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June 4, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore Show!
Hello, Bernie.
Is this Jimmy Door?
Yes, yes, it is.
You recognize my voice.
I'm so flattered.
Hey, look.
I just want to say how happy we are here at the Jimmy Door show that you are staying in the race and that you haven't been cowed.
Jimmy, save your breath.
You're not getting on my tour bus.
But, Bernie.
I said save it.
You people are like groupies.
We're trying to run a serious campaign here to turn this country's fortunes around to benefit the population.
And we have this gaggle of plastercasters following us around everywhere.
We can't handle it.
Get your own damn means of transportation.
Oh, come on, Bernie.
We can't.
Pound sand.
No bus for you.
All right, fine.
Do you have a few minutes to chat, though?
Of course.
Who else are you going to chat with?
Mitt Romney?
The captain?
Well, it seems like you had a little rally the other day here in California.
Little rally?
What are you, the mainstream media all of a sudden?
I'm being facetious, Bernie.
That's what I'm making fun of.
Some estimates put your rally at 60,000 people in Oakland.
Absolutely.
And the media barely even mentioned it.
They simply marched ahead with their foregone conclusion narrative of Bernie can't win, and he's just mucking it up for Quait Hillary by staying in the race.
You know, that race that isn't over yet, that race.
As if those 60,000 people attending your rally don't get to have a say in the democratic process.
You'd think that they were, in fact, suggesting that very thing, Jimmy.
I'd take that exact thing myself if I didn't know better.
But we have a good shot of winning California, one of the largest states, and in my opinion, we should be granted leave to campaign to do so by the media.
What do I know?
I'm just the most game-changing presidential candidate in years.
A self-proclaimed socialist, winning with young people and giving a political dynasty to run for her money in the campaign.
Yeah, I can see why the media would ignore my successes.
Not much of a story there.
Jesus Christ.
I hear you, Bernie.
I hear you.
Good.
Just stay off the bus.
It drives me barnatis to see the major media outlets bend to her will and whim so spinelessly.
We're doing all right, very well, actually, considering that.
However, it does have adverse effects, this media coverage that I'm talking about.
Oh, really?
Like what?
Well, for example, political donations from citizens.
They're less likely to donate if they are told my campaign is a lost cause, naturally.
Right, right.
Also, she gets the more high-profile interrupting assholes in her rally than I do.
Who?
Interrupting assholes.
You know, the assholes who come with their one issue and interrupt the speaker during a rally.
Oh, of course, yeah.
Hillary is currently getting the bulk of the Black Lives Matter interrupting assholes.
And those are the more high-profile, respected assholes.
Those are the assholes you want.
They go to her rallies and speeches because they assume she is winning.
Okay.
Who do I get?
What flavor of asshole interrupted my rally in Oakland?
Who?
Direct action everywhere.
Basically, animal liberation whackers who think that people shouldn't have pets and crap like that.
Why were they going after you?
Well, I have in the past called for responsible, ethical farming, something that most liberals and progressives can get behind, I think.
However, these assholes are against farms altogether and think they should be abolished.
Well, that's why they're crashing my rally because that's what they're trying to say when they crash my rally.
Can you believe that?
If people get the impression that you are running some tin horn campaign, then fuck sticks like this, idiots with giant boots on their head and people who yell bubba buoy will come out of the woodwork to futz with your speech.
These interrupting assholes aren't looking for a dialogue or even a facade of a dialogue.
They just want to show everyone their navel on television.
I see.
I mean, let's be honest here.
Anyone who thinks that I'm not liberal enough probably has a worldview based on how the moon and crystals interact.
Most likely, it seems to me you have a pretty progressive record on animal rights, like you have on everything else, right?
Basically, yes, I believe so.
But, you know, I'm not a vegan, so that's not enough for some people.
But I am for the humane treatment of animals, yes.
What do you think about what happened in the Cincinnati Zoo?
Oh, that ape getting shot.
Yeah.
The real tragedy.
Always a shame to lose such a majestic creature.
But, you know, what are you going to do?
What do you mean, Bernie?
Somebody should be held responsible.
Who told you that?
Twitter?
Sometimes shit happens.
Sometimes kids fall in things.
My kids fell in things constantly.
Luckily, there weren't any giant forest primates in those things, thank God.
So they shot the goddamn giant ape.
If they didn't, and he tore that kid in half, and that footage was on the internet, then they'd have been pilloried in the other direction.
Why didn't anybody do anything?
Why didn't they shoot it?
I, for one, as a politician, can relate to that zoo.
When shit happens, you're going to get blamed for it either way, and people are going to decide not to like how you handle it.
But you have to do what is right, given the givens.
Taking this analogy to a ridiculous extreme for the rest of this campaign and during my presidency, in order to do what must be done for the American people, I am going to be shooting a lot of majestic gorillas in the face and not apologizing for it.
All right, Bernie, I don't know if that's really good.
Feel free to ask me more questions if you feel like it.
Yeah, I just don't know.
I only want to sketch up to that point.
I hear you, but I listen, I'm not following the guerrilla incident because it's too heartbreaking.
And so sometimes my reaction to heartbreaking news is to ignore it like a Bush voter.
So that's what I'm doing with that.
But listen, I was in Palo Alto yesterday.
And you saw me there.
I don't know if you remember seeing me there, but this time in this time in Palo Alto, the Secret Service let me keep my weed when I was coming in.
So that was nice.
Why are you...
It seems like you're putting yourself in not danger per se, but a precarious situation.
You know, Bernie, it just I always have weed on.
You can't be a nice boy like Dave Weigel.
Dave Weigel doesn't bring weed to political events.
I saw Dave there.
He simply brings it which he has a note for a doctor for.
Oh, I can't.
You know, he put a nice mention of me in the Washington Post.
Did you see that?
Well, oh, he did?
Yes.
Then edit what I said out, please.
Yes, I am.
So, Bernie, I always have weed on me somewhere, and I just forgot.
