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May 7, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show
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May 19th and 20th.
That's right, May 19th and 20th, Friday, Saturday.
I'll be telling jokes in Burbank at the Flappers Comedy Club.
There's a link for discount tickets over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
See you May 19th and 20th.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is Jimmy.
Republican National Committee.
I got a page from this number.
Yeah.
Mr. Chairman, it's me, Jimmy Dore.
Oh, hey, Jimmy, you pitch me?
What?
No, someone paged you?
Yeah.
They gave me a pager and a calling card, and they were like, well, now you're the entire Republican headquarters.
Really?
They?
Who's they, Reines?
The Council of Elders that actually controls the Republican Party.
Most of them have fled the country by now.
Left me holding a fucking bag.
Where are you?
Oh, they got me working out of a Subaru behind a 7-Eleven in Virginia.
Who's at your offices?
It's the craziest thing, man.
One day I go out to lunch, and when I come back, there are all these Trump supporters wandering around in hospital gowns asking me how a telephone works.
It was like raccoons taking over or something.
Oh, my God, Rines.
They're still in there.
They set up an oil drum fire.
They've got a pighead on a stick outside.
It's fucking terrifying, Jimmy.
Every third night, they fight each other for dominance.
So is there a Republican Party anymore, Reince?
Dude, I'm not even sure there's a United States anymore.
Seriously, do we still have embassies in other countries?
Are the nuclear code secure?
Yeah, yes.
I mean, I think so.
Okay, good.
Then the next order of business, I got to look for another freaking job.
Oh, I guess that should be easy.
You're super well connected being the chairman of the RNC, right?
Oh, yeah.
That's something I want to advertise on LinkedIn.
I was in charge of a 150-year-old political machine the year it fucking imploded.
Just hear my pager beeping now with all the recruiters.
I see your point.
It weren't for this Trump business, I'd have written my own ticket.
I mean, Jimmy, do you have any idea how well former RNC chairs are rewarded?
Not really.
They give you money and power beyond your wildest dreams.
I mean, you didn't kill people, no questions asked.
Do shit.
Michael Steele has murdered three hookers since he left office, and no one gives a fuck.
What?
Michael Steele has killed three hookers?
At least, man.
That guy is an animal.
He kills hookers and lights their bodies on fire with bundles of money.
Meanwhile, my kids are going to go to state college and apply for Obamacare.
Mr. Chairman, I mean, that's the way most Americans live.
Hey, Jimmy.
Yeah?
Go fuck yourself.
Hey, Mr. Chairman.
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
I just don't need to hear that right now.
I mean, my life is falling apart here.
My career's in the toilet.
My wife hates me.
Like, I come to bed every night.
She's like, I bet you want to have sex tonight.
Well, I hate to tell you, but sex is for closers.
I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Chairman.
You can call me Rance at this point since I don't think you can be a chairman of a burning pile of dried shit.
Well, I saw in Time magazine that you said there would be no shenanigans at the convention.
Sure, I said that.
What the fuck else was I going to say?
It's going to be the shit show to end all shit shows.
So what do you see happening at the convention?
Do you actually think there will be any maneuvering to deny Trump the nomination?
Well, you've seen footage of Trump rallies.
What's going to happen is one of our three minority delegates, probably a black guy, is going to look at a Trump supporter sideways, and then there's going to be a fucking riot, man.
You know, I never thought of that, but I do see what you're saying.
Then in the middle of all that, Cruz will grab the podium, declare himself the lizard king, and take a shit on the stage.
Did not see that coming.
And off in the corner, Teesa just sitting in a diaper, eating a polar sausage and giggling.
Wow, you paint quite a picture.
Listen, Jimmy, I gotta go.
4 o'clock to 7-Eleven puts out like $10 worth of recycling, and if I don't get there first, I gotta fight a bum named Steve.
Well, all right, Ryance, try to keep your chin up, buddy.
Yeah.
Get away from here, Steve, or I swear to God I will stab your face.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for like-minded, low-in-law bluffies.
The kind of people that are safe.
It's Runs Talking to TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
Don't freak out.
Welcome to this week's show.
Who's with us?
Our resident Latina is off singing songs in a musical.
So our resident Latina is out westside storying it, as we say in the business.
Also with us, a resident Japanese man, hilarious comedian Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
Ohio.
Also here is hilarious comedian Hank Thompson.
Hi, Hank.
How are you?
Hey, I miss Ted.
I miss him so much.
Ted, oh, let's get right to it.
Ted Cruz dropped out of the race.
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Oh, yeah.
Ted Cruz dropped out of the presidential race.
He says to spend more time creeping out his family.
I just pictured Ted Cruz right now in front of a whiteboard with his sleeves rolled up and a marker planning out his daily hand gestures.
I picture his daughters putting deadbolts on the doors.
I mean, you got to hand it to Ted Cruz.
He did mimic sincerity for almost an entire year, which is amazing.
He almost was like a real human being.
Pretend.
I'm happy to say he can still do plenty of damage in the Senate.
You know, the best place to read about Ted Cruz's defeat is in a magazine while sitting on the toilet in a transgendered bathroom.
That's what I say.
That's true about a lot of things.
That's all bathrooms, actually.
You know, every cable network did endless segments about the broker GOP convention.
That's all they did.
Every news network, oh, it's going to be a broker GOP convention.
