on a cracker, no.
Do you have any idea how gerrymandered this country is, Jimmy?
Every one of these people could turn out to be a Nazi pedophile Frenchman, and they'd still get elected.
That sounds unfortunately true, Mr. Speaker.
FYI, a lot of them are Nazi pedophiles.
That also sounds true, but you don't care.
Dude, I do not give a fuck.
I can't even muster up the energy to be apathetic about this shit, man.
Let handsome Dick Ryan deal with this nonsense.
Tea Party's got this whole country stuck in place by the balls.
Congress is like a circle jerk with cheese graters.
And even if that shit changes, Trump's going to have the Dutch dropping nukes on us inside of a year.
So get where you can while the shit is still standing, my friend.
That's why I am out here hunting up as much trim as an RV can attract.
And I'm not going to lie, Jimmy.
A new RV could attract a lot of trim, boy.
A lot.
Mr. Speaker.
Me and Pacho just finished double-teaming a lunch lady in a hot tub outside of Poughkeepsie.
Mr. Speaker.
Hey, Mary, quit being such a prude.
I'm talking about making love here.
What exactly do you say in these stump speeches?
Say, I don't know.
I show up, ask for the name of the candidate, the name of the town.
I say 5678, and then I just freestyle it, man.
Blah, blah, blah.
Lower taxes.
Blah, blah, blah.
Family values.
Blah, blah, blah.
Obama sucks ass.
And boom, boom, boom, my clothes with Freebird.
And that works?
Are you kidding me?
And these hickburgs are so impressed by the bus I show up and they're like, are you a god?
Then they find out I was third in line to the president.
You can just hear the sound of ballots being cast and large women's panties dropping.
Are you supporting Trump in these speeches?
Oh, you mean the guy who isn't Ted Cruz?
Yeah.
I would support a flaming bag of shit as long as it's not Ted Cruz.
Seriously, Jimmy, flaming bag of shit and Mike Pence 2016.
But you're actually advocating for Donald Trump in your speeches?
Not really.
They just kind of avoid the whole subject.
What if people ask you directly about the presidential race?
Jimmy, if people ask me about Trump, I usually fake a seizure or something.
Then why are you supporting him if you'd rather fake a seizure than talk about him?
Jimmy, man, they gave me an RV.
Have you ever had an RV?
No.
Well, trust me, once you've had one, you do not want to give it back.
The first time you do some swinging with a retired couple in an RV park, you're like, my whole life has been leading up to this moment.
Mr. Speaker.
Jimmy, I gotta go.
The Poon Highway is calling my name.
All right, Mr. Speaker.
Poncho, let's find some women.
Andalay, it's morning in America.
In my pants.
In my pants.
So here's more of Matt Lauer being horrible last night.
To be fair to Matt Lauer, it's not like he has a production staff, a research team, and all the resources of NBC and a multi-million dollar contract to do a good job.
You know, on the bright side, Matt Lauer has come to terms with his baldness.
So kudos to him.
I'm not coming to turn.
I'm going to get the plugs.
I've already made a phone call.
I was going to say, it looks like he might be losing his hair, Matt Lauer.
Matt Lauer losed it last night.
I was thinking, it looks like he's losing it a lot.
Yeah, some lighting conditions.
It's like, maybe you ought to have that looked at.
So kudos to Matt Lauer.
He's got more balls than me.
He's got more courage as far as his hair goes because I'll put a broom on top of my head.
Anyway, so go sketch.
I forget what this clip is, but it's more horribleness from Matt Lauer.
Long time.
I've always said, shouldn't be there, but if we're going to get out, take the oil.
If we would have taken the oil, you wouldn't have ISIS because ISIS formed with the power and the wealth of that oil.
How are we going to take the oil?
How are we going to do that?
It would leave a certain group behind.
First of all, great follow-up question.
First of all, what Trump just said.
And he's been allowed to say this all campaign because no reporter has ever confronted him on this.
So what he's saying is, you know, after we illegally, immorally invaded another country, we started a war of aggression.
And after it was revealed, we lied about why we went in.
It wasn't for weapons of mass destruction or for our safety.
It was a war of aggression to steal oil.
And so Trump says, yeah, I disagreed with that part, except we should steal the oil.