In fact, I went back to the car to put my weed back in the car, and then it turns out I had more on me in my suitcoat that I'd forgotten about.
So, it's just the way, you know, when I'm around, it's just that is the most pothead story I've ever heard, minus the fact that you have a suit jacket.
Yes, minus that fact.
It was so hot there, and everybody was out in the sun.
My cameraman Arnold got sunburn on his face.
I got some color.
I just want to know why would they schedule an event like that outside during the hot sun?
Everybody was like one step away from heat stroke because no one in Silicon Valley will allow us indoors.
I don't have a lot of supporters, needless to say, in Silicon Valley.
Oh, I hear you.
Yeah, I hear they want to, they like money in politics too.
The tech companies they like to control the public exactly.
They want copyright issues more money than God, and they, in a lot of ways, do more irresponsible things with that money than even large, traditional large corporations.
Yes, well, listen, uh, it's another form of concentration of wealth among sociopaths, and they know that I have their number.
Well, listen, we're not going to talk again until after the election, so uh, just tip of the hat to you.
You meet in California, yeah, in California.
So, I'm just going to say, I mean, the primary will be over the next time we talk.
So, I just want to say that we look forward to it.
We think we are hopeful for a positive outcome.
We really appreciate that.
And no short reason, no small reason on account of your support and efforts and people like you.
Okay, well, I really appreciate it.
Also, in addition to that, in addition to my appreciation, please stay away from me.
I see you following me around, trying to get near me either at these rallies or when I go in to the young Turks.
And it makes me hopefully, as you could see, visibly uncomfortable.
It does.
I know.
All right.
Well, listen, how was your I know you had to wear that shirt of you?
If I wear that shirt on a rally of yours, don't freak out.
Will you leave me alone?
I definitely will leave you alone if you put on a dope for.
Oh, Bernie, if you put on a don't freak out t-shirt, I just don't know how I think the healing will begin.
Listen, Bernie.
All right, I'll wear the shirt, but it'll be underneath my Van Heusen Oxford shirt and a blazer.
Well, I don't know how much that'll happen.
Just know it's there in your heart.
Okay, okay.
I super appreciate that.
All right, Bernie.
Well, thank you so much for taking time to talk to us.
Always, Jimmy, always a pleasure.
Okay, bye-bye.
And stay away.
Hey, by the way, how was your anniversary?
I know you had your anniversary last week with Jane.
Oh, yes, we did.
Thank you for asking.
We've been married 48 years, believe it or not.
No, I think it's only 30.
Oh, well, I don't know if you expected me to know that figure before we did this stuff comedy sketch.
I didn't realize it was incumbent upon me to have encyclopedic biographical information of everyone that I do a little corny impression of.
But thanks for that fun fact.
Okay, you're welcome.
All right, Bernie.
Well, I'm glad you had a good anniversary, and it was great to see you.
We went to Red Lobster.
Oh, no kidding.
I'm just kidding.
We went to the Cheesecake Factory.
Yeah.
Oh, did you get the Bang Bang Chicken and Shrimp?
No, I know that you're always talking about that.
I think you're talking up a little too much.
You can get it with brown rice, so you have you, so you're regular gives you the fiber.
You can get the bang bang chicken and shrimp with the brown rice, so it gives you the fiber.
So you're regular more than the white rice?
Yes, oh, much more.
Ah, so that's my problem.
That answers a lot of questions.
Oh, okay.
Well, I'm glad I could help, Bernie.
All right.
I'll get the brown rice, but probably with the chicken and chicken and shrimp jambalaya.
Yeah, gumbo.
I got you.
Yeah, that's what that's what I usually get at Cheesecake Factory.
Oh, no kidding.
Yeah, I'm not a fan of the dish you mentioned, but maybe brown rice with that gumbo dish that I care for.
I'm not going to sit here and pretend that it is a traditional gumbo.
I'm not going to lie.
Well, they also have a lot of it.
It is very flavorful, and it's good.
Well, they also have an avocado egg roll that's an appetizer.
You should try.
They're deep-fried, but they're still really great.
I believe I've had those as well.
My wife enjoyed those.
Yeah.
Very good.
Yes.
All right.
Well, I'm glad we could go over the cheesecake.
We've another thing for us to bond on with our love of Cheesecake Factory.
And also, of course, their main dish, the chicken of Melanese bud.
Oh, I get the chicken Madeira.
Chicken Madeira.
Yes.
Yeah.
Never, never a disappointing version of that have I had.
No, they nail it.
Well, listen, Bernie.
There's a reason it's a number one seller.
We should do a food show together after the election, maybe after the convention.
Maybe we should.
All right, Bernie, thanks for calling in, buddy.
Goodbye.
Hey, maybe.
That'd be hilarious if you didn't need to talk about food.
Yeah, yeah, we should.
You should say, and tell Frank Conniff to go fuck himself and his fucking stupid Hillary loving, you know, do something like that.
Because somebody, people.
Oh, and by the way, tell Frank Carniff to go fuck himself with his goddamn Hillary Clinton love and being a mama's good boy on the internet, shaming Bernie Bros, which is a made-up concept.
He's a mama's good boy.
Okay.
But I do look forward to him being back on your program.
Oh, we all do.
We miss him.
Okay, Bernie, good to talk to you.
When's he coming back?
As soon as we get this studio upgraded, we're trying to figure out we have internet problems, so we have to figure that out.
It's harder to figure out than you'd think because we're dealing with monopolies in America today.
And by the way, we have slow internet.
We don't have fast internet like Korea.
So that's another show.
That's another sketch.
But thanks for all of the bag of beans.
Yes.
We need reliable internet for every American citizen, not just the millionaire and billionaire class.
All right.
Bye, Bernie.
Goodbye.
I want more fun like that!
It's the Jimmy Dore show.
The show for people that are.
Phil Vince may be on tearing down our nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to T-Day.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Dore show.
I'm speaking with my head perfectly still.
I want to say thank you for listening and welcome.
Who's here with me?