It's almost as if most of their programming is fucking useless.
Almost.
Or it's almost as if all of their programming is geared towards the drama and not the actual news.
Oh, it's all about flash and not substance.
You know, now that Donald Trump has secured the nomination, he's focused on picking his vice grand wizard.
That'll trump.
Donald Trump, by the way, this is how he spent Cinco de Mayo.
He tweeted out a picture of himself eating a taco bowl.
That's right.
So he got this, by the way, got this taco bowl from his own Trump grill.
So my question is, are Trump grill taco bowls at least partially responsible for the diarrhea of the mouth affliction that Donald suffers from?
That would make sense.
By the way, the fact that it's Trump Grill that serves Trump consistently, it's consistently the most spit-in food in America.
Consistently.
You know, by the way, Trump's favorite film, he just let people know his favorite film, Manos, The Really Tiny Hands of Fate.
I hope you get that joke.
Did you hear Trump?
So Hillary's hitting Trump pretty hard, and Trump wants to hit back with some attack ads.
But Trump says he's frustrated because Liony Rifenstahl isn't around to direct them.
Liony Rifenstahl.
You know, now that he's clinched the nomination, the GOP infighting is going to stop, and Trump is going to unite the various factions of the KKK under one tent.
Isn't that nice?
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
Hey, CNN and all the talking heads do a complete reversal on Hillary Clinton's ability to work with the GOP, huh?
Yeah, we're going to talk about it.
Plus, bankers are getting free cash from taxpayers, and they want to keep it that way.
We're going to talk about that.
How's that?
Yeah, we're going to talk about, should the taxpayers give banks $83 billion a year?
Should they still keep doing that?
We're going to talk about that.
Plus, the GOP revolts against a Trump candidacy.
A lot of people burning their GOP registration cards and a lot of GOP talking heads rejecting Trump.
We're going to take a look at that and what it means going forward for the GOP.
Plus, Hillary Clinton super PAC.
Are they breaking the law?
The answer just may not surprise anybody.
Or will it?
NATO Green, comedian NATO Green, has a run-in with a Trump supporter.
We take a look at that.
Plus, Elizabeth Warren.
Elizabeth Warren goes on a Twitter rant against Donald Trump.
We take a look at what that really means.
Ted Cruz encourages a crowd of people to beat children.
We're going to take a look at that.
Anderson Cooper, he's afraid of nicknames.
We're going to take a look at that.
Plus, there's a lot lot more.
We got phone calls from Reince Perry.
From Reince Priebus calls in.
Plus, Ted Cruz calls in.
And drunk Bill O'Reilly, plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
you Okay, so I've got two banking-related stories.
One a little newer than the other.
The old one is this.
So here is Bloomberg.
Now, we've said here that the taxpayers bailed out Wall Street.
They didn't bail out Main Street, which they didn't.
Meaning, where's the billions of dollars put into works programs around the country?
Where's the, don't, let it, they spent 15 trillion on the banks.
Where's the 15 trillion in works program?
Did you do that?
Did you do the equal?
No, they didn't.
So this is from February 20th, 2013.
Bloomberg asked the question, why should taxpayers give banks $83 billion a year?
Wait a minute, what?
And I'm not talking about quantitative easing.
That's another video where the Fed would just give money straight to the banks.
This is, this is from, by the way, Bloomberg editorial board said this.
They said, what if we told you that by our calculations, the largest U.S. banks aren't really profitable at all?
What if the billions of dollars they allegedly earn for their shareholders were almost entirely a gift from U.S. taxpayers?
This is Bloomberg.
This is Bloomberg.
This isn't Think Progress or Mother Jones or Salon.
This is Bloomberg editorial.
So they go on to say lots of things that'll blow your mind.
One of them is banks have a powerful incentive to get too big and too unwieldy.
So what happens is the banks that are too big to fail, the government says we'll bail you out.
That's the implicit agreement is if you guys fail, we'll bail you out.
So what that does is that's like a, that means the American taxpayer will bail them out.
So what that does is that's an implied subsidy, meaning now those big banks, which are the most risky financial institutions in the country, now they get special treatment, meaning they get to borrow money, borrow money at a lower rate than they would have because their creditors, their lenders know that they're backed up by the implicit bailout of the American government.
So it's not really that risky, even though it is risky.
It's not risky for their lender or the creditor to the banks because they know they'll get it back.
So Bloomberg did their investigation and they found out the top five banks account for $64 billion of the total subsidy.
So they figured out that giving banks this implicit subsidy lowers their operating costs that they get money cheaper.
And it's to the 83 billion a year.
That's what, in fact, they say they get a 0.8 percentage point.
Oh my God, really?
Which doesn't sound like much, but you know.
Yeah, that's huge.
That's huge, right?
In fact, anybody who has a mortgage will tell you 0.8 is unbelievable.
Yes, multiplied by the total liabilities of the 10 largest U.S. banks by assets, it amounts to a taxpayer subsidy of $83 billion a year.
To put that figure in perspective, Bloomberg says, it's tantamount to the government giving the banks three cents of every tax dollar collected.
Yeah.
So by the way, 83 billion.
I was actually just listening to something about subsidized housing and what a huge subsidized housing crisis we have in this country.
$83 billion is almost exactly The amount of money that would be required to give subsidized housing to every single person in this country who needs it.