What we do is we leave a criminal force behind.
And then even though our army has gone home, we're going to leave a force of criminals behind to loot.
They're going to take all their valuable natural resources.
You know, oil.
Maybe if we find a copper mine, we'll steal that stuff too, or whatever.
Even if we could find a way to steal their water, we'd take it and give it to California.
Well, we do.
That's what we do as Americans.
We're looters, right?
And Matt Lauer didn't go, did you just say we should not, on top of one criminal act, commit another criminal act?
He goes, How would you do that?
Like, that's the problem.
That the problem is, logistically, that would be tough to pull off, you know, stealing another country's natural resources after you illegally invaded them and murdered hundreds of thousands of people.
How would you steal everything that they have?
How would you do that?
That's what Matt Lauer's follow-up was.
His wasn't up.
Oh my God, why would you be doing more crimes?
It's just a problem of logistics with Matt.
So Matt is in way over his head.
And Matt's a very nice guy.
I used to watch him ride his polo ponies.
And he's very nice.
He very barely whips the horses.
I know he's a nice guy, but this is he's in over his head.
And why did they pick him to be to do this?
Because they knew he would be in over his head.
That's exactly why they wanted him.
What do you think, Michael?
Well, I think that we're not grading him on a curve at all.
And I feel bad for him.
Oh, Matt Lauer.
Matt Lauer.
Look at that.
You ripped him apart in the previous segment.
And now we're getting the harder stuff.
And we're even harder on him.
I mean, Matt Lauer.
He's not going to be able to figure a rock out.
Come on.
No, but he wouldn't be able to figure a rock out.
No, I like Matt Lauer.
Matt Lauer does get paid $25 million a year.
So stop feeling sorry for him.
No, I don't feel sorry for him.
I only feel sorry for that's a half a million dollars a week.
That's 500 grand a week every week.
Another check, 500 grand.
Well, I just got this from him last week.
I didn't get a chance to deposit it.
I got another one.
I got a million dollars in my hands half a month.
You know what?
Matt Lauer spent more time deciding what he's going to wear for this interview than the questions that he was going to have.
No kidding.
Maybe you want to.
He knew he was hosting this a week out.
You could have prepped.
I'm not super impressed with the suit either, but I think that's a serious suit.
No, I know, and I'm not impressed.
But the thing that I'm trying to say is that the thing about this is, first of all, it's, I mean, Iraq does produce oil in northern Iraq that we get because they're awarded contracts to our oil companies as well as Saudi oil companies.
That was part of the initial part of the invasion.
I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.
And number two.
I don't know why you're bringing socks into this.
You know, as this, yeah, I know.
So before you get to your second point, let me talk about yourself.
But it's a really good second point.
So you got to make sure we get to it.
But your first point is.
I mean, it's a fantastic point.
It's coming.
I'm going to keep going.
That's why we call it number two.
We got to do the first one first.
I mean, look.
What was your first point again?
It was, I forgot.
Me too.
No, Jimmy, you were on it.
No, it was that we already do get Iraqi oil.
What do you think?
So it's funny, kind of funny you said it like that, Michael, because that actually was the plan.
The plan was to invade it and steal their oil.
That actually was the plan.
And guess what?
You're right.
That is actually what happened because now big corporations, American corporations, moved in.
Because everybody was saying that they didn't put military force to protect the museums, but they put military force to protect the oil wells because they weren't going to have what happened the last time they invaded.
Remember what Saddam did to Kuwait?
He burned up all the oil wells.
Yeah.
Burned the oil fields.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And what Trump is just saying, hey, let's just finish our criminal act off.
If we're going to go in as criminals, let's just finish the job.
And Matt Lauer doesn't even bring that up.
So go ahead.
What's your second point?
This is the real good point.
Let's do what we did.
I think that was his point.
And then the second point, wait, I forgot myself.
Oh, no.
No, the second point, Jimmy, was that everybody says now that this is gross and irresponsible.
And I saw Anderson Cooper the other day say, how can we expect what few remaining Iraqis to like us, to continue to like us with this kind of rhetoric and blah, blah, blah.
This used to be pretty broad rhetoric, not as blatant as Trump by both parties.
After we invaded Iraq, people would say that all the time, like in 2005, 2006.