I'm here with the Miserable Liberal.
She's our resident Latita.
You know her from the Miserable Liberal blog.
It's Steph Zamarado.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
I'm doing great, Jimmy.
I'm a Mexican.
You're a Mexican.
Also, here from a former writer for The Daily Show, the author of Morning Remembrance, fake obituaries of real dead people.
It's Jim Earl.
Hey, Jim.
Hi, Jim.
How are you?
I'm doing good, Jim.
I like to grow cilantro.
Really?
Why?
A lot of people think it tastes like soap.
I don't.
Oh.
He's trying to relate to the Mexican.
Oh, I hear you.
Oh, my gosh.
Also, here is our resident Japanese man, Robert Yesamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
The better for your asking.
All right.
I like cilantro, actually.
Also here with us, comedian Hank Thompson.
Hey, Hank, how are you?
Hey, I like to grow coriander.
Oh, I didn't know you could grow that.
Coriander is cilantro.
They're just two different.
It's the white man's cilantro.
Yeah, Coriander's the CD.
I don't know what you guys are talking about.
All I know is don't freak out.
Hey, by the way, I was watching.
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the joke, shall we?
I was watching Turner Classic movies.
They played Buck Privates and they played MASH back-to-back, which means I now officially have more military experience than Donald Trump.
You know, between trashing POWs and not giving veterans the $6 million he promised, draft Dodger Donald Trump had a very busy Memorial Day.
That's what he did on Memorial Day.
You know, it might be hard for Trump to win over the one biggest voting block in the country.
People who've sued Trump.
Big voting block.
You know, if Roots, if Roots, there was a mini Roots, which was a mini-series all about slavery in America, starring LeBar Burton.
It made LeVar Burton a star, and he went on to do nothing.
Excuse me, he went on to do Star Trek and Reading Ranger.
Okay, cut that.
If Roots aired on a cable news show, wait a minute.
If Roots aired on a cable news channel, there'd be a rebuttal from pro-slavery punnets to show both sides of the issue.
That's a slam on cable news about how they make everything falsely equivalent.
You know, I haven't joked about Chris Christie since he dropped out of the race to spend more time with his family style meals.
He's big.
And he is.
You know, in World War II, brave soldiers stormed the beach and defeated fascism.
Trump's candidacy is about rectifying that outcome.
It's good use of rectify in a joke.
Thank you.
You know, Trump's plan to fix the California.
He says there isn't, he says there's no drought yet.
He still has a plan to fix it.
Trump says he's planning to fix the California water crisis has won him the support of Noah Cross and Hollis Mulray.
That took me a second.
I'm guessing that has something to do with Chinatown.
That's a Chinatown joke.
I knew it.
I saw Chinatown.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
We're going to talk about Hillary Clinton's honesty.
They did a poll between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.
And who do people think is more honest?
The answer just may surprise you.
Or will it?
I'm not lying.
What else is coming up?
We're going to talk about her email scandal.
We have never talked about it on the show.
The IG, which was appointed by Barack Obama to investigate this, came out with a report.
We're going to talk about that report.
Report doesn't look good for Hillary Clinton.
And by the way, that report makes Mika Brzezinski almost have a nervous breakdown.
We're going to take a look at that.
She's a good news person.
Also, let's see what else is coming up.
I have to look at, I have to refer to my notes.
Oh, Paul Ryan goes ahead and endorses Donald Trump.
And the reasons he gives are hilarious.
Donald Trump is asked what he has in common with his daughter.
And the answer is creepier than a Hulk Hogan video.
What else is coming up?
That's a baby.
And we got phone calls today from Bernie Sanders.
The captain from the Captain Antenil calls in.
I'm not kidding.
Look it up.
Google it who it is.
Google it who it is.
And then we'll have a little muskrat love.
He calls in.
And then Bernie Sanders calls in again.
Two Bernie Sanders calls and a Captain and Teneal call, plus a lot lot more.
That's today at the Jimmy Dorship.
So Paul Ryan, this is how bad things are in the Republican Party.
Paul Ryan is considered the serious smart guy in the Republican Party.
That's the guy who can't do math.
That guy?
That guy.
Paul Ryan, who was such a huge liar that when he gave his speech at the 2012 convention, remember he was the vice presidential candidate.
He lied so often, foxnews.com called him out for it.
Foxnews.com said that it was one of the biggest lying speeches they'd ever seen.
Also, guess what?
Tom Brokaw, America's favorite Kirchhift reporter, kept referring to Paul Ryan's speech as an overreach.
And we've done videos on that.
So that was fun.
So now he's the guy holding off.
He hasn't endorsed Trump yet, right?
Because he said that he was.
Which is the only respectable thing about him.
They're the only respectable.
So now it's like, oh, we got To get the respectable guy.
No, he's also a knuckle-headed moron who got caught lying by foxnews.com.
That's how bad he was in 2012.
Remember, they were also saying stuff like, hey, we're going to win because the polls are all wrong.
Remember that?
He was that.
That was this guy when they were living in a fantasy land.
Remember?
And then the Republicans had to have a prescription.
They had to had a study group to figure out what's wrong with them.
Why they keep losing to black guys for president by big margins.
So, and Paul Ryan proposed a ban on endorsing hate mongers until, quote, we figure out what's going on here.
He didn't say that.
But Paul Ryan, this is what he said before.
This is after May 5th when it was all when it looked like we knew Trump was going to be the nominee.
He goes on with Jake Tapper of CNN, and here's what he had to say.
Well, to be perfectly candid with you, Jake, I'm just not ready to do that at this point.
I mean, endorse Donald Trump.
There right now.
And I hope to, though, and I want to.
But I think what is required is that we unify this party.
See, Paul Ryan, see, here's the thing about Paul Ryan.
Paul Ryan is a leader.
So he takes the time to carefully deliberate before making a cowardly, unprincipled decision.
That's Paul Ryan.
This is him.
So what else?
What else has to happen for you to endorse him?