So these are great points.
I want to talk, I want to do a whole new video on that.
Hang on one second.
It says the top five banks account for $64 billion of the total subsidy, an amount roughly equal to their typical annual profits.
So all these big brainiacs, all these great money guys who know how banking works and know how to keep the economy going, they don't know dill.
They don't know anything.
What they're getting is welfare from the government.
They get the wealth.
The government says, don't worry, we'll bail you out.
So they get cheaper money than everybody else.
And then that equals their profit.
What their profit is, is what they're getting subsidized from, from the government.
That's their profit.
So if they had to go on an even playing field, they wouldn't be making profit.
They wouldn't be making any money.
It would go back to the way it was, which was banking used to be a conservative institution.
It used to be that it wasn't insanely profitable.
It was consistently profitable.
So we're basically paying banks to put us in danger.
Absolutely.
So we're basically paying banks.
We're giving them, we're going to give you an extra $83 billion a year if you guys keep being risky and doing crazy stuff.
And they are.
So which used to be, the thing is, is that this will not change if Hillary is president.
This will not change if Donald Trump is president.
This will not change if anybody else is president except Bernie Sanders.
Go ahead.
The thing is that the bailout deals came with basically through the FDIC and things like that, came at the same time as Glass-Deagle.
It used to come with insurances.
We will back up your bank.
Right.
If you will promise not to do certain things like take depositors' money and invest it in risky hedge funds.
And once Glass-Steagall was removed, they should have removed those assurances with them because it was part of the same deal.
That's a great point.
And again, that goes back to Bill Clinton.
That goes back to Bill Clinton deregulating Wall Street at the behest of his big money donors.
Now, there's another part to this story.
So here's the headline.
Congress to eliminate billions in Wall Street subsidies to fund repair of nations highways.
So what they decided to do, that was from October of 2015.
So here's another way that the banks get free money.
So in 1913, when they started the Federal Reserve System to get banks to join on to the system, they offered them an incentive saying, we'll give you 6%.
We'll offer you a 6% profit return on your investment, 6% every year.
But you can't, and that was to get them into the Federal Reserve System, right?
Well, now everyone realizes that's ridiculous.
We're just giving them money.
So it turns out it was hundreds of millions of dollars a year.
So what Congress decided to do was cut that subsidy from 6% down to 3%.
And then they could actually put $17 billion into highway construction over the next 10 years from that Wall Street money.
Well, Wall Street is going nuts, right?
Because the big bankers, so here.
By the way, $17 billion is nothing.
It is nothing.
Over 10 years.
Over 10 years.
We gave $700 billion to the banks to bail them out.
But they're still fighting it.
You're right.
And look, but they're still fighting it.
It's not that much money, and they're still fighting it, right?
And by the way, this is money we just give to the banks.
And then they wanted to cut it to 1.7.
So to get money to build stuff in America, they wanted to – This is from Zach Carter.
He did an article in the Huffington Post.
So big banks get lots of free.
They get a lot of free money from the federal government, and their lobbyists think they have a constitutional right to it.
That's from Zach Carter's article in the Huffington Post.
He goes on, each year the government pays billions of dollars to banks to them for them being part of the Federal Reserve System.
These payments aren't structured to influence or encourage any particular business activity.
Banks just get straight cash no matter what they do.
This is true.
The Fed is here to keep the banks fully fed.
And now those banks are morbidly obese.
Okay?
So Zach goes on.
Zach says the subsidy is economically useless.
So this subsidy that we're giving these banks is economically useless because it doesn't push interest rates lower or boost pay for bank sellers or help more farmers qualify for loans.
The money just goes straight to the bank's bottom line, boosting bank profits.
So that's, again, just a subsidy, government money going right to banks for free that doesn't do anything to help the economy except enrich bankers.
Hey, what do you get a bank who has everything?
More of everything.
So last year, Congress passed a law that cut down on these payments, and now they're complaining about it.
So bankers are using the Fed, the Fed, to lobby Congress to overturn these subsidy cuts.
And the American Bankers Association CEO said that, quote, cutting subsidies to banks amounts to taking the members' banks' property.
That's what the CEO of the American Bankers Association said.
He said that, quote, cutting subsidies to banks amounts to tanking the member banks' property.
So the member banks, meaning the banks that are a member of the Fed system.
It's like taking their property, cutting their free money, cutting their welfare, which is what this is.
So why do they, and why do we pay these to the banks anyway?
So it's to get them to be participators in the Federal Reserve regulatory regime.
So in other words, the Fed gives you billions of dollars as a thank you for being part of the central bank.
That's really what this is.
Which is designed to keep the country stable.
Yes.
Essentially.
But it's now useless.
It doesn't do anything for our economy.
All it is is direct cash payment to banks to enrich their bottom line.
And yes, it's like a thank you note for being gambling addicts who tank the economy and suffocated equity out of working people.
So they originally proposed trimming the subsidy by $17 billion over five years.
The legislation ultimately only ended up costing the banks $2.7 billion thanks to a late compromise that allowed smaller banks to keep receiving full payment.
Since the subsidies are scaled to the size of each bank, the lion's share of the $2.7 billion will come from the small number of big firms.
So that's what's happening.
And the reason why they don't need this subsidy was because the practice of giving them this money to get them into the Fed system became obsolete when Congress granted the Fed blanket power to regulate commercial banks, whether they opted into the central banking system or not.