Oh, yeah, we need Iraqis need to solve their own problems.
We can't foot the bill forever.
We can't take we and the whole invasion was built.
It will pay for itself, which again means their oil.
So this is another example where he's a total asshole, but he's just taking the logic of our asshole system to its full.
So he just says what America is already doing and has done.
He just puts a crude face on it.
Yeah, so it's so disgusting.
It's disgusting.
I agree.
Because we should stop doing all this stuff.
We've talked about it before on this show because Hillary Clinton had, there's videotape of her all over saying, yeah, I voted to put a barrier up, a physical barrier between the United States.
Well, that's a wall.
You're not talking about a vapor.
No, it's a safe space.
You're not putting up drywall.
You're talking about putting up a wall.
Right.
And Barack Obama's already deporting millions of, according to Fusions reporting, they say he's doing what Trump only promises to do, but he puts a nice face on it.
So does Hillary.
So he just puts an ugly face on the horrible stuff that we're already doing, like that.
Like we actually invaded another country so we could steal their oil.
And guess what?
We're doing it.
I got to give you one wrinkle on the immigration thing, though.
The dreamers.
Yeah.
Obama did that.
Trump's not going to do that.
So the dreamers.
But yeah, basically, Trump's just following the logic.
Here's more of Matt Lauer.
It's just, this is really bad, but the corporate media has never had to face accountability.
So it's no wonder they are unable to enforce it on politicians.
There is no price to be paid for being horrible in corporate media.
They just get different jobs different places.
The only time you get in trouble is when you accidentally tell the truth, like Dan Rather, and then they put you on a cable channel nobody knows how to find.
What cable channel is he on?
Axis or whatever.
I don't know.
It's literally called Axis.
I think it was called Axis.
It was that Mark Cuban's channel, whatever that was.
Oh.
X or Axe.
I don't know.
Anyway, the joke would work that way, too.
They just put you on a Mark Cuban channel.
Just as funny.
You would take various sections where they have the oil.
They have, people don't know this about Iraq, but they have among the largest oil reserves in the world.
No, everyone knows that.
Guess who didn't know that until before the debate?
You.
That's when you say that.
You go, oh, people don't know.
No, everyone knows that.
That's why we invaded Jagoff.
That's why there was that saying, no war for oil.
Remember that?
People don't know this.
No, everyone knows it.
That's where the oil is.
That's why we're there.
Believe me, if they didn't have oil, we wouldn't give a crap what happened in Syria or Iraq or Iran.
We couldn't care less, but we care less or care more because we have giant oil companies that own our government and they want us to go make things good for them in the Middle East.
That's what this is all about.
I like that.
He did a little homework as I was saying.
A lot of people don't know this.
Iraq's in the Middle East.
A lot of people don't know this.
By the way, there's several different kinds of Muslims, but they all sell kebab.
Did you know that?
A lot of people don't.
It's amazing.
I'm going to need an extra long massage from Ivanca today.
Let's see if there's anything more.
The entire world.
And we're the only ones.
We go in, we spend $3 trillion.
We lose thousands and thousands of lives.
And then, Matt, what happens is we get nothing.
You know, it used to be to the victor belong the spoils.
Now, there was no victor there.
Believe me, there was no victory.
And Matt Lauer's just sitting there.
Yeah, you're right.
So whoever Is stronger can just rape another country and steal their natural resources after they murder people illegally.
Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right about that.
Matt Lauer's like, hmm, borderline mentally incapacitated Genghis Khan.
I get it.
Next question.
And people are saying that Hillary Clinton was getting answers fed through an earpiece.
No one is saying that Matt Lauer got his questions fed through an earpiece.
Nobody is saying that.
It's painful.
It's so painful.
His first question was: do you think you have the temperament to be president?
What the fuck do you think he's going to say?
I had no idea.
No, you're right.
God damn it.
Didn't see it coming.
You got me.
This fucking Lauer's good.
And, you know, Matt Lauer is a nice guy personally.
I'm not sure he could be a jerk, but my point is, it's not Matt Lauer himself.
He's just a symbol for what's wrong with news, right?
Because even though he didn't call out Trump for lying blatantly, all the other news people kind of stood up for him and said, yeah, you can't do that.