Look at the burden on unifying the party will have to come from our presumptive nominee.
I don't want to underplay what he accomplished.
He needs to be congratulated for an enormous.
He brought out lots of racists into the party.
He humiliated everybody who calls themselves a Republican.
He makes us embarrassed of our party leader.
He certainly would lose to anybody else except Hillary Clinton.
I don't want to discount everything he's done.
Everything he's done, you know, like lowering the discourse not only nationwide, worldwide.
That's how powerful Donald Trump's BS is.
He's lowering the discourse in politics.
You know, I mean, look what he's accomplished.
He's alienated every Hispanic from the Republican Party.
Look what he's accomplished, right?
He's made misogyny cool again.
Look what he's accomplished.
A lot of people before were afraid to say they wanted to have sex with their daughter in public.
He's accomplished so much.
People no longer even talk about his comb over.
Look what he's accomplished.
That's what I say his biggest accomplishments to date is getting people to stop talking about his hair.
And people barely ever mention it.
I'm the only guy still left talking about it.
It's like if nobody talked about Chris Christie's weight anymore.
Donald Trump pulled that off.
So here we go.
Accomplishment for winning not now a plurality of delegates, and he's on his way to winning a majority of delegates, but he also inherited something very special that's very special to a lot of us.
Oh, really?
This is the party of Lincoln, of Reagan, of Jack Kemp.
And of David Duke.
Let's remember that.
It is also the party of David Duke, now for sure.
Now for sure.
And now it's the party of David Duke and white nationalists.
Oh my, it always was.
And we don't always nominate a Lincoln and a Reagan every four years.
No.
Oh, really?
No?
You're saying Mitt Romney wasn't?
And John McCain and Sarah Palin, they weren't the Lincoln.
A Lincoln.
Here we go.
But we hope that our nominee aspires to be Lincoln and Reagan-esque, that that person advances the principles of our party and appeals to a wide, vast majority of Americans.
The principles of our party, you know, shitting on those who are less fortunate, demonizing people with no money and no power, and serving money and power and screwing over workers.
And winning instead of governing.
And winning instead of governing.
You know, like when we win, then we poison everybody's drinking water because we could save a few bucks.
Whenever a Republican says we're the party of Lincoln, I'm like, what do you know about Lincoln?
Because I got to tell you, I don't think it's what you think it is.
Yeah, so Lincoln, by the way, he's free the slaves.
He didn't keep the slaves going.
He freed the slaves, which made all the current Republicans turn Democrat until Lyndon Johnson passed the Civil Rights Act.
Then they switched back.
That's the party of Lincoln.
Yeah, you all left that party because of Lincoln.
And I love how they say that now, right?
Well, the party of Lincoln, yeah, you hated him and you left.
That's why you guys had a war.
I don't know if you remember.
You guys seceded.
The party of Lincoln.
But it's good branding.
That's what he always.
Yes.
I think what is necessary to make this work, for this to unify, is to actually take our principles and advance them.
And that's what we want to see.
Saying we're unified doesn't in and of itself unify us, but actually taking the principles that we all believe in, showing that there's a dedication to those and running a principal campaign that Republicans can be proud about.
Running a principle campaign that Republicans can be proud about.
Well, if you say it fast enough, it's almost like he didn't happen.
I don't know why this year is any different.
Putting a principle campaign.
You mean it's a principled campaign that we could be proud of.
Is that when they hate Mexicans?
Yeah, is that a part of the principles?
Well, I guess that's one of the principles.
And this, by the way, this is the guy called out by Foxnews.com for lying so much at the Republican convention.
Also, he's so principled, he was the vice president to Mitt Romney, who said 40% of the country are smoochers.
Remember that?
That's how principle, and they could be proud of it.
They could be proud of it.
This is what they're proud of.
By the way, Mitt Romney, flip-flop, again, a horrible flip-flopper, horrible liar.
That's just what we're left with in America.
Hang on, he's got more to say.
That can actually appeal to a majority of Americans.
That, to me, is what it takes to unify this party.
Yeah, he wants to unify the Republican Party.
He wants to unify the racist assholes with just the regular assholes.
That's what's called unity in the Republican Party.
I could not offer my support for Donald Trump before discussing policies and basic principles.
That's what he says.
Yeah, really?
You mean to make sure he doesn't have any?
That's why you want to talk to Donald Trump to make sure he doesn't have any basic principles?
Because he doesn't.
By the way, Paul Ryan.
So Paul Ryan, after saying all that stuff, oh, Paul Ryan endorses Donald Trump.
And this is why, this is why he said, he said, through these conversations, I feel confident he would help us turn the ideas in this agenda into laws to help improve people's lives.
Donald Trump is going to help improve your lives.
By the way, Hovington Post pointed out that he said that 666 words in to an 806-word op-ed.
Coincidence?
Coincidence?
He said it 666 words in.
That is a quinketine.
By the way, Ronald Wilson Reagan.
666.
Ronald Wilson Reagan.
Thank God you said that because I didn't realize before.
And he says, that's why I'll be voting for him this fall.
That's what he said.
Paul Ryan said that.
He wrote that in an op-ed in the Gazette Extra.
So he really wanted everybody to hear it.
That's how he endorses him.
Ryan says he held out on his endorsement to help unite Republicans.
Quote, and if we're going to unite, it has to be over ideas.
According to Huffington Post, Trump himself has been cagey about what ideas he actually endorses.
Recently, he's seeming to flip-flop on a pledge that he wouldn't touch Social Security.
Paul Ryan says the reality is on the issues that make up our agenda, we have more common ground than disagreement.
Paul Ryan says he has more common ground with Donald Trump than disagreement.
That's your party.
Congratulations.
That's what happens after 20 years of Fox News.
That's what happens.
After 50 years of the Southern Strategy, this is what you're left with pretending Donald Trump isn't a creep who makes people skin crawl.
We are 81% of our way to our goal.
We're almost there.
The Jimmy Dore show, 81% of our goal.
We're adding new thank-you gifts, right?