So you don't need to give them this bribe to get into the federal bank system.
You don't need to bribe them anymore because now the Fed has the power to regulate them anyway.
But they still give them cash payments.
Why?
I don't know.
Money and politics ring a bell.
Maybe the guys writing the laws are giving speeches to Wall Street for hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Maybe that's what's happening.
So, yeah, so Congress never got around.
This is how they put it.
Congress never got around to ending the subsidy after it changed the regulatory standards.
And now the bank lobby is insisting that this dividend payment is property that the government is forbidden from seizing without compensation.
That's what bankers are.
They're fighting for their welfare like nobody's business.
This is an issue.
This is a really good issue for Hillary Clinton to pretend to care about.
And, you know, four out of five economists agree that a small number of people having all the wealth is a great thing for that small number of people.
So here we go.
So there's two stories for you.
Banks getting welfare unlimited almost.
Billions and billions of dollars in welfare.
They're not running good businesses.
Wall Street's not running a good business.
They're not good business people.
You know what they are?
They're schemers.
It's when Bernie Sanders says it's a business model built on fraud.
He's not kidding.
It really is.
That's what this is.
This is what this is.
And by the way, $83 billion a year, that's enough money to send everybody in America tuition free to college, isn't it?
Oh, yes, it is.
That's how much money we have.
Thank you.
Hello, Bill.
This is O'Reilly.
Celebrate good times.
Come on, Brad, Bill.
What's going on, buddy?
There's a party going on, Bonehead, and it's not in your pants.
Bill, are you drunk again?
That's for you to know and me to find out.
So I guess you're happy about your boy Trump winning Indiana and Cruz dropping out, right?
Couldn't be happier than a guy paying off a former employee over sexual harassment and never really getting into trouble for it.
Now there's only three Republicans left in the race.
No, there's only two Republicans, Trump and Kasa.
He left out Hillary.
But Bill, don't you think Trump was way out of line accusing Cruz's father of having a role in the JFK assassination?
Look, I know assassinations are such a subject for some people.
And I'm very sensitive to that.
Vaughn Meter still haunts my dreams.
Vaughn Meter, I'm sorry, Bill.
I don't get that reference.
You don't know who Vaughn Meter was?
No.
When's the last time you walked into the nearest furniture store and bought a long-playing record made from slack?
Bill, I don't think they sell records at furniture stores anymore.
You're a liar and a traitor.
Turn off his mic.
Bill, you called me up.
I apologize for my outburst.
You know me, Jimmy.
I despise vulgarity.
I regularly invade against the coarsening of American culture.
He will make America's genitals great again.
No said case close.
You're not upset that he once contributed money to Hillary's 2008 campaign?
Well, I'm like the Donald.
I still give her money.
Why not?
Makes good business sense to keep all your bases covered.
So you just mail her a check, Bill?
Yeah, I just address it to Delaware.
But if you really want to contribute to Hillary, just keep paying your credit card bill every month.
He'll get to her eventually.
Got to eat your sins, Jimmy.
Eat your sins.
Bill, are you all right?
Jimmy, can I ask you slowly confidentially, I mean?
Sure, sure.
Go ahead.
I'm in love with Rachel Madow.
That's not really a question.
Why?
They've become so fair and balanced over there at MS3.
See, Williams, Matthews, and Madow.
Say it with me, Jimmy.
Williams, Matthews, and Maddow.
Say it again.
Williams, Matthews, and Maddow.
Williams, Matthews, and Madow.
Celebrate good times.
Come on.
Is that you, Vaughan?
Bring me my magic milk.
Right now, I am wearing a don't freak out t-shirt.
That's right.
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It says don't freak out.
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Just got it in the mail yesterday.
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I'm loving it, and I'm not freaking out.
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Don't freak out.
So we all know what the big burn on Bernie Sanders has been, the big bullshit meme.
We've did a video about it or a couple about how the mainstream press keeps saying that Bernie Sanders doesn't know how to work.
He doesn't get how it works.
When he gets to the con, if he becomes president, when he gets to Congress, there's still going to be Republicans there.
He's not going to be able to get any of that stuff done.
That's all fairy dust.
So we've talked about how that's bullshit that news people are calling the guy who's nicknamed the amendment king, telling him that he doesn't know how government works.
The guy who's actually in government getting it done.
He knows how it works.
That's why they call him the amendment king.
So we've always said that such a BS argument.
And also, by the way, most of the stuff he's talking about in terms of bank reform and things like that are hugely popular.
Yeah, everything he's talking about is hugely popular, by the way.
On both Republican and Democratic side.
But the BS news media always says that, oh, Bernie's not going to be able to get it done.
But they never say, and I always say, yeah, well, it's going to be the same people for Hillary if she gets in.
Hillary's not, they're not going to like, they hate Hillary more.
Everyone says that they like Bernie, all the Republicans.
They say, oh, he's honest.
I like him.
So they haven't demonized Bernie for 30 years.
This is what I've been saying.
They haven't demonized Bernie for 30 years, so they'll be able to work with him.
Whereas if they say they're going to work with Hillary, someone who they said is the devil for 30 years, they'll look like sellouts.
In fact, they hate the Clintons so much, the Republicans impeached her husband after he deregulated Wall Street for them.