You can't call a liar or liar on your news show because then you look seem biased.
And that's what's wrong with corporate news is the criminals they're supposed to be investigating bought the news and now news sucks.
And that's why people like me are around and the young Turks and the majority reporting because corporate news.
So here we are, as the Republican nominee, Donald Trump, was allowed to have two security briefings.
Donald Trump, think about that.
Security is great.
I mean, look, security.
Who doesn't want to be secure?
I mean, it's true.
It's a great point.
Security is great.
I love the security, the briefings.
Which the idea that he got briefed by the CIA or the national smart people for bombs.
The fact that someone talked to him.
You know what, though?
It's all just overclassified.
He just probably got like an in-depth Financial Times read.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Probably nothing that's really actually that dangerous for him to know.
And certainly nothing he remembered.
And certainly nothing he...
He's flirting with his daughter on text.
He had other stuff going on.
Here's Matt Lauer's question to him about that.
This may be the most minded.
This is, to me, no one's talking about this part.
This is the worst part of the interview.
You recently received two intelligence briefings.
Yes, I did.
Did anything in that briefing, without going into specifics, shock or alarm you?
Yes.
Great question.
And there's no.
Way to go.
All right.
Let me check that off.
He was shocked by the question.
First of all, as a journalist, much like a lawyer, you try not to ask questions you don't know the answer to.
There is absolutely no way Matt Lauer can, and no, if Trump can say anything to this question and you can't call him on it because it was a secret briefing that no one's allowed to know what was in it.
So Trump could say anything and Matt Lauer can't push back or hold him on it.
I have no idea who you would ask this question, but let's watch the rest of the answer.
Did I learn new things?
First of all, did you learn new things?
Yes.
Okay.
What the?
What is to what end is this question?
These are childlike questions.
He didn't think this through.
You didn't run this question by anybody, Matt.
No one would go, that's a good question.
That's a nailer.
Hey, were you shocked by anything?
Did you learn anything?
You did?
Yes, yes.
Okay.
Let's go to the audience for a question.
Here it is, watch.
Respect for the people that gave us the briefings.
They were terrific people.
They were experts on Iraq and Iran and different parts of the world and Russia.
But yes, there was one thing that shocked me.
And it just seems to me that what they said, President Obama and Hillary Clinton and John Kerry, who is another total disaster, did exactly the opposite.
Did you learn anything in that briefing?
Again, not going into specifics that makes you.
Again, I can't.
There's no way I can fact check anything you're saying and anything you say could be okay because it's a secret briefing.
And I just keep asking you if you learn anything.
So anything you say, well, I'll have to accept.
I don't know why I keep asking the same question three times.
He asks him.
Would you like to put anything else together where you say terrific, dangerous, and disaster with Kerry Obama and Hillary in a row?
By the way, fuck that guy.
John Kerry sealed the Iran deal.
That's the greatest diplomatic achievement, arguably, in decades.
And Obama and even Hillary helped set it up a bit.
But Kerry specifically, what the fuck?
By the way, John Kerry's a John Kerry is a war hero, whereas Trump took five deferments.
Or did he take five?
He has more deferments than wives.
I know that.
That's a lot of deferments so far.
So let's watch.
Let's see.
Anything else you'd like to add to that?
It's just like, do you want to say, hey, tell us anything you want to say?
That's what Matt Lauer's doing.
Say anything you want to say at all about your special high-tech briefing.
He's saying, validate the fears of all of your supporters.
That's all this really is.
What are some of the things you say you can accomplish, like defeating ISIS quickly?
No, I didn't learn anything from that standpoint.
What I did learn is that our leadership, Barack Obama, did not follow what our experts and are truly, when they call it intelligence, it's there for a reason, what our experts said to do.
And I was very, very surprised in almost every instant.
You know, like the intelligence that led us into Iraq.
Remember that intelligence?
The stuff that you always deride, how people don't, you know more than the generals.
Nobody knows anything.
Oh my God, these guys know.
These guys know about places like Iraq and Iran and Russia.
Those are the three countries he could remember.
Yes.
That's it.
He couldn't remember Syria.
Right?
He couldn't remember.
It turns out there's a lot of places where they serve couscous.