So there's now we have the new thank-you gift of have drinks with Jimmy.
You can record a rant.
You get record a three to five minute rant.
We'll play it on the show.
We'll make a video out of it and we'll comment on it.
That's also a thank you gift.
Like I say, drinks.
We're going to get high with Jimmy.
We just have to figure out the logistics for that.
There's a backstage passes for life.
There's all kinds of great thank you gifts over there.
The important thing is that we raise enough funds so we can bring you more Jimmy Door shows more often and we can go out in the field and do some more real reporting.
And that's what this is all about.
We want to get better guests and we want to have it be a real thing and expand.
And so that's happening thanks to you guys.
I really appreciate all the support we've been getting.
I'm really humbled by it.
We're 81% of our way there.
There's only 11 days left, depending on when you're listening to this.
There's maybe 10 days left or nine days left.
So if you're waiting, a lot of people I know wait till the end of the crowdfunding campaigns to donate.
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Go do it.
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So thank you very much.
We're doing this together.
We're sticking our thumbs up.
Hey, the liberal media turned on Bernie Sanders.
Mortzall said it last year to Mark Van Landuit, and it won't be the conservatives.
It'll be the liberal media that turns on Bernie and goddamn it have they.
So let's push back.
Let's help the Jimmy Door show grow.
Go to jimmydoorcomedy.com and let's make this happen.
Okay, now let's get back to the second half because there's a lot of great stuff coming up.
���� John T. Walton, heir to the Walmart fortune.
Walmart board member John T. Walton rolled back prices for the last time this week after rolling his airplane at high speed into the Grand Teton National Park.
According to a company spokesman, the Walmart executive was apparently scouting endangered grizzly bear populations for cheap non-union labor.
It's true.
Last March, Walton was listed by Forbes magazine as the world's 11th richest person, in addition to being one of the only three people in the world who would build an ugly, life-sucking superstore with an eye view of a sacred pre-Columbian pyramid.
Walton died in an experimental ultralight aircraft wrapped in a fabric similar to the heavy-duty tents many Walmart employees have to live in outside the store.
In loving tribute to Walton's memory, Walmart's worldwide employees were issued an extra cup of gruel and limited access to fire access.
*laughter*
That was a reading from the book, Morning Remembrance, Fake Obituaries of Real Dead People by Jim Earl, available at jimerl.com.
So not only is Hillary Clinton winning the most hated candidate in the country contest, she's winning.
She's beating down Donald Trump.
No, no, no, no.
Rasmussen says that more people think she's dishonest than Donald Trump.
Yes, but her unfavorables, though, that you just posted.
Her unfavorable.
Right.
Donald Trump was at 58%.
She was in the high 40s, I think.
No, she's 50%.
She's like just a couple percent.
She's in the 50s also.
Her unfavorables?
Oh, yeah.
So, in fact, can you look up Hillary Clinton's unfavorables for me, Arnold?
Not only, it's getting horrible, right?
Not only is it horrible that her people, more people think Donald Trump is more honest than Hillary Clinton.
God, that's but now it comes out that all that stuff she's been saying about the emails, which I've ignored, I'm not anymore, because Barack Obama appointed an inspector general to go ahead and take a look at the email thing to clear it all up so we can get this all over with.
Well, what were the results?
Here comes the results.
Ready?
Let's listen to Micah Brzezinski give us the results, shall we?
Here we go.
Yesterday, the Inspector General's office of the State Department issued a report that concluded Hillary Clinton violated the Federal Records Act by not turning over all official emails before she left office.
The report also found that there was no evidence she had requested or received approval to use her personal account for official business.
Clinton all along has maintained the use of her server was allowed.
Oh, well, the Inspector General says all that.
Well, I'm sure she has a good excuse for it.
Let me hear it.
Because here's what she was saying before the Inspector General's report.
Here's what she was saying.
My personal email use was fully above board.
It was allowed by the State Department, as they have confirmed.
What I did was allowed by the State Department, but it wasn't the best choice.
And I have been as transparent as I know to be.
And you said it was allowed, too.
Yes, it was.
Who allowed it?
Who was allowed under the rules of the State Department?
And again.
So nobody signed off on it.
No, no, it was allowed.
One of my predecessors did the same thing.
Others in our government have done the same thing at very high levels because the rules did change after I left the State Department.
Turns out that's all a lie.
And you wonder why she has a 52% unfavorable rating.
But at the time and in prior years, the rules allowed it.
Well, you know, as I have said many times, you know, there was that was absolutely permitted.
And I did it, and it turned out to be a mistake.
It wasn't the best choice.
So now we're going to come back to the studio.
Mika Brzezinski, you could see that this news is physically painting her.
Watch.
Because it's like this.
It's like all of a sudden, here, let's watch.
Two State Department officials raised concerns about Clinton's exclusive use of a private email server.
A senior official in Clinton's office told them the matter was not to be discussed any further.
He instructed them to quote never to speak of the secretary's personal email system again.
That was also in the report that when people said something about it who worked for it, they were told by high-level officials, don't ever talk about this email thing again.
That was their directive.
That's in the report.
Yeah.
You know, the report also makes clear that had she sought permission to use her own server as the instrument through which all of her email traffic passed, such a request would have been denied.
Denied.
So here we go.
There's more to this.
I don't know why, but a part of me is getting joy out of watching Micah Brzezinski painfully report the actual news because it's like this is like surprising to her.
Like, oh my God, I'm a news person who gets paid a couple, I'm sure, millions of dollars to do this show, Micah Brzezinski.
And she has access to one of the most powerful and money, well-moneyed news organizations in the world, NBC News.
And all this is coming to her as a shock.
You know what she looks like?
She looks like Mitt Romney after he lost the election.
Like, oh my God, the polls were right.
Here we go.
Watch this.
A statement about the IG report, which read in part this.
The Inspector General's documents show just how consistent her email practices were with those of other secretaries and senior officials at the State Department who also used personal email.