That's how much they hate her.
That's how much they hate the Clintons.
They impeached him for a BJ after he deregulated Wall Street for him and screwed over welfare.
That was their thank you to Bill.
Hey, we're going to impeach you now.
Thanks for coming over to our side.
So I've been saying this forever, that why do they only say it about Bernie Sanders that he won't be able to get his thing done because there's Republicans in Congress?
Well, wouldn't the same thing apply for Hillary?
That doesn't make sense unless what she wants to do is Republican things.
So I'm watching CNN with Don Lemon.
He has on Carl Bernstein.
He has on Bob Beckle.
And he has on a guy from The Hill.
His name is Kusak, and he's the editor of theHill.com.
And so Don Lemon asked the question: what does a Trump presidency look like on day one?
What does it look like on day 100?
And listen to how the guy from the Hill responds.
Well, you definitely see a new justice because I don't think Garland is going to be confirmed either before the election or in the lame duck session.
But overall, that's what Donald Trump's, I think, strength is going to be, at least he's going to try to make that a strength is I can make deals.
I can work with the other side.
And his supporters are okay with that.
So that's a great point.
So now if Donald Trump works with Democrats, it's all about, look, I'm getting deals done, deals that are good for us, good for America, good for the Republic.
We're getting deals, deals.
And so people are like, oh, that must be a good deal if he did it.
So that's in his favor.
Here we go on.
Now, Hillary Clinton worked with Republicans when she was in the Senate, but she is seen widely outside the Beltway as a polarizing figure.
I think that's her challenge because people want problem solvers.
That's where Trump is going to make the case.
I can be the problem solver.
Because honestly, if Hillary Clinton becomes the next president, and I would say she's the favorite at this point, we got a long way to go.
That Republicans in Congress, they're at least going to have the House, in all likelihood, the Senate's up for grabs.
I think Republicans are not going to be keen to work with her on day one or day 100.
That's her last word.
So I don't know if you caught what just happened there at the end.
But what just happened there at the end, and I'm going to show it to you again.
What just happened there at the end was that the editor of The Hill said that, hey, when Hillary becomes, if she becomes president, the Republicans aren't going to be keen to work on her in day one or day 100.
And then everybody else in the panel goes, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For a whole year, you guys have been going on television saying that Bernie can't get anything.
He doesn't understand Republican.
Hillary works.
Hillary, she knows how things work.
She's got the experience.
She'll get things done.
She knows how Bernie doesn't get the Republican.
There's going to be, Chris Matthews said on this show, we played the video last week of him saying, you know, if Bernie gets to the White House, he's going to get to, and he's going to go, oh, my God, Mitch McConnell's still there.
Oh, my God.
As if Bernie's a dummy who's been driving a beer truck for the last 30 years instead of in government that he doesn't understand.
And now exactly what I've been saying.
Well, it'll be the same Republicans there for Hillary, and they hate her worse.
He just said it, and they all go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What about all that?
What about all that shit about Bernie?
It's all out the window now because now they're just going, oh, Hillary's the nominee.
Okay, now we can stop doing that BS thing about Bernie.
Can't work.
Okay.
Now the truth is that Republicans hate her too.
Hate her too.
They're not going to work with her.
They're not going to want to work with her.
And the whole panel, yep.
I think Republicans are not going to be keen to work with her on day one or day 100.
That's the last word.
All right.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you, gentlemen, for just saying the exact opposite of what we've been saying for a year, and I'm not even going to really mention it.
I'm going to pretend like what just happened didn't really just happen because I'm kind of not listening because I have my producer in my ear to tell me I got to go to commercial.
I think that's just what happened to Don Lemon right there.
Because what just happened was everything just got flipped on its head that they've been saying for a year.
Am I wrong about this?
That's what just, and they all like matter of factly like, oh, okay, okay.
Nobody even pushed back.
Like, no, no, no, no.
Let's keep in mind they wouldn't work with Bernie, but they're certainly going to work with Hillary.
No, nobody said, no, he went, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
They all went, of course.
Which is what we've been saying on this freaking show since this campaign started.
That the same Republicans opposing Bernie are going to be the same Republicans opposing Hillary.
And they hated Hillary so much.
they impeached her husband after derail.
So that's that, it just Happened.
So that happened.
Here we are.
Nobody notices, except we noticed here at the Jimmy Door show.
We noticed.
So Ted Cruz was giving a speech doing a little political rally in Laporte, Indiana.
This was right before the Indiana primary.
He got heckled by a kid, a pre-teen kid, a pre-teen, meaning 11 or 12.
That's preteen.
I'm not a math scientist.
So here, here's he's giving a speech.
Kid heckles him.
Let's listen to it.
Let's go ahead and let's listen to a little bit of it.
And when we do that, all right.
Apparently, there's a young man who's having some problems.
Thank you, son.
Children should actually speak with you.
So he told him you suck.
He told him you suck.
And then Ted Cruz does this.
Respect.
Imagine what a different world it would be if someone had told Donald Trump that years ago.
Nice.
Not a bad thing.
Not a bad thing.
Should have respect.
Imagine if someone had told Donald Trump that.
Okay.
That's roughly.
That's some good crap work.
That's okay.
That's okay.
You bring it back to the theme.
You might try to use it like judo.
Yeah, it's like judo.
You take the energy and score a point.