I mean, it's, and these people, I mean, frankly, I mean, I have an A1 brain, but they have pretty good brains too.
And I could tell I am pretty good with the body language.
I could tell they were not happy.
Our leaders did not follow what they were recommending.
Totally believe they weren't happy.
And so he just lets him say that.
So here's why this is such a horrible question.
Because now he can say anything.
Those guys said Barack Obama was the worst president ever.
And Matt can't push back because it's a goddamn secret meeting.
So anything Trump says, you can't question.
And that's exactly what happened.
He took your stupid question, answered it three times because you couldn't stop asking it a nothing question.
And then he finally goes, oh, they told me Barack Obama didn't do what they recommended.
And Matt Lauer can't go, well, actually, they did.
We checked with the secret people.
You can't do that.
So now anything Trump says, you have to let him say it, which is exactly what he did.
And what did you, what was his follow-up?
Let's go to the audience.
But, Jimmy.
$25 million a freaking year.
Half a million dollars a week, a million dollars every freaking two weeks.
He could have asked a follow-up because Trump did.
He said, based basically off of body language, they're not happy.
So he could have said, oh, so the body language was, that's not information.
You just extrapolated something off of body language.
So you're suggesting that the generals don't like President Obama because of their body language?
Yeah, they kept going like this.
This is what's wrong with journalism.
This is what this is the guy could be the next president.
Who should we have to expose him?
Let's get Barney Five.
He's dead.
Matt Lauer.
Okay.
We got the morning guy.
I mean, it's not his job, I guess, to be a journalist.
He's a morning show host.
He's paid handsomely to be affable.
That's it.
He's an affable guy that housewives like.
That's who he is.
I don't even know.
Can you even say that term anymore?
Housewives?
That's sexist.
I'm pretty sure.
Pretty sure Joan Walsh is going to send me a tweet.
Apartment-wise.
There you go.
Great job.
NBC, all the resources of NBC, which, by the way, was owned by General Electric all the way through the Iraq war, which is a defense contractor.
You wonder why news sucks?
Because defense contractors own freaking news organizations.
They don't anymore.
Now it's just Comcast who wants to TPP.
That's who owns Matt Lauer now.
Comcast, who's pushing as hard as possible for the TPP, which is why they fired Ed Schultz because he spoke a little too loudly about it.
And you notice the rest of the guys at MSNBC don't say a goddamn thing about it.
And neither does Matt.
And that's why everything sucks in the world.
Really?
Really?
*music*
Chris Wallace, Chris Wallace, the bad Wallace from Fox News, has been chosen to moderate one of the presidential debates.
Good choice.
In case you don't know who chooses presidential debate moderators and who makes up all the rules, the candidates themselves make up the rules.
So a corporate tool over here, corporate tool over here, we pick moderators that aren't going to upset our corporate toolness.
That's what happens.
It used to be run by the League of Women Voters, and then the parties took it away.
They're like, wait a minute, this smells a little bit too much like democracy.
So they got rid of it.
And now the parties pick people.
So now it's all corrupted.
So it's not, they're not real debates.
That's why it's all BS.
So Chris Wallace, the bad Wallace on Fox, he's one of the guys who's going to be hosting one of them.
He got interviewed about it.
And let's listen to the question first.
There are, as you know, Fox critics out there who say, oh, it's a right-wing network.
It's a network that favors Republicans.
Does this help dispel that perception by building on the work that you and Megan Kelly and Brett Baer did during all the primary debates?
Okay, I'm going to play that real because I could see Robert's mouth is open.
He can't believe what he just heard.
I'm going to play it one more time just so everybody knows what we're talking about.
This is Howard Kurtz.
Howard Kurtz works for Fox News.
Why?
Because he used to host a show called Reliable Sources on CNN, and he had to leave that job because he filed too many stories that were unreliable.
And so now he's a hack working at a right-wing organization spewing propaganda, which is what they do.
It's already been scientifically proven that the more you watch Fox News, the less informed you are.
So that means they're not actually doing news.
What they're doing is propaganda.
Howard Kurtz, here's his first question.
There are, as you know, Fox critics out there who say, oh, it's a right-wing network.
It's a network that favors Republicans.
Does this help?