Okay, so that's none of that's true, right?
So that's her statement about it.
She released a statement.
That's not true.
And we know it's not true because of what the Inspector General just said.
That's her statement after the Inspector General's report.
That's her statement.
Complete lie.
And let's watch how Mika takes this.
Ready?
Melissa, even the statement is not accurate.
George?
And listen to what look at what our favorite plagiarist says about it.
That's kind of funny.
If you hear what he says, listen.
Consistent her email practices were with those of other secretaries and senior officials at the State Department who also used personal email.
Melissa, even the statement is not accurate.
I know.
Join me this now.
I know.
Listen, I wish there was more news delivered this way from like a petulant person who was really grouchy because then you know it's real news.
Yeah, they don't they're telling it to you because they even though they don't want to yeah, she obviously does not want to deliver this news.
Like if Fox News is like, I really don't want to tell you this, but I don't know.
But this is MSNBC.
This is Micah going, she's such, she seemed like such a nice person who took millions and millions of dollars from the people she was supposed to be regulating.
By the way, there's probably somebody at RNC headquarters who's like, I can't believe this worked.
We've been throwing stuff at this woman forever.
I can't believe we actually got one.
The email thing's sticking.
It's sticking.
And so here they bring on Andrea Mitchell.
And listen, watch, just watch Mike and Andrea just in pain over this, in pain that an establishment is going down.
Personal email use was fully above board.
There we go.
Hang on.
I'm sorry.
The State Department, she violated the Official Records Act according to her own State Department IG appointed by President Obama.
What you have shown just now, Mika, is completely undercuts the argument she's been making for more than a year.
Just as she is trying to persuade voters that she's not untrustworthy, I think that the most surprising and in some ways shocking thing is their reaction, claiming that this is the same as what former secretaries did.
The comparison they're making to Colin Powell, the facts are that Colin Powell was the first Secretary of State to ever use email.
He used it specifically to try to launch the State Department into the new century and try to get people to communicate by email.
He was using it as an example.
He did use some personal emails.
He didn't always separate them, but it was a completely above board.
Everybody in the State Department knew what he was doing.
It was not, in fact, violating a rule that was put in place under Clinton, not after she left.
It was put in place under Clinton, and she was warned beforehand of decades of this records act that prohibits you to leave the State Department, to leave any agency and not turn over your records.
So there are so many flaws in their argument.
And, you know, the politics, we'll have to see how that plays out.
But I don't see how this is anything but devastating, given the fact that they have been making a completely different argument now for more than a year.
Pretty devastating.
That's Andrea Mitchell, who just last week was telling Bernie Sanders, why don't you quit criticizing Hillary Clinton?
Why are you criticizing?
It's like two-on-one.
We played it.
There's a video on this channel of her doing that.
Bernie, it's like you're beating up on her, and Donald Trump is beating up on her.
And now her numbers are going down because you guys are beating up on her.
I don't know.
Maybe this is why her numbers are going down.
Maybe it's not anything.
Maybe it's because of her record.
Maybe it's because that she's lying even right now afterwards.
She's caught red-handed to the point where Mika is crestfallen.
I don't know if that's the right word.
I think Andrea Mitchell's pretty crestfallen, too.
Andrea Mitchell is on the border right here, of like looking in the camera going, I'm married to Alan Greenspan.
I'm totally in the bag for this woman.
I couldn't be happy.
Like, I want all of her not changing the way the finance industry works.
I'm totally up for, so I really resent having to report this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
By the way, I'm the wife of Alan Greenspan.
I like what Hillary Clinton's doing with Wall Street.
It really hurts me to that.
I'm up for all the money in politics.
I'm up for bigger income disparities since the Guild of Day.
That's what Andrea Mitchell's all about.
She's Mrs. Greenspan.
Let's remember that.
That's her husband.
There's another video of Bernie Sanders dressing down Alan Greenspan on this channel.
Watch that.
Go ahead, Jim.
Well, Hillary did release a statement today saying that she did know she was breaking the rules, but she did not inhale.
You know what, Jimmy, I wanted to add that.
Sure add.
Her campaign chairman, John Podesta, sent a memo to all their donors this past weekend, and it said, Clinton acknowledges the server was a mistake.
Yeah, she just says she calls it a mistake.
And what she thought would be a convenient way to communicate with family and friends and colleagues by using one email account has turned out to be anything but convenient.
Yeah, not convenient.
So let's watch it.
She's evolved on it.
Now watch this.
This is talk about.
Incrementally.
Here it comes.
Now watch what Micah has to say to Andrea Mitchell.
The Clinton campaign, Josh, has long maintained the server was never breached.
But the report tells of one incident when an advisor shut it down out of concern it was under attack.
And the footnotes tell of an incident in 2011 where Secretary Clinton was concerned someone was, quote, hacking into her email after getting more than one email with a suspicious link.
You know, when you get those, you get worried.
According to the report, security officials should be notified even when a personal device is feared compromise.
But according to the report, the Inspector General found no Evidence that the secretary or her staff ever reported the incident.
And there's so much here that's fair to say.
How can she remember?
I mean, I really don't want to be the one delivering this, but I got to tell you.
Wow.
This is really funny.
I don't know why I'm laughing.
This is like the head of the prom committee telling you the promise canceled.
Yes.
It is so great.
Oh, that is what this is like.
So they all thought they were going to have a fun time.
Our establishment candidate who's down with all of the money and politics, who keeps the money train flowing to us in the news media.
That's all.
Everything's a status quo.
So they're into the status quo.
So if you like, if you're for Hillary Clinton, you're into the status quo.
They are.
Okay.
And this is, this is, this is just, what were the weird emails she was getting?
Are they from Ashley Madison?
It's Bed Bath and Beyond.
I could start a war if you click on that.
Make your huge.
Here we go.
But I got to tell you, this is really hard to believe.
It feels like she's lying straight out.
Andrea Mitchell, is she lying?
It feels like she's just lying straight out.
Oh, my.
I want to go out.