Here's where he goes off the rails.
Ready?
In my household, when a child behaves that way, they get a spanking.
And the crowd goes crazy.
Which means he spanks his daughters every day because they're constantly telling him how much he sucks.
You suck, Dad.
So let's just keep this in mind.
He's so much different than Donald Trump rallies because at Donald Trump rallies, when someone heckles Donald Trump, he tells them to beat the crap out of them right there.
Ted Cruz, a little better.
He tells them, beat the crap out of them at home.
See how much different the right wing is from each other?
And it's actually Ted Cruz, a little worse, because what he's doing is telling you to beat the crap out of a kid.
He's saying kids need to be beaten more.
And that's what, see, that kid, you know what's wrong with that kid?
He hasn't been beaten enough.
That's that theory of, you ever hear someone say that?
Oh, I'm glad my parents beat me, kept me out of prison.
I've heard people say that.
Oh, yeah, you ever been to prison?
Sure, it's full of people who just weren't hit enough.
Just weren't hit enough.
Hey, why are you on the inside, man?
Oh, it's the way I was raised.
You know, my parents loved me and supported me and respected my space.
I don't know.
It just made me want to freak out and knock off a 7-Eleven and murder some motherfuckers.
I wish my parents would have beat me more like all my friends on the outside.
That's this theory.
So by the way, right-wing maniac Christians who beat their kids in order to get them to act a certain way, hitting a kid, inflicting pain in a child to get them to act a certain way.
Well, guess what?
The evidence is in doesn't work.
In fact, the only thing hitting a kid is predictive of, it's not predictive of good behavior.
It's predictor of how much more violent that kid will actually be in his life.
So it turns out if you use violence against a kid, it doesn't just go away.
It stays in them and then it eventually comes out.
So hitting kids is nothing more than a sick, sadistic thing adults do to get their anger out by beating someone who can't hit them back.
People always love to say, well, well, what if your kid runs out in traffic?
Ah, then I get to sock him.
I don't know.
What if your girlfriend runs out in traffic?
You're going to punch her?
No, you wouldn't, would you?
What if your wife went out in traffic?
Would you punch her?
No, you wouldn't.
But if it's a kid, bam, I get to punch them and call myself a good Christian because that's how fucked up I am.
And that's how fucked up we've done.
That's what we've done to Jesus's message.
That's how much we've messed it up.
We now say, if you're a good Christian, you should beat a kid, inflict pain on him.
And the crowd cheered.
But somehow Donald Trump is the guy who's wrong because he says beat up grown-ups, which is actually not as bad.
So this is this, again, this is that violent.
That's where it comes from.
Trump doesn't come from nowhere.
He comes from people who are cool at beating kids.
They cheer it.
Oh, that kid's, he heckled you?
Beat him.
Beat him.
Yay!
Well, these are people.
Beat him.
And they would say, I mean spanking.
Well, that was Jesus's message.
If you're going to hit a spanking, meaning it doesn't hurt, well, then why are you doing it?
Why would you spank a kid if it doesn't hurt?
Because it's not going to change his behavior.
The reason why you use physical punishment is because it hurts.
So you're going to hit a kid enough to hurt him to make him.
Here's how, guess what?
The cops took that kid out.
The cops, cops, cops went and grabbed that kid, a pre-teen.
And here's how, watch how they walk him out.
Watch how they walk him out.
So they're walking him out.
They're going to walk him out.
And watch what this, the cop sticks his finger in the kid's face.
You see that?
At a little kid.
The kid, again, pre-teen.
Watch this tough guy cop.
Cops.
Watch this cop getting right in his face.
You know, that cop wanted to punch him, but he knew he couldn't.
You didn't have rights.
Boy, if there weren't a bunch of people around here right now with cameras, is that cops?
And instead of the cop going up to a pre-teen, 11-year-old, he could be 10.
I don't know how old this kid is.
A kid, kid, not even a teenager yet.
He's in grammar school.
Instead of going up to him and putting your arm around him, like, all right, come on, buddy.
That was funny.
Let's get out.
But I got to take you out and your parents will be out of it.
Look, watch this cop get in the kid's face.
So I'm going to read you a quote.
This is from a Peace Prize acceptance speech given by Astrid Lindgren.
She's the author of Pippi Longstocking.
This is from 1978.
She was a peace prize.
She's got the Peace Prize.
She said, when I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children.
Although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time.
But one day, when her son was a four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking, the first spanking in his life.
And she told him he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with.
The boy was gone for a long time.
And when he came back in, he was crying.
He said to her, Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock you can throw at me.
All of a sudden, a mother understood how the situation felt from the child's point of view.
That if my mother wants to hurt me, it makes no difference what she does it with.
She might as well just do it with a stone.
The mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried.
Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever, never violence.
Because violence begins in the nursery.
One can raise children into violence.
And if you think you should still hit your kid to get him to do what you want, I'd like to throw a rock at your head.
*music*
So Hillary Clinton did a sit-down interview with Anderson Cooper, and he wore a sport coat, not a t-shirt, Anderson Cooper.
This is not a natural disaster.
So let's listen to here.
This question from Anderson Cooper.
Maybe I'm making more out of it, but I just think it's silly.
Let's listen to it.
This is why she should be afraid of Donald Trump.
Get the Democratic nomination.
Are you ready for Donald Trump?