You know, there's critics out there who say, oh, Fox News is right-leaning and they favor Republicans.
Those critics are known as the world.
Those critics would be known as anyone.
No one even at your own news organization would deny this.
What kind of garbage is Howard Kurtz trying to.
And we should know.
Howard Kurtz is a media critic.
Howard Kurtz is a media critic.
Doesn't understand that Fox News is in the tank for Republicans.
Doesn't give it.
Doesn't get that they're more of a right-wing news propaganda spewer.
He's the media critic, Howard Kurtz.
Two words, Jimmy.
Bob Beckle.
All right.
Liberal through and through.
And this guy doesn't get laughed out of parties when he goes to parties or he goes shows up at a news thing.
No one just laughs right in his face like you should.
Because Howard Kurtz has zero integrity, no dignity.
He's a propagandist and a complete liar.
He's a hack paid for.
There's no parallel to this in the media.
Even Bill O'Reilly wouldn't say this stuff.
They go, yeah, we give the different perspective on the news because the mainstream news is all liberal.
We're going to give a concern.
You can't even give that.
Howard Kurtz.
Maybe Chris Wallace is sexually harassing Howard Kurtz.
Maybe he is.
So here's the big news, though.
Here's the big news.
Not making it about you.
On the other hand, there's a lot on your shoulders, both in terms of the question selection, but also as they go at it, let's say Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.
What do you do if they make assertions that you know to be untrue?
As a newsman, hosting a debate, when someone during the debate says something that you know is false, what do you do?
I don't know.
I've never hosted a debate.
I'm going to say, I let my viewers know that what he just said is wrong.
It's false.
You would think that a news person whose job it is to inform people who are viewing, that's why they hire a newspaper instead of Chuck Woolery, right?
The reason why you're, instead of, they didn't get Pat Zajak, they got a news person.
Why would they do that?
Why wouldn't they get Ryan Seacrest to host a debate?
Everyone likes Ryan Seacrest.
He's very affable and he's good on camera.
Because Ryan Seacrest is too serious a journalist.
A little too serious.
Because Ryan Seacrest actually might call a lie a lie.
Here's, well, here's his answer.
It's not my job.
I believe that it's my job to be a truth squad.
It's up to the other person.
It's not my job to be a truth squad.
I love how he uses a disparaging term for fact-checking.
Yeah, squad.
A squad.
I'm not a truth squad.
I'm not on the truth squad or the thought police or the Stasi.
You know what I'm talking about.
It's like, because we associate it with death squad.
That's kind of the main thing we think people think of in that term.
So truth and death are comparable in his mind.
Truth squads.
Yeah.
Death squad.
Some roving band of armed truth squatters.
Truth squatters.
Part of the gotcha media that asks questions and actually expects factual answers.
Those people.
Like my father.
I'm not like my father.
I have daddy issues, and this is why I don't ask follow-up questions or challenge anybody.
Very nicely put, Jim.
Yes.
Yeah, his dad was a real journalist, Mike Wallace.
He did stories about, you know, the military and how they're corrupt and lying and stuff like that.
And he took down people.
That's not what Chris Wallace does.
That's not what he does.
In fact, it's not his job.
It's just the opposite.
I mean, what Chris Wallace does is prop up people that he wants to prop up who shouldn't be propped up.
Yeah.
Matter of fact, constantly giving a mic to Donald Trump Is propping up Donald Trump.
I mean, it's the opposite of what Mike Wallace did with his career.
To catch them on that, I certainly am going to try to maintain some reasonable semblance of equal time.
If one of them is filibustering, I'm going to try to break in respectfully.
Oh, so that's nice.
So if someone goes over their time, then I'm going to put my foot down.
But if they're lying and misleading the country, I'm going to let it go.
Look, if we're up against a commercial break, I'm cutting that guy off.
You're not going to cut into my advertisers' time on this show.
It's unbelievable.
This is where he's going to put his foot down.
That's why we hired you.
You know what?
We would have called the guy who shoots the gun off at the Olympics during the track meets if that's where he really needed it was a timekeeper.
I know a couple of open mic hosts are pretty good timekeeper.
Very good.
We should get Bud Friedman.
Man, that guy kept that evening at the improv.
Kite.
Nobody goes overtime.