Andrea's going to say.
It feels like she's lying straight out.
You mean because she's lying straight out?
You know why it feels that way?
Because she is.
That's why.
Can we point out, like, from if you've ever watched this show, if you ever watched our show, listen to our show, how rarely journalists say the word lie.
They will never say lies.
They will never.
So for her to say lies, she lying.
Flat out.
That's a big deal.
That's huge.
And to show you what a big deal it is, watch Andrea Mitchell not say it.
Here we go.
I can't say that.
I mean, I would let the viewer, I would let the voter make those determinations, but it doesn't hold up.
There's so many inconsistencies, including their response yesterday.
And as Chuck said, it was sort of jaw-dropping that they try, instead of coming out and saying, look, you know, it was a mistake, as she has previously acknowledged, it was bad judgment.
And we don't know whether or not it was hacked.
We know that there were attempts to penetrate.
There's no evidence in this report that that penetration, that that actually happened, but you can't, you know, prove the negative.
But they should have just come out, arguably, and said, this is a mess, and we're going to try to move on.
Instead, they're fighting it and coming out with a complete, a completely non-credible argument.
So instead of saying a complete lie, she says a complete non-credible argument.
I guess that's as close as you could go.
That's not credible, meaning that's a lie.
Meaning, I don't believe it.
What you're saying isn't true.
So there's all these different words instead of saying it's a lie.
It's a non-credible.
Or what if it was Tom Brokaw, he would say, that's an overreach.
Well, the basis of Andrea Mitchell's reporting career is not getting sued.
That's like her, that's her biggest asset.
It's on her resume, like not suable.
Not suable.
Go ahead, Jim.
You know, with Bill Clinton, when he apologized, there was also no penetration.
So that's an important thing.
So if only there was somebody running for president who you could trust.
If there was only someone running for president who had like a track record of not being corrupt, who following the rules and, oh, there is a guy.
What's that guy's name?
Bernie Sanders.
So is this so, by the way, we all, remember when Bernie Sanders said, I'm so sick and tired of you, goddamn emails.
But guess what?
And that's why we all kind of dismissed it.
Like, oh, it's like Benghazi.
It's like Travelgate.
It's like Monica Lewitt.
It's like nothing.
There's no there there.
That's what I thought about the email.
It's another one of these made-up scandals.
Turns out not.
Barack Obama appointed an Inspector General.
I know it's not an investment.
I thought it was Inspector Gadget.
Inspector Gadget and Inspector Gadget came up with this, right?
So now guess what?
Who's also getting worried about this?
Guess who's freaking out about this?
Well, here's Mark Halperin to tell us who's freaking out about this.
See now, the Justice Department, the FBI doesn't want to interview Secretary Clinton.
And that interview alone, short of an indictment, short of anything else, that would be a huge political development.
It would undermine confidence in some Democrats in the notion of going forward with Secretary Clinton.
There are some people in the White House who are starting to talk about this.
It's not clear to me whether they know what's happening or there's just their intuition.
But the body language among some Obama administration officials is this is more serious and something's going to happen.
Look, if there's an indictment, it's over.
She's out.
Kokie?
That's Koki Robertson, Mark.
You don't get two more insider establishment neoliberals than Mark Halperin and that Cokie Roberts.
So there you go.
This reminds me a lot of when the Lewinsky scandal broke and there were a lot of Democrats who were just pissed.
They were like, how could you be so stupid?
Stupid.
How could you be so stupid?
That's right.
That's exactly how the Democrats are.
That's actually the same thing where they're like, we are past the point of no return here.
And then we had to defend Bill Clinton because of it, right?
Because the opposition was to go in with Newt Gingrich.
Right.
Right.
So we had to fight them.
And so that's kind of what's happening now, but it's happening before the convention.
So the Democrats still have a time to pick a real Democrat, a real liberal, an uncorrupted person who's not under FBI indictment.
They have a clean guy.
They have a clean guy that they can nominate.
So that's interesting that Barack Obama's administration, the White House, is really worried about this.
Now, according to Mark Helpern, let's see what the what they say on CNN about this.
Let's see what Carl Bernstein has to say.
Two State Department staffers did raise concerns about the server and were told that it was that they shouldn't ask again.
What are the implications of that?
The implications of all of this are that Hillary Clinton did not want her emails subjected to the Freedom of Information Act or subpoenas from Congress.
And that's why she set up a homebrew server.
I think we all know that.
People around her will tell you that in private if you really get them behind a closed door.
I was in Washington this week.
I spoke to a number of top Democratic officials, and they're terrified, including people at the White House, that her campaign is in free fall because of this distrust factor.
And indeed, Trump has a similar problem.
But she's the one whose numbers are going south.
And the great hope in the White House, as well as the Democratic leadership and people who support her, is that she can just get to this convention, get the nomination, which they're no longer 100% sure of, and get President Obama out there to help her.
He's got a lot of credibility.
It's the election that's partly about his legacy, but she needs all the help she can get because right now her campaign is in huge trouble, but it's a long time against a candidate like Donald Trump, who's got tremendous negatives and a really awful record in business in many regards that the Democrats and Hillary Clinton are going to attack.
So it's just two horrible, horrible people that we have to see.
It's a question of who's more horrible than the other horrible.
That's it.
So everybody's upset.
The White House is actually worried.
It's not a real lock anymore.
That's Carl Bernstein saying.
That's what the White House is saying.
It's all those jagoffs on Twitter who keep saying, don't you guys know how to do math?
First of all, the math is fucking wrong on your side.
There is no math yet.
The super delegates have not voted.
No one has the nomination.
No one will have the nomination until the Wednesday of the freaking convention when the super delegates vote.
That's just a fact.
So all these asswipes who would keep tweeting out.
You guys know that Bernie Bros don't like math.
It's math.
Oh, math is corrupt.
It's not, you don't have the math, you morons.
Anyway, nice candidate you got there.
Way to go, you guys.
You guys couldn't pick better.