I mean, he's already got an unflattering nickname for you.
He's unlike any other candidate, probably, certainly you've ever run against, anybody's seen in a long time.
Because he's already got a nickname for you.
Oh, my God.
She's not afraid of FEC violations or congressional investigations.
I bet nicknames really scare the crap out of her.
Nickname.
He's already got a nickname for you.
Boy, I've been definitely afraid of that since the campaign started.
That's why I've been keeping a low profile.
I don't want any nickname.
I'm Anderson Cooper.
You could call me Pooper.
Scooper Pooper.
My nickname used to be scared of nicknames Cooper.
He could have just asked her, like, what do you tactically do against somebody who doesn't play by normal political rules?
What's the plan?
That's a completely reasonable question.
But to say, like, this guy is clearly a monster we've never seen before.
He has nicknames for people.
Nicknames.
Are you afraid of him?
The reason that's in any way credible as a threat is that he knows the media will repeat the nickname.
That they'll go so-called Lion Ted or so-called Crooked Hillary.
He's got a nickname.
So it fits into the echo chamber quite well.
David Brock just started a new super PAC called Correct the Nickname.
That was fast.
That was fast, right?
Yeah, he's good at that.
So the only thing that would make that any funnier you know what would make Anderson Cooper a really great reporter?
Is if he asked that same stupid question in a different way again.
Let's see.
Here we go.
Let's see what he does.
Cannon and loose cannons tend to misfire.
If he is a loose cannon, though, he's certainly willing to say things during a race against opponents.
I mean, we've seen this already that a lot of candidates were not prepared for on the GOP side.
Are you ready for that?
Oh my God.
He's saying things.
He's mean.
He's really mean.
He'll make fun of you.
He'll call you.
He's saying, but come on.
He's really saying things that flustered Rand Paul.
He made fun of his hair.
He called Jeb Lowe energy.
He said little Marco Rubio.
He says Lying Ted.
These are very powerful political attacks.
Are you ready?
Hillary Clinton, they impeached her husband.
She's ready for Donald Trump calling her a bad name.
Well, it's the complicity of the media, though, that he's getting at.
Like, he's like, he's going to be making stuff up.
He's going to be saying all kinds of lies.
We're going to be repeating it.
Yeah, we're going to be repeating it.
We're going to magnify his entire message of bullshit.
Are you ready to deal with a system that's not at all in any way honoring the truth?
Are you ready?
Can you handle it?
We're going to indirectly approve everything he says.
By not fact-checking it.
By not clarifying.
And by the way, this interview is like watching two people say nothing to each other.
Nothing.
Nothing.
He repeats a dumb question that's just designed to get ratings.
And she says something sounds mildly quippy and presidential, but doesn't really say anything.
And then they just go back and forth and back and forth.
You might as well just watch a test pattern, man.
I'm with you on this.
I'm with you on this.
I swear to God, I hope he doesn't give me a nickname.
Terrifying.
I'm terrified.
Donald Trump, please don't give me a nickname.
Oh my God, what would I ever do?
Broken door.
Oh, back door.
Don't slam them.
Haha.
*music*
As we all know, the presidential race is the single most important thing in the world.
After all, it's not like the U.S. government is a glacially slow-moving machine that is changed only slightly by the executive in charge.
No, the federal government is an agile little minx, 100% controlled by one person's thoughts and feelings.
And that is why we have, to this day, the federally funded Ronald Reagan Gay Shaming Institute and Memory Loss Clinic.
God bless that man.
But even more important than presidential candidates is how celebrities feel about the presidential candidates, because celebrities have powers we don't fully understand.
For instance, noted prostitute enthusiast Charlie Sheen has endorsed Donald Trump.
And how could that guy possibly be wrong?
I mean, he has tiger blood.
Also endorsing Donald Trump, one-time actress, now something else, Kirstie Alley.
Miss Allie is famously a Scientologist, or as I like to call them, Team Jenna Elfman.
And as a Scientologist, she has insights that only someone who has given millions of dollars for electric soup can therapy can possibly have.
For you younger members of Team Yasamura, Kirstie Alley was once the star of Veronica's Closet, a show which baffled viewers by existing.
Fun fact, if you watch all the episodes of Veronica's Closet in sequence, you'll discover hidden clues that will lead you to Mike Ovitz's secret treasure.
Miss Allie made the point of saying that in her endorsement that she was a woman.
The point being that even a woman can vote for a huge misogynist dick bag.
And it's true.
They can.
Among Trump's most important endorsements, Stephen Baldwin, the third best Baldwin, or as I like to call him, the Baldwin for the rest of us.
Steven can currently be seen in a non-musical version of Jesus Christ Superstar at the Roy Cohn Dinner Theater in Paramus, New Jersey.
FYI, try the veal.
Also endorsing Trump, Kid Rock, the rock star who isn't very good at music and yet still got to share hepatitis C with Pam Anderson for a while.
Completing this Council of Elders, elders is the heaviest hitter of all.
Of course, Scott Bayo.
Most of Hollywood knows Scott as that guy who used to hang around the Playboy mansion asking people if they were going to finish the food they were eating.
But Mr. Bayo used to be an actor on happy days.
Then Joni loves Chachi.
And finally, the least of the happy days spin-offs, diagnosis, murder.