He might get in the way of selling catheter tips.
So that's his job.
That's not my job.
I've got a truth squad.
I've got a truth squad.
I'm a journalist.
And by journalist, I mean timekeeper.
Yeah.
And by journalist, I mean timekeeper.
Let's say, and then he said this a little bit later on in the same interview.
But I don't for you my role is truth squatting.
I think that's a step too far.
And if people want to do it after the debate, fine.
But during the debate, there should be all the lies we can stomach.
That is a bridge too far.
Bridge too far.
Afterwards, sure.
But when it's actually happening, you know, when most people are watching, how dare you fact-check someone?
How dare you call a liar a liar?
How dare that's not our job?
Our job is to keep the time and make sure the commercials run right.
We're all fucking doomed, folks.
We're all doomed.
We're all doomed.
I'm just a human chess clock.
That's what I'm here for.
What's infuriating is he does it with this veneer of dignity.
Oh, dignity.
Like he looks like no trustworthy principal of a nice school, and he's a sleazy piece of shit who doesn't understand what the definition of journalism is.
He is a sleazy.
Yes.
Yes, what you just said.
I'm trying to not call people that, but that's exactly what he is.
He's a piece of shit.
I know.
I know.
You're letting the country down, Chris.
Don't host it then.
I'm not going to fact-check the people.
So Trump knows he can just come on and just say whatever he wants, and you're not going to call him on it.
He can say, yeah, I have that videotape of the Muslims cheering.
You're going to go, oh, good check.
Well, the only person fact-checking Trump will be Hillary.
Yeah.
And then so it'll look like he said she said.
So now nobody will know.
Right.
Instead of somebody objectively coming in and saying, that's not true.
Why don't you guys stick to equal time in terms of your point of view on the issue instead of changing the reality around it, which is what's going to happen.
It's going to be two different narratives of the same reality combating instead of two different ideas about solutions about that reality.
Hillary will say there's climate change, so we should do something about it.
Trump will say, no, there isn't.
And Chris Walls will be like, well, I don't know.
Well, they got equal time, so that's important.
You got equal time.
You got equal time.
Hello?
Who is this?
Where are my stairs?
Mr. President, what an honor.
Thanks for calling.
My stairs.
Where's my goddamn staircase?
What's that?
Damn Chinese.
Give me my goddamn stairs.
Oh, that's right.
You landed in China Saturday and they didn't even bring the staircase for you to exit the plane.
Yeah, Jimmy, what the fuck was that all about?
What do they think?
We're all friggin' so tall over here in America, I could just fucking hop off the damn plane.
Said it?
Well, I don't know, Barack.
It sounds annoying.
Annoying?
I had to crawl out of the belly of that damn plane, Jimmy.
What am I?
Freaking Sully Sullen Goodburger or whatever the hell his name is?
Burgers, Sully Sullenberger.
Whatever.
You've been having a hard time on your trip to Asia, we know.
We could have let that damn Tojo go hog wild all over China.
You know that?
Nan King would have been a cakewalk compared to that.
Instead, we saved our necks at WW2, and this is the respect I get.
Fuck your noodles, goddammit.
Hey, there's a lot more to that Barack Obama phone call.
You know it, I know it.
And it's real easy to hear it.
All you have to do, it's the premium.
You get the premium content.
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And how do you get that?
You go over to jimmydoorcomedy.com, you click join premium, you make your donation.
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It's just that easy to support the progressive show known as the Jimmy Door show.
It's just that easy.
It's a great way.
Big thanks to Michael Brooks from Two Dope Boys at a Podcast for sitting in with us today.
Thanks very much.
Also, today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Robert Yasimura, Jim Earl, Mark Van Landuitt, and Steph Sabarado.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
That's it for this week.
I hope you enjoyed this extended podcast.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Dorsey, and you be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Don't freak out.
Do not freak out.
Don't freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Don't freak out.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
Don't freak out.
Do not, do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not in it.
Not freak out.
I'm not giving it.
I'm not giving it.
Not freak out.
I'm not giving it.
Not freak out.
You are now, now, rockin'with.
D-D-D-D-D-D-Darkin.
Don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
Don't bring out.
Don't bring up.
Don't don't bring out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not getting it.
Don't freak out.
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