Oh, I love Hillary.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Hey, if you need a Macintosh computer fix, Sean James will fix it for you right over the internet.
It's like magic.
He does it for me.
Send him an email at machelp at seanjames.com.
Machelp at seanjames.com.
He spells Sean S-H-A-U-N.
Hello.
Hello.
Yeah, hello.
Is this Bernie Sanders?
Who the fuck is this?
It's Jimmy Door, Bernie.
This isn't Uber.
No, no, sir.
It's not Uber.
Because I still have two free rides with those chumps.
I have to be in Fresno on Friday.
You have to be in Fresno on Friday?
Yes, I get to be in Fresno Friday.
I also have to be in Montclair Monday, Tehakopy Tuesday, Wasco Wednesday, Thousand Oaks on Thursday, and back on Fresno on Friday.
Why back in Fresno again?
That's where I'll leave my sunplay.
Wow, you know, you've been barnstorming all over California lately.
How do you keep up the energy, Bernie?
Ensure.
I drink nothing but insurance.
It's full of nutritious calories, protein, and minerals for strength and energy, and all that kind of stuff.
But keep your distance at the end of the day.
Oh, really?
Why?
That's when the top 90% of my stomach contents come out of the bottom 1% of my body.
There's an incredible inequality of bile in my stomach and large intestines.
I vigorously oppose this.
So Glinton backed out of the agreement to debate you in California.
What's that about?
Actually, Jimmy, let's be honest.
I don't blame her.
It was going to take place in Turlock.
You ever been to Turlock?
No.
Real shitbooks.
Real toilet.
It's sold as the gateway for Modesto.
Ever been to Modesto?
No.
The town motto used to be water, wealth, contentment, health.
Now it's fracking, poverty, incontinence, and death.
So that's the real Barrel left.
So you and Clinton are statistically tied right now in California.
Do you think her email problems helped you any?
I'll have you know that I have never once used the internet in my home.
In fact, we only use the dictaphones and pneumatic tube sending devices.
The trick is to maintain the necessary suction over a distance of several hundred miles.
Really?
That's right.
I believe we should retrofit our entire internet infrastructure with the huge pneumatic tube system of communications.
Try hacking into one of those emails while it's traveling in a loose-ite capsule going 50 miles an hour.
It'll rip your cock right off.
That doesn't seem very safe, Senator.
This is extremely important, Jimmy.
So much so that I have decided to donate $27 to my own kids.
So much so that I have decided to donate $27 to my own campaign.
But may I take a moment to say a word about Guam?
Sure.
We need to rebuild Guam so that all Guamanians can receive an education and be proud of their Guamanianism.
Look, I stand with Guam on this.
Guam.
Guam, Guam, Guam, Guam, Guam.
Senator Sanders, why do you keep repeating Guam?
We know you stand with Guam.
Sorry, I got some peanut butter stuck to my uppers, goddamn it.
Guam, Guam, Guam, Guam, Guam.
I'm an old man, Jimmy.
So what do you think about California Governor Jerry Brown backing Hillary in the primary?
Here's what I think about that.
Brown hasn't been relevant since the one time he fingerbanged Linda Ronstadt.
If Californians want to take the advice of someone who's pro-fracking, then I hope they all fry in hell trying to find the 4051.
I have to go now.
It's time to gouge a pen in my Chris Matthews voodoo doll, the pumpkin-faced fuck.
Stand with Guam, you sons of bitches.
Hey, we don't have time to get to the captain and to Neil phone call.
The captain calls in.
I'm not kidding.
It's hilarious.
But we don't have time to get to it today.
But you can get it if you get a premium of the Jimmy Door show.
That's right.
How do you get a premium?
It's $5 a month.
You go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on join premium, and then you get access to all of our premium, right?
We drop an hour or two every week of extra content plus a phone call or three.
And so thanks, everybody who does that.
If you pay for the whole year at once, we'll give you a month free.
So pay for the whole year at once.
You get a month free for the premium.
It's a great way to help support the show.
And talking about supporting, Mike McRae is going to be doing his stand-up act at the Addison Improv.
So if you're in the Fort Worth, Dallas, Fort Worth area, he's going to be doing his stand-up act June 12th at the Addison Improv.
So go to improvaddison.com.
That's right.
If you want to get tickets to see Mike, June 12th at the Addison Improv, Fort Worth, Dallas area, you go to improvaddison.com.
Check it out.
Mike's hilarious in person.
You know it.
Okay, guess what?
We're 80% of our way to our goal.
81, actually, now.
So you heard me say all that stuff in the bottom of the hour.
Thanks to everybody who's helped support the show.
A great way to help support the show is the next time you buy something from Amazon.com, use our Amazon link.
That's also a big help.
Everyone, I'm not telling anybody to buy stuff from Amazon, but if you're going to anyway, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com, click on our Amazon link, and then when you buy something, they send us money.
So some of that Steve Bezos money goes to a good cause, like an independent, progressive news/slash comedy show.
And I'll see you Saturday, June 4th.
That's the 4th.
That's tomorrow.
If you're listening to this on Friday, June 4th, I'm going to be hosting a panel for the Pasadena Literary Festival at the Romans Bookstore in Pasadena.
That's Saturday, June 4th.
It's probably today if you're listening to this.
It's at 2.15, a panel about comedy writing in the age of Trump.
So come check that out If you're in Pasadena, hey, today's show was written by Mike McRae, Robert Yasimura, Mark Van Landua, Jim Earl, Steph Zamarano, and Frank Conniff.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
Thanks for everything our listeners do for us.
And until next week, this is Jimmy Dorr saying you be the best you can be and I'll keep being me.
Do not, do not, do not, do not, do not, do not.
I'm not kidding.
I'm not kidding.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not do not freak out.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Don't double the top of the top.
Don't freak out.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
Don't freak out.
Don't don't don't don't dump the dumps up.
Don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Don't don't do not.
Do not freak out.
Don't freak out.
Do not, do not, do not.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not kidding.
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