Diagnosis, murder, Being part of CBS's powerhouse lineup that also included the Cosby mysteries and a test pattern.
By the way, the Cosby mystery seems to have been solved.
And in a twist ending, Cosby did it.
You'd think with this Algonquin roundtable of intellect, Donald Trump should simply be given the presidency right now.
But as always, we here at Team Yasamura wait with bated breath to find out what Victoria Jackson thinks.
Stay strong, America, and await further instructions.
Thank you.
Thank you.
you you you Hi, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy, it's me, Ted Cruz.
Oh, hey there, Senator.
How you doing?
How you holding up?
Oh, Jimmy, I'm doing better than I ever have.
Really?
You just got beat by Donald Trump.
You know, I'm not a politician, but I would imagine that is one of the more cartoonishly terrible things that could happen to you.
Well, you know, I've always been an optimist, and I try to look on the bright side of things.
This election is no different.
Just because a campaign ultimately isn't successful doesn't mean that it was pointless or it didn't accomplish something.
You know, I got to agree with you, actually.
For example, on my side, even if Bernie doesn't win the nomination, he has created a movement that demands attention and will shift Hillary to the left on some issues.
Precisely.
And I feel that I've created a movement as well.
Well, what are you going to do with this groundsfall of support you've created?
Ban the sale of dildos and vibrators.
What?
Did I stutter?
No, I just far find that a little hard to believe.
Why?
Because it's the right thing to do, Jimmy.
Right thing for whom, Ted?
Not women, certainly.
The right thing for America.
And it's not just a woman thing.
I'm certainly also equally opposed to the sale of plastic vaginas.
That is a promise.
Okay.
As I stated years ago when I was solicitor general for the great state of Texas, there is no constitutional right for the stimulation of one's own genitals.
Oh, that's right.
You argued this case before the Texas Supreme Court.
You were defending a law that banned the sale of sex toys.
And a woman was facing two years in state prison after being busted by a Weisting when she was selling vibrators at a Tupperware-style party.
And if I had had my way, he'd have been executed.
Why are you revisiting this, Ted?
Jimmy, it was my one failure.
Ever since high school, I've won.
Got into the best schools, got the best grades, best jobs, everything I aimed for.
I achieved it.
However, this one case, it still haunts me.
I still can't believe I lost.
And I feel like the Lord is telling me, Tedward, you can't be president until you go back and fix this.
Win this issue somehow.
You can't have an incomplete path to the White House.
Wow.
So I will use my place in the Senate to lead the charge for a federal sex toy ban.
This is insane, Ted.
You know that lots of people use those things, right?
This isn't going to, this is going to be pretty unpopular.
Just because something is popular doesn't mean it's right, Jimmy.
The government has a vested interest in policing the sexual morals of the population.
Oh my God.
Ted, this is so archaic.
Why do people keep clinging to this stuff?
Because it matters to the values voters, Jimmy.
I connected with all those people in Iowa because I'm a conservative Christian, or at least claimed to be.
Wait, are you not?
I'll never tell.
Anyway, my base is the evangelical vote.
And every voting bloc has to have an enemy.
For you, it's the bankers, the Wall Street interest.
Right, because they screwed up the economy for the average working-class citizen.
And if anything bad happened to them, it wouldn't affect you at all.
You'll never be rich, so just hang all the rich people, right?
Um, well, it's the same for the evangelicals.
Whereas you think fiscal malfeasance threatens America's well-being, they think it's moral turpitude, turning away from the Lord, libertine behaviors, and such.
They literally think that this is God's chosen country, and rejection of his word will cause misfortune for this great nation.
If the economy tanks, it's because people haven't been praying enough.
That's terrifying for you, maybe.
When you realize that their enemy, like your Wall Street bankers, are sinners and sinful things.
You see that they are the most politically manipulable group of people on the planet.
Good Lord, Ted.
That's why we demonize gays and transgender.
Thank God for the trans thing just in time.
We basically lost gay marriage, but then this bathroom thing swooped in so we could still have a scapegoat.
Praise Jesus.
Of course, there's a lot more to that Ted Cruz call.
Hey, it gets weird from there on out.
If you can believe it, I want you to hear the rest of that phone call and all the other stuff we have to say twice a week now.
But you have to get the premium.
You have to become a member over there.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
It's only $5 a month.
You join premium.
We'll send you the passcode and then we'll give you that phone call plus all the other stuff, right?
So we've been doing a couple extra hours a week.
And if people seem to be enjoying that, and thanks to everybody who is a premium member and helps support the show that way.
So go get your premium.
Go over there.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, click on the join premium.
It's only $5 a month, which is something like a nickel a week.
I'm not a math surgeon, but it's really inexpensive.
And you're helping support the show also.
You know, when you go over there, you'll see the Indiegogo.
So go get one of your thank you gifts.
There's some great stuff there.
And we've got the book on audio.
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We've got lots of great thank you gifts over there.
Big thanks to everybody who supports the show one way or another, if it's through our Indiegogo or being a premium member or using our Amazon.com link when you buy something at Amazon.
Remember, we don't encourage anybody to shop at Amazon.
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Go to a good cause, like a progressive show like the Jimmy Door Show.
Hey, guess what?
Today's show was written by Mark Van Landuit, Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Jim Earl, Robert Yasamura, and Steph Samurano.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McCrae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
All right, that's it for this week.
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